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Chapter Text

Concrete dust and debris blew into Harley’s cell at Belle Reve penitentiary as the wall beside it exploded into pieces.  

She stumbled backwards from her espresso machine, gawking as men in SWAT gear stormed in through the gaping hole left behind, guns a’ blazing.

Hurriedly, she hunkered down next to her cot to avoid getting shot, all while wondering what the fuck was going on.  

She hadn't done anything to piss anyone off lately… had she?

She’d been, or at least she’d tried to be, on her best behavior since being forced to stop that witch lady a few months ago.

...but okay, maybe that wasn’t entirely true.

Technically, there had been that one tiny incident last week, where she’d bitten off that guard's ear?

She hadn’t been trying to start anything, but then he just calls her a bitch with daddy issues out of nowhere. What was she supposed to do?

There was only one person in the whole world that Harley let talk to her that way, but he was gone…

…

Thankfully, she was too busy shielding her eyes from the sparks raining all over her cell to dwell on that thought for too long. Although lord knew, Joker’s death had consumed her since she’d returned to Belle Reve, and probably would until the day she died in the fucking place.

She looked up as the grinder cutting through the lock on her door stopped, then slowly, she stood at the same time a lone figure strode in.  

They stared. 

She stared back.  

She figured this had to be some kind of test Waller had cooked up, or hell, maybe it was some other psycho wanting to kidnap her and force her to do some other shit she didn’t want to do. Either way, she was bracing herself for a fight that just never came.  

Right when she was calculating where and how hard she’d have to kick this asshole in the ribs to break them, he reached up and peeled the gas mask off his face.

When that happened, she froze dead.

No.

No, no, no, she thought.

How?

Harley couldn’t breathe.

Standing before her was a person that looked like her Joker – even gave her that same little crooked grin that he did, but how could that be?

He came towards her, and Harley hesitated not knowing what to do.

It had to be another hallucination. She’d seen the chopper go down with him in it herself. With her own two eyes. So this couldn't be him.

...but what if it was?

What if somehow he survived?

God she wanted that to be true.

And maybe it was.

What's the worst that could happen anyway? She would wind up eating a face full of bars trying to embrace her imaginary ex-lover? Pshh, that was nothing.

And on that note, fuck it, she declared, leaping forward and throwing her arms around his neck.

She was shocked when she actually hit a solid body, then she immediately burst into tears.

“Puddin'! Oh my god," she cried into his neck. "I thought you was dead."

Meanwhile, Joker hugged her back, relieved to, even if his face didn’t show it.

At the moment, he looked just like what he was, a man who had slayed so many dragons, and been through so much hell to get to that point that he was gonna need a couple of stiff drinks and a few more murders under his belt before he could relax and enjoy it. 

“Let’s go home,” he said, then lead her out of the cell.

30 Minutes Later

Harley held onto the hand bar in the chopper watching black smoke curl into the night sky from the west corner of Belle Reve, looking like a portal from hell had opened up on the ground.

She stood next to Joker, watching the prison burn below them. It should have been a happy moment, but instead, it felt bittersweet.

She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye again, seeing he still had that sadistic smirk on his face. Nothing unusual. But, she had been under the impression she had pissed him off enough times to have seen all the shades of his rage. Well, tonight, she had gotten introduced to a new one, and instead of it being kinda hot and sexy like all the others, this was one of the ones that were kind of scary and annoying.

He didn’t even let her help like she normally would have when they were destroying the prison on their way out. Instead, she was forced to stick to Jonny and his goons, like some kind of helpless princess in a tower while they had all the fun. That had pissed her off.

There were some guards she would’ve liked to have bashed open herself, not to mention, he had ignored all her pleas to help her friends escape, although she knew that one was a long shot. She couldn't help it. She liked those people, and they had saved the world together. Now she didn’t know if they were alive or dead. She hoped they were alive, especially Deadshot, knowing how much he seemed to love his daughter and wanted to do right by her. But as usual, Joker just bulldozed through everything in his path. Harley didn’t want to sound ungrateful or nothin', but it just made her sad that he never seemed to listen to her.

She turned away from the light show with a sigh, towards the inner hull of the chopper where she got another surprise.

She raised an eyebrow when she saw a guy she didn’t recognize sitting next to Jonny. Under normal circumstances, she wouldn’t have paid him any attention, but since he was holding a blue bag with a red cross on it which meant medical, trembling to death with a busted lip and a black eye, she had some questions.  

“Uh, Puddin’, who’s that?” She asked Joker, tipping her head in the guy’s direction. 

Joker looked up from surveying the fruits of his labor, still in his swat gear - minus the helmet. 

“Well, that’s your ticket to freedom, doll.” He smirked. “That thing in your neck isn’t just a bomb, its also a tracker, which means it’s gotta come out if we don’t want that cunt Waller following us.” 

“Oh.” Harley reached up and touched her neck, smiling nervously at the words, ‘come out.’

“Uh…yeah, but Puddin’...if it’s disarmed already, do we really have to do all that?” She asked, chuckling warily.

Joker’s smirk immediately morphed into a glare.

“Well, sure, Harley. If you wanna sit around and hope they don’t re-arm it and blow your fucking head off sometime down the line.” 

He stared at her like she was an idiot, and she cringed and whined softly as he came towards her and grabbed her by the elbow.

“Ohhhh,” she pouted, as she was forced over to the bench seat knowing what was coming. “But J, I don’t want to get cut open at this altitude,” she cried.

Joker sighed.

“Look, honey. It’s been a very long day, okay? So why don’t you just be a good girl for me, and don’t make this hard,” he growled, making her sit.

“Yeah, but I don’t—” 

She instantly shut up as he gave her one of those looks. One that said he was so far beyond not being in the mood she better not argue.

Harley huffed as he let go of her and then stalked over to the guy she assumed was a doctor or a nurse, or somebody qualified to be cutting her open, and snatched him up by the shirt and drug him to his feet.

She brought her arms up to protect herself as he shoved the man towards her, making him fall into the seat. Harley's spine stiffened further when a scalpel fell out of his bag. 

“Baby,” Harley looked up at Joker again, knowing she was pushing it, but she really didn’t want to do this. “Can we please talk about this?” 

“No!” Joker snapped. “Goddamn it, Harley. Just shut the fuck up and let this bastard remove the explosives he put in your neck before I kill both of you!” 

Harley huffed and whimpered some more, staring at the doctor now. He seemed absolutely terrified, and she couldn’t blame him. The likelihood of him surviving this even if he did a good job was pretty slim. She squeaked and grabbed Joker's shirt as the chopper jerked slightly to the left and turbulence rattled the hull. Wind howled through the open door, and she started to sweat. There was a reason she became a psychiatrist instead of a surgeon, despite how much she liked seeing brains all over her baseball bat. As soon as the doctor came at her with a needle she shrank away towards Joker.

“Puddin’, please can’t this wait till we’re on the ground?” She pleaded with him. “We’re all bumpy and movin around up here.’

Joker gritted his teeth and ran a hand through his hair.

“Look.” He grabbed her face hard, eyes boring down into hers with cold fury. “That thing’s a leash. You think I’m gonna let you stay leashed to anyone other than me?”  

“No, baby.” She pouted and rested her hand on his arm. “I just... you know, it’s gonna hurt, that’s all.” 

Instead of comforting her though, Joker just knitted his non-existent eyebrows like she was a dumb little child scared of the Easter Bunny. 

“Well, I’ll tell you one thing, doll. It’s gonna hurt a lot fucking worse if I have to hold you down and rip it out myself. Is that what you want?” He asked.

“Ohhh.”  Harley deflated. “No.” 

“Then sit fucking still.”  

She sighed and puckered her lips sadly.

The doctor moved towards her again. This time she reluctantly turned her head so he could have access to her neck though, grabbing Joker’s hand and pressing her face into his abdomen. He rolled his eyes, but rested his free hand on her head.

“Don’t screw it up!” He barked at the guy.

The man nodded profusely. Harley tensed as antiseptic was smeared over her skin.

From there, it all happened fast—too fast. 

The guy seemed to know what he was doing, but like every other sane person on the planet, the pressure of having his every move watched and scrutinized by her maniac boyfriend had him fumbling around and in a hurry. As a result, the anesthetic barely kicked in before he sliced into her, and she cried out, squeezing Joker’s fingers tight as her face twisted in pain. 

Joker looked on like the devil had possessed his body, but said nothing while blood trickled down her neck, warm and thick, then there was a white-hot, nerve-burning tug as metal dug into her flesh. The tracker was pulled free—just a tiny thing the size of a tic tac, and yet it felt like her neck had been ripped wide open. 

 As soon as the bomb hit the metal tray, Joker ripped himself away from her, not even letting the guy dress her wound before he lost it again in a blinding rage.

He grabbed the doctor by the shirt, picked up the bloody bite-sized bomb up off the tray and shoved it into the guy’s mouth, making him swallow it. After that, he reared back and kicked him square in the chest which sent him sailing through the open door of the chopper where Jonny was waiting holding the detonator. Joker took it and looked out the door, although it was dark and he couldn’t see well. He waited until he thought the guy had tumbled far enough away before he hit the button, and then there was a small flicker of an explosion as the guy popped apart like a piñata in the air, and that was that.

Jonny latched the door closed and returned to the cockpit. For a minute, silence reigned except for the roar of the helicopter blades overhead. Joker composed himself, and then turned back to Harley, but by that time, she was already plenty pissed herself and holding a gauze pad to her bleeding neck. 

“You fucking asshole,” she snapped at him. 

Joker blinked.

“Excuse me?!” He glared. “A thank you would suffice, sweetheart,” he snarled, coming to sit down next to her. 

“Thank you?!” 

She backhanded him in the chest with her arm. 

“You just had him cut open my neck like a piece of fresh fuckin’ fruit, J, and then you kill him before he can stitch it up?!” 

“Harley!” Joker sounded out her name in a warning, grabbing her arms to keep her from hitting him. "It had to be done. Stop being a fucking brat!" 

“Fuck you!” She spat, jerking out of his grasp, suddenly not giving a shit that he’d rescued her or that he was alive. “Don’t touch me.” 

She turned away from him, and Joker just stared at her with his mouth slightly open, in disbelief at the amount of disrespect she was displaying. He grabbed her arm and twisted her back.

“What the fuck is your problem?!” He yelled.

“What the fuck do you think?!” She yelled back, shoving him again, wincing at the pain in her neck.

Tears filled her eyes. Joker cringed and watched her while something that might have been guilt crawled into his chest.

But what the fuck could he possibly have done wrong here? He had no idea. He had just saved her life, hadn’t he? Surely she should be thanking him instead of yelling at him?

He looked forward confused, and then glared some more, muttering to himself as he swiped up the medical bag off the floor. His mind whirling.

After all the shit he just went through to get her out of that goddamn hell hole, nearly dying himself in the process, and this is the thanks that he gets? On second thought, maybe he should just throw her out of the fucking chopper right now to and be done with it once and for all. But he knew he wouldn’t do that, or more like he couldn’t.

A wave of anger washed over him and he ripped open the zipper on the bag and shit went flying everywhere. 

That was the most infuriating part about all this, and her. The reason she was never supposed to be a part of the plan, because things like this wound up happening. What he feared the most.

He couldn’t eat. He couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t believe it. 

While she was gone – six fucking months - he turned into some heartbroken needy pathetic loser. Tore apart half the fucking east coast looking for her. Murdered his own men in distress. Lost money because he was so distracted trying to find her, only to be sitting here now with her sassing him because she had to get a little fucking cut on her neck? All so he could make sure someone didn’t blow her up?

Fuck. 

He knew he had to be losing it. That, or he was just this fucking stupid. Because if anyone else had acted like this, he would’ve gunned them down, and yet here he was, letting her get away with things she had no business getting away with.

He sighed and clenched his jaw, pulling out more anesthetic from the bag and a few other supplies he could use to finish fixing her up, since yeah, fine, maybe he should have let that fucking moron finish bandaging her before he killed him, but he just got so angry.

When he thought about all these people who had been touching her and doing god knows what else—ordering her around in his absence, acting like she belonged to them. Well, it had been enough to make him set a federal black site on fire, hadn’t it? Not the best fucking idea he’d ever had, that’s for sure. But once he got there and saw how they had her caged up like Hannibal Lector, he just couldn’t think straight. She was always doing that to him. 

He huffed out of his nose and tried to calm down so he could try to fix this, or at least stop her bitching and crying, but then he saw her giving him evil looks and it made it that much harder.

Neither of them said anything as he reached up to remove her hand from her neck so he could see what he was dealing with, but then Harley decided to get cute and pull away at the last second. Joker let out a slow and dangerous laugh, cause it was better than the alternative of smacking the shit out of her.

“Just stop.” He said, meaning it as threat more than a suggestion, but apparently, she didn’t catch on.

He reached up again to the gauze pad, and she literally smacked his hand away, sending the lidocaine syringe in it flipping out and onto the floor. Joker saw the red before he could even think about it, and grabbed her arm and slammed it down between them.

“Stop.” He growled, scowling at her menacingly.

Harley grunted in pain and started crying again as he bent over to pick up the needle that had fallen to the floor, scratching the back of his head as more guilt spread through him.  

“Just sit still,” he almost pleaded. “Why are you making this so hard?” 

She finally went quiet as he peeled back the gauze pad, but as usual, not for long. 

“So, what? You gonna pretend to care and play doctor now, J?” she asked, chuckling and sniffling.

“Just shut up, Harley.” Joker popped the cap off the lidocaine and brought it up to her neck. 

He slid the tip into her skin next to the incision as gently as he could manage, but Harley still hissed as it burned a hundred times worse going in than when the doctor had done it.

“Ow.” 

“It’s not that bad,” Joker murmured, inspecting her neck.  

And that was the truth. 

In reality, it was just a tiny fucking cut that was moderately bleeding, something somebody like her who claimed to not mind the pain should’ve shrugged off, but as usual, she felt like being a drama queen.  

The words ‘I’m sorry’ flittered into the forefront of his mind before he drowned them. They sat there, waiting for the anesthetic to kick in while Harley rubbed her arm.

“What?” She glared, when she saw him staring at her.  

Joker shook his head, cause this was not the kind of reunion he’d been expecting or wanted.

He leaned forward to press a small kiss to her jaw where her ‘rotten’ tattoo was as a peace offering, and she frowned at all his mixed messages.

"Feel this?" He asked, brushing his thumb up and down along her neck next to the incision. 

"No,” Harley muttered. 

He nodded and reached down to the alcohol pads, gauze, and tape in his lap, using them to clean her wound. He put a couple butterfly stitches on her cut and covered it up with a gauze pad and a few strips of tape, then leaned over and kissed her softly.

“There. Now I don’t want to hear any more bitching,” he said.

She frowned and reached up to feel her neck again.

It was numb, so at least it didn’t hurt anymore, unlike her arm, but it felt like he did a good job with the bandages.

She stared at the floor sadly, since the last thing she wanted to do after finding out he was alive was fight with him, even though that’s all they did. Adrenaline and emotions were putting them on edge, at least that’s what she told herself.

“I don’t wanna fight.” She looked over.

“Right. After you already did.” Joker stared at her from where he was sitting sideways on the bench seat facing her.

“I’m sorry.”  She slowly leaned forward and slipped her arms around his neck.

She pulled herself closer into his lap, melting against his body like she was trying to merge with him. Joker sighed and brought his arms around her.

“I still can’t believe you’re alive,” she whispered, shakily.

“Well, you should know it’s going to take more than that to kill me, Harley," Joker replied.

She smiled a watery smile and clenched her fist in the back of his shirt.

 “I missed you so much. I’m so glad you’re okay.” 

Joker sat there uncomfortably while she cried into his neck and clung to him.

Because okay?

That was an interesting word to describe it.

He’d just torched a federal black site which was the opposite of the plan they’d spent two weeks putting together, and all because he got emotional over how she was being treated, and the fact they'd taken her from him in the first place. He didn’t consider that okay, but rather stupid and reckless. Not only that, but in general he just felt more unglued than usual. And now all he could think about was the next step to this and how he could make sure it didn’t happen again. 

Arkham was one thing. They could break each other out of there all day long. But for someone to hide her away somewhere where he couldn’t find her? That was a whole different game – one he didn’t want to play again. And this was the reason letting her into his life had been the dumbest decision he ever made. But it wasn't like he didn't try to make her go away – so many fucking times - but she just kept coming back and would not take no for an answer. She was like the fucking Terminator like that. Her devotion to him was something he hated, loved, and respected all at once. She saw what she wanted – him - and she took it.

He didn't know why the fuck she wanted him though.

It wasn't like he was the picture perfect boyfriend she probably deserved. But she had given up everything to be with him - her career, and her so-called normal life - done everything he asked and passed every test, including jumping into the fucking acid which he had not been expecting her to go through with. In return, she wanted nothing but his time and affection, although he rarely gave her those either.

He was crazy and a terrible human being. He knew that, but for some reason she loved and wanted him anyway. 

So, what the fuck was he supposed to do with all of that? 

Not come for her? 

Punish her? 

No.

You didn’t punish someone for that kind of loyalty. And she was fiercely loyal.

She’d secured her spot by his side even if he hadn't always wanted her there, but that didn’t make it any easier. 

Maybe he loved her and maybe he didn’t. He was still trying to figure that out, although he didn’t think he would have gone through all this shit if he didn’t.

At the very least, he could admit that he liked having her around – sometimes. Even though she frustrated the absolute piss out of him with her constant disobedience and that damn mouth of hers, but he could handle all that. What he couldn’t handle, was anyone trying to take away what was his, or use it as a weak spot in his armor, because that’s what Harley was, no matter how capable she was on her own.

Somebody was always plotting something in their world, like Waller and this shit at the prison he just had to deal with. He had no doubt all the other snakes back home were watching this and taking notes right now on the lengths he’d gone to.

Some it would ward away from doing anything stupid, but others trying to make a name for themselves would do the exact opposite, and he had to be ready. He always had to be ready. You didn’t get to running the biggest criminal organization in Gotham by not growing eyes in the back of your head. Stack that on top of Waller and her little metahuman science experiments now - snatching people off the streets trying to build her own little army, and how the fuck was he supposed to keep Harley from winding up in another box somewhere? He owed her that much at least. He thought she was safe just by his reputation alone, but they’d still gotten to her. So what if next time they sent her even farther away and he never found her again? 

He didn't like that thought. Not at all. 

In fact, it made him want to hurt more people, starting with that bitch Waller.

“Puddin’ pay attention to me." Harley pushed his shoulder when she saw he wasn’t listening to a thing she was saying, and now she could see it was because he was gone, lost inside the black hole of his mind he went to sometimes.

She leaned in to kiss him instead. Joker snapped right out of it and grabbed her and kissed her back, rough and possessive, like always. Harley groaned as heat rolled through her body at the sensation she thought she'd never experience again. Slowly her hand snaked up and slid into his hair, making it spill forward.

Joker purred next to her ear.

"If you ever pull some shit like that again, I will fucking kill you Harley. Do you understand? You don’t leave my sight from now on. And you don’t go anywhere unless it’s with me or Jonny. Things just went to a whole other level, and I can’t have you walking around Gotham not paying attention and winding up in another fucking swamp somewhere.”

He went on to kissing her neck casually, like he hadn't just threatened her. Harley blinked, because it was always such a steep jump from him making her want to strip off her clothes one minute to then making her want to stab him the next for his narcissistic bullshit. She had to have time to catch up.

"What the fuck are you talking about?” She glared, reluctantly pushing him back. “I didn’t leave on purpose, and I was with you when I got taken.”  

"So what?" Joker frowned. "You’re saying this is my fault?" 

Harley arched an eyebrow. “Well, not exactly. But I am saying that you left me in the fucking water, did you not?" 

"I thought you were right behind me." 

"How the hell can I be right behind you when I can’t swim, Puddin’?” Harley asked, flatly. “I said it loud and clear, and shouldn’t you know that from the acid bath we took?"  

"Look!" Joker narrowed his gaze. "I’m just telling you that some things are gonna change." 

"Yeah? Why? And like what?" Harley challenged him. 

"Why?" Joker chuckled. “Are you serious? Don’t be fucking stupid, Harley." 

"Don’t fucking call me stupid!” She shoved him. “Or I swear I'm going to ice your ass while you sleep.” 

Joker burst into a fit of giggles.

"Well, prison really got you riled all up, huh? You better not miss, doll, that’s all I gotta fucking say.” He glared at her furiously. "This is the way it has to be." 

“Yeah, I’m sure.” Harley rolled her eyes. “It’s always nice trading one cell for another.”

Joker made a face. 

"Yeah, baby. You got it so bad, don't you? I give you every fucking thing that you want, Harley, and you do whatever you want, or at least you did." 

"Yeah, except spend time with you Joker.”

“Jesus christ.” Joker groaned.

He'd had her back an hour and already she was nagging him.

"Well, you know what? Your dreams just might come true sweetheart, because thanks to our little prison break here, we’re going to be laying low for a few weeks before heading back to Gotham." 

“Why?” Harley asked, fussing with the shoulder pad on his swat outfit.

“Gee, I don’t know, maybe because we ain’t in Gotham and that was a fucking federal building?”

“So wait, you mean like a vacation?” She smiled after a second.

Joker chuckled again. 

"No, baby, if it’s anything, it’s going to be a fucking bootcamp so I can whip your ass back into shape. You’ve obviously been away from me for too long." 

“God. Whatever." Harley groaned and slumped against him, rolling her eyes. "I just want to take a shower."

“A shower?" Joker snarled. "Did you hear anything that I just fucking said?" 

"Yes, J.” Harley sighed. “I heard your little ego trippy shit, but if you try to tell me I can’t shower you really have lost it. I’d like to shave my legs properly without getting razor burn, you know? It was near impossible only having lukewarm water on a 7-minute timer for the last six months.” 

Joker blinked and shook his head.

“Harley, do I look like I give one fuck about whether you could shave your fucking legs or not?" He snapped.

She shrugged.

“Well, I bet you’ll care later on tonight when you’re trying to feel all over them, now won’t you?" She replied, glaring.

“No.” Joker said, glaring back. “Now get the fuck off me.”

“What? Why?” She pouted and clutched him closer.

“Because you’re scrambling my brain with your goddamn nonsense.” He sneered.

"But you like my nonsense." Harley smiled and kissed his cheek.

He responded by scooting her off him, then he went up to the cockpit aggravated.

Jonny didn’t even need to be asked when he saw him coming.

“Ten minutes, Boss.”

"Fine." Joker growled, gripping the shoulder of the back of the seat, squeezing it.

He stared out into the night sky through the cockpit window, then glanced back at Harley again to find her lounging like she was on a fucking cruise ship now instead of a tactical extraction chopper. She was all spread out along the bench seat with her jumpsuit half-zipped, humming to herself while she inspected her nails. 

My god it’s going to be a long two weeks, he thought.

Chapter Text

When they got to the safehouse, Harley had no idea where they were, and frankly, she didn’t care.  

All she wanted was a hot bath, a decent meal, and a real bed to sleep in all curled up next to Joker, although he was avoiding her already.

Maybe sex, too, if they could get along for the two seconds it would take to get to that.  

But those fantasies started to unravel the moment the chopper touched down and she peered out the window. She saw nothing but trees, trees, and more trees surrounding them, and paranoia hit her like lightning. 

She watched the boys calmly gather their gear like this was normal. Like they just made pit stops in the middle of the damn woods all the time and it was nothing to be concerned about, but she wasn’t buying it.

“What the fuck are we doing out here?" She asked Joker as he was about to jump out of the chopper into the pitch black night and go off into who the fuck knew where. 

"Uh, it’s where the safehouse is?" Joker frowned, hopping out into the grassy clearing. 

Jonny followed, but Harley stayed put. 

"Right. In the middle of nowhere where there’s no witnesses huh?” She let them know she was onto them.

Joker shot her an irritated, yet confused glare, slinging a duffel over his shoulder full of guns and ammo. “Yeah. That’s the whole point, ain’t it? Now come on.”  

He walked off with Jonny towards the trail that would take them to the safe house, fully expecting her to follow. It wasn’t until Jonny kept stopping and looking behind them that Joker realized she was in fact, not.  

“I don’t think she’s coming, boss,” Jonny said. 

“What?” Joker snapped, turning around.

He held up his wand light. 

Sure enough, Harley was MIA.  

“Harley! Let’s go! Now!” He barked across the clearing.

“No,” Harley yelled back.  

“I swear to god…" Joker clenched his jaw. "Get the fuck out here, now!”  

“No!”

He looked at Jonny, who said absolutely nothing.

“Do you fucking believe this?” He laughed psychotically, shrugging off the duffel with a growl, handing it over, his blood boiling beneath his pasty skin. 

“Just take this to the cabin,” he said, already clodding back towards the chopper, “I’ll be there in a minute.”  

“Sure thing, boss.” 

Back at the chopper, Harley pulled her knees up to her chest and frowned nervously when she heard Joker’s footsteps outside. She knew he was gonna be mad, but what did he expect her to do? Go willingly to her own death? She said she would die for him, but she also figured that would be while she was having to save him somehow – protecting him, not this.

“What about in the fuck are you doing?!” He yelled at her as soon as he appeared in the doorway. 

“This don’t feel right, Puddin!” Harley replied, frowning.

“What don’t feel right?”  

“This! Being in the middle of the woods!”  

“How many times do I have to tell you it’s where the fucking safe house is?!”  

“Why out here though?!” 

“Because it was close to the prison so I could figure out how to break you out?!”  

“You’ve been staying out here?!”  

“Yes!” 

“By yourself?!”  

“No! Not all the time! Jonny and some of the guys were here. What the fuck does it matter, Harley? You act like I brought you out here to kill you or something!"  

Harley paused and raised an eyebrow, since he hit the nail on the head.

“Did you?” 

“Did I what?!” 

“Bring me out here to kill me?!” 

Joker stared at her.

“Are you fucking serious right now?!”  

“Well, you gotta admit it’s a little bit suspicious, Joker." Harley chewed her lip. "We ain’t exactly country bumpkins here.”  

“So you think that I spent the last six months searching for you, planning two rescue missions, one of which I got burned and almost died in, all so I could bring you out here and bury you next to a goddamn squirrel’s nest?!” 

She huffed.

“Well, it’s gonna sound stupid when you put it like that."

“Because it is stupid, Harley.” Joker fumed. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you off your meds or something?”  

“I don’t see what that has to do with it."

“Maybe because you get insanely fucking paranoid when you aren't on them?”

She crossed her arms.

“You know, somehow I don’t think it’s because I’m not on my meds that I’m paranoid, but more so to do with how you’ve dragged me out here and said on the way over several times you wanted to, and or were actually going to kill me, J.”

“Yeah, it’s a fucking figure of speech, doll!” 

“Says the guy that killed about a hundred people today, and pushed someone out of the chopper and blew them up.” 

“Yeah! People! Not you! And that fucker had it coming, don’t you think? For putting a goddamn bomb in your neck?!!” 

He tilted his head and looked at her sideways, trying to figure out if she was serious, because this was just so absurd to him. When he realized again that she was, he scrunched up his face.

“Baby, if I wanted you dead, you’d already be dead, trust me, okay? I wouldn’t have to try this hard. I could’ve just left you in there and let them take care of it for me.”  

“Oh, well that’s nice to know you thought about it.” Harley glared at him.

Joker groaned.

“I didn’t say I thought about it—other than just now when I’m having to debunk your fucking lunacy.” He chuckled, tiredly.

“Fine.” Harley sprung up out of her seat and stalked out of the chopper, pushing past him. “We’ll just ignore that this is playing out like most horror movies start. Everything is just fine!” 

She walked out into the field going completely the wrong direction and Joker shook his head, at a loss.

“Where the fuck are you going?” He asked.

“What?” Harley barked. "You want to go so bad, let's go."

He sighed.

“Okay, but that's the wrong way.” 

“Then which way is it, Columbo?!” She snarled at him and whipped around, throwing up her hands. 

Joker broke into a smirk then, he couldn’t help it. “Well, like I said, it ain’t that way, Holmes.”  

“God you’re fucking stressing me out.” She started stalking back the other way.

Joker chuckled and grabbed her hand as she walked by.  

“Why don’t you just calm down,” he said.

“No, how about you fucking calm down! You been yelling at me since we got on the chopper.” She tried to rip her hand away, but he held onto it.

“No, I'm trying to keep you safe. You’re the one fightin' me every step of the way. This ain’t a fucking game, you know? This is serious shit.Yeah, the bomb thing might’ve been rushed, but what part of it being a GPS locator are you not getting? You think I would’ve done that if time wasn’t a factor? And now you think I want to kill you?”

He frowned at her, but she just stared off with her jaw clenched and tears brewing in her eyes.

“Can we just get to this place? Wherever it is?” She asked, voice wavering.

Joker’s shoulders slumped.

"Fine." He let go of her hand and started walking in the correct direction. She followed him quietly with an arm wrapped around herself. He scrubbed a hand over his face and through his hair.

Neither of them said anything as they entered the woods where it was blacker than black. Bugs started to swarm them, flocking to the light Joker held, but he just kept looking over at Harley because she was being so quiet and once again, he felt bad.

It wasn’t like he was wanted to yell at her, she just got so distracted by meaningless shit during the worst times, and he had no patience for that.

They walked down a hill and crossed a crick, then rounded a final bend in the trail where the trees opened up and the safe house came into view – correction: giant mansion.

“This is the place???” Harley said, stopping.

Joker raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah...what?" He muttered. "Did you think we were going to stay in a one room cabin with no electricity or something?”

“No,” Harley replied, even though that’s exactly what she’d been thinking for some reason, or at least a slightly upgraded version of that. She should have known better. “I thought you said this wasn’t a vacation?” 

Joker shrugged.

“It ain't, technically, but that don’t mean we gotta stay in some dump. I wouldn’t do that to either of us."

She frowned.

“Well, I wouldn’t have minded as long as you was there, Puddin’” 

Joker snorted.

"Harley, you just thought I was going to kill you five minutes ago.

She sighed.

“Well, I’m sorry, baby.” She grabbed his hand and looked up at him apologetically. "But sometimes you scare me a little."

Joker rolled his eyes.

"Why would you even think that?" 

"I don't know," she came over to hug him.

Joker hugged her back but stared slightly wounded out into the distance.

"Please just take your meds once we get in the house. Thank god I brought them."

"I will." She leaned up to kiss him, stroking back his hair. "I love you." 

He hummed and they kept walking.

“It’s quiet out here," Harley said, since she could hear nothing but crickets.

“I know, I kind of like it.” Joker replied.

“You do?” She smirked.

“Yeah, I can actually hear myself think," Joker murmured.

He almost made a comment about how now that she was here that was probably over, but since she was being all sensitive and crying every two seconds, he didn't.

“You thinking of trading the city life for the wild life?” She asked, teasingly.  

“Let’s not get carried away.” He laced their fingers and pulled her to the clearing.

They walked out of the woods and started across the long yard past a ring of chairs sitting around a firepit. Harley could not stop staring at the house. They had a big place back in Gotham to, but it was nowhere near the size of this. This thing was four stories high, with wrap around porches on the first and second floors, and golden light shining through all the little windows. She saw Jonny sitting on some patio furniture on the main deck when they reached it. Joker hopped up and vaulted the wooden railing instead of going all the way around to take the stairs, offering her his hand after and she did the same.

Once the three of them were on the deck, they migrated to the door and Joker unlocked it and pushed her inside first. 

“Wow. This place is gorgeous,” Harley smiled.  

Joker smirked a little, cause it was pretty bright and cozy and for some reason he was hoping she would like it. 

Light bounced all around the knotty pine walls, except for the towering fireplace that was a collection of stones that went straight up to the vaulted ceiling. There was a brown leather wrap around couch that sat in front of a coffee table that was made out of a big tree slab, and looked like someone just glued the limbs on for legs. Beyond that there was a big dining room table and chairs also made out of minimally processed tree parts. One wall had a cut out that let you see into the kitchen, and a giant TV hung above the fireplace. There were pictures of animals and landscapes hanging everywhere. Statues of bears and wolves carved out of wood. Harley smirked upon seeing the bear skinned rug in front of the fire place, remembering what Joker had said to her the first time he attempted to rescue her, which made her wonder if he brought that shit with him.

“All of your stuff is upstairs, babe, so why don’t you go take your shower so Jonny and I can talk before he leaves?” Joker said.

“At this hour?” Harley turned to Jonny. “Where ya goin?” 

Jonny just smiled. 

“Harley,” Joker said, glaring at her.   

“What?” She frowned at him. "I was just asking.”  

“I know, but you don’t need to worry about it.” 

“Fine.” She moved toward the stairs. “How do I even know what room it is?”  

“You’ll know it when you see it. Why don’t you take your time and give yourself the grand tour,” he said, hinting she should stay lost for awhile. 

“Yeah, yeah. I get it.” She muttered, and continued up the steps.  

Once she was gone, Joker went straight to the bar and made himself a scotch, 'cause fuck knows he needed one. He downed the whole thing before pouring another, offering Jonny some but he declined, then he sighed and went to the tv and switched the input to the security feed. 

“I’m about to go back with you. Fucking christ.” He said as he ran a hand through his hair. 

Jonny smiled as Joker set his drink on the coffee table and started to take off some of his swat gear.  

“Ditch the chopper,” he said, throwing a shoulder plate onto the recliner. “Burn it to the bolts.”  

“Already meeting a guy at dawn, boss. No one’s finding it.”  

“Good. Now what’s going on back home? Give me the fast and dirty version before you skidaddle on out of here.”  

Jonny pulled out his phone and started scrolling through texts. 

“GCPD raided one of our labs last night. East Narrows.”  

“Which one?”  

“The one with the Chaos Dust.”  

Joker shook his head.

“We really need a better name for that... Fucking hell. I told them not to flash that shit on the streets. It’s a psychological weapon, not a party favor.”  

“Too late. Some brat posted a meltdown video on YouTube. It’s viral now. Over a million views.”  

“Gotta love free advertising. What else?”  

“Penguin is sniffing around Hacienda again. Real subtle. Sent a crew down trying to book a VIP booth.”  

“Ah, so, that fat fucking bird thinks Gotham’s up for grabs just cause I’m gone.” Joker grinned darkly. “Leave a box of hand grenades in his car. Gift-wrapped. No note.”  

“Copy.”  

He went to the fireplace and started throwing in wood.  

“But since he wants to act cute, keep the same crew on rotation at Hacienda to. No new faces. No surprises while I’m gone this time.”  

Jonny nodded. “I’ll let them know.”  

They fell silent for a moment. 

“And how’s our little side project coming?” Joker picked his drink back up. 

“Waller? She’s slippery, but I have a few guys tailing her.”

“Mm, well just remember I don’t need her dirty laundry. I just need that one little crack in her routine where she’s just another fucking meatbag with a pulse.”  

“You want me to put out more scouts?”  

“No. As much as I want her head on a pike, we can take our time. She knows I broke Harley out. She’ll be making lots of moves now. Just make sure you take notes and I get them all."  

“Sure thing.”  

Jonny went to leave, sensing the conversation was over, but Joker had one more thing.  

“Oh, and Jonny.”  

“Yeah?”  

“If anyone so much as whispers Harley’s name back home—where she’s at, any of that. You trace it back to their throat and cut it out.”  

“Of course.”  

Meanwhile, upstairs, Harley had poked around just about every room finding nothing but bedroom after bedroom filled with dead animal heads and dusty crevices, except for a stuffed beaver which she thought was cute and so she took it with her.

She sighed in relief when she opened the last door and the scent of Joker’s cologne hit her like a ton of bricks. She swung it open and saw that the bed was missing the white cotton sheets and quilted comforter that were standard in the place in favor of silk purple everything. A pistol also lay on the wood nightstand next to about ten burner phones, and of course, his clothes were littered across the room.   

Harley shook her head, since she was still not any closer to figuring out what the hell was going on here.

She sensed there was something Joker was not telling her, and he could blame it on her paranoia all he wanted to, but she knew that was not all of it. The only thing she could count on was that like everything else with him, she’d have to wait to see how it played out because he didn’t like sharing things – information – her – anything. She did smile though when she spotted her stuff on the dresser he said he’d brought. She walked over to it and there she found all her favorite shirts, pants, shoes, perfume, make-up bag -  even books she’d been reading before taking that plunge in the river and being sent away. It was nice, but it also sent her straight back into detective mode.  

Since when the hell did Joker pay enough attention to her to even know what to bring? It had to be him to pack all this stuff because there’s no way he would have let his goons or Jonny touch it – especially not her underwear. It didn’t make sense when back home she might as well be invisible most of the time unless he was needing something from her, or she had pissed him off enough to get on his radar. Now all of a sudden he could pack for her and not screw it up?  

She groaned in exhaustion trying to figure him out.

She’d been trying for three years now, and she still didn’t feel any closer.

...well, that wasn't entirely true. 

She actually had him pretty well figured out, it was just that he made it impossible for her to help the situation, so they were always stuck in limbo.

At that same exact moment downstairs, Joker was in the kitchen, shirtless now, having removed all the swat gear. He was down to his silk black joggers covered in gold skulls, trying to pretend that cooking was something he did all the time for Harley and that everything was fine even though he'd never made her so much as a fucking pop tart before.  

As he turned on the burner and rummaged around for a pot to dump a can of green beans in, he couldn’t help feeling weirded out.  

What the fuck was he doing?  

This all felt way too domesticated for him, to the point that he paused and almost threw everything in the trash it got so intense, but then he remembered why he started in the first place.   

Harley looked thinner, and that bothered him.  

He had no idea what they’d been feeding her at Belle Reve, and he didn't want to guess. It was best not to think about what happened to her for now because there wasn’t anybody around to quench the thirst to spill blood when he got pissed off. Instead, he puffed out a sigh and added some butter to the green beans, setting them to boil before taking a large gulp of scotch from his glass, unwrapping a steak and throwing it in a skillet.   

It was hard to say how any of this food was gonna turn out because he hadn’t cooked since he was considered legally sane. Although, he didn’t exactly remember when that was, but he assumed there was a time when he was like everyone else - slaving away for crumbs in a system that only rewarded the criminals such as himself. But yeah, he didn’t cook. That was the perks of being rich and having minions. They could afford to have a private chef back home when they weren't eating at the club or when Harley wasn’t trying to poison him with something.

He chuckled softly to himself.

Because okay, maybe she wasn't that bad, but some of the shit she made really had him scratching his head sometimes.  

He smirked and stared at the steak sizzling in the pan, trying to take some solace in the fact at least nobody else would know about this but her 'cause they were going to be alone.

Jesus.   

And wasn’t that going to be fun?

He was already anticipating a migraine or twenty, praying the house was gonna be enough of a playground to keep her busy because he really needed to get back to work now and recoup the losses he’d taken while out on his little scavenger hunt for her. The place they were staying was equipped with a pool, a hot tub, game room, and endless woods which she could explore that should be plenty to keep her busy, but he severely doubted it.

On the contrary, Joker figured she was going to be stuck to him like fucking glue for the next two weeks while they argued constantly - at least until she pushed him too far and he blew up at her like earlier. Only then would he have a day or two of peace while she was mad to get things done. So was their routine, but what could he do? Here he was cooking for her for christ’s sake. That already meant something had veered off into the ditch some time ago, and while he couldn’t pinpoint it exactly, he had some guesses as to when it started, like maybe when she threw herself into acid for him voluntarily.

All he knew was that whatever was happening, it was bringing to light how he truly felt for her, and that was absolutely fucking terrifying - but that wasn’t the only thing. He also remembered as soon as he’d been entertaining this idea that he could be in love with her after she disappeared and he was a damn mess, that he’d told himself he wasn’t going to do this again, except the only problem was he couldn’t remember the first time he’d done it.

There was just this feeling lingering in his bones somewhere that this had all happened before. Déjà vu. But whenever he tried to focus on it, it vanished, along with the other fragmented memories he sometimes got. They had to be from before, but they were so muddled they didn’t provide any clues, and maybe that was a good thing.  

Whatever had caused him to become who he was now probably wasn’t anything he wanted to remember anyway, even if he did get curious sometimes.

He was Joker now, and that’s all that mattered.

He opened up  the freezer door and spotted a box of texas toast, grabbing it out knowing Harley would love that since she could down a whole box of the shit if you let her. He took out two slices, dropping them into the toaster to be put down later before going back to monitoring the food.

Back upstairs, Harley finally stepped out of the tub, pink and pruned, but clean and smoothly shaven.  

She no longer smelled like arson and prison soap, and her damp hair clung to her shoulders as she padded into the bedroom squinting through the blur of her shit eyesight, pawing around for her glasses or contacts.  

If Joker had remembered those, that’d definitely score him some points—not that he cared about stuff like that, but she did need to see. The contacts they gave her in prison were on their last leg, and it'd be a shame if she broke her neck falling down the stairs after all this - speaking of which.

She might be feeling better on the outside, but on the inside her thoughts were still spinning like a roulette wheel.

Just hours ago, she’d been at Belle Reve waiting on espresso, depressed, trying to avoid thinking about Joker. Then suddenly, he shows back up. Back from the dead to rescue her for the second time like some kind of dark knight in purple and green shining armor.  

It made her smile, but it also frustrated the fuck out of her.  

One minute he’s rescuing her, then the next he’s yelling at her telling her he wants to kill her. Then he’s bringing her to this big luxurious cabin.

The man was all over the fucking place, but that was nothing new.

What was new were these new rules he’d come up with in order to “keep her safe.” Basically telling her she can’t do anything now without a handler.  

From a clinical standpoint, it tracked.

A classic overcorrection in a dominant personality afraid of losing control again. From a girlfriend’s standpoint? It was kind of annoying…kind of a turn-on?

Yeah, Harley knew that was fucked up, and sure she knew her and Joker's relationship was toxic—a bag of cats floating down a river somewhere, but she couldn’t help it. 

If he stuck to his word about her having to be with him or Jonny all the time, then she was looking forward to spending more time with him. And she knew that was pathetic and desperate to, but what could she say? Love made a person do crazy things, and she did love him, more than she ever loved anything before. He might be crazy, but so was she, even before Joker had zapped her head with electricity. Her normal life had been slowly killing her, so what should she go back to it? 

Ha.  

That ship had sailed the moment she helped him break out of Arkham, dove into a vat of acid and bleached her skin to prove she loved him, and wound up with a rap sheet ten miles long.

But that was fine because she didn’t want to go back to that anyway. Yeah, things might not be perfect between her and Joker, but what was in life? 

The optimistic part of her was thinking maybe her being gone had finally made him grapple with his feelings for her, and that's why all this was happening. At least that's what she wanted to believe. The only proof she had to back it up was that there had been a time he wouldn’t even entertain having a relationship with her at all, and now look at them. That was something, right?

...so what if he still hadn’t told her he loved her yet, and would probably never marry her? Who needed it?

... 

She wrinkled her nose at her own logic and opened the top drawer of the dresser. Sure enough, there were her glasses and her contacts, nestled right between a pair of switchblades and a grenade. She grinned and slipped the glasses on to give her eyes a break from the contacts, then headed back to the bathroom to get dressed before going downstairs.  

In the kitchen, Joker looked up hearing the floorboards creaking above him.

He had just placed Harley’s food in the microwave to keep it warm, not knowing when she was coming down, but he was dreading the idea she was going to make a whole production out of it.  

He just wanted her to eat the damn food and not ask questions, but that was wishful thinking.  

With a sigh, he poured another scotch though he’d probably had enough and knocked it back, resting both hands on the counter and closing his eyes.  

He’d told Harley she needed to get a grip, but so did he. 

All he had to do was act like he usually did—like he didn’t give a fuck, but that was getting harder by the minute. It didn't help when she came into the kitchen smelling amazing either, wearing that damn white shirt with the red hearts all over it and their initials inside them, like they were dating in middle school or something.  

“Puddin’?” She asked softly, pausing by the island.  

She frowned and sniffed the air because she could smell food, but Joker was the only other person there, and as far as she knew, he couldn't even boil water.  

Joker looked her up and down once more before he turned to the microwave and pulled the plate back out, placing it on the breakfast bar in front of her.  

“Here. Eat,” he muttered, grabbing his glass and heading straight for the living room.  

Harley blinked.

 “Wait, wait…you made me dinner?” she asked, softly, in disbelief, staring at the plate and then him, reaching for him before he could get away.

She caught the waistband of his joggers and Joker huffed.

“Just don’t make a big deal out of it." He said, and gulped some more scotch, ice clinking against the glass. He looked extremely uncomfortable. “And it’s not poisoned, in case that was your next question.”

“It wasn’t, baby.” Harley frowned, then pulled him into a hug. 

She smiled and leaned up to kiss his cheek. “Thank you. I didn’t know you could cook.”  

“I know how to do alot of things.” Joker muttered again, slipping out of her grip. 

Harley smirked as he retreated like he couldn’t get away fast enough. She stepped closer and looked at the food again, tilting her head because it actually looked edible.

“Aren’t you gonna eat?” She asked.

“I’m not hungry.”  

She wrinkled her forehead at this new development, but then her stomach growled and she went to get silverware.

“J, I would’ve been fine with cold cereal. You didn't have to do all this,” she said, getting out a fork and knife. “Not that I’m complainin’.”  

“Well, it’s done. Eat it or don’t,” Joker said from the couch. 

She chuckled quietly to herself and opened the fridge, letting out an amused, yet mostly frustrated sigh as she grabbed a grape soda and a bottle of steak sauce out, thinking about how this was exactly what she was thinking about earlier. Hot and cold, hot and cold. All day long with him.

She returned to the bar and sat down, wishing they could just have a normal relationship at least in the sense where him cooking for her wasn’t some piece to a puzzle she felt she had to solve, but that was not the case. All this meant was that there was something going on with him and that could be very bad if left unchecked.

She paused again when she sliced into the steak and found it cooked how she liked it—medium rare.

She shook her head and the room went quiet as she ate, starting with the Texas toast first.

The only sounds came from the fire crackling and her fork scraping against the plate while the gears wound in overdrive in her head.

The food turned out to be good – really, really good, in fact – enough to make her finish nearly all of it and wonder why he’d been hiding this little talent from her all this time.

After she got done eating, she started getting sleepy already, between the hot shower and now having a full belly. She took her plate to the sink and rinsed it, ready to lay down. She padded over to the living room where Joker was laying stretched out on the couch in front of the fire, liquor glass in hand, looking pretty drunk already.

The warmth from the fire engulfed her still-damp skin and clothes and made her shiver.  

“You want some company?” she asked. 

He didn't say anything - didn’t even look up at her. Just shifted his drink to his other hand, so she took that as a yes and climbed onto the couch, kissing him softly before wedging herself between his body and the back cushions.  

“Ohhh, this is so much better than that stupid cot,” she groaned, draping an arm and her leg over him.  

Joker let his free arm fall around her shoulder and massaged her back.

“You’re all wet.”

“And you’re all warm,” she said, her cheek squished against his chest.  

He pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and covered her with it.  

For a while, they lay in an easy silence.

Harley felt like this was the first time she'd fully relaxed since she’d been picked up by Batsy, and with Joker stroking her hair as he stared into the fire lost in thought, she was on the cusp of sleep, but she wasn't ready to sleep.  

“So... wanna hear how I saved the world?” She mumbled.  

Joker blinked and looked at her head, since he thought she’d fallen asleep already, but she started tracing the lines on his jester tattoo.  

“Well, this oughta be good,” he replied.

“It is,” Harley grinned. “I was like a hero or somethin’ for a minute.”  

He smirked. 

“Well, don’t keep me in suspense, doll.”  

He set his drink down on the coffee table and sunk lower into the couch with her. Harley giggled and bit his chest lightly, way too excited to tell him about her forced adventure.  

“Okay, so picture this—eight of us, all bad guys. Chained up like animals, tossed in a chopper with no instructions except that Waller’s psycho ass wants us to rescue some bigwig in the city. And if we don’t? We're dead.”  

“Yeah.” Joker’s expression darkened at the mention of Waller.  

“Well, we should’ve known it was gonna be a clusterfuck from the start. Within the first two minutes of reaching the city—right after you texted me you were coming—the damn chopper gets shot down.”  

"Huh?" Joker frowned.

 "Yeah." Harley hugged him closer. “But somehow we survived.”  

He puffed out another breath and picked his drink back up. 

“Anyway,” she continued, “you saw it, the place looked like a zombie apocalypse. Cracked streets, flipped cars, rock creatures crawlin' around like somethin' outta The Walking Dead.”  

“Rock creatures?”  

“Yeah. Gross. Their heads were all bubblin like they were about ta’ pop, but then when you hit ‘em they shattered like glass…you didn’t see ‘em?”  

“No. I was busy.”  

“I know,” Harley grinned and kissed next to his nipple. “Trying to rescue me. You’re so sweet.” 

Joker scoffed.

“Sweet?”  

“Yeah. My personal knight in shining armor.”  

He rolled his eyes.  

“Just get on with the story, Harley.”  

“Right. So, at the beginning, we’re all plottin how to escape. Me, Deadshot, Boomer, Killer Croc, and Hot Stuff.”  

“I’ve heard of Deadshot and Croc.”  

“Yeah, they were nice.”  

“Nice?”  

“Yeah, in a ‘let’s kill everyone else and get outta here’ kinda way…but we couldn't do nothin with those bombs in our necks. One guy tried—Flagg fried him on the spot.”  

“Mm, but I’m the asshole for wanting that thing out of you, right?” Joker asked.  

Harley sighed.  

“Do you really want to get into that argument again right now?”

“No, not particularly. What about the soldier?”

“Flagg? Yeah, he threatened to kill us too, but he was just Waller’s puppet. And that evil witch putting on the light show? Turns out she was possessing his girlfriend.”  

“Sounds familiar."

There was a beat of silence.

The joke was so smooth Harley almost didn’t catch it, but when she did, she glanced up at him and he was just grinning—grills flashing in the firelight. Eyes sparkling.

“Is that supposed to be funny?” She asked.

“I thought it was.” He shrugged.

“You’re such a jerk.”  

“Thank you.”  

“Well, I’ll have you know that I sliced that bitch open and ripped her heart out,” Harley replied.

Joker smiled.

“Well, I wouldn't expect any less.”

“Yeah.” She gave him a look that he took to mean she was gonna do the same to him.

He giggled and looked into the fire.

“Well, good job, baby,” he replied after a minute. "You saved us all." 

Her face twisted up into a damn pretzel.

“What the hell did you just say?” She looked up at him.

Joker stared down at her, his head fuzzy.

"Huh?" 

She frowned and reached up and stroked the side of his face. 

“J... are you okay?” 

“Why wouldn’t I be?” 

“'Cause.” She traced his jaw. “You’re actin' real weird.”  

“I told you it’s been a long day, Harley."

“Yeah, well, I’ve seen you have long days. They never ended with you cookin' me dinner.”  

“Just let it go,” Joker drained the rest of his scotch.

He set the glass back down and closed his eyes at the room slightly spinning.

Harley slumped against his chest, bottom lip sticking out.   

"You could just say that you missed me, you know.”   

“Yeah, well, I kind of figured everything I've done would've spoken for me. Instead, you think I want to kill you.”  

She frowned at the sadness she heard in his voice because of her accusation.

"Baby I can't help it if you got me nervous sometimes." She cuddled closer to him, scooting up a bit and curling her arm up to cradle his head slightly, fingers slipping into his hair and resting there.

Joker knew he should, but he didn’t pull away. Instead, he tilted his head to rest against hers, and laid his hand on her leg that was stretched over his torso beneath the blanket. Harley kissed his cheek and his jaw, and in one of those rare moments that usually only happened when he was drunk like this, they just held each other, with an underlying desperation neither of them talked about. 

Joker was the first to pass out, and Harley just looked at him once he was asleep, studying his face. It was the only time she ever got to see him so at peace because he wasn't worried about fighting the whole damn world. She just wished he wasn't so on edge all the time and could relax more, but she knew better. 

Peace didn’t come easy to men like Joker. Her father had been the same way, but with Joker and the way his mind worked, it was because he was always scheming, calculating, waiting for the next betrayal, the next power grab, the next bloodbath - it never stopped. 

It hurt her how much she wanted to protect this Joker. The vulnerable one buried beneath all the layers of hurt and violence and anger. But she knew by sunrise he'd be gone again—buried under the weight of his empire. So she would just have to enjoy it while she could.

Chapter Text

The next morning, Harley woke up still snuggled up next to Joker on the couch.

She closed her eyes again and hugged him gently, listening to the steady rhythm of his heart beating underneath her ear.

It still felt like a miracle he had come back to her, after all those days and nights she’d spent laying in her cell, hours upon hours where the only thing she could think about was how she’d never get to see or talk to him again. Even now, the thought made her want to cry.

Joker woke up when she kept squirming around. His head was throbbing, and his back was aching and stiff from sleeping on the damn couch in the same position all night. He opened his eyes, but then closed them again when the first thing he saw was her crying.

It’s too fucking early for this, he thought, then opened them back up.

When he did, all he saw was her looking up at him, big baby blues shining with tears running down her cheeks. He didn’t even want to ask, but since she was right there, he couldn’t exactly ignore it.

“The hell’s wrong with you?” He rasped, throat like sandpaper.

“Nothin'.” Harley frowned, wiping her face.

Joker sighed.

“Well, it don’t look like nothin.”

“I don’t know,” she bit her lip, smoothing her fingers across his ribs. “I was just thinkin about how sad I was when I thought you was dead.”

Joker squinted, then laid his head back into the pillows.

“Why the fuck you thinkin about that for?” 

“I don’t know.” She squeezed him.

“Jesus.”

He stared at the ceiling.

“Well, how about you stop thinkin and go get us some caffeine or something, huh? My head is killing me.”

“You shouldn’t have drank so much last night,” Harley murmured.

“I know. Now I got you here crying over shit that ain’t even happened.”

She frowned up at him, then rolled her eyes.

“Well, I thought it happened,” she mumbled, sitting up at the end of the couch, stretching her arms over her head.

She stood and went to the kitchen whilst he groaned and rolled over, trying to allieviate the cramps in his back.

“You want coffee?” She called.

He shook his head, face stuck in a pillow.

“You know damn well I don’t drink that shit, Harley.”

“I know, I know.” Harley chuckled and went to the fridge. “You want a Red Bull. You need one, Mr. GrumpyPants.’”

“I've been up 5 minutes. We can’t all be Mary fucking Poppins.”

She giggled and skipped the can out of the kitchen and over to him.

“Here." She kissed him. "I’m gonna go poke around outside."

“Mm.” Joker grabbed her wrist lightly and shook his head while guzzling from the can. “Not right now.”

“Why not?” Her face fell.

“Because, I have to check the security camera’s first.” He looked up at her.

“Why? I thought nobody was gonna find us here? Are you worried Waller knows we’re here?”

“No, I haven’t seen one other person out here the whole time I’ve been here, but I don’t want to take the chance a sniper takes you out. Do you?”

“I was just going to sit on the deck.”

“I know, baby, but just give me a few minutes here.” He grabbed the remote to flip to the security feed.

She sighed.

“Fine. I’m gonna go brush my teeth then I guess.” She headed towards the stairs.

 Joker grabbed his head and picked up his phone off the coffee table when it vibrated across the wood, cringing at the bright screen. It was a message from Jonny.

Jonny: No sign of Waller. Everything’s quiet, but hearing talk on the black market. Something about a file. Supposedly connected to you. Going up for auction soon. No solid details yet. I’m looking into it.

His thumb hovered just above the keyboard. 

A file?

Joker: What’s in it? 

Jonny: Don’t know. Rumors only. Some are saying it’s intel Waller’s been keeping. Real deep stuff. They call it the Dead File. Only thing they’re sure about is that it’s about you. Word is, it’s bad enough people are willing to kill for it.

He made another face.

What the fuck?

He sat down his Red Bull so he could use both hands to type.

Joker: So, this is her move? Try to lure me out with what she thinks is incriminating evidence I don’t give a fuck about while she pretends to go into hiding. Is she stupid?

Jonny: Could be. I had tails on her hotel room in Washington. She was supposed to meet with that Tolliver guy at 9, but she hasn’t come out yet.

Joker: I swear if somebody killed her before me, it’s going to be your ass, Jonny. And then I’m going to kill them, and maybe you.

Jonny: Copy that.

Joker leaned back slowly on the couch, something icy stirring in his chest that he rarely felt, and severely disliked.

Doubt.

He had no idea if this file was real or not. He just found out about it, and rumors were rumors, but already it was suspicious timing. The way he saw it there were two options right now.

One – which he thought was the likliest, was that it was Waller bluffing and creating hype, hoping he would take the bait and she didn’t actually have anything– at least not anything that made any difference.

Or option two – there was a file, and it could somehow affect him negatively, but what the hell would be in it? Evidence of crimes he committed? He wasn’t exactly trying to cover them up.

Joker: I want location, time, sellers, and bidders, and I want it yesterday, he sent another message.

Jonny responded with a thumbs-up emoji, and Joker sat forward, elbows digging into his knees as he rubbed at his temple with one hand.

He really needed to take a leak, but he felt like ass.Harley was right. He shouldn’t have drank so much last night, but yesterday had been a shit show, and he just needed something to take the edge off.

He sighed and rose to his feet, flinching as the change in pressure made the throbbing in his head nearly unbearable for a moment, then he went to the bathroom down the hall, glaring the entire way.

When he returned, he rewound some of the camera feeds and watched them back. As expected, there was nothing besides some deer running around out there. He threw the remote onto the couch and then headed to the kitchen to make a protein shake when Harley made her return.

He was mixing milk into the protein powder when she came in wearing a faded pink cropped hoodie that had her name written on it in gold glitter, along with a pair of black leggings stretched tightly over her ass. Her hair was still down, and she still had her glasses on. He smirked, because it seemed like he was getting good ole Dr. Quinzel this trip instead of his harlequin counterpart, and that sure sparked some memories.

“You can go outside now,” he said, taking a drink of his shake.

“It’s safe?”

