Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

23:37

Unnamed group chat

Anne Boleyn has added Catalina Trastámara.

Anne Boleyn has added Jane Seymour.

Anne Boleyn has added Anna La Marck

Anne Boleyn has added Katherine Howard

Anne Boleyn has added Catherine Parr.

Anne Boleyn has changed one name to toe biter

Anna: tf is this???

toe biter: i dont know :)

Catalina: Are you guys the people I live with?

Catalina: Like in the Big House?

Jane: Yes

Katherine: yep!

Katherine: i know some of you guys, but not all of yall!

toe biter: yall?

Katherine: y’all

Jane: I don’t know who you people are!

Jane: How about we introduce ourselves?

Anna: sounds childish

Anna: im in!

Catalina: I’ll go first, my name is Catalina Trastámara. I’m 29 years old. I’m originally from Spain, but moved to the UK when I was sixteen. And I enjoy watching soap operas.

toe biter: who tf has the effort to use proper grammar her

toe biter: here*

Catalina: I do.

toe biter: ew

toe biter has changed one name to grammar kisser

grammar kisser: Why? Just why?

toe biter: for funsies 🤪🤪

toe biter: anyway ill go next <333

toe biter: im that anne boleyn, im 26 and from France.

toe biter: no baguette jokes 😡😡

toe biter: i enjoy pissing people off, and also Katherine is my cousin!!!
luv you btw

grammar kisser: Wait, you're Anne Boleyn?

toe biter: wasnt that obvious?

grammar kisser: So you're the one who filled my closet with balloons.

grammar kisser: Filled my shoe with butter.

grammar kisser: And dumped three packs of powdered sugar on my bed for my birthday? Horrible birthday present, by the way.

toe biter: wasnt that also obvious?

grammar kisser: You kind of suck. No, scratch that you’re absolutely horrible.

toe biter: thats not very nice of yoi to say that

grammar kisser: “yoi?”

toe biter has changed one name to Catalina de Asshole

Catalina de Asshole: Oh joy.

toe biter: suffer bitch

Anna: @Jane Seymour its your turn

Jane: Oh! Well, I’m Jane Seymour, I’m also 29. I enjoy cooking and baking, and am really good at crossword puzzles!

toe biter: mom vibes

Anna: Agreed

Catalina de Asshole: Aren’t you going to change her name too?

toe biter: no :p

Catalina de Asshole: I hate you.

toe biter: luv u too 🥰🥰🥰

Catalina de Asshole: That’s not what I said.

toe biter: close enough

Anna: shut up you two

Anna: its my turn now 😎

Anna: im anna la marck

toe biter has changed one name to la markiplier

la markiplier: not even gonna question that

la markiplier: im from germany, 27 years old, and likes literally everything athletic

toe biter: does that include pieing a car bcuz that takes effort to throw it

lamarkiplier: yk what sure

toe biter has changed one name to not a nazi

not a nazi: i dont know whether to be offended or not

not a nazi: ill take the latter

Catherine: i wake up to see i have been added to some groupchat

Catherine: kill me now plz

toe biter: no

toe biter: suffer lol

Catherine Parr has left the group chat

toe biter has added Catherine Parr to the groupchat

Catherine Parr has left the group chat

toe biter has added Catherine Parr to the groupchat

Catherine Parr has left the groupchat

toe biter has added Catherine Parr to the groupchat

Catherine Parr has left the groupchat

toe biter has added Catherine Parr to the groupchat

Catherine: i give up

toe biter: as you should

Catalina de Asshole: Don’t worry, Catherine, you can just beat up the gremlin later.

toe biter: not if you cant catch me

toe biter: im way to fast AND strong for both of you

Catalina de Asshole: You are 26 and weigh 40 kilograms.

Catalina de Asshole: You and your cousin are both paler than literal chalk.

Catalina de Asshole: And your body does not sustain the proper nutrients since when you were 10.

toe biter: where tf did you get that???

Catalina de Asshole: I googled your medical records to spite you.

toe biter: stalker

toe biter: anddd shes offline :/’

Jane: What did I just witness?

not a lame german: hell

toe biter: @Katherine Howard your turn lol

toe biter: @Katherine Howard your turn lol

toe biter: @Katherine Howard hello?

toe biter: @Katherine Howard u alive?

toe biter: @Katherine Howard

Katherine: sorry i was busy studying for exams!

toe biter: this late at night?

Katherine: yes?

toe biter: o ok

Jane: It’s your turn, darling!

Katherine: oh

Katherine: ok!

Katherine: im katherine howard! Im 17 and born in raised in london. I study arts in university, and I really like anything pink! And cats. And maybe theater, so yeah! also, as stated b4, Jane and Anne are my second and first cousins respectively

toe biter: tf does respectively mean?

Katherine: in that order

toe biter: wait I lowk forgot we were also cousins w/ Jane

not a nazi: how?

toe biter: magix

Jane: “Magix?”

toe biter: magic >:(

Katherine: no I like it!

toe biter: if kat says it’s good, magix is the new magic

Katherine: aw thank u Annie :]

toe biter has changed one name to cuddablekitkat

Catherine: that’s not a word

toe biter: stfu

4:21

Ppl i room w/ (hell)

Catherine: wait, @cuddablekitkat ur 17 in university already?

not a nazi: my guy go to sleep

toe biter: also yeah shes 17 in uni

toe biter: I’m so proud of her 🥲

Catherine: i did too lol

cuddablekitkat: nah it’s bcuz my birthday is like really, really late

Catherine: oh

toe biter: also u didn’t do ur introduction last night

Catherine: ill do it when everyone is awake

not a nazi: really?

Catherine: yep

toe biter: @everyone

toe biter: @everyone

toe biter: @everyone

toe biter: @everyone

toe biter: @everyone

toe biter: @everyone

toe biter: @everyone

toe biter: @everyone

toe biter: @everyone

toe biter: @everyone

Catalina de Asshole: What is so important that you must wake me whilst I sleep?

cuddablekitkat: oh i dont mind i’ve been awake for hrs ^^

Jane: Why?

Jane: Also, Anne, you’re lucky I love you and you’re my cousin.

toe biter: cousin benefits

Jane: You’re sleeping on the couch tonight.

toe biter: hey u cant kick me out of my own room

Jane: I can and I will

not a nazi: anyway, @Catherine Parr its ur turn

Catherine: fine

Catherine: im Catherine Parr, im 27 years old, im a writer and i like reading, writing, and coffee

toe biter has changed one name to CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife

Catalina de Asshole: Accurate

cuddablekitkat: accurate :D

Jane: Accurate

not a nazi: accurate

toe biter: lol it is

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: oh my days

Chapter Text

Cousin Chaos Cause

5:34

Odysseus: kat i need u :)

Odysseus: or at least a favr

Odysseus: favor*

Telemachus: wsp anne?

Odysseus: come w/ me to the grocery store?

Odysseus: i need extra hands to carry butter

Telemachus: does my mind think what you’re thinking? :>

Odysseus: stairs?

Telemachus: stairs

Telemachus: alright let me get dressed

Telemachus: sweater weather is a mood

Odysseus: im at the car hurry upppp 😡😡😡

Telemachus: im going >:(

5:57

Odysseus: where tf did u go?

Telemachus: candy section

Odysseus: o ok

Odysseus: im at check oyt hurry up

Odysseus: why tf do you have three bags of twix?

Telemachus: to enjoy the show

Odysseus: VALID

Telemachus: ikr im so big brain

Odysseus: race you to the car!

Telemachus: no fair im carrying three bags worth of butter >:[

5:59

Odysseus: hiw tf did u still beat me?

Telemachus: magix

Odysseus: get in loser were going shopping

Telemachus: mean girls reference?

Odysseus: mean girls reference

Telemachus: also eyes on the road we are not crashing before doing this stunt

6:19

Odysseus: aight were home lemme sleep first and then we wait >:)

Telemachus: ill be studying ig :’[

Telemachus: exams suck

Odysseus: ill pop over to give u morl support

Odysseus: while sleeping

Telemachus: aw ty <3

Ppl I live w/ (Hell)

11:43

Catalina de Asshole: Ladies, care to explain the hallway and stairs?

Jane: Me and Catalina, came home to this madness?

not a nazi: i didnt do it

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: neither did I

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: there are more people in this house than us two, Lina

Catalina de Asshole: These children are going to be the death of me.

Incoming Call from Catalina de Asshole

“Katherine? Anne? Get downstairs you two.” Catalina’s voice crackled in the call. A snicker emitted before being shushed.

