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Chapter Text

When coming back from the land of the beasts, brandishing new power and a new companion , Pure Vanilla cookie thought he could convince his people that his other half was deemed harmless with the agreement of a sort of rehabilitation. 

Unfortunately, nobody seemed to trust the lying jester, for obvious reasons. Shadow Milk cookie seemed to bask in fear others had for him but Pure Vanilla cookie seemed a bit…worried.

The Ancient hero led his companion through the halls of the castle in which they now share together, leading him into a room dimmed by the setting of the sun but still enchanted with a soft light that welcomed his counterpart with warmth, a warmth that the Beast of Deceit probably hadn’t felt in thousands of years.

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“Shadow Milk cookie,” His voice rang out within the room he resided in now, gentle with its usual smooth sweetness as he spoke his other half’s name. “Are you..alright?” The jester looks over at the old king, a look of amusement written on his face.

“ Alright? ” He repeated mockingly. He turned to face the old king fully as his eyes looked him up and down with a sense of mischief. 

“I have never been better!” Utter joy rang from his voice. “Did you see their faces? Oh such fear, it’s so refreshing to see!”

 He exclaims with a sinister joy, bathing in his new environment, thriving in the fear of new faces. A smirk seemed to grow on his face, imagining the ways he could bring out the true look of terror from them.

And yet, he insisted as he took soft steps towards him, a firm but quite gentle hand grasping his shoulder as they faced each other. His worry didn’t seem to waver, giving him a look that made him swipe his hand away from his shoulder, his touch slowly withdrawing from the rejection.

“Oh don’t give me that pitying look, Nilly. Save the speech, I can just feel your worries brewing already. You’re such a drag sometimes, honestly.” 

He rolls his eyes as he turns his back from the old king, taking a few steps away to create distance between him and his soul’s counterpart.

A silence settles between the two for a moment, he wants to reach out for him but seems to respect the space created.

“I wasn’t going to say anything bad, I can assure you that,” He takes a seat on the bed, the mattress sinking a bit under his weight. “I see that you thrive on this fear from my people.” He murmurs, his hands resting in his lap as his staff leans on the bed, truly letting his guard down in front of his corrupt counterpart.

“Not the best start I guess,” He sighs. “But I suppose…a crooked step forward is better than a step back, isn’t it?” His tone lifts a bit, finding optimism despite his initial worries.

“Are you doubting me? The great Beast of Deceit? The former Fount of Knowledge?” He gasps, feigning the offense he took from Pure Vanilla’s words as he dramatically falls onto the bed with a hand draped over his head.  “Oh I am just so hurt! You see me so lowly.”

 “Wha- I don’t-” Pure Vanilla began, but as quickly as his words came, he was swiftly cut off.

“Take a joke.” Shadow Milk groans as his eyes peek from beneath his arm. 

“Jeez, such a tough crowd to please! Entrapment in the Silver Tree must’ve really left me rusty.” He mutters mostly to himself.

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Pure Vanilla was promptly ushered out of his room, the Beast insisting for his privacy in which the old king respected of course as he wished the jester a goodnight before he headed off into his own quarters.

His castle was always blanketed in warmth that seemed to hug whoever came around within its walls. It was like a signature to his style, it fit just right with the old king. However, that didn’t seem to be the case for Shadow Milk. He had only known the cold touch of imprisonment in that Silver Tree, encased and boiling in his own hatred until the seal finally broke and he was free.

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He sat upon his bed, soaking in his new environment as his gaze took in the details of the room. It was boring, just like that old fool, though it was an improvement from the Silver Tree, warm velvet disguising the subtle truth of entrapping him once more.

He didn’t like the new change, he loathed how the walls didn’t whisper and feed into spiraling deceit, how the bed welcomed him as the mattress dipped under his weight, how the silence was actually peaceful for once. It was all unnatural— too gentle for him. 

Too much like that crooked fool. 

And yet, as the warmth seeped into his skin, replacing the cold with a tender comfort only his other half could provide, he’d scowl but never pull away. He wasn’t to fall into this trap like some fool.

For now, his fingers tugged the blanket with reluctance as he prepares for rest. Though, his mind refused to trust this odd sense of serenity.

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Morning arose, blanketing the Vanilla Kingdom in its warm tones of light, layering peace and serenity. Despite awakening peacefully like any other morning, Pure Vanilla had work to do, especially after returning from Beast-Yeast.

Tensions were brewing within the serenity of the kingdom, people were growing wary.

He did not mind, it was his responsibility after all. He should’ve expected it.

The eye upon his staff surveyed the room, one full of concern and fear. However, his observation was interrupted when one particularly vocal skeptic, Black Raisin cookie, spoke up to him.

“That beast is nothing but trouble,” Her tone speaks with venom laced when she refers to Shadow Milk. “Everywhere he walks, nothing but chaos follows his trail like some loyal dog. And now he’s here . Who knows what destruction could await?”

Others seemed to nod their agreement with her statement.

But Pure Vanilla stayed calm despite the doubt his people put on him and his decision, his

Expression not betraying frustration but a sense of quiet understanding. He couldn’t deny that Black Raisin had a valid point.

After moments of thought, he speaks with that familiar tone, warm like a smooth tea infused with honey. “Your concerns are all valid and it’s your vigilance that guards this kingdom that keeps us safe. I am forever grateful for that.” He speaks with an upholding comforting confidence, as if he truly knew what he was doing.

