Work Text:
MarineTan fanfic series present.
The Ziggurat of Uruk. Ea-nasir, disheveled and panting, scrambles up the ancient steps, dust clinging to his robes.
Ea-nasir: [He squints at the complex cuneiform, muttering.] "By the beard of Anu, and the… the sacred… donkey… of Kish… return to the hour of… the Bull of Heaven!" R-right. Here goes nothing! [He presses his thumb to a glyph that flares with emerald light. A blinding white flash engulfs him, accompanied by a sound like a thousand angry hornets and fabric tearing reality. The air shimmers violently, then solidifies, revealing a familiar, yet chaotic, Uruk street under a burning sun.]
Camera cuts to a title card reading "PHARAOH: Total Genderbend".
Ea-nasir: W-what in the name of...?!
The explosion and roaring are heard from far away. (sound only)
fem!Merneptah: [raises an eyebrow, intrigued by Ea-nasir's disheveled state] A merchant? You say? From distant Ur?
[Scene 1] Battle of Azzati. Suddenly, a figure pushes through the joyous throng, their face etched with a look of profound woe. It is Ea-nasir, recognizable by his perpetual air of grievance. [Scene 2] Many nearby revelers glance at him, then quickly turn away, resuming their conversations. Lady Chancellor Bay turns fully to him, a slight, knowing smile on her lips.
🎵
I'll never... you wrong
I'll never... you wrong
The grand courtyard of the palace pulses with the vibrant energy of a night celebration. Torches flicker, casting dramatic shadows against the ancient walls, and the air hums with music and the joyful clinking of ceramic cups. Lady Chancellor Bay stands at the center of the revelry, her striking blue high ponytail a beacon of celebration.
Ea-nasir: [still trying to interject] But the ziggurat… the ziggurat of Uruk…
The crowd laughs at him.
-- Ea-nasir accidentally travels to the Late Bronze Age collapse! --
Lady Walwetes plants her feet, aims the impossible weapon at Lady Ramesses' advancing lines, and pulls a trigger.
fem!Walwetes: Charge!
-- Amidst the uncultured Sea Peoples invasion! --
🎵
I'll never do it 'cause you treat me wrong
Ea-nasir, a man whose mind is usually on ledgers and shipping manifests, finds himself an accidental spectator, peering from behind a column.
Ea-nasir: [internal thought] Another evening, another clash. Lady Ramesses, [...] moves like a swift current, her sword a silver streak. And Crown Princess Seti, wielding her formidable khopesh, meets every blow with the strength of stone. They are magnificent, [...]
[Scene 3] *Clang*! Lady Ramesses' sword rings against Crown Princess Seti's khopesh. Both women are breathing heavily, their faces alight with competitive fire. [Scene 4] The clash grows more intense, sparks fly.
male!Tausret: [steps into the courtyard with an exasperated sigh, his voice firm] Alright, stop it! Both of you!
In the front of Princess Amenmesse's Treasure Room. Princess Amenmesse steps forward, a soft jingle of metal accompanying her. In her hand, she holds a heavy ring of actual keys. She looks at Ea-nasir's fumbling fingers.
🎵
[...] come and sing my song
fem!Amenmesse: Are you quite finished, Copper Lord?
Ea-nasir: [freezes, the toothstick still halfway in the keyhole.] Just... a moment more. Almost there.
fem!Amenmesse: [holds up the keys with a knowing smirk.] You picked the wrong tool, Copper Lord!
Lady Iolaos peers through her polished bronze telescope, blond hair with its sharp undercut catching the light, a sardonic twist to her lips.
fem!Iolaos: Look at them, my Sherden. Princess Seti and Princess Amenmesse. [...] They are blind, entirely blind, to the true tides.
[Scene 5] Princess Amenmesse's Treasure Room. Princess Amenmesse is investigating her treasure room as objects have been stolen and the pristine wall has been defaced "YOUR BRONZE AGE STINKS!" by Lady Iolaos and her Sherdenian army. [Scene 6] Watchtower. Lady Iolaos, her blond hair swept to one side, revealing a sharp undercut, watches in mounting disbelief as twenty straw-covered boats drift towards the distant Sea Peoples' fleet. Arrows rain down on them, embedding themselves in the straw.
fem!Iolaos: [frustrated, turning to her Sherdenian soldier] This is preposterous!
