Work Text:
'I hope that all of you guys have some sort of a shelter that exists within your minds. A place you could go to as a last resort. That’s the only way people can go on with their lives.'
Sometimes Namjoon doesn’t think, sometimes he just does, because sometimes he doesn’t want to get lost in the endlessness of his head, in his way of going over every single thing a million times, until it turns bad and ugly and he wants to curl up in a corner with his eyes closed and hands over his ears.
But when Namjoon doesn’t think he may feel easy at first, but always regrets later, because when he doesn’t think once or twice, maybe three times, just to make sure, he does and says things he’d like to forget but others never will.
It doesn’t matter how many times he apologized and how sincere his words were, they wouldn’t forget, and so Namjoon tries to think about his every breath and every step, not wanting to draw negative attention to himself, to the members, his members.
But humans can’t be perfect and neither can their actions, so Namjoon still messes up, and turns and twists in his bed at night, loosing the few hours of sleep he can get to doubts and regrets.
Most of the time he is scared to once again do something that will be held against him later, say something that will cause others to look at him with judging eyes. Most of the time, but not always, not when Taehyung is around, because Taehyung makes him forget about his fears, Taehyung makes everything easy. With Taehyung, he’s free.
He isn’t trapped in his own head, isn’t afraid to say what is on his mind, isn’t afraid his words, his thoughts, might be wrong, or that his actions are out of place, because Taehyung doesn’t shake his head in disgust, doesn’t tell him he’s awful or an embarrassment, he doesn’t leave.
When Namjoon holds his breath, realizing what he has done, what he has said, scared of the backlash, scared of the consequences, Taehyung laughs.
Taehyung laughs and clouds that blocked the sky disappear.
Taehyung laughs and it feels like spring in the middle of the winter.
Taehyung laughs and the rain stops.
Taehyung laughs and birds start singing and flowers are blooming and the world seems to be a better place.
Taehyung laughs.
Taehyung laughs.
Taehyung laughs and Namjoon doesn’t think, he just looks, breathing in the fresh air in the middle of the busy city, he watches the sun rise at 3PM, not talking, not moving, not daring to disturb this sight, this beauty.
Maybe, if he just stays stills, this moment wouldn’t end, would go on forever, maybe, if he just wished for it enough, the world would stop spinning and time would stop passing.
When Namjoon can’t sleep, he remembers every smile of Taehyung. When it gets too much, he recalls the sound of his voice. When he wants to quit, he remembers how Taehyung looks at him when he’s talking about music, when he’s writing lyrics, when he’s practicing parts, when he’s just thinking out loud, skipping words and leaving out half of the sentences.
He remembers how Taehyung looks at him with eyes bigger than the moon and brighter than the sun, with an expression filled curiosity and an innocence he doubted even existed nowadays, head resting on his knees and arms wrapped around his legs.
And he falls asleep with his mind at peace, with his head full of smiles and laughs and big, bright eyes.
And Namjoon has thought about Taehyung more than a million times, looked at him from every angle twice, has studied his laughs and memorized every shade of his iris, but despite all of this, Namjoon is sure Taehyung would never turn ugly.