Chapter Text
Almost two months after move-in, Evan came home and dropped his backpack on the floor loudly. Jared resisted the urge to glance over.
Evan cleared his throat. “I got invited to a party tonight.”
It caught Jared so off guard that he turned. He quickly rearranged his face into a neutral expression, shrugged, and said, “good for you.”
“Do you want to come?”
It hung between them for a moment. Jared looked at Evan. Evan resolutely held eye contact even though he was clenching his fists tightly.
“Why would I want to go to a party with you?”
“Oh my god, dude!” Evan threw his hands up. The nervousness he’d felt initially around Jared seemed to have melted off him in the past few weeks. “I get it! You hate me and we’re not friends and whatever. But Jesus, we have to live together all year. Does it have to suck the whole time? Do you have to make it as miserable as humanly possibly the entire year? Fuck.”
Jared was startled. He’d expected Evan to snap eventually, but he’d been expecting the snap to take place in the form of a breakdown. He expected crying, hyperventilating, shaking hands. That was the Evan he knew.
Evan stood there. He crossed his arms but didn’t look away from Jared’s face. Apparently, his question was not rhetorical. He wanted an answer.
Jared was tempted to give him one. To say yes, it had to suck. It had to because the five months before college had sucked for Jared. It had to be miserable because Jared was miserable. Instead, he turned back to his computer and said, “What time?”
He heard Evan let out a short breath. Relief, even if he pretended he wasn’t nervous. “Nine.”
“Kay.” Jared reached for his headphones to end the conversation. It wasn’t as simple as that. They weren’t just friends again. But Evan was right. It would suck to live like this for seven more months. Maybe there was something in between best friends and mortal enemies.
At eight forty-five (because Evan thought it would be rude to be late no matter how many times Jared explained that no one was paying attention to what time people showed up at a college party), they set off. Evan neglected to tell Jared until seven thirty that it was a themed party. Animal themed, specifically.
Jared had scoffed, asking if they were five, and then proclaiming that he guessed he wouldn’t go since he didn’t have anything to wear. Evan flushed slightly and then dug a plastic bag out of his backpack. From it, he pulled two pairs of Party City headbands. One had fuzzy leopard print ears and the other had spotted puppy dog ears.
“Your choice.” He held one in each hand. Jared snatched the leopard ears.
So now they were walking down the street with Evan’s new best friend Gia. Gia who had insisted on “making them up” for the theme. So now Evan had an eyeliner puppy dog nose and Jared had a few leopard spots on his cheeks and forehead. Gia was a bee. Not an animal, Jared had pointed out, but she seemed unphased. She was in a tight, black and yellow striped dress, with wings and antennae that looked like they came from the same place as Evan’s ears. She was also wearing six inch platforms that made her both tower over and outpace them both.
The party was everything Jared imagined college parties to be. The music was so loud it made his teeth vibrate. Everyone was half dressed and mostly drunk. It smelled like sweat and alcohol and weed, which made Jared sort of nauseous. He followed Evan who followed Gia and they ended up at a plastic table lined with paper cups full of red liquid. Gia picked one up and handed another to Evan.
“These have just been sitting here?” Evan yelled over the music.
Gia nodded, taking a drink of hers.
“And we’re just supposed to drink them? What if someone put something in them?”
For once, Jared actually agreed with Evan’s anxious hesitancy. Drinking room temperature alcohol from a cup that had been sitting unattended for god knows how long didn’t seem like a great idea.
Gia insisted it was fine, pressing a cup into Jared’s hand too. Evan and Jared looked at each other. Then, Evan seemed to come to a silent decision and he swallowed his in one gulp. Jared, not to be outdone at a party by Evan fucking Hansen, followed suit. The drink burned his throat and he almost gagged. It tasted like alcohol, but worse, it tasted like fruit punch and rootbeer at the same time. He forced himself to swallow, to not throw up, and set his empty cup on the table.
