Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was a warm spring night in Highland, Texas, and our heroes had finally returned home after a long journey through time and space. The special agents had already left, but promised to come back the very next day. And the day after. And the day after that one, too. There was plenty of work to be done, after all.

The duo sat down on the uncanny, brand-new bright red couch, right next to what once was their house's front entrance. Butthead couldn't wait to finally catch some Z’s. Beavis, on the other hand, was still livid after tonight’s events. He frantically moved his arms, complaining about his smarter counterpart.

“Damn it, I can't believe it..!!!! That British dude, he, like, took her away!!”

“Settle down, Beavis!!! I'm trying to sleep.”

“I… I loved her…”

“Huh huh…. Serena sucks.”

“Shut up, asswipe!!! She… She's cool! Heh.”

“She's a slut.”

“Damn it, Butthead!!!! She's NOT!!!!”

“Eh…” It's not like this discussion would take them anywhere. “...Alright. Huh huh. Uh, like, good night, dude.”

A few minutes went by. Beavis was still awake, he couldn't stop thinking about Serena. Her sugary scent, her shimmering smile, all the memories they could have built together… Oh, she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. It was not fair!!

He covered his distraught face with a throw pillow, held by two shaking, cold hands.

“AAAAAGHHH!!!!” He let out a muffled cry, loud enough to wake his friend up. “That's not fair!!!! That's not..!!!”

“Ugh, damn it, Beavis!! Can't you, like, shut up???”

“I miss her… Hm heh… I'll never love again...”

“Huh huh… Love.”

In Butthead’s own, twisted world, “love” and “lust” were interchangeable. What's the point of going through the ups and downs of a relationship when you could just go and score? Score… Now that's what real men should care about! Unlike all those wussies whose greatest desire is to hold hands and snuggle and kiss the same person until the end of their lives.

And that’s exactly what Beavis was: a wuss.

“...Ugh.”

Wasn't love supposed to be cool? Butthead couldn't quite wrap his mind around it. It didn't make any sense! It didn't!!!

“Eh… Hey, Beavis, huh huh. What's so special about Serena?”

The boy’s eyes widened as a large and bright smile spread across his face. He threw the pillow away, in excitement.

“Heh heh hm… She's, like, cool. And um… Hot. Heh. Yeah, y’know what I mean, like…!!! Heh heh, her eyes and… Hair and… Heh, she was nice to me too, and I… I dreamed about her!!! Like..!!! Woah heh, yeah. Serena rules. Heh heh, um, how can you not see it, Butthead?”

“Uh…… I don't know. Huh huh huh.”

“...Heh, and now she's, like, gone. Forever, heh. Damn it.” He laid down on the couch again, devastated.

“Huh, uh…” For once, Butthead actually made an attempt to comfort him, in his own way. Even though he refused to acknowledge it, the past few hours made him realize how much he cared about his friend. “Settle down, dude. There’s, like… Lots of hot chicks out there, huh huh huh. And they're just… y'know, waiting to do it. Huh huh."

“Ohhh yeah, heh heh! You're ri- …...Wait. No, no. Damn it, Butthead!! That's, like, not the same thing, heh. You bunghole!!! I can't just, y'know, cheat on her, or something, heh.”

“Eh… Huh huh huh. Beavis, you're a dumbass!! That's why Serena… Uh, like, left you and stuff, huh huh.”

“Shut up, assmunch!!!! …Heh, you know what??? I’m getting tired of you, hm heh. Yeah” He retrieved the throw pillow from the floor and made himself comfortable. “Good night, heh.”

“Huh huh, dumbass…”

…..

….

…

..

.

“Heh heh heh, um… Hey, Butthead?”

“Uh, yeah?”

“I can't sleep.”

“Huh huh, you can't do anything.”

“Damn it!!! I'm, like, serious.”

“Eh… Just close your damn eyes!!!”

“Ohhh yeah, heh heh heh… Alright, heh. Good night, dude.”

…..

….

…

..

.

“Heh heh… Um, Butthead?”

“...”

“I'm hungry.”

“...Do I look like a kitchen to you??? Buttmunch.”

“Oh yeah!!! The kitchen!!! …Heh heh heh.” He got up from the couch as fast as possible and bursted into the kitchen, ready to rummage through the pantry. Butthead kept snickering to himself in the living room — Beavis never ceased to amuse him.

It didn't take long for a familiar voice to be heard from the next room.

