Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jocelyn was lounging on the couch trying to read (key word trying), but she was mostly wondering where her husband was because really, it’s their sort-of honeymoon. They couldn’t go anywhere special, they both need to be near New York to help Clary assimilate Simon into the Shadow World after all, but they could spend two weeks at Luke’s farmhouse. It was nice, she’d always liked the serenity of being here.
She smiled upon hearing the door open, boots stomping on the inside mat.

“Take your shoes off, I am not cleaning any mud off the floor.”

“Yes dear.” and she could hear the smile in his voice, god she loved him.

She put her book aside and sat upright so he could sit next to her, leaning against him when he sat down.

“Where were you?”

“On a walk. Why, did you miss me?”

“A little.” she replied smiling slightly.

“Nice knowing I’m appreciated.” he pouted, taking mock offence.

She didn’t reply, moving her head off of his shoulder, looking up at him before grabbing the back of his head, pulling his lips to meet hers kissing him softly. He responded in kind, wrapping his arms around her pulling her closer to him. She broke the kiss, straddling his lap, her legs on either side of him before kissing him again, harder this time nipping at his bottom lip. Luke was a bit caught off guard by this, he was not expecting their kisses to go in this direction but he had no complaints, running his hand along the hem of her shirt. She reached down and took his hand guiding it under her shirt to her right breast, and she loves him but sometimes he’s a bit too chivalrous with touching her. He ran his hand over the fabric of her bra, and she groaned into his mouth, arching her back, breaking the kiss to move his hand off of her breast, unstrapping her bra pulling it out from under her shirt.

She kissed him again, gasping into his mouth when his calloused hands slid up her shirt, meeting her now bare breasts and fuck, she loved it when he touched her, she loved him god she loves him so much it’s hard to fathom at times.

He ran his fingertips over her hard nipples, enjoying the little noises she made into his mouth. He could hardly believe some days that this was his life, that she loved him, that it all wasn’t just a perfect dream he never wanted to awake from.

She broke the kiss, leaning her forehead against his locking eyes with him.

“I love you.” she whispered, inwardly smiling at the way his eyes always lit up whenever she said those three words.

“I love you too.” he replied, and he was looking at her like she was the most important person in the world to him, the way he’d always looked at her but she hadn’t realized it for most of her life. It was more open now, as opposed to when they were children and he’d hidden it (not very well, but she’d been too blind to realize it).

“Bedroom?” she suggested, aware of his hard-on pressing against her thigh.

“Yeah, bedroom.” he affirmed, removing his hands from under her shirt as she got off of him, pulling him into their room with a smile on her face.

Chapter Text

Jocelyn sighed, slumped on one of the counter stools and laying her head on the kitchen counter. Business was pretty slow at work, which wasn’t that surprising as antiques weren’t exactly a booming market. It was just really frustrating, and she was stressed and tired and just wanted to not exist for a while, free herself of all the pressure. Sitting in the dark was the closest she could get to that.

She heard the door open and groaned, turning her head towards the noise and seeing the outline of Luke walk in, hanging up his coat on the rack after turning on the hallway light. She closed her eyes, too emotionally drained to keep them open, hearing his keys drop into the keybowl then felt his breath on her face. She opened her eyes, finding herself looking into his as he laid his head on the counter, looking at her.

“What’s up?”

“Just…slow day at work. Again. It’s frustrating…”

“Sounds like it. Want to talk about it?”

“Not right now.”

“You hungry? Your breath smells like you haven’t eaten in a while.”

Joss sighed, nodding. She’d had that bad taste in her mouth for a while now but didn’t have the energy to make herself something, and she didn’t feel like talking to people so ordering food was out.

“Want me to order takeout?”

“Yes please. Something light, not feeling Chinese. Maybe a salad or something…”

“Okay.” He sat up, grabbing his cell phone from where it laid next to the keybowl the counter, dialing the number and ordering the food while rubbing her back gently with his other hand.

Once the food was ordered, he gently ran his fingers through her hair, just sitting next to her.

“Want me to turn the lights on?”

“No…I’m just…I’m tired. I’m really tired and I wish I could just not exist for a while, you know? Like be temporarily dead or something.”

“Wouldn’t you get lonely if you didn’t exist though?”

“No…you’d be with me.”

“So we just wouldn’t exist together?”

“Mmmhmm…just for a little bit though, not forever.”

“Naturally.” He laid his head down on the counter again, and she moved forward a bit so their foreheads were touching.

“Remember back in Idris, when we’d just…go off somewhere away from everyone? And you’d let me paint you, and I’d help you with your runes and we’d just…talk about anything?”

“Yeah, I remember.”

“I was just…so glad that I had you. I remember thinking that as long as I had you everything was going to be okay.” She could feel her eyes welling with tears and when she blinked, a few fell down her cheeks creating a little puddle on the counter. “You’re my best friend, and I really really love you. You’re just-you’re everything, and I know I don’t say it enough but I’m so glad you’re my friend.”

Luke moved his hand from her hair, reaching down to wipe her tears away. “I’m glad you’re my friend too Joss.”

She nodded, sitting up and wiping her eyes. He sat up too, watching her.

“I just…I love you, so much and I don’t even mean this in the romantic way, I love you so much it hurts sometimes, and it feels like-like I’m going to just drown in it. It just fills me up sometimes and I-I feel like I can never really express how much I love you. Having sex isn’t enough, kissing you isn’t enough. Hell, being married to you doesn’t even come close to expressing it, and I-I just love you.” She burst into tears at that, sobbing into her hands and she didn’t even know why, what she was saying wasn’t even close to being sad, and here he was, pulling her onto his lap and stroking her hair as she buried her head in his chest, sobbing into his button down.

She vaguely heard him murmuring into her hair “You don’t have to say anything, I know Joss, believe me I know.” through her sobs.

Once she’d stopped crying she pulled back, her nose stuffy with snot and he handed her a paper towel. She blew her nose, putting the paper towel on the counter and resting her head against his chest.

“You’re my best friend in the whole wide world, and I love you to Mars and back.” She felt him chuckle at their childhood saying, kissing the top of her head.

“You’re mine too, Joss.”

Chapter Text

“Leave the light on.”

Luke froze with his hand on the light switch, turning to look at Joss. Since their relationship had made the leap from platonic to romantic, whenever they’d had sex or done anything intimate Jocelyn insisted the light be off (he knew why, he could feel the scars on her breasts whenever he touched them, he couldn’t ignore the way she’d freeze for a moment every time he touched her inner thighs). He’d never seen her body before, only knew what it felt like.

“You sure?” he asked, walking away from the light switch and standing in front of her from where she sat at the foot of the bed. She was the only one of them still dressed, he usually stripped all the way before turning off the light so she could strip in the darkness.

“Yes. I…I think it’s time you see what you’re dealing with.” She unbuttoned her pants, but before she pulled them down she looked up, locking eyes with him. “I just need you to look at me. You don’t need to say anything, you don’t need to touch me if you don’t want to, just look.”

“Okay.” He nodded as well to show he understood.