“But he is here now, without shackles to keep him bound, no seal to keep him away from his freedom. He is here because I chose to believe in him, to trust him.” He lets his words sink in like lead in a river of doubt.

“And I hope that you can all believe in me.”

Reassurance could only get him so far it seemed as a tense silence washed over his citizens.

It seemed like not many would be able to trust him in this as he stood, feeling the weight of doubt pressing down on him.

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Pure Vanilla eventually returned to his quarters, each step down halls of familiarity that once hugged him with a sense of homely comfort now heavy with the leaded weights of doubt upon him.

He never meant to disregard his peoples’ worries for his own needs and goals. He wants everybody to be safe.

That was always the priority.

The door to his room is opened with one swift motion and closed with a gentle click behind himself. He doesn’t immediately walk to his desk however, standing idle for a moment as his mind reeled and replayed that entire meeting, Black Raisin’s words of doubt.

He doesn’t blame her of course, she does have a valid reason to feel such ways towards Shadow Milk, but nobody could understand the Beast like he could, his soul’s other half, his other half. 

Was he willing to put Shadow Milk first before his own people?

He didn’t know

Not yet at least.

After taking the moment to think, he finally resumes his quiet steps towards his desk, pulling the chair out with a gentle scrape on the floor before taking a seat into it, his staff resting against the edge with him.

It was still the early hours in the morning, the sun had just risen, and clearly the kingdom was still stirring.

He thought of Shadow Milk, residing, resting in his room but seemed to dismiss the thought and decided to let him be.

In the meantime, he could handle the growing piles of papers and scrolls strewn messily across his desk. Even whilst he was away in Beast-Yeast, his kingdom and his responsibilities continued normally and he was yet to catch up.

Chapter Text

He seemed to have lost track of time, too consumed by his work, to get it done so he wouldn’t worry about it later on. Far too focused, in fact, he didn’t even notice how the warmth that often consumed his room thinned and was now edged with a trembling cold draft.

A chill that should’ve been found familiar, to indicate that someone had made his presence known, that he was now in the same room as the Beast.

Yet, he didn’t pay any attention to the draft, not seeming to register in his busy mind.

It was until fingers grappled onto his shoulders was when he recognized the presence that lingered behind his back.

His attention turned away from chores to now focus on the jester that loomed over his shoulder.

“Well hello, blue bird. I didn’t quite see you there.” 

He chuckles as he offers that warm smile, like a signature that was uniquely his own.

“Not even a flinch?” Shadow Milk seemed to tilt his head slightly as a glint of surprise flickered in that grin of his.

“Jeez, Nilly, were you just ignoring me or something?” He taunts as his hands remove from his shoulders to instead cross against his chest., his sarcasm as sharp as ever, yet it never seemed to even pierce Vanilla.

“Ah, of course not,” He answers simply. “You’re up quite early.”

There’s a pause in the room for a brief moment, the atmospheric silence was edged with this sense of disbelief that made Shadow Milk’s grin falter for a second before that sharp flair returned.

“Uh…Nilly, it’s like early afternoon already,” He raises a skeptical brow, arched with a tinge of annoyance now.

“For Witch’s sake, Nilly, don’t tell me you’ve been cooped up in here all morning and didn’t even think to wake lil’ ol’ me,” He sounds almost offended, dramatic as always of course.

“Are you just trying to purposely ignore me now?” He adds with a scoff, his voice a bit higher pitched like an actor in front of an audience. Dramatic as ever.

“Of course not, Shadow Milk, I simply just did not know you were there. Seems like I was a bit too consumed in my chores, hm?”

“Your chores are boring.”

“Well I suppose that’s the weight of being me, hm?”

A pause passes for a brief second, curiosity etching Shadow Milk’s expression once more as he looks over Pure Vanilla’s shoulder towards his cluttered desk.

Only to find that these papers didn’t hold words.

Every sentence was etched in a pattern of bumps, prominent enough to recognize with touch. All of this was written in braille.

“Is there anything about me? Oh I am truly just one for your history books after all.” He gloats, proud as ever to hold the fear of his people.

“Hm…that seems like something you should find out on your own.”

“...excuse me? So there are things written about me and you’re just not gonna tell me? What a low blow! Though I should expect that from you.” He snickers behind his hand, a taunting sound.

A sound that seemed to hide more than he let on.

“I plan on telling you by teaching you how to read braille of course, you can figure out what these say on your own,” He reaches a hand out, a warm invitation for Shadow Milk to be drawn closer.

“If you’d let me of course.”

But Shadow Milk doesn’t move, nearly like a deer in headlights. This was a threat to him and he didn’t know how to respond for a moment.

His gaze sharp on the gentle, outstretched hand in front of him.

He was repulsed, offended , by such an offer.

“Get that away from me,” His usual snarky smirk breaks into a deep scowl as he swats away Vanilla’s hand, not meant to be seen as violent but as an unmistakable rejection. 

“I’m not falling for your dumb little tricks, Nilly. Do you really doubt me that much? How dare you assume that I wouldn’t already know braille?” He spat with his usual biting pride.

But Pure Vanilla didn’t seem to mind it as he spoke as calmly as ever despite that slight twitch that betrayed his usually still brow that even the jester missed to recognize.

“I do not doubt you, Shadow Milk,” He muses in that awfully gentle voice of his. “I know what you are capable of, we share halves of a whole together. Yet, you are still a mystery to me. I don’t know if something as mundane as braille is up your alley.”