“Fine, care to explain why there is butter all over the hallways and stairs? And why is the basket covered in butter?”

A small ‘oh shit’ was screeched and the call abruptly ended. Catalina rolled her eyes in annoyance and sighed.

Ppl I live w/ (Hell)

11:46

Jane: Katherine Edmund Howard and Anne George Boleyn, get down here.

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: full names?

not a nazi: full name ayo?

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: what did those two do now?

Catalina de Asshole: Buttered the entire stairs and hallways. Flipped over the basket AND the couch. And somehow made a dent in Anne’s car.

not a nazi: oh shit lol

toe biter: it was cathy’s fault

cuddablekitkat: mhm

toe biter: goaded us into it

cuddablekitkat: it wasn’t our fault

toe biter: cathy convinced us to do it

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: bitches

cuddablekitkat: also dont use our full names it makes me and anne uncomfortable >:[

not a nazi: eddie is such a cool nickname 4 u tho

not a nazi: if thats ok?

Incoming Call from toe biter

“Hey.” Anne said, her tone guarded and wary. “You don’t have to agree to the nickname if you don’t like it.”

A soft voice spoke up. “No it’s fine, Anne.”

Anne frowned, she was not convinced at this statement. “You sure, Kit Kat? You can say no. He was a dick anyway.”

“No, it’s fine Anne. Don’t worry about me, please.”

“Alright, Katherine. Whatever you say.”

cuddablekitkat: yeah its ok

cuddablekitkat: just ignore the fact anne just texted me to do butter

cuddablekitkat: and then took all of cathy’s money to pay for the butter

toe biter: how coild you kit? the betrayal!

Catalina de Asshole: You two are grounded from shopping.

cuddablekitkat: you can’t ground us, we’re practically adults!

Catalina de Asshole: You and Anne are the children of the house, point proven.

toe biter: see, this is why ypur user is de asshole

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: ypur?

toe biter: shut up heather

cuddablekitkat: sorry heather

toe biter: look who’s with her, oh my gosh

cuddablekitkat: dang dang, diggity dang da da-dang

Catalina de Asshole: You two are still grounded.

toe biter: fucking lame

Jane: Anne, language.

Jane: Kat can see this

toe biter: shes 17!

cuddablekitkat: im seventeen!

Jane: seventeen is still a minor

cuddablekitkat: im capable of taking care of myself >:(

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: you don’t even know how to cook

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: last time you tried it with Anne, you burnt the ice cream

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: that specific act still never ceases to amaze and baffle me

cuddablekitkat: im just quirky like that <3

toe biter: plus, she can cook!

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: what, then?

toe biter: …

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: exactly

toe biter has muted one person

not a nazi: 👁️👄👁️

cuddablekitkat: oh wow

cuddablekitkat: thx Anne :D

Catalina de Asshole: What did I just witness?

not a nazi: an executipn

not a nazi: exrcution

not a nazi: ececution

not a nazi: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN

toe biter: my condolences Anna

toe biter: i cant relate

[cuddablekitkat has sent one photo]

toe biter: OK

not a nazi: ARE THOSE TYPOS I SEEEE????

toe biter: “After everything you’ve done,”

toe biter: “How will you sleep at night?”

cuddablekitkat: Next to my plushes and with music on.”

not a nazi: TRIDENT DROPPP WOOWOOOWOOW

Jane: Anne, please unmute Cathy.

toe biter: whyyyyy

Jane: Cathy ran into my room to tell you to unmute her.

Jane: She told me she’s going to break down your door if you don’t.

Jane: I heavily advise you to unmute her.

cuddablekitkat: O.o

toe biter has unmuted one person

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: thank you gremlin

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: now where was I?

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: oh yeah

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: @Catalina de Asshole I DO NOT ASSOCIATE WITH THESE CHILDREN @cuddablekitkat @toe biter

Chapter Text

13:51

Ppl I live w/ (Hell)

[not a nazi has sent one video]

not a nazi: look at these fucking idiots :’)

The video started with a finger covering the camera and a lively piano sound playing in the background. The camera is uncovered and a blurry scene of Anne and Katherine playing in the music room.

“Dear Evan Hansen, we’ve been way too out of touch.”

Anne rested her hand on the piano, leaning on it while Kat played.

“Things have been crazy and it sucks that we don’t talk that much.”

“I have to tell you that I think of you each night.”

Anne leaned more on her hand. The duo were completely unaware that Anne’s hand was slipping.

“I rub my-”

The green queen shot finger guns at the pianist, before her hand slipped off the piano. She staggered forward and face planted on the floor.

“That was intentional!” She laughed, breaking out of character.

Katherine lightly punched her arm, “That’s what you get for singing inappropriate content.”

“But it wasn’t even-”

“It’s close enough.”

They stared at each other before bursting into laughter.

“Let’s not do Sincerely Me then, if I face plant before specific, things.” Anne shoved the pianist’s arm lightly.

Katherine scrunched up her face in thought, before snapping her fingers and smiling. “Love In Paradise?”

“We don’t have trumpets.”

“Why would we need trumpets if we have a piano?”

Anne shrugged, “Fair enough, in three, two one!”

Katherine inhaled deeply before starting a slow tune. Her fingers gracefully floated on the keys, resting her mind in the music.

Then Anne started screeching.

“Old friend, it’s been ten years since I last saw you.”

Katherine refrained from laughing just there, her eyes fixated on the piano.

“Remember me, I am the infamous,”

“Odysseus!” The duo sang in unison.

“Oh-ohh.” Katherine added her voice as a chorus.

“Let’s see where you’ve been.” Anne’s voice crackled in voice crack during the last word. The two queens doubled over in laughter.

“Idiots,” Anna muttered before turning off the camera.

Ppl I live w/ (Hell)

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: when Kat and Anne said they liked theater, they did not mention THIS

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: WHAT IS THIS

not a nazi: it’s, it’s beautiful

toe biter: when was this?

not a nazi: uhhhh like a few days ago ig???

cuddablekitkat: o

13:53

Cousin Chaos Cause

Telemachus: wasn’t that the day when we spilled kool aid on the carpet?

Odysseus: karpet*

Telemachus: oh mb

Odysseus: yeah why?

Telemachus: zoom in on one of the corners in the video

Telemachus: we did that in the music room right?

Odysseus: OH SHIT UR RIGHT

Odysseus: the karpets still there 😨

Odysseus: is it still in the music room?

13:55

Odysseus: update: IT IS

Telemachus: MOVE IT THEN

Telemachus: BURN IT OR WTV

Odysseus: Katherine Howard, never in my life have I heard you utter the words “burn it.”

Odysseus: AND I AM ALL FOR IT

Telemachus: WOOOOOO

Odysseus: ill write the tombstone u write the speech or wtv

Telemachus: “Today, we are gathered here to mourn something. A tool, a great gift, an awesome thing. Sir Karpetus III, has left our realm in hopes of a better afterlife. It has been an honor to use you to wipe our feet on you. Sincerely, me.”

Odysseus: WOOOOO

Odysseus: howd you come up w/ that????

Telemachus: i had something similar to this

Telemachus: just tweaked a few words

Odysseus: I smell the ashes

Odysseus: the scent of burning sun cows fills my nostrils

Odysseus: “sehr lecker” as Anna would say it

Telemachus: stop channeling ur beta reader self

Odysseus: yeah, beta reader to UR FANFICS

Odysseus: i have the power to stop

Telemachus: BOOOOOO LETTING THE CHILD DO THE WORK

Telemachus: BOOOOO

13:58

Ppl I live w/ (Hell)

Catalina de Asshole: Anyone else smell something burning?

Jane: Oh, I thought it was just me.

not a nazi: yeah I smell it 2

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: thought it was just me lol

cuddablekitkat: lol I don’t smell it

toe biter: y’all’s nostrils are probably broken

toe biter: anyway me and Kat r gonna go out for icecreamm byeeeee

Cousin Chaos Cause

Odysseus: OH GOD THAT WAS CLOSE

Telemachus: evacuate to the ice cream shop, quickly!

23:41

Ppl I live w/ (Hell)

[not a nazi has sent one photo.]

not a nazi: I’m too tired for this bs

Chapter Text

14:27

Ppl I Live w/ (Hell)

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: we are all gathered here because of one fact

cuddablekitkat: that anne wants to admit she still doesn’t know how to use the toaster?

toe biter: hey!

