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Chapter Text

After doing so many rehearsals with so many people from different backgrounds, I realized that feelings are unpredictable. I worked very hard into making every rehearsal as believable as possible, taking into consideration every turn of events that could happen. Positive, negative and neutral outcomes. But there was something that I didn’t take into account: how the people involved felt towards each other, towards their surroundings and towards the situation in focus. Most of the time, the people who asked for the rehearsals didn’t disclose enough or critical information that could possible have an impact on solving the problem. They overlooked past events that perhaps could clash with the rehearsed responses that were proposed, or they chose to ignore certain things in favor not to overcomplicate the process. But the process was complicated, and I wish they understood that nothing was one hundred percent set in stone. Even if the rehearsal went on perfectly, the real life meeting could be a disaster. It didn’t stop me from trying.

I’ve had people bail on rehearsals before. I’ve had people doing something completely different that we had rehearsed, all based in feelings. Even after analyzing the situation from every angle possible, and choosing the outcome that would most likely work or at least cause less damage, the feelings were always in the way. Feelings are valid of course, but everything should be handled with some logic. I wouldn’t consider any of the rehearsals I conducted failures, even the ones that didn’t go through for one reason or another. But they made me think. They made me think about my own feelings and how they also interfere in my life from time to time. The time I spent with Adam, my fake child, was one of these situations. I always end up participating in some rehearsals as a character and that was one of them. The problem was that I got attached to that kid. I’m not a father still, but those feelings lingered. My rehearsal was never really deep into true fatherhood: how to handle finances with a kid, how to handle school, friendships and relationships, both with the kid and with myself as well, if being a married man was the best scenario. And even with that flawed concept of being a father, I still felt at times that I was bonded to that kid. It made the experience believable, but I wouldn’t say I got what I needed from it. I had to talk to the kid and explain that we weren’t daddy and son, and his feelings were also hurt. There was no way around it: feelings were the variant I couldn’t control. Which brings me to the issue I need to solve this time.

I have been told I’m too robotic, a bit weird. I never saw myself as such. Even being told that many times, I never had a problem meeting women. I had long lasting relationships before, and I was married once. Of course I was questioned by my parents and my family about having a wife and kids. It didn’t work before, and I don’t know if it’s ever going to work. Raising my fake child made me understand that if I were ever to be a father, I would prefer that I had the mother by my side. Angela and I didn’t see eye to eye when we were raising the kid, and it wasn’t healthy to raise a child with such conflicting beliefs, even if the experience was a simulation. I’m now in a place to figure out what I want to do from now on. I’m in my forties, so although it’s been more than ten years since I got divorced, I still have time to look for a partner. I will not consider children, because my rehearsal with Adam told me everything I wanted to know. I’m aware that contract marriages existed and still exist in some places, but a forced relationship is not my goal. In all of these years being into the dating scene, I always wondered if my relationships were love, not just mutual respect. I’ve heard of the concept of love before, this strong feeling that could surpass any difficulty. And I wanted to know if finding “true love” would finally result in a long lasting relationship.

So I had a plan.

“How did your marriage last so long?”

Nathan still had the fake bar from the first season of the Rehearsal. He would move it around, sometimes he would open it to the public in some way to promote the show. It was fun to see a blend of people that just came in without knowing who he was, and very excited fans. He was willing to take a picture with them, but always posting as his awkward self. It’s wasn’t really a friend gathering, but a social experiment, like all of his stunts were. To prepare for the extensive research he was about to conduct, he contacted a couple that had been together for long, and one he knew very well: his parents. They came to the fake bar in a calm day and sat on a booth with their son. Nathan had his cameras ready, and they talked about their relationship a bit. He felt like he could capture something worthy to put on the show.

“Well…” said the mom, “we love each other.”

“How did you find out?”, Nathan had pen and paper on his hands, and it looked silly that he was taking notes about it.

“How did we find what out?”, asked the dad.

“That you were in love?”, he kept writing.

“Oh…” the mom giggled, “I think it was when we met for the first time.”

Nathan looked up, “what did you feel?”

“Son…” said the dad, “it’s not like we can explain it… it just happens.”

“You felt that before,” said the mom, “you had a wife.”

It was funny to remember it was all over in a way. Some people say that if a marriage ever ends it’s because love was never present to begin with. But Nathan knew deep inside that loving someone didn’t mean that their goals and their lives would be perfectly aligned. That saying about letting go of the person you love made sense because people were complex. They weren’t black and white, but they came in different shades of grey. That didn’t stop Nathan from trying to find out if there was a form of love so powerful that could last forever. He had to give in and agree that if true love was never letting go of a person, he never felt true love before. It stung because he genuinely believed that he had loved at some points in his life. He would never go on full Mr. Spock and say love was illogical, but it was sure hard to explain.

“I… well yeah,” said Nathan, “but your relationship lasted and mine didn’t.”

“It’s a matter of perspective,” said the dad, “sometimes your missing piece didn’t really fit you.”

The analogy of the “missing piece” and “the other half” always sounded so silly to Nathan. Can’t a person be complete and fulfilled on their own? It wasn’t really about not finding a partner, it sounded like codependency. Someone who was independent and emotionally mature would handle a relationship better than someone who only defined themselves by a relationship. Nathan kind of stared at his parents as they talked about how “two become one” and realized that it wasn’t really about being dependent on one another, but to have someone to go back home to in the end. Although the conversation was productive, there was something to considerate. His parents got married around fifty years ago. Clearly, till death do us part was still very common and marriage until death wasn’t just recommended, but enforced. It could not be the case, but some people were still married because they held Abrahamic beliefs that divorcing is a sin, even if the marriage was unhappy.

“So, compatibility is obviously something important in a relationship,” Nathan began, shaking the pen in between his index and middle fingers, looking at the paper, “but what else is?”

“Faithfulness,” his mom nodded. Nathan looked up at her, as her statement sparkles some more ideas.

“I could never forgive your father if he ever cheated on me.”

It was a good reason. People cheated all the time, there were some movies, songs and tv series encouraging it, and some condemning it. But why did it happen? Why did people cheat? It was seen as something reprehensible by most of the population, but it kept happening. Even when being considered a sin, and something unforgivable most of the time, every person knew someone who did it. I decided to search on social media for points for and against cheating and I found that some people justified it by claiming they needed their sexual needs met, and feelings were not involved. The people against it generally argued that if you love someone, you don’t cheat, and you can’t blame urges for your lack of self control. There were many solutions presented for the issue: hooking up, or getting into a non-monogamous relationship, and breaking up not to damage your partner emotionally any further. During this research, I found a middle aged man who exposed his cheating wife online and I decided to ask him what he felt about about his now ex wife, and why it managed to shatter their union. He agreed to come to the bar and answer some questions.

Nathan shook the man’s hand and they chose a booth to sit. He was white and middle aged, fifty, perhaps sixty years old. He was balding and he was a bit overweight, but he looked good overall, except for the fact he looked emotionally drained. It was something that could be seen in his physical form, it looked like he hadn’t got a good night of sleep in weeks, at best. They had a quick banter with Nathan talking a bit about the bar and how he got it build, to make the man comfortable to talk about the recent events. Nathan saw how much his separation had taken a toll on him.

“My name is Leo,” said the man, sighing, “I was married to Nancy for thirty-five years. High school sweethearts. We married after college.”

Nathan observed the man while taking notes once again. He barely looked at Nathan, mostly because he was reminiscing the moments he had together with his ex wife, and it was a long marriage. He looked at nowhere, but the emotions he felt were clear as day all over his face.

“I’m a real estate agent. I have some stocks invested here and there. Money was only tight for like the first six years of our marriage. We hadn’t have problems with money ever since,” Nathan nodded, and the man continued.

“I always heard from my friends that Nancy didn’t really seem to like me. I was head over heels for her, and I’m like that still,” Leo sighed, “but they never thought she matched my energy.”

“I gave her everything that she wanted. Jewelry, purses, shoes, cars. I did my best just to make her smile. She has a beautiful smile,” he was about to cry, but held himself together.

Nathan remained silent and concentrated, and the man went on, “we have two kids together, both in college right now… and she threw it all away.”

“What did she do?” Nathan asked in almost a whisper, trying to encourage him to go on.

“She started to talk about working out a lot,” Leo said, now looking Nathan in the eyes, which made the situation even sadder, “saying that she was getting old and unattractive, which was an outright lie… she’s gorgeous.”

The man paused and rubbed his temples, “so she wanted me to hire a personal trainer and I did, because I wanted to see her happy… it was a guy who’s like twenty-five.”

“My friends said that it was suspicious, and I was a bit jealous, but it seemed like it was the only thing that made her happy lately, so I caved in and went with it.”

“So the guy…”

“I caught him balls deep into my wife in the room that I had recently converted into a gym… the gym that she said she wanted. The guy immediately jumped and covered himself, and she didn’t even seem phased. She just… stared at me with dead eyes.”

“The divorce was finalized a week ago. I haven’t been with her in a year.”

“Why did you decide to post your story?”

Leo shook his head, his pained voice felt like it was struggling to get out of him, “I don’t know… maybe I wanted her to see it and to see how she destroyed me. I have no one to talk to. I’m alone.”

Nathan didn’t know what to say. It was a very weird situation to be in. Leo started crying and Nathan’s mouth stood agape as he collected his thoughts. There was a middle aged woman out there who hurt this man to the point he was crying to a stranger about her infidelity.

“I just want people not to make the mistakes that I made,” said the man, wiping his tears.

“What mistakes do you think were made?”

“I think that putting another man in my house was one of them,” said Leo, “and I should have divorced her sooner.”

His tone had changed from loving to angry. Nathan understood why, but it was a bit scary, even for him. Nathan decided to offer Leo something to drink and to hang out at the bar any time he wanted to. They ended up awkwardly hugging, and Nathan guessed that he was perhaps the first person who had really talked to Leo about the break up, and the first person he had vented to. After the man was gone, Nathan started to think about his wife. Could he ever reach Nancy? He wanted to hear her side of the story too. By the way Leo talked, he did everything for her, to make her happy and she still cheated. What would be her reasoning instead of just breaking everything up?

I tried and tried to reach Nancy, searching for her married surname online, but I found nothing. So I hired a private investigator to find the personal trainer who she had an affair with, and not to my surprise, it appeared that they were still together. I was given an address and decided to go there myself. I knew that there was a chance that she would reject an interview, so I decided to talk to the personal trainer instead, asking how much it costed to hire him, and at what time he was available. He lived in a nice apartment in Los Angeles, and as his website and socials noted, he had trained very wealthy celebrities before. I wasn’t interested in his part of the story, because he wasn’t the one who cheated in a committed relationship. I called him and we met at his house, and he hadn’t the faintest idea of what I really wanted with that meeting.

“That’s a bit expensive for me,” said Nathan, “but I think I’ll do it.”

“Great. I still have a spot available on Thursday in the afternoon. Is that alright with you?”

“It is, indeed.”

The personal trainer was named Rick. He was a very athletic, muscular type, brown hair, blue eyes. He was all dressed in gym clothes, perhaps he had a client to attend to soon. He seemed very charismatic and charming, perhaps because he was selling a product. Nathan would never want to achieve his build, even though he did work out regularly. As they talked, Nancy came into the living room, and said hello. Leo was right: she was stunning. Blonde hair, blue eyes. She appeared to be in her late forties, early fifties. She was dressed in pastel colors, and she had a red purse that seemed to be expensive. Her hair was glowing, her nails done, a big contrast to her sweaty, miserable ex. Nathan was a bit enthralled by her. Rick gave her a kiss on the cheek.

“Just wait a minute,” Rick said to Nathan, as he went to another room, “I need you to sign a form before we can go on. I’ll be right back.”

Nathan took that opportunity to introduce himself to Nancy.

“Hi, I’m Nathan,” he got up and shook her hand.

“Nancy,” said the woman. She smelled delicious.

“That’s a beautiful purse you have there.”

She smiled and playfully rolled her eyes, “thanks, it’s the only thing my ex gave to me that I still kept.”

“Oh, I see,” Nathan nodded, “for a good reason, I suppose.”

“I got really attached to it. I sold everything else.”

“Oh, okay…” Nathan kept poking her to see if she would tell him about the break up, “and why is that?”

“Because he was a horrible person who trapped me into a marriage I didn’t want,” said Nancy, and the same dread that Nathan saw in Leo’s eyes was there in her face too.

She sighed, “he made me have kids I didn’t want, and he never showed me any kind of kindness… his idea of love was me satisfying his needs and smiling to his disgusting friends.”

As with Leo, Nathan was surprised by her honesty. In no moment, the man ever said anything about conflicts he had caused.

“He was a jealous, controlling freak. He didn’t let me work, he didn’t let me get a job. He caught me with Rick and told it to everybody online. He’s mad because I found someone who truly loves me, like he never did. I sold everything he gave me, and I started a new life.”

“Do you regret cheating on him?”

“Would you regret giving back the hatred you’ve suffered for years?” Nancy said, nonchalantly. She didn’t seem sad, but she seemed pissed. Not pissed at Nathan, but pissed at being mistreated for years.

Nathan left with more questions than answers. Cheating was a reprehensible thing, but Nancy didn’t seem to regret her decision. He couldn’t judge her, because according to her, Leo trapped her home, as the trophy wife she never wanted to be. It was clear she didn’t divorce him for financial reasons. He felt sorry for her, and concluded it was a good decision to hear the story. The funny thing was that he left before Rick could make him sign the form, which in retrospect looked a bit suspicious, but he already had what he wanted, even though he hadn’t filmed it. He did manage to voice record it, and there was a way to use it for the show… if his lawyers permitted it.

After my meeting with Nancy, I realized that there was no way I could go on without trying to find someone. I had to be invested in a relationship for my opinions to hold any weight. I thought about the other times I had to do this, and they didn’t seem to work very well. It was perhaps the most difficult part to me, the human interaction and inserting myself into the equation. It would be tough but I had to try.

I needed to go out on dates again.

Chapter Text

“Susan.”

“Lydia.”

“Diane.”

“Martha.”

“Tina.”

I figured trying the old approach to dating, which is meeting someone casually and asking them out, would take a lot of the time that could be dedicated to further research, so I had to recur to dating apps. Unfortunately, there was a chance that some of these women could recognize me from television, since I am a comedian. I’m not against dating people who have previously watched my work and know me as a public figure, but I decided that I should go on with my social skills alone. I’ve been told that sometimes I come out as cold and detached, so I rehearsed previously with an actress, and she even gave me tips on how to make women a bit more comfortable and open to conversation. I used my own picture not to catfish anyone further than necessary, but with a different name. I narrowed them down only by age, thirty to forty, and I tried to see at least two a day. I even rehearsed how to end things if I didn’t like the date. The goal was to see if any of these dates could end up in a potential relationship. I tried to present myself as nicely as possible, wearing a dress shirt and nice pants. I figured all of the spontaneity of the date would be lost, so instead of recording their faces, I only would voice record the encounters, just like I did with Nancy. The legality of it was murky, but I needed to analyze the interactions.