Shadow Milk only huffs with weak, amused laughter.

“Oh spare me your woes, Nilly. Just because we’re “different sides of the same coin” doesn’t mean you get to know me by default.

Shadow Milk’s brow furrowed in undeniable annoyance, his expression tightened with a scowl.

“ You are but a thief, you don’t deserve to know even the mundane things about me.”

“Hm, but you showed me quite a bit in the Spire…when you had me bound in deceit as Truthless Recluse. Don’t you remember?” He crooned.

“Don’t take me for a fool , Vanilla,” He sniggered. “It’s hopeless to argue with a fool like you. You will never understand.”

“I cannot understand if you don’t le—”

“Shut it!” He snaps before Vanilla could finish his thought, pulling away from Pure Vanilla and his desk. “You are utterly hopeless! I don’t know why I decided I’d pester you, all you ever do is annoy me.” He ridiculed the old king.

And yet, he stayed calm.

Even as Shadow Milk left his room, his cold presence lingering in the air like heavy fog, as if it was meant to leave Vanilla to sit and think in quiet shame of doing something wrong.

But there was no shame.

All he ever felt for Shadow Milk was a deep ache in his heart.

Not by his rejections or his cruel words.

But an ache that was bound to their souls, a pain he deeply wanted to understand but was guarded heavily by deflections that were venomous to his ears and bitter rejections that left him further than where he even started.

Chapter Text

That wretched fool . Who did he think he was? To automatically have the right to open years of tender ache like releasing the horrors of Pandora’s box. 

All because they shared— no. All because he had stolen what was rightfully his in the first place.

Shadow Milk loathed it deeply, that he now shared half of a whole with such a fool such as Pure Vanilla cookie.

And he couldn’t even escape his presence.

He had stormed back into his room in blind anger and had started tearing it apart, trashing it as he paced around, the scent of warm vanilla filling his senses as his bitterness ravaged a once comforting and delicately arranged room just for him.

It mocked him. Made a fool out of him. It only seemed to fuel the sharp anger within him.

And yet, behind his seething ire, something more tender rests behind it. A feeling he hated to acknowledge, a feeling he chose to neglect and was now forgotten. Despite its gentle nature, it ate at him, bit by bit.

As he finally collapsed into the torn sheets of the bed that once hugged him warmly, it only whispered and echoed louder in his ears. No matter how much he grabbed at the messy comforter and stuffed it into his ears, it grew louder .

It disgusted him.

It terrified him.

He wanted to disappear, hoping that some portal would suck him back into the Spire, a place he had control of.

But here? He was helpless. Pure Vanilla had control here and it angered him. 

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“Blue bird?” Pure Vanilla’s voice rang out, echoing into Shadow Milk’s mind and breaking him out of his thoughtful daze.

That voice. Soothing like balm to any wound, honey to a sore throat on sickly days. Yet, not soothing enough to heal old scars that the Beast protected with snapping teeth whenever he tried to touch.

“Go away.” He hisses, his grip tightening on the blanket that laid over his body, hiding from Pure Vanilla.

“You can’t hide away forever, you know,” he sits on the foot of the bed, giving the Beast his space. “I came to…apologize, if I came off as offensive to you or anything.” The eye on his staff focuses on the Shadow Milk shaped lump buried in the blanket.

“I don’t want your pathetic sorry’s , I want you to get out!” He snaps sharply back at Pure Vanilla. “I liked you better when you hated yourself.” He seethes bitterly as he refers to Truthless Recluse.

There’s a tense silence between the two. Pure Vanilla had been unaffected by Shadow Milk’s sharpness up to this point but his comment about Truthless Recluse hurt .

He nods slowly. “Okay…I’ll leave you alone.” He agrees softly as he gets up from the bed, approaching the door before leaving with a soft click.

Shadow Milk was used to the isolation, relieved that he was left to his own devices now without Pure Vanilla moping about around him with his sorry excuses.

But maybe, that hidden tenderness was to blame for pushing him away. Something in him knew he was ugly on the inside, too scared to taint Pure Vanilla, too scared that his issues will push him away once he opens up painful scars that never healed properly.

Shadow milk sulked back into the shadows of his isolation, curled up in those blankets. Hurting the only being who could ever understand him was easier than healing.

Chapter Text

Pure Vanilla retreats back into his study, shutting the door with a gentle click. His hand lingered on the knob, his head resting against the door as he lets out a heavy sigh.

All these small steps forward, but now they were back to square one and all because he had offered to teach him braille. Such a simple act, yet it had heavy consequences. He started to wonder…why?
This was far from a normal response to something so small. But he couldn’t see it the way he normally saw it, he needed to see it through Shadow Milk’s perspective. He had felt the extent of his pain before but it wasn’t enough to understand him fully.

He balls his hand into a firm fist, cracking his knuckles before the tension is released as the sound echoes in the silence of his room. It didn’t have to be like this but he had to stay patient. No matter how much he wanted to pry Shadow Milk’s walls down and tend to untreated wounds, to finally give him a fragment of the peace he never felt before.
But for now, he drifts off back to his desk to engulf himself into more work, returning to the quiet chaos of papers and letters.
Letters of concern from his citizens, all written and translated into braille for him to read. It was all of course about Shadow Milk and how he was a threat to the kingdom.
Everyone doubted him.

His people doubted him.

Shadow Milk doubted him.

