Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It’s 4.30pm in downtown Seoul, sky grey in winter, and Hanbin’s shivering in his hoody and shorts as he walks home from the subway station. He curses himself for not looking out the window before he ran out the door this morning.

It begins to rain big fat droplets. The type that makes splattering noises on pavements and soaks you right to your bones. The type that also makes you wish you checked the weather report this morning.

He stops in front of a flower boutique and pretends to look at the potted ferns. There are a few people inside engaged in an animated conversation. A loud crack of thunder echoes in the distance and the sky illuminates with lightning that follows. Hanbin continues to leech free shelter from under the awning. He figures he’s got a few free minutes before the florist comes out.

There’s a squeak of shoes to his right and he straightens up to see a guy peering at another pot plant. His white t-shirt drenched to the point of being transparent and his blue shorts have big wet splotches of navy where the rain has hit. Hanbin immediately notices the mass of black lines and shapes underneath the thin wet fabric. His curiosity locking his gaze to the spot.

He eventually drags his eyes away, only to find himself caught up in an amused stare. For a few seconds they just look at one another, each taking in their matching wet shorts and the ridiculous circumstance which has them both using the florist’s shop as shelter.

“So,” The Guy says casually. “How long do you think we can pretend to browse for flowers before she comes out?”

Hanbin chuckles. He looks back into the shop and the florist is eyeing them suspiciously as she continues her conversation with the customers inside.

“Until that couple leaves.”

“Hmm. You forget it was meant to be raining too?” The Guy gestures to their summer clothes.

Hanbin nods. “Yeah.”

The Guy wipes his hands on his wet shorts before extending it out. “I’m Jiwon.”

“Hanbin.” Both their hands are damp and cold and Hanbin is cataloguing it as one of the most uncomfortable handshakes he’s ever been involved with.

“Do you want to go get a coffee?”

“Huh?” Hanbin looks up, startled by the boldness of the question.

“Yeah. The florist is coming out and she looks kinda pissed that we might steal something.” Jiwon says hurriedly.

Through the window Hanbin can see the florist walking slowly towards them with furrowed eyebrows and pursed lips. “Oh shit…yeah. Let’s go.”

The Guy, Jiwon, turns and runs off laughing. Hanbin chases after him, head first into the winter thunderstorm.

Chapter Text

They stop at the corner cafe, both sighing as the dry warmth hits their faces. The pleasant feeling is short lived because, as Hanbin discovers, it’s difficult to be comfortable when you’re sitting in wet heavy shorts and talking to a stranger.

He sips his green tea and stares at the outline of the tiger inked on Jiwon’s right forearm. “I like that.”

Jiwon smiles as he traces over it with a finger. “Me too. I’ve been meaning to finish it off for awhile but you know how it is.”

Hanbin hums into his tea because he doesn’t really know how it is.

“Do you have any?”

Hanbin looks up and wills himself not to stare at the tiny line of milk above Jiwon’s lip. He clears his throat. “Ah….no. No, I haven’t yet. But I really want to get one soon.”

Jiwon props his elbow on the table, head resting languidly on his right hand, as if he wasn’t cold, wet and uncomfortable. “Yeah? What are you going to get?”

Hanbin fingers start shredding the paper napkin on the table. “I really don’t know. That’s the problem. There are so many things I want to get but at the same time, I don’t really love any of them enough to make it permanent. I don’t know. Maybe a rose. That’s probably boring and lame.”

He chuckles nervously but Jiwon just gives him a warm smile. “It’s not boring. I might get some for Richard Parker.”

Hanbin raises a quizzical eyebrow. “Richard Parker?”

A sheepish look crosses Jiwon’s face as he points to his tiger tattoo. “I named him. Richard Parker. It’s from this book my tattoo guy’s been reading. About a pie or something. Sounds like an awesome book if there are tigers and pies in it.”

Laughter bubbles up inside Hanbin’s chest and he does try to keep it down but it bursts out anyway.

Jiwon frowns. “What? WHAT?!”

Hanbin holds a hand over his chest as he tries to stop laughing. He looks at Jiwon’s endearingly perplexed face and it takes all of his energy not to get started again. “The book’s called Life of Pi. P-I. As in 3.14159.”

“So not like apple pie then?”

“Nope, not like apple pie at all.”

Jiwon narrows his eyes. “So Richard Parker does maths? The book is about a tiger who does maths?”

And Hanbin really has to forcibly restrain himself from laughing again. It only half works.

“What?! Stop laughing at me!”

Hanbin shrinks back into his seat and holds his hands up in surrender. “Okay I’m sorry! I’m sorry! That’s just…..the funniest thing I’ve heard all month. Didn’t your tattoo guy tell you about the story?”

Jiwon sighs and rolls his eyes. “He probably did. He tells me a lot of things but honestly, I don’t even know when he’s telling the truth and when it’s bullshit.”

“Really? I kinda want to meet this guy now.”

Jiwon perks up at that, face animated with excitement. “Wait, you can! He can do your tattoo! He’s seriously good. I mean, he’s also kind of a jerk but I’ll come with you, to make sure he behaves himself.”

There’s a pause after Jiwon finishes talking and Hanbin’s feeling vaguely awkward about the invitation. Was it even an invitation? He tries to get his brain to run an analysis but it’s coming up empty, possibly because all the blood is draining to his burning cheeks.

Mind blank, Hanbin picks up his mug of tea and resorts to hiding his face behind it instead. He can see Jiwon mirroring the action from across the table.

“Hey,” Jiwon says quietly a few seconds later. “It stopped raining.”

Hanbin looks out the window. The loud chaos of the thunderstorm has faded, leaving behind an eerily calm hush over the alley way outside the cafe. He can see the corner of the sun peeking out from behind the clouds, casting golden hues over the cold grey sky.

“We should-”

“-yeah. We should.”

They both shiver as they step outside the cafe. Hanbin is just about to turn in the opposite direction when he feels Jiwon’s fingers touch his arm.

“So. I’ll see you around…” The inflection at the end tells Hanbin that it’s probably a question but something in Jiwon’s face makes him wonder if it’s a statement too.

And for the second time today, his useless brain deserts him. So he nods. “Yeah.”

Chapter Text

Friday. 8pm.

The expectation is for Hanbin to be on the couch after a horrific week at work, under a blanket, watching re-runs of Evangelion and eating spicy take-away.

The reality is that he’s guilt-tripped into accompanying some work colleagues to Bar Six for someone’s birthday drinks.

Bar Six was a new hole-in-the-wall joint tucked down an alleyway near the local train station. It had no obvious sign nor did it ever advertise its whereabouts. Despite this, it still managed to attract a certain crowd of young creative types who craved good music, a lively yet chill atmosphere and minimal pretension.

Half an hour later, Hanbin’s work colleagues have disappeared into the crowd and he’s sitting alone at the bar, wondering if he should sneak back home. He takes small swigs of his beer just to give himself something to do. There are glances in his direction and maybe if he had a few more drinks and was feeling sociable he’d make some effort to look back but as it stands, he’s both uninspired and apathetic.

At 9pm, the featured DJ comes out onto the small stage and begins checking his turntables and mixer consoles. He’s tall with dark hair, dark features and a dark t-shirt that displays two spectacularly elaborate sleeves of tattoos. There’s another figure on stage checking the cables, he has his back to Hanbin but the set of his shoulders trips radars in the dark recesses of Hanbin’s mind.

Wait.

He knows that arm.

He knows those tattoos.

He knows that tiger.

Fuck.

That’s Richard Parker.

*

Hanbin looks over to the DJ set again and yes, that is definitely 100% the Jiwon he met last week in the rain.

His heart must recognise Jiwon too because if it could speak, it’d be chanting It’s Jiwon! It’s Jiwon! over and over until Hanbin gets an arrhythmia and dies. Or worse, he faints at the bar and embarrasses himself in front of everyone.

He knows his subconscious must be too loud because Jiwon eventually looks up and Hanbin can see him slowly walking towards the bar in his peripheral vision.

Moments later, he feels a warm hand on his back. “Hey! I thought it was you!”

Hanbin tries to smile but he’s pretty sure it’s half a grimace. “Hey Jiwon.”

“Ah, you remember my name!” Jiwon’s smile is so big that his eyes disappear and his face is all teeth and cheeks. The neon red and purple light washes over his features in a psychedelic swirl that reminds Hanbin of Alice In Wonderland.

He doesn’t want to dwell on the fact that he remembers everything about Jiwon. Right down to the way Richard Parker’s tail rises east and curls west. Like the sun, he thinks.

Jiwon sits down next to him and chuckles at the shredded pile of beer labels. “So, are you here with someone?”

Hanbin flushes and gathers up the mess in a clammy fist. He debates between the truth and lying but he knows he’s rubbish at sustaining a lie. “Kinda. I came with a few workmates but I lost them.” And I also can’t be bothered finding them, he wants to say but doesn’t.

Jiwon hums and nods like he understands. “Oh…well, I’ll keep you company if you want. It’s June’s set tonight so at least we’re going to get some sick beats.”

The lights overhead dim slightly and the neon red and purple spotlights focus forward towards the DJ stage. Hanbin suddenly realises how packed the bar was getting because more people were pushing past him to watch the show.

There’s a hush. Then what Hanbin can only describe as the sound of a distant choir caught up in a washing machine. Hanbin finds himself nodding along in a semi trance-like state and attempts to keep up with the fragments of sampled loops. He sips his beer absentmindedly as he watches and tries not to notice when he’s been stared at.

After 45 minutes, June’s set draws to an end and tapers off into raucous cheering from the crowd. Hanbin watches him bow to the audience and fist bump the next DJ who makes his way onto the stage for the next set.

Jiwon stands up then, leaning close to Hanbin’s ear so unexpectedly fast that Hanbin jerks away and almost topples right off his chair. “Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be right back.”

Hanbin nods as he watches Jiwon weave his way through the crowd to disappear through a door behind the stage.

The new DJ’s set is less recognisable and features less pop culture sampling, which means that Hanbin’s brain has time to speculate how Jiwon knows June and where he went. It’s never a good thing when Hanbin is left with his thoughts.

Suddenly, June comes out from behind the door with his heavily tattooed arm across Jiwon’s shoulder. Hanbin tries to ignore the drop of disappointment in his chest but he can already feel his mouth pulling itself into a frown.

He watches them stand to the side of the stage talking into each other’s ears. He knows he really shouldn’t stare but he does. It serves him right when he gets caught like a deer in June’s smirky headlights. He watches him laugh and raise his other hand up to wave. Hanbin looks to either side of him but there’s nobody else sitting there. When he looks back June is still laughing and then pushing Jiwon into the direction of the bar.

Hanbin has about a million questions to ask but he’s beaten to the punch. “That was June. He was waving at you by the way.”

If Hanbin felt socially awkward before this, he feels about ten times more awkward now. “Yeah, sorry. I thought he was waving at someone else.”

“Well, I told you he was a bit of a jerk. I told him it’d freak you out but he just had to do it anyway.”

And then it clicks in Hanbin’s brain. “Oh….that’s the Pi guy. The one who does your tattoos?”

Jiwon nods. “Yeah. That’s him. He DJs here on Fridays. Hey, you hungry? Wanna get out of here?”

The music swells loudly at that moment and drowns out Hanbin’s voice. So he nods and lets Jiwon lead him through the crowd, up the stairs and out into the alley way.

Half an hour of eating his dry weight in fried street food and Hanbin is full, warm and still slightly buzzed from the alcohol he drank at the bar. Jiwon is walking him back to the train station and telling him about all the tattoos he plans on getting. He thought he heard something about a fish or a horse and he thinks that maybe Jiwon just wants an entire zoo eventually.

“So have you made any decisions about what you’re gonna get?”

“I think I might still get a rose. That sounds so boring.”

“No, it doesn't. Hey listen, I’m going to June’s shop on Sunday to get Richard Parker done. Do you want to come?”

Panic rises in Hanbin’s throat. “Oh….I don’t want to waste his time or anything.”

Jiwon waves his hands dismissively. “What? Nah. Don’t worry. We go way back. He doesn’t really work on Sundays so that’s when we catch up to finish my pieces. You don’t have to get anything done. Just…come meet him properly? He’s got tons of books there too, if you want to get some ideas.”

“Um, well…,” Hanbin trails off and bites his lower lip. The expression on Jiwon’s face so earnest and kind that he’s almost angry at how easy he can be manipulated by it. “Okay. I guess I can come.”

Jiwon lets out a relieved breath and Hanbin’s somewhat surprised that he never even bothers to hide these things. Almost like he doesn’t care what Hanbin knows about him or can deduce from his actions.

Jiwon pulls out his phone and hands it to Hanbin, who takes it with a blank look on his face. “I need your number…” Jiwon prompts.

Oh.

He saves his number as “Kim Hanbin.” Just incase Jiwon knows other kinds of Hanbins.

It’s not until he’s stepped on his train and waves at Jiwon through the window that he realises he never asked for his number.

All he can do is wait.

Chapter Text

June is in the middle of cleaning the tattoo couch and humming along to 'Independent Women’ when he hears Jiwon pushing through the doors of his tattoo shop.

“Seriously. You couldn’t find better clothes?”

Jiwon looks down at his white t-shirt and oversized camo shorts. “What? What’s wrong with this? It’s Sunday!”

June rolls his eyes and wanders into the small back room to check on the kettle. “Oh okay. Just a regular Sunday with your best pal. Oh Sure. Nothing important happening today.”

Jiwon leans against the door frame. “Can you please not make a big deal out of this? Like, for once in your life, can you be normal and not embarrass me?”

June lets out a incredulous laugh. “You’re kidding right?”

“I’m serious June. You’ll freak him out. He’s a bit quiet.”

June stops pouring the boiling water into the teapot and carefully sets the kettle back down on the benchtop. “Well shit. It does sound serious. When’s the wedding? Am I your best man?”

Jiwon groans. “Oh my god. See? This? This is what I’m talking about. Don’t do any of this when he gets here.”

June puts the teapot, three cups and a pack of green-tea flavoured cookies on a tray and hands it to Jiwon to carry back to the main room. “Oh relax. He’s probably a fucking weirdo himself.”

June surveys his best friend. Usually exuberant and brimming full of warm optimism and confidence but right now, there’s concern and apprehension in his eyes and he’s chewing on the his index finger with anxiety so strong that it washes over the both of them like a wave.

June sighs, walks over and swats Jiwon’s finger away from his mouth with a tsk. “Stop that. God. And you’re worried that I’m going to embarrass you.”

There’s silence as June pulls out some books on floral tattoos and spreads them over another small table. “It’s gonna be fine and if things go to shit, you distract him while I spike all our cups with some gin.”

Jiwon snorts. “You should never be let out in public unsupervised.”

June gives him a wolfish grin.

*

Destiny’s Child is blasting through the speakers and June is mid-dance when he notices a figure in black ripped jeans and a pink hoody hovering by the front window. He turns down the volume and watches as Hanbin reads the shop’s name with a small smile and checks his phone twice before pushing hesitantly through the doors.

June puts on his friendliest and least threatening face. “Hey! You must be Hanbin?”

Hanbin nods and gives him a small smile. “Um, yeah. Hi.”

June watches his eyes dart a million miles per hour around the shop with a mix of curiosity and awe, taking in the wall-to-wall art, indoor bonsai trees and large bookcases. “I’m June. Welcome to Rorschach’s.”

Hanbin’s smile shows a hint of a smirk. “Clever name.”

June’s momentarily taken aback. The well-rehearsed spiel about the name of the shop gets stuffed back down his throat as he clears it. “Yeah, I thought it was funny. But you know, hardly anybody appreciates the genius.”

Hanbin quirks an eyebrow. “Really? Well, I like it.”

“You know who didn’t get it for like 5 minutes? Jiwon.”

They both share a knowing chuckle. “Sounds about right.”

“What sounds about right?” June and Hanbin both turn to see Jiwon standing in the doorway of the back room with a lopsided grin on his face. “Hey Hanbin.”

Hanbin raises a sweater paw and waves awkwardly. “Hey.”

June looks back and forth between the two of them and almost busts a vein trying to keep his comments to himself. Oh God I’m trapped with two lame idiots for the next 3 hours.

June clears his throat again. “So. Hanbin. You can come sit here next to our Princess Peach.” He ignores Jiwon’s protest at the nickname and ushers Hanbin into a leather chair and points to the books on the small table beside it. “And there’s some light reading for you.”

Jiwon brushes past him to lay on the tattoo couch. “This will probably get boring after awhile. You can leave or fall asleep or whatever…we won’t be offended.”

“No,” Hanbin says without looking up, “I’ll stay until you’re done.”

*

For 15 minutes Hanbin sips his tea and watches June work on shading Jiwon’s Richard Parker tattoo. He’s since abandoned the books, in favour of staring at Jiwon’s skin and answering June’s questions. He finds out that June is both incredibly talkative and curious, with a lightning fast wit and a snarky quip for every occasion. He also finds out that he’s been Jiwon’s friend for close to 2 decades, the sharp acid that balances out Jiwon’s alkaline mellowness.

“Got any brothers or sisters Hanbin?”

“A younger sister. She’s turning 10 soon. What about you?”

“I’ve got a younger brother. He’s really annoying and thinks Yann Martel’s book is about a tiger mathematician and desserts.”

Hanbin laughs. “Oh man, what a loser. Guess you got all the good genes.”

“I’m RIGHT HERE!” Jiwon says hotly. “I can hear you both.”

“We know.” June says in a sing-song voice. “We want you to.”

Another hour passes and Hanbin finds himself forgetting about his nerves altogether. He and June discuss their favourite books and authors (yes to Joyce and Orwell, no to Woolf) and have somehow already made plans to swap a few to read.

“Jiwon. Tell him your favourite book.”

Jiwon shoots June a glare but his eyes are focused down on the tattoo. He doesn’t miss the amused smirk on his face.

“What is it?” Hanbin leans forward with a curious expression.

“Ah….it’s not like deep literature or anything,” Jiwon starts hesitantly as he feels a blush creeping up his neck. He’s going to kill June when this is over. “But it’s ‘Winnie The Pooh’.”

He’s not sure what he was expecting but it definitely wasn’t Hanbin’s biggest smile, the one where his dimples pierce through his cheeks and right into Jiwon’s chest. “Oh! Those are classics though. I like them too.”

Instead of burning with embarrassment, Jiwon just feels warm. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Hanbin nods, making brief eye contact before looking down and pulling at the threads on his jeans.

June catches it and shakes his head in happy disbelief. They’re like a fucking movie. He feigns surprise and continues shading Richard Parker’s stripes. “Wow, would you look at that? You’re practically twins. It’s like this is meant to be.”

Hanbin gives him a confused look and Jiwon sighs in his chair. “Ignore him. The ink fumes have messed with his apparently superior brain.”

“Well, your blood is half ink by now so what does that make you? Half-man, half-pen?“ June pokes out his tongue and Jiwon tries to be the bigger person but he couldn’t resist poking his back either.

Hanbin chuckles as he gets up to put on the second kettle. For the first time in a very long time, he feels like maybe he’s made some right decisions and the Universe has finally got his back on this one. Maybe he’s paid enough crappy dues to deserve this one great big reward. Was it worth the wait?

He hears Jiwon’s loud squawking laughter next to June’s seal bark and thinks, absolutely.

Chapter Text

Hanbin hates driving. He hates the stop-start motion. He hates how many tasks he’s expected to do. He hates that, no matter how cautious he is, all it takes is one reckless idiot to cause a crash. Most of all, he hates how anxious driving makes him.

But.

He loves being a passenger. He loves how the soothing and repetitive hum of the engine lulls him to sleep. He loves how he can just stare out the window and watch the world roll by without having to think of gear shifts and mirror-signal-manoeuvres. He loves the calm but sometimes he wants to feel the aggressive power of all cylinders firing and the way the engine growls into life around him.

Right now though, he just loves watching Jiwon drive.

They’re in The Beast, Jiwon’s secondhand black M3, and cruising down the freeway out of the city.

Everything about the way Jiwon drives is different. His left hand at ease on the wheel, his right hand tight with a roadmap of veins when he’s shifting gears but all smooth skin when he’s not. His body casually and comfortably planted in his seat. The way all his movements seem second nature, like the car is merely an obedient mechanical extension of his will and intent. The way there’s no doubting who is really in control.

Hanbin would feel envious if not for the fact that he just finds it a frighteningly attractive skill to have. Maybe because he knows he doesn’t have it. He still drives slow enough to drive Miss Daisy: bolt upright, tense and frighteningly unattractive.

Jiwon fiddles with the stereo system as they wait at the lights. The last strains of Run DMC thumps out through the Beast’s sub woofers before abruptly cutting to an old Dusty Springfield song that Hanbin hasn’t heard in years. Grimacing, Jiwon presses the skip button repeatedly, the music cutting from Dr. Dre to Michael Jackson to The Rolling Stones.

Hanbin looks over at him. “You okay there?”

Jiwon grunts and continues to skip through 3 more songs until the lights turn green and his finger relunctantly leaves the stereo, allowing Lupe Fiasco to finish his opening rhymes.

“Want me to pick something?” He meant to be helpful but Jiwon scoffs.

“You’re a nice guy Hanbin but if you ride the Beast you gotta stick to the rules. And the first rule is: driver picks the tunes, shotgun keeps his hands off the stereo.”

Hanbin rolls his eyes so hard that it vaguely hurts. “Oh okay. Didn’t know I was in Fight Club. Well, I guess you don’t want to hear the remix I made last night then.”

The Beast crawls to a stop at another red light. Jiwon is silent with a tense jaw for a moment before turning to Hanbin with a serious expression, “Okay. One song.”

Hanbin nods with his best serious face and tries not to laugh. “One song. Okay.”

He plugs his phone into the stereo system and turns on the playlist that took him 3 hours to make the night before. His remix of Kayne and The XX soon fills the small space and they both nod along in unison when the back beat kicks in. Jiwon looks over with a raised eyebrow, “You did this? It’s pretty good actually.”

Hanbin smirks. “Thanks for the tone of surprise. You should stop spoiling me with all these compliments.”

“I said it was good! What more do you want? Geez.”

Hanbin smiles and turns to look out the window. His playlist beats on as he watches the sky change from baby blue to indigo to black. The scenery changing from buildings and pavements to hills and trees. They eventually leave behind the haze of city lights as Jiwon steers the growling Beast up the windy path to the city’s look out point.

It’s only later, when the engine stops humming, that Hanbin realises he fell asleep. He can hear ‘The Lonely Shepherd’ playing in the background and there’s a soft grey hoody tucked around him like a blanket. When he buries his face in it, it smells like a woody-citrus cologne, generic laundry detergent and sweat. There’s something else that Hanbin can’t articulate, even with his extensive vocabulary. Something familiar but inexplicable.

The pessimistic corner of his heart warns him not to get poetic but truthfully, he’s not interested in knowing or trying to figure everything out. Not right now. The Universe is unsolvable and unknowable and that’s what makes it magic. Maybe it’s the same with Jiwon.

“Hey, you awake?”

Hanbin turns to the direction of the deep voice. The lethargic fog of sleep begins to dissipate, only to be replaced by the comforting glow of contentment. It’s the type that starts underground and spreads like a fever, hitting him unexpectedly and warming him from the inside out. “Yeah. That was a good drive.”

Jiwon lets out an amused chuckle. “Was it now? You know that you were unconscious for 90% of it right?”

Hanbin snuggles further into Jiwon’s hoody and stifles a yawn. “It was a good drive though. I know these things.”

Jiwon leans forward and peers at him through narrowed eyes. “Are you high?”

Hanbin groans and buries his face back in the hoody. “Shut up. I’m still sleepy ok?!”

He feels Jiwon’s hand grabbing the fabric to pull it away. He fights it out of principle but Jiwon easily wins and drags the hoody down to expose his embarrassed face with a victorious laugh.

He knows the static is messing his already messy hair and waits for Jiwon to joke about it but he doesn’t.

There’s an unreadable expression on Jiwon’s face. Hanbin hasn’t catalogued them all yet and while he’d like to think he’s pretty good at reading people, he’s got nothing but a question mark on a blank page this time.

The silence stretches out to the point where it starts tensing up Jiwon’s jaw and itching at Hanbin’s skin. So he does what he always does in these situations. “Did you know that the Andromeda Galaxy is like 150 million times the mass of the sun?”

Confusion flits across Jiwon’s face before he bursts out into laughter. The tense lines of his shoulders relaxes and set of his jaw melts away. He rolls his eyes dramatically. “Well, yeah. Everybody knows that, Hamster. Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Firstly, I refuse that nickname. Secondly, you did not know that. Thirdly, Andromeda’s heart is literally a black hole. If you tell me you already knew that, I’m going to hit you.”

Jiwon just snorts and reaches over to ruffle his hair. “Man, you are high.”

Hanbin sinks further into his chair with a huff that he really doesn’t mean and stares out the car window. The sky is clear and since they’re so far from the city, there’s not much light pollution obstructing the stars. He finds Orion first. Then a small but bright smudge to its left.

He sits forward and touches Jiwon’s arm. “Hey, there you are.”

“Huh? I’m where?”Jiwon follows his line of vision as he points out the constellations through the front window. “What am I supposed to be looking at?”

“Your galaxy. See those three bigger dots in a line?”

Jiwon hums. “The ones going downwards?”

“Yeah. That’s Orion’s Belt.”

“I’m a belt? Out of all the galaxies, you gave me a belt?”

Hanbin bumps his shoulder and tsks. “No! I haven’t finished. If you look a bit left there’s a bright smudgey thing. See it?”

Jiwon narrows his eyes. “All I see my registration sticker?”

“Get out of the car. I’ll show you.”

He holds out Jiwon’s grey hoody but his hand is pushed away dismissively. “Take it, you’re gonna get cold.”

He starts to protest but his visible shiver loses the argument for him. Jiwon gives him one of his lopsided grins as he pulls the hoody over his head. “Aren’t you gonna get cold then?”

“Nope.” Jiwon disappears into the back seat and emerges holding a blanket. “Got this. Just in case.” They sit on the bonnet of the Beast with their backs to the windshield. Jiwon wraps the blanket around them and tells him to find his galaxy again.

The proximity and warmth simultaneously makes Hanbin feel overwhelmingly safe and just a shade jittery. “Okay, you found Orion already. So if you go a little left to where my pointer finger is….there’s a bright smudgey thing.”

Jiwon leans further into his space and squints. “Okay…..what about it?”

Hanbin takes a breath. “That’s Andromeda! It’s like the biggest galaxy next to us! It’s probably the most massive thing in space that we know about and has like a trillion stars. A trillion Jiwon. Do you even know how many that is? It’s a lot. Anyway, right in the middle of it there’s this giant radio source that they think is a supermassive black hole, which is kinda funny because you’re so useless at controlling your own radio.”

He’s rambling and it makes his voice come out all high-pitched. “But honestly, it is the most awesome galaxy out there.”

It’s too dark for him to see Jiwon’s face but he can hear him breathing and feel his body heat through their winter clothes.

“So…I’m Andromeda?” Jiwon asks, unconvinced.

“Yep.” Hanbin nods and doesn’t elaborate. He hopes Jiwon doesn’t ask again because he’d have to lie and they both know he’s rubbish at lying.

There’s an anxious pause before he feels Jiwon shrugging. “Okay.” He says simply. “Which one are you then?”

“Oh….I don’t know.” Hanbin doesn’t think anyone has lasted this long in an astronomy conversation with him before, let alone assigned him a galaxy.

“Okay. You’re this one then.” Jiwon states with a firm nod.

“Which one?”

“This one. Our galaxy.”

“The Milky Way?”

“Yeah. The Milky Way-like the chocolate bar.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re boring on the outside, soft on the inside and the shops sometimes have you on sale.”

Hanbin reaches over to punch him on the arm. Jiwon pretends it hurts.

“Hey. Isn’t Andromeda a girl?”

“Yeah. A Greek princess. Andromeda means ruler of men.”

“Does it?” Jiwon chuckles brightly. “Okay, you’re right. Me and my galaxy are awesome.”

“Yeah.”

You are.

Chapter Text

Hanbin stares outside the window of his office. Pen tapping rhythmically on the messy notebook in front of him.

‘Daily Grind’ was a (ironically) weekly satirical and lifestyle magazine that he had taken a pay cut to work for. After 2 months of job interviews and being offered unpaid internships, Hanbin had gotten desperate and taken a lower paying position. That was 12 months ago. He’s grateful the chief editor took a shining to him and enjoyed his writing.

He’s also grateful that he allowed Hanbin to move into a shared office with the magazine’s star colummist. He wasn’t really looking to make any friends but Donghyuk had slowly and very surely wormed his way into his life. Their office was only on the 3rd floor but Hanbin still enjoyed staring out the window and being able to see the sky as he worked.

It was late afternoon and the sky was already a peach haze. It reminded him of the bathroom tiles at his parent’s old house but less gaudy. He picks at the wool of his soft beige jumper as he watches a group of pigeons fly from one office building to another. There weren’t many more accidental Summer-Clothes-In-Winter situations these days, partly because he made a conscious effort to check the weather report but mainly because Jiwon had gotten into the habit of sending him weather updates via badly typed texts in the morning before work.

This morning’s text: ‘cold AF! mght rain. wear smthing warm. xj’

He had no idea Jiwon was a morning person and he’s still not entirely sure if that’s down to preference or necessity. He knows that the car garage where Jiwon works opens at 7:30 but he keeps on forgetting to ask him why it’s so early.

Hanbin is definitely not a morning person. He isn’t exactly a night person either. He enjoys the time between the end of work and sleep because it was strictly his time to do as he pleased. If he’s feeling particularly motivated, he also loved twilight and the hours just before the sun rises. It makes him feel optimistic and he needs all the optimism he can get these days.

His thoughts are interrupted by the buzzing of his phone. It’s another message from Jiwon. ‘heater brke at work. its freezing. visit me when im in hospital for pneumnia. xj’

He snorts and types back: ‘can i have your snapbacks when you die?”

There’s an immediate reply: ‘only the blck ones. shit gotta get back. talk later. xj’

“You have the dopiest smile on your face right now.” He looks up as Donghyuk returns from his caffeine run and hands him a warm take-away cup.

Hanbin puts his phone down and waves a dismissive thanks. ‘I asked for tea, not redundant commentary. Save that for your lame articles.’

Donghyuk laughs as he sits at his own desk. ‘Oh you know my commentary comes free with the hot beverages.’

Hanbin takes a sip. “There’s milk in this.”

“Yup.”

“And vanilla.”

“Yup.”

“Why?”

Donghyuk gives him a cheerful smile. “It’s called a London Fog! I thought you might like it. As the young kids would say, “it suits your aesthetic”.

Donghyuk likes using air-quotes. Hanbin hates them.

“I hate air-quotes. And why can’t you just get me what I want? What’s with the daily surprises?”

Donghyuk rolls his eyes and gives Hanbin a withering look. “Do you like it?”

Hanbin says nothing.

Donghyuk nods, satisfied. “Right. Then stop being so dramatic about some cow and a vanilla bean. It’s good to try new things.”

“Why can’t you just say ‘milk’ like a normal person?” Hanbin regrets the words as soon as they leave his mouth.

“BECAUSE! I’m a writer! We need to exercise our vocabulary and literary devices! It’s like going to the gym but for your mind! I’m basically like an athlete. You’re more like….Garfield.”

“The lazy cartoon cat? You know I’m more of a dog person.” Hanbin chuckles and suddenly remembers that Jiwon is deathly afraid of cats for some reason.  

“Okay you have that creepy smile on your face again. What’s up with you?” Donghyuk eyes him suspiciously as he takes a sip of his coffee. Hanbin knows he’s running scenarios in his head. It’s when Donghyuk’s eyes light up that Hanbin braces himself for the theories. “Ohhh. Are you having a text relationship? Oh wait! Is it someone in our office?!”

Hanbin grimaces at the choice of words. “What? No.”

The problem with Donghyuk is not just his dictionary brain or Mr Congeniality title in the office but the speed and accuracy of his observations. He was, as they liked to say in capital letters, The Perceptive One. Hanbin always thought he was good at reading people but then he met Donghyuk and realised that he wasn’t anywhere near his level. He remembers when Donghyuk had bought him green tea on their first caffeine run because, “You didn’t seem like a coffee person, too much nervous energy.”

It made Hanbin even more anxious but after 6 months together, he’s learnt how to deal with the panic attacks.

Right now, Donghyuk has a small smile on his face. “I bet you do….” he says in a bright sing-song voice. “I know these things Hanbin. I’m almost never wrong so you might as well just tell me.”

Hanbin looks down at his notebook and turns a page over. “There’s nothing to tell. It’s just texts from my mum about my sister.”

Donghyuk wheels his chair over to Hanbin’s desk and stops when they face each other. “You know you’re horrible at lying right? You get all twitchy.”

“I do not.” He scratches his neck but drops his hand down immediately when he realises what he’s doing.

Donghyuk doesn’t miss it and his grin just gets wider by the minute. “So. Are they cute?” He wiggles his eyebrow suggestively as he sits back in his chair and tugs at his multiple earrings.

Hanbin scowls. “We are not having this conversation.” He picks up his pen.

“Oh please. Suddenly you want to get back to work now? Come on Hanbin, it’s getting so boring around here. There hasn’t been any news since we got this office.”

“If I tell you, will you promise to never ask me about it again? Like until we retire.”

Donghyuk leans his elbows on Hanbin’s desk and rests his head on his palms. “Of course.”

“Okay. So it’s a guy. We’re just friends. We’re not dating. I don’t date. The end.”

Donghyuk’s eyes widen comically again as he gapes at Hanbin.

Hanbin starts scribbling lines on his notebook. He’s nervous but knows there’s no reason to be. He’s sure Donghyuk has figured out his preferences by now. If he can figure out his caffeine preference then he’s probably already figured out Hanbin’s human preference too.

“Wow…” Donghyuk says finally, taking off his glasses to rub his eyes. “Do you have a photo?”

Hanbin laughs. “No. I’m definitely not showing you!”

“But why? Please? My life is so empty and sad and lonely. I need to live vicariously through you.”

Hanbin shakes his head. “Okay, everything you just said is a total lie.”

“My mind needs constant stimulation. PLEASE HANBIN!”

Hanbin looks at him in alarm, eyes trying to ignore the inquisitive stares from their colleagues outside. “Oh my god! Okay! Just keep your voice down. Geez. And you call me dramatic.”

He scrolls through the photos of Jiwon on his phone until he finds one without a grimace or weird hand signs. He finally stops at a photo he took back in June’s tattoo shop. Jiwon had just turned to face the camera when Hanbin had captured it, there was no faked bravado or acting cool, it was just Jiwon with a slight look of surprise on his face.

Hanbin hesitates but eventually holds the phone screen out towards Donghyuk.

Donghyuk peers at the phone for a second then his eyes flick back and forth between Hanbin and the photo. “Are you serious?”

Hanbin frowns. “What? What’s wrong with him?”

“Oh where does one even start with Kim Jiwon?” Donghyuk murmurs under his breath.

“Wait. You know him?” Hanbin questions in shock. “How?”

“Well firstly, I know everybody.” Donghyuk states matter-of-factly. Hanbin rolls his eyes, even though he knows it’s not far from the truth. “Secondly, remember when I did a piece on imported american muscle cars coming to Seoul? I went to his garage.”

“And……?” Hanbin prompts.

“And….he’s a cool guy. Just not really someone I thought you’d be interested in.”

Hanbin knows he’s walking right into Donghyuk’s trap but curiosity gets the better of him. “Okay, what does that mean?”

Donghyuk drinks the rest of his coffee slowly. Deliberately.

“DONGHYUK!” Hanbin hisses and looks at him with all the frustration he can muster.

Donghyuk doesn’t smile though. “Promise me that you won’t get mad?”

And that’s when Hanbin knows that his day is going to end badly. “Okay. Promise.”

Donghyuk hesitates. “He seems nice Hanbin. Really. I just heard that he was dating someone here but he still has a girlfriend back in America. I’m sure it’s just a rumour that someone made up about him and you guys probably already know.”

Speechless, Hanbin just stares at him as his heart sinks and his brain short circuits from processing the information. The silence stretches to the point where Donghyuk starts looking increasingly worried.

“Oh god, I thought you knew. I’m not implying anything! Just thought you should know what people are saying since you guys are friends now. Hanbin? Are you okay? I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have told you. I’m an idiot and you should honestly just ignore me. It’s probably not even true. You know what gossip is like….” He can hear Donghyuk rambling on but it just sounds like a muffled voice through water.

He tells himself not to dwell on disappointment because part of him always knew this would happen. People like Jiwon just don’t get involved with people as boring as him. But life is nothing but a bag of twisted irony; even when you know something is inevitable, it can still hurt you twice as much when it arrives. Preparing for an oncoming trainwreck doesn’t make the collision any less painful.

He swallows audibly and shakes his head. “It’s okay. There’s nothing to be upset about. We’re just friends. You don’t have to apologise. I’m not mad, I just didn’t know.” He offers Donghyuk a small smile which he knows comes across as blatantly fake.

Donghyuk opens his mouth to say something but thinks better of it. Instead, he reaches over to grab their empty cups to throw into the trash. “I’m really sorry Hanbin….I shouldn’t have said anything.” Donghyuk says quietly before wheeling his chair back to his desk.

Hanbin just nods as he opens his laptop, stares at the black screen and waits for it to wake up from sleep.

Chapter Text

Hanbin is walking home from work when the phone in his pocket buzzes with a text message. He doesn’t have to look at the name to know who it might be. Jiwon has conditioned him to expect a lot of things at this point. It’s the same way Pavlov’s dog doesn’t have to look before it starts running. It just runs.

[dinner?dog movie? xj]

Hanbin stares at the words, his thumbs hovering hesitantly over the phone keypad as his mind goes to court to weigh up the pros and cons. There’s never just one simple answer.

It’s not dissimilar to his anxiety; a daily battle where one side constantly strives to improve and actively fight, while the other side just wants to give in to the negative pervasive thoughts.

It’s sinking versus swimming.

It’s ‘Beggars can’t be choosers’ versus ‘You deserve better than this’.

He’s not entirely sure which side is winning at the moment. He’s just trying to stay afloat.

The truth is, he could think about Jiwon and the so-called rumours over and over and over again until he has a nervous breakdown but he’s had enough of it today. He just wants to say ‘Fuck It’ and see what happens.

He types out a reply and hits ‘send’ before his mind can change its mind.

*

Hanbin is distracted over dinner and his hands are fidgety under the table. He nods, smiles and forces himself to try and follow the conversation as Jiwon tells him about the garage’s heating problems and the new Mustang that just came in for detailing.

‘Try’ being the operative word.

Jiwon picks up on his restlessness and asks him how he is. Of course he does.

Hanbin’s reply flies out of his mouth so fast that it bypasses the normal filters and ends up sounding colder, sharper and more defensive than he intended. He knows Jiwon frowned in confusion, he saw it in the reflection of the glass window because he was too scared to look at him directly. He should have apologised straight away but the pause had stretched on for too long.

They finish dinner quietly and politely. It reminded Hanbin of dinners when his parents were arguing; polite and civil displays for him and later, his sister. It wasn’t something he really understood back then but it’s something he completely understands now.

“Um. So do you still want to go watch that dog movie?” Jiwon asks hesitantly as they walk back to his car. “Or I could just drive you home I guess, if you want to call it a night.”

The left side of Hanbin is telling him to go home because his behaviour has been appalling tonight. The right side is pleading with him to salvage the wreckage. A third side appears briefly to point out a small but significant detail.

He gave you exit strategy. It’s more than you probably deserve for acting like an idiot all night.

“Okay,” He says abruptly. His voice sounds foreign, even to his own ears. “Let’s go watch the movie.”

Jiwon looks over in surprise, clearly expecting a different answer. “Oh….okay.”

The drive to the cinema is silent except for the old playlist that Jiwon never bothered to delete.

The movie was definitely the right choice. It provided a more constructive kind of distraction; the one that drowns out all the bickering voices in his head. He laughs at the animated dogs on screen and for that brief time, he forgets what he was meant to be so upset about.

Half way through the movie he feels Jiwon’s eyes on him. He looks over and mouths, “what?” but Jiwon just shakes his head and holds out the bag of caramel popcorn.

As he leans over to grab a handful, Hanbin catches the faint smell of Jiwon’s laundry detergent and it sets off a swarm of butterflies in his stomach.

Everything can change but at the same time, nothing changes.

He looks up at Jiwon but his eyes are already back on the screen where there’s a bunny called Snowball gnawing his carrot into a key.

“Liberated forever! Domesticated never!” the bunny yells victoriously as he jailbreaks the dogs out of their cages.

Hanbin finds himself laughing. It reminds him of Jiwon but then again, all the animals on screen remind him of Jiwon in some way. He’s not sure what that’s about.

He’s still thinking about it all the way back to the car park.

Jiwon nudges his shoulder. “What?”

“You’re Snowball.”

Jiwon snorts. “I’m not smart or insane enough. You know I’d be Max because I’m the most loyal and my heart is pure.”

And suddenly the good mood the movie had built up comes tumbling down like a pile of bricks. Hanbin looks at his shoes hitting the pavement and feels a nauseating twist inside. “Yeah, I guess so.”

They settle into the BMW and Jiwon starts the car but pauses, frowns, sighs and turns the engine off again. He looks over with a face so vulnerable and so worried that the guilt washes over Hanbin like a wave crashing onto rock.

“Look, I’m sorry if you don’t want to talk about it, I’ll try not to ask you again but did I do something wrong?”

Hanbin looks down at his hands and shakes his head.

“Okay. But there is something wrong?”

Hanbin looks out the window. The skyline is glittering in the distance and he can hear laughter from the other movie goers in the carpark. Life can be so beautiful sometimes but maybe they seem that way because of all the ugly parts.

“Hanbin….”

“Nothing’s wrong.” It comes out too fast and too sharp again.

Jiwon leans back in his seat and sighs. “Something is wrong.” He says quietly. “Why won’t you just tell me?”

“Do you have a girlfriend?” The abrupt words taste bitter and cut his mouth on their way out. They hover awkwardly between them in the car.

Jiwon freezes in his seat before turning to face him with an expression that morphs from shock to disbelief to anger. “Who told you that?”

“I just heard it. That’s what people are saying about you.”

Jiwon gives him a disappointed look. It’s even worse than his angry face. “And you just believed them?”

“I don’t know!” Hanbin’s hands fly up into his hair, tugging at the ends until the pain distracts him.

“Wait. Is this why you’ve been upset?”

“I’m not upset!”

“Hanbin….”

“Can you just answer the question?”

“No. I don’t have a girlfriend.” Jiwon says in a cold flat tone that completely negates the relief Hanbin should be feeling. He should be happy. Why wasn’t he happy?

Silence hangs thickly between them and normally Hanbin would try to fill it up with ridiculous facts but he can feel the heat and tension rising off Jiwon’s body.

“I’m sorry I believed it. I know I shouldn’t have.” He says quickly in an desperate attempt to stave off the argument he can see looming in the distance.

Jiwon stays silent and just shakes his head. Hanbin’s anxiety continues to spike off the charts, he’s never seen Jiwon like this and he’s got nothing to help him deal with it.

“Jiwon? I said I’m sorry. It’s just…….it’s just…hard for me sometimes.” He stammers, debating whether or not now was the right time to reveal this part of himself.

We’re already in Hell, so we might as well get burnt.

“Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe that you want to be friends with me. That’s all. I’m sorry I’m like this but it’s just…..how it is.” He finishes lamely.

He chances a quick glance in Jiwon’s direction. His jaw is set and the hand on his right leg has curled into a tight fist. When he finally speaks, it’s not what Hanbin was expecting.

“Do you trust me?”

“YES.” Hanbin replies without hesitation.

Jiwon shakes his head. “No you don’t. Because you believed the first rumour you heard about me. Right?”

Hanbin’s heart races erratically and he can feel his right hand shaking uncontrollably in his lap. “No! I didn’t fully believe it. I was just worried. That’s all!”

“Sometimes I can tell when you’re lying to me, you know.” The quiet disappointment in Jiwon’s voice cuts Hanbin deeper than any loud angry words could.

“I’m not.” He pleads, not caring if he sounds desperate. “I’m not lying.”

“Then why did you ask me?”

Hanbin opens his mouth but he can’t think of an answer that won’t make this worse.

Jiwon runs his hand through his hair and laughs bitterly. “This is already a mess, so you might as well just say it.”

There’s nothing quite like knowing you’re in an argument that you can’t get out of. It feels like drowning. “I don’t know why I  asked you. Sometimes I just need to know for sure, because I don’t know what I’m supposed to be. We’re not even on the same level. You’re YOU and I’m ME and none of this makes sense.”

“What the hell does that even mean?” Jiwon asks him in exasperation.

Hanbin sighs heavily. He’s stressed, anxious and frustrated by his inability to articulate his thoughts more clearly. Anger destroys but frustration just makes him want to explode. “Why do you keep pushing at me even though I already said that I was wrong! That I was sorry! What more do you want? It’s not easy for me to go from person to person and pretend like it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t mean anything!”

Jiwon doesn’t yell. He doesn’t lash out angrily. He just looks at Hanbin with dark eyes and that resigned expression that scares Hanbin more than anything. “Is that what you think of me? After all this time?”

Hanbin shakes his head and groans. None of his words were coming out right. “No. That’s not what I meant.”

“No, I think I get it.” Jiwon starts evenly. “You think you’re the only one with feelings because you’re on some kind of higher level than me? I’m just a dumb guy you met on the the street who fixes cars right? And guys like me must just turn off their brains and fuck around for fun right?”

Hanbin feels sick. “NO. That’s not what I think! I never even said that.”

“I’m so tired of this argument.” Jiwon’s leaning back in his seat again with his eyes closed. “Do you even know why I’m pissed off?”

Hanbin is tired too. He’s tired and scared. Critics he can deal with. Disappointed parents he can deal with. But he’s never had an argument with someone he’s cared about this much before. His body grows heavy as the fight leaves him in one quick swoop.

“I can’t do this right now.” He says quietly before getting out of the car and walking back towards the main road on shaky legs.

He hears the other car door opening and Jiwon calling out to him from across the now empty carpark. He ignores it until he can feel the firm grip on his arm pulling him back.

“Hanbin! Seriously? It’s nearly midnight! Just get back in the car okay?”

He shakes his arm free and they just stand there for a minute, not speaking or moving. Hanbin rubs his eyes tiredly and lets out a heavy breath before walking back to the car. Every step feeling like failure and defeat.

The drive home is silent. When they reach his apartment he gets out and walks to his door without looking back. He wonders if Jiwon will still wait until he’s inside before he leaves, it was a thought that made him feel warm and special once but now it just makes him nervous and angry. His hands are shaking so badly that he drops his keys twice, when he finally finds the correct one he jams it in so forcefully that he feels the metal bend.

It’s dark and cold inside his apartment but he doesn’t go to turn on the light or heater. He leans against the door, listening for the sound of a car pulling away.

It’s only then that he sinks to the ground and wants to cry.

Chapter Text

It is an uncharacteristically sunny day when June finally locks up the tattoo shop and drives home. An almost freakish day of sunshine and friendly warmth amidst autumn’s usually bleak assault.  

He’s trying to find the right key to his front door when he hears the distant sounds of computer generated explosions coming from within. He rolls his eyes and starts bracing himself for whatever sad cliche awaits.

It’s dark inside, the curtains partially closed to block the setting evening sun. The TV flashes bright every time something explodes or the hero decides to venture outdoors.

Jiwon is on the couch in the living room, surrounded by two cans of coke and an empty box of pizza, eyebrows furrowed in concentration and barely noticing that another person just entered the room.

June clears his throat.

Jiwon’s eyes flick up to meet his for a split second before returning to the TV screen. “Hey.”

He sits down on the other end of the couch and watches Solid Snake stalk around an underground bunker in search of clues and villains. “So. Get up to much today?”

Jiwon hmms in response. “Gym. Pizza. Metal Gear Solid.”

June echoes his hmmm. “The further you go, the more pathetic it gets.”

“It’s Saturday. Leave me alone.”

June laughs. “Okay, that’d be fine if you weren’t in my house. Explain to me why you’re here again?”

Jiwon shrugs without looking at him. “Got bored at home.”

June looks at him suspiciously. Jiwon is good at hiding his feelings but every now and then he gets careless and that’s when June takes the opportunity.

“So you’d rather get bored in my home?”

A nod. Followed by gun fire and a knife fight that’s punctuated with a half-hearted, “dammit”.

“The spare key I gave you is for emergencies.”

“This is an emergency. Solid Snake was at your house. You never gave it back to me and I really wanted to play it today.” Jiwon states calmly, as if it made perfect sense and explained everything.

“Okay,” June starts, standing up and walking towards the TV. “You’re done here. Pause it or I’m turning it off.”

Jiwon looks up at him in alarm, his face the most animated it has been in the past week. “What?! I’m in the middle of this m-”

June uses his big toe to turn off the Playstation console. “Oh, too slow. What a shame.” He says in mock sympathy.

Jiwon throws down the controller angrily, nostrils flaring and pouty mouth pouting even more than usual. It makes June want to laugh at how easy he can get riled up when he’s in a bad mood. Granted, it’s pretty rare, but it gives June some comfort knowing Jiwon’s still human after all.

“What the hell is your problem?!”

June lets out an incredulous laugh. “My problem? Son, you need to start telling me what your problem is.”

Jiwon sinks back down into the couch and stuffs both hands in the front pockets of his hoody. “I don’t have a problem.”

“How dumb do you think I am? Seriously. How dumb? On a scale from Donald Duck to Donald Trump?”

The corners of Jiwon’s mouth curls up in a slight smile that he’s clearly trying to suppress. “Donald Duck isn’t dumb.”

“Oh yeah, I’m sure he graduated from Trump University with top honours.” June says as he sits back down on the couch. “You wanna tell me what’s going on? Or should I guess?”

Jiwon remains silent.

“Okay. Just so you know, I was going to make that spicy chicken thing you like for dinner so the sooner you tell me, the closer you are to chicken. What’s it gonna be kiddo?”

Jiwon leans back to stare at the ceiling and sighs. “We had a fight.”

June’s a little surprised if he’s honest, given how non-confrontational he knows Jiwon usually is.

“Who’s ‘we’? You and Donald Duck, Donald Trump or-”

Jiwon shoots him a sharp glare. June holds up his hands.

“Ahh, too soon for humour then. Got it.”

Jiwon moves from the couch but June grabs his sleeve to pull him back down. “Okay okay, I’m sorry about that. Come on, tell me what’s wrong. It’ll make you feel better.”

Jiwon rubs his eyes tiredly before speaking in a low mumble. “It’s so stupid. He thinks I’m dating some girl. It’s like he doesn’t even trust me.”

“Oh shit, that rumour back again?”

Jiwon nods miserably and June reaches over to pat him softly on the back. “Did you tell him that those were just obligatory Church Dates that your parents insisted on?”

The irritated grunt Jiwon lets out is enough of an answer.

“Why didn’t you tell him the truth? It’d solve all your problems wouldn’t it?”

“We didn’t have a fight because of the rumour. I mean, we did but that’s not the point! It’s the principle.”

Suddenly June feels like he’s back in high school again. Having one of those He-Said-She-Said kind of arguments that go around like a passive-aggressive game of chinese whispers.

Well, He-Said-He-Said would be more accurate.

“So hang on, let me get this straight. He heard a rumour about you dating a girl, which you technically were, and then you guys had a fight about it?”

Jiwon nods.

“Okay,” June tries to process the bones of the story but it sounds ridiculous from every angle. “Why are you mad again?”

“Because he doesn’t trust me! What’s the point of all this if he’s never going to trust me?”

“Right, right. And why do you think he’s mad then?”

Jiwon lets out an exasperated noise. “I don’t know!”

“Jiwon….”

After a long drawn out pause, Jiwon mumbles, “I think he was having some kind of panic attack in the car. And I think I made it worse by pushing at him.”

Just when June thought it couldn’t possibly get any more ridiculous. “You’re kidding right? Please tell me you’re kidding. Or I will have to disown you.”

“Well!” Jiwon starts defensively by then trails off, not knowing what else to say.

“Well what? You knew he was freaking out and you made it worse? I mean, I know he’s a big boy now and you’re both adults but shit, what the hell is wrong with you? Even Iknow he’s kinda sensitive about that sort of thing.”

“Well I guess I’m a big fucking idiot then!” Jiwon says in huff.

“Yes. Yes you are.” June nods. “Fragile egos and unbelievable stupidity aside, are you guys still dating or did you break up over this?”

Jiwon stares at the carpet. “Ummm, we weren’t exactly dating before it…..I mean, we were in my head. But I don’t know if it’s the same in his head.”

June is dumbfounded. “Woah, wait wait wait. You had a fight about cheating but you’re not even together? What the hell? Is that even possible?” He chuckles at the sheer lunancy.

“I thought he knew! You all assumed it, I thought he would too!”

“Oh. My. God.” June throws his hands in the air. “Did you says the actual words? Did you ever ask him out properly?”

“Umm….not exactly.”

June gives him a disappointed look. “I am definitely disowning you. I did not raise you to be this cowardly loser.”

“I honestly thought he knew! What did he think I was doing with him? Why else would I take him out every week? ”

“Oh, I don’t know dumbass, because that’s what regular friends also do? I can’t believe this. How’d you get so stupid?”

“There’s no way he could possibly think we’re still only friends. It’s so obvious. He must know by now. Right?”

June stares at him, speechless.

“Right?!” Jiwon exclaims, having the decency to look somewhat sheepish afterwards when June just shakes his head at him.

