Chapter 1: Is this a pyramidal scheme?
Chapter Text
Capo Pericolo has created a chat.
Capo Pericolo has added participants.
CapoPericolo: Good morning everyone. This group has been created for all of us to get to know each other a little better. I have only added three of our top teams as the boss wants us to get along better. Please introduce yourselves. I will be leaving this group in charge of my son GianLuca, please treat each other with respect.
Aerosmith: Is this a piramidal schem?
BBucciarati has silenced Aerosmith:
BBucciarati: I am very sorry about that. Good morning everyone, thank you very much Capo Pericolo, we are honored to be here. My name is Bucciarati and since Capo Polpo is still in prison I will be his representative.
RNero: Risotto Nero, capo of the execution squad. Introduce yourselves.
GD: Prosciutto. Member of the execution squad.
BabyFace: Di Molto! Melone here, send pictures of your feet!
PF: First. It is written pyramidal scheme*
And second. What kind of a request is that?! What is your problem! This is an official group! PLEASE REFRAIN FROM MAKING A FOOL OF YOURSELVES!
BabyFace: Ghiaccio is that you?
PF: No!
GentlyWeeps: DAMN IT MELONE! YOU SHOULD REALIZE THAT'S NOT MY USERNAME! BESIDES, WHAT KIND OF TWISTED FIRST IMPRESSION ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE? WHY WOULD SOMEONE SEND YOU THAT? WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!
LuckyBoy: *Photo*
LuckyBoy: Is it some kind of requirement to send those kinds of pictures every day or are they just checking our footprints to see if it's really us?
PF: Mista why the fuck did you send that?! WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE SENDS A PICTURE OF HIS FEET TO A WORK CHAT?!
Pesci: *Photo*
Pesci: I don't feel very comfortable sending this but I guess if it's required I have to.
BabyFace: KJAHFDSLUSAYT9UAGAODS I love you guys, yuck, but I love you guys! Khgkjhadsgjasñ
DocChoc: *Photo*
DocChoc: I love this group!
Seccock: *Photo*
Seccock: Cioccolata is this good?
DocChoc: Yes, yes! Your pretty feet should be adored by the community!
Carne: *Photo*
GianLuca has restricted the chat, only administrators can write.
GianLuca: I'm going to ask the leaders to please talk to their team, tomorrow I'll reactivate the group so they can introduce themselves properly.
Chapter 2: IT'S NOT A PHASE!
Summary:
Personally, I really enjoy this type of fanfiction. I know it's considered “poor quality” by the snobby people at ao3, and this format tends to be hated in general, but I think it's an excellent way to develop a plot quickly and easily, so screw it.
Notes:
I'll probably only do about 10 chapters, and maybe I'm the only one reading this, but it doesn't matter. I enjoy doing it, and that's what counts. Thanks anyway if anyone is reading this. Hugs!
Chapter Text
GianLuca has activated the chat.
GianLuca: Good morning, I hope everyone is doing well today. The boss's dear advisor has informed us that the boss expects you to please get to know each other in a healthy and respectful manner.
Bucciarati: Hello! Good morning, everyone. I am very sorry for any misunderstanding that may have occurred previously. I am Bruno, and my team will introduce themselves properly this time.
Abba: Abbacchio.
LuckyBoy: Hey! Mista here!
PF: Fugo, good morning, everyone.
Aerosmith: Narancia! :D
GG: Giorno Giovanna, it's a pleasure to meet you.
RNero: I apologize for my subordinate's previous incident. He has been punished appropriately for his insubordination.
BabyFace: You should have made it harder, Rizz... It wasn't enough.
GD: Melone, for God's sake, shut up or I swear I'll make you look like an old man for the rest of the month!
BabyFace: Yes, Mom. I promise not to disobey Daddy anymore.
RNero has silenced BabyFace.
Tiz: As leader of the boss's guard, I want the rest of us to introduce themselves properly, however DocChoc and Sec... I'm not going to write that, are muted. Cioccolata and Seco are members of our group.
Sq: Squalo, I am a member of the guard and spouse of my beloved Tiziano. We will soon be hosting a birthday party for our little girl. Bucciarati, I understand that your team consists entirely of your children as well. Perhaps they could attend Sheila's party.
GD: While I don't think this is the right place for this kind of conversation, since we're not the mothers of preschoolers, I would like you to consider inviting Pesci as well.
Aerosmith: I'm not a child! Bucciarati, tell them we're not children!
VodooChild: I don't know these people! Why do I have to have strangers at my party?! Why are you throwing me a party in the first place? I told you I want to be alone!
Bucciarati: Ah, Fugo is going through that phase too. All the time in his room listening to dark music and with Gerard Way posters everywhere.
