Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Maybe it started on October 2nd, 2018, outside the —back in the day— Big Hit building. It was just another training day for Jay, nothing special about it... until night came. He had finished dinner with the other trainees a few minutes ago, but for some reason, he was still around the building. Call it destiny or coincidence, but that was the first time he stayed so late in the area.

Then, there he was.

A younger boy, a few inches shorter than him, with black hair and a face mask covering everything but his big, curious eyes. He looked confused and lost, standing alone in the middle of the street.

Jay noticed the BigHit keychain on the boy’s bag —so he’s a trainee here too— which made sense if he’d stayed late practicing, but was rare considering Jay should’ve known him. Jay was a social butterfly; there wasn’t a single trainee or staff member he didn’t know, and vice versa. Yet, this boy was a complete stranger.

“Hey, you need some help?” Jay took off his hat to seem less intimidating as he approached. The boy turned toward his voice immediately.

“Oh, good night! Sorry, I swear I’m not doing anything wrong—just trying to figure out how to get home safely,” the boy explained, his voice sounded a little bit younger than Jay’s.

“It’s okay, I’m not a guard or anything. Just a trainee, like you, I guess.”

The boy’s eyes widened. “How did you know?” He sounded amused now.

“Keychain.” Jay pointed at his own bag, and the boy’s mouth formed a perfect ‘O’ in realization. “So, what’s the problem? Can’t find your way back?”

“Right! Well… I stayed late practicing since it’s my first day, and I forgot the buses stop at midnight. I don’t have money for a taxi, so I’ll just wait for the first train in the morning.”

Jay stared at him like he’d just said the dumbest thing ever. “That’s at 6 AM.”

The boy shrugged. “Don’t really have another option. Guilty of my actions I guess.”

It was confusing. This kid was seriously planning to stay on the streets all night, in the cold, after a full day of practice—and he didn’t even seem worried.

He’s insane… But then again, he’s a BigHit trainee, so it kinda makes sense.

Without hesitation, Jay pulled out his wallet and handed the boy enough cash for a taxi.

The younger trainee looked speechless—or at least, that’s what his eyes screamed at Jay.

Before he could protest, Jay insisted “It’s money I don’t need— not like it sounds!” He fumbled, suddenly nervous for no reason. “I went out with friends earlier, and this is just leftover cash. Take it and get home safe.” He ended up sounding awkward, mentally cursing his lack of social skills.

Then, the sweetest, most genuine laugh he’d ever heard spilled from the boy’s lips.

Is this the laugh that makes fairies be born, like in Tinker Bell? Jay’s brain thought, at the most random moment. But it was true—he’d never heard a laugh so… Like that. He was enchanted. Should I adopt him as a little brother? he wondered.

“I’m not a homeless person, I can’t accept this,” the boy tried to refuse politely, but Jay pushed the money toward him again.

“I just want to make sure my hoobae gets home safe. You can pay me back later if you want, but take it for tonight, yeah?” His words were sincere. There was no way he’d sleep peacefully knowing a fellow trainee—someone who could’ve easily been him in another life of moment—was stuck waiting alone for dawn after a long-day practice.

The boy hesitated but finally took the money carefully,

“Thanks. I’ll put it to good use.” His eyes crinkled into two fine lines, like he was smiling beneath the mask.

Jay didn’t get to say anything else—his dad’s car stopped to a halt across the street, window rolling down as his father yelled, “Kiddo, what are you doing out so late?! Your mother’s worried—get in, I want to sleep!” Jay hadn’t even realized how late it was.

He turned back to the boy. Originally his plan was stay with him until he gets a taxi but—

“Thanks, sunbae. I’ll pay you back when we see each other again. Go home now—I’ll grab a taxi soon.” He sounded sincere, so Jay nodded after a deep breath.

“I’ll take your word… Good night.” He started towards the car.

“Good night, Taxi Fee Hyung!”

Nowadays, that cute younger boy had become his leader—their leader. The leader of their group, where all seven of them debuted after I-LAND. It had been a long journey, but here they were.

Without realizing it, they'd gotten along well during I-LAND. After that October day, they'd never crossed paths again—which seemed impossible during their two years as trainees, yet it happened. Jungwon—whose name Jay hadn't known until the show—remained like an NPC in his memory. (Because only Jay could have a whole conversation without learning a name).

But it wasn't until months after debut that they realized who they were to each other.

