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°°°
“Harry, love, come out of there,” Louis pleaded, sitting on the cold concrete floor of their hallway. They’d just recently moved in together and they hadn’t agreed on flooring yet. So, now he was cursing the cold surface he was sitting on for the last quarter of an hour, and he was cursing himself for being difficult in their decision-making. He should have agreed to Harry’s ideas. He knew he would anyway eventually. He’d do anything for Harry.
“No,” came a muffled sob from behind the bathroom door. “I don’t wanna.”
“You know you have to at some point, right, love?” Louis chuckled a bit sadly.
“Then I’m just going to die here from embarrassment. Problem solved.” The pout on Harry’s lips was clear even through closed doors, and despite the situation Louis couldn’t help but be endeared.
“Love…” Louis tried again, “there’s really nothing to be embarrassed about.”
“For me there is!” Harry protested a bit more forcefully, and Louis realised his mistake. Shit.
“I know, darling. And your feelings are valid. They really are.” He reached out to Harry. “But I’m not in your head, remember? Please talk to me, love. You know we can talk about everything, right?”
“And you won’t laugh at me?” Harry’s small voice came through the door, sounding so vulnerable, so hurt. What a rollercoaster of emotions he must have gone through by now.
“Of course not, darling,” Louis tried to reassure his love. “I would never laugh at you for that.”
“It’s not only that , Lou,” Harry whispered, just loud enough for Louis to hear.
“I won’t laugh at you about anything , love!” Louis clarified, and means it.
“Do you promise?” Harry made sure.
“Promise!” Louis tried to put all sincerity he could muster into his voice and he hoped the message would seep through the cracks under the door.
Apparently it worked, because shortly after the door cracked open and the tear stained face of Harry, who was also sitting on the floor, came into view. They quietly looked at each other, Louis trying a tentative smile that died on his lips as soon as the first sob broke free from Harry’s chest.
“Can I hold you, Haz?” Louis asked, desperately.
“I don’t— I don’t know if I want that…right now,” Harry sobbed.
“Then, what can I do for you, love?” Louis begged, not able to stand the view of his hurting boyfriend. He might not understand the exact reason right now, but he did know that he needed to help him feel better. It wasn’t a want, it was a deep rooted need to take care of his boy.
“Would you…” Harry swallowed. “Would you make me a cup of tea?” He looked pleadingly. “And then we can talk? Maybe?”
He looked so unsure of himself, that it hurt Louis’ heart. But he nodded, smiled reassuringly at Harry and got up to make his way to the kitchen, giving Harry a bit of space to collect himself.
°°°
Harry was so embarrassed. So embarrassed. Though maybe ‘embarrassed’ wasn’t the right word. He was lost. Surprised? Shocked? But mostly lost. And yes, also embarrassed.
Louis had said they could talk about everything. And yes, Harry knew that, but this was different.
Louis. Lovely lovely Louis. He had never had a boyfriend like Louis. So understanding, so accepting. And now Harry’s terrified he’d ruined it all.
“You know…I like you being vocal about what you like and don’t like. Don’t be embarrassed about the lovely sounds you make. To be quite honest, they actually make me happy.” Louis had sounded so tender and encouraging, that Harry had had to close his eyes. He had squeezed them shut, shook his head. He hadn’t been able to stand the love radiating from his boyfriend. He didn’t feel worthy.
That moan. That goddamn moan.
It’s not even the fact that it had happened in the first place, though that might be part of it. What bothers Harry the most is that he doesn’t understand it. That he felt like a fraud. Like a liar.
He had never felt like this. Never!
Of course, he had had partners before Louis. It’s not the first time Harry had sex. He had been intimate with his boyfriends before.
At the beginning of his dating life, he had often forced himself into intimacy. He had endured it, because he thought that was what it was supposed to be like. He had had orgasms at the hand of others, he had penetrative sex, mostly receiving though because he just couldn’t be bothered to bring up enough motivation to be the active part in any sexual encounter. He had been more comfortable with taking what his partners had been willing to give. But he couldn’t say he had ever really enjoyed it. Sometimes it had been less of a bother than other times, but that’s how far he would go.
That was until he had figured out that what he felt wasn’t “normal”...that’s what they had said. Though as time went on, he had just accepted that sex is nothing he needed or even wanted. Sexual intimacy wasn’t for Harry. Full stop. And that was okay. He felt comfortable in his skin, and the moment he started to communicate it clearly, he also felt more at ease in his relationships. Though his former relationships had mostly ended because his partners hadn’t been able to fully accept a life without sexual encounters with their partner. It had stung, of course, but it had also been a sign that Harry just hadn’t found his person yet.
And now, there was Louis. Who knew about everything, who was completely fine with the way their physical relationship was. Or rather how it had been. Because Harry didn’t know what it was now? What did it all mean? For him? For them?