[Scene 7] Battle of Azzati. The camp is a scene of weary triumph. Fires flicker, tending to the wounded. The air is thick with the smell of dust, sweat, and faint metallic tang. [Scene 8] Modern day. The name, utterly out of context, delivered with such calm certainty by the impossibly chic woman, Madam Merneptah, hits Hong Jing like a shockwave. Her brain short-circuits. Her eyes bulged. Her composure shatters.
Hong Jing: [a high-pitched, ear-splitting shriek that echoes through the quiet gallery, startling two nearby tourists who jump and drop their audio guides] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
🎵
Living in another way, oooh
[Scene 9] The elephant lets out another triumphant trumpeting roar, raising one massive foot as if preparing for a dance move, as the battle descends into utterly joyous, breakdancing chaos.
Setnakhte: [his voice booming, light erupting from his sword] Behold! The Sun God’s Seismic Shuffle!
[Scene 10] A cacophony erupts: the screech of tearing metal, the splintering of wood, a mournful, drawn-out B-flat scratch as the DJ's turntables give their last gasp. Glittering confetti of splintered wood and shattered dreams showers down across the battlefield. The Olympic breakdancing stage collapses into a heap of V-twisted girders, broken tiles, and a single, forlorn disco ball. [Scene 11] Ishtar summons the Bull of Heaven.
🎵
Living in another way
[Scene 12] One of the Sea Peoples soldiers "stabs" Lady Irsu's upper left shoulder with his spear. There's a curious thwack rather than a squish, as if the weapon merely glanced off or hit something unexpectedly hard.
🎵
(Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop move now)
[Scene 13] Princess Amenmesse's Treasure Room. Djarhu claps his hands, encouraging the crowd, who begin to mimic his strange, energetic movements.
Djarhu: [laughing, spinning] Feel it, people! Feel the rhythm! It pulls you! Yeah!
Ea-nasir: [eyes wide, disbelieving]
🎵
Living in another way, oooh
To live it up every single day
[Scene 14] Uruk, 1750 BCE. Gilgamesh dodges a massive horn of the Bull, grunting with exertion. [Scene 15] A quieter corner of the hall, Lady Kurunta presides over a significant signing ceremony. Representatives from the Tjeker (led by Kanajami) and Lukka (led by Asasumaises) factions sit across from her, a large, unfurled parchment between them.
Asasumaises: We sign with honor. May this accord last for generations.
[Scene 16] The air in Ugarit's royal chamber crackles with a tension thicker than the humid coastal breeze. Dust from the long, desperate journey still clings to the once-opulent robes of Great Queen Suppiluliuma II of Hatti. Beside her, King Zuwa of Carchemish stands, his face grim, his hand resting on the hilt of his sword. Before them sits Donis of Ugarit, his expression unreadable, surrounded by his wary advisors. [Scene 17] Uruk, 1750 BCE. Ea-nasir trails off, a gasp escaping his lips as the Bull of Heaven scores a glancing blow on Gilgamesh, sending him skidding across the paving stones. [Scene 18] A massive, ornate club flies through the air, launched with incredible force. It slams into the cluster of Sea Peoples soldiers surrounding Crown Princess Seti and Prince Tausret, scattering them like bowling pins.
🎵
(Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop move now)
[Scene 19] King Zuwa enters. He is a man of imposing stature, with a keen, intelligent gaze. He prostrates himself before the Queen, then rises to a respectful bow.
Zuwa: By the grace of the Storm God and the Sun Goddess, I greet you, Great Queen Suppiluliuma.
The scene ends with a title card reading "PHARAOH: Total Genderbend".
[Scene 20] Nanni, a burly man with a face like a storm cloud, strides in, clutching a small, discolored lump of copper.
Ea-nasir: [recoils slightly] Wow, Nanni, what is this... refuse, uh? I assure you, my copper from Dilmun, imported by my esteemed guild, the Alik Tilmun, is of the finest grade!
Nanni: Fi- "finest grade"? This is not the finest one!