“AAAAHHHHH!!!! BUTTHEAD!!!” He sprinted back to the couch, almost tripping over his own feet. “OUR FOOD!!!! IT'S…. IT'S GONE!!!!”

“Eh…” Butthead sat up straight as he was forced to make peace with the fact that he wouldn't be getting any sleep tonight. “Have you checked the fridge? Huh huh.”

“YEAH!!!! I… I did heh. IT'S ALL GONE!!!!!”

“Damn it, Beavis!!! Then go get us some food, asswipe!!!!!!”

“I'm too hungry, Butthead…” The boy threw himself into the ground. “Heh, see? …I'm dying, heh heh. Oh no… Heh, tell mom I love her.”

“Damn it, you buttknocker..!!! Get up right now before I kick your ass!!!”

“Goddammit, Butthead!!!! Heh, I've already told you to never call me that way!! …Assmunch.”

“Huh huh, uh… Alright, Beavis. Whatever you say, huh huh huh… You dumbass.” Butthead left the couch and walked towards the egregious crack on the wall, completely neglecting the door. “Eh… Let's rob someone, huh huh.”

“Yeah!!!! ….Heh heh, that's gonna be cool, heh.”

The duo walked around the neighborhood for a while but eventually got tired. Their plan was a massive failure.

“...Huh huh, this sucks.”

“Yeah, heh… Wait. Heh heh! Hey, Butthead! Look!!!!” He found something in his pocket: a Taco Bell coupon.

“...Woah!! Cool, huh huh.”

“.....Yeah, heh, like, I wanted to take Serena there, heh heh… But, um, y’know, heh…”

“Huh huh, she ditched you.”

“Heh, um… Oh well, I guess she did, heh, but… Damn it, Butthead!!! She had, like, her own reasons, okay??? …Heh. Ouch, heh heh. My heart… It still hurts.”

“Huh huh! …What a wuss!” Butthead snatched the coupon from his hand as they headed to Taco Bell. “We're there, dude!”

‘Why is he suffering so much because of THAT chick? She's not even that hot! Like, uh… Gina, huh huh…’ Butthead kept wondering, unable to fully understand what it was like. He tried to convince himself he couldn't care less, but the thought refused to leave his mind.

They finally arrived at the restaurant. A few workers chattered outside, but the place itself was entirely empty. Butthead confidently approached a red-haired young lady, handing her the coupon. 

“Uh… Hey, baby. Huh huh. Eh, do you, like, work here?” 

She looked annoyed, that's for sure, but still accepted the coupon. “Yeah. Can I help you boys, or……..… What the fuck……???”

“Huh huh! Check it out, dude, she said-”

“Alright, listen up! Is this a prank??? Your coupon expired in April 1998, “sir.” Now get out of here! SCRAM.” She sighed and entered the restaurant, followed by the other Taco Bell employees who definitely did not get paid enough to put up with this kind of thing.

“Hey, Butthead! Heh, where did that chick go?”

“Huh, damn it, Beavis!!!!! She kicked us out because of your dumbass ticket!!”

“Ohhh. Heh heh, um… But where's our food?”

“Damn it, dude…” Butthead crumpled the coupon and tossed it on the sidewalk. You could see the utter disappointment on his face. “Eh… C'mon, Beavis. Huh huh, let's go to Burger World.”

“Cool!! …Heh, do you think that manager guy will kick our asses? Because… Heh heh hm, y'know, Butthead, we didn't go to work today and stuff.”

“Huh huh, uh, that'd be cool. Huh, if he did.”

“Yeah!! I know, heh heh.”

The boys made their way to the fast food restaurant, arriving in no time. They were both awfully hungry.

They were warmly greeted by a smiley middle-aged man. “Oh! I didn't expect any customers at this time. Welcome, boys. Make yourselves at home.” He turned his back to them and went back to cleaning ketchup off a table. 

“Uh… Who are you???”

The man put the cleaning equipment aside and took off his glasses. “I'm the general manager. I'm sorry for not introducing myself properly.” He kept a comforting smile on his face as he approached the duo. “You know, it's been hard to keep this place going lately, since all of our employees resigned…” His head lowered in shame. “Well, how may I help you?”

“Heh heh, we're, like, HUNGRY, sir. Yeah, heh.”

“Haha, aren't we all? Sit down, kids, I'll take your order.”

