Archive of Our Own ^beta

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It was a rare occasion that you went out to the bars with your friends, usually opting to stay home in the comfort of your apartment but tonight was different. Tonight you had been dragged out to a bar with a couple of your friends to celebrate you starting your new job the following Monday. Your friend Katie claimed she wanted to force you to relax and let loose one last time before you were stuck drowning in long shifts as a 3rd year resident at the emergency department nearby. You agreed with a groan, putting on a cute little dress and dolling yourself up, at least using the opportunity to feel good about yourself.

That’s how you found yourself in the same bar as Michael Robinavitch and Jack Abbot. You were on the dance floor with your friends, moving to the beat of the music, letting it fill your bones as the two men sat over at the bar sipping on beer. Robby and Abbot had decided to go out after a long week of work to relax, as a date of sorts. The two of them had started seeing each other officially about 8 months ago when Jack finally broke down and confessed and Robby couldn’t help but admit his mutual affection for the man before him. So the two of them officially became a thing, going on small dates, staying at each other's apartments, etc. No one in the hospital knew about their change in relationship besides Dana because she clocked something had changed the moment she saw them interact for the first time after everything. Nothing could be hidden from her in the Pitt.

Both of the men were bisexual and weren’t scared to admit that to each other, both still seeing women as attractive despite their love for each other. They never thought of doing anything outside of their relationship or opening it but it was something they both knew. So when both men noticed the way their eyes kept finding your figure in the crowd of people, unable to be enamored by you. By the way you sway your hips, you throw your head back when you laugh, how you feel the music with your whole body, the smile on your face, just you. The two men glanced at each other, having an unspoken conversation with just their eyes, as they had done many times in the ER, both acknowledging their attraction to you.

A little while later you came up to the bar to get another drink, your cheeks flushed from dancing, a small smile on your face. You stood next to where the two men sat nursing their beers, giving the bartender your order before leaning on the counter while you waited. You couldn’t help but have noticed the way their eyes had followed you throughout the night, having caught it a couple times. You weren’t weirded out by it oddly enough. “Do you guys always stare at women at bars like that?” You said as you took your drink from the bartender, glancing at the two men next to you as you took a sip. Jack was the first one to speak, a small smirk gracing his face. “Only ones who look as pretty as you do, doll” He says cheekily. You can’t help but chuckle with a blushing smile. “Does that usually work?” You ask with a raised eyebrow. “This is the first time we’ve tried, hoping we’ll be 1 for 1” Robby says, finally speaking up with a smile, placing a hand on Jack’s shoulder.

The three of you continued chatting and flirting for a little while longer, your face tinted a dark shade of pink the whole time, much to the two men’s pleasure, before they asked you to go home with them. You felt brave tonight and decided to say fuck it and said yes, quickly texting your friends that you were leaving and not to wait up for you before leaving with the two men. As soon as the three of you got back to Robby’s apartment as it was the closest you were all on top of each other, lips on each other’s, on each other’s necks, hands anywhere they could reach, the three of you just desperate for each other. The rest of the night was spent with the three of you tangled up in the bed together in various positions, moans reverberating against the walls of the apartment. The three of you fell asleep tangled in their king bed together once everything was finished. You had woken up very early in the morning, close to 5 am before the sun even came up and snuck out of bed with the two men and out of the apartment. You weren’t usually one for one night stands and you’d never done anything like this before and it honestly scared you, so you left, hoping to be able to ignore it and leave it behind.

Fate had other plans though. Bright and early Monday morning you walk into PTMC, ready for your first day as a new transfer in 3rd year resident, anxiety already settled deep in your stomach. As you walk into the ER the smell of antiseptic and the fluorescent lights bombard your senses. You see Dana at the nurses station already, getting ready for the day shift. You walk up to her with a smile as she sees you and grins, coming to give you a hug as she was an old family friend and had put in a good word for you to get your residency spot here. “So glad to see your face and be working with you kid!” Dana says with a smile as she wraps her arms around you. “Me too, glad to be here.” You say, grinning back. She catches a glimpse of a hickey on your shoulder from your weekend adventure barely peaking up from your collar as she pulls away. “What’s that hun?” She says with a knowing smirk. “It’s nothing Dana, we’re not talking about it, I ran into a cabinet.” You say rolling your eyes as she shows you where the locker room is so you can put your bag away. “Don’t know what cabinet makes bruises that look like a mouth but whatever you say kid” She says with a laugh as she walks away.

A minute later you walk back to the nurses station where Dana’s waiting for you. While you’re at the nurses station chatting with Dana, waiting to meet your attending, Robby and Jack come down from their routine chat on the roof during shift hand off. As they both come out of the stairwell they see you at the nurses station wearing scrubs and an ID badge on, so there’s no denying you’re the new resident they were told about. “You’re fucking kidding me…” Robby mutters under his breath, glancing at Jack who had a similar look of disbelief in his eyes. They pull themselves together enough to be professional as they approach you and Dana at the nurses station. “Ah, there they are. These are our night and day shift head attendings!” Dana says with a grin, gesturing towards Jack and Robby who both have a polite smile plastered on their face. “Dr. Robinavitch will be your day shift attending and head of the emergency department, everyone calls him Robby though, and Dr. Abbot will be your head night shift attending.” Dana continues, not feeling the tension and shock between the three of you. You just nod with a polite smile stuck on your face. “Nice to meet you, Dr. Y/N Y/L/N, new 3rd year resident.” You introduce yourself with a professional and polite tone, shaking both of their hands, trying to act like this weekend didn’t happen and you’re not spiraling in your head right now. The two men shake your hand and respond with a ‘nice to meet you’ with the same tone as you. You were glad they seemed to be on the same page as you for the moment of not imploding your job because you guys had slept together over the weekend.