“I don’t know what happened to you but this idiocy has to stop right now.” He points his index finger at Jiwon’s chest. “You go fix this shit. I can’t even look at you.”

He stands up and paces around the room to stretch his legs. “You know what? No matter how good your intentions are and how many times people pull that“actions speak louder than words” bullshit, you still need to say the actual words sometimes.”

“I know.” Jiwon says quietly. “I’m trying to fix it.”

June bends down to turn the Playstation back on. “Good. I’m gonna start dinner if you want to stay. Yun’s busy getting the art show together so it’ll probably just be you and me.”

Jiwon nods and looks so oddly small and pathetic that June can’t help but walk over to ruffle his hair. “It’ll be okay. We can help. Just use your words.”

There’s a small smile on Jiwon’s face when he looks up. “Thanks June.”

“Use your good words though. The ones we taught you. Not your dumb Jiwon-Words, those won’t work.”

There’s a painful punch against his leg that makes him cackle all the way to the kitchen.

Chapter Text

Hanbin stares at the text, reading it over and over again.

[I’m sorry. Please pick up. I just want to talk to you.]

His thumb hovers over the keypad. He doesn’t even know what to type.

Ok?

No?

I’m sorry too?

Leave me alone?

In the end, he types nothing and sends nothing. He wishes he could just send an empty text, so Jiwon knows he got it and knows he’s there but also knows he doesn’t want to talk yet. He already knows what it feels like to be happy and sad at the same time but now he’s learning what it’s like to want distance from someone you also want to be close to. And what it’s like to still feel deep fondness for someone you’re angry with.

Needless to say, his mind is a mess. He’s overly quiet at work, pretending he’s busy and always occupied with something so he never has to talk to anyone. It doesn’t attract attention because it’s hardly a departure from his usual behaviour. Most of this colleagues were none the wiser.

Most of them.

Donghyuk looks over at him occasionally. Hanbin can see it in his peripheral vision but decides to ignore it. Avoidance and the illusion of serenity doesn’t last long.

It’s a warm Thursday afternoon when Donghyuk returns from the caffeine run and finally breaks his silence.

“Are you going okay?” He asks, holding out a tall cup of tea.

Hanbin leans forward the extra inch to take it. He breathes in the warm comforting herbal scent before answering. “It’s just been a bad week.“

“Oh okay,” Donghyuk nods, unfailing polite even when he can smell blood in the water. “Well, I’ve finished for the day if you want any help or if you want to run through ideas…or just talk.”

Hanbin takes a sip of his tea and considers his options. It’s been nearly a week since he last replied to Jiwon’s texts. They persisted for another couple of days, mostly consisting of weather reports, but eventually those stopped too.

It’s probably why he was so overdressed today.

“I had a fight with Jiwon.” He blurts out suddenly. It’s so fast that he almost can’t believe he said it. Part of him knows that he can’t go on ignoring life when it’s banging on his door. The same part just wants someone to come in and drag him out of hiding.

Donghyuk looks at him with wide eyes but remembers to school his expression at the last minute. “Oh…..do you want to talk about it?“

Hambin sighs heavily as Donghyuk pulls a chair over.

"So what happened?” He asks carefully.

“I asked him about that rumour you heard-”

Donghyuk blanches at that. “Oh my god, is that why you fought? I’m so sorry Hanbin! I should’ve just kept my mouth shut-”

Hanbin holds up his hand and shakes his head. “No no, it’s not your fault. He really did go on a date with a girl.”

“Oh….”

“His parents set him up. Some kind of Church obligation.”

“Oh!” Donghyuk brightens visibly. “Well, that’s good right? If it wasn’t a real date?”

“Yeah. It’s good.”

“But there’s something more to it isn’t there?”

“I don’t know. I kind of just freaked out about it. He was really pissed off that I believed everything and kept asking me ‘why?’ over and over until I kind of snapped.”

“Oh….” Donghyuk nods with concern, trying his hardest to keep his mouth shut until Hanbin has finished.

“I can’t even be mad at him anymore. Not really.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I was such a jerk to him. All night. I can’t even blame him and I want to…but I can’t! I feel so guilty about it.” Hanbin whines in frustration. “That probably doesn’t even make any sense.”

“Hmmm.” Donghyuk muses before answering. “It makes some sense. I think maybe you guys just reached the point where something had to give?”

Hanbin nods. “Yeah. I guess so. I’ve never seen him like that before but then again, he’s probably never seen me lash out before either.”

"Dogs do it when they feel threatened or cornered by a situation. Maybe it’s something like that?” Donghyuk offers.

Hanbin shrugs. "He also thinks I don’t trust him.”

“Do you?”

“Yes!” Hanbin groans, putting his head on the cold surface of his desk. “Of course I do.”

Donghyuk reaches over to pat his shoulder gently. “In my experience, when someone feels like you don’t trust them, it’s either because you haven’t demonstrated it enough or it’s because they’re insecure about the relationship. Sometimes you can do everything to show someone you care and trust them but they still have a hard time believing it.”

There’s a pause as Hanbin considers the words. He’s not sure if Donghyuk is trying to tell him something about Jiwon or himself.

"I’m talking too much again aren’t I?” Donghyuk frowns.

Hanbin looks up from the table and shakes his head, “No, I want to hear what you think. Maybe you can figure it out.”

Donghyuk squeezes his shoulder reassuringly. “What’s the real reason you’re upset?”

“It just feels like it’s all over before it even began.” Hanbin can feel the defeat colouring his words. Hearing himself say it, admitting it, just makes him feel more hollow inside.

“Why do you say that? You don’t think you can come back from this?”

Hanbin nods sadly. "I haven’t even told him how messed up I really am. If he can’t handle one panic attack, it’s kind of game over isn’t it? He hasn’t even seen my full blown crazy and he’s already pissed off. What kind of chance do we even have?”

Donghyuk looks at him curiously. “I didn’t realise your friendship was so…intense…”

Hanbin sits up  and rolls his eyes. “Oh just say it Donghyuk. I know you’ve probably already figured it out.”

“I’m just here to listen.” Donghyuk says calmly, feigning innocence.  

Hanbin huffs in annoyance. “But I’m asking you to help me figure this out.”

Donghyuk takes a long sip of his coffee before nodding once. “Well, okay. If you insist.”

“Yes.” Hanbin braces himself. “I insist.”

“First of all, he’s not really your friend is he? Not anymore.”

Hanbin shakes his head sheepishly.

“Okay. I thought so. And you really want your relationship to go somewhere right?”

Hanbin nods.

“But you think he doesn’t understand you and he thinks you don’t trust him.” Donghyuk muses, scratching his chin. “Well, these are big hits but I don’t think the damage is irreversible. It can be fixed.”

“How?”

“You just say you’re sorry and explain yourself. And hope he joins in the conversation.” Donghyuk states with a shrug.

“You make it sound so easy.” Hanbin mutters dejectedly. Why did he think he could resolve this mess without talking to Jiwon?

“It’s simple. It’s not easy.” Donghyuk looks at him sagely, suddenly appearing much older than he really is. “If you’re on the same page, you’ll know.”  

“But how?!”

“Once you start talking, you’ll know.”

Hanbin looks at him with a confused grimace. “That’s cryptic and not helpful.”

Donghyuk rolls his eyes at him. “But you have to see for yourself. If I tell you, you’ll go looking for it and the thing is, it’s different for every couple. So really, there’s no point me telling you.”  

“We’re not a couple..” Hanbin mumbles, despite their conversation.

Donghyuk sighs in exasperation. “Okay, if that’s what you want to believe. Anyways, has he tried to contact you?”

“Yeah, everyday until recently. But, I haven’t really done anything about it. I didn’t know what to write.” Hanbin almost wants to laugh at the irony; a journalist who can’t even write a text message.

"Okay. So he’s probably waiting. The ball is in your court now.”

Hanbin sits up straighter, buoyed by Donghyuk’s can-do! attitude and optimism. “How do I even do this though?”

“Well, is he worth all this trouble?”  

“Yes.” Hanbin says automatically. That part is something he never doubts.

Donghyuk raises an eyebrow and grins. Like a lawyer who just got a courtroom confession.

“Okay. Well, you just need to be brave and go talk to him. When you apologise, you have to mean it. Haven’t you ever been in a fight before?”

Hanbin laughs bitterly. “Of course I have.”

“So what’s the difference here?”

“I want to fix this one.”  

Donghyuk looks strangely happy. Disconcertingly so. He leans towards Hanbin. “This is a good time to tell you my secret. You can disown me afterwards. I apologise in advance.”

Hanbin looks at him nervously, remembering the last thing Donghyuk had told him. “Okay?”

“Well, I’m covering the art show next week and I’ve got a few contacts there so I asked about him. I mean, I asked intelligent people who weren’t gossipers.”

Hanbin groans. “Do I even want to know this?”

Donghyuk nods. “Yeah, you do. I was trying to determine if he was suitable for you and not some insensitive idiot who openly cheats.”

Hanbin’s heart is in his throat. Some days he’s grateful he has Donghyuk in his life and some days, like today, he feels more cursed than blessed.

"Well,” Donghyuk continues, “I’ve concluded that he’s not too bad. I mean, he could definitely use some work but overall, I tolerate him.”

Hanbin lets out a relieved breath and laughs at the choice of words. “What a glowing review.”

“He’s a 6/10. At best.”

“A six?”

Donghyuk taps on his chin, thinking back to his research. “Well, everybody likes him. It’s almost annoying. Everyone knows him and they still like him, which tells me that even if he’s a massive idiot, he’s not a very consistent one. Which bodes well for your situation.”

Hanbin looks at him with an amused smile. “And that just gets a six? I don’t even want know what score you’d give me.”

Donghyuk grins widely. “Oh you’re a solid 8 when you bother to dress like a journalist and not some unemployed skater on laundry day.”  

“That was one time….” Hanbin mutters.

Donghyuk laughs. “So anyway, the way I see it, stop beating yourself up over him. He’s the one punching above his weight, not you.”

It’s strange really, Donghyuk’s ability to constantly tell him what he needs to hear. Both good and bad. Somewhere along the way he’s turned into Hanbin’s therapist, cheersquad and caffeine dealer. The thought fills Hanbin with new found fondness.

“So,” Donghyuk rambles on, “I think it’s time you figured out how to talk to him. The longer you leave it, the harder it’s going to be. But don’t go when you’re angry, that won’t help. Go with a clear head. Go with a plan. You won’t stick to it but you’ll feel better if you plan it, knowing you.”

“Should I go tonight?”

Donghyuk is momentarily taken aback. “Oh, that’s kinda sudden…”

“I want to.” Hanbin states firmly, a new sense of purpose and resolve replacing the bundle of nerves he has been carrying around for the last two week.

“Are you ready for it?” Donghyuk asks cautiously, concern etched all over his face.

Hanbin runs a hand through his hair. “I wasn’t when we started talking but I think I might be now?”

Donghyuk smiles warmly. “Well, there’s your answer.”

“Thanks.”

“For what?” Donghyuk chuckles.

“I don’t know.” Hanbin pretends to study his now empty cup of tea. “Just thanks for putting up with me and my stupid problems?”

Donghyuk holds up his index finger and shakes his head. “I don’t put up with you. People put up with things they don’t want to be involved with. Stop doubting yourself. You can do this! I totally believe in you! And if he’s a moron about it, I’ll track him down and make his life hell. You know I have my ways.”

Hanbin groans in embarrassment. “Okay, please stop.”

Donghyuk laughs gleefully and reaches over to pat Hanbin on the arm. “Good luck okay? Just be yourself. I know it’s cliche but now isn’t really the time to hide. Start at the bottom, be clear and don’t waste the opportunity.”

“Are you some kind of relationship expert? How’d you get so good at this?”

Donghyuk’s smile falters slightly before he catches it. “Ah that’s a story for another time.”

Hanbin decides to leave that one alone for now. He needs to figure out how to apologise for 27 unanswered text messages.

Chapter Text

The hazy afternoon sun is setting over the office rooftops by the time Hanbin can finally leave work. With a few more encouraging words and firm thumps on his back, Donghyuk all but pushes him out the door with a chirpy, “Good luck!”

He takes off his winter jacket after five minutes of walking, unsure if the heat is due to nerves or because he’s vaguely incapable to dressing properly without Jiwon’s weather updates. The reason is the same either way.

Part of him wants to go home to plan his conversation with Jiwon. He wants to make a list and check it twice, write down all the things that are naughty and nice. Donghyuk was right, as always, planning would definitely make him feel better but this is the thing about his anxiety that he will never understand; one day you’re afraid to even step outside your door and on the next, you’re ignoring all the voices and diving in head first without a second thought.

This is where Hanbin finds himself. His nerves stretched and frayed so far that he just wants to cut the cord himself, if it means that he can return to his former peaceful state sooner. Sustaining a perpetual state of anxiety has sucked all the life and energy from him. He’s tired. He’s done with being tired. Heartbreak would be a welcome relief from being tired.

So he lets his feet carry him away from the subway that usually takes him home. He makes a plan mentally with each step: he’ll apologise and mean it, he’ll tell Jiwon the truth, he’ll listen patiently and if it happens, he’ll take rejection on the chin like an adult.

It’s simple. It’s simple.

Just go through the list.

Donghyuk’s advice and optimism echoes in his ear, spurs him on and keeps him going all the way down the street where Jiwon’s garage is. It’s only when he starts hearing engines revving in the distance and male voices shouting that all the blood drains from his head and pools in his legs, dragging them down like lead weights.

Oh fuck.

He really should’ve gone home to plan this.

It’s then that a deep scratchy laugh sounds out from inside the garage. He recognises it instantly and like everything else related to Jiwon, his body reacts involuntarily, without filter or restraint. His head is spinning, his heart races, his chest is warm, his skin tingles, his fingers are restless, there’s God’s swarm of wasps and butterflies in his belly and it’s all because of one undeniable truth: his entire being missed Jiwon.

He’s nervous. So nervous that he’s a bit sick. His heart is thumping away so hard that he’s surprised other people can’t hear it. There’s nothing less than a tornado inside him, screaming and throwing everything around with mindless impatience. And yet, when he finally sees Jiwon wandering towards him, his heart forgets all about the hurt. Past, present and future.

It missed Jiwon. Still misses him. Will probably always miss him, even when he’s right there. It’s the sort of Brand New feeling that Hanbin isn’t ready for and it hits him across the face like a hard knockout punch every single time.

“Hi.” Jiwon gives him a small, uncertain smile.  

“Hey.” Hanbin echoes back. His eyes take in the white t-shirt, the blue coveralls half tied around his waist, the way Jiwon’s fingers rub at the oil smears on his hands and finally, reassuringly, the way Richard Parker’s tail still rises east and settles west.

Like the Sun.

Some things change and some things never change.

“Are you okay?” Jiwon asks with a worried look.

Hanbin’s eyes flick up but he can’t look at Jiwon for too long. Not yet. It’s too confronting. Too intimate. He still doesn’t know if he has that kind of access.

“Oh, yeah. I’m fine. Are you fine? I mean, are you okay?” He stumbles shakily.

The corners of Jiwon’s lips curl up into a discreet half-smile. “I’m okay but I’ve been better.”

Hanbin chuckles nervously and rolls the hem of his shirt between his fingers. “Yeah. Me too.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Oh. Shit. You’re still working.” Hanbin says with dread as the realisation hits him. “I forgot you worked late on Thursdays. I mean, wait. I didn’t forget. I remembered, which is why I came but shit, you need to go work.”

Jiwon laughs but leaves all the mocking and teasing out of it. “Hanbin. It’s fine. It’s nearly closing time anyway.”

“Yeah…. I know that too.” He mentally curses himself for that. His tongue never cooperates when he needs it to.

Jiwon cocks his head and looks at him. “I know you do.”

He tries to remember what Donghyuk said: go with a clear head, apologise and mean it, say you’re sorry. As much as he tries, all the voices in his head just blend together like a useless mushy milkshake.

“It’s probably a bad time to talk right?” He ventures hesitantly.

Jiwon opens his mouth to reply but after a beat, just shakes his head. “No, now is good. Come out the back.”

Hanbin follows him out of the garage and around the corner where there’s a small wooden bench pushed against the wall. Judging from the cigarette butts on the ground and an empty, crushed can of Coke, it’s probably where the garage workers go for a smoke break. He toes at the litter, waiting for Jiwon to say something as they sit down.

“So. Um,” Jiwon starts cautiously, “I can’t believe you’re here to be honest.”

“Me either.”

“Kinda ruined my plan.”

Hanbin looks across in surprise. “You have a plan?”

Jiwon nods but looks straight ahead into the dark alley way opposite the garage. “Uh, yeah. Well, I had a plan. I went to your office building the other day but the security guy was a bit of a jerk and wouldn’t let me in without an appointment.”

“Yeah, he’s been overzealous since some protesters stormed the office last week.”

“I was going to try again. I wanted to see you.” Jiwon says with the kind of quiet vulnerability that breaks Hanbin inside and floods him with guilt.

“Why didn’t you-” Hanbin trails off.

Why didn’t Jiwon call him down? Text him to tell him he was there? Why didn’t Jiwon try?

But Hanbin knows that he did, the evidence probably still on his phone. And they were all ignored because he had somehow convinced himself that he would be better off alone. The realisation makes him slump backwards against the wall behind them, feeling heavy with burden, guilt, expectation.

“I’m so sorry Jiwon. For that day and well, for every other day too. I’m just sorry for the entire thing.”

Jiwon breathes heavily beside him. It’s the type of breathing that people do when they’re deliberately trying to control it. 

“I’m sorry too. Really fucking sorry.”

Hanbin swallows the lump in his throat and take a breath. “I guess I should tell you now that I’m kind of a mess. Not the cute kind but the medically diagnosed kind. My anxiety isn’t out if control but it does affect me. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I just never knew the right time to do it and I didn’t want to assume that  you’d want to hear that sort of thing. Most people don’t.”

Jiwon lets out a loud sigh. Probably louder than he meant to. “You still don’t trust me, do you?”

Hanbin tries to remain calm. He came here to fix this, not to start another fight.

Take a breath. Count backwards from five, like at NASA.

“It’s not that Jiwon. I trust you, of course I do. But trusting people, trusting anyone, is hard for me. Really hard. It’s not an excuse, it’s an explanation. I want to trust you. I want to do that. But sometimes it’s so hard.”

Jiwon stops staring into the dark alley way and turns to face him with confusion. Hanbin doesn’t look at him, he needs to say his piece before his courage leaves him completely.

“Sometimes my anxiety controls me. Sometimes it just takes over. It tells me that there’s no way someone like you would want to be with someone like me. I’ve been here before and people always leave when they find out what I’m like. So the way I am? This is all self preservation. It’s not because I think you’re a bad person. I’m trying to let go of the past. I’m trying really hard every single day. But I can’t just change in 2 months. I don’t know if you can understand any of that.”

There’s a pause after his jumbled speech that stretches on into the fading evening light. Hanbin stays silent. He’s screaming in silence.

“Fuck.” Jiwon curses heavily, “I’m the biggest fucking idiot in the world.”

Hanbin looks over at him in surprise. “Huh?”

“Shit. I’m so sorry Hanbin.”

“I know, you already said-”

“No. I’M SORRY.” Jiwon says firmly, his eyes pleading for Hanbin to believe him. “Shit. I just never even thought of it that way. I never even thought that it was like that for you. I knew some of it but I didn’t know that.”

Hanbin nods absentmindedly. Partly stunned.

“I’m such an idiot.” Jiwon groans, leaning forward to run a tired hand over his face. “You know, this whole time we were fighting, I just felt sorry for myself because all I could think about was how you thought I was this dumb guy who couldn’t be trusted. I was so offended that I didn’t even think about why you reacted like that. God, I hate that this is what I turned into. It’s not who I want to be. It’s not who I am.”

He says the last sentence with so much anguish that Hanbin’s fingers itch to reach out and touch him.

Jiwon sits up after a few deep breaths. “I guess I need to try and change my old way of thinking too. Maybe we’re both stuck in the past?”

Hanbin nods. The small ember of optimism he still carried deep inside starts glowing again.

“You know, Donghyuk thinks that we needed to have this fight. In order to get us here, to this point.”

Jiwon quirks an eyebrow. “Oh, that’s what June said too.”

“I think they were right.”

There’s another long pause. It’s not exactly a comforting one but it’s not entirely unsettling either. He knows they both have a lot on their minds.

Jiwon breaks the silence eventually. “Hanbin?”

“Yeah?”

“I like you.”

And there it is.

Hanbin stomach flips over with a thud. His heart doesn’t just beat aggressively against his rib cage but it actually manages to break free and blast off into the evening sky. He knows he’s got some kind of weird deer-in-the-headlights-face at the moment because Jiwon clears his throat, as if Hanbin didn’t hear him the first time.

“I like you.” Jiwon repeats. “You know that part right?”

“Yeah…..I know that part.” He ducks his head down, trying to hide the smile that is creeping across on his face. “I….like you too.”

Jiwon doesn’t bother to hide his relieved sigh. “Good. And I don’t want to date other people. Because you’re here now. You know that part too right?”

Hanbin stares at him in disbelief. Is this guy for real? Is this all for real?

“Yeah, I’m…..starting to figure that one out now.” Hanbin gives him a half smile and a full blush. “I don’t want to date other people either.”

“Good.” Jiwon says firmly with a nod, his eyes full of steely determination, like a dog who finally found its bone. “I don’t know why it’s always so hard to say the most obvious things. I was meant to say that to you weeks ago.”

Hanbin doesn’t even know how to respond. Not because he’s overwhelmed but because in that moment, he feels so close to Jiwon. The nerves, the jumbled thoughts, the uncertainty, the remorse, the determination. They weren’t very different from each other at all, not where it really counts.

“Misery is character building.” He says gravely, mocking Jiwon’s serious tone.

They both laugh then. The tension dissipating like thin wisps of smoke in the night.

“Who’s that from? The Socrates guy?”

“No, Calvin and Hobbes.” Hanbin says with a smile.

Jiwon laughs loudly this time. A genuine, undignified, seal bark of a laugh. Hanbin knew he missed it but he didn’t count on it sounding so good at a time like this. Of the many things he likes watching Jiwon do, laughing would be right near the top.

Along with his Brand New feelings, it’s slowly dawning on Hanbin that Jiwon’s happiness is the thing that makes him happy. There’s a sudden surge of adrenaline and happy, relieved excitement cursing through his veins like electricity that has just been turned on. He has the urge to tell Jiwon everything now, both the good and the bad. He feels drunk and slightly crazy. He wants to howl at the moon like a maniac in a drama.

But he doesn’t do any of those things.

Instead he watches as his hand reaches over and searches for Jiwon’s. When their fingers are nestled warmly against each other he tightens his grip, hoping Jiwon understands what he is trying to say.

I’m so glad you found me.

Jiwon squeezes back.

I’m so glad I found you.

Maybe this is what Donghyuk meant about being on the same page with someone. He was expecting a big obvious flashing neon sign but in the end, it was just a quiet handwritten note on a scrap of paper.

And Hanbin is absolutely fine with that.

Chapter Text

“No.”

Jiwon is barely two steps out of his bedroom when Yunhyeong gives him his first unsolicited review.

He figures Yun is still in “Curator Mode”. He’d been working for months organising the big art exhibition at the Gallery downtown and had volunteered both June and Jiwon to hand out the information handbooks for the show. It’s not Jiwon’s first time on handbook duty but last year’s show was closer to Banksy than Botticelli and he was allowed to wear his regular clothes for it.

But tonight was different. He was given instructions to wear “something neat and respectable” so he chose his newest and cleanest white t-shirt and blue jeans. It looked fine. He’s worn them before and Hanbin said it was fine. So it must be fine.

“It’s new-” He starts, pointing to the white fabric that hadn’t even begun to go gray yet.

“No. Go change.” Yun says sharply before turning to walk back out into the living room.

“Crazy bloody art people….” He toes his door shut, takes off the jeans and t-shirt and stands in front of his small wardrobe to look over his collection of oversized t-shirts and jeans. His wedding/funeral suit no longer fit since he started hitting the gym regularly. He sighs loudly before throwing on a black button down shirt and the tightest pair of jeans he owned. It’s black. This is an Art Event. This is surely their uniform.

He wanders out into his living where Yun was now on the phone to June. He gets a judgemental survey up and down before Yun shakes his head and turns back to his conversation. “Hey babe? Can you bring your navy suit over too? It’s in the closet next to all the work shirts…oh and that blue tie you wore to your sister’s graduation……no I haven’t changed my mind! Bring everything we agreed on plus that navy suit.”

Jiwon rolls his eyes and throws his hands up in surrender before sitting down heavily on his couch. Yun had come over early with boxes of hanbooks that needed to be sorted but Jiwon suspects he also just wanted to supervise his dressing process.

“….yeah, he looks tragic. I can’t have him looking like he just rolled off the street or one of those hip hop videos. Nothing is tailored! Yes, I know that’s his style but……..well, doesn’t Hanbin deserve to see him dress nicely for once? That poor kid….I don’t want him to think that I’m willing to let my friend look like a peasant.”

He perks up at the mention of Hanbin’s name. A small smile spreads over his face despite Yun’s insulting tirade.

It has only been a week since they had their talk at his garage and he’s pretty sure he’s burned through most of his phone credit on text messages already. As much as he loves talking to Hanbin, the faceless aspect of texting gives them both the overconfident courage to say things that they probably wouldn’t if they were face to face. Well, not yet anyway.

Yun had insisted on inviting Hanbin to the exhibit and was only more excited when he remembered that Hanbin’s magazine was the same one that emailed him about an interview and article. Yun had looked mortally wounded that Jiwon hadn’t mentioned it earlier, smacking his arm painfully during dinner and waving his chopsticks in his face, threatening to cut off his meal privileges until he introduced them.

Jiwon loves his meal privileges and he knows the main reason he’s even remotely healthy is because Yun and June are both great cooks and let him crash their dinners. The only thing he can cook up is a plan to get take-away.

He had really wanted to enjoy the almost secret situation he had with Hanbin for a little bit longer but then again….free food. He’s not proud to say that he folded like a piece of paper.

“JUNE. God, why are you defending him?” Yun exclaims loudly, jolting Jiwon out of his thoughts.

He watches Yun pinch the bridge of his nose as he continues to argue with June over the phone. “I need him to look neat. It’s my reputation too. Just bring the damm suit and tie okay….okay, thank you! See you soon.”

Yun hangs up and turns around in his chair with victorious smile. Jiwon always knew who had the upper hand in their relationship and it wasn’t June. Ever.

“Did you come over just to dress me?” Jiwon asks.

“You said you’d help me with the handbooks!” Yun says innocently, overdoing it and giving himself away completely.  

“Why do you care so much about how I look tonight anyway? You let me wear shorts last time.”

“That was modern street art. Nobody really cares what you wear to those shows. Tonight’s show is Impressionism and Post-Impressionism. Weren’t you listening when I told you? It’s the biggest show I’ve ever put on. All the lifestyle magazines are coming you know. And besides, isn’t it your first official outing with Hanbin? Since your whole melodramatic argument?”

Jiwon lets out a groan. “Geez, does June have to tell you everything?”

Yun only laughs at him. “You know that’s how things work, kiddo. But on that topic, I haven’t fully forgiven you for hiding Hanbin from me so I want a proper introduction and I want to ask him at least two questions before you go all Kevin Costner Bodyguard on everyone.” Yun makes his demand with his arms crossed over his chest and Jiwon’s always taken aback by how much Yun reminds him of his parents. He was like a dad or a mom without any kids.

“What? When have I ever gone Kevin Costner on anyone?! I’ve literally never hidden any boyfriends from you guys.”

Yun rolls his eyes to the left and Jiwon swears it’s the one that looks exactly like June’s condescending eye rolls. It was completely true: couples do tend to morph into each other after a certain amount of time.

“Exactly.” Yun says, as if it explained everything.

Jiwon looks at him in bewilderment. “What the hell that does mean?! You didn’t even answer anything.”

“You’ve never hidden anyone before. No offence but I got so sick of hearing about that last guy. He thought Da Vinci was French. Da Vinci doesn’t even sound French! I mean, really Jiwon. Have some standards please.”

He lays down on the couch in a big huff. “Oh my god! You’re never gonna let that go are you? I told you! He was a rapper! Why the hell would he know anything about 16th century Italian art?!”

Yun looks proud of his knowledge for a split second before going back to Mom-Mode. “Because Da Vinci is a creative genius and I judge anyone and everyone who doesn’t know of him. People should know Da Vinci, okay? Hanbin knows about him right?”

“Of course he does! He might know more than you actually.” Jiwon knows that’s probably not true but he can’t help getting Yun all riled up about art history.

Yun laughs derisively. “Ha! As if. Well, at least I’ll have an intelligent person to talk to when we have dinner together.”

“I’m telling June you said that.”

“Do it. It might make him lift his game a bit or listen to me once in awhile. I swear he just turns off his hearing when I start talking about art stuff.” Yun says with a sigh. “You guys drag me to all those DJ and rap events and I never complain….”

Jiwon scoffs loudly at that.

“…..but I drag you to one art thing and you both treat it like you’re going to war.”

“But we still go.” Jiwon points out.

Yun hums in agreement, features softening somewhat. “Well, yeah. That’s true.”

They spend the next 15 minutes stacking the handbooks into boxes and waiting for June to drive over with the suits.  

Jiwon is in the kitchen making them a cup of coffee when he hears June barging through the front door.

“Did you bring it?!” Yun’s excited voice.

“Yeah yeah….” June’s resigned voice.

He walks out with the mugs and nods a greeting to June before handing Yun his coffee.

He eyes the navy suit drapped over June’s arm with trepidation. “You expect me to wear that?”

“Yes. You’ll look great! He’ll be all blown away.” Yun bounces excitedly, causing June to reach out and grab the mug from him before he starts waving it around and splashing hot coffee all over the floor.

“Babe, I don’t think Hanbin’s with him for the visuals.” June smirks before taking a sip from the mug.

“Hey! He likes how I dress!” He interjects defensively.

“Is that what he said?” June says skeptically. “Well, he must have the patience of a saint and the honesty of a politician.”

He half expected Yun to come to his defence, the good cop to June’s bad one, but he gets nothing of the sort.

“Awww, he’s telling you white lies already. Must be special.”

Jiwon watches as they share a knowing look between them. He wishes he could be irritated with them but a part of him just also yearns to have that kind of bond with someone, to get to that point where you can share knowing looks and private in jokes that the rest of the World isn’t a part of.

It’s this line of thinking that convinces him that maybe Yun was right. Maybe he should make a bit of an effort for Hanbin. It wasn’t a proper date but they will spend time together and he wouldn’t want Hanbin to ever think that he wasn’t worth making the effort for.

He holds on to this thought as he lets Yun coax him into June’s navy suit before dragging him into the bathroom and running wax through his hair.

It takes a long 25 minutes before Yun stands back to look at him, nodding and humming with satisfaction. “Damm, I’m good. If this doesn’t get you laid then I don’t know what will.”

Jiwon colours immediately and, because God must want to test him today, June walks into the room right at that moment.

“Holy shit, are you actually blushing? In a suit that fits? With wax in your hair?” June laughs in disbelief. “Now, I’ve seen everything.”

“OKAY. Thank you. Haha. Very funny. Let’s all just go now please.” Jiwon motions them out of his room but June stops in his tracks.

“Hang on. Did you blush because you’re not hitting any home runs?”

“I am not talking about that! So don’t even ask me.” He replies tersely before sliding his phone, wallet and keys into his pocket.

“Oh my god. Seriously?” Yun looks at him with wide eyes. “Are you suddenly religious again? Like that time you were chasing that church guy? No sex before marriage?”

Yun tries to hold back his laughter. June doesn’t even bother.

And Jiwon just groans in frustration. Free food. Free food. Think of the free food.

“No! We just haven’t got to that part yet so don’t bring it up tonight when you see him. I swear to God, I’ll key your car and tell your parents about that time you both smoked weed in June’s house and I had to take the blame for it.”

The laughter dies abruptly.

“Dude….”

“Yeah, don’t ‘dude’ me! Just shut the fuck up about my sex life okay? And DO NOT ask him about it.”

He walks past them with a smirk. Well, he feels better already.

Chapter Text

“Stop it!” June hisses at him.

Jiwon lowers his hand from his tie. “I need to take this off. I’m so overdressed.”

“No, you’re not. It’s fine. Just smile, give the people the book and before you know it, we get to go home.” June says tiredly.

It’s then that Jiwon notices June’s dark features are more weary than usual.

“Hey, you okay?”

June nods. “Yeah, just completely smashed from this week with all the auditing and accounting paperwork. Plus, Yun was a mess running errands for the gallery so we had to swap cars and I hate driving his stupid Golf, it’s too small.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?! I could’ve gotten you a car from the garage.”

June just shakes his head. “No, it was only for a few days. Besides you kinda had a lot going on last week remember?”

“Yeah but still, bros before hoes.”

“You calling Hanbin a hoe?” June asks with a cheeky smile.

“I said nothing.”

“Okay, Romeo.” June chuckles. “I seriously can’t believe you guys haven’t-”

Jiwon groans and cuts him off. “Don’t.”

“You sure you’re not going all religious on us again?”

“I’m sure.”

“So why?”

Jiwon sighs, he knows June is like a dog with a bone once he gets stuck on something. “We just never got to that part. That’s all. Then we had the fight so, yeah, it just never happened. It’s not like that’s the whole reason I’m with him.”

“Wow, look at you all grown up and in your first adult relationship now.” June says dramatically.

“Well, it’s the truth.” He says defensively, feeling protective of Hanbin and their relationship, even from someone as close to him as June.

“This all sounds like bullshit. I know you. You get turned on by the vaguest hint of first base.”

Jiwon shrugs. “I don’t know. People can change June.”

“How do you deal with kissing him then?”

“I don’t.”

“Shut The Fucking Front Door.” June says incredulously and smacks him on the arm. “I don’t even know who you are anymore! Shit. Seriously? You’ve never even kissed him?”

Jiwon looks around them nervously. “Keep your voice down! Geez.”

June is too busy laughing in disbelief. “Oh man. This is crazy. You know, I kissed Yun after like four days.”

“And look how dumb you both turned out.”

“Yeah but we’ve been dumb together for six years.”

“What’s your point? Do you even have one?”

“No, I’m just surprised. And a little bit in awe actually.”

“Why?”

“Because, I’ve just never seen you so serious like this before. I’m just, well, kinda proud of you to be honest. You hate drama. I can’t remember the last time you were so mature or patient about something. We kinda thought you’d be a bachelor forever.”

Jiwon shoves at June’s shoulder in mild embarrassment but says nothing.

He knows it true though. He knows it’s too early and too foolish and too ridiculous to say it but Hanbin has already changed his life. Little things, like remembering tea preferences, opening doors and making sure he watches the weather report.

But there’s big things too, like knowing Hanbin’s allergies, getting irrationally worried when he takes too long to get home from work or secretly changing his entire schedule just in case.

Jiwon barely recognises himself.

He thought he wanted freedom and independence forever but that must be something people say when they end up with the wrong person. Hanbin isn’t exactly the easiest guy he’s been with but what he lacks in stability and compliance he more than makes up for with the kind of intensity that fills every single part of Jiwon’s life.

He’s so deep inside his head that he barely registers the nudge June gives him. It’s not until a particularly hard shove that he looks up and in the direction June is pointing.

Hanbin is walking through the double doors of the gallery. It’s probably normal speed but in Jiwon’s head everything is in slow motion. It was a cliche for sure but somewhere there’s an orchestra playing some kind of benevolent fight music, if there was such a thing.

The first thing he notices is that Hanbin’s hair is completely different. He was used to seeing it down and unstyled but right now, it’s slicked up to one side, revealing the new buzzcut underneath. The second thing he notices is that Hanbin is not wearing a suit but black jeans and a blazer. Hanbin has always been handsome, even in his old t-shirt and shorts, but right now Jiwon’s not sure he even has words for what he’s seeing.

“Damm.” June says earnestly beside him. “You are so not in his league.”

Jiwon says nothing. He always thought being speechless was unrealistic and impossible in real life but that was before he saw something that truly knocked him out. It was a funny sensation really; feeling both incredibly fortunate to belong to someone so amazing and also frighteningly inadequate by comparison. What the hell could he ever give Hanbin that some other person couldn’t? He tries to push away the negative thoughts. He knows he’s charming and attractive in his own way but put next to someone like Hanbin, he feels like the plainest of all potatoes. Not even a tasty French fry. Just a pile of mash.

“Come here.” June grabs his shoulders suddenly and turns him so they face each other. He loosens the tie and slides it off before flicking open the first two buttons of Jiwon’s white shirt. “Okay. Don’t tell Yun I did that.”

Jiwon just stares at him dumbly. June rolls his eyes for the billionth time before taking the remaining handbooks from him and giving him a push forward. “Just go. You’re officially useless to me now.”

He weaves through the crowd slowly and carefully. When he finally gets to him, Hanbin is standing in front of a painting of irises and reading from the handbook. His mind drifts back to the florist shop where they first met, did she have irises back then? Maybe Hanbin likes irises. He files that thought away for later.

A sudden surge of nervous jitters stops him in his tracks. He berates himself for getting nervous. He’s a grown man. He doesn’t get nervous. Why should he be nervous? They’re already dating. You’re fine Jiwon. You’re fine. The situation is fine.

But his heart still stutters in it’s pacing and his palms still sweat anyway, completely disregarding his inner pep talk.

He realises he must’ve been standing frozen in his spot behind Hanbin for a good 2 minutes. Maybe Hanbin could feel his presence because he slowly turns to look over his shoulder, his skittish expression and sharp features only softening and relaxing when their eyes meet.

Then Hanbin smiles at him. A full genuine dimple smile that Jiwon just knows will get him into trouble from now till the end of time.

He tries to smile back but he’s not sure what actually comes out.

“Hey. You okay?” Hanbin stops right in front of him and no, he’s not okay because his stomach just plummeted 30 stories to the ground.

And Jesus, Jiwon can now smell a spikey woodsy cologne. Great, it will probably haunt him like a ghost for the rest of the night.

“Um,” he clears his throat first. “Hey, I’m fine. How are you?”

Hanbin gives him another stupid dimple smile. Evil bastard.

“I’m good. You look nice. I’ve never seen you in a suit before.”

“Yun dressed me.”

Hanbin gives him an amused look. “Did he? Why?”

“Something about his reputation and tailoring and you.”

“Me?” Hanbin replies with surprise. “What about me?”

“He didn’t want me to embarrass him…or you. I think.”

“Oh, okay….well, I think he did an awesome job then.”

“You are so…..” He blurts out but then trails off feeling embarrassed when he has no idea how to finish the sentence.

He really wants to compliment Hanbin back and resolves to study the thesaurus tomorrow because there are truly no words that seem worthy right now. How many synonyms are there for beautiful? Not the generic kind that’s approved by society. Or the genetically perfect kind approved by your parents. What’s the word for the type of beautiful that is completely inexplicable and makes you want to convert to their religion? That’s the word he needs.

“I am so….what?” Hanbin asks with a playful grin.

“You know.” He half whines, waving his hands haphazardly like an idiot.  

Hanbin laughs. “I really don’t. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine!” He says, probably a bit too loud. “Um, wanna take a look around?”

“Sure.”

They make their way through the gallery, stopping in front of pieces that Hanbin is interested in and Jiwon pretends to contemplate. It’s ironic really. All this amazing art on display and the only thing he can look at is this one guy. Is he being cheesy if he thinks Hanbin is more interesting than art? He doesn’t want to be someone who loses themselves as soon as they get into a relationship. He openly mocks those guys. God, what if he’s already turning into one?

There’s a nudge against his shoulder.

“Huh?”

“Are you sure you don’t need to sit down or something? Your eyes are all glazed over.” Hanbin says with a hint of concern.

Jiwon fumbles for an answer in the dark. “I’m just not good with art stuff.”

Hanbin smiles and seems to accept it. “Oh. It’s easy. Let me show you.”

He grabs Jiwon’s wrist and leads him to a painting of some twisted tree branches on a plain background. It doesn’t seem all that remarkable to Jiwon but maybe it’s famous or something.

“What do you think that is?”

“Tree branches?”

“Yeah, so how do you feel about it? And think for two seconds before you answer.”

“Well, I like it I guess. My grandma has trees with really gnarly branches in her backyard and we used to go their every summer, so it reminds me of that. Is that right?” He looks across at Hanbin, wanting his approval but feeling like a child with overly simplistic thoughts in a place full of adults and complicated adult thoughts.

Hanbin doesn’t laugh at him, which is a good start. He just nods and gives him a small soft smile, no dimples this time but it’s the type of smile his mother used to give him as a child. Kind, patient and maybe proud or something.

“Well, see here’s the thing about art: there’s no right or wrong. The only thing you need to do is decide whether you like it or not.”

“That sounds like a lie.” He says flatly.

Hanbin laughs. “No, I mean it. When you look at something you involve yourself and it becomes like a personal experience, so it can’t really be “wrong”. Art is objective in a lot of ways, like who has better technique or whatever, but I think it’s predominantly subjective.”

“Okay so why does everyone make it out be really hard and complicated? Or something you need a degree to understand?”

“Because some people want to go beyond just liking it. They want to understand every aspect. Creators kill themselves trying to define and understand the human condition. It’s a completely unsolvable puzzle so the art critics and historians are really only guessing. Sometimes they overcomplicate things and that makes everyone else feel stupid. Just because something is hard to understand doesn’t make it better than you.”

Jiwon thinks, way too smugly, that Hanbin just insulted generations of art critics to make him feel better.

It works.

“I thought you’d be more….I don’t know…” He stumbles for the right word.

“Traditional? Old school?” Hanbin supplies.

“Yeah. Like Yun is.”

“Well, I still think like that most of the time. Art should definitely be respected but not taken too seriously.” Hanbin shrugs.

For the tenth time tonight Jiwon is speechless and can’t stop staring in wonderment and awe. Is this what it’s going to be like for the rest of their time together?

Hanbin nudges his shoulder again. “What?”

“You just surprise me sometimes.”

Hanbin nods and hums. “It’s because we’re doing everything backwards.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well,” Hanbin looks down at his feet and starts rubbing at his neck nervously. “You got me before you really knew everything about me so it’s only now that you’re finding out. It’s supposed to be the other way round you know? You’re supposed to road test the car before you buy it.”

“Some people already know what they want though.”

“Do they?”

“Yes.”

“What if it doesn’t turn out to be the right car for you?”

“I’ll make it right. You know I work in a garage.” He says cheekily. “No, seriously though, people fall in love with cars even if they’re impossible to live with. The Beast never wants to start in hot weather and the back door handles keep getting stuck but I still love that car. I don’t want another one.”

“What if someone gave you a Maserati?”

“I’ll say thanks. Then strip out all the parts to put in the Beast.” He laughs lightly but it dies down when he sees Hanbin’s serious face. “Don’t worry, I’m never getting rid of the Beast. We’re Ride or Die.”

“But one day you might want to change? You might outgrow the Beast. What are you going to do then?” Hanbin continues.

Jiwon senses the tension all the sudden, even though it was hidden behind a seemingly innocuous question. Were they even talking about cars anymore?

“Well, if I change then I change.” He says with a shrug. “I can’t predict the future. All I know is that I really love the Beast right now and if someone wants to take it from me they’ll have to pry it from my cold dead hands.”

They stand together in awkward silence and Jiwon hopes his message is getting through because he’s still learning all the different signs of a worried Hanbin.

“It’s like, um, art.” He tries a different tactic, knowing there must be some deep seated worries in Hanbin’s head if he doesn’t even attempt to fill the silences with useless facts.

“Huh?” Hanbin’s facial expression transitions from worried to puzzled. It’s a look so endearingly cute that Jiwon has to stop himself from just pulling him into a hug.

“Art. I might not understand it properly but I know what I love. That’s the most important part isn’t it?”

A smile blooms on Hanbin face and that’s when Jiwon knows he must’ve said something right.

“Yeah.” Hanbin says quietly.

“What do you think of that painting by the way?” He pushes on, not wanting Hanbin to withdraw back into himself.

“Oh, it kinda reminds me of Vincent Van Gogh, he had a lot of paintings like that. But now it’s probably just going to remind me of you as a kid, in your grandma’s backyard.”

Hanbin chuckles to himself and Jiwon is overcome with a strange feeling of fondness. The familial kind. Which was bizarre because he’s fairly sure that he’s only felt that way about his actual family, Yun and June.

Weird.

He grabs Hanbin’s fingers in a move that he thought would be romantic but there’s a look of alarm on Hanbin’s face that has him pulling away immediately.

“Oh, do you not-” He starts hesitantly.

Hanbin shakes his head and puts his hands in his pocket. Jiwon still doesn’t know what the answer is.

“Come outside with me for a bit?”

Hanbin hesitates but nods and follows him out. He leads them around the corner where there’s just rows of parked cars. How fitting.

“So do you not like me touching you in public?” He asks point blank.

“My parents don’t know.” Hanbin says suddenly, like the floodgates just opened and he can’t keep it in.

Oh.

“About me or about….you?”

Hanbin looks at him apologetically before focusing on something in the distance. “Both. They don’t know any of it and I don’t want them finding out because someone saw us. I don’t think they’d take it that well.”

“Okay. It’s okay.” Jiwon says in his best comforting voice.

“No, it’s not!” Hanbin half-yells with so much anguish that Jiwon’s taken aback by the intensity. “I’m still lying to them.”

“Hey. It’s okay. Really.”

Hanbin is looking at his shoes and shaking his head. Jiwon prays to every single God in the Universe that he doesn’t fuck this up like last time.

They’re alone in the car park so he reaches up to lightly touch the side of Hanbin’s face. “Look at me.”

Hanbin ends up look at his earrings but it’s close enough.

“It’s really okay. My parents think I will end up liking girls again, that’s why I keep having to go on those dumb church dates. Parents just need time to adjust.”

“But they know you like guys too.”

“Yeah they know. But it’s a long process. We’ve been living with the idea for a long time but for them, it probably feels like it came out of nowhere. That’s normal.”

He’s attempting to come across as calm and comforting but that just gets Hanbin shaking his head and sighing again.

“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. It’s really okay Hanbin. I can wait till you tell them.”

And that just makes things worse because Hanbin starts rambling on about being a coward.

He grips Hanbin’s arm firmly, as if to anchor him back to reality. “Woah woah. Hanbin. Stop! You’re not a coward. You can tell them or not tell them. Now or in 6 months or never. We’ll just work around it. It’s okay.”

“Stop saying that. It’s not okay. I don’t want you to wait for me to get my shit together.”

“It’s fine-”

“It’s not fine!”

Jiwon is a patient guy but even he has his limits. “Oh my god. I said it’s fine. Why would I say that if I didn’t think it? I’m not lying to you. I’ll wait. How ever long it takes.”

“Doesn’t it bother you?” Hanbin asks with a grimace.

“No. Not right now.” He says truthfully.

“It bothers me. I bother me. I hate that I keep doing this to you and ruining every night we have together. You deserve something normal.”

“No.” He knows Hanbin’s misery loves company and he really doesn’t want to get dragged into another exhausting argument. Especially not when they’re on the same side.

He slides his hand down to massage the skin over Hanbin’s wrist. It seems to calm him down so he keeps doing it, eyes flicking up to watch the road every now and then.

“We’ll figure it out. A solution will present itself. That’s what June always says. And I’m not going to leave just because your parents don’t know. It’s really not that big of a deal right now so don’t even worry about it. We’ll just hang out at home a lot or something. Okay?”

He waits until he hears Hanbin’s soft, “Okay.”

“Come on. Let’s go back inside, June and Yun will want to say hi and you need to teach me more Art for Dummies.”

That gets the smallest crack of a smile out of Hanbin and Jiwon counts it as another hard won battle. They can deal with the war later.

On their walk back to the gallery he can’t help but think how deep and complicated this was turning out to be. He never thought this is where he’d be after meeting Hanbin in the rain 2 months ago. He never knew how much work he had to put in. But the most surprising thing is that he really isn’t scared of any of it.

God, June was right. He really was growing up.

Chapter Text

Jiwon starts talking as soon as they walk out of the gallery doors. “Okay. What did Yunhyeong ask you when he was showing you around?”

“Just art questions and um-”

“And what?”

“And stuff about us.” Hanbin shrugs, trying to be casual.

They reach the car but Jiwon doesn’t unlock it. Instead he looks at Hanbin with an expectant expression. “Okay, what does that mean? You can’t just say ‘stuff about us’ and not tell me what that means. I am a part of this ‘us’, you know?”

Us.

Hanbin never thought he’d ever be a part of an ‘us’. Never thought he was special enough or lucky enough or normal enough to be picked by anyone, let alone someone like Jiwon. He feels a smile growing deep inside before it finally makes its way out onto his face.

Jiwon watches him impatiently before pointing his finger across the car roof. “No! Don’t give me that smile! Come on, tell me what he asked you!”

“Can I get inside at least? We look really dumb talking across the car like this”

“No. Tell me and I’ll let you in.”

Hanbin rolls his eyes. “Oh my god. Okay, fine. I honestly didn’t think he’d get so personal so soon but he asked me if I liked Da Vinci more than Michaelangelo…”

“Hanbin!”

Hanbin can’t help laughing. He really should cut Jiwon some slack or try to be more helpful and less deliberately obtuse. He knows it can’t be easy talking to and dealing with someone as chaotic as him.

But okay, if Hanbin is honest with himself, the pouty-confused look on Jiwon’s face right now is so endearing that he really doesn’t mind if it stays there for a little bit longer.  

“Okay okay,” He holds his hands up in surrender. “I’ll be serious. I said that Leonardo was a good leader but Michaelangelo was definitely my favourite teenage mutant ninja turtle.”

He starts laughing at his own joke and doesn’t notice that Jiwon has walked around the car to stand in front of him. “You are really annoying. I should make you walk home.”

Hands cage him against the car door. He swallows thickly as he’s suddenly hyperaware of how close they are. He can feel the heat radiating off Jiwon’s body and even though they weren’t even touching, there’s the ghost of pressure against his skin. Or maybe he just imagined it.

He shifts his back further against the door. “Um… someone might see us.”

Jiwon removes his hands then and steps back. Hanbin pretends he doesn’t breathe out in relief. “See how nice it feels when someone just does what you want them to?”

“Yeah, you’re so obedient. Thanks.”

Jiwon chuckles despite himself. “You’re being impossible right now.”

He shrugs. No point denying the truth. Jiwon shoves him lightly and before unlocking the doors. “Get in Princess.”

“Urgh, can you not call me that?” He grimaces as he climbs into the passenger seat. “Anything but that.”

“Anything?” Jiwon grins as he buckles in next to him. “Oh really? I’ll remember you said that.”

“Well, something nice. And cute. But not too cute! Not that disgustingly embarrassing kind of cute. I hate that. Something cool.”

Jiwon laughs condescendingly and reaches over to pat him gently on the shoulder. “There’s no such thing as a cute but cool nickname. It’s one or the other, buddy.”

“I pick cool then.”

“Who said you get to pick? I pick. You deal with it.” Jiwon states smugly.

“Fine. Then I’ll give you a stupid one right back. It goes both ways, buddy.”

“Fine!” Jiwon exclaims. There’s a tinge of fire in his voice but when Hanbin looks over he’s just smiling at him.

“What?”

“Nothing.” Jiwon shakes his head, still smiling. “It’s just nice talking to you. You know, about stupid normal things.”

What Jiwon doesn’t say is “and not dramatic heavy things with actual significance that make us both angry”. But he was right, it was nice to talk like this. Here’s hoping more of their conversations will be just as stupid and normal because Hanbin is absolutely done with talking about serious heavy topics all the time.

A few seconds of silence pass between them and while he’s getting better at keeping his useless facts to himself, even he has his limits. “Um, so are you going to drive? I thought you were hungry?”

“No, I’m still waiting for you to tell me what Yun asked you. I let you in the car, now tell me everything.”

Hanbin leans back in his seat, clearly Jiwon wasn’t going to let go of this tonight. “I don’t know why you care but okay. First of all, you have to promise me that you won’t tell him that I told you.”

“Of course I won’t. Man, I’ve been dying to keep some actual secrets from those two.”

“Okay, and you have to apologise and make it up to me in some way.”

“Apologise for what?!”

“You abandoned me! Yunhyeong literally interrogated me when we were looking at the post-impressionism paintings. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to look at them again without sweating.”

“I knew it!” Jiwon mutters under his breath. “But that wasn’t my fault though. He wouldn’t let me come with you! Something about Kevin Costner.”

Hanbin snorts when it clicks in his head. “Kevin Costner? As in The Bodyguard?”

Jiwon nods. “Look, I’m sorry you got interrogated okay? I’ll give you whatever you want. Now just tell me.”

“Whatever I want?” Hanbin looks over with a cheeky grin. “Okay. I’ll remember you said that.”

“Yeah, yeah. Now, spill it.”

Hanbin clears his throat. “Okay, well. He asked me about my job and when we ran into Donghyuk, he asked a lot of questions about what we were working on. So that part was okay. When Donghyuk left, he asked me what I thought about June and his tattoos. I said I loved them but I couldn’t tell if he was happy with the answer or not.”

Jiwon nods like he’s heard it all before. “He thinks June has too many.”

“Oh. That makes sense because I told him I was thinking about getting one and all he said was to make sure June gave me a properly long appointment. It was a bit weird to be honest. Does he not like tattoos? Because maybe he’s dating the wrong guy?”