Joss nodded, taking a deep breath as she pushed her pants down to her ankles, quickly followed by her underwear. Then she pulled her shirt over her head, dropping it on the floor, unstrapping her bra and letting it fall on top of her shirt.

Then she spread her legs so he could see her thighs, laid down on the bed and waited, fixing her eyes on a spot on the ceiling.

She felt his eyes go to her breasts first, taking in the slash marks from the knife. It might have even been the same one Valentine gave him to kill himself with, she wasn’t sure really. Only thing she remembered of that night was blood and pain and the shame of it all. (No, that was a lie she wished was true: she could remember everything).

The first scar his eyes were drawn to was the most noticeable, going from her nipple down to the underside of her right breast. Valentine worked for hours on every little cut on each breast, placing them just so, not even leaving her nipples unscarred, cutting tiny little marks into her areola. The real beauty was in the valley between her breasts. He’d carved his initials, V.M., vertically in a place he knew she’d never be able to ignore, seeing as it was where she’d Marked herself the most until that night. On her left breast, he’d worked painstakingly hard to match the scars on her right cut for cut, a kind of sick symmetry. She’d managed to ignore the pain as he recreated his handiwork, focusing instead on the discomfort that came with having her wrists and ankles bound to the bedposts. Other than the physical pain, her most prominent emotion was that of utter shame and maybe if she hadn’t been so physically affectionate with Lucian earlier that day, this wouldn’t be happening right now, her husband never would have doubted her fidelity. When he was finished, not one piece of skin on her breasts was whole.

Then, he started on her inner thighs. He wouldn’t hurt her cunt, he needed that for his own use, but he’d hurt the path leading up to it. The first thing he did was mark his property again, carving V.M. horizontally into her right inner thigh, inches from the only part of her that seemed to matter to anyone. He made sure to carve it big and bold so no one could ignore it, especially not her. Then he did the same to her left, recreating the initials perfectly. He alternated between thighs, matching cut for cut, seeming to take pleasure in the blood seeping into the sheets, marring her skin with his knife, leaving nothing untouched. She never forgot what he said afterwards, kissing her almost tenderly on the lips, as if he hadn’t just been torturing her for hours.

“It’s for your own good, Jocelyn. Now the only man who will ever want you is me.”

Then he untied her, got a warm wet cloth, and gently cleaned her cuts, bandaging them, telling her that if she hadn’t slept with Lucian, he never would have had to do this. That it killed him to have to hurt her like that but it was necessary.

He carefully helped her out of the bed and dressed her in his favorite white nightgown of hers, changed the bedding, and carefully helping her back in after everything was clean. That night as he held her in his arms, he whispered into her ear that if she tried to iratze herself, or tell anyone what had happened, he’d kill Lucian, and make it look like a suicide. So she kept quiet, and never so much as showed anyone her scars.

Until now.

She heard Luke clear his throat and she cautiously met his eyes. She hoped he’d be able to ignore the scars on her thighs, that he’d still be able to go down on her, but she knew her breasts were a lost cause. He’d never be able to look at them again, much less touch them. Hell, he probably won’t be able to touch her again.

“Can I kiss you?”

That was not what she expected.

“Um, uh, sure.” ‘It’s probably a goodbye kiss. He knows just how broken I am now, he won’t stay. He can’t love me that much’ she thought, sitting up as he knelt down to kiss her. He leaned forward slowly, kissing her gently and this didn’t feel like a goodbye kiss, with one of his hands tangling in her hair and the other gently pushing her back onto the bed, laying down next to her. When he broke it, he leaned his forehead against hers, locking eyes with her.

“This doesn’t change anything. What that monster did to you was wrong, and vile, and you didn’t deserve it.”

Jocelyn was stunned. This was the opposite of what she expected. She didn’t know what to say, she was completely caught off guard by his words and the lack of disgust in his eyes, and the fact that he was still here.

“You still want me?”

She saw something akin to sadness in his eyes when she asked that, but wasn’t sure as it was gone so quickly.

“Yes, of course I still want you. I still want you and I still love you. Please don’t ever doubt that.” He took a deep breath to calm himself, rubbing her scalp lightly with the hand still in her hair. “Your scars don’t scare me, Joss.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

She swallowed hard, leaning forward to kiss him, relieved when he kissed back, when he moved his hands to her waist, when he pulled her on top of him.

“Do you want me to put something on before I fuck you? So you don’t have to look at my breasts.”

He shook his head, rubbing the skin on her waist gently. “I want to look at them. And touch them, if you’ll let me.”

“But my scars-”

“I told you, they don’t scare me.”

“But they’re disgusting.”

“No they aren’t, not to me.”

She swallowed hard, choking back tears of relief as she positioned herself above him, locking eyes with him as she sank down on him, moaning softly. She couldn’t look at him as he gently touched her breasts, closing her eyes and focusing on riding him, resting her hands on the headboard for balance.

She didn’t deserve this man, she didn’t deserve someone who could see the monstrosity that was her body and still want her. Of course, she’d never really deserved him. She was cold and unfeeling while he felt everything and wasn’t ashamed of showing it. He wasn’t ashamed of anything, and she wished she could be more like him in that regard.

She gasped when he stimulated her clit with his hand, and it felt amazing but she knew she wasn’t going cum tonight, everything was too much and she couldn’t focus on the pleasure she was receiving without also thinking of her scars and how he was looking at them, seeing them for the first time and he had to be lying, he had to care about the scars.

As soon as she felt him jerk against her, she waited till his breathing slowed to get off of him, feeling his cum start to drip out of her as she settled beside him. They laid next to each other, catching their breath.

“Did you cum?”

“No. Too much on my mind.”

“Like what?”

“You. My scars.” She looked at him, taking a deep breath before asking “Do they really not scare you? Don’t lie to make me feel better, I have to know.”

“They don’t scare me.”

“Do they disgust you? Even a little bit? If you’re repulsed by them you can tell me.”

“The man who did that to you disgusts me. You could never disgust me, and I could never be repulsed by you.”

They fell silent, both lost in their own thoughts. After several minutes Luke spoke.

“You don’t have to tell me, but…why did he do that to you?”

“He thought I was cheating on him. I wasn’t. He didn’t believe me.” Her voice sounded emotionless to her ears, which was fitting as she felt numb, like she wasn’t really here with Luke, like she was back there, feeling the knife cut into her skin.

“Who did he accuse you of cheating with?” Luke had a feeling he already knew the answer, but needed to hear her say it.

“You. And really…it’s my fault. He never would have hurt me if I hadn’t been so affectionate with you. He never would have accused me of cheating, and if I’d have been a better wife I wouldn’t have given you that much attention.” She paused, lost in her memories of that night. “He was so angry…I’d never seen him that angry before.”

Luke realized that she was flaring, those were very clearly Valentine’s bullshit justifications. He gently took her hand, interlacing his fingers with hers and squeezing lightly to ground her in reality, to let her know that she’s safe, knowing he just had to wait it out.

