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“Nose-kun, are you awake?”
Usopp grumbled. Breathing was taking a truly disproportionate amount of effort for how little he felt like being conscious, and he was half tempted just to roll over and sleep some more so he didn't have to think about it at all.
But he doesn't do that, no matter how much he wants to.
“Yeah, I'm up.” he says, and his bleary eyes widen open at how scratchy he sounds. What did he even do to sound like this? He doesn't remember much of the past…
“You passed out just a bit after luffy pulled you on board.” Robin supplies, as weirdly knowing as ever.
“Ah, I see. How’re you doing?”
Robin takes a pause at that, blinking. She inhales through her nose sharply, and then breaths out. “I feel well. Like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.”
“I do too, although maybe that's because I don't have luffy jumping on me like a hound dog right now.” Usopp jokes and Robin allows herself a hint of a chuckle. “You should feel relieved. You fought very well despite your injuries. I’m sorry I wasn't around when most of it occurred. If i had known-”
“Save it. You were being kidnapped by the shitty government,"Usopp says with a wave of his hands, “Besides, that's all…”
“Water under the bridge?”
“..yeah, something like that.”
Robin smiles, but it's clear she noticed his hesitance. “So, how do you feel about having Franky on the team? I was told he was one of the ones to beat you up in water 7.”
“Well, yeah, but he's alright now. He's a … pretty genuine seeming guy. He helped to save you, right? That's gotta count for something. Plus he's got the sogeking seal of approval.”
She hums softly at that, straightening her back in the chair beside usopp's bed. “Sogeking’s approval is a very high award to bestow. You’ll have to let Franky know he's won that title. I think he’d find it to be quite-”
“SUUUPPPPPERRRRRRRRRRRRRR-” comes a loud booming masculine voice before Robin can finish her thought. Usopp blinks, and points a weak finger at robin. “That… wasn't you, was it?”
“No. I don't sound that stupid. I suppose that is franky, getting all riled up about something on the ship. Would you like to come with me to see what it was?”
Now that was a good question. Usopp shifted in bed, moving his very sore bandaged legs and arms, flexing each toe and finger, trying to calculate how long he could handle being up and at it without falling back on his ass. Decidedly, he’d be okay. He had a couple of days to heal, so he should be alright, but mentally he's less sure.
“Uh.. well i really don't know my way around the new ship, but…”
“It won't hurt to go up really quick. If you're too weak to get back here we can always have Zoro carry you.”
That phrase makes Usopp want to laugh. How true to life had that statement become? Usopp being worthless and Zoro or Luffy or Sanji having to save his ass. Still, that can be put aside for now. Usopp stands up, wobbling on his feet, instinctively hesitating to put his left foot down before remembering it's been casted. He looks up, holding his breath while he waits for the usual impending dizziness that comes with standing up. After it comes and goes, he follows after robin, who's walking at a snail's crawl to save Usopp some dignity. It doesn't work.
Robin leads him from the infirmary where he’d been sleeping out to the gally, which is the source of the shouting. Anxiety is already starting to choke Usopp from the large confusing hallways and the impending faces of his crew.
His crew. Does he even deserve to call them that after everything he put them through?
He tried to get rid of himself to help them, and all he did was hurt them worse. And he was still stubborn about apologizing.
What a joke.
Before usopp can fein weakness and calculate a way to fall that looks dramatic but won't actually hurt, robins have already opened the door. Inside is franky, sanji, and nami. Everyone looks at robin, and then him. Sanji sits up from his position looking over Nami’s shoulder while she works.
“Robin- chwann~! My elegant sweet, is there something you need? Consolation ? food? A feel better kiss-”
Nami swats at sanji. “Don't be overbearing, sanji, she's had a long week.”
Sanji sighs. “You're right as always. Apologies, robin,”
“Your forgiven, cook-san. I’m pleased you're so enthused about seeing me.” she smiles at the blond. Usopp's brain knocks against his skull just to remind him that nobody is excited to see him. Admittedly, nami and chopper had cried when he got back, but now the redhead is calm. She's barely looking at him, and Sanji hasn't really acknowledged his existence at all. The galley is so unwelcome, so big and intimidating and different, and even the comforting sight of his friends doesn't warm the cool walls. He feels like an intruder. THey would have been happier if somebody else had walked through the door behind robin, or maybe nobody else at all.
