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“Père Stephen,” Penélope asks, having gotten him and Jon together on the leather sofa in the front parlor, “Père Steve told us that you’ve known Maman longer than anyone.”
Stephen sits back, crosses his legs and holds his hands in his lap. “Uh, yeah, that’s correct, my dear. Although it did take a little while before your mom finally gave into my charms.”
Jon snorts, then takes a sip of his coffee. “Oh man, was that a debacle for more than a while.”
Stephen pushes his glasses up his nose. “I was running a long game, for sure.”
“That’s not how I remember it, my friend. You were desperate as hell for months, trying to convince her to finally marry you—”
“Oh yeah, well, I seem to recall you having a hell of a time actually consummating your marriage, sir.”
Jon’s face falls, and he mimes “time out” with his hands. “Whoa, from your mouth to God’s ears,” he says, quickly nodding toward the girls.
Perdita and Penélope both squint at them, shrug.
“So how did you meet her?” Perdita asks.
“On the show,” Stephen says. “I was a regular on it before Jon came on. And she didn’t even really like Jon at first.”
“For reals?” Perdita asks, jaw dropped. “What happened?”
“He cried under his desk,” Stephen snaps.
Jon blushes, elbows him gently. “He’s not wrong, to be honest, but yeah, it was right after 9/11 and I was sad and her heart went out to me, so to speak. From then on, she depended on me every night for years to make her laugh.”
“I helped,” Stephen adds, raising his hand as if in a classroom. “She depended on both of us and still does.”
“Conan helped out too, to be fair.”
“Well, of course.”
“During the Writers Strike in 07-08, she couldn’t get enough of the three of us, and we delivered big time.”
“That’s when she finally married me,” Stephen says. “She said she would once the strike was over and she was as good as her word.”
Penélope and Perdita exchange looks, roll their eyes, but smile all the same.
“What about Uncle Joliver?” Perdita asks.
“Yeah, what about him? He’s around a lot more than Maman’s other boyfriends,” Penélope adds.
“Oh well, that was my doing,” Jon says. “I left the show for one summer and he hosted all by his lonesome. He quickly became one of her favorites. And now look at him.”
“Will they ever get married?” Perdita asks, genuinely puzzled.
“Oh well Joliver and your mom have a very special bond, they don’t need to get married,” Jon says.
“But she doesn’t need to marry anyone, really,” Perdita says matter-of-factly. “Auntie Tilly says she is fine by herself.”
Jon and Stephen blink at each other, then nod in unison. “True,” they say.
“But she loves so many people,” Perdita continues, batting her eyelashes comically. “Tilly says she falls in love a lot.”
“That she does,” Stephen agrees. “She does love having us around. I think she marries us to make sure we hang around.”
“Are you in love like Papa and Papi?” Penélope asks with a wink.
Jon and Stephen stare at each other a moment, smiling. Then Stephen takes Jon’s hand and holds it on his knee. “Whaddya say, darling? Are we not in love in some ways?”
Jon chuckles and turns to the girls. “Short answer: no, we’re not in love like Denis and Ryan. They’re really in love. Which is super sweet and we love that for them. But Stephen and I, we’re… we’re buddies.”
“Best buddies,” Stephen says, now wrapping an arm around Jon’s shoulders and kissing him on the cheek. “Madam loves that about us.”
“She does.”
“Aweeee,” Perdita says, “We love you too. It’s good to have some silly husbands.”
Penélope nods. “Yes, when I grow up I want to have at least one silly husband because they makes things extra fun.”
Stephen chuckles. “Oh do you already have some ideas?”
“Penny loves Pedro! Penny loves Pedro!” Perdita blurts.
Penélope blushes and crosses her arms over her chest in a slight huff. “I don’t love him like that! He’s very talented and very nice!”
“You like his hair!”
“So what?”
“So everything!”
“Alright, kids, let’s not get distracted,” Jon says, waving one hand. “Stephen, what are you doing, instigating such things?”
Stephen shrugs. “Excuse me if I’m curious about our daughters, Jon. If we’re to protect them from jerks, we need to vet their crushes. Like we do with Madam.”
“Who vetted Pedro?”
“The whole internet vetted Pedro. Pretty sure if anyone had anything on him it would have been front page news already. But Denis invited him to stop by.”
“Oh, really? Denis? Huh.”
Perdita clears her throat, checks her notes. “Père Jon, is it true that you gave birth once, like Père Denis did?”
Jon pauses, glances at Stephen, who offers nothing but tightened lips. Jon sighs. “This has to be off the record, girls, so could you just switch off the camera?”
Penélope immediately complies, then walks around to stand next to Perdita’s chair. Both of them stare at Jon, rapt.
“Thank you… Alright, I’ll level with you a little. I’m pretty sure your mom won’t mind me telling you this. But it’s a little touchy, so don’t ask her too much, OK?”
The girls lean forward eagerly, nodding and crossing their hearts.
“Yes, I got brain pregnant, and I had a big headache and out popped a little boy one day.”
Penélope gasps. “We have a brother?”
“Well, not really, sweetheart, that’s all in the past,” Jon says, not without a little nostalgia in his tone. “There were quite a few… siblings… running around for a while there, but then there was the big pause, and a lot of things were, I don’t know, reset.”
“Your mom gave birth to the rest of them,” Stephen adds. “But there’s one big difference between all of the others and you two.”
“What is that?” Perdita asks, her eyes wide.
Stephen looks to Jon, who gives him a nod, then he says “You were both born of the heart. The others weren’t… originals, I guess you’d call them. You girls are entirely new. You belong entirely to the Manse.”
“Which has never happened before,” Jon says, smiling. “It was a… very big deal that you arrived. We did not see it coming. And we’ve known her the longest. Maybe Steve suspected something, perhaps, but pfft… you two are genuine miracles.”
Penélope and Perdita look to each other, blinking in wonderment, then they turn back to their dads, dumbstruck.
Stephen reaches over and pats Perdita’s knee. “Now promise not to run to your mom and barrage her with all sorts of questions. She’s very sensitive about this, you know. You can ask us things if you want, but leave her be.”
“We promise,” Perdita says sincerely. “Right, Pen?”
Penélope nods vehemently. “We won’t say a word.”
“Don’t think she doesn’t want you to know all this,” Jon says. “We all asked her how much we were allowed to say on camera, and while some things were off limits, other things she just prefers you not include in the movie. Does that make sense?”
Penélope walks over and sits on the couch between her dads, takes their hands and clasps them in her lap, then smiles up at each of them in turn. “Merci infiniment, mes péres.”
Perdita sets aside her notes and gets up, stands before the three of them, then leans in and tries to hug them all at once. “Yes, thank you so very much. You answered questions we didn’t even have on our list yet.”
Stephen and Jon melt into the quadruple hug for a bit, and when they look up at each other, they notice the tears in each of their eyes.
“You’re your mama’s girls alright,” Stephen says, sniffling. “You’re the greatest gift she’s ever given us.”