Chapter 1: A child's Diary
Summary:
Toto's diary
Notes:
Totos like 7/9 in this and the year might not be accurate cuz I'm lazy.
I hope it sounds like a child and ignore how a 7 year old has almost perfect punctuation lmao.
Toto speaks to the diary lmao
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
12th of January 2005
Dear Diary,
My granny gave me this diary to write all my thoughts in; she says that I can use it to put all the thoughts that I usually say outloud—people say it’s annoying but I just can’t help it! Anyway, Mum says I talk too much—I don’t! I just have too much to say all at once that I can’t contain it in my head. If they really loved me, they’d love that side of me too.
School’s going good, I guess; I don’t have much friends apart from the nice girl next to me. I sometimes see her laughing to her friends whilst staring at me—maybe she just likes me. I don’t have much male friends though; they won’t let me play football with me—they call me bad but how can I be bad if I’ve never played before? It does make any sense…
I really don’t have much to talk about so I’ll leave it there for now, Diary!
_________________________________________________
14th of January 2005
Dear Diary,
Mum made me my favourite food ever! I ate so much of it I almost threw up—it was so good. We all ate around the table together: me, Mum, Dad. Dad shared stories of his work to us; he’s always fighting the bad guys and never has any time to look or play with me—he still loves me though! I can see it in his eyes every time he looks at me.
My dad is a police officer (I think) and works in the big building in the middle of Tokyo. He always tells me about the criminals he catches: the bad guys and how I should never become like them—I know I won’t! How they steal and murder and do bad things to other people; my dad hates criminals so I won’t become one to make him happy. Is it okay if I steal candy from granny once in a while…
I love my dad so much; I want to become like him when I’m older—a strong, tough manly man with a bulging six pack! To fight bad guys and lock them up in prison would be nice. I’ll be an amazing police officer like Dad to make him proud. He’d be proud of me—I’m sure of it!
I love my Mum a lot too! She’s so kind and cooks me my favourite food; but she isn’t as important to me as my Dad, I guess. I hope that doesn’t sound mean, Diary but she just doesn’t seem as good as my Dad. But I still love her lots!
I love my granny the most though. She always gives me sweets when she takes me to the temple where we pray together; she cooks me food too but not as nice as Mum! Granny tells me stories of her son, Dad and my grandpa, who I never met before—I think he died before I was born. He’s nice though—I think! Grannie always says how handsome he was and she has a look in her eyes that is the same look I give when I’m eating—so she must love him a lot! She says Dad was a loser growing up and didn’t get any girlfriends before Mum; I can’t believe it because my Dad is so handsome and my Mum is beautiful too. I wonder if I can become like him too—with a pretty girl by my side.
Having a diary is good; I have to thank my granny for getting me one.
________________________________________________
13th of March 2005
Dear Diary,
Somethings changed in my home but I don’t know what it is. I think it’s the new kitchen—that’s probably it! I’ve spent more time at my granny's nowadays that I almost forgot about my diary underneath my bed so I’m sorry, Diary! I hope you can forgive me.
Mum has grown more quiet too; she still cooks me my favourite food but I don’t see her smile much. I hope she hasn’t read my diary and seen what I’ve wrote about her. I wonder if I did something wrong to her…I hope I can still say sorry. I can see her hair thinning too—it used to be long and wavy but she cut it now and she doesn’t look at beautiful—sorry Mum!
Dad’s changed too, I guess. He spends more time at work as the months go on and if he is at home, he doesn’t talk much to me. He doesn’t buy me any more toys or play with me anymore. I hope I didn’t do anything wrong to upset him either. I go to bed early but I can still hear it—the shouting. He’s probably angry at work and at those criminals but should he really take it out on Mum? I hate to see the both of them get hurt.
But Mum and Dad are in love, right? And they are married and granny told me marriage can never get broken so I’m sure everything will be okay! Me and granny prayed at the shrine for good health; I prayed for Mum and Dad and their love to get all better.
My parent still love each other,
Right, Diary?
_________________________________________________
16th of May 2005
Dear Diary,
I don’t sleep on my own bed anymore because I’m always staying at granny’s—I like staying at granny’s but I miss Mum's cooking. I miss Mum and Dad. I don’t get to see them much anymore though; I think it’s because of work. My Dad is always busy now and Mum has stopped cooking for me now. She used to send me side dishes but the only thing in the post now is takeaway leaflets.
