Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Dean is devastated.

He wants to scream, to shout, to punch something. He wants a shoulder to cry on.

Except the only person he trusts enough to wallow about his problems is also the last person he can confide in right now. Yeah. He’s that unlucky.

Dean uses all his energy to keep his composture at work. Even in the midst of his turmoil he knows his students don’t deserve him lashing out at them. They’re good kids... Well, most of them are. And most of them would argue against being called kids, but Sam does too, so who cares?

Dean takes upon himself too much at work—and in front of Cas—so he doesn’t quite manage to hide it to the rest of his family. They don’t pay for it. He isn’t that pathetic. But he doesn’t smile as much as he should and isn’t sympathetic enough to their problems.

Sam picks up his mood and is annoyed about it; Benny notices something too, but he doesn’t bother him about it; Charlie is he doesn’t know where. Dean doesn’t worry over her because she texts him regularly and seems to enjoy her life.

Anyway, he was no one to go to.

It’s only one evening, as he walks home after visiting Sam and Jess that an opportunity falls from the sky—or crawls up from hell, whether you want to go classical or be factually correct. Dean sees her in the corner of his eyes and stills. He grabs her arm and swirls her around. She quirks an eyebrow when she recognizes him.

“You want to fight or something?”

“You can’t imagine how great it’s too see you.”

Meg snorts. “Since when we’re besties?”

Dean eyerolls. He lets her go and takes a step back. “You know why I didn’t like you, and you loved it.”

Meg smiles. “True. But what did you expect? I’m a bad girl.”

“I’d say terrible.”

She shrugs. “Why you’re happy to see me?”

Dean is about to answer when a doubt seizes him. He is Cas’ best friend, but maybe Cas noticed how uneasy he feels about the whole thing. Maybe he decided to take the big next step and chose to tell someone else than Dean.

“Why are you back?”

“I happened to be back to Kansas and thought it’d be nice to see Clarence. For old times’ sake.”

Dean searches in her face. She looks surprised by the intensity of his gaze, but he doesn’t notice anything else. He lets out a sigh. Running into her is only a weird coincidence.

Meg frowns. “Something happened to Clarence?” Then she relaxes. “Obviously not. You wouldn’t look that fine otherwise.”

Dean tenses. Meg has always read him too easily, more so than his family. It’s kinda creepy. They’ve never been close. Their path only crossed in high school because of Cas. They stopped seeing each other as soon as they could.

“It’s about Cas.”

“What my unicorn did to you?” She pouts, making her lips quiver. “Let me guess: he broke your little heart again.”

“You remember Daphne Allen?”

“Who?”

“From high school.”

“You think I remember people from high school?”

“How can you not remember them?”

Meg shrugs. “They were boring then. Why I’d waste my time remembering them now?”

“Right. Daphne was one of the... church mice.”

“Oh!” Meg points a finger at him. “That face! She’s the one who used to run after Clarence, right? Without running after him, because it’s improper. You wear your feelings on your face. That’s why making you jealous was so fun.”

“Thank you, Meg,” Dean says with as much sarcasm as he can muster.

“You know me: always ready to help.” She clicks her tongue. “Anyway. Not that us here isn’t filling me with soft and bubbly emotions, but what you’re getting at?”

“I thought I wear my feelings on my face.”

“Very funny.”

Dean stares at Meg. Meg frowns and her face falls.

“No.”

Dean sighs. “Yes.”

Meg groans. She runs a hand over her scalp.

“I need a drink. Come on.”

Meg slams her shot on the counter. “I can’t believe Clarence is that dumb.”

“Don’t say that,” Dean mutters, sipping at his whiskey.

Meg glances at him in disbelief. They’re sitting next to each other at the bar, the barman never hovering too far, ready to refill their drinks whenever they need it.

“You welcomed me like a friend. Me. Don’t act like you want to play nice now. You’ve got your brother for that. And your friends.”

Touché.

“I don’t think Cas is dumb.”

A grin appears on Meg’s face. She leans closer to him. Dean has to fight the urge to shuffle away. They have never been friends, and that’ll never change.

“Oooh. We’re here to bad mouth about the girl.”

Dean shouldn’t. This is low, even for him.

“She’s boring! A perfect goody-two-shoes. Why on earth Cas would date her?”

“I wouldn’t have said better. I thought he left all this...” Meg waves around “...religiousness in the dust.”

“Right? But then Daphne appears.” Dean gulps his drink. So does Meg. They put the glasses down in unison. “And he’s back talking about God and faith and– and– I don’t care he’s religious. I mean...”

“He’s cute when he gets nerdy.”

“Yeah. Like when he talks about angels. Or what heaven and hell should be like. But Daphne!”

Meg hits his shoulder. “You’re his friend.” Dean holds back a wince. It’s still a sore wound, even all those years later. “How you don’t know why he’s dating her?”

“I don’t really want to talk about his girlfriends,” he snaps. “I guess... She isn’t that bad, for... ya know?”

“A church mouse?”

“Yeah.”

They drink another shot. Dean looks at Meg.

“Listen, you, I could get it. I hated every damn second of it–”

“I did my best for it.”

“–but I could get it. And April!”

“Oh! April,” Meg purrs. “She was hot.”

“Yeah!”

April was a fucking psycho, but Meg is right: she was hot.

“But Daphne...”

“She’s meh.”

Dean’s mouth turns down. “I wouldn’t go that far.”

Meg eyerolls. “Saying meh is going too far now? You’re more prudish than I remember. Come on. Say everything that crosses your mind. It’s freeing, you’ll see.”

Dean isn’t drunk enough to insult a girl because... why? He’s jealous? He’d give anything to be at her place? Literally anything?