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: no

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: wait anne you cant use the toaster?

toe biter: i can >:(

toe biter: kat just doesn’t know what shes talking about

not a nazi: tell that to the new toaster we had to buy

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: ANYWAY

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: anna and i have decided to make a pizza for jane and lina

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: bcuz they’ve never had any

cuddablekitkat: how have yall not eaten pizza before????

cuddablekitkat: its like one of italian delicacies

toe biter: my thoughts exactly

not a nazi: ALSO

not a nazi: anne will not be joining us

Catalina de Asshole: Are you sure?

not a nazi: yeah me and cathy picked a day where anne is busy

Jane: Busy doing what exactly?

cuddablekitkat: shooting range!

Catalina de Asshole: N O.

toe biter: awh cmon

toe biter: this time it wont be at the house

Catalina de Asshole: I do not need the children of the house being able to shoot guns.

cuddablekitkat: technically, im legally allowed at a shooting range with adult supervision

cuddablekitkat: and since anne is a legal adult on paper, we are both allowed

cuddablekitkat: on top of that, neither of us have gun permits, so we cant buy guns

toe biter: have i ever told you that you have a big brain?

toe biter: bcuz you do

cuddablekitkat: aw ty annie :]

toe biter: also now we have a reason to go

Catalina de Asshole: Fine.

Catalina de Asshole: But I better not see any firearms in the house, real or not.

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: ok! now that the kids are going somewhere else

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: anna and i are going to tescos for groceries

Jane: Alright, Lina and I are going out shopping.

Catalina de Asshole: That’s right, so I trust you both to run the house.

Catalina de Asshole: If Anne comes back before we do, make sure she doesn’t do anything rational.

14:39

Coffee ——-> Wine

Coffee: anna im done getting the wet ingredients

Wine: nice

Wine: i got the herbs and dough ingredients and whatever shit u use for pizza

Coffee: hurry up and get to the check out

Wine: ur the one paying why are you waiting for me?

Coffee: i don’t want to check out twice when i can just do it in one go

Wine: fair enough

Wine: im almost there!1!1

Coffee: are you running?

Wine: yes, this tesco is huge

Wine: also i just like running whenever i can

15:13

Wine: cathy would you pronounce it like herbs or erbs?

Coffee: anna you’re supposed to be making the dough

Wine: dough making is in progress

Wine: im just in the toilet in between the process

Wine: and answer the question goddammit

Coffee: erbs i guess?

Wine: N O

Wine: MY GUY WHAT IS WEONG WITH YOU????

Coffee: wrong*

Wine:stfu

Wine: WHY DO YOU SAY ERB

Wine: ITS HERB

Wine: HERB

Coffee: american english says otherwise

Wine: WERE IN THE UK IDIOT

Wine: NEWSFLASH, WE DONT PRONOUNCE IT LIKE THAT

Wine: what is ur obsession with all things american????

Coffee: the literature?

Wine: …

Wine: its stephen king isnt it?

Coffee: maybe?

Wine: 😐

TheGermanQueen has posted one poll on Twitter

Erbs: 50%

Herbs: 50%

15:15

Wine: WAS?

Wine: what the fuck

Coffee: i guess a lot of americans saw ur poll

Wine: when were done, im taking ur american books

Coffee: hey anna?

Wine: yes, erb sayer?

Coffee: remember how you said that the dough process was in the making?

Wine: yeah, and you better be done with the sauce

[Coffee has sent one photo]

Wine: oh shit

Coffee: what the hell happened here?

Wine: uh

Coffee: THERES FREAKING DOUGH EVERYWHERE

Wine: i didnt do it

Wine: i swear i put the mixer at autopilot

Coffee: …

Coffee: THERES NO AUTOPILOT

Coffee: YOU PUT IT AT 2 TIMES SPEED

Wine: OH SHIT

Coffee: WHERE ARE YOU??

Wine: I TOLD YOU THE TOILET

Coffee: which one, the big one or small one?

Wine:

Coffee: answer the question dammit

Wine: the big one

Coffee: oml

Coffee: thats across the house

Wine: its not that far

Coffee: EVERY SECOND COUNTS

Wine: cathy check the oven

Coffee: not after im done berating you

Wine: cathy check the oven now

Coffee: wait why are you texting after i told you to hurry up

Wine: JUST CHECK THE FUCKING OVEN RN

Coffee: oh

Coffee: oh no

Coffee: its kind of on fire?

Wine: what the FUCK did you put in there?

Coffee: i dunno

Coffee: a bit of grease ig?

Wine: why the fuck would you put grease in there

Wine: NVM THAT WE HAVE A GREASE FIRE

Coffee: THEN HURRY UP AND GET OVER

Coffee: WHAT DO I DO IN THIS CASE?

Wine: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE THE EXPERT

Coffee: IM POURING BAKING SODA

Wine: WHY

Wine: JUST WHY

Coffee: I CONSULTED REDDIT AND IT SAID TO POUR BAKING SODA

Coffee: GOOD NEWS IT WORKED

Coffee: BAD NEWS IT SMELLS LIKE ASHES AND FIRE AND THERES STILL DOUGH EVERYWHERE

Wine: annes car is outside

Wine: theyre fucking home

Coffee: why are we worried about kat and anne again?

Wine: cathy, when was the last time i complimented annes cooking?

Coffee: oh youre right

Coffee: WHY ARENT YOU OUT OF THE TOILET YET

Wine: I HAVE PRIORITIES

Coffee: HAVING A GREASE FIRE IS A BIGGER PRIORITY THAN THE TOILET

Wine: MB IM LACTOSE INTOLERANT

Coffee: NVM I DONT WANT TO KNOW

Coffee: SHUT UP AND HURRY UP

Wine: oh uh

Wine: we have a problem

15:20

Ppl I live w/ (Hell)

toe biter: hey lina???

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: anne no

toe biter: @Catalina de Asshole?

not a nazi: anne pls

not a nazi: om sorry for insulting ur cooking

toe biter: you wanna see smth cool?

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: ANNE PLEASE

Catalina de Asshole: What is it, Anne?

toe biter: good afternoon to u too ig

toe biter: but u wanna see smth cool?

Catalina de Asshole: Oh no.

not a nazi: cathy run

toe biter: rude

toe biter: im showing u anyway :p

[toe biter has sent one photo]

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: Our Father, who art in Heaven , hallowed be thy name

Jane: CATHERINE MAUD PARR AND ANNA AMALIA LA MARCK, EXPLAIN YOURSELVES.

cuddablekitkat: WOAH FULL NAMES

toe biter: would not want to be in the lime of fire rn

cuddablekitkat: heh, lime

Catalina de Asshole: Catherine, Anna.

Catalina de Asshole: What the FUCK were you thinking?

toe biter: WOAHHHHHHHHH

cuddablekitkat: ONE F BOMB DROP FROM LINA

toe biter: THIS IS A LEGENDARY MOMENT

cuddablekitkat: SCREENIE

Catalina de Asshole: I cannot BELIEVE that you two left the house like this.

Catalina de Asshole: I expected you two to be able to take care of yourselves.

Catalina de Asshole: Especially without Anne around in the house.

toe biter: hey! >:(

cuddablekitkat: anne, we both know both of us aren’t capable of taking care of ourselves

toe biter: mmm fair point ig

Catalina de Asshole: We are coming home immediately and we are talking about this.

Jane: I think I speak for both Lina and I.

Jane: You two are grounded, no exceptions.

cuddablekitkat: ORDER IN THE COURT

toe biter: CASE CLOSED

toe biter: CATHERINE PARR AND ANNA LA MARCK SENTENCED TO 2 WEEKS ON HOUSE ARREST

cuddablekitkat: JUDGES CATALINA AND JANE HAVE DECIDED

toe biter: are those two hiding?

cuddablekitkat: yep

Catalina de Asshole: Send me their location.

toe biter: HOLY SHIT

cuddablekitkat: at the house?

cuddablekitkat: also they bribed me with 20 pounds to not tell

Catalina de Asshole: I will allow both you and Anne to bring home a firearm.

Catalina de Asshole: Not a real one, of course.

cuddablekitkat: hiding in annas closet, check that one hidden corner covered by the boxes

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: ANNA RUN

not a nazi: FRICK YOU KIT I TRUSTED YOU

cuddablekitkat: just bribe me better :]

cuddablekitkat: dw i can buy us both ice cream as an apology!