The thing is, only a couple of hours before the evening had started out like any other evening. Or rather like any other date night. It had been wonderful. At home they had set up a bit of a romantic bath and they had got cuddly and close with each other, like it often happened — soaping each other up, letting hands roam, Louis washing Harry's hair as that was always Harry’s favourite. It was always so enjoyable and Louis loved doing that for him. Most of the times Louis got aroused, sometimes they did something about it together, sometimes he stayed a bit longer in the bath than Harry and took care of it himself. They took it day by day, depending on the mood and how comfortable Harry was with anything sexual at that moment. Sometimes he didn't mind giving Louis a hand, quite literally, and Louis always enjoyed that. But sometimes that was a bit too much and Louis didn't mind getting off by himself. Sometimes Harry still felt guilty about it, but Louis always claimed that had two healthy hands after all. And a quite impressive array of toys. He said he managed. And that it was all good. So Harry tried his utmost best to accept it as the truth. Though it wasn’t easy. He was always scared for the other shoe to drop. He just never had someone like Louis in his life before. But that was how it had been between them. Always.
What never ever happened before though, was Harry getting aroused as well. Well, he had had physical reactions to touch before. He had woken with morning wood he had taken care of. His body had basic physical needs as well, though not often. What was absolutely new, and terrifying, was that he had enjoyed it. Wanted it even. It had felt good in a way Harry never experienced before and then…that godawful moan escaped his throat completely involuntarily. Harry had been frozen, Louis had stopped in what he was doing, and then dread had settled in Harry’s every fibre. And he had fled the scene. Meaning, jumped out of the bath, wrapped himself in a towel, and ran into their bedroom. But when Louis followed him stark naked and still wet and obviously aroused, Harry couldn’t stand it. Couldn’t stand his own reaction to the sight of Louis, that warmth and tingling all through his body, which had nothing to do with the usual affection whatsoever. He had to get out, get away. He had to hide. And the only place he could think of was back to the bathroom — the only room with a lock.
Sweet, patient, lovely Louis had managed to coax him out of it after ages of reassuring him through the door. But now…now they were sitting face to face with each other and Harry didn’t know how to cope. He was, in fact, embarrassed.
And that’s what he tells Louis the moment they finally sat down, cuddled in blankets, a cup of tea each, and just enough space that they were close but not touching. By that time, it was almost one in the morning.
Louis reached out to push one unruly curl behind Harry's ear, caressing his cheek on his way. Harry loves this man so damn much and seeing him so concerned and probably also hurt, because of him, broke Harry’s heart.
“Wanna tell me, why it’s bothering you so much, love?” he says carefully.
Harry huffs a little, looking down at his hands holding his mug. “You've been there, haven't you?”
“I was, yeah. But is it the fact that it happened or…” he left the ending open for Harry to fill in, but Harry kept quietly fiddling with his tea mug.
“No, that’s not…that’s not the only reason, but…” Harry paused, trying to gather his thoughts. They were all over the place. “I feel I don’t know myself right now. I don't understand it. I think I need some time.”
“Take all the time you need, love. Just know, I love you, no matter what! And please…please please please let me know if I can help you in any way.”
“That’s lovely, Lou,” and for the first time since it happened Harry could give Louis a genuine smile, “but I think this one I have to figure out myself.”
°°°
Over the next few weeks, it was hard for Louis to watch Harry being so torn over something so insignificant in Louis’ eyes. He got it, to some point. But for him it really was a minor occurrence, something to work with, like they always did. What wasn’t insignificant or minor though, was how much it seemed to impact Harry. He wanted to help him so badly, but he didn’t know how. And Harry didn’t give him any pointers either, determined to deal with it all by himself.
So, Louis started to do some research. He wanted to understand, why it was such a big deal for Harry. He knew Harry identified as asexual. They’d talked about it very early on, and Louis was fine with everything Harry told him. For him, it wasn’t a hardship, as consent and accepting boundaries were some of the most important things in any relationship for Louis anyway. And he was just so extremely drawn to that radiant boy, that person Harry was, that for him there was never a question that he’d do anything to make a relationship between them work. Of course, it was all new to him, but he had lived by the principle to take it day by day, always by what Harry was explaining or telling him. He had never felt the need to look anything up on the internet, as he loved his boy the way he was. For Louis there was no need for any label — Harry was who he was, perfect in Louis’ eyes, and that had always been enough for Louis.
Now though, Harry seemed shaken to the core, and it’s the first time Louis didn’t really understand what was going on. And Harry couldn’t tell him either. So, he needed to consult the internet, as he didn’t feel comfortable discussing Harry’s struggles with any of their friends. This was Harry’s, and unless he was comfortable with it — which he clearly was not — this was no-one’s concern but his and Harry’s.
First thing he did was look up asexuality to understand where Harry was coming from. And he was immediately blown away by the amount of varying information. One thing he got from it after no time was that the term wasn’t set in stone. There was so much more to it than just ‘not wanting to have sex’ — which he kinda knew from Harry of course — but there were even different forms and terms and flags and whatnot. Christ, this was a lot. After reading for a while his head whirled with all the new information, and he slowly thought he started to understand the maze Harry was lost in. Maybe he could take his hand and they could make their way out of it together?
Though when he brought the topic up at dinner he had to discover that Harry was fighting completely different demons.