PF: IT'S NOT A PHASE!
GG: Gerard Way?!
Aerosmith: He's Fugo's boyfriend! He always says he's beautiful.
LuckyBoy: He has a life-size cardboard cutout of him behind his closet door!
PF: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU BOTH!!!!
GG: Fugo has a boyfriend?! Why didn't anyone tell me!
Abba: Bucciarati, your gremlins are destroying the kitchen. I'm going to my apartment, bye.
Sq: I'll send the invitations tomorrow! Shei likes Jimi Hendrix and waterproof makeup. Please don't gift her dolls, she hates them, but she's fine with stuffed animals and coloring books.
VodooChild: SQUALO!!!! AAAAAH! You're ruining my life.
Iluso: Melone doesn't sound so bad now, does it, Rizz?
RNero: I guess so.
Chapter 3: We're going to miss you!
Summary:
I'm using this fic to de-stress because I hate my life right now.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
GianLuca has added VDoppio to the chat.
VDoppio: Hello, everyone! I hope you are having a great day today! As the consigliere to our benevolent boss, I would like to share some exciting news with you.
VDoppio: Our boss has proposed an activity that will make us a better team. All of you will swap a member for a week. Please choose today, a car will be sent to your team's or leader hideout/home to pick up the lucky person who will have the opportunity to meet another part of Passione in person. For organizational reasons, team leaders cannot volunteer. Please be ready at 19:00 hours today.
VDoppio has left the chat.
GianLuca: Okay, the boss's consigliere has been clear with the instructions. Please pack a suitcase with the necessary items for a week's stay and also prepare a safe and comfortable place for the guest you will be receiving.
LuckyBoy: Bye Fugo. We're going to miss you!
PF: Why me? You go!
GG: I propose Abbacchio.
Abba: If it weren't for Bruno, I'd leave you in a basket at an orphanage myself!
BBucciarati: Enough.
Aerosmith: This still souds like a scheme to me.
PF: It is not! Stop saying that!!!
Aerosmith: Bye Fugo, were going to miz u!
GG: No!!!!
LuckyBoy: Gio, a little distance can rekindle the flame of romance!
PF: What the hell are you talking about?!
RNero: We'll send Melone.
GD: Thank God. Whoever ends up keeping him, please make sure to lock your bedroom doors before going to sleep.
BabyFace: :C
Tiz: For the sake of our baby's socialization, we'll send Shei... For that reason, and because it would be impossible to send only Cioccolata or Secco, and Carne isn't trained well enough yet. We'll also take advantage of that week to decorate the house for the birthday party, so please treat our girl nicely.
VoodooChild: OMG, please stop embarrassing me.
BBucciaratti: We are discussing a tie in our group. We will decide in a moment, please give us a minute.
BBucciaratti: My second in command will go, please make sure he goes to bed early and doesn't drink too much coffee.
PF: Damn it.
Notes:
I just think it's very unlikely that Cioccolata and Secco could be separated.
I also hope we all remember that Fugo is Bruno's right-hand man.
And just in case you were wondering, Mista and Narancia voted for Fugo just to annoy him, Bruno and Giorno voted for Abbacchio, Giorno for obvious reasons and Bruno because Leone is the only other adult in his group (Mista doesn't count even though he's 18), so he would be the most responsible choice. Leone would have voted for Giorno, but that would have put him at a disadvantage, so he voted for Fugo.
They flipped a coin, and Fugo lost.
Chapter 4: For The Sake Of Art
Summary:
Let's stress Fugo out.
Chapter Text
RNero has sent a PDF.
RNero: I would like to formally request Fugo's permanent transfer to the execution squad.
Abba: No!
RNero: I hope GianLuca can discuss it with the advisor, Mr. Doppio, as soon as possible.
BabyFace: *Gasp* WHAT? YOU'RE GOING TO LEAVE ME HERE?! Look, the trio with Cioccolata and Secco was good, but I'd like to go home!
GentlyWeeps: I should never have told you it was okay to have an open relationship. Please tell me you used protection.
BabyFace: I'm surprised you're asking me something like that! I may be a sexual pervert, but I'm always a pervert with professional ethics.
LuckyBoy: So you're a professional threesome performer?
BabyFace: I do it professionally for the sake of art... Want my card? I can offer you a discount for your first encounter.
GentryWeeps: If you're going to charge, then it's not for the sake of art.
BabyFace: Have you seen our paychecks lately? If this team keeps eating, it's thanks to my OnlyFans. Im considering other side jobs.
RNero: The boss agreed to raise our salaries last week. Now I just want him to give us Fugo... But that doesn't mean we're trading, you come home and we'll give Fugo the guest room.
