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ACCIO, GUN 2: MUGGLE BOOGALOO!
Cast of Characters
- HARRY POTTER, A wizarding teenager with unearned confidence and a bottomless duffel bag. (22)
- RON WEASLEY, A friend that’s loyal, confused, and increasingly desensitized to Harry’s antics. (5)
- HERMIONE GRANGER, The last thread of reason in this unholy trio. (7)
- GINNY WEASLEY, Ron’s very unconscious and unspeaking sister. (0)
- TOM RIDDLE, Dramatic and smug teen ghost-villain with too much eyeliner energy. Is actually just a cursed diary. (8)
- CEDRIC DIGGORY, Noble, confused, and alarmed by practicality. (5)
- FLEUR DELACOUR, Magical, beautiful, unimpressed. The object of young wizarding brains globally. Has only one line.
- VIKTOR KRUM, Half shark, full grunt. Will compete with everything he has. Has only one line.
- VOLDEMORT, Smoky evil boomer. Dark lord of darkness. (2)
- CENTAUR, A mythical creature familiar with the wizarding world. A witness to war crimes against magical logic. Has only one line.
- HEDGE, An enchanted plant. Go ahead, play as the plant. (1)
- MADAM HOOTCH, No-nonsense broom teacher. Very tired. (2)
- DUMBLEDORE, The wise headmaster of Hogwarts. Wizard Gandalf-but-make-it-chaotic-neutral. (3)
The play takes place at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Each scene will be short and in its own setting somewhere in the school.
SCENE 1
At RISE: (The Chamber of Secrets. A hidden cavern that’s eerie and echoing, with water pooling across stone floors. A green glow seeps through snake statues. GINNY lies unconscious downstage center. TOM RIDDLE stands confidently over her, radiating smug teenage evil. From upstage, HARRY enters, cautious but not at all concerned.)
Hissing grows louder.
TOM
(pacing slowly)
You’re too late. She’s nearly gone, Harry. Just a little more of her life… and I’ll be real again.
TOM (cont’d)
(He gestures dramatically.)
The basilisk obeys me. One look of its gaze, and you’ll die where you stand. There is no escape. No spell to help you. No defense against me.
HARRY
(distracted, already digging in his duffel bag)
Right, right—evil diary, soul leeching, big snake, death stare. Got it.
TOM
(staring)
Um. You should probably be. Scared. Or nervous. Or something.
HARRY
No, I’m already Harry.
(He pulls out a full-sized mirror. It’s gaudy, with sparkly flower stickers on the corners.)
TOM
(stares)
What are you—what is that even going to—?
HARRY
It’s a mirror.
TOM
Wha—Why?
HARRY
You’ve never heard of Medusa?
TOM
No. Is that a type of curse?
HARRY
(chuckles)
Only if you consider three years of ‘Percy Jackson’ lore a curse.
(Suddenly, the basilisk enters from stage left—a hiss, a massive sound cue. Harry flips the mirror toward it. It locks eyes with its reflection. There is an immediate, hideous screech. The basilisk thrashes and collapses offstage with a sickening thud.)
TOM
(staring, horrified)
That... shouldn’t be possible.
HARRY
Neither should a secret death snake in a grade school. But hey, here we are. (He kneels beside Ginny.)
TOM
You haven’t even cast a spell!
HARRY
On the contrary, Tom. I cast the best spell of all: common sense.
Blackout.
SCENE 2
At RISE: (The Black Lake shoreline, early morning. The sky is misty. Magical creatures stir in the water. Tournament banners wave. Judges watch from an elevated platform. Spectators murmur in anticipation. The other champions stand confidently at the water’s edge.)
CEDRIC
(swallowing gillyweed, sprouting gills) I’m ready.
FLEUR
(enchanting herself, water rising around her feet) With this, the water is no challenge for me!
KRUM
(growls, morphs into half-shark abomination) …Grahh.
(Everyone turns. HARRY walks onstage dragging a massive duffel bag. Loud clanking and rattling inside. Judges frown.)
HERMIONE
(offstage shout) You’re going to drown!!
RON
I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to transfigure your lungs or something Harry…
HARRY
(unzipping bag slowly, very calm) Nah. Got this off eBay.
(He starts slowly pulling out scuba fins. He sits down. Awkwardly pulls them on over his feet. One falls off.)
RON
Is that... is that scuba gear?
HARRY
Scuba: Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. (jazz hands) Science.
HERMIONE
(leaning in from STAGE RIGHT)
You can’t use Muggle equipment! This is a magical tournament!
HARRY
(flippers on, now pulling out air tank)
Shoo! You’re supposed to be underwater!
HARRY (cont’d)
(He starts pulling out piece by piece: fins, mask, air tank, wetsuit. It takes way too long. The audience watches him change awkwardly while competitors stare in stunned silence.) Rules said to survive underwater for an hour. Didn’t say I had to suffer.