Surprisingly, it's franky who addresses usopp first, clapping him on the back and earning a pained shout from usopp. “Heya sniper bro! You takin it sleazy? Like the new kitchen?”
“Ah- its- its great, franky. Quite the feat.”
“You bet. And there's more where that comes. There's even a spot for you downstairs if you wanna go check it out-”
A … spot for him?
“You're kidding.” his mouth says before his brain, and it comes out in a demanding harsh bark. Franky stiffens, adjusting his sunglasses. “Uh, no, man. The others said you like inventing stuff so I gave you your own little zone near where I work! We could even work together sometimes, if that's what you dig!”
Usopp feels like he's going to faint. And with the way robin has summoned hands to keep him balanced, he must look like he might. His lips have never been so dry, and for a talk-a-holic he's sure out of things to say now. He tries to smile. It feels like a grimace. “Oh, well, that's nice. I.. appreciate it.”
“What's that look for, usopp? Don't be ungrateful. Franky put a lot of work into the ship-”
“I'm not being ungrateful. Or im- im just a little surprised. That's all. I think it's sweet im just-”
Usopp trails off. Sanji keeps eyeing him with suspicion, and it makes usopp want to shrink. Namis glance of pity makes him want to more. Robin and franky exchange a glance so fleeting that, if usopp hadn't been staring at Franky to avoid Sanji and Nami, he wouldn't have seen it. A glance of… understanding, maybe? But then again, it could be something else. Franky huffs, turning to face his back to usopp.
“I understand. You're used to being on a different ship. It's normal to be a bit freaked out. You can always check it out later. Why don't you sit down to eat? Sanji made a killer seafood pasta for lunch.”
Lunch had already passed? Jeez, he's sure been out like a rock. The thought of eating sanji's cooking fills him with dread. Not because he doesn't want to indulge in a pasta he already knows is going to be decadent and filling when he hasn't eaten a full meal in days. No, because he can't begin to get into the list of reasons why he doesn't deserve to eat that food. He doesnt fit in anymore, he doesn't click. He's become too difficult, like he's always been for that. Sanji's food is for his nakama, it's how he shows his love.
How can usopp take a piece of that love when he was so selfish as to squander it earlier? Sanji is like his food. Strong and sweet, bold and fantastic with all the fixings and plating to light up anyone. And he wasted it. He wasted food, and he knows sanji enough to do this for him. The least he could do now is protect Sanji's food from being eaten by someone who was a waste.
“A-actually, while the pasta sounds really good, im… not hungry.”
“I find that hard to believe, “ Nami finally addresses, squinting behind her glasses. “After all the fighting we've been through we’re all eating luffy style. You haven't eaten.”
“Right. You're not too screwed in the brain to remember that, are you?” Sanji agrees. “Get some damn food. It's in the oven so I'll stay warm.”
“You didn't have to do that for me.” The shouldnt almost squeaks out, but he fixes it.
“Too bad, shitty sniper.”
Robin opens the oven for him. Usopp runs down his sleeve to grab the dish and pull it up. There's half of it still in there, which is a testament to how large of a serving he made for there to be that much PL (post luffy). It smells amazing. Usopp feels sick. A fork is extended to him before he can make an excuse.
Man, he's hungry.
He lifts a bite to his mouth and closes his lips around the fork. It tastes good enough to make him cry.
Usopp is on a pirate ship he doesn't know, and didn't get, and is absolutely not merry.
Bite.
Usopp is on a pirate ship and everyone he loves is treating him weird, and he deserves it.
Bite.
Usopp is on a pirate ship with two people who left the crew for good reasons, and with a crew so unselfish about everything it's maddening.
Bite.
Usopp is on a pirate ship with people so much better than him at everything it's appalling.
Bite.
Usopp is on a pirate ship made by somebody who he thought was going to kill him, and somehow that man was a better nakama than he’d ever be.
Bite.