“How romantic!” Sunghoon joked when the story came up at dinner.

Jay choked on his drink. That damn ice prince.

Across the table, Jungwon looked unfazed, eyes crinkling with silent laughter.

“You think?” The leader asked, looking at him.

Jay played along. “Maybe...which means you owe me a date with the money I gave you!” The table erupted.

“After all your dates? You don’t need another one,” Heeseung added, and everyone nodded.

“It’s not like that!” Jay protested.

“Hyung, anyone with eyes can see this glue between both of you” the maknae teased.

This kid...

As conversation shifted to Sunghoon's hair and Engenes' reactions, Jay's mind stayed.

The worst part? They were right, and Jay didn’t care.

He loved their private universe. Loved how their chemistry had become something unbreakable. But it was...strange how things happened.

Jay knew from the very beginning how incredible Jungwon was. Without even knowing him, Jay wanted to get to know him. When he saw him on stage, how determined he was despite his age, Jay admired him.

Jay admired him in an uncomfortable way.

Did Jay want to be him? Don’t know.

Did Jay want his abilities? Don’t know.

Did Jay want him? A thought-provoking phrase, but still don’t know.

Did Jay want his attention? Maybe. And that ended in a ‘I want to get along with him’.

Yes, that’s what Jay wanted. To get along with him and, maybe, be friends.

Their journey in I-LAND was very hard. The members, the other boys, the practices, the Ground. Everything that now seems so far away was their reality at one point in their lives.

Still, Jay wouldn’t change how things turned out.

Jay still remembers to this day how easy it was to approach Jungwon —even without knowing he was the young boy who owed him money from that day in 2018—. And even more, how easy it was for Jay to fall for the boy’s charms. He was sweet, hardworking, talented, cute, funny…

At that moment, Jay remembered what his mom once told him: “You’re a good boy, Jay. Maybe naive sometimes… You should surround yourself with people who inspire you to be better, not just people you like.”

And yes, at that time, Jungwon was his biggest inspiration. It might sound crazy, but seeing a younger boy rank higher than him and keep most of his fanbase even inside that damn Egg Program was admirable.

In every way possible, Jungwon inspired Jay like no one else ever had.

After one week practicing together, Jungwon was crying for everyone there! And when Jay had to go to the GROUND, he was the one who comforted him, promising he’d be back the next week. And that’s what happened after the ‘FIRE’ performance.

When the big egg revealed the boys in I-LAND, all of them had their arms open, ready to welcome them… But Jay’s eyes were searching for Jungwon’s, and when he realized Jungwon was looking for him too, he got scared and ended up hugging Taki and Sunghoon first.

Later that day, Jungwon approached him and said, “I’m happy you kept your promise, hyung.” Then he went to his room.

Yes, Jungwon had this power over him from the beginning.

No one understands their relationship, not even them, because it never felt weird or forced. It always felt like something made in heaven, like it was scripted.

At first, Jay was scared that teamwork would be hard or awkward after the show, with everyone having their own friends… It could’ve gone badly. But it was really nice. Not perfect, but their real bond started forming from day one.

For him and Jungwon, it was never like that.

Of course, their relationship grew deeper, but… Jay doesn’t know since when, but he started needing to debut with him. They made a promise, they had this chemistry Jay didn’t want to lose. He felt selfish when other participants were eliminated, but deep down, he was relieved it wasn’t him or Jungwon.

He doesn’t know when or how his mind and heart changed from ‘I want to debut with K-hyung so badly’ to ‘If you get kicked out, I’ll break this egg and leave with you’. He felt guilty, but he felt complete when Jungwon got 1st place in the final episode of I-LAND.

When they hugged, he never wanted to let go. They were officially in the same boat from then on.

Years after that moment, Jay still thinks about Jungwon like he did back then.

Or even worse.

Jay doesn’t know why or how he thinks about Jungwon the way he does.

That day, he was in his personal studio at the HYBE building, brainstorming. Lately, he’d been practicing songwriting; he had a lot to express and share with his fans, so the better he got, the better his work would be tomorrow.

Not to sound too confident, but he was already pretty good with instruments and guitar stuff… Melodies, backing tracks, that kind of composition suited him well. But expressing himself? He was a mess.

Then his phone startled him with a notification from the ENHYPEN group chat. It was Heeseung:

‘LOL, I never realized how often Jungwonnie calls for Jay until videos like this show up on my TL.’