He started to doubt himself.

He didn’t think Shadow Milk was dangerous, no. But was redemption possible? With how little progress he had made, was this possible? Were they fated in this cycle of push and pull?
He didn’t even know if he could prove to his citizens that Shadow Milk was not a threat, not to them and not to himself.
Pure Vanilla cradles his face in his hands and lets out a long sigh.

No, he couldn’t give in so easily. This was going to be slow, he’d have to be patient, open those gates with delicacy and embrace whatever they held with tenderness.
He’ll prove to his people that Shadow Milk was worth his time and more, that he was worth saving.
This wasn’t about some hero complex that Shadow Milk claimed he had, no, this was about saving someone from an endless spiral they had been living in for who knows how long.

He wanted to crack him

Make him bare the most sensitive parts of his wounds.

Yet, he had to be very careful, he could not become a presence that threatens Shadow Milk.

He wanted to understand no matter how much Shadow Milk wanted to deny him that access. This companionship was fairly new to the both of them, this wouldn’t be their dynamic forever and Pure Vanilla was confident he could ensure that.
He had to be confident about this.

Even if he was going in blind with this.

Even if he was unsure and swamped by doubt.

He’d have to hold his head high and show everyone that he was not giving up on Shadow Milk.

No matter what.

Then, his hands caress a paper, feeling the braille pressed onto it as he reads.

His confidence is short lived as he reads the letter. A couple had returned, Dark Cacao cookie and Golden Cheese cookie had made their returns into their kingdoms; he also received news that Hollyberry cookie would be back soon as well.

The other Ancient Heroes, his friends. He hadn’t told any of them of his return from Beast-Yeast with Shadow Milk.
How would they react? Could he even tell them?

Was he ever strong enough for this? Or was it his fate to crumble in the hands of those who doubted him?
He was an Ancient Hero, yet he felt weak at the hands of others. Was he truly pathetic? He achieved Awakening himself back in the Spire and yet he felt the same. Was this meant to be? To be stuck in this spiral of self-doubt?
How was he ever going to help Shadow Milk when he couldn’t help himself?

For now, Pure Vanilla sat at his desk deep in a quiet storm of thoughts, getting absolutely none of his work done.

Chapter Text

Maybe he was wrong. His fear was irrational, he didn’t know why he reacted so brashly. Yet, he didn’t have it in him to admit his error, his pride holding him back from saying any apologies.

How did he ever end up like this? So pathetic, hiding from the world in a blanket.

Shadow Milk lifts his head up, looking towards a nearby mirror to see his reflection.

A damned mess.

Wasted potential of what could’ve been.

Who gave a damn about fate? He was created with no youth, no childhood. He was just born to serve, to wield a Soul Jam, the Light of Knowledge.

And yet he failed to do so, losing that privilege once he embraced the darkness of deceit.

He hated who he was supposed to be, the Fount of Knowledge, what a damned joke.

That wasn’t him anymore, the Fount of Knowledge was no more.

But it was all he saw in his reflection, those tired eyes from days spent weeping tears that sprouted those sorrowful flowers that followed his path, that pristine and clean look he used to have yet he was always a wreck within during his last moments as the Fount of Knowledge.

It haunted him in every mirror, every reflective surface, he saw him .

What he was supposed to be.

Pathetic.

Sickened by the sight, Shadow Milk pushes the mirror down, causing it to crash on the ground and spray its shards on the floor. Some poor Vanillian subject would probably come by to clean after him, but he didn’t care.

Destroying his reflection, it was a temporary getaway to run from what upset him the most in the past.

But it wasn’t enough. When would it ever be enough? Could he keep this act forever?

It angers him when he recalls Pure Vanilla’s words, that he wouldn’t be able to run away from this forever. What did he know about him?

Pure Vanilla could never understand his agony, he didn’t know how it felt to dig himself out of an identity he was created into. He couldn’t stand how that old fool looked at him with that kind gaze, as if he knew the severity of his wounds.

He knew nothing.

He is nothing.

But at times, he found himself wanting to reach for his hand, to let him in and have him understand.

That was the part that scared him, to be fully seen and vulnerable. He had always been so used to seeing through others, as the Fount of Knowledge and even now. Nobody had cared to see him until now.

Better late than never , the thought makes him roll his eyes before he retreats back into the darkness of the blankets on his bed, hiding away once again.

Chapter Text

“Why do you persist?” Shadow Milk’s eyes narrowed onto Pure Vanilla as he approached him. It had been a couple of days since Shadow Milk shut him out, steering away from him whenever he got close and pretending the other didn’t exist to him when he was checked up on.

He doesn’t respond as he settles next to Shadow Milk, his robes flowing gracefully to accompany the position he sat. 

Pure Vanilla had found Shadow Milk in his garden of lilies, surprised to see the Beast wasn’t terrorizing the place and ransacking it. Either way, he didn’t mind. But it was about time they spoke again after a couple of days of Shadow Milk’s silent treatment.

“You can’t hide from this forever,” his voice is still gentle but there’s a firmness behind it. “You blew up over something I wanted to show you, that isn’t a normal response to anything , Shadow Milk.” The pupil on his staff focuses on the jester as silence consumes the conversation.

“I’ll do as I please.” He retorts back again like he often did with that same scoff.

“Shadow Milk.” That gentleness is waning as Pure Vanilla frowns. He wasn’t frustrated, but he was worried more than anything.