BBucciarati: I'M NOT GIVING YOU MY FIRST SON!
BBucciarati: Recruit*
BBucciarati: Abbacchio, thanks for letting me know about this. Risotto, I can't accept something like this. Please return Fugo to me safe and sound.
Tiz: Bruno, I'm glad you're active in the chat. Did Shei behave herself?
BBucciarati: She's an angel, in fact she makes me want to adopt a girl.
BBucciarati: Recruit*
BBucciarati: My autocorrect has been playing tricks on me lately.
Sq: I know! Girls are so cute, even if they are a little rebellious.
RNero: Bucciarati, please consider the possibility.
GD: Besides, Pannacotta is my nephew, so I could legally request custody of him.
PF: WHAT?!
GD: Oh, well... Your mother is my older sister. I wasn't sure until you came to stay. You could come out of your room and we can talk about it in the kitchen. I'll make you some tea.
BBucciarati: WHAT?! RISSOTO I WANT PANNACOTTA HOME NOW! I DON'T CARE IF THERE'S ONLY ONE DAY LEFT OF THE COHABITATION WEEK, I WANT FUGO HERE IMMEDIATELY!
BabyFace: Well... then I don't have to charge for the fun. Could we organize a swingers party? Would you like that, Ghia?
GentlyWeeps: No.
BabyFace: :(
Notes:
I have this HC where Fugo, Prosciutto, and Cioccolata are relatives.
Chapter 5: Calm down, Darth Vader.
Summary:
Family bonding... but its just Bruno and Fugo.
Chapter Text
Bruno Bucciarati And Pannacotta Fugo Private Chat.
Strawberrybaby: Bucciarati, could I please stay for the rest of the required time? I promise to return home tomorrow afternoon.
Bucciarati: I'm worried that they're going to kidnap you. I was thinking of going to Florence right now to get you.
Strawberrybaby: That won't be necessary, but I have some things to discuss with Prosciutto. It's important.
Bucciarati: Are you absolutely sure?
Strawberrybaby: Yes, besides, it hasn't been entirely unpleasant being here... But if necessary, I would use Purple Haze against them.
Bucciarati: We'd have to flee the country because I doubt the boss would agree with you killing his entire assassination squad, but if you think it's needed, I'm totally with you. Just stay safe and call me if you need anything.
Strawberrybaby: Yeah, don't worry.
Bucciarati: By the way, Sheila is going to stay with us for two more days. Apparently, the boss sent Tiziano and Squalo on a special mission and they prefer that she not be left alone.
Strawberrybaby: Sure, no problem.
Bucciarati: Good, I'll make your favorite food for when you get back.
Strawberrybaby: Thanks, Bucciarati, I appreciate it and...
Strawberrybaby: I miss you.
Bucciarati: And I miss you! Very much! We all miss you. Don't let Abbacchio fool you, without you he has no one to judge people with.
Strawberrybaby: Hahaha, I imagine what he misses most is me babysitting Narancia.
Bucciarati: Yes, there's something to that. Giorno is very sad without you, by the way. Be nice and bring him a souvenir from Florence, will you?
Strawberrybaby: Sad??? Why would he be? But sure, whatever. Although I don't know what I should bring him, we're not very close, and I have no idea what he likes. Any suggestions?
Bucciarati: I don't think Gio feels the same way about your closeness... But I guess something related to flowers or animals.
Strawberrybaby: Okay, tomorrow morning I'm going to have breakfast alone with Prosciutto, so I guess I can find a souvenir for all of you.
Bucciarati: Thanks Panni, that would be nice.
Strawberrybaby: Please don't tell the others that I let you call me that.
Bucciarati: My lips are zipped *pun intended*
Strawberrybaby: That's such a dad joke.
Bucciarati: That's because I'm your father.
Strawberrybaby: Calm down, Darth Vader.
Bucciarati: See you tomorrow Panni :D
Strawberrybaby: Ciao Dad!
Notes:
FuGio sprinkles for you. <3

cherrskies on Chapter 1 Thu 21 Aug 2025 04:22AM UTC
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TangerineVanilla on Chapter 1 Sat 23 Aug 2025 06:57AM UTC
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Dendrobates (Guest) on Chapter 3 Sat 09 Aug 2025 04:24AM UTC
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TangerineVanilla on Chapter 3 Sun 10 Aug 2025 03:57AM UTC
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Rinthegoat (Guest) on Chapter 4 Thu 21 Aug 2025 07:33PM UTC
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TangerineVanilla on Chapter 4 Sat 23 Aug 2025 06:58AM UTC
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