Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

A child is crying, a child is crying somewhere in the distance.
I can’t reach it, but I need to.
I need to protect him from this world.
My Harry, my dear Harry Potter.
My brother couldn’t protect you, but I will.
I am going to keep you safe.

A child is crying, a child is crying in the broom closet of a house.
A house, a house on Pivet Drive.
Pivet Drive number four to be exact.
Exact, exact, he lives with his aunt and uncle.
His aunt and uncle, they hate him.
Him is Harry, he is Harry Potter.
Harry Potter the famous orphan, the one with his mothers eyes.

His eyes pierce through his aunt’s soul every time she hurts him.
She hurts him, oh yes, even if it hurts her too.
She hates Harry, she hates him a lot.

And now there is a child crying, a child crying inside of a broom closet.
And it’s all his fault.

As I open my eyes I feel tired and cramped.
Waking up isn’t easy when you are like me, so I tend to avoid it.
But I can’t ignore the situation in front of me.
Harry Potter, a young child that has managed more than me, sits in front of me.
Yes he managed more than me because he escaped what has made me so transparent.
He is still in his flesh prison.
A prison, yes, he is a prisoner.
A prisoner in a broom closet, locked away out of mind and out of sight.

“Shh Harry.
Harry, my dear boy.
My boy you are safe now.
Now you are safe.
Safe because I am going to protect you.
Protect you, my child.
Child, I won’t leave your side again.
I won’t leave you because you are a child.
A child that doesn’t deserve to be hurt.
Hurt, I want you to never be hurt again.”

I kneel and want to hug him.
A hug is all I want, but I can not.
I explain to him in soft words.
Soft words that explain that I am not very alive anymore.
His eyes pierce through my soul.
My soul, the only thing I have left beside this bitter existence.
I exist, yes, but at what cost?
The cost of watching everything happen.
It happens but I can’t interfere.
Interference is bad, messes up the timeline.
A timeline I care barely about.
I do not care for anything except Harry.
Harry and maybe getting back at Dumbledore.
Dumbledore, that old man, he pushed me to this.
Pushed me just like he did to all the others.
Others even my brother, who is still among the living but is a prisoner as well.
A prisoner, wrongfully imprisoned by the man he admired.
He admired him, didn’t want to see reason nor see me.
See me, my lovely brother doesn’t want to see me.
Say their names and raise your wand for Dumbledore’s victims.
Marlene McKinnon
Edgar Bones
Gideon Perwet
Fabian Perwet
James Potter (my love)
Lily Potter
Benjy Fenwick
Dorcas Meadows
Emmeline Vance
Ariana Dumbledore
And finally me.
But he destroyed the lives of many more.

The door of the closet opens and a woman looks inside.
Inside she sees Harry but not me.
Thinking about death has made me sober up.
I am sober now, my thoughts seem clear.
The woman has Lily’s nose.
A nose, the only resemblance between the sisters.

The woman yells at Harry.
Harry, my boy, flinching.
My boy, I sound like good old Slughorn.
But he flinches, flinches like he knows what is coming.
Big arms grab his tiny frame.
His tiny frame is now being hit.
Being hit because he wet himself.
He wet himself whilst not being allowed to go inside the bathroom.
Cruel, cruel.

The boy is crying now.
There is a child crying, crying in the corridor.
But every cry is punished by a firm slap.
A slap he might forget but the wound will never heal.
Those wounds don’t heal, trust me, I know.
What once were my hands start to shake, what’s left of my face starts burning.
Burning hot, so hot.

Harry, my boy, I am as helpless as you are.
I can only observe, watch, while you suffer.
I can not interfere with the cruelty of the world.
I can not touch you, or anyone else for that matter.
A touch equals a shiver, nothing more.
A shiver is nothing compared to the hexes I want to inflict on the woman beating you.
The woman beating you is not kind, my boy.

But I am.
I am kind, Harry.
Harry, oh Harry my boy.
I am going to protect you in all the ways I can.
This world might fail you, but I won’t.
I will never.
I will not leave you.

Chapter Text

Two years come and go.
They go by but I don’t want them to.
I want to save Harry.
I need to save Harry.
No one looks out for him.
Not now, not ever.
I am here but I can’t help him.

He stares at me with his big green eyes.
Those big eyes I had too as a child.
As an abused child.
My mother was anything but kind.
But this is on another level.

Harry weeps and cries.
He cries as his cousin beats him until his bones are broken
He cries the whole time they take to heal.
I heal them with the little magic I have.
Magic is the only thing keeping him alive.
I have given him my magical core so he could survive.
Survive on accidental magic.
Risky but our only hope.

Harry cries as his uncle throws him against the floor.
“Pathetic”
“Weak”
“Freakish”
Words he hears day in, day out.
Words I know, words he knows.
“Kind”
“Brave”
“Ambitious”
Words I want him to hear.