“Just because we’re friends doesn’t mean I’ve accepted that.” Shadow Milk scowls, his sharp gaze still distant, refusing to look over at his counterpart. 

“I’m not asking you to accept our companionship,” his words are delicate, quiet but steady. “What I am asking of you is to stop running from your fear…stop running from me.”

Silence is met in response, a faint twitch in his gaze. Pure Vanilla was touching a nerve in him.

Yet, Pure Vanilla persisted cautiously.

“You do truly care, don’t you? Behind that sharp facade of yours,” he reaches to rest his hand on Shadow Milk’s knee, a comforting gesture that makes the Beast flinch slightly. “...that’s what scares you.”

“Don’t pretend like you understand me, Pure Vanilla cookie,” he swipes his hand away from his knee, coiling into himself. “Do you really think I’m scared of you?” The question is aggressively condescending as Shadow Milk’s hard glare bores into Pure Vanilla.

“You haven’t even given me the chance to understand,” he retorts firmly despite the harsh rejection from Shadow Milk. “There’s no reason for me to hurt you, I never intend to hurt you purposely. But perhaps I’ve been too brash with my approach and I apologize.”

Shadow Milk’s gaze softens just slightly as he lets Pure Vanilla apologize, hearing that he must’ve been truly sorry.

And for what? A measly offer for a lesson on braille? He felt almost guilty for his outburst.

But he couldn’t admit that, make himself look even more like a fool. And yet, he couldn’t shake the feeling of being a fool for reacting so strongly and letting it affect him so much.

“Yeah yeah, whatever,” he brushes off to hide that burning shame under his skin. “You’re forgiven I guess.” He grumbles out as if those were the hardest words he could ever manage speaking.

Either way, Pure Vanilla was delighted not to have Shadow Milk angry at him anymore, feeling a sense of relief as a quiet weight is lifted just slightly from his shoulders.

Pure Vanilla doesn’t speak as he smiles gently. He doesn’t know what more to say, he doesn’t want to push his luck with him. This dynamic had him walking a tightrope that had him constantly teetering to a devastating fall.

But he didn’t care, he refused to fall. He knew that by the end of this rough patch, there would be peace for Shadow Milk.

“Hey,” Shadow Milk snaps his fingers, interrupting Pure Vanilla’s thoughts. “Are you gonna say anything instead of just smiling at me like an idiot? I’m not repeating what I said either.” He scowls with a slight irritation.

“Thank you. Perhaps we can start right this time, don’t you think?” His smile is still warm, his tone hopeful for their steps forward together.

“That’s only if you don’t screw up.”

“We all make mistakes, we just have to find it in our hearts to forgive.”

“...shut up.” He shoots the other a playful glare before looking away from him.

Pure Vanilla laughs a little, a warm and quiet sound that nearly made Shadow Milk crack a light smile.

“Maybe it’s time we head back inside, it’ll get cold out soon.” He props himself up to stand upright before turning towards Shadow Milk. 

He doesn’t know whether or not he should lend out his hand to help him up, but he does either way as his hand stretches out for him.

It takes a brief second for Shadow Milk to register his intention, before he accepts and lets himself get pulled up.

“Thanks.” He mutters begrudgingly, brushing himself off as they both head back inside.

Chapter Text

Pure Vanilla roamed the halls gracefully after guiding Shadow Milk to his room. He had been left outside his door after a hasty “goodnight” when it had been shut in his face.
He didn’t mind the abrupt ending to their interaction. In fact, he was glad that Shadow Milk gave him a slight change.

He saw that under that aggression, there was a heart willing to forgive and Pure Vanilla knew there was a chance for him.

However, there was still an unmoving sense of heaviness on his shoulders. Throughout the week, he had gotten letters from the other Ancient Heroes to announce their arrival back. They were definitely to meet again at some point.

He’d have to tell Shadow Milk about this sooner or later.

He stops in the middle of the empty hall, echoed by silence, darkened by the ever consuming darkness of the night. He shivers slightly, the warmth wasn’t there to welcome him anymore.

He hated to dread seeing his own friends. These were individuals he had lived alongside with for decades, the ones who cared about him deeply.

But doubt swamped his mind. Would anybody believe in his efforts?

His people?

His friends?

Did Shadow Milk even believe in this?

There were so many crucial questions left unanswered, so much to unpack and unfold, so much to discover. It was frustrating to even the strongest of souls.

His hands clenched his staff tightly before he continued his path towards his room, his mind still swarmed with thoughts and questions. He soon arrived in front of his door, opening it slowly and closing it with a gentle click.

He must have faith in this, no matter the hardships, he must trust that Shadow Milk would open up on his own time.
Even if he was under a lot of pressure behind the curtains and even if the questions he constantly asked himself drove him mad, he must keep his head high.

Not for the sake of his dignity, he didn’t care if he lost himself in this quiet mental tussle. This was for a soul who never knew peace, full of unspoken stories that he would’ve loved to listen to if he could.

But for now, he shed his body of his robes and changed into something that was more appropriate for sleep. He’d make his bed and gracefully laid in it, letting the warmth welcome him back in before he was asleep for the night.

Sleep didn’t come easily however when those words rang in his mind. Words that still stuck with him even after forgiveness was exchanged.

“I liked you better when you hated yourself.”

He knew Shadow Milk just wanted to hurt him in the moment, to drive him away. It was what he always did.