“It’s not about the label alone, Lou,” Harry said. “Of course, I’d love to have a label that fits me, but it’s more that I feel like I don’t know myself anymore. Like, everything I thought I knew about myself, everything that I figured out the hard way all those years ago, suddenly isn’t true anymore. You know?” He looked expectantly at Louis.
“Yeah…I guess?” Louis answered hesitantly. Because, he tried to understand and he kinda got it, but he would never experience it on Harry’s level, right?
“Also, I feel like a fraud somehow. Right now, I feel like a kind of imposter-asexual, you understand?” Harry continued, laughing ruefully, not giving Louis any time to answer. Apparently the dam was broken and he finally opened up to Louis, which Louis was more than happy about. “I feel like I don't ‘deserve’ that label anymore.” He mimicked the air quotes condescendingly, and it broke Louis’ heart to see his love so self-deprecating. He didn’t deserve to feel like that. He deserved the world to love him, including himself.
“I just thought…” Louis started, cautiously, because he really didn’t know what he was doing here. But he needed to try. “Maybe it’s like…kinda…you know how I don’t like avocados? I really detest them. With the exception that I like them as guacamole, right? Maybe that’s the same for you and sex? Like this was some kind of exception?”
“Only that my sexuality isn’t an avocado, Lou.” Harry chuckled sadly, but sent Louis a small smile that looked grateful for trying anyway.
“No, of course not, that’s not what I meant, but—”
“Yeah, no, I know what you meant,” Harry interrupted, “but for me it’s bigger than just that. You know…” He took a deep breath, swallowed. “I feel like liar. As if I lied to you. To my previous partners. To myself. Like…was it always there and I just didn’t do my best? Could it always have been like that and it’s somehow my fault? You know? This asexuality thing has ruined so much more me—”
“It didn’t ruin us.” Louis clarified, and Harry smiled at him, a mix of gratitude and sadness in his eyes.
“I know, that’s part of what I’m scared of though. Because what if it’s suddenly not true. You’ve been so accepting of everything, you’ve sacrificed so much—”
“I didn’t sacrifice anything, love!” Louis said insistently. “Nothing!”
“You keep saying that.” Harry whispered.
“Because I mean it,” Louis emphasised.
“Okay.” Harry smiled at him, warmly and sincere for the first time. “But wouldn’t you feel betrayed if everything I insisted on suddenly isn’t true anymore?” Harry tilted his head, expectantly, waiting for Louis' reaction.
Louis had to take a moment, thinking about it in earnest. Because…would he? But his answer was pretty clear pretty quickly. “No.” He said determinedly. “Because it’s not as if you’ve lied about having another partner, or having sex with someone else just not me. It’s something that seemed to have changed in your preferences, your boundaries. And that’s okay. We all change and have to adjust to new insights, new experiences that form us. We can work with that, talk it through, make it work. For me, it’s okay. No big deal actually, though I know it is for you.”
Harry had tears in his eyes when Louis finished his little speech. “I don’t deserve you,” he whispered.
“You deserve the world, love,” Louis said back warmly. “Can I give you a hug? Would that be okay?” He asked tentatively.
“More than okay. I need it, too,” Harry sighed.
With that they both shifted on the couch until they could hold each other in a tight hug, Harry’s head resting on Louis' chest. Louis pressed a gentle kiss into Harry’s curls. “We’ll get through this,” Louis reassured Harry, and for the first time in weeks Harry seemed to relax.
°°°
“Lou?”
They lay cuddled together on the couch, watching one of their comfort series, when Harry turned in Louis' arms and looked up to him. He still felt confused about everything, but somehow brooding about it all by himself hadn't brought him any further.
“Yes, love?” Louis said, immediately taking his eyes from the screen and giving Harry his full attention.
“It’s just…do you think it’s lying if you don’t know the full truth yet?” Harry asks in his signature slow drawl, that just didn’t want to come out any quicker when he was in his head so much.
Louis stayed quiet for a while, just observing Harry, and Harry knew he was taking in every micro-expression on his face. “What’s this about, darling?” He then asked quietly, a bit guarded, and Harry realised that question without context might have been a bit worrying.
He rushed to clarify, “No, it’s nothing about you. Or us. Or..I don’t know. Maybe?”
“Haz, you’re worrying me a bit here. Just spit it out, okay?” Louis’ chuckle was a bit higher in pitch than usual, betraying his nerves.
“What I mean is…I told everyone, my exes, my friends…you,” the last one came out in almost a whisper, “that I’m ace. But now…now that seems to be all wrong and I feel like I lied to everyone?” Harry scanned Louis’ face for a reaction, but didn’t find anything that would give a clue about Louis’ thoughts. It drove him crazy. “So, did I? Lie, I mean? Did I lie to you all? Did I prove everyone who said it right and it was just a phase after all?”
Louis’ first answer was to wrap his arms around Harry and pull him into a tight hug. Then he sighed, pressed a kiss to Harry’s curls, and said, “Oh Haz, I should have known it’s still bothering you. How long are you carrying this around with you already? Ever since that night?”
“Yeah, well…” Harry winced slightly.
“First of all — you can talk to me, love. You don’t have to deal with it alone. I’m here for you. Always.” Louis said with intent, squeezed Harry a bit tighter to get his point across.