Jocelyn went silent then, closing her eyes and focusing on the weight of Luke’s hand in her own. ‘It was worse that it was you. You were his parabatai, I was his wife, we belonged to him. He hated the thought of us belonging to each other, of you touching what was his. He said no man but him would ever want me with my scars, but I’m not stupid. I knew the only man he wanted to make sure never wanted me was you.’ she thought. Maybe someday she’d tell him how much Valentine would have despised seeing them like this, how it would have filled him with rage, but now…she didn’t want to give him yet another reason to associate their intimate acts with Valentine. Her scars and copious sexual baggage were enough reminders.

After a while Luke couldn’t take the silence, saying “You’re wrong. Joss…he didn’t do this to you because he was angry, or as punishment for thinking you cheated. He did it to make you feel like shit. He planned this, the assumed infidelity was an excuse. He would have scarred you anyway with some other bullshit reason justifying it. It’s not your fault.” If it was anyone’s fault, it was his. He hadn’t hidden his feelings well enough, Valentine must have known…

Joss nodded, trying her hardest to believe him. She hoped he was right, that it wasn’t her fault.

“Would you like me to go down on you?”

She turned to look at him then, confused as to why he’d want to. “You know what my thighs look like now.” she pointed out as if that was all the reason he’d need to never go down on her again.

“Yeah, I do. Doesn’t change the fact I love going down on you.”

“Why do you want to go down on me right now though?”

“Because you didn’t cum, and you made the rule that whenever we’re intimate we both have to get off. And as I just said I love going down on you, so naturally that would make us both happy. But only if you want me to.”

“I want you to.” ‘I always want you to’

Luke positioned himself so he was leaning over her, kissing her gently on the lips, slowly working his way down her jaw. He peppered kisses all the way down her neck, sucking a bit on her collarbone, pausing before gently kissing the top of her left breast, palming her right with his hand. Joss was surprised by this; she’d expected him to skip her breasts entirely, go straight to her thighs. Why would he want to give them any attention?

She moaned as he sucked her left breast, treating it as he always had, like it was the appetizer to his last meal, teeth grazing her skin and she put her hand on the back of his neck, pressing lightly.

He switched breasts, now giving the right the same treatment he’d given the left, running his tongue over her nipple and sucking on every inch of skin, his hand kneading her left breast and oh fuck, this always felt so good, especially because he seemed to genuinely enjoy it.

Then he stopped, and Joss braced herself for the pain of his teeth biting into the signature as he made his way down the valley between her breasts, because surely he couldn’t be tender there, another man’s initials carved into her skin.

Instead she felt feather light kisses all the way down to her navel, and she nearly wept. She moved her hand from the back of his head to her chest, running her fingers over the initials, still wet with his kisses and for a moment she didn’t hate her skin or her scars. How could she when he’s being so good to her?

She breathed deeply as he gave the same treatment to the signature on her thighs, covering every inch of those blasted letters with his kisses, before moving down to suck on her other scars. Her nails gripped his shoulders, bucking her hips slightly, needing him to move his mouth up just a little bit more. Thankfully he took the hint, slipping his tongue inside her and oh god, she was never going to get used to that.

His hands went up to her breasts, palming them lightly as he slowly swirled his tongue inside her, savoring every moment.

She could feel her cum start to drip out of her, coating her thighs and his chin and oh shit.

“Stop.”

Luke’s mouth was off of her as soon as she spoke, and as he met her eyes she saw that yeah, her cum was already shining on his chin.

“Something wrong?”

“No-well yes-ugh. Do you, um, you know those times when, uh…” she trailed off, feeling herself start to blush. ‘For fuck’s sake! You’re an adult woman, you have sex with your kind-of-boyfriend, you should be able to talk about it without turning into a stumbling mess! You’re pathetic!’

“Yeah?” He looked at her expectantly, waiting patiently for her to find the proper words.

She took a deep breath and started again, running a hand through her hair nervously. “You know those times when I cum and uh…I kind of gush, and it’s a big mess and everything gets soaked?” Her blush deepened as she explained, struggling to keep eye contact with him she was so embarrassed.

Luke nodded. Those normally happened when he was inside her, and she was always so embarrassed when it did happen. He didn’t see why though, it was really flattering for him.

“Well um, this is going to be one of those times, if you couldn’t already tell. So if you still want to keep going, we should prepare for it. If you want to stop though that’s okay, I get it.” Those types of orgasms were so messy, and she’d never had one of those when he was going down on her before. If he didn’t want that mess on his face she completely understood.

“I definitely still want to keep going.”

Joss nodded, relieved when her blush started fading. “Ok, then um, could you get a towel from the hamper? No wait, get two just to be safe.”

He nodded, getting up from the bed and going to their closet, reaching into the hamper that was by the door and getting out two towels. Joss moved onto her side so he could put them on top of each other on the bed, then settled herself on top of them.

Luke laid down on the bed again, positioning his head between her thighs.

“Ready?”

“Yeah.”

Luke slipped his tongue inside her, more than a little flattered by how wet she was already. He could feel her fluids start to leak down his chin, and he moaned against her, moving his hands up to her breasts, rubbing her nipples gently with his palms, gripping her breasts softly with his hands. He felt her nails start to dig into his back again, her hips grinding into his face. He focused on the scratch of her pubic hair rubbing against his chin as he slowly moved his tongue inside her, reveling in the breathy gasps it produced from her.

Joss couldn’t think, she was overwhelmed with the pleasure humming throughout her body. She was too sucked up in all the good she felt to be embarrassed about how she was practically humping Luke’s face and being louder than she ever had before when he went down on her, almost-moans passing her lips. His hands squeezing her breasts rhythmically as he ate her out only added to the pleasure, and all too soon she felt all the tension in her body release, the towels getting soaked with her fluids. As she relaxed her body, she felt Luke’s tongue slip out of her, moving his mouth down to clean up her cum coating her thighs. She covered her face with her hands, feeling her cheeks grow hot as the embarrassment set in. She hated when her body betrayed her like this. Only wanton women came that much.

“Stop, please stop.” Luke’s tongue immediately moved off of her inner thighs, and he looked up, seeing her face in her hands. He moved his body up so he was laying next to her, cautiously touching her wrists lightly.

“Joss? Is something wrong?”

She realized that by covering her face, it might look to him that she was crying, so she quickly removed her hands, letting him see that she was just really embarrassed and not upset. Fixing her gaze on the sheets, she mumbled “I’m not supposed to cum that much.”

It was only thanks to his werewolf hearing that he heard what she said. “What do you mean, you’re not supposed to cum that much?”

She forced herself to look at him, grimacing when she saw how much of her fluids coated his chin. “I mean, that’s too much. It’s not right to have gushing orgasms, or to feel that good.”

Luke understood where she was coming from now. Their old lives had had very strict rules for sex and pleasure. Mainly, that sex was for procreation, and pleasure is something that was given to the man. Women weren’t the priority, except when it came to getting them pregnant. “I like it when you have gushing orgasms. It’s flattering to know you want me that badly, that I turn you on so much, and I love making you feel so good.”

“But it’s so messy. And…I’m not used to having them with another person. They happen sometimes when I’m getting off, which isn’t as embarrassing cause it’s just me and I’m the only one who knows, but when it happens with you…you get messy too, and if that’s not embarrassing enough you help clean me up, and I don’t deserve that when I made the mess in the first place.”