Nathan used his “Lizard Lounge” as the place to meet his dates, and he also asked if they knew of the place, to exclude anyone who had watched his show. He hired actors to fill up the bar and to make it functional. Production kept track of all the actors and their roles, to make sure everybody knew it was part of the show. Nathan had two dates every day for five days. It was a bit mentally draining, but he didn’t really have time to lose. He had a script planned, but even with a list of topics, he tried to make the dates as natural as possible: he asked them how they were, complimented their looks, asked about their life, work, what they liked, if they wanted to eat, if they wanted to split the bill. In the end, he asked every single one of them if they wanted to meet again in the future. All of them said yes, even though some hesitated a bit. He had actors recording and asking them about the date afterwards as well, bumping into them, or just talking to them casually while still inside the bar. He would take all of his findings home and listen to them over the weekend.

During the last day of the social experiment, Nathan was exhausted. He had scheduled the last two dates to be during the afternoon, because he wanted to go home as soon as possible. The last one was pleasant enough, but it stretched into the night. One by one, the actors left, and only some people from production remained. He let a tired sigh while preparing to leave, but someone came in. There was no security to stop people from coming, and a woman wandered in. She was wearing jeans, a pink blouse and a jacket, LA could be very cold at night. She looked around smiling, then looked back at Nathan. She smiled and waved at him, and he recognized that kind of smile. It was a fan, and a fan was the last person he wanted to meet at that moment.

“Nathan? Nathan Fielder?”

Nathan didn’t have a pleasant expression on his face. He looked tired and a bit annoyed, but the woman seemed very happy to meet him, so he tried to fix his face as much as possible. He sitting at a table, his leftovers had already been taken away, and the table was clean. She really walked in as he was about to leave. Now he had to entertain her for God knew how long. He hoped that she would just do the usual: tell him how much of a fan she is, and ask for a selfie. She approached and sat in the chair facing him. He sighed, and she didn’t seem to take the hint. Her eyes were sparkling, and he felt a bit sorry for her. If she knew how much he didn’t want to be there, she would be disappointed for sure.

“I never knew that Nate’s Lizard Lounge was a real functioning place,” she giggled, “nice to meet you.”

He nodded, “yeah, we did open it once to promote season one, and now I’m using…”

“Oh, is it another rehearsal?”, she asked, with a smile. Damn, she clocked it right away.

“More of a tangent… I’m trying to find about… alcohol and inhibition,” he lied.

“I see,” she gestured, “like it makes people act a bit more unrestrained?”

“Exactly,” he nodded and smiled, because it seemed like she was eating up the bullshit excuse.

“Listen, I know you hear this a lot, but The Rehearsal means everything to me,” she said.

Nathan noticed that she didn’t really look at him in the eyes, but at the bridge of his nose. She was tapping the table slightly with her fingers as she talked. Her accent was different as well. He started to pay more attention to her body language and her voice. She had long dark brown curly hair, brown eyes, full lips. She smelled sweet, it was delicious. She was of an ethnicity he couldn't place, light skinned, perhaps mixed. He stared at her as she talked, being careful to pay attention to his words instead of just her.

“I’m autistic, so the concept of going over and over again over talking points is very common to me,” she nodded, her eyes would alternate between staring at his forehead and the table.

Nathan remembered he talked about autism in a tangent during the second season, while trying to bring into light that pilots and co-pilots didn’t communicate in an efficient way, and that caused a big number of plane crashes. He was looking around for the perception people had about himself and found that a lot of autistic people related to his content. It made him feel special, as people don’t take comedians seriously. He got some praise from autistic fans here and there, but it mostly online, since he was introverted and after every premiere or interview, he would go straight home to his cats. It was the first time someone ever sat with him like that to discuss it. His annoyance was replaced by genuine curiosity, as she kept talking.

“People usually see all of that preparation as abnormal, so it was good that you gave some space to it,” she nodded.

“Oh, that’s great,” Nathan smiled, “I’m glad you feel represented.”

“And planes,” she said, “I love planes too. I loved the second season.”

He nodded slowly, and something clicked. The woman finally noticed he was tired.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” she said, eyes widening, “I’m holding you up…”

“Oh no, it’s fine uh…” he said.

“What is it?”

“Your name… you didn’t tell me your name.”

“Oh,” she seemed frustrated with herself, “I’m very sorry. It’s Maria Júlia.”

“I… uh… Maria…” he squinted, because she had a different accent and he didn’t understand her second name.

“Oh… oh, Julia,” she repeated, now in an americanized way, “like the Charli xcx song, you know…?”, she shrugged, laughing, “just call me Julia.”

“Well, you’re not from here, are you?”

“I’m from Brazil,” she said, happily, “I’ve been working here for a year now.”

“Oh, beautiful country,” Nathan said, “I flew a 737 there once.”

“I miss it. I miss the food,” said Julia, “but it’s nice to work here too.”

“I plan to come back one day…”

“How hard it is to fly a plane that big?”, her eyes were sparkling, and he didn’t mind that she interrupted him.

“It’s a bit harder than I anticipated,” he was honest, “but it was fulfilling to learn in the end.”

“I always wanted to work in a plane, you know,” she said, “not as a pilot, but at least as a flight attendant.”

“What’s stopping you?”

She shrugged, and she looked a bit sad for the first time since they started talking, “my mom is very paranoid about planes, she says I would end up dying in a crash or something.”

“I mean, crashes happen, but they are very rare compared to the number of commercial planes that fly every day.”

She nodded, “yeah, I know that, but try telling that to her.”

“I think you should try and find a job in aviation since you love it so much. Your mom should understand it means a lot to you.”

“Yeah, I should… but I also promised her I wouldn’t. At least I get to fly around once in a while, when I visit her.”

Julia paused and sighed.

“Anyway, nice to meet you. I know I’m holding you up, and I’m so sorry.”

“No… no need to apologize, it’s okay,” Nathan smiled kindly at her, who looked a bit less happy.

“Thanks for being so kind. I would ask for a selfie, but my battery ran out. Bad luck I guess.”

“I’ll take one with you,” he said, “and I’ll send you via text if you want.”

“Oh, you don’t know how much it means to me.”

She got up and walked awkwardly to his side as he got up himself and took his phone out of his back pocket. Nathan wasn’t really a fan of selfies, but he took them sometimes when a fan approached and asked nicely. This was probably the first time he was going out of his way to take a selfie with someone using his own phone. She was tall, but she was a bit shorter than him. She stood right in front of him, her hair smelled amazing. They didn’t hug, as he usually didn’t and she didn’t ask as well. Either way, they were very close. Both smiled the classic closed mouth smile, which was funny because anyone who saw the picture would tell right away they were a bit uncomfortable with the proximity. He took her number. She thanked him profusely.

Before she went home, Nathan spoke.

“How old are you?” he asked.

“Hm, oh. I’m thirty,” Julia replied. She waved and left.

Nathan came back home and decided to sleep, instead of listening to the voice memos he had recorded during the week. He had Saturday and Sunday to do it. Fuck, being sociable was tiring.

-

After getting a good night of sleep, Nathan listened to snippets of the dates and the opinion of the women he took on a date afterwards. He tried to find a pattern.

Date #2 - Clara

Occupation: Nurse

Age: 35

Status: Single, no children

N: So, what do you do?

C: Oh, I’m a nurse. It’s tiring but rewarding as well. And you?

N: Business consultant. It’s a good job, but mentally draining.

C: Do you plan to have kids?

N: Well, I’d love to. I’m not so certain about it though. Work takes a lot of my time.

C: Well, you have a good income I suppose. You shouldn’t wait that much to have kids. Life goes by pretty fast.

N: It’s true. Are you hungry? Do you want to eat something? I could order us a pizza.

C: Yeah, I would love to.

Date #2 - Clara

Actor’s recording

A: I see you were talking to that guy over there. You seem a bit frustrated. Was he a date or…?

C: Yeah. [pause] He was my date, but I didn’t like him.

A: How so?

C: It seemed like he didn’t want to be there, you know? [loud sigh] And everything he did was so mechanical. [short pause] It was like he was going through a list of things to say. He wasn’t sure he wanted kids and he’s already forty-two. I don’t really want to be with a man who doesn’t know what he wants. I don’t think I want a second date.

Date #4 - Samantha

Occupation: Lawyer

Age: 32

Status: Divorced, no children

N: You look wonderful.

S: Thank you very much [slurp], you look very handsome as well.

N: Thank you. [pause]

S: What do you do?

N: I’m a writer.

S: Oh, [chewing] what do you write?

N: I [chewing] I’m writing a book, [pause] and I write some comedy sketches as well.

S: Would you consider it a stable job?

N: Yeah, most of the time. I just wish pay would be higher.

S: Sure, [pause] people don’t take art seriously.

Date #4 - Samantha

Actor’s recording

A: That guy there?

S: Yup.

A: What was the problem?

S: He’s a writer [scoffs]. He’s kinda cute but a goddamn writer? [slurp] I want to have kids, and I’m not having kids with a writer.

A: He could get a big break, couldn’t he?

S: Yeah, but I won’t be sitting here and waiting for that. I don’t want to give all of my income to raise the kids just because my husband has a shitty job as a writer and can’t afford the bills.

A: What about him? His personality?

S: He’s like a robot. Not really attractive if you ask me.

Date #9 - Martha

Occupation: Teacher

Age: 40

Status: Divorced, two children (aged 18 and 20)

N: How is your relationship with your kids?

M: I’m glad they’re in college. They’re at that age [chuckle] that I can’t deal with them anymore.

N: [chuckle] What is so bad about them?

M: I mean, [pause] they don’t listen to me, they just want to party and neglect responsibilities. Typical teenager stuff.

N: I see. [pause]

M: Do you plan to have kids? I don’t want more, and I’m not even at the age to have more.

N: Kids are optional to me now, [pause] but I’d love to meet your sons.

M: Oh, you’ll regret instantly. [chuckle]

Date #9 - Martha

Actor’s recording

M: God, that guy.

A: What’s wrong about him?

M: Well, [pause] I saw his picture and I didn’t like the hair, he looks way older than my ex ever did.

A: The graying hair?

M: Yes. It looks so sloppy. [pause] He was dressed pretty nicely, but if I were him, I would dye that hair. It isn’t attractive at all. It makes him look so old.

A: But he is fine, isn’t he? Besides the hair.

M: Not really. He has no charisma at all. It felt like I was talking to an empty chair.

A: So, no second date?

M: No.

It were always the same complaints: too cold, too mechanical, too robotic, too artificial. Nathan really tried his best, but it seemed like it never worked out. They were clearly looking for someone assertive and he wasn’t that person. He didn’t really mind the digs at his appearance, because everybody has their preferences. The pattern ended up being himself, he was the failed part of the equation. He wasn’t completely honest with them as well, he lied about his job, and he didn’t disclose that he was somewhat famous. It didn’t matter in the end, because none of them wanted to pursue him further. He listened to all of the ten recordings, and some were a bit harsher than others. Some women did list the positives, like asking if they’re okay and if they wanted to eat, and paying for half or all of the food. None of them mentioned him being impolite or rude, but just detached. He closed his laptop to the meows of his faithful companions, Rocket and Jackie. They wanted to eat. As he fed them, Nathan thought about the stereotypical “childless cat lady” and how it wasn’t bad as people thought. Being alone with your thoughts was a luxury most of the time. He couldn’t deny that the result of the dates was a bit frustrating, though.

He went through his phone to see if he could start all over again, and he saw the selfie he had taken with Julia on Friday. He had forgotten that he had to send her the picture, and she had no way to contact him. She was very happy that day, and she probably was still waiting for him to send that picture. It was silly of him not to send it right away, but he was tired and he wanted to go home, so she of course understood why.  He took that opportunity to text her.

Julia?

It’s Nathan.

That’s my number. 9:25 am

Oh hi!

I thought you would never answer.

Maybe I dreamed that I met you. 9:27am

Sorry for taking that long. I was very tired.

File.jpg

Here’s the selfie. 9:28am

Thank you so much!

It was an honor to meet you, really. 9:30am

He stared at the phone. She was the only one who had clicked with him. She came into the bar late, and she wasn’t a date, but they had a pleasant conversation. Nothing from the script was followed, it was just a nice engaging conversation. He had briefly considered her for research, by asking her age as she was leaving the bar. He quickly discarded the option, because she knew he was famous and she had watched his work. He had set it as a condition, as it could alter the perception of the women about him. After listening to the recordings, he started to have second thoughts. Could their first meeting at the bar count as a date? And if so, asking her out via text like he wanted to do would be a follow up? He felt nervous for the first time in years, which also led him to question what he wanted. He also hadn’t felt the need to contact any of the women he had gone out with. For a minute, it seems like he was taking everybody’s preference into consideration, but not his. That motivated him to go forward. It would be silly not to do it.

Hey,

I haven’t flown in a while, and I’m planning to do it soon. 9:50am

I know you like planes, so do you want to go with me?

I’ll rent a single-engine plane. 9:52am

After a while, Julia started typing. Seeing the dots made Nathan nervous.

…

…

…

Sure. 9:53am

Chapter Text

“Summit Ice jacket.”

Nathan took some days, but he managed to rent a Cessna to go out with Julia. As he did all of it, he started to think about how exaggerated all of it was. People usually went out for coffee or lunch, a movie, the museum, but not on a plane ride. He wondered if he probably just panicked and offered the first thing he could, as he didn’t know her well. The love for planes was mentioned in the brief conversation they had, and somehow, that became engraved into his mind. What if taking her to the mall was enough? He was too shy to back down at that point, and she already said she would do it, so it was fine. He kept telling himself it was fine, which also made him realize he was really nervous again. Dates didn’t make him nervous, just mildly uncomfortable because of the social interaction, but now, there was a chance that something could go wrong with the plane. He sighed and tried not to think of it. He dressed up casually as he usually did, gray t-shirt, jacket, jeans boots, and a pair of sunglasses. He took his backpack and left to the airport a bit earlier to see if everything was okay. He wondered if he should have rehearsed… all of it. But when she appeared, it didn’t matter.

They met at the terminal, she approached him while he was distracted. She didn’t say hi, instead noting that he was wearing a Summit Ice jacket. He looked at her and chuckled. They were dressed almost identically, perhaps for practicality. She was wearing a blue t-shirt and a brown jacket, jeans and a pair of black Converse sneakers. She came wearing sunglasses as well, as it was morning. That day was a bit cold, but none of them minded that. Their interaction had the potential to be awkward, but just wasn’t. They walked to where the plane was and he noticed she was smiling all the way while looking at it. Her curly hair blowing with the wind was a beautiful sight to see. She tried to keep it under control, but it was windy. She took a hair tie and put it up in a ponytail.

“Oh, it’s a Cessna!”

“First time?”, he smiled looking at her, as she looked at the plane.

She nodded, “I only flew in commercial airplanes before. That’s so cool.”

He helped her to get in, before getting in himself. Both put their backpacks on the backseats of the plane. She sat by his side. He took his sunglasses off.

“I’m gonna sit here,” she said, as she sat and fastened her seatbelt, “and pretend I’m your co-pilot.”

He didn’t answer, and she kept talking, “I can’t eat here, right? Can I?”