Jiwon shakes his head. “Nah, he likes them but June started getting too many and I guess they’re not “aesthetic” enough for an art critic. But honestly, and don’t tell him I told you, Yun’s always whining about our tattoos. It’s just his thing. He’s an old man set in his ways.”

“He’s really fond of you, you know.” Hanbin says with a small smile, recalling the conversation he had earlier in the night when Yunhyeong, Yun, had spoken about Jiwon’s teenage years with an impossibly soft expression on his face.

“What did he say? That he and June practically raised me? That I was a loser who only turned out so well because of their wisdom and guidance? He lives to embarrass me. They both do.”

Hanbin laughs and reaches across to squeeze Jiwon’s arm, getting momentarily distracted by the way the hard defined muscles move under his hand. “Actually, that’s exactly what he said. He told me how you all became friends too. It’s a nice story.”

“No, it’s lame story.” Jiwon scrunches up his face as if even the mere memory of it was unpleasant. “Okay, what else did he ask?”

“Well, he really wanted to know how we met and what I thought of you.”

“And what did you say?” There’s a slight shake in Jiwon’s voice, it’s something so rare that Hanbin knows he needs to be careful with what comes next.

“I told him the truth.” He says simply. “That we met in the rain because we’re both kinda bad at dressing ourselves. He laughed and said that nothing had changed and that we both deserved each other.”

“Did he? That was a really weird day though.” Jiwon says quietly, his voice sounding distant and faraway in that moment.

“Yeah, I know.”

There’s a pause again as they both retreat inside their heads, reliving their first meeting all over again.

“What about the other part? What did you say about that?”

Hanbin runs his hand down Jiwon’s forearm before sliding their fingers together. “Well, I just said that sometimes I can’t believe that we’re…this. There are days where I wake up and it doesn’t feel real.”

Jiwon raises an eyebrow in surprise. “You really told him that?”

Hanbin flushes a deeper shade of pink but he tries his hardest not to look away. “Yeah. I mean, I didn’t want to say anything. It’d be weird to tell him something before I told you. Everything is always so backwards with us. I really didn’t want to add another thing to that list but Yun just has this weird way of getting info out of you.” He hopes Jiwon won’t ask him for more details because his cheeks already feel like they’re on fire.

“He’s sneaky and nosy but everyone just thinks he’s harmless and nice.” Jiwon says with a shake of his head. “ Was that it though? He didn’t say anything else?”

“Well, he said that June thinks I could do better.” He chuckles weakly.

“Of course he does.” Jiwon says flatly. “You could though. Do better, I mean. A lot better.”

Hanbin scoffs because there’s no way he could. “I doubt it. I’m never going to find anybody who dresses as badly as me. I kinda need you around to make me look better by comparison.”

Jiwon laughs at that but doesn’t look up, giving Hanbin the freedom to stare at his face and search for signs of insincerity or uncertainty (he doesn’t find any). He tries to find Jiwon’s eyes but he’s now looking down at their linked hands and watching the way soft fingertips brush against the rougher, more calloused ones. The action causes his heart to start beating right up into his throat.

“Besides,” He begins nervously, hoping to ease the tension that he’s not sure he’s ready for right now. Not in a public carpark anyway. “Who else is going to put up with all the typos in your texts at 7 in the morning?”

Jiwon just shakes his head, still smiling. It’s then that Hanbin feels fingers closing tightly around his, curling his hand into a fist before he’s watching, though not quite believing, Jiwon bringing it up to place a kiss across his knuckles.

Hanbin’s heartbeat thunders inside his chest and there’s nothing but white noise in his head. His stomach doesn’t drop the usual 30 stories to earth but plummets straight underground (probably to Hell). He stares dumbly at Jiwon’s lower lip and tries to think of something normal to say.

“One day I’m gonna have a fucking heart attack because of you.” He brings his other hand up to rest on his chest, marvelling at how fast his heart is still actually beating.

He hears that laugh he loves so much, then a final squeeze of his hand before Jiwon lets go to shift the car into drive. “Still want that chocolate waffle?”

“Yes.”

It’s only later, when they’re already on the freeway and both his heart rate and nerves are back to normal again, that Hanbin suddenly remembers something. “Hey, Jiwon? What did Donghyuk say to you when I was talking to Yun?”

Chapter Text

Maybe in a movie Jiwon would’ve kissed Hanbin as they walked along the Han River after the Exhibition. Maybe they would’ve linked hands nervously and heard 90s RnB music playing faintly in the distance as a light breeze ruffles through Hanbin’s hair.

But none of that actually happens. Out of the corner of his eye, Jiwon saw the moment come….then he watched it go, floating away with an apologetic shrug.

He’s okay with it. They’re hungry, tired and uncomfortable in their clothes so instead of being in a movie they sit under the bridge in untucked shirts and rolled up sleeves, passing plates of food and bubble tea between them, talking easily about rap songs, tattoo plans and how to deal with the fact that Donghyuk politely threatened him at the gallery (answer: when the time comes, move to Mexico if grovelling and bribery don’t work.)

There were too many people around for them to do anything else but even when they were alone, nothing happened. Even when he gets caught staring at Hanbin’s mouth as it sucks on the straw. Even with the dim light offering some cover. Even then, with the opportunity flashing at him in neon lights, nothing happened. He just took an extra big mouthful of chocolate waffle as Hanbin smiled around his straw.

But it’s okay. It’s okay, he tells himself. It will happen when it happens.

He tries not to be too disappointed when they don’t kiss goodnight either. Instead, he watches Hanbin stumble out the car, dragging his black blazer haphazardly behind him and yawning repeatedly.

“Thanks for tonight. It was good.” Hanbin says through the car window. “Maybe the next time we hang out there will be less people around though?”

“With less interrogations and threats?” He adds.

“Yeah.”

“Next time it’ll just be me and you.”

“Okay.” Hanbin yawns as he leans heavily against the passenger window. “I better go, otherwise I’ll just sleep in your car.”

Jiwon honestly wouldn’t even mind but he knows it’s probably a bit too early for that sort of thing.

“Go. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

Hanbin nods and rubs his eyes. It’s a move that makes him look much younger than his 25 years and Jiwon gets the urge to hug him to his chest. The fiery Hanbin is all smart words and sharp teeth that sink into his skin without mercy but the tired, sad and vulnerable Hanbin is something that scares him, not because he can’t handle it (he knows he can) but because it reaches down into his core and drags all of his protective instincts to the surface. He’d probably follow Hanbin straight into Hell if he asked him to and run twice as fast if he didn’t.

“Okay. Well, Goodnight. Thanks for the ride. Drive safely.”

“Night. Sleep well.”

Hanbin waves as he walks towards his apartment, turning back after a few steps to yell out, “Hey, text me when you get home! So I know.”

So I know.

Jiwon wonders what that means exactly. He wonders about it all the way home, right up to the moment when he gets to his door and lets his keys hang in the lock so he can type out a text.

[im home. Didn’t die. Sorry if I woke you. xxj]

He drags himself through a quick shower and throws on some clean boxers before collapsing face down onto his bed. He’s just about to drift off when he hears the muted buzz of his phone next to him.

[good. It’s too much work finding a replacement.]

[im irreplcble. thats hard to spell]

[why don’t you use auto carrot]

[whts that? Spellcheck 4 bunnies?]

[bold words from bunnyteeth guy]

[whatever you say princess]

[if you call me that i’m breaking up with you]

[but youre not allowed to]

[I’m falling asleep. Sorry. Text me when you wake up.]

[go sleep. Night. xxj]

[night bunnyteeth xxh]

It doesn’t take long to fall asleep after that, not when dreamworld beckons him in with images of dimple smiles, undercuts and bunnyteeth.

He’s still tired when his alarm goes off at 9am but the physical lethargy is offset by the kind of mental optimism that you can only get when your life is on the right track. He stretches out underneath his warm sheets, smiling at the ceiling and watching the sun filter through the gaps in his curtains. His hand smooths over the empty space next to him and he wonders what it might be like if it wasn’t so empty one day.

Somewhere on the other side of Seoul, probably still asleep, is chaos, art and random useless facts all rolled up into a riddle wrapped enigma. But he loves chaos and he loves that that is what he belongs to now. The revelation echoes in his head, the repetition doing nothing to diminish the thrill that he gets every time he thinks about Hanbin. He buries his head into his pillow and groans loudly. When did he get this lame and embarrassing? He would never hear the end of it if June knew the truth.

He should really get up and hit the gym to sweat all this out. But not before he digs around the sheets to find his phone.

[good morning. Guess wat? Didn’t die in the night. Sorry if I woke you xxj]

His cinnamon toast cereal tastes extra sweet this morning as he watches the news and tries to catch the weather report as it scrolls across the bottom of the screen. Outside his door he can hear his apartment block waking up and coming to life, there’s already music playing, a dog barking and a child’s high pitched giggle. Has it always been this idyllic? Maybe he was imagining it. Or maybe this is what life through Rose Tinted sunglasses feels like: one long movie with a happy ending.

He’s pulling on his gym shorts when his phone buzzes with a message alert.

[hey bunnyteeth. glad you’re alive. its too early, i’m going back to sleep]

[wait are you free 2moro? I’m going to get roses for rp, want to come?]

[sure ok good night xxh]

[lol okay, btw it’s Sunny today wth the chance of a late cold front. Call me if you get bored. xxj]

It’s 11:30 and he’s just walking out the gym doors when he gets another message.

[there are like 30 different types of cereal in this new store.]

He turns on the handsfree function in his car and dials Hanbin’s number as he pulls out of the car park.

“Are you calling me? Why are you calling me? I’m buying food.” Hanbin says, as if he was completely surprised by the turn of events. “Why is it so noisy?”

“Sorry, I’m driving.”

“Going somewhere? Also: hi.”

“Hey.” It never fails to make him smile, how off kilter conversations with Hanbin can be. “Yeah I just left the gym, going to Yun and June’s place now because they’ve got some sort  of car emergency.”

“Oh okay. I’ve got dinner with my parents tonight. I don’t know if I should bring some alcohol or a lot of alcohol.” Hanbin says glumly. “Actually, I don’t think there’s enough alcohol in the world for this.”

“That bad huh?”

He laughs lightly, mainly to be polite, but he really has no idea how they’re going to deal with the parent issue when the time comes. They will probably survive dinner with his parents but he has no idea what they’re going to do about Hanbin’s parents. In the back of his mind, he knows it’s unfair to paint them in a negative light before they’ve even met but at the same time, he’s learnt to never ignore his gut instincts and his gut tells him that it’s going to be difficult at best or a complete disaster.

Hanbin groans on the other end. “They’re going to get on my case about why I’m still apparently a sad single hermit. Maybe pass a few phone numbers my way because they think they’re being helpful.”

“They sound like my parents.”

“Maybe I should just tell them.” Hanbin says quietly but it comes across loud and clear and trips the alarm in his head.

“Hang on a sec.” He quickly finds a spot on a side street to pull over and park. “What do you want to tell them?”

“That I’m not single anymore. It’d be nice to tell them one less lie.” There’s a sad chuckle at the end of it that just makes him want to reach through the phone connection to hug Hanbin tightly.

“Oh. Okay, if you’re sure.” He replies, relieved. “I kinda thought you wanted tell them everything. About you and…me.”

There’s a sharp cackle on the other line, like the idea was beyond comprehension. “I’m feeling brave Jiwon, not suicidal. I don’t know what to do about that at all right now but maybe I can just get them off my back about girlfriends for awhile.”

“Aren’t they gonna want to meet her?”

“Yeah probably.”

“But she doesn’t exist.”

There’s rustling on Hanbin’s end. “Should I get Honey Nut Crunch or Froot Loops?”

The conversational whiplash disorientates him briefly before he catches up with Hanbin’s train of though.

“Froot Loops? No, don’t get that. Froot Loops are so unhealthy. It’s all sugar. Get cinnamon toast cereal. The gluten and sugar free version. That’s the one I have.”

He can practically hear Hanbin’s grimace. “Is it also taste free?”

“No!” He laughs. “It’s really good. I mean, you’re not eating wholemeal bran but at least you’re trying.”

“Well….okay.” Hanbin replies, entirely unconvinced.

“I’ll come over and eat the rest if you hate it.”

“Win-Win situation for you there.” Hanbin says flatly. “Look at how that turned out.”

“Yeah, amazing.” He smiles to himself before his mind returns to what they were talking about before. “So hey, are you really sure you want to just tell your parents? Won’t it create like 10 more problems for you?”

Okay, so he’s selfish. He was looking forward to spending some stress-free time with Hanbin now that everything had settled down. The thought of going through the complicated aspects of their relationship all over again just makes him want to go back to sleep.

“You think I should wait?”

“It’s up to you, Hanbin. If you feel like you want to tell them, then that’s what you should do.” He says, trying to be supportive despite his inner monologue.

“But?”

“But what?”

“You want to say something about it. I can tell.”

“No….it’s your decision.” He says carefully.

There’s a loud sigh. “Jiwon. Just tell me. I’m asking.”

He takes a breath. “Well, I was just thinking that it’s not always a good idea to tell them things like that without having some kind of plan. I mean, at least have a back up girl to help bail you out if they want to meet her last minute. That’s what parents like to do, spring these surprise attacks. It happened to me and look where I am now- still going on pointless church dates.”

There’s a sigh and pause as Hanbin thinks about his words. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. I haven’t thought it through properly.”

He exhales slowly in relief. “Yeah, there will be other chances to tell them.”

“You know this means I’ll probably have to go on some fake dates then? Like you did?”

“It’s okay. Just be really boring. She’ll probably never call you again.”

“Is that what you do?”

“Sometimes. I usually just play the friendzone and drop in a few really polarising things. Like wanting 7 kids and moving to an apple orchard. There’s been approximately zero second dates after that.” He says with a laugh.

“Really? That sounds kinda nice though. Well, maybe not seven kids. Maybe four.”

He freezes mid laugh. Hanbin’s earnest consideration of his ridiculous date tactics takes him by surprise.

“I was joking Hanbin.”

“No you weren’t. 50% of all jokes are true.”

There’s no one around but he blushes anyway. “That sounds like something you just made up.”

“It’s legit I swear! I read it somewhere. I bet you really do want to have a bunch of kids on a farm. Right?”

“Maybe.” He says noncommittally.

There’s laughter on the other end. “Knew it. You live in the 1950s but it’s a cute dream to have. I’ll remember to drop something like that on my fake date.”

“Wait a second. You said four kids. You want to have four kids?”

“Yeah. Maybe? One day.”

“Oh. Cool.”

It’s then that his mind does that annoying thing where it takes an idea and fills his head with all sorts of futurescape images. What would Hanbin’s kids look like? What would his kids look like? Does Hanbin think his kids will be their kids? How can he get out of this conversation?

It gives him a headache thinking too far into the future. He never used to think about the details but lately, he catches himself staring at couples with small children and dreaming of scenarios which weren’t so impossible. He’s optimistic but he’s also realistic, there’s a line in the sky and having biological kids was so far beyond the line that it was in the realms of impossible fiction.

“Hey? You still there?”

“Yeah Yeah. I’m still here.”

“I better go. I need to get the shopping done before I go pick up my sister from dance class.”

He breathes out another sigh of relief. He loves talking to Hanbin but there are times when serious topics just sneak up on them and it gets too much, even over the phone.

“Yeah I need to go too. Text me later, about your dinner?”

“Yeah I will.”

“And I guess I’ll come over at like 10 tomorrow? If you still want to come to June’s?”

“Yeah, I’ll be ready.”

“Cool. Okay.” There’s an awkward pause because he’s never been good at saying goodbye. No matter how overwhelming their conversations gets, when the time comes there’s always a part of him that’s reluctant to let go, even if it’s only temporary. “Well umm…”

“Say bye, you loser.” Hanbin laughs on the other end.

“Okay! Fine. BYE.”

“Bye bunnyteeth. See you tomorrow.”

“Okay, bye.”

“And now you hang up.”

“Okay.” His finger hovers over the End-Call button but he can’t make himself push it.

“You’re still there.”

“Yup.”

“Okay well, there’s an old lady giving me death glares at the checkout so I really have to go!”

Hanbin hangs up first. It’s how he prefers their calls to go because there’s something so difficult about hanging up on Hanbin. Or dropping him off and watching him walk away. Or being awake and knowing he’s still sleeping. He tells himself that he’ll be completely fine watching Hanbin go on fake dates but he knows it won’t be that simple when it happens.

Shaking his head, he starts the car to rejoin the flow of traffic.

The sun is setting by the times he gets home from fixing Yun’s car and has a second shower to wash off all the sweat and grease. He’s on the couch watching Iron Chef when the phone buzzes on the coffee table.

[pls save me]

[what happened? want me to come get you?]

[i said SAVE ME. not GET ME KILLED]

[how drunk are you]

[not drunk at all]

[tragedy, sorry for your loss]

[i miss you]

The message surprises him with its suddenness. He knows Hanbin can be unpredictable but he’s always taken aback by just how much it knocks him off his feet.

[i miss you too. U ok? Bc i can really come and get you]

[yeah I’m fine. Hanbyul’s distracting them with her ballet trophy.]

[she won something?]

[they give them out to every kid]

[lolz don’t be rude]

[I’m not! It’s the truth. Ahhhh I gotta go. xxh]

[ok call me later. xxj]

It’s midnight and he’s in bed watching the late 24-hour news when his phone lights up next to him.

[are you still up?]

He can’t think of a decent short reply so dials Hanbin’s number instead.

“It was horrible.” Hanbin says as soon as he picks up.

“Wanna tell me all about it?”

“They were on my back for twenty minutes about being a weird recluse and well, long story short, they gave my number to my dad’s business partner’s daughter. So I’m basically fucked, no matter how it ends.”

“Oh…..Shit.”

“Yeah.” Hanbin agrees miserably.

“Well….” He starts, trying to be positive but trailing off when he can’t think of anything to say. Hanbin, on the other hand, has plenty to say.

“It’s so bad. I just know it. If she hates me, she’ll tell her parents. Then they’ll tell my parents. And it might be weird at their company. That will get my dad pissed at me. Again. Even though I don’t even like girls and told them all night that I was too busy to have a relationship! Why do I have to deal with this stupid fucking situation Jiwon? On my list of stupid fucking situations, this would have to be number 1.”

“Are you drunk?”

“A little bit.”

“Are you at home?”

“YES.”

“Okay, good. But listen, don’t worry too much about it Hanbin. We’ll figure something out when it happens.”

“Why can’t we figure it out now?” Hanbin whines.

“Because it’s midnight and she hasn’t called you yet.” He reasons.

“Why can’t you just fix this?!”

He laughs despite their situation. “I promise I’ll think of something. It’ll be okay. I got through them, you will too.”

There’s a heavy dramatic sigh on the other end before Hanbin’s sleepy voice comes through again, this time accompanied by a yawn. “I’m in bed. Tell me something. I don’t want to think about girls anymore.”

“Umm, what do you want to hear?”

“Tell me about your seven kids and apple orchard. What kind of kids are you gonna have? And what kind of apples?”

The request catches him off guard, he didn’t expect this conversation to come back so soon. Or at all.

“Oh. Um. Probably all kinds of apples. I need to do some research on Apple species. You know any Apple experts?”

“I’m an Apple expert. I like the red ones and the Macbook Pro.”

“So helpful. Real expert.”

“Tell me more. I want to fall asleep.”

“Okay. Well. Firstly, no offence, but I’m gonna need an expert who knows more about apples than “red” and “laptop”. I kinda want to live on one of those big properties where the dogs and kids and chickens can run everywhere.  We’ll have to get one of those gigantic country farmhouses with a billion bedrooms because if the kids are gonna be anything like you, they’ll all want their own rooms.”

There’s no protest so he continues.

“I heard you can do a lot with apples though. You eat them, juice them, dry them, make all sorts of stuff with them, including pie! I’m not completely crazy you know. It might be a fake dream but I did attempt some research to make it sound legit.”

“Anyways, it’d be really cool sitting on the back porch and watching the sun set over all the trees. It’ll probably be really quiet and so far away from the city that you could probably see all those galaxies that you’re obsessed with.”

He waits for a response but gets none.

“Hanbin?” When there’s only breathing on the other line, he knows that Hanbin fell asleep. “Well. That’s the dream anyway. Goodnight baby.”

                                                            *

The birds chirp gleefully outside his window but Hanbin wants to die.

Actually, he wants to kill his phone first then follow it straight into hell.

“What?!” He grumbles into the offending device.

“It’s 9am.” Jiwon’s voice comes through, slightly concerned. “You okay? You don’t have to-”

“No. I want to.” He insists, despite his head spinning and his body protesting loudly as he stretches in bed.

“Okay. See you soon.”

He’s hungover and so dizzy that takes him three attempts to open the toothpaste cap and even longer to differentiate the shampoo bottle from the conditioner. It’s a relief when he finally sits down on his couch and eats cinnamon toast cereal without the world spinning around him.

Jiwon knocks on his door at 10:03am. He wanted to tease him about the promptness but decides against it, partly because his brain wasn’t exactly back online yet but mainly because Jiwon looked so adorable standing in his doorway like a hopeful prom date.

“Sorry I fell asleep on you last night. Your voice does that.” He says as he settles into the (now very familiar) passenger’s seat.

“My voice puts you to sleep?” Jiwon teases.

“Yeah it does. It’s sedating….but in a good way.” He knows that he must sound completely spaced out right now and wonders if Jiwon will pick up on it.

“So you don’t remember anything I said?”

“No, I do. Something about apple orchards and friendzoning girls and having seven kids.”

Jiwon looks over with a cautious expression. “That’s it? You don’t remember the rest?”

He racks his brain but he can barely remember what he just had for breakfast. “No. Should I have? Was it something memorable?”

Jiwon shakes his head, oddly relieved. “No no, nothing major.” There’s a grin at the end of it before the Beast roars into life down the street.

He’s feeling more human by the time they walk through the doors of June’s tattoo shop.

“Ahh look, it’s dumb and dumber! Finally here to ruin my fucking day.” June says brightly from his position in the counter.

“You really need to work on your greetings.” Jiwon says.

“It’s part of my charm.” June winks before hopping off the counter. He hugs Jiwon despite the protests before coming over to pat Hanbin on the shoulder. “Hey Hanbin. How’ve you been? This kid giving you any grief?”

“Of course he is. It’s driving me crazy.” He says with a smile.

“Knew it!” June says loudly. “Return him to the store and get an upgrade! He’s literally 2000 and late- a completely useless and out of date model.”

“Shut up Grandpa!” Jiwon calls out from the back kitchen.

“Ahh everything feels normal again.” June sighs. “Hey! I need to show you something. I got a book on geometrical line tattoos. Thought you might like something in it.”

Hanbin’s oddly flattered by the thoughtfulness “Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks.”

A heavy book is thrust into his hands as they settle into their seats. He flips through the pages, breathing in the new book smell and mentally ticking off some designs he already likes.

Jiwon comes back out and hands him a cow print mug. “Black. No milk. No sugar.”

“Thanks.” He smiles over the rim of the mug, feeling lame and dopey.

“You’re welcome.” Jiwon smiles back.

June rolls his eyes between them. “And yet he forgets my birthday.”

Jiwon breaks the eye contact to scowl. “That was one time and you said I was forgiven when I got you the PS3.”

“Did I? That doesn’t seem like something I’d say at all.”

Jiwon groans. “Can we just get started? Instead of sitting around and arguing like always?”

“You’re right. We can work and continue to argue like always.” June says with a nod.

Hanbin settles in his chair as the ink gun buzzes into life. He sticks Post-It notes on the pages of the design book that interest him and feels his worries melt away. It was a weird combination really, the contrast between the sterile smell of alcohol disinfectant and the familiar herbal fragrance from the tea Jiwon made. It was almost as contradictory as the mechanical sound of the tattoo gun bouncing off the soothing peach coloured walls to accompany the Al Green song that June has playing over the speakers. It was mismatched and scrappy and strange but he loves it. It all reminds him of Jiwon in a way; how he was the perfect combination of hard industrial angles and soft warm smiles.

He is so deep inside his head that he completely misses the conversation happening in front of him.

“Right Hanbin?”

He looks up, dazed. “Huh?”

“Warren G is the better rapper but Dre is the better producer, right?”

“Bullshit.” June replies. “Dre is better at both.”

“They’re step-brothers.” He says absentmindedly.

“That’s so not answering the question.” June mutters.

He shakes the cobwebs from his fuzzy mind and starts again. “Well, Warren has a smoother technique if you’re only arguing about the west coast rap style. Dre is definitely better at producing though. Eminem wouldn’t be anywhere without Dre. So yeah, Warren might be the slightly better rapper but Dre’s definitely the better producer.”

They both stare at him before Jiwon looks across as June with a smug smile. “Told you so.”

June turns the ink gun back on. “Oh great, you’re gonna start arguing as a team now? I’m so excited about this new development.” He says blandly.

Jiwon gives him a wink, which wasn’t so much a wink as a co-ordinated blink with both eyes.

“Maybe Yun can come here and help you win all these arguments then?” Hanbin says as politely as he can.

Jiwon laughs loudly, trying not to move his arm but failing miserably.

June gives them both a withering look before turning the ink gun off again. “Okay. Very funny. You’re very funny over there Hanbin. But you just made your idiot boyfriend here move so one of the roses is now a bit crooked. Congratulations, you both played yourselves!”

Jiwon looks over at him with a grin. “Totally worth it.”

“Ahh, let’s take a break. Your ugly face is annoying and my back is kinda killing me today.” June announces, stretching in his chair before going outside with his cup of tea.

Hanbin wanders over and sits in June’s seat, peering at the bloody mess of lines on Jiwon’s forearm. “Sorry about the rose.”

“I’m not. You should’ve seen his face! It’s been ages since I’ve seen someone take a shot at his ego.”

Hanbin gives him a wry smile. “You want another cup of tea?”

“Yeah, thanks baby.”

It comes out so easily and casually but he still freezes like a deer in headlights, unsure what to do or say as the butterflies in his stomach zoom around like they’re all on acid.

“Sorry. It just came out.” Jiwon says quickly.

“It’s okay. No big deal.” He says in a strained voice before walking off into the kitchen to fill the kettle with shaky hands.

He’s standing at the bench waiting for the kettle to boil when he can hear Jiwon shuffling in behind him.

“You don’t like it. The name.” It was more a statement than a question.

Hanbin shakes his head but doesn’t turn around. “No, I like it. I’ve just never been called that before. It was just kinda weird, that’s all.”

He feels a breath against the back of his neck and the heat radiating off Jiwon’s body as he comes to stand behind him. “Is it cool enough for you?”

“No. It’s terrible.” He says, smiling to himself.

Two tattooed arms come to rest on either side of him, caging him in the middle. His heart races in anticipation as he stares at Richard Parker’s tail and the new crooked rose on Jiwon’s tanned skin.

“So you’re okay if I keep calling you that?”

“Yeah, it’s fine.”

“Okay…baby…”

The way it comes out sends a shiver all the way down his spine. There’s lips against his ear, it’s barely a touch but it makes him so giddy that he feels like he’s about to jump off a cliff or do something equally stupid.

And then he hears it again, in Jiwon’s deep rough growl, the one that’s gentle but demanding and playful but emphatically possessive.

“Baby…”

After that, Hanbin couldn’t stop himself from turning around even if he wanted to. He sees shiny half hooded eyes for a split second before Jiwon leans down and closes the small distance between them, his mouth fitting over Hanbin’s with a soft warm pressure.

Jiwon tastes like earl grey tea and cinnamon toast cereal and he kisses like he lives life: confident, curious, full of purpose and with no room for doubt.  

And messy.

If there’s one word to describe Jiwon, messy would be the first thing that comes to mind.

Hanbin is pressed against the bench as their kiss deepens, his lips already feeling swollen and there’s so much saliva between them that he can feel it across his jaw. His hands grabs the front of Jiwon’s t-shirt when he feels an insistent tongue trying to lick his mouth open, they both moan when he finally does.

But just as he’s trying to remember everything about the moment the kettle suddenly begins it’s high pitched and obnoxious beeping. It takes him by surprise, startling his eyes open and making him jump forward to twist his hands into the fabric of Jiwon’s tshirt so forcibly that he feels it stretching and protesting.

“Fuck that’s loud.” Jiwon remarks as he pulls away, slightly out of breath. He reaches over to turn the kettle off and starts laughing when he sees Hanbin’s stunned face. “You okay? Had another heart attack?”

Hanbin narrows his eyes and shoves at the solid chest in front of him. “Yes you jerk! Don’t pretend like it didn’t scare you too.”

“Maybe a little.” Jiwon murmurs before pulling him back against his chest. “Come back here. Kiss me again.”

Hanbin carefully grabs his right arm above the reddened tattooed area and leans back in. It’s just as hot and sweet and infuriatingly good as the first time. He’s tries to catalogue every happy sound Jiwon makes, the way he tastes and the hard wall of muscle underneath his soft worn-in t-shirt.

It’s then that the front door slams shut, followed by June’s sheepish, “Sorry, it’s just me! My bad!”

They reluctantly break for a second time, Jiwon frowning and groaning in frustration. “Why is the universe cock blocking me?” He mutters.

Hanbin colours at the choice of words. “I don’t know. Did you pay your taxes this year?”

“Yes! And now I’m being punished.” Jiwon whines, indignant.

They hear June shuffling around the main room so Hanbin smooths out the front of Jiwon’s tshirt and pushes him away.

“Go. I’ll bring out the tea. I don’t want him asking about this. You know he’s gonna tease you all day.”

“Hey by the way, if he ever hears you calling me bunnyteeth, he’ll never take me seriously again.”

Hanbin gives him a smile as he reaches up to wipe at Jiwon’s lower lip with his thumb. “He never took you seriously to begin with. Now go, bunnyteeth.”

Jiwon leans in to give him one last kiss in his cheek. “Okay, baby.”

He gives Hanbin a dopey smile as he backs out of the kitchen. Hanbin shakes his head but does nothing to stop his own dopey smile from forming.

It takes him twice as long to make the tea this time. He has to stop and replay what just happened, occasionally touching his lips to see if he can still feel anything on them.

He pours the tea carefully and tries to keep his face neutral when he brings it out to the main room, sneaking looks at Jiwon’s face when he and June are both peering down at the inky roses and discussing the best way to fix the crooked lines (Jiwon asks that they stay crooked).

Before he can stop himself, he lets out a sigh that’s way too loud and causes both guys to look over.

“What was that for? We keeping you up?” June asks. “You need colouring books over there?”

He scoffs. “Is that what Yun does when you’re annoying him?”

June gives him sullen look before turning to Jiwon, “Can you get a new boyfriend? This one is too salty.”

“Nope, sorry bro. I’m keeping him forever.” Jiwon laughs happily and gives him another wink. Stupidly enough, right in the middle of all his thoughts, the only thing Hanbin can think about is the fact that Jiwon still can’t wink properly.

Oh well. He wants to stay forever and wonky winks are only a small price to pay.

Chapter Text

2 weeks later.

Hanbin taps his fingers to a directionless rhythm on the surface of his table. He’s written two paragraphs, both terrible, on a topic he wishes someone else got. Sometimes he loves his job but sometimes he wonders if he was just wasting his time writing articles he barely cares about.

“Are you planning on branching out into EDM? Dub-step? Big beat?” Donghyuk asks wearily from behind his laptop.

“Huh?”

“Oh I assume that’s what the tapping is about? Because surely you can’t be doing that just to annoy me, right?”

He retracts his finger back into his fist. “Sorry. This article just really isn’t working.”

Donghyuk sighs and looks at the clock on the wall before taking his glasses off to rub his eyes. “I’d help you but mine isn’t really working either. Business Week is so boring to write about. It’s nearly 3 though, why don’t you make yourself useful and do the caffeine run?”

“Yeah okay. Do you want the same thing again?”

“No, we’re stuck in a rut. I feel like something different today. Surprise me. Might not be such a bad idea for you to try something new as well?”

Hanbin rolls his eyes as he passes Donghyuk’s desk on the way out, “Yes, Dad.”

The temperature in their office is always set at a crisp 22 degrees (to prevent cozy unproductive lethargy) but outside is a warm and sunny 30 degrees. It’d be stifling if there wasn’t a light breeze through his thin summer shirt and it’d be even more unbearable if Jiwon hadn’t sent his obligatory text at 7am that morning.

[hey, fyi its gonna be really hot 2day. SHORTS WEATHER!!! have a good day at work, call me later xxJ]

He chuckles to himself thinking of how many pairs of shorts Jiwon must own by now (probably a few pairs shy of 100). It gets him thinking about Jiwon’s wardrobe, then his room, then his apartment…

…the one that Hanbin has never even been to.

Was it weird? It must be weird. They’ve never even seen the inside of each other’s apartments. Or hugged since that day at June’s. Or even had a proper date by themselves. Or kissed again.

It was weird.

It was backwards.

He frowns as he passes the bookshop where there’s a poster for the new book by Haruki Murakami, no doubt about another tragically beautifully relationship that will have him turning the pages well into the dawn and wondering why his own life wasn’t as poetic or why he couldn’t write as well or why he just can’t be like everyone else.

Stop it Hanbin.

Stop it.

He wills himself to stop mourning about normalcy or wanting to join the conveyer belt of society-approved romantics when he knows that the thing he has with Jiwon is totally and utterly not normal.

He’s feeling better by the time he’s reached the familiar corner cafe. It welcomes him in with its comforting smell of sweet chocolate, happy yellow almond cakes, floral herbal teas and life-affirming coffee. Maybe that’s why everyone who works there looks like they’ve got a permanent IV drip to the fountain of youth and all the customers come in looking like fading zombies.

He waits for his order by the window, getting lost in watching life walk up and down the street; there was an old man trying to courier a giant painting on his bike, a teenage punk with about fifteen piercings on his face and a young couple trying to corral their three tiny children in line for ice-cream.

But inevitably, as with most of his thought processes lately, he ends up thinking about Jiwon and what he’d be doing at the garage right at that moment. It’s pervasive, just like his negative thoughts, but instead of drowning in anxiety, anything Jiwon-flavoured fills him with security and optimism. He’s trying to adjust but the change still constantly surprises him (in a good way). No matter how wild and convoluted his thoughts become or how far they stray off course, Jiwon is always there in his mind, like a lighthouse at sea or a magnet that drags him back to North.

On a whim, Hanbin takes his phone out of his pocket.

[hey, do you want to have dinner together tonight?]

He’s walking back to the office when he gets a reply.

[do we have to cook it?]

[no, hospitals dates aren’t fun]

[then yes, lol. sorry really swamped right now, call you later]

[ok bunnyteeth, xxh]

[xxj]

It’s 5:30pm and the sun is beginning to ride low in the sky, casting a golden-peach haze over the city. Jiwon is waiting across the street from his office but instead of walking towards the car, Hanbin feels like he’s walking straight into a John Hughes high school movie.

Jiwon is leaning casually against the driver’s side door, scrolling and smiling at something on his phone. He’s wearing that soft worn-in white t-shirt that Hanbin likes (and has put on his To Steal One Day list), the sleeves are rolled up high to reveal more of the smooth tanned skin of his arms, each ridge and muscle defined every time the sun hits at the right angle. His hair is getting longer now, falling and tickling his eyes until he looks up to shake it away.

It’s then that their eyes meet across the street.

And Hanbin feels 15 years old again. He’s taken back to the exact moment when he first locked eyes with the American exchange student who transferred to his school and awoke everything that had been lying dormant in his mind for 15 years.

He swallows thickly and tries to calm down the intensity of his emotions but the way his stomach still drops, even after all this time, the way his smile is automatic in Jiwon’s presence, the way he can’t remember anything terrible for those few seconds, the way everything was so obvious, even if neither of them said it out loud….

This must be his Murakami moment.

Stop it, Hanbin.

Stop romanticising everything.

He’s just a person.

He’s just a person.

He’s honestly surprised he doesn’t get run over while trying to cross the road because did he even look both ways? He doesn’t remember.

“Hey.” Jiwon’s smile is bright and toothy, it says absolutely everything about him.

“Hey.” He says, wondering frantically if they should hug or kiss or handshake or high five now.

“Good day at work?”

“Not really, I couldn’t write anything decent.” He sighs.

“Oh that sucks.” Jiwon says as he pushes himself off the car and comes around to open the passenger’s side door. “What’s your topic this week?”

Hanbin just stares at the gesture as Jiwon walks away to open his own door. “Oh ummm, the the rise of mid-twenties CEOs and the growth of independent businesses.”

When they’re both buckled in, Jiwon wakes the Beast up with that brutal growl that always shoots straight to the primitive corner of Hanbin’s brain and gets his adrenaline going.

“Hey, why don’t you talk to June or Yun? They’ve got their own business and have a lot of friends like that. Might help you get some ideas?”

Hanbin pauses. Why didn’t he think of that?

“Why didn’t I think of that? Ugh, where were you eight hours ago?” He groans.

Jiwon gives him a proud smile that makes him look 10 years old. “Underneath the most beautiful girl in the world.”

“Wait, what?” Hanbin’s eyes widen in surprise and his voice is annoyingly high-pitched.

“Someone dropped off a 1961 California Spyder at the garage today.” Comes the cheeky reply and Hanbin grumbles with fake irritation, reaching over to punch Jiwon on the arm, leaving the other cackling and pretending that it hurts.

“You’re a jerk.” He says, trying to keep the relief out of his voice but obviously failing because he knows when he’s been busted. “Anyway, have all the car affairs you want. I think I’m going to just call you next time I get writer’s block though.”

Jiwon shifts the BMW into reverse, arm coming to rest behind Hanbin’s seat as he backs out onto the street, the movement causing just the faintest ghost of that familiar woodsy cologne to float between them. “So am I your new personal consultant?”

“Yes.”

“What’s the pay like?”

“Terrible. Virtually zero dollars.”

“God, how cheap are you?!” Jiwon teases as they stop at a red light, he fiddles with the buttons to the sound system before settling on something familiar. “You couldn’t afford me anyway.”

“Oh really. What’s your going rate these days?”

“One million dollars,” Jiwon replies smugly before looking across with that arrogant smirk that Hanbin finds annoyingly attractive. “Or….like, 20 hugs.”

Hanbin gives him an amused scoff. “Only 20? Deal.”

“No, I changed my mind. I want 40.”

“Oh 40? Then, no. No deal.”

Jiwon laughs loudly. “Fine. I’ll just keep all these good ideas to myself.”

“You are such a loser. It’s all your fault for being so distracting when I’m trying to work.”

“Hey, don’t blame me! In case you forgot, you agreed to date me so really, who is the bigger loser here?” Jiwon says. “And besides, if you blame me for anything, you’re kinda half blaming yourself. That’s the way things work now.”

Hanbin opens his mouth but ends up saying nothing.

Jiwon looks over with a quirk of his eyebrow. “What?”

“I’m stealing that to use in a future article.”

“Okay, I’ll put it on your tab. You owe me one million dollars and 40 hugs.”

“This is turning out to be a costly relationship.” He says with an exaggerated frown that really just wants to be a smile.

“Yeah suck it up, buddy.” Jiwon laughs. “Anyways, since you’re so poor, I’ll get dinner tonight. What do you feel like?”

“Italian?”

“You want to go eat out or…” Jiwon trails off, an uncertain expression on his angular face.

“I don’t really want to sit in a restaurant.” Hanbin says, trying to be brave for once but looking out the window the entire time. “Can we just get take-out? We could come back and eat it at my apartment.”

“Oh.” Jiwon says, eyebrows raised in surprise.

“Only if you want to.” He adds quickly, heart jumping right into his throat as he dares to flick his eyes up in curiosity.

Jiwon is just smiling at him. “Yeah, yeah I do.”

“Cool. I want pasta then.” He says in relief but still completely avoiding Jiwon’s eyes again out of embarrassment. “And something with bacon.”

“Okay, baby. Whatever you want.”

It’s just one word but it still causes the butterflies in his stomach to crash into each other like a fleet of kamikaze bombers. He wonders when the thrill will wear off and hopes that the answer is: never.

After finding the Italian restaurant, they sit in the parking lot listening to the rest of a 2Pac album while waiting for their order. It’s exactly where Hanbin loves to be on a warm evening: in the passengers seat, watching Jiwon sit at the wheel, casually rapping along to old hip-hop and in the process, killing him very very slowly.

“You’re really good.” He says.

“At what? Like, in general?”

He rolls his eyes. “At rapping. You’re so good at it. Do you ever want to get back to it? Do it seriously?”

Jiwon scrunches up his face like Hanbin just reminded him of something painful. “Yeah but something always comes up, you know?”

Neglected dreams are something Hanbin knows all about.

“Yeah I do actually. I’ve been wanting to write my book for awhile but it’s never gone beyond a passing hobby. Work kinda gets in the way. Or life does.”

“You should just write it.” Jiwon replies simply.

“And you should just rap.” He shoots back.

Jiwon lets out a quiet sigh as he plays with the door handle. “I need practice. The other guys would kick my ass if I turned up to battles like this. I want to go back though. One day.”

“So why don’t you? You could probably kick all their asses.”

Jiwon chuckles. “Have you even heard the other guys?”

Hanbin looks over shrugging. “Is that even relevant? It doesn’t make you any less good.”

“You rate me way too highly.” Jiwon says but even as the words come out he’s reaching across to run his fingers through Hanbin’s hair. “And you’re not exactly objective. Would you tell me if I was shit?”

“Of course I would! What do you take me for? Not like I’m blinded by-”

Oh no.

Shut up Hanbin.

He talked himself into a corner again.

Panic starts to set in but strangely enough, it doesn’t fully take hold because Jiwon doesn’t even tease or ask him about it, he just softly raps along to the music and continues playing with Hanbin’s hair until they get called in to pick up their order.

The good thing about anxiety is that all it takes for you to stop worrying about one thing is to become so distracted with another until there’s just a neat orderly ranking system. He likes systems. The order calms his mind. He was so busy being stressed about saying the wrong thing in the car that he totally ran out of time to worry about Jiwon seeing his apartment.

“Okay, so, come in. It’s a bit messy.” He says nervously as he pushes his door open and hastily tidies the stack of unread catalogues by the entrance.

Jiwon wanders in gingerly, looking around and chuckling inwardly at the distinct lack of mess anywhere. “I was here two weeks ago. Remember?”

“You were only in my doorway. Don’t judge the rest of it.” He says as he toes off his Nikes and jams his feet into old Snoopy slippers. “The kitchen is through there.”

“I’m not gonna judge it!” Jiwon shouts as he pads into the kitchen, placing the plastic bag of food on the small wooden table before turning around to survey the neat space. “God. It looks like an accident happened in here. How can you even live like this!!?”

Hanbin knows it’s just teasing but he goes red anyway. “I bet your place is worse!” He fires back.

Jiwon shrugs and grins. “I don’t know, want to come over next week?”

“Next week?”

“Yeah I’m gonna need the entire week to clean it.”

He kicks at Jiwon’s shin, the Snoopy slippers cushioning most of the blow and completely defeating the purpose. “Loser.”

“Stop being rude to your guest.” Jiwon scolds mockingly before pointing to the cupboards. “So where do you keep your plates and stuff?”

He gives a brief tour of his kitchen, from the over processed pantry to his collection of cartoon mugs, pointedly ignoring the sniggers when Jiwon finds all his new plates and cutlery still in their boxes. “Have many people over, Hanbin?”

“Only you and the Queen.” He snaps.

They sit and eat at his small dining table, talking about which one of them should learn to how to cook (both), which one is neater (definitely Hanbin), which one is better at fixing things (definitely Jiwon) and which one would be more likely to become a millionaire before the age of 30 (definitely neither).

It’s only when they’re standing at his sink to do the dishes that the occasion catches up with Hanbin.

Jiwon was in his apartment.

They just had dinner together.

He didn’t have an aneurysm from the stress.

What would Murakami write about this?

“Hanbin?”Jiwon is holding a wet dish out for him to dry. “In your head again?”

He takes the plate and nods. “I’m just thinking.”

“Anything you want to tell me about?”

“I was just thinking of the rap thing again. You’re so good Jiwon. It’d be such a waste if you didn’t just go for it. I’m sure you’re awesome at the garage because you’re good with your hands and I promise I’ll still like you no matter what you end up doing but honestly, you should really think about the rap thing again.” He doesn’t know why he always sounds so flighty and high-pitched when he rambles.

Jiwon gives him that one unreadable look that Hanbin had never been able to decipher. He has no idea what it means. It’s the one with the small smile, slight nod and slow blinks. What the hell does that one mean?

“I’ll think about it okay?”

“Yeah you should.”

“Hey, let’s make a pact.”

Hanbin gives him a condescending look. “Are you 12 years old? Are we at summer camp? Where are the friends-forever bracelets?”

Jiwon flicks water at him. “No listen, let’s both do it together. You start your book and I’ll do this rap thing. Give ourselves like a year? If it doesn’t go anywhere at least we can say we tried?”

“Seriously?” He asks skeptically.

“Seriously.” Jiwon nods and reaches over to dry his hands on the tea towel Hanbin is still holding. “That way we’ll both be annoying at the same time.”

“And stressed at the same time.”

“But maybe happy and successful at the same time?”

He shakes his head. “You haven’t thought this through. We’re going to need a plan. We should really make a plan. I have planning paper.” He says, trying to be helpful.

Jiwon takes the tea towel from his hands, throwing it on the bench before pulling at his shirt. “Come here.”

He has a fleeting thought about gravity before silencing his brain and sinking into Jiwon’s arms.

Oh.

Finally.

Their first proper hug.

He all but melts into it like gooey chocolate, savouring how reassuringly solid Jiwon’s body is underneath his soft cotton t-shirt and the slow sigh he lets out when Hanbin winds his arms around his back. Above all, he savours how truly safe and secure he feels in this completely ordinary and mundane moment. Jiwon is just comforting. Or comfortable. Or both. He is the mash-potato-warm-blanket-kind of comfortable and Hanbin doesn’t want to let go.

“I love that you have planning paper.”

“Surprised?” He mumbles into Jiwon’s t-shirt.

He feels a kiss on the top of his head and fingers brushing through his hair. “No baby, I’m not.”

Chapter Text

Some time between the dinners in Hanbin’s apartment, late night phone calls and text conversations about writer’s block and car engines, Jiwon realises he just knows things about Hanbin now. Random but important and specific things that weave and intertwine to tell a story about a boy, like how a bird will collect seemingly disconnected things to build a nest.

He never set out to get this deep.

It’s June who gets him thinking about it during a Saturday morning Metal Gear Solid marathon.

“So how’s things with your hot boyfriend?”

He grimaces as they pause the game for a lunch break. “Can you not call him that?”

June throws down the controller and rolls his eyes. “Geez. Okay. So how are things with that ugly guy you vaguely know?”

“We’re fine.”

“I knew you were going to say that.” June laughs as they get up from the couch and pad to the kitchen to eat the rice and noodles Yun had made before he left to visit his sister that morning. “Must be getting serious when you start pretending like you have nothing to say.”

He helps set the table and thinks on June’s words for a long time before replying. “It’s not that. I just…I don’t know if he’d want me to tell everyone about it. He likes things the way they are right now. Shit. I shouldn’t have even told you that.”

“I won’t tell the police.” June snickers. “You guys not spending the weekend together?”

He shakes his head. “Nah, he has to take his sister to her dance competitions and stuff. I wanted to come but I got the feeling he wasn’t ready for that kind of thing. I think it’s good for him to have breaks from me. He won’t say it or anything sometimes you can tell he needs it.”

June gives him a curious look. “Oh really?”

“What?”

June just shakes his head and chuckles, almost in sympathy. “Nothing, nothing. You finally figured out how to read him properly huh?”

They sit facing each other and he watches as June starts eating, remnants of the amused expression still on his face. “I figured out some things. Not everything.” He shrugs and picks up his chopsticks. It’d probably take him 8 lifetimes to figure out everything about Hanbin.

“How’s his book going?”

“He told you about it?” He asks in surprise, trying to keep the disappointment out of his voice. “I didn’t know he was telling other people.”

“Relax Frank Farmer. He’s not spilling all your secrets. It just accidentally came out a few weeks ago when he was calling me and Yun for help with that business article.”

“Ah, okay.” He laughs it off, trying to be casual and ignoring June’s knowing look. “I don’t really know how it’s going to be honest. He said he’ll let me read it when I win a mic night.”

June snorts. “When you win one? Not ‘if’ you win one? He’s optimistic.”

It’s Jiwon’s turn to laugh at that. Hanbin is one of the most pessimistic people he’s ever met. “He probably meant ‘if’.”

“Personally, I find his faith in you disturbing. I told him to go get his vision and hearing checked. Anyways, you’ve been meaning to get back into the rap thing for ages, why’d you decide to do it now? Is it because of him?”

A smile spreads across his face, involuntarily and completely out of his control, as they tend to do now whenever someone mentions Hanbin.

“I don’t know. I just told him to start writing his book and he did. He told me to get back into rap. So I did. That’s it.” He shrugs, not wanting June to ask him any more questions. He feels like he’s said too much already, betrayed Hanbin and their low-key relationship in some way or accidentally left the door open for someone else to walk into their private World.

June pauses in contemplation mid-chew. He’s known June for so long that he can almost see the speech on the tip of his tongue. Strangely enough, it never comes.

All June says is, “Wow.”

“What’s wow?”

“You guys are fucking disgusting. Take your perfect young romance somewhere else. I’m trying to eat here.”

Okay, so he wasn’t being completely honest before. Despite all of June’s pointed looks and leading questions, he didn’t really put much stock into how well he and Hanbin knew each other. It only really hits him two weeks later when Hanbin comes over for dinner after work, arms laden with food and a laptop.

“I got a lasagne. You still want that right? You said you hadn’t had one in ages.”

He nods, taking the box of food from Hanbin and following him into the small kitchen. The first thing he notices is the distinct lack of commercial packaging. The second thing he notices is the Mickey Mouse tupperware container. He’s not entirely sure why it shocks him but it does.

“Hey. Did you make…all this?” He asks hesitantly, gesturing to the box.

Hanbin is already crouching down to turn on the oven. “Uh-huh.”

“No offence but since when did you cook?”

Hanbin stands and grins. “Don’t trust me? Think it’s poisoned?”

He shakes his head furiously. “What? No no no. That’s not how I meant it! I’m just surprised.”

“Yeah, you’re always surprised. One day you’re going to realise that I can actually do a lot of things.”

“I know you can! I’m just surprised. Can’t a guy just be surprised? Don’t I ever surprise you?”

Hanbin laughs, bending down to put the dish of lasagne into the oven. “Only sometimes.”

He stares at Hanbin’s face. This is the part he hasn’t figured out yet; when Hanbin’s replies are so short that he can’t tell if they’re complimentary or insulting. “Only sometimes?”

“You did a lot in the beginning but I don’t know if I’d call anything a surprise now. When you do things…it just makes sense for you to be good at them.” Hanbin says, smirky face now replaced with a more sheepish expression.

He’s not sure how to respond to that so he’s relieved when Hanbin turns around to start putting the other food containers into his fridge. There’s something so domestic and natural about the action that it makes his stomach drop.

How can he ever get used to this?

“Okay, so dinner will probably take about 30 minutes. I really need to edit my article, it’s due in 2 days.” Hanbin says, picking up his laptop and sitting down at the dining table like he didn’t just cause Jiwon’s brain to temporarily freeze.

“Okay.” He replies distractedly, still stuck in the brain fog. He manages to sit down at the table eventually, drumming his fingers and feeling weirdly unsettled, even though he was in his own apartment.

“Hey?” Hanbin says from behind the laptop screen.

“Yeah?”

“That’s really annoying.”

“Sorry.” He gets up and wanders out of the kitchen. He can hear Hanbin laughing and calling out after him.

“Oh my god, you don’t have to leave!”

He’s not upset but he does need some time to chill out and get his brain back online. Collapsing on his bed, he stares at the ceiling and marvels at everything happening to him right now. A few months ago Hanbin wasn’t even in his life. A few weeks ago he found himself wondering if they’d ever see the insides of each other’s apartments. A few minutes ago, well….he might’ve started believing in some impossible things.

****

Hanbin watches as Jiwon sulks his way out of the kitchen.

“Oh my god, you don’t have to leave!” He says with a laugh. Despite his work deadlines he was feeling light and optimistic. 

He barely recognises himself. He doesn’t know the person who has made all these new decisions on his behalf. Coming over to Jiwon’s apartment on a Wednesday was a stupid stupid idea. He has to edit his entire article in 2 days because the research had taken up so much of his time. Old-Hanbin would be on the couch in yesterday’s sweatpants, eating instant noodles or take-away, tearing his hair out in stress as his eyes go blind from staring at the laptop screen for too long.

New-Hanbin was sitting at Jiwon’s dining table, in Jiwon’s apartment, waiting for the lasagne he made to finish baking in the oven. He’s still stressed (because when was he not?) but its sharp edge was getting more blunt now that there was another person to share it with.

No. He really doesn’t recognise this new version of himself at all.

Shaking his head, he refocuses back on his article. There’s peaceful silence in the apartment and he manages to get through a large section of editing. The oven fan is strangely comforting as it hums in the background. Or maybe it was just because he was in Jiwon’s apartment and everything here was comforting.

He’s on page three when he hears Jiwon shuffling back into the kitchen to hover over his shoulder. For a few seconds his paranoia and anxiety take over, causing his heart rate to spike as he looks nervously behind him, feeling exposed and vulnerable.

“You okay?”

“Can I show you something?”

“Yeah, hang on a sec.” He presses save and puts the laptop into sleep mode. “Okay, what is it?”

A small flyer gets put down on the table, just a plain black page with white writing. He leans over to read it.

MOBSCENE MIC NIGHT. 8pm September 5th. 