Luke couldn’t help laughing a bit at that, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her close. “I like those kinds of messes. Cleaning you up is fun.” Especially cause he had an excuse to use his tongue on her thighs after cumming inside her.

Joss didn’t quite believe him, but decided not to press the subject, leaning up to kiss him tasting herself on his lips and this was one thing she didn’t mind about getting him messy, running her tongue over his chin, trying to clean his stubble to the best of her ability, enjoying the scratch of it on her tongue. She ran her tongue down his neck, laughing slightly against it as she sucked on it gently making sure to get as much of herself off of him as she could while trying to control her laughter.

She felt him start to laugh then, his throat vibrating against her mouth, and she took that as a cue to stop, removing her lips from his neck. She groaned, the wetness of the towels finally registering with her. Quickly she got up, pulling the towels off the bed and putting them back in the hamper. “How damp are the sheets?”

Luke ran his hand over the them. “Just a little. Not that bad, really.”

Joss nodded, crawling back into bed and settling her head on his collarbone. They laid in silence for a few moments, his arm around her holding her close. She traced his scars on his chest with her fingers, straying near the one close to his heart.

He forced himself to relax as she touched his scars. He wasn’t used to anyone else besides him touching them, and a part of him wanted to snatch her fingers away from them. All they did was remind him he was less-than-human, battle wounds from killing pack leaders and getting into fights with rogues. He hated what he became every month, and he hated Jocelyn touching what had been carved into the wolf. “I hate them.”

“What?” Jocelyn was jarred out of her own thoughts at his voice, looking up at him.

“My scars. I hate them.”

“Why?”

“Because the only reason I have them is because of it, because of this thing inside me, this monster.”

Jocelyn sat up when he said that, shaking her head vehemently. “Don’t ever say that. You are not a monster. I wouldn’t let you touch me if you were.”

“But I am. I’m a literal monster.” Luke didn’t understand why she couldn’t see that.

Jocelyn was starting to get angry now, twisting her hands together furiously to avoid acting on her temper. “Lucian Garroway, you are not a monster, you hear me? The man who carved his fucking name into my skin is a monster. You know what he did to me, you know how much he ruined me. You may turn into a wolf every month but you would never hurt me like he did.” She felt tears welling in her eyes, and angrily wiped them away when they fell with the next blink of her eyes. “So just, don’t call yourself a monster again, please. I get that to you, your scars are just a reminder of what you turn into, but to me? God, they remind me of how fucking brave you are, how you-you’d do anything to protect the people you care about. Protect me.”

Luke stayed silent, processing what she told him. He never knew she felt that way, and it hit a cord with him, knowing that the scars he hated so much were seen as marks of bravery by the woman he loved.

Jocelyn took a few deep breaths, trying to gain control of her emotions and stop her tears. His scars were about him, not her fucking feelings, and she’s a bad partner for making them about her.

After she got control of herself, she laid down next to him, reaching out slowly and running her fingers over the tiny scars on his lower right arm. These weren’t like the others; they were horizontal, and very clearly self-inflicted. She was pretty sure she was the only person who knew they existed, seeing as he normally wore long sleeved shirts for work and they weren’t that noticeable to begin with.

“What about those scars, Joss? They can’t make you think of how brave I am.” He felt bad immediately after he said it, wincing at the mocking tone in his voice.

Joss forced herself not to feel hurt when he mocked her. His self harm scars were a touchy subject for him, it’s natural he’d go on the defensive. “I hate them. I wish they didn’t exist. I know that you weren’t trying to kill yourself, but knowing you hurt yourself at all…that hurts me, Luke. And I know you did it at a dark time in your life and it probably seemed like it helped at the time but it hurts seeing those marks on your skin.” She hated how she kept going back to herself and her feelings about his self harm. This wasn’t about her, she was being selfish by making it about her.

“Then don’t look.” he snapped, pulling his arm away from her touch. He didn’t like her looking at his scars or touching them, and he certainly didn’t like hearing about how much looking at them hurt her. They were his scars, he didn’t look at her scars and tell her how much they hurt him.

“Sorry.” ‘Don’t be a baby. He’s allowed to be pissed at you, you were being a selfish bitch anyway’

“Sorry.” he repeated, obviously mocking her. Is that all she knew how to say?!? “God, you’re pathetic.” Luke immediately regretted the words as soon as he said them, wincing and wishing he could go back in time and stop himself. ‘Woah, where the fuck did that come from?!? This is bad, that was out of line oh fuck this is bad’

Joss froze when he said that. He’d never been that cruel to her before. Hell, she couldn’t remember a time when he’d been cruel to her, period. She quickly moved out of his arms, grabbing the sheet and pulling it around her, turning her back to him and moving to the other end of the bed. It really hurt, hearing her best friend call her pathetic.

Luke sighed, running his hand over his face. He fucked up, he fucked up bad.

He slowly moved over to her, carefully putting his hand on her back. “Joss, I didn’t mean that. You’re not pathetic, I don’t know why I said it.”

She stiffened under his touch, moving away from him. “Don’t touch me.”

That really hurt. He immediately removed his hand from her back, not sure of how to fix his mistake. He knew he could take the easy way out: she was so vulnerable he could easily convince her that it was her fault he’d snapped at her, that if she hadn’t been such a bitch he wouldn’t have had to say that.

But he could never do that, it was wrong, and exactly what Valentine had done to her.

Joss didn’t know what to think. She knew deep down that Luke didn’t really mean it, that he’d just been angry and for once in his life lost his hold on his practically superhuman willpower. But she was in a very vulnerable place as it was, her scars literally out in the open, and all the insecurities that came with them. She didn’t really believe him when he said he didn’t mind them. Hell, she didn’t really believe a lot of the sweet things he said about her. Like how he says he loves the way she tastes or thinks her hands are gorgeous. Honestly, only thing she did believe was that she didn’t deserve him.

They laid there in tense silence, Luke frantically trying to come up with a way to unfuck his fuckup and Jocelyn trying to sort through her feelings about what he’d said.

Finally Luke spoke. “Jocelyn…shit, look. I don’t think you’re pathetic. You’re just, you’re amazing, okay? You’re amazing and I love you and I was way out of line. I never should have said that, it’s not true, just because I said it doesn’t mean it’s true, okay? Because it’s not. You were trying to relate to my scars and tell me what you thought of them. I mean fuck, I’m the one who asked you what you thought of them, and you were just being honest with me and I went and threw it back in your face. I know how hard it is for you to talk about your feelings and be open with people, and I’m so honored that you can be that way with me.” He hesitantly moved a little closer to her, sighing. “I’m so sorry, Joss.”

Jocelyn listened to his apology, and he sounded like he was being sincere. She knew Luke, down to her very bones and she knew he wasn’t the type to bullshit an apology just to makeup or whatever. Whenever he apologized he always meant it. She slowly turned around to face him, meeting his eyes, the sheet still pulled up to her chin.

“That was an awful thing to say.”

“Yeah, I know. I was being an ass, I’m-”

“Sorry, I know.”