He crosses his arms on the counter and hides his face in them.

“What I’m doing? I know Cas doesn’t love me. I’m his best friend. That’s all. It’s been what? Five years? I should move on.” Dean pauses, as a horrible thought hits him. “I should have moved on years ago. I’m the fucking psycho in this story. Misery-like psycho.”

“I bet Cas isn’t the one who’ll end up tied up between the two of you.”

Dean glares at Meg to see she has spirited a bottle of whiskey away when he wasn’t paying attention. She pours him a drink.

“Fuck you.”

“We both know you’d want to do someone else. Or to be done.”

Dean has no retort. He glares further at Meg—he hates when people play dumb with him and misunderstand on purpose what he says—before gulping down another drink. He puts the glass down in disappointment. It’s not dampening anything he feels. He’s still a bundle of nerves for Cas dating seriously. Cas dating casually hurt, but not that much, because Dean keeps being the most important presence in his life, the girls only passing.

But Daphne isn’t one of those girls. She’s here for the long run. From what Dean knows about her, she’s certainly expecting to marry Cas and Cas... Why would Cas say no? She’s pretty. He likes to spend time with her. Maybe he’s even in love with her. Dean didn’t dare to ask him. Hearing it, seeing it in Cas’ eyes... it’d break him.

What’s wrong with him? Why can’t he be a normal friend?

“You wouldn’t suffer that much if you were normal and you accepted Clarence doesn’t see you like this,” Meg comments so conveniently that Dean worries he talked outloud, before remembering Meg loves dinging her nails in other people’s wounds. That’s the price he was ready to pay to bitch to his heart content.

He doesn’t have to worry she’s going to snitch to Sam or Cas or anyone else because she loves being the only one able to hurt him on purpose about this.

Dean gets tipsy enough to stand Meg’s company, then for Meg to convince him to search for Daphne. They call a Uber that drives them to the next neighborhood—because Meg is a coward who can’t walk for a mile—and wander enough to look like they’re planning something nefarious. By some miracle, no one calls the cops on them.

After more or less one hour of dull watching, Meg’s eyes widen. Dean follows her gaze and isn’t surprised to spot Daphne. He pouts. What does Cas see in her, actually?

Meg points a finger at her.

“That’s Daphne?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s what Daphne looks like?”

“I thought you remembered her.”

“I really don’t remember anyone except Clarence and you from high school.” Meg grimaces. “It’s creepy.”

“Why?” Dean glances back at Daphne. He may dislike her—by mere jealousy—but calling her creepy is a whole other level. She isn’t bad, Dean guesses, in the Disney princess kind.

“You’re both morons.”

“Hey!”

“You really don’t notice anything?”

Dean frowns. He studies Daphne, without noticing anything that can explains Meg’s reaction. Daphne is normal. Prettier than average.

And she’s Cas’ girlfriend. He’s the girl he’ll bring to the altar and live with and have children with—children with blue and green eyes.

Daphne turns her head and Dean whirls around, hoping she won’t notice him. He’s checking enough boxes of psycho list to not add staring at the girlfriend to it.

He holds back his breath and waits, but Daphne doesn’t confront them.

“Dean.”

Dean raises his head. Meg taps on her phone’s screen.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m going to open up your eyes.”

Meg presses the screen, sweeps, and turns the phone to him. Daphne’s face is displayed on the whole screen. Dean pushes the phone away.

“I see her enough.”

“Yeah, yeah. But did you look at her?”

“Too often to be called sensible.”

“Okay,” Meg snaps. She focuses back on her phone. After a couple of operations, she shoves it to Dean’s nose. The screen is divided between a picture of Daphne and another of his own face.

“You notice it, now?”

“You think I’m not pretty enough for Cas?”

Meg stares at him. She eyerolls.

“You still live with your family?”

“Why?”

Dean guesses he’s wasted, despite feeling quite fine. He can see no other explanation for he and Meg hovering in front of Sam’s apartment while Sam and Jess are staring at them. Meg doesn’t seem bothered. Dean can’t tell if it’s because of the alcohol or her utter lack of care.

“Oh, Sam. The brother with the two braincells.”

Dean glares at Meg, but she’s ignoring him again. It doesn’t feel malignant, for once. She’s truly focusing on Sam.

Sam shares an embarrassed glance with Jess, and Dean remembers Meg and he have been a thing. He forgot. He has been more... invested in her relationship with Cas. What a creep.

“You know Daphne, Clarence’s current girlfriend?”

“I... do. Why? You want Cas back?” Sam frowns at Dean, his mouth twisting in scorn, certainly thinking he’d ruin something that makes Cas happy on purpose.

He doesn’t suck that much.

Meg scoffs, in a way that makes Dean bristles. How can she sound so despising about Cas? Who wouldn’t dream to date him? Dean can’t imagine the pain of having the chance to belong to him and losing it. To know and having memories instead of feeble daydreams.

But, to hurt, one needs a heart, and this is something Meg lacks.

Meg waves Sam’s words away.

“What you think about her?”

“Huh?”

Meg eyerolls. “How she looks like. You haven’t noticed something about this Daphne?”

“I’m engaged,” Sam retorts coldly. “I don’t notice other girls... especially not someone else’s girlfriend.”

Meg levels a stare at him. “You’re all dumb,” she states before turning around and stomping away.

“I think she really wants us to notice something,” Dean mutters reluctantly.

He loathes to have to defend Meg.

Sam scoffs. “Notice what?”

“I don’t know!”

Sam shakes his head, muttering about his selfishness, before stepping back in his apartment and slamming the door shut.

Dean runs after Meg.

Dean mouthgapes at his family’s home. Then at Meg. She’s staring at the house, her jaw working.