Catalina de Asshole: There you are.

toe biter: coward

cuddablekitkat: ive been waiting, for this moment

toe biter: for the perfect time to strike

cuddablekitkat: when your homes so close and you reach your coast

toe biter: THATS when our paths collide

Jane: Kids, not the time

toe biter: fine

toe biter: but were not kids!

15:43

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: i feel bad now

Catalina de Asshole: You should be.

toe biter: why?

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: Jane and Lina went out to buy us both a gift.

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: a “thank you” for making them pizza

cuddablekitkat: O.o

not a nazi: im so sorry

Chapter Text

20:19

AngrySpanishDad —-> CalmerEnglishMum

AngrySpanishDad: Jane, I’m done with all the new replacements of furniture. Where are you?

CalmerEnglishMum: Why did we need to go here again?

AngrySpanishDad: Remember? The couch got flipped over and buttered. After a while, Anna jumped on it and it ripped.

CalmerEnglishMum: Oh, I forgot about that.

CalmerEnglishMum: Sorry!

AngrySpanishDad: Nothing to be sorry for! It’s just a simple question.

AngrySpanishDade: But seriously, where are you?

CalmerEnglishMum: Hm, there’s a lot of chandeliers and silky furniture here, so I’m assuming the more refined furniture?

AngrySpanishDad: Huh, I’ll go find you. There’s a lot of twists and turns so maybe rendezvous at the food court?

CalmerEnglishMum: I’ll try to find the food court then.

AngrySpanishDad: Alright then.

20:42

CalmerEnglishMum: I think I see a sign to the food court or something.

20:43

CalmerEnglishMum: Yep! That’s the food court, are you coming over?

AngrySpanishDad: I feel like I’m straying further away from the food court.

AngrySpanishDad: Is there like a map in the food court?

CalmerEnglishMum: There is one, hold up.

CalmerEnglishMum: It’s torn up, so I can’t give you exact directions.

CalmerEnglishMum: What section are you in?

20:51

AngrySpanishDad: I believe I’m in the lights area?

AngrySpanishDad: There is a lot of lights here.

CalmerEnglishMum: That's pretty far from the food court.

AngrySpanishDad: Oh joy.

CalmerEnglishMum: Lighten up, Lina! You can get there!

20:53

AngrySpanishDad: That was a bad pun.

CalmerEnglishMum: Speak for yourself, I think it was amazing.

AngrySpanishDad: I’m still pretty lost.

AngrySpanishDad: Where is the lights section near?

CalmerEnglishMum: The couch section, I believe.

AngrySpanishDad: One moment, there’s an employee here, I can ask them.

21:01

AngrySpanishDad: He just started attacking me!

CalmerEnglishMum: Are you ok, at least?

AngrySpanishDad: I’m fine, just shaken up.

CalmerEnglishMum: Ok, because I just left the food court to find you.

AngrySpanishDad: What? Why would you do that?

CalmerEnglishMum: Think about it, I took a photo of the torn up map. We’ll find each other faster if we both go to the same area.

CalmerEnglishMum: Said area is the play area, the one for the children.

AngrySpanishDad: We’ll have the high ground and see everything, that’s really smart.

AngrySpanishDad: Also, which direction would the play area be in, from the lights section.

21:09

CalmerEnglishMum: From where the light section starts, it’s on your left. From there, keep going until the play area.

AngrySpanishDad: Ok, good to know.

21:18

AngrySpanishDad: There’s another employee here, I’m going to try avoiding them.

CalmerEnglishMum: Make sure they don’t start whacking you. If they do, start hurling Spanish curses at them.

AngrySpanishDad: I’ll try, and try not to use your phone to play Cookie Run Kingdom as much.

AngrySpanishDad: Yes, I know the kids got you addicted, don’t bother hiding it.

AngrySpanishDad: But we need the battery to stay in contact.

21:31

CalmerEnglishMum: Is it just me or does the format change in every section?

AngrySpanishDad: Not just you, I feel like it too.

AngrySpanishDad: Which isn’t concerning at all.

CalmerEnglishMum: It gets more bland and repetitive, like it’s been copy-pasted over and over again.

AngrySpanishDad: How much longer would it take to get to the play area?

CalmerEnglishMum: Where are you?

AngrySpanishDad: The refined area,

CalmerEnglishMum: Oh my,

AngrySpanishDad: I know, it doesn’t make any sense.

CalmerEnglishMum: Could you try going to the food court to grab supplies? There’s no water anywhere and I’m feeling dehydrated.

AngrySpanishDad: Alright, stay safe.

21:56

CalmerEnglishMum: I've been going in circles for forever and I still don’t see the play area.

AngrySpanishDad: Same, I've got the supplies and everything, just need to find you.

AngrySpanishDad: And you know that map you were talking about?

CalmerEnglishMum: Yes? What about it?

AngrySpanishDad: There is no map, just paint splattered on where it used to be.

CalmerEnglishMum: Are you sure that’s paint?

AngrySpanishDad: I would rather not think about that.

CalmerEnglishMum: Gotta go, an employee spotted me and started sprinting towards me.

AngrySpanishDad: I strongly advise you to run.

AngrySpanishDad: Unless you like staying alive.

21:59

AngrySpanishDad: Jane, are you okay?

22:10

AngrySpanishDad: Jane, answer the phone.

22:12

AngrySpanishDad: Jane, you’re worrying me, pick up the phone.

22:49

AngrySpanishDad: I won’t be able to call and text as much due to the battery. But pick up the bloody phone.

23:11

CalmerEnglishMum: I’m fine, my phone died and I had to find an outlet to charge it.

CalmerEnglishMum: It’s at full battery so I won’t have to worry.

AngrySpanishDad: Are we still on with the idea of going to the play area?

CalmerEnglishMum: I hope so, I’m already there.

AngrySpanishDad: Also, how come your battery ran out?

CalmerEnglishMum:

AngrySpanishDad: Was it Cookie Run Kingdom?

CalmerEnglishMum: …No?

AngrySpanishDad: I’m taking you to rehab to battle your addictions.

AngrySpanishDad: And then scolding Kat and Anne for getting you addicted in the first place.

23:19

CalmerEnglishMum: Are you almost to the play area?

AngrySpanishDad: Almost, or at least I think so.

CalmerEnglishMum: Have you noticed there is no one else here except employees?

AngrySpanishDad: No, I've been trying to avoid the employees way too much to notice.

AngrySpanishDad: But that is also extremely concerning.

AngrySpanishDad: Maybe that means there’s a way out of here.

CalmerEnglishMum: You haven’t found an exit?

AngrySpanishDad: No, have you?

CalmerEnglishMum: I’ve been looking for one ever since I made it to the play area.

AngrySpanishDad: Add that to the list of things that are extremely concerning.

AngrySpanishDad: Could you try contacting the others?

CalmerEnglishMum: Yes, but it’s not going out.

CalmerEnglishMum: It seems there’s only service in this building.

AngrySpanishDad: Remind us to never come to IKEA ever again.

23:36

CalmerEnglishMum: I think I see you. Is that you?

AngrySpanishDad: What am I wearing?

CalmerEnglishMum: White shirt, gold cardigan, jeans, and a cape.

CalmerEnglishMum: Why are you wearing a cape?

AngrySpanishDad: It got cold, and my cardigan isn’t enough.

CalmerEnglishMum: Fair enough, but that means it is you.

AngrySpanishDad: I’m going to the highest point in the play area.

AngrySpanishDad: I also got water.

10:32

Ppl I Live w/ (Hell)

not a nazi: WE CAN CONTACT JANE AND LINA AGAIN

toe biter: OML FINALLY

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: @Catalina de Asshole @Jane Seymour WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS?

cuddablekitkat: WEVE BEEN WORRIED SICK

not a nazi: ANNE ACTUALLY BEHAVED HERSELF WHILE WE WERE SPAMMING YOU

toe biter: THIS IS TRUE AND VERIFIED BY ME I HAVE NO SHAME

Catalina de Asshole: We’re fine, we just got stuck in a store overnight.

cuddablekitkat: 👁️👄👁️

cuddablekitkat: which store is it again?

Jane: IKEA

toe biter: HOLY FUCK

Jane: Anne,

cuddablekitkat: NO SHES RIGHT

not a nazi: ARE YOU GUYS ALRIGHT?

not a nazi: LIKE WHERE TF ARE YOU GUYS?????

Catalina de Asshole: We’re staying at my friend Maria’s apartment for a bit, we’re both extremely sleep deprived to drive and her place was the closest.