“What exactly is this?” He looks up at Jiwon in confusion. “Something you want to go to?”

“Something I’m in actually.”

His eyes widen and he turns around in the chair so they’re facing each other. “Seriously?! You’re going to compete in this thing?!”

Jiwon smiles but shrugs. It’s been awhile since Hanbin figured out that the action means he’s excited or proud but trying keep his cool.

He kneels on his chair and pulls Jiwon in for a hug. “I hope you destroy everybody.”

He feels Jiwon’s laugh against his chest more than he hears it. “The other guys are pretty good. I just heard that Mino was going. He’s been wining everything lately.”

“So what? You’re better.” He says against Jiwon’s neck.

Strong arms tighten around him. “We’ll see. I haven’t gone up against him in awhile. We used to run with the same crew in Uni.”

“So you know all his weaknesses. Makes it more easy to take him out.”

There’s another laugh against his chest and a quick kiss on his right cheek. “We’re talking about a Battle of Rap, not a Battle Royale.”

He shrugs. “Same difference. The last guy standing should be you.”

It’s then that Jiwon pulls away slightly to look at him nervously. “Do you want to come? You don’t have to if you’re busy or whatever. June and Yo will be there too. So it won’t be all weird if you’re still worried about people seeing us together and-what? Why are you looking at me like that?”

He’s not entirely sure what his face looks like but he knows exactly what his heart looks like.

“I’ll be there.”

He’s feeling brave so he leans forward to press their lips together. When he pulls away there’s another wide-eye-look of surprise on Jiwon’s face again. He loves that he can still do that to him.

“And um, I think I’m okay if people see us together.” He starts shakily, heart hammering inside his chest and eyes fixed on Jiwon’s earrings instead of his face. “I mean, not all crazy or anything but I think that I’m ready for a few new things. Not everything…..just a few more things.”

He buries his face into Jiwon’s neck, mainly to hide the annoying blush that he can never seem to avoid in these situations.

“Okay.”

It’s all Jiwon says but Hanbin doesn’t mind. He finds himself cocooned in another soft hug and he can feel one hand squeezing the back of his neck, as if to tap out some kind of Jiwon Morse Code.

They don’t need to say anything else to each other. Who needs regular words when you’ve got your own language?

Chapter Text

1930pm, September 5th

The club is hot and smells like last night’s dry ice and spilled beer. Every dim corner is filled with trendy young people wearing flashes on ink on their skin and baring sharp teeth under their smiles. They stand in groups, laughing loudly and talking about things that Hanbin doesn’t really understand.

He feels like an outsider. This isn’t his scene. This is Jiwon’s scene and Jiwon’s people. Despite the sinking feeling in his stomach, he promises to make an effort tonight.

Yun squeezes his shoulder firmly and in a manner than Hanbin can only assume is meant to be comforting but was kind of painful.

“You okay?”

He nods as his stomach flip-flops around.

June chuckles. “First time seeing him perform like this huh?”

“Yeah.”

“He’s terrible. Such an amateur. Don’t expect anything spectacular because he’s just going to disappoint you.” 

Yun snorts quietly beside him and Hanbin can tell that Jiwon’s friends have a own language of their own too. If there was such a thing as a Silent-High-Five, they have definitely mastered it.

“You must be so used to that now anyway.” Yun says with another sympathetic pat on his back.

Despite his nerves, he ends up laughing and following them to the bar for a few drinks. His relationship with alcohol is unpredictable at best and disastrous at worst. As long as he sticks to clear liquor and doesn’t have a panic attack in the middle of it, everything will be okay.

Hopefully.

At five to eight, the lights dim and the stage is lit up with bright spotlights. The talking becomes a muted hum and when the MC steps out onto the stage there’s a round of applause and cheers.

He swallows the last of his lime gin and just lets the nerves wash over him. He’s long accepted the fact that he just has to live with anxiety for the rest of his life, even when it’s the good-kind-of-anxiety, like it is tonight. He never expected for it to magically disappear and truthfully, the older he gets, the easier it is to own that dark part of himself. Without all his problems, he’d be a different person and who knows if that person would have ever met Jiwon.

So no, he wouldn’t ever want to change anything. It wasn’t worth the risk.

He also never really expected to inherit Yun and June along the way either but here they were, standing on either side of him like human barriers and making enough jokes to keep him distracted from the chaotic thoughts in his head.

But then the show starts.

The first rapper is a baby-faced kid, still shy and so stilted on stage that they could all see how inexperienced he was. Hanbin can spot those guys a mile away (it takes one to know one). He watches the kid deliver a brilliant rhyme before forgetting the rest of his lyrics in the next breath. Still, the kid has guts to get up there and swing at the ball with the other more seasoned rappers. Hanbin silently wishes him all the luck in the world.  

The next three rappers are loud but forgettable. All posturing and gesturing but no actual skill. The catchphrases and moves probably ripped straight from a recent american hip-hop video. He judges the obnoxious trio in his head but June has no problem heckling them out loud.

Then it’s the one they call Mino.

He could tell by the sudden burst of cheering and yelling coming from the crowd. Mino turns out to be good, a little too good, and definitely miles better than everyone before him.

Where Jiwon can sound rough and ragged, Mino was smooth and controlled, with thoughtful lyrical content that somehow makes sense in a hot crowded club. Hanbin will dislike him out of loyalty to Jiwon but it’s hard to deny real talent when you see it, even when you’re too busy frowning at it leaving the stage.

So busy in fact that he almost misses the MC announcing the next rapper. Some guy called Bobby.

It goes without saying that he really doesn’t like surprises. He doesn’t like not knowing what’s coming and not having enough time to mentally prepare for it. So when he sees the familiar tiger tattoo and flash of dirty blonde hair, the shock completely disorientates him.

“The return of the prodigal son!” The MC shouts with glee.

Yun and June nudge at his shoulder and the crowd around them is as loud for Bobby as they were for Mino.

He feels like he’s standing still in the middle of a storm. So many thoughts flood his head in that moment: Just how deep did Jiwon get into rap?  Why is he called Bobby? Why do so many people already know him? If he was so popular, why did he leave? If he was so popular, what is he doing with Hanbin?

The pessimism eats away at his edges, like the way fire slowly burns a piece of paper.

The Jiwon that steps out of the shadows and onto the stage is not his Jiwon. It’s some alternate version: all raw energy and live wires sparking in a sweaty electric body-an unstoppable force coming to pull him out of his dark mind. 

He wishes he could remember every detail that follows but when the beat drops, he can’t think of a single thing.

There comes a day in your life when you wanna kick back
Straw hat on the porch when you old perhaps
Wanna gather your thoughts, have a cold one
Brag, to your grandkids about how life is golden
So I will light a cigar in the corridor of the crib
Pictures on the wall of all the things that I did

When was the last time you heard a real anthem
Bobby, the millionaire, the mansion
When was the last time you heard your boy B rhyme
Never on schedule, but always on time

-Nas

He’s jostled side to side, back and forth, but like everyone else in the room his eyes never leave Jiwon’s face. He hears the mistakes, the missed beats, the slurred words to cover up the flaws and he watches, with some kind of soft envy, the way Jiwon just casually shrugs and pokes his tongue out when he knows he’s messed up. 

Nobody seems to care about the mistakes anyway. The energy and occasion more than making up for the lack of professionalism and flow that Mino had. It was so typical of Jiwon; owning his flaws unashamedly, turning mistakes into a funny trademark and making the most of an unfortunate situation. 

The audience is so loud and he can hear the most abrasive of laughs bouncing off the walls. When his 3 minutes is up, Hanbin watches Jiwon jump into the crowd to high-five and shoulder-hug everyone who wants one.  

The center of attention. It’s where Jiwon truly belongs. 

Just as Hanbin is feeling out of place again, just as he thinks about leaving, he sees Jiwon pausing at the edge of the stage, eyes focused as they scan and search through the crowd. The twist in his stomach surprises him. 

He’s looking for me.

When their eyes finally meet, the lopsided wink and toothy smile that breaks across Jiwon’s face makes him want to burst into a ball of fire and forget about ever doubting any of this. 

This is his Jiwon and he is so proud of him.

Maybe it’s that thought, and the sheer relief of knowing that Jiwon hasn’t forgotten about him, that drives him forward and headfirst into the crowd of loud strangers. His parents might never accept them being together but right in that moment, he’s too drunk on alcohol, rebellion and rap to care. 

He doesn’t make it far before a familiar hand closes over his right wrist and leads him to the side of the stage that’s obscured by curtains.

“Looking for someone?” 

“Yeah, have you seen Bobby?”

“No, he’s left the building.”

“Has he? I guess I’ll settle for you instead.”

Jiwon pulls him closer until he can smell the sweat and coconut shampoo. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

“So….what did you think?”

There’s just enough light filtering through the thin black curtains to illuminate shiny eyes, crooked bunny teeth and the sharp angle of cheekbones. 

“I think….you’re the only one who can make a mistake and still probably win.”

Jiwon laughs. “Don’t think the judges will be as forgiving as you.”

“What’s the prize?” He asks, fingers itching do something.

“Money, women, power. The usual.”

“Oh, is that all?”

“Yeah. You got a better prize for me baby?” Maybe Jiwon had meant it light-heartedly but the way it actually comes out, in that rough ragged voice, just makes him want to do something reckless and crazy. 

In his peripheral vision he can see the other rappers and their girlfriends hovering around the drinks table and there are more than a few curious stares thrown in their direction. Despite the alarms going off in his head and his anxiety warning him to hold him back, he lets himself get pulled into the gravitational field between them. He doesn’t wait for Jiwon to stop talking, just reaches up to grab the back of his neck and drag him down for a kiss, open-mouthed and mid sentence. 

It doesn’t last long but it’s hard, hungry and full of desperation, invitation and promise.

He can’t read Jiwon’s reaction clearly enough but he feels the thick questioning silence between them and he can see those shiny eyes wide in surprise. He finds more of his courage in the darkness and doesn’t let it go to waste.

“You want that? That’s your prize.” He murmurs quietly, hoping it comes out more confident than he actually feels saying it. 

“Wait….what…what do you mean?” Jiwon stammers and steps back to put distance between them, like Hanbin was suddenly a fire that was burning his hands.

They just stare at each other after that. Neither really knowing what to say. 

“AND NOW, THE RUNNER-UP. WELCOME HIM BACK: IT’S BOBBY!” The MC’s voice cuts through the dark silence and they both turn towards the curtain, briefly disorientated before remembering where they are and what was happening in the real world outside of their private bubble. 

Some of the rappers yell out their congratulations from across the room but nobody is brave enough to come near them. When he looks down, his fingers are twisted in Jiwon’s t-shirt and there’s a calloused hand resting on his back. He knows what they must look like, even in the dim lighting. Well, he wouldn’t be brave enough to approach them either. 

The MC announces Bobby’s name again and makes a joke about him disappearing before he’s even made a proper comeback. 

He shakes Jiwon’s shoulders gently. “Hey, you okay? They’re calling for you out there.”

Jiwon is still in a daze, murmuring and muttering, seemingly to himself. “Yeah….but you just….”

He leans in to press his lips against an impossibly sharp jawline before pushing Jiwon towards the stage. “You have to go out there. They’re calling for you. I’ll see you afterwards, okay?”

“Uh…okay.” 

He watches as Jiwon stumbles past the curtains onto the stage, almost tripping over his shoe laces and headbutting a laughing Mino. Bobby really did leave the building. This was all 100% his Jiwon. 

June and Yun take them out for a celebratory dinner after it all ends, probably so they could tease them relentlessly. 

“I love you man but shit, you looked so dumb getting back on-stage.” June shakes his head with an amused chuckle. “What the hell was wrong with you? Did you smoke something backstage?” 

Jiwon blushes pink, something so rare than June mutters a quiet ‘oh my god’ under his breath and Yun puts down his chopsticks to shoot them an accusatory glare.

“Okay. What did you do?” 

“Nothing!” They both say in unison.

He watches as Jiwon laughs and argues with his friends, perfectly content to just be there, not minding at all that he’s not a part of the conversation.

He takes a sip of water but just as his glass hits the table there’s a hand sliding down his right thigh. He tenses on reflex and slowly looks across in Jiwon’s direction but he’s still arguing with June.

There’s a tight squeeze that makes him squirm and when the hand creeps its way higher and higher, he’s holding his breath, frozen in his chair and probably looking as white as a ghost. 

June notices but doesn’t say anything. Sometimes he loves Jiwon’s friends. 

It goes on throughout the entire meal, stealthily and sneakily, like a really nice form of torture. It’s a relief when it finally ends and they are hugging June and Yun goodnight. He waits until they start walking towards the train station before punching Jiwon on the arm. 

“OW! What was that for?!” Jiwon cries out, rubbing his arm like it even remotely hurts. 

“You’re an evil jerk, you know that?” He replies coldly.

And Jiwon, with his bright happy face, just shrugs and gives him that childish toothy smile because they both know exactly what he did.

He rolls his eyes, pretends to be pissed off because it’s not fair that Jiwon can get away with everything. 

“Aww, come on. Nobody saw it.”

“Except God.”

Jiwon waves his hand dismissively. “Nah, he wasn’t looking. Satan probably did though because he’s a creep.”

He can’t even stop the giggle that comes out of his mouth. Jiwon pokes at his dimple with a smirk. “Yeah you’re not even mad about it are you?”

He swats Jiwon’s hand away. “Only on principle.”

“You and your principles.”

“Well, one of us should have some and you’re a rapper so I guess it’ll be me.”

Jiwon starts laughing but it dies down quickly, like he’s suddenly just remembered something. 

“Hey, um. What did you mean before?”

“About what?”

Jiwon makes an irritated noise. “You know what! What you said backstage. What did you mean?”

They reach the main intersection where there are swarms of people standing at the traffic lights. He waits for the crowds to disperse after they cross the street before he replies. 

“I don’t know why I said that. It sounded better in my head. But I mean, I guess, if you want something….you should just ask for it.” His voice wavers and he really wishes it didn’t.

Jiwon tugs at his sleeve to slow him down. “Ask for what? What do you mean? Do you want something?”

He looks at his feet hitting the ground. His face feels hot and he curses himself for starting this whole thing in public.

“Do we really have to talk about this right here?”

Jiwon squeezes his hand before putting some distance between them. “No we don’t have to. But….I’m probably going to ask you later.”

He nods as they board the train. Once seated, he leans against the window and stares out at the night lights. He can see Jiwon looking at him through the reflection in the window. 

The train ride back to his apartment is mostly silent, only punctuated by the occasional buzz of Jiwon’s phone. When a group of rowdy teenagers come to sit across the aisle from them, Jiwon shifts closer, legs and body repositioning themselves to create some kind of protective barrier between them and the noise. He wonders if Jiwon even knows when his body does things like that. The thought kills him inside and he tells himself that he really has to try and meet Jiwon half-way tonight. 

***
It was a bad-good night.

Mino is still beating him after all these years. That was bad.

But Hanbin actually kissed him. Twice. In a room with other people in it. That was good.

The start of the night was already a blur. He remembers performing, the noise and adrenaline, but mostly, he remembers looking into the crowd and finding that one smiling face. It’s his favourite face. 

Hanbin.

That guy is killing him slower than the Fugees song. 

The thought makes him smile to himself as he replies to all his text messages on their train ride home.

Maybe the touching under the table at the restaurant was too much but their kiss backstage was no ordinary kiss. Sure, it was brief (way too brief), but there was enough time for him to feel Hanbin’s tongue licking into his mouth and the way those sharp teeth bit his lip on the way out. 

Well, Hanbin said that he was ready for new things and Jiwon was ready to believe him. But as much as he wants to ask for more, he knows he needs to be patient. So he sits on the train, hands to himself, checking his messages as Hanbin looks out the window, probably thinking whatever faraway thoughts that he likes to think about.

He’s in the middle of replying to his brother’s message when Hanbin suddenly leans against him, lips next to his right ear and fingers playing nervously with the edge of his t-shirt.

“I want it too. Just so you know.”

And just like that he’s leaning away and looking out the window again, like he just told Jiwon something mundane about the weather. Like it was no big deal.

“Okay…..but what do you want?” He asks in a quiet, cautious voice.

Hanbin looks at him through the reflection in the window. “Whatever you want.”

“What do I want?”

“Everything.”

Maybe he can’t surprise Hanbin like he used to but Hanbin still surprises him all the time. Just shocks and knocks him off his feet like a category 5 storm.

He opens his mouth but doesn’t know how to respond. What do you say to something like that? He’s never had this kind of conversation before. With anyone. 

He turns his phone back on.  

[yeah i do want everything with you. thank you for telling me]

He watches Hanbin take out his own phone and look at the screen for a long time before replying.

[thank you for being here]

[wasn’t going to let you walk home by yourself]

[That’s not what I meant. Thank you for still being here.]

Still.

It’s that one word that sets him alight with overwhelming fondness and makes his mind scream with the thought that maybe maybe maybe…..he can finally stop looking for other people. That maybe he did something right. That maybe This Is It. That maybe there is nobody else after this because there doesn’t need to be anybody else. 

[its where i wanna be]

[me too]

And then he’s textless.

Speechless and textless.

It’s a small miracle that they even make it to Hanbin’s apartment without getting lost or mugged because they’re still five levels deep inside their heads when they finally reach the front door.

He watches Hanbin drop the keys and bite at his bottom lip in frustration when he can’t find the right one. It gets him on edge, like he was somehow meeting Hanbin for the first time again. 

It’s dim when they finally push into the apartment, the only light coming from the streetlamps peaking through the gaps in Hanbin’s curtains. He turns to find the light switch but there’s a firm grip on his arm.

“Jiwon?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you want to stay the night?”

In the darkness he can see the wide hopeful eyes and hear the nerves in that shy quiet voice. It makes him want to burn from the inside out.

“Yeah. I do.”

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

If life has taught Hanbin anything, it’s that things always change and he always deals with it badly. But change is inevitable. It’s as sure as the trajectory of rain, the pull of gravity or the rise of the sun. And independent of how he feels or if he’s ready, life will go on with or without him.

After that night and the morning after, life did change, mostly in good ways, but if he looks really hard, there are some things that didn’t change at all. Things that had dug roots deep into the ground and refused to move.  

Things like having panic attacks about everybody finding out and judging them.

And the constant fear that one day Jiwon will find all his dark corners and leave without saying goodbye.

But maybe that’s how it’s meant to be. Maybe that's why he’s never taken a single day for granted. Every morning he wakes up, the first moment of consciousness automatically spent searching for the body next to him. There’s always a split second of panic when all he can feel are the sheets but eventually, inevitably, his fingertips find warm skin and he gets to savour his favourite feeling in the world: sinking back into bed, completely overcome with relief because Jiwon was still there and didn’t leave in the night.

That’s another thing that doesn’t change. Jiwon doesn’t leave. He stays through all the deadlines, burnt mistake dinners, the unpredictable mood swings and his weird habit of eating in bed at midnight and randomly waking up at 2am to write down a new idea.

He doesn’t want to know why Jiwon stays but he knows it won’t last because that’s not how real life works. They’re out doing the weekly grocery shopping when someone pushes the reset button on his stable mood.

“Why is cereal written on here twice?” He asks, looking from the handwritten list to Jiwon’s evasive face. “We’re not getting two versions of everything.”

There are already two boxes of cereal in the trolley.

“Jiwon!”

“We need both. You like apple cinnamon. I like regular cinnamon. So we need both.”

“No we don’t. I’ll just eat regular.” He pulls the apple box out of the trolley but Jiwon has the other end of it.

“Life is too short for regular okay? If you want apple cinnamon, we should get you apple cinnamon. What kind of boyfriend am I if I can’t even get you the cereal you want?”

“It’s just cereal, I’ll live.” He tugs at the box but Jiwon doesn’t let go. “Okay, people are staring. We both look crazy.”

All he gets back is a wide toothy grin. “So?”

He stares at that face, which was his first mistake, and feels his resolve getting knocked down, brick by brick, every time Jiwon blinks. The apple box gets dropped back into the trolley. “Fine. Geez. We’ll get both and hoard all the food here for our non-existent family of eight.”

He ignores the victorious look on Jiwon’s face. It was a lot easier to ignore that than all the thoughts that just flooded his head right then.

Family of eight? Since when did I round the number up to eight? It was meant to be four.

And wait, we don’t even have a family.

I can’t raise a kid. I’ll mess it up for life.

Don’t jinx it Hanbin. Shut up.

And stop staring at that those two guys buying baby formula. Just stop it.

The entire trip goes like this. He had no idea that the supermarket had become a battlefield dotted with emotional landmines and surprise attacks. He spends half the time putting stuff back onto the shelf and the other half getting more and more bitter and envious of all the other couples around them who were just shopping together without having to worry about what it looks like.

They end up with two versions of too many things and he’s nursing a migraine by the time they’re ready to head for the check-out. “You’re going to have to give up your apartment or the Beast because we just bought enough food to get us through to winter 2028.”

“I never really liked my apartment anyway.” Jiwon answers with a laugh.

“Kim Fucking Jiwon.”

A foreign voice echoes down the aisle. They both turn around to find a smiling blonde guy approaching them. There’s recognition on Jiwon’s face but it’s not someone Hanbin remembers meeting at all.

He watches as Jiwon shakes hands and shoulder-hugs the stranger, taking in the designer street clothes, forearm full of tattoos and ears punctured with metal. He feels every bit like a totally inadequate third wheel.

“Sorry I missed the mic night, I’m still getting the studio together. Welcome back to hell though. Heard my boy kicked your ass.” The Guy laughs.

Jiwon shrugs and laughs back to be polite. “Ah well, I’m just a bit rusty. Been away for too long but I’m out for his head next month.”

“By the time you two idiots finish battling it out, my studio will probably be up and running.” It’s then that The Guy notices him standing there, reading the back of the cereal box like it was War and Peace. “Hey, sorry. I’m Jiho. Jiwon and I used to rap together.”

He shakes the extended hand and is desperately searching for his own introduction.

“This is Hanbin. He’s my roommate.”

Roommate.

It was the agreed-on title for them to use in emergencies. He remembers the conversation they had about it a few weeks ago but now that he’s hearing it out loud, it just sounds insulting and makes him irrationally angry. It takes everything he has not to let it show on his face.

“Hey.”

“You living with this clown? You’re brave. Blink twice if this is a hostage situation and you want me to call the cops.”

He hears himself laughing along, mind and body probably on autopilot. He wants to like Jiwon’s rap friends, he really does, but all they do is remind him of how different he is.

“How long has it been?” Jiho asks.

“Uh, just few weeks.” Jiwon answers for him.

There’s a whistle of disbelief and he can barely believe it himself. Has it really been that long? He didn’t think he’d last 5 days.

“Shit, you’ve definitely lasted longer than me. I lived with him for like, 13 days before we had to break up because it was a fucking disaster.”

Break up?

Oh.

He didn't see that coming.

And because he didn’t see it coming, he also couldn’t prepare for it. There’s nothing he can do to to stop the confused and wounded expression from appearing on his face. He’s praying nobody sees it.

“It was a long time ago.” Jiho says good-naturedly. “We couldn’t stand each other. We're better as friends."

Jiwon doesn’t meet his eyes, just nods and looks everywhere else. “Totally.”

“Anyways, I gotta run. See you around. I’ll throw a party when the studio’s up and running. And hey, it was nice to meet you Hanbin. It’s not too late to leave his ass and upgrade.” Jiho walks away laughing and then they’re alone.

Hanbin feels like a tornado just blew in, wrecked everything and now they have to start putting the wreckage back together again.

He’s not really sure what to do or think. So he just starts reading the shopping list again.

“You okay?” Jiwon asks cautiously. “Jiho's always crazy like that."

“Yeah, I’m okay.” He nods and has a strong urge to start shredding the shopping list into small pieces. “You want to get anything else? I think we’re done here.”

They make their way to the check-out and he can feel Jiwon trying to act as normal as possible but by the time they get to the car park, he’s had enough.

“Are you really okay? If you want to ask me about Jiho, just ask me.”

“It’s none of my business. I’ll deal with it.”

Jiwon frowns deeply as they find the Beast. “I don’t want you to have to deal with it. There’s nothing to deal with. Honestly, we went out for like 2 weeks and he moved in and then we broke up because we were stupid kids and didn’t know what we were doing. It doesn’t mean anything.”

He’s a little bit taken aback by the distress in Jiwon’s voice, as if he’s sorry he’s ever had another boyfriend in the first place. All it does is make Hanbin feel guilty.

“It’s okay. I know. It’s just….” He trails off and stares at all the food in the back of Jiwon’s car. Food that will be transported to his apartment and stacked into his pantry to feed them both. He needs to remember to be grateful and less paranoid but in reality, he just feels worse and worse by the minute, thoughts coloured by his bruised ego.

“Just what?”

“I don’t know.” He says, suddenly tired and defeated. “Let’s just go home.”

Jiwon lets him wait in the car while he loads the rest of the shopping into the boot. When he comes back, there’s a strong sense of deja vu.

“Listen Hanbin, there’s like 12 more hours left of this weekend and I don’t want to spend it like this. I know something is wrong okay? I’m not gonna push you to tell me but I don’t want you to sit here upset.”

“I know. I’m sorry. It’s so stupid. Honestly, just forget about it. It’s just me, it’s not you or him. I’m just being stupid again. It’s how my mind works. You know that by now.” He says with a small apologetic smile.

He isn’t prepared for the soft concern on Jiwon’s face. “Baby, don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what?” He says, trying not to let the tears come to the surface.

“Don’t sit there and blame yourself.”

“Can we just go home? I just want to go home.”

There’s a loud sigh next to him and he knows it’s not Jiwon’s intent but it makes him feel like a burden. Like Jiwon is the unlucky guy who got stuck with him and his stupid over-emotional mind.

“If you’re not going to talk about it then I’m going to guess. We’re not taking this home with us. So unless you want all your ice cream to melt, you gotta help me out here. Are you mad because I dated a guy before?”

He shakes his head.

“Okay. Well, are you mad because I lived with one?”

“No.”

“Are you mad I didn’t tell you?”

“No.”

“Are you mad because you think I only want to date and hang out with other rappers?”

He shakes his head, probably for too long, and picks at the non existent lint on his jeans. But Jiwon knows him too well by now and reaches over to grab his fingers.

“Wanna hear something Yun said about us?”

He shrugs and looks out the window.

“He was reading that Game of Thrones book and said we were like fire and ice. You’re the fire, I’m the ice, apparently. He’s always reading shit like that. Anyways, what I’m trying to say is: there’s no point in ice being with more ice. It’d be fucking winter all the time. That’s why they keep saying winter is coming and everybody dies in the snow, right?”

Despite the situation, he feels the laughter building up inside his chest. Jiwon’s ability to incorrectly summarise books is truly one of life’s great miracles.

“So maybe you think I need to be around more ice but I don’t. I’ve got enough of it on my own. What I need is someone to remind me that there’s something else out there, something completely opposite and different. It’s the one thing that makes me think about the future, past all the rapping and cars. What….why are you laughing? I’m trying to tell you something.”

He can’t help it. He lost it at “everybody dies in the snow”.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry but you’re using incorrect Game of Thrones analogies to fix me?” He says, the dark cloud lifting and a smile spreading across his face in earnest.

“Yeah, so?”

“Well, who the hell uses crappy Game of Thrones analogies to fix relationship problems?” He asks with a wide grin.

“Me! I do. Because you’re weird and I can’t use normal methods on you!” Jiwon exclaims, eyes narrowed in frustration when the laughter continues. “I’m glad you’re finding this so funny all the sudden.”

He squeezes Jiwon’s hand between his own. “I’m sorry you had to resort to using Games of Thrones to fix me.”

“You should be. I had to Wiki all of it.”

He smiles at Jiwon’s pretend-angry face and feels the tension between them dissipate. He knows he owes him an explanation.

“I’m.....sorry about before. I guess I was just shocked hearing about your life before me, you know? Sometimes I don’t even know why you want to be with me when you could be with someone who makes more sense in your life.”

Jiwon groans in frustration. “I just told you why! Were you even listening? Fire and Ice remember?”

That gets him laughing again immediately. “Nooo, don’t! Don’t say that again. I can’t take you seriously if you keep talking about Game of Thrones.”

Jiwon untangles his hand and reaches up to gently stroke the side of his face. “You don’t need to take me seriously but you need to take what I said seriously. I know what I’m doing okay? I’m not here to fill time. Don’t ever doubt it. Ever again. I don’t want to have to read all the Game of Throne books.”

“I’ll try.”

After scanning the parking lot for witnesses, Jiwon leans across to kiss him, once on the cheek then again on the lips. He’s about to kiss him a third time when he pauses. “You get what I’m saying right?”

It’s the confident focus in his Jiwon’s eyes and the commanding firmness in his voice that has him leaning in whole heartedly. “Yeah, I do.”

The third kiss is longer, slower, deeper. It’s the type of kiss that makes him want to give Jiwon everything he’s too scared to ask for and the type that only barely stops when they hear the sound of other people walking into the parking lot. It’s the type of kiss that makes him want to keep going, witnesses or not. 

“Why don’t you live with me for real?” He asks suddenly, the thought only about 0.05 seconds old before it’s already flying out of his mouth. This must be the reckless side of him talking, the side that sporadically jailbreaks out of the Fortress of Anxiety to wreak havoc in his life. 

“Huh?” Jiwon is staring at him with wide eyes. 

“Why don’t you-”

“Yeah, I heard you the first time but are you serious?”

“Yeah?” He shrugs, hands shaking badly in his lap. “You don’t have to. It’s just that you’re there most of the time anyway. And logistically, it’s closer to the garage and your parents house. Plus, if you’re going to insist on buying two versions of everything, it’d make more economic sense to save some money on rent. You don’t have to or anything, I just thought it’d make our lives a bit easier….but you can say no. Or forget that I ever asked.”

Jiwon waits for him to finish his rambling before reaching up to hold his face between his hands. “Hanbin?” 

“Yeah?”

“Can you just ask me again? Without the super romantic economics lecture?”

“Economics is romantic though.” He interjects, cheeks squished as Jiwon squeezes them together.

“Hanbin…” 

“Do you want to live with me?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Cool. Can we go home now? I think I’m going to have a panic attack.”

Chapter Text

“It’s awesome right?”

“It’s…a drawer of our socks.”

Hanbin looks over in irritation but Jiwon just gives him a blank stare.

“Okay, maybe you don’t appreciate it but that took me fifteen minutes. You just dumped everything in, closed it and walked off. That’s not really how you move in.”

Jiwon shrugs apologetically. “It’s just socks?”

He resists the urge to punch him on the arm. “How do you find anything in the morning? Do you go to work with mismatched socks?”

Jiwon looks at him with the slightest tinge of guilt. “Nobody looks at socks! They’re not important.”

He has to roll his eyes at that. “Well, now they’re all in order. I don’t want people thinking I don’t look out for you. I did your t-shirts too by the way. How the hell did you accumulate like forty white t-shirts?”

Jiwon shrugs again, like everything in his life was just some happy accident that didn’t require his active participation. “I don’t know. I need them though. 39 to wear and one just incase someone wants to steal it.”

His face glows warmly. “I put it back after I wore it!”

Jiwon comes behind to hug him to his chest. “Hanbin, if you want the Disneyland t-shirt you can have it. You can have anything you want.”

He already knows the Disneyland t-shirt is safely folded on his side of the wardrobe. He put it there and he’ll return that when Hell freezes over. Maybe not even then. 

“Anything? Really?”

“Yeah, really.”

“Even your snapbacks?”

“Yep.”

“And your Jordans?”

“Sure.”

“And your Winnie slippers?”

“No, you got those for me. You can’t have him back.”

He laughs and turns around in Jiwon’s arms. “I don’t want it back anyway, you kinda ruined them. They’re all shredded. I don’t even know how you did that.”

Jiwon leans in and kisses him on the nose. “They’re not shredded. They’re worn in.”

“You’re worn in.”

“Yeah I know. You’re brand new and mint condition though.”

He grimaces at the compliments. “God, you’re so lame.”

Jiwon’s arms squeeze him tight. “Yeah, get used to it.”

It takes them an entire week to move Jiwon in. His apartment was already small but with another life jammed in, it felt even smaller. Jiwon called it cosy but he’d say it was just shy of claustrophobic. There’s just enough space to hold him back from a nervous breakdown.

Or maybe that was still coming. Maybe this was the honeymoon period and he’s still in shock.

“I can hear you thinking. You okay?”

He rests his head against Jiwon shoulder and nods. “Yeah, this whole thing is just kinda new for me.”

“The moving in thing?”

“Yeah. And the you and me thing. Everything is just new. I don’t know what I’m doing, sorry.”

He doesn’t. He’s never been in a relationship that lasted this long or gone this far. He’d never been with anyone who knew anything important about him.

“Well, for a rookie you’re doing alright. I’m still surprised you haven’t kicked me out yet. I think I messed up all the systems in your kitchen.”

He hums against Jiwon’s shoulder as he feels warm hands rub reassuring circles into his back. “It’s your kitchen too now.”

“That all you’re going to say? Not gonna yell at me for putting the tea towels with the plastic bags?”

He shakes his head, soothed by the hands moving across his skin. “I already put everything back.”

Jiwon chuckles. “Knew it. Sorry you ended up with a mess.”

“Sorry you ended up with a nutcase.”

Jiwon tips his face up and whispers in a low pitched voice, “I love nutcases. All the best people are nutcases.”

He can’t even look at Jiwon after that, just buries his face into the safety of that solid chest and holds on for dear life.

****
The second week is a blur. They’re both so busy that they only see each other for ten minutes in the morning and maybe a hour for dinner before collapsing into bed at separate times. Late shifts and deadlines eat up every spare moment between them and it feels more like having a regular roommate than a boyfriend. 

It was good in a way, he was so busy that he barely had the chance to overthink the whole moving in thing. There were some things he was already used to when Jiwon had stayed over before: the awkwardness of waking up with bad hair and in a bad mood, constantly battling his rage whenever Jiwon leaves towels on the floor or gets toothpaste all over the sink or frantically rushing to pick up the phone in case it was his parents calling. It freaked him out in the beginning, he’d wake up at 6am every morning so Jiwon would never see him all gross and he remembers shutting himself in the bedroom whenever he had to talk to his mother.

But after awhile, he realised that a lot of those small things didn’t matter. Jiwon learnt not to answer the phone when the parental caller ID was flashing and even better, he didn’t even care how disgusting his boyfriend could be. It was liberating being able to sleep in dirty clothes, eat like pig and wake up swearing at Jiwon’s alarm. He didn’t get judged for it, just a chuckle and sympathetic back rub. 

Things were different now though. Jiwon doesn’t leave to go back to his apartment anymore. There was no hiatus or reprieve and that’s something he’s still learning to deal with. There were no longer days where he could come home after work and sit on his couch for hours in silence. That’s gone and he does miss it, the solitude was his most constant companion for so long.

On the plus side, he learns a lot of new things about himself. He learns that he can cook decent food, live amongst the occasional mess and share personal space with another person without having a full blown panic attack (he just has smaller scale panic attacks). 

But the thing he loves the most is discovering his capacity to care for another person. Maybe he felt it in bits and pieces before, and obviously he feels it for his sister, but with Jiwon, it’s no longer something that he just wants to do, taking care of him is just something that he does now. Like a blood transfusion, it’s worked its way throughout his entire venous system. It makes him who he is now and he feels human knowing that his heart could do this all along.

****

By the third week things had slowed down for both of them. The holiday season was coming up, which meant time off work and eventually, he thinks with dread, family gatherings.

The magazine goes on vacation before Jiwon’s garage closes so he gets to wake up early and make them both breakfast. It’s not until one random Wednesday that it all catches up with him.

Jiwon is half sprawled across their breakfast table and complaining about garage life again. “Some rich dude is giving his girlfriend a Porsche. I can’t believe it. She doesn’t even appreciate it. She called it a cute little car. That’s like calling Jurassic Park a cute little dinosaur movie.”

He half listens as he flips the maple pancakes over and checks on the coffee. This type of comfortable mundane-ness is what he absolutely loves and would fight to the end to protect. He wonders if Jiwon ever thinks about things like this. 

“We had to fit the dumbest customised number plates. You wanna know what it said? BBGRL. I know it’s supposed to be babygirl but what if someone reads it like: babygrowl?”

He snorts as he pours the coffee and sets it down on their breakfast table. “What if they’re genuinely in love or whatever? He obviously just wants to make her happy. That’s nice isn’t it?”

Jiwon rolls his eyes and gives him a look like he’s gone crazy. “Is it backwards day today? You are meant to be the most cynical person ever. Why aren’t you roasting the shit out of them with me? How would you feel if I got you babygirl car plates?”

He laughs and starts stacking the pancakes. “I’d say thank you but poison your breakfast later.”

There’s a split second where Jiwon hesitates siping from his mug.

He grins. “Drink it, baby.”

Jiwon narrows his eyes and takes a long sip out of defiance.

“You know, evil brings out a really nice colour in you.” Jiwon says as he starts cutting into the pancakes and chewing thoughtfully. “Hey, these are really good. Can we have this again tomorrow?”

He tilts his head and can’t help but feel impossibly fond of this messy guy in front of him. 5 foot 9 of crumpled pyjamas, crazy bed hair and a face full of maple butter.

“I was going to make crepes tomorrow. Lemon butter crepes. Yun taught me the other day.”

Jiwon groans and it sounds more erotic than it probably should have. “Oh make that. Yeah, I want that too. And those chocolate waffles you made on Monday.”

He doesn’t say anything, just smiles like an idiot into his mug of tea. This is New. This weird satisfying feeling that he’s feeding someone he cares about. Jiwon doesn’t tease him or ask about the silence, he just rabbits on and on about all the cars coming through the garage that week. He wonders when they switched roles. Did they switch roles? He didn’t even notice.

After Jiwon goes to shower and get changed, he turns on their sound system (that he broke and Jiwon fixed), starts cleaning the dishes as Sunday Morning plays in the background. It wasn’t even a Sunday but it felt like it could be one. He sings along to the music as he packs Jiwon’s Spacejam lunchbox, catching himself smiling at the packet of Oreos he sneaks in because he knows Jiwon is a sucker for them. That’s when his hand freezes. 

Oh my god.

You have changed.

You’re packing his lunch now.

You’re the sucker.

“Oh shit! I’m gonna be late!” Jiwon is a blur as he flies into the kitchen, picks up the lunchbox and runs out the front door. Two seconds later he hears the door opening again and Jiwon rushes back into the kitchen to kiss him twice, once on the lips and once on the cheek.

“You’re the best. Have a good day.”

“You too. See you when you get back.”

And then he’s gone again. The kitchen smells like maple butter and a woodsy cologne. It smells like a Sunday morning. 

He leans against the kitchen bench, taking in all the little bits that didn’t even exist a few months ago. From the way there’s two sets of plates and mugs to the scattered rap flyers and car magazines on the table to the random hoody (his or Jiwon’s?) that always seems to be draped over a chair. 

He doesn’t notice that he’s doing it until his face begins to ache-

He’s been smiling at an empty kitchen this whole time.

****

Left to his own devices, his mind wanders and his fingers get restless. He makes himself a schedule to continue writing his book but the research has him constantly chasing tangents and falling down the Wikipedia hole. He writes in fits and starts, mind always ending up in the same place. Even when he’s physically absent, Jiwon’s presence fills their entire apartment. 

There’s a note in his diary about an upcoming mic night and his finger traces over the words as he stares out the window, imagining what it might be like if Jiwon ever got a record deal and could live his dreams out for real. Things would change. Would he be a part of Jiwon’s plans or get left behind?

He doesn’t get much done after that and he’s still thinking about their future by the time they’re in bed that night. 

“What do you think you’ll do if you get a record deal?” 

“Accept it?” Jiwon laughs. “Why are you asking?”

“I was just thinking about it today.”

Jiwon pulls him closer until his head is resting on his chest. “Thinking about me getting a record deal?”

His hand smooths over the soft hoody next to his cheek as he thinks. “Yeah. Imagine where you’ll be in a year. Someone from a record company will find you and you’ll be all famous.”

“You’re optimistic.” The chest chuckles underneath him. “Where are you in all this?”

“Still living here, trying to get my book written and published.”

“How far ahead have you thought about this?” Jiwon asks with a smile. “Where are we at three years?”

“Oh you’ll definitely be a legitimate recording artist by then. We should get a bigger and better apartment. And you can say no but I want a dog.”

A hand cards through his hair. “You can have two dogs.”

“You know verbal agreements are legally binding right?”

Jiwon laughs again. “Yeah I know. What about in five years? What do you think we’ll be doing in five years?”

“Five years? Better book deal. Better record deal. Better apartment. Two dogs. Maybe we’d split time between here and the US.”

“The US? Why?”

“For all your collaborations.”

Jiwon’s fingers are soft against his skin and he can hear a strong heartbeat under his ear. “What else?”

“I don’t know what else. I want to write a lot more things but it might be hard though because you’d have tours and stuff.”

The hand in his hair moves down to gently caress his neck. “Will I? You gonna come to all my shows?”

“Yeah, I need to keep the girls in check.”

Jiwon lets out a loud laugh, it jostles his head about. “What about the guys?”

He looks up sharply. “What about them? You gonna ditch me when you get famous?”

There’s a kiss against his forehead which does nothing to calm his irrational thoughts, even though he knows they’re just talking fiction. “Nah, I’ll be too old to look for another relationship. I’ll just keep you, it’s less work.”

“I know you’re joking but-”

Jiwon rolls them over until he’s hovering above him. “Do you really think I’d leave you? Famous or not. Do you really think that you’re not my entire plan?”

He looks up at Jiwon’s serious face, surprised by the sudden change in mood. “I wouldn’t really blame you.”

“That’s a really weird thing to say Hanbin.” Jiwon says with a frown. “Why do you always say stuff like that?”

He frowns too, unsure how the conversation went from fiction to real life so fast. “I just mean, if you found someone-”

“-don’t even finish that sentence. Just don’t. I know what you’re going to say. Some bullshit about me finding someone better or normal or whatever. Why do you always think that there’s something better out there? Don’t you see me in your future?”

He reaches up to finger the drawstrings hanging from Jiwon’s hoody. “I do. But let’s face it Jiwon, there probably is someone better for you out there. I’m pretty sure I’m just systematically ruining your life.” He says with a chuckle, trying to lighten up the mood.

“Is it something I’m not doing right?”

He looks up in confusion. “What?”

Jiwon lies back down with a heavy sigh. “This is how all our conversations go. You talk about staying together but you don’t believe it’s going to happen. So I must be doing something wrong if you can’t see us being the end game.”

He rolls over and tangles his fingers between Jiwon’s hands. “You’re not doing anything wrong. I just….I don’t want to jinx it. Because…”

“Because what?”

“Because this is already end game for me. I don’t care if we never get any better than this.” He finishes quietly and snuggles right against Jiwon’s side.

There’s silence for a moment as they both run the thoughts through their heads. He plays with their fingers and holds his breath as he waits for Jiwon to say something.

“You got low standards, Hanbin.”

He smiles into Jiwon’s arm and just like that, the mood changes again.

“Does your low standard have a ten year plan?”

He presses a kiss into Jiwon’s arm and grips his fingers tightly. “Of course it does. We’re going be on your dumb apple orchard with five dogs and really neurotic hyper kids running around screaming their heads off.”

It’s not until it leaves his mouth that he realises what he just said. But it’s too late to take it back.

Jiwon looks over at him with surprise. “I thought you said you didn’t remember any of that?”

He shrugs. “I lied.”

“Why aren’t you freaking out about this?”

“I’ve been thinking about it for a long time. It gets less scary after awhile. Anyways, the kid thing is just a crazy dream. I’m going to need to practice taking care of you and the dogs first.”

Jiwon just shakes his head in disbelief and rolls over so they’re facing each other, inches apart. “I’m….I just….”

Sometimes he second guesses himself. Sometimes Jiwon’s impassive face gives him nothing. Sometimes he’s confident about Jiwon’s feelings. Sometimes even Jiwon has his own doubts. 

But this time, he’s sure he saw it, the way Jiwon looks at him as softly and with as much focus as the way he knows he always looks right back. It’s just a small moment, a few seconds, but it feels big. It feels huge.

“I know. Me too.”

Chapter Text

It’s October. People probably think he’s mad but Hanbin can always feel a change in the air when it’s October. Or maybe it’s not as crazy as it sounds. October was the first thing he knew after he was born. He knows it’s different compared to all the other months.

October with it’s mild sky and intermittent sunshine, when leaves are turning shades of earth and trees are looking lonely. It doesn’t have the sharp sting of December’s Winter nor does it have the carefree warmth of June’s Summer. It’s not as optimistic as March’s Spring but he finds all that optimism overbearing after awhile anyway.

October just is. October lets him lay low and be who he wants to be. It lets him start to steal more of Jiwon’s clothes to wear underneath his jacket, like a hug he can walk around with when he goes and does errands by himself. Maybe it’s pathetic, he’s sure it is, but it’s nice having Jiwon so close to him, even if it’s just through an old t-shirt.

This is their first October together and he’s lying if he said he wasn’t at least a little bit irrationally anxious about it. He wants Jiwon to love October. He needs this to be good.

“How’s the book going?” Jiwon asks, fingers running through his hair as they sit on the couch watching late night Evangelion re-runs.

“It’s okay.” He sighs. “It’s a lot of research.”

“Are you ever gonna tell me anything about it? Or let me read it?”

He snuggles closer into Jiwon’s chest. “No. It’s not ready. And you haven’t won a mic night yet. You know the rules.”

Jiwon groans dramatically above him. “Seriously? But that might take months! Come on.”

He slides his hands under the soft fabric of Jiwon’s hoody and lets his fingers catch on the bumps and ridges of defined muscle. “Well, if you want to read it so badly, you should try to win the next one then. I told you, you’re better than him, it shouldn’t be hard.”

Jiwon chuckles softly. “Better than who? Mino?”

“Yeah. He’s too controlled and too handsome or something. It’s okay if you like that kind of thing.” He says with a slack shrug.

The fingers in his hair freezes for a beat. It always makes him smile, the way Jiwon reacts to some things and pretends it doesn’t affect him.

“You think he’s too handsome?” Jiwon asks casually.

“Well, he’s not ugly. Who cares what he is anyway. He’s not my type. He’s too clean or something. I’m not into that sort of thing.”

There’s a reflective hum. “Oh really? What’s your type then?”

“Dirty. Messy. Shreds everything I buy. Doesn’t let me touch his car stereo. And always forgets to turn the dryer on.”

“That’s weirdly specific, Hanbin. I don’t know anyone like that.”

His fingernails drag across Jiwon’s abdomen and he can feel the muscles flexing in response. “Hmm, I don’t either. Guess I’ll settle for you until he comes along.”

“Thanks, I feel so much better about myself now.” Jiwon says flatly. “Aren’t you going to ask me what my type is?”

“Okay, what is your type?”

“Not you.”

He bursts out laughing and turns over to hit Jiwon in the chest. “Rude!”

Jiwon lets out his dorky wheezy laugh as he dodges the punches. “Yeah I love guys who are really ugly, really dumb and bad at doing laundry. Know where I can find one of those?”

“Maybe on sale at the boyfriend store?”

Jiwon’s face turns serious then, smile softening and fingers brushing strands of hair away from his face. “Actually, if we’re being honest, I didn’t even know I had a type but I knew it was going to be you by the time we got to that cafe.”

He lays down with his chin resting on Jiwon’s chest and eyes him skeptically. “What?! Don’t lie. How could you possibly know? We met for like 15 minutes.”

“I’m not lying! I knew. I knew it’d be you.”

He stares at Jiwon’s face, trying to look for something that might be insincere or the start of a joke but Jiwon doesn’t back down and just stares right back.

“No way.” He shakes his head in disbelief. “No way you could’ve known we’d end up like this. No way.”

“Well, I didn’t know we’d end up exactly like this. But I knew it was going to be you.”

And right there, standing in the forefront of his mind, is the same insecure teenage that never even got a date in high school. He doesn’t want to ask but he knows the kid inside needs him to make sure. “Do you….still know?”

“Yeah, of course I still know….” Jiwon says defensively before trailing off.

He watches as Jiwon’s mouth opens and closes without anything coming out. It’s not because of a lack of thoughts. It’s because there’s too many.

“Don’t say it.” He cuts in, fingers sliding into one of Jiwon’s waiting hands. “Whatever you’re going to say. Just….save it for later. Okay?”

He rests back down, cheek against Jiwon’s rib cage, listening to the fast heartbeat underneath as his own thunders in his ears.

“Yeah…okay.” Jiwon replies, confused but not protesting.

Evangelion gets ignored for the rest of the night. He watches the pictures and hears the sounds but the only thing he can think about is if he’s really ready for the next phase of his life. He’s spent so long dwelling on the past that he feels totally unprepared for the future.

There was so much to think about all of the sudden. He doesn’t even remember falling asleep after that but he remembers arms carrying him to bed, tucking him into the sheets and a soft voice telling him to dream.

****

October 5th.

“HANBIN?!!!”

“WHAT?!!”

“HAVE YOU SEEN MY LUCKY BOXERS?”

He rummages through their drawers in a panic, like a storm blowing right through the streets of Hanbin’s neat town but this a DEFCON 1 situation. He can’t do a mic night without his lucky boxers.

A hand grabs his wrists. “Jiwon. Stop. You’re just messing up the drawers. Go shower. I’ll find them.”

“It’s the purple ones with the-”

“…yellow killer bees. I know.” Hanbin gives him a dimple grin as he kneels down on to pick up all the socks and clothes that littered their floor.

It’s always the smallest things that hit him right in the gut. The way Hanbin folds his t-shirts or writes him random notes or how he always seems to know exactly where everything is. Things that he almost takes for granted on his bad days but thanks God for on the good ones.

“Jiwon?”

“Huh?”

“Go shower. I’ll find them okay?”

By the time he’s done and wrestled with his hair, their bedroom is empty and the tornado of clothes has been tidied away. On their bed, he finds his lucky purple boxers folded next to a pair of jeans, his white shirt ironed and hanging from the wardrobe door handle. He could really go through the rest of his life sustained by all the small things.

Hanbin is sitting on the couch in their small living room, eating an apple and scrolling through something on his phone, hair slicked up to one side and dressed in a black jacket and black jeans that he didn’t even know Hanbin owned. Now that he’s working on his book from home, he hasn’t seen Hanbin dressed up in awhile. It still takes his breath away. Like his brain keeps wiping the memory so they have to re-live the moment like it’s the first time, every time.

“Hey.”

Hanbin looks up, apple hanging from his mouth as he types out a message using both hands. He looks ridiculous but somehow, still the most beautiful thing in any room, anywhere in the world.

“Youlooknice.” Hanbin mumbles around the apple in his mouth.

He shakes his head. The irony. “You look nicer.”

Hanbin pockets his phone, nibbles on the rest of the apple core and walks over to him. He’s seen Hanbin plenty of times. Every day for the past few months. But the way that thin frame walks towards him, all shy confidence with tight jeans and collar bones peeking out from the deep v-cut of his white t-shirt, still makes his stomach drop and his heart race out of time.

There’s a sweet and sticky kiss pressed against his lips but it’s gone before he’s had time to respond or demand more. As Hanbin walks into the kitchen to throw away the apple core, there’s a ghost of that cologne that always reminds him of the ocean for some reason. It’s ridiculous, he knows. The ocean smells like salt. The only other thing that reminds him of salt is the taste of Hanbin’s skin, especially down his neck. Maybe it’s not so crazy.

And then his mind does that thing that he sometimes loves and hates. It takes the smallest hint of a spark and roars into a fire, engulfing him with all the images he remembers from That Morning In Bed spliced together with all the dirty things that they haven’t even done yet.

He’s completely inside of his head as they ride the train to the club. Mental images of skin and hip bones and that pouty mouth he loves so much. He’s restless, frustrated and he knows it annoys Hanbin whenever he has to readjust himself. He’s grateful that his jeans are at least baggy enough to hide how hard he is. His hand searches out for something to touch, settling over Hanbin’s knee, where the rips in his jeans are large enough for his fingers to slide in and out.

It’s not until they’re stepping onto the platform and walking to the venue that Hanbin suddenly sighs loudly.

“Oh my god. What’s up with you? Are you actually high or just nervous?”

He forces himself out of his head. “What? Neither! I’m just thinking about stuff. I’m allowed think about stuff sometimes okay?!”

Hanbin stops walking and looks sternly at him. “Like what?”

He feels the warmth creeping up his neck. “Like….uh, rap stuff.”

There’s a exasperated groan and he really wishes he didn’t find that hot when Hanbin is clearly just annoyed at him for being a bad liar.

“What’s it gonna take?”

“For what?”

“For you to focus? You’re on stage in 2 hours. You can’t go like this. You look all spaced out.  So what’s it gonna take?”

He bites his bottom lip and raises an eyebrow. He doesn’t know what he looks like but all Hanbin does is glare at him for a few seconds before rolling his eyes.

“You are so predictable.”

And that’s how he finds himself sitting on a wooden crate in the dark alley behind the club, jeans undone, soft hair between his fingers and Hanbin’s hot mouth between his legs.

He wants to say that getting blown right before mic night might not really help but then again, only an idiot would put a stop to something like this.

The bass thumps in the background, drowning out most of the sounds they’re making but he doesn’t need sound, not when he has sight. And really, if he died right then, he’d die happy.

It’s not long before he feels the familiar tight tension building, like waves of electricity rolling closer and closer every time Hanbin swallows him down into that wet heat.