Attached was a TikTok link.

It was a short compilation of moments where Jungwon says “Jay hyung” for no reason.

Jay would give Heeseung that—he’d also never realized how often Jungwon said his name on a daily basis.

Was he as important to Jungwon as Jungwon was to him?

The thought made his stomach twist.

‘Guess he loves his Jay hyung,’ he replied in the group chat.

As the others started texting, he opened TikTok again; maybe watching some videos would inspire him to finish his first full song.

But in seconds, his feed was full of Jungwon… and a few of him and Jungwon together.

For a moment, he felt like a spectator of his own life. ENGENEs were very… creative and detail-oriented. He knew about shipping, of course, but when it came to him and Jungwon, those things made him nervous.

He knew they were both very friendly and spent most of their time together, but they were just really good friends. A friend he couldn’t live without.

Most of the edited videos were very romantic, very intimate—to the point where he, one of the main subjects, felt like he was intruding.

But one video in particular caught his attention.

This one wasn’t an edit, but rather an inside joke about how everything a boyfriend would do for his partner, Jay does for Jungwon. And the worst part? It made sense.

Cooking for your special one? Jay does it for Jungwon.

Singing for your special one? Jay does it for Jungwon.

Sticking together like glue? Jay. Does. It. For. Jungwon.

It was true—Jay had never dated anyone, but he had Jungwon… which was pretty similar.

His throat suddenly tightened.

If love and relationships were supposed to be like how he treated and saw Jungwon… then he’d figure out how to express it.

Because spending time with him gave him energy to keep going. It felt dangerous. It felt unique. For Jungwon, he would do anything and everything. At the end of the day, they were meant to be together—brothers who’d stick by each other no matter what.

They were supposed to meet at SM, but it didn’t happen. They met before I-LAND without even knowing each other’s names, then crossed paths again on the show, ending up in the final group.

And now he was stuck with this for the rest of his life.

Not knowing what he was doing. Not knowing what he felt. Not knowing what to do about Jungwon.

The deeper it went, the more it felt like inhaling helium.

Chapter Text

If there was one thing Jay knew for certain, it was that this feeling wasn't new. His reactions to Jungwon weren't new emotions but rather familiar to him.

He still remembered the unexpected announcement naming the dimpled boy as their leader. Fans had speculated it would be him - Jay - or perhaps Heeseung as the group's eldest. But when staff spoke Jungwon's name, Jay felt an unexpected weight lift from his shoulders.

Being leader wouldn't have bothered him, but it wasn't something he particularly desired either. In fact, it wouldn't have felt right. If they asked, he would have accepted, but Jungwon in that position made perfect sense - even if Jay hadn't realized it back in the moment.

"Jungwonie," he'd found a way to say days after the announcement, "now that you're leader, don't forget you're still a young man. Whatever happens, know we'll support you - especially me."

To Jay's eyes, Jungwon would always be that determined boy chasing his dreams, now with a leader's title resting on his shoulders.

As years passed, the youngest consistently proved his worth. Anyone who'd underestimated him received a verbal slap to the face. But Jay always hoped this wouldn't affect Jungwon's relationship with them. For a moment, he'd feared the need for respect might build walls between them, but it never happened. And that made him fervently happy

When their social media team explained their on-camera dynamics, Jay expected forced interactions between members despite they were still getting to know each other. But to his surprise, staff simply told him: "Just keep doing what you've been doing with Jungwon since the program."

What exactly did that mean?

Yes, perhaps Jay was always attached to Jungwon... but only because Jungwon allowed it. If Sunghoon had let his walls down sooner, maybe it would have been him instead. It wasn't an obsession with Jungwon.

But perhaps over time, he'd developed a preference for their leader.

Jay loved all his members. Since childhood, he'd been the type to give his all for friends. Once they let him in, Jay could confidently say he'd move heaven and earth for them.

But Jungwon had never fit that equation. From their I-LAND days, he'd been the one who understood Jay best, who empathized most deeply with him, their mutual support effortless. Jay had known then - Jungwon was special.

"Jay hyung." The leader's voice interrupted his vinyl organizing, lilting and bright despite the congestion from his cold. "Are we having dinner tonight?" Jungwon asked, making himself at home on Jay's bed —kicking off his slippers, tucking Jay’s favorite pillow under his chin— as if it were his own - because between them, that comfort had always existed.