Jared was not a dancer, and he knew Evan wasn’t either but somehow they ended up in the center of the dance floor. Gia was the only one of the three of them who could actually be described as dancing. Evan and Jared awkwardly swayed, slightly off beat. All three of them held fresh cups of what Gia had called “jungle juice.” The girl behind Jared kept elbowing him in the back. Evan caught his eye as she did it for the tenth time. He was smiling slightly. Jared tried to scowl but he couldn’t hold it, feeling his lips pull up instead.
Suddenly, they were laughing, both of them. Chest heaving, doubled over laughing. Evan was grabbing Jared’s arm to keep his balance and Jared couldn’t be mad that they were having fun together because he hadn’t laughed this hard in months.
They eventually found themselves outside. Gia had left them at some point for a group of girls who actually squealed when they saw her. Jared had just finished drink number three and was feeling it rush around his head. Evan was giggling uncontrollably and it was stirring up long buried emotions in Jared’s chest like dust particles, filling his lungs, making it feel like he was choking. Evan’s nose makeup was smudged. Jared imagined his own was fairing no better with how sweaty he’d been while they were dancing. The cold night air felt amazing on his face. They were sitting on the low brick wall of a planter and they’d been talking for a while though Jared could hardly recall what about.
They were distracted by the sound of shouting as two frat guys stumbled out the sliding glass door and began shoving each other. Evan’s hand landed on Jared’s forearm and before Jared could think too hard about it, Evan said, “Let’s go home.”
Jared agreed.
They walked down the streets in the direction they believed their dorm to be. Jared had very confidently announced that he knew where they were going, now he just needed to be right. The relief he’d felt from the cold was turning into shivering. They bumped into each other as they walked, neither able to keep their feet in a straight line.
Evan was rambling about a class he had, apparently determined to relay to Jared everything that had happened in it since the first day of school. He’d been doing that all night. Talking like he’d been saving up things to tell Jared and now he had to get them all out before Jared decided they weren’t speaking again.
That reminded Jared that they weren’t supposed to be speaking. Or friends. Or whatever. Evan had suggested that it didn’t need to suck, but that didn’t mean they were besties. It didn’t mean that Jared forgave him.
“Aha!” Jared shouted suddenly, pointing up ahead. He could see the top of their building, one block away.
“Oh good, I’m freezing and my legs hurt,” Evan said, rubbing his arms.
Jared marched on. The buzz was still heavy in his head. He thought the cold was supposed to sober you up, but his brain still felt like soup. They climbed the stairs to their floor, Jared couldn’t remember why they didn’t take the elevator. They continuously bumped into each other, giggling and then violently shushing each other as they climbed. It was late and they kept reminding each other that people were sleeping, although there was a good chance just as many of them were not.
“Shhhhh!” Evan hissed. The sound went up in pitch as he struggled not to laugh. He was pushing Jared into the wall, grabbing the handrail behind him.
“ You shhh!” Jared said back and he was grinning and he couldn’t seem to stop.
“You!” Evan said. He was leaning almost his full weight on Jared. They kept crashing into the wall as they climbed the stairs. It was like Evan was magnetically attracted to Jared, he just kept sticking to his side.
Finally, they made it into their room. Jared kicked off his shoes and dropped into his desk chair. Evan looked at him and burst into giggles again.
“What?”
“Your makeup is all smudged.”
“So is yours.” Jared stood and went to the bathroom mirror. The leopard spots so carefully drawn hours ago were now smudges. He looked more like a chimney sweep than a leopard. It was only that moment that he realized his ears were missing.
He patted his head. “Lost my ears.”
Evan laughed. “You’ve managed to ruin every part of your costume.”
“Whatever.” Jared pulled the dog ears from Evan’s head. “Now you’re not a dog either.”
Evan only laughed harder. He leaned toward Jared, grinning. “You’re dumb.”
“ You’re dumb.”
“I’m glad you came,” Evan said, quieter.
“Yeah, well…” Jared couldn’t think of anything else to say.
Evan didn’t move away like Jared thought he would. He stayed there, in Jared’s space. He raised his eyebrows slightly, like he was daring Jared to do something.