Without warning Hanbin looks up at him with those big dark eyes that are soft and adoring one minute then dangerous and wild the next. It catches him off guard, something vaguely passing as fear makes his hair stand on end, and he knows Hanbin must see the surprise on his face because there’s a wicked smile and the light scrape of sharp teeth over the underside of his cock.

It’s enough to push him right over the edge. He leans back too fast, head colliding with the wall behind them and cums with a loud groan, fingers pulling Hanbin’s head forward by his hair to keep that mouth exactly where he needs it.

He can feel the startled surprise as Hanbin’s throat gags around him. He tries not to but he can’t help fucking into that soft pliant mouth, riding out the high and chasing the heat as Hanbin swallows everything down with a long satisfied hum.

Once he stops seeing stars, his body collapses against the wall, completely blissed out and only vaguely registering Hanbin’s fingers tidying him up. He opens his eyes just in time to see Hanbin wiping his mouth like a cat. He loves watching him do that.

It’s the same every time they do this. He feels invincible afterwards. Like a champion boxer ready for the ring. Like the luckiest guy on earth. Ready to destroy everyone in the club, if it means seeing Hanbin’s wicked smile again. If only his legs would work….

Fingers comb through his hair in some attempt to fix it. It’s gentle for a few seconds before there’s a sharp tug pulling his face forward until it’s inches away from Hanbin and his sharp teeth.

“You better fucking win tonight.” There’s a snarl in Hanbin’s voice, sharpness in his tone and all it does is send a jolt of electricity down his spine and shocks any remaining lethargy out of him.

“Okay.” He says obediently.

Anything.

I’ll do anything you want me to.

There’s a laugh then, the dimpley one that he hates for its manipulative effect. “Come on, let’s go get a drink. My jaw hurts.”

They walk back slowly to the club. His fingers unable to stop touching something, anything, attached to Hanbin’s body. He knows he’s pushing it but he doesn’t unhook his fingers from Hanbin’s jeans as he pushes them through the crowd. More surprisingly, Hanbin doesn’t complain and just holds onto the back of his jacket.

They find June and Yun at the bar, bickering about something as usual.

“Dude, your hair.” June motions to Hanbin’s head with a laugh. “You look like you just-”

Yun elbows him sharply and clears his throat. The blush that colours Hanbin’s cheeks gives them away.

“Oh….Jesus. Disgusting.” June gags in the background. “Don’t tell me you guys just fucked before you got here.”

“WHAT?! NO!” Hanbin splutters out, caught off guard by June’s bluntness. He doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t care if everybody knows.

Yun scrunches up his nose. “Was it on the train? Because that’s so …unsanitary.”

“And now I really need a drink.” He announces, ignoring the questioning stares from his friends and dragging Hanbin to the other side of the bar.

“It’s not that obvious is it?”

“What?”

“My hair. Is it obvious that-”

“-you just blew a guy in an alley way behind a club? Yeah it’s obvious.” He chuckles apologetically. “Sorry.”

Hanbin touches his swollen lips gingerly but makes no motion to fix his messy hair. He reaches across and tries to help but his hand gets pushed away.

Oh. Weird.

He’s learnt a lot of things about Hanbin at this point but right at that very minute, he gets an inkling of what might become his new favourite thing.

“Actually, I’m not sorry.” He says, leaning in with his lips barely touching Hanbin’s ear. “You look so hot like this. And you like it don’t you? You like people guessing who you’ve been with and what you just did.”

He sees something hungry and unhinged flashing across those dark eyes and he knows he right. It stirs the animal inside him, the one that’s only just gone back to sleep.

“But they can’t have you, can they baby? Because you’re mine. I want them all to know you’re mine.”

Those lips open to say something but the bartender comes over with their drinks then and he leans back, leaving Hanbin opened-mouthed, mid-thought and staring at him with the kind of intensity that is destined to get him committing crimes and walking through fire one day.

He pushes the glass of gin over. “Drink this. And stop looking at me like that. You’re gonna get me hard again.” He says with a laugh. “Then we’ll be in a whole lot of trouble.”

He watches Hanbin down the entire glass like a shot and lick his lips wet. He can feel it, the angry frustration humming around Hanbin’s body, like a lightning rod or live wire that’s just been cut. It's going to be a long night.

*****

3 drinks in and Hanbin is still so restless. Nervous-excited energy causing him to bounce his legs up and down to the point where Jiwon’s hands clamp down on his thighs to stop him moving.

At quarter to 9, Jiwon takes off his jacket and rolls up his shirt sleeves. That doesn’t help either and things just go from bad to worse. He leans right into Jiwon’s space without really meaning to, head resting on a broad shoulder and fingers already finding the skin of Jiwon’s smooth back.

4 drinks in and Jiwon slowly loses the rest of his restraint. Calloused fingers are jammed underneath the holes of his jeans, drawing some kind of pattern across his leg. He knows what they must look like now. He can see it in the surprised and curious faces of fans and rappers who come over to their couch to meet Jiwon. If there was any doubt last time, there probably wouldn’t be by the time this night is over.

And he knows.

He knows he needs to worry about rumours spreading and his parents finding out but by the time his 4th drink arrives, those concerns just make less and less sense. If he stops, he gets less Jiwon. But if he keeps going, he gets more. And he definitely wants more.

It’s maths.

It’s logical.

So why should he stop?

He plays with Jiwon’s fingers as they bicker with June and Yun about cars and tattoos and how subconsciously possessive Jiwon gets whenever someone looks in his direction. He doesn’t remember a time when he felt this happy, this carefree, this drunk…..

“Honestly, cut this shit out.” June says with a grimace. “That last guy didn’t even do anything. Are you gonna get pissed off at every guy who looks at him?” 

All it does is make Jiwon’s hand tighten across his thigh. 

“Urghhh. Get a fucking room.” June groans. 

“I would. But I gotta perform soon.” Jiwon replies with a poke of his tongue. It makes him giggle like an idiot.

“Aww, it’s kinda adorable.” Yun says, nodding in that happy way he does when he’s had one drink too many. “You both look so dopey. Good luck with the hangover tomorrow though.” 

They look across at each other. They do look dopey. At least Jiwon does, with his big bunnyteeth grin and ugly laugh. He wonders if he looks the same. He definitely feels dopey.

At 9:30pm, the rappers get called and he frowns when Jiwon’s body stands up.

“Babe, it’s time.” Jiwon says with a smile, trying to tug his fingers free. “You gonna let me go?”

He shakes his head and his thoughts just slosh around all bathed in the warm glow of citrus alcohol.

“Fuck, you are so cute right now.” Jiwon kneels in front of him and kisses his fingers. “I promise I’ll come back.”

“After you destroy all those guys?”

“Yeah, after I destroy all those guys.”

He relunctantly lets go and watches as Jiwon leaves, disappears and re-emerges on the stage as Bobby. He watches as rappers come and fall. Even Mino gets caught out by the slower backing track coming through the speakers. But that slack bassline and the too-fast-too-slow-trap-beat is as unpredictable as Bobby. It takes a certain kind of crazy to ride that kind of rhythm.

It’s our kind of crazy.

He lets Bobby get eaten up by the crowd that loves him, calls his name, touches his face and shakes his hands. They can have Bobby. Just leave him Jiwon.

They make out all the way home on the train. It’s past 1am. There’s 16 drinks between them, a winners check in Jiwon’s back pocket and hands on skin everywhere. He doesn’t care who sees it. If this is how October is going to play out, he wants it to be October forever.

Chapter Text

It starts like he thought it might, with a broken door handle, a blown light bulb, a deleted chapter, a torn shirt. Hanbin knew something was coming, could feel the great wave of wrongness washing over him as he wakes up at 6:30 to make Jiwon breakfast. The sky is still grey, the air still quiet and he shivers in the thin Disneyland t-shirt he stole from Jiwon’s side of their wardrobe.

But he’s a survivor, he’s good at pretending. He’ll deal with broken door handles, blown light bulbs and whatever else is coming. He won’t let its toxic fingers touch Jiwon’s life. It’s the one promise he made to himself and the only one he will go to the end to keep. He’d sooner leave then let his darkness creep in again.

So he smiles and laughs in all the right places, returns the hug and accepts all the goodbye kisses as Jiwon walks out their door to go to work.

But then he’s alone again. Everything is still grey, like Jiwon took all the noise and colour with him when he left. He tries to write but there’s a writer’s block so large that he can’t get around it, no matter how many times he starts over or how much research he throws at it. He tries tidying their apartment instead, fixes the broken door handle and lights, but there’s only so much to do before it’s bordering on obsessive and his hands go red and raw.

And because rational thought has never been his strong suit when things get weird, he decides to drive to the supermarket to do their grocery shopping a day early. He expected it to storm, expected the world somehow to reflect his mood, but it doesn’t. It’s still grey and quiet.

He buys all of Jiwon’s favourite snacks, extra milk, all the fruit he’ll eat and none of the ones he won’t. He buys too much. It’s only later, when he’s stacking their pantry, that he realises what he’s done.

He’s not re-stocking.

He’s preparing to leave.

But where would he go? This was his apartment. It made no sense.

He slams the pantry door shut in irritation, shaking his head to get rid of the black voices that he hasn’t heard in a long time. He’s been so riding high for so long that he almost forgot to look down and watch for signs of the incoming storm. When it rolls in he knows there won’t be anything left untouched by it.

Maybe that’s why he just stares at the caller ID on his phone for five full rings before answering with a shaky hand and a shakier heart.

“Hi mum.”

“Who is he? The boy they saw you with?”

He always knew it was coming and even though he tried to prepare for it, it didn’t change a damm thing when the moment arrived. He still doesn't know what to say and he still reverted back to the 12 year old child who was scared of his parents.

He says what they rehearsed.

“He’s just my roommate.”

But the apple never fell very far from the tree. His mother is intuitive and clever. She never suffered fools and could cut through months of bullshit with the type of clinical precision he would be in awe of, if not for the fact that she was doing it to him. And that hurt him him in more ways that he wanted it to- that she was doing this to him.

“So you’re going to lie about it? Is that it?”

He sits down at their dining table, heavy and exhausted even thought it was only 12:30 in the afternoon. But that’s the thing people always underestimate, how mental fatigue can knock a person down faster and for longer than anything physical. Unless they’re dead. Then it’s just a moot point.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” He murmurs quietly, carefully, defeated. “I just got a roommate.”

His mother scoffs on the other end, like she knew he would say that, she probably did. “They’ve been talking about you. Did you know? You’ve been running around having fun and I’ve had to hear about it. You’re lucky your father is still away on business. I don’t want him hearing about this.”

He listens to the reports, the long list of sightings and questionable behaviour he and Jiwon have been seen doing. He listens as his criminal record is dragged out all over again and worst of all, he listens to her unsolicited, unwanted and incorrect conclusions about who he is, what he is and what Jiwon means.

“It’s not real Hanbin. You get in these phases but it’s not real, is it? It can’t go anywhere. You need to think about what people will say about our family, what they will say about your father’s company when it all comes out. Do you know how hard he’s worked to get to where he is? It’s already bad enough that you refused to take over the business.”

He doesn’t know why he lets it continue. All it does is get him more and more angry and feel more and more guilty. He wants to hang up so many times but curiosity gets the better of him so he listens and watches as his knuckles get more white and his nails dig into his palms. And maybe driving everything is some kind of sick feeling that he just wants to know the damage and let it completely break him apart.

“Are you listening? I want this whole….phase you’re going through sorted out by the time your father is back. I know you’re different, you always have been, but society isn’t kind to those who are different and it’s time to grow up and stop thinking so selfishly. Think about your sister. Do you really want her growing up with a brother like….like…”

At the mention of his sister, he snaps.

“Like what?” He demands quietly, voice now devoid of any 12 year old fears. No, now he just sounds like a 25 year old who is backed into a corner and baring all his teeth.

“Don’t take that tone with me.” His mother snaps back, just as venomous and sharp. They were alike in so many ways. Except one.

“Like what? A brother like what? Why don’t you just say it? If you already know?”

“Like you’re sick! Like you’re one of those people!”

But just as 25 years of rage threatens to boil to the surface, he hears a small anguished sob on the other end of the phone. He knows it’s manipulative in some ways but she was still his mother and just as quickly as he wanted to blow up he finds himself simmering right down again.

“I don’t even know who you are anymore. Do you know what that’s like? To hear all these things about you and not even know if they’re true or not? Do you know what it’s like listening to people saying all those terrible things about you and having to defend it? I’m your mother! I should know these things first.” She says in between sobs.

“You already know them.” He whispers. “You’ve always known.”

“So that’s just it, is it?” She asks, cries coming to an end and mask back on. “You’re just going to throw your life away for that boy? Is that it?”

And he could so easily lie. With one word he could fix his family, fix his broken relationship with his parents, fix everything….but he can’t.

“Yes.”

She hangs up.

He knows it isn’t over. This is just the calm before the storm.

****

He doesn’t want to leave the house but he knows his mother will visit and call again. She’d find him, find them, find Jiwon.

So he drives. Downtown. Uptown. Near the coast. He sits in his car for hours and hours, staring at the sea and wondering if anyone would truly miss him if he wasn’t there tomorrow. Maybe his sister would cry, maybe she would get over it.

But there was Jiwon.

Jiwon will expect him to come home, to wake up and be there.

And really, even as all the lights go dim in his head and everything is faded and hollow, he thinks about Jiwon waiting for him with a confused look on his face when he finds the apartment empty. It surprises him, how much the thought of it makes him want to cry.

So that’s what he does every day, just waits for Jiwon to leave for work before driving to the coast and watching the waves roll and crash over and over again until he can blink back enough tears to see. Then he drives home, cleans himself up and pretends it never happened.

As their dinner simmers on the stove, he wanders into their bedroom and tries to write again but for some reason nothing comes out when he sits with his laptop. There are old notebooks that he unearths from his over zealous cleaning and after pages of random disjointed thoughts, his fingers start forming sentences. Everything is coloured grey and nihilistic and he’s just writing in circles but at least there are words coming out. At least something decent has come out of this whole thing.

He writes about how everyone is wrong about life; how it’s not short but long. How a short life is a blessing in some ways because if you make a mistake, you don’t have to live with it for as long. Humans have no real concept of time anyway, not really. It’s as abstract as the word and colour orange. Time only means something when you put a number with it. Take away clocks and calendars and sundials and we’d all be lost.

Or maybe we’d live more focused lives if we knew our own expiry dates. Would any of us live better lives if we knew when the end was coming? Would we be more brave, more true, more kind, more reckless? How hard would he fight for what he wants?

He stops writing when his hand cramps and he can hear the jingle of keys outside their apartment door. The notebook gets wedged under their mattress and he puts his best neutral face on before walking out. 

“Hey, how was your day?”

Chapter Text

Of course he notices.

For weeks on end Hanbin sleeps right up against his left arm, hair tickling his shoulder and toes occasionally wriggling against his ankles. It gets annoying but it was also comforting in a way, just knowing Hanbin was there.

So when Jiwon starts waking up without the warm body squashed against his arm, the alarm bells begin ringing quietly in the distance.

But everyone is entitled to a bad day or a bad week. He doesn’t want to make Hanbin feel like some kind of failure for not being happy all the time, that was just unrealistic, and there’s no reason to make a big deal out of it.

He lets it go. For a few days. For a week. For a week and a half. But too many days pass where they sleep with a gulf between them and he starts waking up alone. He wants to fix it, whatever it is, but he knows it’ll only lead to a fight. What choice does he have now anyway? When Hanbin looks like he hasn’t slept properly in weeks and is just pale shell of his former self.

They eat breakfast as the sound system plays Fleetwood Mac’s greatest hits. It just makes everything even worse.

“You been okay? Keeping yourself occupied when I’m at work?” He asks casually, trying to ease them into the awkward conversation.

“Sometimes. I guess.”

“Are you sleeping okay?”

“Yeah. Sort of.” There’s a pause and a guilty look in his direction. “Did I wake you up in the middle of the night again? I’ll sleep of the couch or something. I guess I’m moving around too much.”

He knows Hanbin must have bad dreams judging by the way he frowns and grips the sheets in his sleep. By the time he’s jostled awake, Hanbin’s already settled down. Until the next time. And the time after that. He thought his heart could only hurt when it had been rejected in some romantic melodramatic way. He had no idea it could still ache when nobody was fighting or leaving.

“No, no no. Don’t do that. I can’t sleep properly without you next to me anymore. It’s actually annoying.” He says with a chuckle, hoping to lighten the mood.

Hanbin gives him a small smile. Maybe it works for a little while, he’ll take anything at this stage.

“Got anything planned for today?”

“Um, no. Not really. I might try to write some more. Or something…” Hanbin trails off, staring out their window with a faraway look on his face, mind going somewhere that no-one can ever follow.

He knows some things about Hanbin by now. He knows when to leave him alone and when to drag him kicking and screaming out of his misery. But he also knows that this time is different, that Hanbin’s nerves were brittle like glass and that there was something more to it, like an iceberg that stretched on for hundreds of miles underneath the surface. He can’t force this, it’d shatter into pieces and cut everything in sight. It makes him feel helpless. It drives him crazy.

“Well, if you get bored or need anything, you know you can just call me right?” He says, maybe too seriously. “I can just leave work if you want me to.”

Hanbin nods and hides his face behind the bugs bunny mug.

He doesn’t even want to go to work today. He had laid in bed this morning, staring at the ceiling and debating whether or not to call in sick. He doesn’t want to go fix cars, he just wants to stay here and fix this, whatever it is.

But he can’t. Not really. There were too many people relying on him to turn up, help out, supervise the new apprentice, deal with the picky customers. This is real adult life. This is what it feels like to be torn up inside.

The last strains of ‘Landslide’ plays as he’s standing in their doorway. Hanbin hands him the SpaceJam lunchbox and there’s a awkward pause before the hug. It felt all wrong. Since when did they ever pause like that nowadays?

“Call me anyway. Even if you’re not bored. Okay?”

Hanbin nods against his chest. “Okay.”

He wants to say something else but he knows he shouldn’t. Not like this. He doesn’t want it remembered with all this. What he doesn’t say in words he puts into their goodbye kiss. It’s longer, slower, softer than usual. He’s holding Hanbin’s face in his hands and he doesn’t realise he’s frowning until Hanbin pokes at it with a small smile.

“What’s up with you?”

“Nothing. Nothing.” He says. “Just gonna miss you, that’s all.”

“You’re still so dramatic.” Hanbin says with shake of his head. “I’ll be here when you get back.”

“You better be.”

He kisses Hanbin again, ignoring the quiet gasp of surprise before sinking into the tight hug with more relief that either of them should need.

He’ll fix this tonight.

****

Sometimes Hanbin thinks God abandoned him. Gave him an overly sensitive and defective brain then left him to fend for himself.

He watches Jiwon walk out their door to go to work and all he can think about is the irony of it all; that he should be so scared about the future when they were never even destined to have one. 

By the time he hears the insistent knocks at the door, he knows for sure that all the Gods have definitely deserted him now.  

“Hi mum.”

“Don’t you answer the phone anymore?” She asks accusingly.

He says nothing, just steps aside to let her in.

“Have you thought about what I said?” She asks, sitting at their dining table as he sets down a glass of water.

“Yes.”

“And?”

“I don’t know what you expect me to say. It’s not like you’re giving me any options.” He says bitterly.

She sighs before taking in the mess that litters their table: from the car magazines, to rap flyers, to catalogues for sound systems, to letters with their names on them.

“Jiwon. Is that his name?”

“Yes.”

“He lives here?”

“Yes.”

“What kind of mess did you get yourself into, Hanbin?” She says tiredly. “I thought you outgrew this phase.”

He can’t even think of an answer.

“Your father is back in a week. You’ve got a week to deal with all….this.” She continues calmly, tucking the letters underneath the magazines, as if it’d erase Jiwon’s existence. “And it’s the company fundraiser soon. You’re expected to come. Don’t forget.”

He looks at her bitterly. “I haven’t.”

She looks at him with sympathetic eyes. “We can’t always have what we want. You should know that by now. Do you really think it’ll go anywhere? Be anything? Is that what he promised you?”

He doesn’t have an answer for that either.

“Hanbin…..just…end it now. End it quickly. Before any more damage is done. If you really care for this boy, you’ll spare him of all this. Your world, your future, is not compatible with his. You know this. Boys his age will get over it and move on. They always do. How long as it even been? A month or two?”

“Six.” He says flatly.

She raises an eyebrow in surprise. “Well, I suppose it might take him some time to get over it then.”

He shuts down and can’t look at her anymore.  

When she reaches over to squeeze his shoulder, he barely even feels it. “You think I’m being cruel. That I don’t understand. Well, you know I understand you more than anyone. But people like us…..once someone’s given us a plan, once we’ve done what they expect us to, they’ll never let us do what we want to. It’s just the way it is.”

She stands up then, gathers her coat and bag before kissing him on the cheek. “Answer your phone next time.”

It’s quiet again after she leaves. An eerie calmness washes over him. He knows this feeling-it’s his mind trying to protect him from all the rage and violence that’s buzzing around his body. He can feel both forces at once but he doesn’t really know which one to succumb to.

Rage.

Peace.

Rage.

Peace.

He stares at the glass of water on the table, fingers itching to pick it up, throw it against the wall, watch it shatter.

Rage, it is.

He walks out of the kitchen before he has the chance to destroy anything and goes into their bedroom instead, shutting the door with trembling hands and wishing he could shut out the world too.

And suddenly his entire life seems fake. Like a hologram that was glitching in and out of time. Everything taunts him; all those ideas he scribbles down for his book, all the appointments for Jiwon’s mic nights, all the plans and projects they dreamt of together. It was all a fool’s dream. What was he thinking this whole time? This wild idea to be a writer and run away with Jiwon? It was just a stupid immature dream. It’s time to get real.

His research, his drawings, his diaries, his notes….he tips them all into a box and hides them in the back of their wardrobe. He turns on his laptop and scrolls through all fifteen chapters of his book. He can barely recognise his own writing. What was the point of writing it now anyway? He’ll never get the chance to finish it.

He hits delete.

Like it never even happened.

****

Jiwon is elbow deep in an engine when Hanbin’s name flashes on his phone.

“Hey. You okay?”

“Hi.”

“I can’t hear you properly. Are you outside or something?”

“Yeah.”

He doesn’t know what it is but his heart races with anxiety. “Where are you?”

“Outside.”

“Where?”

“At the beach.”

“The beach? What are you doing down there? It’s freezing.”

“I don’t know. I was just driving and I ended up here.”

Hanbin’s voice sounds thin, hollow, distant. It’s the first time he’s worried to the point he actually feels sick. He never ignores his gut instincts, it’s never been wrong.

“Are you okay? Do you need me to come get you?”

There’s nothing but loud static for a few seconds.

“Hanbin?”

“Huh? What?”

“Do you want me to come get you?” He half shouts into his phone, causing the other guys in the garage to look up in awkward sympathy.

“Oh. Okay.”

“Just….wait for me okay? Don’t go anywhere. Just wait for me. Okay?” He says, not realising how desperate he sounds until he sees the looks of pity he gets.

“Okay.”

He hangs up and runs a hand through his hair. “Fuck.”

“Dude, just go. We’ll take it from here.” There’s a pat on his back as his manager pushes him gently outside. “Drive carefully.”

He doesn’t. And just because the universe must want them to suffer, he hits what seems like every single red light.

“FUCK!” He says, for the 5th time.

There’s relief when he finally sees Hanbin’s blue car in the empty parking lot but the driver’s side is empty. He parks haphazardly, stalking the area like a crazy person and only calming down when he can see a small figure in the distance, just standing and looking down at the waves. He grabs the spare blanket from the back seat and walks along the cliff edge, heart hammering in his throat the entire way.

“Hey….” He starts, not knowing what to say at a time like this. Hanbin doesn’t even look up.

“Hi.”

“So, um-”

“Did you know that there is actually more sea than land? And with global warming there’s going to be even more sea and less land? We’re all gonna drown one day unless we move into the mountains.”

It’s the most Hanbin has said all week.

“Oh, ah…no. I didn’t know that.”

The wind whips his hair in his face and he shivers even though he’s wearing a thick parka. Hanbin just stands there, facing the wind, in his thin jacket, looking at the water like it held all the answers to their problems. He barely even registers the blanket draped over his shoulders.

“Do you want to-”

“She knows. About you.”

“Who knows?”

“My mum. She knows.”

“How?”

“Someone saw us. Reported it back to her.”

“Well, did you deny it?”

“No.”

“What? Why?” He panics. “I thought you weren’t ready to tell them yet? What did she say?”

Hanbin laughs bitterly, it sounds awful. “We’ve got one week left. Better make it count.”

“One week? One week of what?”

Hanbin just shakes his head, like he can’t even say it out loud.

He reaches out to touch Hanbin’s fingers but there’s that recoil again. He feels the cold sting of rejection, just like the first time. Everything was so wrong.

“Hanbin? One week of what?”

There’s a long pause before Hanbin finally turns to face him. He wasn’t prepared for the hollow eyes, the miserable defeat, how tired that beautiful face had become. “One week of this.”

“I don’t get it-”

“They want me to break up with you! What is there to get?!” Hanbin snaps at him, eyes flashing angrily with irritation.

“Break up? What?” He asks, mind reeling and body aching, like someone just punched him in the chest. “Why? What happened?”

He watches Hanbin squeeze his eyes shut and pull at his hair in frustration. He hasn’t seen him revert back to his old habits in a long time. “I don’t know! There was some affair last year and my dad almost got fired. But then my mum lied for him. Lied and went on pretending like everything was normal. So he got promoted. And now there’s some promotion again and the annual fundraiser and I have to go to it with the CEO’s daughter. And I’m a total fucking embarrassment to them. And now I have you. And I’m…this. And apparently, it doesn’t go with the image they had. And….”

He listens in disbelief and waits until Hanbin has run out of breath. “Are you….are you serious? They want us to break up because of that?”

He knew it was the wrong thing to say as soon as it left his mouth.

“I don’t expect you to understand any of it.” Hanbin says, face twisting with disappointment.

“No, I do. I do.”

“No you don’t! How can you? Nobody expects you to do anything. You can just do what you want, when you want. Chase whatever dream you feel like. I can’t do that with you. Not now. Not ever!” Hanbin yells at him as the waves crash loudly against the cliff face below them.

“Why the fuck not?!” He shouts back, tired and done with being passive and sympathetic about this.

“Because I can’t! I just can’t!”

“Yes you can! I’m so fucking tired of pretending like it doesn’t bother me. You think I’m gonna just stay silent on this and let you walk away? Do you know how long it took me to find this? Nobody is taking this from us, not even you!”

He’s so caught up in the moment that he only stops when there’s a flash of pain across Hanbin’s face. He follows his hand to where it’s gripping Hanbin’s arm, maybe a bit too tightly. He lets go with a heavy sigh.

“Are you really just going to let them tell you what to do?” He asks in a calmer voice. “Are you serious?”

“It’s not worth it Jiwon. I’m so tired of all this. Maybe leaving-”

He throws his hands up in frustration. “I can’t fucking believe we’re having this conversation. I can’t believe it. It’s like I’m talking and you’re not hearing any of it.”

“I can hear you perfectly fine.” Hanbin says with irritation. “You just think life is simple. That if you’re in love with someone, that’s all there is to it.”

“It is.”

“Maybe for you.”

He kicks at the rock near their feet and has the strong urge to punch something in the face. “So what? We just stop seeing each other? Is that what you want?”

“It doesn’t even matter what I want.”

“Why won’t you fight for it? I’m not worth it to you? All this time and it’s this easy for you to walk away from me?” He knows he’s playing dirty, implying things that he knows aren’t even true but if this is how it’s going to go down, then this is how he’ll play it.

“You don’t get anything!” Hanbin snaps. “You don’t fucking get anything! You live in some fantasy land where there are no responsibilities or consequences. They hate you, do you get that? They hate that I’m with you. They hate me. They hate the way I am. If you stay with me, do you want to know what will happen? Do you?”

“WHAT?!” He replies hotly.

“They’re going to find out everything about you. Everything you’ve worked for, it’ll be gone. Your rap thing? Might as well give up now. And your parents? Your family? Everything is going to be a mess. It’s not a fight you can ever win.”

“You can’t know that. Who even does that? How can anyone do that-”

“They’ve done it before!”

That catches him by surprise and extinguishes the red heat of his rage. All this time, they have always been so caught up in his ex-relationships that not once have they ever talked about Hanbin’s. He realises he doesn’t know anything about anyone before him.

“Where is he now? The one before me.”

“I don’t know.” Hanbin replies quietly.

“I’m…I’m sorry.” He says pathetically, feeling every bit undeserving of everything.

Hanbin just shrugs. “Well, now you know the history. I’m tired. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

He follows Hanbin back to the parking lot in silence and watches as Hanbin walks to his own car and attempts to find the right keys and buttons with shaky fingers.

“Here, I’ll drive it back.” He says gently as he takes he keys into his own hands.

“But you can’t leave your car here. You love that thing.”

He opens his mouth to say something but it doesn’t come out.

Not like this. Not like this.

“It’s only a car.” He says with a shrug, hoping to convince Hanbin that it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t really, not if there’s nobody to drive around in it. “I’ll drive you home.”

****

It’s 8:40pm, The Walking Dead has just started and June has finally found the comfortable spot on their couch when there’s a loud knock on their door.

He groans.

“I’ll get it.” Yun says as he walks past.

But there’s nothing for a few seconds.

“Yun? Who is it? Yun?”

He wanders out into their hallway, Yun looks back at him with a sad frown before stepping aside so he can see the figure standing in the doorway.

Jiwon.

Red eyes, tired, way too quiet.

“Hey, um…sorry for dropping by but ah, I kinda don’t have anywhere to live right now.”

Chapter Text

Hanbin is back at work with a sense of dejà vu.

“So. It’s just…over?” Donghyuk asks gently.

He nods and looks out the window instead of making eye contact.

Donghyuk furrows his brows and chews on the take-away coffee cup in confusion. “Oh. I thought things were going well…..wait wait, that’s not important right now. How are you holding up? Do you want to talk about it or do you want to get back to work?”

He just shrugs and twirls his pen around his fingers. “I don’t know what I want. My head is like…I don’t even know. Like a bomb went off.”

“You don’t have to tell me but why did you guys break up?”

He sighs heavily. “My parents found out. I kind of went crazy.”

Donghyuk takes a sips and nods all knowingly, as usual. “Hmmm.”

“Was it the wrong decision?” He asks.

“Well. What do you think?”

“Of course it was the wrong decision.” He says quietly, almost to himself. “It was a stupid decision.”

“So why did you do it? If you knew it was wrong?”

The frustration and anger floods him all over again. “I don’t know Donghyuk! I don’t know! It was like, everyone wanted me to be something. My parents wanted a normal son. Jiwon wanted a normal boyfriend. They just all wanted something from me, constantly. I was just so pissed off at everyone. I just wanted everything to go away and leave me alone for a day.”

He starts drawing circles in his notebook and colouring them all in black. “I don’t deserve him anyway. He’s dealt with enough of my shit. All I did was hold him back from the life he should be living. He’s a rapper. What am I? Some boring writer just dragging him down with all this. I don’t know. It’s probably for the best. He’s probably sitting there wondering why he even bothered with me in the first place.”

Donghyuk stops nodding in agreeance. “Is that what he said?”

“No, he never said it but I know he must think it sometimes. Like when he can hear me lying to my mum on the phone. Or when people want to come over and I say no. He’s social. He likes people. I’m the opposite, all I want to do is stay home. The more I think about it, the more sense it makes. It’s better that we broke up before any real damage was done, you know?”

Donghyuk just sips his coffee in silence.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?”

“Only if you want me to…..”

He rolls his eyes. “Why would I tell you if I didn’t want your opinion? Do I look like I can figure anything out by myself right now?”

Donghyuk frowns before putting his cup on the table between them. “I’m not sure what to say but do you want to hear a story?”

He nods, relieved for a distraction at least.

“So, there used to be a writer here called Alex. He was from London and worked with us in the year before you started. We were inseparable after a month. It was just the biggest type of foolish love you could imagine. The type where you matched on every level there was to match on. He could already speak Korean but I insisted on learning English anyways and he’s probably the reason I can still speak it so well now. We used to co-write articles, all crazy concepts and unique ideas that really got Daily Grind more popular in the initial stages of the magazine. They’re part of the reason I got promoted so fast. Anyway, four months into it, the overanalytical-paranoia kicks in, and I ask about his ex-relationships. I didn’t want to know but I had to know, had to figure out where I stood in comparison. It turns out that his last few relationships were with all these mensa level professors and published authors. You know, of actual books and literature.”

“Sometimes it’s a mistake to dig into the past.” Donghyuk says with a shake of his head. “All it did was make me more afraid. After he told me I just felt small, like I was lacking physically, intellectually and in experience, like I didn’t fit his trend and was just some experiment. And here’s the messed up thing: I let everyone convince me it was true. That he was just going to eventually go back to being with what he’s always been with. Of course he was nice to me, he was in South Korea, what other choice did he have? So I friendzoned him instead of waiting around to get hurt. It didn’t make a difference, I got hurt anyway. What I completely did not understand was that he didn’t even think like that. He wasn’t looking for those guys any more. He was looking for regular me. By the time I figured this all out, it was too late. He had moved on and all I had to show for it was regret and some of the best pieces I will probably ever write.” 

“He was The Guy. I knew that from the beginning. In some ways, I’m always going to be looking for someone like him.“

There’s a long pause after Donghyuk finishes. “That’s the problem with people like us. We always end up with too many regrets. Life is easy if you let your brain decide everything, it’ll always reason and pick self-preservation. But reasoning doesn’t work when it comes to these things and the heart doesn’t know any logic or rational thought. It doesn’t care about self-preservation. That’s why they say, crazy in love.”

He thinks about Donghyuk’s words long after work finishes. He thinks about it as he eats alone, watches TV alone and sleeps alone. There’s no messy apartment to tidy up, no wrinkled shirts to iron, no mismatched socks to fold. He thought he wanted to be alone. He’s used to feeling alone. Alone protects him. But now? He can’t stand it anymore.

*****

“So, your apartment is still available if you want to move back.” Yun says over dinner. “I made a few enquiries today.”

He nods. “Yeah, thanks. I’ll, um, give them a call tomorrow.”

Yun reaches over to pat his back. “There’s no rush, you know that right? We’re happy to have you here until you sort things out a bit. It’s okay.”

“It’ll be like college all over again.” June says with a chuckle. “Only I’m less poor, Yun can cook more than instant ramen and grilled cheese toasties and you’re slightly cleaner. Slightly.”

They all laugh. It feels good to laugh, even if it’s just for a little while.

But after the distractions of work and playing video games with June or helping Yun tidy the kitchen, he’s alone again. Alone in the spare bedroom with all his belongings in a bag on the floor and staring at someone else’s ceiling. Even the traffic outside the window sounds different. Everything is different. And even though he’s known Yun and June for almost his entire life, this isn’t his home. He already has one.

Part of him still can’t believe it. Part of him is just waiting for Hanbin to answer his phone calls tomorrow. He doesn’t want to think about the other part. He can’t let himself think about it. It’s been so long since he let himself go to all those dark places and who knows how long it’d take him to get out of one again.

So, no.

He won’t believe it’s over.

He won’t until Hanbin gets married to someone else.

Then it’d be over.

But he doesn’t want to think about that either.

Turning over, he punches the pillow in frustration. “Arghhh!”

This is the cruelest part of a break-up; the thoughts. Loops and movies and highlight reels of moments, smiles, words, feelings. They play over and over again in his head and after awhile it’s nothing but torture. He wants to remember them, hold onto them, file them somewhere nobody can reach but at the same time, he wants them just to fade away and let him sleep.

But sleep doesn’t come easy anymore. Not when there’s no warm weight next to him and no-one clawing at his arm in the middle of the night.

He tries to think about the upcoming mic night instead but scrolling through all the half-finished verses on his phone just gets him more depressed. He’s written better, been better, and rapping about cars and money just seems trivial right now. It’s 2:30 when his eyes finally close out of exhaustion and in the darkness there are only images of Hanbin’s sad face staring at him as he leaves the apartment.

Sleep isn’t really sleep anymore.

He goes back to eating breakfast alone. There aren’t notes or sneaky Oreos snuck into his lunchbox. There aren’t any random messages on his phone to read and laugh at. No jokes over dinner or in bed. His entire being misses Hanbin but the worst thing, by far, is going to sleep alone and knowing that he’s just going to wake up alone in 6 hours.

His mind hangs on for a few days, it even makes it to a whole week, but everything falls apart by the second. That’s when he starts to believe that life without Hanbin might be permanent. So what if he feels sorry for himself? So what?

“Jesus, slow down Jiwon!” June says in exasperation and reaches over to take the shotglass from his fingers.

“Hey! I need that!” He tries to grab it back but the contents are already gone.

“I think you’ve had enough. How are you gonna perform like this?”

He shrugs. “I’ve been worse.”

June looks at him with skeptical concern. “You sure you wanna go on? You can just back out, say you’re sick or something. It’s just a mic night. Probably no record company scouts here.”

He shakes his head. “No, I want to do it.”

By the time the music kicks in he’s regretting it and wishes he had just listened to June after all. It’s not bad but it’s a mess, as if his heart was just bleeding erratically all over the stage. If he was any more sober he’d feel embarrassed but with 4 shots and a beer in his stomach, he can’t say there’s anything beyond the numbness.

Forget a promenade, let’s juggernaut down memory lane, 
Leave no thought alive, to the slaughter house I’m taking my pain
Time to sever my brain from my heart and soul
My knees are burning hot, but God is cold, I’ve been told

One day you’ll know too much of heaven’s a sin
After the show, it’s only hell that it brings
So take it slow and let time heal everything
They say that time flies, but you keep breaking its wings
You’ll never fade, fade to black
Please fade, fade to black
But the nightmares come back

-t.t

When it’s over he ignores everyone’s concerned looks and walks straight back to the bar.

“Shit, Kim. What’s up with the depressing lyrics?”

He looks up to see one of the rap competitors grinning at him. He can’t even remember the guy’s name and takes the time to swallow his gin before answering. “Just felt like it.”

“What have you even got to be depressed about anyway? You’ve been killing it lately, even Mino’s getting scared. Hey, where’s that guy you’re with?”

He clenches his jaw. “Not here.”

“Why? He dump your ugly ass?” The guy jokes.

He doesn’t answer. Just shakes his head and keeps drinking.

The guy doesn’t stop talking and it grates on his already frayed nerves. “His fucking face, man. Half the guys backstage want to fuck his face, the other half want to fuck-”

He remembers reaching the bottom of his glass of gin before his right fist connects with a slackened jaw. There’s a sickening crunch and collapse of bone as the guy stumbles back in shock.

They just stare at each other for a second before launching forward, fists swinging and connecting with anything within reach. A punch to the gut, knuckles across his left eyebrow, nails scratching a trail down his face and finally, a knee into his chest that has him falling head first into the corner of a table and splitting his lip. 

He ignores the nose bleed, the taste of blood in his mouth, the bursts of pain every time his fist hits the face beneath him. He had it coming. They both had it coming. 

“JIWON! What the fuck-”

June’s loud voice rings in his ears before four strong arms eventually pull him away from the fight. His left eye is swollen and his vision blurry but he can see security dragging the other guy in the opposite direction. 

“No wonder he dumped your ass. You’re nothing but a fucking loser!” The guy shouts at him through a mouth full of bloody teeth. 

He makes to stand up again but June’s hard face comes into view. “NO. ENOUGH.”

Yun stands in the middle, placating security and the club’s management with the kind of diplomacy and level-headed intelligence that both he and June lack. His shirt is roughly peeled off and used in some vain attempt to slow down the bleeding.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Is this is how you’re gonna act now?” June asks. It comes out more sad than scolding and that just makes him feel worse somehow.

Yun eventually comes over with a stern face and hurried words. “We need to get out of here right now. You’re lucky they like you so much.”

He lets them lead him through the club, right past the half-cheering half-judging crowd, and buckle him into the backseat of June’s black Audi. 

His right hand is twisted, swollen, deformed. He looks at it with fascination, knowing somewhere in the back of his mind that it would be screaming out in pain if not for the industrial levels of alcohol in his system. 

“I can’t believe this!” Yun exclaims from the driver’s seat. “I can’t believe this is how tonight ended. He’s lucky that that other guy is stupid and won’t remember enough to press charges.”

June shakes his head. “That other guy is a dick. I know him. He was probably starting some shit as usual. He’s done it before. It must’ve been something really bad for Jiwon to do that.” 

“Don’t defend him June!” Yun replies in irritation. “That other guy might be a dick but what about our guy? He dislocated a jaw. That’s hardly something to be proud of!”

“I’m not defending him! You’re talking like he just randomly decided to punch a dude in the face. He’s not like that.”

The car lurches forward abruptly as Yun breaks hard at the red light. “I know he isn’t! Don’t you talk like I don’t know him too! I’ve known him almost as long as you have.”

Jiwon sighs from the backseat. He always thought he was a good person. He was a good person wasn’t he? So why was he ruining everything around him?

“Let’s just get him to the hospital. We’ll talk about the rest at home.”

Hospital.

What.

“I don’t need to go to a hospital-” He starts.

“Yes, you do.” Yun says, warning and finality loud and clear in his voice. “And if either of you have a problem with it, so help me God, I will end you both right now.”

****

He gets a Emergency Department resident stitching him up. It hurts more that the actual fight.

“Rough night huh?”

“Something like that.”

“Get into a fight?”

“Yep.”

“Wasn’t over a girl was it?” The resident teases him with a crooked smile. “Please tell me it was a better story than that.”

He chuckles and lets himself relax a bit. “No. It wasn’t over a girl. It was over a guy.”

“Oh yeah? What’s his name?”

“Hanbin. You know how everyone thinks their boyfriend is the best guy on the planet? Well, he is actually is the best guy on the planet. Too good for me anyway.”

“So, what did he think of all this?” 

He can feel the pull of the sutures against his left eyebrow. It was weird and foreign and everything just felt so strange right now. “He wasn’t even there. We broke up. I got into a fight and he wasn’t even there to see it.”

“Well, this might leave a scar. Show him that.” The resident says, sitting back after he’s tied the last suture and applied a bandage over the top. “Guys loves scars don’t they?”

Jiwon laughs again, he likes this guy. “I’ll be even uglier than when he left me.”

The resident stands and starts clearing away the examination table. “If he’s the right guy, he’ll come back and not even notice the new level of ugly. Now. Let’s see this hand of yours.”

It’s a mess. Bruised, swollen and-

“Broken.” 

“Broken?” He echoes in disbelief. 

The resident nods and points out the fracture on his xrays. “Fifth metacarpal. Also know as a Boxer’s Fracture. Luckily for you there’s minimal angulation or rotation.”

“And that’s good?”

“Yes. You won’t need reduction or surgery. And it’s not an open fracture so all you’ll need for it to heal is time. I’m going to apply a support bandage and get you a sling for elevation.”

He nods and watches as his hand disappears behind layers of white crepe bandaging. 

No home. No boyfriend. And now, with his broken hand, probably no job.

Thank God they gave him morphine.

“Remorse?”

“Yeah.”

“People do crazy things for love.”

“Yeah, I know. You ever done anything crazy, doc?”

There’s a pause before the bandaging continues. “Well, I got into med school to impress a girl and to convince her parents to let us date. She left me for some long haired musician by second year. All I have to show for it is this medical degree, a stable job and my Lexus.” 

They both laugh. 

“Damm, that’s cold though. Did you forgive her?”

The resident tapes up the ends of the bandage. “Over time. I could never resent her anyway. She changed my life. Some pains are just worth it in the end.”

****

“You’re a cliche.”

Jiwon is hearing things. 

He must be. 

“A stupid cliche.”

And tripping hard on the morphine they gave him.

He turns over and sits up too fast, causing his head to spin, vision to black-out and headache to spike behind his left eye. “Argh….”

A hand pushes his shoulder until he’s lying against the hospital bed again. “Stay down.”

That voice. He knows that voice. 

He loves that voice.

“My head hurts.” He groans, eyes still shut to calm down the vertigo.

“Probably from carrying around that big brain all day.”

When the world stops moving, he opens his eyes, blinks a few times to get rid of the blur and once his vision clears, Hanbin’s face comes into view, like a picture from a dream. 

That must be the morphine talking.

“Are you really here? What are you doing here? Why are all dressed up?”

He takes in the crisp white shirt, pressed black pants and neatly styled hair. He has never seen Hanbin dressed up like this. This is a fever dream. Or maybe his batch of morphine was spiked with LSD.

“I heard some rapper got into a fight. It was all over the news.” Hanbin says with a shrug. 

His eyes widen. “I was on the news?”

Hanbin shakes his head with a small smile. “No. June told me. What the hell were you-”

“Okay, Jiwon. You’re free to go!” The resident walks back into his cubicle holding a box of pain medication and discharge papers, only halting when he sees Hanbin. “Oh. Hello. I’m Dr. Lee. And you must be…”

“This is Hanbin.” Jiwon says.

“Ohhh. You’re The Hanbin. Right right.”

It’s the drawn out ‘oh’ that has Hanbin furrowing his brows in confusion. “Yes….hello. Um, thank you for taking care of him. So he can go now?”

“Yes. But he came with two others. Will they-”

Hanbin shakes his head. “I sent them home. I’ll take him.”

“Oh good!” The resident says with a smile. When Hanbin isn’t looking Jiwon swears he saw a wink thrown in his direction. 

He then watches as Hanbin listens to the instructions on medication use and reads the letter detailing future follow up appointments. Where was June? Where was Yun? Why was Hanbin even here? 

“Well, good luck Jiwon.” The resident says with a knowing grin before leaning closer to his ear and whispering, “Looks like it was worth it in the end, huh?”

He looks over his shoulder to see Hanbin folding his bloody shirt away and reaching into a bag to pull out a clean hoody. 

“Yeah.”

But if he thought their reunion was going to be some beautiful montage of hugs and apologies, he was sadly mistaken. 

“What were you thinking? Were you even thinking?” Hanbin rants at the wheel as they drive down the highway. “What if the other guy makes a report to the police? And you were drunk? I’ve seen you drunk. You’re all useless drunk. How can you even fight drunk?”

He lets Hanbin talk and finds himself smiling out the window as the world whizzes by. 

“Why are you smiling? Is this funny to you? Yeah, it’s really funny getting a text saying you were at the hospital with an emergency. And June! He didn’t even reply for 10 minutes about why you were there so I got a speeding ticket and heart attack on the way. He can pay for it. No! YOU can pay for it. Well, no you can’t. How are you even going to go to work with a broken hand. A broken hand, Jiwon! Jesus.”

They get to a red light and he starts giggling at the absurdity of the entire situation. It really doesn’t help Hanbin’s mood.

“This isn’t cool. You could’ve really injured a guy. You could’ve really injured yourself! Did you even think about that?” Hanbin asks, distress etched all over his face. 

He stops laughing as the guilt begins to eat away at him. “But I’m fine. I’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, you’ll be just fine. What about me, huh? Not like I’ve been mentally unstable lately or anything. I really love having to think about you dying or something.”

“I’m sorry.” He says as the light turns green. 

Hanbin looks over at him, eyes softening for a moment before changing gears. “It’s okay.” 

He watches Hanbin drive for a few minutes and it hits him: this is the first time he’s been in the passengers seat in Hanbin’s car. Hanbin hates driving anywhere so why was he even driving now?

“Why did you send June and Yun home? They could’ve taken me. I’m staying there anyway. It doesn’t make any logical sense for you to come all this way-”

“I didn’t come because of logic.” Hanbin says. 

He doesn’t get it. “So why did you come?”

“I just….I just thought something happened to you.”

“So what? You came because you were curious?” 

Hanbin shakes his head in frustration, his knuckles white and tense at the wheel. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I didn’t want to end things like this.”

It hits a nerve. “Like what? Things already ended. You told me to leave, remember?”

“And you’re the one that left!” Hanbin snaps.

“I left because you told me to!” He snaps back. “You said you wanted time alone! I didn’t do it because I wanted to leave.”

The cars pulls up into a familiar driveway. 

He just stares out the window before turning towards the driver’s side. “How sick are you? Or do you just like it when we suffer?”

“What?” Hanbin looks at him in confusion.

He gestures out the window and points up to the fourth floor. “Why did you drive me back here? To remind me of everything I’m not allowed to have? No offence but I think I’m all maxed out on bad luck tonight, okay? I’ll walk back to June’s if I have to.” 

He tries to take off his seatbelt but his right hand is bandaged and it’s too awkward reaching around the sling with his left. Not that it stops him from trying. 

“Jiwon. Stop…stop…” Hanbin’s words are soft, scared, sad. He has to ignore it. He can’t get dragged back into this game where all he does is lose. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I just wanted to take care of you. It should be me.”

“Why should it be you? Why?!” He can hear the sharp edges in his voice. He’ll regret this later. He regrets it now. “I don’t want your pity, okay? You think you can just tell me you don’t want me one minute then suddenly decide to come back when you feel guilty? You can’t do that to people! You can’t play with them like that! Do you really think I’m going to just sit here…..”

He finally struggles out of the seatbelt and gets out of the car. 

“I’m not! That’s not what I’m doing.” Hanbin scrambles out of his seat to follow him down the driveway. “Can you just stop and listen for a minute!?”

He stops walking as they get to the corner of the road. His mind is spinning and the thoughts inside his head are all jumbled by the alcohol and drugs in his system. “Fine. But no more bullshit, Hanbin. Say what you need to say. I can’t think about this anymore. It’s fucking killing me.”

“I just….I came to take you home.” 

“Why?”

He knows it’s cruel, putting Hanbin on the spot like this, he can see the struggle on his face but it’s too late, they were too far gone and he needs to know. Now or never.

“Because….I wanted you home.” 

He looks at Hanbin’s scared face and takes a step towards him. “Why?”

“Because I missed you.”

He shakes his head and keeps walking. “Not good enough. Why?”

“You know why.” 

He stops when they’re only an arms length away. “I told you, no more bullshit. Why did you come?”

To his credit, Hanbin doesn’t look away this time. The scared expression replaced with some kind of quiet defiance. “I came to get you back. I wanted you to come back.”

He wasn’t expecting Hanbin to be that blunt and honest. “Why?” He says, softer this time.

Hanbin scowls and punches him on the arm. “Now you’re just being annoying.”

He grins smugly, causing the cut on his lip to bleed again. “Yeah, I know. But tell me. Just this once.”

Hanbin rolls his eyes and sighs before reaching out to dab at the cut with the sleeve of his shirt. “Because I like you. You asshole.”

He uses his good arm to pull Hanbin forward until they’re inches apart. “See, it wasn’t that hard right?”

Hanbin grimaces, pretends to resist. “Because you weren’t the one saying it.”

“Okay. My turn, then?”

“No, you don’t have to say anything…”

“I’m an asshole and I like you too.”

The small dimple-smile that he gets in return is worth every hit he took. He holds Hanbin’s face with his good hand, taking his time to remember everything again. Just in case.

“Hi, baby.”

“Hi.” 

“Wanna go home now?”

“Yeah.”

Hanbin’s fingers find his, their bodies fitting neatly against each other’s as they walk back up the street and take the familiar stairs to the fourth floor. 

He lets out a loud sigh when they step inside the apartment. He was only gone for two weeks but it felt like so much longer. He missed everything, even the stupid wall clock that always ticks too loudly. He really just wants to dive head first into their bed but the grip on his arm pulls him from going any further. 

“You’re all sweaty and bloody. It’s kinda gross.” Hanbin says, screwing up his nose. 

He yawns, suddenly overcome by exhaustion as the long day catches up with him. Toeing off his Jordans he’s surprised at the way his feet automatically jam themselves into the Winnie The Pooh slippers by the door. They never even moved from their position in the line-up. 

He doesn’t remember that much after that. Hanbin draws him a bath, tapes a plastic bag around his right hand and makes him sit in the warm bubbles. He rests his head on a stack of towels and blinks sleepily. 

“I haven’t had anyone give me a bath since I was a kid.”

“You’re still a kid.”

Hanbin’s fingers massage his scalp gently and he sighs as the warm water runs down his skin. “Mmmm, it’s nice.” 

“Jiwon?”

“Hrmm?”

“What happened at the club?”

“Some guy was talking shit.”

“That deserves a punch in the face does it?”

“He was talking shit about you.”

The damp towel scrubbing at the dried blood near his jaw pauses for a split second. “So what? You’re going to start a fight with every guy who talks shit about me?”

He shrugs. “Maybe. Depends on the shit.”

“Stupid…..so stupid….” Hanbin mutters. 

He hums in agreeance. 

“Hey, you got blood all over Richard Parker.” Hanbin says, holding out his right arm and scrubbing at all the dried blood splattered over his tiger tattoo. “Makes him look badass.”

“He was already a badass. He knows maths.”

Hanbin laughs and Jiwon smiles into the stack of towels, it splits his lip again but some pains really are worth it in the end.

Chapter Text

There are regular sighs of relief and then there’s the sigh of relief Jiwon drowns in as soon as he sinks into their bed for the first time in nearly two weeks.

Hanbin smirks in his direction but he doesn’t care how lame this happiness makes him. He wants Hanbin to know.

“You are so dramatic.” Hanbin says as he tucks the sheets around him. “Everyone expects it to be me but it’s always you.”

He stretches out and yawns loudly. “Well, I have a lot of good reasons to be. You’re the first ten.”

Hanbin groans in embarrassment as he climbs in bed. “That’s disgusting.”