"Takeout or should we cook curr-"

"Curry!" Jungwon cut him off without hesitation.

Jay turned to see his excited expression. The members had plans, but Jungwon's slight cold made him stay behind, insisting the others shouldn't cancel... including Jay, who'd refused to go anyway under the pretense of hating horror movies and preferring to play nurse. Which wasn't entirely a lie.

"I said WE, together. You sure?" Jay eyed him skeptically.

"Yes! I'm not that sick, just a little weak. But I can help."

Jay knew "help" would mean Jungwon chatting away while he cooks three dishes simultaneously. He couldn't care less.

"Okay, you win."

A little "Yay!" escaped their leader. "Still sad you didn't go with them."

"Don't be. It's not like I stayed because of you."

Liar. Such a liar, Park Jongseong.

"You could be laughing with them at some restaurant. Instead you're stuck here with dying me."

"Don't say that, Yang Jungwon," Jay said quickly. Even as a joke, it was tasteless.

The younger made a whining noise and joined Jay on the floor where the vinyls were in front of them.

"Jay hyung has grandpa tastes..." He laughed. "But good tastes. I always end up loving what you recommend."

"I could recommend something new."

"All ears." Jungwon leaned in close enough for their shoulders to brush as he examined what Jay held.

"(What's the Story) Morning Glory? By Oasis." Jay handed him the vinyl. "Those feuding brothers I told you about."

"I remember," Jungwon murmured. "Which track should I pay most attention to?"

Jay hesitated. "Tell me your thoughts after."

"Should we listen now? We have time before cooking." His eager eyes sparkled.

Jay could never say no - especially not when Jungwon looked so excited to share something he loved.

Without answering, he carefully placed the record on the player before leaning back against his bed. Jungwon soon joined him.

"They have your vibe," Jungwon whispered, not wanting to interrupt the music.

"But do you like it?" Jay kept his gaze forward.

"A lot."

Time blurred as the album played - their quiet interspersed with Jungwon's curious questions. This was what Jay cherished most: conversations flowing naturally, comfort in shared silence.

He could never have imagined, that October night years ago, how important that boy would become in a future.

"I have a favorite," Jungwon announced as the album ended. " 'Wonderwall.' It sounds... youthful. Like teenage love. From what I understood, it's about someone being your salvation?"

"Yeah," Jay agreed. "Probably a guy singing to his girlfriend."

Jungwon's gaze held something unreadable - almost conflicted - before he abruptly stood. "Let's cook."

Any thoughts evaporated as Jay sprang up.

"As our leader commands." Their laughter mingled as they exited, the record still spinning endlessly behind them.

Jay wasn’t someone who adored skinship—in fact, physical touch wasn’t his primary way of showing affection. At least not with those he wasn’t close to. But somehow, during the weeks of I-Land, he’d found himself hugging the boy with feline eyes 70% of the time.

The fact that they’d ended up as group mates only amplified this constant contact. It was inescapable. It was inescapable, as if Jungwon had a magnet that constantly drew him in.

Sometimes Jungwon would sit on his lap without reason; other times their hands would brush and linger naturally. There were even nights on tour when they’d stay up too late watching movies and end up sharing a bed—though they absolutely shouldn’t have. They both knew each other in an intimate way; “You kick in your sleep,” Jungwon had mumbled once, and Jay had lied through his teeth “You’re the one who takes the whole blanket”

None of it was new, really. Except maybe the urgency behind it now. Or the way Jay’s stomach twisted when Jungwon acted just as casually with others. Or that one time during a shoot when Jungwon ended over him because of a backhug on bed and his body had reacted in a way very strange. In better words, his friend down there got a little too excited.

Yeah. That was new.

Jay could rationalize it all he wanted—a natural response, stress, frustration—but deep down, even he didn’t buy those excuses.

Why Jungwon? Why now, after all this time? Why did something as innocent as sitting on his lap suddenly feel that way?

Jake interrupted his thoughts “You’re thinking so loud I can’t sleep.” He didn’t even open his eyes from his own bed. “I don’t need to see your face to know you’ve been spiraling since filming. What’s up?”

Jay should’ve stayed silent. Pretended Jake was dreaming. But—

“It’s… personal. Not really something I’m comfortable sharing. Makes sense?” He rolled onto his side, voice tight.

“Wanna switch to English?” Jake offered.