Usopp is on a pirate ship eating food he absolutely doesnt deserve.
He's on a pirate ship breathing life he doesn't deserve to have.
What is he even there for at all?
What is the point in him being here if all he does is hurt them?
Usopp isn't holding his fork anymore. He's looking up and he sees vague surprise and worry on the crew's faces, and he knows he's falling backwards off his chair but he doesn't have half the mind to stop it. He wants to scream, but he can't.
He wants to call out to them.
Please.
Somebody tell me it's okay. Somebody tell me it's alright for me to be here right now. Somebody told me it's okay that I'm not the best. Somebody tell me it's alright for me to be alive right now.
PLEASE! SOMEBODY TELL ME THAT IT'S OKAY-
And then he started to dream.
~~~
“You’re okay, mom. It's all going to be okay…” Usopp tries to breathe as he clutches her hand on his own, even though he can't wrap his tiny fingers around her larger hand. From her bed, bankina laughs. Slow and creaking, like an attic door or a book under a library shelf being opened for the first time.
“My silly boy,.. Its okay. I’m not crying because im scared. You know I'm too brave for that.”
Yeah, usopp thinks, I'm the one who's scared right now. Instead , he says “I know. Your very brave, mom. You just have to hold on a bit longer. It's spring time now, winter is over. ANd spring is a great time for pirates to sail! Dads going to be here very soon!” He tries to cheer up his voice, to sing song and chirp like she used to do to him in those first years after dad left.
“You dream too much, my boy. Just like your father, But your dads off chasing his dreams now. And that's the bravest thing you can do, my boy.” She rasps, and usopp nods. “Right,” he says, because what else is there to say anymore.
He can hear grunting and shuffling feet coming towards the house. Doctors walking up the old hill here. He tries to give mom a well meaning smile. “The doctors are going to come take care of you, now. I'm going to go get us dinner. Stay right here, okay?” he warms, knowing full well she's bedridden. He wets a cloth and puts it on her head. She smiles. “You're so independent, my dear. Your future mister or misses will be very lucky to have you.”
“Like I'm lucky to have you, “ he grins. He ties his shoes back on over ratty socks, scratching at a bug bite on his thigh. He fumbles, stepping up onto a chair to reach over the counter and grab his fishing pole and little fold out knife.
“Just you wait, mama! I'm going to catch a tilapia so big a- eight hundred fishman could ride on its back with room to spare!”
To that his sweet mother just laughs. Usopp carries his young legs out to the back door of the house, mousing on his tiptoes to open the door. He pushes out through the backyard and follows a self made path till he's at the shore. Once he's there he sits down on the flattest rock he can find, one that's toasty from the sun but not scalding, and casts his line. The dingy bobber plays on the waves before stilling. Instead of usopp's monster tilapia like he so proudly educated his mother about, he was just hoping to catch enough to eat.
It wasn't very nice, taking care of himself and his mom. It's hard work. For most families, the mother takes care of the child. Not for him, though. No, usopp does the carrying, and the feel better kisses, and makes the dinner and tidies the house.
And it's not like it's his moms fault. No, not at all. He could never blame her for her illness, but if he could just have a normal family, things would be more okay. Maybe, if dad were still here, or if usopp was sick and hurt instead of her, he would belong here.
Maybe if he could just get hurt.
The doctors would take care of him, too. And mom would tell the silly stories and give him a goodnight kiss instead of the opposite way around. That would be nice, he supposes. To be cared for like that. To be there , and to be loved implicitly. To be something other than a mistake to side step or a burden to care for. Someone who can be told that he's wanted to stay. Someone that can be heard.
The knife in his pocket gets heavier. And if he were smarter or older, he might’ve thought to use it then. To get that care he was so desperate for. But he didn't. Because it would only take away from his poor mother. His only reason to stay where he was. And he doesn't want to become any more of a burden then he already is.
~~~
Pirate ships are like commas, and trains are like periods.
Or at least that's always how he's figured it. Commas can be almost anywhere in a sentence, can move and adapt to fit your needs. Can serve like a pirate ship does when approaching something bobbing in the water.