“Unless you get eaten by a bear. You might not want to go too far just yet, and stay out of the woods.”

Harley nodded, throwing some butter into a skillet. She cracked a few eggs to fry while Joker watched her heavily, mostly the way her ass was moving in those leggings.

“You sure you don’t want eggs?” She asked.

“Yeah.” He gulped down the remainder of his shake and put the glass in the sink.

Harley smirked when he came over and hovered behind her.

“You in a better mood now?” She asked, as he ran his hands down her arms and dropped a kiss where the hoodie was halfway hanging off her shoulder.

“Maybe.” Joker turned her around and lifted her up onto the countertop. She giggled as he kissed her, slow and warm.

Her legs wrapped around his waist, and her arms around his neck, pulling him closer. 

“Mmm…uck!” She sneered at the taste of his mouth “I dunno how you drink that stuff.”

“What? It’s chocolate,” Joker smirked.

“Baby, that’s not chocolate.” Harley caressed the back of his neck. “I’m sorry to tell you.”

He shrugged and went back to kissing her anyway. Harley sighed, tangling one hand in his hair, while the other slid down his chest and then out to the spatula to flip her eggs out of the corner of her eye.

“I have to workout,” Joker said, as soon as she put the spatula back down.

She gave him a flat look.

“So you’re just gonna come over here and kiss me like that, and get me all hot and bothered and then leave?”

“Uhh…yeah," he laughed, trying to pull away.

“Uh, no.” Harley held onto him. “Why can’t you get your workout with me? I’ll make sure you work up a sweat,” she offered, with a sinful grin.

Joker smiled as she dipped her face into his neck, brushing it with light kisses that sent tingles across his skin and other sensations down south. He purred softly, pushing her harder against the counter, making her smile.

“That’s quite the claim you’re making.”

“Yeah, cause it ain’t a claim, it’s a fact."

Joker grinned at her confidence, then slid his hands slowly down to her thighs, brushing the skin through the thin fabric before gripping her legs. 

He glanced at her eggs.

“What about your eggs?”

Harley pushed the pan off the hot burner and turned it off.

“What eggs?”

He chuckled a bit, then went down for another kiss. It was deep, full of longing and everything pent up between then from months apart finally getting an outlet.

He lifted her off the counter, making her giggle with delight, and carried her up the stairs. She clung to him, arms and legs wrapped tight around his body like a vine, using the ride to suck a hickey onto his neck—her brand, right beneath his jaw.

By the time they got to the bedroom, Joker kicked the door open and tossed her onto the bed. His eyes were hungry, wild, and so were hers as he crawled over her, sending a rush of heat right through her belly.

“Puddin’, you look like you wanna break something,” she teased, voice shaking with anticipation as he hovered above her. “I hope it’s me.”

“Oh, don’t worry, honey, it is,” he growled, settling his weight over her.

They tumbled together, mouths clashing and hands grabbing, rolling across the bed in a tangle of limbs, each fighting to take control. When Joker finally pinned her, Harley let out a shameless groan as he devoured her mouth, greedy and desperate. She’d missed him, missed kissing him, missed the weight of him pressing her down, and right now she wanted nothing more than to let him do anything he wanted to her. But then she remembered she was supposed to be giving him a workout.

She raked her nails up his sides, dragging them lightly along his skin, then wrapped her legs around his hips, ready to flip them. But then he ground into her, slow and deliberate, pinning her down harder, making her lose her train of thought for a second as his teeth left bitemarks all over her neck, clearly trying to one-up the one she gave him. Each one was a reminder of whose she was, not that she needed one, but damn if it didn’t feel good—his grills scraping right under her ear, the sting of his mouth making her shiver.

“Puddin’,” she gasped, barely keeping her composure.

Joker just grinned at her, letting her finally twist and roll them over. She straddled his hips, pinning his wrists above his head, hair tumbling down around their faces, lips just brushing his.

“Look at you,” she purred, cocky. “All pinned down like a good boy.”

“I’m gonna eat you alive, sweetheart,” he rumbled, voice low and dangerous. “But you keep pretending you’re in control. It’s cute.”

Harley just grinned, leaning in to nip his lips. “I am in control.”

“Oh yeah?” Joker arched a brow, amusement flickering in his eyes.

“Yeah.” She rocked her hips over his, grinding down until he gasped, a muscle in his jaw twitching as he tried not to give her the satisfaction.

“You feel that?” she whispered, rolling her body against him, mouth hovering over his. “Sure feels like I am.”

His eyes darkened, but his grin widened. “No, you’re just tempting fate, baby.”

She giggled, that infectious, wicked laugh that made him laugh too. She kissed down his neck, then along his collarbone, tongue flicking over his adam’s apple, nipping the hollow of his throat. Her mouth worked its way down his chest, leaving red trails, rolling her hips in slow circles just to keep him restless. His hands flexed under her grip, and she pressed his wrists down harder.

“Keep your hands there,” she commanded, in that bossy tone he secretly loved.

Joker let out a sound somewhere between a growl and a laugh as she kissed her way down his body. She dropped between his legs, yanking off her hoodie and bra with no ceremony, and tossed them aside. Joker stared down at her - hair wild, lips swollen, her neck covered in his marks, breasts exposed, nipples hard for him. He wore a glazed expression, and she ate it up knowing she had his full attention.

Harley licked a path from his navel down as she tugged his joggers lower, inch by inch, making good on her promise to make him sweat. There was a special kind of thrill she got, seeing one of Gotham’s most dangerous men trembling under her hands, undone by her mouth. Cause not even when she snatched Enchantress’s heart out of her did she feel like this.

Of course, she wasn’t madly in love with Enchantress, although her and Joker did have the whole sexy dom thing in common. Hmm...if Joker weren’t so damn jealous that might have been fun. But something told her Enchantress wasn’t looking for that kind of a good time. And how would that have even worked out with half of her being Flagg’s girlfriend? That would have been like a five-some or something, and there was no way in hell that was going to happen.

“Fuck. Harley!” Joker’s voice broke through her thoughts as he pushed her off him, chest heaving.

She just laughed, grinning wickedly up at him from between his legs.

She slid back up, hand trailing over him, licking her way up his body until he snapped—flipping and pinning her flat beneath him in an instant, all wild eyes and feral intent. Good, she thought—she was already dripping wet, ready to be taken apart.

"Your gonna pay for that, sweetheart," Joker said.

"God, I hope so, " She croaked and lifted her hips as he yanked her leggings down, leaving her bare.

Joker tossed the pants aside and looked her over, naked and needy, spread open just for him. He lowered his head and kissed her again, his thumb tracing up her thigh, sliding between her legs just enough to make her shudder.

“Look at you,” he breathed, voice thick and rough. “All wet for me, just like a good girl.”

Harley swallowed, eyes heavy. “Yeah? You gonna stare or you gonna do something about it?” She nudged his erection against her thigh.

“In a minute.” He squeezed her breast, trailing kisses down the center of her chest.

Every kiss scorched her, her nerves on fire from six months without him. By the time he reached her hip bone, she was already shaking, clutching the sheets.

Joker drew her hips up and settled between her legs. Harley let out a broken whimper, hand slipping down to fist in his hair. He wasn't rushed about it. Just ate her out with a laziness that kept driving her to the edge and then backing off, making her more insane than she was. 

"Joker," she finally moaned when she couldn't take it anymore and wave after wave of the feel goods were rolling through, her until she was left quivering, boneless, every bit of tension in her body burned away. He pulled back with a grin and left bite marks up her thighs and stomach as he kissed his way back up, hovering over her, letting her wrap herself around him, desperate for more.

“Puddin’,” she whispered, wrapping a leg around his hip, pulling him close. “Why are you not inside me right now?”

“’Cause,” Joker purred. “You want it? Beg.”

"You beg,” she shot back, grinning. “Oh wait—you already did.”

She laughed, and he shook his head.

“Smartass. You’re such a fucking brat.”

She bit her lip, smile never fading. “Yeah, but you made me this way.” Then her expression turned needy. "Come on, baby. I need you." She pouted and felt up his chest.

He gave her a look, biting her bottom lip. “Say it, then," he demanded.

“You say it.” Harley rolled them again, putting herself back on top.

Joker grunted, lips curling into a predatory smile as she sank down onto him, taking him deep.

“I see we’ve got our work cut out for us while we’re here,” he said.

"Yeah, we do.” Harley grinned as he grabbed her, flipping them so she landed beneath him again.

He drove into her with a deep, hard thrust, making them both moan.

Harley knew she’d feel this later, but the way he was moving, slow and deep, kissing her so tenderly it made her melt beneath him, clinging tight, unable to get close enough.

Harley hissed, knowing she was definitely going to feel this after, but then Joker pulled her closer and started a slow rhythm, kissing her tenderly and she melted against him, feeling like she couldn't get close enough. 

Her giggles filled the room as she whispered dirty things into his ear. Joker ate up every bit of it, grinning the whole time between grunts at all the crazy shit she was saying. Meanwhile, the headboard banged against the wall behind them as the pace picked up.

He rested his forehead against hers as they stared into each other's eyes, partly because of love, but mostly just to see who would break first.

Harley was trying to hold out as long as she could, but then he decided to grind into her at the same time he pulled her leg up higher, and the lightswitch went on. Her eyes snapped shut and she was gripping handfuls of his skin while he cursed and his face slid off into her neck. He tightened his grip on her leg while they both shuddered.

"Mm, Puddin'." Harley held him close in her arms after, and kissed the side of his head, resting hers against it.

“I love you, baby."

Joker hummed in response, rolling beside her. He threw an arm over his face and Harley rolled onto her side and reached over to stroke his torso.

“Well, that’s one set down,” she smiled.

Later That Evening

The cabin was quiet sitting on the second floor back deck alone, leaning back in one of the oversized padded lounge chairs with a can of grape soda dangling from his fingers.

The trees rustled gently in the wind around the house. The sky was a wash of violet and orange. Somewhere far off in the woods that fucking owl that showed up every night hooted like clockwork.

...it was peaceful.

He hated how much he liked it.

But the silence had a strange kind of weight to it that made his thoughts crawl like rats in the walls. Usually, he drowned them out.

Music. Mayhem. Sex. Violence.

But up here, with Harley finally safe and taking a nap after she had kept him in bed fucking her all afternoon, and no sirens or gunshots to smother it all, he could actually focus...and he didn’t like where that focus was going.

First, there was the shit with Harley and his feelings for her, which was a goddamn mess becoming bigger every second now that he had her back.

Then, there was the mystery with that damn file.

He pulled his phone from his pocket and tapped the screen.

Nothing new from Frost yet, but he scrolled back up to reread the previous messages:

Jonny: Dead file. Only thing they’re sure about is that it’s about you. Word is, it’s bad enough people are willing to kill for it.”

A slow glare formed on his face.

"Dead File," he muttered, squinting out at the trees. “Cute name. Real subtle, Waller.”

The name alone was enough to piss him off. The Dead File. Like it was supposed to scare him or something.

His jaw clenched, but then another message lit up the screen.

Jonny: Waller is gone. No idea how she slipped without us knowing. Still nothing concrete on contents of the file either, but buzz is it’s not just crime logs or old intel. It’s personal. Real personal. Stuff that got buried, maybe even erased.

Joker stared at the message, instantly raging.

Joker: Like??? How the fuck do you lose her, Jonny?!

Jonny: I don’t know, J. I sent someone up to check out her room, but it was empty. She just vanished. The boys clocked her in at 10pm last night. Now the room is empty. Nobody saw her leave. I had guys watching 24/7 just like you wanted.

Joker squeezed the phone in his hand and gritted his teeth. 

Joker: Well, she got out of there somehow.

That icy stir in his chest returned, coiling like a snake in his ribs.

He didn’t do fear, although this shit with Harley was making him a little loopy. But where the fuck did Waller go and what the hell did she think she had on him, if anything?

This was turning into something bizarre, and it didn't help she was fucking missing now.

Joker: I am assuming you questioned the idiots watching her and they didn’t decide to go for a burger or jerk off and fuck this operation up, right?

Jonny: Negative. I asked but these were good guys and I trust them.

He sighed and stared out at the woods, the fading colors of the sky turning more muted by the minute, but he wasn’t seeing any of it anymore. Not really.

He was getting stuck on something else.

Personal. Buried. Erased.

Those words scratched at something deep and half-formed in the back of his mind he’d just been thinking about last night. Those blank spots in his past. They were murky corners he didn’t bother shining a light on because he thought he didn’t need to. He lived in the now. The chaos, the power, the blood. He was Joker.

But Waller… she liked to dig, and now she was missing.

He took another swig of soda and fidgeted restlessly, because something wasn’t adding up here.

If the file was bait, why would Waller fake her own disappearance? What was the point? And if the intel was real, and that was a big if, it meant someone had been playing curator with pieces of him. Someone had taken the time to gather and preserve whatever was too dangerous, too sensitive, too… secret, to be let out into the wild. And now it was on the fucking market?

He laughed once, low and humorless, since he should just blow up every bidder and call it a day. But no, that wouldn’t be enough. Not if the file was out there. Not if it said something even he didn’t know.

Another buzz lit up the screen.

Jonny: Rumor is the file came from a deep storage facility. Some off-grid blacksite Waller’s pet techs used to run. Someone leaked access. That’s all I got so far.

Joker’s eyes narrowed. His free hand dragged down his face.

Joker: Then I guess you better find that person, haven’t you? Let’s hope for your sake this one doesn’t slip away.

Jonny: Working on it. Also, it’s a quiet auction, invite-only. I’ll let you know when I get an in. Might be a few days.

Joker didn’t respond, just snorted and set his phone on the table beside him and tipped his head back against the chair.

This is why he should be back in Gotham.

Jonny was good, that’s why he was his number two, but he didn’t like having to find all this out second hand. He didn’t like thinking there were things other people were missing - which clearly there were if their target just disappeared - that he would have spotted a mile away. Crucial details. Like the fact there was a second chopper the first time he tried to save Harley that wound up blowing him up he hadn’t been informed about.

The old adage if you want something done right you better do it yourself was so true, but he wasn’t naïve of the variables either. Not even he could account for all of them, and sometimes that was a hard pill to swallow when you weren’t the trusting type that you can't do everything yourself.

He was toying with ideas, deep in thought trying to reverse engineer the situation and put himself in Waller’s shoes when he heard the sliding glass door open behind him. Harley came into view, carrying two plates of eggs, wearing one of his button up shirts and not much else. That might have been fine - great even - because she looked so fucking good it made him want to fuck her again, except he could tell just by the look on her face even though it was smothered by a smile, that this interaction was going to end in a fight instead of her down on all fours.

“Baby, I made you something to eat.” She handed him a plate.

Joker stared at her before taking it and setting it on the table beside him.

“Well, ain’tcha gonna eat it?” she frowned, chewing a piece of toast.

“I ain’t hungry,” Joker replied.

She huffed.

“J, you haven’t eaten all day.”

“’Cause I ain’t hungry. And yes I did. I had a shake this morning.”

"Well, why ain’t you hungry? Are you sick?” She brushed his hair back.

“No. I just don’t feel like eating, Harley.”

“Hmm.” She studied him for a second.

“Well, in that case…”

She came over and sat sideways on his lap, leaning against his shoulder. Joker gave her an annoyed look, but she was already poking at the eggs with her fork.

“Here, have some of mine,” she said.

“Harley, if I didn’t want those, why would I want this?” Joker asked, frowning.

“Because I’m gonna feed them to you.” She smiled and brought the fork to his mouth.

He blinked and then looked at her like she’d lost her mind. “Are you serious?”

Her smile faltered for just a second, replaced with a flash of anger.

“You know, baby, there’s a lot of guys that would be over the moon to have me feed'em,” she said.

“And just what the fuck does that mean? And what guys?” Joker snapped, glaring.

She chuckled, and Joker shook his head, knowing she was doing this shit on purpose.

“Nobody, Puddin’. I’m just saying, that's all. Now open up.”

She brought the eggs to his lips and he eyed her coldly before finally taking the damn bite.

“There, was that so hard?” She asked, and kissed his cheek softly, curling against him further.

He wrapped an arm around her as she grabbed the plate she’d made for him and held up another forkful of eggs.

Joker ate it, still wondering what guys she was talking about though.

“Wow, that’s a pretty sunset,” she smiled at the sky, then back at him. “Is that what you’re out here doing? Watching the sunset?”

“No, I wasn’t watching the fucking sunset. I was thinking—working,” Joker grumbled.

“Thinking about me?” She grinned.

“Yeah, about how I feel like strangling you.”

“Mmm, that sounds like fun.”

He snorted, despite himself. Harley giggled, kissing his nose.

“I was thinking about you too,” she said, stealing the soda out of his hand and taking a drink before bringing more eggs to his mouth. “Wanna know what about?”

“I’m sure you’re going to tell me."

“Yeah. I was thinking about how much I love you, and how you might not have to sit out here being a moody asshole if you’d just talk to me and tell me what’s bothering ya for once.”

“Nothing’s bothering me, Harley,” Joker eyed her.

“Yeah, I bet.”

He took his soda back from her and drank it. “Did you just come out here to pick a fight with me? Is it that time already?”

“No. I came out here to get you to eat, jackass.”

Joker chuckled. “Yeah, right.”

“I did,” she frowned.

“Okay, maybe, but you also came out here with a chip on your shoulder, didn’t you? I can see it in your eyes, honey. You’re shit at hiding things. What’s it this time?” He tilted his head. “Oh, wait, you already said it—you want a therapy session. Sorry, Dr. Quinzel. I ain’t in the mood today.”

“Maybe I’m just trying to feel close to you, Puddin’,” Harley said flatly.

“We just had sex for four hours, Harley. How much closer can we get?”

“Well, I ain’t talkin’ about sex.”

“God.” Joker looked to the sky. “Here we go with this shit again.”

She glared at him.

“Why do you always do this?”

“Do what?” 

“Dismiss me every time I want to talk about something important?”

“Like what?”

She frowned and gave him a pained look.

“I’m not trying to fight with you. I’m just trying to have a real conversation with you.”

“I just asked—about what?!”

“About us!”

“What about us?!”

“Just forget it.” She moved to get up.

He hissed and tightened his arm around her.

“What about us?” he asked again, calmer this time - barely.

Harley chewed her lip, but leaned back against him again.

She didn't say anything for a minute, then - "J, do you love me?” 

“What?” Joker frowned, caught off guard.

Harley huffed.

“Well, it’s a simple question. Do you love me or not?”

He stared at her, pulse picking up.

“…why are you askin’ me that?”

“Because I need to know. Do you love me?” She searched his face.

“Harley…” Joker shook his head. "You already know the answer to that.”

“Yeah, but I want to hear you say it.”

He knitted his brows, then looked at her funny.

“What the hell is this?” He asked.

“What? I’m asking you a question." Harley frowned.

“You just said you know the answer."

“But you won’t say it?”

“No.”

Her face fell. “Why not? I just want to hear it. Once."

“Well, it ain’t going to happen,” Joker replied.

"But why?"

He growled seeing her eyes filling up with tears.

“Because, it’s meaningless, Harley.”

“How the fuck is that? How can it be meaningless?” 

He stared at her, wondering where all this was coming from.

"What the hell is going on with you?" He asked, staring at her strangely.

Harley choked a humorless chuckle and set the plates of food on the table next to them and glared at him sadly, tears spilling down her cheeks.

“What's going on is I thought you were dead, Joker,” she croaked, for what felt like the millionth time since he busted her out. “I thought I’d lost you for good. And you act like that didn’t change anything.”

“Because it didn’t, Harley. I’m right here and I didn’t die," Joker replied.

“But I thought you did! And it changed everything! You know it did!"

Joker clenched his jaw at her sobbing all over him.

"Harley..."

“You know it’s true.” She sniffed.

He shook his head as they locked eyes, the knot in his stomach twisting tighter.

“I buried you, mentally, you know. I thought you were gone. And I couldn’t do anything but lay there in that cell and think about it—about how much time we've wasted playing games. You treating me like I’m one of your fucking lambos when I know damn well that you love me. You just won’t admit it. Why?”

“Harley…” Joker looked away uncomfortably. Because her words were tugging at everything he'd been feeling the past six months. “Look, I don’t need this shit right now, okay?”

“So you don’t love me then?” Harley said, glaring. 

“Well I sure as fuck don’t love what you’re doing right now,” Joker glared back.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” She shook her head. “After all of this time, and everything we've been through, why can’t you just say it, Joker? It’s been three fucking years.”

“You want me to say words that people say all the time and don’t even mean them?! They’re cheap, Harley, and if you already know, then I don't need to say nothin'."

“Just fuckin’ words? That’s your excuse?!" She laughed again, staring at him in disbelief.

“Yeah. I told you they don’t mean anything. People say ‘I love you’ right before they put a knife in your back. It’s noise. A band aid for the truth—that nobody fucking cares. That’s why only actions matter. Would you rather I take you back to Belle Reve and write you some letters telling you how much I love and miss you like some poor dumb cunt, or prove it by breaking you out like I already did?”

"For fuck's sake." Harley's hand dropped into her lap as she got up angrily.

Joker sighed and put his head in his hand, rubbing it down his face.

“Well, that’s all well and fine, baby, but here’s the thing. I’ve spent those three years loving you - so hard it broke me at times. Even when you treated me like your favorite toy one day and a fuckin’ inconvenience the next. But you can’t say it once? Is that how you feel when I say it to you? You think it’s meaningless? Because you know damn well I’ve proved to you that I mean it. So why can’t you do the same for me?...I’ve stayed through everything. Not because I’m some dumb broad who doesn’t know better—but because I saw you. The real you. Even when people told me I was an idiot for staying and that you didn’t care about me—”

“Who the fuck was saying that?!” Joker snapped.

“It doesn’t matter. I always knew you loved me. Even if you were too scared to admit it...but things change, J.”

“Scared?” Joker chuckled coldly. “You think I’m scared of you?”

“Yeah,” she said simply. “I do.”

He shot up so fast the chair scraped the deck and she stumbled back. He caught her arm and tugged her toward him. "You think I’m scared of you?”

Harley smiled sadly. “No, Joker. I think you’re scared of what you feel when you’re with me. Because you want to act like you feel nothing.”

His expression twitched. Just barely. But it was there. He gave a noise that said he was barely holding back from going off into a rage and walked away from her to the railing on the deck. 

Harley watched him for a minute, wiping her eyes.

“J, I know that you don’t like that I make you feel like a man instead of a monster because that’s what you want everyone to think you are. And that might be true, but not all the way. There’s still something left that I love, and I want to keep loving it, but I need to know you see me as something other than a piece of property...I can’t go back to how it was before, or I don’t want to anyway...please,” Harley pleaded.

Joker’s nostrils flared.

“That’s what you think?”

“I think that’s what you want me to think, and everyone else.”

She walked over and slid her arms around his waist from behind.

“Baby, I’m still a psychiatrist. It took me a minute to figure it out after the shock wore off, but I did right after you made me dinner for the first time last night since I've known you. You couldn’t find me and you got all twisted up, right? You didn’t know what else to do so you brought me here. You’re trying to figure it out like it’s some big mystery, but it ain't, J. I said it from the beginning. I love you. You love me. Just accept it and lets move on. That’s why you’re being so weird and nice to me. Lettin' me get away with stuff you would’ve screamed at me before easy.”

Joker chuckled and gripped the railing.

“So, you think you got me all figured out again huh, Doctor?”

Harley sighed.

“No, but it makes sense. And I ain’t askin’ for a fairytale. I just want to stop pretending.”

“Even though you already know.”

“Yeah. But I just want to hear it come from you so I know I'm not crazy."

Joker stared into the trees, not liking that she how she cornering him like this. If it wasn't pissing him off he'd be impressed she could make him feel that way to begin with.

“God, you just don’t let up, do you?” He asked.

She rested her cheek on his back, but didn't answer.

Joker exhaled sharply.

“Fine. I fucking love you, Harley, okay? Happy now?”

The silence that landed after was like a grenade.

Harley blinked as the words hit her hard, even though she'd just begged him for them.

Joker didn’t want to, but he turned around to face her. Her lip was quivering just a little, and then the softest, most ridiculous smile Joker had ever seen in his life tugged at her mouth. Her whole face lit up like he’d just handed her a fucking puppy.

“Christ.” He glared, since he knew this would happen. “I commit felonies for you, and that’s what gets you googly-eyed. Three fucking words?”

Harley's smile turned into a thousand watt beam as she started giggling and crying again in relief.

“Yeah, baby,” she said, slipping into his arms. “Cause that sounded real good coming from your lips. Real good.”

Joker rolled his eyes.

“Fucking women,” he muttered.

She smiled and pressed her face into his chest, grinning like a little kid who just got an ice cream cone.

“Thank you.” She looked up at him.

Joker raised an eyebrow.

“Well, it ain’t like you gave me a choice, now did you? Coming out here cryin' and bringing up old shit as usual. Fuck, Harley."

“Well, I knew that’s the only way you would.”

He shook his head.

"Psychiatrists. Even worse."

She smiled and hugged him tighter.

“You love me though.” She smiled up at him.

Joker growled lowly. “Don’t start with that shit.”

Another smiled broke onto her face even bigger than the last.

“Say it one more time," she said, looking up at him.

“Don’t push it, Harley.” Joker warned her.

“I’m not. Come on. Just one more time, Puddin’ It sounds so sexy coming from you.”

He looked at her like she was high. Which, she might’ve been for all he knew. If she was, he’s pretty sure he needed some.

“Sexy?”

“Yeah, come on.”

Joker shook his head, watching her like you would a dog that did tricks.

“I love you,” he replied. 

The same look came over her face, like she was on cloud squee. 

“I love you to.” Fresh tears slipped down her cheeks.

Joker stared down at her feeling like he needed another drink.

“You like that, don’t you?” He asked. “Me saying a bunch a cuck stuff.”

She laughed and grabbed his hand, curling her fingers though his.

“It ain’t cuck stuff and you know it. Don’t you feel any better at all?”

Joker didn’t answer, although the knot in his stomach had unfurled considerably, which was weird.

“I know what will make you feel better. Come on, lover, let’s go back to bed.” She grinned and pulled him towards the house.

"Jesus, Harley."

Chapter Text

For the next week, Joker watched Harley turn into the happiest, bubbliest version of herself he’d ever seen. And considering she was already borderline intolerable with the sunshine and sparkles shit, this was just fucking overkill.

As expected, she’d been glued to his side every damn second since he’d told her he loved her. Clingier than ever.

She was always grinning, always touching him, always making his meals and crawling into his lap like a cat to feed him. It wasn’t exactly new behavior, but now there was a weight to it. An emotional depth that hadn’t been there before he’d uttered that dreaded phrase people tossed around like a virus. Or hell, maybe it had always been there and he just refused to see it until now.

Yeah. That sounded about right.

All he knew was, he wished he could go back to pretending it wasn’t real—because now Harley was acting like he’d proposed or something, and they were on some demented honeymoon. Like she was Barbie in the fucking dream house while he was stuck just trying to survive this new dynamic and the guilt that came with it.

Ever since she’d told him how she felt about their relationship—the games, the cruelty, the way he treated her like a possession, which, honestly, were all true—and how she’d stayed anyway, he’d felt bad. And he wasn’t used to that. The guilt was swallowing him up, pulling him under like a goddamn current, and his head kept screaming at him to get away, to run, because it was all too much. Dangerous, even. But how could he?

Where the fuck was he gonna go?

What the fuck was he gonna do?

He loved her.

…He loved her.

That much was established.

And that meant he couldn’t kill her, or at least he didn't want to. And he couldn’t break up with her either, because fuck knows they’d just be back together in a week, and apparently he needed her now, like some kind of junkie. So where did that leave him?

Physically and emotionally exhausted, that’s where.

It was a torture she couldn’t understand. For someone like him, needing anybody felt wrong. Sure, that sounded contradictory when his whole business had him relying on people on the daily, but that was different. Business was business, but Joker, the man behind the clown, lived on very little. The houses, the cars, the jewelry—they were all just props. He didn’t actually care about them, although they were real nice and real expensive. That was the whole point. Underneath it all, he depended on no one—not without hating it. The only company he kept was the kind that kept the gravy train rolling, at least until Harley came crashing into his life.

Fast forward three years now and that simple configuration he’d built to survive was shot to hell. And worse, he couldn’t seem to do anything about it. Like he just had to sit there and watch everything burn while Harley rebuilt something new for them both—because that’s exactly what she was doing, and worse, he was letting her.

She thought she was slick, keeping him drugged up on sex and affection, like he wouldn’t notice. But he noticed—in those rare moments she wasn’t distracting him. Alarms blared, rescue crews were being called in to save him, but before help could ever arrive, she’d be back, making his head all fuzzy again, convincing him this was fine. That maybe the noose of feelings around his neck was something he could live with. And who could argue when she was making him feel so fucking fantastic?

That was exactly why he’d avoided her for so long. Not because he’d wanted to exactly, but because she made him feel too much already. And now she was dialed to eleven, and his only defense was to be a bastard to her, but he didn’t want to do that anymore, either.

Something was happening to him, and he wanted to run away so bad. He was dying to push her away, but she was so happy. For once, he couldn’t bring himself to ruin it.

And what would be the point, anyway? She was right.

They were stuck with each other. It had been that way for a long time.

But he was slowly unraveling to, and the only thing keeping him from burning the forest and the house down with both of them in it was the thought of that file and killing Waller.

Fuck, was he itching to kill somebody. Anybody.

He needed the rage and the blood on his hands so he could remember who he was. But according to Jonny, Waller was still missing, and there hadn’t been any news in days. Things were running smoothly back home, for all he knew. So he was just stuck here, trying not to crawl out of his own fucking skin.

He sighed where he was leaning back against the tiled ledge at the shallow end of the pool, agitated, sporting a pair of purple and green trunks, breaking from his daydreams of bludgeoning somebody to see if Harley had made any progress in getting in the water yet. But no, she was still fucking standing there a few feet away ankle deep on the steps leading in, wearing her red bikini, looking both gorgeous and about as terrified as he did when he told her he loved her. 

“Puddin’ I can’t do this,” she frowned. 

“Yes, you can. You can start by getting in the fucking water, Harley,” Joker replied. 

She shook her head and walked back out. “No, I can’t.” 

“Well, how the hell do you expect to learn how to swim if you won’t even try?” 

“I don't know. I’m scared,” she pouted. 

 “Of water?” He chuckled. 

“Of deep water. I’ve had bad experiences.”  

He groaned and swam over to the steps. 

“You seemed fine when you dove into acid."

“No, I wasn’t, I was in the moment, and I knew you’d save me,” she said. 

“Mm,” Joker hummed, never so glad he was practically albino at that moment because he was pretty sure she would have seen all the color drain from his face if he wasn’t, given he almost left her there to die. 

“But you don’t trust me this time?” 

“Well, yeah, but...”  

“But what?”  

He floated onto his back, staring up at the clouds. Harley watched him drift around effortlessly for a moment, and then sighed and came back.  

She stood frozen on the second step though, gripping the railing like she was hanging off the side of a mountain in waist deep water. 

“Aren’t ya gonna come get me?” She whined. 

Joker hissed and turned in the water and swam over to her.  

“Come on.” He scooped her up. “You’re taking all fucking day with this.” 

She wrapped herself around him like a baby Koala, and they went floating off into the deep end. 

“You wanted to do this,” he said. 

“No, you wanted to do this,” Harley corrected. “I wanted to sit in the hot tub with a margarita.” 

“And you can...right after you prove you’re not gonna drown like a housecat in a bathtub the next time we take a drive into the river.” 

“But what if I can’t?” 

Joker rolled his eyes.  

“I ain’t gonna let you drown, dummy. Not unless you start talkin’ through another movie.” 

“That was one time.” 

“It’s been every movie we’ve watched, Harley.” 

“Just don’t let go of me,” she hugged his neck tighter. 

“Jesus, you’re clingy,” Joker growled. 

“You told me to trust you!” 

“I know, but this is just sad.” 

“Just don’t let go!” 

“I ain’t! How the hell can I let go when your claws are sunk into me? Relax. You float better when you’re not stiff as a damn statue.” 

“I’m not stiff,” she said, stiffly, wrapping her legs around his waist. 

Joker narrowed his eyes. “How are you expecting to swim while you’re stuck to me?” 

She bit her lip and shrugged. 

He gave her a look that had her unraveling herself from him again pretty quickly.

She had panic in her eyes as he got her to hold onto just one of his arms stretched out and let herself float a little. 

“How’s that feel?” He asked.  

“It’s okay, I guess.”  

“Good.”  

He pushed her back into the middle of the deep end. 

“JOKER!” Harley gasped, flailing.

“Kick your legs and paddle your hands!” He yelled.  

She gasped for air as she barely kept her chin above the line. She was splashing everywhere, looking like a wounded duck, but somehow, she was managing to keep herself afloat. Joker just wanted to see how long that would last. 

“You ain’t doing that bad,” he said, moving further away when she tried to get to him.  

“I’m gonna fucking drown!” She cried. 

“No, you’re not. You’re doing fine. Just calm down.” 

But even as Harley kicked her legs as fast as she could, and kept moving her arms, soon the fear won out, and down she went.  

Joker immediately pushed off the side of the pool and crossed the distance to catch her. 

“Okay, okay. I got you. Relax,” he said, chuckling as they floated across the water from the momentum. 

She panted, shaking with tears pouring from her eyes. 

“Don’t do that!” She slapped his arm hard, hand cracking against the wet skin. 

He laughed softly. 

“I was just seeing where you are at with this.” He wrapped his arms around her tighter, locking her to him as she trembled. “There. Just breathe, would ya?” 

“I am breathing!”  

Joker laughed and held her for a minute before he pushed off the side of the pool again and sent them gliding back to the center.  

“Well, if you weren’t spazzing out you probably would have been fine,” he said. 

“Fuck that!” Harley glared. “I hate this. I hate swimming, and I hate this pool, and I hate that stupid smile on your stupid face.” 

He snickered. 

“Well, hate it all you want, babe, but that ain’t gonna help you swim any faster.” 

“I don’t care…why can’t we just stay here like this?” Harley pouted and rested her head against his. “This is nice.” 

Joker groaned and rolled his eyes.

“Because this has been your default position for the last week, Harley.”  

“Yeah. Because I like being in your arms, Puddin’," she murmured.

He grumbled and coasted through the water again with her attached to him like a leech. 

“This is supposed to be swim lessons,” he eventually told her. 

“It is,” Harley closed her eyes. “Step one get in the water. Step two cling to your hot, shirtless boyfriend.” 

“Yeah, except your skipping everything after that, and I’m regrettin’ every second offering to do this.” 

“No, you’re not.” She smiled against his neck. “You love this to.” 

He snorted.  

“Yeah, this is the highlight of my fucking day, honey” he replied, sarcastically. “Watchin you flip around in the water like a drunk gazelle.”  

She giggled and pulled back to kiss him. “It is. Don’t lie.” 

"Yeah, sure." He stared at her, flatly. 

She smoothed his hair back lovingly, cupping his cheeks while he waded, and kissed his lips tenderly.

“See?” she whispered, going back to hugging him. “You can’t even fake it anymore.” 

Joker frowned and gave and annoyed growl as he drifted along the edge of the pool, wishing she’d just shut up.

He didn’t want to be reminded of how much damage she was doing to him. It was bad enough he was letting it happen.

He was holding onto the side when she rubbed her cheek against his and warmth swirled in his stomach, paired with her giggle, a full blown grin spread across his face before he caught himself and glared again. She kept kissing him, and hugging him tighter, stroking his back underwater. Joker huffed and closed his eyes as it started to wear him down. He rested his head against hers, giving in as the warm water lapped against them.

“Christ you’re makin’ me fucking crazy,” he said, like it hurt, because it did. It all hurt.

She was dragging all this shit out of him left and right that he kept locked down for a reason. 

“Then I’m doin’ somethin’ right. Don’t fight it,” Harley said. 

He glared, helplessly.

“You think I’m just gonna roll over and let you do whatever the hell you want with me, Harley?” He asked, voice raw. 

She frowned and clutched him closer.  

“You already are, Puddin’. But I ain’t gonna hurt you, baby. I keep telling you that.” 

He clenched his jaw. 

“You’re makin me weak.”  

“No. I’m makin you mine. And you definitely ain’t weak.” 

He ran a hand down his face.  

“You’re makin’ me forget myself with all this shit.” 

“No. I’m just loving you like I always have. Difference is, your lettin yourself feel it,” she kissed his neck. “Just trust me. I’m helping you. I’m helping us both.” 

Joker shook his head, wondering if she even understood what she was asking him to do.  

He waded back over to the shallow end and peeled her off him. 

“Okay, enough with this cuddle fest.” 

He lowered her into the water until her feet touched the bottom up to her neck. Harley gasped at first, then blinked. 

“I told you it wasn’t that deep right here,” Joker said at the surprised look on her face. “Now don’t start panicking, I’m gonna hold you in position.”  

“Ooo.” She giggled. “What position, Puddin’?”  

Joker smirked. 

“Probably one you ain’t gonna like, sweetheart.” 

And he was right. 

As soon as he flipped Harley onto her belly so he could try to help her practice strokes, she went ape-shit. 

“What are ya doin!” She started going nuts, splashing everywhere, drenching them both. 

“Trying to show you how to fucking swim!” Joker gripped her tighter. 

“But I can’t breathe!” 

“How!? You’re fine! And we’re in five feet of water?!” 

She started panting and hyperventilating anyway. He cursed and moved her back to standing position, frowning seeing her bottom lip quiver before she latched back onto him again, shaking. 

“Jesus christ.” He cursed. “What the fuck was that?”  

“I told you I can’t do this!” Harley cried. 

“Why the fuck are you so scared of the water?” 

“Cause I almost drowned!” 

He pressed his lips, feeling that guilt again.    

“No you didn’t. Batsy picked you up.” 

“Not that time, another time!” 

“When?” 

She buried her face in his neck. “When I was little. I was at the orphanage. They took us to this community pool one summer, said it was supposed to be fun. I couldn’t swim, but one of the older girls dared me to jump in the deep end. Said I was chicken if I didn’t.” 

“And you jumped, didn't you."

“Yeah... sank all the way down like a rock and panicked. I didn’t know which way was up. And no one came. I tried to scream, but it was all water in my lungs. By the time someone did finally drag me out, I’d already blacked out. They thought I died. Woke up pukin’ on the concrete. Spent a month in the hospital with pneumonia.” 

He frowned.

“Mm...well...that ain’t gonna happen here. I ain’t gonna let you sink.” 

“I know, but I still don’t like it.”   

He sighed and brushed his thumb up and down the line of her spine as the sun baked down on them. Still, she was shaking like it was twenty below in the heated water. 

“Puddin’ I don’t want to do this anymore today.” Harley slumped against him. 

“You gotta learn, Harley.” 

“I know, but can’t we try again tomorrow?”  

He shook his head, ready to tell her no and that she needed to quit being a damn baby, but lucky for her, his phone buzzed over on the patio table next to the pool. 

“Fine.” He said, walking up the steps with her still stuck to him.  

“I’m sorry.” She frowned as he set her down and walked away, not wanting him to be mad. 

 “Why?” Joker chuckled in irritation. “Just means we get to do this shit all over again tomorrow. Can’t wait.” 

He picked up his phone and she grabbed her towel and dried off a little. 

Jonny: Got the invite. Auction in two weeks. Lockdown location—somewhere outside of Gotham. Not public, not shared until go-time. I’m working on who’s hosting. 
Dead File is definitely the centerpiece. 

Joker’s expression grew dark as he read the message a few times.  

“You okay?”  Harley asked, sensing a shift in his mood. 

“Yeah, just go get in the hot tub. I’ll be there in a minute,” he said, fingers flying over the keyboard. 
 
Joker: Find the host. I want a list of names. Anyone invited. Anyone who even thought about putting this together. 

Jonny: On it.  

He grabbed another towel and ruffled it over his head, slicking his hair back as he started walking up the path to the house since the hot tub was on the first floor back porch. 

He wondered if Jonny was on it though, because he kept telling him all this information he wanted and yet he was getting back very slim results. He didn’t care anymore if this auction was held in Gotham or at the bottom of the fucking ocean. If that file was real—if it held even one piece of leverage on him—it had to be burned. He’d raze the entire fucking venue to the ground before he let it land in the wrong hands. He didn’t even care what was on it, he just didn’t want anyone else to have it. 

He saw Harley detour into the house ahead of him and figured she was probably going to make her margarita.

He continued to the hot tub and pulled the cover off, starting the jets before climbing in and sitting down, resting his arms over top the sides as the jets pulsed against his back and he savored the five minutes of alone time. 

Meanwhile, inside, Harley poured him a scotch and mixed herself a margarita at the bar, thinking. 

As usual, Joker wouldn’t tell her what was going on with his work, but she didn’t really care about that right now.  

She was heavy at work herself on him and their relationship, still on the biggest manic high she’d ever been on because of him telling her he loved her.

For once, he was actually being receptive to her attempts to give him the love he so desperately needed, and she could think of nothing else but not letting this opportunity slip through her fingers. She’d sparsely been away from him for two seconds because of it, mainly because she was so happy, but also because she was afraid if she was something would change and he would shut down on her again, and they’d go back to how they were before.   

But it wasn’t just her being clingy this time. It was actual treatment she was trying to conduct.  

Exposure therapy and counter conditioning.  

Basically, overwhelm the patient with their fears and triggers until they become desensitized to them, which in Joker’s case, meant no longer being scared of feelings and intimacy. Then, counter conditioning – getting him to associate the feared emotions with something pleasurable instead of something negative, hence why she was loving on him constantly.  

She’d actually been doing that for years now, but he was always so guarded it was just like she told him in the pool, he had barely let himself feel it.  

Of course, the way she was going about this was pretty rushed, really fucking manipulative, unethical, dangerous, and could probably backfire on her at any second, considering he was her boyfriend and the Joker, but she didn’t care about that either. She was willing to take the risk when she’d just been handed a once in a lifetime opportunity that she’d be stupid not to try to take advantage of, for both of their sakes.  

Him suffering this traumatic experience of losing her had seemed to crack him open just enough for her to be able to slip through deeper than she ever had, and now being alone in a controlled environment together, away from past triggers and distractions for the most part except for Jonny texting him...when the hell was she going to get an opportunity like this again? 

Being here meant she was able to stay in his head and under his skin all day long, which was good, because Joker certainly didn’t do well with space, even though he acted like that’s all he wanted. What he really wanted was to be able to use that time to rebuild walls and talk himself out of everything he’d just let himself feel and spin it into a negative. He was a creature of habit in that way, and so she didn’t know what to expect with this - if it would even work or not, although it seemed like it was.   

Just him saying those things in the pool meant something was happening, but it also meant he was onto her, so she’d have to tread carefully. She didn’t want to screw this up, but obviously it was a very delicate situation right now, and they were both scared, even if he wouldn’t admit it. 

She looked up and saw him get into the hot tub through the window, watching him for a minute before she grabbed both drinks and padded to the back door. 

Joker lifted his head when she came out.

He looked relaxed, and she hoped he was, but she doubted it. 

He watched her like a hawk as she got in the hot tub and handed him his drink, then sat down across from him.  

He sipped at the scotch, studying her curiously wondering why she was all the way over there when he expected her to be hanging off him like his necklace as usual. 

“What’s wrong?” He asked. 

“Huh? Nothing, why?” She took a drink of her margarita.  

Joker scratched his face.  

“Well…you ain’t all over me,” he said. 

She smirked. 

“Do you want me to be all over you? Because I certainly can be.” 

He shook his head, glaring. 

“No, I ain’t saying that.” He took another drink.  

He started watching a bird on the railing down the deck.

Harley observed him nonchalantly, swirling the straw in her drink like she wasn’t clocking every flick of his eyes her way. He thought he was being subtle, but she could practically hear the gears grinding in his head — what’s she doing? why isn’t she on me? did I screw something up?

That was the fearful avoidant in him. 

Joker hated wanting or needing anything from anyone else, especially if he had to ask for it. But she’d been hanging off him all week and he’d gotten used to it. Now she was giving him just enough space to notice the difference. 

It was all part of the process. Let him sit in it. Let him miss it. Because the truth was, Joker liked it. He loved her being wrapped around him. All the attention she gave even when he growled about it. She knew if she stayed back just long enough, he’d fold on his own, pull her in himself by whatever means necessary, usually by making it out to be like it was her who couldn’t get enough, which was true, but not always. Although that didn't matter. When he did, she’d be right there to make it feel too good to push away again, and hopefully after enough times, he’d stop feeling like he had to.  

“Seriously, what’s wrong?” He asked on cue, when the pressure became too much.  

“Nothing, I just figured you might want some space,” Harley replied.  

He smirked and let out a laugh.  

“Really, you thought that?”  

“Yeah, what’s funny about it?” She asked.  

“Nothing...just took you five days of being up my ass for it to cross your mind?”  

She sipped her drink.  

“Why are you being a dick now?”  

“I’m not...just come here. You know you want to be sitting with me.”  

“Not if you don’t want me to and you’re just going to be an asshole.”  

“That ain’t never stopped you before. Come here.” He held out his hand.  

She narrowed her eyes before she got up and waded over.  

Joker curled an arm around her waist when she settled into his lap, although he wasn’t sure why he’d said anything at all. He was sick of her being all over him, but it bothered him when she wasn’t?

She smirked and leaned in and pressed a kiss to his cheek, then another along his jaw, cupping it. Joker stroked her hip with his thumb, closing his eyes as her lips went down his neck, leaving a couple more hickies. They were both covered with them at this point.  

The steam from the water curled between them, and the jets thudded softly beneath. She found his hand beneath the water and slipped her fingers through his, feeling the tension bleed from him little by little. Her kisses were like a balm to his frazzled nerves. When she finally found her way back to his mouth again, she curled against him further, stroking his face, rubbing all over him.

“Tell me what your feeling,” she said, softly.  

“What I’m feeling?” Joker looked at her funny.  

“Yeah.” 

He acted like he was about to push her away, but then he frowned. 

“Like your skewering my fucking insides. Why are you doing that?” He asked. 

“Because its gonna help.” 

Joker shook his head. 

“I sure hope you know what you’re doing, doctor.” 

“I do, baby. I just need you to trust me to," Harley replied, giving him more kisses.

Joker puffed his cheeks as he leaned into her, all while his brain ran through the list of escape routes he’d come up still finding none of them were gonna get him out of this with her.

He dropped his head to her shoulder in exhaustion, and Harley’s chest tightened at the unexpected moment of weakness from him. Her arms came up around him instantly. Her hand cradled the back of his head, fingers combing gently through his damp hair. 

Tears burned at her eyes as she rested her cheek against his hair, because she knew this was probably excruciating to him—how every second he stayed like this was a fight against every instinct he had to pull away and shut down. She stroked his back, trying to be a grounding force, eventually he pulled back after a few minutes and slammed down the rest of his scotch, once again feeling like he was being ripped apart. 

Harley looked at him, caressing his chest and arms but he still looked ready to bolt.  

“Baby, do you think we get a dog?”  She asked, trying for a distraction to keep him from doing that. She'd been meaning to bring it up anyway. 

Joker’s eyes snapped toward her like she’d just asked if they could have a baby. 

“What? Absolutely not, Harley.” 

“Why not?” She pouted. 

“Because." Joker hissed. "I don’t need another needy little thing followin’ me around, makin’ noise and expectin’ me to keep it alive. I already got you.” 

Her lips curved. “Afraid you’d get jealous?” 

“No. I’d get annoyed. Then I’d make it disappear. Permanently.” 

She giggled and kissed his jaw. “But we could name it somethin’ real cute though.”

“Harley.” 

“—or real scary, like Cerberus." 

Joker knitted his brow. "What?"

She grinned.

“Oh, come on, Joker. I think you’d like it,” she said, petting his chest.

“No. I think it’d piss me off and then I’d kill it, and then you’d be all mad and crying for days,” Joker replied. 

“You wouldn’t do that to a puppy.” 

“Watch me.” 

She smirked.  

“Bet you wouldn’t.” 

“You wanna test that theory, doll?” He arched an eyebrow. 

She tilted her head. “Maybe I do.” 

“Too bad. We ain’t getting a fucking dog, so drop it.” 

“Well, what about a cat?” She shrugged.

“No.” 

“A fish?” 

Joker frowned.  

“You want a fish.” He said, flatly.

“How about a rabbit? Or a ferret?” She said, excitedly.  

“No...well, maybe the rabbit, but only because I’m sure it’d be tasty.” 

“Joker.” She popped out her bottom lip.  

He grinned. 

“What? They are. You never had rabbit?”  

“No. Why don’t you cook it for me sometime since you’re secretly Emeril.” 

“Because I don’t cook.” 

“You cooked for me.” 

“Once. I’m too busy to cook.” 

She rolled her eyes. 

“Right. You’d rather live on protein shakes and fucking steak, and energy drinks.” 

“Yeah, because it keeps me sharp. Not like all that empty sugar you run on.” 

“I like my sugar and my carbs. You drink grape soda.” 

“One can every once in a while. You are full of sugar all day long bouncing off the walls irritating me.” 

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.” Harley smiled. 

“It is,” Joker shot back. “You spike, you crash. I don’t. I run on ribeye, eggs, butter, and caffeine—steady fuel. No weakness.” 

She snorted. 

“Okay, well, I’m not getting into another caveman diet argument with you.” 

“Good cause you’d lose like always.”  

She smiled and shook her head and laid it on his shoulder. 

“Actually, you know what be a good pet?” He said.

Her eyes lit up. “A dog?” 

“A shark.” 

“…A shark?” She said, dully.

“Yeah.” He leaned back. “Put it in a big tank in the living room. Feed it raw meat. Watch it tear things apart when I’m bored. Why didn’t I think of this before?” 

“Puddin’ I ain’t living with no fucking shark. I already live with you,” she said, mocking him from earlier.  

Joker smiled. 

“I think it’s an excellent idea.”  

“You would.” 

“A shark is better than a dog. Easy way to get rid of people to.” 

“I was thinking of something more cuddly.” Harley frowned. 

 “Cuddly just means noisy, messy, and leavin’ hair all over my suits. A shark? Doesn’t bark, doesn’t shed, and only comes to the glass when it smells blood. Perfect.” 

“It’s cliché. A madman with a pet shark?” 

“It ain’t cliché, it’s a classic.” 

“I don’t want a shark.” 

“Then I guess we ain’t getting a pet.” 

 Harley slumped. 

“You’re no fun.”

“I’m plenty fun,” Joker replied. “I just don’t want something else in the house I gotta feed and pretend to like.” 

She chuckled.

“You still have to feed the shark, dick.”  

“Yeah, but at least that’s entertaining." Joker grinned. "...why do you want a dog anyway?”  

She raised her eyebrows and raised her head and looked up at him, like she was glad he asked that because she had a lot to say about it. 

“Well, seeing as how when we get outta here you’re probably going to have me locked up like fucking Rapunzel, I’m going to need some company.”  

“Seriously? So you want a dog?” Joker frowned. 

“Yeah. A cute one. One I can cuddle, take on walks, dress up in little sweaters—” 

“Jesus Christ,” he cut her off, rubbing a hand down his face. “You’re picturing some yappy little mutt in a tutu.” 

Harley’s grin widened. “Exactly!” 

He groaned. “No. I’m not sharin’ my house with a rat in a skirt.” 

“It’s not a rat, it’s a dog. And I betcha it’d love you just like I do.” 

Joker snorted. “Yeah, that’s the problem, Harley. If you had a tail it’d be goin’ a mile a minute every time I walk in the room.” 

“That’s ’cause I like seein’ you, asshole,” she shot back, elbowing him lightly in the ribs. “A dog would be the same way—’cept I’d take real good care of it. Walk it, feed it, brush it, play with it every day. You wouldn’t have to do a thing.” 

“Exactly,” Joker drawled. “I wouldn’t do a thing, but I’d still have to listen to it yappin’ and smellin’ up my house.” 

“You act like I’m gonna let it run wild. It’d be trained, it’d be clean, and it wouldn’t bug you.” 

“So you’re tellin’ me you’d give it more discipline than you’ve ever given yourself?” 

She glared. 

“I’d be a great dog mom, Puddin’. Better than great.” 

Joker gave her a skeptical once-over. “Uh-huh. And how long before you’re slippin’ it scraps from my plate and lettin’ it curl up on my side of the bed?” 

“Our bed,” she corrected with a pointed look. 

“My bed,” Joker corrected her back, without missing a beat. “And no mutt is puttin’ its flea-bitten paws anywhere near my sheets.” 

Harley sighed. “I ain't gonna bring home some mangy stray, you know. You wouldn’t even notice it was there.” She pouted. “You’re just bein’ stubborn ‘cause you don’t wanna admit you’d end up likin’ it.” 

“No, I’m bein’ smart because I know exactly how this plays out, Harley. Anything you love, you spoil rotten. Then it runs wild and I gotta be the bad guy. Remember the fucking birds you started feeding at the house?” 

Harley rolled her eyes. 

“Yeah, I remember you shot them all.” 

“Yeah, cause they were shitting all over the front porch because you were feedin' them all day and it wound up attracting a whole fucking flock.” 

“You didn’t have to shoot them, we could’ve just stopped feeding them.”  

“No, we couldn’t, because you wouldn’t stop, would you? You felt bad for them and said they looked hungry. Every time I turned my back you were out there throwing scraps and feed out into the driveway.” 

“I can’t help it I’m nuturin’, Puddin’.” Harley huffed.

“That’s fine, Harley, but the same thing will happen to the dog and then I gotta be the bad guy.”  

“Or…” Harley’s grin turned sly as she traced a finger along his chest. "You could be the fun guy who teaches it tricks and gives it a cool name. Imagine it. Our dog, ridin’ shotgun in your car, wearin’ a little purple collar.” 

Joker shook his head. “There ain’t gonna be no dog ridin in my car, first off. But let me guess, you’d be paintin’ its nails and puttin’ it in matching outfits with you.” 

Her eyes lit up. “Oh my God, yes!” 

Joker groaned.  

“Harley, no. I’m not living with no rhinestoned chihuahua on my lap. I got a reputation.” 

“Puddin', a dog would be good for us.”  

“Us? “ He chuckled. “Don’t rope me into your emotional support project.” 

“It ain’t an emotional support project It’s—” She paused. “Okay, maybe it is. But it’s also a guard dog! Someone breaks in, and boom! We got a furry little alarm system.” 

“Who the fuck would dare break into my house, Harley? And what’ll that do? A purse dog ain't stoppin’ anybody. The only thing it’s gonna guard is your shoes.” 

“Then we’ll get a bigger one!” she said brightly. “One with teeth. One that could rip a guy’s arm off if you told it to.” 

Joker sighed.  

“Harley...no.”  

“Then what am I supposed to do all day?!” She whined. 

“I don’t know! Clean the damn house or something!”  

She hissed. 

“We have a cleaning person.”  

He glared at her as she stared at him all hopeful and starry-eyed.  

“Fine! Get the damn dog! But I swear to god if that thing chews up anything, shits or pisses on anything, then you both are sleeping in the same cage.”  

“Okay!” Harley giggled happily. 

She started peppering his face with kisses. Joker glared.

“I’m only doing this so I don’t have to hear you whinin’ about it for the next six months.” 

“Uh-huh,” she said smugly. “Keep tellin’ yourself that, but I know you. Soon as that little face looks up at you, you’re gonna be toast.” 

“I don’t think so. I think I’m probably gonna wanna shoot it," Joker replied.

“No, you wouldn’t.” Harley smiled.  

“We’ll see.” 

Later That Night  

Joker lounged on the couch, feet kicked up on the coffee table, a plate of steak and eggs balanced on his lap.

The TV flicked between the security feeds—front gate, driveway, treeline—nothing but shadows and the occasional flicker of movement. Nothing worth a second glance.

He chewed a bite of steak, eyes half on the screens, half lost in thought.

Things with Harley just seemed to be getting more out of control. He’d told her she could get a dog today.

A fucking dog for christ’s sake.

What the hell was he thinking?

He already knew it was going to be a disaster, and yet he caved anyway, because she was hounding him to death, and because she wanted it so damn bad. He never would’ve agreed to this before… would he?

He’d always made sure sure got what she wanted—within reason. But dogs were not within reason. Or at least they hadn’t been. Now, apparently they were, and when they got back he was gonna have some bug-eyed ankle-biter prancing around in fucking Gucci looking at him all day long.

Fuck.

He shook his head and took a gulp of water before shoving another bite of steak in his mouth, thinking this was probably the moment that would mark his downfall, but realistically, it happened way before this, probably when he wound up as her patient.

The fire cracked in the hearth as he berated himself for giving in so easily. Then, maybe five minutes later he heard Harley’s footsteps on the stairs. She came down barefoot, wrapped in a blanket, wearing one of his t-shirts so big it swallowed her whole, hair mussed from sleep.

“Puddin’, what are you doin’?” she asked, frowning.

Joker glanced over. “What?” 

“I woke up and you wasn’t there.”

He looked down at his plate. “Well I was hungry. I’m eating. Didn’t realize I needed to leave a note?”

Joker looked at her funny, because she looked like she was about to cry. “What’s wrong?”

She swallowed, voice cracking. “I had a dream you was dead again, and then you weren’t there…”

Joker sighed and swallowed his mouthful of steak, the fork dangling from his fingers. “Well, as you can see, I’m still here, Harley,” he said, watching her come down the rest of the way.

She climbed onto the couch beside him, tucking herself into his side and resting her head on his shoulder.

He kept eating, but he was watching her from the corner of his eye, starting to wonder what the hell was up with her.

She kept having these nightmares about his crash every day. Then she’d be clinging to him like he might vanish at any second.

Watching him go down in that chopper had really fucked her up or something, and he didn’t understand it. He was the one who’d been in the crash. Shouldn’t he be the one with the issues?

“You want some steak?” He tilted the fork over towards her mouth.

She took the bite, but stayed quiet, curling her arm tighter around his.