Robby and Jack walk away a second later, Robby walking Jack towards the door so he can leave and get some rest before his next shift. The two men talk in tense whispers. “What the fuck do we do?” Robby says, his whisper tense and riddled with anxiety. “Fuck if I know, I guess we can ask her how she’d like to handle it but for now just act like it didn’t happen and stay professional until then?” Jack responds, his voice just as tense but calmer than Robby. Robby nods, running his hand over his face, letting out a sigh. Jack and Robby say their goodbyes in the quiet empty ambulance bay, giving each other a quick kiss before Jack leaves.

Robby walks back into the ER, his shoulder tense with anxiety. He decides he needs some caffeine before he starts work if he is going to get through this shift. He walks into the staff lounge to find you already in there making a cup of coffee. He pauses at the table, not saying anything, not entirely knowing what to say anyway. You had noticed him out of the corner of your eye the second he walked in, too observant not to. You poured the fresh coffee you made from the pot into two small foam cups that were in the lounge next to the coffee maker. You walk over to where Robby was standing silently at the table, too lost in his own thoughts to notice you moving, placing one of the cups in front of him. “It’s fresh, black.” You say softly before walking back to the counter to add cream and sugar to yours.

He grabs the warm cup, eyes wide, taking a long sip from it and letting out a sigh after. “Thank you…” He says quietly, the tension between the two of you unable to go unnoticed anymore. “I swear I didn’t know…” You say quietly from the counter, your back still facing him as you finish making your coffee, anxiety evident in your voice. “I know…we didn’t either…it’s no one’s fault.” He says letting out a sigh, running his hand over his face again out of habit. “We can talk more about it later, the three of us, how we want to handle it and all…” Robby offers. You finally turn around, cup in hand, leaning against the counter, your soft eyes meeting his. “Yeah…that sounds like the best idea most likely…” you say softly. “But obviously as far as work goes, it might as well have never happened, it won’t change anything with how either of us will treat you on the clock, promise” Robby says, hoping to offer some comfort. “Thank you, I really appreciate it.” You say offering a small smile before making your way back to the ER floor, ready to hit the ground running your first day.

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You quickly got lost in your work as you jumped into the shift, your issue with the two attendings pushed to the back of your mind. You went about your shift as normal, working quickly and efficiently, making your way from patient to patient. You were quick on your feet, much quicker than most expected you to be, especially on your first day, not letting the new environment affect you. Throughout the day you felt Robby’s eyes on you though, not allowing the issue to fully leave your mind. You caught him looking at you a couple times while you were working and when you two were on a case together he had a certain look in his eyes as he watched and spoke to you that gave you a fluttering feeling in your stomach. You tried to brush it off in your head as him just observing you on your first day and getting a feel for you as a doctor. 

Robby was impressed with you as he watched you throughout the shift. He noticed the way you were quick on your feet, quick to analyze the situation and assess the best options. You were good with patients too, having a charming and soft demeanor that put patients at ease while still showing that you were confident in what you were doing. He couldn’t help the way his eyes kept falling to your figure throughout the shift. He was observing your skills as a new resident but it was deeper than that. He couldn’t help but analyze the way you interacted with your coworkers in the ER, with him. He had a gnawing feeling in his stomach the whole shift as he was nervous about the situation between him, his boyfriend, and you. He didn’t want the one night between the three of you to cause you to want to leave the Pitt before you really even started, especially now that he saw your skills. He wanted to keep you on here, make you comfortable, and be professional about the whole situation. He couldn’t help but also want to get to know you better, to feel drawn towards you, just like he and Jack had been that first night. Robby quickly pushed those thoughts out of his mind, not letting himself linger on the idea of getting to know you better outside of a work setting, believing that’s something you would never want.

The shift went by quickly due to the constant rotation of patients in the ER. The constant flow of patients kept you busy, leaving little room for breaks, but you still managed to get some small talk with your coworkers throughout the day. You wanted to make a good impression on everyone, show them your skills, maybe make some friends. You quickly clicked with Dr. Mel King and Dr. Samira Mohan especially. You and Mel quickly became friendly as you discussed the struggles of working in medicine as neurodivergent people, especially being on the sensitive side. You and Samira quickly bonded over your want to focus on taking care of each patient thoroughly and taking your time with them if needed. The three of you had a lot in common and you ended up working with them frequently throughout the day, allowing for small chatting here and there. Getting to know different people around the ER helped ease your anxiety about being there. 