“What are we doing here?” he whispers, with the uneasy feeling he’s back in high school.

He frowns. The whole situation has that annoying déjà vu taste. Did he and Meg already find themselves in that situation...?

April! We were searching for April!

And now, they’re asking about Daphne. They didn’t make any progress since high school. That’s the creepy thing.

“Someone in your family has to have more than two braincells.”

She rings the bell. Dean is tempted to run away but curiosity roots him on the spot.

He’s getting that saying about the cat.

John Winchester opens the door, looking annoyed, but not anywhere as much as he’d be allowed to be given the late hour—or early... Dean isn’t really sure. John glances at Dean in surprise, but Meg beats him to whatever he could have said, “What do you think of Daphne Allen?”

“Daphne?”

Meg eyerolls.

“Clarence’s girlfriend.”

“Cas,” Dean corrects her.

“Why would I think about Castiel’s girlfriend?”

Meg shoves her phone under John’s nose. Dean sees his dad is about to snap but a frown paints on his face. He stares at the picture.

“Dad?”

He snaps out of it.

Meg grins. “You noticed, didn’t you?”

“Noticed what?” Dean asks, not liking how he’s out of the loop. It’s about Cas, his best friend.

“She does look like someone I know,” John says reluctantly.

Dean rakes his mind, but Daphne only looks like Daphne to him.

“Really? Who?”

“Who, indeed,” Meg smirks.

John slams the door at Meg’s face.

Dean muses he has been surprisingly patient.

Dean stares at the text. It’s from an unknown number but, despite the lack of signature, he knows who sent it.

Unknown: Daphne has ALL the braincells in this city

Unknown: I showed her the pictures, SHE connected the dots and ended things with Clarence

Unknown: Don’t thank me

First of all, What? And second, how Meg got his number?

Unknown: I won’t help you ever again

Dean grits his teeth. He never asked for her help, and certainly not to ruin Cas’ relationship. He only wanted to vent about Cas having a serious girlfriend, a girlfriend who’d love to get a ring.

Would have loved to, until Meg did... whatever she did.

His heart twists in guilt. Cas deserves all the happiness. Dean has never wanted to get in the way. Wallowing in his misery is one thing, that...

Cas is going to hate him.

Dean doesn’t wonder whether or not he should tell him. It’s obvious. Cas has to know the truth. Maybe it’ll allow him to win Daphne back and get his happy-end with her.

Dean is cowardly enough to think about coming clean by phone, then he berates himself. He’s going to man up, and explains it to Cas’ face.

Then he’ll hide in his apartment for weeks—except for work... even his fantasy doesn’t allow him to forget about it—and not look at his phone or mail once, until Cas forgives him.

“Hey,” Dean greets Cas, once he opens the door.

Cas steps aside to let him in. Dean has to gather his courage to walk in. He loves Cas’ place, except when he’s dating and there are evidences of it all around. But today... Today it feels like going to the scaffold.

He’s still thinking about the best way to take the plunge when Cas announces, “Daphne broke up with me.”

The confession is on the tip of Dean’s tongue until he notices something weird. He raises his head and what he heard in Cas’ voice—what he didn’t hear—mirrors on his face. Cas doesn’t care about his break-up. He isn’t sad, or disappointed, or... annoyed. Nothing.

“And you’re fine with it?” he asks, puzzled. “I thought things were going well.”

“They were,” Cas sighs, confusing Dean further. He goes to his kitchen and brings two beers. He opens the first one and hands it to Dean before opening his own. He takes a sip of his drink. Dean can’t help but be enticed by the movement of his throat.

“I don’t understand.”

“Daphne is nice, and things were going well.”

“It wasn’t enough?”

Cas’ mouth quirks bitterly. Dean wants to destroy his question.

“I’m too greedy.”

“That’s not what I meant. It’s just...” Dean shrugs. “Sometimes things look good and perfect, but they don’t feel like it, you see?”

Cas’ smile softens and it’s a victory. Butterflies feels free to dance in Dean’s stomach and he smiles back. This is how he’d love to spend his forever, being with Cas, watching in his eyes, the both of them smiling.

“You felt like that for long?”

“Some time.”

“And you didn’t...?”

“I’d have felt bad for breaking up when she did nothing to deserve so.”

Dean gets it. He never broke up with someone. He doesn’t think he’d be able to, even in a strange world where he’d start dating again.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

The corners of Cas’ eyes crinkle fondly. Dean feels warm inside and out.

“I didn’t want you to be sad. You care so much... I’d have hated you to be anguished because of a choice I made.”

It doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean anything.

The mantra doesn’t work. Dean has to tear his eyes away of Cas, sure his emotions are going to spill of him. Or worse, the words Cas doesn’t want him to say. He clears his throat.

“I wouldn’t have been anguished.”

Cas makes a mocking sound. He jerks his chin at him to ask him to follow him. Dean complies. They walk deeper in the living room and Dean settles on the couch.

“Wanna watch a movie?”

Dean hasn’t planned anything for today, but Cas’ lack of pop culture is so appalling Dean hardly breached it in the five years they have known each other.

“Well...” Cas’ attention snaps on the TV. A little smile plays on his lips. Dean follows his eyes and spots a brown-haired female reporter.

“Someone crushes on the reporter?” he teases him.

Cas takes the time to eyeroll before watching the TV again. Dean is pretty sure he makes the same eyes whenever there’s Patrick Swayze or Harrison Ford on a screen. It’s cute.

“That’s your kind of girl?”

“She’s... tough, but tender and compassionate too.”

“That’s what you want in someone?”

“Dean.”