“Thank you, Lou. I know, but…” Harry sighed.
“I get it, love. Don’t worry. Just know that you can tell me everything. Okay?” Louis leaned over a tad to be able to look Harry into the eyes until Harry gave him a tentative nod. It wasn’t that easy to share his thoughts. But then Louis leaned back again, rubbed a comforting hand over Harry’s back, and Harry relaxed into him. “And secondly—” Louis continued speaking, much softer this time, “it’s not lying if you just communicated your needs and boundaries. It’s not as if anyone is obligated to anything from you. You share what you want to share, and at that time, that was your truth. You told everyone what you felt like, and that’s valid.”
Harry might have been on the brink of crying, but he swallowed his tears down. But Louis wasn’t done.
“Haz, people change. We all change. I’m not the same person as I was five years ago either. It might not be the same as for you, but do you think I lied when I told everyone at uni that I didn’t think I’d ever meet a guy I’d settle down with?”
“A bit…” Harry chuckled, trying to chase the overwhelming emotions away. “Because you always give yourself far too little credit. They’re queuing outside the flat to be with you…” Harry giggled, but actually meant it. He didn’t know what he’d done in a previous life to deserve Louis Tomlinson at his side.
“Oi, you!” Louis poked Harry’s side. “Making fun of me?” he laughed.
“Never!” Harry laughed with him, trying to squirm away from the tickling fingers. “But, no, I don’t think you lied, because at that time you probably believed that. And I’m grateful that you seem to have changed your mind for me.”
Suddenly, the atmosphere in the room got much heavier, calmer.
“I really did.” swallowing heavily, Louis leaned down to press a tender kiss onto Harry’s lips, and Harry cherished the sensation of the soft touch. “You’ve turned my life upside down, Mister Styles. In the best of ways.” The smile he gave Harry was one of Harry’s favourites — the one that made the corners of his eyes crinkle. “I’d never want to go back again to what it was before I knew you.”
This time, Harry couldn’t hold back the tears welling up in his eyes, but Louis only pecked his nose and exclaimed, “Don’t you get sentimental on me, Curly, otherwise I’ll start crying, too, and we can’t have that.”
Harry laughed through his tears.
“Go back to watching that show! It’s very important!” Louis tried to sound stern, but failed miserably.
“Yeah…because we haven’t seen it a million times already…”
“Exactly! Brand new…” Louis kissed him again.
And just like that, Harry felt part of the heavy cloud above his head being melted away by Louis’ sunshine.
°°°
Over time, Louis felt as if there was a wall building between them that he didn’t know how to tear down. It seemed as if the thin layer of clothes Harry started wearing to bed didn’t just separate them physically, but as if they were just as much an emotional barrier between them. And that’s why Louis hated them.
Ever since that night Harry became more and more distant, and Louis almost wished they could just go back in time before it happened. Just be them again, like they’ve always been. They’ve been good together, they worked. Why did it need to change?
On the other hand he couldn’t deny that he was intrigued by this new development, by the possibilities it might hold. He had no problem with Harry being asexual, anything but. That’s just the way Harry was, and he loved him. However, Louis wasn’t asexual. He had desires. And it would be a lie if he said he wouldn’t enjoy sharing that pleasure with the person he loved. But only if said person enjoyed it too. Now that possibility seemed to be in reach though… yeah, he couldn’t help it.
All that didn’t mean, he’d push Harry in any way. What was hard to watch though, was Harry closing off. They’d never been so quiet around each other. And the way Harry retreated into his shell Louis couldn’t help but wonder if it was his fault.
That’s why one quiet evening over dinner, with Harry poking his food listlessly with his fork across from him at their dinner table, Louis gathered all his courage and started the conversation that was long overdue.
“Haz?” He asked into the silence.
Harry startled out of wherever he had wandered off to in his mind. “Yeah?”
“Did I do something wrong? It feels like you’re avoiding me.” Louis' heart was racing because he had no idea how to handle Harry confirming his biggest fear.
“No,” Harry said with a sigh. “No, you didn’t.”
“Then why won’t you talk to me, love?”
“This is not about you, Louis!”
“Well, it is a bit, isn’t it? It’s about us, so it's automatically a bit about me as well, don't you think?” Louis cocked his head to one side, trying to understand.
“Yeah, you're right. That's true…generally speaking. But—” Wincing, Harry seemed to struggle with his next words.
“But…?” Louis prompted him.
“You're not the problem. It's me.” Harry said almost apologetically.
“Are you breaking up with me?” A hollow laugh left Louis lips, the attempt at a joke falling flat.
“Not funny, Lou!” Harry scowled.
“No, not funny, you're right,” Louis swallowed. “But…” he hesitated, wary of Harry's response.
“Of course not!” Harry huffed, as if that was the most far fetched thought ever, and the vice around Louis' heart loosened a bit.
“What is it then? Because to be honest, I'm a bit lost lately.” Louis tried to smile, but it only ended in a sad little crooked thing.
“As am I,” Harry sighed. “You know…” he swallowed, nodded as if agreeing to some kind of inner monologue, “it's all just so new to me and I don't know what to do with it, or how to feel about it. And quite frankly, I'm fucking scared.”