You were sitting at the nurses station finishing up some charting while shift change was happening when you caught a view of Dr. Abbot walking in out of your peripheral vision. You watched him find Robby before the two of them made their way to a stairwell nearby, disappearing. Robby and Jack walked up the stairwell to their spot on the roof in a comfortable silence. Once reaching the roof they stood shoulder to shoulder looking out at the early morning Pittsburgh skyline. “So how’d it go on the shift with her?” Jack asked, breaking the silence between the two. “It went surprisingly well…she’s really good Jack. She’s quick on her feet, smart, good with patients.” Robby says with a sigh. Jack nods, turning his head to meet his gaze. “Did you say anything to her about…everything?” He questioned. “I talked to her for a second…she made me a coffee without me asking, just handing it to me. She said she had no idea, and of course I told her we didn’t either obviously and that this all isn’t anyone’s fault. Then I told her the three of us could talk more about it together later, figure out how we want to handle it.” Robby explains, meeting Jack’s unwavering gaze. “How’d she react?” Jack asks. “She said she agreed and I told her that obviously while on the clock everything will be strictly professional between the three of us and it’ll be like it never even happened.” Robby explained, his shoulders tense. Jack places a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it slightly before moving his hand to run through Robby’s dark hair for a moment, trying to ease his anxiety. “It’ll be fine…I promise…we should probably catch her and plan a time to talk now though before she leaves…get it done sooner rather than later…” Jack says, his voice calm and comforting, anchoring Robby back to reality as he runs his fingers through his hair. Robby’s eyes close softly as he lets out a groan. “I know, I know.” Jack can’t help but smirk at him before pressing a short, soft kiss to his lips. “It’ll be fine babe, we’ll figure it out. Now come on.” He says softly as he pulls away from the kiss, grabbing Robby’s hand and leading him towards the stairwell again. 

The two men walk back onto the bustling ER floor. You sit at the nurses station finishing the last bit of the chart you were working on when your attention’s pulled away. “Hey, you have a minute?” Robby says softly, leaning on the counter above your computer, Jack next to him in the same position. You flick your gaze up to look at the two men in front of you. “Um, yeah, give me just one second to finish and close out this chart.” You say quietly, looking back down to the computer to finish and close out the chart quickly. Then you stand up, wrapping one of your arms around your torso in an attempt at self soothing your anxiety. Jack nods to the empty family room before walking that way with Robby and you right behind him. 

Once the three of you are in the room Jack closes the door, giving your guys some privacy. You stand there with your gaze fixed to the ground, scared to meet the brown eyes of the two men in front of you. “So how do we want to handle this…” Jack says, starting the conversation none of you guys wanted to start. “I don’t know…” You say letting out a sigh. “I definitely didn’t expect the guys I randomly had a threesome with to become my bosses” You say, letting out a bitter chuckle. Robby and Jack could help but chuckle at that too. “Yeah, fuck, neither did we…” Robby says with a chuckle. “I mean I guess the best thing would be to just act like it didn’t happen? I don’t want this to affect how either of you treat me or my work here.” You explain, finally daring to meet their gazes. They both nod as they listen. “I know neither of us want this to affect your work, that’s the last thing we want. No one here even knows Robby and I are together so we should have no problem acting professionally around each other.” Jack explains, trying to ease your worry. “Okay…good…” You say, letting out a sigh. 

Now that it was understood between the three of you that you guys were basically going to act like the weekend didn’t happen you felt a lot better about everything. The three of you stand in a comfortable silence for a moment before Jack speaks up. “You left without saying goodbye this weekend…” Jack says, looking at you, a small smirk on his face. “I-I just don’t normally do the whole one night stand thing or the threesome thing so I guess I kind of panicked when I woke up and couldn’t fall back asleep and didn’t know how to deal with the morning after. I thought it would be better to just leave before you guys woke up to make it easier and less awkward on everyone.” You ramble, covering your face with your hands in embarrassment. “That sure worked didn’t it?” Robby says with a laugh. You couldn’t help but laugh because he was right, this was way more awkward than any morning after ever could be. “We were hoping to get to know you better over breakfast, but you left before we could.” Robby continues with a small smirk.

 The admission that they wanted to know you more than just a normal one night stand would scared you, terrified you actually. You were never good at people taking a liking to you romantically, being too scared of being vulnerable, of being hurt like you had been in the past, that your first instinct had evolved to shut down and run. This admission on top of the anxiety you had felt all day tipped you over the edge, leading to you reacting before you had much time to really think about it. “Um…I’m sorry…I think we should just keep our relationship strictly professional…” You quickly ramble, averting their gaze the whole time, the floor suddenly being the most interesting thing in the room. “I-I really need to go anyway…” You ramble out before quickly walking out of the room, leaving the two men stunned. 

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Your words and quick exit left the two men stunned, standing there in shock. Jack and Robby never meant to make you uncomfortable or freak you out, they wanted to do the opposite actually, hoping that talking to you and getting to know you better would help make this whole situation feel less awkward. They also couldn’t help the way they were drawn to you. After you left Robby turns and looks at Jack with concern etched on his face. “We just need to give her some space and time…this is awkward and nerve wracking for all of us. Just give it time.” Jack said, offering Robby a comforting smile, taking Robby’s hand into his, brushing his thumb over his knuckles comfortingly. Robby nods, letting out a sigh, knowing Jack’s right. “Now get out of here and get some rest.” Jack teases him, pushing him towards the door of the room. The two exchange their goodbyes and I love yous before Robby leaves and lets Jack start his shift. 