There’s silence for a few moments as they both settle back into this life again. Part of him thought it’d be weird and awkward, like two strangers sharing a common space out of obligation but it surprises him in a way, how easily they can go from sharp and ugly arguments to the soft-comfortable warmth of ‘Hanbin and Jiwon’ again. 

He sighs a second time. He’s lucky. He knows. Whoever is looking out for him has his eternal gratitude. 

“Are you just going to sigh your way through the rest of our lives?”  Hanbin asks, amused.

“Yep.”

“I’m really looking forward to it.” 

“The rest of our lives?”

“No. You sighing.”

He kicks at Hanbin’s ankles under the sheets. “Don’t be rude. I’m injured.”

Hanbin giggles and rolls over to snuggle right up against his left arm again. It’s weird how much he was waiting for it and how, out of all the million things he missed when they were apart, this was right up there near the top. 

Sleep beckons him closer and closer but there’s still a thought that has been gnawing away at him all night.

“Hey, um. Can I ask you something?” He starts apprehensively.

“Yeah?”

“Where did you come from? I mean, why were you all dressed up when you came to the hospital?”

Hanbin is restless next to him and for a split second he gets the sinking feeling that they’re about to have their third argument but after finding the right spot under the sheets, Hanbin just ends up shifting closer.

“I was at my dad’s company dinner.” 

It’s a simple reply. As if it was no big deal at all. He didn’t know what kind of answer he was expecting but it definitely wasn’t that.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, if they didn’t already hate me before they’re really going to hate me now aren’t they?”

He can feel Hanbin shrug his shoulders. “We can’t do anything about that. I’m done arguing with them though. I’m so tired of it.” 

“What do you mean done?” He asks, rolling over so they’re facing each other. “They’re okay with this now?”

Hanbin laughs and looks at him with a world-weary expression. “No, we’re still fighting about this but I’m just trying to ignore it now. I mean, it’s not working that well but I can’t think about it anymore. I can’t let that happen again. It kind of messed me up for awhile. You probably notice….”

He nods. To say he merely ‘noticed’ would be an understatement. “How come you changed your mind all the sudden though? Did something happen at the dinner?”

Hanbin just shakes his head. There’s a long pause before he says something again.

****

“Ten days isn’t a long time.” Hanbin starts carefully. “But it really felt like it.”

“I know.” Jiwon replies.

“And this whole day just felt like three days rolled into one. Like it was longer than 24 hours.”

Jiwon’s fingers find his and it takes him by surprise, how much his body always subconsciously misses Jiwon’s touch. Even the smallest things still set off an army of butterflies in his stomach.

“You want to tell me about it?”

There’s no desire to relive the last 6 hours all over again but he owes Jiwon this. He owes their relationship this.

“Okay…but I just want to say that I’m not making excuses for myself and I’m not blaming anybody. I just want to say that before I start.” His voice is shaky at first but it gets easier and more steady as he continues. “Well. You know I kind of went crazy. It started with that Mic Night at the start of the month, the one you won. I was so happy for you and I was so proud of you or something, not that I had any role in you winning but I don’t know, it was just nice to share that kind of thing with you. I haven’t really had that with anybody before.”

“You’re kinda selling yourself short there-”

“No, don’t interrupt me! Just let me get it all out then you can say whatever you want.”

“Okay….” 

“So straight after the Mic Night I was on some kind of high but then my mum called to say that she knew about us. After that, it just all went to shit to be honest. It was like eating a ton of sugar for days and days then suddenly getting the withdrawal crash. I didn’t know how to deal with it. My mind wasn’t right. I was just used to feeling nothing for a long time.”

He pauses, wondering if he’s said too much or if Jiwon thinks he’s just offloading all his problems onto him. The pause stretches on for too long and he’s debating whether or not to just end it right there but then he feels rough fingers squeezing his own under the sheets. 

“It’s okay. Tell me, I want to know.” Jiwon turns off the beside light and rests a chin against his right shoulder. He always feels safer in the dark. 

“I’ve pretty much always been a disappointment to my parents. All the guilt just caught up with me I guess. I felt like I got so lucky with you that I needed pay my dues somehow or make some kind of sacrifice for all the good things that were happening. I know it doesn’t make a lot of sense but that’s why I let my parents take control of my life. I felt like I owed them. I wanted to do this thing and be normal for them.”

“I’m not blaming them.” He reiterates again. “Not really. It’s not their fault I turned out so messed up.”

“But I don’t care if you are. It’s kind of a package deal Hanbin. It wouldn’t be the same if we were different people.” Jiwon says. “And I don’t want it any differently.”

“I know. I know.” He nods even though it’s dark. “Anyway, they set me up with the CEO’s daughter, Eunji, and I had to take her to the company dinner. I hate myself for going along with that stupid fake charade. I let her believe that it was a real date and that she had a chance. But that was probably the theme for night because everyone there was pretending to be something that they’re weren’t and trying please people that they didn’t even like. I felt so stupid sitting next to her but she turned out to be a better person than me because after the third or fourth question, she figured out that I liked you.”

“How could she figure that out? She doesn’t know me.”

He sighs. “Apparently every second word out of my mouth was your name. We got lucky with her. She was good about it and I really owe her one for covering my ass.”

“Sounds like it turned out okay. Did something else happen?”

“Both of our parents were hovering around like flies all night. They just made her feel worse and worse because they kept talking about how she’s had a crush on me since we were kids and how she and I could take over the company and keep it in the family. After she figured out that we really weren’t on a romantic date she just gave me the saddest look and that’s when I felt like the shittiest person in the world. She just sat there all night, smiling and pretending to be happy at the same time that I was there pretending to be normal. I guess we were both controlled by our parents and in the end, neither of us were happy. I can’t let that happen again. She’s a good person. She deserves better than a lie.”

Jiwon hums in sympathy and presses a kiss on his shoulder. “So do you.”

“She accidentally read the text June sent me and told me to go see you. I think she told my parents I was sick and went home, not that it stopped them from calling my phone every two minutes to leave angry rants about responsibility and family honor. Those were fun to listen to.”

“I never got to thank Eunji though. I need to do that. Maybe I’ll just send her flowers for the rest of her life.” He muses. “Before I left she asked me why I was wasting my time pretending to be something I’m not and how pretending to be normal isn’t a victimless crime. You just drag everyone into your lie. Anyway, you asked me why I changed my mind about you? I never changed my mind about you. I never changed how I felt about you. I was just too messed up and stupid to admit it and fight for it.”

When he finishes, there’s silence again. Jiwon’s fingers are slack in his grip and the only sound in the room is even breathing and the distant, reassuring traffic from the streets below them. 

He doesn’t know when Jiwon fell asleep but at least he got say everything out loud instead of carrying it around for another month. At least he’s trying to break his bad habits.

****

The knocks and phone calls start at 7am. 

“URGH! What the fuck! Who is even up this early!” Jiwon groans into his pillow and buries himself under all their blankets. 

“It’s them.”

“Who?”

“My parents.”

Jiwon freezes under the blankets and turns around slowly to face him with sleepy eyes, messy hair and a dopey confused expression. If he needed any more strength and courage to face his parents, he was looking right at it.

“What? What are they doing here?”

He sits up. “Surveillance probably. Stay in here, I’ll….um, deal with them.”

Jiwon’s fingers pull him back for a moment and there’s a brief millisecond of clear, sharp focus in his eyes. “If there’s yelling, I’m coming out there.”

He shakes his head. “I’ll be okay. Go back to sleep.”

He throws on Jiwon’s red plaid shirt and pads out to open the door. There’s barely a chance to get out a greeting before they’re all over him with the questions. 

“Are you really sick?” His mother asks, skeptical but trying to hide it. “Eunji said you went home early because you were sick?”

“Um, a little bit.” It wasn’t a complete lie.

His father barrels right past him into the apartment “Is that why she was all alone by the end of the dinner? Do you know how embarrassing that was for us! Her father made a joke but you know he’s not impressed.”

“I left because I wasn’t feeling well and she said she was going to go home early anyway.”

His father rolls his eyes and throws his hands up in frustration. “That’s not the point Hanbin! The point it you show up and act accordingly. You are a representative of this family and I won’t have you running around like a misbehaving child. It was an important dinner, we only reminded you of it every week.” 

They wander into the living room and that’s when his carelessness betrays him. Jiwon’s blood shirt is still on the side table. 

“What is that?” His father asks. 

His mum looks at him with knowing and disappointed eyes. “He’s back here isn’t he?”

He doesn’t even bother answering her. 

“Who’s back where?!” His father asks, looking between the two of them. 

“Tell him.” His mum says simply, sitting down on the couch, as if exhausted by defeat and resignation. 

“Tell me what?”

He swallows the lump in his throat. 

Courage. 

Courage. 

He can do this. 

He needs to do this.

“That shirt….it belongs to…someone I’m living with. We’re….together.” He says quietly.

His father just laughs. “You must be joking, Hanbin? This again? Haven’t we already been through this? You can’t-”

“I can!”

“Oh here we go. Suddenly you’re all grown up now are you? Are you going to live here and play house with this guy? I suppose you’re going to tell me he’s a stand-up citizen. Of course he is, especially if he leaves his bloody shirts all over your apartment.” His father paces around the living room, irritation colouring every gesture and word. “Wait. Is he the reason you left last night? You left to deal with whatever that was?”

“He was in the hospital-”

“OH! He was in the hospital.” His father mimics condescendingly. “So you’re just his little lap dog now are you? You leave important family engagements to deal with ridiculous things with this boy? Is that it?”

He tries, with everything inside him, to not get angry or resort to a shouting match but with each passing minute, his resolves gets thinner and thinner. 

“I don’t understand you. Haven’t you learnt anything over the years? You can’t hope to live a normal life like that. Why do you want to make your life harder? Is he older than you? Did he tell you that he loved you or some nonsense? Fed you some story about being special and fighting the world together? It’s rubbish and you know it. You always think it’s real.”

“It is real!” He says through clenched teeth as his fist gets tighter and tighter, nails now digging painfully into his palms.

There’s a patronising laugh again. “Is it now? Is that what you think? I thought you were smarter than this. You’re barely an adult. How do you even know what love is? How do you even know?”

“Because I know.”

“No. You just think you know. There’s a difference. You just think-”

“I don’t think it!” He shouts, rage suddenly bubbling up inside him. “I KNOW IT.”

Both his parents look at him in shock. He looks right back at them, body shaking uncontrollably and heartbeat deafening in his ears. 

“Unbelievable.” His father just shakes his head and storms out of the apartment, slamming the door loudly behind him. 

His mother sighs heavily, shoulders sagging from the weight of the family’s worries. He lets the guilt wash over him again. She walks over to kiss him on the cheek, pausing for a moment after, her mouth poised to say something but at the last second, she just shakes her head and leaves quietly.

His heart races on in his chest and he rubs at the spot with a shaky hand, as if it’d soothe the ache in some way (it doesn’t). Walking on wobbly legs doesn’t get him very far but it’s just far enough for him to walk into waiting arms. He leans into the warmth and lets Jiwon hold him up.

“How much of that did you hear?”

There are lips against his shoulder, the words felt more than heard. “All of it.”

He gets turned around so they’re facing each other. “I’m sorry….”

Jiwon strokes his cheek with his good hand. “What for?”

“I don’t know.” He says as he tries to bury himself into Jiwon’s chest. 

“It’s gonna be okay. I’m so fucking proud of you. I can’t believe you just did that.” Jiwon says with a mixture of quiet amusement and awe. “You got some crazy brave genes. It’s gonna be genetic you know. Everybody always expects the crazy one to be me but it’s actually you.”

“You’re the one who punched a guy in the face.”

“So did you. Just not with your fist.”

They were both crazy and his mind is a mess again with a million and one thoughts all racing and crashing into each other. All his words get stuck in the doorway and even if he wanted to say something, nothing comes out. 

But it’s different this time. Instead of getting blown around by the storm around him, he’s standing in the middle, where there’s solid ground under his feet and an anchor to reality. Instead of feeling gray, he can feel colour seeping back into his life. 

This time everybody knows.

Everybody knows and he’s still alive. Jiwon is still here. Nothing changed.

Except that that’s not true. Nothing changed but in a way, everything changed. 

Jiwon knows.

Jiwon knows. 

He lets Jiwon carry him back to bed and doesn’t argue when he can feel those eyes watching him fall back to sleep. 

Jiwon is the middle of his storm. The immovable object that constantly meets all the unstoppable forces in his life. Jiwon is colour. Red, like the shirt they both share and the blood that had been spilled. 

Somehow he always knew October would be like this.

He falls asleep slowly, thoughts all starting and ending with the same thing. 

Chapter Text

There’s silence from Hanbin’s parents. He’s surprised but grateful for the emotional reprieve because God knows they both needed it badly.  

The tension in Hanbin’s shoulders slowly melts away after awhile, like he’s just too tired to think about that anymore, like he’s closed that book and put it back on the shelf to revisit at some other time when he’s ready for it.

They distract themselves with other things. Hanbin helps him move back in and it’s organised chaos all over again but at least when he falls to sleep at night, it feels exactly like it used to. Like life goes back to normal again.

Sort of.

His hand is still broken and at some point he knows he’s going to have to tell the garage that it’s going to take longer than 2 weeks to heal. He doesn’t really know what to do about that but the relief of moving back into Hanbin’s apartment and life momentarily drowns out all the worries that float around his head.

Hanbin worries enough for the both of them anyway.

“When are we going to tell the garage? There are other options though right? I’m sure there are options. There are always options.” Hanbin says as he gets their dinner ready. “I’ll think of something.”

“Since when were you the optimistic one?” He asks, stealing a piece of cucumber from the chopping board.

“Since I agreed to stay with you.” Hanbin smirks. “It’s necessary for survival.”

It’s just a broken hand but it changes so many things. Hanbin was always better at feeding them and he still does that but the meals start coming pre-cut and pre-sliced into bite sized pieces, like his mum used to do for him as a kid. The chopsticks and knives are gone, replaced by forks and scissors that only need one functioning hand to operate. The slippery glass tumblers stay in the cupboard and suddenly they’re drinking out of mugs with thick handles because his left hand is too uncoordinated and Hanbin gets tired of cleaning juice off the counter.

“Why don’t you just get me a sippy cup?” He jokes.

“They didn’t have them in adult sizes.” Hanbin says casually.

“Jesus, Hanbin. I was kidding…..”

Things in the bathroom change too. The Disney toothbrush gets replaced with an electric one. All the bars of soap get replaced by the liquid versions that come out of those pump bottles. But the one thing that can’t be replaced with an appliance is his ability to wash his hair properly and reach the other side of his body. As it turns out, Hanbin thought of a solution for that too.

They’re in the bath again and he’s sitting between Hanbin’s legs, just quietly savouring the feeling of having someone else washing his hair and taking care of him like he was something worth taking care of.

“How’s the hand?” Hanbin asks.

He looks at it in the warm soapy water. It was already healing and most of the swelling had gone down. “It’s okay.”

Soft considerate fingers trace around all the tattoos on his back; the cross, the code, the quote that Hanbin still hasn’t asked him about.

“Think you can shower yourself now?”

“Well. I haven’t really tried to….I don’t want to like re-injure it or anything now that it’s better. Not that it’s really better. It’s still broken….”

He mumbles his way through a too-long-too-vague answer and he can hear the amusement in Hanbin’s voice.

“If you like the baths, just say it Jiwon.”

“I like the baths.” He admits, mostly to himself because Hanbin just laughs and calls him lame.

I like being close to you.

****

Being unemployed is good for a short amount of time. As soon as Hanbin kisses him goodbye and leaves for work, he binge watches TV shows, anime, movies, rap documentaries and animal planet. He eats all the boxes of food Hanbin leaves in the fridge for him and laughs at the notes that get written across across the lids.

[this is for lunch, you better not be eating this now xh]

But after awhile, his brain starts to go stale and it’s time to deal with the long list of things he’s been ignoring for the past two weeks: work, new verses for the upcoming mic night, trying not to screw up their relationship for a third time…

He picks the lesser of the three evils and opens up a blank note page on his phone.

Minutes pass but nothing comes out. The cursor blinks with hopeful expectation but no inspiration. He told Hanbin about the next mic night over breakfast, downplaying the significance because there’s no reason for both of them to be nervous wrecks all week. Now that he’s alone, he lets his mind chew through all the thoughts: it wasn’t just another rap battle, it was a showcase without prizes but rumours have been circulating that there would be a few hidden record scouts there looking for the next underground wildcard. He can’t fuck it up. Not again.

There’s a big window in their bedroom that overlooks the streets below. In the evening he knows Hanbin likes to sit and watch the sunset over the rooftops with that unreadable expression on his face. Another faraway look from a faraway place that he will never know about. But that’s okay. That’s one for Hanbin to keep to himself.

He’s always written better with pen and paper and crawls over to their wardrobe to dig around his bag for the Cinderella notebook that Hanbin let him steal.

And that’s when he sees it, right at the very back and behind all their clothes and shoes, there’s a box that he doesn’t remember being there before.

It’s full of Hanbin’s research papers for the book he was writing. There are pages and pages of printed out references, scrawled reminders on the back of old envelopes, ideas on dog-eared post-it notes and a copy of Norwegian Wood so battered that the spine was barely attached to the worn-out cover. There’s a folded piece of paper used as a bookmark, it looks like a page torn from a notebook, the writing faded in pencil, the paper uneven, like it got wet then dried then got wet again.

He doesn’t want to read it.

He knows he shouldn’t.

But he does.

No matter how far you travel, you can never get away from yourself.

I tried but at every corner I still find the old me, the one you will get bored of, forget and walk away from.

Maybe I will find you again somewhere across the Universe.

-H.M

He tucks the note back into the old pages of the book and pushes the box back into the shadows of their wardrobe.

Then he sits, exactly where Hanbin does in the afternoons, and looks out the same window and across the same rooftops. The quiet waves of melancholia lap at his feet and he feels so protective of this fragile thing between them, now more than ever, but at the same time, it always walks hand-in-hand with all his frustrations.

Why can’t he make Hanbin any happier? How many days pass where he fails to convince Hanbin that he will never leave again? Will they go through the rest of their lives caught in some exhausting one-sided story? Will he spend the next 20 years repeating the same words over and over until Hanbin pretends to believe him?

He writes his verses after that. All five of them.

The world doesn’t change just because he’s in a different mood. There’s no bittersweet sunset to stare at or sad orchestra playing, there’s just clear blue sky, the rustling of trees and the reassuring flow of everyday traffic. Life goes on. He needs to remember that. He needs to let Hanbin be who he needs to be and maybe that person is just someone who just needs to write out all his feelings in order to make sense of them.

That’s something they have in common.

****

At some point his mic nights become a family affair, like birthdays, doctors appointments and Christmas. The dates written down in Yun’s diary, typed into June’s schedule at the tattoo shop and circled in red on Hanbin’s calendar.

He’d never tell June out loud, he’s not ready to be laughed at for 2 years again, but they are his new family now. He’s floated through life for so long, pulled along by gravity and the flow of the current, that he forgot what it felt like to have a family-one that doesn’t just grab at his foot and drag him back down to Earth but one that just lets him keep floating to wherever he wants to float to and gives him a string to tie to his finger so he can find his way home when he needs to.

He’s grateful for all of them.

Sort of.

“Didn’t you say it was a showcase? Why aren’t you wearing that shirt I got you at Christmas? Instead of….whatever this is.” Yun points condescendingly at the white shirt he buttons up. “What if you get signed? Don’t you want to look your best?”

He rolls up the sleeves, just enough to clear Richard Parker’s tail. “No, I just want to look like myself? If they’re gonna sign me, I want them to know what they’re getting.”

Yun rolls his eyes and June snorts in the background. They were truly one person. “Yes and it doesn’t matter who wins right? Because just competing is enough?” June says sarcastically. “What kind of hippie bullshit….”

Hanbin comes out of their bedroom in blue jeans, a white t-shirt and a black jacket hanging off one shoulder. They all stop talking at the same time. He can’t look at Hanbin through anything other than slightly delusional rose-coloured filters so it’s reassuring in a way, to know Hanbin has a similar effect on other people.

He knows he’s not the superstar in their relationship.

“What?” Hanbin asks, fingers pulling at the sleeves of his jacket nervously.  

Yun clears his throat. “Your boyfriend looks like a scrub. Why does he insist on wearing that white shirt all the time?”

Hanbin looks over at him with that adorably confused expression that makes him want to walk over and bite his cheek. “But I like that shirt?”

He gives Hanbin a wink, which earns him a blush that he hasn’t seen in a long time. It takes him back to that day they spent in June’s tattoo shop getting Richard Parker inked and shaded. Back then, he had no idea what was going to happen. But back then he thinks his heart probably already knew.

“Disgusting.” June mutters. “If you’re done with the eye-fucking, we need to get going.”

Yun kicks at his ankle. “June!”

“What?! They’re doing it right in front of me and my vodka!”

Hanbin blushes even harder and walks out into the living room with his head down. Yun follows him, shaking his head in June’s direction but trying not to laugh at the same time.

He shoots June his dirtiest glare. “Are you done embarrassing me today?”

June looks at his watch. “But it’s only 7pm?”

He grabs his jacket and groans. “Let’s just go.”

“Whatever you say Romeo.”

The walk to the train station is full of bickering, as usual. By the time they get to the club and he can see the other rappers in their new snapbacks and gold chains, he suddenly wishes he made a bit more of an effort after all.

Hanbin watches his face and leans in next to his ear. “Gold chains don’t get record deals. There’s nobody like you except you.”

It echoes in his ears long after he leaves Hanbin to go backstage and he can still hear it, right up to the moment when Bobby steps out into the spotlight.

Look for me - Young, B
Cruisin down the westside - high, way
Doing what we like to do - our, way
Eyes behind shades, this necklace the reason
all of my dates been blind dates
But today, I got my thoroughest guy with me
I’m mashin the gas, he’s grabbin the wheel, it’s trippy how hard
He rides with me - the new Bobby and B
Only time we don’t speak is during “E and the City”
He gets tech fever, but soon as the show is over
He’s right back to being a soldier
Cuz baby’s a rider, and I’m a roller
Put us together, how they gon’ stop both us?
What ever he lacks, I’m right over his shoulder
When I’m off track, he’s keepin me focused
So let’s, lock this down like it’s supposed to be

The OG Bonnie and Clyde, Bobby and B.I

-Original Lyrics by J.Z

He’s barely stepped behind the curtains when a hand pulls him into the darkness. A wet mouth presses insistently against his and he’s about to push away out of shock but…..no, he knows that mouth, the way it feels, the way it tastes, how hard it bites, how soft it sighs…

“You wrote me a song?” Hanbin asks in a breathless whisper.

“Yeah. Happy Birthday, baby.”

“My birthday is tomorrow.”

“Yeah but you’re ruining the moment right now.”

“Oh, are we having a moment?”

“Yeah we are.”

“Who’s B.I?”

“My other boyfriend. The one who doesn’t ruin moments.”

“He sounds boring.”

“I know. You’re better.” He says, pulling Hanbin in for another kiss. “Can I take you home now?”

Hanbin bites at his lower lip. “Yes.”

They’re barely two steps away when Hanbin stops in his tracks. “Wait. We can’t leave now. There are record company people here. Right now. They might be looking for you. What if they’re looking for you?”

He shakes his head, he doesn’t care, he just wants warm skin underneath his fingers as soon as possible. “If they want to find me, they’ll find me.”

Hanbin catches his wandering hands, holding them still and looking right into his eyes with that kind of unwavering determination that annoys him and turns him on the same time. “No. I’m not letting you make stupid decisions because you’re not thinking with your head.”

“I am….”

“No, you’re not.”

“I am!” He protests, even as his tries to pull Hanbin towards him again. “Come on, let’s go home.”

Hanbin grips his hands tighter and doesn’t let either of them move. “If you stay here a bit longer, I’ll let you do whatever you want later…..”

His mouth goes dry and he stares dumbly at Hanbin’s face for an awkwardly long amount of time.

Later?

What does he mean, later?

How much later?

“Jiwon?”

He scowls and grunts in reply.

“Promise?”

He pulls his fingers out of Hanbin’s hands. “Yeah yeah. I hate you for this.”

Hanbin smiles and leans forward to kiss him again. “I know you do.”

He lets Hanbin straighten up his clothes and attempt to tidy his hair before pushing him back out into the crowd.

“They don’t just sign people up at these mic nights, you know. That’s not how it works.” He says as some fans come up to shake his hand. “They’re just here to check people out.”

“I know. But just stay anyway.” Hanbin says as he puts a friendlier amount of distance between them. “And don’t get all touchy. In case someone is watching.”

“So you’re just gonna be the boss of me now?”

“Since when were you the boss before?” Hanbin replies with an arrogant smirk.

But he does what he’s told. Hanbin gets him a drink and leaves him to talk to the fans that want to meet him, the other rappers who are still talking about his punch-up and funnily enough, all the girls who are blatantly trying to hit him up even though he’s pretty sure there are all kinds of rumours about him going round.

Every now and then his eyes search for Hanbin, eventually finding him sitting at the bar with June and Yun, all three watching him and trying not to laugh when a small pretty blonde starts stroking his arm.

But a promise is a promise.

Sure he wants a record deal. He wants that more than he wants most things.

But he wants Hanbin as well.

He wants Hanbin more than he wants a record deal.

Not that he’ll ever say that out loud.

He’s not ready for an ass-kicking.

When the night ends, he’s half drunk and talked to so many people that he can barely remember anything but Hanbin’s satisfied so he must have done something right.

“Heard you scored, Jiwon?” June teases him as they walk to the train station.

“I didn’t score. Bobby scored.” He pulls out three scraps of paper with messily scrawled phone numbers on them and let’s the scraps fly off his fingers into the night.

He curses Hanbin for getting him drunk and making him stay in the club for so long because as soon as they’re on the train, he’s leaning heavily against the window, ready to just go straight to sleep.

“It’s your birthday soon.” He says, trying desperately to stay awake. “There’s a cool bar-”

“No. We need to go home. You look like shit.” Hanbin says, pulling him over so he’s leaning on a warm shoulder instead of a cold window.

“No, I’m okay!” He says with as much enthusiasm as he can muster, feeling the exaggerated way he’s blinking and just knowing Hanbin sees right through it all. “I went to check it out already. I told the guy we’d be come back and he said he’d make you a birthday drink. We should have a midnight toast because you were born and it’s kind of awesome that you were born and…”

Hanbin just laughs and tucks him under his arm. “We can go some other time okay? I need to take you home.”

There are a million protests in his head and he remembers seeing the stations fly by outside the window, further and further away from the bar where he wanted to take Hanbin tonight. But as always, sleep is always the true winner.

****

Jiwon is gone by the time he wakes up. It’s nearly 11am and he’s glad neither of them have anywhere to go today.

He lays in the warm sheets, scrolling through all the birthday message he gets on his phone, the smile never leaving his face until he gets to the most recent one.

It’s a message from his mother. His finger pauses over it for longer than he wanted it to. But it was just a normal birthday message. He reads it with relief and a tinge of guilt for how everything turned out. He sends her a reply, maybe an olive branch disguised as a monkey emoticon, because there’s no other person on earth who has known him for longer.

She sends back a message instantly. It’s a photo of his sister, holding up a drawing of a dog. Well, there’s always a silver lining in everything. He saves the photo and sets it as his phone wallpaper.

****

He’s getting dressed when he notices it, the impatient way Jiwon hovers around him.

“What is it?”

“Nothing nothing, you’re just taking ages.”

“It’s a Saturday.”

“But it’s your birthday! I have...things planned.”

Instead of being excited, he feels the anxiety creeping in around them “What did you do?”

“It’s a surprise?”

“What kind of surprise?”

Right on cue he can hear the ring of their doorbell. He looks across at Jiwon in alarm.

“Stay here. I’ll get it.” Jiwon says hurriedly and runs out of the room.

“What? No. What if it’s-”

But it wasn’t.

He can hear a voice he doesn’t recognise and plastic bags crinkling before the door closes again. He can hear Jiwon pottering around their kitchen, opening and closing a few too many cupboards and then there’s just silence as Jiwon shuffles back into their bedroom and stands in their doorway looking uncharacteristically nervous.

“I…um, did something. But you have to close your eyes.”

His heart thumps heavily as he closes his eyes and lets Jiwon take him by the hand, leading him to their kitchen and gently pushing him into his chair.

“Okay….you can open them now. And don’t laugh!”

It’s a whole table of food, which he’s already confused about, but on the kitchen bench there’s a glass vase with a big dense bunch of light and dark pink roses.

He doesn’t even know what to say.

This is the closest thing he’s ever had to a birthday party that didn’t involve his parents.

Jiwon chews his lip in worry. “Hanbin? You okay? I know you probably didn’t want a big party or anything so I thought we’d just hang out here today. Unless you do want a party because I can probably-”

His eyes flick up to meet Jiwon’s nervous pair. “No! I want this. I don’t want more people.”

“Thought so.” Jiwon reaches across the table to brush some damp strands of hair from his face. “Okay, so….I didn’t know what you felt like eating so I just kinda got everything. Don’t worry, I didn’t cook any of it. We’re not spending your birthday at the hospital.”

It takes him 30 seconds to locate the fork Jiwon set down for him and another five minutes before he can start chewing normally. The pink roses stay in his peripheral vision and he can’t stop looking at them.

“They’re for you.”

“They’re….really nice.” He says before mentally kicking himself. That’s not what he wanted to say at all.

“Yeah I thought so too. Jiyoon made it, said she remembered you.”

“Jiyoon? Who’s that?”

“Our florist lady.”

“Our florist?” He echoes, mind suddenly reeling as it jumps back in time. “Wait. THE FLORIST? From the storm? She remembered me?”

Jiwon nods and takes a sip of tea from a Mickey Mouse mug. “Yeah, she thought you looked like a cute drowned rat.”

“Well, it was raining!” He grumbles. “Did she remember you?”

“Not as much. Just that she thought I was gonna steal the baby ferns. She was kinda surprised when I told her why I was there.”

He reaches for the Mickey Mouse mug and sips at the hot jasmine tea. “Surprised? In what way?”

“Well, that we ended up like this. Isn’t it weird to think that a random stranger saw all that? She’s the last person to see me before I met you. She’s really cool though. She was like, “You owe me! You should name your first born after me!”

Jiwon laughs but when he doesn’t join it, it fades into a nervous chuckle. “Anyways, it’s just a joke. I told her you liked flowers and she asked me a bunch of really personal questions before she made that.”

He looks at the pink roses again. Pink roses mean gratitude, appreciation, admiration…..love.

Nobody has ever given him flowers. Or done anything on his birthday. Or joked about their future kids together. He suddenly wants to know what Jiwon told the florist.

“Hanbin? Can you say something because I’m beginning to think you hate everything.”

He tears his eyes from the roses and shakes his head, not realising he’d been silent for so long.

“What? No. No no no.” He reaches across to hold Jiwon’s good hand. “I love this. I love everything. I’m just…..so…..shocked you did it. I don’t really know what to say, that’s all. But I love everything Jiwon, I do. I promise.”

He gives Jiwon his dimpliest smile and the toothy lopsided one he gets back is already his favourite part of today. “Okay, good.”

After a lunch that stretches on for way too long, Jiwon suggests that they go for a slow walk around the neighbourhood. He’s lived in the same area for two years but he’s never really explored the surrounding streets and he’s definitely never done it with another person beside him. It all felt strangely new and its domestic mundaneness excites some weird part of him that he hasn’t figured out yet.

Half way through the walk, they pass a playground full of kids and he gets that weird feeling again as he replays all the things Jiwon has said about them before. Something must come out on his face because he feels fingers hanging onto a few of his, discreet and hidden by the sleeves between them.

Jiwon doesn’t say anything and he’s never been so grateful for the silence because he doesn’t know how he’ll ever bring this topic up. He knows it’s a feeling that just burns brighter and brighter the longer they’re together and if the thought of a long-term relationship scared him, it’s nothing compared to how he feels about their future.

But he wants them to have a future.

They need to have one.  

He lets go of Jiwon’s fingers and slides their hands together. Fuck discretion. It’s his birthday, he’ll do what he wants.

Jiwon must understand because he pulls up their joined hands to place a kiss across his knuckles.

He doesn’t know long they walk for but it’s late afternoon when Jiwon starts leading them back.

“Are you hungry?”

He shakes his head.

“Wanna go home?”

“Yeah.”

He wanted to snuggle on the couch and watch Evangelion but Jiwon bundles him up in one of his oversized hoodies and a soft blue blanket.

“It’s not that cold.”

“Not here. We’re going up to the roof, it might get cold up there.”

“The roof? Why are we going up there?”

Jiwon shrugs. “Don’t know. Come find out.”

He knew they had a roof of course but he’s never had any reason to go up there. When Jiwon unlocks the door and the light breeze hits him, he wishes he asked about it all those years ago. The sky was a deep mellow peach haze, the city buzzes on in the distance but it was calm over the rooftops of their neighbourhood as people were finishing their Sundays and beginning their Sunights.

There’s a bench where they sit, facing the city and just watching as the sun sinks lower and lower in the horizon. He leans against Jiwon’s shoulder and sighs, knowing it’s loud and that it’d be heard. He doesn’t care. He hopes Jiwon heard.

There’s a kiss against his temple, which he expected, and another one across the back of his hand, which he didn’t.

They sit for so long that the sky turns into a deep indigo and the first of the city lights begin twinkling from the tallest buildings.

Jiwon pulls his arm away and makes to get up.

“No, I don’t want to go yet.”

“I know. I’m just going to turn the lights on.”

There are hundreds of them.

Hundred and hundreds of tiny fairy lights fitted across the walls and beams and draped over all the ugly structures that would normally be there during the day.

Jiwon disappears back into their building for a few minutes and he’s left alone in his thoughts. It feels like a dream or at least some alternate reality that he can’t quite believe. With the dark open sky around him, it feels like he’s sitting right in the middle of the Universe, surrounded by a million stars. He feels small. His problems feel small. Small and insignificant under such a vast sky. It heals something inside him that he can’t explain.

Jiwon comes back carrying a white box.

“I didn’t even know they had any lights up here.” He says as Jiwon rests the box in his lap.

“They didn’t.” Comes the cryptic reply.

He looks down as the plain cardboard. “What’s this?”

“Don’t know, open it.” Jiwon says with a shrug.

It’s a blue Snoopy cake.

Somewhere between the adorably juvenile and slightly gaudy design and the thought that Jiwon actually went somewhere and bought him a kid’s birthday cake, he’s so overcome with affection that the only thing he can do is laugh.

Jiwon frowns. “Oh shit, you hate it."

“...is this a kid’s cake?”

“Well…yeah but do you like it?”

“I don't like it-I love it.”

Jiwon grins in relief before setting the cake onto the small table in front of them and pulling a candle and lighter from somewhere in his pocket. “Good. Because June said I was an idiot for getting it.”

He watches everything with a stupid smile on his face and warmest glow in his chest.

“Okay. Make a wish, I’m gonna take a photo.”

“No, I hate photos!” He whines out of habit.

Jiwon just rolls his eyes. “Seriously? You’re really gonna throw a tantrum right now?”

But he’s too ridiculously, deliriously, insanely happy to argue so he just leans forward to blow out the candle and wish for an impossible future. Jiwon can take as many photos as he wants.

There’s only one spoon so they take turns feeding each other straight from the box. Birthday cake for dinner. Since when did Jiwon know him this well.

“Want your present now?”

He licks some of the blue icing off his hand and looks over. “This whole day wasn’t the present?”

“Nope.”

There’s another box in his lap. Plain again, without any bows or ribbons or card. Completely unassuming. He doesn’t know why he’s so anxious about what’s in it. He suddenly doesn’t want to open it and he doesn’t know why.

“It’s okay. Open it.” Jiwon says gently.

And there, underneath layers of white tissue paper, is a first edition of Norwegian Wood. Straight from 1987. Signed. Dated. Certified.

“Where did you get this?” He asks, blood draining from his head and voice strangely shaky and grim. “How did you get this?”

“I just asked for it?” Jiwon says with a shrug, as if it really was that easy.

He touches the cover reverently. There’s no other book he’s read more often. His knows his old copy is lying somewhere in the back of their wardrobe, completely worn-out and falling apart.

“But this is the first edition. How did you get this? Doesn’t it cost-”

“-do you like it though? Why does it matter how I got it?”

“Because I wanna know!”

Jiwon shrugs again. “I know people who know some other people and I got it.”

The most irrational paranoid thoughts suddenly fill his head. “You got this legally right? You’re not missing a liver or have some crazy life debt right?

Jiwon laughs at the absurdity of his question. “No. I got it legally and I’m not missing a liver….just maybe a kidney.”

He just shakes his head in disbelief. “I love this book.”

“I know.”

He folds the layers of tissue paper over it and closes the lid before placing it a safe distance away on the table beside them.

“Don’t you want to read the thing I wrote in it?”

He shakes his head and climbs into Jiwon’s lap. “Later.”

He loves kissing Jiwon. He loves the way it starts, all nervous surprise and butterflies before it deepens into a hot warm mess that sucks all the life and thoughts out of him, only to give it back when he can feel Jiwon’s tongue trying to lick his mouth open. He always falls so hard, so fast and so far. He always feels so high and out of his mind. He always feels so in love.

“Thank you.” He murmurs, in between kisses. “Thank you for everything. You’re never gonna know what it means to me because I don’t even understand it.”

Jiwon holds his face between his hands, one normal and one a little bit broken, just like them.

“Did you have a good day?”

“I had the best day.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

“What did you wish for?”

“Can’t tell you. Might not come true.”

Jiwon scoffs. “No. If you tell me, I’ll make it come true.”

“No.”

“Come on, please? I wanna know.”

He rests his head against Jiwon’s chest as the blue blanket gets wrapped around them again. “It was just you. I wished for you.”

“But you already got me.”

“Well, just in case. I wished for it twice.”

Jiwon laughs at him. “Wasted a birthday wish on something you already got? Geez, Hanbin. We need to talk about how birthday wishes work.”

That weird feeling was back. The one that just won’t go away and makes him feel a million years older than just 25.

“It’s….not really something you can get at a store.” He says hesitantly, not knowing how to even talk about something like this.

“It’s okay. Whatever it is. I’ll get it for you.” Jiwon says with the kind of steadfast confidence that always makes his heart skip a beat. “I got that book didn’t I? I can get you anything.”

“It’s so stupid, just lame really but….I just….wished that I could have a proper family…” His heart races in his chest and he feels more exposed that he has ever felt before. He wants to see the look on Jiwon’s face but at the same time, he really doesn’t.

“But you got that already too.”

****
It’s 3:40am.

It’s not his birthday anymore but he’s in their kitchen eating the rest of the Snoopy cake and still staring at the pink roses in disbelief. He moves them to the dinner table and lets his fingers run across their velvety petals until they hit the pointy corner of a card that’s hidden in the middle.

[26 -for every week I’ve known and loved you. Happy Birthday baby. xxj]

26.

He does the maths.

26 takes them right back to the beginning.

To the time they got wet in the rain and the time he spent watching Jiwon get Richard Parker inked and shaded. Jiwon knew? Even back then?

The tears are already half way down his face before he really registers them.

He wonders what Murakami would say about him now: a 25 year old writer, sitting in an empty kitchen in the middle of the night with a half eaten kid’s cake and crying over a handwritten card.

He crawls back into bed, physically and emotionally drained in the best possible way. Jiwon’s sleep heavy arms automatically draw him back into the warmth again.

“I love you.” He whispers, not knowing if Jiwon was awake or not.

I love you more than everything.

Chapter Text

“I love you.”

Jiwon waits for Hanbin to fall asleep, nestled right up against his chest in the place that he’s claimed a long time ago. There’s a stillness around their bed that’s just punctuated by the reassuring sound of Hanbin’s quiet breathing and the faint flow of traffic a million miles away in the distance. Only then does he blink his eyes open and waits for them to adjust to the darkness. The sheets are warm and worn out, they smell like vanilla cake and the lemon-scented bath oil they used earlier. There’s no-one looking so he buries his face in Hanbin’s neck and just breathes.

He wonders if Hanbin found the note hidden in the roses or the one inside the cover of Norwegian Wood. He wonders, for the tenth time, if Hanbin really did have a good day and wasn’t just saying it to make him happy. He thought about throwing a party but in the end, there’s been too many people crashing in and out of their World for too long. It felt right that their first birthday was just the two of them, alone together.

Hanbin says something in his sleep then. He doesn’t really catch the words but a hand grabs at his t-shirt and the sleepy body in his arms tries to bury itself even further into his chest.

“I didn’t eat all the cake.” Hanbin mumbles, a deep frown on his face, even in sleep.

He rubs soothing circles into warm skin and resists the urge to laugh quietly and kiss slowly.

The digital clock on the bedside table reads 04:20 am. The streetlamp outside their apartment shines just enough light through the gaps in the curtains for him to make out the features of Hanbin’s face. It’s not often he can just stare at it without one of them getting awkward or embarrassed.

Where he has sharp angles and abrupt edges, Hanbin was all rounded curves and soft planes that end as perfectly as they begin, like one long note played on a cello in an empty theatre. Where he was just a random assortment of features thrown together onto a face, Hanbin was something that someone made with all the time and consideration in the world. He doesn’t want to idolise him, that’s not really a healthy way to think, but what choice does he have in this situation?

And he knows he really shouldn’t but he can’t help tracing across the pillowy lips and high cheekbones with his fingers. It’s enough for Hanbin to stir but not enough for him to wake up.

“I’m sorry…I ate the whole thing.” Hanbin mumbles again, hand still bunching up his t-shirt and face still etched with so much concern. If these are the new types of nightmares Hanbin is going to have then clearly God has been listening to all his prayers. “I ate Snoopy’s face.”

He laughs quietly and leans down to press the lightest of kisses against a soft cheek.

“Goodnight baby. I love you too.”

****

It’s past midday by the time Jiwon wakes up. The bed is empty beside him and he can hear Hanbin in their kitchen already. The comforting smell of pancakes and honey floats into the bedroom and even though he is so warm and still a little sleepy, it’s too good to ignore.

Hanbin turns around as soon as he walks in. He loves the way Hanbin looks in the morning: all crumpled clothes, messy hair and soft everything else.

“Oh hey, you’re up already?”

He nods and walks up to hug the smaller body to his chest. “Uh-huh. I could smell pancakes.”

“Yeah, honey pancakes though. We ran out of chocolate.” Hanbin replies with a frown. “I was going to melt a Mars Bar but even I have my limits.”

“It smells so good though, whatever it is.”

“Are you okay with honey?”

“Yes, my middle name is actually Winnie.”

Hanbin chuckles softly. “Winnie has a serious addiction and I don't think they are getting him the therapy he needs. And where the hell does he get all his honey from anyway?”

“Piglet is his dealer obviously.”

They both laugh and he feels so warm inside that it almost doesn’t even feel real but there’s living breathing flesh and blood underneath his fingertips and that definitely feels real.

Hanbin squirms in his arms then, trying to dislodge him and get some space. “Are you just going to stay here the whole time?”

He sways alongs with Hanbin’s body as he moves across the kitchen to get their plates and cutlery. “Probably.”

The pancakes are stacked onto two small plates but Hanbin pauses half-way before changing his mind and sliding everything onto one big plate instead. Walking is a little difficult but he doesn’t want to let go, no matter how annoyed Hanbin gets.

“Jiwon….seriously….this isn’t as cute as you think it is….”

But it is cute, he wants to say. 

You are so cute. I’m gonna keep you forever.

There’s sighing and eye-rolling but none of the typical whining and complaining that sometimes happens. Hanbin just lets him pull both their bodies to sit down at the table. The pink roses are still there, the handwritten card missing from where he hid it.

Hanbin shifts in his lap and elbows him gently. “Are you gonna let go?”

“Probably not.”

There’s another sigh and he half expected Hanbin to pry himself free but instead he just starts cutting up the pancakes into bite sized pieces.

“Here.” Hanbin says, handing him a loaded fork. “And don’t get honey all over me like last time.”

He does. Again.

There’s bickering after that but it’s the kind he doesn’t mind. It’s the kind where Hanbin seems happy and laughs at things that don’t really matter. He’d trade everything to have that for as long as possible.

The day goes by way too quickly and before he knows it, they’re in bed again, in the same place that they started.

“Do you want me to pick up your stuff from the garage?” Hanbin asks.

He draws shapes across Hanbin’s stomach and nods. “Yeah. Thanks. They’re gonna get so pissed at me though. I feel so bad for leaving like that.”

“Well, they don’t know why or how you broke your hand so I’ll just spin some sad story. It’ll be fine.”

His finger traces hearts across Hanbin’s hip bone. “What would I do without you, huh?”

Hanbin smiles at the ceiling. “Probably die or something.”

“Probably.” He says, voice sounding so much more serious than he wanted it to be.

50% of all jokes are true, he thinks. And okay, he wouldn’t physically die, he’s not that dramatic, but there’s no way he’d come out of this breakup without losing a big chunk of himself. He’s already got a fracture and scar from it and they were still together.

There’s a finger that draws a heart against his chest. When he looks down, he can see all the questions, hopes and fear in Hanbin’s eyes.

It’s taken them a long time to speak the same language but he gets it now.

He draws a heart over the same place on Hanbin’s chest. “I do too. You know that right?”

There’s the barest of nods as Hanbin leans forward to kiss him. “I know.”

****

He wishes his memory was better but his head has probably been too busy cataloguing and storing all the Hanbin-related memories that there just hasn’t been room for anything else.

He’s sitting on their couch looking through the jobs section in the newspaper when the phone call comes.

“Um, sorry. Can you repeat that? Have we met?”

There’s a chuckle on the other line, followed by a completely foreign voice. “Only briefly. My name is Lee Soekjin. I’m a producer for BeatBox. We’re an off-shoot label of-”

“GlobalKore.” He finishes shakily, heart racing a mile a minute as the realisation of the conversation hits him all at once.

“Oh good, so you’ve heard of us. We met briefly at that mic night down at Elysium last week. Your friend introduced us.”

His feels dizzy as his brain flicks through hundred and thousands of memories and faces from that night. He can’t remember anything.

Pull yourself together, man! Don’t fuck this up again!

“Did you um, enjoy the show?” He asks, trying to buy some time as his brain keeps sorting through all the alcoholic memories.

There’s another laugh down the line. “It was impressive, that’s for sure. Almost as impressive as your ability to function with that much alcohol on board. You don’t remember meeting me do you?”

He breaks out into a cold sweat. “I…..well……um….okay, truthfully? I don’t remember much from that night. Just the rapping.”

And Hanbin’s mouth in the dark, his mind supplies helpfully.

He holds his breath waiting for a reply, relief only washing over him when there’s a snort of laughter on the other end. “Well, at least you’re honest. I like that. Listen, enough with the small talk. I’ll be blunt here so we’re not wasting each other’s time: we’re interested in hearing what else you’ve got. Can you get a mixtape ready? We’ll go from there.”

A mixtape.

A mixtape.

Fuck.

It’s not ready.

Fuck.

“Yes, sure sure, um, when do you want to hear it?” He asks nervously as the sweat gathers around his neck.

“How soon can you get one ready?”

“Two weeks?” He says, pulling an arbitrary period out of the air and then immediately kicking himself for making it way too short.

He’s not sure if he heard the amusement from the producer or just imagined it. “Two weeks? Okay, kid. Two weeks it is. I’ll send through some details about the meeting. Good luck, okay?”

His hand is shaking as he hangs up.

Two weeks?

TWO WEEKS?!

What the hell was he thinking?

The initial joy of the offer diminishes with each passing moment when he realises how little material he actually has saved on his laptop. He’s going to need a miracle to get a full mixtape together at such short notice. A miracle and a whole month.

The wall clock tells him it’s just after lunchtime and he thinks twice about calling Hanbin but fuck it, this is an emergency.

“Hey, what’s up-”

“Are you busy?”

“What? Yes. What’s wrong? You sound all weird.”

“I got a phone call. From BeatBox. They want to hear a mixtape.”

There’s loud indeterminate yelling down the line and he can hear someone (probably Donghyuk) laughing in the background before Hanbin apologises for the outburst.

“I knew it, Jiwon. I knew it would happen for you. I KNEW IT! Didn’t I tell you?! I TOLD YOU.” Hanbin rambles a mile-a-minute, he can’t even get a word in. “See this is what happens when you hang around after the show. I knew that guy was a producer. He kept making notes on his phone. Nobody else was watching but I was totally watching.”

“Babe…”

Hanbin doesn’t even hear him. “I saw him looking at some of the other guys but a lot of them were already getting trashed at the bar. That’s-”

“HANBIN.”

The rambling trails off. “What?”

He sighs. “My mixtape isn’t ready. And don’t say, ‘I told you so’. I know you told me to do it ages ago. I’ve been distracted.”

By you and your stupid face.

“See this is why I made you that plan.” Hanbin says in a voice that’s a cross between healthy concern and straight-up-nagging. “They gave you some time to put one together though right?”

“Yeah….”

“How much time?”

He braces himself.  “Two weeks….”

“Two weeks?!!” Hanbin exclaims. “That’s so not enough time Jiwon.”

“I KNOW.” He groans, misery renewed by the looming deadline. “I guess I just won’t sleep for awhile.”

There’s a pause and he knows Hanbin is thinking. “I should’ve made a better plan but well, it’s too late to think about that now. You have rap friends right? And that guy who was getting his own writing studio together? The one we met at the supermarket. He sounds like he’d probably be helpful.”

Jiho?

He’s honestly surprised that Hanbin would think of him at all.

“Um. Are you sure?” He asks hesitantly, praying to God that this isn’t going to start their third fight.

“What do you mean?” Comes a sharp reply.

He debates how to answer the question but there’s really no way around it. “Well. Are you okay with me working with him?”

The irritated noise down the phone tells him everything and he can almost see Hanbin’s scowl. “Is he good with these types of things?”

“Yeah. He’s really good.”

“Will he help you?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

There’s a slightly pause before Hanbin’s next question. “Do you want to get back together with him?”

He recoils at the thought. “What?! Fuck no. No way! No way. Really. No.”

“Well, then you should think about asking him. Anyone who can help you is worth calling up Jiwon. You should definitely call in favours for this, no matter who it is. Honestly, we don’t know how many shots you’re going to get with a label like BeatBox. They’ve got a massive company behind them.”

He knows Hanbin is rambling through his insecurities, he can hear it in the faint wavering of his voice but he also knows this is light years of progress for their relationship so the best thing he can do is shut the hell up and not draw too much attention to it.

“Yeah okay, okay. I’ll see what I can come up with.”

There’s another irritated noise on the other end. “Argh, this is really bad timing because I want talk to you but Donghyuk’s just reminded me we’ve got an editorial meeting so I kinda need to go but um, Jiwon?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m….I’m really happy for you. And I’m really proud of you. And um, ahhh this is so awkward.” Hanbin says with a shy laugh. “It’s just really cool to finally see something good happening for you.”

Something good already happened to me, he wants to say but doesn’t.

Instead he just smiles into his phone and wishes he could pull Hanbin through the line so he can poke at his dimples and hug him till he gets pissed off and embarrassed.

“It’s not just happening for me though. It’s happening for us, right?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you and me. We’re like a subunit now aren’t we? You’re not gonna make me do this whole thing on my own are you?”

“A subunit? Like Bobby and B.I?”

“Yeah. Like Eminem but we’re BeeandBee.”

“Maybe Double B?” Hanbin laughs. “Bee and Bee just sounds like a baby store.”

“Yeah, Double B gonna tear some shit up….in two weeks!!”

“Yeah, you’ve just lost all your cool points now. Go do some work. I’ll see you at home later.”

“Okay. Bye baby.”

He waits for Hanbin to hang up and then sits on the couch to freak out some more.

The first thing he does after that is message June.

The second thing he does is message his brother.

The third thing he does is scroll through all the music folders on his laptop and breathes a (very) small sigh of relief that he finds the two songs that are mostly ready in their demo state. Okay, so they’re a little bit rough and there are a few mistakes but he knows that Jiho can definitely work with that.

Two songs don’t make a mixtape though.

“You need four.” Jiho concludes over the phone. “You should give them variety. I mean, they know you can do straight-up hip-hop but it’d be good to show them what else you can do. We can use the two tracks you’ve already got but you need to think of two more.”

They make arrangements to meet up in two days and he gets a whole page of homework that he’s still thinking about by the time Hanbin comes home.

There’s something warm and wet on the side of his neck before Hanbin slides into his lap and pulls his headphones off. “Hi.”

“Hey,” He pushes his laptop aside with a curious grin . “Who are you? Have we met?”

“Nope.”

Hanbin kisses him so hard that it knocks the breath out of him. He doesn’t know why every single kiss that Hanbin starts feels like a sucker punch to his gut, like it comes out of nowhere to completely blindside him, like it’s a first kiss every time. 

His hands find their way under Hanbin’s shirt, grasping at the smooth skin of his back to press their bodies closer. The hand in his hair pulls his head back sharply and there are lips against his neck again. By the time he feels the scrape of teeth, any and all restraint is lost.

He grabs Hanbin’s hips and flips him onto his back. “Are you trying to bite me?”

Hanbin looks up at him with big wide eyes, shaking his head before leaning up to bite at his lower lip. 

He lets out a frustrated groan and grinds into the body underneath. Hanbin lets go of his lip and giggles, like he knew this was going to happen all along. All it does is make him more frustrated, more hard…

“You got a mouth on you, baby? Guess what? So do I.” He grabs a handful of soft hair and pulls Hanbin’s head to one side, exposing the perfect lines of his neck so he can press a few wet kisses along it. When Hanbin whines and gets impatient he pushes the thin shirt aside and bites at the skin just below Hanbin’s collar bone. 