Granny says I have nothing to worry about and my parents still love each other—and me too! But I wish it could all go back to the olden days ( I sound like granny) where I still saw my parents often. When I am there, the shouting gets worse: they fight more and I can hear glass smashing. I try to sleep but it gets worse and I can’t if they are so loud. It doesn’t sound good in my ears but granny says it’s the sound of people in love with each other; she says when people are in love they fight and argue and it shows they still care about each other. I believe her so I pray that they still love each other.
I wish I could read minds however. I can’t read the expression on my Dad anymore: he looks right through me nowadays like I’m a ghost. It hurts and I want to cry but Dad says men don’t cry so I hold my tears until I’m sleeping. He sometimes calls me by another name that sounds nothing like Toto—another boy’s name but it’s probably a mistake so I ignore it! He won’t play with me or buy me sweets anymore; he doesn’t come home until he has to get money or sleep. I know where he hides his money—a small piggy bank under the bed. I can just crawl under it and get it but that’s stealing and Dad doesn’t like criminals!
My Mum still loves me though! I can see it in her eyes when she stares at me; her eyes have big bags under them and she laughs when I make fun of them. She’s gotten uglier though compared to her I used to know. She doesn’t cook for me either and I miss her cooking so much but we just eat takeaway food nowadays.
I wish we could go back.
They still love me, don’t they?
_________________________________________________
15th of June 2005
Dear Diary,
Nothings changed that much. Dad still looks at me like I’m see through. Mum looks like a harpy now. Granny is the most youthful one nowadays.
Mum’s gotten more angrier at me; she shouts at me if I make a mistake in doing chores or cooking. She hugs me straight afterwards though like she’s sorry; then she does it again an hour after and she’s not sorry, is she? I can hear her crying at night in her bedroom, lonely because Dad’s not there. She doesn’t cook for me again as usual; the instant noodles are nice though—I’ll enjoy whatever she makes for me! I think she still loves me but I can never see it in her eyes.
Dad’s the same. He’s never around and only comes home if it’s to get money off my Mum. Mum hates when I bring him up and shouts at me; I can’t help it though because I love my Dad and admire him a lot. I don’t see why she’s acting like this. Granny says I shouldn’t mention it anymore or else Mum gets upset and cries in her sleep again. I don’t want to see Mum cry so I’ll be good and won’t mention it again.
The bruises are more noticeable now. Mum says she’s okay if I point them out but I can tell she’s hurting. They argue every day now and I can’t do anything about it. Mum tells me to go into my bedroom when Dad gets home so I do as she says; they both go into their own bedroom but the noises are too loud and I can’t fall asleep no matter how hard I try. The sounds are muffled but Mum says “STOP” a lot and it sounds like she’s crying. She tells me to never intervene so I don’t—but a police man would and I want to be a good police man for Mum and Dad!
I hope when I’m older I can protect Mum and Dad from whatever is making them argue. That will be some years in the future though!
_____________________________________________
17th of July 2005
Dear Diary,
Mum told me to do a crazy thing today—to steal Dad's piggy bank and all the money inside it! I told her Dad hates criminals and I'd never become a criminal but she forced me into the bedroom and made me crawl under the bed to get it. Against my will! Can you believe it?
Dad came home and when he went to get it, it wasn't there. I could see him get angry; he dragged Mum into the bedroom and kept asking her where it was—like an interrogation with a criminal. But Mum's not a criminal—I'm the criminal! They kept shouting at each other and I tried to go to sleep but couldn't.
Granny said I shouldn't have listened to Mum but I was trying to be a good boy so I tried my best! She wouldn't have given me dinner other wise if I didn't do as she said...
I couldn't sleep with all the shouting; I knew I shouldn't have done it but I listened into their conversation: Dad was shouting at Mum again but Mum was crying heavily. I couldn't make out the words but I heard "Kill" and stuff like that. Was Dad going to kill Mum? But that's what a criminal would do and my Dad is a good police officer and would never!
He would never do such a thing. Because being a criminal is bad, right?
Granny said I should have minded my own business but how can I when my Mum was about to get killed? So I crept downstairs and looked for my Dad's police vest where he kept his gun.
I took it and crept back upstairs; I opened their door—and I know I shouldn't have but the next thing I knew blood was on my hands.
The gun was fired next to my feet; And Mum hugged me tighter then she ever did before.
They still loved me, didn't they?
Notes:
Bet u didn't expect that huh😹😹 neither did I... But this is one of the many toto backstory headcanons I have
Ask any questions if your confused!!
Chapter 2: You look so similar to me
Summary:
Toto finds a boy that reminded him of himself
Notes:
I think I cried whilst writing this. Gun teleported to my head.