Julia was distracted and didn’t notice that Nathan had already fastened his seatbelt and was checking if everything was alright. He had to turn off his mind of her for a bit, as he put his headset on and talked to air traffic control. When she realized, he was already announcing takeoff, and she put her hand over her mouth. She watched as he seemed to get confirmation. He was laser focused, and she decided to look away not to distract him any further. The silence that followed became somewhat uncomfortable, even after being cut by the plane engine making noise. He was probably too busy to ask her to stop, or maybe irritated that she was talking so loud next to him. She looked at the runway as the plane accelerated further, and soon, they were floating in the air. She was still too tense to say anything, and they remained silent. Nathan could feel the tension and he was the one who broke the silence.

“I’m sorry,” Nathan said, still looking at the runway, “I needed to be concentrated.”

“It’s okay,” she said, “I thought you were mad.”

He shook his head, still not looking at her, “no, I wasn’t, I’m sorry.”

She smelled delicious. It wasn’t really about her being distracting during takeoff. It was more about her being there at all. He felt like Captain Sully when he had a woman on the cockpit for the first time. He barely looked at her in the beginning, and that perhaps made her feel uneasy. He didn’t have the heart to tell her to stop talking, and that’s why he didn’t say anything. He looked back at her, and she was looking to the outside world. Without turning around, she spoke after a short pause.

“I like the way you say “sorry.””

“Hm?”

“The way you say sorry. Saw-ry,” she repeated, which made him smile.

“Are you making fun of my accent?”, he asked, looking back at her for a second, his smile showing he wasn’t offended.

She giggled, now looking back at him, “no, it’s lovely.”

“I like your accent too,” he stated.

“Thank you,” she nodded, “I’m glad you called me on my day off. I don’t know what I would say to my boss about this. Can’t lie to him.”

He was looking straight ahead again, “what do you do?”

“Social media manager for Team Coco.”

Nathan raised his eyebrows and looked back at her, which made her chuckle, “you work for Conan?”

She nodded comically, “yes, in Larchmont.”

She touched his shoulder, giving it a light tap, “I would love to see you on the podcast one day.”

“Oh… yeah,” said Nathan, “one day, perhaps.”

“Bley told me he loved The Rehearsal, so I’m pretty sure he would be excited to see you too. Conan has always been a big fan of your work.”

“Yeah… hm,” Nathan sighed.

“I saw you on his show and that’s how I started to watch Nathan For You as well,” Julia said, “I can talk to Conan and see if we can book it… if you want. I know you’re busy and stuff.”

The plane was stable enough and in the right altitude to turn on the autopilot, so Nathan did that. It was a good time to look at her.

“Well, I just… I don’t know… I don’t think that the…” he started gesticulating with his hands, it would be easier to talk if she wasn’t so pretty.

Julia looked at Nathan as he talked and tried to explain his absence from Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend. He was so handsome. The way he spoke and expressed himself was so attractive. His hair was turning gray, which she always knew as she watched him on TV, a decade earlier. It was way grayer than it was before though, and it suited him like a glove. He had a nasal but soothing voice, and she also noticed he had shaved. He had some stubble when they met for the first time, but now he was clean shaven. Not that it made him better looking or not, just an indication of how long she stared at him. He had such a beautiful face. His lips were so kissable. His presence was overwhelming and distracting in a quiet way. He had some sort of charm that it couldn’t be explained, only felt. She didn’t notice she had a big smile in her face while he was talking.

“I think that the lack of video would impact the comedic performance,” he stated, after stuttering a bit.

“You know Conan’s podcast has video too, don’t you?”, she leaned a bit in his direction, chuckling.

“Oh,” he sighed, half smiling, “in this case, that would be great.”

They were very close, their knees were touching. They had flown around for a while, and Julia took close attention to the landscape of Los Angeles and neighboring cities underneath them. She didn’t ask him, but it must have been so powerful being able to fly over the common people, living their lives. To have the skill and knowledge to do something most people couldn’t. He had apparently taken the controls again, to make a turn. They didn’t go anywhere specific, and he was going to land in the same runway they had departed from. He communicated the move and his position to air traffic control with the precision of a grandfather clock, and it was something so attractive to witness. He took some time to learn, but damn, he was a professional at it. He had big hands and long fingers, and she was so entranced on his moves. He turned very smoothly, and soon, the plane stabilized again. He sighed and went silent, probably listening to instructions of the air traffic controller. She was unconsciously leaning in his direction, and he was looking straight ahead. She had tried not to stare, but it was impossible. He noticed he was staring too much and turned the autopilot on again as soon as he could.

She had lovely eyes. Big, lovely, brown eyes. She had her sunglasses on the top of her head, and she blinked slowly. His eyes alternated between her eyes and her lips, and he knew what was happening next.

“How long?”, she whispered, as the gap between them closed.

“Hm?”

“To land,” she started breathing heavily, “how long?”

“Fifteen minutes,” he whispered back. At that point he could feel her breathing against his face.

It was the funniest thing, that kiss. I couldn’t explain why, it just happened. She was too close and I was too close, because our bodies were asking for each other. And then, renting a Cessna and taking Julia out made sense to me. My subconscious probably knew I wanted that kiss. I was exactly where I wanted to be.

Nathan’s big hands touched Julia’s face, bringing her closer. She touched the back of his neck and brushed her lips against his. The kiss was slow, and satisfying, so satisfying in fact that both of them momentarily forgot they were in a moving plane. She sucked his bottom lip, which made him sigh. His tongue slowly, but surely reached for hers, and both kissed until they were out of breath. Nathan broke the kiss when he needed to gasp for air, and even after that, they still remained too close to each other.

“You have a plane to fly, don’t you?”, she whispered to him, as he was distracted by all of her.

His brown eyes widened and he immediately turned his attention to the route he was taking, which made her laugh out loud. It seemed like he was out for ten minutes, but in reality, it was less than two. He let out a sigh of relief as he realized everything was still under control and giggled as she was still laughing, thinking his desperation was really funny. She started bouncing lightly on her seat and moving her shoulders and Nathan took a quick look at her and frowned comically, before concentrating on his job again. He had no idea what that meant.

Revvin' up your engine

Listen to her howlin' roar

Metal under tension

Beggin' you to touch and go

Highway to the danger zone

Ride into the danger zone

He started to laugh and he shouldn’t have done that, but he joined in to her singing. He knew that air traffic control wouldn't hear it, but it was dangerous to do it, as he had to be alert about everything around them. To hell with that.

Highway to the danger zone

Gonna take it right into the danger zone

Highway to the danger zone

Ride into the danger zone

“You know you can’t sing in the cockpit, don’t you?”, he chuckled.

“Well, I only have this life.”

She didn’t sing the entire song, as it would be distracting, and Nathan made his approach to the runway a few minutes after that. They kept the conversation to a minimum, because honestly, they didn’t know what to say. The tension was still there, even though they had already kissed and they couldn’t have a lot of contact, he was still flying a plane after all. They managed to land safely, and she clapped slightly when they did.

“Oh, that was so nice. Let’s take a pic, I want to show mom.”

They unfastened their seatbelts and leaned against each other. She hugged his waist and he did the same, this picture being way different from the way they were positioned some days prior. They felt more comfortable and the smile looked more genuine. Nathan was the one who took it, in selfie mode. After he did, Julia spoke.

“Oh, God,” she looked down, smiling and scratching her cheek slightly.

“What is it?”, Nathan said, as he took off his headset.

“I just realized we’re on a date.”

He raised his eyebrows, “just now?”

She shook her head playfully, “well, after the kiss.”

“Was it a good date?”

“Absolutely,” she nodded, her staring getting less focused.

“Do you want to have lunch?”, he asked as he reached for his backpack, “I’m hungry.”

“Yeah, I was about to say that too,” Julia did the same thing, “we can go somewhere around here.”

-

Julia suggested that they went to a Starbucks, to see if someone would recognize Nathan and he thought it was a hilarious idea. She ordered for him, just to be sure no one would notice he was there. He was wearing sunglasses and being his awkward self in LA, but it seemed no one in that particular location knew or cared about it. They ate, and he was tired, but he still drove her home, like the gentleman that he was. She grabbed his face with her two soft, small hands and gave him a little smooch. It wasn’t a long ride, and she was out of his car after thirty minutes, but… her smell lingered in the air, all over his car seat, his clothes. The smell of her hair, her skin. He thought about her all the way home. He was greeted by Rocket and Jackie as soon as he opened the door to his apartment, and one thing kept bothering him. He hadn’t been with anyone in a while, and he wasn’t sure about what he was feeling at that exact moment. He had been waiting for that date for days, which he never looked forward to before he met her. When he had dates, he usually wouldn’t mind them much, putting up reminders on his phone about them, even before the app dates he had the past week. Something was definitely different.

He sat in front of his laptop and started to analyze logically everything that happened that morning, what had worked and what had not. He had made a list of the negative traits that were brought up the most by his ten other dates: passiveness, coldness, lack of charisma and social skills. It was something weird to do so soon, and because he didn’t really have an opinion directly from Julia, apart from her saying it was a good date. The problem was that his dates all said the same, and every single one of them confessed behind his back that they didn’t want to see him again. He concluded that since he didn’t kiss anyone else, Julia was telling the truth. The fact she knew him also probably made the interaction way easier, which was something to consider. He wondered if he should run an experiment that focused on dating women who knew him for his comedy, but the truth was that he didn’t feel like going to dates with anyone else.

There was another variable he didn’t take into account until that moment: Julia was autistic. He wasn’t sure if any of his dates had disorders, and none of them disclosed anything. She did have a noticeable trait, her eye contact was flimsy, except for the moment that they kissed. He didn’t pay attention to any kind of stimming in particular, and he didn’t ask about a special interest, which he would probably do when they met again. He started to think that what he lacked in social interaction didn’t matter to her, because she probably had the same impairments. He made a mental note to try and notice more of her in that aspect.

All of that just made Nathan realize how much he wanted to see her again. He enjoyed her company. They mostly talked about planes during that outing, and her job. He didn’t want to be invasive and ask a bunch of questions about her autism, so he made a list of things to slip into conversation to get to know her better. He scratched his head, doubting what he was doing for the first time. He was told by HBO executives that he could do anything he wanted with their money, as long it wasn’t over budget. Seasons one and two of The Rehearsal had reached moderate success, and they were happy. However, the research he was doing was becoming a dating show. It made him think about “The Hunk”, a segment of Nathan For You that he had made a long time ago, but this one was way less comedic and interesting. It unfortunately solidified the fact that he hadn’t settled since that aired, and it was a bit sad. He let millions get an insight of how his thought process worked, but that was a little too intimate to tell everybody. He had mentioned in season one of The Rehearsal that many of his relationships failed because he was too passive, and no one wants to be with someone that doesn’t question anything. It was a hard truth to confess, and he wasn’t sure he was ready to confess some more.

There was a rumor around the internet that Nathan only made season two the way he did, because he always wanted to be a pilot and HBO basically paid for his license and his classes and he used the footage for the show, stringing things that had nothing to do with each other, thus calling it a day. Now, he was going out with women and renting Cessnas just to impress them, as part of the same show. He sighed and shook his head. The rumors weren’t true, but even if they were, he managed to make all of it entertaining. He had to pitch something extraordinary if he wanted the series to go on, and by the way things were going, he had basically nothing to show. His curiosity did speak louder, and he decided to keep doing it. He had to know what would come out of it.

Chapter Text

“What have you been doing these days?”, asked Nathan, while eating a cookie.

“Playing Grand Theft Auto. Special interest,” Julia replied, taking a sip of her grape soda, “sad, I know.”

I thought that perhaps I went on to Julia too fast. Instead of taking her in a traditional date, I flew her over Los Angeles. She seemed to adore the experience, but I felt like I haven’t bonded with her the way I should have. I was too focused on piloting and too tired afterwards to properly connect. Since she knew about the  rehearsals I conducted on Lizard Lounge, I couldn’t take her there without compromising our interactions. Taking her to some expensive place could distract from the real purpose of out meeting. I suggested to take her to a Subway next to my apartment, late at night, to avoid possible interference from fans. She happily agreed.

“Not really,” Nathan smiled, “I’ve been with my cats all week.”

“How many cats do you have?”

“Two,” Nathan replied, “Rocket and Jackie.”

“Oh, I wish I had a pet,” Julia replied, smiling, “sometimes I feel lonely.”

“Why is that?”

Julia shrugged, “I’m different. That’s how it goes usually.”

She was so beautiful. They were eating but he couldn’t stop looking at her. The Subway location was almost empty, so he could focus on their conversation only. She was wearing a black and white letterman jacket with a white tank top and jeans. Her beautiful curly hair was loose, she was wearing red lipstick which transferred a bit off when she took a bite of her sub. Her cheeks looked so warm and he desperately wanted to touch her face and to taste her lips. He couldn’t believe the words that came out of her mouth, because she was gorgeous in every single way. She seemed sad when he asked that, so he tried to cheer her up.

“You’re so nice,” Nathan said, “I like being with you.”

She smiled, sadly, “I’m glad you asked me out. I don’t go out that much.”

“Too overwhelming?”

“Yeah,” she lightly tapped the table with her fingertips.

Nathan sighed, “I don’t like going out much either.”

“Yeah,” she nodded, “everybody can tell.”

Nathan chuckled slightly, “I suppose so.”

“It’s okay, though,” she looked at him lovingly, “it’s just the way you are.”

Nathan didn’t know why, but that affirmation made his heart skip a beat. It was said with so sincerity, and she looked at his eyes for a brief second while she said it, before diverting her gaze away as she usually did. She must have been judged so hard for it. He was too, and even though his awkwardness was used a lot in his comedy, it would be the best not feeling like he was the outcast at least once. It was validating to find someone who understood and didn’t judge him for liking his alone time. He could feel what she felt in his bones: desperately wanting a deep connection with human beings, but not being able to do so. It’s not like he wasn’t accepted, his parents loved him and his closest friends also did, but these were hard to come by, and a partner was even harder. The worst part is that he didn’t know what she wanted, and he didn’t have the courage to say what he wanted either. He never stopped thinking about her, since that kiss. They kissed, thousands of feet up in the air, and it was so simple, yet so powerful. It didn’t feel like a chore, it wasn’t forced because it was a date, it just was. It was a cathartic feeling.

“Yeah, it’s just easier not to deal with certain things.”

“Like what?”, she asked.

“The cringe that comes with it,” Nathan said, “like when you say ‘good morning’ to a person and they don’t answer.”

“It makes me so uncomfortable,” Julia made a funny face, “because I’m expecting to say the right thing and they do something that is unexpected.”

“They’re the ones who can’t communicate, most of the time,” Nathan finished his soda, “it’s not really our fault.”

That particular Subway was next to closing time. Nathan knew about this, and he noticed that the employees were cleaning up the space already. It was close to midnight, and he didn’t want to hold up minimum wage workers, as their lives were probably hell too. He didn’t want her to go, they had been talking for less than an hour. The problem was that he didn’t know what to say or where to take her to make her stay. He sighed, and she noticed that he was annoyed with something. She also looked around and understood what it was. He didn’t know it yet, but she didn’t want to go either.

“Hey, are you sleepy or something?”

“Not really,” Julia said, “what do you want to do?”

“We could watch a movie if you want…” he said, and he was lacking a bit of confidence, which he hoped she didn’t notice, “…I live nearby and…”

She stared at him, wondering what he was going to propose.

