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“James, are you sure we have to go to this dinner? I think your parents already love me.” Regulus says with a small chuckle, hiding his nervous heartbeat away. Regulus looks around the room they share and sees gifts from James’ mother, she always sends Regulus something small and it is always a perfect gift. At first Regulus thought it must've been a mistake, he never gets gifts especially if he never did anything to earn it but James assured him countless times it was just a “just cause” gift. It was not the first time Regulus realized how easy it is to be loved by a Potter but it was his first time seeing how easy it would’ve been for him to love the same way if he was lucky enough to be a Potter in the first place.
“They do love you so much, not as much as me obviously, but this dinner is just another just cause moment don’t worry love.” James messes up Regulus’ hair after he’s tried to fix it for the past hour. Of course he has no worries about this entire night, of course it’s so easy for him to be easy about everything. Life comes easy to a Potter, everyone knows it. Regulus has never been inside the Potters’ house, everytime James went home for a weekend during school or for the holidays James would invite him but Regulus always said no. Regulus spent holidays at Sirius and Remus’ because although his brother and Remus were disgustingly in love, he was comfortable there. Regulus knew he would not be comfortable at the Potters’ no matter how comfortable they tried to make it for him. And that was the problem wasn't it? Regulus did not want to be seen as a wounded puppy in need of saving from a Potter, he loves James fiercely but that does not mean Regulus is weak and that’s exactly what he would feel if he stepped foot in the Potters’. After weeks of insisting and asking kindly, Regulus caved and agreed for one dinner with the Potters’ and from there they would consider visiting often if it was a success.
“I better be treated well after this whole dinner date Potter.” Regulus eyes him down and James gives him a smile worth dying for, it was a smile for the ages not even the sun or stars could rival it. It was all Regulus needed to feel like he could overcome this dinner, it would make James happy and that’s all Regulus wanted anyways. Hand in hand the Regulus took the heart of James Potter, the boy worth it all, and they both headed out the door towards the car. It would all be okay, Regulus knew it and James knew it.
Three knocks on the door. Regulus suddenly became hyper aware of his surroundings, he did not want to overthink this. It’s just dinner. It’s just dinner with your boyfriend. It’s just a dinner.
“Welcome! Oh my lovely James beta come here, aaja (come) beta I made your favorite food tonight!” James’ mother swings the door open and braces her son closely while saying more things in Hindi Regulus is 50% keeping up with although rough around the edges.
“You must be Regulus, sorry for my wife, she gets excited when her son comes home. Please come inside!” James’ father greets Regulus, cordial and polite, just the way Regulus was accustomed to. Regulus shakes Fleamont’s hand and takes his shoes and jacket off, everything has to be perfect and so far Regulus feels he’s doing pretty well.
“No worries Mr. Potter, I think it’s sweet she gets excited the same even after all the visits he does every weekend.” Shit. Shit. Regulus starts to panic, he feels his heart rate rapidly pick up as if he ran 500 mph for his life. His mind was racing faster and faster.
Was the joke too informal? Was that mean? Did that come off rude? Do they hate me? Did I mess up already?
Fleamont laughs and pats Regulus on the back, bringing him away from his thoughts. Oh. Oh, it was okay, he laughed. Unless that’s bad too, fuck this is too much. Regulus knew this was too much, he knew he could not handle this. He told James, he pleaded almost, he fucking told James.
“You’re a funny one, James likes the funny ones. You should’ve seen the way Euphemia greeted James after he did not come back for a whole month staying with your brother, my gosh you would think he died in war.” Fleamont laughs and sits down
Regulus smiles slightly and nods, he can’t trust himself with the things he can say. It’s getting bad again and he can’t stop the thoughts. Holy fuck the thoughts are so loud.
They hate me. They are making fun of me. I hate them, why did they get this life? What did they win to get handed this life? Who do they think they are?
“Regulus? Everything alright son? You look absolutely pale in the face my boy.” Fleamont stands and stares at Regulus. For a second, just for a second, Regulus thinks the unthinkable. He shakes it out of his head and quickly nods.
“I’m good no worries Mr. Potter, just hungry and it seems your wife has cooked the best meal from what I can smell.” Give them a show of their life, the Regulus Black smile, everyone adores it never failed him before and it won’t fail him now.
“Oh yes understandable, you don’t have to call me ‘Mr. Potter’ by the way Regulus, anyone our James loves is one of our own. Call me Fleamont.” Mr. Potter– Fleamont – sits back down next to Regulus and pats his back.
Another nod and Regulus Black smile, how pathetic is Regulus. Here the Potters’ are being so kind and caring and all he can do is smile and nod. Regulus wants to do his best, for James, he decides to ask for a tour of the house. The easiest way to get conversation going, Regulus would not be expected to talk much, and he can regulate his thoughts with things surrounding him.