Harry cries as he sees how tall people his age are.
Harry looks younger.
Harry looks fragile.
Harry looks broken.
He looks because he is.
Damaged to the core.
His core, even his magical one.
He can not grow if he isn’t fed.
Harry is slowly dying.
Dying without food.

Harry cries.
Harry cries as he sees his aunt and uncle hug his cousin.
Harry feels unloved, unlovable.
Unlovable even when I tell him that’s not true.
But what’s the truth when you can’t hug?
A hug, a long warm hug.
Something I can not give.

Harry cries as the words drill into his head.

Freak

Evil

Inhumane

Worthless

Unlovable

DIsgusting

Freakish

Ugly

Bastard

Thing

Weak

Powerless

Unkind

Dangerous

Too emotional

Half breed

Mistake

…

And the more Harry cries the more he believes
He believes because he is conditioned to do so
Do so as he is told.

Harry cries
Harry cries because he is failed by all adults.
“But your aunt is so kind”
“You are lucky your uncle took you in”
Adults ignore
Adults ignore because it is easier than to act
“What would others think?”
“Do you know what this could do to their reputation?”
Harry is failed because his uncle has money
Because his aunt has a spotless reputation
Harry is failed by all the adults around him
He is failed, yet he doesn’t know it.
He doesn’t know it because he doesn’ t know any better.

Harry cries,
Harry cries in the dark.
He is scared
Afraid
Afraid of what might happen
Afraid of what might come
And I can do nothing but watch.

I watch and I hate Albus Dumbledore
I teach Harry how to act like Tom
So that maybe he can survive
I hate Albus Dumbledore and deplore my brother
He still doesn’t talk to me
HE talks to no one
Harry, my brother and I
We all feel the same thing
Broken and hopeless
But now is not the day to give up
It’s never the time to give up
Not now, not ever

Harry cries

Chapter Text

Harry messed up today
He messed up bad
Luckily no magic was involved or otherwise
otherwise this bright but broken kid would. Have joined my brother.
My brother in his cold cell

Harry with a black eye
Harry with a broken rib
Harry my boy
You are so broken, so numb
So fragile yet so strong

9 years have passed since your parents died
8 huge scars are on your back
7 is the number of socks you own
6 is the hour you are woken up at
5 is the number of seconds that your uncle puts your hand on the hot stove if you burn something
4 months and your Hogwarts letter will come
3 seconds is all you have to run
2 horrible adults mistreat you
1 half dead soul is here for you
0 adults notice your pain

Vernon, the fat swine swinged toward Harry
Bacon burned for the 2nd time this month
Dudley whining
Petunia covering her eyes, looking pathetic
very pathetic

How can you let your husband do such things
and not interfere
She covers her eyes so she can say that she never saw her husband lay hands
Not because she doesn’t want to see it
She likes seeing him suffer
she tried to indoctrinate him
it didn’t work, I talked him out of it
out of it whilst he was staring in his cell under the stairs.

Harry black and bruised,
wobbling around all scared
Dudley laughs and laughs

Suddenly, the world starts spinning. Dudley stumbles backwards. Backwards, he is getting dangerously close to the open fireplace. The fire is crackling and the flames are dancing on this still cold morning in March. Petunia screams, Vernon grunts. Harry ducks and Dudley gets catapulted into the fire. He screams, everyone screams. Except for Harry, he gets all his belongings, just his clothes that he’s now wearing and his school bag.

Harry runs
Harry runs until his breath takes out
Harry is scared and runs as far away as his legs will carry him
His breathing becomes quicker
Unsteady
His legs feel tired and hurt
His head is spinning

Jump on that bus Harry
You don’t have to pay yet

Harry takes the bus
Says he’s going to visit his grandmother in the hospital
Harry doesn’t even know if he has a grandmother
Harry sits down
His heart pounding in his chest
He’s going to be punished very hard when the Dursleys find him
Dudley tripping is his fault after all
He’s scared

Harry stops at King’s Cross station
He walks inside and finds a little corner to hide in
He falls asleep on the cold floor.

Harry stays there for a while, stealing some food
He sneaks inside the bathrooms to drink some water
But not much
he’s used to starving

Harry sleeps on the cold floor
Ignoring the intercom and the drunk people fighting at night
No one is looking for him
No one cares
Yet the Boy who lived is slowly dying on a station floor