“… and you can also meet my cats.”

“Oh, sure,” she smiled, “I’d love to.”

-

“This is Rocket and this is Jackie. Rocket is the orange one.”

As soon as Nathan opened the door to his apartment, his cats came to welcome him. Julia smiled as they meowed and purred because he was finally home. They seemed to be really attached to him. She waved at the cats as a way to acknowledge them, and didn’t touch them for obvious reasons. Nathan found it to be cute, and he knew why she did it, but it was a bit funny to see nonetheless. His apartment was nice, big windows, comfortable couch. Julia wasn’t naive, and she knew why he had asked for her to come over. He was very polite about it, and it was the reason she said yes. He was wearing a navy blue hoodie, a grey t-shirt, jeans and sneakers. Navy blue suited him so perfectly. She noticed he mostly dressed up in shades of grey, blue and black, and it always worked. He looked so good. Maybe she was too starstruck with him, but he made hoodies and sweaters look stunning. There was a lot of charm in his awkwardness. He would look at her and smile to show he was having fun and he was comfortable, which was a response she knew too well. It was adorable to see. She sat on the couch, facing the big TV. He sat beside her.

“So, what are we gonna watch?”, she turned to him, slightly.

“Anything you want, really,” he said, softly.

Nathan just wanted an excuse to bring her upstairs. Even if they didn’t touch, even if they didn’t do anything, it was worth it just to look at her face for a while. She had such a beautiful face. Everything about her attracted him, she was magnetic. But he was such a coward. They looked at each other for one second, and he didn’t have the courage to lean in and kiss her. They had kissed before, but he just couldn’t move. Maybe he was mesmerized, maybe he was nervous. He was experiencing a lot of sensations and feelings he couldn’t describe. She approached him, closing the gap between them. Their thighs touched. Her hands held his face and she looked at him. Her touch was soft, and warm. He could barely keep eye contact, his breathing getting heavier, desire dripping from his slightly parted lips. It would be a lie to say he didn’t think about her that way. He tried not to, but he dreamed about it. He dreamed about her hands touching him, he dreamed about having her body close to his. She kissed him, slowly but surely, and even though they weren’t up in the air, he felt like he was flying. She slowly massaged his scalp with her fingertips, and he intertwined his fingers on her curly, soft hair, his big hands bringing her as close as humanly possible.

Julia smiled as she heard little sighs coming from Nathan as they kissed. That’s how she wanted the night to end. Nathan was really feeling that kiss, and he was a damn good kisser as well. She knew there was no movie, and it wasn’t about the cats either. The good thing was that they wouldn’t stop only on that kiss. She wanted to smell like him when it was over. She wanted to wake up naked in his bed. There was no way she would tell him that, but it seemed like their bodies spoke louder than their mouths in that regard.  His thumbs caressed her cheeks as his warm hands held her face. She sat on his lap and adjusted herself, which made him let out a weak moan. She giggled at his reaction, which made him chuckle a bit too. She broke the kiss, still holding his face.

“Unless…” she began, stopping to kiss him every other word, “…you want to fuck on the couch…”

She sucked his bottom lip, “…you should take me to your bedroom.”

She looked into his big chocolate eyes. His cheeks were flushed, he was completely taken by her. She was enjoying every single minute of it.

“Okay,” he simply said.

Julia took Nathan's hand and guided him to the bedroom. She took his hoodie off and pushed him to the bed, both giggling. She crawled over him and reached for the lamp on his bedside table, because she didn’t want to lose the sight of his beautiful face. She took her jacket off and threw it far, his hands shyly slid up her stomach underneath her tank top and full on grabbed her breasts. She giggled, and lined herself with his crotch, rubbing herself against him, which he really seemed to like, because he started moving his hips up, slightly. It was a peculiar kind of horny, to have sex with someone he really was yearning for. Julia took off her tank top and Nathan’s hands went straight to her jeans, to take them off. She rolled off him, took her jeans off and crawled back over his body. There was something so arousing about her being in her underwear, hovering over a fully clothed Nathan, who was barely holding himself up.

She reached for his neck, her lips slowly touching him, to the point it caused goosebumps. He closed his eyes as she sucked his neck gently, and held his face with tenderness, her thumb caressing his cheek. She was taken by the smell and softness of his white skin, and she smiled at the possibility of leaving a hickey as a gift, but it was way too soon. He held the back of her head close, feeling her curls against his palm and just letting her take control of him. Her fingers slowly went from stroking his cheek, to tracing his full, thick lips. His lips instantly parted as he felt her fingers coming in, enjoying the sensation of them filling his mouth. He sucked on her fingers without hesitation, because it felt so good. Julia liked to feel his chest rising up and down, a bit more desperate, as he breathed heavily.

“Get up,” she said to his ear, prompting Nathan to sit.

She helped Nathan to take his shirt off, and then his pants, as he momentarily moved his hips up. He laid back down as she caressed his hairy chest, down to his stomach. Everything about him was so perfect. He was so sensitive to the touch. Julia could almost taste his anticipation, she looked down admiring his body, but she could feel his eyes locked in to her. She knew she was going slow, and it had a reason. She was absolutely taken by him, but there was some kind of neediness in his eyes that would make the strongest of straight women fold just by witnessing it. He wanted her so badly, but he didn’t express it with words. It was the reason he brought her home at midnight. He stumbled upon words to say it, but he was glad she took the hint. Maybe her next actions would make him be more talkative.

She looked down to his underwear, and he had a massive boner. She touched it, which made him whimper. It wasn’t that visible because the lights were dim, but when her fingertips caressed it, she knew. Besides some friction, she hadn’t even touched him. She licked her lips, touching the tip of his cock, which was already a bit wet. God, if she put him on her mouth, he would probably go insane. She took his underwear off and positioned herself in between his thighs. The sight made her smile. He had glorious thighs. Julia really liked men’s thighs, and she was always thought they didn’t get the appreciation they truly deserved. Nathan was truly incredible to look at. She was indeed really horny, and she did think of him all day for two weeks, but… it wasn’t about that. He was just genuinely marvelous.

She opened his legs, kissing the inner part of one of his thighs and then another, and both times she could feel his legs jerking. She started by sucking on the tip of his cock, while caressing his balls with her hand. He threw his head back, deep into the soft pillow beneath him. His moans were squeaky and desperate, as she made way to the shaft. Her tongue drew circles over his cock, her mouth tasted every vein, every crease. She swallowed him whole, without hesitation, and she didn’t even seem to have trouble while doing so. His hands went to her hair, pushing her up and down. He tasted so good, he was so, so hard. She accelerated her pace, now sucking him faster. His sighs and moans started to get more urgent, and his grip stronger. She started to choke, which made him way more aroused.

“Fuck, if you don’t stop, I’m gonna cum in your mouth,” he said, even in a deeper voice, the desperation was palpable.

She stopped, with a smile. She looked at him and started giggling, which made him giggle in return.

“Julia…” he sighed, “sit on my face, sit on my fucking face.”

She positioned herself over his head, knees by the sides of his face. She helped him to take off her panties and took her bra off as well. “what’s the magic word?”

“Hm?” he asked, completely mesmerized by the sight of her naked body.

“Magic word.”

He was breathing hard, he was aroused, he was going insane. A whisper came out of his mouth.

“Please.”

She smiled, what a diabolical smile, “good boy.”

She sat on him with no mercy, as he had almost begged her to. He was indeed exactly where he wanted to be. His big hands went on to caress her breasts, to feel her hard nipples between his fingers. Her pussy was so wet, she was so ready. She made a good job hiding it, but she was about to fold just like him. She tasted delicious, she smelled delicious. The movements of her hips coated his flushed face with pussy juice. He wanted to drown on it. If he suffocated, it would be a glorious way to go. Her moans were music to his ears, starting a bit weak, then getting stronger and louder, and he would probably get a visit by the landlord the next day. She was really enjoying it, and so did he. His lips and his tongue played with her clit, licking and sucking her, tasting what seemed to be paradise. She came all over his mouth, shaking, whimpering. Making a mess. A mess that he truly appreciated. He felt his cock twitch as he heard his name being moaned.

Oh fuck, oh God. Nathan.

He could barely breathe when she got off him, and he had a huge smile on his face. Both were already so flushed and sweaty.

“I’m… I’m sorry…” she said a bit giggly, but obviously worried about him.

He shook his head, with the silliest smile on his face, “don’t worry, don’t worry…”

“Do you… do you have a condom…?” she was so out of breath that the sentence came out slowly.

He nodded, pointing at the bedside table, proving once again that he had planned all of that. It was within her reach, so she took it and opened the package with her mouth, handing it to him.

“You know… you know that if you sit on me… I’m gonna cum… right?”, he was so pathetically vulnerable.

“Yeah,” she chuckled.

He put the condom on, and Julia positioned herself. She was so sensitive for the orgasm she just had, but it was unfair not to give him a big one. She put him in and sighed. She was on her knees and hands, inches of his face, his sweaty, glistening face. She gave him a big kiss, and he moaned against her lips as she put his cock all the way inside her. She started slowly, to make him appreciate the moment just a little bit more. She was perfectly wet, he slid in so easily. His hands grabbed her butt, helping her move her hips, but she refused to go faster, which just prolonged his agony.

“Oh fuck, oh fuck me,” he moaned, maybe unconsciously, which made her go faster. He couldn’t hold longer after that. As she noticed his moans becoming more whiny, she jumped off him, took his condom off and jerked him. He came whimpering, covering her fingers with cum. She sucked the tip of his cock like a lollipop. He watched her cleaning her fingers one by one with her mouth and it was too much. She was too much. In the best way possible. She gave him a forehead kiss in the end. The most adorable thing that came out of all of that. She had such kind eyes.

“Can I sleep here?” she asked, a bit breathless, still. “It’s too late… and I’m afraid to go home alone…. Can you lend me a sweater? I want to shower…”

Nathan looked at her and he smiled. A genuinely beautiful smile. Julia had taken control over him. From the moment she kissed him on that plane, to the moment they had sex. It was in her nature to do it, perhaps. He was happy she did so, because he hadn’t had good sex like that in years. He didn’t even know where he was and what day it was, if he had work in the morning or not. He nodded, because how could he ever say no to her?

Chapter Text

cafuné

(Brazil) n. the act of fondling or caressing someone’s head.

I like being alone. It’s a thing that most people don’t understand and sometimes get annoyed by. I like my own space, to be silent with my thoughts and my cats. But I was also the one who asked her to stay, day after day, most of the week. She would take my hoodies to work, and they smelled like her. I never stopped her from taking them, and I would wear them afterwards just to have her smell as a company for a bit. I gave her some space in my closet to hang her clothes there, I told her she could come by for any reason she wanted to. After a while, I didn’t have to ask her to stay anymore. She would just appear with groceries and a smile. I feel like my favorite part of the day was knowing that she would come in and wave at the cats a bit after six. It felt right to have her in a space that was always just mine. The smell of her hair had taken over my sheets. She had taken over me.

“I need to take Jackie to the vet,” Nathan sighed, mumbling, “she hasn’t been eating.”

“I’ll do it for you,” Julia whispered, “first thing in the morning.”

“Thank you.”

He finally knew what she smelled like: strawberry. It wasn’t overwhelming in a way that bothered the senses, it was pleasantly smooth and long lasting. He wanted to know what it was, from the day they met, to the day they flew together, to the day they slept together for the first time. He figured he should just ask her. She smiled and told him what it was, and also showed him her hair products. She had a wooden smell to her hair, like the trees during a pleasant day of fall. These smells mixed together when she was around, and there was no way to know what they truly were if she didn’t tell. Her smell stayed behind in hugs, when she leaned against him to watch a movie, when she sat on his lap to talk about her day. Now, they were embraced, all sweaty and satisfied, after another round of sex. He rested his head a bit under her breasts, hugging her waist. It felt good to be in somebody’s arms like that, it had been so long. He longed for that contact, even being touch avoidant most of the time. He was glad that he didn’t have to ask for it, because in a way, she knew.

Julia was caressing Nathan’s head, her fingertips gently soothing his scalp. She did it very gently and it was making him sleepy. He had never felt that comfortable resting over someone’s body before. As much as he liked cuddling, it was nothing… compared to that. It was something about her, the person. Her smell, her voice, her touch. He didn’t know how to explain, and he didn’t want to try. He just wanted to enjoy it. He found peace listening to her beating heart against his ear. Her sweaty body still had the strawberry smell and softness he loved, and it was difficult to accept he had to get up and shower. He hated being sweaty and sticky, but he cherished every minute of aftercare that he could. Julia kissed the top of his head, which made him smile.

“I think we should shower,” whispered Julia, after a bit of silence.

“Hmm…” Nathan grunted, “just wait a little bit.”

“Okay,” she chuckled.

Nathan didn’t move and Julia kept caressing him. His hair was a bit thick, but very soft, and even as sweaty as he was, he always smelled good. She felt as his breathing went from panting to normal and consistent, as he rested against her. Julia was usually the one to pull him closer, and to hold him. He would hold her if she crawled to him and put her head against his neck, otherwise, they would just shower. She didn’t know why, maybe it was just the way he was. He seemed to enjoy it, and it was the first time he asked to stay a little longer. She knew he craved for that moment, but he never really asked for it. She didn’t mind, mostly because she had the impression that he was as touch starved as she was. It wasn’t really about not having sex for a long time, but more about having a safe space with a person, just to exist. It was a vulnerable, borderline embarrassing moment. They had seen each other’s bodies, they had messy sex, most of the time. They used to talk to each other during these times, but that specific day, they were silent. It was a comforting silence. She gently took her hand to his chin, which made him turn and face her.

“You’re so handsome,” she said, which made him smile with his lovely sleepy eyes. She brushed his messy hair with her other hand.

He kissed her stomach softly, “do you want to go another round?”

“Aren’t you tired?”

“A bit,” he made a funny face, admitting to it.

“There’s always tomorrow,” Julia said gently, soothing him.

He reluctantly got up and went to shower, and she followed right after. There was something special about showering at his place and wearing his sweaters. Seeing his cats pace around the room, and holding him to sleep. Even when she slept back at her place alone, she felt like he should have been there somehow. And the affirmation that there was always tomorrow filled both with a strange happiness.

-

Email alert sound

It was difficult to keep hands from one another. It was irrational, the urge to be together. The urge to feel his touch, the urge to taste his kisses. Normally Julia would be self conscious around the cats, but the cats didn’t seem to care, and she had no shame about it after a couple of times. Rocket and Jackie would sometimes rub their fluffy bodies in between the humans' legs and even that didn’t make Nathan and Julia stop what they were doing. She had promised to take Jackie to the vet, but now she had Nathan deep inside her. Maybe the secret of happiness was taking it raw over the kitchen counter. Feeling his hot breath over her while they smashed their faces against each other. The little moans that came from his mouth as his hips met hers in frenetic movements. Her hands went from the counter, to his hair, to his shoulders, tugging his white shirt in a way to hold herself in place but also desperately begging him not to stop. The sweatpants, which were now on the floor were to blame. He looked damn good in them.