“But…” Louis frowned, “it's something good, right?”
Harry shifted where he sat, angling his body slightly away from Louis and it hurt more than Louis wanted to admit. As did Harry's next words. “I don't know yet, if I find it good or not.” Harry stared at his hands as if they would hold any answers.
“You didn't like it then? Which is completely okay by the way,” Louis buried to add.
“I know it's okay!” Harry snapped, much sharper than Louis would have expected, but he finished himself and immediately backtracked. “Sorry. Sorry, I didn't mean to…” he sighed. “I know it's okay, alrighty? And the problem is, I did like it.” He held a hand up to stop Louis from interrupting. “The thing is…if I liked it, it's probably going to happen again, right? And I don't know how to handle that. It freaks me out. I don't know what to do with it. It feels like losing control over my body. My body just…does it, if you know what I mean?”
Harry looked expectantly at Louis, but for once Louis didn't know how to react. It was so vastly different from his own experiences with that feeling, with being aroused. He enjoyed it, pretty much even. And he always did. Yes, it was true, sometimes the body just took over, but for Louis it was never unwelcome.
“Sooooo…you don't want it to happen?” He asked hesitantly.
“I don't know,” Harry whined and ran a trembling Hand through his curls.
“Is that why you're wearing clothes to bed now? To prevent it from happening again?” Louis whispered, afraid of saying the wrong thing. But Harry's hesitant nod let him breathe more freely again. “Okay, I can live with that.” He exhales.
“And otherwise you couldn't?” One eyebrow raised, Harry looked at him expectantly.
“Of course I could, but now I don't worry about it that much. I know the reason.” He explains calmly
Pulling a face, Harry slumps forward slightly. “Shit, I hate worrying you, Lou.” Sheepishly he looked at Louis from under his lashes. Quietly he added, “I'm sorry.”
“Don't be sorry, love,” Louis says, tugging a start curl behind Harry's ear. “I just want to understand, you know? I can do you and your situation right now more justice if I know what's going on.”
“I know. I'm still sorry.” Harry threw him a small smile. “I don't want you to feel bad just because I can't seem to sort my shit.”
“First of all, it's not shit you're dealing with. And second, tough luck, I'll always be worried about you if you aren't happy. No chance. You'll be stuck with that.” Louis shrugged, putting an end to that discussion. “And now, you should eat a bit, otherwise I'll worry about that too.” He winked at Harry and demonstratively shoved a forkful of mash into his mouth. When he pulled a face because their food was long gone cold, Harry barked out a laugh that made Louis' heart soar. He had missed that laugh. He had missed his Harry.
He put his fork down. “Pizza?” He asked with a smirk.
“Pizza!” Harry laughed.
°°°
A few days later, hesitating and lingering in the doorway, Harry watched the bundle of blankets that vaguely resembled his boyfriend twisting and turning on their bed. Louis was restless lately, Harry knew that, but seeing him struggle even in the quiet moments alone made his heart sting.
He slowly approached and crawled under the covers, Louis now with his back to him and suddenly unmoving. It stung even more that Louis would choose to face away from him rather than turning around just one more time.
Harry shuffled closer, pressing himself against Louis back, being the big spoon for once. When Louis stiffened in his arms, a knot formed in Harry's throat and he felt close to crying. There was the urge to pull away again, but he forced himself to stay put. Instead, he pressed a little kiss on Louis' shoulder and murmured, “Hey, babe.” Finally, Louis relaxed a bit into Harry's embrace, even snuggled closer a bit.
They lay there in the dark for a while, quiet, just breathing together, until Harry felt they were in sync again, as they used to be. As they ought to be.
“I'm worried,” he whispered.
It took a moment, and Harry already wondered if Louis had even heard him, but then Louis wiggled in his arms and Harry felt a pang of fear that Louis would get up and leave. But Louis just turned, facing Harry and letting his eyes roam over his features.
“I know,” he said quietly. “You told me. Is it still bothering you?”
“No,” Harry hurried to say, “it's not that. Or, not only that.” He trailed off, not sure how to continue.
“What is it then?” Louis asked. Did Harry only imagine that hint of exasperation in his voice?
“I'm worried that… You know, lately I feel like I really might want that with you. Sex, I mean.”
A surprised spark flickered in Louis' eyes but Harry could see that he was holding it back, answering completely composed, “And that's what you're worried about?”
Harry swallowed, not completely sure how to explain. “Yes and no? Not about the thing itself. I made my peace with that. I'm pretty sure, after thinking about it a lot, I might be demisexual. But the label is not that important to me. It's more like—”
“Come on, babe,” Louis smiled, pushing a curl behind Harry's ear, “you know you can talk to me.”
That was true, Louis always listened, even if he didn't always have an answer. But how could he, when even Harry didn't understand himself.
Harry took a deep breath. “It's more like, I'm worried that…if I give in to it, and if we would like it, I'm worried you might expect it more often. Like, regularly because it was good, you know? But what if I don't want it, what if it was a one-off. I don't know how I will react. Maybe I want it more often, but maybe I don't. And what if you want it and I don't and then it will get awkward…”
“Harry. Babe!” Louis interrupted him. “Slow down, love.” He cupped Harry's cheek to get his attention.
