Chapter Text
Evan didn’t know why he couldn’t say it to Jared. The word that usually rolled off his tongue five times a conversation suddenly caught in his throat, refusing to come up. He wanted to apologize. He was sorry. But he just couldn’t say it. His mouth wouldn’t work. His brain wouldn’t let him. And now he’d ruined everything. Not only whatever it was that was happening between them last night, but all the progress they’d made since day one.
Jared had gone from polite, necessary conversations only, to willingly agreeing to come to a party with Evan, to complete silence. He’d walled Evan off. He wouldn’t even respond to questions about the room anymore. If Evan asked if he was planning on showering, he’d either get up and do it, or he’d not acknowledge the question at all, which Evan took to mean he could have the bathroom.
Every attempt was met with nothing. Evan tried joking, small talk, even pleading. But Jared wouldn’t speak. He wouldn’t even look at Evan, and Evan didn’t know what to do. He’d been offered a chance. Jared had given him the opportunity to fix things. They could’ve been friends. They could’ve been something else too.
He didn’t try to apologize. He kept thinking about it. Kept trying to start. But he was terrified that it wouldn’t work, that it was too late. If he did it, if he actually said sorry now, and Jared didn’t care, then what? That would mean it was really, truly over for them. At least, if he didn’t try, he could pretend there was still a chance to salvage things.
“Why so down?” Gia asked, dropping into the seat beside Evan. She’d gone to get an iced coffee before class and her cup was making a small puddle on her desk.
“I’m fine,” Evan said because that’s what he always said.
“You’re mopey.” Gia took a sip of her coffee.
“I’m just tired.” Evan forced a smile. He couldn’t talk to Gia about Jared. There was too much to explain. He wouldn’t even know where to start. She knew Jared, of course. They’d gone to that party together and she sometimes saw him when she came to pick Evan up for class or to hang out. Jared made as little small talk with Gia as possible, but he was never openly hostile. Gia just assumed they weren’t great friends, she didn’t even know they’d known each other before college.
Gia accepted his answer, patting him on the back. “Want a caffeine hit?” She offered her drink.
Evan shook his head. “Thanks. I think I’ll just take a nap when I get home.”
He wouldn't. He could never sleep during the day when Jared was there. He could always hear Jared moving around and couldn’t seem to turn his brain off enough to actually fall asleep.
Jared hadn’t been sleeping much better either. Evan still heard him tossing and turning every night. Any progress he’s made since move-in day seemed to have disappeared. Evan was a little concerned he wasn’t getting any sleep at all. Not that he could voice that concern.
The days felt excruciatingly long and yet somehow they flew by. Evan saw Jared less and less in the dorm. He seemed to be on a mission to spend sunrise to sunset anywhere but home. Evan should’ve loved having the room to himself, but he was just painfully aware that Jared was not there because Evan was.
It got so bad that Evan almost called his mom to ask for advice. He decided against it. He knew she would just give him some shit about how friendships are ever lasting and he should just be open and communicate with Jared. She didn’t understand that communication wasn’t really he and Jared’s thing.
His attempts at conversation got more and more pathetic.
“Finally seems like it’s getting cold,” he said, shedding his jacket and tossing it on his desk.
Jared continued typing like he hadn’t heard anything.
“I mean, I can actually wear layers now, which is nice. I like layers.”
Jared slowly closed his laptop. He stood up, picked it up, and walked out of the room.
Evan flopped onto his bed, burying his face in his pillow.
He still saw Jared on the way to and from class sometimes. He’d seen him across the room at a few parties. A few times he’d even been tipsy enough to try and approach Jared, but he would always disappear before Evan could get through the crowd to him, leaving Evan feeling lost and alone and… sad.
Evan still didn’t really enjoy parties at all, but he had friends now. Gia, of course, but also Mallory and Freddy from their com class. Sometimes a few others too. And they seemed to like Evan, so they kept inviting him, and Evan kept saying yes because he was scared that if he said no, they’d stop hanging out with him. They’d develop new inside jokes he didn’t get and have stories he wasn’t a part of and forget to ask him to come to lunch before class and slowly, he’d get phased out of the friend group and in four years they’d all graduate together and take pictures in their caps and gowns and none of them would even remember Evan Hansen. So he went to a lot of parties.
There was one other thing distracting Evan from his Jared problem. In one week, he had his biggest speech due for com class. The ones in the past had either been group projects or much shorter. They also allowed him to read directly from a pre-written script. This time, he was supposed to give a ten to fifteen minute speech on a novel, movie, or song of his choosing. He was to briefly describe the plot, explain a major theme, and provide two specific details that supported the theme. He was allowed one notecard with bullet points to reference, but he was not allowed to read directly from it.
As sad as Evan was about Jared not talking to him and the implications of what had happened after the party, he couldn’t focus on anything other than this speech which was twisting his stomach into violent knots.
“Evan, it’s gonna be fine,” Gia said for the millionth time. “As long as you hit the three criteria on the rubric: summary, theme, and evidence. That’s all she cares about.”
“No, no,” Evan shook his head. “Cause the rubric also says that you’re graded on-on-on fluidity and projection.”
“So be fluid and project.” Gia shoved him lightly.
Evan laid his head on the table. They were sitting outside a coffee shop on campus, practicing their speeches. Gia nailed hers in one go and decided she didn’t need anymore practice. Evan had just finished his sixth attempt. Not a single one went smoothly.
“You’re overthinking it.”
“I’m thinking exactly enough.”
Gia groaned. She had a far lower tolerance for Evan’s whining than… certain other people did, historically.
“Let’s just go get some ice cream and watch a movie. We can invite everyone to crash my dorm and have a slumber party.”
Evan lifted his head. He knew that a movie night would not help, but he could see the hope in Gia’s eyes. The hope that Evan would let this go.
“One more. And then movie.”
Gia sighed. “Okay. Last one.”
Evan ran through his speech approximately twenty-seven more times before the day came around. He practiced it in the shower, at a low volume so Jared wouldn’t hear. He mumbled it under his breath as he walked to class. He silently mouthed it in the dark when he couldn’t sleep. By the night before the due date, he could get through the whole thing without stumbling too much, and without forgetting anything.
The morning of the assignment, Evan vomited into his desk trash can.
Jared stared at him from the sink where he’d been brushing his teeth.
Evan sank to the floor, cradling the trashcan between his legs. “Fuck. I’m so fucked. I’m so beyond fucked.”
Jared spit into the sink, rinsed his mouth, and walked back across the room. Evan thought for a moment that Jared was going to crouch down and ask if he was okay. Or maybe offer to bring him some water. Instead, Jared grabbed his backpack from its place on the back of his desk chair and turned around.
Just before the door shut, he said, “Take out that trash bag before you leave.”
It was the first thing he’d said to Evan in weeks.
In the end, Gia had to practically drag Evan to class. He protested every step of the way, twisting and squirming, but her grip was somehow insanely strong. She forced him into his seat and kept her hand clamped on his arm so he couldn’t run.
He gave his speech, only stuttering twice, and then promptly left the room and threw up in the bathroom. He got a B plus.