Trains are like periods. Final. There's only one place a period can go, and if you're in the way of that , if you're on the tracks, it's game over.
Usopp , Franky extends that to, is more train than he is a ship.
When he's put on his course, he stays on it, and he doesn't move. He just keeps chugging along, and rolling with it, because what can you do? And even when a train hits its breaks, it usually doesn't stop that second. The teen Franky has known and then met in that order, chugs along full throttle and probably started pumping the brakes ages ago and just can't find enough time to ease into that stop.
Maybe that's why he fought with his crew.
Maybe he had wanted to slow down, to hit the breaks, but was already going so fast there was no way out. Maybe, though it's not his place to say.
“Careful with him, Robin, he must be weaker than we thought,” franky tells the woman as she supports a limp usopp, who just fell out of his chair onto the floor like a weight. He lets his eyes drift to sanji and nami, whose faces are that of varied alarm and concern.
“Right. I’ll put him back into bed.” She nods, wiping her bangs out of her eyes and going to exit. Franky extends a hand, “Wait, robin bro- i’ll come with!”
“There's no need for that, franky.”
“But I wanna. If it's all the same to you.”
Robin smiles that, and there isn't anything like a pretty girl smiling at you like that, in franky's opinion. “Come on.”
Robin leads back to the infirmary, her feet featherlight against the wood of the ship. She pushes open the infirmary door, and lays usopp down on one of the beds, glancing at the bloody stains on the white sheets. She sits on the foot of it. Franky would do the same, but he’s a little large for that.
“So,.. robin. You’ve been with the strawhats for a bit now… have they ever fought like this before? Like they did with uso-bro?”
“Mm. Nami told me briefly of the time she left the crew, but I don't think it was quite the same.”
Franky nods, slowly. Robin makes no attempt to leave, holding a hand firmly on the young man's side, grounding. He looks at her blue eyes, shining with a new vigor that he can pinpoint the exact moment it got there.
I want to live.
“Y’know… you two seem an awful lot alike.”
“...how so?”
“Well I certainly wouldn't call you aimless, but you’ve spent most of your life on the run, yeah? Now you’ve got your chance to settle into your ambition. And sniper bros certainly have ambition, but i don't think he's got it in the right way.”
Robin hums, complicative. Franky carries on. “When you live for your dream, sometimes you forget to do the living part. He's awfully stubborn, reminds me of myself.After I lost Tom, and built myself into the man I am today, I felt guilty. Guilty i was alive and he wasn't, and that he died protecting me. I didn't feel worth the life i had, not until lately.”
“...I can share the sentiment, to a certain degree”.
“I guess I'm just worried for the little fella.”
Robin nods, and then looks up. “It's a hard thing to do. To live when you constantly feel like you're about to die.”
“To pump the brakes when everything makes you want to run.”
They sit there in silence for a minute. Not quite comfortable, but not tense either. Concerned.
“I think the rest of the strawhats need to have a serious conversation.” she observes thoughtfully.
“I'm right with ya, pal. The awkward vibe going around really isn't my thing. Very strange as a newcomer to the ship.”
That makes Robin laugh, and by the time he's gotten over how pretty of a sound it is she's talking again. “Quite. I think it would be in our crew- , our friends best interest to talk about the events of water 7 out more thoroughly. Usopp has,.. Insisted that it is “water under the bridge” but I don't think it should be. I think it needs to be learned from.”
He nods to her. “Bingo. So do we have a plan to intervene this up robin bro?”
“Yes. Yes, franky, I believe I do.”
~~~
“Uhh… nami, remind me why im here right now?” Usopp asks, running a hand through the part of his hair that isn't between Nami’s hands. Nami huffs. “Isn’t it obvious?”
“Well I know you're doing my hair. I’m just asking why.”
Nami gives an indignant sigh and slaps him. “Yow! What the hell was that for?”
“I figured you’d gotten amnesia. It makes sense because you’ve seemingly forgotten IM YOUR FRIEND, DIPSTICK! Friends do each other's hair! Friends build climatacts for free! Friends-”
“Woah, woah, slow it down, the clima tact was not free-”
“Don't avoid the subject you know i HATE it when you avoid the subject.”