Harry inhaled sharply, not even having been aware that he had run out of breath.
Louis smiled at him, genuinely but with a strange sad shadow over his eyes. “Thank you for telling me,” he said. “But…can I be honest?”
“Of course,” Harry said, but his anxiety flared up.
“Your feelings are absolutely valid, but I have to admit…it hurts a bit. Do you not trust me?”
“Of course I do!” Harry exclaimed, almost offended.
“Do you, though?” Louis frowned. “Because, if you do…why would you think I would expect anything of you that you don't want? Do you not know me at all by now?”
“That's not…” Harry started but didn't come far.
“But that's exactly it, Harry. I understand that you might feel this way. But for me it's… Of course, I would enjoy sharing that intimacy with you. I'm not gonna lie. But if you only want it once and never again, then I'll be happy with it. Even if you decide to never want it after all, I'm just as happy. We were happy before all this happened, weren't we?” He looked with such a worried and expectant gaze at Harry, that it almost hurt.
“Of course we were,” Harry said softly, leaning forward, pressing a tender kiss to Louis' lips. Louis sighed into the kiss and suddenly Harry knew they'd be alright. They're on the same page.
“Then,” Louis said after they parted, “why can't we go back to how we were,” and when Harry started to protest he pressed one finger to Harry's lips to shush him. “I mean, ” he emphasizes with a stern look, “that we go back to taking it day by day, as we always did. If you want something more than just cuddles, then we go with the flow and you just let me know what you want and if you want, just as always. Yeah?”
“But isn't that unfair? That it all depends on what I want and don't want?” Harry frowned.
“Darling,” Louis smiled, “what if you want something and I don't? Would you force me into it?” He chuckled, the mere idea apparently so absurd that it amused him.
“Of course not!” Harry said, affronted. How could Louis laugh about that?
“See,” Louis said softly. “It goes both ways, yeah? We both have wants and needs and boundaries. They might be different, but they're there and we both do our best to respect those boundaries. That's part of why we work so well together. It's important to us, right?”
Harry only nodded. How did he deserve Louis Tomlinson?
“Right,” Louis said. “And it doesn't matter what those boundary are. If you want something. Great. If I want it too, everything's fine. And if you don't want it, then you don't. I don't want anything if you don't want it. If it makes you unhappy, I don't want it. Not ever! There are no expectations. Got it?” He looked deep into Harry's eyes.
“Yeah, got it,” Harry whispered, voice thick.
“And now come here and give me a cuddle. If you want it,” Louis winked.
Harry could do nothing but throw himself into his boyfriend's arms, holding him tight. As tight as possible without suffocating him. And Louis held him just as close.
They stayed like that for a long while, not speaking, just soaking in the warmth and closeness, body and mind. Until they drifted off to sleep, still all tangled limbs and soothed souls.
°°°
It took some time, in which things slowly calmed down and they were back to their former selves, before anything happened again. And it came unexpectedly for both of them.
After a long stretch of not cuddling at all, then only cuddling on the couch, Louis starting to wear shirt and boxers to bed just to reassure Harry, and only a peck on the lips as a goodnight kiss, one night Harry suddenly cuddled closer to Louis in bed and pushed his hands underneath his t-shirt. “I miss the warmth of your skin,” he said, looking at Louis with his big doe eyes.
“Want me to take the shirt off?” Louis asked, hesitantly, cautious not to overstep any boundaries. He also didn’t want to assume anything. From what he learned the last few weeks, that’d be the worst thing he could do.
“Yes, please,” Harry whispered, an uncertainty in his eyes that made Louis’ chest ache. That was something he never wanted to see in his partner’s eyes. He wanted his partner to feel safe, confident, self-assured. But he also understood where the uncertainty was coming from, so he tried not to feel hurt. This wasn’t about him.
“Okay. I’ll do that if you want to, but only if you’re sure. You tell me what you want, yeah?” Louis looked deep into Harry’s eyes to bring his message across — he’d do anything Harry asked, but on Harry's terms.
“I’m sure,” Harry nodded. “As you said, no expectations, right?” Harry was still looking for reassurance then, and that was alright.
“No expectations whatsoever!” Louis confirmed with intent.
“Good,” Harry grinned. “Then take your damn shirt off already…” He tugged at the hem of Louis' shirt, and Louis hurried to pull it over his head.
When Louis untangled himself from his shirt and emerged from it again, he was surprised to find Harry had also gotten rid of his shirt in the meantime and was sitting in front of him in only his boxers. It was a rare sight lately, so Louis let his gaze roam over Harry’s body unashamedly. He was mesmerised by Harry’s beauty and strength, body and mind. Harry was the whole package and Louis loved him endlessly.
The moment they cuddled together under the sheets again and skin met skin, they both let out a deep sigh of content. They chuckled at the joint sigh, but only moved closer, entangling their limbs to press as close together as possible.
“I missed this,” Louis admitted. “And I’d never expect it, you know that,” he clarified. “But I can’t deny that I enjoy having you close, feeling your warmth, holding you in my arms. That’s what I need sometimes. As long as you want it too, of course.”