“Come on... what’s the point in having a best friend and having slumber parties if you don’t talk about girls.”

“It’s a slumber party?”

Dean nods at the TV. “There’s no movie playing, is there?”

Cas’ mouth quivers in amusement. Dean’s attention lingers on it too long.

“The only options are movie nights and slumber parties?”

Dean makes a whole show to shrug. Cas sits next to him. Dean’s whole body angles toward him.

“Daphne wasn’t tough,” he remarks.

April and Meg doesn’t have an ounce of compassion in them.

“It’s quite rare.”

“But that’s what you like.”

“Indeed.”

Cas looks so saddened that Dean has to do something. He pokes at his shoulder.

“Care to tell me which of your girlfriends is the hottest?”

“Dean,” Cas says in that scolding voice of his that sends a shiver down his spine.

“Come on,” Dean drawls, looking at him through his eyelashes in a way that’ll make any of his flirt try to kiss him. It never works with Cas but he can’t help it. “Humor me.”

Cas sighs. Dean leans into him.

“Come on. You’re not dating any of them. You can tell me. Hm? April?”

“If we have to talk about this, the one I found—the one I’m finding—the most attractive is Daphne.”

Dean leans back, surprised. “Daphne?”

“She’s beautiful, with harmonious features and green eyes...” Cas’ voice trails off, almost dreamily, as if he wants to write poetry about those eyes. Something rebels in Dean.

I’ve got green eyes too!

He somehow keeps the words to himself.

“I guess I know why you didn’t break up.”

“I told you why. Don’t start.”

“Sounds like excuses.”

Cas utters an amused sound. Twice in less than five minutes... Dean’s rather proud of himself.

They start a movie.

It’s only when he goes back home that Dean realizes he hasn’t told Cas about how he talked to Meg and how it led to Daphne breaking up with him.

Chapter Text

Cas doesn’t like to be single. He’s a romantic at heart, loves planning dates and offering sappy gifts and writing poetry about his lovers. They often watch romcom for their movie nights. No one has to know. They don’t judge each other for what they like to watch or read, though they don’t mind teasing each other. Cas sure loves poking Dean about his love for cowboys movies when they’re alone.

Dean knows Cas won’t stay single long. There’s nothing wrong with it, and it’s fine when you don’t, you know, have a crush on the person.

Except Dean does.

It’d hurt less if they weren’t best friends and, therefore, Dean wasn’t Cas’ first confident. He could wriggle out of that role—Cas can be tactful, despite what people think—but he’ll cling to the slightest bit of their relationship. One can try to pry it from his cold dead fingers.

And if he can’t have Cas, the next best thing is to have a relationship to him by proxy.

...

He does know how that sounds.

Dean reads wistfulness in Cas’ eyes, and in the slump of his shoulders, sometime. It’s nothing obvious, though it’s getting stronger and stronger with every passing day.

Dean knows him. He doesn’t have to ask to know what it is about.

Cas misses having a girlfriend.

Charlie is unable to settle in one town, keeps taking part in and planning many events, so she knows more people than Dean. So, when she drifts in town a couple of days later—and crashes on his couch because why would she wastes money for a place?—, Dean asks, “Do you know anyone tough but tender, with a Disney-princess face and beautiful green eyes?”

Worse than seeing Cas dating is seeing Cas being sad.

Charlie stares at him and bursts out laughing. Dean frowns. His question isn’t that weird. They’ve known each other for a while, and Dean’s ready to bet this is one of the most normal talk they ever started.

She’s still hiccuping when she pats his knee. “Good one.” She snorts. “Glad you’re acknowledging the Disney-princess face. You toot your own horn... but you can, so.”

“Huh?”

“You’re the most Disney-princess person I ever met, and I’m including all those times I ran into Disnerds. And no one can beat your fanfiction green eyes.”

Dean blinks. His heart flutters.

“I’m not talking about me,” he states sternly, more against the hope stirring in him than against Charlie. He won’t allow the slightest sliver of hope to awake inside him. Never again. “I’m asking for Cas. He described me his dream girl and she’s that.”

Charlie stares at him, her mouth hanging. She raises a finger.

“Why his dream girl is you?”

“She’s not!” Dean says, trying to not remember the jealousy he felt when Cas said he found Daphne’s green eyes beautiful.

Charlie raises her eyebrows doubtfully.

“Cas is straight.”

“I know. I was here the whole time.” She smiles dreamily. “And April.”

“April,” Dean confirms.

“Maybe Cas is in the closet? Or repressed?”

“Charlie.”

“His ‘dream girl’ is you. It has to mean something, whether he’s aware of it or not.”

“He’s straight,” Dean says again, not caring it sounds like a plea. “Don’t say otherwise. I can’t– Charlie, I love him.”

Charlie startles. Her eyes go wide. Dean didn’t expect his confession either, but he can’t take it back or shrug it off as a joke. He’s feeling more vulnerable than he has felt in ages. Bristle. A step away from breaking down. He drops his gaze.

“I loved him all this time.”

“Oh, Dean.” Charlie hugs him. “I’m sorry.”

Dean hugs her back. It’s nice to be comforted about this.

“I thought you hated his girlfriends because they’re always mean.”

“That too.”

Charlie hugs him tighter before taking a step back.

“You didn’t know? For real?”

Dean feels like he’s pretty obvious about Cas.

“He’s so important for you I didn’t connect the dots.”

Charlie sounds sad and that won’t do. Dean didn’t say that to burden her, even if someone else knowing—a friend knowing—is unburdening him.

“Despite the blue eyes and the dark hair?”

Charlie blinks in surprise. “Huh?”

“And didn’t you see that time Cas manhandled me against a wall when we argued?”