A long drawn-out moan fills the room. 

So he does it again. Harder. Enough to leave a mark.

“Jiwon...Jiwon.….” 

“Yeah, baby?” He murmurs, fingers still trying to unbutton Hanbin’s shirt.

“Touch me.”

He fingers freeze. His mouth goes dry. 

“Like…last time or…something else?”

Hanbin pulls at his t-shirt until he takes it off and throws it on the floor. “Something else.”

His heart races so fast, so loudly and his head is spinning from all the blood rushing around. His brain goes offline, not that he needs it anyway, his body is controlling everything now.

“Take these off.” He pulls at Hanbin’s jeans and watches, achingly hard, as they get thrown on the floor next to his t-shirt.

He wants to go fast, to dive in head first, to take everything greedily….but whenever they get to this part he just has to stop and stare. It always gets Hanbin so shy one minute and so mean the next. It’s only part of the reason he does it.

“JIWON. Stop staring!” 

He smiles down at the perfect body underneath him. “I’m thinking of what I’m going to do to you.”

Hanbin closes his eyes and grinds up against him with another soft moan. “Anything….anything…”

“You gonna do what I say?”

Hanbin nods, biting his lip. 

“Okay. Open your mouth.” He pushes two fingers past those swollen lips and almost wants to cum just from the way Hanbin’s tongue drags along their length. “Mmmmm. You know where these are going, baby?”

Hanbin nods again, a blush warming his cheeks. 

“Shy, huh? I don’t think so.” He laughs quietly. 

When he can’t stand Hanbin sucking on his fingers anymore, he pulls them out, watching the string of saliva that hangs on. 

“Spread your legs for me.”

They’ve gone this far before and he’s not power hungry but he’s lying if he said he didn’t love the way Hanbin just does everything he asks. 

There’s a sigh and soft intake of breath when his wet fingers slowly circle around Hanbin’s entrance. He waits until there’s not a person but a writhing mess of mumbling words and heavy breathing underneath him. When Hanbin gets impatient, he presses a finger in. 

“You okay?”

He can’t understand anything coming out of Hanbin’s mouth, they’re just noises and words rolled into one. 

He pushes a second finger in, the tight heat just swallowing them both up. He’s painfully hard now and feels his mind and body being pulled in so many directions. He wants to bury his head between Hanbin’s thighs and eat him out all night but he knows they’re not ready for that yet. He wants to bend Hanbin over the coffee table and fuck him raw but they’re definitely not ready for that either. 

As the third finger slides inside, Hanbin starts moaning so loudly that he’s half worried the neighbours are going to hear. He half wants them to.

His fingers stretch out tight and tense muscle on the way in and the walls grip them on the way out. He watches it over and over again, mesmerised, for so long that the whining starts getting angry and demanding. 

“JIWON. Stop going so slowly! Why are you being so soft?!” 

“Don’t you like it soft? I thought you were all shy?” He teases, going even slower. 

It gets the exact reaction he wants. 

“NO. I don’t want it soft! Go harder!” Hanbin says through gritted teeth. 

He pulls all three fingers out and resists bending down to run his tongue across that gaping ass hole. 

“ARGHH! What are you doing?! Why did you stop?!” Hanbin shouts, hands squeezing his arms to the point where it just hurts. 

He spits on his fingers. “You want it harder? Okay, baby. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

He doesn’t wait for Hanbin to be ready for it and just pushes all three fingers back in. There’s still too much friction and drag even with all the saliva. The noise that comes out of Hanbin’s mouth is so loud that he has to lean down to kiss him quiet. The neighbours definitely heard that. 

His fingers push in deeper, harder, faster until he can feel the tips hitting that one spot that makes Hanbin kiss with too much teeth and claw at his back until there are red trails of half-broken skin. 

He tears his mouth away after another kiss turns into a bite and tastes blood where Hanbin’s sharp teeth have just been. Dark eyes watch him before a hand comes to drag him back down by the neck. 

There’s no more biting, just a gentle tongue licking at the side of his mouth. It’s only when it starts to sting that he realises Hanbin is trying to clean the blood off. 

He thought he was in control this whole time. 

He has never been more wrong.

“Fuck, baby…..fuck…”

He feels a hand closing over this wrist as Hanbin just looks up at him, strangely serene and calm for a moment. “Stop. I don’t want that anymore.”

He pulls his fingers out slowly, waiting for the next words…

“I want you to fuck me.”

He shrinks back against the couch for a few seconds, the words just echoing in his ears. “I…what..are you…sure?”

Hanbin runs a hand down his chest, tracing over some of the tattoos. “I’m sure.”

He stands up on shaky knees to take off his sweatpants and turns to walk into their bathroom for supplies but there’s a hand at his wrist again. 

“No.” Hanbin says, too quietly this time. “Not with anything…just you.”

He lets out 6 months of frustration in one groan. “Hanbin….fuck….you’re killing me baby. You’re killing me.”

The hand on his wrist pulls him back down and he falls forward, mouth open and just taking everything and anything he can get. His mind has just about calmed down when he hears the words whispered next to his ear. 

“Please Jiwon….please?” It’s not demanding or mean but there’s so much want behind it. Hanbin could be asking him to cut off his arm and there wouldn’t even be hesitation.

He’s leaking all over Hanbin’s thighs in frustrated anticipation but as soon as he lines himself up to push inside, he feels it- the inexplicable and unexpectedly tender way Hanbin just looks at him and reaches up to stroke his face. 

And whatever the mood was before is suddenly gone. The nastiness, the dirty talk, the need to mindlessly fuck until they both cum-it’s all gone. He doesn’t want to do that anymore. He wants something else. 

There’s a grimace on Hanbin’s face, a slightly pained expression, as he pushes inside him. Even after three fingers everything is still too hot, too tight, just too much. 

He stops half-way to give them both a chance to just breathe.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Hanbin says, voice so soft again. “Keep going?”

“Okay.” 

With the two remaining brain cells left, he realises that they’re not the same size. Maybe he’s slightly bigger than average but Hanbin is not average at all. 

“So good, Jiwon…..you’re so good.” Hanbin murmurs quietly. 

He starts moving slowly, the slide and drag causing them both to gasp and whine quietly into each other’s ears. There’s no way he’s going to last five minutes, not if Hanbin keeps talking like this.

“Did you ever think about me like this?” 

He can only grunt in reply. 

“How long have you wanted this?”

He mouths at Hanbin’s neck, licking off all the sweat. “Too long, baby….too long…”

“How long?” 

He doesn’t know why Hanbin wants to talk about this right now but it feels too good to stop. “Since the bar…..since…since I saw you again.”

“So why didn’t you? Why did you wait?” He wishes he didn’t hear it but he did, the way the question was coloured by accusations and insecurities. “Why didn’t you ever ask me?”

He grits his teeth and fucks into Hanbin’s soft body with so much force that he cries out and claws at his arms. 

“Jiwon….Jiwon…tell me….tell me why you waited…”

He growls in frustration, stopping abruptly and breathing heavily. What the fuck was going on? Why are they even talking?

“You really asking me right now?” He asks, the irritation barely kept out of his voice. “Hey? Hanbin? Look at me.”

It takes a few seconds for Hanbin to find the courage to look at him in the eyes but he understands, it feels too intimate, even despite their current position.

“I didn’t ask you for this before because I didn’t want you to think that this was important. This isn’t why I want to be with you. Okay?”

Hanbin looks down and shrugs. “Okay.” 

He knows his answer isn’t good enough. It always frustrates him when Hanbin loses all his confidence and faith in them and it drives him crazy when there’s nothing he can do about it. But not this time, this time it’s going to count. He reaches out and grabs Hanbin’s jaw, forcing him to look up again. 

“I waited for this because I wanted you to know that I love you and I’m gonna stay with you even when things go wrong and you hate me. I’m not here to just fuck you.”

“You love me?” Hanbin asks him, eyes on the verge of tears. 

“Yes.”

“Show me.”

He doesn’t know if it’s right or wrong that their first time together is like this. Hanbin bites on his shoulder when he cums and he can feel the wet tears down his back when he follows a few minutes after. It’s not how he thought it would go. It was quiet, too tender, too emotional. It was like long pause after a question mark. He doesn’t know what to think. He doesn’t know what Hanbin thinks. 

But even after they both calm down, neither of them let go. He’s still deep inside Hanbin’s body and there are still arms clinging onto his back.

He always knew things were going to be different but he had no idea they were going to be this different. Sex has never been like this. This isn’t just sex. This isn’t just fucking for a release. This is just something else but he doesn’t know what to call it.

“I’m sorry. I fucked this up didn’t I?” Hanbin asks eventually, voice ragged and worn out.

He switches their position until Hanbin is laying on top of his chest. “Do you want me to be honest?” 

“Yeah.”

“Okay. It was fucked up. I don’t even know what that was.” 

Hanbin sighs and starts pulling away but his arms are already there, keeping him in anchored to his body.

“But I don’t care. I don’t care how fucked up you want to get with me. I don’t care, Hanbin. I don’t. If this is how it feels to be fucked up then you can fuck up everything as many times as you want. I don’t know if that just makes me the world’s biggest sucker or what.”

Hanbin just sighs again. “Yeah, it does.”

****

“Where the hell did that all come from?” He asks later, looking at his right hand and wondering if he’s re-broken something.

Hanbin just shrugs. “I don’t know but I guess you’ve got a whole lifetime to figure it out. Good luck with that.”

There’s an apologetic smile as Hanbin gets up to start dinner, as if it was the most natural thing in the world to do next, which he supposes it just might be. His eyes follow Hanbin every step of the way out the room.

“Stop staring and get back to work.” Hanbin calls out over his shoulder. “I don’t want to be dating some loser rapper forever.”

“Yeah, that apple farm ain’t gonna buy itself, right?” He shakes his head, still unable to believe everything that just happened. “Who else is gonna fund your seven kids and two dogs?”

There’s a clatter of what sounds like plastic boxes and cutlery falling to the floor. 

“You okay, baby?”

“I’m fine!” Hanbin calls outs, following by a string of swear words. 

50% of all jokes are true, he thinks again. Except with you. It’s 100%.

He puts his headphones back on and scrolls through all the verses he’s written.

Chapter Text

“Again. Slower and sharper.”

Jiwon adjusts his headphones and grits his teeth.

Again.

Again.

Again.

It was the fifth time Jiho wanted him to record the same verse again. There’s nothing like repetition and working with a perfectionist to take all the fun out of music. 

But he thinks about his unfinished mixtape. His career. His future. He thinks about making Hanbin proud. He thinks of buying that farm and building a house for them. But none of those things can happen unless he just gets on with this nightmare. 

And with that thought, he scrolls back up to the start of the verse and spits out the lyrics all over again, slower and sharper. 

He wasn’t sure what he thought working with Jiho would be like but it turned out better than expected. Something about being in the half-finished studio made sense, maybe because it seemed less clinical and sterile in its shabby-tech state. But most importantly, they’d both friendzoned each other so completely and thoroughly that he’s genuinely still surprised they ever thought it’d work out in the first place. 

Getting along was easy. Producing four songs out of nowhere was just about the opposite. It’d taken five whole days just to get through two of them and they only had five more to figure out the rest. 

The rest. Which he hadn’t even finished writing the lyrics for.

“What do you mean you haven’t finished it?!” Jiho asks in exasperation. “We’ve only got a week left!”

He takes his cap off to run a tired hand through his hair. It was getting too long again. He should really get it cut or something. 

“I know. It’s mostly done. I just can’t get the last verse to work.” He says dejectedly.

Jiho holds out his hand impatiently. “Let me see what you got.”

For the first time since they started working together, he feels awkward about Jiho reading his lyrics, not because he doubted his ability or vocabulary but because of the subject matter. 

But there’s nodding and a few thoughtful hums before Jiho looks up with a bemused grin.

“You wrote a fucking love song?”

He grumbles and reaches out to grab his notebook back. “You told me to write what I know! This was your idea!”

There’s a good natured laugh and slap against his arm. “Geez, relax. It’s good. I mean, yeah the ending needs work for sure but it’s good. It’s cute. Who did you write it for?”

He looks down at the words, soft and heartfelt, even in his terrible scrawly handwriting and soon to be heard in his rough voice. 

“You met him.” He says simply, as if anyone could forget meeting Hanbin.

Jiho shrugs blankly at him.

“That day at the supermarket? We were buying cereal.”

Jiho’s eyes widen when the memory finally resurfaces. “Oohhhhh. That guy? He’s still with you?”

He scowls. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well, I don’t know if you noticed but he’s really hot. And you’re….I mean, you’re okay. Sort of.”

“You fell for it once, don’t forget.” He smirks.

“Yeah but I was young, stupid and vaguely blind. I got Lasik since then.” 

He kicks Jiho’s ankles as they both laugh at the ridiculous conversation.

“So things are going pretty well with him huh?” Jiho leans back in his chair with a smile. “Writing raps for him now? Must be serious.”

He nods and looks down at the bare floor under his feet. “Yeah, it’s going okay. He’s….yeah…it’s good.”

It’s funny really. The way he can’t articulate how he really feels in anything but a song. He’s holding a notebook full of words about Hanbin but when asked, all he can think to say is: “it’s going okay.”

“Did he deal with the whole parental thing better than we did?”

He shakes his head. “Nah, it’s even worse. I haven’t told my parents about it. And his…well, they pretty much hate me and we haven’t even met yet.”

There’s a hand squeezing his shoulder firmly. He knows Jiho gets it. He’s been through it all before and came out the other end five years older and ten years wiser. “Shit, sorry I brought it up. At least you know he’s willing to go through this Hell for you? That’s something right?”

He shrugs. 

But Jiho is right. It is something. Because who would ever want to go through this for something they didn’t plan on keeping forever?

There a slap against his arm again, jolting him out of his thoughts. “God, you still shrug at everything. You better be more decisive about the backing tracks you picked out. I’m gonna feel so shitty if this song turns out awful. I’ll never be able to look him in the face again.”

But he’s not as decisive as he thought he’d be. They sort and argue through the endless loops and backing tracks until they’re both ready to set fire to the studio.

“No way. No more tweaking. Beethoven is already rolling in his fucking grave okay? We’re not changing it again!” Jiho says with his arms crossed. 

He listens to the instrumental in the car on the way home and can only laugh. Jiho was right. It was perfect. It’s what Hanbin sounds like: an off-kilter orchestra. Not happy but not sad. Dark but hopeful. Beautiful but dangerous. Old but new. A classic track. 

He can still hear the beats in his head as he lets himself into their apartment, immediately sighing as soon as his feet slide into the shredded Winnie slippers by the door. 

Hanbin is already pottering around their kitchen and swearing at the fridge for some reason. He never knew how comforting it was, just to hear the sounds of daily life and know that you belong them. It always calms him and feeds something deep down in his soul.

He leans against the kitchen’s door frame and silently watches Hanbin setting the table.

Hanbin’s wearing those raggedy old clothes he loves so much and he guesses that the faded t-shirt and sweats have both been through several wars and hundreds of spin cycles. But Hanbin could wear anything and still look like a million bucks. When you have that kind of face, everything else is just extraneous detail distracting you from the main event.

 “Stop staring.” Hanbin says with a shake of his head. “God, why are you such a creep?”

He pushes off the door frame and rolls his eyes. “Who said I was staring at you? I like our cutlery. I’ve been thinking about the forks all day.”

Hanbin laughs and reaches out for him. It’s the smallest of detail but it’s enough to make his heart skip a few fast beats when Hanbin kisses him softly and leans into his chest.

“Did you have a productive day?”

He hugs the smaller body tighter. “Yeah, we finished two tracks.”

“Are they good?”

He laughs at Hanbin’s bluntness but he likes it, the way there’s less and less barriers and walls between them now.

“We think so?”

Hanbin kisses his cheek lightly before pushing him towards the chairs.

“Good. Sit. I’m hungry. We’re eating now.”

It’s later, when he’s doing the dishes, that he realises he doesn’t really mind the way Hanbin directs a lot their life. Where would he even be if it had never rained that day? He’d probably be working the same job for the next 10 years. Rapping would still be a weekend hobby. He’d be in the same place as always. Being directed is okay. 

Well.

He’s 90% okay with it and 10% scared.

But one of them had to be organised and it sure as hell wasn’t going to be him.

“So um, the mixtape is going alright? He’s helping you out?” Hanbin asks him when they’re settled in bed later. 

“Yeah, he is. He’s really good at what he does. Once his studio is finished, he’ll probably give the major labels a run for their money.”

“When will he have it finished?”

“Uh, I don’t know. Not for ages. It’s crazy expensive fitting out all the electronics and stuff. He thinks it’ll be at least another year”

There’s a tense silence between them and he knows Hanbin wants to ask something specifically. He’s just waiting for it.

“Would you have signed up with him? If his studio was up and running?”

He stares at their ceiling, thinking. “I might have. But….I don’t know. I don’t want to assume he’d want to work with me long term. I mean, helping with a mixtape is different to a business deal. I don’t know if I’d want to mess up our friendship like that.”

Hanbin nods.

More silence.

“Is it weird working with him? After everything that happened?”

There it is. Hanbin’s curiousity always gets the better of him.

“No, it’s not weird at all. We’re so different now. He’s good at this job but he’s still the same annoying control freak I met in college.”

“I thought you liked control freaks.”

He chuckles and leans over to kiss Hanbin’s cheek. “Only one of them. Everyone else is unbearable.”

Hanbin hums in reponse, oddly contemplative again. “It’ll be so weird.”

“What will?”

“When you’re all famous and performing everywhere. It’ll be so weird.”

His heart races a half-beat faster, knowing where this conversation is probably going to go. They’ve been down this road so many times that he can recognise it a mile away. 

“It’ll be like it is now. Just with more people knowing who Bobby is. That’s all.” He minimises things, because that’s the only way either of them will be able to deal with it. It doesn’t always work. Mainly because Hanbin knows this game all too well. 

“You don’t know that. I think everything will change.”

He sighs inwardly, hating the way uncertainty always creeps into their conversations like this.

“Yeah maybe but the important things won’t change. We’ll still be the same. I promise.”

Hanbin moves away, just slightly. “Don’t promise. I hate that word.”

He’s thinking of something else to say, to fix whatever this is before it gets worse, but Hanbin’s voice cuts through the silent darkness first.

“Sorry. I don’t know why I said that. Just….ignore it okay? It’s going to be fine. I know it. You’re going to be amazing.”

There’s a squeeze of his fingers before Hanbin rolls to the other side and tries to sleep.

He hates this too, the way they sometimes have these non-argument-arguments in bed and sleep on it. He knows Hanbin has this irrational fear that his success will change everything. And not in a good way. He knows there’s a lot of guilt too, as if Hanbin thinks he’s a bad person for even being worried about it.

He doesn’t know how to fix that yet. 

Some barriers might’ve been knocked down already but even after 6 months together he knows that Hanbin still doesn’t believe it when he tells him he won’t leave again. There’s always that cloud looming over his head and he can feel it especially strong on nights like this.

He rests his chin against Hanbin’s shoulder and pulls him closer.

“We should get a new apartment with my first rap-pay check.”

Maybe he can’t fix everything yet but he knows how to distract and divert Hanbin’s thoughts until he’s in a better mood.

“A new apartment? Where?”

“Somewhere overlooking the river? It’ll be nice.”

He slides his hand up the front of Hanbin’s t-shirt and rests his palm over the erratic heartbeat. He’s seen Hanbin do it so many times, as if the touch was enough to slow down a racing heart. Maybe it works. It’s worth a try. “And I’ll get you that dog you’re always talking about. What did you say it was? A puggle? What the hell is a puggle again?”

Hanbin’s chest laughs underneath his hand, the erratic heartbeats feel less erratic after a while. “It’s a cross between a beagle and a pug. You must think you’re gonna to be a millionaire, huh? New apartment and new dog? Seriously?”

He buries his face into Hanbin’s neck. “Yep. I’m gonna get you everything.”

“You don’t need to do that. You should get your parents something first. Something nice.” 

He somehow always knew that Hanbin would say something like that. He always knew that he chose the right one. This beautiful neurotic mess in their bed. This is who he wants to give the entire Universe to.

There’s a sigh and then a kiss across his back of his hand. “You’re gonna be so great. I know it.”

I’m great because I have you.

****
“Fuck, this really is a love song.” Jiho says in disbelief after the first pass of the track. “It’s even worse out loud.”

“Is it? It’s not that sappy is it?”

Jiho laughs through his headphones. “It’s sappy as hell. That’s why we got Beethoven’s drum beat under it to make it cool again.”

He fidgets in front of the mic. “No but is it…”

“-too much? Yes. Is it a bit cringey? Also yes.”

He groans and thinks about trashing the song altogether before Jiho’s voice cuts back in.

“But it’s good, Jiwon. Honestly. We spent two hours re-tuning the backing track, you can’t throw it away now. It’s already good after the first pass, that’s always a good sign something is going right. Trust me, I know these things.”

He shrugs. If it’s Hanbin’s song, it shouldn’t just be good enough. It should be better. “I don’t know….”

“Well I do. You wrote it. You believe it. I can hear it in your rapping. So listen to me and don’t fucking change anything. One day you’re gonna think about this time in your life and you’re not gonna want the clean edited version.”

He tries it again. Then again. Then again. It takes him two days just to lay down the rap track but he’s still not happy with it. 

“I don’t like the last bit.” He says when they break for lunch. “That one verse right at the end.”

Jiho pulls his notebook across the table to read through the lyrics again. 

“You need a better closing verse. It’s like you go through all this drama but you end with a shrug. I mean, I know that’s your style but it makes the song kinda weak.”

He tries everything to rewrite it. Pages and pages of rhymes and alliteration. Synonyms. Homonyms. Metaphorical. Allegorical. Verses that would be good on any other day and on any other track except this one. 

Jiho forces him to focus on the other song instead, to take his mind off Hanbin’s Beethoven Nightmare. It barely takes an afternoon to finalise and mix the other three tracks. 

Just one left. 

He’s drained when Jiho kicks him out the studio at 7pm but after dinner and a shower, he’s back on the couch with a notebook in his lap and words just buzzing aimlessly around his head.

Hanbin shuffles from their bedroom with a yawn. “Hey? It’s midnight. Come to bed?”

He shakes his head. “I really need to finish this. It’s the last verse of the last song. I need it to be right.”

Hanbin sits down heavily next to him and drapes the blanket around them. “What’s it about?”

“Just a story….” He says cryptically.

Hanbin is so sleepy and tired that he barely asks anything. “You’re always bad at ending things. Can’t even end a phone call.”

There’s a drowsy giggle before Hanbin lays down, head resting in his lap and blinking slowly at everything. “Just end it with goodnight.”

He runs his fingers through Hanbin’s hair, listening to the final sighs before Hanbin falls asleep.

Goodnight. 

Wait. 

Why didn’t he think of that?

He picks up his pen again, notebook balanced on a sleepy bony shoulder, and starts writing. His fingers are too fast, barely keeping up with the words that appear in his mind. He’s so tired and has no idea if any of this will make sense by the time the sun comes up. 

He only stops when his watch ticks over to 3am. Hanbin barely stirs as he carries him off to bed. The last thing he remembers thinking is, goodnight baby.

****

“Jesus, you look like shit.” Jiho says, sliding over the large coffee. 

“Well I feel like shit.” He says, voice ragged and raw even though it was only 10am. “That one stupid verse is trying to kill me.”

“Lucky last though. Think of how good you’re gonna feel when we get all four mixed and recorded.” Jiho says. “This’ll teach you not to get cocky and tell people you only need two weeks to record.”

He groans. It’s too early for any of this but he takes a swig of warm coffee and wanders over to the mic. The notebook on the stand looks a dictionary caught up in a blender. Words everywhere. But it’s in there, that one verse he liked, it’s in there somewhere. 

He doesn’t really know how it sounds. Just closes his eyes after awhile, words memorised and waits for Jiho to tell him if it’s too fast or too slow. 

After the third pass, there’s nothing but silence. 

He opens his eyes and looks over with a questioning eyebrow. “Too slow again?”

Jiho just chuckles and shakes his head. “Nah, you idiot. It was just right. I can’t believe you ever thought you’d be a mechanic forever.”

He shrugs, blinking just to stay awake so Jiho sends him home. “Go sleep it off. And don’t call me until I finish mixing this thing.”

He wants to protest, wants to hear his playback to make sure it’s perfect but he’s too tired to argue now. 

As soon as he’s home, he crashes face down on their couch, only waking up slowly when he can feel a warm hand rubbing circles into his back. 

“Hey.”

“Hey….I fell asleep.” 

“Yeah. You hungry? I got food on the way home.”

He’s setting the table as Hanbin goes to change out of his work clothes but his hand pauses over the lids of the hot take-away containers. Is Hanbin paying for everything? They never even talked about this arrangement. They never talked about how he was essentially unemployed and was just going through his life savings. Maybe he should’ve asked Hanbin if this was okay? Jesus, why was he only thinking about this right now?

“JIWON, YOUR PHONE IS RINGING. IT’S JIHO. WANT ME TO PICK IT UP?” 

“YEAH.”

He’s still so disorientated that he doesn’t even bother going into the bedroom to take the rest of the call. Hanbin can deal with it, whatever it is.

But Hanbin comes running out moments later with a big grin on his face. “He’s coming over. It’s finished.”

He sets down their plates carefully, not sure if he heard that right. “He what? Coming over where? Here?”

“Yeah.” 

“How can he finish it? I just did the rap this morning.”

Hanbin gives him an amused look. “That was like 8 hours ago.”

Then it hits him. And he looks at Hanbin in horror. “Oh my god. He finished it.”

“Yeah, I know.”

They don’t eat, he’s too nervous. By the time there’s a knock on their door, he’s ready to jump out of his skin. 

“HOW THE HELL DID YOU FINISH IT ALREADY.” He half-yells as he pulls Jiho into a quick hug. "Where is it?!” 

A plain white CD is pulled out of a bag and placed into his hands. He just stares at it. 

His first official mixtape. 

It looked so…unassuming. 

Jiho punches him lightly on the arm. “Loser, stop staring at it. It doesn’t even have artwork. Anyway, I can’t stay. I need to go pick up my dad for dinner. Listen to it though, tell me what you think.”

He watches as Hanbin comes out to thank Jiho at least three times for coming over and helping them with the recording. He chimes in to be polite but as soon as the door clicks shut he’s already opening the CD with all the patience of a 5 year old. 

Just before his finger hits the ‘play’ button on their sound system, he turns to look over his shoulder at Hanbin sitting on their couch. There will be critics, lots of them, but all he cares about right now is making this one person proud of him. It makes him more nervous that he expected. 

“Okay, just keep in mind that I only had two weeks to do this. So it’s not the greatest thing in the history of music.”

“Okay.” Hanbin nods.

“And I could probably do a better job if I had all the time and money in the World.”

“Okay.” 

“And you should also know that-”

Hanbin walks over, kisses his mouth shut and presses down on the ‘play’ button. “It’s going to be fine.”

He’ll never forget it. The way his heart freezes then beats in time with the first bass line that thumps through the speakers. It was real. This was his mixtape. How did he even pull this off? How did Jiho even mix this so quickly? How did any of this happen? 

He’s half-listening and half-watching Hanbin’s face but at the same time, his mind is far away, in some other realm of disbelief. 

“Is that really you? Oh my god. OH MY GOD. You sound insane.” Hanbin says in hushed tones before turning to look at him. “I can’t believe you have a proper mixtape.”

“I can’t believe I have one either.” He replies, definitely feeling like he’s having some kind of out of body experience. 

The first three tracks were things Hanbin had heard before, longer versions of cyphers he’d performed at various mic nights. But the last one was definitely new. It was the Beethoven Rap. The Goodnight Sonata. That Nightmare Oneverse. He wants to hit pause and say something but Hanbin’s hand is gripping his leg painfully so he just lets it play without any kind of introduction. 

No direction for the wicked, no prizes for the tame, everyday turns out to be just the same, just the same

But Winter came with this apple rain, found you through opened doors and window panes

Dragged me into this winner’s game with plans for change, I’m sorry I was just a fool with messy aim

But it’s not for the fame. Bobby’s just another name. Jiwon’s still the same. 

So bring me all your pain. I bleed tiger ink for you, no maths can explain.

But there’s no more lost sights now, only bright lights, skin bites and fist fights on my mic nights now

But it’s all good, right

Coz you’re my goodnight, right

Goodnight.

When it’s over Hanbin’s hands are shaking slightly. He’s staring at the floor with million thoughts in his head.

“It’s so good Jiwon.” Hanbin says quietly. “It’s so good.”

"Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Hanbin stands up abruptly and holds out his hand. 

He stares at it, confused. “Um…what…”

Hanbin doesn’t wait or explain, just reaches down to grab the front of his t-shirt and drag him towards their bedroom. 

“Seriously?” He says, trying to keep the arrogant smugness out of this voice. “That easy huh?”

Hanbin glares at him as he throws his t-shirt on the ground. “Shut up.”

He’s going to have to send Jiho the world’s biggest cookie basket for this. 

Chapter Text

November isn’t really what Hanbin expected. He had hoped for the best and expected the worst. November was a good song that ended too soon. Or a car ride that was too fast. He was a knife and November was a damm gun fight.

One minute he’s on their roof, eating take-away, a little bit sore but feeling content just sitting there and eating in silence.

The next thing he knows, Jiwon is pulling up in front of the Daily Grind offices to pick him up after work. He’s in that white shirt again, this time with fitted black jeans, black boots and the smell of that Jo Malone perfume that only gets used on special occasions.

That hair was still a mess though. Some things never change.

“Hey.” Jiwon greets him with a wide smile as always.

But he stops in his tracks to take everything in. He has a sixth sense about Jiwon and it’s almost never wrong. “Oh my god.”

Jiwon must have expected it because he laughs and shakes his head. “Oh my god, what?”

“Something happened. What happened?” He demands with a pointed accusatory finger.

Jiwon rolls his eyes and sighs. “Just get in the car, Hanbin. Your paranoia is showing.”

He stays frozen in his spot on the pavement and he knows it must look weird but he doesn’t care, the passersby can walk around him. “No. Something happened to you. Tell me.”

“I’ll tell you in the car.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No! I want to know now-”

“Hanbin? Please just get in the car.” Jiwon pleads in a tired voice.

A few curious heads turn in their direction and he feels a small prick of worry creeping up his neck but it’s nothing compared to the anxiety in his chest. They just stare at each other for a moment and he expects Jiwon to back down but he doesn’t.

When did that even happen? Since when did Jiwon even learn how to do that? Since when did he let Jiwon defeat him?

“Okay, fine. Drama queen.” He mutters before walking to the passengers side that Jiwon holds open for him.

“Oh my god…” Jiwon says under his breath as he climbs into the other seat and reverses out of the parking spot and down a quieter side road. They don’t get very far before he’s reach the end of his patience.

“JIWON.” He whines.

“Wait….let me find a park….”

There really isn’t one on the street so they drive down a dark and partially deserted underground carpark. It’s as ominous as the cloud hovering over his head.

“Okay.” Jiwon starts, cutting the engine and pulling his seatbelt off. “Don’t freak out but-”

“Well, that’s a dumb thing to say-”

A hand clamps down on his thigh in warming. “Hanbin…”

He sits back in his seat with what he knows is a childish huff. “Okay, sorry. Go on…”

“Okay. So ummm, I had a meeting with BeatBox today. You probably figured that out by now. They said they liked the mixtape and wanted to talk about signing me up for a 3 year deal. I was going to just sign right there and then but I remembered what you said about reading all the fine print so I said I wanted to take it home and think about it and……Hanbin? Are you even listening?”

No he isn’t. He stopped listening after “signing me up for a 3 year deal”.

The hand on his thigh squeezes it lightly and Jiwon peers into his face with worry. “Are you okay?”

He shakes head. “No. I’m …..just give me a second.”

He climbs out the car to take a few deep breaths and stare into the darkness. Now he understands why Jiwon wanted to drive him somewhere more secluded, to a place where he can freak out properly without embarrassing himself in public.

When he gets back in the car, Jiwon is looking at him with a big toothy grin. “Feel better? Thought I told you not to freak out?”

“And I thought I told you that I hate surprises. Looks like nobody is getting what they want.”

Jiwon’s hand finds it way up his neck and across his cheek. “Yeah, this is such bad news.”

“Where’s the contract? I want to read it.” He asks, eyes searching around the car.

Jiwon sighs a second time and ruffles his hair until it’s a matching shaggy mess. “Why did I even think this would be some memorable romantic moment…..”

A heavy white envelope is dropped into his lap. “There. Go nuts. I’ll just be over here, waiting for my boyfriend to congratulate me like a normal person would. No big deal.”

He pulls the contract out of the envelope and the sheer weight and number of pages is terrifying.  So this is how Jiwon’s new life begins. He can hardly believe that any of it even came true. It wasn’t so long ago that they were still dreaming of this together.

There’s a whiny noise of irritation next to him. “Biggest day of my life and I’m upstaged by a word document. Great.”

He smiles to himself before sliding the contract back in its envelope and throwing it into the backseat. He thinks about waiting until they drive home but the parking lot is still empty so he climbs into Jiwon’s lap and hovers inches over his face. “Is this romantic enough for you?”

Jiwon is staring at his lips. He’s so obvious that it’s adorable.

He doesn’t know how long they just kiss for but by the time he comes up for air, he forgets where they are.

“You just like me for my contract don’t you?” Jiwon murmurs, hands roaming under his shirt and scratching down his back.

He licks into Jiwon’s mouth again and bites at his pouty lower lip. “Mmm, yeah. I love your big thick contract. I’m going to read it all night long. My eyes are going to be so sore when I’m done.”

Fingers dig painfully into his back and Jiwon groans. “Don’t say stuff like that unless you want me to do something about it.”

He pulls at Jiwon’s hair to get better access to his lips. “Why do you think I said it….”

There’s a laugh that he can hear in his ears and feel in his mouth. When they pull apart a second time, he’s breathless and getting lightheaded.

“So,” Jiwon says quietly, reaching up brush some warm fingers across his cheek. “You proud of me yet?”

He sits back and studies Jiwon’s face for a moment. There’s a smile, there’s always a smile, but there’s also the slightest tinge of insecurity. He’d never pick up on it if not for the fact that he sees it almost every day in the mirror.

He’s caught between feeling offended and guilty. Offended that Jiwon would even doubt him but guilty because he knows he never tells Jiwon how he really feels about him.

“Of course I am. I was proud of you even before you got this deal. You know that right?”

“Oh….Okay.” Jiwon replies with a smaller lopsided smile. “You’re kind of taking this better than I thought you would.”

He shrugs. “I always knew this was going to happen for you eventually. I was just waiting for the rest of the world to catch up.”

Jiwon sighs again and frowns. “Can I tell you something else?”

“Yeah.”

“Once I sign the contract, it’s going to be crazy busy.”

He leans forward and wraps his arms around Jiwon’s body again. “I know. It’s going to be a wild ride.”

“You’ll be there for it, right?”

His heart fractures just a little bit at the way Jiwon is so unsure of himself now, despite the amount of times he’s won and keeps on winning. Part of him understands it, the way insecurities creep into everything no matter how hard you push them away, but the other part can’t understand it at all. Jiwon has everything going for him. A whole new life to begin. What was there to even be scared about?

“I’ll be wherever you want me to be.”

*****

June invites them out to dinner to celebrate. Hanbin doesn’t really want to go. He doesn’t know how long he can keep this version of Jiwon all to himself for. It’s selfish but love is selfish sometimes and there’s nothing he can do to get rid of it’s greed.

But it’s nice. And he’s just happy to watch Jiwon laugh and bicker with June over things that weren’t even worth bickering over: like if he’s going to dedicate a song to each of them or if he’s going to make embarrassing hip-hop videos or when he’s going to buy June a Porsche.

There’s a nudge at his elbow as Yun leans across the table and asks him how he took the good news today.

“Did he text you? Because that’s about as romantic as I expect him to be.” Yun says, nibbling on a breadstick. “He told us he moved in with you via a post-it. It literally said; at hbin’s house now.”

“Because you guys aren’t worth a 10 cent text.” Jiwon interjects snidely.

June looks at him with a shake of his head. “See how he disrespects us? This is what I’ve been trying to warn you about for 6 months. It’s not too late to leave. If you’re into tattooed music clowns, I can set you up with this guy that’s been coming to the shop lately.”

Jiwon makes a disgusting noise. “Are you talking about that Jungkook kid? No way. He goes to my gym, he’s a little punk.”

“At least he can perform on stage without his pants falling down.” Yun says quietly into his glass of wine.

“I told you, that was deliberate. All the guys were doing it!”

June leans towards him again. “Seriously though Hanbin, if you ever want out, just let me know. I think you’ve suffered for 5 months longer than any human man should have to.”

He laughs at Jiwon’s indignant face as there’s another burst of argument.

Yun sighs, leaning back in his chair. “They’re like this every single time they’re within a 5 metres of each other. If anyone has suffered, it’s me. Please don’t leave okay? I need you as a buffer.”

“I won’t.” He says with a chuckle.

They end up talking about award shows over the entrees, music videos over the main course and how rich Jiwon will be over dessert. He loves thinking about Jiwon’s future and all the things he will get to do but there’s still that selfish part of him that resurfaces again, the part that doesn’t really want to share Jiwon with anyone. The more people that Jiwon meets, the more likely he’ll eventually find the guy who he is probably meant to end up with.

He can feel a frown forming so he occupies his mouth with cake instead. There’s a hand that sneaks behind his back to draw him slightly closer and for the billionth time in 25 years, he just wishes he was a regular person who knew how to act normally and didn’t have a brain that tries to ruin every single situation with pessimism.

By the time a second round of dessert is ordered Jiwon’s hand leaves his back to rest on his upper thigh. He likes it. Not because it’s possessive, and it was a little bit, but because he likes the feeling that they’re always connected, even when they’re not talking to each other. The conversation goes on without him so he reaches under the table and traces over all the prominent veins on the surface of Jiwon’s hand.

He really should’ve stopped drinking 3 glasses ago but someone keeps setting down something new in front of him. Either he drank too fast or Jiwon was drinking too slow because when he looks over with glazed eyes, all he can focus on is how Jiwon’s bottom lip always sticks out so much.

There’s a burst of laughter and suddenly his eyes are caught in Jiwon’s too-sober gaze. “What?”

“Nothing.” He shakes his head but even as he does it, he can’t even tear his eyes away from that face. Jiwon smiles at him before turning away. The hand under the table squeezes tighter around his thigh.

They share a rowdy and chaotic taxi home and and he doesn’t remember what was said in the backseat, just snippets of laughter, an old song on the radio, the cool air from an opened window, the way the night sky and sparkling lights whiz by and Jiwon’s hand still on his leg.

He wants to remember everything.

****

November felt so different. It wasn’t really a month. It was more like a circus with something happening at every turn. It was like someone just hit the fast-forward button on their life and now all they could do was try to keep up.

In the week after his BeatBox meeting, Jiwon felt something change in himself. Hanbin was right, he had never been expected to do anything or have any real responsibility for anyone but himself. Maybe there had been some kind of parental pressure to find a wife and settled down but after awhile even his parents must have come to terms with his need for independence and freedom.

But now he wasn’t just a single entity anymore. He wasn’t just Jiwon. Not really. He belonged to someone and to something. It went against all 26 years of living freely and doing what he wanted, whenever he wanted. He will never tell Hanbin about all those nights where he freaked out about falling in love because….well, he isn’t someone who falls in love, he barely even knew what that was like. Maybe he thought he knew but when Hanbin came along, it just proved beyond a shadow of doubt that he didn’t know anything.

He wasn’t just Jiwon. He was Jiwon-And-Hanbin, said in the same breath as June-And-Yunhyeong. Donghyuk-And-Coffee. Chicken-And-Beer. Music-And-Lyrics.

He was in a unit and he had actual responsibilities now: to himself, to Hanbin, to their life and their future. He wasn’t just living for himself anymore. The choices he makes affects someone else, just like the mistakes he makes will.

It was…..terrifying and claustrophobic and he doesn’t really know how to deal with it when it all finally hits him at 2 in the morning.

His first instinct is to just run away.

But there’s a hand that rubs his back when he tosses and turns a few too many times. “You okay?” Hanbin asks in a sleepy voice.

He doesn’t know. Is he okay?

“I’m fine. Go back to sleep.” He replies, probably not convincing anybody, least of all Hanbin.

“What is it? You want to tell me?”

The back rub is soothing and he wishes it wasn’t because it makes it harder for him to leave their bed and this conversation. “I’m just……I don’t know. Maybe this isn’t meant to happen like this.”

“Like what?”

“Like if I fuck it up, it’s not just me who has to deal with it. It’s you and the record label and the producer who went out of his way to get me the contract. I just wanted to make music and perform but this is turning out to be a whole big deal and I’m just…..I don’t want a whole big deal….and I don’t want you to expect anything from me because I might just disappoint you.”

He doesn’t really hear it until he gets to the end. He’s freaking out. He hasn’t had one in a long time.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay.” Hanbins says gently in his ear and turns him around so he can bury his head into the smaller, but somehow more softer, chest. “I don’t really care if you fuck things up. I told you. I don’t care if things never get any better than this. You can fuck things up as many times as you want but I know you, I know you’re going to be great at this. You’re already great and you haven’t even started.”

He shakes his head.

“You are. You know you are. You always have been. You went out and got everything you said you wanted to get. It’s more than I’ve ever done Jiwon. You’re the opposite of a disappointment.”

“I don’t want things to change.” He says into Hanbin’s chest, wondering where the hell all his confidence and optimism went. Maybe he had been living in some bubble for too long. Maybe this is what it’s like living a normal adult life, complete with all it’s complications. “I don’t want to sign a contract that locks me in for three years. What if they make me tour for like 12 months straight? What if you can’t come with me?”

There’s a gentle laugh underneath him. “Did you even read anything besides the first page of that contract?”

“It’s too long.” He grumbles.

“Well, I read the whole thing and it doesn’t even say anything about a big world tour until year 2. You write and record for the sixth months, then they’ll try you out in clubs and events. If people like you, they’ll put you on the promo rounds. If that goes well, they’ll push for either a mini-album or a full album, depending on how popular you get. You won’t be going on any crazy 12 month tour for years.”

He knows it’s meant to make him feel better but it doesn’t really. “What if no-one likes me?”

“You must be kidding right?” Hanbin asks in an amused tone. “You know you have fangirls and guys already don’t you?”

“I don’t know.” He’s getting pathetic and whiny but he can’t help it.

There’s a hand carding softly through his hair. “Think of it this way, BeatBox could’ve picked anyone but they picked you. They’ve been to so many mic nights and they still picked you. It wasn’t an accident. They planned it. And they have plans for you. All you need to do is show up. It’s in their interest not to let you fail. And besides, you’ll always have me. If it helps.” Hanbin concludes with a laugh.

He’s known for a while now that there are days where Hanbin needs him in some way, whether it’s just a little physical contact or a lot of emotional support but the more time that passes and the more he grows up, the more he realises he needs Hanbin just as much.

“Can you read all my contracts?”

“Even if you don’t ask.”

“And come to all my shows?”

“Even if I’m not invited.”

“And maybe not date any other rappers?”

“Now you’re just being unrealistic, Jiwon.”

He shoves at Hanbin’s chest and gets that adorable high pitched giggle in return.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding!” Hanbin laughs. “I already got the most ridiculous one, everyone else would be a total downgrade now.”

He settles back into Hanbin’s chest. “Why does everything have to be so complicated when you grow up?”

“Because adults like complicating things and business ruins art. But that doesn’t mean we should stop trying.”

He hmms in response and just enjoys the warm comfortable silence of their bed.

There’s a long sigh underneath him. “I can’t sleep now.”

“Me either. Sorry, I woke you.”

“It’s okay.” Hanbin yawns and stretches out. “I’m kinda thirsty. Do you want anything?”

“I really feel like a hot chocolate. With those marshmallows.”

“Are you also five years old?”

“Yes.”

****

November is throwing everything at him.

One minute he’s in their bed, having a dream about pudgy cheeks and bunnyteeth smiles and the next thing he knows, Jiwon is having a mid-adult-crisis and he’s now standing in their kitchen trying to find the mini-marshmallows for the hot chocolate.

Jiwon shuffles in eventually, looking like a crumpled mess as always. He hopes that never changes.

“Why did you get up? I was going to bring it to you.”

“Got lonely waiting.” Jiwon shrugs.

“It’s been like seven minutes.”

Jiwon takes the packet of marshmallows from his hands, throws it on the kitchen counter and just pulls him into a tight hug. He doesn’t really say anything or explain. Just holds on tight and whispers the same thing over and over again.

He gets the bittersweet feeling that one day, in the not-too-distant-future when they’re both too busy, he will miss this moment. He misses it even though he’s still right in the middle of it and can feel the way the seconds tick closer and closer towards the end. 

Because every beginning must have an end right?

He grabs the back of Jiwon’s shirt and holds on just as tight. Maybe he can make this last longer. Maybe some beginnings don’t have to end.

Chapter Text

A train riding on its tracks, reaching the station on time. The morning news playing as they eat breakfast. Macy Gray on the radio. The neighbour’s dog always barking when it hears a car door closing. The neighbourhood kids arguing about whose turn it was. The sun rising in the morning and setting in the distance as they both come home from work. The way Jiwon’s t-shirts are always so warm and soft under his fingers as they fall asleep every night.

There are so many things he used to blink-and-miss but in the days after Jiwon’s record deal signing, they become more and more obvious. They were insignificant really but he catalogues them anyway, filing them in his head for some day in the future when Jiwon is on tour half way across the world and he gets busy with his own life. He’ll need these memories.

He doesn’t want to forget anything and of all the irrational fears he might have, this was right up there, it was just below the fear that Jiwon will someday forget him too.

But today is a new day. He once promised that he would try to change his bad habits. He tries, he has to. Even when Jiwon blindsides him with the last thing he expected to hear tonight. 

“Say that again?” He says, feeling the cold dread wash over him as they sit down to dinner.

“My parents, they want to meet you.” Jiwon says nervously, getting paler by the minute. “They’re throwing a dinner for me, to celebrate the record deal.”

“Do they even know I exist? How would they know that? Did you tell them?”

Jiwon runs a tired hand through his hair. “I accidentally told my mum on the phone today-”

“Accidentally?! What the hell does that mean? What did you accidentally say?!” He says, trying to keep the accusatory tones out of his voice and probably failing, judging by the way Jiwon frowns and sits back in his chair.

“It’s not my fault! She cornered me! I was just saying how those two weeks making the mixtape were hell and I probably would’ve starved to death if you hadn’t force fed me. Then she was like, “Who force fed you?” and then I got stuck and said your name. Do you know how hard it is to talk to someone and not say your name?!” Jiwon suddenly shifts and looks him in the eye. “This was your idea! You told me to call my parents about this!”

Keep calm.

Keep calm.

“What else did you say?” He says, staring at how parallel the chopsticks were on the table and trying to ignore his heart thumping in his chest.

“Nothing! She asked me if you were a friend and I said you were. They wanted to invite you over because I said I couldn’t have done anything without you. They invited Jiho too but he’s out of town. I don’t think they know anything else, don’t worry.”

He snorts and can’t help laughing at how naive Jiwon is sometimes. “Does she know we live together?”

“I don’t think so?”

“But you told her I’m your guy friend that you can’t do things without?”

“Yeah.”

“Right…..”

“What?” Jiwon looks at him with innocent confusion. At any other time he’d find it endearing and right now he finds it mildly irritating but no no no, he doesn’t want to start another fight. He promised to get rid of his bad habits. He promised.

Shaking his head and picking up his chopsticks, he tries to ignore the voice in head that’s screaming loudly. “Nothing. I don’t think I should come though. Maybe you should just celebrate this with your family? I don’t want to like, gatecrash.”

“But you’re my family too. You know that right?”

When he looks up, Jiwon’s face still has that innocent confused expression on it, like he was just stating the obvious and looking at him as if to ask, “Why don’t you already know that?”

But how could be possibly know what’s in Jiwon’s head? It’s only been seven months. Should he have figured this out by now? Why didn’t he see this all coming? He was meant to be good with this sort of thing. Love has messed with his head.

But I promised.

I promised.

He groans in frustration, pulling at his hair before looking at Jiwon with a resigned sigh. “Fine. I’ll go. But if it all goes to shit-”

“-then it all goes to shit.” Jiwon grins. “So what?”

He rolls his eyes and kicks at the ankles under the table. “Shut up and eat.”

****

“Babe…..it’s fine…..that one is fine.” He says, putting on his jacket and adjusting the sleeves. “You don’t need to change.”

Hanbin is standing in front of the mirror, surveying his appearance with a critical eye and deep frown. The black pants fit just right and the light blue shirt was a softer shade against his skin. “Does this seem too casual? I don’t want to them to think I’m not making an effort. Maybe I should go with the white one after all.”

He looks at his watch, they were going to be late. “No no no no no. You look great. You look perfect. It’s perfect. We also really don’t have time for you to change.”

He pulls Hanbin away from the mirror, closing their wardrobe, grabbing the navy coat on the chair and ushering him out the room.

“You aren’t exactly objective about this…..” Hanbin mutters, begrugingly sliding into the coat that’s held out for him. “I don’t want to make a bad impression.”

He grabs his keys and pockets his phone with an eye roll. “Okay, fine. You’re ugly and you look horrible. But you are still not changing again. We gotta go or we’re gonna hit the Friday peak hour traffic in the city.”

“It’s like you don’t even care how I look or if they’ll like me.” Hanbin says under his breath. “Typical.”

He hands Hanbin the box of specialty cakes and nudges him out their door. “Well, I don’t.”

It’s not until they’re in the car, driving down through the city, that Hanbin asks him. “What did you mean when you said that you didn’t care? Aren’t you worried? They’re your parents, they’re going to figure it out.”

He shrugs, looking across at Hanbin’s anxious face for a moment. “Yeah, I am. I want them to like you, of course I do. But I can’t control what happens and if you want me to be honest, I don’t really care. It’s not like it’s going to change what happens to us.”

That doesn’t help Hanbin’s building anxiety at all, it just adds to the shaking of his hand, the way he pulls at the thread on his coat and plays with the door handles, but sometimes Hanbin just needs to hear the truth.

“They’re going to figure it out Jiwon.” Hanbin says quietly, frowning out the window again. “I’m going to walk in and they’re going to know. What then? Jesus, why didn’t we think this through?”

He can feel the rising panic in Hanbin’s voice and the way the tension grows in the confined space of his car. They’ve been here before, more times than he cares to remember, and he knows that if he just ignores it, they’re probably only 5 minutes away from turning around and driving back home.

Not today.

It’s time to do this.

He slows down, pulling into a quite side street before cutting the engine. He just has to let Hanbin be Hanbin sometimes. “You’re freaking out.”

“Well, what did you expect? That I was just going to be all calm about this? Have you even met me?” Hanbin says irritably.

“Do it. I’ll wait.”

“Do what?”

“Freak out.”

“I’m not freaking out!” Hanbin says in a huff, folding his arms across his chest. “I’m just saying…..do they even realise that I’m a guy? Do they know you’re with a guy? Oh my god, do they still think you’re into girls? What if they think you’re into girls? And then I walk in and they’ll go, “You’re dating a guy! We’re never going to get grandchildren!” So basically I’m going there to ruin your life and their life. This is a bad idea Jiwon. Maybe you should just go by yourself.”

It takes Hanbin another five minutes before he’s run out of words or run out of breath or just run out of steam.

“Are you done?”

“Yes.” Hanbin says, sinking into his seat again.

“Can I talk now?”

“If you want.”

He unbuckles their seatbelts and pulls Hanbin into his lap, despite the grumpy protester resisting him all the way.

“Okay. Firstly, it’s okay to freak out about this. It’d be weirder if you didn’t freak out. But when I said I don’t care what anybody thinks, I really mean it. If they like you, great, our life will probably be easier. But if they don’t? If they have some kind a problem with you or us, then so what? I won’t change how I feel about you. I’ll still drive you home after this and we’re going to keep doing what we were doing before. I don’t need anybody’s approval to do this with you.”

It sounded better in his head when he was preparing for it but now that he’s said it out loud and can see Hanbin’s frown, he realises he might have oversimplified everything again.

“So, what? We’re just not going to have any parents? I already messed things up with mine, what if I mess things up with yours too?”

He holds Hanbin’s face in his hands, marvelling at how much he loves it, even when it was angry and annoyed at him.

“You’re not going to-”

“BUT WHAT IF I DO?!” Hanbin exclaims in exasperation. “What if we never have parents?!”

“Then I guess our kids won’t have any grandparents either.”

His words hang in the air between them and Hanbin shrinks away from him, eyes wide in horror or shock or something along those lines. He doesn’t know what to say after that, it just came out, so instead of trying to explain himself he just holds on and waits for whatever comes next.

It’s a long time before Hanbin’s quiet shaky voice cuts through the silence. “Do you….do you think about that sort of stuff?”

“Yeah, I do. Do you?”

“Sometimes.”

“Well, I’m serious about it. It’s part of the plan remember? Do you really think I’m going to let a few people tell me I can’t have it?”

Hanbin shrugs, looking at him like he’s gone completely crazy. He doesn’t even deny it. He has gone crazy. Everything about finding Hanbin and being so in love with their life has made him crazy. In a good way but….still crazy.

“You know it’s been seven months? That’s how long it’s been.” He says with a sigh, hand now resting on the left side of Hanbin’s chest, feeling that erratic heart rhythm and waiting for things to steer back on course. “And we’ve had like three massive fights. Your parents hate me. My parents don’t even know. I broke my hand. I lost my job. We broke up….”