Julia was wearing one of his sweaters, even though she had some spare clothes on Nathan’s closet, it was comfortable enough to sleep in them… and easier for him to fuck her mercilessly. She pressed her lips against his collarbone and took him all in, every inch, feeling his hard cock throbbing inside her. And oh, how he liked it. It was all over his demeanor. Squeaky, breathy moans as he fucked her, eyes closed, cheeks flushed. It was so glorious, like a beautiful painting. His hair all messy, so out of his mind. The kitchen utensils, cups, plates, cutlery, all vibrating over the counter as he pounded into her like it was the end of the world. His knees and the back of her thighs were getting redder because of the friction. He grabbed a handful of her butt cheeks, gripping them until the knuckles of his hands turned white. It was like he wanted to fuse himself with her, because even being that close, it wasn’t close enough.

She pressed him against her with her legs, holding his t-shirt tight with one hand, while the other hand held his neck and made him press his face against her own neck. He grunted as he came, and she smiled as she felt his warm cum filling her.

“I’m so close,” she whispered, “don’t stop”.

And he didn’t. He knew what to do, he kept the pace, the way she wanted. Her moans were breathy and high pitched. She twisted the sleeve of his shirt and squeezed his neck even harder, her legs twitched and her toes curled. She shivered as she orgasmed, goosebumps taking over her. He felt her clenching on his dick and it was glorious, it was dirty, it was everything he wanted. It made him chuckle. He slowly got out of her and she took his face in her hands. He had messy hair and red cheeks and a big smile on his face. Such genuine display of pure happiness. She tried to comb his hair with her fingers and he closed his eyes as she did. Both were panting, and both still had a lot to do that day.

“You… you promised to take the cat to the vet,” he said, still chuckling.

“I will, I will…” she nodded, “I’ll do it before I go to work. I’ll tell Conan.”

“God, I need to shower,” Nathan said, shaking his head, but smiling

“We both,” Julia put her hands on her face, to wipe the sweat away. A good start.

The cats seemed to be used to that type of degeneracy. They were walking around like nothing had happened. Nathan promised to clean the counter and Julia jumped out of it to shower. Rocket and Jackie were now used to have her around the house, and warmed up to her really quickly. She showered and got ready to leave, she said she would have breakfast on her way to work in case going to the vet with Jackie took too long. He was grateful that he could leave his cats with someone he trusted. Julia always seemed to be worried about them as well, which was endearing to him. He took a shower, put a new pair of sweatpants and a shirt and went on to made French toast. He wanted to take a considerable amount of time before diving into work once again. He had sent a preview of his new idea to HBO, and he was waiting for their feedback. He sighed as soon as the got the bread out of the cabinet: he had run out of eggs two days prior. He closed his eyes in defeat. He was in no mood to go out and buy eggs. He was hungry and the thought of having to go out and interact socially just for a miserable carton of eggs started to irritate him.

Nathan opened his fridge with a frown in his face, just to realize the egg compartment was completely full. Julia probably bought some when she came, probably told him and he had forgotten about it. It made him smile. She had no idea how thankful he was when she did little things like that. When she started to come over, he didn’t have any problems of covering her food, but she noticed some stuff about him that he didn’t have the courage to tell her. He dragged himself through some interactions that he hated, and he was too passive to properly say he was uncomfortable. She would gently step in and ask if he was okay, and sometimes she would be firm with fans and other people when they were clearly disrupting his personal space. Sometimes they got too touchy, sometimes they were outright rude. The problem of playing an exaggerated version of himself was that people didn’t realize that he did have some form of anxiety, and that social interaction was difficult for him. He managed to turn that into entertainment, but it didn’t mean he didn’t suffer through it. She went through the same thing, and she knew how to make him comfortable. It was very important to him. He smiled once again at the thought of her, even though she had just left his apartment, that same day.

As he put his breakfast over the table, put on his reading glasses and went to work, something started to bother him: he had to continue with his tangents for The Rehearsal. It began with him trying to find how “true love” relationships worked. He wanted to know why they worked for other people but not for him. He knew deep inside that all of that research was a way to cope with his divorce. He hated remembering it, he hated talking about it, he hated remembering that he couldn’t salvage his marriage. He hated hearing that true love always wins, that people who truly love each other always stay together because it was “meant to be”. It was like the universe was trying to say that he didn’t love his wife, which was completely untrue. He did love her, but somewhere along the way, the feeling was not enough to keep them together. He was on therapy, he had messy feeling about all of it. Feelings of guilt, of anger, of disappointment. But it was over, the memories were the only thing that still remained. He hadn’t remarried since. It had been more than ten years. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to be married, but he had baggage he wanted to take care before committing to life. He felt ashamed, ashamed of himself in front of his parents, his friends who were married. He felt like a failure, even though his career was thriving. He loved what he did, it meant a lot to him, but he wanted to settle and to have a face to look and admire for the rest of his life. It seemed so easy for other people, why couldn’t it be easy when it came to him? He chewed on his food as the uncertainty of the situation presented itself.

Nathan started to wonder if he should involve his own therapist in all of it. Usually when he needed something like that for the show, he would have to ask for permission to record it, and some of them wouldn’t do it. In season two of the show, he went through a mental health check and it was a bit difficult to find professionals who wanted to appear onscreen. He didn’t want to expose his private life that much, but the therapist he was seeing was the one who helped him through the divorce. She knew about the motive, the feelings involved. But then… it would be too risky. She would probably not agree to it, and Nathan would feel too exposed in front of the audience. She didn’t know Nathan was doing that, and she didn’t know he was revisiting trauma. Most people in his life, with the exception of his parents, didn’t know that he was researching this topic. There was no way to do all of that without bringing his marriage, which made him deeply uncomfortable. He sighed and tried to move on from that topic for that moment, but the next topic wasn’t so easy as well: analyzing Julia.

They were… together. Nathan hadn’t even asked Julia to be his girlfriend formally, but he believed that it was the status of their relationship at that moment. He wasn’t seeing anyone else and he had no desire to see anyone else either, so it was the right classification. They would see each other between three to four days a week, she would constantly sleep over and he would visit her from time to time. She had roommates and he couldn’t sleep on her apartment, but he visited when he could. She had taken three jackets of his with her, and he hadn’t seen one of them in almost a month. He had met her three months ago, and over the past month she slept more at his apartment than at hers. It was an arrangement he was comfortable with. He knew that all of that research was going to be based on feelings, and that he would be really biased. He had a prompt he made before meeting her, and one of the bullet points was a list of things that he liked about his date. It was something impossible to do. He did admit to himself that he adored her, and it was a scary feeling. It was too soon, too intense and he didn’t know how she felt about it. Sitting to discuss it was also too soon. Everything was so confusing.

He tried to be as objective as possible and that was all he could think:

• Very assertive (helped with my self-confidence);
• Loves animals (my cats mean a lot to me);
• Autistic (she understands my social anxiety);

It all felt too reductive, in his opinion. Her smile could melt anyone, and that’s what went through his mind. About her smell over his clothes and her sweet kisses and the way he never got tired of seeing her. He got tired a lot, even around the people he enjoyed to be with. But even when he was tired, she managed to make the day less stressful. Thinking about that irked him a bit: he realized that the bullet points he had listed all talked about the things she did for him instead of how he perceived her. He also didn’t know what she liked about him which made things complicated. It would be too suspicious to ask her to list all of the things she liked. He wanted to show how thankful he was to have her in his life, and he needed to do that more often. She would probably never ask for it. They didn’t go out very much, and she was always so excited when they did. It was the kind of sacrifice he was glad to make, and sitting there thinking about her made him think about how happy he was compared to before he met her. Also listing her as autistic like that had to be some form of ableism. He was brainstorming and typed that. In his defense, she would probably think it was hilarious.

He decided to check his notifications before moving on, and he had received an email. It was something about corporate, HBO directly. His deadline to present the topic wasn’t nearly as close to end, so he opened the email thinking it would be something about the budget or filming locations. But what he read blindsided him. He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes, because he wanted it to be a bad dream. The French toast sat on the plate half eaten, next to a cup of coffee.

Unfortunately, the idea is too similar to one Nathan For You episode. It’s not entertaining enough and it’s not what we’re looking for.

He looked at his cellphone, trying to contact the other producers and he had a text message on his notifications. Apparently people had been trying to contact him since early morning, because they all were aware of that email. While he was getting busy, the producers of the show were in damage control.

They didn’t like what we sent.

They said it’s bland like every other reality show.

The deadline is still far away, but they want a convincing idea in one week.

We only have one week, or it’s over. 9:34am

Chapter Text

“Baby, you don’t know what happened today.”

Julia was so happy, sparkling eyes, big smile. She had a big bag with her, and she was wearing one of his Summit Ice jackets, which would make him so happy, but not that day. Nathan was feeling stressed, the pressure was killing him. He wasn’t in the best mood possible, and seeing her come around the way she did would make his day, but he was so drained. The deadline was three days away, and his team hadn’t come up with a good idea for season three of the show. He was disheveled. She didn’t notice he wasn’t as receptive as before, coming from behind to give him a kiss on the top of his head while he was very concentrated on the screen of his laptop in front of him. He managed to smile lightly and acknowledge her presence, but soon he was back at what he was doing. She put the bag in front of him and started to talk.

“God, I’m so tired,” she said, “but you’re not gonna believe this. Sorry, I’m late.”

She started taking off her jacket, and she put it on one of the chairs at the kitchen they were at. It was night. The comment made Nathan look out the window. He didn’t even realize it was night already. The cats had automatic feeders, and didn’t seem like they wanted cuddles. They were probably sleeping. He was so out of it. Losing track of space and time wasn’t a good thing, but he just wanted everything to be over with. He didn’t like the amount of pressure he was feeling. He was a bit relieved for the fact she didn’t see anything wrong. He would usually drop everything when she was home, to give her undivided attention for a couple of hours or more. She was so excited about whatever happened, that she started yapping almost immediately.

“So you know, while I was on break I decided to go around Larchmont to find a place to eat,” she sat on the chair next to him.

“I don’t do that often because that place is so fucking expensive,” she shrugged, “but I felt like I deserved it.”

She stroked his arm, and he reluctantly turned to her. He was visibly tired, like he had aged five years in thirty minutes, but she continued smiling and explaining the event.

“You have no idea who I found where I was going to eat. As I was going there, someone else was going too.”

“Who was it?”, he smiled, although it was a very frail smile. He needed to sleep soon.

She took the bag in front of them and took a vinyl disc from there. But it was not a random record.

He sighed, and then he smiled widely. It was a beautiful sight, one that a photo could capture, but it wouldn’t feel as beautiful and as meaningful like real life. Nathan could see Julia's smile from behind the disc, and it looked like it was framing a beautiful work of art. She couldn’t hide her excitement and he knew why. She was holding a ‘Norman Fucking Rockwell!’ vinyl, one of Lana Del Rey’s records. It was autographed.

“There was a record store nearby, so I ran to buy this,” her voice was shaking with excitement, “I didn’t even know if she would autograph it or not, because she was with Jeremy and it was probably a date.”

She sighed, “I took some courage and approached her and they were really nice. I explained like ‘hey, my boyfriend and I love you, and he’s been a fan for the longest time, could you sign this for him, please?, and she was so graceful.”

Her voice was shaking with happiness. He took the vinyl in his hands. It was an image he already knew: Lana and her lover in a boat during a clear sunny day, she was holding the man’s waist and stretching her arm to the camera. Right below the title, next to the American flag, there were the words the singer wrote.

To Nathan

Love,

Lana Del Rey

“I didn’t even ask if you already have that one, I’m sorry,” Julia shook her head, “I just grabbed it and hoped you would like it.”

He nodded. God, he was exhausted. She was the most precious treasure. She went all of the way to do it. It must have been nerve wrecking, especially because there was a chance that Lana could just deny the autograph. Vinyls were also not that cheap, and she was lucky to find this one so quickly.

“Thank you, honey,” he smiled. She suddenly noticed how tired he was. His eyes were red, and it looked like he was blinking in slow motion.

“Oh my god, Nathan,” she said, sounding a bit concerned, “how much sleep did you get last night?”

“None,” he sighed, “I need to finish this.”

“God, it’s like 9:30pm!”, she exclaimed, “please.”

“Julia…”, he was wasted, and she noticed how he was really wearing the shirt and sweatpants he wore the night prior.

“I left like… 7pm yesterday? And you’re still…”, she sighed, and took his right hand, “come on, let’s go to bed.”

“No…” he whined, frowning.

She smiled, “come on, big baby, come on.”

She brought him to bed and laid down with him, facing him. She caressed his face, while he looked at her. He seemed a bit annoyed, mostly because she stopped what he was doing, and what he was doing was really important. After two seconds of cuddling, his grumpiness went away. She was so good at it. Her hands were so soft and smelled so good. It was like a guardian angel tucking him into bed.

“I need to go back…” he said, already drifting away. She thought his stubbornness even in that situation was hilarious.

“Remember Benny and Emily want to go out tomorrow,” she kissed his forehead, while whispering, “you have to go to sleep.”

“But…”

“Everything is going to be alright tomorrow. Don’t worry.”

He nodded, eyes closed and with a smile in his face. Before he slept, he heard her voice.

“I love you.”

-

Nathan woke up and Julia wasn’t there. He was in an awkward position, still fully clothed, still facing the same side Julia was laid down the night prior. He closed his eyes and stretched, trying to remember what she said. She told him not to worry. She didn’t sleep in. It was normal, she probably didn’t want him to worry about anything and she wanted him to get a good night of sleep. He was a still a bit disoriented, but he did sleep well. He dragged himself to the bathroom and Jackie came meowing at him. Rocket was very much asleep on the couch, which made Nathan smile. He caressed Jackie’s head and she purred. He turned on the lights to take a good look at himself in the mirror. Not great, but not terrible either. He needed to shave.

He took a shower thinking how he hadn’t seen Benny and Emily in a while. The Curse would probably not go on, they were really busy and it was already complicated for Nathan to take flying lessons for The Rehearsal, and writing, directing and producing for The Curse at the same time. Either way, it was nice to hear from them, and he needed to get out of the house at least once. Julia was a fan of the show, and she talked to Nathan about it sometimes. He told her a bit about it, about how they filmed the scenes and the inspirations he had, but never elaborated in any meanings and intentions. He liked to listen to her theories about behaviors and the conflicts between Whitney, Asher and Dougie. She would ramble about it sometimes, but she promised she wouldn’t do it in front of them. Nathan never cared and always loved to hear her discussing something passionately. He was fulfilled with his projects and he tried to never demand very much of himself, but hearing her talk about his TV shows made it seem like everything, every obstacle, every stone in the way meaningless. It was good to feel like that.

As he started to shave, Julia came home. He heard her greeting the cats in baby voice, and both meowed in response, which made him smile.

“Hey, I think I forgot my Mac here,” she said, without coming to the bathroom, “I’m gonna need it later.”

“It’s probably on the coffee table,” he said, applying shaving cream to his face.