“Uh, just give us some burgers already!!!”

“Yeah!!!!! And… And fries!! …FRIES, heh heh!!”

“All done! Burgers and french fries, a timeless classic.” He headed into the kitchen, bringing their food shortly after. “I like your energy! Say, what do you two think of working for me? We can discuss the details and-”

“Uh, can you, like, shut up? Huh huh, dumbass.”

“Yeah, heh heh, really. Heh, like, we already work here and stuff.”

“...Oh!! That's the spirit! Well done. Excuse me, I'll be right back…”

Beavis and Butthead devoured their delicious meal in no more than a couple minutes. They walked towards the counter as a major topic was brought up.

“Heh hm, um… Hey, Butthead. Heh heh. Do you, like, have any money? I've got, um… Heh heh heh, five bucks, yeah.” He held a single one-dollar bill between fingers.

“Uh…” Butthead checked his pockets for money, finding nothing but a few quarters. “Huh huh, yeah. We're rich, dude!”

The manager returned, typing fast on his smartphone. “...shift starts on Monday. Alright. Well, boys!! Any questions?”

“Eh… We’re, like, rich, or something, huh huh.” They proudly scattered their hard-earned money all over the counter. A single glance was enough for the man to realize that was, indeed, all they had. He accepted it anyway.

“Oh, my! That's a lot, thank you. See you next week, kids. Have a good night you two, your parents must be worried.”

“Heh heh, worried, heh. Um… Yeah, heh, mom is worried about me.”

“No way, dude! Huh huh, your mom, like, sucks more than a milkshake straw!!”

“Shut up, asswipe!!!”

They parted ways as the duo walked outside. They were exhausted and their legs were weak, but the boys still tried their best to keep their tired eyes open until they got home.

“Huh huh, finally…” Butthead sank himself deep into the couch, closing his eyes. The brunet was almost falling asleep, until he felt something being flung at him.

A throw pillow. Someone seemed to love those things.

“...Ugh.” He took it into his arms, against his will.

“Heh heh hm, good night, Butthead.”

“Huh huh. Good night, dude.”

It had been a long night for them. Little did they know that was just the beginning of a new chapter in their lives. A very special one…

Chapter Text

It was early in the morning when the NSA officials arrived at the grayish property. Sunrays flickered through the rose-tinted skies, leaving a trail of gold behind. Upon entering the living room, agent Metcalf approached the couch and turned on the lamp, followed by his coworker Mattison.

“Good morning, boys. Time to get up.”

Their eyes lazily fluttered open, unravelling a confused and dizzy look on their faces. “Eh… What?”

“There is no time to lose. We have a long day ahead of us.”

“...Wait, heh. What's going on??”

“You see…” Mattison explained as he handed them two sheets of paper. “We need you to fill in all the fields. Just a basic form.”

“Huh huh, you said fill.”

“Yeah! Fill, heh. Um… Hey, Butthead, what does it say?”

“Uh…” He squinted his eyes, trying to make something out of it. “Name… Uh, age….. Sex…!!! Huh huh, check it out, Beavis!!”

“Heh heh heh!!!! You said sex, heh!! …Cool, hm heh!”

The agents exchanged looks as they regretted their entire lives. Was this mission even worth it? Regardless, they were still given back the forms shortly after.

“Let's see… Beavis. Butthead. 15-year-olds. Sex… “Yes”...? What is that supposed to…???”

The boys proceeded to cackle even louder than usual, their laughs filling the entire room.

“We should give them credit for using aliases instead of their actual names.”

“Indeed, Metcalf. That's a surprisingly smart move coming from them.”

“...Coming, huh huh huh!!”

“Yeah!!!! Heh heh, boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!!!”

Both officials pretended not to hear the comment and silently escorted the unhinged teenagers outside. “See, boys” Metcalf spoke as the group entered the black van parked on the sidewalk. “We contacted a construction crew to fix your house.”

“For free. No need to thank us.”

“Yes. The NSA will take care of your bills from now on. Resuming, we’ll go shopping today, so your house can go back to looking exactly like it did back in 1998.”

“Just like you left it. Any questions?”

“Uh… Yeah” Butthead glanced at his friend, signaling him to pay attention. “Huh huh, can we, like, get our nachos back?”

“...Why not?”

“Woah! …Cool, heh heh.”