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: care to elaborate why this is a big deal?

toe biter: mb I forgot how uncultured you were cathy

toe biter: there’s a channel called scp foundation which is basically a collection of anomalies

toe biter: scp 3008 was the ikea one

cuddablekitkat: which is when a person would get stuck in ikea foreverrrr with employees trying to murder you

not a nazi: the “infinite ikea” if you will

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: so lina and jane were in a YouTube anomaly?

cuddablekitkat: yes

Catalina de Asshole: Also Anne, you behaved while Jane and I were gone?

Catalina de Asshole: Nice to know you love me enough to care when I’m gone.

cuddablekitkat: anne just threw her phone

cuddablekitkat: this is fine ._.

cuddablekitkat: oh it cracked

not a nazi: lina stop flirting with anne before she burns the kitchen

Jane: Is your phone alright at least?

toe biter: i cxmt swe hakf ov mu pgine

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: oh dear lord

not a nazi: O.o

Jane: Do you need me to pay for it?

toe biter: np i csn pqy fie ir

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: the hell is she saying?

cuddablekitkat: im gonna be texting from kits phone -anne

cuddablekitkat: also are we not gonna be talking about how lina and jane got out -anne

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: we’re gonna be talking about how we’re ever going back to ikea

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: and GO TO SLEEP YOU TWO

Catalina de Asshole: We we’re, before you guys started spamming.

not a nazi: well then go back to sleep

Catalina de Asshole: Make sure Anne fixes her phone too.

Catalina de Asshole: Chances are her and Kat will try to do an IKEA challenge

cuddablekitkat: i can’t even be mad, we probably will -anne

Chapter Text

12:37

Ppl I live w/ (Hell)

toe biter: TODAYS THE DAY BTCHES

Jane: Anne,

toe biter: i technically didn’t say it

toe biter: but TODAY IS THE MOST LEGENDARY DAY

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: im confused

not a nazi: basically anne made a bet with my friend bessie

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: what was the bet?

not a nazi: if anne could get lina to flirt with her

not a nazi: really bad flirting but still in general

not a nazi: bessie would owe anne 20 pounds

toe biter: AND I WON LETS GOOO

Catalina de Asshole: I regret going to IKEA.

toe biter: i dont

toe biter: you flirted with me

toe biter: or at least tried to

toe biter: NOW I GET TWENTY FUCKING POUNDS LETS GOOOOOO

Jane: Anne, please stop using such crude language.

toe biter: sorry jane

toe biter: just super excited that i get TWENTY POUNDS LETS GO

toe biter: also when can i say fuck?

Jane: Anne…

toe biter: when can i say the eff word?

Jane: When Kitty here turns of legal age.

toe biter: ok thx <333

toe biter: anyway ANNA GET DRESSED WERE GOING TO BESSIES

cuddablekitkat: ooo can i go?

not a nazi: sure, but why???

cuddablekitkat: my cousin henry also lives at bessie’s

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: w h y

toe biter: henry’s dating bessies son

Catalina de Asshole: Who’s his son?

cuddablekitkat: also henry

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: thats not confusing at all

cuddablekitkat: dw his name is also fitzgerald so we either call him fitz or fizzy

toe biter: ive only heard kat call him fizzy tho

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: still confused

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: why would you go over to henry and henry again?

cuddablekitkat: k-pop demon hunters dropped and all three of us are going to rant about how hot the cast is

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: thats not weird at all

toe biter: i’m not judging lol

not a nazi: yeah

not a nazi: her bisexual ass has almost all of the cast on her hear me out list

toe biter: if you watched the movie you would know

Catalina de Asshole: Wait, so are you and Anne just going to Bessie’s for money?

not a nazi: yep

toe biter: we might also talk about work ig

toe biter: theatre and art gallery stuff ig

cuddablekitkat: this is why i’m staying upstairs instead of listening to yall

Catalina de Asshole: And are you absolutely sure Katherine is alright with her cousin and his boyfriend?

cuddablekitkat: hes anne approved, hes chill

cuddablekitkat: they both are anyway

Jane: Alright, just making sure.

toe biter: we’ll be fineeeeee

cuddablekitkat: i know it’s light you’ll finddd

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: no musical references this time

toe biter: jeez, what cup of coffee are you on?

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: i stopped counting after 5

not a nazi: thats not concerning at all

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: no, it shouldn’t

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: also ANNA STOP TEXTING UR DRIVING

13:01

QueenOfTheCastle ——-> BassistOnTheGo

QueenOfTheCastle: BESSIE OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR WERE HEREEE RARARARA

BassistOnTheGo: IM GOING WAIT YOUR IMPATIENT ASS OR SMTH IDK

QueenOfTheCastle: PLEASE CHILDREN 1 AND 2 HAS STARTED DUETING DRIVE

QueenOfTheCastle: ITS PAINING ME I CANT LISTEN TO THE TLT SOUNDTRACK

BassistOnTheGo: IM TELLING FITZ TO WATCH THE COOKING WAIT

QueenOfTheCastle: ANNES COMPLAINING AGOUT HER TWENTY POUNDS I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE

20:11

Ppl I live w/ (Hell)

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: so they’ve been out for a while

Catalina de Asshole: This isn’t concerning at all.

Jane: Should we call Bessie?

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: i mean they have anna with them

Catalina de Asshole: True, but Anna could contribute to their shenanigans.

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: depending on what their doing that is

Jane: Has Kat texted you at all?

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: briefly

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: just saying that they’re fine and is somewhere else without the blounts and henry

Catalina de Asshole: How long ago was this?

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife:

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: two hours ago?

Catalina de Asshole: That's too long.

Jane: Try calling the other two.

Jane: It’s strange how they haven’t said a word to us at all.

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: i wouldn’t say strange

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: what is strange is that kat has only texted me once

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: meaning anna and anne haven’t done anything yet

Catalina de Asshole: Wait, Katherine’s calling me right now.

Incoming call from cuddablekitkat

“Hey, uh, Lina? Could you pick us up right now? I can send you the address, I just need you to drive all three of us home.” Katherine’s voice crackled, commotion screaming in the background.

“Could you drive yourself?”

“You’re asking an inexperienced seventeen year old to drive two full grown adults?”

“Okay I see your point, would you mind telling me what Anne and Anna are doing? And if they’re still alive, of course.”

“Yeah, about that,”

Screams of laughter and a loud crash emitted from the background. Katherine yelped a little a the sudden noise.

“Please pick us up? I’m a little worried we might get kicked out. No, scratch that, I'm extremely worried.”

“Don’t worry, I’m going right now.”

“Alright, thank you.”

“You also might want to bring some water? And maybe red Mountain Dew?”

“What?”

Call ended.

Catalina de Asshole: Katherine just called me.

Jane: Is she okay?

Catalina de Asshole: She’s fine, she just needed me to pick them up.

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: thats fun, i’m definitely not concerned about what anne and anna are doing for dear kitty to call LINA to pick them up

Jane: Wait, you’re kind of right.

Jane: Why would Kat call Lina to pick them up instead of either of us?

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: knowing kit, it’s probably something controversial

Jane: What would be controversial in her eyes though?

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: dunno

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: maybe anne got herself arrested

Jane: That, would not be a great experience to have.

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: would be a funny one for blackmail tho

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: speaking of which, you still have that blackmail folder?

Jane: Yep!

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: perfect

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: i need that for my library card

Jane: What?

Jane: Elaborate for me, please.

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: anne stole my library card

Jane: Ah.

Jane: Classic Anne shenanigans.

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: preach

20:20

Ppl I live w/ (Hell)

cuddablekitkat: lina please hurry they’ve started quoting deh

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: isn’t she driving

cuddablekitkat: shoot my method won’t work

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: good for you ig

cuddablekitkat: NOT YOU TOO

cuddablekitkat: also when did lina leave?

Jane: Around 9-ish minutes or so.

Jane: Why?

cuddablekitkat: 2 more minutes of this torture

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: Kitty, dearly beloved

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: you’re being extremely vague about what is going on

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: could you PRETTY PLEASE TELL ME WHATS GOING ON NN

cuddablekitkat: oh about that

cuddablekitkat: i’ll let lina explain when she finally texts yall <3

Jane: Is it just me or is that concerning?

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: no, i feel it too

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: can we learn now????

20:25

cuddablekitkat: lina’s driving so sure or wtv

cuddablekitkat: anna anne henry and the blounts went to a bar

Jane: That sounds like the start of a good pun.