“Over here are all the photo frames from James and the family, occasionally your brother is here too. Sirius is so dear to us, the fact that you and James are together makes us so happy. Go on, you can check these pictures out, I'll check if Mrs. Potter needs anything.” Another pat on the back from Fleamont and Regulus was left on his own, to think and to wander a little.
This was nice, the tour was nice. Regulus could feel how loving the house was, the warmth of the beds and sound of laughter. There was a lot of love in this house and you could feel it out on the doorstep. It's a shock that a boy with this much love in his life still chose Regulus.
A wooden photo frame caught Regulus’ eye, it was James as a child. His mom was kissing his head and his dad was holding him, proud like a father and close to him like a best friend. How can anyone fit into James’ life when he has it all, why does he still complain when he has the world in his hands? Anger or resentment or sadness all bubble up inside Regulus and he can feel his thoughts getting loud again.
Another distraction quick
Regulus quickly goes back downstairs to help set the table. Lots of things are done differently at the Potters’. Everyone sits at the same table and eats, even if someone is mad at someone else. Everyone helps set the table. There is no wrong or right way to set the table, just whatever is convenient. Shoes outside. Regulus remembers all of this and does his best to assimilate into the changes, this environment suddenly felt stuffy and hard to breathe. He doesn’t feel hungry at all but he noticed a bottle of wine that suddenly felt very tempting. Maybe this night has some salvation.
“Here let me help with this Mrs. Potter” Regulus extends a hand to carry the wine glasses to the table.
“Oh thank you my boy, and you can call me Euphemia Regulus no need for formalities when James brings you over.” Mrs. Potter – Euphemia – smiles at Regulus and Regulus nods. James gets his million dollar smile from his mother it seems, that made Regulus feel a bit sad he liked it better before when James’ smile was his own and not a replication of James’ mother.
What the hell are you thinking? Of course James is a reflection of his parents, you’re a reflection of your parents so he obviously is. James being a reflection of his parents is not a bad thing. It’s not a bad thing. It’s not a bad thing.
Regulus finished setting the glasses in the respective places, he feels he did a good job and it does not take long for his work to get praise. Euphemia gives his hair a ruffle – so much for trying hard to fix his hair – and says thank you. Regulus smiles and retreats back to the living room.
The rest of the night goes smoothly, Regulus manages himself quite well with James by his side. They all sat and ate a wonderful Indian dinner and Regulus wouldn’t ever admit it but Indian cuisine seemed to relax him, that or the fact he had a bit too much wine thanks to James’ dad. Overall the dinner was wonderful and Regulus started to feel elated. He was so happy to be in a house with James and laughing, he was so happy to be doing things right without the stress of doing them wrong, there was no worries or stresses. Regulus started to feel he could do anything at the moment.
“Someone’s beaming with joy right now… Reggie, you never smile this much around me. My parents did a number on you?” James appears right behind Regulus which scares him half to death. Fuck. James knows about jumpscaring him, Regulus hates it. Suddenly euphoria blends into fear, which blends into anger. The emotions were getting hard, Regulus felt exhausted very quickly. He finished the plan, they should be leaving soon. Regulus told himself they should be leaving soon, so he stares at James for 10 seconds blank in the face until Regulus quickly rebounds.
“I learned you fell into the pool with your outside clothes on at the age of 12, I’d say a good 9 with childhood stories.” Regulus looks away cooly, he’s okay he is with James he’s okay.
“Oh my god I cannot believe he would tell you that.” James hides his face in hands and falls right next to Regulus on the couch.
“I didn’t even have to ask twice, he told me it all Potter.” Regulus messes up James’ hair and smiles at him, with him he can be infinite. With him he felt like nothing could hurt them, even himself.
“Yeah yeah be sure to thank him on the way out will ya?” James says with a laugh, laying his head on Regulus’ shoulder.
Regulus tenses a little, why is he telling me what to do? Does he think I don’t know how to do things? That I’m stupid? He has no clue about manners and he’s preaching to me? No, Regulus knows better. He feels the voices get quiet with every breath James takes on Regulus’ shoulder. Regulus knows better, he knows James doesn’t think that way and he’s doing so good so far. Just a little more and they can go home.
“Speaking of which James, when do you wanna head out? It’s getting kinda late, no?” Regulus asks while drawing circles in James' palm.
“In a bit yeah, no rush though we could spend the night here even. My parents love you. I'm not surprised though you’re very lovable, but my parents wouldn’t mind.” James says casually.