But that didn’t dull the ache those words caused him. Nonetheless, it didn’t matter. He wasn’t going to tell Shadow Milk how he felt.

Shadow Milk most likely forgot what he had said anyway.

Even with his exhaustion, it didn’t come easily to him.

He found his mind still restless even if his body wanted rest. He was nearly tossing and turning, trying to find that perfect position that would carry him off into his dreams, to let him forget about today and focus on the new day ahead.

But that never came.

Instead, a familiar chill filled the room again that made him stir as he sat up on his bed to grab ahold of his staff, allowing him to see Shadow Milk at the foot.

A silence filled the space between them, filled with unspoken words and a tense discomfort from Shadow Milk marked by a displeased scowl on his face that hid something quieter, something that brewed and ate at him.

“Did you…need something?” Vanilla asks to break their tense silence. He was confused, what could Shadow Milk possibly need after practically rushing him out of his room?

“I changed my mind.” Was all he says as he sits firmly on the corner edge of his bed in a position that still slightly faces Pure Vanilla.

“About what exactly?” He presses on gently as he sits up a bit more to get comfortable.

There’s a beat of silence as Shadow Milk contemplates his words, he’s still tense with a discomfort that Pure Vanilla so desperately wanted to reach and soothe, to let him know that this was a safe space he could freely speak his mind.

But he bites his tongue, allowing him to come to him instead, which seems to pay off as Shadow Milk opens his mouth to speak again.

“Being alone…I changed my mind about that.” His hands grip the mattress, his gaze drifting away from Pure Vanilla. He seemed to tense a little as his gaze darted off in an attempt to find something better to look at rather than him.

Now that Pure Vanilla was there, Shadow Milk felt almost drawn to him no matter how much he resisted and fought the pull.

He always ended up falling right back into it.

“Well I’m not going to deny your company,” Pure Vanilla hums as he puts his staff off to the side once more before creating some room for Shadow Milk. “Come here.” He offers with a warm smile.

Shadow Milk was hesitant as he stares at the space Pure Vanilla created for him, but he eventually accepts the invitation as he begrudgingly crawls across the bed to lie with him.

They face each other in bed with just enough space to be comfortable but just close enough to feel each other’s presence.

“Sort of a mistake to be completely blind in the presence of the Beast of Deceit.” Even in this moment, Shadow Milk couldn’t help his teasing comments to get a rise from Pure Vanilla.

But Pure Vanilla never got riled up by any of his words, even now as he chuckles a little in a gentle amusement.

“Ironic I guess isn’t it? To trust someone consumed by deceit,” he speaks warmly with a smile. “But I believe that you wouldn’t do anything to me. Would you?” His question answered itself, of course he wouldn’t.

As cruel and sharp witted Shadow Milk was, he never seemed to have it in him to harm Pure Vanilla, even if he absolutely could.

“I find it pretty stupid if you ask me.” He scoffs bluntly, which rouses a bit of a bigger laugh from Pure Vanilla. It’s a sound that Shadow Milk found himself enjoying, it was like gentle music drawing him in.

Their night was full of conversation and soft laughs. Shadow Milk had opened up a bit more than he wanted to admit. However, it was never met with the harsh rejection nor the pity he had anticipated.

Instead, Pure Vanilla had pulled him in and held him. He accepted his pain, embraced it so warmly that he drifted off unexpectedly into the arms that held him. It was odd to accept such affections, but perhaps he was just too tired to fight it this time.

Chapter Text

The morning crept in with a silent warmth that embraced tangled limbs. Neither stirred, not yet. Finally finding the comfort in each other’s presence, neither wanted to pull away.

Not yet.

Shadow Milk didn’t know how long he had been awake, but he knew that he had been listening to the soft breathing of the chest next to his ear. It was only natural to desire that rhythmic sound, to acknowledge that the other was alive, that he was there .

However, he never expected this craving from himself. He was unlike any other, he didn’t feel like any other individual around him. Not Pure Vanilla, not his little Vanillian people, none of them.

He was carved and shaped into a being that never knew individuality, just the burden of being assigned a role he never asked for. He was alive to serve a purpose he had failed to uphold in the end.

But here, in the arms of someone who didn’t expect anything from him, his past failures dissolved into mere static in the background. It wasn’t peace, far from it, but he liked to believe that it was just close enough.

He couldn’t believe it himself, but he felt afraid to let go. Scared of the reality coming back to haunt him, but he knew he couldn’t rely on Pure Vanilla entirely, no matter how much he wanted to.

Just because he had spilled some details about himself last night didn’t mean he wasn’t still terrified of accepting this comfort. It was like his body betrayed every instinct in his mind to pull away, to yell at Pure Vanilla for being such a damned fool, to erase that any of this happened.

However, Shadow Milk decided not to dwell on the subject as he listened to his steady heartbeat and embraced the warmth that covered him, as if he was meant to be there.

“You’re awake, aren’t you?” The sudden voice startles him as the low voice rumbles from within his chest where his head had been. He hadn’t known Pure Vanilla was awake.

“How long have you been awake?” He inquired, sitting up from Pure Vanila’s chest to glance at him now as they stirred in bed. He seemed to resort back to that usual tension, as if he anticipated something, anything to happen to break this moment.

“I just woke up, I hadn’t expected you to still be here,” Pure Vanilla yawns, rubbing his eyes of the tears that formed as a result. “I’m quite glad that you’re still here.” He adds gently.