Most emotional angst I've written ever.
Chapter Text
Toto met the boy whilst on a case with Ron; the detective pair were called up by Amamiya and if Toto went then Ron also had to go. They got to the crime scene—a semi detached house in the middle of a posh neighborhood. The house was nice if it wasn't for the fact that a dead body of a man laid on it; it wasn't just a man but a fellow police officer that Toto had briefly known his name.
And the perpetrator: a young boy—about 5 years old at least. That was the start of Toto's breakdown.
He tried to put on a composed face but after hearing the facts from a police officer on duty, his face couldn't stay still. He had been in tons of cases where children can kill or police officers die but one that reminded him of something he wanted to forget. It was impossible.
Ron was at least by his side but the man wouldn't get it; he didn't know what Toto had been through or shy the case meant so much to him. He didn't question Toto's shocked expression that was sweating convulsively or the way his pupils dilated and he looked to be having a panick attack. Ron was always like that so maybe it was better that someone wasn't causing a fuss over him.
Toto could do this.
He went up to the perpetrator—victim. The boy had a dumb expression on his face like he didn't know what he had done as he sat next to a police officer with a blanket over his shoulders.
"Hey little guy, my name's Totomaru Isshiki; can I ask you some questions?" Toto knelt down next to the boy, smiling faintly. There was no point in treating the boy like a criminal if he hadn't heard the full story.
"Sure! My name's Nagisa—you can call me Nagi," Nagi was chewing on a lollipop loudly.
"Ok Nagi, can you tell me the events of the day so far?"
"Well me and my Mum were cooking together when Dad got home; he was mad and started shouting at Mum whilst I was watching. He started to hit her and drag her away from me. He was acting like a baby guy and daddy hates bad guys so I grabbed a knife from Mum's chopping board and tried to get Dad to let go of Mum!" Nagi had a sweet smile like this was normal in his world; Toto couldn't handle it anymore.
He wanted to throw up. He thought he let go of those memories. That life. The years he spent in torture with his parents In a household that sounded so similar to this young boy in front of him.
The young boy that looked too much like him.
"Thank you Nagi, I'll go talk to your Mum now," Ron and Toto both left for Nagi's Mum who sat in a police car with a blanket over her shoulders.
"Toto are you okay? You seem out of it today," Ron asked him.
"I'm fine, really."
They eventually made it to Nagi's Mum: she was in a white night dress with a stain of blood on the front and had a look of terror plastered on her face; the whole scene made Toto sick. She had the same corpse-like look his Mother had once looked at him—like she was dead on the inside. Her hair was falling out of her head like a harpy and Toto could see she used to be a beautiful woman. But that beautiful woman was now a shell of years of violence.
"Are you Nagi's mum? I'm officer Isshiki, can I ask you a couple questions about the events of today?" Toto leant down like he had done with Nagi whilst Ron stood next to him.
"Of course, officer," Nagi's mum looked like she hadn't had a good nights sleep on ages; the poor woman was slowly writhing away.
"Could you tell me about Nagi and your husband?"
"Nagi's a normal boy. My husband however, was not a normal man. He started to grow violent and aggressive; I started to think he was cheating on me and only using me and Nagi for money. He ignored Nagi like he had another child in his life and ignored me like I wasn't his wife but only someone that could cough up money for him.
My Nagi didn't mean to stab him—he was just—he was just confused. I wish I was the one to end my husband's life but now Nagi has the tainted blood of that man on his hands—I've failed as a mother..." Nagi's mum began to weep quietly.
"Thank you Ms. I'm sorry about your son but we may have to bring him in and have you accompany him as a guardian whilst he's getting interrogated. Please, for Nagi, hire the best lawyer for him; I can help you with the costs but for Nagi that would be beneficial," Toto wished he hadn't had said anything but this story felt too much like his own and it was getting too much.
This boy shouldn't have had to go through what he did all those years ago. No one should.
It seemed Nagi's mum understood that as she nodded slightly. The case was over—it was a clear cut on who did it—but that only left the trial and the most traumatic part.
"Toto you seem to have done this all before? When you were giving Nagi's Mum advice, it sounded like you were talking from the bottom of your heart—am I correct?" Ron tried to meet Toto's eyes but the man kept avoiding him as they got back to his car.
"Ron, you're too clever for your own good!" Toto smiled pathetically as they got in the car, "Nagi reminds me about myself too much."