She moved closer to him, stopping till they were a few inches apart. “I know you didn’t really mean it. Tonight has just been…hard, for me, and I’m not really in the best headspace.” She leaned forward, kissing his cheek lightly. “I forgive you.”

Luke smiled, not moving to embrace her just yet. “Can I touch you?”

“Yes.”

He gently pulled her into his arms, kissing the top of her head lightly. “Love you.”

“Love you too.” she yawned, unrolling the sheet from around her body and pulling it over both of them. “Turn the light off please?”

“Sure.” he got up and turned the light off, closing his eyes so they’d adjust to the darkness before making his way back to the bed. He settled into it, wrapping his arms around Joss’ waist as he spooned her, one of his legs thrown over both of hers.

“You comfy sleeping like this? Just cause you usually put clothes on before bed.” He wasn’t sure if it was cause of her past trauma or cause she felt she couldn’t trust him. Hopefully the former.

“Yeah. Clary’s not here, she’s not gonna walk in on anything she doesn’t want to see. You know what I look like now, no use in hiding it.”

“So…it wasn’t because you didn’t trust me?”

She turned around in his arms, eyes wide. “What? No, of course not! God Luke, do you think I would let you sleep with me if I didn’t trust you not to rape me?”

Well when she put it like that, it did sound like nonsense.

“No.”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t. I trust you completely, I always have.” She couldn’t believe he’d thought she didn’t trust him, it was ludicrous.

“Okay then. Glad that’s cleared up.” He was glad to hear that she trusted him completely, made him feel really nice.

“Yeah. Any other crazy ideas you wanna run past me?” she asked, only half joking. If he had any other thoughts like that, she wanted to put them to rest.

“No, not really.”

“Good.” She moved out of his arms, laying down on her back before positioning her head on his chest, feeling him move an arm so it was under her back. Last thing she wanted was him accidentally rolling her onto her back when he inevitably partially covered her with his body while they slept. She pulled the sheet over both of them, closing her eyes.

“They don’t scare me either, you know.”

“What?” Luke didn’t bother opening his eyes, pulling her closer with his arm.

“Your scars. They don’t scare me either.”

Luke opened his eyes then, looking down at her in the darkness, just able to make out her face. “Good.” He leaned down and kissed her shoulder, whispering “I love you.” into her skin.

“Mmm…love you too.” she mumbled, snuggling into his arms as sleep overcame her.

This wasn’t at all how she’d imagined this night to go, and for that she was grateful.

Chapter Text

Luke sighed, pacing back and forth in his tent. He was worried about Jocelyn. She was living with that man, (no, that monster), and if Valentine found out she was helping them take him down…Luke didn’t even what to think about what he’d do to her.

She was supposed to meet him 3 minutes ago, and she was late, so naturally he was starting to panic, every worst case scenario going through his mind. She couldn’t be lost, she’d been to the werewolf encampment before and his tent was the biggest, something had to have gone wrong. Maybe Valentine found out, maybe-

“Hi, sorry I’m late. Took me a while to leave, had to wait for him to go to a meeting.”

He turned towards her, seeing her push open the tent flap and walk in, cloak wet from the steady rain. He immediately walked over to her, gathering her into his arms for hug before she even got her cloak off, resting his chin on her head. He needed to know that she was really here and safe with him. She returned the embrace, wrapping her arms around him. After a few minutes, she pulled back.

“You okay?” She was usually the one that instigated hugging, not him.

He looked down at her, nodding. “Yeah, I just…you were late and I thought…” He couldn’t finish, the concept of her dead or hurt was too horrible.

“Well I’m not. I’m okay, and so are you.” She smiled, stepping back from him as she took her cloak off.

“Yeah.” He smiled, taking her cloak from her and hanging it over a chair, hopefully it would dry at least a little. “So is everything okay over there? You don’t think he suspects do you?” he asked, turning back to her. She’d taken a seat on the small sofa he had in his tent (perk of being pack leader).

“I don’t think so, or at least he doesn’t seem to.”

Luke nodded. “Good.” He went over to her, sitting beside her and gently taking her hands, sitting crosslegged and facing her. “You sure you still want to do this? If he finds out, Joss…god, I don’t even what to think about what he’d do to you.” He’s not sure he’d be able to live in a world without her in it.

She leaned her forehead against his, stroking the back of his hands with her thumbs. “He won’t. You worry too much.”

“I just…I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you. You’re the best part of me.”

“No, I’m not. Don’t say that. You’re kind and good and my best friend. If anything it’s the other way around.”

He snorted unbelievably at that. “Bullshit. You’re perfect.”

She moved her forehead off his, shaking her head. “Am not.”

“Are to me.” Immediately he turned his head away from her, wincing inwardly. That was too much, might have given himself away.

She blushed at that, it was such a sweet thing to say, then leaned forward to kiss his cheek. At that moment he looked back at her to apologize and their lips met. They froze, stunned, but neither pulling away. Then she kept kissing him and he kissed her back and suddenly she was in his lap, subconsciously grinding against him, her tongue down his throat and one of his hands was on her waist holding her flush against him, the other tangled in her hair. ‘Is this really happening right now?’ Luke thought, unbelieving. It couldn’t be a dream, those involved less clothes.

Then she broke the kiss for air, and the reality of what they were doing set in. Luke was suddenly very aware of his erection against Joss’ thigh, blushing in embarrassment and hoped she wouldn’t notice.

Jocelyn got off of him, not looking at him as she smoothed down her hair from where it had gotten tangled from his hand. There was a very awkward silence for a few painful minutes, him shifting his legs to make his erection not so noticeable, both of them avoiding the others gaze.

Finally Jocelyn spoke. “Let’s just…forget that ever happened. I’m ovulating right now, that’s probably why I reacted like that. I’m still married and it’s wrong.”

Luke nodded, meeting her eyes. “Yeah, I mean it didn’t mean anything. It’s been a while for me, um, sorry for grabbing you like that. Forgetting would be best, yeah.” Well, pretending to forget. There was no way he’d ever forget what it was like to kiss her, have her tongue in his mouth and her in his lap, his hands in her gorgeous hair.

“Yeah…” ‘It had been really nice though.’. She’d never kissed anyone but Valentine before, and Luke…he certainly didn’t kiss like him. He wasn’t possessive, it didn’t feel like he was staking his claim. What he was though, was passionate. She found that she really enjoyed kissing him, but pushed it to the back of her mind. Now was not the time to dwell on it.

“This didn’t fuck up our friendship, did it?” He hoped it didn’t.

“Luke, we’ve been friends since we were twelve. Kissing isn’t going to change that.”

He nodded, relieved.

For the rest of the visit until she left, they stayed strictly on the plans for overthrowing her husband, keeping all thoughts of kissing from their minds.

But, maybe someday, they could talk about it. Someday when Valentine was no longer a threat, and they were both safe. Luke certainly hoped so. At the very least, if they failed in defeating Valentine, he could die happy knowing what it was like to kiss her.

Chapter Text

They tell each other “I love you” all the time.