“What? Are you surprised or something?” Shadow Milk teases with his usual sharpness, a smirk curling his lips as a finger tangles into a silky blond lock. 

He hadn’t noticed earlier, but he was practically tangled in these luscious gold locks due to the shifting around in their sleep the night prior. 

“A little, yes,” he agrees as a hand reaches to tenderly cup his cheek. The touch made Shadow Milk’s smirk falter immediately. “I’m glad that you’re still here though, Blue Bird.” His thumb gently caresses his cheekbone with a reverent tenderness that Shadow Milk never dreamed to feel.

It was as if this was routine, that this was fated to happen.

But still, Shadow Milk resisted.

“Alright, let me get one thing set straight here,” he pulls his head away from the warmth of his hand, that teasing smirk hardening into something more serious. 

“ Just because I shared some personal details with you doesn’t mean we’re automatically all buddy buddy here now.”

“I know,” he says slowly with an unflinching patience that had been carved in stone, still gentle with the way he spoke to Shadow Milk no matter how much the other resisted.

“I never expected us to be that way. I’m only glad that you gave me a chance to see you .” He clarifies before reaching his hand towards his cheek once again.

Shadow Milk was hesitant with his sharp gaze on the inviting palm of the healer’s hand.

“You’re quite the stubborn one, aren’t you?” He scoffs with slight amusement before he finally leans into the touch. “I guess I’ll let you have this one, just this once. I’m too tired to move away.”

Pure Vanilla was surprised by the display, unseeing eyes of blue and yellow widening for a moment before closing once again. He had nothing else to say as his thumb caresses his cheek with a reverent tenderness that Shadow Milk didn’t know he craved.

“You must think I’m pathetic for this, accepting your… affections all of a sudden.”  His voice is surprisingly soft with vulnerability as his gaze averts from the healer, too ashamed to uphold his gaze.

“Shadow Milk,” he pulls Shadow Milk closer to have his head lay on his chest again as fingers run through inky hair with an adoring grace he could only ever recreate. “I am more than happy to be a sanctuary to you. I’m not here to pity you, far from it.”

His fingers tangle in his hair, untangling gently as they ran through the inky strands. “I’m here to share the weight of your troubles.”

“My troubles?” He scoffs. “They would crush you.” He argues harshly.

But Pure Vanilla didn’t seem to give in, too stubborn to let go of the moment and too scared to let this go to waste. He couldn’t let that happen.

He wouldn’t let that happen.

“You underestimate me, Blue Bird.” He muses with confidence to ensure a promise to Shadow Milk.

“You’re stubborn.” Shadow Milk murmurs, his voice lacking its usual bite.

“You’re difficult.” Pure Vanilla replies, fingers continuing to comb through his hair.

“I’ll drive you away eventually.”

“We’ll see.”

“Oh please,” he rolls his eyes in response, his head lifting up to face Pure Vanilla. “You act as if I haven’t almost broken that pretty little mind of yours.” He presses a finger firmly onto his forehead, making Pure Vanilla recoil just slightly from the bluntness.

There’s a silence that meets his words. It was tense and slightly uncomfortable as Shadow Milk’s unreadable gaze still held sharply on Pure Vanilla. He expected him to run away, to break unsaid promises.

However, Pure Vanilla speaks up just in time to save the moment.

“You did almost break me, I do admit,” he murmurs truthfully, making Shadow Milk freeze before he could move away.

“But just because of what you’ve done to me, it doesn’t mean you’re not worth the ruin.” His voice is low, firm but vulnerable as well. Since Shadow Milk had been the one to be vulnerable, it only seemed right for him to meet him halfway.

“... worth the ruin ?” He repeats his words cautiously, the words unnatural against his tongue. His gaze hardens on Pure Vanilla before he speaks again. 

“Why are you so unafraid? I’ll hurt you again, break your mind further, push your limits until you finally snap! Give me something. Anything!” His voice rises with frustration as fingers grip the fabric of his sleeping garments, pulling him to firmly meet his unseeing gaze.

Chapter Text

“Then break me, Shadow Milk,” His brows knit tightly together as the fists tangled in his garments tighten ever so slightly. “If that means that I get to see you , then so be it. I will happily use my dying breath if it means that you feel peace.”

“Stop saying things you don’t mean! Every word out of your wretched lips are all just lies and promises you can’t uphold!” Shadow Milk snaps as he practically pushes Pure Vanilla back into the bed before he stirs upward, prepared to leave.

“Are you truly going to leave like this?” He sits himself up slightly on the bed. His voice was soft, tainted with a hurt he could no longer conceal.

This push and pull had been the closest he’s ever gotten to Shadow Milk and it was slowly being drained away as they quarreled with each other.

It hurt, oh how it hurt.

“Will you leave this between us? Whispered secrets mere wind? Your pain left as simple memories to you? You and I know we can never put this behind us. That would simply be too easy.”

“Shut up!” Shadow Milk snaps angrily, hands trembling with fury. “Don’t you dare act like you know me. You don’t get to dictate what I do and how I’m supposed to feel. Stop acting like this meant something.”

“But it does mean something,” Pure Vanilla continues with an upheld firmness that was always kept gentle. “Not even you can deny that it doesn’t.”

Shadow Milk’s jaw tightens as he scowls. However, he doesn’t move and he doesn’t speak, allowing Pure Vanilla to continue.

“You’re scared,” his words are blunt as he sits upright. “Walking out is your way of protecting me. You think it’ll keep things simple between us.”