Usopp sighs, and tries to slink out of her grasp. She gives the dread she's working on a tight pull.
“Its an idiot eat idiot world out here, usopp. If I can't depend on you to be smart with me I'm doomed.”
“Robins are smarter than me. Depend on her.”
“Robins book smart. Your street smart, usopp.”
Usopp snorts, raising an eyebrow. “Street smart. Sure. ignoring the fact I got most of our savings stolen twice.”
Nami's eyes widen a bit at his grumble, and she stops braiding. “Back it up, usopp! You're still hung up on that? We got past it, didn't we? Why are you still thinking about that?”
SHe gently cups his chin with her hand, and points his head up so his hair is against her knees, and he's looking into her eyes. Damn those worried green doe eyes.
“What's going on, ‘sopp? Where's your head at right now? I don't like your big thinking brain when it's only thinking bad thoughts.”
Usopp tries to push her hand off of him. She lets it go, but she doesn't seem all that happy with it. “It's over, usopp. We all made up.”
“I wouldn't call what we're doing now made up.”
Nami raises an eyebrow. Usopp groans. “Don't act like I haven't noticed everyone walking on eggshells around me. Everyones waiting on me to like- stub my toe and light the ship on fire because of it.”
Usopp-”
“Don't usopp me. I'm right! I'm so right! Everyone is looking at me like they don't- trust me! And i mean- your right not to but- why -”
“Why keep me, then?”
Nami breaths out. She slowly goes back to working his hair, finding her voice after a minute. “I'm sure it’ll go away soon. Nobody was hostile towards me after i got back-”
“That's because you didn't have a mental breakdown over not getting what you wanted. You didn't throw a hissy fit and beat up your captain like I did.”
“...I don't like this. I don't like how you're talking about yourself right now. It seems like just yesterday you were trying everything to justify why you were right, and now you're trying to justify everyone else hating your guts when that just isn't true.”
“Look. I talked to robin and franky about being worried about you earlier today. I think we’ve all talked about having a sit down talk after dinner. These kinds of things are ones we can't run from, usopp. I know that's what we were used to, but we were in the belly of the beast. We seriously wont move on until we talk it through.”
“...maybe. Okay? Is that good enough for you?”
“Yeah. maybe good enough right now. Now let's talk about what you owe me for scaring the shit out of me so many times during the past week you asshole-”
Usopp rolls his eyes as she starts to get into the math of his “emotional damages”. It's bittersweet, a conversation so familiar yet so painful to have.
~~~
“Where do you think you're going?” Sanji raises a pointed eyebrow and sticks a finger at the shitty long nose who's so very obviously trying to worm out of the kitchen once dinner hada concluded. “Uh, .. to bed? Chopper says i have “cant-have-this-talk-right-now-itis so-”
“I didn't say that!” the young reindeer exclaims. IF usopp's look could kill it would’ve.
“Sit back down, usopp.” Marimo mutters, pushing the younger teen back down into his chair. Usopp doesn't dare argue with the moss ball.
“Look- i- am really sorry, okay? I was a shitty crewmate- and i- i shouldnt have- i was being awful. Everyone was sad about merry- and im not- im not special. Nobody wanted to lose her. I didn't have to react the way I did, I didn't have to fight Luffy, I didn't have to do- any of that stuff. I just… I was just being stupid. That's all there was.”
“It's not very often you act stupid for no reason, usopp. TO get out of doing something,” nami starts,
“Or to make people laugh” luffy continues
“Or to save your own hide, sure” franky finishes.
“But you're… smarter than that. You wouldn't act so damn stupid in front of me or luffy unless you wanted to get your shit rocked.” Zoro says, pointedly
.”So what gives? Why did the expert in avoiding fights decide to pick one then? It's clear you know you were being a dibshit, why didn't you stop? Or apologize sooner, for that matter.”
Usopp worries about his hands, fidgeting restlessly and staring at his boots. “Well it really isn't- that simple-” He squeaks out. Half the room gives him a “bullshit” look.
“.... okay. So. Maybe it isn't… that complicated. I just…”
Usopp draws a breath. “I just… I wanted you all to care.”