“I know that,” Harry’s voice was small and timid, “and I’m sorry for withholding that from you.”
Louis pulled back, so he was able to look at Harry, who averted his eyes. Louis put a finger under his chin to raise his face, so he was able to look him in the eyes. “Hey,” he said with a frown, “none of that! As I said, I’d never want it if it’d make you feel uncomfortable. I wouldn’t enjoy it either then. I don’t want that! What I do like is when we share that. When you enjoy it, I can enjoy it. To have this together, that’s what makes it good.” He studied Harry’s features to gather if the message came across. “Okay?” He asked to be entirely sure.
Harry nodded with a small but genuine smile. “Okay,” he whispered, but his voice was much more confident now.
With that they went back to cuddling, talking in hushed voices about everything and nothing. Harry’s head was nestled on Louis’ chest, Louis’ arm wrapped around Harry’s shoulder to hold him close. Louis let his fingers trace lines over Harry’s naked skin, let his hands roam over his arm and shoulder, over his back and neck, raking his fingers through his curls… he tried to soak in every inch of Harry he could reach.
After playing with Harry’s curls for a while, Louis noticed Harry getting quieter, being stiller in his arms. He let his fingers slide over Harry’s neck down his spine, and under his fingertips he could feel goosebumps spread all over Harry’s skin. The shaky breath Harry let out made Louis’ heart race and he hesitated for a moment, unsure of what to do. Surely Harry would notice his increased heartbeat? He was lying right on top of it after all. Louis' own breath faltered a bit at the building tension between them. Was it the good kind of tension or would Harry bolt any minute now. Louis didn’t want him to feel like he had to run.
“You okay, Haz?” He whispered into Harry’s curls.
* There was no answer. At least no spoken one. Because the next moment Harry exhaled shakily and hesitantly tilted his hips forward, pushing his half hard erection against Louis’ thigh.
Louis swallowed. “Is that alright, love?” He asked again, because he needed words. He didn’t want to assume.
“Yes,” Harry whispered under his breath. “I think so…”
Louis shuffled down to lie on his side, to be able to face Harry. He cupped Harry’s cheek in his palm and studied his face. “You gotta tell me if you change your mind, okay?” Louis whispered back, trying not to disturb the fragile moment. “At any point, always, you tell me, okay?”
“Yes, Lou,” Harry smiled and nuzzled his face into Louis’ palm. “I will. I promise.”
“Good,” Louis said, relieved. He leaned forward, pressed a tender kiss onto Harry’s lips. After they parted, Louis’ gaze lingered a bit on Harry’s face, studying him. “Tell me what you want, love,” he murmured into the small space between them. “I don’t want to overstep—” but he was interrupted by another soft kiss.
“For now,” Harry said, “just kiss me.”
And that Louis did. The kiss started out as tender and loving as always, but soon there was an underlying urgency that Louis had never experienced before with Harry. He let Harry take over, let him go at his own pace, but followed along happily as Harry deepened the kiss and little sighs escaped between his eager lips.
When they parted to get air, Louis studied Harry’s face to look for any trace of discomfort but only found a new kind of longing in the green eyes looking back at him.
“Fuck,” Harry exhaled, a bit short of breath. “I want this. I really do.”
Louis tried to reign in the grin that spread on his lips but it broke through anyway. “You sure, babe?” He asked, not wanting to risk any misunderstandings.
“I’m sure,” Harry nodded, and immediately emerged them in the next kiss.
Only when a little moan slipped from Harry’s mouth and he pushed closer to grind his hardening cock against Louis’ thigh, was Louis able to let go. Still very much aware of every touch, every move, every next step, he was now sure they were in this together.
“What do you want, love?” He whispered in Harry’s ear when they eventually broke their kiss.
“I don’t know…” Harry almost whined. “I know I want this. I want more, but I don’t— Lou, can you…can you please take over. I don’t know…”
“Shhh, babe. It’s alright,” Louis murmured. “I got you. I’ll take care of you.”
At that Harry relaxed and melted into Louis arms. This kind of trust almost made Louis dizzy, the level of responsibility making him swallow hard.
“But you need to promise me something, okay?” He said in the same soft voice. He waited for Harry’s nod, to be sure he had heard. “You got to tell me, if there’s anything you don’t like. If you're uncomfortable. Or if you want to stop altogether. Alright?” Harry nodded again, but it wasn’t enough for Louis. He needed to hear it, see it. He pulled a bit back from their embrace to look Harry into the eyes. “Promise me,” He said with intent, “at any point, no matter what, no matter when, we can stop, okay?”
Harry looked back at him with big trusting eyes, still a fire lingering in the back that made Louis fidgety and longing. “I promise,” He whispered earnestly. “I’ll tell you. I trust you though.”
“I’m glad, love,” Louis pressed a kiss on Harry’s forehead. “But still, I can’t read your mind.”
“I know…” Harry said, then smirked. “And now get on with it, Tomlinson. I haven’t waited this long, only for you to dilly-dally on me now.”
“Dilly-dally?” Louis chuckled.