Joker ate another piece himself, but something tugged at his chest, seeing her like this—all sick and shaken just because she thought he’d died.

He wondered if anyone else on the planet would care that much if he was gone.

Probably not.

That led to more dangerous thoughts. Like maybe it was or could be the two of them against the world, not just him anymore. Bonnie and fucking Clyde. She was the only person he had who actually gave a fuck about him, anyway. Everyone else was in it for the money, and that was fine. He never cared about having anyone close before. He saw vulnerability as liability because it required trust he didn’t want to give. People let you down nine times out of ten unless you were paying them, and even then, if they got a better offer, you could bet they'd take it and you'd be left in the dirt.

But not Harley.

He couldn’t think of a single time she’d failed him.

She wasn’t perfect of course—nobody was. She made mistakes, but she was always there when he needed her. Always ready to help.

If he was sick, or took a beating from Batsy, she was the one patching him up, taking care of him, even when he tried to fend her off. She’d led his crews to break him out of Arkham when he ended up there. Went out on the streets and worked over the people that owed him – under his and Jonny's supervision, of course. She even came up with pretty good plans when she managed to weasel her way into his business from time to time. And she’d survived his cruelty, especially at the beginning of their relationship when he was just trying to drive her off. But it never worked. It just made her tougher. And now she wasn't afraid to go toe to toe with him. It was funny, but it was also good for her when they lived this type of life. When she’d first started coming after him she had been a bleeding-heart - not that she still wasn't - also a bookworm, a rule-follower. He’d had to break her of all that when she decided she was gonna run with him and be his girlfriend. She'd been loyal and faithful as far as he knew. He'd asked her to live for him and she was...which made him wonder.

Could she say the same about him?

Was he there for her like that?

No, he knew he wasn't. 

But this past week was starting to make him want to be. 

He made sure she stayed alive and had everything her heart desired materially—but beyond that, he mostly left her to fend for herself. He just didn’t want to deal with feelings and emotions, and that was what she ran on. It was all she wanted to talk about. If she had it her way, they’d be cuddling nonstop and having sex every five minutes. Both of them would probably be overweight from not doing anything. Sometimes it was alright, but he had a business to run. He couldn't just be fucking off with her all the time. 

He knew she wanted more - this emotional closeness she kept talking about, but he wasn't sure he was even capable of it. All he ever felt was anger and violence and he liked it that way. This other shit felt wrong. 

“You wanna watch cartoons?” he asked, in an attempt to make her feel better.

She nodded and swiped another piece of steak off his plate.

He flipped to old Looney Tunes reruns and leaned back.

“You good?” He looked over at her warily.

She was being way to damn quiet for her. It was unnerving.

Harley nodded again, still not looking at him.

Joker tilted his head, finishing the last piece of steak on the plate.

He laid back and pulled her down with him.

“C'mere,” he said, wrapping them both in the blanket she brought from bed.

She cuddled into him, burying her face in his neck, warm breath on his skin. Joker kissed the top of her head and just held her, because he didn’t know what else to do, while Foghorn Leghorn and Bugs Bunny filled the silence.

“I love you," she said, a little later, a whisper in his ear between commercials.

Joker looked away from the tv, frowning, then glanced down at her.

She wasn’t looking at him or anything, not waiting for him to say it back—just watching the cartoons.

He stared up at the ceiling for a while before finally dragging his eyes back to the TV.

His jaw clenched. “…Yeah, I love you too,” he muttered.

Chapter Text

Another week had flown by and soon enough it was Harley and Joker’s last day at the cabin.  

They finally decided to leave the house and take a walk through the woods – at least Harley was walking.  

She shook her head again as Joker swung himself up into a tree like he was goddamn Tarzan, wearing only blue jogger pants and combat boots. He’d been climbing everything in sight since they entered the woods—rocks, fallen trees, regular trees. She didn’t know what was up with him, but she was pretty sure he took something and that he was gonna wind up breaking his neck. 

“Puddin’ are you sure you didn’t take something and not share it with me?” she asked, when she saw him do a front flip off a stump like he was practicing parkour. 

Joker ran up a tree and did a backflip next, falling on his ass and grinning like a lunatic. “Wouldn’t you like to know.” 

“I would, actually.” Harley squinted at him. “What’s with all the tree-hoppin’? You tryin’ to impress the squirrels?” 

Joker shrugged, then started climbing a low-hanging branch. “Can’t a guy enjoy a little nature?” 

“You’ve been climbin’ trees like a cracked-out raccoon for twenty minutes.” 

“Because I’m an apex predator, baby, ” he called down to her from where he was sitting on the branch now, swinging his legs. 

“You’re gonna fall on your face.”  

“Nuh-uh.”  

He dropped from the branch with a thud, landing in a crouch again like it was part of some dramatic stunt, then popped up fast and started walking backwards in front of her, his arms spread wide like he was giving a deranged nature tour. 

“You’re actin’ awful strange for someone that didn’t take nothin’.” Harley stared at him. 

“Strange?” he repeated. “Strange is sittin’ indoors on our last day, watchin’ cartoons we’ve already seen five times. This—” he gestured wildly to the trees, “—this is freedom!” 

Harley’s eyes widened as she laughed softly. “Yeah, it’s definitely somethin’. You sound like a wacked out life coach. You need to get your ass back to reality before you bust your skull on a root or somethin’,” she said, knowing damn well he was high. His eyes were practically black. 

“What did you take?” 

“Nothin’.” Joker spun in a slow circle as he walked. “It’s called energy. Maybe you’ve heard of it. Comes from sunlight and fresh air?” 

“Mmhmm, well, I ain’t never seen sunlight and fresh air do this to anybody, ‘cept maybe Superman.”  

He leapt over a log, then did a handstand on it and vaulted himself back onto his feet. 

“You’re on somethin’.” 

“Love,” he said dramatically, twirling once and then tripping slightly over a root. “I’m on love.” 

Harley snorted. “Well, now I definitely know you’re high.” 

He sprinted ahead and jumped onto a large flat rock, striking a ridiculous pose with his arms raised, chest puffed, chin up like he’d just conquered a mountain. 

“I own this forest!” he shouted. 

Meanwhile, a squirrel scurried by completely unimpressed. 

Harley clapped slowly.  

“Bravo. The trees are real honored to have you.” 

Joker hopped down from the rock and jogged back toward her. His pants were streaked with mud already, his boots completely wrecked, and somehow, he looked proud of that. 

“You think the trees like me?” he asked her, completely serious. 

“I think they’re scared of you,” Harley giggled. “Like the rest of nature right now.” 

He grinned. “Good.” 

She sighed, although she was smiling as he kept circling her like some manic forest goblin, picking up sticks, throwing rocks, pointing out mushrooms like they were buried treasure. When he did a backflip off an embankment and fell into the bushes though, she finally stopped. 

“Baby, come here.” 

Joker paused mid-step, stick in hand.  

“What?” He walked over to her. 

“You’re acting like you snorted pixie dust,” Harley smoothed his hair back. “Seriously, what did you take?” 

He tilted his head, thoughtful. “Maybe I’m just… happy?” 

She smiled softly. 

“Mm, well I’m glad you’re happy, but I’m afraid you’re gonna hurt yourself, honey.” 

“I can’t help it my blood is buzzin' with the vibrations of the forest.” He shrugged and took off again. 

“Oh boy.” Harley shook her head, wishing she had a phone on her right then so she could record this. “Yeah, or maybe it’s whatever you slipped in your Red Bull this morning, which is dangerous by the way.” She grabbed his arm again when she caught up with him.  

“What?” Joker whined as she held her fingers to his neck. His pulse was off the charts.  

“Okay, just sit down here with me for a minute before you stroke out.”  

“Fine,” he moaned and pouted.  

They sat at the base of a tree, and Harley handed him a bottle of water. 

“Drink this.”  

He looked at it, then guzzled half before wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, then scraped up dirt for more rocks to throw. 

“You ain’t gonna start headbuttin’ trees next are ya?” She watched him with amusement. 

“That wouldn’t be very nice.” He grabbed a pinecone and chucked it straight up into the canopy. It fell down and almost hit him in the head. 

“You havin’ fun?” She smiled.

“I’m listening to the trees,” Joker said, ripping the pinecone apart. 

“Oh, and what are they sayin’?”  

“They want me to go that way.” He started to get up, but then he stopped like he’d heard something dangerous.  

Harley glanced around, but saw nothing. 

“You ever think about how many murders could happen out here and nobody’d know?” He asked. 

She raised a brow.  

“Uh, yeah, I have, why?” 

“I'm just sayin',” Joker began walking backwards through the trail again, arms winding like windmills while she got up and dusted herself off to follow. “We could disappear forever in these woods. No cameras, no Feds, no Jonny textin’ me every ten minutes with another damn update.” 

“You say that like you ain’t already losin’ your mind just being out here two weeks – case in point.” 

“Well, I have excellent survival instincts.” He stepped over a tangle of roots like he was floating. “I’d make friends with the wildlife. Form a militia. Establish a kingdom.” 

“And start what? The squirrel mafia?” 

“Exactly.” He turned on his heel and pointed at her. “And you, my dear, would be queen of the raccoons.” 

She laughed.

“I ain't takin’ care of no raccoons, J. You know they’ve got those little people hands, right? That’s creepy.” 

“That’s efficient.” Joker picked up a stick and spun it around like a warrior going into battle. “We could arm them. Train ‘em. Send ‘em into Gotham with tiny knives.” He grinned and tossed the stick into the trees like it was a javelin. “I’m just brainstorming.” 

“You need to breathe,” Harley replied.

Instead, he scaled a nearby boulder sticking out of the side of an embankment, standing at the top like he was about to rally all the forest creatures to his cause. 

“The city won’t know what hit it,” he declared. “My army of woodland warriors will reclaim the streets! Chaos will reign! Anarchy in fur coats!” 

She rubbed a hand over her face and giggled.  

“Yeah, you tell 'em, babe.” 

Joker bowed theatrically. Then, he slid down the rock with a bit too much momentum and nearly face-planted into the dirt, causing her to wince.  

He popped back up like a spring-loaded maniac, dirt smeared across his palms and a twig sticking out of his hair. He didn’t even blink, just dusted his hands off on his joggers, which were now even more destroyed than before. Then, he took off running again, jumping over a patch of ferns and crashing through the underbrush like a sugar-high deer. His laugh echoed through the trees. Harley laughed to as she trudged after him, how could she not? 

 By the time she caught up again, he was standing on top of a fallen log now that was stretched across a small ravine above her, arms stretched out like he was about to walk a tightrope to cross to the other side. 

“Don’t,” she warned. “You’re gonna fall and snap your ankle, and I’m not draggin’ your ass back to the cabin.” 

Joker stuck his tongue at at her and took one exaggerated step.  

“I’m provin’ myself to the trees,” he said, and proceeded to walk across it. 

 The log creaked halfway though, and wobbled. He hurried and jumped off before it could roll, landing in another bush.  

Harley sighed as he ran back up to her with scrapes and scratches all over him this time, some of them bleeding. She frowned at the sweat pouring off him, just praying he wasn’t gonna have a heart attack. It wasn’t like she could even leave this place or had a car to drive him to a hospital. She didn’t even know where they were. 

 “You got maybe one more backflip left before your knees quit and you gotta spend the next month laid up,” she told him, only for him to bring her a pile of acorns. 

“What if these are magic? What if they turn you into a wolf?” 

“A wolf?” She snorted. “Baby, you’re already halfway there, and without the acorns. Trust me, you don’t need those.” She knocked them out of his hand and slipped her fingers through his to keep him by her side.  

“I need to climb that tree.” 

“No, you don’t. The trees told me so.” 

“You can hear them to?” He asked in shock. 

“Yep.” She smiled. “They said go back to the cabin and wait for further instructions.” 

Joker blinked. “Oh.” 

“Yeah.”  
 
He looked up at the trees like he expected one of them to tell him themselves, but there was nothing but a bird fluttering off a branch. 

“What else did they say?” he asked. 

She shrugged, smothering a laugh. “Nothin yet. Just that we need to go back to the cabin.”  

Joker squinted at her, then slowly reached down as they were walking and picked up another pinecone on the trail. 

“No,” Harley said, when she saw what he was doing. “Put it down.” 

Joker frowned sadly. 

“Y’know, you’re startin’ to sound a lot like the squirrels.” 

“Well, that makes sense because they take orders from me, so I’m not surprised,” she replied. 

“Really?” He asked, stunned again, as if that made it all make sense. 

“Yep.” 

He tossed the pinecone straight up, then caught it with a grin. “I’m gonna offer it as tribute. To the trees.” 

“No, you’re done.” Harley snatched it from his hand and flung it into the woods. “They don’t want that.” 

Joker gasped at her like she’d committed a crime even he wouldn’t commit. “That was symbolic, Harley!” 

She giggled. “No, baby, that was your last brain cell.” 

“Why don’t they want it?”  

“’Cause they already have some.” She shrugged. 

He pouted as they turned a corner and leaves rustled beneath their boots.  

Joker kept glancing up at the trees like they were whispering secrets behind his back now. 

“…You don’t think they’re mad at me, do you?” He asked, worriedly. 

“Who?” Harley frowned. 

“The trees.” 

She grinned. "You think they hold grudges?” 

“Of course they do. Nature is vengeful. Haven’t you ever seen The Happening ?” 

She shook her head. “Joker, that movie sucked.” 

“Doesn’t mean it wasn’t right.” 

“Well, if the trees try anything, I’ll protect you. Cross my heart.” She smiled at him. 

“Even if they send the raccoons after me?”  

“Especially then.”  

He stopped and smiled at her softly, pulling a bunch of leaves out of his pocket with his free hand. He reached out and tucked one into her hair like it was a crown. 

“There. Now you look like a forest queen.” 

“Well, aren’t you sweet.” She leaned over and kissed him, giggling. 

He beamed at her and swung their hands back and forth.  

Harley just kept laughing since this was another new one for her. She’d never seen adorable Joker before – domineering, sexy, insane, infuriating Joker, yes, but this adorable one was too cute.

It must’ve been the way his mud-streaked grin stretched too wide. How bright and soft his eyes were. The way his damp hair was sticking all over the place and stuck up from tree-climbing. Also, the fact he was holding her hand like a little boy all excited to be on an adventure. She needed to find whatever he took and save some for later. 

“So, we really gotta leave tomorrow, huh?” He asked, the closer they got to the cabin. 

“Yeah,” Harley said, smiling at the disappointment in his voice. “Back to the real world.” 

He made a face.  

“Ugh. I liked it better when it was just you and me.” 

“Is that so?” She grinned. 

“Yeah.” 

“Hmm, me to. You sayin’ you wanna stay out here forever now? Be king of the squirrels?” 

Joker shrugged. “Better than goin’ back to Gotham. Stupid auctions.” He grumbled. 

“Auctions?” Harley chuckled, figuring it was more drugged up nonsense. 

But by that point, Joker was too far gone to realize he was about to start revealing secrets.  

“Yeah. The dead file thing,” he muttered, stepping over a root and kicking a rock. “Stupid name. Might be real, but then it was real and now it’s got a date and a time and—hah!” He stopped, turning around like he just remembered something brilliant. 

 “Well, what’s the dead file?” She asked, frowning a bit. 

“Hmm?” Joker blinked. “Oh, nothin’. Just thinkin’ out loud. Gotta crash the party, that’s all. Burn the place to the ground, wipe the files, kill the guy who’s holdin’ the stick.” 

“Stick? What stick?”  Harley was so confused.

“ Metaphorical stick. Power stick. The guy runnin’ the auction. Might be Waller. Might not be. Could be some suit she hired. Don’t matter. They die either way.” 

“Wait...Waller?” She stopped. “What are you talking about? What’s she got to do with it?” 

But he was already distracted again by another bird. “I wonder if it knows? Birds see everything. If they’re workin’ for Waller, we’re screwed.” 

“Puddin’," Harley placed her hand on his chest over his erratic heart, getting the feeling this might actually be for real. “What file?” 

Joker turned his head to her, lips parted like he was about to tell her something huge—then a butterfly floated past them.  

“Whoa.” 

She sighed as he twirled in a slow circle to follow it. 

“You’re seriously high right now,” she muttered, grabbing his arm and tugging him back in the right direction. 

“Vitamins.”  

“Huh?”  

“Vitamins...I can see my soul , must’ve been the B12.” 

She laughed. 

“Uh, yeah, sure, that must’ve been it.” 

He leaned closer, eyes wide and glassy. “I’m dialed in, Harley. Tuned to the frequency. I know things now.” 

“Yeah? Like what?” She smirked. 

Joker tapped the side of his head and whispered, “the file's not supposed to exist. But it does. And it's got things in it that aren’t supposed to be remembered . Things I didn’t even know I forgot.” 

“What?” She paused again. 

He broke away from her and spun in another circle, arms wide.  

“Jonny got an invite. Took a bribe. Classified credentials. Waller’s fingerprints all over it, but nothing concrete. Just enough to piss me off.”  

Harley shook her head. 

“Okay...just wait." She watched him spin around a tree, trying to make sense. “You’re saying there’s some kind of file about you that somebody’s puttin’ up for auction, and Waller has something to do with it?” 

“Mmhmm.” Joker grinned, but then he fell down, dizzy from the tree spinnin’.  

“That’s what they think, anyway. Think they can bait me out. Flash some redacted nonsense and I’ll come runnin’. But nah. I’m smarter than that.” 

“Well, what’s in the file?” Harley asked, wrinkling her forehead. “Stuff about your past?” 

“Dunno,” Joker chirped, then burst into a fit of giggles. “Dead File serious. HAH!” 

“Okay, no. Back it up. What’s in the file, Joker?” She walked over to him. 

His grin faltered for half a second, just a blink, but then he looked up at the trees again like they might answer for him. 

“…I dunno,” he mumbled, slower now. “Stuff from… before.” 

“Before what?” She rubbed his arms. 

He blinked. “I dunno. I said that already. But I keep seeing it.” 

“Seeing what?” Harley took his hands in hers. 

He looked at her like he was about to reveal something big, but then… 

“Uh-oh,” he said. 

“What?” 

“I think I’m hungry.” 

Harley sagged. 

“Really? Puddin’ focus.” She sighed and took his face in her hands and made him look at her. “What are you seeing?” 

Joker blinked for a moment, his eyes darting back and forth like he was watching something play out in his head, then he smiled. 

“You.” He kissed her gently. “I love you.”  

Harley’s huffed, as she stared at him, but then slowly, a smile broke across her face. 

“I love you to.” She kissed him back. 

He grinned. 

“Good, then come on. We gotta eat.” He grabbed her hand and started walking faster, brushing branches out of his way with a little more force than before. 

She could barely keep up, and now her thoughts were racing, wondering if there actually was a file, and if he was remembering things and not telling her. 

He smiled at her sweetly when they reached the cabin. 

“You wanna eat peanut butter and jelly with me?” 

She chuckled and circled her arms around his waist, kissing his jaw.

“Yeah I do, but your gonna kick yourself later for eating all those carbs.” 

“Why? I like carbs,” Joker replied, pulling her into the house.  

She snorted and followed him into the kitchen.  

There, they made pb&j’s together and ate them out on the deck. Harley giggled nearly the whole time while he talked her ear off about turning the forest into their second empire – a forest casino ran by the animals. 

“I’m tellin’ ya, Harley,” he said through a mouthful of bread, “we set up a woodland casino right out here—lanterns in the trees, roulette wheels made outta old barrels, blackjack tables carved from logs.” 

She raised a brow. “And who’s runnin’ the tables? The deer?” 

“Raccoons, obviously. Classy ones. Tiny bow ties, little green visors. We teach the squirrels to run the drinks. Fast service, no tips, and the owls? Security. Eyes everywhere.” 

She held her stomach in laughter. “Uh-huh, and what happens when the raccoons decide to skim the till, huh?” 

Joker shrugged. "We take their bow ties. Public humiliation. Puts ‘em right back in line.” 

“That’s sounds like a brilliant idea, baby," she smiled at him softly.

“I know.” Joker yawned. 

He closed his eyes, and Harley took the empty plate from his hands since he looked like he was finally about to pass out. 

“You gettin’ tired?”  

“Yeah...I think I wanna lay down,” Joker said, frowning.  

“You okay? Are you sick?” 

“No, just really sleepy.” He rubbed at his face. 

He got up suddenly and started trudging to the house. Harley got up to follow him, not wanting him to wind up on the floor or somewhere else. 

“You wanna take those muddy clothes off and get in bed?”  

“No,” Joker replied, collapsing on the couch instead.  

She tilted her head at him when he went motionless as soon as he hit it the cushions. 

She stared for a moment and then walked over nervously, checking his pulse again, hoping he hadn’t dropped dead on her, but it was still going strong.  

She covered him up with a blanket and shook her head, because whatever the hell he’d taken had really fucked him up. But at least he had fun and it had been entertainment for her, and she’d gotten some interesting information out of him.  

Now she knew what he had been incessantly texting Jonny about since they’d arrived - a file. One that may or may not have information about him from before he was Joker, that Waller had either put together or was making up trying to bait him out into the open.  

Harley thought that sounded like her because Waller was a grade A bitch. She had seen it herself. And of course Joker wouldn’t want that information falling into anyone else’s hands, so now he was forced to check it out. It was right up Waller’s alley, and Harley didn’t like that.  

She didn’t want anything else to do with Waller. She especially didn’t want Joker getting into a war with her. But she knew that was probably too late. He was already pissed off, rightfully so, and she’d be lying if she said she didn’t want to see what was in that file herself to, if it was real. 

 Knowing Waller, she had probably scraped up every detail she could about him. Harley had been trying to crack Joker’s code for years, wanting desperately to know what made him turn to this personality, but he always told her he didn’t remember. Not even at Arkham. Of course he’d just been telling her what she wanted to hear there so she would do what he wanted. Still, she believed him when he said he only had fragments of his memories, and they had talked about them a little bit. 

A brunette in the rain. That was one of the main things he’d given her that stood out. He would get so quiet whenever it came up. Not necessarily sad, but like he was trying to figure it out himself. 

The rest of his past was just… shards. Pieces, but never big enough to see the whole picture. Faces without names. Bits of conversation that didn’t lead anywhere. She had been a shrink long enough to know when someone was dodging and when they really didn’t remember. With him, she thought it was a little of both. Some things he couldn’t reach, and others he wouldn’t let himself touch. 

Maybe this file connected the pieces. Maybe it was the whole puzzle which would be very useful for her to know so she cold continue helping him. But it was also dangerous.  

The Joker she knew now was built from the gaps, but whatever happened before was what made him into this, still there working beneath the surface. What would it do to him if he knew about it? If he was shown his past? 

He'd already lived it once, and the result was this. What happened if he saw what was in the file and it triggered everything?  

That could be catastrophic.  

For everyone.  

Later That Night  

The dim orange light of sunset poked through the cabin windows as Joker finally woke up. 

His head felt like it had been dropkicked by a horse, and his limbs were heavy, mouth dry, stomach sour. 

He groaned. 

What the hell had happened to him?  

He sat up slowly on the couch, neck cracking, muscles stiff. His boots were still on—why were his boots still on? And why was he all muddy?  

He could smell the pine needles and damp earth on him, and something else... 

...peanut butter? 

The hell?  

He scrubbed a hand down his face, wincing as the room tilted slightly. His brain was mush. The only thing he could remember last was him and Harley talking about going for a walk in the woods. Had he fallen asleep instead, but that didn't explain the mud.

“Harley?” he croaked out. 

He stood up, but it was too fast and he immediately regretted it. The room swam, and he threw an arm over his mouth to stop from throwing up.  

“Oh, fuck,” he muttered, and managed to get to the kitchen.  

He grabbed a glass of water, downing it in gulps because he was so thirsty. His throat burned like he’d swallowed battery acid, and he stumbled to the bathroom next to relieve himself, splashing cold water on his face and staring into the mirror.  

His reflection stared back at him—mud-streaked, bleary-eyed, and worn the hell out. There was a leaf stuck to the side of his head, and his pupils were still too damn wide. 

“What the fuck ?” he muttered, peeling the leaf out of his hair.  

Meanwhile, outside, Harley was on the second floor back deck reading when she heard the patio door open behind her.   

She glanced over as Joker shuffled out, looking queasy and like he’d been hit by a truck and then dragged through a bog.  

There was dried mud caked halfway up his joggers. His eyes were bloodshot, pine needles and god-knows-what else stuck in his hair, and there was still a faint smear of something – maybe peanut butter, on his jaw. 

She broke into a smile and flipped a page in her book. 

“Well, if it ain't the king of the forest.” She descended into more giggles. 

“Huh?” Joker groaned, gripping the railing like it was the only thing keeping him vertical because it was. “What the hell happened to me? I feel like I got into a fight with a bear.”  

“You were certainly trying.” She smiled. 

He winced and came to sit down on the end of her lounge chair, feeling worse by the second. He moaned and laid halfway across her lap because he felt so sick. 

“What happened?” He asked. 

Harley smirked and stroked his hair, picking out the remnants of the forest stuck in it. 

“Well, what happened is that I had to babysit you because you were tripping balls when we went on our walk, that’s what happened.”  

“How? I didn’t take anything.” Joker moaned. 

“Oh yes, you definitely took something. Some kind of vitamins – at least that’s what you said, except I don’t think they were vitamins. You look like shit.” 

“I feel like shit.”  

“I’m not surprised. You were running around like you were a fucking orangutan. Climbing trees, jumping off rocks, doing flips. Wallowing in the bushes. Talkin to the trees.”  

“Jesus christ.”  

“Yep,” she grinned some more. “Plottin' to takeover Gotham with a raccoon army.”  

“What?” 

She laughed. “Yep. You were so funny. High as a kite, but happy as a little clam.” 

He shook his head. 

“I need to take a shower.” 

“I bet. Hopefully you didn’t get poison on you rolling through all those weeds.”  

“Fuck.” Joker hissed as he sat back up. He held his head with both hands.  

Harley watched him shaking her head. 

“Puddin’, what did you take?” She asked. 

“Nothin’, I swear. What else did I say?”  

She shrugged, deciding to keep the little tidbit about the file to herself for now. 

“It wasn’t exactly coherent, baby.”  

“Great. I feel like I’m gonna throw up.” 

He got up and hobbled back towards the house holding his stomach. Harley sighed at how awful he looked and then got up and went after him. 

Joker dragged himself towards the bedroom, cursing under his breath as he entered the bathroom. He started the shower, barely able to stand. 

Out in the bedroom, Harley searched through her purse, pulling some nausea meds out, popping an ondansetron chewable from a blister pack, she slipped into the bathroom and found he was already in the shower and started undressing, figuring he probably needed help, since he could barely stand. When she opened the door to the shower, she found him under the spray, still wearing his pants and boots, holding onto the wall with brown mud running along the tiled floor towards the drain in the center.  

“Baby, here,” She ran her hand over his back. “Open your mouth,” she said.  

“Why?”  

“Medicine for the nausea.”  

He opened his mouth and she stuck the dissolvable on his tongue.  

Joker frowned as she bent down and started taking his boots off, then his pants.  

There was mud everywhere.  

She wrung some of it out of his pants, but set them in the corner along with the shoes, because that would just have to go in the washing machine. Then she stood up and turned him around under the water. 

Joker moaned miserably, too sick to argue with anything she was doing. Besides, she was already lathering the rest of him down with soap from his neck to his toes anyway, inspecting his body. 

She saw he had a couple of red spots with some blisters from whatever poison he’d gotten into, and some scratches and cuts to, but nothing too deep. Thankfully, by the time she got to his hair the nausea had subsided a little. He tipped his head forward at her request while she washed his hair, scratching at his scalp softly, getting his face with the suds at the same time, not wanting to take too long because he was looking kinda weak.  

She helped rinse all the soap off him and then looked up.  

“Better?” She asked. 

Joker nodded.  

“Thanks.” He mumbled.  

“You're welcome, but I think you need to lay down again.”  

“Me to.”  

They got out of the shower and Harley dried him off, then herself.  

Joker went to the bedroom and put on a fresh pair of boxers and then went straight to the bed and flopped onto it, curling into the fetal position.  

“You want some more water?” Harley asked, while she was getting dressed.  

“No,” Joker slid under the blankets.  

Harley started brushing her hair when she noticed his bottles of vitamins on the dresser and narrowed her eyes.

There were so many of them that she had no idea why he was taking them all. He should have been getting all the vitamins he needed from all the meat and electrolytes he was eating, but he liked to experiment with everything. She grabbed the multivitamin bottle and opened it up and shook a few into her palm. They were normal looking enough, nothing overly suspicious. Then there was turmeric – l-theanine – like he needed that on top of all the Red Bull he was drinking. Creatinine – vitamin C – vitamin D. She checked them all again not noticing anything out of the ordinary until she got to the turmeric.  It was usually orange in color, but these pills were pale green, with specs of purple in them that looked like glitter. She got one out and inspected it, then took them over to the bed.  

“Puddin’, what is this?” She asked, holding one of the pills in her palm. 

Joker cracked an eye open.  

“What?”  

“This pill. It's supposed to be tumeric, but it don't look like tumeric."

Joker glanced at the pill and frowned.  

“Where's the bottle?”  

Harley held up it up and shook it between her fingers.  

Joker’s frown deepened as he took it, flipping the lid, looking inside.  

He closed his eyes with a sigh and let his head flop back onto the pillow.  

“Well, that explains it. Are you fucking serious,” he said, glaring.

“What?” Harley frowned. 

“Well, that ain’t turmeric, doll, it’s fucking Chaos Dust.”

“Chaos Dust?” She asked. “What the hell that? One of your experiments?” 

“Yeah, it’s a new formula. I put them in there cause I ran out of bottles when I was making it. I just ran out of the other tumeric and brought that as a backup. I didn’t even look at it when I took it.” 

“So…” Harley grinned. “You are telling me that you dosed yourself then?” 

Joker let out a sigh while she started laughing.

“Yeah. I’m glad you find this amusing,” Joker replied.

“Oh, baby, I find this more than amusing.” She cackled some more. 

He handed her the pill back. 

“Great. You take some then and tell me how funny it is afterward.”  

She grinned and shook her head.

“No, I ain’t takin’ that,” she put it back in the bottle. “I know what happens and I’ll pass. Also,  I don’t wanna butt in on your whole mad scientist thing, but seems like it needs some tweaking.”  

“You think?” Joker asked, flatly.  

Harley smiled and set the bottle on the nightstand, then curled up in the bed with him, caressing his face soothingly. “Well, at least you know it works I guess.”  

“But that’s the thing. I don’t know because I have complete memory loss." 

“Well, I can attest that it does. But that’s probably a good thing for you that you don’t remember. And lucky for you I didn’t have a phone because I would’ve been recording you chasing butterflies and asking me if the trees were mad at ya.”  

Joker rolled his eyes as she combed his wet hair back.

“There was one other thing you said though...you wanna tell me about this dead file?”   

His eyes popped open. 

“How the hell do you know about that?”  

“Because, you were telling me all about it.” 

He groaned. 

“Seriously?”   

Harley beamed and nodded. 

“Yeah. Something about Waller and an auction?”  

“Well, it ain’t important,” he said, dismissively. 

“Mm, some file you think has information about you and your past? Sounds important.”  

“It’s probably just a trap.”  

“Maybe, but ain’t you curious what’s in it?” 

“No, but I sure as shit ain’t gonna let anyone else get their greedy fingers on it either. I don’t care what it says.” 

 “Oh, well I’d be curious to know what it says about you.”  

“I’m sure you would, that way you can psychoanalyze me some more," Joker replied.

“Well, my psychoanalyzing has been working out pretty well for us this trip, hasn't it?”    

Joker didn't answer, but they both knew she was right.  

“J, I know you’re mad at Waller. So am I. She’s a fucking bitch, but just be careful with her, okay? She almost killed us once – me several times.”  

“And that’s why she has to die,” Joker replied. 

“You really think she’s going to bother us when we go back to Gotham?”  

“You wanna let her live and wait around and find out? Next time we end up at Arkham we could wind up at her mercy. She needs to be eliminated.”  

“Maybe...I just think it’s weird she’s coming for you so quickly. She seems like the kind that makes sure all the pieces are in place first.”  

“Well, that’s either ‘cause she’s emotional, or she does think she has all the pieces in place.”  

“Do you think she does?”  

“I think it doesn’t matter, and you don’t need to worry about it because she ain’t gonna outsmart me. She caught me off guard when she took you, but it ain’t gonna happen again. And she’s gonna fucking pay for what she did to us. I didn’t start this, she did.”  

“I know, but she’s pretty crazy to, Joker.”  

“Well, she ain’t crazier than me. She’s just like the rest of them. Some bitch trying to make a name for herself that stepped into the wrong territory. She’s gonna find out, trust me.”  

Harley sighed and snuggled closer to him.  

“If you say so,” she kissed his forehead. “...I can’t believe it’s our last night here. I’m gonna miss this place. I know it was for hidin’, but this is the first sort-of vacation we ever been on. It was nice having you all to myself.”  

Joker shrugged.  

“I thought it’d be worse being here alone with you for two weeks.”  

Harley snorted and shook her head.  

"What?" He smiled. 

“You’re so fucking romantic, you know that?”  

Joker knotted his forehead.

“I don’t do romance.”  

“Yeah, sometimes you do. On a rare occasion. This ain’t one.” 

He snicker softly and they just looked at eachother while they were all snuggled face to face.

There was alot of things that entered Joker's mind then that he could've said to her, and maybe even wanted to say to her – should've said to her, in that moment, but it all sounded too sappy, so he just kissed her softly instead, and pulled her closer. As they lay there, knowing it was their last night. Harley could feel the impending reality of their lives back in Gotham start to settle in, and the little bubble they’d been living in the past two weeks start to deflate. Her number one worry that had not left her mind since things started getting better between resurfaced again. She slid her arm over his side and pressed herself into his chest. 

“Baby, can you promise me something?” She mumbled against his skin and the blankets. 

Joker slumped. 

“Harley, you’ve had me making more promises the past two weeks then I ever made in my entire life probably.”  

“Because they are things that are important to me. And at least since I know you don’t like making promises then you take them seriously.”   

“Well, what is it now?”  

She chewed her lip.  

“Will you promise things won’t go back to the way they were before with us?”  

Joker blinked, then frowned. 

“Wow. Your faith in me that low already?”  

“Baby, I do have faith in you.” She pulled back to look up at him. “But I can’t do all the work by myself.”  

“Harley, I’ve been trying here,” he said. "This sappy shit ain't exactly my strong suit."

“I know...and you been doing real good. I ain’t tryin’ to make you change who you are or nothin'. It’d just be nice to know you’re gonna keep trying once we get back to Gotham. I like being close to you like this, and I don’t want it to stop.” 

Joker sighed and studied her for a long moment. Her face was lined with worry and fear and dread, and while that was a bit of a let down considering he was making an effort to figure out what she needed from him to make her happy. He supposed he couldn’t blame her. 

He was still figuring all this out, and Gotham brought the cruelty out in him like nowhere else. He loved it there. The violence, the power, the games, and of course, the chaos. But, he also loved her, and he cared about how she felt about all of it now. That meant he was gonna have to strike some kind of balance between the man and the monster inside of him there like he’d done here, but he wasn’t exactly sure what that was gonna look like yet, or how many screw ups it was gonna take on his part until he got right without her thinking she was just gonna steamroll over him all the time, and that he was gonna give her whatever she wanted from now on, because that’s what he’d been doing here.

He'd never really listened to what she had to say before, not like he had the past two weeks. Apparently he's been letting her down worse than he thought. She was telling him how lonely she's been - basically miserable. But what did he expect her to say? It wasn't like he'd made much of an effort, and he'd avoided her like the plague most of the time, so... 

“J...”  

“I promise,” he said. 

Harley blinked and then smiled softly.  

“Really?”  

 “Yeah, baby. Just don’t worry about it.”  

Harley grinned and leaned forward and kissed his lips gently.  

“Thank you.”  

He grunted in response, the weight of his guarantee feeling heavy, but her smile made it feel worth it.  

He pulled her back against his chest, tucking her head under his chin.  

“Just don’t expect me to start holding your purse while we’re robbing a bank,” he muttered into her hair. 

“I wouldn’t dream of it, Puddin’." 

Chapter Text

This is a really long chapter. I tried to shorten it, but I felt like I needed to get all this in there. 

It took a couple of days to get back to Gotham.  

Long car rides, hotel rooms, and then finally, a private plane.  

It was evening when the blacked-out escalade finally pulled through the gates of Joker and Harley’s house in Old Gotham  – depending on which one of them you asked.  

It was a two storied towering red brick, with black steel wrought iron fencing surrounding the entire perimeter, but with hedges behind it too tall to see anything going on inside or outside, and a massive white garage in the back that the top brass of the crew operated out of. 

As the gates shut behind them, sealing the world out again, Jonny eased to a stop, and the low rumble of the engine faded.  

The matching brick driveway still glistened from an earlier rain, reflecting the warm exterior lights on the front porch.   

From the outside - to anyone dumb enough to believe it - it looked like a normal home. But on the inside, it was armed to the teeth. Reinforced walls, soundproofing, state of the art security systems, and an armory that would have dwarfed the GCPD in comparison.   

Harley glanced over at Joker, wondering what he was thinking.  

The closer they had gotten to Gotham, the quieter he’d become, and she’d be lying if she said it didn’t make her nervous.   

He’d promised her things weren’t going to go back to the way they were between them, and she wanted to believe him, but the ultimate test was about to begin, and she was scared.  

They’d made so much progress at the cabin she didn’t know how they could go back. But if any two people could find a way, she knew it would be them.  

“Stay here,” he said, and got out of the car with Jonny. 

She watched the two of them talk for a minute outside before Jonny walked off towards the garage, then Joker rounded the SUV and opened her door for her.  

“What’s wrong?” She asked. “Why are you looking around like that?”  

“Nothing’s wrong, come on.” He kissed her and grabbed her hand and helped her out.   

They walked up the front steps together where two more men were leaning against the smooth stone archway on either side under the lights.   

“Hey boys.” Harley smiled at them. 

They didn’t greet her back, at least not with Joker around, and he didn’t greet them at all.  

Instead, he ushered her inside faster, and she was wondering what the rush was.  

“Jeeze, J. You’d think somebody put a hit out on us or something.” Harley looked up at him once they got inside the foyer. “Wait...did they?” 

“What do you think, Harley?” Joker closed the door behind them. “Between burning down a prison, that bitch Waller trying to measure dicks with me, and all the wannabe me’s trying to takeover my turf while I was gone, this is why you can’t go anywhere alone from now on.” 

He took off his purple coat and laid it across the banister of the stairs, and Harley laid a hand on his bare chest, seeing how tense he was already. 

“Baby, it's gonna be fine.” She leaned up on her tip toes to kiss his cheek.

He gave a throaty growl. 

“I have work to catch up on,” he muttered, and headed for the kitchen.  

She frowned and trailed after him. 

“Okay...but you’re gonna have dinner with me later though, right?”  

Joker didn't reply, just got in the fridge and grabbed out another Red Bull. 

“Oh, and also, I need a phone,” she added.

Joker swung the refrigerator door shut that had hand drawn pictures of Batman all over it.  

“Yeah, absolutely not,” he said. 

“What? Why not?” Harley’s face fell. 

“Because, I don’t need you getting into anymore shit right now, Harley." He narrowed his eyes. "I need to focus for the next few months. And who the hell do you need to talk to besides me anyway?” 

She rolled her eyes and followed him out of the kitchen. “Uh, I do have friends, you know.”  

“Who? That green bitch Ivy?” They jogged up the stairs together. “You’re lucky I haven’t killed her for trying to turn you against me.”   

Harley sighed as they entered his office. 

“She wasn’t trying to turn me against you, Puddin’.” She crossed her arms, standing next to his desk while he went behind it and turned on his computer.  “She couldn’t anyway. What do you expect me to do while you’re workin’ if I can’t talk to anyone or go anywhere?” 

“I don’t know. Figure it out.” Joker sunk into his black leather chair, like a king taking his throne.  

He swiveled just enough to keep her in his peripheral while his eyes combed the information on the wall of screens.   

There were security feeds of the house and the surrounding streets, cash flow - what was late, who needed a reminder, Hacienda’s take from the weekend, a map of drops from his crews across the city, payments moving quietly through accounts that didn’t technically exist. He was taking it all in while Harley was shaking her head.  

“Joker.” She glared and kicked his leg gently. 

“What?” He gruffed back. “You’ll manage. Boredom’s better than a fucking bullet.”  

She pressed her lips and hopped up on the corner of his desk. 

“So, I’m just supposed to sit here all day like some porcelain figurine while you’re out there playin’ king of the city?”  

“I am king of the city,” Joker corrected her. 

 “Yeah, well, even kings let their queens have a life.”  

Joker smirked and glanced at her, amused by her referring to herself as his queen, but he supposed she wasn’t wrong he just hadn't thought of it like that.

 “Yeah, they do, when their king says it’s safe. But Gotham…” He gestured lazily toward the street feed on one monitor, “isn’t safe for you right now.”  

“But I ain’t helpless.” Harley argued. “You know that.”  

“No,” he agreed. “But you are distracted easily, aren’t you? Impulsive? Too trusting? Everytime you go out, you leave a trail, and we don’t need that right now, Harley.”  

 “Well, what if I need to talk to you while you’re gone, huh? And I can’t, ‘cause I don’t have a phone?” 

“Then wait until I get home,” Joker replied, simply. 

“Well, what if it’s important and I’m having a heart attack and need to call 911?”  

He scoffed.

“I seriously doubt you’ll be able to call 911 if you’re having a heart attack. If it’s important, it can wait. If it’s life or death, get one of the goons outside to help. Unless you’re already dead, then the point’s kinda moot, isn’t it? Does that cover everything?”  

“Wow. Real reassurin', Puddin’.” She scowled at him. 

“Oh, you want reassurance? In that case, don’t get yourself into anything that makes you need me when I’m not here.”  

“Yeah, or you could just give me a damn phone,” Harley suggested, not understanding why this was an issue. He just didn't want her to talk to anyone.

Joker slanted his eyes at her, because he was starting to get aggravated. 

“Honey, do you see me trying to work?”  

“Uh, yeah, do you see me trying to have a life?” 

He muttered something under his breath and went back to ignoring her.  

Harley chewed her lip. 

“You know, you said things were gonna be different when we got home.”  

 “Yeah, I did. But what else did I say? Except when it comes to me protecting you. That ain’t negotiable, doll, so stop fightin' me. Why are you fighting me is a better question.” 

“I’m not fightin' you,” Harley gave him a sad, pouty face. “I just want a phone.” 

“And I told you, you ain’t getting one,” Joker growled. “Look, do you think I want you in this fucking house all day gettin’ on my nerves? No. You should be out there terrorizing the city as usual because we own it, but things are hot right now and you can’t. For the same reason you can’t have a phone. You know how much shit I have to smooth over that you do in a week’s time, Harley? But I never say anything. I just let you keep doing what you’re doing. Now you act like I’m trying to keep you prisoner here. It’s for your protection, so just drop it and get the hell out of my office.” 

He glared and turned back to his computer. Harley was staring icy daggers at him, tears brewing in her eyes. 

He shook his head.

“You can glare at me all you want, doll, but it ain’t gonna help you none," Joker said.

“Fine!” She slid off his desk, then stormed out of his office. 

He hissed as she slammed the door, and nearly got up and went after her to set her straight some more, but then he pulled up a couple of account overviews and started checking them and got distracted, at least for a couple of minutes. That was the amount of time that passed before he started thinking about how she probably went straight to their bedroom and was crying right now.  

Fuck.

He sighed and hung his head.

Before, he wouldn’t have given a damn if she was sobbing in the streets, but this sure as hell wasn’t before, and now he wasn't gonna be able to concentrate.

He sunk lower into his chair, squeezing his hand around the computer mouse, then rubbed a hand over his face.

It wasn't like he didn't want her to have a phone. He just knew she’d be plotting within five minutes some way to get out of the house and he didn't want her going out. Because when she was out she was never paying attention to her surroundings, talking to every person with a fucking pulse until she ran into the wrong one. It never failed. Why couldn’t she just understand he was trying to keep her from being taken again? And it wasn’t like it was forever. He didn’t want her trapped here anymore than she wanted to be. It was just until he could get the Waller/file situation under control, but she didn’t seem to care about that. She just wanted to get herself into another situation he’d have to get her out of.  

God she was so fucking frustrating. 

He reached into the bottom drawer of his desk and pulled out a brand new burner phone, ripping open the package.

Meanwhile, down the hall, Harley was in their bedroom in the closet, and she was crying silently to herself.  

She was putting away the clothes from their ‘trip,’ hanging Joker’s pants because it was something to do to keep herself from breaking down completely. It didn’t help that she could still smell the faint pine and woodsmoke from the cabin clinging to the fabric from the little bomb fires they had in the evenings. That just made her chest ache even more, thinking about how he was there versus here, but mostly it pissed her off.  

She wasn’t saying he was completely back to his old self because it had only been ten minutes since they’d gotten home, but what just happened sure as hell felt like the thousands of interactions she’d had with the cold, cruel, and calculating Joker before, and she didn’t like it.  

He said he didn’t want her going anywhere without him because of the Waller stuff, but he never said anything about isolating her from humanity. But that was Joker for you. Any chance to control he took, and now she was afraid she was gonna go more nuts than she already was being in the house all day by herself. But apparently, he didn’t care about that. He just wanted her out of his hair already so he could go back to his chessboard and ignoring her and acting like she didn’t exist. And she was the one stupid enough to believe it would be anything otherwise.

A Few Moments Later

Joker hesitated outside the closet and cringed when he heard Harley crying inside.  

Jesus.

He closed his eyes and shook his head, wishing she didn't have to be so goddamn emotional all the time about everything. Especially now, when hearing her cry had started to feel like some of the worst beatings he ever took from Batsy, and those were not fun. 

He sighed and stepped into the doorway and leaned against it, drowning in guilt as usual. That's all he ever did anymore.

The floorboards creaked, and she looked up at him from where she was putting away socks, all running mascara and bloodshot eyes - hurt and miserable over a fucking cell phone. 

Christ. 

“Thought you were busy?” She glared at him. 

He held out the phone.   

“Here. Just take it.” 

She looked at him and then at it like she didn’t even want it anymore, except maybe to be able to throw it at him.  

“Oh, and what happened to it being dangerous?” She asked, raising an eyebrow. 

Joker shook his head. 

“Harley, I’m just trying to keep you close because I don’t want either of us to have to go through that again,” he replied. “...it ain’t forever.”   

He held it out some more, waving it so she would take it. 

“Then why can’t you just say that, Joker?” She frowned. 

“Well, I thought I made that pretty clear already.” 

“No. You’re just barkin orders as usual, treating me like a twelve-year-old girl.” 

He chuckled a bit. 

“Harley, you do act like a twelve-year-old girl most of the time.”  

“Fuck you.” She went back to hanging up the clothes. 

He sighed and crossed his arms.  

“Harley, come on.” He leaned his head against the wood of the doorframe.

“No, J. I get the reason, but you can’t just keep me locked up at the house because you’re scared.” 

“I ain’t scared,” Joker said. 

“Bullshit.” 

He groaned and Harley let her hands fall to her sides helplessly.

“Baby, I put up with your controlling behavior, but this is too much," she pouted. "I’ll lose my mind in this house by myself all day. Why can’t you just give me extra security or something?” 

“Because, Harley, that ain’t the point,” Joker frowned. “You gotta lay low for now, and be seen as least as possible.” 

“So you don’t trust your own guys?”  

He glared at her. 

“I didn’t say that. And don’t spin it that way to try to get your way. I told you, you ain’t going nowhere except with me or Jonny right now.”  

“Well, how’s that’s supposed to work when you and Jonny are joined at the hip? Especially now with this file thing you got goin’ on?”   

“Harley…” Joker puffed out his cheeks. “Where the fuck do you need to go so badly, huh?” 

“I wanna get my dog."

He stared at her flatly. 

“All this over a fucking dog?” 

“Yeah. You’re trying to lock me in this house. I need company.”  

 He muttered softly under his breath.  

“I ain’t trying to lock you anywhere. But fine, I’ll get you some more bodyguards so you can get your damn dog, but that don’t mean you’re gonna be going all over this city. Will that make you happy?” 

“That depends...”  

“On what now?” His shoulders slumped. 

“On whether or not your gonna promise me I ain’t gonna be locked up here all the time.”  

Joker shook his head. 

“No. I ain’t promisin’ nothin’ else because I don’t know what’s going to happen. This is one of the safest places for you right now. Do you wanna wind up back in that bitches' hands preforming like a meat puppet for her?”  

“No.”  

“Then why can’t you just trust me that I know what I’m doing?”  

He stepped forward and grabbed her hand and pressed the phone into it. 

“Just take this, try not to text half of Gotham with it, and calm the hell down because you're stressin' me already.”  

“Well, you’re stressing me out to.” 

“I ain’t done nothin’ to you except bring you home safe and sound. And can you just stop with the fucking tears, to? I’m doing my best here. You acted like you were fine with all of this before we came home.”   

“No I wasn’t, but I had other things on my mind at the cabin. Like us. Now we get back here and you act like things are gonna go back to how they were.”   

“No, they ain’t. I told you they ain't. I did promise you that. We just got home. Now I gave you the phone, didn’t I? Then some fucking bodyguards tomorrow so you can go get your bug-eyed mutt.” 

“Fine,” Harley replied. “...unless you wanna go with me to pick it out.”  

“No,” he said, instantly. “Now, anything else, or can I go back to work?”  

“Well, now that you mention it..”  

He gave her a look. “What?”  

“Well, I want you to eat dinner with me from now on like you did at the cabin, and not go hide in your office the rest of the night.”  

“I don’t hide in my office,” Joker said. 

“Yes, you do. You know that you do.”  

“Good fucking god," he muttered. "Alright. Fine. Whatever. You want one of my fucking kidneys too while you're at it to?”

 “No...” Harley smirked. “But a kiss would be nice.” 

He gave her a piercing look as she looked up at him expectantly, and shook his head.

“You just think you’re real cute, don’t you?” He pulled her closer, "gettin’ me to roll over for you.” 

“Yeah, I am cute. Cute as a fucking button. Be glad I’m lettin’ you kiss me.” She growled back.  

He chuckled as he bored his eyes into hers. 

“That fucking mouth is gonna get you in trouble, honey,” he said, making her squeak as he crushed his mouth to hers before she could sass him anymore. It was supposed to be over quick, but lasted a bit longer than he’d meant it. 

“There. There’s your kiss,” he muttered, once he pulled back. 

“Mm.” She giggled and slipped her arms around his neck. “That was good, Mistah J, but I ain’t quite done yet.”

"Harley." Joker hissed, as she walked them forward until his back hit the wall. He grunted as she kissed him again, harder this time. So deep and salaciously it stole his breath away.  

“Harley,” he mumbled into her mouth.  

It sounded like a protest, but at the same time his hand slid down to her ass and squeezed it.  

She grinned against his lips and tangled her hand in his hair, yanking his head back. Joker half-sighed in annoyance and arousal. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” He asked, knowing she was up to something.  

She was being way to aggressive for her. 

She ignored him and went for his neck, then his jaw, before her hand trailed lower to the waistband of his joggers. She pulled another grunt from him when she cupped him through them. Joker frowned as she sank to her knees on the carpet in front of him and looked up, eyes glittering as her tongue dragged a slow stripe up his abs, lips brushing kisses over them while she tugged his pants down far enough she could pull him out.

He shook his head as her fingers curled around him and she started stroking him to attention while kissing the V of his hips. 

"Goddamn it, Harley,” he sighed, as she kept glancing up at him, teasing little looks that sparkled with mischief, knowing she had him caught in the crossfire of her tears and sexual favors again so he couldn’t do anything about it.

Wet sucking sounds filled the closet a minute later, and he purred softly despite himself, gripping the shelf next to his head as she shoved his hips against the wall again, running her free hand up to explore his abs, dragging her nails down his skin.  

Her lips were tight and wet, dragging a groan out of him. His hand dropped into her hair and his fingers wound in it. 

He could already feel this was going to be over quick, she was making sure of that.

At some point he stopped trying to figure out what her angle was and just leaned against the wall, letting his eyes close.

It didn’t take long for Harley to be gleaming with smugness as she licked him clean as he slouched back against the wall.

She smiled and tucked him back into his pants, then she stood up, but there was a bitch glare on her face.

 “Mm. Not bad for being impulsive huh?” She asked.  

Joker looked at her fuzzily and snorted. 

“Did you seriously just do that to just to prove a point?” He straightened up as best he could. 

“Gee, I don’t know, Puddin’. You tell me, cause it sure fucking looks like I did. Asshole.” She shoved him gently into the wall again. 

“I’m gonna go make you some dinner now. Hopefully I can get through it without getting distracted because I’m such a ditz and burn the fucking house down.”  She smiled at him fakely and walked out.  

Joker clenched his jaw, staring at the carpet, anger bubbling. 

“Harley! Come back here!” He barked. 

“Fuck off, Joker.” 

Harley went downstairs after that to the kitchen where she grabbed out some boxes of hamburger patties from the freezer, glowering the whole time.  

God she was so annoyed with him, but she also couldn’t help giggling at the disheveled look on his face when she left.  

She took the burger patties to the back patio where the grill was since that’s the only way he would eat them –  grilled over a fucking fire like a damn caveman, and started the grill and put them on the grates. She seasoned hers and then closed the lid and pulled her phone from her pocket, peeling off the last bit of protective plastic from the screen.  

A little grin tugged at her lips as she sat in the patio chair and typed in a number from memory and hit send. 

Harley: IVES!!!  How ya been, bytch?! Wanna come with me tomorrow to pick out a dog??  

It didn’t even take thirty seconds to get a reply.

Ivy: Harley?!!! Where the fuck have you been?! I’ve been looking for you everywhere! Jesus! I thought Joker killed you and I was gonna have to kill him. Then I heard you were in that prison in Louisiana that got burned up.” 

Harley smiled.  

Harley: Yep, I was. J busted me out though, and then we were hiding out at a cabin in the woods for a while just me and him.  

Ivy: …that’s weird. 

Harley: lol. Yeah, it was at first, but he’s been really sweet to me. 

Ivy: Joker has? 

Harley: Yep. I know. It’s a shock.  

Ivy: He must be up to something. 

Harley: Not this time. I’ll tell you about it tomorrow – you're in, right? 

Ivy: Yeah, of course. I missed you, Harls. 

Harley got a soft smile on her face. 

Harley: Aww, I missed you to, Ives...We could get lunch afterwards!...uh, except J doesn’t want me goin’ too many places right now. Thinks people are trying to kill me or kidnap me. Hey, I know, why don’t you come here instead? We’ll eat at my place after the dog thing and hang out.  

Ivy: Your place? Is Joker going to be there? 

Harley: Maybe. Why? Don’t worry about him. 

Ivy: Yeah, I’m not worried for me. I’m worried for you. He told me to my face that he hates me. Not that I care, but I doubt he’ll like it if I come over. 

Harley: So what? He’s busy anyway. I doubt we will even see him.  

Ivy: Are you sure? 

Harley: Yeah. It’ll be fine. I don’t care what he says. 

Ivy: Oh boy... if you say so. I'll get a room ready for you here just in case. 

Harley: Haha. Funny. See you tomorrow around noon? I’ll text ya the address to the pet store. 

Ivy: Can’t wait. Love you.  

Harley pouted.  

Harley: Aww, I love you to, Ives! You’re the bestest friend ever! 

Ivy: You too! 

She sat her phone down on the table and smiled. 

This was why she fucking loved Ivy so much. She was always there for her and listened to her and they had so much fun together. Tomorrow was going to be great.  

…of course, this also meant she was going to have to go toe to toe with Joker about Ivy coming over because he did hate her guts and that was not going to be fun. But she didn’t care. He already pissed her off, so fuck him. 

Thirty Minutes Later 

Joker was sitting in his office again, still trying to focus on work but he wasn’t any closer.   

There was so much shit he needed to take care of, but all he could think about was Harley and how she was driving him insane - which reminded him, he better find her some fucking bodyguards before he woke up in the middle of the night and instead of sucking his dick she’d be holding a knife to it. 

He sighed and picked up his phone and texted Jonny.   

Joker: I need muscle. Top notch. Who do we got?  

Jonny: You got plenty. What for?  

Joker: Harley.  

There was a pause before the next message.  

Jonny: On top of the regulars? You want more watchers or babysitters?  

Joker: Both.  

Jonny: How many?  

Joker: Two babysitters. No screwups. No wandering off. They don’t talk to her unless they have to. Four watchers that actually watch.  

Another pause.  

Jonny: Okay, I got Brick and Eddie for the babysitting. Then I’ll get Bernie’s crew to scout for you.  

Joker read the message while chewing his lip.   

He typed out a reply, but he was debating whether to send it or not because it made him sound worried, even though he was. 

Joker: Okay, but I don’t know them...do you trust them to be able to keep track of her? Because if not I will hire whoever we have to.   

Jonny: Yes, they can do it. 

Joker: Good. Make sure they’re all here tomorrow morning then. She’s having a fit about not being able to leave the house.  

Jonny: I’ll let ‘em know.  

He sat his phone down again and stared at his desk.  

He was glad Jonny was so confident because he didn’t want to have to hire outside help. He would if he had to, but he didn’t like putting his trust in more people that hadn’t proven themselves to him, especially when it came to Harley.   

He slouched on the desk with his head in his hand as his attention drifted toward the security feeds.

Speaking of Harley, there she was on the back porch in the patio chair. She was smiling at something on her phone that made him glare and wonder just who in the fuck she was talking to, probably that poisoned bitch Ivy.  

God he hated her.

She had come around to their penthouse in the Narrows demanding he tell her where Harley was when she was missing, as if he owed her any answers even if he would have had them at the time, which he hadn’t.  