“Like we didn't before?” Sanji snorts.
“Ughh! Don't question my stupidity , sanji! I just-”
“You wanted somebody to see you.” Robin concludes, and it makes usopp stop. Right on the money.
“You wanted someone to see your pain. Because you were hurting, weren't you? Hurting then and hurting before. And you wanted somebody to see you.”
Usopp laughs. Not like his own. Low and angry. “For someone who's always being saved from his own cowardice, I sure was begging for help like I wasn't getting enough of it.”
“Is that really all it was? That you wanted ro be seen or some shit?”
“He wanted comfort. There's no shame in that. He just should have asked-” Nami starts before usopp bangs his fists against the table.
“I would have asked if I could've! Asking was just going to show how weak I am!”
“Usopp you're not weak! I wouldn't put strong among your virtues but weak is not in your faults so cut the bullshit!”
“But i am weak! Im pathetic and worthless! I need to be gotten rid of! If not by you guys by some monster that's going to chew me up and eat me! I would much rather I get kicked out then I die pathetically and make you all mourn me because I'm too much of a burden to survive the new world!” And suddenly usopp is crying and the room takes a pause.
“I just wanted to be told its okay! That im okay! That you don't regret keeping me! That your not all going to leave me! I know I'm not good enough! I know i'm not good enough but just tell me your not-”
“How dare you.” Luffy says, and it's the first time he's spoken. Usopp freezes.
“How dare you imply that I would ever abandon my nakama!”
“B- but- you told me to leave during our fight! You were going to leave me on the shore you-”
“And that would have been a mistake! We were not actually going to leave you! I would never! We would have turned right back around!”
“Oh, yeah, okay. Like I could trust that. If I wanted someone to make false promises about coming back for me I would've stayed waiting for my dad!”
Usopp blurts loudly and there's a beat, where it really starts to come together with what this is about.
Luffy sighs, looking at usopp with a patient expression. “I shouldn't have made you doubt. I'm your captain, and your nakama. You should have never needed to doubt the fact that we love you. None of us handled water 7 well, and I wish I had asked you about this sooner! And for that I'm really sorry. The little voice in your brain that says mean stuff to you was why you were being mean, and so I'm going to kick its ass!” Luffy comes to Usopp's side, stretching his arms to envelope him in a hug. He pokes the side of Usopp's temple. “You hear that? No more calling my friend usopp stupid or worthless. He deserves to be here. And we want him here.”
Chopper stands, bounding up to join the hug. “Yeah! Leave our friend usopp alone! There are plenty of medications we can use to get rid of those bad thoughts, but for now we’ll just make sure we remind you how wrong they are!”
Sanji purses his lips around his cigarette before taking it from his mouth. “If you think your job here is being a coward, then you're really shitty at it. Because no matter how scared you are, you always come back to face your enemies. This is no different. Water 7 happened because you ran, but you did what you do best and you came back to meet the asshole giving you grief.”
“Right. And now that we know what we're working with, we can help more. Even a stupid curly cook knows it's much easier to help with a fight in your head if you tell us about it and let us in. I can't cut down something inside you but I sure as hell are good at busting down walls, and the ones you're trying to build aren't any different.” Zoro affirms, not joining the hug but offering a shoulder pat to a now weeping usopp.
Nami laughs, a bit misty eyed, and wraps around her friend. “You moron. There isn't enough berrie in the world for us to get rid of you. Get used to it, because you're stuck with us. You and I are going to be running from danger until Luffy is the pirate king.”
“..i wouldn't have it any other way.” is all usopp can manage to choke out. Luffy pulls off his straw hat and presses it against Usopp's head. “We're going to get through this. You’re allowed to be alive, usopp, so live with me. How can I be a pirate king if the world's best sniper is too worried about what he isn't to remember what he is and shoot down all the bad guys? I Can't do it without you, so don't be a liar and act like I can!”
“A- alright, luffy. I won't lie anymore. Not about what I'm feeling,.. And not about this crew. Were a team, and we need all of us to get by… even …me”
“Even you.” murmurs the room, and in that moment everyone believes it.