A few minutes went by and the group finally arrived at the big-box store, a broad, imposing and fairly recently built place. Mattison searched for a parking spot while Metcalf instructed the boys on what they were supposed to do. 

“Listen up. I've been a teenager before, I know how enthusiastic you must be. I can't stop you from roaming around. However, just make sure not to lose this” The man pulled a list full of checkboxes from his pocket and handed it to Butthead, walking away once the explanation was over.

“Heh heh, um… What do we need to do, again?”

“Eh… Who cares!! Huh huh, this place sucks.”

“Ohhh yeah, heh heh. IT SUCKS!!!!!! Heh.”

The duo took a shopping cart and walked down the corridor. Surrounded by a plethora of porcelain dishware coming from both sides, they strolled along the hallway until a turquoise bowl caught their attention.

“Woah!!! Butthead, look!!” Beavis rushed to pick up the object, astonished by its old-fashioned floral pattern. 

“Cool, huh huh!! Let's take it.” The item was thrown into the cart, a miracle away from breaking into a zillion pieces.

“Heh heh! Hey, Butthead, what about the nachos?”

“Uh… Oh yeah! Huh huh, let's see…”

There came an old couple in the distance and, for some unknown reason, Butthead decided to follow the same path as them. To Beavis’ surprise, it worked like a charm.

Upon entering the food aisle both were equally shocked by the amount of different products arranged before their eyes. The boys kept glancing at each other, unable to fully grasp the variety of colors, packages and flavors spiraling around, something they had never considered before. That's when it finally hit them: they weren't on a budget anymore. They could buy whatever they desired! God bless the NSA.

The duo sprinted across the hall, swiftly catching everything their eyes could possibly lay on — nachos included.

“Heh heh heh!!! Hey dude, this ROCKS!!!!”

“Huh huh, yeah!! Let's go back to the car, Beavis!”

As they made their way to the main entrance, the boys came across the government workers, who were instantly put off by the amalgamation of different products emerging from the shopping cart.

“...”

“Hey, heh heh. How's it going, sir?”

“...Where is the list?”

Eh… I, like, threw it away, or something, huh huh.”

“Oh yeah!!!! And then it hit that old dude and he, like, screamed at you, and stuff!! That was cool, hm heh heh.”

“You what???? ………Lord, good thing I always keep a copy on me…”

Mattison was given the second list as his coworker took the items to the checkout. “...Time to do some actual shopping, kids.”

The man crossed through the store in a rush and the teenagers were forced to keep up with his pace. Everything the NSA regarded important was sent right into the cart — that included plants, a curtain set and other smaller goods — while larger items and furniture were noted on a separate yellow sheet.

“We're almost done. Now, which coffee table should we get…”

Beavis inspected the options with utmost attention, although he couldn't quite recall whether he actually owned a coffee table or not. His state of trance came to an end once the blond noticed a cold touch against his arm.

“Huh huh. Hey, Beavis, check it out!” The boy followed his friend to the opposing aisle, in which they were greeted by dozens of glowing devices. Weirdly enough, they almost seemed like... TVs.

“W-Woah… Heh heh, cool!!!! Hey, Butthead, what are those things?”

“Uh… I don't know, huh huh” He approached one of the unknown objects and noticed a small tag hanging nearby. ‘Words suck.’ His eyes immediately met two familiar letters placed right next to each other. TV.

“.....Whoa!!! A TV!!!”

“What??? No way, dude!! Heh heh heh this thing is flat, heh!!! Yeah, and, like… Where are the antennas???”

“Eh…… Shut up, Beavis!!! TVs are cool.”

“Hm, ohhh yeah, heh heh! They sure are, heh…”

The second boy came closer to the modern flat screen oddity as well. Both were amazed at the variety of high definition displays around them, watching as millions of pixels danced together. Enchanted pictures arose one after another and two pairs of curious eyes kept track of their every move. They couldn't help but unconsciously wonder what else was there to explore.

“Beavis…” Although his mouth could speak, Butthead’s thoughts had long stopped flowing through his mind. The immaculate digital light had fully consumed him. “...This is the coolest day of my life, huh…”

“Yeah, heh… Me too…”

They eventually snapped out of it once their view was blocked by Mattison stepping in front of the TV.

“What are you doing?” It took him no more than a couple minutes to realize how intriguing present-day televisions could be for individuals who were sent into wormholes instead of naturally experiencing life as technology gradually evolved.