Maybe if she wasn't always telling Harley he was abusive and no good for her, and that she needed to leave him - which okay, maybe some of that was true, he could admit, and he'd actually told Harley himself before that she should just leave, but it still wasn't any of Ivy's goddamn business, and you know, he didn’t think much of her either. 

To him she was just some feminist cunt who couldn’t get a man on her own so she had to mind control them with her plant pheromones', or whatever the fuck they were just to be able to get one. He couldn't wait for the day he could drop a metric fuck-ton of herbicide on her, but until then, she was still Harley’s best friend, so that meant he couldn’t kill her – yet. 

It just ate at him that Harley would probably be telling her all about everything that was going on between them, and then Ivy would be spinning it against him, putting doubts in Harley’s head when she should just keep her fucking nose out of it. 

He grabbed his smiley face stress ball and started squeezing the fuck out of it.

While back down in the kitchen, Harley was separating the burgers she’d cooked - her seasoned ones versus Joker’s plain ones.

She sprinkled salt on his, then she put two slices of cheese on each one and took out some boiled eggs, slicing those in half and then she put more salt on those. That was his dinner – yuck.   

Meanwhile, she threw cheese on her burger along with ketchup, pickles, mayo, lettuce, and of course, she put it on a dreaded bun, although she did have some green beans with bacon in them. She’d make up for that later with ice cream.   

She pulled her phone out and texted him that dinner was ready, then took the food to the table, getting some lemonade for herself and then some water with a scoop of electrolytes in it for him.  

She sat down and started eating without him because when he replied, ‘in a minute’ his time, that could easily mean ten to fifteen in hers.   

Tonight, it meant five, surprisingly.  

He walked into the kitchen and joined her. She grabbed the sea salt as soon as he did and slid it to him.  

“Here. I’m sure you want that even though I salted it for ya.”   

“Thanks.” Joker mumbled, sprinkling a little more on his eggs before shoving half of one in his mouth.   

“You get anything done?” She aasked, then ate a forkful of green beans. 

“Yeah,” Joker replied, even though he got virtually nothing done.  

She nodded and they ate quietly for a few minutes, mainly because she was summoning up the courage to tell him about Ivy, and she knew he was gonna be livid. 

“J, I need to tell you something,” she said, eventually, glancing over at him.  

Joker paused mid bite of his burger and looked over at her, not liking the sound of this already. 

“What? Dare I ask.”  

“Well...I already know how you’re going to react, but I invited Ivy over here tomorrow for lunch.” 

 “You what?” His glare was total ice.

She sighed. 

“Yeah, because we’re goin’ to pick out the dog tomorrow and—”  

“We?” he cut in, darkly. 

Harley nodded. 

“Yeah, me and her. I told her we could come here after since you don’t want me going anywhere. We could just have lunch here and hang out.”  

“In my house.” Joker’s eyes narrowed to slits. 

“You mean our house?" Harley narrowed her eyes back. "I've been living here three fucking years, Joker. And you’re gonna be busy anyway. You won’t even see her probably."

Joker shook his head and just stared at her for a long moment, determining whether or not she was serious. She definitely looked serious, and that meant it was time to remind her of a few things. But first, he took a drink of water to try to cool the rage now pumping though his veins. 

“It ain’t that big of a deal, Puddin’,” Harley said, because she could see how mad he was getting. 

Joker gave a humorless grin. 

“Harley, are you out of your fucking mind?” He asked. “Just because I told you I love you, don’t mean you’re gonna be running this house, or me.” 

“What are you talking about?” Harley frowned. “I ain’t trying to run nothin’. You don’t want me going anywhere, how the hell else do you expect me to spend time with my friend?”   

“You want the same friend who constantly tries to break us up to come over here?” Joker asked, glaring. “So she can talk shit about me in my own house? You’re okay with someone coming here that disrespects me like that?”   

“No, but it ain’t like that, J. We break up all on our own. You just don’t like her because she’s not afraid to tell you you’re an ass to your face.”  

“No, I don’t like her because she’s a loudmouth always trying to poison you against me. Her fucking name is Poison Ivy.”   

“Well, she’s just coming over for lunch,” Harley said. 

“Harley...”  

Joker’s jaw flexed as he tried to remain calm. 

“Let me make this very clear to you one more time. Nobody comes here - except us, Jonny, and the necessary goons. That’s how it stays hidden. She ain’t coming here, and neither is anyone else. You’re lucky the fucking dog is coming here,” he said, staring at her across the table.

“Well, I already invited her,” Harley said.

“Well, then, I guess you better fucking un-invite her,” he snapped. “Because it ain’t gonna happen. Do you understand that? I know you’re having fun testing all these new boundaries with me, but this ain’t the fucking one to test, doll.”   

 He tore into another bite of hamburger like a lion that just tore into an antelope in the wild, never taking his eyes off her. Harley just stared back with a glare of her own because now she was pissed to.

“Well, you wanna know why she says those things about you, Joker?” She asked, unable to help herself, even though she knew it was a bad idea. 

“Harley, just stop,” Joker warned her. 

“No. It’s because she’s a good friend, that’s why. And she’s seen how you’ve treated me over the years. Screaming at me, hitting me, manipulating me, ignoring me, treating me like I was nothin’ to you. If our roles were reversed, I’d be telling her the same fucking thing. She loves me and doesn’t want to see me get hurt, which is more than I can say for you sometimes.”  

As soon as the words were out of Harley’s mouth, she knew they were a mistake, because Joker’s whole face changed.

The next thing she knew, her dinner was gone from in front of her, and he was crossing the empty space where the kitchen table had just been seconds ago, now laying flipped on its side with their food all over the floor as he kneeled on one knee right in front of her where she was still sitting with her heart racing from adrenaline. 

“What the fuck did you just say to me?” He asked. 

Harley blinked and surveyed the damage around them before she shook her head and gritted her teeth.  

“Are you fucking kidding me?” She asked. "Why, J?" 

“That’s a good fucking question, isn’t it?” Joker asked back as they locked eyes.  

Harley was trying to remain unfazed, but her earlier confidence was slowly evaporating at the look he was giving her. She knew it wasn’t coming from her Joker anymore, but the other one. The chill in his gaze, the stillness in his body and the calm in his voice. It all happened right before someone wound up on the floor begging for mercy he wouldn’t give. She knew because she’d seen it happen, and she’d been that person herself a few times. 

“That didn’t come out the way I meant it,” she said. 

Joker smiled.  

“I told you, you better watch your fucking mouth, Harley. Real close. Because you’re forgetting who you’re fucking talking to. You think you’re going to sit across from me and say shit like that? That Ivy loves you more? Cute.” He chuckled, bitter and cold. “Say it again. I dare you.” 

“I just said I didn’t mean it like that.” Harley replied. “You know I didn’t.” 

He zeroed in on her. 

“No, you just want to take what I told you and try to use it against me already, baby. Is that it?” He asked. 

“No, Joker," Harley sighed.

“Well, I hope not, because  it’s the worst fucking mistake you’ll ever make.”   

She frowned and cupped his cheeks. 

“No, honey, that’s not what I’m doing at all. I’m just trying to explain to you there’s a reason why Ivy thinks those things. And this is one of them.”

She stroked his hair as he blinked and stared through her for a minute, then started shaking his head and cringing like he was trying to get something out of it. He started pounding his palm against it until she grabbed his hand and gently lowered it to his side.  

“J…” She started, but he ripped her hands off his face and shoved them down to her lap like they burned him. 

Tears burned her eyes - not because she was in fear for herself, although she probably should be, but because she was worried she’d just fucked up all the progress they’d made and he was going to shut down on her again. 

“J, I wasn’t tryin’ to use nothin’ against you. I swear—” 

“Just shut the fuck up!” Joker snapped. “You got no fucking idea what I do to make sure you stay alive in this city, Harley. No fucking idea, but I tell you what, here’s an experiment for you sometime. Go downtown and tell people we broke up. See how fucking long you make it. You’ll find out real quick all the people who want us dead.”  

He chuckled dryly, then calmer, “You just keep thinking this shit is a game, but it ain’t. How after what just happened to you at Belle Reve do you not understand that?” 

“I don’t think it’s a game.”  

“Oh yes you do. Otherwise you wouldn’t be arguing with me about stupid shit like phones and lunches. But I guess that’s my fault to, huh? I’ve been protecting you from it, right? You haven’t had to worry about someone gunning you down or slitting your throat in a department store just because you’re with me because I’ve been making sure it don’t happen. Lettin’ you live on the fairytale side of this. Putting protective details on you and shadows so you can do whatever you want.” He slowly shook his head. “But as usual, I’m the bad guy.”  

He arched an eyebrow at the confused look on her face. 

“What? Did you really think all the shit you do has no consequences? I told you earlier, I’m the one who smooths it over. But you wanna sit here and try to tell me what’s a big deal and what ain’t? Ivy might be your friend, but all that means to me is that she’s loyal to you, not to me. She comes here, and one day she decides she doesn’t like how I talked to you or something else then she tells people about this place and we’re fucked and we gotta move again. Do you know how much work and money it took to turn this place into a fortress for us?”  

“She ain’t gonna tell nobody nothin’ because she is loyal to me, Joker. She wouldn’t do nothin’ to hurt me.” 

“But I would?” 

Harley chuckled through tears. 

“You have. Look at what you just did. And you fucking scare me when you get like this!” 

 Joker stood up and looked down at her.  

“I gave you my heart in that cabin, Harley. Something I never thought I’d do. Now you wanna play with it?” 

“You mean the way you play with mine all the time?! No, I don’t. Because I know how bad it fucking feels, and to have to deal with this shit!” She got up to, wiping her eyes. “I swear I hate you sometimes, Joker. I really do.”  

“Good. I’m going back to my office.” He said, walking out. "And this is exactly why I don't come to fucking dinner."  

“Good, go back to your lonely fucking office, you fucking dickhead! And make sure you come back and clean this shit up later because I’m not fucking doing it!”  

Harley heard the door to his office slam like a gunshot. She shook her head and walked to the cabinet and got another glass out to get herself more lemonade.  

 She walked out of the kitchen towards the living room angrily and sat on the couch in disbelief.

Upstairs, Joker paced the length of his office, breaths coming quick and ragged as he tried to calm himself but it wasn’t working. 

It had taken a hold of him now, and his shoulders twitched while his fingers clenched and uncurled. 

Back and forth. Back and forth. 

Her voice wouldn’t leave his head. 

More than I can say for you sometimes… 

It echoed until it filled his skull like static, until finally his vision tunneled, and before he could stop himself, he spun and starting launching his fists into the wall. 

The drywall cracked and exploded into dust with every punch. Each blow harder than the last as plaster broke into chunks and fell to the floor. The wall caved beneath his fury until there was blood streaked across the surface in smears and splatters as his knuckles split wide, but he didn’t stop, not until his arms screamed and every muscle quivered with exhaustion - until the rage emptied out of him like water through a drain. 

He staggered back from the wall afterwards, wobbling, bleary eyed, chest heaving, and then slid down to the floor. 

His hands dangled there at his sides, torn and mangled – possibly broken - blood dripping onto the carpet. Dust clung to his skin and to his hair while sweat slicked his face. He tipped his head back against the ruined wall, eyes wild, mouth stretched in a grin that had nothing to do with amusement, and started to laugh.  

At first it came in giggles, then it grew louder until it cracked and withered back to a sick little chuckle. His grin melted away entirely then, and he buried his face in his mangled hands as tears came to his eyes, but before they could fall he giggled some more and blinked them away, stretching out on the floor, staring at the ceiling.

Downstairs, Harley curled up on the couch with a blanket and a pint of strawberry ice-cream and a bottle of chocolate syrup, still replaying the scene over and over in her head even though she had Netflix playing. 

She shouldn’t have said what she said, but she couldn't help it when he got so unreasonable. She knew she been pushing him too hard and too fast for the past two weeks. Now it had finally backfired on her, but that still didn't mean he had to act like that.

She hadn’t meant that Ivy loved her more than him. She was just trying to explain why Ivy said the things she did because they were all true. Ivy was the one she talked to about what happened between her and Joker, and she knew Joker didn’t like that, but Ivy was her best friend, and she needed someone who actually listened and didn’t flip fucking tables whenever she tried to talk about something important. Sadly she was starting to wonder if that was every going to be him.

She sighed as her phone buzzed suddenly on the coffee table, and she knew it had to be Ivy – great.  

Ivy: We still on for tomorrow? 

Harley squeezed her eyes shut to block more incoming tears, because it was like Ivy just knew, and why wouldn’t she? They’d been through this enough times. 

For a second she wanted to just say no and cancel, but she still wanted to see Ivy too badly, especially now, and all that would do is make Ivy worry and raise suspicion.  

Her thumbs hovered over the keyboard.

Harley: Yeah…but J didn’t take you coming here very well. 

Ivy: Are you alright? 

Harley: Yeah, I’m fine. Just tired. It’s been a long day. 

Ivy: Well, we can have lunch at my place if you want tomorrow.  

Harley stared at Ivy’s message, wondering if she should just do that, but then it would be like what she just went through was for nothing. 

Ivy: And don’t lie to me, Harls. What did he do to you? 

Harley sniffled softly.

Harley: Nothing. Just Joker being Joker. That’s all. We can still have lunch here. 

Ivy: You sure? 

Harley: Yeah. 

Ivy: …okay. Well, I can’t wait to see you tomorrow. I love you, Harls. You know if you need me I’ll be right there. 

Harley smiled softly. 

Harley: I know, but I promise I’m fine.  I love you to. See you tomorrow.

She set the phone down and drizzled more chocolate syrup into the tub of icecream, digging out a giant glob with her spoon.

Back upstairs, Joker sat slumped in the wreckage of his office still, only now with a half-empty bottle of scotch dangling from one hand to cope with how badly he’d just fucked up. 

Every time he shut his eyes he could just see Harley’s face—wide-eyed and terrified of him. The same eyes that had lit up at the cabin like he was her whole damn world, now staring at him like he was a monster again and couldn't understand why he wanted to hurt her. 

He hated it.  

Hated himself and how fast it all turned.  

One second, they were great, and then the next he was treating her like she was his enemy to, and all because she was doing what she always did, trying to fight him for something she wanted, and he flipped because he didn't want to hear the truth he already knew. 

He knew she hadn’t meant it that way it came out. He knew her—the way she lashed out, the way she threw words when she was desperate to be heard. She hadn’t said it to hurt him. She said it because she wanted him to understand.  

And what had he done? He proved her right. Threw his own tantrum and reminded her just how much damage he could do because he didn’t like being reminded their past was nothing but wreckage. Years of him trying to push her away, get rid of her, crush her spirit until she’d leave. When that failed, he settled for treating her like property - ignoring her, using her. And now? Now he was trying to figure out how to love her—and breaking her all over again in the process. 

He dragged a hand through his hair and bowed his head, scotch burning in his throat as hard as the unspoken words he couldn’t get out to tell her he didn’t know how to do this shit.  

He felt all raw all of the time since she’d went missing, and now it was worse because he didn’t want to go back to being that Joker either – at least with her. But he got overwhelmed, and sometimes it was like his rage just had a mind of its own and he turned into someone else.  

He guzzled some more and winced at the pains in his hands.  

He wished he could tell her he was sorry for everything, and that he could be what she wanted and needed him to be, but again, he didn’t even know if it was possible when all he knew how to do was hurt. He didn't want to hurt her anymore. She didn’t deserve it, and he damn sure knew he didn’t deserve her.  

He just had no idea what the fuck he was doing or how to make this work even though he thought he had everything under control. He was starting to feel like he was in control of nothing at all.  

A couple hours passed until Harley finally went up to bed, just ready for the night to be over with. 

She took a long hot shower and was about to go to sleep, sitting on her side of the bed putting lotion on her arms and legs when Joker came in. 

She tensed when he opened the door, since she wasn’t expecting to see him the rest of the night, but then she frowned when he walked over with uneven steps to the bed, obviously drunk.  

He didn’t look at her while he stripped down to his boxers and crawled into the blankets, then leaned back against the headboard like he was about to pass out.  

That’s when she saw his hands.

“Joker, what the fuck did you do to your hands?” Her eyes went wide, head snapping to him. 

“Nothin’.” Joker muttered.

Harley scrunched her forehead and picked up his left hand and examined it, shaking her head.  More tears pricked at her eyes because both of them were just awful – all busted up, swollen and split, with dried blood caked all over them and streaked up his arms.  

She pressed her lips and squeezed her eyes shut. Because she was already so fed up tonight, now this?

“Well, I hope you fucking feel better,” she said, sliding off the bed angrily, going to the bathroom.

She returned a few minutes later with a rag and the small first aid kit she kept under the sink, sighing as she settled on the mattress beside him, glaring at him again. She took one of his hands in hers gently, cringing further at the deep gashes which were worse than she thought.  

She chewed her lip, immediately feeling guilty even though she knew she shouldn’t. She couldn't help but think her overwhelming him into such a rage pushed him into doing this to himself.  

She dipped the rag into a cup of warm water and started wiping the dried blood from his knuckles, trying to be careful not to press too hard on the splits because it looked like he needed stitches on a few of them. 

Around that time, Joker opened his eyes again and watched her, wondering if the woman had any breaking point at all when it came to him. 

He’d just threatened her downstairs and yet here she was cleaning his wounds he’d given to himself because of his own anger.  

It was incredible.

She was like a goddamn unstoppable force that just gave and gave no matter how much he hurt her. He didn’t understand it a damn bit.  

“I’m sorry, Harley,” he said, blinking, shutting his eyes briefly because the room was slightly spinning. 

Harley froze instantly.  

“What?” She looked up. 

He brushed his thumb along her hand. “I said I’m sorry…”

He peeked an eye open at her and saw the surprise on her face.

“You don’t deserve any of this...none of it."He shook his head.

"But I don’t know how to love you, Harley. I never did. Not then. Not now. I don’t know if an apology helps, especially after this, but I’m sorry...I really am.” 

He leaned heavily against the headboard again, but slid his bloody fingers through hers as a wave of shame and regret came over him. He clenched his jaw and cleared his throat. “But I’m sure you probably figured that out already. I keep trying not to hurt you anymore, but obviously I’m failing.”

"Joker--"

“I don’t know what I’m doing. I admit it....I know I don’t want you to be scared of me, but like tonight, I just get so angry sometimes. It’s like this deep rotting bottomless pit is inside me full of the shit, and that’s how I do what I do, and that’s why I’m dangerous. You know that I am. I know that I am. I don’t know what to do about it except to tell you that you should leave, which is what I’ve been doing. Hopefully you will, but I kinda doubt it. So I don’t know. You’re gonna have to help me or something, doctor, cause otherwise, I just…" He took a deep breath. "Your my only fucking weakness, and I love you, but I don’t think I’m built for this shit that you want.” 

He rubbed a hand over his face. "There’s too much wrong with me.” 

“There ain’t too much wrong with you, baby," Harley replied, softly. "Besides the fact you think there is. "She wiped her eyes on her t-shirt sleeve again. “And you do realize you’ve never apologized to me for anything before? Not once?” 

He nodded  

“Yeah...so then I guess you know I mean it...I know I’m drunk. I’m sorry that’s the only way I can get this shit out.”  

She sighed and reached out and stroked his hair back, setting the cup of water aside and moving to sit in his lap. She tilted his chin up and kissed him, caressing his face. 

“Baby, I’ve been trying to help you since the day I met you. I've been trying to show you how to do this but you just keep ignoring everything I say. I know you have anger issues, but I also know that I’ve been pushing you hard these last couple of weeks to because you were actually listening to me for once and making an effort, and I didn’t want to go back to shit like this.” She held up his hand.  

“I know,” Joker replied.  

“You know?”  

He nodded. 

“Then why, Joker?”  

He shook his head and shrugged, tiredly.  

“Because I’m psychotic and crazy and I told you that you should’ve never loved someone like me, Harley. I tried to tell you so many times.”  

“Well..." She gave a soft snort. "Too bad, cause I do. And I ain’t havin that conversation with you again. It’s already done. We love each other and that’s just the way it is. You know what the whole problem is? You think loosening up your control with me means everything else is gonna fall apart and that it makes you weak, but it doesn’t.” 

“Because, it does, though.”  

“No, it doesn’t.” Harley frowned. “All it means is you let yourself be happy and be loved, which you desperately fucking need in case you didn’t know that.” 

He shook his head. 

“I can’t afford to lose my edge, Harley. As soon as I do, the wolves start circling us.” 

“The wolves?” She knitted her brows. “Joker, I don’t give two fucks about your edge or the wolves, okay? Let them come and we’ll kill them together. All I care about is us and you, but you’re just off on your lone warrior bullshit trying to prove something all the time because you’re an idea or whatever the fuck it is you said. No, you just need a hug, baby. Lots of them.” 

He chuckled and stared at the blankets before looking back up at her.  

“Harley, you say these things like they’re so simple. Like it’s just us and a few bullets between happily-ever-after. Well, it ain’t that clean. Never is.” 

“I didn’t say it was, but it don’t gotta be as hard as you make it either. I know things are dangerous and the wolves are there, but I ain’t gonna let them stop me from livin’ my life and lovin’ you. You say you have to be like this, but it’s a choice. Everything is a choice. If you’d just stop pushin’ me away maybe you’d realize we’re stronger together instead of you thinkin’ you gotta do everything alone.” 

“Yeah…stronger together. Real cute, baby. Real Hallmark card shit. Problem is, this ain’t a fairytale. It’s Gotham.” 

“Well, just because we’re in Gotham don’t mean Gotham is us. It’s just a place. You just proved that when you came and broke me out of prison, and how great things could be for us away from this place. Maybe we should just fucking move.”  

He chuckled some more. 

“Move? Move where, Harley? My entire operation is set up here. This is how I put food on the table. I have to be here.”  

“No you don’t. You want to be here because you’re addicted to the power games in this place. And you know, that’s the worst part about loving you, Joker. It ain’t all the fighting. It ain’t even you bossing me around and acting like a dick most of the time. Not even the possessive jealousy. It’s you lettin’ this city and your ego come between us. I don’t get what you’re trying to prove. Aren’t you the fucking Joker? Everyone in this city already fears you.  And you say this is your kingdom yet you’re letting everyone else decide how you gotta be…and you flip the fucking dinner I made you onto the floor like a toddler havin a tantrum because of what my friend thinks of you? The only thing you should care about is what I think, because I’m the one still sitting here sewing up your fucking hands you destroyed for no reason. Why can’t you just get over yourself because you must’ve realized by now I ain’t gonna hurt you, and that I would do anything for you. Ain’t that enough? Ain’t I enough? The wolves ain't the ones keeping you warm at night. I am. I dunno what else I have to do to prove to you that you’re safe with me and you don’t have to be doing all this other bullshit," she said frustrated.

Joker shook his head.

“Harley, you are enough, but this is what I do. And it ain’t about what they think or what she thinks. It’s about respect. The same reason I can’t lose my edge. People quit respectin’ me they think I’m weak and start trying shit. It ain’t that hard to understand. I start getting distracted by hugs and kisses I start makin’ mistakes like I already did and look where you wound up. I don’t wanna lose you again.” 

She sighed.  

“Did you just hear yourself? You don’t wanna lose me but you’re here listing all the reasons why you can’t love me like you want to. How I deserve. How you deserve. I don’t wanna lose you either, but if you think I’m gonna sit here and keep putting up with this shit, you’re wrong, Joker. I told you, I ain’t going back to how it was. There ain’t no reason in me showing you how to love me if you ain’t gonna do it cause you’re scared of what might happen. You know what that’s called when people do that? Anxiety. Fear. An excuse to push away something good for them because they think they don’t deserve it.” 

“Harley…” Joker chuckled. “Look at me. You seriously think I deserve something good? After all the shit you’ve seen me do?” 

“Yeah, I do. Cause whatever happened to you to make you do all those things and have all this anger and not want to be loved means you need it the most.”

Joker groaned.  

“You can’t fix me, Harley. You’re lookin’ at me like you always do -  like a broken teddy bear and like this is a goddamn kids special where the message is all you need is love.” 

“Because it’s true. But I ain’t trying to fix you, J. Once the pain happens like this it stays there. I’m just trying to make it easier for you – for both of us. I got pain to, you know? And you ease mine even though you add to it to doing shit like this. I don’t care what you’ve done. I did a lot of it with you, remember? We ain’t no saints, baby, that’s for sure. But we could still have this together, if you would just let us. I know that you want to. Just let go and give yourself to me and I’m not gonna let anything happen to you.”

Joker smirked at her at her naivety, but then he swallowed hard because she was right. Every cell in his body screamed to to give in and finally just… be hers. Let whatever was gonna happen happen. He wanted it so badly it made his chest ache.

“Why?” he asked. “Why the fuck do you keep stayin? After everything. Why don’t you just find someone you don’t have to convince to love you?” 

Her answer came without hesitation. 

“’Cause they wouldn’t be you,” she whispered.  

"God." He laughed brokenly, in away she'd never heard before.

 "You’re gonna destroy me," he said. "This-" he motioned between them, "is gonna destroy everything." 

She brushed his hair back again.  

“Mmm, maybe. Maybe it needs to be destroyed in order to build something new."

"Jesus christ," Joker muttered.

He just stared at her for a long time.

His eyes were wild and glistening. His fingers twitched.

"I know how this ends. I'm gonna wind up fucking losing myself in you."

"I hope so, cause then we'll match," she smiled.

He sighed and shook his head.

"Then I guess that's it." He cupped her cheek and kissed her.

She melted against him with a quiet sob, her hands tangling in his hair, pulling him as close as she could. For once, he didn’t fight it, just let himself drown in her.

Come whatever may.

Chapter Text

The next morning, Harley bolted awake out of a dead sleep and went straight into panic mode when Joker wasn’t beside her. 

She popped up so fast she saw stars, breathing hard, looking around the room, unable to decide what to do because she couldn't think straight.

Anxiety was clouding her brain—until she glanced at the clock and remembered this was the time he was always in the gym, getting all buff. 

She hurried down to the basement on the verge of tears and sagged with relief when Mozart floated up the stairwell. She took the stairs down two at a time to find him doing pushups in front of the mirrors. 

“Puddin'.” 

Joker stopped at the top of a rep, turning, holding himself up on one hand to look back at her. 

“What’s wrong?” He frowned at how upset she looked. 

“I had another nightmare.” She pouted and came closer, not hesitating a bit to climb onto and lay over his back. 

Joker grunted at the extra weight while she rested her cheek on his shoulder and curled her arms around his chest.

He hissed and squeezed out maybe ten more reps with her on top of him before he slowly collapsed, panting. 

“Harley, why do you keep having these nightmares?” He asked staring at their reflections in the mirror, chin on the mat catching his breath.

“Because it was a traumatic experience watching you almost die, Puddin’.” 

Joker turned over under her and wrapped her tight in his arms, sighing as he cuddled her, trying to be comforting, even if he still didn’t understand it. 

He rubbed her back slowly and let her lie on him while she calmed herself to the rise and fall of his chest. 

Harley was really surprised he hadn’t kicked her out, but then last night barreled back into her head and she buried her face in his sweaty neck. 

“You're gettin’ all wet and sweaty,” Joker said. 

“I don’t care,” she mumbled. “When ain’t I gettin’ that in some fashion when you’re around?... God, you smell good.” She inhaled. 

Joker smirked. “Well, enjoy it, ‘cause you got about five minutes before I’m going back to my workout.” 

She pouted and raised her head to look at him. His hair was all messy and in his face. She combed it back and straddled his waist, gliding her hands up his abdomen and chest over the tight muscles before leaning down to kiss him slowly. He rested his hands on her bare legs and rubbed them in response. 

“I ain’t goin’ nowhere, Harley. You can stop spazzing out any day now,” Joker said when she pulled away. 

“I know, but I can’t help it.” She popped her bottom lip, then looked down. “I’m sorry I’m messin’ up your workout.” 

He smiled, cause he knew that was a lie. She wasn’t sorry at all, but he sat up anyway and hugged her again. 

“Just relax, would ya?” He murmured. “Everything is fine.” 

She linked her arms around his neck. They were chest to chest as he rested his head against hers. She went limp against him, and she could’ve stayed like that all day, but then as always her mind started to wander. 

“God, you’re as hard as Batsy over here.” She felt along his back. “What are you working out?” 

“It’s chest day. Or at least it was.” 

“Mmm.” She grinned and pushed him back onto the mats. 

Joker smirked caught her wrists though before she could derail him any further.  

“Harley, no.”  

“What?” She whined. 

“I ain’t had a proper workout since you got back.” 

“Well, that’s a damn lie,” she glared, offense, “I’ve been giving you plenty of cardio.” 

He chuckled. “Yeah, cardio. I need weight training if you wanna keep ogling me like this.” 

She turned her lips down sadly.

“Baby, I can’t help it you’re so sexy I can’t keep my hands off you."

He chuckled.

“Yeah, well, you want me to stay that way, don’t ya? Besides, your time’s up."

He smiles when she looked heartbroken. 

“Fine.” She groaned, not wanting to ruin it when he was being sweet to her. 

She gave him one more kiss before getting off him. “I love you.” 

“I love you too.” Joker let go. “Now get the fuck out.” 

She giggled as she went back up the stairs. 

Joker just shook his head and lay there a few minutes, trying to get his mind back on track and away from the fact she hadn’t been wearing any underwear. 

Later That Afternoon 

Harley rolled up to Murray’s Exotic Animals and ran straight to Ivy as soon as Eddie let her out of the SUV. 

“IVES!” She flew into her arms, knocking her back, almost toppling them both. 

“Jesus, Harls!” Ivy smiled and steadied them. 

Harley’s yellow fuzzy rubber-ducky slippers squeaked on the pavement, matching the rest of her outfit: cut-up jean shorts, a yellow t-shirt also with a rubber duck that read kiss my quack, orange suspenders, and her hair in low pigtails. 

“I missed you!” 

“I missed you too… who the fuck are these guys?” Ivy peered over her shoulder at the four goliath-looking goons posted by the Escalade and both ends of the sidewalk. 

“Huh?” Harley turned. “Oh, that’s Brick, that’s Eddie, that’s Charlie, and that’s Bernie. They’re my bodyguards.” 

“You need bodyguards to go pet shopping?” Ivy raised an eyebrow. 

“Yeah." She sighed. "I told ya J is all worried someone is gonna kill me or kidnap me again, so I gotta ride around with all this muscle,” she rolled her eyes. “Not that you guys ain’t great company!” She beamed at them. 

Eddie’s mouth twitched into something like a grin. 

“Right,” Ivy replied, flat and skeptical. “That’s why.” 

“It is, trust me, because we already had a big fight about it last night.” Harley looped her arm through Ivy’s. “But enough about that. Come on! Let’s look at the cute little babies inside first, and you can tell me what you been up to. Did you get to kill that councilman dumpin’ chemicals into the river?!” 

Ivy smirked as they entered the place. 

“Yes, yes I did, actually. Councilman Harlan choked on his veal parm while drinking a glass of imported wine last week. Turned out it was laced with a very particular strain of nightshade.” 

“Well, that’s what that bastard gets for fuckin’ with my girl and her plants!” Harley chirped—then abruptly pressed her face up against a terrarium containing a fat, sleepy looking bearded dragon. 

“Ooooh, look at this grumpy little guy! He looks just like Joker before his first Red Bull in the morning!” 

“Okay, but I thought you said you were getting a dog?” Ivy frowned. “This is a place for exotic pets… and that weirdo down there is staring at us all pervy-like.” She narrowed her gaze at the man leering at them from the front desk. 

“I know, but Joker said he didn’t want some ‘rat in a skirt,’ so I’m tryin’ to get somethin’ cool that’s vicious enough for him but I can still cuddle with so we both like it. Otherwise I’m gonna end up with a fuckin’ shark in my living room.” 

“A shark?” Ivy chuckled as they passed a cage full of hedgehogs. “That’s cliché for him.” 

“That’s what I said. But he said it’s ‘classic.," she dropped her voice to mock him. 

“Yeah. Classic cliché.” 

“I know! But you can’t tell him nothin’.” 

She squatted, gushing at the hedgehogs pudgy little faces. “Aww, Ives, they’re so cute.” 

“And too prickly to cuddle,” Ivy reminded her—though inside she was squeeing to. 

That’s when the creep who’d been watching them slid over. 

“Oh boy, here we go,” Ivy muttered. 

“Can I help you gals with anything?” 

“Gals?” Ivy’s face twisted. 

His voice was as oily as his balding head. His eyes lingered a touch too long on Harley’s ass as she bent over making kissy faces at a lemur. She wrinkled her nose at his smell which was something considering they were in a room full of animals. He wore a stained yellow-and-blue zip hoodie with the shop’s logo, and a name tag that read Murray. 

“We’re just browsing,” Ivy said, her tone making it clear they just wanted to look and not be bothered.

But Murray either didn’t notice or didn’t care. He sidled closer to Harley. 

“Oh, Jesus.” Ivy palmed her face. 

“See something you like, Blondie? That one’s a real charmer. Likes to be held.” He tapped the owl monkey’s glass. 

“Really?” Harley cooed. “He does look snuggly.” 

“Oh, he is,” Murray said, smile widening. “But why don’t you come around back? I’ve got some real exotic specimens in the private stockroom. Not for everyone, if you catch my drift. But a girl with your… style… might appreciate them.” He flicked his eyes at her suspenders. 

Ivy’s hand shot out, clamping down on Harley’s wrist before she could eagerly agree. “Yeah, she’s not interested in your back room.” 

“Oh! But Ives! What if the perfect little doggy is back there?” Harley whined. 

“It’s not… Jesus, Harley. This guy is hitting on you and thinks you’re going to have sex with him.” 

“What?!” Harley’s glare snapped on. “Ew, no, you fucking pervert!” 

Murray’s smile faltered as Brick loomed up behind the girls, and then Eddie appeared behind Murray laying a hand on his shoulder. 

“Hey! Hey! No offense meant. Just trying to offer a unique customer experience," Murray said.

“Unique customer experience?” Ivy snorted. 

“This guy bothering you, Harley?” Brick asked. 

“Hey, buddy, why don’t you go back to the counter,” Eddie said, squeezing Murray’s shoulder until he winced. “We wouldn’t want the animals to go hungry ‘cause you slipped and fell and hurt ya head. Know what I mean?” 

“Uh, yeah—sure. No problem.” Murray held up his hands. “I’ll just get back to the register. Let you ladies look around.” 

“Yeah, why don’t you? Disgusting asshole,” Ivy muttered, then looked at Harley. “Seriously, Harls, why do you drag me into these cesspools of humanity?” 

“’Cause it’s everywhere now, and 'cause you’re my best friend.” Harley bounced on her ducky slippers, hugging Ivy till their cheeks were pressed together. “And also ‘cause you got the best judgment outta the both of us. I’d probably already be in the back room right now having to kick that guy’s ass after he tried to grope me or somethin'.” 

“Exactly,” Ivy said, dryly. “And then I’d have to feed him to his own lizards.” 

Harley giggled. “See, that’s why I need you, Ives. Oh, I love you so much!” 

Ivy rolled her eyes, but her lips quirked. “Yeah, yeah. Just remember—half the people who own joints like this are either sleazy or smuggling. Sometimes both.” She looked up, but Harley was already darting toward another row. “And she’s already gone.” 

“Oooh, look at this one!” Harley peered in at a serval laying down inside an enclosure, its long legs and spotted coat gleaming under fluorescent lights. “Puddin’ would love this kitty. He’s tall, mean lookin’, and probably rips faces off for fun!” 

“Harley, that cat would destroy your furniture in five minutes. And rip your face off for fun.” 

“Oh! You think so?! Then Joker would love him for sure!” 

The serval hissed, swiping a paw at the glass. They both jumped back. 

“See?! He wants to play!” 

“Or he wants to gut you,” Ivy muttered. 

They spent ten minutes looking at monkeys and poisonous reptiles—everything but dogs—until Ivy got restless. 

“Harley! Dogs! Remember?” 

“Alright, alright, jeez.” She pouted. “You’re as bad as Joker, rushing me.” 

“I’m not rushing you, I’m trying to keep you in the same species.” 

They started toward the snakes when a strange sound echoed from the far end of the shop—a deep, rolling cackle that almost sounded like… laughter? 

“What the hell was that?” Harley stopped cold. 

“What?” Ivy looked around. 

The noise came again, louder this time, two voices overlapping in wild, manic chuckles. Harley’s eyes went wide; she gasped so dramatically even Brick glanced over. 

“Oh my god! Did you hear that?!” 

“Harls—wait!” Ivy hissed, but Harley was already skipping toward the back. 

She skidded to a stop in front of a massively reinforced cage—ironically in the back room—where two shaggy hyenas sat, golden eyes gleaming and wild. One gnawed on a bone that might have been a human femur; the other leaned against the bars, chuffing and letting out another eerie giggle. 

Harley slapped her hands against the bars, starry-eyed. “OH MY GOD! LOOK AT THEM! Ohhh, they’re perfect! Big ol’ murder puppies with smiles! Puddin’s gonna freak!” 

“Yeah, Harley, because they’re fucking hyenas!” Ivy stared after she caught up. “You bring those home and Joker is going to lose his shit!” 

The hyenas perked as Harley reached into the cage without a care they could’ve shredded her arm. Both padded closer, pressing their noses against the bars with toothy grins. 

“Oh, my little babies!” She cooed, already kissing at them. 

“Jesus.” Ivy pinched the bridge of her nose. “This is a terrible idea,” she warned, even while knowing it was a lost cause. The way Harley was looking at those things was damn near the same way she looked at Joker. 

Harley crouched so she was nose to nose with them. They giggled and licked her cheek. 

“AWW, SEE?! They love me already! Look at their widdle faces. Who’s mommy’s little psychos? You are! Yes you are!” 

One let out a yipping laugh while the other pawed, trying to get out to her. She burst into giggles herself. 

“They’re laughing with me!” 

“No. They’re laughing at how tasty you look,” Ivy replied. 

“Oh, you two are coming home with me for sure, aren’t ya?” She gave them more kisses. 

She stood with a dreamy look and called Eddie over.  

“Oh, Eddie! We need to get a cage for these.” 

Eddie walked over and took one look inside the cage and went pale. “Hyenas? …eh, Harley… you sure the boss is gonna be okay with that?” 

Harley smiled. “Well, I have no idea, Eddie, but I guess we’ll just have to make him okay with it, won’t we?” She turned him around and shoved him toward the front. “Now get the cage.” 

“Uh… sure thing.” He glanced at Brick warily, who puffed his cheeks, and they moved. 

Ivy groaned, dragging a palm down her face. 

“Oh, I’m so happy.” Harley clapped. “Don’t you love ‘em? I’m gonna name this one Bud, and this one Lou.” 

“Harley…” 

Before Ivy could try to talk her out of it though, a commotion broke out up front. 

They rounded a couple rows to find Brick and Eddie arguing with Murray at the counter. Murray flapped his arms, trying to refuse sale of the hyenas. 

“You can’t just buy those! They’re not for sale! They’re wild—dangerous! A liability! I only use them for clean-up!” 

Eddie grabbed Murray by the hoodie and slapped a thick wad of cash against his bald dome. “Look, pal. The smart thing to do here is take the money and hope The Joker don’t find out you was hittin’ on his girl earlier, alright?” 

Murray wilted. “That’s Joker’s girl?” 

“Yeah, and I bet he wouldn’t appreciate you sleazing all over her.” Brick yanked him over the counter. “But then again, maybe the hyenas need lunch before we go, huh? What do you think, Harley?” 

Harley blinked and then gave a slow, evil smirk. She glanced at Ivy, who smirked and shrugged back. 

“You know what, boys? That sounds like a great idea. We wouldn’t want the babies to get hungry on the ride home, would we?” 

Murray went hysterical. 

“What!? No! Please, no! You can’t do this!” He cried, as Brick and Eddie dragged him to Bud and Lou’s cage. 

Harley giggled and plucked the keys from Murray’s pocket, testing them until the lock clicked and Bud and Lou stepped out. 

“No! I’m sorry! I’ll do anything! Please!” Murray sobbed. 

But Eddie just kicked the back of his legs and he dropped to his knees, crying as hung his head in resignation when Bud and Lou closed in, snarling, like they had a score to settle of their own. 

“NO… NOOO!” 

Screams filled the place, followed by cringing, laughter, and giggles. 

By the time it was over, Harley and Ivy were in the back seat of the SUV chatting on the way to Harley and Joker’s while Bud and Lou were plump full in their crate, still gnawing on old Murphy’s bones for dessert. 

Across Town 

Joker prickled with exhilaration—finally feeling normal, back in his element. 

He tapped the crowbar against his palm. It was already covered in blood. So was he. 

The sound of bones breaking felt like a cool summer breeze as he slammed the crowbar against the former Argus tech’s shoulder, resulting in a awful crack. The man wailed in response, his busted lips shining with sweat and tears and agony that quenched a thirst inside Joker nothing else could. 

“Now, now, don’t get shy on me,” Joker purred, lazily twirling the crowbar, head tilted, watching the guy writhe like an ant under a magnifying glass. 

A pool of blood smeared beneath his polished shoes as he stepped closer and crouched. 

“You used to be such a chatterbox behind that desk at Argus didn’t you? Keystrokes, keystrokes—delete this, cover that, shuffle a little classified data under the rug, hmm?” 

The tech tried to speak, but it came out a wet mumble through broken teeth. Joker leaned in, eyes wide, then smacked his cheek twice, almost gently, until the man looked at him. 

“There we go. Look alive. Just give me one little answer—” He bared his teeth. “—and I’ll stop redecorating your skeleton with my favorite toy.” 

He let the crowbar fall and rest on the man’s shoulder like a heavy hand. 

“I told you… I don’t know… anything about the file,” the tech rasped. 

Joker froze, then his smiled wide. “File?” His eyes sparked with dangerous amusement. “Who said anything about a file, hm? I just asked about Argus.

The color drained from the tech’s face as he realized his mistake too late. Joker’s laugh erupted—loud, jagged, echoing off the walls. 

“Ohhh… I just love when you rats tell on yourselves.” 

He stood suddenly, pacing in a tight circle, crowbar swinging, ignoring the ache in his own hands. Without warning, he smashed it across the tech’s shin. The scream was immediate and guttural. 

“Where is it?!” Joker barked, patience gone in a blink. “Where’s my dead file?!” 

“I don’t know!” the tech panted, sobbing. “All I know is it’s going to auction… I swear, I don’t know when or where, I only heard… whispers—” 

Joker crouched back down, clutching his chin, forcing eye contact. “Whispers,” he repeated. “Well, whispers get you killed, friend. But today… today, whispers get you mercifully unconscious. So, start talking.” 

“It—it wasn’t Waller herself,” he wheezed. “She… she screwed him. A field analyst. Name’s Daniel Croft. Worked black sites for years until he found out too much. He pushed back once, and she burned him for it. Labeled him unstable, cut his clearance, left him rotting in a warehouse detail. He swore he’d bury her for it.” 

“Ahhh, and how do our little Croft and this file bury a government bitch like Waller, hmm?” 

“Because—Croft—he stole the file. The Dead File. Got someone to put it on the black market… said it’d ruin Waller, but… but I don’t know what’s in it. Only Croft does.” 

Joker’s laughter cracked the air again—shrill, delighted—then cut off on a dime. He grabbed the tech by the jaw and squeezed until the man whimpered. 

“So let me get this straight,” he hissed, inches from his face. “Some nobody pencil-pusher Waller stomped on has my name in his pocket, and he thinks he’s clever enough to sell it and get away with it?” 

The man tried to shake his head but Joker slammed it back against concrete. 

“Please! That’s all I know. I swear… only Croft knows the rest…” 

“And where can I find this Croft fellow?” 

“I don’t know. I worked with him once in D.C. Said he was from Gotham, but I don’t know where. Please, that’s all I know. I swear.” 

Joker stared a long, silent beat, gauging whether he was telling the truth. Finally he patted the tech’s cheek again.  

“Well, thanks… you’ve been a very big help. Now you get a reward. Nap time!” He raised the crowbar and brought it down twice one crack to the ribs, one sharp smack to the temple, rendering the tech unconscious in the chair. 

Jonny stepped out of the shadows then, already on his phone. “Well, now we got a name at least. Daniel Croft.” 

“Yeah.” Joker grinned like he’d just been given a present.

Sweat and blood streaked his pale face. He combed his hair back with his fingers. “Ohhh, Jonny boy,” he sang, high on adrenaline while tapping the crowbar against the tech’s head. “Another rat with my past in his pocket? I want him. I want him yesterday.” He jabbed the crowbar toward Jonny’s chest. “Find him. Track him. Peel the fucking floorboards up if you have to. The auction is in two days, and I want that fucking Dead File.” 

Back at Joker and Harley’s 

Ivy leaned toward the window as the Escalade rolled through the set of tall black gates in Old Gotham. 

Beyond that sat a glowing two-story red brick house like something you'd see in a magazine spread. Every detail popped against the tree canopy and all the greenery around it, framed by manicured boxed hedges lining the tall fence and the brick driveway. Behind the hedges sat a stone path, and beyond that, flowerbeds, then more hedges and shrub trees. Neat, symmetrical—stately even. It was a home you’d attribute to someone in Gotham’s upper crust, not something you associated with the city’s most infamous psychopaths. 

Above the front door on the second floor was an ornately decorated stone balcony, flanked by tall windows, lush green vines caterpillaring up the brick. 

Ivy blinked, wondering if they’d pulled into the wrong driveway.

“This is yours and Joker’s place?” 

“Yup!” Harley smiled as Bud and Lou cackled in the back. “The secret-secret hideout anyway. Nice, huh? Wait ‘til ya see inside.” 

Nice wasn’t the word Ivy would’ve used to describe it though. Unnerving, maybe. When she thought of Joker and Harley she thought of Amusement Mile—spray paint, busted rides, graffiti and neon madness. Loud and chaotic. 

But this? This was… normal. Too normal. 

She stepped out as Eddie and Brick got their doors, then went around back to get Bud and Lou. Her eyes swept the property and landed on a large white garage down the driveway. One door was open and music was filtering out as a few of Joker’s goons were playing pool inside.

“Come on,” Harley said, bounding up the steps. 

Ivy followed, watching Harley pop out a fake brick next to the door to reveal a retinal scanner.  

“Is that a fucking retina scanner?” She asked, wide-eyed. 

“Yeah. J is paranoid sometimes.” Harley sighed. 

“Jesus.” Ivy chuckled. “You think?” 

Harley chuckled back, but in a way that said Ivy didn’t know the half of it. 

She opened the front door and they stepped into the foyer.  

“He says this place is perfect ‘cause it blends in.” 

“Hm.” Ivy hummed, then shrugged. “I guess that’s kinda smart.” 

“Aww, I’ll tell ‘em you said that,” Harley teased. 

“Don’t you fucking dare,” Ivy glared, making her laugh.

Inside wasn’t the wreck Ivy expected either. Everything was clean, modern, expensive—and likely about to get trashed as Bud and Lou stampeded past them, claws clicking on dark hardwood, laughter leaving a trail. 

“Hey, you two! Come back here! You ain’t allowed on the furniture yet until you get on the Daddy’s good side!” Harley yelled, marching after them into an equally expansive living room. 

Ivy walked after her not knowing what to think, while Brick and Eddie came in behind, carrying the hyenas’ cage. 

“Harl, I’m not gonna lie,” Ivy said, taking in the giant TV and heavy furniture the hyenas were nosing. “I expected neon lights, guns on the coffee table, and maybe a stripper pole.” 

Harley giggled, kicking off her ducky slippers—which Bud and Lou immediately shredded. “Eh, that’s all at Hacienda. Joker don’t want that stuff here… except the guns… and we do have a couple neon lights.” 

“Off, Lou!” She snapped as he leapt onto the couch, chomping pillows. 

“Harley, where do you want this?” Eddie asked. 

She tapped her chin, then pointed down a side hall. “Utility room! Big enough for ‘em till I figure out where they’re gonna be permanently.” 

He and Brick hauled the cage off, but Bud and Lou darted after them, nearly knocking them over as they snatched a bag of toys on top and tore it open. 

“You hungry now?” Harley asked Ivy. “I can get us drinks and something to eat… Babies! C’mere, Bud! Lou!” She clapped.

Both hyenas whipped around from where they were dragging cushions off the couch cackling, and raced to her. 

“See? They listen.” She tugged Ivy toward the kitchen. “Let’s go outside and get lunch.” 

“Uh, okay…were you cooking already though?” Ivy asked, as the smell of garlic hit them going down the hall.

“Nope. That’s Silvio. He makes the best food you ever had,” Harley replied, with a smile. 

“Right…and Silvio is…?” 

“Silvi!” Harley grinned as they stepped into the kitchen. 

Ivy took one look at the thick, broad-shouldered man in a black dress shirt half open, sleeves rolled, gold chain, slicked-back gray hair, and thought there was no way. 

“Don’t tell me that’s Joker’s dad,” she said. 

Harley laughed. “Oh, no. If it was, I’d have beat the shit out of him already and asked what the fuck he did to him as a child.” 

Silvio whipped around and gasped. “…Well, I’ll be damned. Harley fucking Quinn.” He grinned.

“Yep, that’s me!” Harley ran across the kitchen and flung herself at him. He caught her with a grunt, hugged her enough to lift her off her feet, and laughed. 

“You crazy kid! I was starting to wonder if you was ever coming back.” 

“Me too! I missed you!” Harley kissed his cheek. 

“Aww, and we missed you.” He set her down. 

“Oh! Oh! Silvi, this is Ivy.” Harley tugged Ivy closer. “Ives, this is Silvio—used to be one of the best chefs in the kitchen at Hacienda, but Puddin’ pulled him here ‘cause he don’t trust me with the stove no more since the meatloaf incident, and he’s too lazy to cook even though he can and all he fucking eats is meat.” 

Silvio chuckled. 

“Yeah, I can’t wait until this phase of his is over.” 

“So, you have a private chef?” Ivy arched a brow, wondering what universe she just stepped into because it was starting to seem like Harley should be on Real Housewives of Gotham right now.

“Eh…kinda? Silvi’s more than a chef. He’s family,” Harley said, hugging him again. 

Silvio smiled and stepped over and kissed Ivy’s cheek. “So you’re the famous plant lady. Heard a thing or two from this one.” He pointed at Harley. 

Ivy was about to respond when claws on tile made them all look up as Bud and Lou barreled into the kitchen, skidding across the floor. 

Silvio froze, petrified. “What in christ’s name are those?!” 

“My babies!” Harley dropped down, clapping happily as Bud shoved his snout against her arm and Lou tried to climb the counter. “Sil, meet Bud and Lou! Aren’t they perfect?!” 

Silvio held the spoon he’d been stirring sauce with like a weapon, watching the hyenas circle with toothy grins. “Perfect? Harley, those are fuckin’ hyenas!” 

“Yep! Murder puppies with smiles,” she said, smooching Lou’s nose. “Aren’t ya, babies?” 

Silvio muttered, but when Harley looked up expectantly, he sighed and lowered the spoon to let them lick it except they took off with it. “Jesus. Leave it to you to walk in with hellhounds like they’re shelter strays.” 

“That’s what I said,” Ivy added. 

Lou let out a yipping laugh and Harley giggled. “Looks like they approve of you already, old man.” 

Silvio shook his head and went back to his sauce, grabbing a new spoon. “Yeah, well, I doubt Joker’s gonna like this, Harley. What were you thinking?” 

Harley pressed her lips, since she was getting tired of hearing that. “Well, I was thinkin’ they’re cute and they make me laugh.” 

Silvio chuckled. “Well, I guarantee he ain’t gonna be laughing. And cute? Those things eat people.”

"Not me!"

"I hope not, but anyway, what would you girls like for lunch? You hungry?” 

“Ooo, yes! But Ivy, you pick,” Harley said, ruffling Bud’s fur. 

Ivy’s nose twitched as she side-eyed the pot next to Silvio. “Whatever you’ve got cooking in that pot smells good.” 

“Old family recipe.” Silvio pointed the spoon at the back door. “And it ain’t done yet, so go on, Harley, take your friend outside. I’ll bring you drinks.” 

“Okay!” Harley hopped up and dragged Ivy toward the patio. “C’mon, Ives. Let’s let the babies run.” 

Ivy followed her to the door only to get another shock.

“Holy shit…” She gawked at all the flowers. 

“I know, ain’t it pretty? Joker got people for this too.” Harley walked across the long brick patio with Bud and Lou after her. They hit the grass and started playing. 

Ivy crouched by a cluster of orchids, toiching the petals delicately.

“Harley, these are rare. You don’t just stumble on these in Gotham. Whoever he’s got gardening for him knows their stuff," she said, continuously bewildered.

“Told ya,” Harley said, sitting at the black wrought-iron table. “Puddin’ don’t skimp on appearances…and he likes to sit out here sometimes.” 

Ivy just knitted her brows because none of this was making any sense.

She could feel that while the flowers in the courtyard were a little cramped, they were pretty happy though and that made her smile.

Harley leaned forward at the table watching at Ivy monitoring all the marigolds, chin in her hands, grinning since she hoped being out there would put her at ease.

“So, what else you been up to, Ives? Besides poisoning councilmen?” 

“Nothing, besides my usual hobbies. Greenhouse maintenance. Making greedy men regret being greedy. You know—I’m more interested in what’s been going on with you the last six months, Harls. How do you explain all this?" 

Harley chuckled and opened her mouth, but then Silvio stepped out with a tray of chilled white wine and a small plate of antipasto. “Drinks, and something light while the food finishes,” he said. 

“Ooooh. Thanks, Silvi.” Harley beamed and grabbed a glass. 

Silvio smiled back, but then hesitated for a moment.

“Eh, Harley. I hate to interrupt you, but could I talk to you inside for a minute?” 

“Oh.” Harley blinked, then looked up at him. “Sure, Sil. I’ll be right back, Ives.” 

“No problem,” Ivy said, sipping her wine. “I’ll just watch your kids murder the flowers.” 

Harley gasped.  

“Oh, no, no, no! Bud! Lou! Stop it!” She chased them off and inspected the daisies with a cringe. “Oh boy. You two are gonna get me in so much trouble with your father already, you know that?!” 

She shook her head, following Silvio back inside. He set the tray down and looked at her for a long moment.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, frowning. “You’re starin’ at me like I got something in my teeth.” She ran her tongue over her teeth and rubbed them with her finger. “Do I?”

Sivio laughed, shaking his head as he leaned back and crossed his arms. “Nah, just makin’ sure you’re really here. For a while, we didn’t think we’d ever see you again.”

Her grin brightened. “Aw, you guys really missed me?”

“Yeah,” he said quietly. “...but it’s a little more than that…”

His smile faded, replaced by something grim.

“What is it?” Harley pressed.

Silvio hesitated, scratching the back of his head, clearly debating how much to say.

“C’mon, Silvi, just spit it out,” Harley coaxed, smiling.

He sighed.

“Alright, but you didn’t hear it from me, okay?"

"Okay..." Harley said, amused and also curious.

"...look, you ever seen a man lose the one thing that keeps him steady? It ain’t pretty, Harley. The boss…he wasn’t himself while you were gone. He was outta his mind.”

“Who? Puddin’?” she asked, brow raised. "He's always outta his mind."

Sivio nodded, all seriousness. “Yeah, but this place was a minefield—ten times worse than usual. One wrong move boom, you’d end up in a body bag.”

Harley’s smile faded at that. “Huh?”

Silvio shook his head.

“I'm serious. He killed two of our own the first week. Put three more in the ground before Jonny dragged him outta here, tried gettin' him up to the penthouse in the Narrows—hopin’ bein’ away from reminders of you would help. Maybe it did, a little. Not enough.”

Harley’s stared, face pinched while she shook her head. “Sil, it ain’t like I wanted to leave. They took me, I didn’t—”

“I know,” he cut her off gently. “We all know. But listen—whatever storm you two got going on? The boss, I don’t think he’s built to lose you again, Harley. I never seen him like that. He stopped eating, started drinking himself stupid… but hey, you didn’t hear any of this from me.”

Harley stared at him, the weight of his words sinking in, but it didn't make sense.

“Yeah, okay, Sil, I get it. But it’s a little hard to picture Puddin’ like that, you know? He’s not exactly the fall apart type.”

Silvio’s smirk was tinged with sadness.

“I know. But sometimes a man doesn’t appreciate what he’s got until it’s gone. The boss is the boss, but while you were gone, he wasn’t… not really. I don't know what he was...just a ghost."

Harley sighed, chewing on a piece of pepperoni.

She didn't know what to make of what he was saying, but Silvio had no reason to lie to her. They were friends, after all.

She thought about everything that happened since Joker broke her out—last night, his apology, smuggling her away for two weeks, admitting he loved her.

Hell, maybe it was true.

“…He really lost it?” she asked.

Silvio nodded, slow and solemn. “Bad enough we were all terrified, Harley. And that don’t happen easy.”

Harley snorted at that, because coming from Joker’s guys, that meant something. They were tough as nails. You had to be to work for him.

She shook her head. “Well, you don’t gotta worry about me disappearing again for awhile. He’s got me chained to this house now, so…”

Slvio managed a small smile. “He just doesn’t wanna lose you again, Harley.”

“Yeah, that’s what he said,” she admitted, lips pursed. “…He said a lot, actually. At least now I know he probably meant it. Thanks, Sil.”

He shrugged. “I'm sorry, I hope I didn’t cross a line."

Harley smiled softly. “No, I’m glad you told me. Gettin’ information outta anyone around here is like pulling teeth. But don’t worry, this stays between us.”

“Thanks, Harley. Now please, go on back to your friend if you want, she's probably waiting. Food’ll be ready soon.”

Harley grinned faintly and kissed his cheek, then stepped back outside, squinting at the sunlight.

When she got back to the table, Ivy looked up, immediately picking up on the shift in her mood.

“You okay?” She asked. 

“Huh? Yeah.” Harley forced a smile and sat down. “I’m fine.” 

Ivy tilted her head up suspiciously. 

“What did that guy just say to you in there?” She asked.

