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Leonard McCoy sat at his desk at 0150 hours, jiggling one leg absentmindedly. He was confused, worried, even. There had been a red alert and neither Jim nor Spock had come to the Bridge. It had been a false alarm in the end, a sensor malfunction, but it was completely uncharacteristic of both of them. Granted, they were off-duty, but still, they always came if there was a red alert. And why both of them? What were the chances?

Finally, at 0200 hours, he stood up, bounced a little on his feet, and decided to go to Jim's quarters to check on him--it wouldn't do to check on that hobgoblin, he though, for he was probably doing some Vulcan ritual. When he got to his door, however, it was locked. This was very unusual. Jim usually only locked his door when he had a female companion. McCoy reflected on it a little, realizing that Kirk's sexual escapades seemed to have all but disappeared in the past few months. Shaking his head, he over-rode the lock.

When he entered the room he gave an involuntary cry of horror. There was Spock, the stoic Vulcan first officer, naked, and on top of the Captain, in Jim's bed. Their clothes were strewn about the room and they were both smiling, yes, smiling!

"What in the name of all that is holy?" cried Mccoy, as Spock and Jim slowly sat up, pulling the covers over their naked bodies.

Spock, embarrassed, but less dead-pan than usual, said "You appear to have interruppted us during a sexual act. I know not what that has to do with that which is holy."

McCoy looked incredulous, steadied himself against the wall, and said "Jim, please don't tell me that you are boinking the hobgoblin. I can't believe my own eyes.

Jim, failing to contain his laughter, said "Sorry, Bones. I didn't mean for you to find out like that."

"Find out?" said McCoy, "You mean to say this is a continuous . . . thing?"

"We have been engaged in sexual acts for precisely three months, 5 days, Doctor." said Spock.

"Why didn't ya lock the damn door?" said McCoy, facepalming.

"The real question is, why did you override the lock?" said Jim, still chuckling.

"There was a bloody red alert!" said McCoy, "Which I don't know how you failed to notice."

Jim and Spock looked at each other, and then to the bedside table, on which there were two empty boxes of chocolates and a half-empty bottle of Saurian brandy.

McCoy followed their eyes, and then sighed. "You two are drunk. Well, Jim, I gotta give ya some credit. You actually got that green-blooded computer drunk!", he said, still in shock.

"I must protest, Doctor, I am at the most tipsy," said Spock, his ears tinged a little greener than usual. Jim pulled him in for another kiss.

"Good God, Jim, I've seen enough!" cried McCoy again. "And Jim, I'm a doctor, not an eating disorder therapist, but I've seen your replicator reccord and you go through sweets like a kid on Halloween--practically every night! And now you're going to turn Spock into a binge-eater too!"

"I assure you, Doctor, I consume sustenance only when necessary. Tonight was a rare exception." said Spock.

"Oh, Bones, you are incorrigible! Lecturing me on my diet even in your state of shock. What do you want me to eat, green leaves?!" said Jim.

"You two had better get dressed and get on the bridge before I report you both to Starfleet for fraternization." said McCoy, shaking his head, as he left the room. He called out "I'd slam that door if I could!"

When McCoy was gone, Jim burst into floods of laughter. "I do love Bones, but that was priceless! He'll go and was his eyes out with bleach!"

"That would be unwise," said Spock, his lips curling into a slight smile.

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As McCoy sat at his desk, a strong drink in hand, he involuntarily replayed what he had seen. How could it be? For months? It explained Jim’s lack of enthusiasm for ladies as of late.

He knocked back a drink, and then another, still haunted by the image on Spock on top of Jim. He did not need that view of either of them. He felt he’d never be able to unsee it. And Jim was binging on chocolate again! McCoy was ever despairing over Jim’s diet — no matter how he warned him, Jim’s enormous appetite could not be kept in check. And he’d gotten Spock drunk.

“This must be what going mad feels like,” muttered McCoy to himself.

Meanwhile, Spock and Jim were sleeping happily in Jim’s room.

In the morning, Spock and Jim left Jim’s quarters together. “No point trying to hide it now,” said Jim, “Bones will have shared his … revelation … with anyone who’ll listen!”

“Indeed, Captain. I must admit I find it rather pleasing not to have to hide this anymore.”

As they walked down the hall, many crewmembers stared and giggled. It seemed that word had spread none too slow!

As they entered the mess hall and saw a very hungover Bones, Jim greeted him with a pat on the back. “And you complain about my excesses!” He said.

Bones looked at him, unimpressed. “Yes, Jim, you bumptious rascal. Don’t think I’m just going to forget last night! It’s burned into my damn eyes, Jim. You’ll be lucky if I don’t request a transfer! And one of these days I hope you get a damn bad hangover!”

“That would be most illogical to request a transfer, Doctor. The fact that you interrupted us during coitus was unfortunate, but a transfer is extreme.” Said Spock, still embarrassed but trying to hide it under logic.

“C’mon Bones!” Said Jim, “have a laugh! We all do it! Birds and the bees!”

Bones narrowed his eyes. “Yes, but not with Vulcans and not with our first officers!”

Jim looked a little sheepish.

At that moment, Jim and Spock realized there was quite a crowd gathered around them, and they could catch snippets of conversations enough to glean that many bets had been placed concerning their sex lives, and that credits were now being passed around between laughing crewmembers.

“I wish I’d been the doctor,” said one.

“I wish I’d been the Captain,” said nurse Chapel, to Spock’s horror.

“And you said the captain didn’t like men!” Said Sulu to Chekov.

“It was a mistake, I admit!” Said Chekov.

Spock and Jim blushed, and hurried away to a corner table, realizing just how dramatic this was going to prove.

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