He slowly applied lotion to his face, making sure he didn’t miss any spots while shaving. He had a towel wrapped around his waist and his skin was still partly wet from the shower. He came out of the bathroom and to the living room and saw Julia sitting on the couch, staring at the wall. It was a very unnerving scene, since she’s never that still and never that silent. There were two MacBooks over the coffee table, and one was open. Apparently, it was his. They were identical, space grey MacBooks and there was no way to tell the apart before opening them. Nathan was tired and was working around the clock, so he had decided to set his lock screen to “never” lock it. He didn’t want to stop and use Touch ID every time his screen turned dark. Turns out that was the the biggest mistake he made. In the split second he saw her and realized what had happened, he tried to remember what he was working on when she got him to bed the night before.

“Why are you listing my autism as a perk about dating me?”, she asked, voice cracking, almost whispering.

“What?”

“Why do you have a big Pages file on a bunch of women?”, she sounded pained.

“Wait, that’s not-”, he stretched his arm to reach for the laptop.

“Is this a rehearsal?”, she finally broke down crying, not looking at him, “were we a rehearsal?”

It finally hit him. She had read everything. Maybe not everything, but a part of it. He never exactly hid from her that he was working on a rehearsal, but she never knew that their relationship had started because of one. He was trying to come up with new ideas, but he didn’t want to have his prior rehearsal to turn into nothing. He wanted something out of it, some inner peace, and to understand what was wrong in his romantic life. He never let it go, because it was his life, his problems. Julia was wonderful and she was a part of that journey, and he never told her about it. She had read it, out of context, before he could explain everything to her.

“No, listen…”

“You told me…”, she started to choke, “that it was about inhibition… or something… like that.”

She shook her head, tears streaming down her face like a sad waterfall, “that’s so mean, you’re so mean.”

“Julia…”

She looked at him finally, her eyes were red, as her nose and her cheeks, she could barely talk. She was shaking. She was sitting with her hands over her thighs, palms up. She raised her arms a bit and looked at him and it seemed like uttering any word felt like a gigantic burden. She was very expressive, so her face showed every single ounce of pain she was feeling, and it was a lot. She managed to get one word out, looking at him. It was almost like a whisper, a faint squeak.

“Why?”

The worst part was that he couldn’t respond. He froze. He looked at her and he was sure that his world was crumbling and he couldn’t save it. He wanted to tell her everything, but he didn’t know how to begin. He approached her carefully as she closed her eyes and cried loudly, it was clear she was going through a lot of distress. He tried to touch her, but she slowly got up, her body shaking as she cried. She still had her purse wrapped around her. She grabbed her MacBook and left. He could hear her cries through the corridor until she went away. Everything happened so fast, and he had no idea how to react. The cats also were weirdly silent, perhaps scared by the sudden loud crying. He felt like fainting, and that was his anxiety kicking in. It felt horrible, and that made him even more empathetic, because it was a terrible feeling, and she must have felt the same thing.

Suddenly, she was gone. They had talked about meeting Benny and Emily the night prior, the meeting was a couple of hours from that, and now he had no girlfriend and a surprise anxiety attack. That was probably the worst day of his life in a long time. He was wet and almost naked, about to faint, alone in a room in which his partner stood some moments prior, possibly with a smile on her face, as she always did. He sat on the couch trying not to die, and trying to breathe. It was so difficult to go through it, but he had to. He hoped it wouldn’t take a long time. He took deep breaths through his nose and mouth, and hoped he didn’t have a cardiac arrest while by himself. His phone started to ring and he couldn’t even answer it. It became irritating and he was mad at himself for not being able to do that simple task, and to not be able to stop feeling like that. What a mess. Everything was a mess.

-

“What’s with you?”

Nathan felt too guilty to cancel on Benny and Emily, so he went out with them to get some lunch. Nathan was always introverted and a bit shy, but they already knew something was wrong. He seemed to be in a completely different world from where they were. He looked off, and it wasn’t just the appearance of being tired. He hoped they wouldn’t notice, but turns out the New York Times review of The Curse was probably right: he wasn’t that good of an actor.

“Nothing,” he replied. They had just eaten and they were talking about what they were doing at the moment. Nathan gave some vague answers about the Rehearsal and Benny noticed he was feeling down.

“Are you tired?”, asked Emily.

“A little bit, but I’m fine,” said Nathan.

“You could’ve canceled, you know,” said Benny, “we would understand.”

“Yeah, but…”, Nathan sighed, “it had been a while and I needed to go out.”

“What… was it?”, Emily asked, “if you don’t mind telling us.”

Nathan sighed. He hated telling stuff about his private life even to his close friends, but there was no one else to speak to about it. It was recent, warm, like a fresh wound. It had happened just a few hours before he was supposed to meet his friends. It hurt and at the same time he felt numb. Just a body carrying his soul from place to place.

“There’s… this woman I was seeing,” Nathan said, almost whispering, “and I broke her trust.”

“What did you do?”, Emily squinted and frowned, “did you cheat?”

“No,” he replied, “but I hid some things from her… which she found out and when she confronted me, I couldn’t explain myself.”

Benny sighed, “this is so not you, Nathan.”

“I’m just trying to process it. I’m sorry. It happened a few hours ago,” Nathan closed his eyes and rubbed his face. He knew being vague would make him look worse, but it was so difficult to open up to someone.

“Well…”, Emily said, gently, “just… give her some time… call her after a while if you need to.”

“Everybody needs closure,” said Benny, “not just her, but you do too.”

They chose to change the subject to try and cheer Nathan up, and he appreciated the effort. He wouldn’t forget it, but he could appreciate going out with his friends. He even took some selfies on the way, from excited fans, and he managed to get away with it, because they were so excited they didn’t notice he was feeling awful. He used his remaining social battery to smile a couple of times for the photos. He apologized to Emily and Benny profusely for basically ruining the outing, but they didn’t mind. They hugged and wished each other the best. Nathan took and Uber home, praying that they would not recognize him and that they were the silent type. Choosing “no conversation” during an Uber ride was a bit rude coming from someone who works on TV, so he didn’t want to do it. The man who took him home was polite and didn’t seem to recognize him, and he thanked heavens for that. He came back and was greeted by his cats, which would be the same routine he always had, but something looked off.

Looking at his apartment the way he always did when he came through the door made him feel sad at that moment. The things were all left the way they were before, his laptop, still open and still over the coffee table reminded him of the few minutes of pain felt on that same place, minutes that felt like centuries, and yet, she had left that same morning. Yeah, she was what was missing. It was weird walking around his home feeling like a stranger. It was like his home was swapped by an exact copy, but without what made it his own. The whole place smelled like her, and it was unbearable. The jacket she was wearing was still on the kitchen chair and he didn’t want to touch it. It was a grim reminder that she once was there, and there was a possibility of her never coming back again. The cats came to him, but they were still unusually silent, like they knew something was wrong, they could feel it. The atmosphere felt so heavy. The silence that he cherished and loved, that he appreciated and craved for was torturing him. The absence of her voice, the absence of the meows.

It was the materialized definition of emptiness.

Chapter Text

He was everywhere.

In the middle of the crowd she unfortunately had to share space with to go to work. Someone somewhere on public transportation always smelled like his deodorant. When she looked down, someone was wearing New Balance sneakers just like his. Somewhere a man dressed the way he dressed. Someone’s hair was graying just like his. It was never him of course, but it was like he was a ghost, mocking the way everything turned out, so close, yet so far. It was a glimpse of a person or a thing that reminded her of him, and it was gone in a second, but the hurt and the sadness lingered on. Then she would go home to watch a movie and her HBO Max would suggest comedy like The Rehearsal or Nathan For You. It felt surreal. His mere existence was torturing her from the inside. It was so cruel, in the most gut wrenching way possible. She had one of his sweaters and a couple of his jackets thrown into her wardrobe. She wished she had the strength to get rid of them. She wished she could burn his stuff and be set free, but the image of him still lingered on. His smell, and the pictures of him on her camera roll that she didn’t have the courage to delete.

Nathan hadn’t called, and it was perhaps for the best. Julia didn’t know what reaction she would have if she talked to him again. She also didn’t want to. What could he possibly say to make things better? It was all a social experiment, the way he did on his previous material. She had seen harsh criticism of his work before, claims that he manipulated people and lied by omission to make them look horrible on camera. She always thought these criticisms were unfounded and that people just regretted showing their real side on television. After she found out the worst way possible that she was being used for a TV show, she understood how these people felt. She would burst out crying remembering that she couldn’t take away all the attention and love she gave him. She would cry in the shower, rubbing her arms until they got red, because it seemed like his smell would never go away. Her roommates knew she was suffering and they made sure she was well taken care of and that she could open up when she felt safe. But she never did, and it was because how embarrassed she felt about all of that.

They had spent four months together at that point. She went all in, from the first time they slept together. She genuinely felt like he could understand her, she felt at peace with him, like he could bring color to the gray world she lived in. After a month they were practically living together and it seemed like he wasn’t seeing anyone else. She got used to sleep at his apartment, she got attached to his cats. There were a lot of things that went through her head as she tried to make sense of their relationship, including the fact she didn’t know if it was a relationship at all. He never asked her to be his girlfriend, but he never asked her to back off either. It was hurtful to think that the lovely way he looked at her and the way they cuddled was all fake. It hurt to think that he never had feelings for her in fact, and if she hadn’t walked into the Lizard Lounge, other woman would be suffering in her place. It was unfair and it would be unfair if it happened to anyone else. She had to stop every cell of her body from going to his apartment, slapping him across the face and asking what was wrong with him. She didn’t want to feel what she felt so intensely, and she did because he made her feel like it was alright. Falling for someone so fast and so quickly wasn’t advised, but it wasn’t like she could control it. But she could at least avoid more suffering by leaving him for good.

The worst part about all of the situation was that Julia couldn’t tell anything to anyone. She never really talked about her boyfriend, even though people knew she had one. And when she mentioned his name it was just Nathan, a fairly common name. No one knew she was dating and had just broken up with comedian Nathan Fielder, and since she worked with another comedian, it was inevitable that he would be mentioned at work, and by her boss. She couldn’t just tell him what happened. It would be uncomfortable to bring it up.

Julia hated Nathan so much and yet, she missed him. She missed his voice, and his smile, and the warmth of his palms and his entire body. She missed the way he giggled and the loving way he would hold and kiss his cats on the top of their furry heads. She missed seeing them sleep over the couch and she missed watching movies with him. She missed the big, chocolate brown eyes. He had the most beautiful eyes. Her own eyes were brown, a thing she resented into her teen years and although she had liked other men with brown eyes over the years, his were by far her favorite. He was her favorite everything. In one of the last times they talked, she told him she loved him. She tried to make it as casual as possible, but it was something she wanted to say for a while. She didn’t know when it started, but she just wanted to let it out. It would’ve been a good feeling if they hadn’t ended so abruptly. It was too soon, and she knew it. She whispered to him as he was falling asleep, in a way to protect herself if he didn’t feel the same. It was a pure feeling, one that he perhaps wouldn’t understand. Her instincts were right: he love bombed her until the end. It was such an inhuman thing to do. And from that moment on, they would sleep apart. Probably forever.

-

“What’s with you?” Conan asked softly.

He was a gentle giant. Late night comedy legend. The rumors about Conan were all true, the kind boss, the humble human. He loved making people laugh, and he knew what to say to make that happen. His sense of humor did change depending on the person. Julia was a bit sensitive towards some jokes, and he knew how to make her giggle without insulting her. Not only that, he knew every single person that worked on that Team Coco building by their first name, something that someone else with his caliber and his fame would probably never bother to do. He was an observational comic and with that, he knew if something was wrong. Julia never got out of her way to ask for accommodations related to her autism, but Conan asked about her disorder and gave her a pair of nice, expensive noise canceling headphones, something that she would be thankful for eternity. She had her own pair, but that gesture was proof of how kind the man was. He was very proud, saying that Eduardo helped to choose them. The work could be exhausting, and his kindness extended to ask what was wrong if he could sense it. And Conan was always right.

“Nothing,” Julia sighed, “I’m sorry, boss.”

“It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me,” said Conan, his freckled fingers playing with a pen, “it’s okay if it’s too personal, I just want to know if I can help.”

They were talking in private, in Conan’s office. It could be a goofy sight, because he had his hair up in that silly way that he had for most of his career, but the look in his small blue eyes was of genuine concern. He was so busy with everything, from the podcast to the travel show and hosting the Oscars for the second time, but he still had time to have these talks. She had been working for him for a while, and she got somewhat used to his presence, but it was still so hard to look him in the eyes, being autistic or not. She looked at his forehead or his nose, any point of his face she could lock on. She tried as much as possible to look and act like her usual self, hoping people would just shrug and think it had something to do with her neurodivergence. But he saw through it. She could barely sleep and eat, and that concerned him.

“Well…” said Julia, “it was a break up… I’ll get over it.”

“I’m very sorry to hear that,” said Conan, “it must be tough.”

“Yeah,” she nodded, the saddest faintest word she had said that day.

“I know how stressful this job can be, and you don’t look well,” he said, serious, but gentle.

Julia remained silent.

“Just go home for the rest of the day, and you can work from home for a week.”

Julia sighed, looking down, “I’m sorry, boss…”

Conan shook his head, “please get some rest, I’ll talk to you next Monday.”

“You don’t have to…”

“Don’t take tasks you can’t do. It’s clear for all of us that you’re hurting, and I don’t like to see you like this.”

“It isn’t impacting my productivity, I’m making sure of it,” Julia replied.

“It isn’t, but it’s wearing you down, and everybody already noticed. That’s why I’m sending you home. Everybody needs to recharge. Don’t you worry.”

Everything is going to be alright in the end.

Julia nodded. She told Nathan that once, and it wasn’t true, at least not for them. Conan extended his arm for a handshake, but Julia decided to get up, walk around the desk and hug him. A very awkward hug that lasted longer than it should have. It was meaningful though, because she was used to push through pain and exhaustion to deliver results and no other boss before him would’ve granted her such privilege. It was a way to thank him for his patience, and that she wouldn’t take it for granted. She dragged herself home, her roommates were there, and everything was still awkward. So she decided to tell them. She didn’t tell them everything besides the fact that he was famous and that they broke up because he didn’t really have feelings for her like she did for him. She tried not to sound bitter, and framed it as something that just happens during life. She had no courage to bash him, even though he deserved it. They had seen him before, but they had no idea what he did and besides greetings, they never really talked to him. He seemed to be an introvert and they respected his space. Julia told them there were no hard feelings, and that she just wanted to move on. The last part wasn't completely true.

The last moments together played in loop all over her mind. She had cried hysterically, something that always happened when her heart was broken. It was too much to process, and she wished she wasn’t like that. She wished that she didn’t feel stuff so intensely. It only hurt herself, because apart from mild surprise, he didn’t really look like he grasped the situation properly. He even tried to take his Mac back so she wouldn’t see it. Not really something that an innocent person does. He didn’t really seem concerned about what she was feeling, instead trying to hide what he had written there. She found audio transcripts, and his plans were meticulously detailed on a Pages file. She didn’t read through it all, but the parts she did, didn’t really make him look good.