“Huh?” Harley looked up again, still half in her head. “Nothin’.” 

Ivy sighed.  

“What is going on with you, Harls? Really? What the hell happened to you the last six months?” 

Harley gave a half-laugh, twirling her wine stem, gaze drifting to Bud and Lou rolling in the grass.  

“Oh, Ivy. You ain’t gonna believe me if I tell ya.” 

“Try me.” 

She nodded and drew in a breath and drained her glass and set it down. 

“Okay, fine. You ever heard of Task Force X?” 

“No.” 

“Well, that’s where I was. Long story short, it’s some kind of secret government suicide squad. This woman named Amanda Waller was using me and a bunch of other bad guys to do her dirty work. You know all that stuff in Midway City? You hear about it on the news probably?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Well, it was some kind of ancient paranormal witch trying to take over the world, and we were forced to stop her.” 

“What do you mean forced?” Ivy frowned.

“I mean they put bombs in our necks and were gonna kill us if we didn’t.” 

“Jesus.” 

“Yeah… I mean, we did stop the witch, but before that J came to rescue me.” 

“That was like two months ago, though."

“I know, ‘cause it all went wrong." Harley shook her head. "He did get me out, but while we were escapin’, they shot our chopper and it blew up.” 

She swallowed hard, remembering it like it just happened because she saw it constantly in her nightmares.  

“Me and him were gonna jump together onto a rooftop ‘cause we were going down, but then he got knocked back and I fell out while the chopper went straight into a building and…” She shook her head. “I thought he was dead, Ives. Who wouldn’t? I saw it explode.” 

“How did he survive then?” Ivy asked. 

“Fuck if I know—he won’t talk about it.” Harley glared. “Says it ain’t no big deal. And maybe it ain’t for him, but it was for me. He’s my whole life, and I just watched it go up in smoke in the span of a minute, and he keeps actin’ like I should just get over it ‘cause he ain’t dead.”

Tears filled her eyes.

“And I dunno. I guess I also feel guilty because I didn’t go to check to make sure he wasn’t still alive and just hurt, but I didn’t know how he could’ve survived that, and I still had the damn bomb in my neck. So I went back to the team ‘cause I didn’t know if they could still blow me up, and I didn’t wanna be alone. Besides, what did I have after that anyway.” 

“Harley you have plenty without Joker,” Ivy shook her head. "Your self worth isn't determined by him." 

“Thanks, Ives,” Harley sniffed, wiping face.

“Well, what happened after that?” 

“After that I got taken back to Belle Reve and put back into a cell. It was torture because Joker was all I could think about day and night. I was trying to move on somehow, get him outta my head, but then I’m just sitting there and the next thing I know he’s blowin’ up the prison and sweeping me off to some luxurious cabin in the woods…tellin’ me he loves me.” 

Ivy’s eyes widened. “Joker told you he loves you?!” 

“Yeah, but of course he didn’t want to.” Harley frowned. “He’s such shit at emotions, tried saying they were just words and that I should know already. I did, but I just wanted to hear it from him so I didn’t think I was crazy anymore. Because you know one minute he acts like he wants me and the next he acts like he can’t stand me.” She glared. “But he’s been different since he broke me out, Ivy.” 

“How so?” Ivy asked, trying not to sound too skeptical, but she'd heard that before.

So many times Harley would talk about how sweet Joker was being and how much he was trying. But it never lasted. He alwaya went back to hurting her somehow.

“Just nicer. I mean, he’s still Joker, that’s for sure, but not yelling and screaming at me all the time. Holding me instead of pushing me away. Havin’ the patience to have a conversation. It just feels like he actually cares now, and realizes how much he does need me. And that’s what Silvio was telling me now to—how upset Joker was while I was gone, and you know last night he actually apologized to me?” 

“He did?" 

“Yeah, I know. That was my reaction to. First time ever. For everything bad he’s done to me… of course this was right after he blew up because I told him you were coming over.” 

“Of course.” Ivy rolled her eyes. 

“Yeah, but I could tell he meant it. I know he’s trying to not be such an asshole.” 

She went quiet after that and poured herself more wine while Ivy studied her.

She was telling her all this – that Joker was doing everything Harley ever dreamed of him doing, but she could tell there was a ‘but’ waiting to drop. 

“Well, I hate to say it—and I have severe reservations, but Harls, if Joker’s finally doing all that, why do you still seem unhappy, honey?” 

“I’m not unhappy,” Harley said quickly. “I mean things are tense cause we’re figuring it out…but I don’t know.” She frowned. “It’s just… it took so long to get here to this point, you know? And it’s still new, and part of me worries despite his promises he’s not, that he’s gonna revert back to his old self as usual. I spent so much time thinking in that cell about our relationship, Ivy, and how he treated me, and I just feel guilty.” 

Ivy glared.

“Why the fuck do you feel guilty? You just said it—he’s put you through hell.”  

Harley chuckled. 

“I know, but because…” She shrugged, trying not to get upset even as tears bubbled.

“Because...there was this moment when I thought he died, and I was mourning him…I also felt a sense of relief, and freedom, even though I was devastated.” 

She started to cry, and Ivy lifted her brows at that revelation before she frowned and scooted her chair closer.

“Harls,” she rubbed her back and hugged her. “Anyone whose been through what you’ve been through would feel the same way. He controls nearly every aspect of your life, honey. 

“I know, Ives,” Harley chuckled. “But it ain’t even really about that. "Call me crazy, but I don’t even mind that so much. It’s mainly always been about him acting like I mattered to him. He said he’s always loved me. I know that’s probably true, but I ain’t going back to surviving on scraps of affection from him anymore. I told him that.” 

Ivy shook her head.

“You shouldn’t have been doing that anyway, Harley. You deserve so much more than what you’ve been getting, honey. And the things he’s done already don’t just disappear because he finally spit out three little words either.” 

Harley bit her lip hard. “I know... just, argh.” She growled in frustration. “When he said it—when he finally said I love you—I felt like I could breathe again. Like all that waitin’ and hurt wasn’t for nothin’. Like it meant somethin’ and was just stuff I had to endure to get to the good part. I know it don’t make sense, but it was like all the oxygen came back into the room. Like I’d been holdin’ my breath.” 

“You weren’t holding your breath, Harls,” Ivy said gently. “You were drowning.” 

Harley nodded. “Yeah, you’re right.” She brushed away fresh tears. “But I can’t help it. I’m still in love with him, Ivy—maybe now more than ever.” She shook her head. “It’s like I’d rather drown with him than be without him, and I know I should be madder. I know I should want more for myself. But I just want him…I’m a therapists worst fucking nightmare.” 

Ivy closed her eyes briefly and sighed.

“Well, as long as you know that.” She smiled softly. 

“I know, trust me.” Harley frowned. “I'm sorry...I'm sorry I’m crying all over you.” She attempted to pull herself together. “Joker said that’s all I do is cry.” 

“Joker is an insensitive prick." Ivy glared. "You just went through a traumatic experience.” She hugged her closer. “You know that better than anyone.” 

“Yeah, but I also need to get over it ‘cause he’s right.” 

Ivy groaned.

“No, honey, you take all the time you need. Don’t fucking listen to him. He’s a sociopath for fuck’s sake," she said, angrily.

“He feels more than you think, Ives," Harley replied.

Ivy pressed her lips, thinking she should have killed Joker when she had the chance. 

That Evening 

The day had been a long one.  

By six o’clock, Joker, Jonny, and Panda Man were knee-deep in corpses, their hunt for potential Dead File bidders finished for now. 

“Let’s just go home,” Joker said at last, his bloodlust having faded. “Keep focusing on finding Croft. This was just so I could relax before I face whatever fresh hell Harley’s got waiting on me at home.” 

Jonny grinned. “Oh yeah, almost forgot. You’re getting a new addition today, huh J?” 

“Fucking unfortunately,” Joker muttered. 

Jonny laughed. “You thinking Pomeranian or Chihuahua? My money’s on Pomeranian.” 

Panda snorted from the front seat. “Yeah, I could see that.” 

Joker just shook his head.  

“Well, I’m glad you two think it’s funny I’m gonna have some chicken nugget eyeballin’ me day and night.” 

“Yeah, ‘cause c’mon, boss, picture it,” Jonny kept up his ribbing. “You, rhinestone leash, puffball dog struttin’ down the block in a glittery sweater.” 

“With a bow,” Panda added. “Gotta have a bow.” 

“Oh yeah, definitely a bow—or pigtails,” Jonny chuckled. 

Joker sighed, smirking despite himself. “Yeah, except I ain’t gonna be the one walkin’ it. No, no. That’s gonna be you two—one on dog duty, the other on shit cleaning duty in the backyard. Can’t wait. Big bad Panda Man waddlin’ down the street with a Pomeranian in a fucking tutu.” 

Jonny barked a laugh. “People would pay money to see that, though. We could charge for pictures.” 

Joker chuckled low. 

Panda tilted his head. “What if it’s a Chihuahua though?” 

“Then I’m putting it in a blender… or maybe I’ll barbecue it.” He scowled. “Don’t know why she wants a dog anyway.” 

“Eh, you know women,” Panda said. “Most of ’em want something they can baby and nurture.” 

“Yeah, and that’s exactly what’s gonna happen. Then I’ll be the asshole for puttin’ my foot down,” Joker grumbled. 

Jonny grinned. “Hey, remember the bird thing?” 

“Yeah, I do—and somehow I still said yes.”  

“Eh, it happens to the best of us, boss,” Panda said, almost kindly. 

“Well, gee, thanks, Pandy. If I’d known this was a fucking support group, I’d’ve ended it before we got back in the truck.” 

Panda chuckled. 

“Just offering moral support, Boss. I know it ain’t easy when the girls start gettin’ into that phase.” 

“What phase?”  

“The kiddy phase. First it’s animals. Next thing, they’re talkin’ kids. Downhill slope from there.” 

“Panda, your wife must love you,” Jonny smiled. 

“Eh, I think she tolerates me, and the kids like the costume.” 

“Yeah? How many kids you got, Pandy?” Joker asked. 

“Goin’ on about seven now.” 

“Seven?! Your haggardly ass is taking care of seven kids?” Jonny exclaimed, making Joker laugh. 

“What can I say?” Panda shrugged. “I’m a lover, so sue me.” 

“Fuck, Pandy. Am I paying you enough for that?” 

“Course, boss. The wife is also a nurse. Comes in real handy when the jobs get kinda screwy sometimes.” 

“Good to know.” 

They took the Sprang bridge back across the river and arrived back at the house by seven.   

Joker and Jonny headed inside for a drink while Panda went to continue the search for Croft, but as soon as Joker opened the door, his blood pressure already started going up.

At his feet—and all across the foyer—lay a battlefield of shredded chew toys and stuffed animals, with their cotton innards hanging out. 

He stared at the carnage in silence. Jonny meanwhile, was smiling. 

“I don't think a Pom or Chihuahua coulda done this.” 

Joker glared as he stepped into the living room where it didn’t get any better. 

All the couch cushions and pillows had been dragged off. A lamp lay shattered. One pillow was obliterated, its fabric skin peeled across the floor like a snakes while stuffing covered the black area rug. 

He shook his head, feeling like a prophet almost sometimes, predicting Harley’s moves. 

He was gritting his teeth at the broken lamp when he heard a sound in the distance. A low, guttural noise, almost a laugh—but definitely still an animal. 

It carried from outside. Jonny cocked his head. “That don’t sound like no puppy.”  

“You tryin’ to get a raise for your mediocre observation skills, Jonny? No shit it don’t sound like a puppy,” Joker snapped. 

Jonny just laughed and strode down the hall toward the noise with him into the kitchen. That’s when they saw it. 

Harley was outside, sprawled in a patio chair across the way, pigtails bouncing as she laughed, half-empty wine glass in hand. Ivy sat across from her, and circling them—like two Cujo on the loose—were two hulking spotted hyenas, golden eyes gleaming, eerie laughter shrilling as they rolled and snapped at each other’s throats. 

“Bud! Lou! Be nice to each other!” Harley yelled. 

Joker gripped the doorframe so hard the wood creaked. 

“Holy shit. Are those hyenas?” Jonny gaped, laughing as Joker sliced him with another look. 

 “What the fuck, Jonny?” 

“What?” Jonny kept laughing. “I told you one of us should’ve gone with her.” 

“That’s what the idiots we sent were for,” Joker replied. “Your recommendations, by the way.” 

“Yeah, to protect her, and they did. But she’s still the Boss’s girl, so they’re gonna listen to whatever she says so they don’t piss you off unless she’s in danger.” 

“Two hyenas don’t count as dangerous?” 

Jonny looked outside at Harley giving them kisses and pets. “Not to her, it don’t look like.” 

“Well, there’s some fucking fine print for you.” Joker slammed the patio door open. 

“Harley!” he bellowed, like a cracked whip. 

Every head snapped up. 

Bud and Lou sniffed the air; their hackles raised, laughter tapering into low, throaty growls while Harley bounced to her feet. 

 “PUDDIN’! You’re home!” She squealed, about to go over to him, but she was cut off as Bud and Lou scrambled between them, teeth bared at Joker, snapping as he came closer. They looked ready to tear him apart like they did Murray earlier. 

“Eh...Bud! Lou! Stop it!” Harley clapped at them, nervously. 

Joker tightened his jaw, looking down at the frothing hyenas, then at her. “Harley, you told me you were getting a fucking dog!” He yelled. 

“Well, they are, Puddin’… kinda. Bud! Lou! Stop that right now!” She glanced down at them. 

Her heart lurched as their cackling tipped into vicious warnings. They kept inching forward when Joker didn’t move back. 

“Oh no,” Ivy sighed to herself, closing her eyes, hand to her head. This was what she’d been afraid of. Now she was about to watch Harley’s new pets die probably, right in front of her, at her boyfriends hands. 

“Puddin’, please, they just don’t know you yet, that’s all,” Harley pleaded. 

Jonny’s hand drifted toward his gun when he saw the hyenas were about two seconds from ripping Joker apart, while Joker just stood there—pissed, but unfazed. 

“Boss—” 

“Don’t.” Joker held up a hand. 

He shot Harley a glare, then crouched low and slow, right in Bud and Lou’s faces, a feral grin twisting across his mouth. 

Harley’s breath caught. Her stomach flipped. She was terrified he’d do something to them, and at the same time, afraid they’d make him dessert. 

“Joker—” 

“Quiet.” 

The yard went still, aside from Bud and Lou marking their territory. 

Bud’s growl rumbled deep while Lou’s teeth glinted, spit flying as he snapped near Joker’s face. 

Joker’s grin melted away then, replaced by a glare full of hatred and warning. A fellow predator’s gaze, promising violence. The energy rolling off him felt almost inhuman. It filled the backyard and made everyone shift—including Harley. 

She shuddered, recognizing the look from last night—only a hundred times worse. 

Bud’s snarl wavered first, faltering into a chuff. His ears twitched back. Lou tried to hold, but Joker zeroed in on him next; the laugh choked into a whimper, tongue slipping out nervously as both their eyes darted away. They circled, whining, then lowered to themselves to the flagstones, bellies pressed down, eerie cackles dissolving into subdued panting. 

Joker stayed there another beat to make sure they understood without a doubt who the fucking alpha was, then he stood back up. 

Harley blinked at Bud and Lou now quiet as mice. She arched a brow and shook her head speechless. 

"Puddin..."

Jonny had the same reaction as he lowered his hand from his gun. He’d seen the Boss break men with his bare hands, shoot people cold, laugh through bloodbaths… but staring two hyenas into submission? That was a new one. 

“Harley, explain to me why the fuck there are two hyenas in my backyard!” 

Harley frowned and knelt, rubbing Bud and Lou’s backs. “Well, Joker, I just thought they were cute, with their smiles and giggles. They sounded like us, and I wanted somethin’ you’d like too. I couldn’t help it. I love them already.” 

Joker’s jaw flexed as she gave him a pleading look.  

He was so close to blowing up he could taste it. And he wanted nothing more than to throw in her face this was why he said she couldn’t go anywhere, and that even if she thought he was a bastard for monitoring everything she did, at least it stopped her from doing shit like this—bringing man-eating African savanna dogs home. 

But then he thought of last night, and how he’d apologized for the exact things he felt like doing again now, and he knew Jonny was right, that he should have went with her to prevent this. He rubbed a hand over his face and cracked his neck, letting out a slow sigh to calm down. 

“What the hell are we supposed to feed these things?” he asked, shaking his head. 

“I don’t know. I got some dog food.” Harley stood, once she realized he wasn’t gonna go ballistic. She hugged his waist. 

“Dog food,” he repeated, flatly.

“Yeah.” She looked up at him. 

He ran a hand through his hair, thinking he had to be close to a stroke. 

“Harley, they ain’t gonna survive on dog food, honey. They eat meat. Raw meat. A lot of it.” 

“Well, can’t we get meat? You eat meat all the time,” she replied. 

He chuckled in disbelief. “Yeah, but not a whole fucking cow a day, which is what these two need.” 

“Well, I’m sure we can figure something out.” 

Joker groaned again at the way she said it, like it was no big deal.  

 He shot Jonny a look that said, figure out how I feed two hyenas without opening a goddamn cattle ranch before I lose my mind. 

Jonny smiled. 

“I can get in touch with the butcher tomorrow,” he said. 

“Great.” Joker started to turn to go back inside. 

“Wait, where you going?” Harley held his hand. 

“Obviously I need a fucking drink,” he said to her, glaring. 

“Well, I’ll get it for ya, Puddin'.” She rubbed his arms. “You just sit and relax here.” She dragged him to the table where Ivy and Jonny were sitting and pushed him into the chair next to hers. She kissed his head and brushed his hair back. “You want somethin’, Jonny?” 

“Uh, sure. Thanks, Harley.” 

She left and the table was silent before Joker turned his anger on Ivy. 

“Ivy,” he said at last. 

“Joker. Nice house.” She smirked. 

“Yeah, it was.” He cut a look at the yard all dug up. “Why the hell did you let her get two hyenas?” 

“Because she makes her own decisions, and I couldn’t talk her out of it. She loved them the second she saw them. And as usual, she was worried about pleasing you.” 

He narrowed his eyes. 

Ivy glanced around. “Didn’t know you were so into plants.” 

He smiled thinly. “Is that a threat?” 

“Not at the moment. Not unless it needs to be.” 

They glared at one another, but by then Harley returned and handed Jonny his whiskey. 

 “Here ya go.”  

“Thanks, Harley.” 

“You’re welcome.” She sat beside Joker and passed him his scotch. “Watcha guys talkin’ about?” She asked, even though she knew they weren’t talking about anything. 

“Uh, nothing. I was just about to leave,” Ivy said, standing. 

“Awww.” Harley popped back up. “Already?” 

“Yeah, it’s getting late. I gotta you know...check on the plants.” 

“Okay, well, thanks for coming with me to pick out the doggies. I love you, Ives.” Harley hugged her. 

Joker made a face. 

“I love you too, Harls. This was an experience, as always. I’m glad you’re back.” 

Harley grinned and then flicked a glance at Jonny. “Well, you probably need a ride home, don’t ya? I bet Jonny wouldn’t mind takin’ ya.” 

Joker’s gaze cut to Jonny. 

“Uh, no, I don’t mind,” Jonny said. “I needed to go that way anyway.” 

“Oh.” Ivy tucked hair behind her ear. “Are you sure?” 

“Yep.” Jonny stood. 

Joker squinted suspiciously between them as Harley smiled. 

“Thanks for the drink. See you tomorrow, Boss,” Jonny called. 

“Bye,” Harley giggled, then came back and sat in Joker’s lap where he was frowning. 

“Harley, what the hell are you doing?” 

“What?” 

“That. What the hell was that?” He nodded toward Jonny and Ivy. 

She rolled her eyes.  

“They deserve love too, Puddin’.” 

“Baby, I don’t need you playing matchmaker with my general—especially with her. I got enough problems and distractions with you.” 

“Oh, is that what I am again? A problem?” Harley glared.

“Yeah, when you’re bringing home two fucking hyenas you are.” 

“They’re just babies, Joker. And I ain’t gotta play matchmaker. They already have a thing.” 

“What?” Joker snarled. 

Harley arched a brow. “Yeah...don’t tell me you didn’t know.”  

“No, I didn’t. So why don’t you fill me in," he demanded. 

Harley took a drink of her wine and shrugged.  

“They’ve had an on-again off-again thing almost as long as we’ve had one.” 

"What?" Joker said again, eyeing her hard.

"What?" Harley frowned.

“Are you telling me my top guy is a traitor right now?” He asked. 

Harley sighed.

“He ain’t a traitor,” she combed his hair with her fingers. “You didn’t even know it was going on. He’s just got good taste.” 

“Good taste? In her?” 

“Yeah. Ivy’s gorgeous. You act like you didn’t notice that either.” 

“The only thing I noticed is she’s a pain in my ass,” Joker growled. “With all that holier-than-thou ‘save the plants, kill the men’ crap—now you’re telling me she’s banging my right-hand guy?” 

“She never said kill all the men.” Harley chuckled. “And he’s your friend. You’re supposed to be supportive.” 

“Jonny ain’t my friend, Harley. He’s just really good at his job.” 

“Oh, is that why you play PlayStation with him?”  

“It’s a team building exercise.”  

She snorted.  

“Yeah, okay, 'cause you really care about team buildin'"

He scowled some more and she shook her head at him. “It’s alright to have a friend, Puddin’. Calm down." She rubbed his chest through his dark purple dress shirt—until she saw the blood on it.

“Aww, you got blood on you.” She grabbed the lapel. “What happened?” Her eyes flicked up to his before she opened it further, checking for wounds. 

“Nothin’. It ain’t mine,” Joker replied, chugging his drink. “I was extracting information.” 

“Yeah…” She grabbed his hand on the arm curled around her. “Well, you didn’t bust open your stitches while doin’ that, did you?” She inspected it too. 

“No, but I got the name of someone who supposedly knows about the file and is putting it up for auction. Some lackey of Waller’s she pissed off.” 

“Well, that ain’t surprisin’. So it ain’t her after all?” 

“Dunno yet. Might not be. But she’s still missin’, and that’s suspicious.”  

“Mmm.”

Harley laid her head against the chair and caressed his cheek. “Is that where you were all day? I missed you.” 

“Harley, you just saw me this morning,” Joker replied. 

“I know, but that was a long time ago.” 

“It was eight hours ago.” 

She huffed.  

“Eight hours is a long time, Puddin’. One third of a day.” She pouted and played with his collar. “Didn’t you think about me at all?” 

Joker chuckled. “Yeah, actually. I wondered what you were gonna have me walkin’ into when I got home. Now I know.”  

“You mean a gorgeous girlfriend who adores you?” Harley grinned. 

“Actually, I was talkin’ about the hyenas, but I guess you ain’t bad to look at.”  

She pursed her lips and stared at him flatly. He smirked and leaned in to kiss her. 

“So… these things got names?” He asked.

“Yeah.” Harley smiled. “Purple collar is Bud, red collar is Lou.” 

“I’m assuming you got them a cage to sleep in so they don’t tear more of the living room apart tonight.” 

“Yes, I did. And I’m going to clean that up.” 

“I know you are, because they’re your headache now," Joker knocked back the rest of his scotch.

“Mmm. Yeah, but you’re still their daddy to." She kissed kissed his cheek. "Look how good they listen to you.” 

“They only did that because I put them in their place, Harley. You didn’t see me makin’ kissy faces at them like I’m sure you’ve been doing all day.” 

“Of course I have. They’re my babies!” She beamed. 

“Well, do your babies listen to you? Or is this like I said was gonna happen and I gotta be the bad guy?” Joker asked. 

“Yeah, they listen,” Harley insisted. 

“Let’s see it then.” 

“Fine.”

She looked over to the two of them rolling around in the grass.

“Bud! Lou! C’mere.” 

The two of them got up immediately and darted over, sniffing at their laps, pawing at Harley’s legs. 

“See?” She scratched both their heads. “They’re adorable.” 

“They’re wild killing machines,” Joker said. 

“Not to me.”

She giggled, tugging Bud’s big head closer to plant a big kiss on it. Lou hiccup-cackled and licked her wrist until she laughed so hard her wine almost sloshed out of her glass. 

Joker just shook his head watching her.

She was glowing—cheeks flushed, hair a little messy from the summer air, cuddling them like oversized lapdogs instead of feared predators. She didn’t even flinch at their teeth. 

“You’re ridiculous,” he muttered. 

“Nuh-uh, pet them and you’ll see they’re just big babies.” 

“Big babies that were trying to rip my face off not too long ago.” 

“Yeah, ‘cause they were protecting me from other predators.” She gave him a knowing glance. 

“Mmm."

He set his glass down with a sneer and reached to pet Lou by his knee.  

Lou got closer, cautiously, and Joker ran his fingers through the tuft of fur on his head, then grimaced at the slobber when Lou licked his hand.

Their eyes grew wide as Lou then raised and put both paws on Joker’s knee, putting them face to face.

Joker gave him the look from earlier—not as hard, but still, Lou whimpered and lowered his head into Joker’s lap. 

“Aww.” Harley gushed. “See? They love you already.” 

“No, they respect me because they know who the boss is. Watch.” He pulled his hand away. “Down.” 

Lou immediately slid off his lap and sat in front of them again. 

“Down,” Joker ordered again. 

That time Lou laid at his feet. Joker smirked over at Harley. “There. Now you do it.” 

“I was yelling at them earlier,” Harley said. 

“Yeah, but were they listening?” 

“Yeah… kind of.” 

“Well, then go ahead.” 

She sighed and stared down at Bud, pouting because she didn’t want to be mean to him.  

“Bud, down!” She said. But instead of laying down, he just pawed her leg. 

“No, you gotta be authoritative, baby.” Joker shook his head. “You made it sound like a suggestion. Do it again.” 

Harley popped her bottom lip looking at Bud's little face, but tried to summon meaner energy. “Down, Bud!” 

He did the same thing, and Joker started snickering as Harley huffed. 

“Down,” Joker barked.  

Bud laid right down at Harley's feet, and Harley grumbled.

“Whatever,” she muttered. “Well, I don’t need to yell at them—that’s what I got you for,” she said. 

“Yeah? Then don’t get all upset when I’m makin’ em mind then,” Joker replied. 

They went back to sitting there, and Harley let out breath that came out half a whine and laid her head back on his shoulder.  

“Baby, you wanna go inside and get somethin’ to eat?” She asked. “Then maybe you can get outta those bloody clothes and into a nice hot bubble bath with me?” 

Joker knotted his brows, then turned his head towards her slowly, one brow up. “Harley…”  

“What?” She kissed his neck.  

“I am not getting into another one of your fucking stripper glitter-bomb concoctions again, not after last time.” 

“What? Why not?” She smiled.

“Because...last time I was itchy for two days. I smelled like a goddamn strawberry shortcake, and my dick was sparkly for a week.” 

She broke into a fit of giggles and buried her face in his neck, biting it softly.  “Well, I promise I’ll only put bubbles in it this time.” 

“Yeah right.”  

“I swear.”  

He trained his eyes on her.   

“I think we both know you just want an excuse to get me naked. You been trying since this morning.” 

“Uhhhh, yeah,” she said, grinning. “Come on, Puddin’, you like playing with me.” 

Joker smirked, but didn’t respond. She tilted her head, pouting.  

“You’ve been gone all day. Lemme take care of you...I don’t even know why you bother acting like you don’t like it. Just give into temptation with me.”  

“You sound like a fucking chocolate commercial." Joker rolled his eyes.  

Harley laughed.  

“Yeah, and that’s fitting ‘cause I’m sweet like chocolate.” She kissed him.  

“No, you’re a fucking menace like your sidekicks down there.” 

“Yeah, but you love that to. Now come on, let’s eat. Silvio left a pot roast that smelled really good," she said, getting up.

She offered him her hand. Joker took it and didn’t bother arguing.

He already made the decision while he was cleaning up the kitchen this morning from his outburst last night to just give her what she wanted from now on, unless it was something to do with keeping her from getting killed, obviously his approach at doing things was not working out, at least in their relationship. If he had to start murdering more people  everyday to keep the balance then he would, but he was tired of fighting her and it never got him anywhere except her mad at him and crying.  

So, they went in the house with Bud and Lou in tow. Joker took off his shirt and pistols and went to the fridge and got Harley a lemonade, then stirred himself some electrolyte water. They met at the kitchen island and filled their plates with roast. Joker listened to Harley's chit chat until he saw she was about to sneak some food to Bud and Lou.  

“Baby, they ain’t ever gonna stop begging if you do that,” he warned her. 

“But it’s just a little bit,” Harley replied. 

Joker arched an eyebrow, because he highly doubted that.   

“Did they eat today at all? The dogfood that you bought?”  

“No...well, I mean, not the dog food.” 

“Well what did you feed them then?” he asked, licking the roast off his fork.  

He glanced over at her and squinted suspiciously when she had a nervous look on her face. 

“Oh you know… little of this, a little of that,” Harley said.  

Joker chuckled.  

“Mmm, Harley speak for you don’t want me to know. You didn’t feed’em candy did you?” 

“What? No…maybe I just don’t wanna ruin another dinner.”  

“That bad huh? But you didn’t ruin nothin’ that was me, and ain’t nothin’ gonna get ruined. What happened?” 

Harley sighed.  

“Okay, fine, I’ll tell you, but you better not get mad.”  

“Depends on what it is.” Joker teased, then rolled his eyes when she frowned.

"I ain't gonna get mad. Just tell me. What’d you do? Make a scene like I asked you not to? I didn’t get any angry phone calls.” 

“Sort of…I fed the creep that owned the pet store to Bud and Lou because he was disgusting and he was hitting on me.”   

“What? He was hitting on you?” Joker glared. 

“Yeah, and he didn’t want to sell Bud and Lou to me, but then Eddie and Brick were tellin’ him he should just shut his trap and take the money before you found out. Then it just kind of escalated.” She frowned. “Are you mad?”  

Joker snorted.

“Am I mad you wasted some peasant who tried to put his hands on you? No."

“Okay, then now that you know. Puddin' I feel bad for the animals that were there, since they probably ain’t got no one to feed’em now. Could you maybe send one of the boys there to check on them tomorrow morning?”  

 Joker flicked his gaze sideways.

“You want me to play fucking pet rescue.”

“Please?” Harley pleaded, guiltily. “They were all so cute they don’t deserve to starve in a cage.” 

“Good god, Harley,” Joker sighed. “What shop was it?”  

“Murray’s Exotic Animals.”  

“Oh…" He perked up. "Well you ain’t gotta worry about them starvin’ because I know that place. It's ran, or it was ran by twin brothers.”  

“It is?” 

“Yeah, and you’re right they are disgusting.” He leaned over and kissed her cheek. "But I'm sure the other one will be by to feed them." 

Harley smiled softly. "Okay."

Joker chuckled.

“Did they eat all of him?”  

“Yeah, ‘cept for a few bones."

“Do you think they’re still hungry?”  

“I dunno.” She shrugged. “They seem like they are, why?”  

Joker sighed and shook his head.

“Just give’em a couple steaks out of the fridge until we can talk to the butcher tomorrow.”  

“Really? Yeah, and don’t give them anymore of that dogfood yet either." He frowned. "I heard there’s a bunch of chemicals in that stuff.”  

“Okay.” She grinned softly, kissing his cheek. “But why you being so nice to them?” 

“I ain’t, I just don’t want them chewing anymore of the furniture because they’re peckish.”  

“Mmhmm,” Harely said, knowingly, smiling at him.  

She got up and went to the fridge, brushing her fingers along the back of his shoulders. She grabbed out two big ribeye's and put them in their metal food bowls. Bud and Lou fell over themselves crossing the kitchen floor to get to them. 

“Thank you,” she replied.

Joker stuffed more pot roast into his mouth and avoided her gaze. 

After dinner, they finally headed upstairs and Joker detoured to his office while Harley got the bath ready.   

There was a text from Jonny that came through on his phone as soon as he sat down. He opened it up and read it.

Jonny: We got a lead on Croft. A big one.  

Joker stared at the message, his thumb hovering over the screen before he texted back, glaring.

Joker: Is she? 

Jonny: Is who what? 

Joker: Is Ivy your plant-fucking girlfriend Jonny? 

There was a long pause, then three dots appeared. 

Jonny: It’s complicated, J.

Joker smirked angrily. Of course it was. 

Joker: Everything’s complicated with you. What’s the lead? 

Jonny: One of Croft’s old army buddies runs a chop shop in the Bowery. Word is Croft’s been hiding out there, using it as a base. Place is called “Gears & Grinds.” Panda’s already casing it. 

Joker: Fine. Don’t move though. I want to be there for this. 

Jonny: You sure? It might be nothing. 

Joker: Just swing back by and pick me up and then we’ll head there. On the way we can talk about where your loyalties lie . 

Jonny: With you, Boss, as always. On my way. 

Joker shoved the phone in his pocket just as Harley appeared in the doorway wrapped in a fluffy pink towel. 

“Bubbles are ready, Puddin’,” she sang, leaning against the doorframe. “What’re you doin’?” 

Joker looked up from his computer.

“Uh, well something came up, baby. I gotta go out."

Harley’s face fell instantly. “What? Now? You just got home.” 

“I know, but Jonny got a lead we need to check it out.” 

“But you said you’d get in the bath with me. You said you were done for the day." Harley frowned.

“No, I said I was done hunting bidders,” Joker corrected, standing up and circling the desk. He stopped in front of her. “This is different. This is the guy who might actually have the file.” 

“And it can’t wait ‘til morning?” She asked, pouting. “I don’t want you to go. You were gone all day.” 

Joker reached out to caress her cheek because he did actually feel bad, and he was kind of looking forward to getting in the bath with her to.

“It’s gonna be much easier to catch this guy at night, you know that." 

“Yeah, but…” 

“No, now don’t start doing that,” Joker said, when tears filled her eyes. 

“Well, maybe I wouldn’t if you weren’t always doin’ this, Joker." Harley glared. "You pull me close and then you just leave. Every time things get good, you find a reason to walk out the door.” 

“That ain’t what I’m doing, baby. I’m just going to check out this lead,” Joker replied, frowning. “And then I’m coming right back...this is someone tryin’ to sell information about me to a bunch of vultures. Whether it’s true or not. This is me making sure we stay safe so we can keep havin’ nights in the bathtub.” 

“But we are safe. Right here. Right now. In this house. With a garage full of goons and two hyenas downstairs.” 

“Yeah, and how about tomorrow? You think a fucking hyena is gonna stop a bullet meant for you? You think a brick wall is gonna stop a bomb? This is how we protect ourselves, by me being out there making sure the threats never get to the front door. You know this.” 

“Fine."

She turned to leave, and Joker sighed and grabbed her arm. 

“Why are you so upset?” 

She wrenched away from him, tears finally spilling over.

“I dunno, maybe because I just got you back? And now you wanna go out there and possibly never come home again.” 

“I told you I’m coming right back.” 

“Yeah right, that’s what you always say.” 

He puffed out his cheeks.

“Well, I was gone all day and you were just fine.” 

“No, I had Ivy to distract me.” 

 “Then find somethin’ else to distract you, Harley. Take the bath. Watch tv. Nothin' ain't gonna happen to me. I'll be right back. Why are you making all this shit with the file so difficult?Why can't you just let me deal with it and then we can go back to some semblance of normal?"

"Because, I don't want you to go. Why does it have to be you?”  

Joker growled and clenched his jaw.

"Harley...just c'mere."

He pulled her into him.

He could feel the fine tremors running through her. How scared she was to be away from him now and he hated it. He hated what was instilled in them both because of Waller. And then there was this sense more things might have happened to her at that prison than he’d bothered to ask about. He’d just wanted to end this and put it all behind them, but she just seemed to be getting worse.

"I need you to." She mumbled into his chest.

That really made him feel like shit.

“Honey, this is important." He pulled back just enough to tilt her chin up, forcing her to look at him. Her mascara was starting to smudge. 

“More important than me?”  

He slumped.  

“No. But I’m doing this for you, and for us. The sooner I find out what Waller is up to the sooner I can get rid of her and we don’t have to worry about her anymore. You think I wanna be out there when I could be in here with you? You’re all warm and naked and smell like… whatever the hell that is. Strawberries and trouble.” 

A wet, hiccupping laugh escaped her. “It’s my new bath bomb. Cherry-champagne.” 

He gave her a look.  

“You said it was just bubbles.”  

“I know, but I thought you’d like the cherry.” She hugged him sadly.

He shook his head. 

“Well, still sounds better than some rat-infested chop shop.” He wiped a tear from her cheek with his thumb. “I’ll be quick. In and out. If you're asleep I'll wake you up when I get back.” 

“Promise?” she whispered, her voice small. 

He sighed.

“I promise. Now can you please stop crying? You're killin' me here.” He gave her a soft, lingering kiss. “Now go get in that bath before it gets cold and just relax, would ya?” 

He huffed and scratched the back of his head.  

“Have the fucking fleabags sit in there with you if you must, but don’t let them on the bed.”  

“Okay,” Harley murmured and looked up at him.

Joker was taken back by the way she was staring at him, like her world was ending 'cause he was leaving.  

He squeezed her again frowning and pressed a kiss to her forehead, then turned her gently and gave her a light pat on the backside to propel her toward the hall.

Harley went, dragging her feet all depressed though, the towel slipping a little. He watched her until she disappeared into the bedroom, then he ran a hand over his face and stared at the floor glumly for a minute before he hardened back into his familiar, sharp-edged mask.

He went downstairs and grabbed his gun holster from the kitchen and shrugged into it, then he put on his purple coat.  

By the time he walked out the front door Jonny was already waiting in the driveway. He slid into the passenger seat without a word and stared out the window. 

“Everything alright, Boss?” Jonny asked, noticing his mood, turning the car around. 

“Peachy,” Joker replied, his tone leaving no room for further inquiry. “Tell me about this chop shop.” 

Chapter Text

The drive to the Bowery was quiet.

Jonny kept one hand on the wheel and his eyes fixed on the road, but he would still glance over at Joker every now and again.

The boss hadn’t said a word since he’d finished giving him the backstory on the chop shop. That the place was actually owned by Daniel Croft’s cousin, Trey Peters, an army vet just like Croft.

Trey had been a motor pool mechanic dishonorably discharged for fighting and assaulting a superior officer, as well as stealing and smuggling vehicle parts and selling them on the side. It was no surprise that he made most of his money on the outside picking apart stolen vehicles now. Gears and Grinds ran as a custom tuning garage for muscle cars, bikes, and demolition derby rigs during the day. Word around town was that Croft had been working and staying there after losing his house a couple of months ago when he abruptly quit his job. Jonny just hoped they could get the file and kill this guy, or whatever Joker planned to do with him, that way they could get back to finding Waller and kill her, then maybe things could get back to regular business – or as regular as it got when Joker was your boss.

“You didn’t answer me earlier.”

“About what?” Jonny looked over as they crossed the bridge.

Joker turned his head with that slow, deliberate calm that always made Jonny feel like he was standing at the edge of a cliff.

“Ivy.”

“Boss, I really don’t think now’s—”

“Are you fuckin’ her or not, Jon?” He snapped.

Jonny sighed.

“It’s complicated...but I’m with you, J, always. You know that.”

“Yeah, you keep saying that,” Joker glared, eyes creasing at the edges. “And honestly, I don’t give a damn about your love life, but when it starts involving my enemies, it does start involving me.”

“You know I would never tell her anything that has to do with you or the business, J. I just wouldn’t. We don’t talk about it.”

“Well, I hope not, Jonny, because I’ve come to rely on you.” Joker shook his head, as if he hated that. “...I’ve come to rely on a lot of people, it seems.”

“Yeah, well, we’re only human, J. It happens.”

“So I keep fucking being reminded,” Joker replied, with a dry little laugh.

Jonny glanced over at him.

“I really thought you knew already.”

“No. I told you, I don’t give a damn about your love life. I got enough problems in my own. It ain’t my business, and you never talk about it. You can thank Harley for spilling your secret, and your eagerness to escort the biggest saboteur in my relationship home for the evening.”

“I ain’t got nothin’ to do with that either.”

Joker gave him a screwed up smile.

“Well, then I guess we’re just all under the same kind of fucking spell, aren’t we? You, me, Pandy, and his fucking seven kids.” Joker went back to staring out the window.

“Maybe...but I can’t help it anymore than you can with Harley.” Jonny replied.

“God,” Joker groaned and knocked his head against the glass, letting it settle there while he rubbed a hand over his face.

Nothing else was said.

They rolled into the alley behind Gears and Grinds ten minutes later.

Panda was already there in the van, waiting, parked with the engine off.

Jonny pulled up behind the van and Panda stepped out in costume, smoking a cigarette. Joker rolled down his window when he came over, a tired grin tugging at his mouth. “Hey, our fuzzy little watchdog. Whatdya got?”

Panda leaned against the door with the panda head tucked under his arm. “Place is empty, boss. No crew. No Trey. Just one man moving around upstairs—Croft.”

Jonny frowned. “You haven’t seen anyone else?”

“Nope. Been watchin’ almost two hours. Nothin’ but him.”

Jonny looked at Joker.

“Feels like a setup, J.”

Joker tilted his head.

“Mmm. Well, isn’t that sweet. Sets the table, lights the candle, waits for me to show up. Obviously he’s got a death wish.” He pushed his door open, stepping out into the night air with his crowbar. “Sounds like fun. You pussies coming or not?”

Jonny got out and fell in step with Panda behind him as the three crossed the cracked pavement towards the back door of the garage, streetlights buzzing overhead.

Joker stopped next to the door, holding up his crowbar. He rapped it against the metal in three distinguished knocks. Silence stretched as Jonny readied his gun, and Panda slipped the panda head on, raising his machine gun to. They heard footsteps on the other side, then the scrape of a lock before the door popped open.

Daniel Croft stood on the other side alone, but instead of running or looking scared, he was calm as could be.

“There you are,” he said, as if Joker was an old friend come to visit. “I was wondering when you’d show up.”

Joker raised an eyebrow, his grin spreading wide, teeth flashing in the glow.

“Didn’t I tell you guys this was gonna be fun?” Joker told Panda and Jonny, never taking his eyes off Croft. “Bag him.”

He didn't fight while Panda and Jonny sprang into action, with Jonny shoving a black hood over his face, then zip-tying Croft's hands behind his back.

“Let’s go for a little ride, shall we?” Joker asked, then belted Croft upside the head with his crowbar, knocking him out.

XxX

The stench of rotting meat and distant voices echoing off tile and concrete roused Croft awake.

His head was pounding, but there was no longer a hood over it.

Hooks hung above his head, rusty and sharp, covered in dried blood and old bits of meat and fat, while a single bulb swung from the ceiling, lighting up bloodstains on the dirty floor of the old meat market.

His wrists were zip-tied behind a chair now, and his ankles were also bound tight to the legs. He waited patiently as footsteps neared.

“Well, well, well. If I’d known I was expected, I would have brought my gold gun,” Joker said, coming to stand in front of Croft, arms crossed, no longer wearing his purple jacket, just his black slacks and a pair of boots.

Jonny and Panda stood by the door while he gave Croft a long once over.

“So, tell me then, Rambo, if you knew I was coming, why no weapon? You didn’t even want to try to even the odds?”

Croft shook his head. “Didn’t need one.”

“Yeah. You just figured you’d talk me to death, is that it?" Joker laughed and circled him slowly. "Well, look. It’s late. I’m tired. I’m gonna skip the theatrics because my murder card is already full today. So just tell me where the fuck my file is, and maybe I’ll make this quick like your buddy Jerry earlier.”

Croft sat up as straight as the bindings allow.

He was wiry, and square-shouldered, pale, blonde, with a military haircut. His eyes steady, but hollowed by years of lousy sleep and whatever chip was on his shoulder.

“Oh, and where’s cousin Trey, hmm? Where were all the little worker bees? That place was dead. Business that bad?”

“They were gone for the night,” Croft answered. “My niece’s birthday party. Everybody’s family around there.”

Joker smirked. “Aww, except you? Are you the black sheep, Croft? Is that it? You just wanted some attention?”

“No. I just wanted to be alone, but I figured you’d show up. I heard you were back in Gotham.”

Joker’s jaw clenched.

“And why in the hell would you want to cross someone like me?”

“Wasn’t trying to cross you. Just wanted your attention.”

“Okay, well you got my attention, but you’re boring me already, not to mention, you’re making me miss a bubble bath, so what makes you think I want to hear your sob story when I should just cram your fucking teeth down your throat?”

Croft shook his head.

 “Because, we have something in common, Joker.”

Joker snorted.

“And just what the fuck might that be?”

“We both want Amanda Waller dead.”

Joker tilted his head, studying him for a moment.

“Yeah. She really screwed you over, huh? Demoted you to cashier. Now you want revenge. I get it. She’s a real cunt, but what’s it got to do with me?”

“It’s not about the job. It’s why she did it. She’s building a metahuman army," Croft replied.

Joker pounded the crowbar louder against the wall, getting impatient.

“Still not seeing how this involves me,” he half sang.

Croft glared back. “Don’t you? After what she did to Harley?”

The crowbar smashed into his nose immediately, breaking it, making blood spill down his face,

“Okay, look.” Joker ran his hand through his hair. “You wanna finish your little speech? You won’t bring up my girlfriend again.”

“Fine,” Croft hissed. “But Waller is using people like your girlfriend. She’s power-hungry. Using Superman’s death to fuel her project.”

“Yeah, yeah, more bad guy stuff.” Joker waved his hand, uninterested. “But what’s in the file?”

Croft blinked.

“You think it’s about you.”

“That’s what everyone wants me to think. And I wouldn’t be here otherwise. So...is it?”

Croft shook his head no.

 “No, you’re barely in it. The secrets are all hers – Waller's, I mean.”

Joker let out a slow chuckle that turned into a growl while his hand tightened around the crowbar and he gritted his teeth

“So, let me just get this straight. You lured me out here, for a story I don’t give a fuck about, mind you, under the guise of a file you lied about?”

“I told you, I needed to talk to you,” Croft said.

Joker backhanded the crowbar across his face.

“Do I look like a hitman, Croft?! Do I look like a fucking hero to you?! Saving simps from jumping off buildings?”

“No...” Croft spit blood. “But you are the Joker. You’ll do what has to be done. You think any of those supes would kill her? If anything, they’re working with her.”

“Wow.” Joker shook his head. “You really are a fucking idiot, aren’t you? You did all this - sending me on a scavenger hunt...but guess what?” Joker leaned in again. “I was gonna kill that fucking bitch anyway. You know why? Not because she’s building an army, but because she took what’s mine, and she doesn’t know her place. Just like you. Wasting my time with this bullshit.” He smacked Croft across the face again, harder this time, splitting open his cheek.

He shoved the end of the crowbar into his shoulder and twisted it. Croft grunted, panting heavily, but he didn’t scream or beg.

 “Exactly!” He exclaimed, instead. “And that’s why I chose you. Because you’re the only one crazy enough to see it through, and now you understand.”

Joker hissed and ripped the crowbar out of his shoulder. He straddled his lap suddenly, pressing the bar into his windpipe just shy of crushing it. “Understand what, Danny?” He asked, smiling while Croft’s eyes bulged. He stared straight into them while he choked. “That I’m about to put this old place back to good use? Send your family a side of beef that’ll have them licking their fingers? If they only knew.”

Croft gasped, heaving in deep breaths when Joker finally let up a little upon seeing he was about to pass out.

“No. What...it’s like,” he rasped, “to lose the…the person you love.”

Joker gripped him by the hair and yanked his head back, settling the end of the crowbar against his adam’s apple.

“Oh, I see. Is that what really happened? Waller hijacked your girlfriend for her little sideshow to? And now you think we’re what? Band of fucking Brothers?!”

“No. She was my fiancée,” Croft replied, not quite able to keep the tremor out of his voice . “And it wasn’t Waller.” His throat bobbed under the crowbar. “Her name was Emily, and we were supposed to leave Metropolis that day Superman and Zod leveled half the city, but instead, she got trapped under the rubble—spine crushed, lungs collapsed. I found her, and she suffocated in my arms. Now Waller wants to build an army of these freaks and thinks she can control them. Put bombs in them. Force them to do what she wants. Sound familiar? You think she won’t try to take your girlfriend again?" He laughed. "She only cares about power and making herself look good. But at least you got your girlfriend back. I’ll never get Emily back. The file has everything you need to destroy her. I’m trying to help you.”

Joker narrowed his eyes and let go of his hair, getting up.

“No, you’re trying to use me to get revenge for you. Are you that big of a cunt you can’t get it yourself? You managed to do all this.”

Croft chuckled again, but it was a miserable.

“No…no, because I got nothing left, you see, that’s why. Maybe that does make me a cunt. But you need people – muscle, just like you have to be able to do this. I burned all my bridges because I couldn’t figure out how to live without her. But if Waller gets it her way, she’ll show up at your door with her little Suicide Squad next time, and then that crowbar ain’t gonna be able to stop her, Joker.”

Joker’s nostril’s flared.

“That’s what you don’t get, Danny. I’m counting on her coming for me. That’s how I get to show her what happens when you play with fire. But I see you are conveniently leaving out the plot hole in your little story. You keep talking about Waller like you don’t know that she’s been missing for the past two weeks.”

Croft knitted his brow.

“What do you mean?”

Joker giggled.

“Yeah, see, isn’t it funny how you were able to steal a file from a government black site, put it up for sale on the black market, then get me to your door step, and yet you don’t know your target is missing?”

“No, I didn’t know,” Croft replied, in what seemed to be genuine confusion. “Last I heard, she was in DC.”

“She was, and then she vanished, kind of like my patience right now, unless you tell me where the fuck she is, and where the goddamn file is at,” Joker snarled.

“I don’t know where she is.” Croft shook his head. “But just because she’s missing doesn’t mean she’s dead. There’s a million places she could be, and that’s all in the file. It doesn’t change anything. Even if she was dead, someone else will take her place. There’s still a threat.”

“Yeah, and that’s also where our plans diverge, good buddy. You want to fight a losing battle. I just want her dead. I don’t give a rat’s ass about the rest. Because there’s always gonna be another bad guy, Croft. This world, and especially this city are full of them. I should know. You really think taking out Waller is gonna stop them from doing what they want? You can’t be that naïve.”

Croft shook his head, solemnly.

“No, you're right. I know it won’t stop them. I’m not stupid. It know it won’t bring Emily back, either.” He stared off for a second. “But it’s all I have left. Don't you see?"

“Jesus.” Joker sighed and stared at him.

He wanted to make more jokes. Talk about how pathetic that was and how pathetic Croft was, but the hollow look on the guys face reminded him too much of himself while Harley was missing, and yeah, he did know all too well what Croft was going through. He couldn't believe it, but he actually felt bad for the guy.

Croft hung his head

“Look, just tell me where the file is,” he said. “She’s gonna die either way, and so are you.”

“I don’t care if I die.”

“Yeah, I can see that, which makes this no longer fun, just irritating.”

“I just want her gone.”

“Then tell me where the file is and you'll get your wish, but not because you asked for it, because she was dead the moment she took my girlfriend."

Croft nodded and looked back up, and Joker hissed when could see a tear sliding down his cheek.

“It’s with the auctioneer. They’re set up at an old cannery past Black Creek. Security’s airtight. Only way to get in is with an invite, and even then, you get searched like you’re radioactive. The file isn’t the only thing up for grabs. Some real nasty people are gonna be there."

Joker raised an eyebrow.

“An auction for the city’s filthiest, and I wasn’t invited? And here I was gonna bring a casserole.”

“What you need to bring is fire power,” Croft said. “A lot of it. The file is in lot sixteen, red tag. Sealed in a case—military, triple-layered, coded, thumbprint, the works. Explosive fail-safe in the lining. Even if someone wins the bid, they can’t open it without the right print and code.”

Joker cracked his neck.

“And I assume you know the code and it’s your fingerprint.”

“Yeah.”

 He crouched, getting right in Croft’s ruined face again.

“Do you have any idea what I’m gonna do to you if this is a setup?”

“It’s not,” Croft said, looking him in the eye.

Joker gave a half grin, but his eyes were cold, like he might change his mind at any second and cut his throat.

“Okay, then,” he stood back up and looked at Panda and Jonny. “Our friend here gets a field trip for the time being. You know the spot in the Narrows, Pandy. Keep him breathing - at least until I find out whether or not he’s lying.”

Panda and Jonny came over and hauled Croft up from the chair again, then hrew the bag back over his head.

Joker spun, grabbing his purple jacket off a rusty hook, sliding it on like a second skin.

Rain fell in thick sheets outside, turning the alley into a river of grime as Panda and Jonny sloshed through it and shoved Croft into the back of the panda van, slamming the door.

Joker tapped on Panda’s window once he was behind the wheel.

“Make sure you aren’t followed. Tell Babyface he’s on babysitting duty until further notice.”

“Will do, boss," Panda said.

Joker nodded.

“And then get some sleep. Gonna be a long day tomorrow.”

“Yes sir.” He rolled the window back up.

Joker was drenched as he and Jonny got back in the SUV.

“So, you think he’s telling the truth, boss?” Jonny asked, once they got back on the road.

Joker ran his tongue over the metal grill of his teeth, silently fuming he was caught in a tangled web like this, and that some broken fucking nobody had been pulling his strings.

“Doesn’t really matter, does it?” Joker asked, staring out the window again. “Either way, I’ve gotta get my hands on that file to make sure. No way I’m waiting until auction night. We’ll take the fucking thing tomorrow and let off a few fireworks in the process, so gather the boys.”

“I’ll make the calls.”

XxX

It was a little after midnight when they arrived back at the house.

Jonny went to go crash in the garage which is where he ended up a lot of nights with the other guys on graveyard shift. Meanwhile, Joker poked through the front door of the house with the night air and the scent of rain still clinging to his coat.

He was still restless and keyed up from what happened with Croft. It didn’t help when Bud and Lou came padding out from the dark living room as he shut the door either. He shook his head at them, not even wanting to know what they’d been up to while they were out of their cage. It was too late to make a fuss about it, and he found himself not caring all that much in light of everything else on his mind. So, he just stared at them, curious why neither were making a sound. There were no excited yips, no throat-rattling laughter. Just silence.

Eventually, Bud got brave enough and nosed his pant leg while he took off his coat, and then Lou pawed once at his shin.

“What? Don’t tell me you two fleabags are hungry again already?” He asked them.

They both turned and trotted off back towards the living room. He watched them go, tilting his head, getting the feeling they wanted him to follow. He kicked off his boots first and then found out why.

Peering over the back of the couch, he saw Harley there sprawled out asleep, with the ceiling fan blasting, and the tv was on but the volume was muted. One of her arms was slung above her head, and the other was draped over her stomach. She was wearing one of his black button up shirts that was half open, and her breasts were hanging out, with the blankets twisted around her waist like she’d tried to wait up for him but sleep finally won out. His body stirred awake at the sight, but it was more than just arousal.

Her name was Emily.

You know what it’s like to lose someone you love.

At least you got your girlfriend back. I’ll never get Emily back.

Joker ran a hand through his damp hair.

That part of Croft’s story had gotten to him.

The way the guy decided he had nothing left to live for because his girl was gone. That’s also how he felt everyday Harley was missing.

Seeing Croft like that was almost like seeing what could've happened to him if he hadn’t gotten her back, and it also reiterated something he was still coming to terms with – that he to was just another guy who’d loved a girl at the end of the day now, and would do anything for her.

He sighed and rounded the couch, stepping between Bud and Lou who were acting as her sentries, it seemed, and reached out to brush her hair back from her face gently, waiting for her to wake up, but she was out cold.

He observed her after that, feeling something between wanting to get in his car and drive off and never come back, and then wanting to wake her up and tell her how sorry he was again for everything, and how much he actually loved her and needed her.

Because truthfully, he didn’t know what the hell he would have done if he’d never gotten her back and lost her for good like Croft lost his girlfriend. Though surely it would have been something more destructive than stealing a file. Probably some dramatic episode involving Batsy and the whole city. And then if he hadn’t died from that, he would have gone back to what he was before he met her - an empty shell.

Not that he knew any better who the hell he was with her either, especially now - murdering people by day, then coming home to her half naked waiting up for him at night, pets tearing up his house...which according to Pandy led to other things that just seemed ridiculous and impossible for him.

Kids?

At the penthouse, before he’d found Harley, he’d gone through her things and there were some baby clothes hidden in the closet. That had to mean she’d already been thinking about it, right? Why else would she have them? And if so, for how long? And was she crazy?

She wanted to have fucking kids with him?

Joker snorted softly.

Who was he kidding?

Of course she did.

She was in love and obsessed with him to a dizzying degree, and she thought they could be normal enough to do something like that. She always thought the very best about them, and about him. He didn’t understand it, but there was no talking her out of it, and there was no unloving her on his end, apparently, so it was hard to tell what was gonna happen. He didn't even wanna think about it.

He stared at her and gave a small sigh, debating whether to just pull the blanket over her and leave her there on the couch. She looked so damn peaceful, but he knew she’d be mad if he ditched her after promising to wake her up.

He leaned in and brushed her cheek with his knuckles before letting his hand wander down between the loose edges of the shirt instead, skimming the curve of her breast, tracing the bare strip of skin until he found the smooth line of her thigh, waiting for her to stir, but she didn’t.

Her leg twitched a little when his fingers grazed her hipbone. He smirked finding she was commando again.

There wasn’t a doubt in his mind she had done it and dressed like this just to jump him when he came home, because she was always trying to get in his pants.

He nudged Lou aside and crawled onto the couch near her feet, careful not to wake her as he eased the blanket down, wanting to keep her asleep just a little longer.

His palm slid up her leg before he bent low, lips brushing her knee while he watched her face pressing light kisses, higher and higher, over the soft curves of her thighs, until she stirred again with a low groan and stretched.

Joker backed off until she went still again, then he raised her shirt up higher, baring more skin.