“Oh, so you like the TV. Very well, let's see…” The special agent walked further into the hallway, looking for the most appropriate device. “There it is, a brand-new Smart TV. Does 55” sound good to you?”

“Huh huh, woah!!! …Yeah, huh, that's more than we expected, sir.”

“Heh heh, yeah…!!! That's cool!!”

The trio crossed through the crowded store, making their way to the checkout. Upon arriving at their destination, the items were finally purchased and a order for bigger furniture was placed. The goods were stored in the back of the van, leaving the boys little to no space to sit down. They didn't seem to mind it, though, it was getting late and the duo just wanted to get home at once.

The house was a mess, totally covered in dust and paint; construction equipment scattered all over the place. Nevertheless, the giant crack in the wall was now covered.

“They did a good job. Mattison, get us the cleaning tools.” Metcalf turned to the boys, whose eyes didn't let go of the TV box even for a second. “So, what do you know about cleaning?”

“A lot, heh heh heh!! You do it so… Um, y'know… Heh heh, it doesn't get like, all gross and stuff, heh heh, yeah, y'know what I mean, heh…”

“Huh huh!! …Damn it, Beavis, you asswipe. That's not what he meant!!! Eh… I guess we, like, cleaned Van Driessen’s house once, or something, sir, huh huh huh…”

“Ohhh yeah, heh heh hm… That sucked!!!! That hippie, like, ripped us off and stuff, heh heh.”

The official refused to listen to whatever — and whoever — they were speaking of. Instead, he took two tiny handbooks and a first aid kit into his hands: there began an in-depth lecture on basic human skills, such as patching a wound and unclogging the toilet. A long, boring lecture that lasted for the entire afternoon. Once their work was done, the NSA agents exited the property and so the boys were left on their own to deal with all this mess. There was a lot to be done, so they figured they'd be better off splitting the tasks.

Butthead was almost finishing the living room. Meanwhile, Beavis had just cleaned the kitchen and was now heading to the bathroom.

“Woah!!! Beavis, check it out!!! The TV is working, huh huh!!”

“Cool!!! Heh heh, I'm just like, making sure the bathroom works too… Y'know, heh…”

The brunet sat down on the couch and began flipping through channels, impressed. ‘How come there's always something cool on?’ His eyes locked on the remote for a brief moment and that's when he noticed all the different buttons aligned together.

YouTube…

Tub.

“Huh huh huh!”

The round red button was pressed as the boy expected to find plenty of hot babes in a bathtub. That'd be neat. Instead, though, he came across something entirely different, but not disappointing at all.

He scrolled down the YouTube homepage until something caught his attention: “Top 10 Funniest Cat Videos!!! Best of 2022” The thumbnail? A wide-eyed orange cat falling off a purple roof and straight into the lava — an obvious clickbait. However, that alone wasn't enough to counter his interest.

A fuzzy, caterpillar-like kitten appeared on-screen. The tiny thing kept running and wiggling around the house. ‘This sucks.’ The video was quite boring indeed — that is, until a bigger cat jumped from behind the camera and startled the smaller one.

“WOAH!!!!! Huh huh huh huh, that was cool!!!!! Uh…… Damn it, Beavis, you dillweed!! Where are you???” No response was heard. Therefore, Butthead decided to go and check things out.

“...I don't know, heh. Um, I don't think I should, like, do that, y'know? Yeah, heh heh…” The boy was crouched in front of the toilet, apparently talking to someone. He immediately got up and flushed it away once the door was flung open.

“AAAAAHHH!!!! D-Damn it, Butthead!!! Heh heh, you should, like, knock first, y'know????”

“...Ugh!! Goddammit, Beavis, are you talking to that turd again?????”

“Shut up, Butthead!!! Don't talk about Sterculius like that, heh!!! He might get mad at you, hm heh, just saying… He was just telling me to… Um, like…” The blond was dragged away from the bathroom without finishing his sentence. It didn't matter, though, since his mind immediately changed its focus to the TV.

“Woah, Butthead!!!! The TV…!!!!”

“I know, huh huh. Check it out, dude, this tub thing rules!!!”

“Yeah, heh heh… YEAH!!!!! Heh heh, cool!!!!!!”

It had been an exhausting day but now the boys were finally allowed to slow down and relax. They had an awesome brand-new television, plenty of food and each other’s company. What else could they ask for?

And so the evening went on, as the boys watched YouTube videos and laughed together…