KRUM
(grunting, confused, as Hermione drags him to where she had been standing, now whispering in his “ear.”)
Wizarding rules say—!
HARRY
(hand (mouth gesture) pinched toward him)
Ahp ahp ahp! They didn’t say I couldn’t.
(Long beat. Someone blows a whistle. The other champions dive in gracefully. Harry waddles into the lake slowly in flippers.)
Splash.
Blackout.
SCENE 3
At RISE: (A moonlit forest clearing. Low fog creeps across the floor. Trees rustle. The air is heavy and cold. HARRY stands alone. Swirling black smoke coalesces into VOLDEMORT. A dramatic, unnecessary musical sting.)
VOLDEMORT
Harry Potter... at last. No phoenix. No Dumbledore. Just you... and death.
HARRY
(spins around, pulls a revolver from his robes)
It’s high noon, Voldy-moldy.
VOLDEMORT
(pauses mid-dramatic reveal)
Wait, is that a—
BANG.
(VOLDEMORT gets hit, shudders, turns into smoky spirit, and flees into the woods.) (Long silence. A CENTAUR peeks out from the trees.)
CENTAUR
(whispers)
What in the absolute fu—
HARRY
(to himself)
Told you it would work, Hermione.
Blackout.
SCENE 4
At RISE: (Inside the Triwizard maze. Tall hedges surround the stage. The atmosphere is tense and claustrophobic. The hedge walls creak ominously. Distant howls and spells echo.)
(CEDRIC and HARRY stand before a pulsating hedge wall. Cedric casts spell after spell. Nothing penetrates it.)
CEDRIC
This stuff’s immune to everything—spells, fire, even acid. There’s no getting through.
HARRY
(sets duffel bag down) Let’s find out.
(He pulls out a crowbar. Whacks the hedge. It rebounds. A vine slaps his hand.)
CEDRIC
It’s enchanted, I just said—
HARRY
(Harry pulls out a can of Roundup Weed Killer. Sprays hedge.)
HEDGE
(agitated rustle) Ssssssss!
CEDRIC
…Where do you even find this stuff?
HARRY
Accio’s a hell of a spell.
(pulls out a battery-powered hedge trimmer) Also, I’ve got Amazon Prime.
(Trimmer buzzes. Hedge actually starts to part.)
CEDRIC
That’s... not supposed to work.
HARRY
Yet here we are.
Blackout.
SCENE 5
At RISE: (Open field outside Hogwarts. Broomsticks line the grass. Hoops hover in the air. MADAM HOOTCH stands with a clipboard, barking instructions. Students line up for their flight test.)
MADAM HOOTCH
You’ll complete the course in under two minutes. No shortcuts. No stunts. No spells!
(Students begin. RON flies wobbly. HERMIONE goes clean but slow. HARRY kicks his broom.
Reveals a bright blue canister duct-taped underneath.)
RON
Harry, that looks dangerous.
HERMIONE
That looks illegal.
HARRY
(puts on goggles)
Yeah. That’s what Norway said about skateboarding in 1989.
(He kicks the canister below his broom. MASSIVE FLAME JET. Shoots off at light speed, trailing sparks.)
MADAM HOOTCH
(shouting over the blast)
IS—IS THAT FIRE!? WHY IS YOUR BROOM ON FIRE?!
HERMIONE
(jerking head in confusion)
That—that’s not even how Nitrous Oxide works! You’re supposed to inject it into the intake manifold to—
HARRY
(zips past in slow motion, grabs a hoop midair, does a flip. Lands with smoke trailing.)
Broom go vroom.
Blackout.
SCENE 6
At RISE: (A warm, wood-paneled office with shelves of magical junk and books. Fire crackles. DUMBLEDORE sits with tea. RON snacks quietly. HERMIONE paces. HARRY lounges like a man who’s solved everything with minimal effort.)
HERMIONE
He used a mirror, scuba gear, a gun, herbicide, and… and… Muggle chemicals! How is he still a student?
DUMBLEDORE
(sipping serenely)
Innovation, Miss Granger, is often the highest form of magic.
RON
I still can’t believe the hedge trimmer worked.
HARRY
Honestly? At this point, I just Google “DIY tutorials.”
(pulls out modern smartphone)
Oh, hey, Hermione! I found this great stuff called Xanax, I think you should check it out!
HERMIONE
(hands massaging temples)
You can’t keep doing this! You can’t… solve wizarding issues with duct tape, cheat codes, and—and—hardware store coupons!
HARRY
Sure I can. Magic’s great, but Muggles are efficient, Hermione. You ever try Googling “how to survive a basilisk”?
RON
I have, actually. Real helpful. Especially after those basilisk attacks.
DUMBLEDORE
(sagely)
Indeed, Mr. Weasley… why, once, I restrained Grindelwald using nothing but a kazoo and an old bicycle chain.
HERMIONE
(mouth agape)
That—That can’t possibly be true!
DUMBLEDORE
Can’t it?
Blackout.
FIN