She smelled faintly of cherry from that bath bomb she talked about earlier - cherry champagne or something, and she moaned softly as his mouth crept closer to where it was headed, mumbling his name in her sleep when he pushed her knees apart further.

His gaze darkened in response to that, heat curling low in his gut, knowing she was dreaming about him to now. His grin grew more arrogant, and he lowered himself between her thighs, tongue starting to tease her slowly, drawing out the first few restless rolls of her hips.

Harley’s hands clenched unconsciously in the blanket in response, legs parting wider on instinct. Joker cupped the backs of her thighs and held them while he started to work her with his mouth, extracting little whimpers that stacked his own arousal. It didn't take long until she was moving again, hips rocking up, desperate in her sleep. He snickered when she said his name a second time, and tested a finger inside her, finding her slick from what he’d been doing already.

He pressed more kisses up her thighs, wondering if he could make her come like this—still asleep. It almost happened, but then he got a little too greedy and her lashes fluttered open.

Harley rose on her elbow and looked down.

“Joker?”

Joker arched a brow.

“You expectin’ somebody else to be givin' you head at one in the morning on my couch?”

She smiled and chuckled softly.

“Mm, no, baby,” she said, sleepily. “I was waiting for you. I must’ve dozed off…oh god...”

She was cut off by him dragging her closer now that she was awake, sliding his mouth back into place.

Harley frowned and shifted, as the dreamy haze she’d been in became the full sensation.

A prickle of heat flushed up her neck, and her hands slid slowly down into his hair, knees bending.

“J…” She groaned, and sank back into the pillows lazily, curling her fingers in his hair.

Joker slowed and decided to take his time. He slid his free hand up to knead and massage her breasts. Harley groaned some more.

“You were dreamin’ about me,” he said, after a few minutes, fingers still thrusting inside her.

Her body twisted and she covered his hand with hers that was squeezing her nipple.

 “Could hear you whimperin’ my name, doll. You sounded desperate. This what you were dreamin’ about?"

He gave a slow swirl of his tongue and a hungry suck. She clenched her jaw, eyes closing as she arched. “Mm, yeah, it was, actually.”

“So..." Joker smirked. "You think about what daddy does to you even in your sleep, huh? Bet you wake up wet every time, don't ya?”

She grinned and rolled her hips. “Maybe I do. So what?” She pulled him closer, lips parting as he sucked her clit.

“Nothin’, just good to know even in your dreams, I’m still reminding you who you belong to,” Joker said.

“It ain’t like I’d forget," Harley replied

“No, ‘cause you know better, don’t you?”

She smirked.

“Hmm, I dunno, Mistah J. Now that you mention it, maybe I could use a reminder.”

“Yeah? Well you’re gonna get one, baby.”

“Promises, promises.” Harley brushed her fingers across the back of his neck affectionately.

He grinned and finished her off with no mercy after that, tongue and fingers working in rhythm until she buckled with a cry, trembling under his grip. He felt her clench hard around his fingers, soaking them as her hips grinded wildly against his mouth. He didn’t move, just let her use him to ride out the last of the tremors while he watched, looking far too pleased with himself. Only when her breathing started to slow did he finally drag his mouth away, grin sharp and wolfish.

Joker raised his head, lips and chin glistening before he wiped them with the back of his arm and kissed back up her body with a purr, staring down at her once she was caged underneath him.

“Told you I’d wake you up,” he said, kissing her slack lips.

Harley's gaze was still heavy as she reached for him. “Can I get that on alarm everyday?” She asked, smiling and pulling him down.

Joker chuckled into her ear and nuzzled it. “Maybe, if you’re good for once.”

“I’m as good as an angel,” Harley declared, holding him close while they kissed and he laughed against her lips.

“Honey, you ain’t been good since the day you met me.”

“And whose fault is that?”

“You knew what you were signing up for.”

He went on to kissing her neck. She closed her eyes and just laid there for a minute before slipped her hand down between them to unbuckle his pants, her feet coming up smoothly on either side of him after, toes hooking in the waistband of his pants and boxers, dragging them down his legs. He gave a quiet snort and stared down at her. “You just can’t wait to get my dick inside you, can you?”

She chuckled back.

“You seem pretty eager yourself there slick. Why are you all wet, by the way?”

“It was raining.”

“What happened with the file?”

He grunted and slid inside her.

“What file?”

Harley rolled her eyes, but she supposed now was not the time to talk about it anyway.

She hugged him close as he started thrusting, kissing his jaw and the side of his face softly, sliding her legs over the backs of his thighs. She ran her hands over his back. His movements stayed slow and deep, despite the look in his eye that said he wanted to do the opposite. He slid his hand up into the back of her hair and cradled her head while he grinded into her, holding her close. Harley rested her chin on his shoulder.

 “God you feel good,” she mumbled.

Joker smirked and nuzzled into her ear again, nibbling the lobe, below it, all the places he knew drove her crazy even if it didn't take much.

She shivered and dug her heels into his ass, every roll of his hips getting heavier than the last.

He mumbled something low against her skin. His groans started filling her ear while he clutched her and buried his face in the curve of her neck, breath hot and ragged. Harley wrapped her arms tighter around him until they were basically one body moving in sync, building and building, until her nails dug into his back and shoulder, and her whole body tensed, thighs clamping tight around his waist, shuddering in his grip, getting lost in the rush he’d dragged out of her.

Joker followed shortly after, and slumped for a moment in her arms, barely holding himself up. She tried to keep him there, but he pulled away and sat up at the end of the couch as they both caught their breaths. She stretched her feet across his lap. J

“You okay?” She asked after a few minutes, rubbing his arm.

“Yeah, why?” Joker frowned.

She shrugged.

“You’re just gonna make love to me like that and pull away and go all quiet?”

He chuckled.

“I’m just tired, baby.”

Harley studied him, figuring he probably was, but that wasn’t all of it, she could tell.

“No.” She shook her head. “You’re doing that thing again.”

“Jesus…what thing?” Joker sighed.

“Where you come home all wound up Get all distant, and then you stay up all night thinking yourself sick.”

“Harley.” Joker closed his eyes. “How can you say I’m distant after that?”

“Because I’ve learned to master your moods. Just talk to me, baby. What happened?”

“Nothing happened."

“You’re a terrible liar.”

“It ain’t yours to worry about. I’m handling it," Joker replied.

“By bottling it up?"

“I’m not. I said I’m handling it.”

“Then why can’t you just tell me? I already know about the file and that you went to interrogate some guy and probably killed him. What’s the big secret?”

“I didn’t kill him," Joker said.

“Why not?”

He glared at her.

“Because I still need him.”

“Why?”

He shook his head and then the glare settled back on his face.

“Because he fucking set me up that’s why.”

Harley blinked, raising her eyebrows. She frowned and rubbed her foot against his stomach.

“Well, how so?”

Joker gave a screwed up smile.

“Well, first thing, this mother fucker wanted to recruit me...or something, to kill Waller for him. Like I’m some kind of fucking hitman or something. All that trouble, all that fucking run around for something I was gonna do anyway.”

Harley knitted her brows.

“Why did he want you to do that for?”

Joker rolled his eyes.

“I don’t know. Because he said he lost someone. Some fiancée, I guess…said Superman and Zod crushed her in Metropolis, spent the last few years breaking apart, just waiting for a reason to die. He thought I'd help him because of what Waller did to you. Said I'd understand her having an army of metahumans wouldn't be good for anyone and she has to be stopped. Claims he lied about the file being all about me to get my attention so we could talk.”

“Aww, that’s terrible about his fiancé," Harley said.

Joker scrunched his face.

“I don’t give a shit about his fiancé.” He glared. "These people are goddamn morons.”

Harley smirked a little.

“Well, do you believe him?”

“I don’t know," Joker gave another irritated shake of his head.

“So there isn’t a file?”

“He says there is, but it’s full of Waller’s dirty secrets, not mine.”

“Oh.” She slumped, a little disappointed.

“Really?” Joker gave her a look.

“What?” She smiled a little. “I was hoping to read that. Maybe it had cute baby pictures of you in it.”

“I doubt that.”

“You never know….did you get it?”

“No, because this fucking dick hole actually did sell it to a black market auction house, so now I have to get it from them.”

Harley giggled, finding it funny to listen to him bitch when it wasn't directed at other people.

“Well, you want me to kill them all and steal it for ya, baby? ‘Cause I will," she said.

A smile twitched onto his lips.

“No, honey, as much as I would like to see that, I don’t want you anywhere near this until it’s all over.” Joker ran a hand through his messy hair. “I’m sorry I had to leave.”

A grin slowly lit up her face.

“Aww, Puddin’. That’s twice in two days you’re apologizing. Look at you —all human and shit.”

She laughed nasally. He looked at her flatly.

“Mm, that’s okay, baby. Me and the babies just took a bath and watched tv while you were gone.”

“You took a bath with two hyenas?” Joker gave her a weird look.

“No, I took one and then them after because we couldn’t all fit in the tub, but I did try. Now they smell like cherries and conditioner instead of kennel and meat.”

He shook his head.

“You’re insane, Harley.”

“Why? They needed a bath so you'd stop calling them fleabags.” She poked him playfully in the ribs with her toe, making him squirm.

“Stop. They are still fleabags.” He said, and pushed her foot away.

“Or what? You’ll apologize again?” She teased and kept doing it.

“You’re annoying,” he said, but there was no bite to it.

“Oh yeah? Hows come you can’t stay away from me then?”

“Because your like a fungus that keeps coming back.” Joker smirked.

“Aww, thank you.”

She grinned and poked him some more with her toe, this time just under his ribs, drawing a smile, but also a half-hearted growl from him to cover it up.

“Harley. Would you stop?” He grabbed her foot, frowning. 

“Joker.” She wiggled her toes in his hand. “You know, if you want, you can rub my feet while you’re down there,” she suggested.

He laughed.

“Uh, no. Ain’t that why I pay for your fucking thousand dollar trips to the salon? Shouldn’t they be doing that?”

“Yeah, but in case you didn’t notice, I missed my last six months of appointments,” she popped her bottom lip, sadly.

He rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, heaven forbid you don’t have rhinestones on your acrylics. I guess you better make one then, hadn’t you?”

“Thanks, I would, but you don’t want me going anywhere, so…”

He hissed.

“Yeah, just fucking make it. ’ll make sure that you get there.” He shook his head.

“Okay,” she squeed, happily.

He chuckled at her and narrowed his eyes.

“You just get whatever the fuck you want, don’t you?” He asked, dropping his thumb to the perfect arch of her foot, rubbing it in a bruising grip. She grinned and melted into the pillows.

“Yeah, I do, ‘cause you want me to have it, even though you fucking grumble about everything.”

“No, it’s because you’re a spoiled brat and I don’t wanna hear you whine about it.”

“Sure, ‘Puddin’. Sure. And who spoilt me in the first place?”

“I just wanted you out of my hair.” Joker muttered, driving his thumbs into her sole.

She smiled.

“Sure ya did.”

He muttered something, but still continued, despite his bitching. A lazy grin pulled at Harley’s mouth, and then she let out a contented little sigh and closed her eyes.

Joker shook his head at how she just laid there naked, except for his shirt still on her arms and pooled at her sides, all stretched out like she was a queen and he was her servant.

“Are you comfortable?” He asked.

“Yeah, I am. If I’d known you were this good at this, I would’ve saved you some money and just had you do it.”

He laughed dryly.

“Yeah, well, I wouldn’t get used to it if I were you, sweetheart. These hands are made for killin’, not pampering your pretty pink toes.”

“Aww, but you got that perfect grip,” she said, dreamily.

“Yeah, from strangling people, princess.”

“Mmph, don’t make no difference to me how it got that way, I’m just reaping the benefits here…and I am your princess. You ever think of that, handsome?”

“If so, this is one twisted fucking fairytale,” Joker said.

She shrugged. “Better than a boring one.”

“You say that now. Wait till you see the ending.”

“I don’t care how it ends. I just like the part where you’re in it. And you don’t know the ending, Mr. Doom and Gloom.”

“I’m just being realistic.”

“No, you’re just waiting for the worst so when something bad happens you can say you were right. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

“Jesus. Doctor Quinzel, I presume.” Joker glared and squeezed the ball of her foot in his hand.

“Just sayin’.”

“Well, I’m just saying. I don’t want no therapy tonight, doctor.”

“Fine, grouch. You wanna cuddle with me instead?”

Joker shrugged. “Depends. What are you watching here?”

“48 hours.”

He looked at the tv, then went quiet for a minute.

“…fine, but if it’s more suburban housewives after insurance money, I’m out.”

She laughed.

“No, that’s a different show.” She flicked on the volume.

Joker finished her feet and then pulled his boxers back on.

He came to lay with her, and gave her a soft kiss before hooking his arm around her waist and settling behind her, sliding his other arm between her neck and the pillows as she cuddled back into his chest. Harley pulled the blanket up over them and wiggled, nestling against him until she could feel the steady thud of his heart against her back. Joker tangled his leg in hers and his arm tightened around her stomach, dragging her closer if possible. Her whole body went warm and relaxed. She laid her hand over his arm that was tucked around her, and Joker buried his nose in her hair.

“I love you,” he mumbled.

A soft smile spread across her lips as she squeezed his arm.

“I love you to, baby. So much.” She slid the blanket up further.

They watched tv and fell asleep to the sound of murder confessions.

Chapter Text

I hope this turned out alright lol. Kinda fluffy, but you know.

The next afternoon, Joker sat on the bed texting Jonny about their plan to steal the file later that night.  

He was about to wake Harley up, since she’d been asleep all morning and afternoon. Meanwhile, he’d barely managed three hours himself before jumping back into work. 

 He’d already come and gone from the house, prepping for the heist, so he’d been surprised to find her still out when he returned. But then,  he knew she wasn’t sleeping well because of her nightmares, and he got the chance to see just how bad it was finally when she suddenly sprang up all on her own—chest heaving, eyes wide and full of panic. 

Joker watched her curiously for a moment, since it looked as if she was having an anxiety attack. He frowned and reached out to touch her arm. 

“Hey, you okay?”  

“Joker?” Her head snapped in his direction.  

She sighed in relief seeing him there, but then her face crumpled again. 

“Joker,” she whimpered, bottom lip quivering, on the verge of tears. 

“I’m right here, baby. C’mere.” Joker sighed, pulling her to him.  

She started sobbing and he wrapped her up tight in a hug. 

“Just breathe, baby,” he said, because she hysterical. 

She shook in his grip, worse than the night before when he’d left to go interrogate Croft.  

“I thought—” Her voice broke. “It always feels so real…” 

“Well, it ain’t. So, just relax. This is just your head tryna screw with you, doll. Surely, I don’t gotta tell you that.” 

She sniffed and curled closer. He held her and did his best to be comforting until she settled down. 

 “I ain’t goin’ nowhere, Harley. Nothin’ ain’t gonna happen to me.” 

“You don’t know that,” Harley croaked, “and it scares me one day I’m gonna wake up and it’ll be real.” 

“It ain’t gonna be real,” Joker said, softly. 

“You don’t know that.”  

She slumped against him.  

He huffed softly and rolled his eyes, then frowned and tilted her chin up, wiping her cheeks, staring into her big baby blues.  

For a moment, he didn’t say anything, because he had planned to ask her about Belle Reve when she got up, but he didn’t know she was gonna be spazzing already. Part of him was nervous to ask to, because it’d mean he’d have to face how badly he’d failed her if more did happen to her there. Although, let’s face it, he’d been failing her pretty much their whole relationship.  

He’d been thinking about that all morning - since the cabin when things started to change between them, really.  

It was like, if he loved her like this, and they were gonna be stuck together by whatever fate, then he supposed he should probably make more of an effort.  

Not that he wasn’t trying already… but seeing her like this...he didn’t like it. And then last night... 

She used to be so confident. His little monster. Now she was falling apart...hell, they both were, if he were being honest. But they had to get back to normal somehow. It felt like the only way they were gonna be able to do that was for him to step up and be there for her in ways he hadn’t before. Like an actual boyfriend. 

It almost felt cheap for him to all of a sudden start trying now though. Even stupider that he had pushed her away so long in the first place because it had gotten them nowhere except the same place he’d been trying to avoid. 

 All he’d done is waste time and hurt her when he could’ve been doing what he wanted to do now – make them unshakeable. On such a fucking high nobody would ever dare mess with them.  

Maybe if he’d done that instead of being a coward all this time the shit with Waller wouldn’t have happened, or at least maybe she wouldn’t be having nightmares about him every night. 

 He sighed, knowing he’d just fucked so much up. 

“Harley...this does got me wonderin’, doll…” He brushed his thumb over her cheek. “Is there anything else you wanna tell me? Like maybe somethin’ else that happened to you in that hellhole you forgot to mention?” 

She went rigid in his arms, her breath catching. Joker’s eyes flickered shut. Because that was really all the answer he needed right there, wasn’t it?  

He’d wanted so badly to believe she got out with nothing worse than that bomb in her neck, but that little freeze up told him there was more to it, and he should’ve known. 

Just remembering how that idiot Griggs ran his mouth before he learned to shut it—acting like he owned the place and was hot shit, it wouldn’t surprise him if the guards down there spent their days living out sick little power trips with the inmates. If they had made Harley their target, well, they were about to have a really bad fucking day soon. 

“I ain’t talking about Waller’s little field trip, either,” he clarified. “I mean, before I broke you out. While you were in Belle Reve. Anybody lay hands on you? Hurt you?” 

She clung to him tighter, refusing to meet his eyes. He shifted, hand gentle at the nape of her neck, angling her back until he could see her face. 

“Harley. Tell me.” 

Her watery gaze met his before more tears slipped down. 

“Why, J? Why’re you asking me this now? You didn’t care before. You just told me to get over it.” She glared at him. 

Joker winced internally and shook his head.  

“No, baby, I was talking about the crash, because I’m still alive. But if somebody hurt you in there, that’s different, and you know it. I ain’t a therapist, but I have learned from you trying to shrink my head all this time maybe there’s something you need to talk about besides watching me almost die.” 

“Well, even if there is, I don’t wanna talk about it,” Harley said, then tried to pull away from him, but he wouldn’t let her go. 

“No.” Joker chuckled bitterly. “That ain’t how this works, doll and you know it.” He pulled her back. “You’re gonna tell me what happened.” 

“I just want to forget about it, Joker.” 

He let out a sigh. 

“Well, that’s too bad. Now what happened?” 

She clenched her jaw and stared off as if she was remembering, then she started to get more upset. 

“J… please,” she begged, more  tears trickling down her face. 

“Harley, just tell me happened honey and they’re dead,” Joker said. 

She twisted in his grip though, trying to get free. “It don’t matter anymore.” 

“Of course it fucking matters!” He snapped, then hissed because he told himself he was gonna stay calm. “Tell me, what they did to you.” 

Harley squirmed. “I can’t—” 

“Yes, you can. And you’re going to.”  

She shoved at him, but he held firm, gripping her wrists. 

“Harley, just stop.” He stared. “Why don’t you want to tell me?”  

She glared at him hatefully, and he glared back, but mostly he was confused. 

“They fucking locked me up in a box, okay!?” 

Joker frowned and then his eyes narrowed. 

“A box?” 

“Yeah! Some fucking hole. Weeks at a time. No light, no sound. Just me and the dark.” 

 “Why?” His expression darkened. 

“Because I kept fighting them. Trying to kill them so I could escape, but then I couldn’t stand being in there anymore, so I stopped.” She trembled. “Then they dragged me out, but only to make me… perform.” 

Disgust twisted in his gut as a vein throbbed in his neck, seething inside as he assumed the worst. 

“Perform.” He echoed. “And just what kind of performance are we talking about here?” 

Harley shook her head, swallowing.  

“Like I was a damn circus act. They said I pretended to be a clown, so they made me act like one. They laughed at me. I was so mad and humiliated, but I couldn’t do anything.” 

“Why not?” 

“Because they drugged me, Joker,” she said, brokenly. “Used shock collars. Hoses. They’d spray me down till I couldn’t breathe, shocked me until I screamed. Sometimes they just wanted to see how long before I broke. I was trying so hard to escape. Then they took everything away from my cell—electrified the bars so I couldn’t do nothin’ but sit there on the floor. I only just got some stuff back when you came.” 

Joker clenched his jaw. 

“Why the fuck wouldn’t you tell me any of this, Harley?” 

“Because,” She whimpered. “I just want it gone from my head. And I knew you’d react like this. I don’t want you lookin’ at me different.” 

“Why the fuck would I look at you different?” He knitted his brows. 

“I don’t know. Like I’m weak or something.” 

He shook his head. 

“Baby, the only ones I’m gonna be looking at different are the bastards who did this to you while I’m pulling out their fucking teeth and ripping their eyeballs from their sockets. Is there anything else?” 

“No.” She shook her head, but he could tell she was lying. 

“Don’t fucking lie to me. Why are you protecting them?” 

“I’m not!”  

 “Yes you are!” 

She sniffed and chewed her lip, slumping as she looked away again. 

“I stopped eating when I thought you weren’t coming for me,” she admitted, watching his face. 

He didn’t outwardly react, but inside that cut him, for her to think he wasn’t looking or coming for her. 

“The food was awful anyway. I didn’t even know what it was half the time. So, they strapped me down and shoved feeding tubes in, force fed me meal replacement shakes that made me sick. And then they laughed and took pictures.” 

Joker blinked. 

“What?” He screwed up his face. 

 “That’s why I said I just want to forget about all of it.” 

He took a deep breath, eyes slightly wild with anger. 

“Forget about it? Harley, people don’t get to do that shit to you and keep breathing,” he said, head swirling, not understanding how she could not want revenge for this. What the hell was wrong with her?  

“I just wanted things to go back to normal, and there was already so much going on.” 

“I don’t give a fuck what else was happening.” Joker glared. “Things like that don’t just get forgotten, they get answered with a pile of corpses.” 

He ran a shaking hand through his hair. 

“Okay, Is there anything else? Did they do anything else to you in there?” 

She looked up.  

“What do you mean?”  

“You know what the hell I mean,” he growled. “Tell me...did any of those bastards put their grimey paws all over you like that?” 

“J…”  

“Answer me, Harley.” 

“No, baby.” She frowned and cupped his cheeks, eyes locked on his. “Nothing like that. I swear on us, on you. On everything. They didn’t. I’d never keep something like that from you.” 

“But you kept everything else?” Joker asked, skeptically. 

She sighed. 

“I swear, nothing like that happened.” 

“Fine.” He rubbed a hand over his face, shaking his head. 

"Well, this is my fault. I should’ve found you sooner. I should’ve gotten you out sooner, jesus…” 

“J, don’t say that.” Harley hugged him. “You came. You rescued me twice. That’s all that matters.” 

Joker snorted, and she could feel the tension in his body. 

“I’m sorry, Harley,” he said. “I should’ve been there for you.” 

“But you were there.” She hugged his neck. 

He chuckled dryly, since that wasn’t exactly what he was talking about.  

“Yeah, but not soon enough. I looked under every rock I could, but for months there was nothing. Like you just vanished. I didn’t think I was ever gonna find you.” 

Harley pulled back and gave him a soft. 

“Yeah, but you did though, and I might be sensitive but I’m still tough, you know? I was still trying to escape right up until I got carted off to Midway City.” 

“And after that?”  

She shrugged sadly. 

“After that I thought you were dead. I didn’t see much point in escaping anymore. Maybe at some point I would’ve, but I was just really depressed.” 

Joker nodded, thinking again of how fucked up he’d been while she was gone. 

“Joker, I love you…I don’t ever want to be without you.” 

“Your not, baby, unless its by some freak accident out of my control. Just don’t worry so much.” 

She kissed and went back to hugging him.  

Harley felt like saying they should just stay in bed all day, but she knew that was unlikely to happen. 

“Do you gotta work today?” She asked. 

“Yeah,” he muttered. “Actually, I’ll probably be gone all night.” 

Her brows pinched disappointedly. “All night?” 

“Yeah.” He didn’t sound too thrilled himself. “We’re going to get the file tonight.” 

“Oh...”  

She sighed as her fingers played with the chain on his neck. “And what about me? You just gonna leave me here while you’re out havin’ all the fun?” 

A small smirk tugged at his mouth, then. 

“Uh, no, not exactly. Actually, I need you to get ready because we’re going on a date this afternoon.” 

Harley blinked, then pulled back and raised an eyebrow. 

“A date?”  

“Yeah,” Joker replied. "Since we can’t have dinner together, I figured lunch would do. I already set it all up.” 

She stared. 

 “Wait, you mean like a date, date?” 

“Yeah.” 

She tilted her head and frowned. 

"Baby..." 

“What?” Joker said, confused. He figured she’d be elated, instead she was looking at him like she didn’t trust it. “Don’t tell me you don’t want to go.” 

“No,” Harley chuckled, smirking. “Of course I want to go. It’s just that I’m always the one who has to beg you to take me on a date. I thought you hated them.” 

He gave her a weird look. “No I don’t.” 

“You don’t?” She gave him one back. 

He sighed.  

 “No…look, doll…alot of things are gonna be changing, okay?” He said, somewhat uncomfortably. “So just...whatever happened before was before. Now just go get ready so we can leave, alright?” 

She observed him for a moment. He blinked at her. 

“Okay,” she said, smiling. 

She started to get up, but then she stopped and grinned. 

“Wait…is this because you love me?” She asked, smirking. 

His face went flat. “Don’t push it, Harley.” 

She giggled and pressed a slow kiss to his cheek. 

“But you do love me though, don’t ya?” 

“You know that I do.” 

“How much?”  

He smirked tersely.  

“Apparently enough to take you on this date. Unless you wanna keep tryin’ me.” 

She smiled. 

“So where we goin’?” 

“It’s a surprise.” 

“Aww, you set up a surprise to?” She melted a little.  

“Yeah I did.”  

She puffed her bottom lip and kissed him.  

“Well what should I wear?” She straddled his lap. 

Joker smiled. 

“Anything but what the hell you’ve got on right now,” he replied, since her tits were staring him right in the face, amongst other things. 

Harley looked down at herself and then smiled flirtily. “Why? Am I distracting you, Mistah J?” 

Joker snorted.  

“You know damn well that you are,” he said, because she was still wearing the same shirt from last night of his, wide open. “Now go put on something with pants before we never get outta here.” He smacked her ass. 

She grinned and pushed him into the pillows instead and started rubbing his chest. He chuckled and grabbed her hands in his. 

“Harley, no, we don’t have time.” 

“Aww, not even for a quickie?” She whined. 

“No."  

“Well, what time do we need to be there?” She pouted. 

“Two o’clock.” 

She looked at the clock and frowned. “Joker. That’s two hours from now. We have plenty of time.”  

“No, we don’t, because it takes you two hours to get ready. So move it.” 

She sighed and pouted. 

"Fine," she said, buttoning his shirt closed finally as she got up. “I still gotta feed the babies first though.” 

“No you don’t, I did that to," Joker said.  

“You what now?” She turned around abruptly. 

“What?” Joker frowned at the look she was giving him. 

She planted a hand on her hip. 

“You fed them?” 

He shrugged. “Yeah, they were following me around this morning, so I gave them each a steak and let ‘em outside. What was I supposed to do? By the way, we'll be getting half a beef each week. Hopefully that's enough.” 

Harley shook her head. 

“After all the shit you gave me about wanting them in the first place, and now you’re feeding them and letting them out?” 

“Fine. Next time I’ll let ‘em starve then.”  He shrugged again. 

“Yeah, right.” She smiled. “You like them, don’t ya?” 

“I didn’t say that.” He scrolled through his phone. 

“Oh, yeah.” She scoffed. "I forgot, that confession only comes after like three years.” 

Joker’s eyes slanted up to her as she cackled. He got up and towered over her.  

“Why you bustin’ my balls when I’m trying to be nice to you?” 

She shrugged and giggled. “Somebody has to do it.” 

“And you think that’s you?” 

“Who else?”  

He narrowed his eyes. 

 “Just be ready to leave by one-thirty, alright? And not, ‘I still gotta do my makeup’ ready either—I mean ready to get in the car ready.” 

“Okay," she sassed, glaring. 

He did a doubletake and chuckled as he grabbed her arm. 

“Hey! Don’t give me that look.”  

She sighed and rolled her eyes. “What look?” 

“The one on your face right now. The one that says you’re gonna make us late on purpose.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she smirked—then yelped when he smacked her ass again, harder this time. 

“Ow!” She swatted him back. 

He grinned and grabbed her wrists, tugging her into his chest. 

“Don’t test me, doll.” He shook his head. “Not today. And lose the attitude, too.” He sneered before he walking off. 

Harley stuck her tongue out at his back as he left, but then she grinned to herself and headed for the closet. 

XxX 

The next two hours passed in a blink, and one-thirty rolled around faster than expected. 

Joker was already sitting in his blacked-out Lambo due to his purple one still being trashed, annoyed and texting Harley another string of question marks.  

She was supposed to be in the damn car by now, but as usual, she was late. It took another fifteen minutes before the front door finally flew open and she came bouncing out, wearing ripped-up skinny jeans, a white t-shirt with a picture of a pug printed across the front, and red Converses with black laces, scuffed and scribbled on. Gold bangles jingled at her wrists as she tugged her messy bun higher, strands of blonde spilling around her face. Her lips were glossy black, and she had a tiny glitter heart under her eye and a tall cappuccino in her hand. 

“Okay, okay! I’m here, stop sending me a hundred question marks,” she growled, sliding into the passenger seat. 

Joker slipped his phone away, giving her a slow, appreciative once-over out of the corner of his eye before starting the engine. 

“Well, only fifteen minutes late. Guess that’s the best I could’ve hoped for,” he said, tone dry. 

Harley shot him a look, then took a long, noisy sip of her coffee. “Please, I’m early by my standards.” 

“Yeah, usually it’s thirty minutes to an hour.” He pulled out of the driveway, the Lambo’s engine rumbling low as they hit the street. His purple-tinted aviators caught the sunlight. 

“Harley, if you ever showed up on time, I’d have to check to see if the world was endin’.” 

She pressed her lips together. 

“You know, I put real effort into this.” She gestured at herself, glaring. “You didn’t even say I look good.” 

“Because you look good in whatever you wear.” 

“That means you can’t say it?”  

“Jesus, okay…you look fucking gorgeous, baby, as always.” 

“Aww, thanks, Puddin’. So do you.” She smiled and rubbed his arm on the center console, fingers tracing his green button-up. Then she paused, eyeing him up and down. “Actually, you look really fucking good.” 

“Don’t get any ideas.” Joker gave her a wary side-eye. 

She smirked mischievously. 

“When did you change into this though?” she asked, even though it wasn’t so different from his usual look—black slacks, a button-up, a gun or two—but who was she kidding? He could wear a garbage bag and she’d still want to fuck him. 

“I never saw you come back upstairs, and I’m never gonna see you in jeans, am I?” 

“No, because I don’t even own jeans. And probably ‘cause you were in the bathroom with the music blaring.” 

“How else am I supposed to get ready? And yes you do, I bought you some.” 

“Well, I never saw ‘em, and I probably wouldn’t wear ‘em anyway.” 

“Figures…you gonna tell me where we’re goin’ yet?” 

“No.” 

She pouted and went back to drinking her cappuccino, still floored he was taking her on a date of his own accord. They never even would’ve had a date night if it wasn’t for her. It was strange to see him take the initiative, but it was also turning her on, and they hadn’t even gotten there yet. 

“You’re awfully quiet,” Joker said, five minutes later, glancing over when she wasn’t talking his ear off. “Do I need to be worried?” 

“No, I’m just thinking about where you’re taking me,” Harley replied, smiling. 

“Well, why don’t you let yourself be surprised.” 

“Fine.” 

She took another sip of her coffee, a sly grin curving on her lips as she reached over and started rubbing his thigh through the fabric of his slacks. 

Joker shifted and sighed gruffly. 

 “Baby, don’t start.”  

“What?” Harley giggled, her fingertips drifting higher. 

“I’m trying to get us there in one piece. Hands where I can see ‘em.” He caught her wrist before it could go any further. 

“Aww, C’mon, Puddin’,” she bit her lip, giggling, “don’t ya wanna start the date early?” She teased, although she might not have been bluffing depending on his answer. 

“I swear, you are fucking insatiable, you know that?” He gripped the wheel tighter as her hand slid up across his chest, making his stomach quiver. 

“And that’s a problem because…?” 

She leaned over and planted a big black lipstick kiss on his jaw. 

“Mmm, there. I knew you was missin’ somethin’.” She admired her work. “That’s better.” 

Joker shook his head. 

“Really?” 

“What? I’m just makin’ sure people know you’re mine.” She shrugged. 

“I think they know, Harley. The whole damn city knows by now.” 

“Good, then you’ll be fine with a couple more.” 

“No—” He tried to stop her, but he was going ninety down a two-lane road and his options were limited. 

She left another one on his neck, then one right on his cheek. 

“Mm, you look so good with my lips all over you, baby,” Harley cooed. 

Joker stared ahead flatly. “Well, I’m glad you’re having fun.” 

“I am. Would be even more fun watching you try to keep it together while I was sucking your dick.” 

His throat went dry as a hot flush crawled up his neck. 

“Harley...” He shoved her hand away from his lap again. “Why do you do this every time we get in the car? You remember what happened the last time?” 

“Yeah, but you’re all cute when you’re flustered.” She laughed evilly and grabbed his free hand, lacing their fingers together. 

He puffed out his cheeks as she slowly brought it up and licked his knuckles. 

Twenty minutes later, Joker pulled down a side street and stopped in front of a retro looking building that appeared as if it’d been ripped straight from the ’80s—neon lights humming over a faded sign that read: Skate-A-Rama: Where the Wheels Never Stop. 

He tugged at his collar once they parked, overheated now because she had not stopped fucking with him the entire drive, sucking his fingers and everything else. 

“Wait... wait, wait, wait. Is this... a roller rink?!” She sat up straighter, mouth open in shock. 

The “S” flickered, and one of the R’s was out on the sign. The whole place looked abandoned to, but she just about vibrated with excitement. 

“Puddin’! You brought me to a freakin’ roller rink?!” 

“I rented it for the afternoon,” Joker said. 

She blinked, still processing. 

“You rented me a roller rink?!” 

“Well, technically, Jonny and I threatened the owner and paid off the power bill since it was shut off, so... yeah. Consider it rented.” 

She squealed, grabbing his face and kissing him hard. “Oh my god, you are the best boyfriend ever.” 

Joker chuckled as she scrambled out of the car. “Yeah, or you’re just easy to please,” he said to himself, getting out to. 

She grabbed his hand and dragged him to the door.  

“This is gonna be so much fun!” She declared as they walked inside. 

Her jaw dropped at the wave of nostalgia that crashed over her. 

Disco lights and neon lasers cut through the fog drifting across the polished floor. Fluorescent colors glowed along the walls. A DJ booth sat in the corner, already cycling through a retro playlist. There was a snack bar. A freaking arcade. And on the counter—two pairs of custom skates: one metallic purple and green, the other red and black studded with rhinestones, both with their names etched on the sides. 

Harley’s hands flew to her mouth. “You got us custom skates?!” 

Joker slid his shades off and shrugged. “Did you wanna wear smelly old shoes? I didn’t.” 

“Oh my god, Puddin’.” She rushed over and picked one up “Aww, they got little hearts and baseball bats on them.” 

Joker smirked at how much she was freaking out. 

 She clutched his arm, overwhelmed. “Do you realize this is my childhood dream date?” 

“I had an inkling. So, what do you wanna do first?”  

She looked around, still stunned. 

“Hmm... I don’t know.” She laughed. “Do I wanna kick your ass in the arcade, or watch you bust your ass on skates—decisions, decisions.” She looped her arms around his neck, leaning up for a soft kiss. 

“Mm, thank you, baby.” She hugged him tight, planting another ‘property of Harley’ label on his other cheek. “Nobody’s ever done anything like this for me.” 

“You’re welcome,” Joker replied. 

She swallowed as a wave of emotion came over her as she gazed up at him.  

“God, you’re overwhelming me already.” She dabbed at her eyes. 

“All I did was bring you here.” Joker chuckled. 

“I know. That was enough.” 

He shook his head. 

“Well, do you wanna skate first?” 

“Yes! Let’s see how many bruises we can put on that plump little tush of yours.” She beamed. 

XxX 

Ten minutes later, Harley was tearing up the rink in her new skates—arms outstretched, red wheels glowing as she spun and landed a flawless jump, grinning ear to ear. 

Joker, meanwhile, lingered near the DJ booth, standing on the safety of the carpet. He watched her whirl around like she owned the place while he was just worried he was gonna break his neck. 

“C’mon, Puddin’! Don’t be such a chicken!” She called, skating backwards past him. 

“I ain’t chicken, I just don’t wanna fall on my face,” Joker muttered, but doubted she heard him over Cyndi Lauper blasting through the speakers. 

She blew him a kiss. “I already seen you at your worst. Get out here!” 

With a sigh, Joker stuck one foot out onto the rink, nearly losing it already. He carefully eased the other onto the slick floor, arms out like a tightrope walker. He wobbled the whole time but managed to get to her as she met him halfway, barely holding in her laughter at the sight of him teetering like a toddler. She grabbed his hands. 

“Well, you made it out here. That’s step one,” she spun them both in a messy circle.  

Joker nearly ate it, clutching her hips for balance. 

“Fuckin’ hell, Harley,” he hissed. “I feel like a damn giraffe on ice.” 

She sputtered. 

“You just gotta get your roller legs, babe. But don’t worry, I’m gonna help ya.” She smiled. 

She took his hand and led him around the rink, slow and easy, while he just focused on not dying. 

“See? You’re doin’ good,” she encouraged, but Joker wasn’t convinced. 

He’d never been good at skating, never had reason to be. And that came back to haunt him when by the third lap, she let go to test his balance and he flailed, wiping out flat on his back, the thud echoing across the rink. 

Harley gasped and covered her mouth with her hands, then doubled over.  

“Puddin!” 

He grumbled and tried to get up, only to fall again. She nearly choked on her own giggles. 

“These goddamn wheels got a death wish on me,” he growled. 

“Honey, I don’t think it’s the wheels. It’s the driver,” Harley snickered while offering her hands. “Need help, slick?” 

He glared at her and took them, only to yank her down with him. They crashed to the floor in a heap, tangled up and laughing. 

“You dick!” She grinned, swatting him, but Joker just pulled her close and kissed her. 

“You’ll live,” he muttered. “Me? I ain’t so sure.” 

“Well, nobody’s an expert on the first try. Now get your ass up.” 

She helped him back up and then skated away backwards, sticking her tongue out. “Come catch me, Clown Prince!” 

Joker groaned, but attempted to chase after her anyway. 

 “If I break a hip—” 

“You’ll be the hottest guy in the ER,” she called, twirling away in long, effortless glides. “And we’ll get ya a blinged-out walker.” 

He watched her do the splits damn near parallel to the ground which shouldn’t even have been possible.  

And that’s how it went for the next hour - him trying to stay vertical while she showed off. She was doing all kinds of tricks - splits, cartwheels, spins like a damn ballerina, leaving him staring every time. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen her skate or anything, but he was always impressed by what she could do when she was. In fact, he was so captivated by her that he picked up a little too much speed and forgot how to stop. He went down on his side this time with a grunt, cursing like a sailor. 

Harley spotted him across the way and died laughing before she skated over to where he was laying like a pancake. 

 “You want some kneepads?” She asked, rolling up. 

“Keep talkin’, I’ll feed your new skates to the woodchipper,” he replied. 

“Empty threats, sweetcheeks.” She bent and poked his nose, then helped haul him up again, brushing him off. “You know, you’re pretty adorable when you’re all clumsy.” 

“Yeah, well, it don’t feel adorable.” Joker grumbled, but didn’t let go of her hand this time either. They were both sweating as she tugged him along, smiling. 

“Mm, don’t think I ain’t touched by the effort, though, baby.” She giggled. “Rentin' out the rink so I could skate and you could break your tailbone? That’s love, J.”  

“No shit.” Joker rubbed his aching side. 

They made another slow lap, him clutching her hand for dear life. He was scowling, but Harley could still see the corners of his mouth twitching. She knew he was secretly having a blast. 

“You wanna take a break, handsome? Or keep riskin’ internal bleedin’?” She laughed and bumped her hip into his. 

“One more lap,” Joker said, shaking his head. “After that, I’m stickin’ to solid ground for a while.” 

“Deal,” Harley chirped, spinning in front of him.  

She started skating backwards as she pulled him by the wrists, coming in close, kissing him while she somehow kept them moving. He laughed against her lips. 

“I dunno how the hell you’re doing all this," he said. 

“Practice.” She beamed. “When I was at the orphanage, there was a place like this down the street—our big getaway. Me and the girls used to sneak out every Friday for dollar skate night in stolen lipstick. We’d skate till they kicked us out.” 

“Sounds like you,” Joker said. 

“Yeah, and the guy at the counter had a crush on me.” She shrugged, smirking. 

“Of course he did.” Joker eyed her with amusement. 

“Yup. Played guitar in some wannabe rock band, called themselves Dead Ferrets or Basement Fire or something. He had scruffy black hair that always looked wet, eyeliner borrowed from his sister, and a voice that sounded like he was always mid-breakup.” 

“Let me guess—fingerless gloves and smelled like Axe body spray to?” 

She laughed. “Well, he did wear gloves. I think it was Old Spice though. I don't think Axe was around yet, was it?” 

“No idea.” Joker squinted at the fond look on her face. “And you made out with him, didn’t you?” 

Harley grinned guiltily. “Course I did. He played guitar for me, and it was the roller rink. Skating, greasy pizza, and kissing whoever didn’t bust their ass first is what you did.” 

“Guess I lost that one.” Joker chuckled. 

“Eh, for you, I’ll look the other way...besides, what do you think I plan on doing with you here?” 

“Well, so far you’ve watched me get injured and my pride get destroyed.” 

She bubbled with more giggles, looping her arms around his neck as a slow song started. She wheeled them to the rink’s center under the disco ball. 

They stood there gazing at one another while some love ballad Joker didn’t recognize played. He was just about to kiss her, but then the lights suddenly cut out, although the music was still thrumming while the rink went pitch black. 

“Uh… J?” Harley smiled, nervously, clutching him. “Thought you paid the power bill, sweetie?” 

“I did,” Joker replied. 

Harley glanced around, then she just happened to catch sight of the floor beneath them. She frowned seeing there was a giant glow-in-the-dark neon-red heart spread across the center of the rink. Inside, in jagged neon green paint-splatter letters it read, 

JOKER LOVES HARLEY 

Harley’s eyes went wide.  

“What the hell is that?”  

“What?” Joker asked, although he was smiling in the dark. 

She looked up even though she could barely see him now. 

He chuckled quietly at her reaction, knowing it was corny, but that was the shit she liked. 

True to form, she was speechless. 

“Joker.” She of course welled up in tears. 

“Harley.” He pulled her closer. 

“God...I love you to,” she whimpered into his chest, hugging him. 

He smirked and hugged her back, resting his chin on top of her head. 

“Boy, you weren’t kidding about getting mushy on me, huh?”  

“Okay, I never said that...” He frowned, then hesitated. “But I don’t know.” He shook his head. “I guess I just wanna make up for lost time...or something,” he mumbled. 

“You do?” Her eyes fell shut as she smiled, softly. 

Joker bit his lip, clenching his jaw as he was overcome by emotion to, the main one being guilt.  

He didn’t respond, and as if she could sense what he was feeling, she reached up and cupped his cheek. 

“J, as happy as that makes me. Don’t worry about all that. All that matters is now and that you did all this,” Harley murmured. 

“Yeah, well, I can’t really help it, Harley.” Joker smiled, tensely. “Like you said we wasted a lot of time, and I know that was my fault. The worst part is now it doesn’t even make sense to me why I pushed you away because here we are anyway. You got me makin’ an ass of myself just to see you smile. Drawing hearts on a roller rink floor.”  

“Wait. You did this yourself?” She smiled.  

He nodded. “This part, anyway.” 

Harley grinned and then sighed.  

“You were trying to protect yourself, Puddin’. I know that.” 

“Yeah, but from what?” He glared. “Sure, not wanting the rest of the assholes in this city to think they can try something…but sometimes...it just feels like more than that,” he admitted. 

“You mean like your running from something?” She arched a brow. 

He shrugged. 

“Yeah…I guess so. I don’t know.” 

“Well, whatever it is, you don’t gotta run no more, baby. You’re safe right here, with me.” She brushed his hair back. 

He shook his head. 

“Yeah...I’m starting to believe you, doll.” 

“Well, it’s about fucking time,” Harley smiled, and leaned up and kissed him. 

He laughed softly and for a moment she just listened because she couldn’t believe how open he was being, just like the other night. 

“God, you overwhelm me,” she said, again. 

Joker chuckled. 

“And you don’t think you overwhelm me? You know, Harley...I never stayed away from you because I didn’t want to be around you. I just couldn’t because of this. You make me feel too damn much.”  

Harley pressed her lips.  

“Seriously? Joker, that’s what you're supposed to do. Your supposed to feel things.”   

“Well, I don’t like it, and it’s alot.”  

She smiled.   

“I aware, but it’ll get easier if you just keep doing it. Just don’t let yourself get overwhelmed by guilt, baby. ‘Cause that ain’t gonna help either.”  

“You don’t think I should feel guilty?” He asked, frowning. 

“I didn’t say that. A little guilt is good, and accept responsibility for what you done wrong, but everyone makes mistakes and ain’t nobody perfect.” She caressed his cheek. “I forgive you, J, especially if you keep doing stuff like this...and get this exact heart tattooed on you somewhere. 

Joker looked at her like she was crazy.  

“Harley, what are you talking about? Good god, woman. Aren’t you fucking angry at me at all? How can you just say I shouldn’t feel guilty and act like it’s all okay after everything I’ve done to you? Like I never hurt you or something.”  

“Because I love you, idiot. And yeah, I am angry, alot sometimes, and sad. But I work through it and don’t let it fester because I’d rather be happy.”  

He shook his head.  

“You don’t make any damn sense sometimes.” 

“It’s not that hard, Puddin’. What do you want me to do? Flip out on you?”  

“Yes! Something!”  

She smirked.  

“Well, too bad. I got better ways to make you suffer if I wanted, and you seem like you’re doing a pretty good job of torturing yourself already, so sorry to disappoint.”  

She looked down at the heart again. 

“I swear I should fuck you right here on this thing. Right in the middle of this rink.” 

He laughed a little. 

“Tempting, but unless you want the boys to see your ass, I'd suggest against it.” 

She laid her head on his chest. “Told you you’re romantic sometimes.” 

“You’re fucking dragging it out of me.” 

“Good. I like this side of you.” 

“So you keep saying.” 

They stayed there holding each other for a while longer until Harley’s stomach rumbled. 

“Well, since I gotta wait again to get you naked, come on, let’s eat. I’m thirsty, and I know you’re tired you must be tired from all that falling.”  

“Funny.”  

She smiled and kissed him again, then helped him off the rink to the carpet. 

They pulled off their skates, and Harley grabbed his hand leading him to the snack counter. When Joker saw who was working it, he rolled his eyes. 

“Are you fucking kidding me, Jonny,” he muttered under his breath, while Harley brightened.  

“Mikey!” She squealed, leaning halfway over the glass to pinch his cheek. “Look at you! Ain’t you just the cutest thing. Workin’ the counter like a pro!” 

“Hey Harley,” he smiled, then looked at Joker a bit more serious. “Boss.” 

“Big bro put ya to work today, huh?” She asked. 

“Uh, yeah. He said this was something so easy I couldn’t fuck it up,” Mikey replied, glancing at Joker nervously.  

“Well, I’m sure you’re doing great,” Harley smiled. “But uh, gimme some triple-cheese nachos—extra messy – extra toppings—and a cherry slushie with Coke mixed in. Jumbo, ‘cause I’m starvin’.” 

“You got it” Mikey grinned. “How about you, Boss?” 

“Just gimme my steak, kid.” Joker eyed him. 

Mikey blinked. “Uh… but Boss, but they don’t really do steak here—” 

Joker glared. “What?”  

“Uh, I said they don’t have steak.”  

He arched an eyebrow. 

“Are you telling me that you forgot my fucking steak, Mikey?” 

“What? Oh no, Boss, it’s in the – oh.” He grinned, sheepishly. “Sorry, uh...yeah, I’ll just go get it.” He ducked through the swinging door in a hurry. 

Harley giggled, grabbing Joker’s arm. “You really got Jonny’s baby brother stashin’ you steak in a roller rink fridge?” 

“Jonny did. I didn’t know his idiot brother was gonna be the one fetchin’ it. You think I’m touchin’ those frozen corndogs? Not a chance.” 

“Just be nice to him. He’s just a kid.”  

“He’s nineteen, and if he wants to work for me he’s gettin’ the same treatment as everybody else,” Joker replied. 

A few minutes later, Mikey came back balancing a tray of their food. Harley’s nachos were piled high and dripping cheese with all the toppings she could ask for, her slushie bubbling red-and-brown. Beside it, a plate with Joker’s steak, cooked bloody rare, freshly heated with steam still rising. 

Mikey set it down carefully. “Here ya go, Boss.” 

Harley snorted as Joker gave him a dead look. 

“Don’t get cocky, kid. You ain’t gettin’ a raise.” 

Mikey went pale. 

“Oh, I wasn’t--”  

Harley bumped Joker’s arm. “He’s just kidding with you, Mike. Puddin’, be nice. He’s doin’ a great job and he’s sweet as pie.” 

Mikey chuckled, scratching his neck. “Nah, it’s fine, Harley. Jonny told me if he’s breakin’ my balls it means he likes me.” 

Joker scrunched up his face. “Or it means I’m two seconds from stringing you up by that disco ball over there and playing pinata. Don’t mix the two up, kid.” 

“Oh my god.” Harley giggled into her nachos and drug him away. “Come on, before you make him pee his pants. He’s just kidding, Mikey.”  

“No I ain’t.” Joker yelled back. 

“You’re so mean,” she giggled as they sat down in a booth. “He’s just tryin’ to impress ya.”  

“Isn’t everyone? And by forgetting about my steak?” 

“You made him nervous, like you make everyone else nervous.”  

“Good. They need to be nervous.” 

She sighed and rolled her eyes, tearing into her nachos like she hadn’t eaten in days, cheese dripping all over the tray and off her fingers.  

She slurped her slushie obnoxiously loud on purpose, watching Joker eat his plain steak.  

“This is the best date ever,” she said. 

“Harley, if I had known all it took was soggy chips and some red 40 sugar water to keep you happy, then yeah, maybe we would’ve went on more dates,” Joker muttered, biting into another piece of meat. 

She smirked.  

“I'll have know these nachos are a delicacy.” 

“Yep, a radioactive one.” 

“Still delicious though. You want one?” 

“No thanks. I want to live.”  

“Well, I’m eating them, and I’m living just fine.”  

“For now.”  

She popped a jalapeno into her mouth. 

“We should make this a regular thing, coming here,” she said, thoughtfully. 

“You like it that much?” Joker slanted his eyes at her. 

“Yeah.” She grinned, “can we?”  

He shrugged.  

“We can do whatever you want.”  

“Oh.” Harley’s grin split wider at that. “God I’m gonna fuck you so good when we get home.”  

Joker laughed quietly. 

“Careful, babe. There’s children in the vicinity,” he replied, nodding towards Mikey. 

Harley glanced over. He was throwing up popcorn and trying to catch it in his mouth. 

“I can’t help it you’re making me horny being all romantic.”  

“I can tell. Look, as soon as I crush you at all these arcade games we can go home and you can have your way with me.” 

“Good, but I think you mean I’m gonna be the one crushing you at the games because you can’t even win at Uno.”  

“This ain’t Uno, doll. This is video games. Big difference.”  

“Guess we’ll see.”  

“Guess we will.”  

XxX 

Round 1 — Mortal Kombat 

Harley skipped up to the glowing Mortal Kombat arcade cabinet digging through the cup of tokens Joker let her carry.  

“Okay, time to die, Puddin’.” She dropped two in with a triumphant clink. 

Joker squinted at her with a wry grin as he walked up. 

“You really wanna start with this one, doll?” 

“Sure do.”  

“Fine. Just don’t cry when I rip your little spine out.” 

“You wish.” She rolled her eyes and slammed the buttons with reckless glee. “I’m pickin’ Kitana! She’s got the best outfit.” 

Joker moved his cursor until Sub-Zero lit up. “Yeah? Let’s see how frost resistant it is.” 

Round one started. 

Harley went into a button-mashing frenzy while Joker leaned in focused, thumbs gliding with precision. He froze Kitana mid-air right off and snickered, baring his teeth as he pulled off a flip-to-punch combo, sending her crashing to the ground. 

Harley squealed as her health bar plummeted. “Cheater!” 

Joker laughed. “It’s called skill, sweetheart. Don’t hate me ‘cause you suck.” 

“You suck!” She mashed the buttons even harder, setting off Kitana into unleashing a cyclone of kicks, blasting Sub-Zero across the screen. Joker’s eyes widened. 

 “The fuck—where’d you learn that?!” He glared. 

“Dumb luck, Puddin’!” Harley cackled. 

Joker slid Sub-Zero back in with a shoulder slide and some low kicks, dragging Kitana’s health down to almost nothing. 

“Oh, you asshole,” Harley glared, flipping the joystick back and forth. 

Somehow Kitana’s fans flew out, slicing Sub-Zero up into the air, then she did it again. 

Joker stared at the screen gaping as the game’s voice rang out: “Kitana Wins!” 

“Wow, that was bullshit,” he said, scowling. “I had you.” 

“Yeah, until ya didn’t!” Harley laughed. 

He smirked and shook his head.  “Okay, now I’m not fucking around.” 

They got back on the controls and round two began. 

Harley glared when SubZero froze Kitana as soon as it started, uppercutting, combo punches, shoulder slides. She couldn’t even get a move in, and then the voice came back on the screen embarrassingly fast. 

Flawless victory. 

“Mmhmm,” she side-eyed him, “you think you’re hot shit now, don’t ya?” 

Joker shrugged, lips twitching. 

“I didn’t say it, the machine did,” he tapped the start button to set off round 3. “Final round, doll. Winner takes all.” 

Harley readied her hands, laser-focused now with her tongue poking from the corner of her mouth.  

Joker played cocky at first, dominating the screen, but Harley stayed scrappy—ducking, flipping, spamming fans like her life depended on it. 

Both health bars dropped in tandem, clinging to a pixel when Joker leaned forward, eyes wild.  

“Don’t choke, Harley—” He taunted. 

Harley shrieked, smashing every button at once. Kitana leapt, fans flying. They cut into Sub Zero and then he staggered. 

“FINISH HIM!” 

She let out an unhinged laugh as he wobbled and then hit the ground. 

“KITANA WINS!” flashed across the screen. 

Harley leapt up, fists in the air like a champion. “YES! Bow down to the queen, baby!” 

Joker was just staring at the screen trying to figure out what happened. 

 “Are you shitting me? Un. Fucking. Believable,” he said, mouth slightly open. 

She bubbled with giggles and victory. “Don’t worry, Puddin’. You’re still my king—just not of Mortal Kombat.” 

“Yeah, fuck this. I want a rematch,” he shoved more tokens into the machine. “Come on.” 

Harley grinned and got back on the controls. 

“Fine. I guess if you want your ass kicked that bad.”  

“Yeah, because that was a warm up, sweetheart.” 

“If you say so.” 

This time Joker picked Kung Lao, and she picked Lui Kang. 

Kung Lao threw his hat straight into Lui Kang’s chest when the match began, and blood squirted everywhere.  

“Oh, is that how its gonna be?” Harley asked, whipping the joystick back and forth, making Lui Kang do a flying kick. 

Kung Lao teleported at the last second though, then threw the hat again, cutting into Lui Kang’s back this time. Afterwards, he came closer and did a tornado spin, smacking Lui Kang aside, instantly killing him. 

“Wow, you like this guy or something?” Harley asked, annoyed, since he seemed to know so many moves. 

Joker smirked. “I’ve used him a time or two.” 

He laughed as she glared at him. 

Round 2 began. 

Harley started button mashing again and discovered Lui Kang’s fireball power, much to Joker’s dismay. She paired it with the flying kick and Kung Lao was spending the whole match teleporting out of the way. 

“You gonna be spamming that shit the whole round?” Joker bitched. 

Harley laughed. 

“If it helps me win, you’re damn right I am.” 

“Well, it ain’t,” he pulled off a couple more tornados and dive kicks, finishing her off with another hat slice. 

Kung Lao Wins. 

“Whatever.” Harley smirked and grabbed more tokens out of the cup and shoved them in. “Best two out of three.” 

Joker giggled at how sour she looked. He leaned over and kissed her cheek. She smiled but narrowed her eyes. 

“Don’t be tryin’ to distract me with kisses now. You wanted a battle, now you got one, clown boy.” 

He snickered as the character screen popped up.  

For the third game, Harley switched it up and picked Baraka this time, while Joker settled on Scorpion.  

They squared up, hands hovering over buttons, both determined to win. 

Round one started began with Scorpion zipping away with his teleport punch and coming up behind Baraka, bashing him in the head. Then he backed up and threw out the iconic spear—“Get over here!”—and yanked Baraka to him for a savage combo. 

Harley shook her head, mashing the attack with punches and low kicks. Finally, she figured out how to do the knife slash when her health was almost gone, but Scorpion teleported again and round one was over almost before it began. 

Joker glanced over at her chuckling. She didn’t say anything, just gave him a flat look which made him laugh more.  

Round two Harley was ready.  

Scorpion teleported again, but this time Baraka flipped away, then around and sliced the shit out of him. Joker blinked, wondering what just happened as he blocked since Scorpion was now stuck in a corner with Baraka bombarding him with punches and kicks.  

Harley smirked and flipped Baraka away for a moment to get Joker to let his guard down again, as soon as he did, she flipped over the spear and then came over and started slicing him again. Eventually he managed to break free, but then Harley discovered the leaping slash it was all over.  