Regulus’ heart skips 10 beats, his parents like him thank god but staying over for the night? That wasn’t in the plan, not at all in the plan. It was supposed to be dinner and going home, Regulus doesn’t know how long he can keep himself if the whole night he’s going to be here. This wasn’t right, anger starts bubbling in Regulus quickly. They had a plan, James should stick with it.
“Hm I suppose, I don’t want to impose though we should probably leave.” Regulus says quickly, it’s starting to stress Regulus out. He wants to leave so badly, the air is stuffy and the dinner he ate is not sitting right. He just wants to leave, he’s tired so tired the emotions are getting too much. He can’t tell James though, he’ll get hurt and Regulus would not know what to do if he ever hurt James.
“You wanna leave that bad? Reggie come on, it’s nice here!” James says laughing, it was a joke– that’s all it was– a joke. James jokes like that with everyone and everything, sarcasm and James are best friends. But when Regulus’ emotions are not balanced and everything seems to be setting him off, this was not what Regulus needed to hear. He couldn’t do it anymore, the performance, the acting, the constant talking himself down, he can’t do it.
“Yeah fuck you, I’m leaving James.” Regulus quickly gets up and tells his goodbyes to James’ parents. James stirs up and looks confused, quickly he heads towards Regulus and stands next to him looking only at him.
“Thank you for this wonderful dinner Euphemia, I would love to come again but I have to rush out back to school. Thank you for the dinner and leftovers though.” Regulus plasters a smile on his face and covers his anger with the kindest words.
“Leaving so soon Regulus? That’s a shame, we would love to have you any time sweetheart. Our home is yours, never feel bad for coming over! Enjoy the leftovers, and James drive the boy home and text us when you’re back beta (child)!” Euphemia hugs both of them, James knows he has to say something.
A thousand thoughts are running in his head right now, he has no clue what he did to make Regulus mad again. He knows he can say things out of turn but tonight was going so perfectly. He thought they finally had a good night, a simple night. James says bye to his parents quickly and follows after Regulus.
“What the hell is going on? Did I say something?” James asks loudly as Regulus puts the leftovers in the backseat.
“Regulus say something, I’m the one driving damn it. Talk to me.” James stares at him and Regulus stares at James. Regulus has had enough, this is all too much for him. Of course the perfect boy standing in front of him has no clue what he’s done, but in all honesty Regulus doesn’t know why he’s mad at James either. He just knows he’s mad, and James is the only one who can tell he’s mad.
“What do you want me to say Potter? I don’t know what to say so please tell me what you want to hear.” Regulus backs away and walks towards the passenger seat. He slams the door as he gets in, James flinches. James told Regulus how much he hates slamming doors, he hates loud noises. James curses at himself and stares at the sky before getting in, the moon is covered in clouds. It’s always cloudy with the moon, as if it can’t make a decision.
James gets in the car and turns on the engine, he pulls up the directions and continues in silence. He knows he didn’t do anything but it’s so exhausting, Regulus never communicating his feelings and James always playing guess what with him. He thought they would finally have a good night damn it.
“I’m sorry…” Regulus says quietly. He’s looking down at his fingers and James looks over at Regulus.
“Reggie… what happened?” James softly speaks to Regulus and holds his hands. It’s a pleading effort from James, the final battle James has in him and all he wants is for Regulus to open up and say what he’s feeling. Truly letting himself on the line.
Regulus stares at the eyes of his lover, he knows he should tell him all the emotions and how tired Regulus was feeling and how he just wanted to spend the night with the boy in glasses. Regulus wants to find the words, he can’t find them. Regulus looks back down and pulls his hands back.
“James, let's drop it, let’s just drive home. I said sorry, let’s go home and forget it. Let’s drop it.” Regulus finally says. James pulls his hands back and stares at Regulus, it’s a broken look Regulus has never seen in James. The look of someone who cannot continue, and Regulus starts to get an odd feeling in his stomach again. Is it fear? Is it a relief? Is it sadness? Whatever it may be, it doesn’t feel good and Regulus knows something wrong is going to happen.
“Okay.” James finally says quietly, and he pulls the car out and drives them back home. Not a word was spoken the entire drive, Regulus stared outside the entire time and James focused on the road. It wasn’t until they pulled into the driveway that Regulus broke the silence.
“Are you mad at me?” Regulus’ breath catches and he feels the tears well up. It was everything from the night coming to ahead, it was everything for the past months coming to a close. He just wants to be right for James, and he feels so wrong. He doesn’t know what he feels, but he knows he feels wrong.
“Lets go inside Reggie, I’m not mad.” James sighs and gives Regulus a small smile, not the same smile to die for but a smile that can allow Regulus to breathe. Regulus nods and they both enter the house.