It wouldn’t fix anything, but at least it’d make the conversation feel more private.

“Promise not to judge me.”

“No guarantees—I’ll probably roast you a little.”

Jay glared. “You’re the one who offered to listen.”

“Relax, it’s a joke. But don’t expect me to nod along if you say something dumb.”

“Fair enough.” Jay exhaled. “I just… We’ve been so busy since debut that—how do I put this? I haven’t had time for… myself. You get it.”

A beat of silence. Then Jake snort-laughed so hard the dorm walls shook.

“That’s what’s keeping you up?!” he wheezed. Jay scowled—of course Jake wouldn’t grasp the full context.

“Not funny! You know I’ve never even dated anyone!” He hurled a pillow, but Jake only laughed harder.

“What about that girl from aespa? Didn’t you two—”

“Months ago. We’re just friends now.” Jay groaned. “Look, maybe I’m just stressed and… touch-starved? Like I’ve neglected that part of my life.”

Jake finally sobered up. “Okay, ignoring the hilarious phrasing… Have you thought about those celebrity dating apps?”

“Embarrassing,” Jay muttered.

“It’s the only option for people like us. Unless you wanna try with the Inkigayo hallways.” Jake smirked. “Remember that TXT sunbae who got caught making out in a broom closet? Yeah, don’t be that guy.” Both laughed out loud “But, seriously. Those apps have everything—influencers, foreign celebs, chaebols, pro gamers…””

“Why do you know so much about this?”

“Come on, it’s common sense. You’re probably the only idol refusing to use them.”

“Jungwon doesn’t either.” Jay bit his tongue. Why did his brain always default to Jungwon?

“Wow. You really can’t go five minutes without bringing him up, huh?” Jake mercifully moved on, though Jay’s stomach churned. “But this isn’t about Jungwon. It’s about you and your… needs.” He wiggled his eyebrows.

“Is it too much to want something natural? Something real?” Jay near-whined.

“As idols? Yeah.” Jake’s tone turned serious. “Nothing’s ‘natural’ here without risking your career. And as your friend and group mate—please don’t gamble with that yet. We’re still a young group.”

The words hit like ice water. He was right—all of them had to be careful. Their dreams came with chains.

“We’ve got a week off after the next shoot,” Jake added, shifting back to Korean as he flopped onto his pillow. “Use it to reset and give it a try.”

And yeah. Jay was already thinking of ways to spend that week.

And he did it.

He spent his week off at his parents’ house, throwing himself into chores like it was second nature—scrubbing pans until his hands turned red, reorganizing shelves that didn’t need it, anything to quiet the static in his brain—all while practicing the chords and lyrics to ‘Wonderwall’ on his guitar.

After listening to the song with Jungwon in his room a few weeks back, it had looped incessantly in his mind. Maybe a sudden cover for ENGENE as a gif for the free week wouldn’t be a bad idea, he’d thought.

The group chat with the boys buzzed nonstop, everyone sharing updates about their free time.

Except Jake.

Privately, he kept pestering Jay with “Doing anything ~interesting~?” followed by a string of suggestive emojis. Ah, youth.

Jay wished he were the type of person who could enjoy something quick and momentary—hell, he craved it right now. But he wasn’t. He couldn’t force himself to be.

As an only child, he’d grown up watching everything TV had to offer—no restrictions, as long as it was age-appropriate. The movies on that one channel with the talking mouse always followed the same script: girl meets perfect boy, love at first sight, a happily-ever-after sealed with a kiss. It was only natural he’d grown up dreaming of something like that. Not literally, but close—finding someone who felt like home from the very first moment, where everything flowed effortlessly, where no one else could ever compare. Like soulmates. Like destiny.

Yeah, Jay was naive.

Chasing that fantasy as an idol—in the real world, where nothing was black-and-white and relationships were far from perfect—was borderline delusional. But at the very least, he wanted to know the person before getting intimate.

Right now, though? Meeting someone wasn’t in the cards.

The only solution was to purge his mind of those thoughts and needs, to convince himself the right time would come. Until then, he’d have to control his body’s reactions—because, at the end of the day, he was still a healthy young guy.

And his answer was music. It was always music. His expression, his refuge. The best way to escape any thought was to pick up his guitar and lose himself in a song—which, for some reason, kept being ‘Wonderwall’.

The song that’d become his temporary salvation.