Once leaving the room with the two men you quickly grab your things and clock out, needing to get home as soon as possible, your anxiety crashing down on you. You made your way home to your empty apartment, boxes still scattered around the rooms as you hadn’t finished unpacking yet. Your mind spiraled the entire way home, anxiety leading you down a hole of worst case scenarios. You forced yourself to push those thoughts as you made dinner and showered before getting ready for bed, exhausted from the day. You fell into a fitful sleep, tossing and turning as your mind was plagued with thoughts and images of your two attendings. 

As the weeks went on you slowly got into the hang of things in the Pitt. You were on rotating shifts, doing 4 day shifts followed by 3 night shifts before getting a week off and switching to 3 day shifts and 4 night shifts the following week, alternating each time. You remained professional with the two attendings but still avoided them slightly, not daring to let yourself get caught alone with one of them out of fear they would try and talk to you about things. You were a master avoider of your feelings, drowning them in work. You hated the way you enjoyed being around them and working with them. You wanted so badly to push your feelings away and act like you weren’t drawn to both men, that you didn’t find your eyes searching for them in the chaos of the ER. 

After a particularly hard shift, one where you lost two patients in a row to no fault of your own, you found yourself on the roof. You were desperate for some air and space. You were staring out at the dark Pittsburgh skyline, leaning against the railing when you heard the door to the stairwell open and slam close, two sets of footsteps coming closer. You turned around expecting to see another nurse coming up to smoke or something, what you didn’t expect was to turn around and see the two men who plagued your mind, the two men you didn’t want to see right now. 

Robby and Jack stuck to their word and acted strictly professional and gave you your space but they couldn’t help but notice the way you were wary around them sometimes and how you tried to avoid them when it didn’t involve talking about a patient. They couldn’t help the way they were pulled more and more to your presence, how you brought a certain kind of light to the ER, your kindness and skills being very appreciated in the ER. Everyone already loved you, you fit into their teams perfectly. Somehow you got both day and night shifts to love you, something that others had found hard. They both struggled to keep themselves from looking at you longer than an attending should, with a softness in their gaze they don’t hold for the other residents. They just wanted to know you, in whatever way you’d let them, wanted to hear what goes on in that gorgeous head of yours. 

“You’re in our spot.” Robby says with a chuckle as they approach where you stand against the railing. You had turned around to look at them, the look of surprise on your face not unnoticed by them. “Shit, I’m sorry…didn’t know you guys had a spot. I can leave.” You said, your voice slightly anxious, getting up off the railing to leave. They both quickly stop you and tell you you’re fine. “No need to leave, the roof isn’t just for Robby and I, we just have made it a habit of going up here during shift change.” Jack explains with a small, comforting smile. “You okay though?” Robby asks, both men noticing the way your shoulders drooped and you looked more exhausted than normal. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. I just have a habit of finding open high spaces when I’m stressed, makes it feel like I can breathe better.” You confess as you lean against the railing again with an exhausted sigh. 

Both men found themselves leaning against the railing with you, one on either side. “You want to talk about it?” Jack asks, his intense eyes staring into yours. You took a deep breath before speaking, “Just one of those days. Lost two patients in a row and days like this make me question why I even do this if I can’t do it right.” Both men’s faces softened as you spoke, desperately wanting to touch you, hug you, do something to comfort you without making you uncomfortable. “That wasn’t your fault, you did everything you could. There was nothing you could do, we did everything we could.” Robby explained softly, remembering the cases you were talking about, having watched the look in your eyes both times when you had to call the time of death. Jack nodded in agreement with him. “He’s right…sometimes we do everything we can and they still don’t make it. It’s hard to cope with but we make it through it, we have to. Sometimes we lose a patient but we have to remember how many people we save too.” Jack says. “Yeah, we both have found ourselves up here after hard shifts like this, sometimes on the other side of the railing, the other having to convince us to keep going another day, keep saving people. I know it feels like you don’t know why you’re doing this sometimes but remember who we do it for, for all the people we’ve been able to help.” Robby explains. 

Your eyes were brimming with unshed tears and your arms were covered with goosebumps as the cool night air hit your skin. Robby noticed the small shiver that worked its way through your body, silently removing his soft blue hoodie and placing it against your shoulders gently. You offer him a sad, thankful smile in response. “You’re amazing down there, in both shifts. You’re one of the best residents we’ve had. Don’t let one bad shift keep you from saving other people. Feel your feelings, get a good cry out, but still come back at the end of the day.” Jack says. You nod, taking their words to heart. You knew they were right, it was just a bad day and this doesn’t define your career. “Thank you…both of you. I really appreciate it.” You say softly, your eyes fixed on the ground. “I should probably get home.” You say softly, finally meeting their gazes. 

“Get some rest kid, you deserve it. Here let me see your phone.” Jack says as he holds out his hand. You look at him slightly confused before handing your unlocked phone over. You and Robby watch as he opens your contacts and puts in both his and Robby’s numbers, putting himself in with the nickname ‘favorite attending’ and Robby under ‘way less cool attending’. You couldn’t help but chuckle at this, appreciating him lightening the mood. You glance at Robby and see the way he looks at Jack with a loving smile on his face. “Here. Text or call one of us if you need anything okay?” Jack says as he hands back your phone with a cocky smile. You nod in response, a small smile on your face. 