Harry is cold
Harry is hungry
And worse of all, Harry is alone
He’s all alone

Chapter Text

« What do you means, Albus? » She was angry, screaming at the person who once used to be her friend.
« Calm down Minerva! I don’t know where he is? Is that so bad? Maybe they went on a holiday or something. » He slams his firsts on the desk.
The phoenix yelps and moves over. He looks red whilst he looks at her. She looks pale and worried as she conjures a patronus and sais something to it as the cat runs off.
The angry headmaster sits down with an angry look as he expresses his dissapointement in his long time friend. She huffs. Grips her nightgown in her hands as her loosely braided hair messily falls around her face as her stern looking face crisps and her eyes fill with a sad spark. She’s angry but also so disappointed.
« The Dursleys are home, I know that. » She says whilst stealing her voice.
He looks up at her angry and yells.
« Are you out of your mind Minerva? Going behind my back to stalk the boy who lived? He is fine. I am sure of that. And maybe if you can’t obey me you should look at where you stand as a deputy headmistress. »
She smiles.
»You disappoint me so much Albus. I can’t believe I ever trusted you. If you want to fire me from my position as deputy headmistress, go ahead. But I will tell the entire wizarding world about the fact that you lost the boy who lived. And once I find him, I will destroy you with the evidence that he is being abused. And with that, I will bring you and your manipulation down. » She smirks.
He growls and looks at her with pure hatred.
« Fine stay then. But don’t forget about your oath. »
She smiles and laughs like a maniac, in a way that seems to be unlike her.
« Albus, you will leave me alone while I search for him. The oath is broken because he clearly doesn’t live with the Dursleys anymore. You will not interfere with his placement, you will ask for a trial for Sirius and you will step down as the executor of Lily and James Potter’s will. » She looks at him menacingly.
« My my, Minerva, acting like a Slytherin are we? How disgusting. But if you want to play it like that. Why would I do it? You can’t do anything. »
He says that in a matter of fact voice whilst she is fuming. She glares at him.
»Lucius Malfoy is a patronus away. He’ll be delighted to have someone else become headmaster in a heartbeat. And I am sure the Poppy, Pomona, Filius and Severus will be more than happy to kick you out if I tell them what I know. Don’t forget the oath you forced me to agree too. »
She turns around and walks away. « This conversation is over, Albus and so is any positive feeling I have ever felt towards you. »
She slams the door and walks through the cold stone corridors of the old castle which is Hogwarts.
She stays composed as she quickly walks trough the castle, and hurries outside the grounds as she vanishes.

A man is wincing at every movement. He’s making tea in a small cottage in Cornwall. He lives far from everyone and everything, scared of what they would think once they know him. He has scars on his face and he limps as his leg bleeds trough his pants. His arms tremble slightly, he is skinny and weak. He looks like a broken man. His fingers fumble with the kettle and the cup. His pale complexion making him look like a ghost. His house is a mess, he has given up on life a long time ago. A cup falls down on the floor of the small cottage.
« Fuck »
That’s all he manages to say. He says it often. But now his curse word is followed by a quiet « Reparo » as the cup becomes who again he can’t help but wish he could do the same with his broken heart.
He has not managed to pick up his cup as someone knocks on the door, making him almost drop the cup again.
He slowly and painfully ales his way towards the front door. Limping and stepping over piles of stuff on the floor. He opens the door without pointing his wand at whoever is outside. He doesn’t care what happens to him anymore. As he looks outside he sees an imposing woman standing outside in the stormy weather. The sea outside is agitated and the trees seem to move so much that he wonders if they secretly switch places.
When the woman sees him, full of blood and pale, he knows that her heart breaks. « Oh Merlin, Remus. You look like you have been trough hell. May I come in, I need to speak with you. » The man hears the concealed anger in his old professor’s voice. He awkwardly and painfully moves to the side as he lets his professor in. She takes one look at the place, and cleans it with a rapid wand movement. Then she supports him as he limps towards the worn leather armchair.
« Let me heal your wounds, Remus. My mother heart can’t handle seeing you in this state. » She kneels down next to him, slower than she used to, she’s older now and looks at his scarred face. She blinks a tear away as she slowly lifts the bottom of his pants to see his bloody ankles.
« Forgive me for the fact that I am not as good as Poppy at this. » She says with a tight smile as warm energy shoots out of her wand and heals his injuries. She doesn’t judge him, not before not now that he starts to cry in her arms. A student former student crying in his arms, broken in a way that makes her feel bad for not doing something sooner.
When he stops, she takes out some food out of her extendable bag and hands it to him. He wolfs it down, litterally and then looks at her with a flash of anger.
»What does he want now from me, Minerva? »
She sighs, transfigures the coffee table into a comfortable armchair and sits down.
« I am here on my own. With no ties to Albus at all. »
He raises an eyebrow as he doesn’t believe her.
« He has lost Harry. Doesn’t know where he is. I have a feeling that I might know but I need to know if I can bring him here after I find him. »
He huffs and then smiles.
« So you are defying him? Finally. What made you switch to the neutral side? »
She looks at him sternly.
« Harry is no longer at the Dursley’s which means that my oath has been dissolved. »
He nobs.
« Do what you have to do Minerva. But be careful. »
»I will. But don’t worry. I have enough dirt on him and I am holding Lucius Malfoy above his head. I also have his relationship with Grindlewald. But I am scared to use that. » She plays with a white wedding ring, similar to the silver one she used to wear around her neck. The man nobs understandingly. He clears his throat and stands up.
« I will see you later then. »
She stands up and walks towards the door.
« You will »