Dean prevents himself to say the first time. He won’t share everything with Charlie, and he likes to have things that only belong to Cas and him.

“Totally your type,” Charlie comments.

Dean hums.

“You–”

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

Charlie stares at him. Dean thinks for a bit she’s going to do so anyway. People usually answer to his requests by ignoring them.

“You want to eat pies and watch Star Wars?”

“Pies and Han Solo? I haven’t been dumped.”

Charlie shrugs. “Sounds like you can use some comfort. And it’s not like Leia is any hardship for me.”

Dean ponders for a bit. But Charlie is right: they both love the movies and have a crush on the actors. Fuck it. They deserve something nice.

Dean is an idiot and he can’t take what Charlie said out of his mind. He knows it’s not the truth. He knows.

And yet...

Whenever he sees his reflection, he notices his green eyes, and he is pretty. It’s not arrogance. Everyone tells so. It may have caused him trouble, but it also helped a couple of times. You’d be surprised at how many times being polite and acting cute can help.

He isn’t sure for the tender and compassionate, but tough he is, and he isn’t as mean as Meg or April.

Whenever his mind takes this route, however, he reminds himself that Cas is straight, like very straight. He doesn’t even have male actor crushes. Dean never heard him praise a man’s appearance, or spotted him admire a man. And he has been on the lookout, longing for the slightest clue he may have a chance.

He tells himself it’s better this way. It’d be worse if Cas liked men and didn’t want Dean only because he’s Dean.

You can always find worse, if you set your mind to it.

It’s a cold comfort, though.

Dean shouldn’t have confided in Charlie. It’s not that he doesn’t trust her, or she gave reasons for him to doubt her, but she’s Cas’ friend too, so they all end up in a diner. Countless knots twist his stomach and a weigh compresses his chest. He’s kinda surprised he can breathe at all. He keeps glancing at Charlie, fearing she’s going to spill his secret. That’s why he never told anyone. He doesn’t want it to reach Cas, and Cas to pity him. What’s gotten into him to tell Charlie?

Except Charlie’s behavior is normal—in a Charlie way. Nothing shows Dean shared his secret with her. Dean relaxes... until he notices a waitress stealing glances and throwing smiles Cas’ way. Dean can’t blame her. It’s quite surprising crowds aren’t fighting to get a scrap of Cas’ attention.

The waitress comes back with their order. She may put plates down in front of Dean and Charlie, it’s like they don’t exist. She’s pretty—different from Daphne... but so were Meg and April—and she looks nice enough.

Dean reaches for Cas’ shoulder.

“My shy, but devastatingly handsome friend here was just wondering, when do you get off?”

Charlie chokes on her drink. She stares at Dean with wide eyes but regains her composture and smiles to the waitress. She’s pretty, so it’s no any hardship.

“He’s dreamy,” she adds.

The waitress grins and gives her number to Cas. Cas pockets it. Dean has to look away from that, his stomach twisting. He can’t find in himself to enjoy the rest of the meal.

Cas leaves them in front of the restaurant. Dean can’t help but wonder if he’s going to call the waitress and brings her to a date.

As soon as Cas rounds a corner, a punch lands on Dean’s shoulder.

“Ouch!”

Dean rubs his arm, staring at Charlie. She hits hard for such a little redhead.

“What’s gotten into you?”

“What’s gotten into me?” she echoes, offended. “What’s gotten into you? Why you’re playing the matchmaker for Cas?”

“Why not?”

Charlie gestures wildly at him. Dean feels a little warmed she takes the secret thing so seriously she doesn’t talk about it even now.

“Cas is happier when he dates. I don’t want him to be sad.”

Charlie mellows. “Well you are my friend too, and I don’t want you to be sad either.”

Dean blinks. He hasn’t thought about how Charlie could feel because of it.

Charlie pats his arm in apology. “You wanna help me plan our next LARPing?”

The change of topic is obvious, the line impossible to miss.

Dean smiles fondly. “Sure.”

As Dean expected, Cas soon dates again.

The new girl is called Hannah. She has dark hair and blue eyes. She’s polite but distant, and quite cold toward Dean. Taking his clue, Dean avoids her as much as he can. He and Cas spend less and less time together, but it’s always how it goes when Cas dates. It’s logical. He doesn’t belong to Dean.

At least, now Hannah is here, Dean doesn’t have to act as a wingman for Cas anymore. He’s good at it, but helping people get what he have dreamt to have for years is a special kind of torment.

But then, Dean and Cas drift further apart. There’s hardly the time anymore for a weekly movie night and Dean fears their tradition is going to be dropped altogether. It doesn’t, at least not now. Dean doesn’t boast victory. He doesn’t want it to be seen by a provocation and make the universe steal that last bit of Cas that belongs to him.

He doesn’t know how he could live without his best friend.

Dean works more than ever, planning semesters of lessons he’ll never use. Sam seems glad at what he sees as a sign of maturity. Charlie, whenever they see each other, watches him in concern. She doesn’t bring out the problem, and Dean’s grateful for it. It’s hard enough to hold himself together as it is. He can’t make himself more vulnerable by spilling his gut.

Especially since Hannah is as serious about dating Cas than Daphne was, which means...

Dean doesn’t allow himself to think and wallow about it. He didn’t forgot the problems it caused to Cas, the last time.

Time goes by and Dean gets used to their new routine, even if he misses Cas every second of every day, even when—especially when—they’re together.

Weirdly enough, Dean is dumbfounded when Cas tells him he’s going to marry. He has always known this day was going to happen and yet it takes him by surprise. He regains his composture quickly enough to congralutate Cas and accept with a smile when he asks him to be his best man.