“Now go home and get some rest before you come back tomorrow. Need you on your A-game, it’s my turn with you starting tomorrow.” Jack says as he looks at Robby with a grin. Robby just rolls his eyes. “Don’t remind me. Can’t believe I have to share my best resident with you.” He answers dramatically. You can’t help but laugh at them. “Thank you again…I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” You say with a small smile on your face as you walk down the stairs. You feel lighter as you leave the hospital, appreciating the comfort and support from them. As you make your way home you think that maybe you can be friends with them.

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Ever since the incident between the three of you where both Jack and Robby yelled at you on the same day things haven’t been the same, as expected. The next time they each worked with you they couldn’t help but notice the way you entirely pulled back from them. How your comfortability with them had taken one small step forward to take six steps back and it was all their fault. The guilt ate at them. You were like a completely different person, a shell of the girl they had known, the light that once filled the room when you walked in dimmed. 

You had not only pulled away from them, but everyone in the ER. Robby and Jack got the worst of it of course. There was no more casual conversation with them, no more smiles, no more coffee exchanged with Jack in the middle of shifts, no more playful bickering over patients with Robby. You seemed like you were walking on eggshells around them, acting like a scared doe waiting for the second the shoe is going to drop and they snap at you again. You had pulled away from everyone else in the ER too, acting much more reserved and quiet than before, no longer the confident, intelligent resident everyone in the Pitt loved. Mel and Samira had noticed it too, noticing how you talked to them less, didn’t stick around to chat after shifts or texting in between shifts. You still talked to people, trying not to worry anyone too much, but your smile didn’t quite reach your eyes like it used to, that light behind them gone, anxiety left in its wake. 

This was eating Robby and Jack alive, the guilt and shame gnawing at their stomachs, twisting and turning with every glimpse of you. They knew they shouldn’t have acted the way they did and that they needed to apologize but they didn’t know how, didn’t know how to get you to listen to them, trust them. They had been watching you closer in the ER during your shifts with them, observing you, trying to dissect your presence, trying to find something to help them make this up. Even Dana had noticed the shift in you, watching you closer than normal, knowing your past and how it can affect you sometimes. She even confronted Robby and Jack during a shift change once, cornering them in the family room. 

“What the hell did you two idiots do to our best resident?” Dana asked them sternly, hands on her hips, no greeting, no ‘hello, how are you?’, just straight to the point. Both men ducked their heads like dogs getting scolded for getting in the trash, Jack’s lips tightening into a fine line and Robby’s face twisting in what almost looked like pain, his hand rubbing the back of his neck. “We fucked up really bad…” Jack mumbled, feeling like a child in trouble, but he knew he deserved it. “No shit, now what did you guys do?” Dana asks, her eyebrows raised in expectation. “We both yelled at her badly in front of everyone on the same day while she was working a double…” Robby mumbles quietly. Dana pinches the bridge of her nose, letting out a strained sigh. “God you two fucked up worse than I thought. You have to fix this, and soon.” She says poking a finger at the two men, a pointed look on her face. They both nod, shame riddled on their faces. Dana gives them another look before leaving the two of them to do their normal shift change briefing. 

The next day had gone on normally, or as normal as things can be for you in the ER right now while you’re constantly avoiding whatever attending you’re working with, ignoring the concerned glances you’re getting from your coworkers, and the way said attendings keep staring at you. The day seemed like it was going to be a decent one until you were pulled aside by Dana while you were walking through the ER, pulling you aside to the nurses station. “Hey, could you possibly do me a favor?” Dana asks hesitantly, both of you leaning on the nurses station counter. “Sure? What is it?” You asked, brows furrowed in confusion. “Well we have a girl in exam room 3, here for what seems to be domestic violence injuries. She seems really scared and is hesitant to let us get Kiara for her to talk to.” Dana says, a soft look on her face. 

Robby hadn’t meant to eavesdrop, he really didn’t. But still he found himself standing at the nurses station going through patient charts over and over, his back towards you and Dana just so he could hear the seemingly sensitive conversation between the two of you. “I was wondering if you could possibly talk to her? I think talking to someone who has experience with it will help ease her anxiety, especially someone her age range.” Dana explains to you, worry on her face. You stand there for a moment, taking in her words, contemplating her question before you take a deep breath and nod. “Thank you so much hun. You don’t know how helpful this is. So while you talk to her Robby and I will stand in there with you to help with things as needed and unfortunately it’s typically policy for attendings to be there when broaching a topic that will involve the social work department.” Dana explains, a nervous smile on her face. She knew that things between you and the main attendings weren’t great but she hoped this wouldn’t stop you from doing this. 

When she told you Robby was going to have to be there when you talked to her your stomach dropped to your toes, your heart rate picking up slightly. You knew you needed to do this though, for the patient’s sake, so you took a deep breath and nodded again. Dana stepped away long enough to grab Robby who was still standing at the nurses station acting like he wasn’t listening. Then the three of you walked into the exam room where the patient was. She had multiple bruises on her arms and a broken wrist, many of the bruises being in the shape of someone’s hands or from someone gripping her arms. She was a similar age to you, around 25, only a few years younger but she looked so small right now. The girl was sitting in the hospital bed wearing a gown from the examinations they had to do, a scratchy hospital blanket thrown across her legs, her hands in her lap. It was obvious she had been crying, her eyes red and glassy, her figure shaking slightly. 