“BARAKA WINS!” the machine roared. 

“Fuck this.” Joker chuckled, realizing there was one more round and it was a real possibility he might lose to her. 

That wasn’t lost on Harley either as she laughed softly to. 

“Puddin’! What’s going on here?” She looked at him curiously, smirking. 

He grumbled. “Don’t gloat too much, doll. There’s still one more round.” 

“That’s what you said last time. You better not be letting me win.” She frowned. 

Joker arched an eyebrow. 

“I wish that were the fucking case.” 

She grinned. 

“You better not be.” She looked at him again, suspiciously.  

“I ain’t. You’re getting lucky with all your fucking button mashing, trust me.” He glared. 

“Yeah, but you play this all the time.” 

“Not this one. I play the new ones. This is old school shit. If we were at home, I’d be slaughtering you right now. No mercy.” 

“Mmm, well, I’d rather you be doing other things to me while we’re at home.”  

“I’m sure you would, but how about we finish this game first?”  

She let out a resigned sigh.  

“Fine.”  

The final round started and Joker said fuck it and started spamming the Scorpion’s spear the whole match.  

“Are you desperate now?” Harley asked, giggling as she flipped over another.  

“I’m just doin’ what your doin’,” he said.  

“Fine.” Harley took his lesson and started dicing him up into little pieces. Joker tilted his head as he teleported and knocked Baraka down. They found themselves both hanging on by a pixel yet again, and then, of all things, Baraka throws one last little low kick and the game is over.  

“Wow,” Joker said, glaring at the screen. “Just wow. Fuck this game.” 

 Harley cackled and slurped from her slushie. 

“Was that ‘other ways’ of getting back at me you were talking about? Cause’ it looked pretty therapeutic for you.” He asked. 

She grinned like a fiend.  

“Yeah, it was, actually. I’ve dreamt of stabbing you quite a few times.”  

He snorted and leaned against the machine, crossing his arms, watching her giggle happily with the straw in her mouth.  

“Let’s play something else,” he said.  

“That’s probably for the best. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone what happened.”  

“Tell someone!?” Joker grabbed her and started tickling her. “Who the hell are you planning to tell if you can’t stop laughing, Giggles?”  

“Joker!” Harley burst and squirmed away, barely keeping a hold of her drink. 

“That’s what I thought,” he said, laughing himself, not stopping until hers were so hard they went silent. 

She barely caught her breath before she glared at him and retaliated, setting her drink on the machine. She lunged at him and dug her fingers into every ticklish spot she knew he had. 

“Agh—Harley!—stop—!” He howled, grabbing at her hands.  

“Stop? Like you stopped? I don’t think so!” She went harder, making the laughter tear out of him in wild bursts as he twisted and tried to wriggle away. 

“Oh, what’s the matter, can’t take your own medicine?” She asked, as he sank to the floor giggling like a school girl to get away from her. 

Joker thrashed, cackling helplessly, tears welling in the corners of his eyes.  

“Stop, dammit!” He hissed, voice cracking with glee and defeat, face actually turning a shade of pink. He was wiggling like a worm when she finally let up, leaving them both in a heap.  

“You’re so dead, you fucking sadist! I nearly pissed myself!” Joker growled. 

“You started it!” Harley declared. “How do you think I feel? I had that giant fucking slushie to drink!”  

He laughed and growled some more and laid his head back on the floor, still giggling, wiping the tears from his eyes. 

Harley smiled and looked over at him.  

“Wanna play skeeball now?”  

Joker snorted. 

XxX 

Hours later, they were driving home from the rink, almost at the fucking speed limit, for probably the first time ever.  

Neither Joker nor Harley really noticed it though. She was quiet for most of the car ride, busy lost in her own head, probably thinking about all her victories in the arcade, and so was he.  

They’d had a ridiculously great time together even though she’d crushed him at damn near everything. He hadn’t even cared. It was just nice them doing something together and not arguing for once. Now they were both carrying the same kind of buzz. She had his hand in her lap again, fingers tracing lazily over his arm, absentminded and soft, a permanent little smile on her lips. 

It hit him somewhere between stoplights that he hadn’t thought about the heist even once while they were out. Not a single goddamn time. He hadn’t checked his phone, hadn’t worried about the plan, hadn’t cared about anything but her—and that realization startled him. 

There wasn’t a single goddamn thing he wanted more right now than to just stay at home with her the rest of the night and keep wallowing in this sickly-sweet dopamine high that had been drip feeding between them all day. 

God, it felt good.  

How she kept looking at him. The way she loved him despite everything. She fucking forgiven him even, and they’d laughed so much his sides actually hurt from it and he was exhausted – or maybe that was because of her jabbing her fingers into his ribs when she had the audacity to exploit his other weakness and fucking tickled him to the ground where any of his guys could’ve seen. 

It was ridiculous, but he couldn’t remember the last time he felt so light either. So stupidly happy. It was like breathing without the weight of the world pressing down on his lungs, and that was a strange feeling, but he liked it. 

Of course, there were also those voices in his head, screaming again that he wasn’t supposed to let himself feel like this. That it went against his survival, but then there was Harley sitting next to him to, still there holding his hand, treating him like he was her entire world, and it seemed that for today at least, that was enough to drown out all the doubts. 

They pulled back into the driveway and got out of the car. Joker looked towards the garage and saw Jonny in there playing pool with the grin twins. He figured he should probably check in to make sure everything was in place for tonight, since there were still a few details in the air when he left. They locked eyes, and he started to walk over, but then Harley was calling him back  

“Joker.”   

“Huh?” He stopped, frowning as he looked back to find her pouting at him. 

“Where you goin’?” 

“To talk to Jonny for a minute.” 

Her bottom lip popped out. She looked over at Jonny who was staring back at them, like he could feel he was caught in the middle of something without even knowing what it was, then she saw the guys playing pool and knew if he went out there, he’d never come back, or at least not for several hours. 

“What’s wrong?” He tilted his head at the disappointment slowly filling her face. 

“Well, I just thought you were coming in with me,” she said, sadly. 

He chuckled. “Well, I’ll only be a minute, Harley.” 

“I know, but I need you,” She said, softer, giving him doe eyes. 

That gooey feeling returned to his stomach. He rolled his eyes and smirked as he rounded the car back towards her. Harley’s face lit up as she took his hand and they went up the steps to the front door together. 

 “You just can’t get enough of daddy today, can you?” He asked, hugging her from behind, kissing her neck while she unlocked the door. 

Harley grinned and leaned back against him  

“No,” She whined. “Because if you think I’m gonna spend the night all hot and bothered like this, you’re outta your mind.” 

They barely got inside before they were kissing again, no matter how much they had done of it in the arcade already, they still wound up making out at the door until Bud and Lou started whimpering, wanting out of their cage.  

“Mm.” She sucked his bottom lip before pulling away, reluctantly. 

“To be continued, handsome,” she said, running her hand down his chest. “Five minutes.” 

Joker smiled and ran a hand through his hair watching her go. It was probably better that he went inside anyway. He had black lipstick prints all over him by now, his hair was a mess, and he was exhausted.  

He peeled off toward the kitchen, grabbing another Red Bull since it seemed he was going to need it, cracking open the can while leaning against the counter at the same time the hyenas came bounding down the hall, knocking into everything they passed, it sounded like.  

They skidded past him into the kitchen, toppling over each other, then came back to sniff his legs. Lou hopped up and put his paws on his stomach, making him grunt, then Bud came over and did the same. He stared at them both. 

“Huh. You two think you’re getting an energy drink you’re as crazy as your mother.” He slurped from the can and ruffled the fur on their heads.  

They licked his hand and he made a face, but then he set his can down to be able to pet them both at the same time.  

“Fucking slobber faces,” he muttered, right before Harley walked in and caught him in the act. 

“Oh, uh-huh, and what is this now?” She asked, mouth slightly parted. “Yeah, but you definitely hate them, don’t ya?” 

Joker shot her a look. “I told you I tolerate them. They jumped on me as soon as they came in.” 

“Oh, really? ‘Cause from here, it looks like you’re the one who can’t keep your hands to yourself.” 

He rolled his eyes, frowning, but at the same time, he didn’t stop petting them either.  

“Let’s not talk about people who are unable to keep their hands to themselves, Harley.” 

She leaned against the kitchen island and propped her chin up in her hand, watching him scratch the fur around Bud and Lou’s faces with a soft smile.  

“J just face it—you like them,” she said. 

“I like that they were standing guard by the couch while you slept last night. And that they met me at the door when I got home and led me right to you.”  

“Aww. They did?” She cooed at Bud and Lou. “Well, I guess all those kissy faces I been makin’ at them accomplished something after all, didn’t it? More loyal members of my crew.” She continued over to the patio door. “Don’t worry, Mr. Tough Guy, I’ll keep this little secret to. C’mon, babies.” 

Joker grunted again as they pushed off him and bolted out through the patio door. He smoothed his shirt, then picked his drink back up, watching her put water and a couple of steaks out for them. Once she shut the door though, she turned on her heel and set her sights right back on him.  

He smiled as she crossed the kitchen and connected herself back to his person, like she was the missing piece, pulling herself flush against him, hugging him. 

“What’s funny?” He tilted her chin up when she started giggling, giving her another kiss. 

 “Mm, I’m just thinkin’ about how cute you looked at the rink. All wobbly and tryin’ so hard not to fall on your ass.” 

The corner of his mouth tugged up. “Yeah? That why you keep lookin’ at me like you’re about to eat me?” 

She grinned. “Oh, Puddin’, you got no idea. Let’s go.” 

She laced her fingers through his and dragged him up the stairs this time.  

Joker was trying to down the last of his drink along the way, but as soon as they made it to the bedroom, Harley didn’t waste a second, proving just how much she wasn’t playing around. 

 She swung the door open and pushed him inside, then straight down onto the bed. He barely hit the mattress before she straddled his lap, staring down at him with a look that made his blood fizz. 

He laughed softly and set his can on the nightstand, grinning at her aggressiveness. He laid back with a lazy grin. “Oh, so you think you can boss me around now just ‘cause you got lucky at Mortal Kombat.” 

“Lucky? Please, Puddin’, I owned you,” she said, taking a second to look him over like she didn’t know where to start. Her hands were already tugging at his belt. “Mmm, god, you’re so fucking hot, baby. I swear.” She whispered. 

 Joker smirked, watching her. 

“Bossin’ me, teasin’ me, and thinkin’ you own me. One date and it’s already gone straight to your head.” 

She tossed his belt aside, then shoved his shirt open, her palms gliding up his chest like she’d just found treasure, nails scraping slowly back down, leaving pink lines in their wake. 

“I don’t see you resistin’.” She peppered kisses up his stomach and chest.  

“Because daddy’s tired, baby. But don’t think I won’t take back the reins if I want to,” he drawled, folding his arms behind his head. 

Harley grinned and rolled her hips slowly down on him. 

“You ain’t gonna want ‘em back when I’m done with you, honey. Trust me.” She rubbed at his chest again. “Besides, you love being under me.” 

“I am curious what you’ll do with all that attitude and all those promises you been makin’ all day.”  

“Good,” she breathed, eyes turning heavy. “Cause I got plenty planned for you, Mistah J.” She dragged down his zipper, throwing him a heated glance. “Don’t worry.” 

“You fucking better. You been teasing me all damn day.” 

Harley grinned and bit her lip. 

“Yeah, and I ain’t done yet.” 

Joker chuckled and stayed true to his word, not interfering, letting her do what she wanted. 

She started by tugging his pants down his thighs, then moved between his legs so she could peel them all the way off. She slid out of her own jeans to, quicker than probably anyone ever got out of skinny jeans before, he thought. 

Afterwards, she was right back on top of him, sitting up straighter, letting her hair tumble down her shoulders, dragging her hands up her body. She hooked her fingers under the hem of her shirt and arched her back, peeling it off slow, revealing a silky black bra underneath.  

Joker did reach out one hand then to caresses the smooth skin of her stomach, and up along the curves of her breasts before she bent, planting more wet kisses on his abs. 

He brushed her hair out of her face, somehow getting caught up in thinking about how much he loved her again.  

A soft expression formed on his face without him realizing.  

“Watcha thinkin’ about, Puddin?” Harley asked, smirking when she saw it, making her way down, one hand roaming up his thigh. 

“You.” Joker answered. 

She smirked, then glared a bit. 

“Good. You better fucking be thinking about me.” She nipped at the waistband of his boxers with her teeth as he laughed gently, tugging them down a little, licking the pale skin before letting the fabric snap back into place.  

He hissed a little when she pressed her mouth against him through the thin black silk. Her tongue tracing him slow, licking every contour through the fabric, wetly outlining the shape of him. A noise rumbled in his chest, and he twitched beneath her as she had her fun. But boy did she fucking drag it out. 

Everything she did felt like slow motion, but she got him achingly hard that way. He brushed her hair from her face again, eyes slipping shut while she kept mouthing, licking, rubbing. His hips started to strain, desperate to be freed, but she wasn’t having it.  

He could barely breath by the time she finally—finally—dragged his boxers down. She looked up at him, eyes sparkling with mischief, a wicked grin on her lips. 

“You still with me, Puddin’?” she asked softly, her voice thick with teasing affection. 

His voice was rough and tense. “This is what you was talking about earlier, wasn’t it?” 

She giggled maniacally, dragging her tongue all the way up his length, agonizingly slow in response. Joker hissed, his muscles clenching as she paused at the tip, letting her tongue flick and circle, drawing out every sensation. She wet her lips, then traced back down, sucking along the side while her hand slid up his thigh to curl around his base, squeezing gently, then relaxing, then squeezing again. She alternated between slow, twisting strokes, and then just holding him, letting anticipation build. 

When she took him into her mouth, he was dangerously close to cracking already, swirling her tongue, coating him with heat and saliva, then she pulled back just to start all over again, letting her hand do the work for a while, giving long, slow strokes, her mouth ghosting close, letting her breath tickle against his skin. The muscles in his jaw and stomach kept tightening and releasing, over and over. But she never gave him what he wanted all once.  

Before long, he was barely able to keep quiet, each minute stretching and stretching until he thought he’d lose his mind. He finally tangled his hand in her hair, guiding her down, desperate for more, and she smirked taking him all the way with a gulp. 

“Doll,” he groaned, his voice frayed at the edges, “This is nuts—” 

He whimpered as she swallowed again, then pulled back at a maddening slow pace, sucking hard at the tip and letting him slip free, her tongue dragged up his length once more, making him jerk and tremble, clearly enjoying every second of his unraveling. 

“Aww, am I gettin’ to you, Mistah J?” she asked, voice sing-song sweet. 

Joker managed a snort, breath coming rough. “You and that damn mouth, honey. If it ain’t sassin’ me, it’s doin’ this…” 

She giggled, hands gliding over him as she crawled up for a kiss—making sure to draw that out to. 

She undressed the rest of the way, slipping out of her underwear with a slow, sultry wiggle. Joker couldn’t help himself—he slapped her ass, making her fall against his chest, both of them giggling as he chuckled and pulled her in, hands roaming her body. 

Harley started kissing his neck, nibbling at his ear, dragging her teeth over the shell and across the hollow. Joker shivered, then slid a hand between them to stroke her. He circled her clit with teasing passes for a moment, then flipped them over, massaging her breasts, licking her nipples, giving a soft suck and a bite. She arched into him, toes curling when he settled between her thighs, drawing her to the edge just like the night before until she whined. 

“Baby,” she said, all pouty, tugging him up by the hair, her voice breathless and needy. 

Joker stared down at her as he shrugged off his shirt the rest of the way, then laughed, thinking she’d finally give in, but no—she flipped them and straddled his lap again, grinding hard, rolling her hips, dragging her slickness along him repeatedly without ever letting him slip inside.  

Her eyes were locked on his face, watching every reaction. Joker groaned, his patience starting to wear thin as his hips bucked, but she just pinned him down by resting her hands on his chest. Each time he tried to take control, she’d stop and make him wait longer. 

“Harley, goddammit, you’re gonna wind up gettin’ fucked face-first into this mattress if you don’t stop being a fucking tease.” He growled, vein popping out on his neck.  

She just chuckled and kept grinding, leaning in to press a kiss to his lips. Then she slid back and stroked him again, thumb circling just right, making his face go slack.  

“Promises, promises, Puddin’. Don’t tell me you’re ready to tap out already?” 

“Baby, I’m ready to do a hell of a lot more than tap out, trust me,” he muttered, sweat beading on his temples. 

Harley grinned at his desperation. “Hmm, I dunno, J. You think you deserve it? I guess you were pretty nice to me today.” She shrugged. 

Joker let out a strained laugh. “You think you’re gonna make me beg, honey?” 

She grinned. “Guess that depends on how bad you want this.” She squeezed him.  

He was so hard she almost felt bad – almost. 

“Wouldn’t be the first time.” 

Joker glared at her, jaw set, but his bravado faltered as her thumb pressed against his tip, circling. He squeezed her thighs in response. 

“Come on, J, you love it when I make you beg, don’t you?” she purred, her voice a soft, dark melody. 

“Harley,” Joker said again in warning, but he was crumbling fast. 

 She leaned close, lips brushing his ear, she whispered, “C’mon, Puddin’. Let mama hear it.” 

He let out a frustrated huff—a helpless mix of laughter and groan. “You’re outta your mind if you think I’m gonna—” 

She squeezed again, and he choked on a gasp, shuddering. 

“Goddammit, Harley,” he rasped. “If you don’t—” 

“Oh, is that another threat?” She stopped, hand stilling. “Maybe you don’t want it after all…” 

Joker sucked in a long breath, his whole body tense, held there on the edge.  

“Is this really necessary?” he muttered, sounding almost defeated. 

She only shrugged, smirking. “I dunno, is it?” She looked down at his dick all swollen. “Kinda looks like it is.” 

Joker shook his head at her, then groaned. 

 “Okay, fine. Can you please just fuck me now? God you’re fucking insane.”  

She gave a satisfied laugh and lifted herself up, finally sinking down onto him, but of course it was inch by inch, taking her time. 

Joker whimpered in relief but then glared up at her.  

“Mmm, J… you’re just too much fun, baby,” she purred, beginning to ride him. 

His head fell back, not even caring anymore as groans and ragged breaths poured out of him. Harley’s knees dug into the mattress as she rocked, letting the friction build and build. Joker’s hands roamed her body, massaging her breasts until she guided his hand down and pressed his fingers between her legs.  

He circled her clit with his thumb, matching her pace, barley hanging on the whole time. Harley rocked against him, her breath coming quick and ragged. The tension between them built with every motion, every little noise—her gasps, his low groans, the creak of the mattress underneath their frantic rhythm. 

She arched, head thrown back with a shudder, and Joker’s hands slid up to her waist, guiding her hips to move faster, harder. He watched her, eyes burning with adoration that was all for her, and only her. 

“Look at you, baby,” he said, breathless, grinning. “Riding me like you mean it. That’s right, ride daddy’s dick. Show him why he’s yours. Fuck, Harley.” 

Harley grinned, biting her lip, sweat-slick skin glowing in light seeping in from the blinds.  

“That’s right, J. You are mine. Fucking remember that.” Her gaze burned down on him. 

Their pace grew urgent, less teasing then—need taking over, the kind that burned up every thought except for the feel of skin on skin, the way their bodies fit together. Harley’s nails raked down his chest as she chased her release, hips grinding in desperate little circles. Joker was right there with her, muscles tight, every nerve on fire. 

Joker let out a broken laugh, hands gripping her hips hard enough to leave bruises when finally her whole body tensed, wrapping around him tight as she came hard, rocking against him in helpless waves. Joker went right along with her, moaning and thrusting up. 

Harley collapsed onto his chest, both of them clinging to each other panting, bodies humming while Joker frowned. 

“Baby, you sure you ain’t the one tryin’ to fucking kill me?” 

Harley giggled tiredly and groaned. 

“And never get to do that again?” 

Joker chuckled and threw an arm over his sweaty face, barely able to move a muscle. Harley closed her eyes and stretched out on him. For a while, neither of them said a word as their breathing slowed, and everything faded to a warm fuzziness.  

She tucked her face into his neck, listening to the thud of his heart, rapid at first, then slowing, evening out. His breaths grew deeper and heavier, and she shifted up a little and laughed silently when she realized he’d fallen straight asleep. 

She brushed his hair back and pressed a light kiss to his cheek, then laid back down. She couldn’t stop grinning. 

All day she’d been floating, coasting on that sweet, giddy high that only he could give her, and today was better than anything she could’ve dreamed of, this was just the cherry on top, and it still felt surreal. 

The ridiculous skating, the laughter, the games, the way he’d looked at her – open and full of love, even if he might not have realized he was. It was the way she wished he’d look at her for years, and now the effort he was making, even if he still had his moments, it was lightyears beyond how they were before and like she’d told she barely knew what to do with herself when he was like this. 

He was finally starting to feel more like her boyfriend and less like someone she had to impress to earn affection. A man who made her feel wanted and like she mattered. And god did she need that – just to feel loved again, not just claimed, but loved. Like she was more than just a sidekick or a pawn to be used. 

He roused back awake and slid a hand into her hair, resting it there, stroking the strands with his thumb. 

 “Today was perfect, J. All of it. I’m serious,” she said. 

He didn’t say anything for a moment.  

“Glad you liked it, babe. But don’t go expectin’ this every week,” he teased. 

She smiled. 

 “No, but you did set the bar pretty damn high. Gonna be hard to top a private roller rink and all those bruises on your ass.” 

“Don’t remind me. I’m gonna be feelin’ that shit for days.” 

“Guess you’ll just have to let me kiss ‘em better,” she nuzzled his jaw. “And you gotta admit, you had fun.” 

“Maybe.” He tried to keep his voice cool, but it was useless. “Wasn’t the worst day I ever had, that’s for sure.” 

She smirked. 

“It’s nice. Y’know, just us. No heists, no crew, no drama. Just… us being idiots together.” 

“Yeah...you ain’t so bad.” 

She chuckled even as tears threatened again. She tried to blink them away, not wanting to get all sappy, but she couldn’t help it. 

“You’re cryin’ again, aren’t ya?” Joker said, not even having to look. 

She sniffled. “I can’t help it.”  

He rolled his eyes.  

“Jesus, Harley. You keep acting like I was never nice to you before.”  

“Yeah, but this is different, Joker.”  

He sighed and pulled her closer.  

“Well, then I guess you’ll have to get used to it...told you things were changin’, didn’t I?” 

“Yeah,” she whispered. “You did.” 

“Yeah, well, I meant it.”  

She cuddled against him.  

“I love you.” 

“I love you to,” he said, blinking, barely keeping his eyes open. “And uh, not to cut this sapfest short, doll, but you wore me out, daddy needs a nap. Christ.” He groaned. 

She broke into a smile. 

“Oh, did I break the big bad prince of crime?” 

“Yeah, you did, and I gotta be up half the night.” 

“I’ll let you sleep then I guess. I’m gonna go downstairs and play with the babies. You want me to wake you up?” She asked. 

“That depends, you gonna remember, or mysteriously forget?” 

She rolled her eyes. 

“I think I can handle it,” she replied. “What time?” 

He smiled. 

“9, probably.” 

“Fine.” 

“With a plate of pot roast preferably.”  

She glared as she was getting up. 

“With a side of my foot up your ass? Now who’s pushing it?”  

He grinned and pulled her down for a long kiss, giving her this adoring look when he pulled back that took her breath away. 

“And my usual water, thanks.” He smiled.  

She smiled back, watching as he rolled over onto his stomach, shoving his arms under the pillow with his white ass hanging out. She covered him up to took her stuff to the bathroom and got redressed. 

Bud and Lou came bolting to the door when she bounced out onto the patio, her pink sweatpants tucked into mismatched socks, arms full with a blanket, a dog brush, bottles of neon red and blue nail polish, a bag of peanut butter treats for them, coffee and skittles for herself.  

“Okay, my little hellions, who wants a spa day?” She sang, laying out the blanket on the grass. 

Bud immediately flopped down on it, belly up, legs splayed as if he’d been waiting his whole life to be pampered, which had her chuckling. Lou needed a little more coaxing though – a trail of peanut butter treats did the trick. She snagged his collar and reeled him in when he got close enough. 

 “Alright, gents, don’t be nervous. Mama’s got gentle hands.” 

Lou tried to chew the dog brush as she wrangled him into her lap, brushing out loose fur while singing off-key to Madonna. Bud was next, melting into a puddle with every stroke of the brush.  

“Well, look at you, Bud. You love this, huh?” She cooed, scratching behind his big ears. He thumped his leg in reply, eyes drooping, letting out a low groan. She was cackling when Lou came back over to get his share of the attention back, giving her a big slobbery lick on the face.  

“Aww, I love you to, sweetie. You two are my handsome little boys.” She smiled, opening up the bottle of blue polish.  

“You two are gonna be the prettiest hyenas in all of Gotham,” she said, and got one of Lou’s paws while he was sitting upright, dabbing color on quick before he could squirm away.  

Bud’s nails were easier, since he just laid there. For him she alternated blue and red, smiling when he tried to sniff his own toes. 

 “Now don’t you dare go smudgin’ my work you two! Gotta let it set so it can dry,” she said, as Lou started digging in the bag of treats. 

“Aww, baby are you still hungry? Here.” She grabbed out a handful and split them between them.  

After that they both laid on the blanket with her, chowing down.  

It was the most peaceful she’d felt in weeks—sun on her face, two oversized babies sprawled out being little angels, then she heard the back gate creek. 

You havin’ a picnic?” Jonny smirked as he walked over. 

“Yep, and we’re doin’ our nails. What? You want your’s done to?” She grinned. 

He chuckled. 

“No, thanks though. I’m lookin’ for J.” 

“Oh, well, he’s sleepin’.” She smirked to herself. 

“Oh.” 

“Why? what do you want with him?” 

“I was just gonna tell him everything is good to go for tonight, but I can just text him,” Jonny replied. 

“No, don’t go textin’ him you’ll wake him up.” Harley frowned. “I’ll tell him for ya later.” 

“Okay...do you think he’s still mad?” 

“About what?” 

Jonny shook his head. “Y’know…about Ivy.” 

She sighed. “He said something to you?” 

“Well, he questioned my loyalty.” 

“Oh my god,” Harley rolled her eyes. 

“I thought he knew.” 

“So did I.” She looked up. “Well, what else did he say?” 

Jonny shrugged. “Nothin really. Seems like it’s okay, but sometimes I can’t tell.” 

“Jonny, J, knows that your loyal.” She chuckled. “He won’t admit it but you’re his best friend. He ain’t gonna do nothin’ to ya. He just don’t like Ives because she don’t like him.” 

Jonny nodded. “Yeah, I know...he’s my friend to.” 

“Aww, aren’t you guys adorable.” She smiled. 

Jonny still looked a little wary.  

“Do you want me to talk to him for you?”  

Jonny’s eyes grew wide and he scratched the back of his head.  

“Uh, no, actually. I think that’d be a terrible idea, Harley.”  

She laughed.  

“Then just stop worrying and tell me how your night went.” She gave Bud and Lou more snacks. 

“You mean with Ivy?” 

“Yeah, unless there’s somethin’ else I need to know.” She raised an eyebrow. 

He chuckled. 

“No, we managed to get halfway through dinner before I had to leave.” 

“Aww, I’m sorry,” she frowned, truly feeling bad for him. He worked like a dog. 

Jonny shrugged. 

 “Eh, nature of the job. It’s okay. She gets it. She had to do something with her plants, anyway. She had that big window open and was talking to that monster vine of hers—Vera? I dunno, she was feeding it some kind of protein shake in a beaker. Had all these little spray bottles lined up.” 

“Aww, Vera must’ve caught something,” Harley pouted. 

“Is that what it is?” 

She chuckled. 

“The hell if I know, Jonny. I just remember her doing that to Alivin when he was sick once.” 

“I don’t think I’ve met Alvin.” 

“What?” She looked at him weird. “Sure you have. He eats the trespassers out front.”  

“Oh, that’s him? I don’t think he likes me.” 

“Well, he hasn’t eaten ya yet.” 

“Good point...did everything go okay with Mikey at the rink?”  

Harley grinned. 

“Yeah, he did great. A little cutie in his hat. Of course you know Joker had to give him a hard time.”  

“Yeah, I told him that he would...I still wish he would’ve just went to college. I would’ve paid for him to go wherever he wanted. He’s smart.”  

“Maybe he still will...but hey, I went to college and that didn’t do much for me.”  

“You’re a doctor though.” 

“Do you see me practicing though?” Then she tilted her head. “Actually, you know what, you’re right. I am, every fucking day, trust me.”  

He laughed a little. 

“Okay, well, I gotta get back to it…any chance you can keep this conversation between us?” 

“Yes,” she smiled up at him. “Boy, I come back and suddenly I’m the keeper of secrets around here. Don’t worry, my lips are sealed.” 

“Thanks, Harley.” 

She shook her head watching him walk away, then laid back down with Bud and Lou for a little bit, long enough to put a second coat of polish on their nails. When they finally went back inside, it was getting dark. The three of them cuddled on the couch while they watched a scary movie before she headed back upstairs to wake Joker up, dreading it every second.  

“Puddin’” She crawled onto the bed, brushing his hair. 

He made a muffled grunt as she let her fingers glide up and down his bare back. 

“What time is it?” 

“9.” 

He groaned. 

“I don’t wanna get up.”  

She smirked. 

“You don’t have to. You could stay here with me.” 

“Mm, as much as I’d like that, I just want to get this file shit over with.” 

She frowned. 

“I know. But promise me you’ll come back.” 

“I’m coming back.”  

“I know, but promise me.”  

“I promise.” 

“Good.” She lit up. “Now come on, I have your food.”   

He knitted his brows.  

“Here?”  

“That’s what you asked for, ain’t it?”  

“Yeah, but I didn’t mean...nevermind.  

He sat up and yawned, leaning against the headboard.  

Harley handed him his water and then he chuckled as she grabbed his plate and nestled into his side.  

“Harley,” he said, watching her poke pot roast on the fork.  

“What?”  

He waited until she looked at him.  

“Babe, you really don’t have to keep feeding me.”  

“Joker, I don’t have to do anything. If you see me doing it’s because I want to. Now open up.”  

He sighed and opened his mouth, letting her slide the fork in.  

She smiled and kissed his cheek softly as he chewed.  

Joker just stared at her with a little smile. 

“Oh, there’s that look again,” Harley smirked, feeding him some more.  

“What look?”  

“The one that says Mr. J’s in love.”  

Joker tilted his head, curiously and she laughed, making him smile more. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to her lips.  

“What have you been doing?”  

“Me and the babies had some me time.”  

“Jesus.” Joker scoffed. “You painted their nails, didn’t you?” He drank his water. 

“And combed their hair. You should have seen Bud. He loved it.”  

He rolled his eyes.  

“And so it begins.”  

“What?”  

“The babying.”  

“Oh, you mean kinda like what I’m doing to you right now?” She cocked an eyebrow.  

He just smirked.  

“Yep, that’s what I thought.”  

“Lesson number 1, Puddin’, quit while you’re ahead.”  

Joker chuckled.  

“You got lessons for me now?” 

“Yep.”  

He squinted at her, a grin tugging at the corner of his mouth. For a minute, he looked like he wanted to argue, but then he shook his head.  

“Alright, Doc. Let’s try it your way then.” He gave her another warm kiss on the cheek.  

A couple hours later. Joker threw on his coat as Harley hovered a step behind him near the front door. Bud and Lou thumped around their legs, tails flicking with curiosity. 

“Joker...” 

“Huh?” He turned, eyebrow arched. “What, baby?”   

Harley gave a tight little smile, shaking her head.  

“What is it?” He frowned. 

“Nothin’. I just got a bad feeling about this.” Harley chewed her lip. “I know you think I’m bein’ ridiculous, but it just feels off. Like somethin’ ain’t right.” 

Joker sighed, but his expression softened. 

“Harley, we already went over this a million times. Nothin’ ain’t gonna happen. I’m going to get the file, and I’m coming right back. Just like last night. How many times have I walked out the door and yet I always come back?” 

“I know.” She held his gaze, lips trembling into a stubborn line. “But it still don’t feel right.”  

He sighed again, chuckling.  

“Come here.” He pulled her to him.  

She slipped her arms around his waist and hugged him tight, pressing her face into his chest while he stroked her hair.  

“Look, when I get back we’ll watch a movie or something, okay?  

“Okay.” She sniffed.  

Joker closed his eyes realizing she was crying again.  

“Babe we gotta stop doing this at the door. Everything is gonna be fine. You’ll see. I got my best guys going with me. You ain’t got nothin’ to worry about.”  

“Okay,” she said again.  

He smirked and pulled back and gave her a long deep kiss.  

“There. I gotta go now. But I love you,” he said.  

“I love you to.”  

He smiled.  

“I know. Now go relax. Drink some water and calm the hell down.”  

“Fine.”  

He walked out and Harley just stared at the door sadly, still not able to shake the feeling something bad was about to happen. 

Chapter Text

Sorry for the delay. I wound up writing three chapters at once and had to get my plot right. 

The old cannery sat perched on a rotting pier at the coast of Black Creek on Gotham harbor. The Tri-Corner yards could be seen in the distance if you were standing on its weather-beaten boards that had silvered with age and salt. Three buildings hovered together over the black water, flanked by a thick wall of evergreens that climbed the hillside.  

Joker and his crew rolled up quiet in a black SUV on the winding road leading down, headlights off, they glided into the shadow of the woods on the east side overlooking the cannery. The air there was sharp, smelling of pine and the faint tang of diesel from the generators humming somewhere off in the distance. Joker studied the scene through night vision binoculars.  

The place looked abandoned to the untrained eye, just a collection of old wood and rusted tin, battered by a hundred storms. But tonight, hired muscle patrolled the boardwalk, moving under the sloping roofs and outside lamps, back and forth along the rickety loading dock. 

Jonny adjusted his gloves, eyes on the corner dock of the cannery’s east building where they expected to gain entrance, due to its heavy cover of trees going up the side. 

“I see two bozos already, Babyface, whatdya got?” Joker asked over comms. 

Back over at the Tri Corner yards, Babyface scanned the doc with his sniper rifle. 

“Six total, boss. Two east. Two west. Two south at the loading dock. I got one of their big ugly mugs in my sights right now. You want I should explode his head?” 

Joker smirked. 

“That’s a negative, Big Baby. Love the enthusiasm, but stick to the plan.” 

There was a sigh. 

“Copy that, Boss.” 

They all snickered, knowing how much Baby liked a good headshot, but tonight they were going for stealth, and so they went over the plan one last time. 

Slip past the mercs, get into the east building which connected to the processing building, that being the largest one in the middle, find the vault room, grab the file, and get the fuck out. No fireworks unless absolutely necessary, which was up in the air at this point because while that was the plan, and the outside seemed to be scarcely guarded for how big the place was, all they had to go on for the inside were some rough sketches Croft had provided from memory.  

Joker turned his piece of that copied paper over in his hands, squinting at the blocky drawing one more time. Once you got into the east building, a simple hallway connected it to the main building, but there were patrol guards there. Cameras surrounded the outside of the place to, which meant there would surely be more inside, but they knew zip about where they would be or who might be monitoring them, even less about the vault room itself since not even Croft had seen it. He just knew the briefcase had been taken to lot sixteen, and that it had a red tag on the handle. 

Joker tucked the sketch away, a crooked smile spreading on his lips. 

 “Uncertainty certainly makes life interesting, doesn’t it, boys?”  

Panda Man and the twins chuckled as they checked their gear in the back seat, screwing on suppressors and swapping jokes. Everyone was dressed all in black to blend in with the night and the mercs, even Joker.  

“Okay, pussies. Let’s just go get this damn file, then we can all go home and take tomorrow off. Sound good?” 

He looked at Jonny and the rest of them to make sure they were all still on the same page. They nodded, and so he cracked his neck, slipped the black hood over his face, a thin switchblade up his sleeve, and of course, he had some other toys on his person should things go sour, then he opened the door.  

Joker knew he should have been more nervous than he was going in so blindly, but he felt like a fucking ninja at the moment in his blacked out attire, and now that they were here, he was pretty excited to see what chaos would unfold, even though he wanted things to go smoothly. 

The other guys followed him out, and they stayed low off in the woods, wading up through the small patches of pines that went up the east wall of the place until they reached the risers holding up the dock. Once there, they treaded across the muddy spot where it was still on solid ground, listening quietly for a few minutes to the two mercs up top further on down the dock. They were shooting the breeze, smoking cigarettes, overlooking the water with AR’s slung over their shoulders.  

Panda set up the popup ladder, and Joker pointed to the Grin twins that they should go first and take them out, then Panda went, then Jonny, then him. The twins crouched down the gangway, moving as silent as they could. Luckily, the sounds of their boots was being swallowed up by the slap of waves against the pilings, and the occasional clang of some loose metal sheets on the roof above getting caught in the wind, whipping up off the harbor.  

Joker, Panda, and Jonny followed behind. There was a muffled scuffle as the twins grabbed the mercs from behind and strangled them to death, with Babyface keeping a close eye on the others from the yards, ready to take one out if necessary. Once the guys were dead, they drug them back and rolled them off the side of the dock into the pines below, then regrouped outside the door to the east building. Jonny had thrown a disrupter on the camera and one of twins produced the keycard needed to get in the door, swiped from the merc he’d killed. He waved it over the keypad, and the green light flickered and the door popped open. 

Inside, they entered a hallway containing a few offices, and then another set of double doors opened up to the warehouse floor. They crouched and darted away immediately upon seeing a light on over on the otherside of the factory floor. It matched the description of where Croft said the mercs would be patrolling each entrance into the main building, except these guys were sitting down, half asleep in a couple folding chairs. The rest of the massive space was filled with old cannery equipment, and the smell was a thick mix of old grease, fish, and rusted metal. Above were ancient steel rafters. Conveyor belts stretched the length of the room like the skeletons of long-dead whales, cordoned off by yellow tape. 

Their footsteps crunched and scraped lightly on the dust and debris on the concrete floor as they skulked their way through the old canning lines and stacked wooden crates. The portable floodlight set up illuminated the area around the guards, but not much else. Being that they were sitting right next to the door to the main building, it didn’t leave any room for them to sneak up on them from behind, and they were facing the direction Joker and the crew were coming from, so certain measures had to be taken. 

“Fuck it,” Joker whispered to Jonny. “I don’t see no one else. Let’s smok’em.”  

They were crouched behind a rusted hopper, and Jonny nodded in agreement.  

He elbowed Panda, and they pulled up their silenced pistols slowly, aiming them over the conveyor belts at the merc’s heads. Panda shot his first, and then Jonny right after. Two quiet ‘pews’ and both guards went limp in their chairs, but the guys didn’t come out of the shadows right away. They waited a minute, just to make sure there wasn’t anything they’d missed, scanning the area for more cameras. When nobody came running in, Joker stood and they made their way towards the crossover, checking the bodies for anything else useful.  

Now that they were halfway there, all that was left to do was sneak down the connecting hallway into the main building, and then according to Croft, the vault room was on the right next to a banquet area where the auction was set to host Gotham’s baddest of the bad. 

Joker thought about going straight to the vault once they reached the main building, but the perimeter of it was one big hallway, with more sets of doors in between. He wondered how many more mercs were laying in wait that could turn into reinforcements should they trip an alarm or something. Then they’d be stuck inside an enclosed space playing cops and robbers in a shootout, which sounded fun, but he was still tired, and he was sick of fucking with the file at this point, especially if it wasn’t even really about him. He was having fun, but he just wanted to go home to. 

For that reason, he decided to split the team up first and work their way around the perimeter to take out as many morons as they could, which deviated from the original plan of killing only who they had to, but it was fact now that everyone else had killed someone already , Joker was feeling left out. 

He and Jonny took the right side, and the twins and Panda Man the left. They agreed to meet back up in the middle of the hallway on the otherside of the building before going into the main rooms. Joker kept expecting the dull surprise of a merc with a gun as they went from office to office, or at least some grunt getting paid too little for too much. Instead, he found silence, and it was irritating and making him restless. When they did finally find a guy, it was Jonny who froze mid-stride and signaled to Joker. The person was another merc, already dead, slumped against a utility closet, but with one distinct feature. 

 His mouth was stretched into a horrible, rictus grin. Lips peeled back, gums raw, teeth glistening. His eyes were glassy, fixed in a state of suprise, and his skin was tinged an off shade of blue. 

Joker slowly glared with curiosity and a prickle of unease. Because that smile…he knew that smile well, considering he’d manufactured the damn thing and brought it to life thousands of times on the good citizens of Gotham. But since he hadn’t brought any of his toxin tonight, that meant someone had either gotten a hold of it, or copied his formula, neither of which sat well with him. 

“What’s going on, J?” Jonny asked, suspiciously, kneeling to check for a pulse he already knew wasn’t there. 

“Wasn’t me,” Joker muttered, while Jonny checked the man’s pockets, searching for any clue. 

There was no syringe, no dart, no powder burns. Just that twisted, unmistakable calling card – his calling card. 

The twins rounded the corner, dragging two more mercs with them who were the same story. Same grotesque death-masks. Panda whistled, eyes wide above his bandanna. 

“Boss…you playing games with us?” 

“Wish I was, Pandy,” Joker said, taking off his hood. 

“Well, someone obviously got a hold of your toxin,” Jonny replied. 

“No they didn’t, I made it.” 

All the men whipped around and pointed their guns at the girl who walked out from around the corner. She had black hair, and wore a purple hoodie and black pants, seemingly unfazed by the guns trained on her face.  

“I can’t believe it’s really you,” she said to Joker, like he was the only other person in the room. 

Joker exchanged looks with the rest of the guys, then tilted his head and smirked.  

“Yeah, it’s me. The question is, who the fuck are you?”  

The girl grinned, stepping closer.  

“Alexis Kaye. And you—you’re my hero.” 

A chuckle bubbled up out of Joker then, then another, and another, until it became an uncontrollable fit of laughter that even the rest of the guys had to smirk at. 

“Hero, huh? Goddamn, all you people lately, getting me confused with someone who gives a shit. Do you see me wearing pointy ears and tights? Am I doing something wrong to keep getting slurred like this?” 

He glanced at the bodies again. 

 “And you, you’re telling me all this is your handiwork?” 

Alexis nodded, with a pride filled smile.  

“Been perfecting the formula for a year now. It’s not quite as elegant as yours, but it gets the job done.” 

Joker snorted and clicked his tongue, eyes dancing wildly at the nerve of this girl.  

“Well, I’ll give you that it’s close, but still pretty fucking sloppy.” 

She shrugged, playfully.  

“I don’t know. Worked just fine on them.” She gestured to the bodies. 

He narrowed his eyes and a grin spread his lips. 

“And what exactly are you after here, darlin’?” 

She gave a careless shrug.  

“I heard the deadfile’s all about you. I’m a fan. I wanted to know more.” 

“So, you just thought you would break into a heavily armed building all by yourself and fetch it, hmm?” 

“Pretty much.” She smiled. 

His gaze turned predatory as he came closer and circled her.  

“And where exactly did you hear about this file, Ms. Kaye?” 

“The Gigglebox.” 

He stopped in front of her, sizing her up.  

“Gigglebox…which is?” 

“A forum full of people who actually get it,” she said.  “Not just the ones who think you’re funny, or scary, or want to bed you. The ones who think you’re right. That Gotham’s a joke and the world’s a rigged game, and maybe the only honest thing you can do is light the whole thing on fire.” 

“A forum…about me?” Joker said, unable to hide his amusement. 

Alexis nodded.   

“Yeah. Because some of us actually understand what you’re doing.” 

He arched a brow.  

“So you guys are all fans of the ‘blow up the system’ approach?” 

“More like we agree the joke’s already on everyone else. All you did was laugh first. Somebody’s gotta be honest about how rotten Gotham is, right?” 

“Mm, and this…Gigglebox, is it full of charming people like yourself? All hoping to break into a cannery in the middle of the night to get some dirt on yours truly?” Joker smiled. 

Alexis shrugged and smiled back. 

“Most of them just post memes or rants. Me? I like to get my hands dirty.” 

“I can see that.” He looked down at the bodies again.  

For a moment he just stared at her, because he couldn’t help himself. His curiosity was piqued as to whether her story was actually true or not. If it was, it was a new kind of funny. 

“Alright then, Alexis Kaye, is this your first villian caper?” 

She nodded. 

“Well, even so, and as flattering as all this is, I hope you understand the only one walking out of here with that file is me.” 

She grinned at him sweetly.  

“Of course. I can even help you open the vault if you want, since I was about to crack it right before I heard you guys out here.” 

“Were you now?” Joker tilted his chin up, smirking. 

“Yep.”  

“Huh. So wait, you know how to break into vaults, but then this is your first time actually breaking into one? Alexis, this cute little story ain’t addin up.” 

“I read about how to in preparation. I’m a fast learner.”  

“I bet you are, but all that means is your another bookworm with no actual experience,” he said, with half a glare. 

“Let me prove it to you then.” 

Joker chuckled. 

“Oh, man, you sound like someone else I know. Sorry, I only got room for one psycho chick in my life.” 

She laughed. 

“Well, what’s the harm in just letting me help you with the vault? There’s a brigade worth of mercenaries in the banquet hall you know. You guys are easily outnumbered. I was already halfway done.” 

Joker looked to Jonny.  

“She could be setting us up,” Jonny stated the obvious. 

“I’m not,” Alexis said. 

“Of course you would say that. But we don’t know you, and if there's more mercs why didn’t they catch you?” Jonny asked. 

“Same way they didn’t catch you. I’ve been stealthy.” 

“Which way did you come in?” 

“Through the front door.” 

Joker smirked. 

“That was ballsy.” 

“Well, like I said this is my first robbery and the place looked abandoned.” 

He laughed softly and observed her for a minute. 

“What do you say, guys? Think we should give her a chance?” Joker asked, glancing back at the crew.  

They all shrugged, since they knew just by the look on his face that’s what was gonna happen. 

He waved a grateful hand. “Well, you heard ‘em. Lead the way, honey.” 

“Gladly.” Alexis beamed.  

She headed through the doors to the leading into the main rooms.  

Joker shook his head.  

He already knew the bitch was slippery. The question was, how much? Some girl copying his toxin, he wanted to know more. 

She led them past more corpses with those familiar, terrifying grins. Panda and the twins kept their weapons up and trained on her while Jonny and Joker stood at the vault room door marked Processing. She sat on the floor cross-legged by the digital panel, pulling a battered tablet from her backpack with stickers all over it. 

“I’ll have this open in no time,” she assured them. 

Joker crossed his arms and watched over her shoulder as she worked, fingers flying for a few minutes as lines of code and applications windows popped one after another on her screen. There was a heavy thud as one by one the bars on the lock released, then there was a soft beep and a hiss from the airlock. The vault door popped open with a heavy thunk. Alexis looked up with a smug grin. 

“Not bad.” Joker gave her kudos. 

But then he zeroed in on her.  

“I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your help,” he smiled, “and your dedication, but unfortunately, I’m going to have to kill you now.” He pulled out his purple gun and held it to her head. Because the only thing worse than someone trying to steal my stuff is someone trying to steal my gimmick. There’s only room for one Joker in this city, honey.”  

He expected her to be shocked, or start begging and pleading like a normal person, but just like Croft, she did neither of those things. Instead, she looked thrilled.  

“Punchline,” she said.  

“Punchline?” Joker raised an eyebrow. 

“Yeah, that’s what I’d want my villian name to be. But I can’t think of a more perfect way to die right now.”  

He crinkled his eyes. Because in that moment, he didn’t know what the fuck it was, but she started to feel familiar somehow and it was weird. 

“Are you sure we haven’t met before?”  

“I wish. Maybe in a previous life.”  

He laughed. 

“Oh, you’re one of those, are you?”  

He sighed and shook his head.  

“And here I was about to spare you.”  

He cocked back the trigger when suddenly shouting sounded from down the hall.  

“Uh, oh. The reinforcements,” she said. 

 Jonny, the twins, and Panda started opening the vault door.  

“Well, I guess we’re going to have to put a pin in this for a minute,” Joker said, and waved his gun for her to get in the vault to, just as a pile of mercs made their way around the corner.  

“You boys keep’em busy while Ms. Kaye and I here find the file.” 

“J, I don’t--” Jonny tried to argue. 

“Oh, don’t worry about me, Jon,” Joker said, never taking his eyes off Alexis. “She’ll  take good care of me, or I’ll take care of her, isn’t that right?” Joker smiled at her.  

“Absolutely.” She grinned back. 

Jonny shook his head as gunfire erupted. Joker started to stroll through the shelves of the vault.  

“So,” he stopped by a couple of gold berettas and inspected them before slipping them in his pocket. “Who are you really? One of Waller’s dogs, right?”  

“Who?” Alexis frowned.  

Joker chuckled.  

“Fine, you wanna keep playing games?” He raised his gun at her again, glaring. “You’re time with me is gonna get cut short real quick. If you're as big of a fan as you say you are, then you’d want to prolong it as much as possible.”  

“Yeah, I do.” 

“Then start talking, real fast.” 

“I’m a college student.”  She shrugged. 

“Great for you, but maybe you're not as smart as I thought if you’re wasting your time like that.”  

“I have quit a few times, just can’t find a decent paying job without a degree.”  

“Then your looking in the wrong places. I don’t wanna criticize, but you decided to use your chemical agent and hacking talents on stealing my file instead of making a living?”  

“I can’t help it. You’re intriguing to me...and really fucking hot.”  

“Aww, thanks, that really ups my self esteem, but you still haven’t answered the question.”  

“I don’t know who Waller is.” Alexis said. “I’ve never heard of him. I told you, I’m just a chem student minoring in cybersecurity. I live in a rundown apartment with my cat, Gecko, and I spend most of my time studying and reading about you.”  

“Right. And I should believe you, because…?”  

“Because...I hate my life. It’s so boring, and the people are so fake, and everyday I feel like I’m dying inside – at least until I learned about you,” she said, softly. “Then the world made sense. It feels like a joke because it is. People just walk around doing everything they’re told – even me, and it sickens me.” She glared. “But you make me feel like I’m not crazy.”  

“Holy fuck,” Joker smiled, laughing. “Sure never heard that one before.”  

She smiled back, sheepishly.  

“Well, it’s true.” 

He let the gun drift just a little, his brow furrowing, looking again for a crack, a tell—anything to prove she was lying or working some angle. But all he found was honesty, or the best damn mask he’d ever seen in his life. 

The faint sound of gunfire echoed from the hall, Jonny yelling something about them getting overwhelmed and running out of time. 

“You really are something else,” he told her. 

She tucked her hair behind her ear. 

 “That means a lot coming from you.” She glanced at the vault door.  

“Hmm…” Joker mused, glancing at the shelves, the chaos outside building by the second. 

“So, you going to shoot me, or let me help you find the file?” She asked. 

 He made a decision, one as reckless as it was inevitable. 

 “Mm, yeah, okay, but let me be clear. You make one wrong move, and I’ll paint this vault with your brains.” 

She nodded.  

Joker turned toward the endless rows of storage, his voice calm amid the chaos.  

“We’re looking for Lot 16—a briefcase, red tag,” he said. 

She nodded, moving swiftly along the aisles. Joker followed. 

They were going up and down the rows until finally she slowed, stopping in front of a glass display case set apart from the cluttered shelves in the back. A bold label read Lot 16. Inside, resting on a velvet pad sat a battered briefcase with a red tag looped through its handle. 

Joker stepped closer,  immediately catching the faint red glow of a thin laser grid crisscrossing the case.  

“Cute,” he muttered. 

Alexis crouched, eyes narrowing as she examined the setup. “This is some high-end security. You open that wrong and the alarms will sound.” 

Joker chuckled. 

“You read that online to?” 

She smiled coyly. 

“Maybe.” 

 “Alright, fine, my prodigy, let’s see what all that ‘research’ gets us.” 

“Okay.” She slid her backpack off her shoulder again, producing a small mirror and a canister of freeze spray. 

 “We have to disrupt the lasers without triggering the sensor.” 

“Good idea.” Joker rolled his eyes. 

He took the mirror from her and angled it, reflecting the beams while she carefully coated the tripwire with a chilling fog. The red lines flickered and dulled, just long enough for her to slip a narrow tool into the lock and pop it. Then she slid the case out with ease. 

Jonny’s panicked voice came seconds after. 

 “Boss, we gotta go, now!” 

Joker looked at Alexis.  

“I’ll take that, thanks,” he said, holding out his hand. 

“Okay,” she agreed. “But now that you’ve seen what I can do. I want to work for you.” 

Joker chuckled some more. 

"You want a job?" He said, dully. 

“Yes.” 

“What makes you think you’ve impressed me enough for that?” 

“Because you could have shot me a long time ago and you didn’t.” 

“That don’t mean nothing.” 

She gave him a crooked, hopeful smile. 

“Come on,” she said, flirtily. “Nobody else gets it. And I’m good at this, even if I look like I belong at a science fair, you have to admit that you liked my toxin. Plus, I can improvise pretty good.”  

 “Honey, working for me isn’t a career move, it’s a death wish. You sure you’re not just suicidal?” He asked. 

Alexis shrugged.  

“What’s the difference? At least this way I’m actually living.” 

Joker shook his head.  

He wanted to say no. He knew he should say no...but there was something about her… 

Another barrage of gunfire rattled the place.  

Panda shouted shouted this time, “Joker! Time to MOVE!” 

Joker grinned and looked back at her. 

“Fine. You want a job? Trial by fire. Let’s see those improvisation skills. You use that knock off toxin of yours to get me and my guys out of here, and I’ll consider putting you in the mail room.”  

“Deal.” She beamed. 

He jerked his head toward the corridor. “Well, what are you waiting for? Showtime. You fuck up and I’ll kill you.” 

She nodded and wasted no time, darting to the nearest maintenance pane and prying it open. She stuffed one of her toxin canisters inside, then slammed the panel shut. 

“Gimme thirty seconds!” She called. 

Joker spun back to Panda, Jonny, and the twins. 

 “Get ready to hold your breath and haul your asses back to the east building!” He yelled, jogging back over.  

He unpinned the grenade he’d brought with him and tossed it through the crack in the vault door just in time for the ventilation to kick in. Alexis had timed it perfectly. The gas billowed out of the vents, right where the mercenaries clustered. 

Shouts twisted into cackles. The gunmen stumbled, then dropped to their knees, clutching at their sides, faces splitting into wild, unnatural smiles as the laughter overtook them. Their guns clattered uselessly to the floor. 

She flashed Joker another arrogant smirk and his lips twitched.  

“Now!” He commanded.  

The guys pushed open the vault door, and not a single breath was taken as they ran back through the way they came. They burst out into the cold, open air. The alarms and hysterical laughter fading behind them. Once they made it back outside on the dock, Joker heaved himself back over the ladder and climbed down. The twins and Panda came next, and then it was just Alexis and Jonny.  

“Whoa, whoa.” Jonny stopped her.  

“Boss, what are we doing with her?” 

Joker looked back up on the dock, pausing for a moment as if he was still deciding himself. 

“Well, obviously she’s coming with us until I figure out what she’s up to,” Joker said. “Bag her and get her in the car.” 

Jonny looked at Alexis and she smiled at him. Something about it didn’t sit quite right, but what was he gonna do? 

“After you, then,” he said, motioning to the ladder. 

XxX 

The east Narrows warehouse was full of stolen merch, from pancake mix to the latest Wayne tech 2090 pc graphics cards, which made sense, considering half of it came from hijacked big retail shipments. As was just one source of the empire’s income, and how a lot of mom and pop stores stayed afloat in Gotham. 

These stolen goods were sold exclusively to those small businesses for a discounted price, way below anything  wholesalers offered. In return, those businesses also agreed to pay Joker for protection for their stores, which they sure as shit needed anyway. It wound up being a win-win, and allowed Joker to keep his gaming rig up to date.  

“You got’em?” He asked Eyeball when he arrived at the little holding cell they’d constructed, exclusively for people like Croft, with whom they had unfinished business. 

“Sure did, Boss. Laid yours on your desk upstairs.”  

“Good. Pass some out to yourself and the rest of the guys to. I’m sick of you all bitching your shit can’t handle Black Ops 3. Infinite Warfare is coming out soon. We can’t be having these kinds of problems.” 

“Will do, J.”  

Joker turned his attention to Croft then.  

“I see you got it.” Croft nodded at the suitcase in Joker’s hand while eating the Big Mac Eyeball had brought him. 

“Yeah, I did. But you said this thing is rigged to blow, so how do I know you ain’t on the type of suicide mission that’s gonna wipe this warehouse and half of Gotham off the planet? How do I know you ain’t actually workin’ for Waller and this is part of her plan?”  

“Ah,” Croft chuckled. “Paranoia, gotta love it...I already told you my story.”  

“Yeah, your dead fiancé. I got it. How do I know you ain’t makin’ that shit up though?”  

Croft gave him a vile glare in return. He threw down the hamburger and stepped up to the bars.  

“You think I would make something like that up?!” He snapped. 

“Would you?” Joker asked.  

Croft’s face turned red before he was overcome by emotion.  

“She was fucking everything to me. How dare you--”  

“Alright, alright. Jeesh.” Joker frowned. “Calm your obviously juiced up tits, soldier boy. I just gotta make sure me and my people here ain’t about to become a crater, you know? And if I don’t come home, my girl will probably come to hell herself and drag me back out.” 

Croft frowned.  

“I’m not on steroids.”  

Joker snorted.  

“Bullshit.”  

“Seriously.”  

“Yeah, I heard that one before.”  

“It’s called PT, asshole.”  

“Yeah, I workout every morning to, dick.”  

“Really?” Croft tilted his head, then shrugged because Joker did have some muscle on him. “Then what’s your chest routine look like?”  

Joker blinked then shook his head.  

“Bench, pushups, incline bench, pec deck.” 

“Huh, have you tried dumbbells? Isolation exercises can get you there, that’s what I do.”  