Only now it’s different. Before, when they’d tell each other “I love you” there was always a “in-a-strictly-platonic-way” wall up, they couldn’t say it with their real emotions behind it because if they did they were both afraid they wouldn’t be able to stop and their romantic love for each other would spill over into other areas of their lives, and if that happened…Jocelyn knew that if she was with Luke in any way that wasn’t platonic she wouldn’t be able to hold back wanting more, always wanting more.

If she got the physical, she’d want the emotional, and vice versa. And if she got both (which was most likely as Luke probably wouldn’t be able to keep emotions out of sex with her, she knows she wouldn’t be able to keep them out of sex with him), she’d want him with her more often than she did now, only she wouldn’t be able to restrain herself like she did now, which might eventually lead to him moving in, and then it would be next to impossible to keep Clary in the dark with her boyfriend being a werewolf. She’s not sure she could, if she was with Luke. It wouldn’t be fair to him, not letting him have an honest relationship with the girl who was essentially his kid in every way but DNA (hell, it wasn’t fair to him even with her not dating him).

But now that wasn’t an issue. Now they were free to show their love openly and say "I love you" and mean it the way they’d always wanted to. So they said it all the time, it was the first thing said in the morning and the last thing said at night. They’d call each other up just to say it sometimes, which embarrassed Clary and Simon to no end when they were around to hear it but they didn’t care. This was all so new for them and they weren’t about to waste the opportunity.

Chapter Text

Jocelyn adjusted her hood over her head, hoping to get some cover from the heavy rain. She knocked on the cabin door, tapping her foot nervously.

A few seconds later, Luke opened the door and she hurried inside, taking her cloak off and hanging it up on his coatrack.

As soon as she turned around, Luke extended his arms for a hug.

She fell into his arms, wrapping her arms around his neck. She closed her eyes. “I missed you.” she said softly.

He leaned down and tucked his head into her neck, wrapping his arms around her waist. “Missed you too.” he murmured against her skin, resisting the urge to kiss her neck.

Jocelyn sighed, opening her eyes and pulling back to look at him. “How are you holding up? Do you have enough food? Do you need money? Cause I can give you more money if you-”

“Joss, I’m fine. I have enough food and money, promise.” he said, gently cutting her off.

“Okay, just checking.” She dropped her arms from his neck and stepped away from him.

He let go of her waist and, noticing her soaked boots, said “You can take off your shoes if you want, dry them by the fire.”

“Thanks.” She walked over to the fireplace and sat down on the couch. She quickly unlaced her boots and pulled them off, grimacing at her wet socks. “Is there anywhere I can hang my socks up to dry?” she asked, placing her boots by the fire.

Luke chuckled at her expression. “Here, I’ll hang them up in the bathroom.” he said, taking her socks from her and disappearing into the bathroom.

“Thanks.” Jocelyn leaned back on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. She heard Luke walk back in, and when he sat down beside her she leaned into him, smiling briefly when he slid his arm around her waist.

Luke broke the silence. “He’s going to try to steal the Mortal Cup, isn’t he.”

“Yeah.” she sighed. “Yeah, he is. He told me he’s planning on doing it when the Accords are signed next week.”

Luke nodded. “And you don’t think he suspects you of working against him?” he asked, looking at her. He ran his hand back and forth over Joss’ hip, trying to calm his nerves.

She shook her head. “No. Doesn’t seem to, anyway.” she said. She sighed, leaning her head against his shoulder. “Let’s say…let’s say we do it. Let’s say we stop Val. What are we going to do after that? What do you want to do to after that?”

“Honestly?” He felt her nod against his shoulder. “Get out of Idris. There’s nothing tying me here, I want a fresh start.”

She nodded. “Yeah, I want that too. Somewhere far away from the Clave, where no one knows us.”

“Like the mundane world?” he suggested.

“Yes! That’s the perfect place for us!” she said, taking her head off his shoulder and smiling at him.

He smiled back at her for a moment before remembering the realities of their respective situations. “Will you be able to bring Jonathan with us?”

Jocelyn’s smile faded at the mention of her son. “I hope so. I’ll try my hardest to get him away from Val and take him with us, but Val takes Jonathan with him almost everywhere; he took him to a Circle meeting tonight, even though I asked him not to.” She shook her head, clenching her hands into fists on her lap. “He’s 6 years old! Who takes a 6 year old to a 2 hour meeting?!?”

“Doesn’t make any sense.” he agreed, nodding. “So um…” he started, changing the subject, “where do we want to live?”

“Well…it has to be a big city; easier to hide in just in case.” she said, biting her cheek as she thought.

“New York?” he suggested, saying the first city that popped in his head.

“New York…that’s a good fit for us. Least I hope it will be.” She smiled at him, and leaned up to kiss his cheek.

“Yeah, I think so-” he started to say, turning to look at her when he was cut off by her lips landing on his teeth.

She quickly pulled away, blushing in embarrassment. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to get your teeth.”

“No, uh, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” he assured her, looking away to hide his blush.

“Um…do you want to try that again? Without me kissing your teeth this time.” she suggested, turning towards him.

He sighed, looking at her. “Joss, it’s wrong. You’re still-”

“For fuck’s sake, Luke!” she cut him off, fed up with this excuse. “Unless he dies in the Uprising or gets executed, I am going to be his wife until he dies. I mean, can you honestly ever see him signing divorce papers?”

“…no.” he admitted.

“Yeah. And I want to be with you; I thought you wanted to be with me too.” she said, hoping she hadn’t been wrong about that.

“I do want to be with you! It’s just that if I kiss you, that means he’s right.”

She shook her head in confusion. “Who’s right? And right about what?”

He sighed. “Valentine. The whole reason he started injecting himself with demon blood was because he thought we were having an affair. And if I kiss you, that would prove him right.”

She nodded to herself. “But…we were having an emotional affair; he’s already been proven ‘right’.” she said, using verbal air-quotes around right. “And even if he is proven right, that doesn’t make it our fault. He made his own choices.”

“I know that.” he said. “It still feels like our fault though.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s really hard, but we just have to keep reminding ourselves that it isn’t.” she said “But Luke…is that the only reason you don’t want to kiss me? Because if you don’t want to be with me, you should just tell me. I don’t want you to feel as if you have to be with me if you don’t want to be.”

“What? No, of course I want to be with you.” he quickly assured her. “I wouldn’t be with you if I didn’t want to be.”

“Okay. But this guilt, and you feeling like if you kiss me it will prove Val right…it has to stop. I hate the thought of you always…associating me with him. Seeing me as his wife.” She sighed. “Can you please try and work on that? And I’ll try and work on my guilt too; it’s not just you.”

She shook her head. “It’s funny; he’s broken most of our marriage vows yet I still feel horrible for being with you even though you make me happy.”

He nodded. “I’ll try. Guess it’s something we both have to work on.”

“Mmmhmm…” She lifted herself up and onto his lap, wrapping her arms loosely around his neck.

“Well hello.” he teased, smiling at her.

“Hey.” She leaned back against the arm of the couch, yawning. “Shit, Am I crushing you? I can move if-”

“No, I’m fine. You don’t have to move.”

She smiled. “Okay. So, where were in the whole planning-our-future thing…”

“Well, um…and this isn’t till we get settled and everything, or whenever you’re comfortable, obviously, but…would you like to have more kids?” he asked, blushing slightly.