You walked into the exam room quietly and sat in the chair next to her bed facing her, Robby and Dana standing to the side. You offered her a weak smile, one that wasn’t returned. “So I heard that someone in your life might be hurting you?...” you say softly, your own hands planted in your lap firmly, a soft look on your face despite the tension radiating in your body. The girl looked at you, her face scrunching a little. “Did they send you in here to tell me how stupid I am for getting myself in this situation and that I need to just leave?” She says, frustration in her voice. You shake your head softly. “No…I’m a doctor here…a 3rd year resident. I’m here to talk to you for a little, be an ear to listen if you want…someone who knows what it’s like.” You explain quietly, the patient’s face softening slightly. “What do you mean you know what it’s like?” She asks, her voice wavering slightly. You swallow the lump in your throat, letting it join the anxiety twisting deep in your gut. “When I was around your age, from when I was 21-25, I was in a domestic violence relationship and let it get worse than it should’ve…” You say, your voice steady and calm, your gaze locked on your hands in your lap. You could feel the eyes of the patient, Dana and Robby on you.

“He said it was an accident…that he’d never do it again…he said he loved me…” The girl in front of you said, her voice strained and her eyes watering. “They say that but they don’t mean it hun. It isn’t an accident. It will only get worse. It starts with the anger during small arguments, and then comes the yelling, then comes the name calling, then comes the throwing of items around the house, then comes them throwing items at you, and then they put their hands on you. The first time it happens they cry and scream that it’s an accident, that they love you, that it won’t happen again…but it will. It’ll happen again and again. I let myself fall into that trap of manipulation and it ended with me covered in bruises, a broken cheekbone, a broken collarbone, and two broken ribs. I’m lucky I wasn’t beaten to death honestly. It got this bad because I believed him, believed he loved me, that it was my fault, that it wouldn’t happen again…but it was a lie. He didn’t love me, not really. He loved the control he had over me. No one who truly loves you will ever lay a hand on you without consent.” You explain, meeting the girl's gaze. She started crying softly as you spoke, the weight of her words hitting her like a bus. “I’m scared…I don’t know what to do…” She whispered through her tears. “That’s why we’re here. I didn’t leave because I thought I couldn’t. I had nowhere to go, no one to talk to, no support system. We’re here to help though, we have resources for this, people who can help. Do you have anyone you can talk to about this? Anyone you can stay with right now?” You ask the girl softly, placing your hand on her gently. She nods through her tears. “Good, that’ll help a lot. We have our social worker Kiara coming down to talk to you, show you some resources, some people to talk to that can help. It’ll be okay. I promise. It may not feel okay today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even in a week, but one day it will. I promise. Here…here’s my number, call or text me if you need anything or someone to talk to.” You say softly, grabbing a paper from nearby and scribbling your number on it before handing it to her.

 “Thank you…” The girl sitting in front of you whispers. “How do you move on from it? How do I become okay again?” She asks quietly. You let out a sigh, looking at her again. “Well it’ll probably take awhile, a lot of work, a lot of therapy but my biggest thing was not letting him hold me back, not letting him stop my life because I was scared, because I was upset. That just proves him right, shows him the control he still has over you. So my biggest piece of advice is to feel your feelings, but don’t let them control you. There will be times where they take over, where you feel like you’re right back in that situation again, flashbacks coursing through your head, but those will get better over time.” You explain to her, a soft, empathetic look on your face. The girl nods again, taking in your words. Then at perfect timing the social worker, Kiara, enters the room quietly. You introduce Kiara to the patient in front of you, making sure the patient is okay before you, Robby, and Dana leave the room. 

As Robby listened to you talk about your experience with domestic violence he felt sick to his stomach, the bile bubbling up in the back of his throat, begging to get out, to expel the awful feeling in his gut. He knew that wouldn’t fix it though, and wouldn't take the guilt and shame that filled his being away. He felt anger building up in himself as well, his jaw ticking at your words as he clenched his teeth. He couldn’t believe someone could do that to anyone, let alone you. You, who lit up every room you walked into, who was the kindest and empathetic person he ever met, who had a special skill for making everyone feel comfortable no matter the situation, who made funny faces at the kids in the ER to cheer them up while they got tests done, who lit up his world. The mental image of you battered and bruised in the way you described hurt him, made his chest twist and ache in a way it never has before. He wanted to take you into his arms and never let you go, protect you forever, show you that he’d never let it happen to you again, that he’d never do that to you. He knew he couldn’t though, that he had no right to, especially after what he and Jack did. 

As he listened it hit him exactly what he and Jack did, how bad they really fucked up. He realizes that he and Jack had most likely triggered you and the trauma response and fear you had gained from your experience. This realization hit him like a bus, the guilt and shame worse than ever. He understood now why you had acted the way you did, why you completely drew back from everyone, especially them. You were doing the only thing you knew how to do to protect yourself, to keep yourself from getting in that situation again. He knew he needed to talk to Jack as soon as he got here for shift change, and that they needed to figure out how to make it up to you, to apologize for their actions. 