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: debatable

cuddablekitkat: now since henry and fitz is older than me, they were let in

cuddablekitkat: security just got threatened with a gun to let me in

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: does that work?

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: how are you guys not dead yet?

cuddablekitkat: they were extremely sleep deprived it worked ig

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: w h y

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: why go to a bar in general

cuddablekitkat: yk i really don’t know

cuddablekitkat: i think they were trying to see who could chug the most alcohol without dying

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: sometimes i question their sanity

Jane: Have you told Lina yet?

Jane: This is extremely concerning and something for you to tell her.

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: wait what about the blounts and your cousin?

Jane: Oh right! What happened to them?

cuddablekitkat: they left early

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: THEY LEFT EARLY WITHOUT YOU?

cuddablekitkat: no i stayed behind to watch anne and anna

cuddablekitkat: they offered to stay behind but i told them i have to watch anna and anne

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: so they left you alone in a bar with two extremely drunk idiots?

cuddablekitkat: i had my cards with me

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: there’s like a 50/50 chance that works

Jane: Yeah, I don’t think it was wise of those three to leave you alone.

Jane: That place can lead to extremely dangerous situations.

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: are you guys home yet?

cuddablekitkat: we’re in the driveway

cuddablekitkat: lina might commit homocide against these two

cuddablekitkat: but she’s letting them sleep off their hangover before she scolds them

Jane: I think she’ll do more than scold them.

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: murder them maybe

10:47

Rangers (get it?)

[Pink has sent one video]

Darkness enveloped the camera before being uncovered. It was tilted a little, like it was hidden behind a wall. Anne and Anna sat uncomfortably next to each other on the couch. They looked extremely fearful, to say the least. Catalina was pacing in front of them.

“So you mean to tell me, that you two deliberately decided to bring Katherine to a bar. And you say you forgot she was seventeen? How in our Lady’s name did you get her in then? While you two were wasting away, she was unsupervised in a BAR OF ALL PLACES?”

“You two are lucky you had two sober people watching over her. But the situation gets worse because THEY LEFT EARLY.”

“You two are THE most irresponsible, incompetent, and idiotic people I know. And I am taking your twenty pounds, Anne. This is unacceptable.”

The camera turned off as Catalina made her way upstairs.

Blue: yeah lina’s getting the belt

Blue: ggs to those two

Pink: i hear their screams of fear

Pink: anna’s deciding between leaving or not

Blue: i should feel bad for those two, but i don’t lol

Chapter Text

15:19

Ppl I live w/ (Hell)

Catalina de Asshole: Everyone, we have a problem.

toe biter: we should copyright the phrase

cuddablekitkat: i second that

Catalina de Asshole: The car broke down today, so Jane and I are going to the shop to get it fixed.

Jane: Anna is going out for work. So Cathy, you are in charge of the house.

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: wait bad idea

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: why are you and lina going out

Jane: We, aside from Anna, drive the most. We may be able to tell the mechanics what’s up with it.

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: stupid reason, come back please

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: please

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: i don’t wanna be with things 1&2

toe biter: wait whos number 1

cuddablekitkat: me obvs

toe biter: no me

toe biter: im the og

cuddablekitkat: nuh uh

toe biter: i dont make heathers references and compare them for everyday sentences

cuddablekitkat: i dont make hamilton references and compare them for everyday sentences

not a nazi: what about epic?

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: epic is common ground for them

cuddablekitkat: i still want number one

toe biter: no

toe biter: im getting number one

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: just do paper rock scissors

15:32

cuddablekitkat: WE KEEP GETTING TIED

toe biter: WEVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR FIVE MINS

cuddablekitkat: NO SIGN OF WINS AT ALL

not a nazi: do something else then?

toe biter: A DUEL

cuddablekitkat: YES

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: NO

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: NO PUT THE FIREARMS DOWN MFS

toe biter: FUCK NI

cuddablekitkat: OH BRING IT ON

toe biter: WELL SETTLE THIS WITH A OLD FASHOINED DUAL

cuddablekitkat: OUT ON THE TEN DUEL COMMANDMENTS

toe biter: YEAH

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: lina when are you going to be done

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: please i can’t take it anymore

15:35

toe biter: we keep missing eachother

cuddablekitkat: it’s not even funny at this point

cuddablekitkat: just take number one

cuddablekitkat: everyone knows the sequels are better anyway

toe biter: in what instance?

cuddablekitkat: httyd 2

toe biter: shit

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: anne, kit i love you but for the love of god just freaking stop

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: kat you get H.C

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: anne you get Lafayette

cuddablekitkat: that works for me

toe biter: seconded

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: thank you

17:38

Ppl I live w/ (Hell)

toe biter: we have a problem

toe biter: situation alert?

toe biter: @everyone?

cuddablekitkat: yeah please answer

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: i go to the toilet for a few minutes and you two are already texting

toe biter: si uh

not a nazi: si

toe biter: shut up heather

toe biter: anyway

toe biter: does anyone have moeny?

cuddablekitkat: like in hard cold cash?

toe biter: pounds, were british

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: we’re*

toe biter: cathy istg

Jane: What happened now?

Catalina de Asshole: Please don’t tell me you burnt down the house.

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: the house is still intact lina

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: but i did hear a thud

not a nazi: thud

cuddablekitkat: thid

toe biter: twig

not a nazi: wig

Catalina de Asshole: Besides the point, what happened?

toe biter: im just ajing if we have money is akl

not a nazi: cathy check what happened im scared

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: mhm im in the middle of writing smth

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: not after the thing 1&2 situation

not a nazi: kit can u check

cuddablekitkat: updating fanfic rn

toe biter: she is

toe biter: mhm

not a nazi: IM SCARED WHAT HAPPENED

not a nazi: @Jane Seymour please ask cathy to check

not a nazi: or someone at the house right now

Catalina de Asshole: The one time the car breaks down.

Catalina de Asshole: The one time.

Catalina de Asshole: We just can’t have a normal day without incident.

toe biter: it’s for the plot

cuddablekitkat: do it for the lore

not a nazi: CATHY PLEASE CHECK

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: fine i am

17:46

[CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife has sent one photo]

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: these btches be testing my patience

not a nazi: erm

not a nazi: WHY TF IS THERE A HOLE IN THE WALL

Catalina de Asshole: …

Catalina de Asshole: Where are they, exactly?

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: camping out in the attic

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: they scrambled there before i went upstairs

Catalina de Asshole: Ok good, the car is out of the shop now.

Catalina de Asshole: We’re going back home now.

toe biter: shit

Catalina de Asshole: Anne George Boleyn, you better explain to me how the hell there is a hole in the wall.

toe biter: over my dead fucking body

Catalina de Asshole: I will revoke your Netflix privileges so you can’t watch Freiren or Dan da Dan with Katherine.

cuddablekitkat: anne don’t do it

cuddablekitkat: we can survive a month without watching an episode

toe biter: no we can’t

cuddablekitkat: no we can’t

cuddablekitkat: do it we still need to finish episode 5

toe biter: so uh

toe biter: yk that sledgehammer we have in the garage?

toe biter: it was outside in one of the rooms

toe biter: and i had a duel with kitty here

cuddablekitkat: she saw a spider in the room and grabbed the nearest item to kill it

cuddablekitkat: as you can see

cuddablekitkat: this is the collateral damage

Catalina de Asshole: And how does this relate to you, Katherine?

cuddablekitkat: i snuck the spider in cuz i thought i’d be funny

toe biter: THAT WAS YOI????

not a nazi: cathy you had one job

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: mb guys i was high on coffee

cuddablekitkat: yeah that was me

cuddablekitkat: ur reaction was hilarious i git it on carmera

toe biter: i was scared shitless bro

toe biter: arachnophobia is no small thing

cuddablekitkat: where is jane in this

Catalina de Asshole: She’s driving.

cuddablekitkat: ah

toe biter: y her??..

Catalina de Asshole: So I know what punishment to do when we get home.

cuddablekitkat: oh no

toe biter: lina we can ta,d this out stop driving and shit

cuddablekitkat: lina please

toe biter: lina tell jane to stop dirgvong

toe biter: lina

toe biter: lina tell her to slow down

cuddablekitkat: we can talk about this in a calm and civil manner

cuddablekitkat: take it slow eh?