She blushed at his question. “Yeah. I would love to have children with you, Lucian. But, um, obviously once we have a secure life in the mundane world.”

“Right, yeah, of course.” he nodded, and couldn’t help smiling at her answer. He already figured she’d say yes, but it was nice to have it confirmed.

She smiled at the grin that broke out on his face. “Aw, you’re so cute.” she gushed, and leaned down to kiss him.

He kissed her back, wrapping his arms around her loosely. Just as he was about to deepen it, she pulled back.

“Um, we shouldn’t-we shouldn’t go further than that right now. Not till we’re safely away from here and Val can’t get to us.” she explained, her face growing hot.

“Right, yeah, makes sense.” he agreed. “How long till you have to leave?”

She looked at her watch. “Takes me 30 minutes to get back home, so…I have about an hour left before I have to leave.” She yawned. “If you can set an alarm, we could take a nap together or something.” She got off his lap, stretching as she stood up. “Where’s your bedroom?”

He stood up, yawning as he stretched. “This way.” he said, grabbing her hand and leading her to his bedroom.

Chapter Text

"You sure you want to do this?" Luke asked as he followed Joss into the training room, stopping a few feet from her so he'd have room to stretch. It felt weird, being back in an Institute when he's not a Shadowhunter anymore. He could still feel the power of the Runes; Angel blood never really leaves you, despite what Shadowhunters say. There's not enough in him to do anything, but there's just enough for him to be able to still feel the power of the Seraph blades and Runes, the sacredness of the Institute.

"Yeah, I'm sure." Joss replied as she tied off her braid. "No one else will train with me, and I need to let off some steam." she said, lowering her voice despite that they were the only two in the room for once. You could never be too careful with an Institute full of Shadowhunters, seemed like there were always people everywhere.

"Why won't they train with you?"

She sighed, starting to stretch her arms, watching as Luke peeled off his shirt in preparation for the fight and goddamn...it felt really nice not having to divert her gaze or avoid thinking about all the things she wanted to do to him...mainly just kiss him, run her hands down that gorgeous chest...find out what makes him go crazy...

He caught her staring at his chest and couldn't help smirking. "Joss? You okay?"

"Huh?" She quickly pulled her gaze back up to his face, feeling herself start to flush with embarrassment, quickly answering initial his question (because obviously the second had just been to get her attention, going off the smirk on his face). "They don't trust me."

"Why wouldn't they trust you?" he asked as he started to stretch. Were they going to use weapons, or just skin on skin? If it was just skin on skin...jesus, he's glad these shorts are loose. It's insanely sexy when Joss is kicking anyone's ass, but it had always turned him on whenever she could get him down in a fair fight. Not that they'd ever been able to spar since he'd become a werewolf, so he's not even sure if that's something she could still do.

"Cause I'm Val's ex wife. I hear them talking about me; they think I'm on his side or something." She figured she shouldn't mention the more sexual comments they made about her and Val. Luke didn't need to hear about that, he was always so protective of her and she didn't want those racist assholes to have an excuse to kick him out if he got pissed about it, make up some bullshit about him being violent or something. Not that they needed an excuse, but seeing as he's the NY Alpha now...pissing him off would be a bad political move.

Luke stopped stretching, not really believing what he was hearing because what the fuck. "That's bullshit. That doesn't make any sense, why would you be on his side?!? He kidnapped you!" He kept his voice low despite how angry he was, aware of how men being loud and angry always made Joss flinch (it helped that he's slow to anger and doesn't really get loud whenever he is angry).

Joss had to remind herself that he's not mad at her, and she knew that, but it was hard to shake the feeling that it was her fault. "I know. It's just really tiring to hear all the time." She'd given up trying to refute the it, they wouldn't believe her.

Luke walked over to her, stopping short of touching her cause she might not want that. "You okay?"

She instinctively reached for his hand, grabbing hold of his wrist and looking up at him. If it had been anyone else she'd lie and say she's fine, but her and Luke didn't do that with each other, they didn't bullshit about their feelings. "No. But I'll live." She leaned into his chest, letting go of his wrist and wrapping her arms around his torso, relaxing as she felt him start to stroke her back, resting his chin on her head.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, just breathing each other in until Joss took a deep breath and pulled back. "Thanks."

He leaned down, kissing her forehead gently. "Anytime."

She looked up, locking eyes with him. "I don't...I don't just mean for that. Just...thanks, for everything. For protecting Clary and, and looking after Simon and just...thanks for not giving up on me." Would have been so much easier for him to just leave her with Val. After all, she's the reason he got dragged into this whole mess in the first place.

"No need to thank me for that. I promised you I'd protect Clary, Simon obviously came with the package. And giving up on you wasn't an option." He knew if the situations were reversed she wouldn't give up on him (hell, she never had, even when it would've have been easier on her if she had).

God, she doesn't fucking deserve him. He's such a good man, he's way too good for her. It's a goddamn miracle he still loves her after all the shit he's been through cause of her. She blinked back tears, wrapping her arms around his neck and gently tugging him closer to her. "I love you, I love you so so much. You know that, right?"

His hands naturally fell to her waist, and he smiled a bit, feeling that familiar warmth in his chest whenever she told him she loves him. "Yeah, course I do. I love you too."

She smiled back briefly, running her fingertips up and down his neck. "What about you? Are you okay? Anything you wanna talk about?" With everything that had happened...she'd seen him struggling with everything, but of course he stayed strong for the pack and their kids, but he couldn't and shouldn't stay strong all the time. Wasn't healthy.

"Right now I am. In general...we can talk about that later, okay? Don't want to talk about it right now."

She nodded, figuring now wasn't the time to press. "Okay. But we're going to talk about it later. You don't have to be strong for me, I want you to tell me how you're feeling."

"I know. We'll talk about it later, promise."

She nodded, letting her eyes linger on his lips. They hadn't had the opportunity to really, passionately kiss each other since she woke up, she'd never been in the right headspace for it and he'd been so understanding, but right now she felt so safe and comfortable.

He caught her looking at his lips. He was okay with waiting for physical intimacy for as long as she needed, but...jesus, he just wanted her in his bed. Wanted to taste her, wanted her squirming and moaning his name and wanted to be the reason she was feeling so damn good.

She saw his eyes flash green for a moment, wasn't really sure what that meant or if he was even aware of it, but it was sexy as hell. "Can I kiss you?" Hopefully that look in his eyes meant he wanted to kiss her.

He nodded, leaning closer to her and closing his eyes as her lips brushed his, letting her be the one to deepen it, granting her immediate access when her tongue brushed against his lips.

She kept her eyes open, feeling his grip on her waist tighten slightly. She groaned low in her throat, frustrated by their height difference. She reluctantly broke the kiss, slightly out of breath. "Why do you have to be so goddamn tall?"

He opened his eyes as soon as she stopped kissing him, and at her question he burst out laughing, managing to get it under control after a few moments to get out "Genes, I'm guessing."

"Well it's awfully inconvenient." she teased, smiling at him, leaning up to kiss him again.

"Oh my god! Mom! Luke! What are you doing?!?"