“You don’t bench at all?” Joker asked, curious. 

“Sometimes, just to see where I’m at. Probably four weeks on of bench and then 4 weeks nothing but dumbbells.”  

“Hmm, you do cables?”  

“Every once in a while, mainly just the dumbbells though.”  

“Good to know. You gonna open this fucking case or what?”  

“You gonna fuckin’ hand it to me?”  

Joker slid it through the bars.  

“You know, I should smash your fucking head some more for making me have to go through all this shit in the first place.”  

“Not with that chest your not,” Croft replied, and pressed his thumb to the scanner.  

Joker snorted.  

“Wow...make sure you disable that fucking thing to.” 

“What do you think I’m doing?” Croft held his eye up to the built in scanner. 

“There.” He handed it back through the bars. 

Joker opened it and inside was a thick ass three-ringed binder.  

“All this is on her?” Joker frowned. 

“Yeah, I told you, she needs to be stopped.”  

He thumbed through it a few of the pages then closed it up, not about to read all that shit right now. 

He looked back up at Croft and sighed.  

“So, what am I to do with you?” He asked.  

“I thought you were gonna kill me?”  

Joker shrugged. 

“I should. That’s for damn sure…but look…I don’t say this often, and you’re a right prick, but I’m sorry about your girl. That’s fucked up.”  

Croft winced and nodded.  

“Thanks.”  

“Yeah, so I’m gonna let you go. But if you ever do some shit like this again? Trust me, I ain’t gonna listen to no fucking sob stories, and I’m gonna skip straight to cutting your throat. You got that?”  

“You’re gonna let me go?” Croft said, in surprise.  

“Yeah.” Joker glared. “There a reason I shouldn’t?”  

He shook his head.  

“No, I just figured this was it.”  

“Well, good news, whatever you do after you get outta here is up to you. You wanna go jump off the bridge, I ain’t gonna stop ya.”  

“No, I just want to go back to the garage.”  

“Fine, but you’re still getting the bag treatment. Let’em out, Eyeball.”  

Joker watched as Eyeball opened the door to the cell and shoved a black bag over Croft’s head, then zipped his hands, even though it was pretty much a formality at this point. 

“Thanks,” Croft said again.  

“Yeah, yeah. And don’t worry, that bitch will be dead sooner or later.” Joker muttered. 

“Good.”  

Eyeball escorted Croft out of the room, and then Joker rubbed a hand over his face. Because now he had to head up to his office to take care of the next piece of business – the girl.  

He clanged up the metal steps to the box that oversaw the warehouse and found Jonny and Alexis inside. She still had a bag over her head to. He smirked and came in and sat down in his chair, propping his feet up on the desk.  

“Okay, so here’s the deal. You want to work for me, it’s the last job you’ll ever have. Once you’re in, you don’t get out unless it’s a bullet in the skull, or some other hazard of the job, but usually a bullet. So, you’ll need to think real long and hard about whether that’s the type of severance package you’re looking for. We also don’t do healthcare, and there’s no paid time off, as a matter o fact, we barely get a day off, but the pays pretty good.” 

“Sounds great,” she replied. 

“Yeah, don’t get your panties wet just yet. There’s something else to consider. You speak one word about what goes on around here to anyone on the outside? I’ll cut your tongue out and watch you choke on the blood.”  

“That’s reasonable. What will I be doing?”  

“Well, that’ll be up to Jonny here. He’ll put you where you need to go, but first, there will be a series of tests for you to prove your loyalty.”  

“What kind of tests?”  

Joker smirked. 

“Whatever the fuck we decide, whenever the fuck we want, but trust me, it ain’t gonna be no written exam like you’re used to.”  

Alexis let out a half-laugh under the hood. “Figured as much.” 

He motioned for Jonny to yank the bag off her head. Alexis blinked in the light. She still looked straight at Joker, hair a mess, but stubbornly defiant. 

He leaned forward, elbows on the desk.  

 “And don’t expect to make friends, either. Most of the crew won’t trust you for a long time until you prove yourself. I don’t employ weak links, and if you try to screw me, there’s no escape hatch. No mercy. No deals. You get exactly one shot, and you already used most of it back there in the cannery.” 

Alexis nodded. “I’m not here to screw you over. I just want in.” 

Joker’s eyes flicked to Jonny, amused again. “You believe her?” 

Jonny shrugged. “I don’t know, boss. She’s crazy, but she did get us out alive.” 

 “Well, that’s half the job ain’t it?” 

He leaned back, staring at her like she was a new kind of puzzle box. The warehouse below buzzed with the familiar sounds of machinery and low voices, but up there in the office, time stretched out as he mulled it over. 

 “Alright, then you’re in I guess. But you’re on probation. That means you get the worst jobs, the longest hours, and you answer to whoever Jonny assigns you to for everything. You want to stay breathing, you earn it. Prove you can handle it. ‘Cause now you ain’t really got a choice.” 

Alexis smiled. 

 “I can handle it.” 

XxX 

Joker was never so glad when he arrived home with that stupid fucking file in his hand.  

He’d deeply contemplated just torching it, but then after having the opportunity to look through some of the pages, he saw that maybe it did have some clues that would help him find Waller, and so he didn’t. 

He sighed tiredly as he walked in the front door and was greeted by Lou yet again, although Bud was suspiciously absent this time. 

“Where’s your sidekick?” He asked him, peeling off his coat. “He better not be tearing shit up.” 

Lou just watched as he kicked off his shoes, then turned and went back up the stairs when Joker was done.  

Joker smirked and followed him. Of course, he was led straight to the bedroom where Harley was lying in bed, eating a bag of chips with the lights off, watching a horror movie at four in the morning. 

“Puddin’! You’re back!” She smiled.  

“I told you I would be,” Joker murmured. 

“Did you get the file?”  

He held up the three ring binder. 

“All a bunch of boring shit about Waller.”  

“Oh.” She made a face, since she was still hoping there might have been something in it about him. “Can I read it?” 

He walked over to his side of the bed and handed it to her, then started taking off all his jewelry. 

“Knock yourself out, doll, and when you do, I don’t wanna hear no more complainin’ about why you can’t leave the house. The bitch is insane, even by my standards.”  

“Really?” Harley frowned, although she’d guessed as much.  

She arched an eyebrow, turning on the light, thumbing through the pages briefly while he changed into his sweatpants and climbed into the bed. When he settled in, she just looked at him. 

“What? You okay?” 

“Yeah.” Harley pouted. “I’m just waiting on my kiss, that’s all.” 

He smirked and leaned over to kiss her cheese dust covered lips, cupping her jaw.  

“You taste like Doritos.”  

“I know. Want some?” She offered him the bag.  

“You know I don’t, but even if I did, I could probably just eat the pile of fucking crumbs right here on the bed. Jesus, Harley.” Joker glared, pulling back the blanket where he saw bits of Doritos everywhere.   

Harley giggled softly.  

“Oh, I’m sorry, Puddin’, it was an accident. There was a scary part and I jumped and the bag flipped over. I thought I got it all.” 

“Well, you didn’t.” Joker got up annoyed and dusted off the sheets.  

“I’m sorry,” Harley pouted again. “But watch this!” 

He glanced up as she grabbed a chip from the bag and tossed it way up into the air out over the floor. Lou sprang up like a damn NBA player about to slam dunk the ball, near four feet in the air. He caught the chip in his mouth, landing and crunching on the delicious tortilla.  

“Jesus.” Joker chuckled at how high he’d jumped.  

“I know.” Harley threw another.  

Bud went after that one, striking a pose as he snapped his neck back to catch the chip.  

Harley grinned, and Joker shook his head.  

“Is this what you’ve been doing all night? Feedin’ em snacks?”  

She shrugged, popping her bottom lip. 

“Just a couple.”  

Joker blinked as Lou came trotting over to his side of the bed, staring up at him with those big golden eyes for a second time. 

“What now?” He asked. “I ain’t givin’ you no chips.” 

Lou pawed the blankets on the edge. 

“You ain’t gettin’ up here either, you mangy Mutt, or you wanna go out?” 

“I just let them out, and they already ate,” Harley replied, eating another chip. “He just wants you to pet him “  

Joker made face before he smirked and reached out and ruffled the fur on Lou’s head. Lou began panting and whined softly after a minute, propping himself up on the edge of the bed with his front paws to give Joker better access. Joker scratched his face, then behind his ears, only for Lou to then start growling himself and butting his head into Joker’s hand, biting it playfully. 

“Oh, I see. You think your tough boy?” He rubbed his jowls a little rougher, which egged Lou on.  

He started snapping at Joker’s hand, and soon they were play fighting, with Joker patting his face gently, jerking his hand back quickly everytime as Lou tried to bite it. He grinned when Lou did a jerking move, all riled up now. He gruffed and pitted his head down between his legs on the bed like he was poised to strike. Joker slowly reached out, Lou watching his every move, teeth bared, he patted the side of his face quickly again. Lou bit his hand lightly, then spun down off the bedside and darted off into the hallway.  

“The fuck?” Joker laughed, bewildered. 

“Uh oh, you done it now,” Harley shook her head, smiling softly. 

“What?”  

“Just watch.” She nodded to the door. 

There was a bunch of thumping as Lou ran up and down the stairs, returning with a thick rope toy in his mouth. He brought it to Joker and propped himself back up on the side of the bed again, dropping the toy in his lap. 

Joker frowned. 

“How the hell do they know to do all this stuff?” He asked, taking the rope. 

Harley shrugged. 

“I don’t know, but they’re smart.” She glanced at Bud on the floor all stretched out, content to nap while Joker threw the toy out the door and down the hall repeatedly so Lou could fetch it. The last time he returned, he got so excited he leapt straight up onto the bed onto Joker’s legs. 

Harley’s eyes widened, and she giggled when he started licking Joker’s face. 

“Ewww, no, get off.” Joker sneered, pushing his big head away.  

He threw the rope back out into the hallway so Lou would get down, but wound up getting trampled in the process. 

“Aww, he loves you, Puddin’.” Harley said, getting all squishy watching him play with the dogs he said he didn’t want. 

Joker muttered.  

“Where’s the other one?”  

“Over here, lounging on the pet bed.” Harley looked down at Bud again, smiling. “He’s too busy lounging to play.” 

Joker took the rope again when Lou came back and pet him more calmly for a minute to settle him down, then let the rope drop to the floor. Lou grabbed it and curled up right there next to Joker’s side of the bed with it. Harley leaned over and looked at Lou and smirked. 

“Hmm, I think sides were just chosen here, baby,” she said. 

“Huh?” Joker looked at her. 

“I think you’re his favorite.” 

He snorted.  

“Of course I am,” he said, arrogantly. 

Harley rolled her eyes. Joker smiled down at Lou. Lou looked back up at him with adoring, slobbery loyalty, and the rest was history. 

“Did you have much trouble getting this?” She asked about the file. 

“Nope, smooth sailing, actually.” 

“That’s good.” 

“Yeah.” 

He laid back with a yawn and folded his arms behind his head, watching as she pawed through the binder some more, flipping the pages. She skimmed a few lines and her mouth twisted.  

“Wow, Waller’s got her claws in everybody, you see this? She’s got surveillance on like, everyone. Even the Mayor’s secretary. Who cares what her lunch order is?” 

Joker shook his head.  

“I’m sure she’s got a reason...fucking bitch.” He felt a surge of anger roll through him.  

He glared as Harley flipped to another page covered in blacked-out lines. “What do you think’s under here?” 

Joker gave a careless shrug.  

“Unless it helps me find her, I don’t care. I’m sick of thinking about this cunt.”  

She chuckled, and on that note, closed the binder and set it on the nightstand, along with her bag ofDoritoss. 

“Good then you can think of me instead,” she said, reaching over to caress his arm. “Cuddle with me, daddy,” she whined softly. 

Joker gave her an unlikely look. 

“In your pocket full of crumbs? I don’t think so.” 

She sulked. 

“There ain’t that many.” 

Joker hissed like he was annoyed even though he wasn’t and crawled over to her. Harley squirmed closer and kissed him while sliding her arm over his hip. He pushed her back into the pillows, bringing his hand up to cup her cheek and they made out for a few minutes until he had to pull back before it went too far. Fuck if he was gonna be doing all that again right now, and if she thought differently, then she was on her own, especially after what she did to him earlier. 

 “It’s just a shame, all that trouble and not a single juicy secret about you,” Harley huffed. 

Joker shook his head.  

“Maybe it ain’t worth knowing, detective. Maybe you wouldn’t wanna know. Did you think of that?” 

She gave a short laugh. 

“No, baby, trust me. I wanna know.” 

“Well, I don’t.” 

“You don’t?” She looked up at him, brushing his hair back. 

“No, I told you.” He frowned. “Why go rooting through dead memories? I got enough shit to worry about in the present.” 

“Mmm, are you sure it’s not maybe because you’re scared to know?”  

Joker sighed.  

“What is it with you thinkin’ I’m scared of everything?”  

“What is it with you thinkin’ it’s the end of the world if you are scared of at least one thing?”  

Joker stared at her flatly.  

“Look, babe, there are things I’m scared of, alright? But it ain’t gonna do me no good to sit around dwelling on them, especially stuff like that.” 

“Yeah, but you can be scared with me.” She stroked his sides, gazing up into his eyes. 

Joker smirked.  

“Well, I appreciate that, doctor, but I’m not scared...I just think in this instance, the jack should probably stay in the box, don’t you?”  

Harley caressed his face some more. 

“If you think so, baby.”  

“No, I think we both know so. So what movie will we be falling asleep to? Because it’s four in the morning and daddy is wore out, honey.”  

Harley grinned. 

“I was watching Insidious.” 

“By yourself?” He asked, smiling, impressed, since she could barely make it through it even with him watching it with her. 

“Yeah.”  

“What a way to give yourself more nightmares, doll.” 

“I know, but it’s good movie.” 

“Yeah, it is.” He agreed. “Well, turn it on then.” 

Harley reached over to turn out the light, then grabbed the remote and snuggled into his side. Joker shifted, pulling the blanket up and wrapping his arms around her as she curled up beneath his arm, practically climbing on top of him. Lou let out a content sigh from the floor, already half-asleep with his rope, and Bud barely stirred on the pet bed. The room settled into a quiet warmth, the only glow coming from the TV. 

Harley tucked her head beneath Joker’s chin and pressed play. The Insidious logo flashed, and the familiar, creepy score filled the darkness. For a moment, they just lay there, listening to the soundtrack. Joker’s hand found her hip, absently tracing lazy circles through the soft fabric of her shirt. Harley nuzzled his chest and neck, whispering softly.  

 “I love you, Joker.” 

“I love you to, doll.” 

Chapter Text

2 Months Later

“You sure you don’t wanna come in with me and get a haircut?”

Harley and Joker were parked in front of her favorite salon in his lambo, since he was being an absolute sweetheart lately and had decided to drop her off personally. She didn’t know if it was all her therapy finally kicking in, or him finally accepting that they were endgame soulmates here, but she had seen more of him the last couple of months than she thought she had their entire relationship, and she was loving it.

It finally felt like he was as obsessed with her as much as she was with him, and as per usual, she didn’t know what to do with herself.

They had barely been arguing lately, and he was always kissing and loving and cuddling on her. The file situation seemed to be over, and they had settled into a new routine the last couple of months that came dangerously close to her living her dream life.

…except one thing.

She still wasn’t allowed to go anywhere by herself yet.

According to Joker, it was still ‘too risky’ for her to be out alone, since they still hadn’t found Waller. On the one hand, she was getting annoyed and going a little stir crazy from this, having to sit at home all the time, but on the other, when he did get back from whatever he’d been out doing all day, Joker spent most of his evening with her. And he’d been taking her on a lot of dates lately – to dinner, back to the roller rink, to the movies. She swore he was turning into prince charming on her, or his version of it anyway, and so she did her best not to complain, but sometimes it was hard.

Because even with Bud and Lou to keep her company, and Ivy having been over a few times, and them going to Hacienda most nights, she still wanted to be out there doing her old job again, enforcing the streets, feeling useful, but it was hard to tell when or even if that was gonna happen again. As far as she could tell, Joker seemed to like her being in isolation.

“Are you saying I need one? Cause you seemed pretty happy with it when you were yanking on it this morning, doll,” he replied.

She grinned.

“No,” she combed the thick strands with her fingers. “I’m just saying, I think if it keeps falling in your eyes like this you’re gonna develop a tick or something brushing it back so much.”

He stared at her from behind his aviators.

“Harley, if you think I’m going in there and listening to a bunch of hens peck about their husbands and their weight, it ain’t gonna happen.”

“That’s what you think we talk about?” She rolled her eyes.

“Isn’t it?”

She shrugged.

 “Sometimes.”

“Yeah, see? I have my own barber, thanks.”

She continued to caress his cheek, staring at him thoughtfully. “Fine, but you should still grow your eyebrows out.”

Joker sighed.

“And why would I do that?”

“’Cause, I know you wanna look all scary and dramatic, and you say eyebrows giveaway too much, but I think you’d look extra adorable if you did.”

He snorted.

“Well, that’s the thing, baby, I’m not going for extra adorable, am I? I’m going for evil son of a bitch.”

Harley chuckled softly.

 “And since when did you become my fashion consultant?” Joker asked.

She shrugged.

“Since I got stuck at home with nothing to do but watch makeover shows, and you became my little love bug.”

“Jesus.” Joker muttered, scrunching his face at the cutesy term. “Well, you’re out of the house now, ain’t ya? And isn’t it time for your appointment? I’ll be back to get you in two hours.”

“Puddin’, I can just text you when I’m done, you know,” Harley groaned, gathering her things.

Joker chuckled.

“Yeah, I know you would like that, but I don’t think so, doll. I’ll be back in two hours.”

“Fine. Mr. Controlfreak.” She glared at him. “But I ain’t gonna go nowhere.”

“Yeah, I know, you better not, because I have to go across town, and if I come back and you're not here? Your ass is gonna be sore when I find you, I promise you.”

“Whatever.” She rolled her eyes again.

“Excuse me?” Joker frowned. “Don’t start being a brat, honey. I’ll take you right back home and still make good on that promise.”

She broke into a smile then.

“Babyyy, don’t go gettin’ me all hot before I go in there.” She rubbed his arm through his purple button up.

Joker smiled and pulled a band of cash out of his pocket.

“Here, babe, this should cover it.” He held it out to her.

Harley stared at the stack of money, frowning.

“How much is that?”

“Ten grand. Why?” Joker asked. “Is that not enough?”

“Uh…” Harley raised an eyebrow and then took it and tossed it in her purse. “No, you’re right that should cover it.”

She leaned over and kissed him long and good.

“Mm, thank you baby, I love you.”

“I love you to,” Joker replied, making her heart flip. “Now get the fuck out of my car.”

She giggled as she opened the door, carrying her cappuccino and her purse. Joker watched her go inside, hesitating on leaving the parking lot though. He stayed a couple extra minutes to scan the surrounding area, still nervous for her to be out by herself, but it was only for a couple of hours, and he had a meeting to get to, so reluctantly, he left.

Inside the salon, Candace, Harley’s nail person was waiting for her when she breezed in, wearing a pair of faded high-waisted jeans slashed at both knees with patches of fishnets sewn haphazardly underneath. Her black knee high boots gave her at least an extra four inches of height, and her cropped yellow t-shirt showed a bit of skin beneath her long black sequined cardigan. Meanwhile, her hair flowed down her shoulders with fresh highlights of blue and pink.

“Oh, there you are bitch!” Candace called, giving a dirty look. “I know you haven’t been ghosting me for another nail tech.”

Harley smiled brightly and bounced over, hugging her.

 “Candyyyy, you know I wouldn’t do that. You think I’d trust these claws to anyone else?”

“Uh-huh.” Candace smirked and glanced out the window as Joker pulled away.

“Oh shit, was that the infamous Mr. J that just dropped you off?”

“Yep, that’s Puddin.” Harley chuckled. “He decided to be nice today and bring me himself. Even I can’t believe it.”

Candace laughed as they sat down, both slurping from their coffees.

“That why you haven’t been around? You too busy with your man? Or did you get your ass sent back to Arkham again?” She took Harley’s hands in hers and inspected them.

“Ugh, worse. I got sent to prison for a little bit.”

 Candace snorted and feigned shock. “Prison?! You? Who would’ve thought?!”

Harley laughed. “Yeah. It’s a long story, but Puddin’ finally busted me out, so I want something special today. Like, ‘my man is obsessed with me and I love it’ kind of special.”

“Oh, I know you do,” Candace said, getting out her buffer. “You want me to wing it, or you got a vision?”

Harley shrugged.

“Just gimme the baddest claws you can make, covered in purple and green rhinestones, and then can you spell out ‘JOKER’ on them or something? I want him to be able to see ‘em from across the club.”

Candace cackled. “Bitch you are ate up. Okay, but you know it’ll take me an hour just to glue all that shit on though, right? Can your adhd ass sit still that long?”

“Yep.” Harley nodded. “It’ll be worth it, and I missed you, Candy. We can catch up.”

“I missed you too, trouble.” She smiled. “You wanna go get a drink tonight?”

Harley’s face lit up, and her mouth opened about to say yes, but then it fell when she remembered she couldn’t.

“No,” she sulked. “I can’t. But I want to, trust me.”

“Why the hell not?” Candace frowned.

Harley rolled her eyes.

“Cause’… J’s got me under lock and key right now.” She sighed. “He’s being all paranoid thinkin’ someone’s gonna kidnap me again.”

“Kidnap you?!” Candace’s eyes widened before she laughed. “Honey, you didn’t say nothin’ about no kidnapping.”

Harley chuckled.

“Yeah, well, like I said, it’s a long story.”

“But he let you come here?”

She nodded.

“Probably because he’s the one who dropped me off. He’ll probably be sitting outside half the time, making sure nobody breathes on me.”

Candace started cracking up, because as usual, she couldn’t tell if Harley was angry or happy about that.

“I think he’s just using it as an excuse to keep me to himself. Which, y’know…is kinda cute, but it’s also making me antsy. Like, I can’t even go to the fucking bodega without a full security detail now.”

Candance shook her head.

“Mm, mm, mm...Harley, you and this man, never a dull moment,” she grinned. “But I guess that’s what happens when you’re with the most wanted man in Gotham, huh?”

Harley smiled softly.

“Yeah, and he’s been so good to me lately. I shouldn’t complain, and I never thought I’d get bored of all the pampering, but I miss doing shit. Causing chaos, knocking heads. These nails are the only dangerous thing I’m allowed to have anymore.” She pouted.

“Well, don’t worry.” Candace grinned. “You're about to have the deadliest claws in the city.”

Across Town

Joker didn’t do jewelry stores...not unless he was robbing one.

He had a guy though, for several years now, named Paolo, that worked out of a penthouse above an old art gallery. No walk-ins, private clientele, no questions.

Paolo had made nearly every custom piece he and Harley owned because his work was exceptional, and he could get his hands on any gem you wanted.

So, as Joker rode up the private elevator with that in mind, his heart was pounding, and his mind was racing.

He kept telling himself this wasn’t a big deal. That it was just a shiny little idea he’d have sitting inside his pocket. A just-in-case he could throw in the safe and forget all about if he wanted to and nobody would ever be the wiser.

...but he knew it was more than that.

He was so fucking in love with Harley at this point it felt like he had become addicted to her. He’d been spending every moment he could wallowing in her and her affections, binging on them like he was goddamn starved, and maybe he was.

He’d been fighting her off for so long, trying to exist inside a cold, emotionless vacuum, that now that he’d gotten a good taste of what she was offering, he couldn’t get enough of how he felt when he was with her.

It also didn’t help she made everyday feel like they were stuck inside this big warm cocoon together. Somehow, she’d gone from getting on his nerves to soothing them. Helping him relax instead of constantly being on edge, which in turn put him more on edge, but then she took care of that to.

He was fucking losing himself in her just like he knew he would, but he couldn’t bring himself to care anymore because he loved it, and her, and he was tired of fighting it, and he wanted more, even with all the reasons why he thought it was a bad idea still in the back of his mind. He’d been ignoring them like she’d suggested, and in doing so, he’d discovered when they told him he was threatening his own survival letting this happen, it was all fucking lies.

He'd been doing exactly the opposite of what they said for two months now, and nothing catastrophic had happened. When it came to work, it was still just the same old, same old. Same shit just on a different day. Waller was still out there, yeah, and so were all the other people that he knew would like to see his head on a platter, but the only thing that really changed was that he was, dare he say it – happy now?

That had made him stop and seriously question whether it had been in his head the entire time. Because things were nowhere near as terrible and as life threatening as he imagined they would be, which was a relief, but it also made him angry.

Harley had told him not to get overwhelmed by guilt, but more often than not he still found himself thinking about the horrible things he’d done to her and how he’d treated her, and he felt so bad and ashamed he’d wind up drinking himself stupid.

The sheer amount of time he’d made them waste being cold and dismissive to her, ignoring her, making her feel like a sidekick and a piece of property. Sometimes he would just look at her and wonder why the fuck she was still there, even if she’d already told him it was because she loved him. It felt weird to him to have someone love him at all, let alone like she did - damn near unconditionally. He knew he didn’t deserve it, but damned if he didn’t want it, and he was fighting himself internally everyday to make sure he could have it.

So many times he’d felt like he wanted to push her away again, sometimes to protect her from him hurting her anymore, and others so she couldn’t hurt him. But then he’d remember that the whole reason he was letting her in at all was because she wasn’t hurting him. Honestly the whole back and forth was so damn exhausting, and he felt so exposed and insecure a lot of the time, something he was not used to and quite frankly found disturbing. But all the guilt had left him desperately wanting to make it all up to her and prove he was gonna keep treating her better.

His rationale was that maybe he could try to fill their lives with so many new good memories the old bad ones would fade for her or something and he could redeem himself. Hence why he was pacing in the small showroom now, hands in his pockets, a jumble of nerves with his jaw clenched tight.

Paolo didn’t say much, but then he never did. He just waited, always the professional, never phased by the weird requests or the fact that sometimes Joker showed up with blood on him. Today, he was squeaky clean, but also extremely nervous, something Paolo had never seen before.

His usual swagger was nowhere to be found, and he kept fiddling with the silver skull ring on his pinky Paolo had also made, tapping a rhythm that betrayed the riot going on inside his head. He was trying to play it cool, but Paolo had fitted too many custom chains and diamond watches on the Clown Prince not to know when something was off.

Joker glanced around the sparkling showcases while his insides ate themselves, until finally he decided to stop being a bitch and just spit the words out.

 “Okay, look, I need a ring, Paolo,” he said, almost hoarse. “Not just any ring, either. You know what I mean? Diamond, but it’s gotta be...Harley.”

Paolo’s lips twitched at the intensity and labored breathing that accompanied the request as he stared at Joker over his glasses.

 “I already had a feeling,” he said, and went in to the back room.

He returned with a sparkling array of loose stones on a black velvet tray.

 “Black and red.” He motioned to it. “But.” He held up a finger. “You should know, red diamond—real red, natural? Rarest in world. We’re talking maybe a couple per year, worldwide. Price? Seven figures, easy, just for a decent-sized one. One carat? Could be a million, maybe more. Ten carat? Forget about it.”

Joker whistled, eyes dropping and peering over the assortment.

“So, what are these then?” He gestured at the sparkling red ones. “Rubies?”

“No, still diamonds, but treated. “That means they started out another color—brown, gray, whatever—and got turned red by either high pressure, heat, or a bit of zapping, you know? Is still diamond. It test like a diamond, but the colors man-made. Looks incredible, and fraction of price.” Paolo tapped one with his finger. “This? Runs you twenty, thirty, maybe fifty grand if you want it big.”

Joker narrowed his eyes. “People gonna know?”

Paolo shook his head. “Nobody on the street. Only diamond geeks with microscope and lab like me could tell.”

 “And those?” He pointed to another bigger red one that was clear as day.

“That one's lab-grown. You can get red, you can get black, blue, whatever. They’re real diamonds, just made in months instead of millions of years. Still pricey, but nowhere near a natural. A carat of red lab? Maybe ten, fifteen grand. Big as you want, as red as you want.”

“So, for a million bucks, you’re saying I could put a ten-carat rock on her finger, all blood red?” Joker tilted his head.

Paolo smirked, nodding. “Absolutely, give or take. Treated or lab, we can go huge. But if you want it natural, it’s gonna be small.”

Joker nodded for a minute, then shook his head.

“I don’t know, Paolo. I don’t want my girl wearing fake shit. As good as it looks.”

Paolo nodded, not offended, just amused since he got that reaction all the time.

“I understand, it’s not fake, though, J. Lab stones are real diamonds. Atom for atom, same as the ones in the ground. Only the snobs and the guys getting a cut on the resale care. But if you want a real one, a natural red, it’s not just money, it’s luck, and you’d be getting a pebble, not a boulder.”

Joker blinked, chewing his lip a little. Something primal in him did want to go big, to give Harley a rock on her finger that would make every other bitch in Gotham faint from jealousy. But the other part wanted it to be practical. He knew she was gonna wear this thing – if he did give it to her, and that was a big if – every single fucking day no matter what she was doing and never take it off probably, so it had to make sense for everyday use.

A huge diamond was nice, and he could afford it, and she definitely deserved it, but he also wanted it to be more personal than him just putting a big hunk of rock on a ring and throwing it at her. He’d already been doing that type of thing for three years, throwing gifts at her and all it wound up doing was making her feel cheap, apparently, and this was kind of a big deal.

He wanted her to know how much thought he put into it– if he gave it to her. It was gonna change everything again, and he wanted it to be a reminder to her everyday of how he planned to treat her from now on.

“What about the black diamonds?” He tapped the tray where a few were laying.

“Natural black?” Paolo asked. “Easier. Fancy black diamonds, plenty big, still rare but not bank-breaking. You want accents, I’ll make it happen, real stones, guaranteed. I can encrust the whole band, black and white, or just black. Hell, throw a few blood rubies or even the treated reds if you want more color.”

“And if I go natural for red accents? What’s the biggest you can get?”

Paolo exhaled, almost apologetic because he could see Joker really wanted that.

 “If you want a real natural red, biggest you’ll see is maybe half a carat, maybe one carat if you’re lucky and you don’t care if it’s got inclusions. It’ll still run you half a mil easy, and you’ll wait a year, maybe two, just for the right one to turn up. But you want it now, you want it big, go lab, go treated. Nobody but you two will ever know the difference.”

Joker sighed, weighing his ego against what he thought Harley would actually want and be comfortable with wearing. But then he figured she was gonna die just because he gave her the damn thing in the first place, and so was he, probably.

Meanwhile, Paolo waited, respectful and silent, as if he’d seen this dilemma a thousand times.

“Okay, what kind of rings you got to put these things in? Maybe that’ll make it easier to decide. You got anything black gold? I was wanting this thing to look like a red or a black rose. That’s why I wanted the red diamond.”

Paolo smiled. “Ah, now we are getting somewhere.”

He pulled a binder of sketches out and started flipping through to the nature-inspired ones.

Joker turned through the designs, each one more intricate and wild than the last, until finally he landed on one that caught his interest.

“Wait, wait, what’s this one?”

The ring on the sketch was shaped like twisted vines that curled elegantly around the finger, and there were two actual sculpted black roses that sat at the top right and bottom left of the spot where the main diamond would sit in the center, then each rose held a spot for a smaller diamond.

“Yes, this is a good one, and I can do black gold.” Paolo nodded. “Gives it a midnight shine.”

Joker stared at the sketch, hand hovering above the paper.

“Okay, but what’s the biggest diamond you can set in the center of this thing though?”

“For this? 5 carat at the most,” Paolo replied.

Joker ran a hand over his face, starting to get overwhelmed now. Because how big was big enough? How big was too big? How big did it need to be to say I’m sorry for being such a bastard please forgive me even if you already did.

Where the fuck were those rings at?

“Okay.” He shook his head and scratched the back, getting the feeling he better finish this before he lost his nerve. “Can you line the vines with more diamonds though?”

“Of course.”

“Then, how about this? A five carat round cut white diamond in the center, and then those red treated ones in the roses, and make the rest white with the black gold band. Is that doable?”

“Absolutely,” Paolo smiled. “I’m sure she will love it.”

Joker puffed out his cheeks.

“Yeah, let’s hope. And just throw the best of everything on it, alright? I don’t care what it costs.” He frowned.

“You got it, J. Any special time frame you need this by? Paolo asked.

Joker got an even warier look.

“Uh...no, look, why don’t you just take your time, Paolo, and keep it quiet. I mean, I know you will, just...for the love of god don’t tell anyone,” he said, as the realization he was actually having a fucking engagement ring made set in.

Paolo smiled.

“Of course, J. You know I’m discreet. You want updates or just a call when it’s done?”

Joker shrugged, shoving his hands in his pockets again, shaking his head as he walked out, because he didn’t want to think about it anymore. “Just call me,” he turned to leave. “Thanks, Paolo.”

Back At The Salon

Joker pulled up outside the salon again exactly two hours after dropping Harley off.

She came strutting out with a wicked grin on her face, making him question what she was up to. When she got in the car, he took one look at the massive freddy kreuger knives on her fingers covered in wall to wall green and royal purple rhinestones and started giggling.

“Fucking hell, babe.”

“What?”

“You planning to haunt my dreams with those things tonight?”

She smiled and reached over and trailed the tips of them down his cheek and neck, grinning when he visibly shivered. “Mm, no, baby, I’m planning to make them all come true.”

“Christ.” Joker stared at her heavily. “More scars for my back I guess.”

“That’s right,” she purred. “Like ‘em?”

He smirked and took her hand and examined the nails more closely, getting off on how his name was spelled out on each one in gold rhinestones - one letter per nail.

“Mm, enough to take you out to eat I guess,” he said, and leaned over and kissed her.

Harley’s eyes sparkled. “Really?! Good, because I’m hungry.”

He brushed his thumb over her knuckles before sliding his fingers through hers. “Pick somewhere, doll.”

Harley didn’t even hesitate.

“I want pasta. A big bowl, with garlic bread and extra cheese.”

He snickered for a long second.

“You and your damn garlic bread, baby,” he said, backing the car up.

“I like my garlic bread.” She pouted.

“Mm, I know you do.” He stroked her hand with his thumb. “And I’m gonna get you some.”

They sped through the city, daylight still burning.

Harley could not make up her mind where she wanted to go, though. All she knew was that she wanted to try somewhere new. Eventually she settled on an old Italian joint tucked between a pawn shop and a tattoo parlor neither of them had been to before.

 Inside, the place was barren of customers, but the air was thick with garlic and Sinatra. Joker figured whatever they ordered would probably come packed with some extra protein from all the roaches in the back to, considering it was a shithole. But Harley didn’t seem care. She made a beeline for a rounded booth in the back, sliding in with a giddy little wiggle. Joker smiled and accepted their fate and sat next to her, eyeing her with amusement while a tired waiter came over.

The girl blinked once in recognition of who they were, then without missing a beat, skipped the small talk and any attempt at a smile and got straight to the order.

“What’ll ya have?”

Harley ordered pasta primavera and a plate of garlic bread, with extra butter, please. While Joker got a plate of meatballs.

“What were you doing the last couple of hours?” Harley asked, once they got their drinks, sipping her coke through her straw.

Joker shrugged, leaning back in his spot, although his pulse spiked.

“Told you, I had a meeting.”

“I know that,” she eyed him, “but with who?”

He smiled lazily.

 “Boring people about boring things, sweetheart.”

Harley rolled her eyes, glaring.

“Fine. Don’t tell me then.” She stuck her tongue out.

“I wasn’t planning to.”

She pursed her lips, and Joker smiled and leaned over and kissed her.

“Baby, all you need to know is that daddy is here taking care of you. The rest is details.”

“Yeah, well, daddy, I’m starting to get bored sitting around doing nothing all day.”

Joker rolled his eyes.

“Harley, you’ll survive. You know how many people wish they could sit around and do nothing all day?”

Then he changed the subject, as usual.

 “How the hell are you planning on doing anything with those?” He nodded to her nails again.

“Well, it ain’t like there’s much to do.”

He sighed.

“I was talking about getting dressed and wiping your ass.”

She snorted, nearly spitting out her drink before smiling at him.

“I’ll manage, Puddin. Don’t worry.”

“If you say so.”

She looked around the place a little more.

 “The waitress was a bit standoffish, wasn’t she?” She asked, frowning.

Joker shrugged.

“What do you expect, Harley? You picked a dump. She’s probably seen more murders than us.”

She giggled some more and Joker smiled.

“Ugh, Puddin’, stop making me laugh. I have to pee.” She whined and squeezed her legs together.

 “So go to the bathroom,” he said. “You plannin’ on holding it the whole meal? We ain’t even got any food yet.”

“I know, but I don’t know where it is.” Harley pouted, leaning into him.

“Jesus. It’s right there.” He pointed. “Where that big red sign is that says, ‘restroom.”

“Okay, I’ll be right back.”

 “Okay, well, I might still be here.”

He laughed as she shot him a glare - just a little joke about all the times he’d ditched her on their other dates in the beginning.

“Whatever, that’s fine.” She got up and walked off. “But we both know I’ll find your ass. And I know where you live.”

“Ain’t that the fucking truth.” He took a drink of the weird tasting water he’d been served.

While she was gone, the bread came as well. Joker just shook his head, because it was basically a whole goddamn loaf. He’d bet any amount of money she’d eat most if not all of it too. Then she’d be comatose for the rest of the afternoon, but whatever made her happy. That was his new motto.

He pulled out his phone and started checking texts until she came back, throwing up her hands when she got to the table.

“What? You decided to stay?...Oh! Yay! The bread!” She plopped back down beside him and grabbed a slice, gnawing on it happily.

“Might as well, I know when I’m beat.” Joker watched her nearly orgasm over the butter smothered carbs. “No point when I’m up against T-1000.”

Harley grinned around her mouthful.

“Well, you know, I’m glad that we’re finally on the same page, and you realize resistance is futile.”

“Yeah, I also realize if you keep eating like that I’m gonna have to roll you outta here,” he said, as she demolished the bread like it was her last meal.

She shrugged, licking butter off her thumb. “If you do, make sure it’s somewhere with dessert. I want cake after this. And don’t be jealous because your diet sucks.” She waved a piece temptingly in front of him. “You sure you don’t want some?”

“No, I’ll pass.” Joker made a face at the bread.

“Fine, but you don’t know what you’re missin’.” She turned her head and kissed his red lips, leaving butter all over them.

“I know exactly what I’m missin’, and that’s why you can have it.” Joker licked his lips.

“Don’t worry, I will.”

And she did.

She was about three slices in when the real food arrived, but to Joker’s surprise, it wasn’t half bad.

“Did you see that tattoo shop next door? Wanna get a tattoo after this? You can get my name on you,” Harley said, smiling.

Joker chewed a meatball.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

“Yeah, I would, considering I got a big fucking tattoo on my back that says property of Joker on it, among other things.”

He smirked.

“That’s because you are mine, doll.”

“Yeah, well, you’re mine to.” She frowned. “So you should get one that says ‘Property of Harley’ then.”

Joker laughed softly.

“Too bad I got a big fucking dragon tattoo on my back, and my chest and arms are pretty full, huh?”

She rolled her eyes.

“You got room, Puddin’.”

“Where? My ass?”

She giggled evilly.

“That sounds like the perfect place. I’ll even do it myself, if you want.”

Joker shook his head.

“What so you can put unicorns and hearts on it or some shit? I don’t think so.”

“One unicorn wouldn’t kill ya.”

“No.”

“And why not?”

“Because.”

“Because....?” She waited for a good excuse. “You got a good reason why you can’t?”

“Other than that I don’t want to?”

“You don’t want to?” She said, and then her bitchy glare made an appearance while she stabbed more noodles with her fork.

“No, I don’t,” Joker repeated.

“Oh, I see, but you think I wanted this big fucking brand mark on me?”

“Yeah I do, and don’t act like you didn’t. I didn’t hold you down and force you to get it, babe.”

“No,” she admitted, “but you did make it one of your tests for me to prove that I loved you, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, and you did.”

“Exactly, so what are you planning on doing for me?”

He chuckled.

“In addition to everything I’m already doing?”

“Yeah,” Harley stared while licking her fork.

Joker gave her a look.

“Harley, don’t pretend like you don’t love that fucking tattoo.” He glared. “Because you might call me a controlfreak, but you like it and you know it. You might bitch about it, but you love me telling you what to do.”

“Maybe,” she shrugged. “But sometimes you take it too far, Joker.”

Joker shook his head.

“Baby, look, I know your sick of sitting at home and I’m sorry about that. I really am. But I’m doing my best here. I’ve been trying to take you out as much as possible, but I can only do so much. I’m trying to make sure everything stays running while following leads on Waller and spending time with you. But I’m only one person. And I’ve been turning over every rock trying to find this bitch, but it’s like she vanished off the planet.”

Harley smirked.

“Maybe she did. I wouldn’t put it past her to have her own space station or something.”

She sighed and looked over at him.

“I’m sorry Puddin’, I know you’re trying.”

Joker wiped his mouth.

“Harley, I don’t like this either. You have no idea how much it pisses me off that she’s dictating our lives like this, but she’s a sneaky cunt, and I don’t trust her not to be waiting for me to let my guard down. Now you read the file. She’s up to something, or there’s something else going on I haven’t figured out yet.”

“You’re probably right,” Harley agreed, as much as it pained her to.

“Then can you please just be patient until I figure it out?”

“Fine,” she replied, moping.

Joker leaned over and kissed her softly.

“Eat your bread.”

XxX

After they finished eating, they exited the restaurant and Harley started back to the car, but then she felt a tug on her hand.

“I thought we were getting tattoos,” Joker said, reeling her back.

“Huh?” She frowned. “You said you didn’t want to.”

“Well, I changed my mind. Come on.” He pulled her inside.

The bell on the tattoo shop door jingled as they walked in. The vibe was immediately different than the restaraunt—no sticky floors, no flickering lights, just clean, art covered surfaces and the hum of a tattoo gun in the back.

The place looked good, and Harley clocked the walls covered with bright, crisp flash sheets. They barely made it three steps in before the girl at the counter snapped her gum and did a double take.

“Holy shit. Happy!” She whispered with a hiss, smacking the tall muscular guy beside her who was half asleep in the shoulder.

He jerked awake and glared at her until she motioned to the front, her gaze darting between Joker’s unmistakable mug, and Harley’s grin. Happy’s eyes widened and he got up cautiously.

“Uh, hi, how can I help you?” He asked.

“I need to get a tattoo.” Joker smiled, like a knife’s edge.

The staff scrambled in the back, clearing a station in record time, looking at eachother terrified.

“Uh, sure.” Happy smiled, trying to be cool. “Come on back. Do you know what you want?”

Joker and Harley followed him, and Joker dropped into the seat like he owned it and jerked his chin toward Harley.

“Ask her, I’m just the canvas.”

Happy looked to Harley, but she was too busy frowning at him in shock.

“Puddin...”

“What?”

Harley sighed.

“Baby, you don’t have to do this because of what I said earlier.”

Joker chuckled. Because she said that like she had left him any choice and he wasn’t feeling extremely fucking guilty right now.

“Just pick a tattoo, Harley.”

She huffed again.

“Are you sure?”

Joker smiled.

“I wouldn’t be in the seat if I wasn’t, doll.”

Harley looked at him a little longer, feeling guilty herself now for a moment and like she had forced him into this, but then she shrugged as a sliver of revenge grabbed a hold.

“Okay then,” she said, in disbelief he was doing this.

“You got a design ready, or do you want to look through some flash?” Happy asked.

Harley laughed, adrenaline lighting her up from the inside out now.

 “Oh no, I know exactly what I want. You got a piece of paper?”

Joker watched as Happy went to retrieve it for her. She looked back at him again as the guilt circled its way back.

“Puddin’. I wasn’t trying to force you into anything,” she said.

“You’re not,” Joker replied, since it didn’t matter at this point.

He already felt bad, and he knew he was gonna keep feeling bad to unless he did this to make it right, so either way this ended with him getting ink.

She sat down in the chair next to him and took the notebook and the pen Happy brought back and started drawing, tongue between her teeth, completely in her element.

Joker turned his attention on Happy.

“You the best one in here?”

Happy nodded.

“Good. ‘Cause if it looks fucked, so are you.”

Happy let out a nervous chuckle, but he didn’t argue, just shuffled back to prepping like his life depended on it, which, to be fair, it did.

The other staff watched from the corners, most pretending to be fake-busy, but secretly way too interested in the spectacle.

Harley was hunched over the notepad totally focused, the pen scratching quick and confident lines. When she was done, she held the drawing out so only she could see it from afar.

“Yep, I think this is it.”

“Let me see that.” Joker took the notebook, looking the design over.

“Hey, you said it was whatever I wanted, don’t go backing out now.”

“I’m not. That’s what you want?”

“Yep.”

He stared at the large heart with a smaller baseball bat and a lipstick kiss beside it in the bottom right. Inside the heart it said, ‘Property of Harley,’ but the ‘A’ in her name was replaced by a diamond. He handed it back, but said nothing.

Harley grinned as she leaned over him and explained some things to Happy.

“So the outlines need to be black of course, and then the shading along the edges of the heart inside need to be red, and the diamond here is red. The lip print is red, and the bat is brown.

“No problem,” Happy replied. “How big would you like it?”

Harley glanced at Joker with another satisfied smile.

“Oh, a 4x4 should do nicely.”

Joker clenched his jaw as Happy walked off to print the stencil.

“Harley, where the fuck is that gonna go?” Joker asked.

She laughed maniacally.

“Oh, baby, you already know the answer to that. It was your idea.”

“Harley, no,” Joker shook his head.

“Well, it’s either that, or up top somewhere where everybody can see it.”

“How about on my leg or something?”

“Yeah, nope.” She smiled. “Wanna know why? Because I own your ass now to.” She glared. “So get used to it.”

Joker ran a hand over his face.

“Well, I don’t want this guy touching my ass.”

She shrugged.

“Too late now. Told you I’d do it, but you didn’t want to.”

Joker chuckled tightly.

“God, I hate you.”

Harley grinned.

“I hate you to, Puddin’.” She kissed him.

Happy came back with the stencil and Joker sighed.

“And where are we putting this for you today?”

Harley beamed.

“Oh, that’ll be going on his left cheek.”

“Oh,” Happy started, looking at Joker’s face in surprise. “Uh…you want it straight on or tilted?”

She broke into giggles while Joker glared at her.

“Actually, it’s the other cheek,” Harley managed.

“Oh, okay, no problem, I’ll just…”

He got closer and started measuring it up to Joker’s right cheek instead.

Harley was dying laughing.

“She’s talking about my left asscheek, you imbecile.” Joker finally hissed.

“Oh.” Happy stepped back, frowning. “OH!”

“Yep.” She was in tears.

He blinked.

“Well, in that case, you’ll probably want to go into the other room then, there’s a better table.”

“Probably.” Joker snapped.

They got up and followed the guy to another empty room where there was a massage table.

“Just uh, go ahead and get undressed, lay flat on your belly there and I’ll be back in a few minutes with the supplies.”

Joker’s face was priceless as the door closed, and he and Harley were left alone.

“I hope you’re enjoying this,” he said, unbuttoning his shirt.

“Oh, I am, baby, you have no idea,” she continued to laugh.

She took his shirt and the rest of his clothes and folded them into a neat little pile, then pulled a spare chair up next to his head, covering his plump little tush with a towel.

“The shit that I do for you,” he mumbled, face stuck in the round hole.

Harley laughed softly and pet his hair and caressed his back.

“Yeah, and the shit I do for you, Puddin’… cheer up, this is a great piece I came up with. Also, I dare you to tattoo a clown face on that guy when we’re done.”

Joker broke into a grin.

“Gladly, but you’ll have to go to my car and get some rope. He’s a big son of a bitch.”

“Okay.”

Xxx

Later, when they arrived home, Harley and Joker walked up the front steps together and Joker frowned at all the packages that were piled up beside the door.

“What the fuck’s all this?”

“Oh! This is the stuff I ordered from Amazon,” Harley squealed.

Joker blinked, then zeroed in on her.

“All this?!”

Because there were at least twenty fucking packages sitting there, and one of them was huge.

“What? It’s just a couple things, Puddin’.” Harley stacked the boxes in her arms. “Can you get that one?” She smiled at him sweetly.

Joker looked at the box in question. It was the big one, and for a moment, it seemed like he was gonna say something else, but instead he just slowly went and picked it up and found it weighed as big as it looked.

“What the hell is in this? Bricks?” He grunted, hoisting it up on his shoulder.

“No, that must be all my books.” She grinned. “Can you take them up to the library for me?”

Joker hissed and rolled his eyes, staring flatly as she tried to get in the door with all the other shit in her hands. She managed to do it, but not without dropping a few things that she wound up kicking the rest of the way inside, only to stack them up again on the wooden sideboard cabinet by the stairs.

“What?” Harley whined as he fixed her with another look.

“Let me ask you something.” Joker glared. “How much did all this shit cost?”

She popped her lips.

“Well, not that much, Puddin’.” She ran her nails down his chest. “It was just a little retail therapy.”

“Retail therapy,” he repeated, flatly.

“Uh, yeah, you know, because I can’t go to the store?”

Joker snorted as muttered and hauled the giant box upstairs without saying anything else. Harley watched him go with a smirk, then went to go get Bud and Lou out.

“Oh babies! Mommy’s back!” She called, heading to the utility room.

Whimpers filled the house, and as soon as she opened the cage door, the hyenas came barreling out, tripping over each other to get to her first. The three of them got about as far as the living room before Harley dropped down onto the floor, letting them slobber all over her, laughing as hard as she had everytime Joker had said ‘ow’ when he was getting his ass tatted.

“Aww. You missed momma didn’t ya?” She asked, listening to them cackle while she rubbed and petted them. “I missed my handsome boys to.” She crooned. “And guess what? I got you guys something special for being my perfect little men.”

Bud and Lou sniffed the air as she pulled the leftover garlic bread out of her pocket.

“One for you,” she fed Lou a slice.

“And one for you baby,” she gave Bud his, scratching his head.

Of course, they practically swallowed the shit whole, then attacked her again.

She was honking in laughter when Joker thumped back down the stairs, having ditched his shirt and changed into his blue Arkham sweatpants, still caught up on the “retail therapy” part of her story. He stopped though, and looked over the railing down into the living room when he heard all the laughter and saw she was being absolutely mobbed by the two hyenas.

“What the hell is going on here?” He asked, coming to stand next to the recliner while the three of them rolled around on the floor.

The second he spoke, Bud and Lou’s ears perked up. The next thing Joker knew, they had abandoned Harley and were stampeding towards him like a couple of out of control bowling balls.

“No,” he warned, right as Bud slammed into his shins, and Lou launched up and put both paws on his bare chest, tongue lolling out like an idiot.

They sent him toppling backward into the recliner with a curse, pain shooting through his ass.

“Goddamn it.” He growled, then puckered his face as they slobbered all over him.

“Aww!” Harley laughed. "They missed daddy to, didn’t ya?” She smiled and stretched out on her side on the white carpet, head propped up on one arm, watching as they licked practically all of Joker’s lipstick off.

“You two are the biggest fucking babies I’ve ever seen,” he glared. “All because of you,” he eyed Harley.

“Hey, don’t you blame it all on me. You play with them to.” She glared back.

“Yeah, but you baby them.”

“No, I baby all three of you, so stop complainin’.”

Joker stared Bud in the face, their noses almost touching.

“You done yet?” He asked him, only to get another big slobbery lick.

Harley giggled and got up to let them out.

“Okay, boys, let’s let daddy rest, he’s had a rough couple of hours,” she snickered, and Joker shot her an annoyed look.

She hustled them towards the kitchen so she could let them out. Meanwhile, Joker winced and squirmed in his seat.

He still couldn’t believe he had gotten the damn tattoo, let alone the placement of it. But it had been a combination of his guilt and then him wanting to prove himself to her. All he could think of on the way home was how fucking deep he was now. First the engagement ring, now this?

He might as well give her the fucking ring at this point. What difference did it make with a big ass brand mark now on his ass that said he was hers?

He rubbed a hand over his face, since it was crazy to think about where he was now versus two, even three months ago. It felt more like a year had passed, and like he was a different person, or at least he was trying to be better for her. At least he could say whatever he was doing seemed to be working.

Harley barely had her nightmares anymore since he let her in a room with all those guards from the prison who’d fucked with her.

That had been fun to watch.

Between that, and him spending more time with her, basically letting her have her way about everything like today, she wasn’t melting down every morning, and he could leave the house without her spazzing out, which was nice.

He knew she was sick of not being able to go anywhere herself, even if she hadn’t actually gone anywhere herself since they got together. She always had her shadows on her at all times that she didn’t really know about. But it was just the way things were right now until he could find Waller. It sucked, but it had to be done.

Harley came strolling back through as he gave up trying to find a comfortable position and went to the couch to lay down instead.

“What’s wrong? Your ass hurt?” She jogged up the stairs.

“Yeah, thanks to you.”

“Aww, poor baby.” She mocked him. “Well, suck it up, you’ll survive. Ain’t that what you told me earlier?”

Joker made a face that might have been a pout, then started flipping through the fire stick looking for something to watch.

He landed on some serial killer documentary that looked interesting, which was something he also blamed Harley for, since she had gotten him hooked on the fucking crime shows now.

She came back down when he was ten minutes in, wearing her tan sweatpants and a black Marylin Manson t-shirt.

“Watcha watchin’?”

He shrugged.

“Some documentary about Jeffery Dahmer.”

“Oooo, I wanna watch,” she said, hurrying down the hall to let Bud and Lou in first.

Joker smirked and restarted it for her, waiting. When she returned, she had another coffee in her hand, an icepack and a towel tucked under her arm, and the hyenas on her heels.

She smiled down at him and giggled while he continued to pout silently. She took a drink of her coffee and set the mug on the table, wrapping the icepack in a thin dishtowel. She knelt on the cushion briefly infront of him so she could stick it in between his boxers and pants right over where the tattoo was.

Joker said nothing, but it made it feel a hell of a lot better.

He scooted back as she tucked herself beside him so they were facing eachother. She pulled the blanket off the back of the couch to cover them both.

“You plannin’ on layin’ here and sulkin’ all night?” She teased, and reached up to stroke his face.

“I’m not sulking,” Joker sulked. “My ass stings and I can barely sit down.”

Harley cackled for a minute before she slid her arm over his hip and pulled herself closer, planting kisses across his jaw slowly, sliding her leg between his as she pressed herself right up against his chest.

“Aww, c’mere, baby, momma will make it better.”

Joker rolled his eyes, but slid his arm over her hip as she hugged and caressed him, covering him with kisses.

“You didn’t have to do that, ya know,” she murmured. “I mean… I’m glad you did, but I never wanted you to feel like you had to.”

“Yeah, you were right, though,” Joker murmured back. “I didn’t really give you a choice then, so I gave you this one now. Hopefully it makes us square…for that at least.”

Harley sighed.

“Joker, I’m not trying to get even with you about everything.”

He chuckled softly.

“Well, it kinda sounded like you wanted to, honey. I think you got more resentment than you wanna admit, doctor.”

“No, I’m just frustrated not being able to do anything, that’s all,” Harley frowned.

“I know. I’m sorry. I don’t want you locked up here either.”

“Really? Because you seem to be enjoying it.”

“I am enjoying it.” He admitted. “Not having to worry about you. I’ve done little else since that bitch took you, but you remember in Godfather when he had to go to Italy to hideout?”

“He says like we don’t watch it once a week.”

“Yeah, well, that’s you right now.”

She smirked.

“Yeah, if only this house was Italy, huh?”

“Harley, this house is a fucking fortress with a wait staff at your disposal.”

“I don’t need a wait staff, I need a purpose, Joker, or I’m gonna blow up the fortress.”

“You got a purpose,” Joker replied, frowning.

“Which is?”

“Being my girlfriend,” he said, like it was the obvious answer. “You don’t need to concern yourself with nothin’ else but that right now.”

She smiled softly.

“Is that so?”

“Yeah.” He frowned some more. “If you’d just stop trying to be an independent woman for two fucking seconds.”

She laughed.

“Oh, I see, so I’m supposed to be some kind of mob wife now? Except I don’t see no ring on my finger.”

His pulse spiked again.

“No, but you got the tattoo, didn’t you? I’m just saying, why can’t you just relax?”

“Because I been relaxing. I’m all relaxed out.”

He sighed, and so did she.

“Fine.” She snuggled into him.

Joker shook his head.

“Anyone ever tell you that your high maintenance?”

“Nobody that wanted to keep having sex with me.”

He smiled.

“You threatening me, honey? Cause most days I’m fighting you off with a stick.”

Harley grinned and bit her lip, brushing her nose against his.

“That’s a lie. You ain’t been fightin’ me off at all lately.”

“Cause I don’t want to.”

“’Cause I keep coming back.”

“Yeah, that, and I love you too much.”

Harley blinked for a moment at the raw, honesty in his words, even though he’d been saying it for awhile now. Every once in awhile it’d come out in a way that hit differently and made her certain he meant it.

“Oh, Puddin’,” she squirmed closer. “And that’s why you’re always fighting me off with a stick.”

Joker grinned.

“So we gonna watch this show or what? Because we know you're gonna be asleep in ten minutes.”

“Mm.” She kissed him slowly. “Am not.”

She turned around and snuggled back against him into their favorite position as of late. He wrapped her up in his arms and she melted as usual. Then, just before he started the show, Bud and Lou decided to hop up on the end of the couch and get in on the action. They laid all over their feet and legs like dead slabs of meat.

“Seriously?” Joker glared.

Harley squeezed his arm.

“They just wanna cuddle too. Leav’em be.”

He narrowed his eyes as Lou stared up at him all innocent eyed, chin resting on his thigh.

“Fleabags,” he muttered, before resting his head behind Harley’s again and clicking play.

XxX

Here's some pictures I made with AI for the ring and the tattoo incase you guys are interested.