“Yeah…dilly-dally…now come here…” Harry pulled Louis back in for a kiss, burying his fingers in the short strands of hair at the nape of Louis’ neck, sending shivers all over Louis’ body. He moaned against Harry’s lips which only seemed to spur him on even more.
Louis let his hands roam over Harry’s body, getting more and more confident that this was really what Harry wanted. He traced lines over curves and plains of soft skin, revelling in the sensation underneath his fingertips. When they both were breathless, pressed together impossibly close, limbs tangled, and unmistakably hard against each other, Louis swallowed, and asked quietly into the small space between them, “Can I touch you? Do you want that?”
“Yes, please!” Harry answered, nodding eagerly. “Yes, please do:”
“Okay,” Louis whispered, nervous despite it most definitely not being the first time he touched a partner. Well, not even the first time he touched Harry, but this was different. This moment was fragile and delicate. But as soon as he palmed Harry through his boxers, Harry's eyes rolled into the back of his head and he closed them in bliss. Reassured to have done the right thing, Louis' touches grew in confidence and he rubbed Harry on top of his boxers until he was panting. It didn't take long until Harry got rid of his boxers, fiddled with Louis’ as well until Louis pulled them down, and they were naked together, for the first time in a long time.
For a moment they just looked at each other, scanning their bodies like it's the first time they saw each other, and at the same time revelling in the familiar sight. In sync they moved closer, until they were flush against each other, chest to chest, belly to belly, cocks lining up together, the friction making them both gasp.
The decision was made in an instant. Louis reached behind himself to grab the lube, slicked up his right hand, and with a last reassuring glance at Harry he took them both in one hand and started to stroke. Slow and deliberate at first, but quickly growing faster, the grip tighter. Harry groaned, pressed his forehead against Louis', both of them looking down at where their erections were pressed together. It was a sight that almost propelled Louis over the edge.
When Harry suddenly reached between them and put his hand over Louis' to stroke them both together, Louis looked up in surprise, met by Harry's hooded eyes, pupils blown wide by want and it took everything in Louis not to come on the spot. He lunged forward and pressed messy kisses on Harry's lips, until their heavy breathing made it impossible to coordinate any kissing anymore.
“Lou, I… I'm gonna …” Harry whined, it sounded almost pained, and Louis understood. It must be overwhelming for him.
“I got you, love,” he planted. “Let go, I've got you.”
Louis watched as Harry's eyes closed, his mouth went slack and he threw his head back as Louis felt his hot release spurt over his hand. He was beautiful in his passion and Louis would be forever grateful that he was allowed to witness it.
Harry's tightening grip when his body shuddered through the aftershocks of his orgasm finally pushed Louis over the edge as well. He held onto Harry tight, his lips pressed firmly against Harry's shoulder, while a deep groan left his chest. He felt everything at once — satisfaction, release, deep affection, connection and love. So much love. He felt full to the brim, ready to burst.
“I love you,” he panted. “I love you so much.”
“I love you too,” murmured Harry into his hair.
They both let go of their cocks, chuckling at the mess they made. Louis grabbed some tissues from his nightstand to clean them up for now.
* When they were all sorted and cuddled together, Louis hesitantly asked, “Was it—”
“If you ask me now if it was as good for me as it was for you, I might divorce you!” Harry chuckled.
“You gotta marry me first.” Louis joked.
“I just might,” Harry chuckled. And it was obviously only a bit of banter, but Louis' heart soared in his chest at the mere mention of this being a possibility. God, he wanted that. Eventually. With Harry.
“I wouldn't object,” Louis whispered, and Harry squeezed him a bit tighter in his arms. “But what I actually wanted to ask was…was it okay? For you? Do you feel alright?”
“Don't you trust me, Tomlinson?” Harry growled in a mock stern voice, only to then press a kiss into Louis' hair. “Of course I'm alright. More than alright actually. I would have told you if it were any different. You gotta trust me too, you know?” He added a bit more seriously.
“Okay, I'm glad then. And I promise I'll trust you.” Louis tilted his head up to steal a kiss from Harry. “And for the record, I'm more than alright as well “ He grinned broadly.
“That's good,” Harry smiled softly at him. “I love you, Lou. So incredibly much.”
“That's convenient, because I love you too.” Louis smirked.
And that was that. It just happened. And they didn't need to talk any longer about it. They took a shower together, cuddled up in bed, slept peacefully and woke up happy and in love.
°°°
After that, not much changed. Except everything did. Because there was a new trust and certainty between them. And not because they had sex — which they did, occasionally, not regularly, only when the mood struck — but because they had overcome this, together. They've found out that this didn't affect them, didn't change them, but that it made them grow. Together and individually. They've mastered their first real crisis and came out stronger on the other end. Louis fell in love even deeper with his wonderful boyfriend, and Harry got to know himself even better than he thought was possible. He discovered that change is okay, at every moment in life. Change just happens, no way to stop it. And you better make the best of it. Even better, if you have someone like Louis on your side. If not for Louis, Harry wasn't sure this change would have happened at all. Not now. Maybe not ever. Louis was special. Louis was different.
Louis was Harry's guacamole after all.