Once you left the room you left no time for Dana and Robby to talk to you, ask you any questions about what you said. You knew Dana knew the story of everything, she’d been a close family friend for years, a mother like figure to you. But you could see on Robby’s face that he was itching to talk to you and you knew you couldn’t handle it right now. Once you were clear of the exam room you quickly walked to the staff bathroom, shutting and locking it behind you, praising whatever deity was out there that it was a single stall. The door shut and the lock clicked and everything hit you. Every ounce of tension, anxiety, PTSD, etc hit you… hard. You walked quickly to the toilet, your knees barely hitting the ground before the contents of your stomach were emptied into the toilet in front of you. After it was over you wiped your mouth and sat there for a few minutes, your chest heaving, almost hyper ventilating. 

The room felt like it was closing in on you, like you couldn’t breath and everything felt heavy. You stood up and leaned on the bathroom sink, staring at your figure in the mirror, your chest heaving, your face flushed, your eyes brimming with unshed tears. The girl in front of you in the mirror scared you…you looked like the girl who was beaten by someone she thought loved her, who was too scared to say anything. Your thoughts were rushing in your head, a headache already coming on. You turn on the sink and splash your face with some cold water, drying it off with your shirt, hoping it would bring you back to reality, save you from the impending breakdown. As much as you wished it worked you still found yourself curled into yourself in the corner of the bathroom, the feeling of the cold tiles under your skin. Your knees were drawn up to your chest, your head shoved against your knees, hands over your ears, your figure rocking in an attempt to comfort yourself as your body wracked with quiet sobs, trying to make yourself as small as possible. The world felt like it was closing in, like it was too loud, too much, and you were all alone . 

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Robby watched as nearly ran to the staff bathroom once the three of you exited the exam room. He watched, concern ridden all over his face. Dana quickly got pulled back into work before she could do anything or check on you but Robby found himself lingering at the nurses station, acting like he was looking at charts but he kept glancing up and seeing if you had left the bathroom yet. After a few minutes with no sign of you he became increasingly concerned. He decided to go up to the door and knock to check on you, but upon hearing no response and the gut feeling in his stomach he glanced around him to see if anyone was watching before he tried the door knob, surprised to find it still unlocked in your panic. 

Robby was shocked at the scene in front of him. Upon entering the bathroom he sees your figure curled up in the corner to the right of the door. He quickly locked the door behind him before approaching you slowly. You were still on the ground, knees pulled to your chest, hands covering your head as you rocked softly, sobs shaking your body. Robby approached slowly, not wanting to startle you. You must’ve not noticed him until he kneeled on the ground in front of you and placed a gentle hand on your knee. You reacted like he had burned you, like his hand had blistered and burned the skin underneath it, flinching back and trying to back yourself further into the wall. “P-please don’t hit me again…I’m sorry…I’m sorry…” You muttered to yourself, too out of it to realize what was actually happening. 

This broke his heart, seeing you in this state, not knowing how to help. He took a deep breath before finally speaking. “Y/N…it’s me…Robby…it’s just me…it’s okay…I’m not going to hurt you…I promise.” He spoke, doing his best to keep your voice steady and soft, not wanting to scare you more. He watched as you continued shaking and crying but your eyes darted up from where they were hidden in your knees, taking in his figure in front of you. “Is it okay if I touch you? If I grab your hand?” He asks quietly, his hand approaching slowly, trying to read your body language, see if there was any sign it wasn’t okay to take your hand. When he found none he grabbed your wrist softly from its place on your head, taking your smaller hand into his, before placing it on his chest. 

“Can you breathe with me Y/N? Can you try and match my breath, my heartbeat?” He asks softly, his voice soft and steady. The feeling of his warm hand over yours was grounding, slowly pulling you from the darkness that had consumed you. Your eyes stared at his chest where his hand laid over yours as he breathed deeply. You were still crying and your knees were still pulled to your chest but you were no longer having flashbacks as you slowly steadied your breathing. A small smile forms on Robby’s face as he watches a small bit of the tension in your body release as your breathing becomes steadier. “Good job…there you go…” he says softly as you continue taking deep breaths with him, his thumb coming and rubbing against the back of your hand. “Can you tell me 5 things you can see right now? Just try your best…” He encourages gently. You swallow the lump in your throat before speaking. “I see you…the tiles…the sink…the door…and the toilet…” You answer, your voice raw and strained. “There you go…good job. Now can you tell me 4 things you can hear?” He says as his smile grows. You nod, your knees loosening slightly from its position pressed against your chest. “I can hear you…the people outside at the nurses station…the sink dripping…and the machines beeping outside…” You answer, wiping your cheek and nose with your free hand, the other still on his chest. “Very good…now how about 3 things you can touch?” He keeps encouraging. “I’m touching you…the tiles…and I can feel my hair sticking to the back of my neck…” You answer, your voice becoming steadier. “Good…now 2 things you can smell? And don’t say me because I know neither of us smell too hot at the end of a shift.” He says with a small chuckle, trying to lighten the mood. 