Catalina de Asshole: No, we’re in the driveway.

toe biter: FCK

toe biter: KIT RUN

cuddablekitkat: UR RIGHT NEXT TO ME WDYM RUN??

toe biter: IDK MAN JUST DO IT

cuddablekitkat: WHAT DOES TEXTING HAVE TO DO W/ RUNNI?????

not a nazi: i just heard lina running up the stairs

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: this is pure havoc

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: art if you will

not a nazi: fr tho

not a nazi: now they know how we felt during pizza night

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: whats pizza night?

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: never heard of it

not a nazi: all i hear are screams

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: those two are not escaping punishment this time

18:03

Jane: So we can all agree never to let those to stay home together, regardless if there is another person present.

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: i think theyre scarred for life

not a nazi: i think anne needs ice for her head

not a nazi: she conked her forehead on a pole while running

Jane: That does look like a nasty bruise.

Jane: I’ll go get ice for her.

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: btw what did u and lina do in the shop

Jane:

Jane: I played Cookie Run Kingdom.

Jane: Lina rewatched West Side Story.

not a nazi: why am i lowk not surprised

not a nazi: you two are obsessed

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: have you gone to rehab to battle your movie and game addictions?

Jane: I don’t think that’s necessary.

not a nazi: mhm

Jane: By the way, which wall did those two break?

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: uhhh

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: if we’re going by when you first enter the room, the fourth one

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: yk the one with the fancy paintings

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: why do you ask?

Jane: Nothing, it’s just a question.

Jane: As long as it isn’t the wall with the plants.

not a nazi: anne and kat just asked if they could use my netflix account

not a nazi: chat what should i do

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: obviously no

not a nazi: i feel bad for them tho

not a nazi: just in the slightest

not a nazi: linas making them do community service and other tasks to earn money

Jane: I suppose it is fitting to pay back for repairs.

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: anna no don’t do it

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: dont do it

Jane: I agree.

not a nazi: i didnt

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: thank you

not a nazi: are you expecting for me to say smth else?

not a nazi: cuz it aint happening

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: mhm

not a nazi: ok fine

not a nazi: i didnt <3

Jane: Good.

Chapter Text

2:31

Ppl I live w/ (Hell)

toe biter: if yall were to play/be a character from hamilton

toe biter: which one would yall be?

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: yall

not a nazi: GO TO SLEEEPPP!1!1!

toe biter: stfu

toe biter: also no

toe biter: hypocrite

toe biter: amswer the question

Catalina de Asshole: That’s not a half bad question.

Catalina de Asshole: I would probably be Angelica.

toe biter: seee???

toe biter: linas up at this hour

not a nazi: y?

Catalina de Asshole: I’d like to insult Alexander every now and then.

Catalina de Asshole: He was an asshole.

toe biter: lina sweared

toe biter: screenie

Catalina de Asshole: Plus I like singing her parts.

not a nazi: mm fair point

not a nazi: i could totally see u as angelica

toe biter: wait who would i be?

not a nazi: isnt it obvious????

toe biter: O

toe biter: OFC ITS THE FRENCHMAN

toe biter: MB GUYS I FIRGOT

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: forgot*

toe biter: stfu

toe biter: WAIT I GET TO BE BADASS IN GUNS AND SHIPS

not a nazi: YEAH UR RIGHT

not a nazi: Bamf!Anne

toe biter: i am the badass

toe biter: <3333

Catalina de Asshole: I can see Cathy as Alexander.

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: bcuz im an asshole?

toe biter: yes

Catalina de Asshole: No.

Catalina de Asshole: You barely sleep, you write more than you sleep, and you can be incredibly offensive to others.

not a nazi: like when you insulted the shit out of that one guy last month

toe biter: yh that was cool

toe biter: WAIT I WANNA BE JEFFERSON TOO

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: elaborate

toe biter: i getto blackmail cathy

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: …

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: mr vice president

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: wait

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: MADRINA YOU FREACING DISS ME IN CONGRADUKATIONS

not a nazi: mmm tpos

toe biter: help u cxnt spell typos

not a nazi: u can spell typos but not cant?

toe biter: yes, next question

toe biter: and yes, cathy gets cooked by her godmother

not a nazi: the fact that lina is cathys godmother never ceases to amaze me

Catalina de Asshole: Literally.

Catalina de Asshole: I was two when they made me her godmother.

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: if annes jefferson i get to insult on cb 1 and 2

toe biter: yh but i make u lose ur job

not a nazi: WAIT EWWWWW

not a nazi: EWWWW

not a nazi: LINAS GONNA BE PINING FOR HER GODDAUGHTER

toe biter: EW

toe biter: GAG

toe biter: GAG

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: i dont t like this game no more

Catalina de Asshole: I’m speechless.

not a nazi: lets say that doesnt exsist?

not a nazi: that shits just weird and freaky

toe biter: we are ignoring that and moving on

Jane: I think I would be Eliza.

not a nazi: woAh

not a nazi: hi jane!

toe biter: gay

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: yes

not a nazi: stfu

not a nazi: y u say youd be eliza???

Jane: I can relate to her, wanting my significant other to be safe and spend time with her family.

Jane: Her songs are really nice too.

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: anna how do you feel i got ur girl

not a nazi: CATHY ISTG

cuddablekitkat: i woke up one time to anna screaming janes name

cuddablekitkat: and its that kind

toe biter: HEH????

toe biter: I BEG UR PARDON???

Catalina de Asshole: What.

not a nazi: LIES AND SLANDER

not a nazi: THIS IS NOT TRUE

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: do they actually have sex with eachother?

not a nazi: NO

toe biter: yet

Jane: No we don’t.

Jane: Kitty’s just joking.

Catalina de Asshole: I hope so.

toe biter: anna would bottom

not a nazi: ANNE I SWEAR TO GOD I MIGHT STRANGLE YOU

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: mmm true

not a nazi: N O

Jane: Please stop bullying Anna.

Jane: She’s trying to get by.

toe biter: jane i love you but you cant admit that you havent that about that

not a nazi: WE ARE MOVING ON

not a nazi: WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT MY SEX LIFE

cuddablekitkat: its just a prank bro

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: *the prank*

not a nazi: ANYWHO

not a nazi: i would be mulligan

cuddablekitkat: y?

not a nazi: i am the true neutral

not a nazi: OH ID BE MADISON TOO

toe biter: y?

not a nazi: for fun

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: yk what, cool

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: we all do things for fun

cuddablekitkat: we also do things for big fun

toe biter: this is hamilton not heathers

toe biter: WAIT KAT WOILD TOTALLY BE BURR

Catalina de Asshole: Elaborate.

toe biter: shes patient

toe biter: surprisingly

toe biter: extremely unoriginal yet has amazing ideas

toe biter: when she snaps she snaps

toe biter: and HAVE YOU HEARD HER SING WAIT FOR IT AND THE ROOM WHERE IT HAPPENS?

toe biter: HER VOICE IS GORGEOUS

toe biter: I THOUGHT LESILIE ODOM JR WAS AT OUR HOUSE

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: this is confirmed

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: i heard it

Catalina de Asshole: Doesn’t that mean you get shot by her?

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: freak

Jane: Doesn’t that mean I hate Kitty for the rest of her life?

cuddablekitkat: shoot

not a nazi: bad joke bad joke

toe biter: anyway from what our characters our

toe biter: cathy is an orphaned immigrant traveling to america to make a difference

toe biter: she meets kit there and the two become friends

toe biter: kat buys cathy booze and anna, laurens and i pull up

toe biter: cathy sings a badass solo and then we roast marshmellows

toe biter: lina, jane and peggy go to the streets, kit flirts with lina

not a nazi: WAIT EW

Catalina de Asshole: This is a strange situation.

toe biter: cathy disses samuel, king george is yandere

toe biter: kat is denied a position, cathy rises up, cathy meets jane and the two get married

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: take a massive L anna

not a nazi: stfu

toe biter: were sadly skipping satisfied bcuz thats just weird,

toe biter: my fingers hurt someone take over :(

cuddablekitkat: cathy is denied a battalion, lee is a huge wuss, laurens, cathy, lee and I are involved in a duel

cuddablekitkat: cathy is discharged, anne is a bamf and tells washington to bring back cathy, washington tells cathy that history has it eyes on you

cuddablekitkat: cathy comes up with a plan for yorktown, king george is still yandere, cathy and i admire theodosia and philip, cathy works non stop and that sours her relationship with jane

cuddablekitkat: anne pulls up in virginia, anna and anne battle cathy, jane asks cathy to take a break, cathy cant say no, i get an epic song to sing and snap

toe biter: i guess anna IS the better choice if cathys gonna cheat

Jane: I leave no comment.