Her roommates dragged her out of the house so she could forget. She couldn’t be a mess crying on her bed forever. They took her to the movies, to countless malls, they took her shopping for makeup, which she loved, they drove to the beach, just to make her feel included. Sometimes these places were loud and overstimulating, but she liked to be out. She liked to look at things that didn’t remind her of him. They didn’t go out much, their relationship was new and it didn’t seem like he liked being out. He was a very private person, he loved being home watching movies in his sweatpants and there was nothing wrong with that. After not seeing him for a month, and considering that they had broken up for good, Julia started wondering if not going out was also a plan that had to do with his rehearsal. He couldn’t just go on and tell everyone he had a girlfriend. He was using her for some kind of goal, and she found out before he could stop her. The thought of that made her even sadder. She wasn’t good enough to hold hands and to be shown to his parents, but she was good enough for sex and grocery shopping.

The fact she still desired him made her disgusted with herself. Even on her own rented apartment, there were memories of them fooling around in the shower, and in her bed. His grip was firm, he had beautiful piercing eyes when he was aroused. His lips quivered when he wanted a kiss, he moaned while fucking like it was the most pleasurable thing in the world. He was a sleepyhead, sex almost always made him sleepy, especially at night. Sometimes he would fall asleep in her arms, and he was a bit heavy, but there was no way she would wake him up. She liked to run her fingers through his hair and she could hear on his voice how much he enjoyed it. It was a mix of feelings thinking about their happy moments and having the mind also realize that they were all fake. Was he that good of an actor? It was an Emmy winning performance. She heard he had lost all of his nominations the same year. Ironic, to say the least.

Julia was torn about wishing Nathan happiness, but not telling anyone what he had really done. He was bound to fool another woman for his nefarious plans. She thought about herself too, and how much of a shit show it would be blasting their relationship all over the internet. It wasn’t really about his privacy, but hers either. Probably no one knew they were dating, and she was completely anonymous. He was a beloved figure and there was a big chance that people wouldn’t believe her, and ever after hearing her, would side with him. Then, her life would become a living hell. She would be accused of trying to use him for fame and money, something that had never crossed her mind. The world is cruel, and the internet could be even more devastating. Telling everything was out of question, especially because the issue upset her greatly even to think about. Even hearing the name Nathan made her sad. She knew it would go away eventually, but that period time seemed to never end. She was knees deep in disappointment.

Julia asked her friends to get her stuff back after one month passed. Nathan didn’t reach out and she knew she didn’t have the courage to do it, so she gave them their address and what to do and say. She didn’t even know if he would open the door or not, but she had several clothes at his place and she didn’t want to leave them behind just because of an ex. It felt so surreal. She was very strong, she didn’t cry. It would be the last nail in the coffin. The masked confidence she was exuding made her roommates proud. They thought she was really ready to let him go. But it wasn’t true. It was easier to pretend she didn’t care than to make them worry. Life had mostly gotten to normal. She would cry after 2am so they didn’t notice. They were good young women. And they supported her with her decision. Julia made it clear that he wasn’t violent or dangerous and based on the few interactions the roommates had with him, they would be alright. It would end soon.

She asked for help because she didn’t want to risk seeing him again. Even though his smell was all over the Summit Ice jacket she didn’t have the courage to throw away, she didn’t need to revive those memories and to create new ones. Hell, she didn’t even want to hear his name. It would trigger so many feelings in such intensity it made her nervous just to consider the possibility. The mere mention of it in passing made her weepy. She didn’t even call him by his name anymore. It was always “him”, “the guy”, “my ex”, but never his name. He had such a beautiful name.

Nathan.

Sleeping was always the most difficult part. Putting her head on a pillow and trying to rest, but seeing him every time she closed her eyes. Not having a second, warm body around. She slept on a single bed, but she still longed for his body near her. The wound took time to heal, and after a week, two weeks, three weeks, four weeks, it seemed like it wouldn’t go away. She hid their pictures together from her camera roll, she changed her wallpapers because they were all pictures of him him, and she dismissed the recommendations of his shows on her streaming apps. She wanted to desperately forget how he looked like, even though he was engraved in her mind. But there was one thing that came through her head every day since they had separated and still continued to bother her a month later.

Did he cry like she did?

Chapter Text

She was everywhere.

It wasn’t her of course. But he liked to think it was. A glimpse of dark brown curly hair blowing with the wind. The same pair of headphones Conan gave her and that she took everywhere. A flash of chocolate brown eyes that would dissipate in a second because they weren’t hers. And no one could really be compared to her, because he hadn’t met anyone like her in his forty something years of life. He came back home to his cats after daydreaming of meeting her once again, and in his tired mind, even his cats missed her. Everything was just better when she was around. But just like in his other relationships, he managed to push her away. It seemed like self sabotage at that point. Like he didn’t deserve the happiness his parents had, and his other friends had. He had so many friends who were married, and their marriages seemed to be long and happy. But he didn’t have that. He had stopped looking for a partner and focused on his work. The irony was that the lovers had met because of work. And as quickly as she appeared, she went away. Blaming himself wouldn’t do much, neither talking to his therapist about it.

Nathan still talked about his failed marriage during therapy. It was a big turning point in his life, and something he hadn’t completely gotten over. He wanted a happy life with a partner, he wanted kids. He had divorced more than a decade ago, and the idea of getting married again worried him. He wanted to be ready, committed, and he wanted to avoid the same mistakes he made in his first marriage. He didn’t try again immediately because he had to get over his insecurities about it. It was better for him to wait. He had avoided that kind of heartbreak for long, until he met Julia. He couldn’t say no to her, perhaps his biggest flaw. He wanted her so badly, not her body, but her being. Mind and soul. He knew everything happened way too fast, but he was taken by her entirely. He asked her to stay over time and time again, his heart was aching for it. He knew he was damaged and not good to be around, but her presence seemed to soothe every pain he had ever felt in his life. She was an angel, flesh and blood.

The day she left was perhaps the most painful day he had experienced since his divorce. He was unable to move, he was unable to elaborate. He had so much to say, but so little time. She had a mental breakdown in front of him, and anything he could do would probably make it worse. He had just showered, and he was wrapped in a towel, watching her leave. Even if he did run after her naked, what would be the point? She knew it was a rehearsal, and she felt betrayed. It was something he didn’t consider until he saw the disappointment in her face. She was very expressive, which made it worse to witness. Besides that, her reaction showed how much she liked him, the intensity of her suffering made it clear how much she was invested in that relationship. Everything he objectively typed on that file to help him with the rehearsal probably looked cold and detached to her. She asked him why before leaving. She asked him why, and he couldn’t answer. He couldn’t even answer to himself why. He only knew he had lost someone he cared deeply about. Her last impression was probably that he was a dick, and he couldn’t blame her for that. He was in fact insensitive… for everything that happened.

He still had one of the jackets she wore to go to work. The jacket she was wearing the day prior to that mess. It smelled like her. He put it away from his clothes so he wouldn’t wear it, and lose her scent forever. He treasured everything she had left behind because he knew that sooner or later she would come back for her stuff, probably the last time he’d see her. It was a considerable amount of clothes, hair and skin care products. The last traces of her smell that he could still appreciate. There was also a chance that she would never come back, but convincing himself that she would made life easier to go by. He would always sleep thinking about her. He dreamed about her, her kisses and the weight of her head resting over his chest. It was how he heard her giggles and her voice. It was such a sad way to remember someone. Torturing himself with the memories in a month of radio silence. She would never forgive him. Why would she? What did he have to offer to her instead of a insecure mess of anxiety and self doubt? She deserved so much more than that. She deserved someone who made her happy. He wanted her back, but the only thing he had was the delusion she had never left. At least until morning when he woke up and realized she wasn’t there anymore.

It all happened very quickly. It wasn’t even a proper breakup. Nathan never convinced himself that it wasn’t real, because of how brutal it was. There wasn’t a talk moment, it wasn’t even a conversation. She had left in tears and he couldn’t stop her, not physically and neither with reasoning. His anxiety made everything worse. He felt so useless letting her go. It would hurt so much less if they had talked about it. He realized there wasn’t really anything to talk about. Even telling her that his feelings were genuine and that she meant more to him than any other woman he had gone out on dates earlier that year, it wouldn’t change the fact that he indeed asked her out as part of a rehearsal for his own gain, and that he had annotations on her, their relationship and behavior. She had every reason in the world to feel like a guinea pig. It was his wrongdoing that he wasn’t able to fix. He missed her badly because he knew he wouldn’t see her again, not in good terms at least. There was no coming back from that. Even in the deepest of his delusions, he still knew the chances of seeing a smile on her face while engaging with him were zero. He had hurtful memories to remember her by, and nothing could change that. He still went on with the rehearsal, trying in a twisted way to get something positive off it.

-

The Fielder Method, coined and developed by Nathan himself, consisted in hiring actors for rehearsals and asking them to learn as much as they could about a real person, so they could mimic their expressions and reactions while acting. It was useful when someone needed to rehearse an outcome for a situation and they needed to be prepared for every single response possible, being a positive, a negative or a neutral response. He had unlimited HBO money to hire these people and pay them, and he used them wisely. All of them had to sign non-disclosure agreements, which prohibited them to tell the target about the objective of the method. He had done that in every single rehearsal of his and this one wouldn’t be different. He knew that this would happen eventually as he first considered the concept of that particular rehearsal. What he didn’t know was how much it would hurt to go through with it. He supervised the casting, which meant he had to think about Julia and revive the best and the worst that had happened, over and over again.

“Why?”, she asked.

She was crying copiously. Tears streaming down her reddish face. It was so heartbreaking.

“It’s not what you think it is.”

“Then what is it?”

He felt uncomfortable, like it was supposed to be. Wet and wrapped in a towel, he had to have an answer and he had to answer quickly.

“It’s a rehearsal, and I’m sorry,” Nathan said, “but what I feel for you is not.”

She shook her head, and it did look like the news affected her badly. He stepped forward, and stood closer to her, still standing.

“I didn’t mean for you to find out… like this.”

“Oh, so you hid it from me?”, Julia said, “what was your plan?”

He sat beside her. The way she talked, so aggressively, made him dizzy. He hated confrontation, but there was no way he could run away from that. He had to explain it as clear and as honestly as possible.

“I had no plan,” he shook his head, “I just wanted to know why my relationships don’t work.”

“There’s therapy for that,” she replied.

“I already go to therapy,” he said.

“Well, it doesn’t seem to be working, does it?”, she clapped back, seething.

Nathan closed his eyes and sighed, “okay, that’s too far.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” the actress said, with her palms directed at him, as if trying to soothe the situation, “I just…”

“It’s not your fault,” he smiled at her, sadly, “we should take a break, thank you.”

He knew there wasn’t much to that rehearsal, except for coping. He was sitting on a couch that looked just like his, in a fake replica of his own living room built on a sound stage, and he had cameras everywhere following that particular discussion. He was wearing his underwear underneath the towel because as faithful as he wanted that recreation to be, he didn’t want to be completely naked in front of someone else. That situation was already embarrassing, and it shouldn’t be worse. The actress had dark brown curly hair, brown eyes, full lips. She was wearing same clothes as Julia did. Not her own clothes, but the same brand and style. The perfume was also the same, which he had to order from Brazil. It was complete insanity and he knew it. It still wasn’t enough to pretend it was really her, and that she was listening to him, but it was all he got. He would do it over and over again, because he didn’t say what he wanted to say the day Julia left, and he knew perhaps he would never have the chance to talk to her again.

“Why?”

Nathan shook his head, “this is out of context.”

“What could the context possibly be, Nathan?”, she was devastated.

“I’m very sorry,” he said, “I really am.”

“I have…”

“Please, let me finish,” he said, softly. She went silent.

Nathan looked down. He knew it wasn’t really Julia. If he looked at her in the eyes, then it would all be wasted. He just wanted to pour his heart out, what he couldn’t say when Julia went away, and what he was always supposed to say.

“You changed my life in so many ways, in such little time,” he began, “I never thought I could feel what I feel for you for someone else.”

The actress continued to watch Nathan. He was clearly uncomfortable, and his voice was pained, way more than the other times they had rehearsed that. He refused to look up, and she decided to wait and hear him go on. As they rehearsed, and he was the director, he made it clear that she should work around anything that happened, and to make it believable. It really seemed like he needed to get this out of his chest.

“I didn’t mean to break your heart, but I did,” he sighed, “I regret it, but I would never, ever regret meeting you.”

She didn’t know what to say. It was too deep and too real. It felt like he was about to cry, but he never did. She took her hand to his hair in a way to soothe him, and he looked up and smiled.

“Are you okay?”, she said, breaking character entirely, the accent that had been consistent now was blatantly different.

He nodded, “yeah.”

Olivia was an actress who had lived in the Los Angeles area for a while. She came from Mexico and had some parts here and there as an extra in horror movies, ads, and her life was pretty much stable, even though she had to share a tiny apartment with two other roommates. When the opportunity of being in an HBO show came on, she accepted it right away. She was surprised to know she would work with Nathan Fielder, and she was glad to be part of that rehearsal. He was clear that the rehearsal would probably not air, but she would be credited in some way and she would be paid, of course. She knew how the show worked being a fan of it, and she knew that rehearsal would be a tangent to a much bigger thing. He asked her if she was aware of the Fielder Method, and told her about the person she had to mimic and play. A woman named Julia, who worked for Team Coco in their Larchmont office.

Olivia managed to find some things about Julia. She was Brazilian, autistic and she was shy at first, but an extrovert after further conversation. They ended up having brief chats when Julia went out to lunch, and Olivia noticed she looked a bit sad most of the time. She didn’t want to press Julia for info, because they barely knew each other, but it was clear as day she had taken an emotional blow. Olivia would report to Nathan afterwards each time she talked to Julia, and besides the brands she used, the makeup and the clothes, Olivia would always say she remained sad throughout the conversation. Julia looked and felt better some days, but the sadness seemed to be always there. Olivia knew that there was a lot to that story that she didn’t know, but she kept quiet. When they started rehearsing, Olivia suspicions turned into reality: that was Nathan’s own rehearsal. She waited until the last day of filming that particular scene to talk to him about it.

“Nathan?” Olivia asked, “can I talk to you for a second?”

He was really kind and nice. He had a clear vision about how the scene had to look, and how Olivia should be styled and the words she had to say. He wasn’t really strict about the improv as the dialogue went on, but there were some specific phrases and expressions that had to be on the scene. He only asked that she never left before the scene was over. Olivia thought it was weird, because leaving should be an option, if they were exploring every possibility. She wanted to ask him why, but since he was the director, she decided not to. They probably rehearsed up to ten times, with different results. Sometimes she forgave him, sometimes she didn’t. It had really started to take a toll on him, because he kept to himself most that the time, but when they rehearsed the last time he seemed so done. She waited for him as he went away to put some clothes on. She just wanted to give him advice.

“Sorry for that,” Nathan said, “thanks for your help, Olivia.”

“Thank you for the opportunity,” Olivia said, “I hope you got what you wanted.”

“Pretty much, yeah,” he smiled, but his eyes showed his sadness, “solid work.”

“Look…”, she said, a bit uncertain on how to proceed, but going for it anyway, “I know that there was something between you and Julia.”

He remained silent. He wanted to know the direction she was taking.

“She never really told me, but I know she’s hurt,” Olivia said.

Nathan sighed. He really didn’t want to go into it, but at that moment he couldn’t really deny it.

“And you’re hurt, especially by how you reacted on our last scene together.”

“I…”, he still didn’t know what to say. His voice came out weak.

