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Alec had always expected to die young, it was usual, common-place for Shadowhunters, even more so for those who were involved in as many wars and incidents as Alec and his family have been.
It would have been normal, no one would have been surprised, in fact, thats what he'd been expecting all his life, what he'd hopes for for a little while there.
It would have been natural: Shadowhunters fight demons every day, their bound to take a bad hit every once and a while, and when you start that at 14 and continue for the next 10, 20, 30 years, eventually you don't get back up.
It was just a fact of their profession, the life expectancy for active duty Shadowhunters was 45, Alec knew one day he'd die in the field, and after falling in love, with an immortal, after marrying an immortal, he'd been sure that he'd die before Magnus did, it was the only statistically likely outcome, with Alec being a Shadowhunter, in the line of danger literally every day, and Magnus being High Warlock- who, does such important work, and does risk his live on occasion, but not near as much as Alec, couple that with the fact that Magnus dying of old age was even more improbable than Alec dying of old age.
But of course, Alec should have learned by now never to expect things to go a certain way, the universe seems to always pull the rug right out from under him the very moment he's sure of something.
This time, he lost his husband, two and a half weeks before they were supposed to celebrate their 6 year wedding anniversary.
Alec wasn't sure what he was supposed to do, he wasn't even 30 yet and he was a widower. Which, wouldn't have been particularly uncommon if he'd married another Shadowhunter, but he'd thought he'd have more time, he was promised more time.
The house feels empty without him, Jace had forced him to stay at the institute the first few nights, afraid he'd do something 'drastic' in Jace's words. While that was somewhat warranted of a fear for Jace to have, it didn't apply.
Magnus was a warlock, his soul would have been stolen by Edom the moment it left his body, even if Alec had wanted to do something drastic those first few nights, it wouldn't have helped, Alec's headed to the heavens.
Or at least that's what he'd been told, he doesn't know for sure, maybe the angels share the same opinion of homosexuality that the clave dose, so maybe he'll be reunited with Magnus after all.
He isn't sure, and unless he finds something concrete, he's not about to go rushing into things.
Besides, right now hes- he's just so tired.
He's been laying on the floor of their loft for the passed hour, Magnus's favorite coat in his arms, thinking.
Magnus's wake is tomorrow night, and Alec doesn't know how to handle it. it'll take place in the spiral labyrinth, only Alec as Magnus's husband and Jace as Alec's parabatai are allowed to enter, as Shadowhutners aren't usually welcome. So they've been planning a smaller ceremony afterwards at the institute, for everyone else to come.
He knows Simon will be coming to both, he knows that for sure, as will Caterina, Madzie and Rafael, but everybody else, Izzy, Luke, his mom, Maia, Meliorn and everybody else who's coming, is only coming to the second one.
He knows Lorenzo is only coming to the first ceremony as well as most of the Warlocks of New York.
He knew before that everybody loved Magnus, that his husband was a very, very important man who had helped a lot of people, but seeing it, seeing how many people were going out of their way to show u to say goodbye, it was just different. Everything was different now.
He'd been alone before Magnus had come into his life, Magnus had been his first everything, but this time, him being alone after the fact, after knowing what it felt like to be with someone, to be in love with someone, it hurts worse.
Like there's this gaping hole in his chest where his heart should be, like every time his heart beats someone grabs hold of it instead, like he's kneeling on a bed of barbed wire, it was like nothing he'd every felt before, it was reminiscent of how he'd felt when they'd lost Max, but it was different in so many ways.
Not better or worse in any way, just different.
Alec felt like his chest was being cracked open, like his ribs were being pried apart with a crowbar, like his heart was going to explode out of his chest.
He's scared that when tomorrow comes and goes, after the ceremony and the funeral afterwards that it'll feel real.
He doesn't want it to feel real, he doesn't want it to be real, he want's to just wake up from the worst nightmare he's ever had.
But he can't, because Magnus is gone and there's no waking up from that.
Alec cant think right now, laying on his side on the floor of the apartment he used to share with someone. Blinking hurts, so he's kept his eyes open, but they're starting to dry, and even though the sensation has become painful, Alec's just, not able to move.
It's like he's forgotten how to breath, how to blink, how to speak, like everything is nothing right now, and Alec's laying still on the floor.
Nothing feels real, nothing is worth anything because he's going to his husbands funeral tomorrow.
And the day after he has to go back to work.
Alec closes his eyes, he feels the tear that drips down the side of his face through his closed lid.
Blinking a few times he turns onto his back, looking up at the ceiling, scanning his eyes around the room, looking at all the things that belong to Magnus, all the things that show this spaces was supposed to be shared between two people.
He can't do it any more.
He closes his eyes, buries his face in the coat he's been gripping like a lifeline, inhales the smell of sandalwood and he tries to sleep, because maybe, just maybe, he might be able to dream of Magnus, because that's the only way he's ever going to be able to see him, and he's far from ready to deal with that.