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: mb jane just go with anna

cuddablekitkat: cathy confronts me bcuz shes mad, cabinet battle numero dos, anna, anne, and i conspire, anne resigns, washington resigns, john addams pulls up but he sucks, and we know

toe biter: mr vice president

Catalina de Asshole: Mr. Madison.

not a nazi: Senator Burr

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: what is this?

not a nazi: wait guys jane can rap we know

not a nazi: im so proud of you jane

Jane: Awh, thank you!

toe biter: gay

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: yes

cuddablekitkat: cathy is a hurricane, the reynolds pamphlet, jane and lina get angry at cathy for cheating, which is justifiable.

not a nazi: true, cheating sucks

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: ur just mad i stole ur girl

not a nazi: i hate you

cuddablekitkat: philip shoots but misses his shot, he dies,

toe biter: lina cried at that

Catalina de Asshole: I can admit that.

cuddablekitkat: cathy and jane forgive eachother, anne and i run for president, cathy votes for anne, i am highly offended and then i shoot cathy, jane carries on cathy’s legacy with lina’s help. the end

not a nazi: *raucous applause*

Jane: It’s four AM at this point, please go to sleep.

5:05

toe biter: the alternate ending could be when anna and jane fuck

not a nazi: im shooting you

Jane: N O

Chapter Text

15:22

Ppl I Live w/ (Hell)

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: its high tide we go to the mall btches

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: @everyone LETS FREAKING GO NOW

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: CMON IVE BEEN WAITING SINCE FOREVER NOW LETS GO

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: LETS GO LETS GO LETS GO LETS GO LETS GO

toe biter: cant

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: w h a t

toe biter: i got work

not a nazi: u work?

not a nazi: i call bs

toe biter: yes a work

toe biter: how cxn u not tell?

not a nazi: ur grammar

toe biter: go kiss jane or smth

not a nazi: i will murder u

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: WERE STRAYING AWAY FROM THE POINT

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: MALL TIME BTCHES

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: EITHER WERE GOING OR NAH

cuddablekitkat: what happens if you eat yourself?

cuddablekitkat: would you grow twice as big, or disappear completely?

cuddablekitkat: what exactly IS disappearing in the first place?

cuddablekitkat: if its being non-existent, then would the idea be existent?

cuddablekitkat: then what would be the case if thats it?

not a nazi: w h a t

toe biter: my entire life has been questioned

toe biter: what is life?

Catalina de Asshole: No, no. We are not treading in the territory.

Catalina de Asshole: I’m taking you to church on Sunday.

cuddablekitkat: but sunday i have a meet with friends!1!1!

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: u have friends?

cuddablekitkat: 👁️👄👁️

toe biter: w h a t

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: SHIT IM SORRY

Jane: Catherine Maud Parr, apologize to her.

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: Katherine, I am deeply sorry for my actions. Take my apology please. I don’t want my mattress to be covered in sugar.

toe biter: i will do it

not a nazi: she will do it.

cuddablekitkat: :)

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: oh thank god

cuddablekitkat: wait can i go to the mall with u ????

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: absolutely

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: anyone else?

Jane: No.

Catalina de Asshole: No

not a nazi: nope

not a nazi: way too lazy to leave the household

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: ._.

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: fine

cuddablekitkat: im buying slushies for me myself and i

cuddablekitkat: no further questions blease

toe biter:

toe biter: blease

cuddablekitkat: did i stutter

not a nazi: W H E E Z E

cuddablekitkat: im in the car cathy

cuddablekitkat: hurry up i want slushies

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: im going holy

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: u can wait for it

toe biter:

not a nazi: CATHY N O

toe biter: LIFE DOESNT DISCRIMINATE

toe biter: BETWEEN THE SINNERS AND THE SAINTS

toe biter: IT TAKES AND IT TAKES AND IT TAKES

not a nazi: im blocking u

toe biter: noooo

toe biter: jane help me out :((

Jane: Please don’t spam this chat.

not a nazi: wot u doing anyway :]

toe biter: simp

Jane: Cookie Run Kingdom

Jane: I managed to get at least three ancients now.

Jane: Two Beast Cookies

Jane: And so many legendaries.

Catalina de Asshole: I’m taking all three of you to church and rehab.

Catalina de Asshole: I’m concerned for all of you now.

15:28

cuddablekitkat: here i thought in my short life that anne was the worst driver

cuddablekitkat: i question my very existence in this plane of reality.

cuddablekitkat: what purpose was i made for?

not a nazi: what happened?

cuddablekitkat: cathys a terrible driver

cuddablekitkat: like terrible as not even funny and i feel like to hurl

toe biter: i am not that bad of a drover

toe biter: druver

toe biter: drker

Catalina de Asshole: Are you drunk at work?

cuddablekitkat: no shes just this bad at spelling

toe biter: am nit

toe biter: not*

cuddablekitkat: see?

Jane: Anne is typically bad at spelling.

Catalina de Asshole: Oh that must be deep.

not a nazi: Pop OFF JANE

15:29

cuddablekitkat: Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for our sinners, now and at theb hour of our death, Amen.

cuddablekitkat: PLEASE GET ME OUT OF THIS CAR

cuddablekitkat: IM SCARED WERE GOING TO HIT SMTH

not a nazi: send proof of death or its not confirmed

toe biter: cathy dont kill muy clusin please

Catalina de Asshole: Are you sure you’re not drunk?

toe biter: i dimt get durnk at work

Catalina de Asshole: I’m driving to your work place.

Catalina de Asshole: I don’t believe you aren't drunk.

toe biter: nooooppp

cuddablekitkat: WE JUST HIT A CONE

cuddablekitkat: MOM COME PICK ME UP IM SCARED

not a nazi: shes quoting mean girls

not a nazi: cathy what have u done

Jane: Are you, like, ok?

Jane: Do I need to drive you instead?

15:31

cuddablekitkat: no im fine we made it to the mall

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: i a, not that bad of a driver

not a nazi: I CALL BS

Jane: Kitty says otherwise.

toe biter: linas car smells like spring fresh

Jane: Isn’t it April Fresh?

toe biter: no

toe biter: the flavors spring fresh

not a nazi: w h y

toe biter: how do you know what a month smells like???

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: maybe the scent is just based off the season

toe biter:

not a nazi:

toe biter: exactly

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: wait n o

16:01

cuddablekitkat: theres this man

toe biter: is he just a man?

cuddablekitkat: no hes making me uncomfortable

Jane: Give me the address, region, and other related information and I’ll be right over.

not a nazi: pop OFF JANE

not a nazi: WOOOOOO

not a nazi: but whats he doing??

cuddablekitkat: keeps staring/pointing at me

cuddablekitkat: thimk i heard him saym the r slur

cuddablekitkat: one of his friends keep whistling tho

toe biter: jane im coming w/ u

Catalina de Asshole: Can confirm, I’m also coming.

cuddablekitkat: cathy COME BACK PLZZZZZZ

cuddablekitkat: SCREW THE PRETZELS

toe biter: whip out ur deck if anything happens

toe biter: then send proof

not a nazi: we can watch that on sad days

toe biter: yes

Catalina de Asshole: What exactly is her deck?

toe biter: youll see ;)

Jane: I’m frightened.

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: im coming dw kat

CoffeeIsLoveCoffeeIsLife: i got our pretzels then we can dip

16:31

[cuddablekitkat has sent one video.]

not a nazi: HOLY SHIT

Jane: Anna,

not a nazi: HOLY

not a nazi: FUCKING

not a nazi: SHIT

Catalina de Asshole: Is that what her deck is?

toe biter: yes

Catalina de Asshole: A bunch of cards?

Catalina de Asshole: How’d you get him to bleed that much?

cuddablekitkat: I have refined and snipped the edges of the cards to the point where if I throw it at someone it bleeds.

Catalina de Asshole: Have I said I’ll take you to church?

Catalina de Asshole: Because I will, for another Sunday.

toe biter: lets go cathy POP OFF AT THAT GUY

toe biter: WHOOO

toe biter: GET PUNCHED MOTHERTRUCKER

Jane: Why are your cards all aces?

cuddablekitkat: so i can throw my sexuality at them

not a nazi: IM SO PROUD OF U

not a nazi: WERE GETTING SLUSHIES

not a nazi: ALL OF US

toe biter: but ur paying

toe biter: roght?

toe biter: unless you want me to tell your big secret??? 😏😏😏😏

not a nazi has blocked toe biter