Chapter Text
It seems like this is it, this is hell… all alone… I’ve seen others' graduation parties where friends are invited… that won’t happen with me; hell, I probably won’t even live to see one.
Even though I'm just a junior, I think it’s the end for me. So why not rewind a bit to the start of my end…
The eighth grade, what people didn’t predict is after 2 years of the pandemic and online school is that a shit ton of self reflection either make you a better person, realize that you’re queer, or makes you alternative; I got ⅔ of those, and let me tell you I’m a stereotypical fuck-up.
Around summer break, my mom moved us to a new school. I didn't think of anything bad at the time; the first half wasn’t bad. I made all new friends on the first day, and everything was great. They were only in my life at that point, so I don’t feel like mentioning the details of that short-lived friendship.
I then met the two people who might have been the cause of the end of me, Wilbur and Awesamdude, who goes by Sam. I wonder what would happen if my Social Studies class wasn’t temporarily moved to another room, would all be well? I think so, or would that just stall the inevitable? The way my most certain ‘death’ happened was how I caught their eyes, through interests.
It was costume day. I dressed up as Nagito from Danganronpa (who knew Danganronpa would be my demise) and sat at a table. Next thing I knew, I got tapped on the shoulder, and then it all started. I met Sam and Wilbur and got Wilbur’s number, even though I was hoping for Sam’s, the only reason being he looked cool, like, on the first day of school, he wore fake horns, which I considered the coolest thing at the time. They invited me to their lunch table the next day, which started rolling the tiny snowball of hell I would experience. I got introduced to Tubbo, Sapnap, Boomer, and HannahxxRose… I could talk about Tubbo a lot after the first time we met. he liked South Park, this was his first year at this school, used to have a bowl cut, but he was also dyslexic. I also learned more about the other’s, Sam had a Homestuck phase, Wilbur’s dad works as a Science teacher in the High School, I already know about Sapnap since he’s my older brother’s friend, Boomer was pro-vaping while Hannah was anti-vaping, it was interesting as hell… until it wasn’t.
The first red flag should have been that all of them got called down to the office for ‘behavior that makes others fear their safety or others safety’ I brushed it off, I was only 13, do you expect me to pull the best option out of my ass? I wasn’t pulled from class luckily, but I feared I was going to… even though I had nothing to hide. Did I have issues before meeting them, were my new friends really what fucked me up or was my life being destroyed already written in stone?
After a few weeks, I noticed a pattern with the others: they would get the same food, sit down, and give it all to Sam. Currently, I know that is an eating disorder cul- could I call it a cult? If it’s not a cult, then what is it? That’s not the point, I currently know that was an eating disorder ‘cult’, but at the time… I didn’t, and my stupid 13-year-old brain did something I still scream at to this day… I followed what they did, no questions asked… god, I was so fucking stupid… and I still am, at the time I didn’t even have the motive to do that shit, I just saw what they were doing and decided to do it to… if I could go back in time, I would scream at myself why, why did you thing this is a good idea? I would also question why I would be a walking example of monkey see, monkey do, and not only with the starving yourself thing.
The only person who didn’t follow this trend was Tubbo, he was also the first person to leave the friend group. At the time of Tubbo leaving, I followed him like a dog, I was… well, he was my best friend. Sapnap followed suit, we sat at my old table together, I don’t know if I felt happy from being with Tubbo or from being with my new and old friends.
Tubbo and I communicated outside of school too, we would call and stay up all night, complaining about who bothered us; his being his dad, whom he only referred to as Schlatt, and mine being Dream, my brother. Tubbo’s life was sad; Schlatt was an alcoholic who had to have his sister (whom Tubbo mentions so much that I’ve gotten into the habit of calling her Aunt Puffy) take care of him. One day, on one of our late-night calls, he said something to this day, still makes me have a rush of random happy chemicals race through me. I can’t do this moment justice by just saying what he said, you need to know all the details. I was talking with Tubbo while sorting through my closet to see what to keep and what to toss, when suddenly a question that changed everything and stopped me in my quest to persuade my mom that I need more shirts, because I don’t want my old ones. “Are you free on Friday, Tommy…” Tubbo blurted out, I looked at the FaceTime call, his face was red and so was mine, “You don’t have to, Tommy, I-“ “Yeah, I’m free Friday.” I tried to keep my composure as I was obviously failing. “Quick question Tubbo… are you saying as a date or just as homies… because I’m okay with both,” I’ve somehow made Tubbo’s face even redder, “as a date”.
It went amazingly, we didn’t tell anyone about us deciding to date. It was going amazing, until shit hit the fan.
“Isn’t Wilbur and the others also your friends, Go sit with them.” Sapnaps' words seemed bitter then and still now.
Everything stopped at that moment. “…” I didn’t say anything, I just got up, walked to their table, and sat down. When I left their table, I started eating lunch again, but now I’m back at their table, and back in the stupid routine again. I don’t know Tubbo’s reaction to Sapnap telling me to essentially fuck off, but he didn’t try to get me back… at the time, I was near Sam, Wilbur, Hannah, and Boomer 24/7 now, the group that I’m sure is an ED cult.
Aside from the whole cult thing, other shit happened. This happened more at the start of the friendship but it was common for my friends to take the plastic knives, and harm ourselves, we were 13… we didn’t know how to cope properly, and I didn’t know what not to follow and what to follow, especially since I started taking plastic knives too, this situation probably making the snowball I mentioned earlier start to escellerate.
During what would be known as a day that will stay in my mind until I die, we dropped our stuff off at art class and then the others went to the bathroom, I didn’t know what was happening until I walked in and saw shit that you would expect in a high school at least, not a god damn middle school, Boomer was vaping, Sam was smoking weed, and Wilbur was smoking cigarettes (the three horsemen of school bathrooms), I was stunned a bit and walked to where Hannah was. That turned into our daily routine. I wish I could say those were the only drugs I saw people do, after school, all five of us would hang out. One day, we were at Boomer’s house. We were playing Minecraft until Sam pulled out some blue pills and started dispersing them around. “Tom, want some?” “What are they?” “adderall”. Sam handed me one to try; it didn’t seem to work, but then it started to work after 30 minutes. My body felt more focused and I felt more human than I was before… “holy shit…” I said out loud with no stress, after that I asked Sam when we could do it again so much, to the point he just gave me his dealer's number. Looking back I should’ve left the friend group as soon as I caught them smoking, in school of all places… but compared to what my house was like, with all the fights my brother got in with my mother and the mental abuse Dream gave me ever since I could remember (even though my mom tells me I didn’t talk because Dream did all the talking for me and the times he hunted the people who bullied me down, he was still a dick), doing potentially life ruining things with my only friends felt justified.
The school year ended as quickly as it came, and we had fun signing each other’s yearbooks. Sam didn’t have a yearbook so he had us sign his tits, I would judge him… but I did sign his tits, so I’m one to talk. At the time, I learn what I considered at the time ‘hell’, turned out Boomer was a grade below me, I would have to leave him behind in high school. And as the summer ends, a new chapter of hell begins.