“I just want to say that it was nice working with you…”, Olivia continued, “but please don’t use that as a coping mechanism.”

“You’re right,” he said, almost whispering.

“I’m sorry about the therapy thing,” said Olivia, “it was uncalled for.”

Nathan shook his head, “it’s fine, you said what you needed to say.”

They shook hands. Nathan knew that his little experiment would end soon, and reviving the worst thing that happened to him in a while wasn’t a health choice in the long run. He took all of his stuff and went home to his cats once again. They were fed, they had their needs met, but still, the apartment had that somber, empty feeling to it. No more “hey baby” and hugs or happy music coming from somewhere on the house while she was doing something. He sat on the couch, emotionally drained and pained. He thought about the smile on her face when she gave him the Lana Del Rey vinyl. He didn’t have time to play it, as he was still writing the new idea for the third season of the Rehearsal. It was still on its plastic cover, but it was already open since Lana had autographed it. He took it off its casing and put it on his record player. He let it play and fittingly, the first song on side A perfectly illustrated how he felt about himself, and how his relationships had fallen flat. He took his shoes off and sat on the couch as he heard the piano sound all over the living room. He leaned back and closed his eyes, wishing she was there. Wishing that he could touch her hair and smell it. Wishing that he could hear her sweet voice and wishing to erase the yelling and the crying out of their last day together out of his mind. The emptiness of that apartment was unbearable, not because he wanted someone else to be there, but it was because he wanted her. His cats laid beside his feet, he could feel the warmness of their fluffy bodies. In a way, the normal life Nathan lived before Julia just seemed wrong. He wanted her back, more than anything.

Goddamn, man child

You fucked me so good that I almost said, "I love you"

You're fun and you're wild

But you don't know the half of the shit that you put me through

Your poetry's bad and you blame the news

But I can't change that and I can't change your mood

’Cause you're just a man

It's just what you do

Your head in your hands

As you color me blue

Yeah, you're just a man

All through and through

Your head in your hands

As you color me blue

Chapter Text

“Hey, you finally got your wish. We’re doing Nathan Fielder tomorrow.”

Julia smiled at Bley, who also seemed really excited. She dreaded to hear Nathan's name. She wished she didn’t suggest him as a guest. She had forgotten that she did, and the scheduled recording would take place in the worst time possible. None of her coworkers knew about the relationship, Conan knew that Julia had broken up with someone recently, but didn’t know it was Nathan either. She just had to sit there and take it. She went home dreading to have to see him the next day. She didn’t want to ask for another day off, because her boss gave her one week to work from home and it was already such a nice offering. She didn’t cry as much anymore, one and a half months later she could just carry on without much trouble. She knew she didn’t look as happy and bubbly as before, and deep inside she was grateful that people understood and respected her, enough to give her space to deal with whatever she was feeling.

She got her stuff back from him, her roommates gave him the spare key of the apartment, and every single belonging was returned safely. It was so heartbreaking to realize it wasn’t enough. He was in every day life, even not being physically there. The food she ate, the things she did, the music she listened to. Blocking Nine Inch Nails on music platforms would not erase the fact that he loved them and that their music would always be a reminder of his taste. Eating sushi and watching movies wasn’t the same without him. She would think of him while doing these things and it would ruin the mood. She couldn’t be alone with her thoughts because he would always creep in. The worst part was that she missed the cats. Rocket was a sweetheart, cozying up to her as she started to spend nights at Nathan’s apartment. Jackie had trouble eating and they ended up finding out that it was because he had changed the brand of cat food and she didn’t like it, after a rather expensive vet visit. They were so lovely, and calm. It was like she had lost part of a family that would never come back.

Nathan came in early in the afternoon. Julia was the one who took the majority of pics of the guests for social media, but she asked Bley to kindly trade places with her for this one. She would do that sometimes so he didn’t pay any mind. She tried to isolate herself as much as possible knowing Nathan had arrived. She was about to come in to the recording studio when she caught a glimpse of him. He didn’t seem to see her, so she turned and walked away. He was wearing a dark gray hoodie and a light gray shirt, blue jeans and New Balance sneakers as he always did. It was ridiculous to run away from someone like that, but she had no idea of what he was going to say, and how she would react to hear his voice once again. It was better that way. She was distressed and he would probably be distressed if he saw her, and he needed to be able to talk to Conan and promote The Rehearsal and talk comedy without that burden. They mutually admired each other’s work as Nathan had already mentioned before, and despite Nathan’s introversion, they would probably get along quite well in that format.

[music]

N: Hi, my name is Nathan Fielder…

[music]

N: …and I feel grateful for being Conan O’Brien's friend.

C: Oh, that’s so nice, that’s so sweet.

Fall is here, hear the yell

Back to school, ring the bell

Brand new shoes, walking blues

Climb the fence, books and pens

I can tell that we are gonna be friends

I can tell that we are gonna be friends

She didn’t really need to listen to them talk. It hurt too much. She wasn’t invited to the recording anyway, and she had stuff to do. She sat on her desk with the pair of headphones Conan had given her. They had very good noise cancelation and they helped her feel like she was disappearing as she couldn’t just do it in reality. She had to maintain her posture but she felt like curling up in a ball. Lying on the floor like a loser in fetal position wouldn’t make the uncomfortableness go away, but it would sure make her feel better. He would probably go away soon, as he hated being around too many people. Bley could just stop him to talk about The Rehearsal, but it wouldn’t last long. She put some music on and started to work on some promos for live shows, trying to have them made by the end of the afternoon. Half way through, she saw someone coming through the door. They had probably knocked, and she didn’t hear it. Bley waved and she took her headphones off.

“Hey, Nathan wants to see you,” said Bley, and Nathan came in, hands in his hoodie’s pockets.

“Oh, thanks for telling me, Bley,” Julia smiled at him.

“See you tomorrow,” Bley smiled, “thanks for coming, Nathan.”

Nathan nodded and smiled, as Bley went away. He turned to Julia and she had dropped the smile. She was visibly annoyed to see him there. He felt his heart beat faster, so happy to see her and so afraid of her reaction. He did rehearse the scenario of telling her how he felt, trying to remake that particular moment in time that she went away. But he didn’t rehearse that situation. She looked so angry that it seemed like at any given second she would jump him. He’d never seen her that pissed off. During his rehearsal, the actress portrayed sadness and betrayal, with tears, but not the kind of feeling Julia was displaying. Her nostrils were flared, and she was huffing. The way she switched from bubbly happiness to genuine anger would be incredible if it was directed to anyone but him. They stared at each other for a couple of seconds, which felt like years. He decided to speak, not knowing how it would come out.

“I’m… Julia…”, his voice sounded weak and it faded away as he said her name.

“What?”, she said, the frown still there.

“I want to talk to you,” he said, carefully.

“And what more could you possibly say?”, she asked, and her voice cracked.

He felt awful. Her angry face was a bit scary, but it wasn’t worse than hearing in her voice how heartbroken she was.

“I’m sorry,” he said. She looked away from him, still frowning and her eyes were watering. “I’m so sorry.”

She nodded, while still looking away, “you’re forgiven.”

She was so beautiful, but she also looked so broken. They both looked a bit worse since everything had happened. Not really in appearance - she still had beautiful, soft curly hair, but he wished he saw her big brown eyes without such sadness. She was wearing a black Conan shirt, jeans and her favorite Converse sneakers. They were uncomfortably far apart. He just wanted to be in her arms again.

“I miss you terribly,” he said, almost whispering.

“It’s been a month and a half,” the tears started falling down her face.

“I miss you every single day,” he sighed.

She looked directly at him. He had never been that intimidated before. He knew that was his fault and his inability to communicate better. Her only fault lied in trusting him with her whole heart. It was difficult to face someone that hurt, and part of him just wanted to run away from the Team Coco building in Larchmont to never come back. The cowardly move had saved him before, lots of times before. All of the fears he couldn’t face were mostly left behind. But he wanted to face that one, because he wanted her back. She was worth every discomfort he was feeling, she was worth every single pain he could go through. He would never ever want her to feel what she was feeling again. She was now crying profusely, sobbing and looking at him with unusual intensity. He knew she would say unpleasant things, and he probably deserved what she had to say back to him.

“Have you…”, she started, in between sobs, “have you ever been asked out… as a joke?”

His eyes widened. That seemed like such a random question, that almost immediately became hurtful as he thought about high school in Vancouver and the jokes about his weirdness, his nerdiness, his voice, his mannerisms. He knew what the sensation was. He knew he wasn’t the first choice of the pretty girls, and it didn’t change at all during college. He was overtaken by some kind of sadness and emptiness he hadn’t felt since he was a teenager. He thought about everything - the sports he wasn’t good at, the boys he couldn’t fight against, trying to laugh at jokes directed at him as if they didn’t hurt him like daggers. He empathized with her, not just because it stung, but because he had so much more to offer, like she did. And it downed on him that she felt that he was like the people who had laughed at him in the past.

Nathan shook his head, not to deny he had been asked, but to deny that he was making fun of Julia. All of the confusion and the dormant pain that came back like a tsunami, made his eyes water. He hadn’t cried in years, for any reason, and that was the worst thing he’d been accused of. To be compared to the people who hurt him repeatedly and nuked his confidence. It was so hard to admit that in a way, she was right. Seeing that from her perspective, after reading his notes, the whole thing sure looked like a social experiment. He couldn’t hold the tears back, shaking his head. The things that happened to him as a teen and as a young adult came back to haunt him in his forties. It felt like a healed wound had been gruesomely ripped open again. He shook his head like he wanted to wake up from a horrible nightmare.

“Have you?”, she asked again, to which he started nodding.

“I would never…”, he sobbed.

“But you did,” she said, her voice coming out in a whine, “you did.”

“It’s not the same…”, he said, his voice cracking. She interrupted him.

“When I was fifteen…”, she sniffled, “there was… this popular guy… always hitting on me.”

Nathan was awkwardly sobbing, hunched in a terrible posture, still listening to her.

“He’d ask me out… then he’d laugh with his friends. I would laugh with him, trying not to feel more humiliated. I didn’t even like him.”

“I would agree as a joke,” she wiped her nose with her hand, “but joking back doesn’t work when you’re a loser. Everybody just ended up either mocking me or feeling sorry for me.”

Nathan put his hands over his face and wiped his eyes. His nose and his cheeks were flushed, his eyes were reddish. He was crying like a child. In a way, at that moment, he was. He was that same kid that was picked on and humiliated. And she was the autistic child that was singled out for being weird.

“He’s dead now,” she concluded, “and I sure don’t miss him.”

She wiped her eyes, “you made me feel like the loser I was in high school.”

He looked down and sniffled.

“I’m the loser who fell for a comedian that in a normal situation I would never have a chance with,” she admitted, to which he frowned.

“What do you have to say about that?”, she asked, her nose was so stuffed that she sounded nasal.

“You’re not a loser,” he said, “and it hurts me to know I made you feel like that.”

She observed as he closed his eyes and visited one of the most traumatic periods in his life. He knew it would happen eventually, but he didn’t know how or when. He hadn’t been completely honest to her, and he needed to be if he could ever ask for forgiveness. He had hidden stuff for her for four months, which made her believe that their relationship was built in lies. He would regret not trying and not telling her. Nathan was never the best at facing his demons, but demons had a peculiar course of action: they never asked when, how, or which way they would destroy a person’s life. He took all the courage left in his body to open himself up to her. She deserved to know.

“I had never… told you about my divorce,” he said, a huge amount of pain in his voice.

Julia sniffled, and he kept going.

“I…”, he looked down, “I don’t like confrontation. That’s just how I am.”

Julia sighed, and looked up, her face hurt for crying so hard. Another excuse not to stare at him for long. She had such confusing feelings.

“I never had this kind of problem at work,” his voice sounded stuffed and nasal.

He started to look past her to nothingness, as if reliving the moments of his failed relationship.

“But with my partners it was completely different,” he wiped his nose.

She looked at him, as he got lost in his thoughts.

“When I got married, she made the decisions and I agreed with her,” he cleared his throat.

He sighed, “she’d ask for my opinions and I would say that whatever made her happy would make me happy.”

At that point they had stopped crying, but their voices were still muffled and their faces flushed. She was paying extra attention to what he was saying.

“She couldn’t take these decisions on her own, she needed me to weigh in. I thought that by agreeing with her, we would avoid fights, and keep the peace,” he tried to take a deep breath, which was difficult with a stuffed nose.

“I only stopped when she left. I was taken down by my biggest flaw,” he admitted to her out loud, and most importantly, to himself.

“You know I’m in therapy, and I’ve been in therapy since that moment,” he looked back at her.

Julia went silent. She wanted to be snippy, she wanted to be mean. But she couldn’t. It was a fact that she cared too much about him to ever hurt him with words. He had no reason to be there crying for her, because he could easily move on if he wanted to. She had already forgiven him, with all her heart. She knew if they ever met again, it would be emotional. She didn’t know how to handle it. It was clear that he had been hurt in the past and that some of his behavior was trauma related. But was it really a good excuse for what he had done?

“Did you rehearse this?”, Julia asked.

He took two long steps toward her, to close the gap between them. It was symbolic, the way they were far apart until now. Two months prior they were sharing popcorn, cuddling in bed and watching horror movies. Nothing more devastating than seeing a lover become a stranger. She stood in place, not moving away from him, unconsciously letting him end the distance between their bodies.

“Not this,” he said, “not what I’m about to say.”

“Nathan…”

He took a key out of his back pocket.

“Come back home,” he extended his palm to show her the spare key she had returned, “the cats miss you.”

It made her want to cry again, as she missed them as well.

“It’s your home, our home,” he smiled, still looking like he was about to cry once again.

Julia hesitated. She took a short pause, and Nathan understood why. It was too much to take in so fast.

“You really hurt me,” she said, and it seemed like the tears wanted to flow again, “you know that, right?”

“I do,” he nodded.

He didn’t know how to express what he was feeling. He knew it was too fast, and the uncertainty of his feelings almost pushed her away. In a way she was still away, but just half a feet away. He knew if he didn’t say what he needed to say, she would give up. There was a big chance that she would.

“You made me the happiest I’ve ever been in almost ten years,” he nodded, not just to her, but to encourage himself to keep going, “and I enjoyed every single second I spent with you.”

He gave her a sad smile. She knew it was difficult for him to say things like that.

“I want to spend many more,” he sighed, “for a long time.”

It was visible how much of a burden was to keep these words to himself. He was a brilliant comedian, albeit a shy and introverted person. He never really seemed to be distant or inattentive, he had his own ways to show love. In a way, she regretted not hearing what he had to say the day she went away, but the time they spent apart made him reevaluate everything wrong with his approach. It also confirmed that she missed him as much. She would cry a lot because she was still hurt, even after forgiving him. It was so scary to think how strong her feelings were, and at that moment she chose to follow her heart. There wasn’t a single hint of dishonesty in his words, his demeanor or his face. She would never force extroversion out of him, or to behave differently than he did. That was him, completely exposed and uncomfortable, expressing how much he wanted her back. She couldn’t say no, not because of any kind of pressure, but because she didn’t want to say no. Her body and her mind would always say yes.

“Boohoo, Fielder,” she said, in such a weird way that made both laugh, “let’s get something to eat.”