You let out a puff of air out of your nose that was a semblance of a laugh and the corners of your mouth lifted slightly. Robby took that as an achievement. “I can smell the antiseptic of the hospital and my perfume…” You answer, moving your legs to lay in front of you instead of clutched to your chest. “Good…almost done, last one. Tell me one thing you can taste?” He asks gently with a grin, his big brown eyes beaming with care. “I can still kind of taste the coffee I had earlier…” You answer lastly, your body calmed down much more. You were now out of the panic attack and flashbacks mostly, your body still slightly shaky from it. “Good job…you did so good.” Robby says with a smile. He moves to sit next to you now against the wall rather than in front of you like he was. He wrapped his arm around your shoulder gently, still scared you’d retreat from him, especially with how things have been between you, him, and Jack lately. He feels a weight lift off his shoulder when you lean into his touch, leaning into his side. 

“You know you don’t have to talk to the patients of cases like that if it affects you so much…” He says softly, his gaze fixed on you, concern on his face. You were looking down at your lap where your hands were clasped and you were fidgeting with your fingers. “I do though…because if I don’t then all the damage I have isn’t good damage, it’s not an inspiring story or a tool for me to use to help others, it’s just something that plagues my mind and covers me in darkness. I have to make all those years I suffered worth something…” You answer, your voice quiet and strained. Robby watched you speak sadly. He hated you viewing yourself like this, like you were a vessel for helping others using your pain, like you weren’t a person outside of it. “You don’t have to though…you’re still valid and important even if you don’t…your ‘damage’ isn’t bad…it’s a part of your past and makes you the person you are today…you don’t need to trigger yourself to be worth something…” He explains, his voice sad. 

You just take in his words, processing them slowly, not trusting yourself to give an answer right now. “How about I call Jack to drive you home, he’s off today, and you can go home early…” Robby offers. You sit there in silence for a second before nodding, knowing driving yourself home in this state wasn’t a good idea. “Or he could take you back to my place? That’s where he’s at right now…” He offers nervously, wanting to attempt to bridge the gap between the three of you, wanting to apologize for everything they did. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea right now…at least not today…” You answer quietly despite your heart wanting to say yes. You hated the way it’s been between the three of you lately but you can’t help it. It’s just what you do. When people get too close or do something that triggers your past you just run because leaving first hurts less than what comes after. “Can we talk sometime soon then…about everything…?” Robby questions, anxiety laced between his words. You nod softly. 

Robby then pulls out his phone, texting Jack quickly to come pick you up and take you back to your place. He answers immediately, telling Robby he’s heading to his car now and will be there in a few minutes. “Jack will be here in a few minutes…you want to head back out there and grab your stuff?” He says as he stands up with a groan, his knees cracking. “I’m too old for this stuff, to get on the ground.” He chuckles softly, offering you a hand. You take it with a small thankful smile as Robby easily pulls you up. “Thanks old man…” You say quietly, your voice lighter. Robby smiles at you, his cheeks flushing slightly. “I’ll let you get away with that comment this time…” He teases. “Really though Robby…thank you…it means a lot…” You reply softly. “Anytime…I care about you.” He says as he takes her into a quick hug that lingered for a little longer than it should’ve, the feeling of his arms around you a comforting force, your body immediately relaxing against him. After a second you guys pull apart and head back out to the floor of the Pitt, checking to make sure no one saw you guys walk out. 

You head to the locker room and grab your bag and by the time you’re back Robby’s waiting for you at the nurses station to walk you outside to Jack’s car. He walks you to Jack’s car parked outside in the ambulance bay with a steading hand on the small of your back, the feeling sending a shiver up your spine, leaving goosebumps in its wake. Robby opens the passenger door for you to get in, Jack in the driver's seat, before walking around to the other side of the car, leaning on Jack’s window. You watch as Jack and Robby speak for a second, just checking in with each other before they exchange an ‘I love you’ and a chaste kiss before Robby walks away, heading back into the ER to finish his shift. You couldn’t help but smile slightly at the image of the two men, the love between them obvious. The moment was so gentle, so intimate but it made you smile, wishing for a love like that one day.

Robby’s exit left you and Jack in the car together as he dove down the busy streets of Pittsburgh to your apartment. Jack didn’t say anything at first, his gaze on the road, one hand on the wheel, the other on the center console. Eventually he breaks the comfortable silence between the two of you. “Robby said you had a rough day…you okay? You need anything?” He asks gently, his gaze shifting from the road to you for a moment. “I’m okay…the past has a funny way of coming back sometimes you know? I just need some sleep and food.” You answer, looking out the window at the passing scenery. “Oh I know, trust me.” Jack says with a bitter laugh. “You know if you need anything Robby and I are here…you know where to find us.” He says as he lays a comforting hand on top of yours in your lap. His hand was different from Robby’s, a little smaller but thicker, more calloused from his years in the military, but still comforting, grounding, steady. You nod, appreciating his words. “I know…I appreciate it…I told Robby we could talk sometime soon about…everything…” You say quietly, the words hanging heavy in the air. “Yeah…he mentioned that. We appreciate it Y/N, really. Take your time though, don’t rush yourself to talk about anything you’re not ready for.” He reassures you, offering a comforting smile and a squeeze of your hand before moving his hand back to the center console. Soon you and Jack pulled up in front of your apartment building, both of you sitting there for a second before you got out. “Thank you Jack…tell Robby I said thank you again too..” you say before you get out of the car and head up to your apartment. You didn’t forgive them, not yet. You were still scared of everything, of the unspoken tension between the three of you, the line it felt like you guys were constantly walking, the one night the three of you spent together constantly looming over you but the energy around it all felt a little different now…a little lighter.

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