Dean falls apart once he’s safe inside his room, lying on his bed.

Time passes too quickly and slowly at once.

Whenever Cas talks about his wedding and Dean helps him through it, Dean feels like the minutes drag on into hours. Yet, as soon as he blinks, the fateful date is nearer.

I’m losing Cas, Dean thinks every morning.

He’s torn between two mood: being hurt when Cas talks about his future and enjoying those last moments that belong to them. Dean meets Hannah more often. Neither of them is happy with it. And Dean’s uneasiness grows each time he sees the future newleds together. Cas is as careful and attentive with her than he has been with every one of his girlfriends. But Hannah...? Dean feels like she doesn’t care about Cas that much.

He tries to ignore it. How he can be sure it’s not his jealousy talking? But then he remembers Meg. Dean couldn’t stand her, mostly because Meg knew what he feels for Cas and used every occasion to rub their relationship at him. But she cared about Cas, or Clarence as she calls him, with all his weirdness and snarkiness, so they came to some sort of understanding, tolerating each other for Cas’ sake.

Hannah is different. She treats Cas well, sure, but she’s proud of marrying Castiel Novak, the youngest son of the Novaks, the guiding force of the local congregation—and an excellent reason to avoid church according to Dean. She seems to only care about the masks he wears in public. Dean knows enough about love to know it’s not like in the movies, but they’re lacking passion, complicity. Cas doesn’t snark around Hannah, or be bitchy, or act like he knows better than anyone. He doesn’t ramble around the things he loves. He doesn’t watch her, starstruck. He’s here, that’s all.

Are you sure about this? he prevents himself to ask Cas more than once. Don’t you want to wait for your green-eyed and tough Disney princess? She has to live somewhere. She’ll love you as you deserve.

But Dean doesn’t know everything about them. Their couple has to be more than he sees. They wouldn’t marry otherwise.

His heart squeezes at the thought. Cas is a romantic at heart. He wouldn’t marry Hannah if he weren’t in love with her.

Dean’s doubts always crash in this deadend. He comforts himself with the fact Cas, or Hannah, chose to marry at the beginning of July. He’ll have two months to cry over it. He planned a roadtrip so he won’t have to keep himself together for anyone.

The big day swoops on them.

Being in the church, watching Hannah walking up the aisle, is surreal. Dean glances at Cas, searching in his face, his gaze for happiness. Or stress. Or anxiousness. For something—anything—really.

But Cas looks like he’s here for business.

Marrying is your dream. Why aren’t you happier?

Because he wants to marry for love, and he isn’t in love with Hannah.

The thought strikes him suddenly. Dean wants to convince himself he’s imagining things, but he remembers Cas confessing he wasn’t in love with Daphne but couldn’t bring himself to break up because she did nothing wrong.

Hannah doesn’t look like the kind of person to do anything wrong.

How Dean can remember this only now? He shifts on his feet, anxiousness spiking in his limbs. He could have talked Cas out of it.

He was certainly too busy feeling sorry for himself... Talk about a best friend.

“Speak now, or forever hold your peace.”

Dean’s heart stops. He missed that much of the wedding? He glances at the priest, appalled at the last chance that literally jumped on him. Oh my... He can’t do something like this, can he?

The priest surveys the crowd, opens his mouth. Dean whirls toward Cas.

“You deserve better than this.”

Dean feels everyone’s eyes shift to him. His stomach drops. Cas looks at him and tilts his head in curiosity. Dean breathes in. It’s about Cas. He’s the only one who matters, right now.

He’ll worry about the rest later.

“You deserve to be with someone who loves you. Someone who’d listen to you for hours, who’d ask to spend time with you just because, who’d not care if you’re sarcastic and snarky and that sometimes you talk about burning down the world because you’re offended by how unfair it is. You– This,” Dean gestures around them, “this isn’t you. This isn’t what you dreamed about.”

It’s a cage and Dean be damned if he doesn’t try to prevent Cas to go in.

“We shouldn’t have invited you,” Hannah declares. “Of course, you’d say something like this.”

“This isn’t about me.”

Hannah scoffs. Dean’s blood turns cold. She knows. He doesn’t dare to look away from Cas, even if his mind starts racing. How could have Hannah noticed something Dean’s family never saw?

“One word and I get you out of there. I’ll drive you anywhere you want.”

“Castiel,” Hannah calls, “don’t listen to him. It’s not for you he’s saying this. It’s for himself. He doesn’t want you to marry.”

“I’d never!”

“Castiel. I have been patient. We talked about this several times, but it’s going too far.”

They talked about this... Does it mean... Does Cas know?

Dean feels his expression fall. Something tries to grab his heart, twist it and tear it from his chest.

“You have to choose, now, him or us.”

Him or us.

Cas’ choice is obvious. Why he’d burden himself with Dean longer when he can marry and have his very own family—a very real family?

Cas’ expression turns stony and Dean wants to leave. He doesn’t want to hear or witness anymore of this.

He isn’t able to.

Cas looks at Dean, sorrow in his eyes. That’s it. That’s the moment when he’d lose him.

Cas looks away from him to watch Hannah. He’s going to tell her everything she wants to hear. Dean’d have lost his friendship for nothing.

He just has to hope Cas will be happy, despite his bad feeling.

“I can’t,” Cas says softly.

Dean’s heart seems to stop. Hannah scowls.

“I won’t suffer further humiliation.”

She nods at her family. They rise from their seats and leave in unison. Each of them darts a venomous glance to Dean, and he’s vaguely aware of it, still staring at Cas. He chose him.

“Goodbye, Castiel,” says Hannah.