"You mean—"
"I killed my own Father—just like he did." The two of them stared into each other's eyes for a while; Toto felt a tear peek out from his eyes. They were safe in the car—Toto was feeling like he was about to collapse.
After all these years of avoiding talking about it, Toto did feel satisfaction about saying it all aloud; it felt good like he had accepted it now. He hadn't talked about since his teen years or even when he first became a police officer, which haunted him for months.
He became a police officer like his father; except for the fact, that he was a better cop then his father. He promised himself to not become a person like his parents were. He used to love them so much when he was younger but those feelings were shallow and fake.
His mother was neglectful but he couldn't hate her no matter how much he did when he was younger; she had to endure his fathers abuse for many years whilst Toto hated her for being a normal person. He was a fool that was hypnotized by his father's once brazen image of himself; he made Toto hate her after all those years. She wasn't perfect but she was something that held Toto in place together; they had good moments and bad moments. They enjoyed each other's company together; they enjoyed cooking and Toto loved his mother's cooking. He couldn't hate her after all those years—he felt more pitiful for her.
She passed away a few years after the events of the summer of 2005, leaving Toto to stay with his grandma. His grandma was nice to him considering the fact that he killed her son; she told him that she didn't blame him. Granny mentioned how it was a mother's instinct that their child would grow up to be bad and she felt that in Toto's father. Little Toto questioned if his mother felt that way about him but his grandma reassured him that she forgave him already in the afterlife.
But had Toto forgiven himself—there was no point in people's forgiveness when he hadn't forgave himself yet.
His father's legacy still lived on—when it plagued him in the first division, his fathers division. Officers interrogated him if his father was really a cold hearted cheater and abuser—he tried to ignore them. They really all saw him as his father—that cruel man that Toto didn't want to be associated with. No one saw him as his own person—until he met Amamiya, Kiku and Ron, of course.
Amamiya didn't care if he was a murderer (or she just didn't know); she only insulted him because he was absolutely useless at what he did. Toto was sort of glad for that to be honest, even if Amamiya wasn't the nicest to him, he felt like someone could finally see him for someone that he didn't want to be. Kiku was nice to him too; he had told Toto that he always knew there was something wrong with his father from the moment their eyes met (father's intuition he said!). Toto wondered if Kiku saw his father in him but Kiku made sure Toto knew that he was a step better then his father.
He kept Ron in the dark for months; he hadn't exactly had the time to share about his past considering how much they were always busy with Ron's own past. But now in their car, driving away from a crime scene, it all started to come out now.
Ron didn't say much—nodding a bit and holding Toto's arm. He was glad the two of them were open enough to share such trauma with each other. Maybe he was glad that Toto was also a murderer with Ron? Or Toto just wasn't normal? They could be broken together—but it wasn't the time for all of that. Toto needed Ron with him emotionally.
As they arrived at their apartment, Toto collapsed onto the floor of sloth, landing next to the cat. Ron lied next to him as they held hands together. The silence was comforting; there was no need to say anything for Toto cried—rather loudly—and Ron gripped his hand tightly. The best kind of therapy. Toto didn't need Ron to comfort him or say any nice words; nothing could change what he been through those years—no nice words could take away the pain.
So the two of them lied together, with each other in their arms and cried. Toto felt good afterwards.
It all come out of him like he had been constipated with the trauma and he had successfully flushed it out. But did he accept what he had done yet? He was a murderer and would always be a murderer. It would take years of healing for him to accept it.
But at least Ron was by his side to help him—as well as their cat.
_____________________________________________________
Toto sat on the gallery of the courtroom, watching the trial; there was a bunch of reporters next to him and the occasional flashing of bright lights smacked his face.
From the defense table, was Nagi and his lawyer; the mother took up Toto's offer and let him and Ron pay for the lawyer—hoping to get a better deal for the boy. It seemed the trial was going in a good direction when it was time for the jury to say their verdict.
The head juror pulled out the small piece of paper.
Not guilty.
The courtroom erupted into happiness for the defendant as mother and son hugged it out. Toto didn't go up to them; he silently left them to cry and heal each other. He didn't deserve to be apart of their happiness; he had found his own but this was the mother and son's time and he couldn't intervene.
With this, he hoped the boy could move on like Toto tried to do; when he got older, he hoped Nagi would forgive himself—something Toto hadn't done yet. But this would be a long journey for the two of them.
They'd get over this together because they had people that loved them.
Nagi had his mother.
And Toto had Ron.
They could do this; Toto saw his own reflection in the small boy. They weren't alone.
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