So Jared did. He leaned forward, tilted his head up, and kissed Evan. Evan didn’t even seem surprised. The second Jared leaned in, Evan’s hands were on Jared’s face and he was kissing him back. They stumbled across the room, nearly tripping over Jared’s discarded shoes, and landed on Evan’s bed.
Jared felt dizzy and breathless. Evan’s hands were on his hips, fingers hooked through Jared’s belt loops. Jared could smell Evan’s shampoo and his sweat and his heart was going crazy.
And then, suddenly, Jared was pulling away. He pushed himself up and looked down at Evan.
Evan blinked up at him. His face was flushed. “What?”
Jared swallowed. He should shut up. He should just shut up and kiss Evan like he’d been wanting to do since they were sixteen. He should shut up and not ruin this good thing.
Instead, he said, “I need you to apologize.”
Evan looked bewildered. “What?”
“I can’t... I need you to apologize first. Before we can do this. Before we can be friends.”
Jared waited. Evan stared up at him. He opened his mouth and then closed it again. He said nothing.
Jared climbed off Evan’s bed and crossed the room to his own, turning off the lights as he went. He took off his jeans, leaving them in a pile on the floor, and climbed under the covers.
“Jared,” Evan said, but Jared didn’t roll over and Evan didn’t say anything else.
The next morning, Jared woke up with eyeliner smudges on his pillowcase. He wondered how hard that would be to get out. He pushed himself upright and his slight headache grew into a pounding spike in his brain. He looked over. Evan was still asleep. His nose still had traces of eyeliner and his curls were smushed against his pillow.
Jared dragged himself out of bed to retrieve his water bottle from his desk. He drank half of it before taking a breath. His head continued to pulse. He needed food. He needed to shower. He set his water bottle down and the sound made Evan stir. Jared grabbed a blind handful of clean clothes and launched himself into the bathroom and turned the shower on. He couldn’t talk to Evan right now. He couldn’t look at Evan right now. Possibly ever again.
He shed his clothes and stepped under the hot water. Their water pressure wasn’t all that great but today Jared didn’t care. He stood there for a while, letting the water melt off the remnants of last night. He rubbed his face and his hands came away with watery black streaks. He scrubbed until his skin felt raw. He wanted all of it off. The sweat and the makeup and the touch of Evan’s hands. Sparks of pain in his hips caught his attention and when he looked down he saw a few small yellow bruises blooming. No doubt from the handrail in the stairwell that Evan kept pushing him into.
When he finally turned the water off he felt only mildly better. He was clean, at least. But his head still hurt. And he could hear shuffling in the room, which meant Evan was awake. Jared braced himself, wondering how quickly he could grab his keys and leave the room. Also wondering whether Evan would even try to talk to him. He dried off as much as he could, standing in the steam filled shower room. Then he got dressed, which he hated doing while he was still damp, but… desperate times. Then he took a breath and shoved the door open.
Cool air hit him immediately but he didn’t pause to enjoy it. He bee-lined for his desk, ignoring Evan who was watching him the whole way. He grabbed his keys and a pair of shoes from the floor and he was in the hallway before Evan even got the second syllable of his name out.
He jammed his feet into his shoes in the hallway. He hadn’t risked stopping for socks so he was left with the disgusting feeling of his bare feet against the inside of his sneakers. He’d also left his towel and dirty clothes in a pile in the bathroom. Not very good roommate behavior, but Evan would just have to fucking deal with it.
Jared didn’t have much of a plan after getting his shoes on. He just needed to get out of there. He walked downstairs slowly, remembering being on these stairs only hours before. Laughing and shushing Evan, feeling invincible and stupid and happy.
He paused just before the exit door and took a deep breath. Why the hell had he done any of that last night? Why did he kiss Evan? Why did he stop kissing Evan? Why did he ever let Evan convince him that they should start talking again?
He pushed the door open and crossed the lobby. The sun was blazing and Jared immediately covered his eyes as he stepped outside. The bright morning was certainly not helping his headache. Food. He needed food.