She glares at Dean, contempt obvious on her face, before looking away from him, as if she’s erasing him of her life. Dean must grants her that she walks back on the aisle with much more dignity than anyone would in her place. She leaves the church. Dean feels himself shaking. More than half the guests are gone but all those who stayed are staring at him, their judgement screaming on their face. His family is here too. Dean wants nothing but to run away and ditch his phone and drive even farther away, going somewhere none of them would reach him. He hasn’t felt so ashamed since– since... ever, actually.

Cas stands in front of Dean, cutting his view of the crowd. He nods at the priest who’s looking confused—given his age and how many wedding he has officiated, it certainly means something about Dean—before walking to him in a heavy silence, aimed at Dean.

“Cas...”

“Let’s get out of here.”

Dean nods.

“Thank you,” Cas says when they seat in the Impala. “I was about to make a mistake.”

“What are friends for?”

Cas glances quizzically at him. Dean tries to smile and fails miles away. He’s too shaken-up to be credible—around Cas anyway. He’s still shaking. Answering the speak now challenge is cooler in movies. Dean is pretty sure none of the badass characters who want to save the love of their life feels like throwing up of stress.

“Where do you want us to go?”

Cas shrugs and looks through the window. “Anywhere. I want time before facing any of them again.”

Dean winces. He’d have to face them too. He isn’t looking forward to it.

Cas quirks an eyebrow at him. “Now, before they recover from their surprise and drag us out of the car.”

Dean startles into action. He fumbles with the key and starts Baby. Cas frowns at his hands. Dean wonders if he’s regretting his second-split decision. His choice.

Dean drives away. The silence between them is heavy. Or maybe it’s in Dean’s mind. Worry and surprise and adrenaline isn’t a good mix. He shakes his head. He has to focus. He’s going to drive Cas wherever he wants. If his family despises him, so be it.

His stomach twists as his phone buzzes because of a text. Then another. Then it’s a stream.

His hands tighten on the wheel.

“Dean?”

Cas’ voice is gentle. Dean glances at him and his face is all soft and expressive again, not like when he was in the church. He was right to call him out on it.

“My family is going to hate me.”

“They won’t.”

“They’re mad at me. They’re disappointed.”

Cas’ hand lands on his shoulder, grounding him.

“I’ll clear the misunderstanding off. You helped me. They can’t blame you for this.”

What if they can?

But he helped Cas, so it’s worth it.

Cas’ hand leaves his shoulder. Dean starts to relax, until he remembers Hannah and her accusations. He still isn’t sure whether Cas knows his feelings or not.

If he knew, he’d have told me.

So he doesn’t know. Dean crosses his fingers for it to not change. Cas shouldn’t have to be bothered with his nonsense. The wedding he planned for months has been suddenly annuled! It’s a shock, even if it’s for the best. Maybe Cas didn’t get Hannah’s accusations. He often misses the several layers words can have.

“What Hannah meant?”

That’s just his luck.

“When?” Dean tries, hoping against all hopes Cas missed Hannah’s attack.

Cas raises an eyebrow. Dean swallows.

“I meant everything I said. It was for you.”

“I know, Dean. But Hannah meant something.”

She did.

“Can we talk about this later Cas?”

“As you wish.”

The reference makes him smile. He can’t help it.

“Dork.”

Dean glances at him. Cas is smiling that little smile of his, and it’s the happiest Dean has seen him for weeks. Yeah, everything was worth it.

He burns the image into his memory.

Maybe it’s the last time Cas offers him that kind of smile.

They pause in a diner. They eat and talk and laugh, in a carefree way, as they haven’t in a year.

Those are other memories Dean will hold on tighly all his life, no matter what happens next.

They set off driving again until the night darkens around them. They decide it’s time to stop in a motel. Dean is tempted not to. He doesn’t really think their families are chasing them, but he also doesn’t think they aren’t. Taking turns driving would be sensible, wouldn’t it?

When he shares his thought to Cas, his best friend doesn’t look impressed.

“I’m sure our families have better to do than dropping everything to chase two grown men who are old enough to make their own choices.”

Dean thinks Cas overestimates their families, but sleeping in a bed sounds nice—if he manages to sleep—and he owes Cas an explanation. Having that talk and being trapped in the car together for hours sound like some kind of hell.

Dean pays for two rooms. When he comes back to Cas, he finds him leaning against the Impala—a gorgeous sight. Cas is staring into space.

“It should have been my wedding night.”

“Disappointed of not getting some?”

“Not really. This marriage would have been a mistake. Again.”

Dean holds Cas his key. Cas takes it without thinking but then he notices the key still in Dean’s hand. His eyebrows rise.

“You booked two rooms?”

Dean gets his surprise. When they usually travel, they only book a room. It’s more economical, and Dean finds comforting to sleep in the same room as Cas. It feels safe as nothing else does.

“Don’t worry. We’re neighbors,” he explains, walking back toward the motel.

Cas falls in steps with him. Dean’s heart beats so loudly he has the impression it’s trying to escape his ribcage.

Dean stops in front of his room and fumbles with the keys. Cas lays a hand on his shoulder. He relaxes. Only Cas is able to calm him with a touch.

And I’m losing him.

“What’s wrong Dean? You’re acting weird since the wedding.”

“The not-wedding, you mean.”

Cas isn’t distracted by his pathetic attempt at humor.

“Dean.”

The way Cas says his name is more efficient than a thousand arguments. Dean turns his head and meets his sad eyes.

“Is it so difficult to say?”

“What do you think it is?”

Cas looks surprised by the question.

“You aren’t dumb, Cas. I’m sure you can connect the dots.”

But Cas keeps staring at him in confusion. A stone settles in Dean’s stomach. His love has to make Cas quite uneasy for him to not have the slightest clue. Despite Hannah’s words. Despite Meg’s tauntings. Despite every little moment they shared since they met.