“Is this going anywhere good?” Hanbin asks skeptically. “Or is this a highlight reel of everything bad? What’s your point Jiwon?”

“My point is that we’re still together. You’re okay. I’m okay. I got a new job. My hand isn’t as broken. And I still like you, even when you’re being so fucking difficult. So yeah, this is going somewhere good and I know that deep deep down in the bottomless pit you call your soul, you must know that too. Otherwise, why the hell would you go through all this horrible shit to be with a half broke rapper who can only make you ridiculous promises at this point?”

Hanbin had been narrowing his eyes this whole time but it doesn’t take long before they soften and turn that mellow shade of brown again. He can see the conflict behind them, the push and pull between wanting to do what’s safe (go home, hide from everything) and wanting or knowing that it’s time to be brave and face his fears again.

“You are so annoying with your stupid right words at all the stupid right moments. I really hate you right now.”

But even as Hanbin says it, he can feel the heart beat underneath his fingers returning to a slower, more regular rhythm.

“I hate you too, baby.” He can’t help but smile like an idiot because he knows that this is Hanbin trying. This is Hanbin fighting through years of deeply entrenched bad habits that have done more that just psychologically scared him. He keeps smiling because he is so proud of the person Hanbin is, was, wants to be…..and most importantly, the person he is on the way to becoming. He’s just proud of everything. 

There’s a groan before a hand pushes at his face. “Stop looking at me with your dumb dopey face.”

“Never.”

“……good.”

He wasn’t expecting the kiss; slow, deep and unhurried, but then again, he never really sees those coming.

“Ready to go?”

“No.”

“Do it anyway?”

“Yeah.”

He wakes up the BMW and steers them back on the main freeway towards his parent’s house.

Chapter Text

The neighbourhood was on the outskirts of the city, close enough for Jiwon’s parents to commute to work in a reasonable amount of time but far enough from the smog and chaos that there was some semblance of quiet surburbia.

The house was a neat and modest single-story, its walls off-white stucco, like a weathered canvas for the pink roses and orange hibiscus trees that were splashed across its surface. There were two white lions statues sitting by the front door because, well, of course there would be.

Hanbin doesn’t want to talk or breathe or think right now. Of all the things that make their relationship real, this must be one of the realest. Real and scary, like that time he fought with his parents or when he could no longer hide from the realisation that he was actually in love and that there would never be any escape from it.

There’s nowhere to run and nowhere to hide now either. It was too late to ask Jiwon to drive him home but even as the rising nerves makes him feel sick, he knows that deep deep down, he can’t just keep bailing out. Not this time. Not again.

The cardboard cake box gives way slightly underneath his too-firm-too-sweaty grip and he wishes he could take his coat off because it was suddenly stifling hot, even as the cool evening breeze brushes through his hair and across the back of his neck, making him shiver involuntarily.

Jiwon takes the box of cakes from his hands and places it on the small bench by the door. He wonders if it’s where Jiwon’s parents sit to watch the sunset over their garden. He wonders if they’ve talked about him or what kind of conclusion they’ve reached after hearing his name and knowing of his existence in their son’s life. What kind of assumptions have they made and will he just disappoint them?

“Hey?” Jiwon says, reaching out to take his right hand. “Thanks for coming with me. I know it’s not really how you wanted to spend your Friday night.”

He shakes his head. “No, it’s okay. I should be here....I want to be here.”

“Okay.” Jiwon smiles at his response and leans in to kiss his cheeks, it’s always the left first then the right second. It’s not the worst habit he’s developed since they’ve been together. “We can tell them as much as you want. Even if it’s nothing. It’s okay. I just want them all to meet you.”

“You can tell them.” He blurts out, surprised by his own rash decision and voice. “I mean, if they ask, you don’t have to lie. I don’t know how they’re going to take it though, not like you’re dating some total prize-”

Jiwon pulls him forward suddenly to kiss him fully on the lips, it wasn’t anything like their usual kisses because well, they were standing in someone’s front porch, but he doesn’t need that hungry desperate kind of kiss all the time. His favourite kisses are the ones where Jiwon wants to say something to him but can’t find the words. He can always tell those kisses from the other ones.

“Whatever happens, just remember that none of it changes anything. Okay?”

He nods and tries to believe it.

There’s a final squeeze of his hand before Jiwon gives him the box of cakes and rings the doorbell.

****

Hanbin doesn’t have a full blown panic attack.

He doesn’t die.

The world doesn’t end.

Jiwon’s parents don’t ask if they’re dating or sleeping together or planning to get married.

In between the chaotic conversations and being told to eat more than humanly possible, they just ask him questions about the apartment, his work, if Jiwon does any housework and how he dealt with the Mixtape Recording Hell. Those questions were easy. Those questions had easy answers.

Maybe the difficult personal questions don’t come because Jiwon’s brother, Jiun, and his fiancé Jeeyoung, keep interrupting. He doesn’t know if Jiwon had asked them to do that but he’s grateful either way. Judging by the sympathetic looks thrown in his direction, they must know exactly how he feels, having only dealt with in-laws recently themselves.

And it’s right then, half-way through dinner, that he gets the impression that the whole night was less about celebrating Jiwon’s record deal and more about everyone trying to figure their relationship out. This wasn’t how things were meant to go.

“So, Hanbin. How did you meet Jiwon? He won’t tell us anything.”

Jiwon groans beside him. “Mum! Nobody wants to hear that.”

“Your mother does.” She says.

“Me too.” Jiwon’s dad echoes with a chuckle. “What is with you and all the secrets lately, Jiwon?”

“Can’t a guy just live his life without the third-degree?!”

Underneath the table, he can feel a hand squeezing his leg, a reassuring anchor as always, telling him that it’s okay.

“Um, well. We met in July. It was that day where there were summerstorms all over Seoul and um, we were just standing in the same place at the same time, waiting for the rain to pass.”

Their meeting sounds so underwhelming without all the additional details that he still remembers from that day. Like the wet handshake, the lines of Jiwon’s tattoos under his white t-shirt, being surrounded by all those flowers, the way Jiwon drinks his coffee, the unfinished Richard Parker tattoo and Life of Pi...

He smiles at the memory, mostly to himself, but when he looks up Jiwon’s mum is looking at him with a curious expression on her face. He knows he just gave himself away. Mums are always the first to know everything. He pretends to take a drink of water because her gaze was almost as intense as his own mother’s.

“Are you a motivational life coach?” Jiwon’s dad suddenly asks with a laugh. “You must be! You know, last time I went to visit him, his apartment looked like a, oh what do you kid’s call it…..a bachelor pad! There were car parts in his oven, gym equipment all over the floor and a cupboard full of protein shakes and cereal!”

There’s another groan from Jiwon beside him but he can’t help laughing and reaching under the table to squeeze the fingers on his leg.

“Then a month later, I come over and he makes me sit down for a cup of tea in this apartment that I don’t even recognise and tells me he’s gone into rapping now. I bet that was your doing wasn’t it?”

“Dad-”

“He used to rap as a boy, I think he started in seventh grade, listening to that Chu Tang Clan or Doctor rapper. I’m a little biased of course but he had so much talent, even back then. He grew up and wasted it for years until now.” Jiwon’s dad says with a shake of his head. “You know, in college, his mother and I had to-”

“Dad!” Jiwon exclaims shrilly, causing everyone to laugh. “Can you not?”

“I just want you to acknowledge that your mother and I predicted this all those years ago. And here you are, finally making something of it. I’m just trying to tell you that we’re very proud of you.”

Jiun chimes in then, pointing out that he was the one who bought Jiwon his first rap CD and should therefore, get the most credit.

Jiwon’s dad cackles loudly at that. “Oh, so I can blame you for introducing him to all the swearing and bad fashion choices too, Jiun?”

After that, there were just voices talking on top of each other, he can’t really follow all of it, he just knows that everyone was happy and laughing at Jiwon’s expense.

Jiwon’s mum tries to get her boys to lower their voices and across the table Jeeyoung gives him an amused look as if to say, “Yeah, they’re always like this. Get used to it."

He hopes they are. He had forgotten what it was like to have a family dinner where everyone actually liked each other, wanted to be there and could just be themselves. He was actually enjoying himself and hopes that one day, in the near-distant future, he might be able to have something exactly like this.

****

Jiwon insists on drying the dishes with his mum as Hanbin gets dragged away for a tour of the house and garden. She had been oddly more quiet than usual during the dinner and he gets an uneasy feeling in his stomach that whatever her verdict was of his relationship with Hanbin, it might not be one that he wants to hear.

There’s a window in front of the kitchen sink that overlooks the backyard and they watch his dad drag Hanbin around the garden, enthusiastically pointing out all his prized orchids and the huge green mango tree that he was so proud of. Hanbin says something and his dad laughs that big loud laugh he’s famous for, thumping Hanbin on the back several times before the tour continues.

The smile on his face is automatic and involuntary and maybe subconscious, as they all tend to be when he’s watching Hanbin.

“You love him.”

He nearly drops the plate in his hands, catching it the last second before placing on the counter surface and looking across at his mum in trepidation. She was still watching the scene through the window, face passive and unreadable, not frowning, not smiling, just watching.

She hadn’t asked him a question. She said it like it was a fact. Like it was her final conclusion of the evening.

“Yes.”

She turns to face him slowly then.

He had said over and over and over that he didn’t care what his parents thought but the truth is, he does care. He wants them to like Hanbin and accept him into the family.

But she had been the one who has set him up on so many church dates with girls. Maybe she had wanted him to bring a girl home again.

“Are you happy?” She asks, looking him right in the eyes. The question seemingly simple but it felt heavy like a loaded gun.

He doesn’t look away. “Yes.”

“You did all this because of him?”

He nods and they both turn to look out the window as there’s another loud bursts of laughter coming from somewhere behind the mango tree.

“Well, I guess your father’s finally found the son he wishes you and Jiun both were.” His mother says with a fond smile, face finally relaxing back into the one he’s more familiar with. “You better tell Hanbin that he’s just entered a life of potted plants and flower shows. That poor boy.”

“Are you……are you okay with that?”

“With what?”

“With him. And us….”

Her face softens and falls slightly before she reaches out to him. No matter how tall he gets, how grown up he becomes or how far from home he strays, her hugs never change. “Oh darling boy, of course we’re okay with it. We knew as soon as he walked in.”

“You did?”

She cradles his head and laughs. “Well, I knew it when you said you couldn’t do anything without him around. You’ve only ever said that about that ratty Winnie the Pooh toy Jiun gave you where you were born.”

He tightens his arms around her, more grateful than ever and vowing not to let so many weeks go by without visiting again. “Thank you.”

“Thank you?” She asks, amused again. “For what?”

“Just everything, mum.”

****

The car smells like roses and carnations. He only wanted a few but Jiwon’s dad had cut him a whole bunch to take home, despite his protests.

“At least someone here appreciates them!” He had said, looking at the rest of the family with a disapproving shake of the head. “Not a cultured green-thumb amongst the lot of them, Hanbin. Can you believe it?”

Jiun had thumped him heartily on the back and said, “Thanks for taking one for the team, bro. He’s been trying to get us all into this gardening thing for years. If I hear about plant propagation one more time, Jeeyoung and I are moving to the States.”

He breathes in the sweet floral scent and smiles for no reason.

Or lots of reason.

Or just one reason.

“You okay?” Jiwon asks.

“Yeah.”

He means it.

He was okay.

“I think my dad wants to adopt you.”

He laughs. “He’s just lonely out there by himself with nothing but the plants to talk to.”

“You did good. I think they really like you.”

He blushes warm. “Well, I like them too. All of them.”

The car slows to a stop at a red light and Jiwon reaches across to poke at his dimple. “I really love you right now.”

“Just right now?”

They kiss slowly and softly until the lights turn green and he can hear angry car horns behind them and someone shouting, “For fucks sake!”

Giggling like a couple of teenagers, because that’s how this always makes him feel, Jiwon waves apologetically at the other drivers in the rearview mirror as they speed off toward home. He rests his hand on Jiwon’s leg, just catching all the details of the denim underneath his finger tips before noticing all the hard ridges of muscle tensing up underneath.

“Ah, babe. You might not want to do that.” Jiwon says, shifting awkwardly in his seat.

“Why not?”

“Because I’m driving? You want me to crash?”

“Why would you crash?” He asks, squeezing Jiwon’s leg even tighter as his hand inches higher and higher.

“Hanbin….seriously.…”

He rests the flowers on the dashboard and leans across, lips right against Jiwon’s ear and trailing down his neck. “Seriously what?”

There’s a hand pushing him away with an amused but exasperated sigh. “You’re gonna get us killed. Wait till we get home.”

His hand slips into Jiwon’s pocket, fingers curling over how hard he is under all the layers of clothes. “I don’t want to wait.”

There’s been enough waiting. All he does is wait. He never really messed around in high school. There was no sneaking out on school nights or drunkenly kissing some guy at a house party. He never did the walk of shame. He had missed all of it.

But right now, as Jiwon pulls them into an empty parking lot and drags him into the back seat, he knows the Universe was making it up to him.

“Take your shirt off….take your shirt off.” He whines in Jiwon’s lap, words half lost in another mouth as he feels hands running under his clothes and all over his body, peeling his layers away, one by one.

He doesn’t mean to be loud, even in a deserted parking lot, but he can’t help it when Jiwon was so hard and thick inside him, whispering filthy things in his ear.

“You are so loud, baby. You want everyone to hear you? Want them to hear how much you like it when I fuck you like this?”

It always starts slow, Jiwon just letting him grind up and down at his own pace but that never lasts, he gets impatient and always wants more. And Jiwon never says no. He can hear how wrecked and raw his voice is as Jiwon begins to thrusts harder and deeper into him. He loses his breath each time, brain no longer functioning and body arching back in some kind of blissful surrender.

“You look so hot like that.” Jiwon murmurs, voice raspy and huskier than usual as a possessive hand trails down his chest. “You like fucking in my car, baby? Next time I’m gonna bend you over the front bumper and fuck your tight ass until you’re crying my name. You want that?”

“Yes! Yes….I want you….”

But he’s lost his mind already, the only thing he can think about is desperately chasing his own need, like a car on fire about to drive off a cliff.

“Good boy.” Jiwon leans forward, sucking one of his nipples into his mouth and reaching round to smack him so hard on the ass that the sound echoes in the parking lot. “Cum for me, baby.”

He cries out without warning, nails breaking the tattooed skin underneath his fingers as he cums all over Jiwon’s stomach and thighs.

His ears always ring afterwards but he loves this part, when he’s too high and disorientated to do anything but collapse limply onto Jiwon’s chest and lets him manhandle him into whatever position he wants. He doesn’t care what Jiwon does. He can take anything and everything he wants.

“Not over yet, baby…” Jiwon says in a deep murmur that he barely hears. “Lay down for me?”

He loves the way Jiwon pulls out, only to slide back in, slow and relaxed, like they had all the time in the world now. And he can never describe that feeling of being so close and so full of someone he loves this much, he’s always oversensitive after he cums and every movement inside him is enough to make him go insane again.

But he would never trade this part for anything. This is always the part where Jiwon looks at him like he was the most precious thing in the world. A precious thing that he wants to eat alive.

“Where do you want it?” Jiwon asks in a strained voice, body tensing under his fingers.

“Mmmm, inside me. Do it inside me.”

“You always want it inside you.” Jiwon says with a strangely soft smile, before burying his face against his neck and sucking sloppily at the skin there.

Jiwon cums with a low growl and tells him how much he loves him. Maybe it was a little bit cliche and lame but he doesn’t care, this is better than anything he’s ever had before.

“You are just…..you are something else, you know that?” Jiwon tells him later, breathless and using his shirt to wipe away all the sweat and mess.

He doesn’t say anything, just lays on the back seat, loosely dressed in his blue shirt and smiles at the roof of the car. He’s so tired and sore that Jiwon ends up carrying him up the stairs to their apartment.

As soon as he’s upright, he can feel it. That slow and weird sensation between his legs. “Ahhhh……oh my god….”

“What?” Jiwon looks at him in alarm.

“Everything is just….dripping down my leg…..”

Jiwon’s face changes from concern to hungry and reaches up to flick open the two buttons holding his shirt together. “Show me.”

****

He has a migraine the next morning and is sitting on a cushion, trying to drink his lukewarm tea and eat his breakfast of Advil, when Jiwon finally walks in.

“Hi baby.”

He grumbles at the sweet greeting and pushes Jiwon’s face away when he tries to kiss him. “Get away from me.”

“Are you okay” Jiwon says, peering at his face with concern. “Are you really sore?”

He shoots the sharpest daggers he has in his arsenal. “Yes. I am really sore.”

“I’m sorry! But it was really fucking hot though right-”

“Stop talking.”

“The noises you make…”

“Please stop talking.”

“Do you want me to take you to the couch?” Jiwon says with a laugh. “It's a lot more comfortable."

“I hate you.” He says but it doesn’t stop him from holding out his arms. “Don’t drop me.”

If he wasn’t so sleep deprived and tired, he’d probably melt and swoon at how easily Jiwon just picks him up and carries him into their living room, lowering him gently onto the couch and re-arranging the cushions and pillows behind him.

“Better?”

He nods and hugs the Snoopy cushion to his chest.

“Good news though.” Jiwon says brightly.

“What?”

“Last night, with my parents. They messaged me this morning. It went pretty well, huh? So, two down, two to go?”

He rolls over to groan loudly into Snoopy’s fur.

Jiwon rubs his back in sympathetic understanding. “At least our kid will have some grandparents though, right? Isn’t that what you wanted?”

Chapter Text

Volume 1: Before Sunset.

It’s probably crazy and borderline delusional but Hanbin swears he can hear music everywhere he goes.

There’s the contemporary piano at the supermarket, some generic EDM from a Nissan Skyline that parks next to them at the traffic lights, the Evangelion theme song every Thursday.

His entire life is just one long soundtrack.

It doesn’t stop when he’s at home either, it’s probably loudest there. They don’t exactly have a home studio for Jiwon yet but one corner of their living room has been gradually turning into one. He’s gotten used to hearing demos on the laptop, new backing tracks through the speakers and softly mumbled rapping as Jiwon tries out new lyrics.

But he’s never heard this before.

It floats into the kitchen just as he’s crouching down to check on the honey-sesame chicken in the oven.

It’s Jiwon’s deep singing voice. Rough but mellow at the same time. Mumbled as usual but just clear enough for Hanbin to make out all the different shades and tones in it. He’s heard Jiwon sing plenty of times but it was always in that loud and obnoxiously dramatic karaoke style. He’s never actually heard him singing gently in earnest.

Jiwon sounds exactly like he talks but softer than how he raps. Well, if you could ever call that husky voice soft. It’s takes him a full minute to check himself and another to realise that his hand, still in the Mickey Mouse oven mitt, was hovering somewhere over the left side of his chest. He knows it’s some kind of weird habit but he can’t get rid of it. Especially not when his heart is thumping so hard for the ridiculous reason it is now.

It’s a love song. Not a particularly happy one. He can’t catch all the words before Jiwon just hums the rest of the melody to the music.

Jiwon is writing sad love songs now? Does it have anything to do with me? Do I want it to be? Is this love sad?

He thinks about it for so long that the oven timer completely startles him into a near coronary.

“What?” Jiwon asks over dinner.

“Huh?”

“You’re like ten Inception levels inside your head. What is it?”

“I was just thinking.”

“About?”

“Your singing voice.”

“You heard that huh? It sound good?”

There’s a small smirk that always appears in the corner of Jiwon’s mouth. He almost hates himself for how attracted he is to things that he really should dislike on principle-like Jiwon's arrogance. Or maybe he’s just attracted to them because they belong to Jiwon’s face.

“Yeah actually. You sound….nice.” He says, not really knowing the right adjective to use. “It’s calming. You have that kind of voice when you talk. You should put that on your album.”

Jiwon grimaces around his chopsticks. “I’m not sure BeatBox would go for that. They want pretty standard rap for the first release.”

He takes a drink of water and wonders when it would be considered too soon to tell BeatBox to go screw themselves.

“I really don’t think anybody wants to hear that kinda thing anyway.” Jiwon laughs. “It’s not the image they want for me. They probably want a hip-hop cliché.”

Hanbin gets it. Music is a business just as much as it’s an art, and everyone has to play their part. But looking at the guy in front of him now, he’s not sure why everyone is always so convinced they’re going to get some life-hardened bad boy rapper.

All he sees is a crumpled mess of dirty blond hair, clothes that are always three sizes too big and a sharp jawline completely smothered in honey-sesame sauce because Jiwon always eats like food was a brand new invention.

“If people knew what you were really like….you’d have no image at all.” He says with a sigh, reaching forward to wipe at the mess with a tissue. “Not a good one anyway.”

The goofy grin Jiwon flashes doesn’t really do anything to convince him otherwise.

“That’s why I got you. You’re gonna make sure I’m cool right?”

He shakes his head with a snort. “No, not even I can fix this. You need professional help.”

But truthfully, he doesn’t really care how cool or uncool Jiwon seems to the rest of the world. He doesn’t really care about anything except the fact that he gets to have dinner with his best friend every night and how feeding someone he loves feeds his soul too (as lame as it sounds). He doesn’t care about anything but the wheezy laughter that always makes Jiwon’s eyes disappear into his face. One day, not so far from now, he’ll care about so many things to the point of mental breakdown but until that day comes, he’ll just enjoy the way things are now.

Volume 2: Before Midnight.

The year was racing towards the end. Daily Grind was barely anything more than a building full of sleep deprived writers jacked up on Red Bull and caffeine, all desperately trying to meet the deadlines before the printers shut down for the holidays.

BeatBox had scheduled back-to-back meetings and studio sessions for Jiwon all through December. He appreciated their dedication and thoroughness but it also meant that he and Jiwon barely saw each other. Gone are the long mornings sharing breakfast over the sink or planning dinners 4 days in advance. They’re lucky to get a 15 minute meal in before exhaustion hits and they both just need to sleep.

Worst of all: they almost miss Jiwon’s birthday completely.

It’s nearly eleven pm by the time he gets home and he isn’t even surprised that the apartment is still empty. For the 4th night in a row, he’s standing in front of the fridge, trying to figure out what he can cook with the random ingredients on the shelves. Take-away sounds like the best idea and he’s digging through their drawers for the menus when the front door clicks open and shut.

“Hey.” Jiwon says from the kitchen doorway. He looks so drained and faded, like someone just desaturated all the colour out of him.

“Hey. You hungry?”

“A little bit.” The slack shrug is even slacker than usual and the yawn that follows it is long and drawn out.

It always seizes his heart, the way Jiwon makes him turn into a great big pile of sentimental mush. But that’s how people feel about their families, he guesses.

“What do you want?” He asks, walking towards the doorway and brushing Jiwon’s hair from his tired face. It was getting so long but he kind of likes it long.

“I don’t know.”

Jiwon just pulls their bodies together and sinks into the shared warmth with a heavy sigh.

“M'tired.”

“I know.” He says, letting Jiwon rest his head on his shoulder and mumble words against his neck. It’s so soft and safe that he’s ready to wrap them both in a blanket and go to sleep.

But. They both have to eat.

“Want me to make you those fluffy honey pancakes?”

“MmmmI love those.” Jiwon murmurs against his skin.

“Yeah I know.”

He reluctantly untangles them and directs Jiwon to make them both some tea.

“Did you have a good day at least?”

“Yeah, it was good.”

He’s beyond exhausted as he mixes the ingredients together at the kitchen bench but he knows this is important, they need to at least attempt some time together each day and not to keep letting work dictate their lives. They won’t always be able to control everything so easily.

Jiwon tells him about each meeting, concept and demo track. The exhaustion is clear in that usually sedate voice and it’s punctuated with more yawns that he can count but it’s reassuring in a way, knowing they’re both trying so hard to stay awake for each other.

They finish eating the pancakes on the couch, sitting cross legged in worn out pyjamas. Jiwon is in the middle of telling him about a lyric idea when he catches sight of the time on the clock over his shoulder.

“Hey, it’s past midnight.” He says with a smile, suddenly less lethargic than he was five minutes ago.

“Is it? You wanna go to bed?” Jiwon yawns, so tired that he doesn’t even realise what day it is.

“No…..it’s your birthday. Like, right now.”

Hanbin can see the confusion washing over Jiwon’s features and watches as he pulls his phone out of his pocket to double check the date.

“Oh shit. It is too.” Jiwon says with a tired laugh. “We should go sleep now though. I have a long-ass day tomorrow and so do you.”

He tilts his head and surveys the guy in the front of him again, wondering, always wondering, what kind of things go on inside that crazy little brain.

“You just want to go to bed? But it’s your birthday.”

Jiwon shrugs and pulls them both up from the couch. “Well, everything I wanna do involves me and you and our bed. So yes. I just want to go to bed now.”

But he goes along with it and lets Jiwon hold his hand and lead him down the familiar path to their bedroom. He’s pressed into the sheets and Jiwon doesn’t waste any time finding his mouth. They’re both sweaty and dirty from the 14-hour work day but if that’s a problem, he doesn’t hear any complaints.

“Thought you were tired?” He teases, fingers automatically sliding up Jiwon’s t-shirt. “Don’t you just want to go to sleep?”

“In a minute.” The words are mumbled into his mouth and as tired as he is, he gets the sudden thought that they should just kiss until the sun comes up.

Jiwon breaks them apart and hovers over him, heavy body pressing him even further into their sheets.

“Okay okay. You’re right. I think we both need a really really long….hard….deep…sleep.”

He can’t help bursting out in laughter, it must be the combination of extreme exhaustion, Jiwon’s lame one liners and that weird sentimental feeling he never seems to be able to shake.

“You’re ridiculous.” He says, staring up at the dark brown eyes and dorky smile above him.

“So are you.”

He pulls Jiwon down for a slow kiss. Even if they wanted to, he knows that neither of them could really do anything more physical than this but….this is enough.

“Happy Birthday superstar.”

“Best birthday ever.” Jiwon says with a lopsided grin before laying down beside him.

“I haven’t even done anything for you yet.”

He’s not sure what kind of answer he was expecting, or even one at all, but Jiwon just hums quietly and shakes his head.

“You know that’s not true.”

“Your standards have really dropped if midnight pancakes and a few kisses is all it takes now. I don’t know why I tried so hard before.”

“That’s not what I mean….” Jiwon says vaguely.

“Are you expecting one of those Ford GTs or whatever? Isn’t that your dream car? Too bad I still need my kidneys-”

Jiwon turns to face him. “Hanbin-”

“Actually I really wanted to get you the new Air Force Ones but there was a crazy line up for them at the Nike store. What kind of idiot lines up for shoes-”

“Hanbin-”

He only stops mid ramble because Jiwon’s eyes are piercing into the side of his face.

“What?” He says, barely able to maintain the eye contact. He’s always had a problem with it. Of all the things they’ve done and seen, it’s still the most intimate thing between them. That will probably never change.

“Don’t get me anything. You already gave me best thing. I mean it.”

He narrows his eyes. “Are you going to say it’s the sex because that’s insulting and kind of lame, even for you.”

Jiwon rolls his eyes and kicks gently at his ankles. “No, you big loser. I meant you. You got me…you.”

He really doesn’t know what to say after that. They’ve had conversations like this before and he’ll probably never be ready to respond to this kind of thing. But if he minded, Jiwon doesn’t say anything about it. It doesn’t take long before he falls asleep with a tattooed arm across his body and a heavy head against his shoulder.

The distant traffic noises are reassuring outside their window and he ends up laying awake until the exhaustion eventually drags him to sleep too.

Volume 3: Before Sunrise.

“What time is it?!” Jiwon shouts from the shower.

“6:45.”

“Oh fuck! I’m gonna be so late!”

Hanbin sighs. They slept through both of their alarms this morning and now there wasn’t really enough time for the birthday breakfast that he was planning. There’s no time for crepes or waffles, there’s barely enough time for the tea and honey-buttered toast he makes while Jiwon is in the shower. And instead of sleeping in himself, he’s up ironing Jiwon’s best white shirt and yelling out time updates.

“Why am I always late when it’s important?” Jiwon grumbles, rushing into their bedroom and shaking his wet hair out of his eyes. “Have you seen my-”

He points to the pair of purple killer bee boxers on the bed and waits for Jiwon to struggle into them on before holding out the white shirt.

“I’m meeting Tablo today.” Jiwon says with a grin. “We’re seeing if we can get him to produce a few tracks for the album.”

He shakes out a pair of ripped black jeans and drapes them over the back of a chair.

“Just produce? It’d be a shame if he didn’t write with you aswell.”

“Yeah I know. Fingers crossed we can get him at all. Hopefully he won’t hate me.” Jiwon laughs as he struggles into the jeans.

“Who cares if he hates you?” He says with a shrug. “As long as you get the best producers. You don’t want a friend, you want the guy who’s going to do the best job and make you sound awesome.”

Jiwon shakes his head, walking back into the bathroom to dry his hair. “You sound exactly like June. Who, by the way, sent me a birthday text at 2 in the morning. That jerk.”

He takes the honey butter toast and a mug of tea into the  bathroom, tasting each as he watches Jiwon run wax through his hair.

“At least he cares. It’s nice when people care about you.” He says, holding out the toast for Jiwon to take a bite.

“Nice? You obviously didn’t read his text.”

“What did it say?”

“Happy Birthday you little shit.”

He giggles into his tea as Jiwon comes back over to eat the rest of the toast he’s holding.

“He’s got good intentions.”

Jiwon looks at him likes he’s gone crazy. “No he doesn’t. Don’t defend him. Yun has aged like ten years since they’ve met.”

He angles the mug of tea carefully towards Jiwon’s mouth so he can take a long sip of hot sweet Earl Grey.

“But they’ve been together for six. So that doesn’t really sound that bad to me. I mean, he’s annoying but at least he makes up for it in other ways. Yun looks happy. They both do.”

“Good to know your boyfriend standards are so low. Can I stop trying so hard now?” Jiwon says with a wide grin, kissing him lightly on his way out of the bathroom.

“Stop? Since when did you start trying?” He mutters.

“It’s my birthday, you’re supposed to be nice to me!”

“Hey, I got up early to iron your clothes and make you toast! I’m not even a morning person.” He points out defensively. “If we left it up to you, you’d still be wandering around the apartment half-naked and looking for clean matching socks.”

“Yeah yeah, whatever.” Jiwon says with a laugh as he slides a few notebooks and a laptop into his bag. “Shit. I really need to get going.”

“Wait, have the rest of the toast. You need to eat properly before you go.” He holds out the second piece of honey-buttered toast and Jiwon leans in obediently to bite and chew.

“You like ordering me around don’t you?”

He only pretends to be offended. “I prefer to think of this as ‘taking care of you’”

Jiwon licks the honey-butter off his lips and looks up with a familiar expression on his face. He can see where this is going to go.

“You gonna take care of me later tonight?”

“Depends if you’re a good today.”

Jiwon bites at his lower lip. “And what if I’m not?”

“I don’t know, I might let you do something nasty to me anyway.” He says with a smirk.

Jiwon lets out a low groan and presses him against the front door. “You’re gonna make me late.”

“Sorry.” He says with exaggerated remorse. “I was only trying to make you hard.”

Jiwon’s eyes flit between the clock and his face, it’s as obvious as it is hilarious.

“Do we-”

“No. We definitely don’t have time for that.” He says with laugh, kissing Jiwon lightly before putting some distance between them. If they don’t stop now, he knows for sure that neither of them would even make it out the door.

“But it’ll only take-”

He cuts Jiwon off abruptly. “-it never takes 5 minutes. It takes like five hours. Now, go! You’re going to be so late.”

“But it’s my birthday!”Jiwon whines, fingers already grabbing at his t-shirt.

He tries not to roll his eyes but honestly speaking, he loves Jiwon’s whiny complaints and to be fair, it was a special occasion. He can spare a kiss or three this morning.

There’s some half-hearted attempt not to get creases and wrinkles on Jiwon’s shirt or mess up his hair but it’s hard to think about neatness when there’s a hot persistent tongue in his mouth.

“Jiwon…Jiwon….” He struggles to put the distance between them again, every time he leans away, Jiwon just follows.

“Hrmm?”

“Go. To. Work!”

He ends up walking Jiwon all the way down to his car in his pyjamas because he’s secretly useless against all the whining and those sad puppy dog eyes just get him every time.

“Happy birthday, Superstar. Have a good day okay?”

Jiwon opens the door to his car and is just about to climb in when he pauses and turns back around to face him with a oddly serious expression.

“Hey? I umm…I just….oh shit.”

He watches Jiwon’s cheeks flush nervous pink and it suddenly makes him just as awkwardly anxious in return.

“I just want to um, tell you that umm…..well, I kind of just...I'm really glad I met you.”

He thinks he can hear the ocean crashing loudly in his head, it’s either that or he’s having a massive watershed stroke. These sentiments always paralyse him but his hand grabs the door at the last second to keep it opened.

“Me too.” He blurts out, wishing it was more romantic, more grand, more special, more like something Jiwon deserved, more than just a ‘me too’.

By the time Jiwon finally pulls out of their driveway, he’s definitely late and there are definitely wrinkles on that white shirt, wax on his own fingertips and the biggest grin on Jiwon’s face.

Volume 4: Before Dusk.

He wanted to organise some extravagant birthday dinner but by the time they both finished work, all he wanted to do was have Jiwon all to himself. They find themselves sitting in the car, eating burgers and fries and getting it everywhere.

And he waits until he can’t wait anymore.

“Here.” The small blue box in his hand fills him with more apprehension and uncertainty that any human should have to feel.

“What is it?”

“Your birthday present.”

“I told you not to get me anything!”

He looks down at the box and gets the sudden feeling that he really should have attempted to find Jiwon’s dream car after all. Or at least those limited edition Nike Air Force Ones.

He can feel Jiwon grabbing one end of the box and laughing when it becomes a tug of war. “So is this the type of present that I have to fight you for?”

He lets go with a resigned sigh. What the hell was he thinking? It’s not high school anymore.

Underneath the blue tissue paper there are four pink cassette tapes. Volumes 1 to 4. He watches with his heart in his throat as Jiwon cleans his fingers and pulls a cassette out, turning it over to read the cover and track list.

“You made me mixtapes?”

He nods. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, there was just so much music that he wanted Jiwon to listen to and so many drum-and-bass-and-orchestral samples that might come in handy one day when BeatBox gets writer’s block. But right now, sitting in Jiwon car, the reality of it all hits him with embarrassing clarity: it just wasn’t enough. He should have gotten an actual adult gift.

“What do all the volumes mean?” Jiwon asks, studying the one called Dusk.

“It’s different parts of the day.”

Jiwon looks at him with one of those dopey smiles that always makes him feel so unworthy of all this. Of course he feels loved but he can never shake the thought that Jiwon deserves more than he’ll ever be able to give.

“Shit, Hanbin. How long did this take you?”

He shrugs. “A little while.”

“What’s a little while?”

“Bit more than a month.” He says noncommittally.

Two and a half months to be exact. He started on October 23rd.

“No-one has ever made me a mixtape on an actual tape before.” Jiwon says with a little bit of awe, shaking of his head and picking up the one called ‘Midnight’ to read it. “Actually, no-one has ever made me anything before.”

He’s taken aback by the comment.

No-one?

“Didn’t you ever get one in high school?” He asks.

Jiwon shakes his head. “Nope. Spent most of high school playing basketball. Never had time for girls, you know, back when I thought I liked them.”

He stares at Jiwon’s face in disbelief, not entirely sure why it was so shocking to him that there weren’t daily confessions and mixtapes full of mid 90s RnB snuck into Jiwon’s backpack on a daily basis.

“Why are you so surprised?”

“Didn’t everybody have a crush on you or something?”

Jiwon laughs loudly at that. “Where did you hear that? I told you, all I did in high school was hang out on the basketball court. If anyone had a crush, I was probably too stupid to realise it.”

“So you never got letters or tapes sent to you?”

“Nope. It’s just you, baby.”

He reaches for the box. “Wait, give these back. I’m going to get you those Air Force Ones after all.”

“What? No!” Jiwon’s reflexes were always faster and he knew he was never going to win in any physical contest. “These are mine! You can’t take them back!”

“But they’re just tapes!”

Jiwon hugs the box to his chest. “No! These are mine now. Too bad. You can’t have them back.”

“Jiwon!”

“Hanbin!”

He glares at Jiwon’s wide grin but like so many times this month, Jiwon doesn’t back down and just stares back with the kind of irritating arrogance that he’d hate on anyone else.

“Urghhhhh, fine. Well, you might as well have this too then.” He reaches into the back seat and drops a second box into Jiwon’s lap. “Don’t laugh. Or at least, don’t do it out loud.”

He pretends not to smile when Jiwon yells out in joy. “Where did you get this?! I thought they stopped making them?! Shit, Hanbin. Shit. I love it.”

They had stopped making the original Sony cassette Walkman years ago but Donghyuk somehow knew a man (of course he did) who custom built them using the old 1990 vintages shells. He’ll just ignore the huge burning hole in his bank account but it was all worth it, just to see Jiwon tearing open the packaging and sliding one of his tapes in, eyes lighting up when he recognises the first song.

The sky turns pink and violet outside. There’s not much else to do then but lean on Jiwon’s shoulder and listen to the music that leaks out from the headphones.

Chapter Text

Day 0

“You what?”

“I need to go to Japan.”

He stares at Hanbin’s back, waiting waiting waiting for the next reaction with a racing heartbeat in his throat.

“It’s three days till Christmas.”

“I know.” He says with a tired sigh. “They want to meet a producer over there. It’s the last time he’s free before he goes on hiatus with his family for a month. They want to get a lock on him before I start on the album.”

Hanbin stops cleaning his desk and turns around to face him. “When do you leave?”

“Now. Today.” He says, even more exhausted at the thought of having to pack for the airport. “Jin booked our flights already. The cars coming over in half an hour.”

Hanbin nods then and half shrugs. “Yeah okay.”

He’s a little taken aback, unsure what he was expecting but some part of him thought (hoped) that his absence would be more upsetting. He didn’t want to make them sad and miserable but there are times where he just craves some kind of evidence that he’s important in Hanbin’s life.

“So you’re okay with this right?”

“Yeah, of course. It’s your job now.” Hanbin moves past him to open their drawers and rummage for the passports kept there. “Which backpack do you want to take with you?”

He feels oddly blindsided by everything that’s happened this afternoon. The sudden phone call. The impromptu flight. Hanbin’s blasé response. His internal dissatisfaction.

“Jiwon? Which one?”

“Um, the blue one.”

A blue camo print backpack is thrown on the bed and his passport is tucked into the front pocket. He watches as their wardrobe doors slide open and Hanbin pauses to survey all the pre-ironed t-shirts just hanging there.

“Do you want me to help you pack?”

No, I want you to miss me when I leave.

He can’t say that out loud so instead, he settles for: “Yeah, if you’re not doing anything.”

Hanbin scoffs. “What else would I be doing right now?”

They pack with quiet efficiency. Well, he watches Hanbin pack with quiet efficiency, the tense stillness only punctuated by Hanbin’s short questions and his own single word answers. It makes him want to yell really loudly or say something stupid. 

But the hours almost up. The car will be here soon.

“Wait a minute.” He’s checking the contents of the backpack with a frown, pushing phone chargers and socks out of the way but still not finding the thing he wants. “Where’s your Snoopy t-shirt?”

Hanbin looks at him with confusion. “Snoopy? That shirt is so old. Don’t you want one of your newer-”

“No.” He shakes his head, suddenly pissed off for some reason. “I need that one.”

It comes out harsher than he wanted it to but if picking a fight is the only way he’s going to get Hanbin to react then he’ll play dirty for once.

But Hanbin just goes and looks for the damm t-shirt without saying anything. It drives him insane and he can’t really remember a time he was this frustrated about Hanbin’s selective mutism. 

“Here.” A soft and greying t-shirt is held out towards him. “Are you going to wear it out? It’s so old. It’s seriously getting holes in the sleeves.”

He takes it and tucks safely into his backpack. “No. I’m not going to wear it out. I just want to take it with me.”

“Okay.” Hanbin says slowly, eyes suddenly piercing into the side of his face like they always do when they’re trying to read his mind. 

The phone in his his pocket starts buzzing and ringing then. Great timing as always. The car is downstairs to pick him up.

“I gotta go.”

Hanbin walks him to the front door and watches him put on his jacket and tie up his shoelaces.

“So umm, I guess I’ll see you when I get back?” He says, prepared and resigned to leave with just a brief kiss. Who knows how affectionate Hanbin is feeling right now.

“Message me when you land? And when you go to sleep.” Hanbin instructs, his voice shaky and watery for a split second. “And when you’re packing again too, so you don’t forget anything.”

He cracks the first smile of the day. “Yeah, I’ll keep you updated."

“Yeah. Okay.”

Then he sees it; the slumped shoulders, the downcast eyes that never meet his and the subtle frown pulling at the corners of Hanbin’s mouth. He can feel fingers playing with the straps of his backpack, even though there’s nothing to fix or adjust.

Well, finally.

“Come here.” He says softly, pulling at Hanbin’s t-shirt and relieved when there’s no resistance at all. Just a sigh.

He’s going to write a song about this one day. He knows it. This exact feeling whenever he pulls Hanbin’s slightly smaller body into his, the initial thrill of butterflies followed by the deep warm ache that comes from something so good, so unbelievable, so comforting, so his.

“Gonna miss me?” He asks. Fuck subtlety, he needs to hear the words sometimes.

There’s a nod against his chest that makes him want to laugh. Typical Hanbin.

“Say it. I wanna hear it.”

“Jiwon….” Hanbin whines.

“Baby...” He echoes with another laugh. “You’re gonna make me late if you don’t say it. I’m not leaving till you do.”

There’s more protesting and he can feel the outlines of Hanbin’s face as it tries to bury itself further into his chest. “Illmissyou.”

“What was that?”

Hanbin looks up at him then, all big doe eyes, long eyeslashes and static in his hair. “I’ll miss you.”

“You better.” He says with a relieved grin.

They don’t kiss for half as long as he wanted them to but it’s long enough for the phone to buzz in his pocket again.

“Ahh shit. I really have to go.”

Hanbin’s clinging onto him now, he can feel the slight panic and desperation in the way those fingers dig into his arm. He wonders if it’s wrong to want Hanbin to be like this all the time. It probably makes him a sadist or something but truthfully, nobody has ever needed him before and it’d be nice if that happened at least once in his life. 

“Okay, well. I’ll message you when-”

“-I love you.”

It is so quiet against his own voice but he still hears it loud and clear. 

Does he stop breathing? For a second? Or a minute. One of those. He’s not sure which one. The backpack is dropped to the ground and he holds that beautifully nervous face in his hands for so long that his phone buzzes in his pocket for a third time and he has the fleeting though that his Beatbox team should just go to Japan without him.

“Fuck, Hanbin.” He says in hushed disbelief. “Why did you have to say it right now? Worst timing ever. Shit, how am I supposed to leave?”

There’s the most sheepish of shrugs that makes Hanbin look even smaller. Maybe small enough to fit into his backpack.

“I really need to go but fuck, I’m gonna miss you so much. You have no idea. I haven’t even left and I miss you already. Wanna come with me? Please come with me?” 

Hanbin laughs at his dramatics before leaning up to kiss him in that infuriatingly slow and sweet way that satisfies every empty part of his soul. 

“Mmmmlove you.” He murmurs against those soft lips. 

“I know.” Hanbin says with a smile before pushing him away gently. “Go to work. I’ll be here when you get back.”

He doesn’t bother hiding his sigh as he picks up his backpack. Every step outside their apartment door is harder than the one before it. He looks at Hanbin leaning against the doorframe in that old disneyland t-shirt, his hair is a mess, cheek flushed and there’s some kind of wistful bittersweet look on his face. 

He loves him more than he loves his entire life. 

It’s a crazy thought that he’d only read about or seen in movies, believing for all these years that they were unrealistic, impossible and overdramatic….until now.

“Don’t do anything stupid!” He shouts from down the corridor.

“Can’t anyway. My stupid is going to Japan!” Hanbin shouts back.

****

It’s weird. 

Too many years spent on a diet of Linklater movies, Murakami books and songs about longing has got him expecting something that never comes. He expected to feel some big gaping hole when Jiwon left for the airport but he doesn’t.

Of course he misses him. He misses him a lot. 

But that hollow melancholy that he felt when they broke up isn’t there. Which is good he supposes, he doesn’t want that feeling back. Ever.

It doesn’t really feel like Jiwon went anywhere though. He’s been gone for barely 20 minutes before the first of the texts come. It makes him smile like an idiot. 

[did we pack snoopy?xj]

[Yeah we did. He’s in there. Don’t worry. hx]

He thought it’d end there until Jiwon lands in Japan but there’s another buzz of his phone after a few minutes.

[did we pack my passport?]

[YES omg]

[did we pack the killr bees]

[Yes. We packed everything you wanted. Stop asking me. Lol.]

[im bored.]

[Its been like 20 minutes.]

[Yeah I kno. Then we have to wt at the airprt]

[Your life is so hard. Poor baby.]

[Haha am I your baby now?]

[Idk, I have to check with my boyfriend]

[Wts he like]

[Better than you]

[wll thats rude]

[Well he has a record deal. Talk to me when you have one too.]

[its ok, I got my own bf. hes not as good as u tho]

[You can’t even pretend in texts?]

[haha nope. Can’t pretend like ur not the best]

[You need to get out more]

[nah, got u now. im nevr leavng]

It’s just a few words, full of typos, but it still makes his stomach drop. 

[hey we’re here, hve to go. talk later.]

[love you baby xj]

[Have a safe flight. Love you too.xhx]

The smile doesn’t leave his face. Not for the entire time he makes dinner for himself. It’s only when he sits down at their table that he feels it, the hollow emptiness of the chair next to him, the off-balanced quietness of the apartment, the way there’s only one plate on the table. He looks at his phone but the screen is still black. He can’t even send a message, Jiwon would be in the middle of his flight. 

The rest of the night isn’t much better. Even when he knows Jiwon has landed, there’s no texts. Maybe he was just busy.

He cleans up alone. Showers alone. Gets into an empty bed alone. And there’s still no message. 

[Hey I’m going to bed now. Hope you’re okay over there. xh]

He doesn’t really sleep though. He can hear the traffic outside his window and it was always weirdly comforting to him, something to do with the mundaness of life continuing on regardless of how bad his day is. But it’s not working tonight, maybe it was only comforting listening to that sound when he had Jiwon’s warm body next to him.   

It’s 1:30am when his dark room lights up from a text on his phone. 

[are u still awake]

[Yeah?]

He expects another text marathon but Jiwon ends up calling. 

“Hi baby.” Jiwon’s voice sounds rough, exhausted and muffled, like half of his face is against a pillow. “You okay to talk?”

“Yeah.” He’s not sure why it makes him sad that Jiwon has to even ask. 

“Sorry I didn’t message or call. Jin got pissed that I was on the phone so much and just took it. He wanted to pack all this stuff into our schedule before Christmas. We just got back from this dinner with a bunch of Japanese rappers. I’m never drinking again.”

He laughs to cover up his paranoia. “Yeah? Did you have a good time?”

Jiwon groans in pain. “I think there should be an age limit on alcohol.”

“There is.”

“It should be like, 30.”

He laughs for real this time. “What happened? Did you do something stupid?”

“No!”

“Didn’t dislocate any jaws today?”

“No, I did not.” Jiwon says bitterly. “We just did a few shots. I’m gonna be so hungover tomorrow and that’s when we’re meeting Christian.”

His ears perk up at that and a shiver runs down his spine. “Who?”

“Christian Yu. That’s the producer they want to get for my album. Which isn’t even half written by the way, I don’t get why they’re-”

“Wait. Christian Yu? DPR Ian? The director/producer?”

“Yeah? You know him too?”

“YES.”

“Tablo met him at some company event last month. Thank god he can speak English. They think it’ll be good promo to have a trendy producer on my album but why the hell would he want to work with a no name?” Jiwon laughs then. “Imagine what’s going on in his head. From all those famous singers to me. What a joke.”

“It’s not a joke.” He says firmly. “You’re good on your own but if you got him on your debut Jiwon….that would be amazing.”

“Yeah I know. I’m not gonna put much into it though. We got Tablo, that’s enough.”

Out of the two of them, he doesn’t know how he ended up being the more ambitious one when all the talent was with Jiwon. 

“Still try though, right? You never know where it’ll go. It’s always good to make some contacts in the music business. He might be handy when you get into the international market.”

Jiwon snorts down the phone line. “International market? Are you tripping? I’m not even in the Korean market.”

“You should aim high.” He says, smiling at the dark ceiling. “You have the talent and personality for it.”

“I love talking to you. My ego grows like three sizes bigger every time.”

“Good.”

“Hey you know what else grows three sizes bigger?”

He groans at Jiwon’s lame line. “Seriously? That’s how you’re going to change the topic?”

“Yep. That’s how I’m gonna do it.” Jiwon says, words getting more and more slurred. “What are you wearing?”

“Wait. Do you have your own room?”

There’s a bark of laughter down the line. “Yeah, I do. I’m not that much of freak Hanbin. I’m not you.”

He goes red, even though nobody can see him. “I have never done it in a room full of other people! What are you talking about?!”

“I mean, you like it when you think you might get caught.”

He stays silent, trying to think of an answer that doesn’t self-sabotage or reveal any of his other kinks. 

“Am I right?” Jiwon asks with a chuckle. “I am, aren’t I? You are so loud. Remember that time in the carpark? I get so hard whenever I think about it.”

Of course he remembers that night. He remembers it so vividly that he can still smell the sweat on Jiwon’s skin, the hunger in his eyes and the way he always comes with that deep growl. 

“Baby? You still there?”

His hand was already wandering down between his legs. “Yeah, I’m still here. I’m just….”

“…thinking about it?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. What are you wearing?”

“Puppy pyjamas?”

Jiwon groans. “Why do you have to be so fucking cute at a time like this?!”

“You asked! What are you wearing?”

“Snoopy.”

He laughs. “Well, why do you have to be so fucking cute too?”

“Snoopy smells like you.” 

His hand stops in its track. His stomach does that nervous flip again. 

“Jiwon….”

“Yeah yeah, I know. I’m supposed to be nasty and talk about how much I want to fuck you right now. But here I am telling you that I took your stupid t-shirt to Japan just so I can pretend I’m sleeping with you. What a loser.” Jiwon laughs at his own ridiculousness. “I can’t even do phone sex right.”

He waits until his breathing sounds normal again. “I….really want to fly over there. Like, right now.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Miss me?”

“Yeah, I really do. It sucks being in this bed without you.”

“Well, it sucks being in another country without you. God, how lame are we? It hasn’t even been 24 hours.” Jiwon says in exhaustion before yawning. “My body is so confused right now.”

“What do you mean?”

“It doesn’t know if it’s awake or asleep. I’m half hard but half not. I really need to come but I’m too tired. And I miss you, so I’m sad, but I’m talking to you right now, so I’m kinda not.”

“You’re a mess.” He says with a chuckle, wanting to reach through the phone line to pull Jiwon into their bed. “What you need is sleep. Big day tomorrow.”

“I can’t sleep though! My dick is waiting for me to do something.”

“Well, what do you want me to do about it?”

“I don’t know? Do it with me?”

He kicks his blankets off and throws the puppy pyjamas on the ground. He knew this was coming. “Take your pants off. And Snoopy too.”

“….Okay.”

He waits for the rustling on the other end to stop before talking again. 

“I want to hear you touching yourself. Can you do that? I want to hear all those noises you make.”

“Fuck…..you sound so hot talking like this.” Jiwon says. “I’m so hard right now.”

“Good. What are you thinking about?” 

“What your mouth feels like. I wish it was here with me.”

“Just my mouth?” He laughs. ‘What would you do with the rest of me?”

There’s a soft muffled sound, like Jiwon was rolling over in bed. “Mmm, no. I wanna hear what you wanna do.”

He’s stroking himself with a faster rhythm now and as much as the words always make him cringe, he’s so turned on and out of his mind that it’s like someone else just took over. 

“I kind of…..want you to fuck me backstage after one of your shows.”

There’s a deep moan through the phone’s static. “Keep going, babe.”

“Sometimes I watch you on stage and you’re so sweaty and aggressive. I always wanted to pull you behind the curtains and lick all that sweat off you.”

“Mmmhmm. Then what?”

“Then you’d push me on the ground and I’d complain that my knees hurt. But you wouldn’t care. You’d hold my jaw and make me open my mouth just so you can fuck into it until I’m gagging and begging you to stop.”

“Keep going keep going….I’m so close…”

His hand is so wet now and he can hear Jiwon’s erratic breathing through the phone. 

“I wouldn’t want you to stop though. I want it to hurt. I want to taste you when you cum in my mouth and when you’re done, I still want you to fuck me and fill me up so much that it drips down my legs…”

There’s a strained ‘fuck!’ through the phone line followed by that familiar raspy growl and whispers of his name. His own head is full of flashbacks of that night in the carpark, he remembers Jiwon’s eyes as he pushed in, so deep and slow that the stretch made him scream. It was an overwhelming mix of desperation, aggression and possession. It’s that memory that makes him close his eyes now and cum all over his hand with a drawn out moan. 

There’s a few seconds of silence where all he can hear is their breathing but suddenly Jiwon starts laughing. 

“What?!”

“Nothing nothing. I was just thinking of how much trouble you’re gonna be in when I come home.”

He smiles in the darkness, sweaty and aching everywhere. How the hell are they going to handle three days apart?