“Shut your damned mouth.” His voice is low and threatening, but Pure Vanilla doesn’t seem to pay any mind, not this time.

“But things were never going to be simple, not between us. You and I will always be far from something simple .”

There’s a beat of silence, thick with a tension that hung in the air like dense fog and pain that was left quiet and unspoken. Neither expected to confront such issues right at the crack of the morning but neither seemed to back away, both too stubborn to lose.

“I shouldn’t have fed that damned hero complex of yours. Now look, you think you have the right to speak to me like this, Pure Vanilla?” He spits his name out like bile against his tongue.

“All because I shared my secrets with you for one damn night? You really think I told you the truth?” He barks out laughter all of a sudden, a misplaced sound that didn’t fit the tone. “You’re delusional!”

“Maybe,” he shrugs in response. “But so are you if you think walking out that door is gonna save you from this and make this disappear.”

“You don’t understand don’t y—”

“Then help me to understand,” he interrupts gently. “I’ve felt what you feel before, but I still need you to let me in. Even if it’ll hurt.”

Shadow Milk swallowed hard, Pure Vanilla’s stubbornness had him cornered, preventing him from running off again. He was starting to believe that he couldn’t run anymore, that Pure Vanilla was right, he couldn’t stay away from this forever.

His rage had dissipated, replaced by fear that was projected as anger to protect the sadness within himself, a sadness he was scared of confronting as well.

He was shaped by fear, he felt it crawling under his skin constantly.

“You’ll come to regret your words one day, Vanilla.” His voice softens but holds with a sharpness to it.

“I could never bring myself to regret ever helping you.” Pure Vanilla finally offers a smile before he gets up from the bed, his staff in hand as he crosses over to Shadow Milk.

“How does breakfast sound? Perhaps that’s what we both need right now.”

There’s a pause as Shadow Milk thinks upon the offer before he nods slowly.

“Alright, sure I guess.”

It’s quiet, but Pure Vanilla was relieved that he wasn’t being completely pushed away. His doubts stirred but he hushed them for now.

“Great, I’ll meet you outside then. I’ve gotta change real quick if that’s okay with you.”

Shadow Milk nods before silently leaving the room with a gentle click of the doorknob as he shut the door behind himself.

Hands relax from the tense grip on his staff as he lets out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding in. He was glad this was the outcome, knowing well that it could’ve been far worse.

But doubt still swarmed his mind, a constant ring he couldn’t tune out but could ignore until it got louder. This was a fragile line to walk on, something he absolutely could not break and must be handled with care. However, with the pressure of the Ancients coming as well, it felt as if he was being crushed trying to protect Shadow Milk.

His jaw tightens, feeling that his mouth had gone dry somehow. He thought that perhaps tea would suffice during breakfast with Shadow Milk, that could possibly ease his mind a little.

But would it truly? He knew this was a mere distraction for himself.

He didn’t know how long he could go on like this. He found it ironic that he was trying to convince Shadow Milk not to run from him whilst he was running from his own problems.

___________________________

Just outside the door, Shadow Milk waited with his back against the wall and his arms crossed over his chest tightly. His shoulders were tense and his gaze was hard and distant as his mind ran rampantly.

He had been cornered, he couldn’t deny it and he hated the fact that he couldn’t.

Pure Vanilla had stuck him right into a position he didn’t want to be in, it was uncomfortable to be confronted with issues he had tried so desperately to ignore since it was all futile anyways.

None of it mattered in the long run is what he constantly told himself.

His arms dropped from his chest, and he wiped his palms against the fabric of his clothes before he ran his sharp fingers through his hair as he let out a frustrated exhale. His tension stuck no matter what he did, crawled against his skin no matter how much he scratched.

He hated to admit it, but he missed Pure Vanilla’s arms around him, holding him firmly and shielding him from the quiet storm that raged inside him. It was selfish, to accept such affections when he hardly earned it.

But oh, how it made him feel secure. Safe.

It was a feeling he hardly got to embrace since nobody dared to see him, the Beast of Deceit, the jester that found breaking the minds of others fun, exhilarating . However, that wasn’t the case with Pure Vanilla anymore.

He had nearly broken his mind before, mostly out of curiosity to see how far he could push his healer.

Now, it felt almost wrong to even have him this close. He was an entity that destroyed rather than brought hope. He had embraced this destructive nature for so long that he forgot how to show his care without fear.

This was how he showed how deeply he truly cared, pushing away was meant to protect Pure Vanilla from himself to prevent any more harm being done to him.

Before his thoughts could consume him further, however, Pure Vanilla opened the door with that radiant smile of his that shone like the sun, making Shadow Milk feel slightly warm. It was odd, he had hated his everlasting smile before but he found himself growing quite fond of it.

“About damn time,” he huffs out a short laugh as he pushes himself up from the wall to meet Pure Vanilla. “I’m quite starved, oh the agony you’ve put me through, Nilly!” He dramatically falls and Pure Vanilla immediately catches him out of reflex.

“Hush your theatrics, Blue Bird,” Pure Vanilla shakes his head with a chuckle as he pushes Shadow Milk back upright. “I apologize for the wait, my hair was all tangled up.”

“Not my fault.”

“I never blamed you.”

“You were going too.” He shoots a glare at him, sharp but playful.

“Hm…” He pretends to ponder for a moment. “I don’t recall ever thinking of blaming you.”