“Regulus, you have to talk to me, love. I can’t keep guessing your emotions, you have to tell me whatever it is you’re feeling.” James gently says looking earnestly at Regulus. They’ve had this talk over a thousand times, it’s always James begging Regulus to just lay himself on the line and Regulus never allowing it to happen. James doesn’t know why Regulus won’t just give it to him straight, if its anger or love James wants to see it all. He just wants to feel his lover.
“I don’t know…” Regulus says defeated. James sighs, he knew deep down this would be the answer.
“Don’t be mad please, I wish I knew James. I’m working on it, I really am.” Regulus says quickly.
“I know Reg, but I don’t know if this is the right time for… us.” James says quietly. He was clenching his fists, a distraction from the pain that would show on his face.
“What do you mean? You don’t mean…?” Regulus stops speaking and looks down. He knew it would come to this.
“We’ve been having the same conversation, argument, and breaks for months. We’ve been on and off for months, Reg, and I’ve tried to give you the space and time but you never talk to me. Like really talk to me Reg.” James for the first time sounded defeated towards Regulus, he knew there would be no coming back from this.
“Tonight was just a lot James okay? You sit there and complain about your parents all the time and tonight all I saw was how lucky you are and how good you have it–”
“Reg don’t get on me for communicating my feelings just cause you can’t.”
“IT'S NOT ABOUT COMMUNICATION! You don’t get it James, I can’t be a part of ALL THIS! THIS IS NOT MY NORMAL! You have no idea how good you have it don't you? How lucky you are to have what you have, I can’t be a part of all this. It's not fair to you.”
"IT IS ABOUT COMMUNICATION REGULUS! THAT'S ALL I WANT FROM YOU, TALK TO ME." James pleads with Regulus.
"How much more can I tell you, you want me to tell you every emotion that passed through my head tonight? It was a lot, I was feeling a lot and I was exhausted and then you just told me you wanted to stay the night. It set me off edge." Regulus says while pacing the living room.
"If you were truly uncomfortable going to my parents house you could've just told me, you kept making excuses to not go I never knew it was cause you were uncomfortable..." James feels a pinch of sadness.
"I'm sorry." Regulus says coldly.
"I'm confused still, it's just not clear to me. You were wonderful with my parents the entire time, what was upsetting you?" James didn't want to stop because this is the most he's heard about Regulus' emotions in months.
"I know what you're trying to do and I'm too tired for it James. Maybe I'm too tired for anything, I don't what's going on with me and it's killing me everyday that I can't be the ideal partner for you." Regulus wipes the tears before they fall, not looking at James. James quickly kneals in front of Regulus and holds his hands.
"I know you're tired and if you think the best way you can feel better is without the pressure of "us", then we can do that. Regulus I want what's best for you and if that means you need more time to understand yourself then that's okay. I know there are some things I can't help with, but I never wanted this relationship to be a burden for you. I'm sorry if it came to that." James says, he blinks back tears and holds strong for Regulus. That's the least he can do for the boy he loves loudly.
"Maybe... maybe just for the time being. I just need time to understand myself James."
"I know and that's okay, this isn't a bad thing and you still always have me in your corner. I'll always believe and root for you Regulus." James holds Regulus' gaze deeply.
"I know, you're an idiot for that."
"For you, an idiot for you." James smiles small
"You can't keep flirting with me if you want me to be single James." Regulus bites back a smile.
"I can keep doing whatever I want because I personally don't want you to be single. But I know it's what's best for you." James was being honest and Regulus knew it. He knew James would never fall in love with another the same way ever again. Regulus knew the James would always come running over if he ever needed the help, James saved Regulus' life and for that Regulus always felt in debt to James. The idiot boy with glasses would never truly leave him alone.
"I love you." James says, he gets close to Regulus their noses inches away from each other and Regulus smiles. Regulus kisses his forehead, the safe option but the most loving option.
"I love you James, thank you. Somehow you're so understanding even in a breakup." Regulus smiles and James smiles back.
"It's easy understanding you, I just need you to see that for yourself." James says.
"Will we ever work out? In the future?" Regulus says softly. He knows it's for the best to breakup, this night was a display of how they can never be each others normal. However Regulus wants to be selfish about one thing and he wants James in this life not another life but this one.
"I'll move stars to make sure of it Reg." James says, and James stands up to sit next to Regulus on the couch.
"You have got to stop that, this is a breakup James." Regulus smirks.
"I know I know, I'll get my stuff in the morning. Let's play pretend for tonight." James hugs Regulus and lays down on the couch with him. They fit perfectly, just as they hoped and they hope they can fit like this again in the future.