Dean wants to delay longer. He can’t, and maybe part of him is tired of keeping that secret. Maybe that’s why he told Charlie. Maybe that’s why he’s always expecting everyone to guess it.

“Hannah was talking about the fact I love you.”

Cas’ expression blanks. Dean drops his gaze.

“I know you don’t feel the same and I don’t ask you to... I don’t ask you anything, just... Can we keep being friends?” He chances a glance at Cas but drops it right away when he realizes his expression didn’t change. “You’re one of the most important person of my life. I need you. Not– not like that, but I need you in my life. What we already have is enough for me. I won’t demand anything more. But please...”

Don’t leave. Don’t abandon me.

But Dean has no right to ask for this. He clears his throat.

“Alright... I’m gonna hit the hay. Goodnight Cas.”

Dean hopes it’s not a goodbye.

He doesn’t dare looking at Cas when he opens the door or locks himself in his motel room. He presses his back against the door. It’s done. He can’t step back.

Dean hardly got some shut eye. Not a surprise, but still a disappointment.

He’s facing the door, willing to stop acting like a coward and just take a step out of this goddamn room when knocks sound at the door. Cas. He freezes for a beat, fearing their confrontation more than he’s ready to admit.

He forces himself to reach for the doorknob and opens the door. Cas doesn’t seem to have a better night: exhaustion is marking his face. Dean’s belly twists in guilt. It’s his fault.

Cas is holding a cup in one hand and a bag in the other. He hands him the cup.

“Coffee.”

“Thanks.”

Dean takes the drink. Cas nods curtly and lifts the bag.

“I thought you’d accommodate a slice of pie.”

“Dude, it’s pie,” Dean retorts instinctively.

He stares at the bag, then at Cas. If he’s bringing him coffee and pie, it means he isn’t mad at him. Dean searches in his expression. He doesn’t find anything negative, except tiredness.

“We... are still friends?”

“Why we wouldn’t be?”

“Because of what I said.”

Cas winces and Dean regrets to have opened his mouth.

“Can we talk inside?”

“Sure.”

Dean steps aside. Cas shoves the bag in his arms before walking inside the motel room. He stares the bed, tenses, turns jerkily away of it and stomps to a chair. He swivels it around to make it face the bed and sits. Taking his cue, Dean settles on the bed, facing Cas. He puts the bag next to his hip. There’s so much tension in the air he has to use all his will to not curl on himself.

“You’re beautiful,” Cas blurts out.

Dean stares at his best friend. Something akin to panic passes in Cas’ eyes.

“You know that, obviously.”

Dean feels his face heats up. He never pictured himself as beautiful. Pretty, sure. Cute sometimes. Handsome too. But beautiful?

“Thing is... I had a lot of time to think, tonight, and I noticed that I find you beautiful, which is a whole different matter.”

Cas pauses. Dean hardly dares to breathe. He blinks. It can’t be happening. He’s imagining things. Cas is going to say something really sensible in a couple of minutes and he’ll see he’s feeding dumb and unfounded hopes again.

“I thought back about everything that bonds us, everything that is us. About how I feel around you. I concluded that me too.”

“You too?”

Cas flinches.

“I love you.”

Dean pinches his arm. Hard. The sharp pain doesn’t jostle him awake. This is real. Cas told him he loves him.

And Cas is looking so uneasy Dean almost expects him to jump to his feet and run out of the room. He has to defuse the situation.

“What do you want us to do about it?”

“Until 3:43 am, I didn’t know I could love a man that way.”

Dean smiles. The precision is so Cas.

“We can carry on as we did.” And Dean means it. He’d have been happy keeping Cas’ friendship in spite of everything. Knowing he loves him back is more than he expected. “We don’t have to do anything about it.”

The words hardly left his mouth that Dean knows it’s not an option. He wouldn’t mind, but Cas’ personality would forbide it.

Cas straightens his spine, a will of steel shining in his eyes. “I intend to do something about it.”

Butterflies burst in Dean’s stomach and fly all over him. He wonders if he’s cut out for dating Cas if such little words have that much of an effect on him.

“I just don’t know what yet,” Cas adds in annoyance.

Dean puts the bag of pie on his lap and moves to the side. He pats the place at his right. Cas stills. He unfolds himself, crosses the three steps between them with purpose and sits at his side. Dean doesn’t have the time to worry about any awkwardness: Castiel presses his shoulder and his knee against his, where it belongs.

Dean lays a hand on his. He grins at being allowed to.

“We can take our time.”

The mere fact there’s a them and they have a future together is enough to give him the impression the future is full of endless possibilities. He doesn’t care anymore about his family disapproval. It feels like another life’s problem.

“Besides... you have free time. I’ve got free time. Sounds like a nice timing, huh?”

The geniune smile Dean adores, the one who quirks up Cas’ mouth on a side, appears.

“Indeed.”

“We’ll have enough time to get used to... this,” Dean adds lamely, squeezing on Cas’ hand.

Cas doesn’t seem to mind his loss of words. He turns his hand. Their palms rest together. It’s so soft, so domestic, that Dean could melt.

“A road trip, like we used to do.”

“Yeah.”

Cas quirks an eyebrow. “And we share our room again, obviously.”

Dean smirks, “As you wish.”

Cas brings his hand to his mouth and kisses it. Dean’s heart misses a beat.

“As you wish,” Cas retorts.

Dean eyerolls. “You’re a dork.”

“You know that, and you love me anyway.”

Not anyway. Because of this, and of everything else.

Dean looks down at their tangled hands.

Everything is going to be fine.