Joss immediately stepped back, tithing around. "Clary! We were just about to have a training session."

"But we got a little distracted." Luke added helpfully, and Joss could tell by his voice that he was blushing.

"Right...sorry for screaming, I just was really not expecting that." Clary said, trying to avoid looking at them.

"Yeah, I gathered that." Joss tried not to look too amused; Clary was beat red and looking at the floor. As awkward as the situation was, her reaction was funny.

"Wait, did you say you and Luke were going to train together?!? But he's a werewolf! And you can't fight!"

Luke cut in, correcting her and really? He'd told her several times how Joss is a great warrior, had Clary assumed that all that just went away when Joss became her mother and gotten older? "Oh, you are so wrong about that. Your mom's one of the best Shadowhunters of her generation, possibly the best. And as for the werewolf thing...well, we should be okay cause I'm not going to use my full strength."

Joss turned to him, eyebrows raised. "I don't remember us discussing that."

"I figured it was a given. I don't want to hurt you accidentally."

She sighed, taking his hands in hers. "You're not going to hurt me."

"I don't want to risk it." Out of the corner of his eye, Luke saw Clary sneak out of the room.

"Okay, fine. But I'll know if you let me win and I will be pissed if you let me win. You still have to make it hard for me and try to win, okay? I'm fine with a few bruises."

"Okay. So...sticks or no sticks?"

"No sticks."

"Sure about that? I mean, regardless of the species difference...it's not exactly a fair fight, you're so much smaller than me and I don't want to risk accidentally hurting you."

She sighed, rubbing her thumbs over his knuckles and looking up at him. "Luke, hon, you're not going to hurt me. I know you're not going to hurt me, I trust you. And you just said, I'm a great Shadowhunter." She smiled, trying to put him at ease before adding "If anything, it's more of a fair fight now then it was the last time we did this."

He chuckled briefly at that, leaning down further so he'd be closer to her. "Yeah, well you were always the better fighter."

She shook her head, denying it. "No, I wasn't. I just meant that last time we did this, I pinned you down pretty fast. But it's not cause I was better, you just needed more training."

"No, it's cause you were better. It's okay, that's not who I am anymore, I don't care. You've always been a natural, and I'd always struggled to keep up with you."

She let go of his hands to cup his face. "Well I never saw it that way. I always thought you were a great Shadowhunter. And now you're a great werewolf, and I love you now just as I did then. I mean, not in the same way, I don't love you now like I did when I was 23, I mean of course I'm still in love with you but not in the same way and-ugh! I can't get the words right."

He smiled at her attempts to explain, it was ridiculously cute. She'd always had trouble getting her point across when it came to feelings. "No, I get it. You mean the way you love me has just naturally evolved through the years, right?"

She nodded. "Yeah. That. That's what I meant."

He nodded, smiling. "Well, right back at you."

She burst out laughing as soon as he said that, leaning into him and clutching his shoulders to keep herself upright.

"What's so funny?" he joked, smiling. He figured that'd cheer her up.

She managed to get herself under control after a few minutes, shaking her head, worried he'd gotten the wrong idea. "No, no I wasn't laughing at you, it's just what you said-"

"No, I know you weren't laughing at me, that was just my bad attempt at humor. The what's so funny thing, not the other thing. I meant that." he clarified so she wouldn't get confused.

"Oh." Her face heated up as she inwardly cringed, embarrassed she hadn't gotten the joke. She let go of his shoulders, stepping back from him. "Well we should probably start sparring at some point."

"Right. Okay so...I can use my powers?"

"Yeah, use them. You can go all wolfy if you-"

"No. No no no I am not doing that. No. It's too risky and besides I don't want to fight you as that." He smirked at her, adding "If I'm gonna kick your ass, it's gonna be as me."

"Oh is that what you think is gonna happen? You've never gotten me down in a fight."

"Well how do you know I didn't just let you win?" Yeah, she knows he didn't.

"Cause you actually tried hard and were bummed when I got you down? Why would you let me win back then anyway?"

"Cause you're sexy when you're fighting? And last time we did this I was in my early 20s. Do you see why I'd have a motive for letting you pin me down with your body?"

She blushed, her face growing hot. She'd never known he found her fighting sexy. "You think my fighting is sexy? Is this just with me or is that a thing you're into?"

"Just you. And for the record, as hot as it was when you kicked my ass back then, I never let you win, you won those fair and square." He didn't want her thinking that he'd let her win back then, it wasn't true and he never wanted to be the asshole that made her doubt her own memory.

"Oh."

"So." Luke got into a fighting stance, backing up a few feet from her. "Shall we begin?"

Chapter Text

Luke had never really been able to believe that Val had killed her. Not because he didn't think that he would if given the chance; Val is definitely capable of the "I can't have you, so no one else can" bullshit, but because he would have felt it if she'd died, wouldn't he? It's stupid, and there's no logical reason for it, but she's practically a part of him, she's been one of the only constants in his life, always, and the thought of her dying and him not knowing seemed too ridiculous to fathom.

Still, even believing that, he forced himself to get at least a semblance of a life together before setting out to look for her. He learned how to control himself, and focused on getting used to his new life. If-no, when he found her, because she is not dead she can't be, the thought of her out there, alive, is the only thing that gets him out of bed most days-he wanted to be in full control of himself, didn't want there to be any risk of him hurting her. Once he was confidant in who he was now, he set out to look for her.

He took Europe out of his thoughts entirely, it would feel too much like Idris to her, would have too many bad memories. She'd want to go somewhere she wouldn't stand out, so he figured he'd start with Canada, then work his way down to the U.S. He stayed in the major cities, spent about a year and a half scouring Canada before forcing himself to move on, knowing that if he didn't he'd just keep looking in the same places over and over (he really hoped she hadn't dyed her hair, that was the only real descriptor he had to go off of).

He decided to start in New York and head west, if only because it was easier. Well, easier-ish. New York was a really big city, if she was anywhere it was here. 'Now I just have to look. She's got to be somewhere. Course, if she is even is here, she might not want to see me' He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts as he stepped into the shower. He'd been searching for so long, and if it turned out she was... "No, don't think like that. She is not dead, she can't be. She's alive, and she needs you. She needs you. You just have to keep looking." he told himself firmly. That had been his mantra since the start of his search, 'she's alive and she needs you'. Hell, longer than that, even. Ever since he saw her running away from Val with the Mortal Cup, that thought was never far from his mind.

It was the hardest at night, when he'd dream about her. He didn't dream about her every night, but it happened often enough that he grew to expect it. Sometimes he dreamt of her in some city in a dingy apartment, cold and alone. Those were the worst nights.

In the morning, he had a quick breakfast at the buffet, then went out to continue his search.

Luke hesitantly knocked on the apartment door, hoping that Jocelyn would be on the other side. This was his first concrete lead in 4 months.

They broke apart, tears still shining in their eyes.

Chapter Text

"That's Dot, her ex girlfriend." Val said with a snarl, and surely it was the wine talking that made him out her to a complete stranger.

Dot saw red as soon as Val spoke, vaguely registering Joss hurrying into the kitchen. She walked up to him, refusing to be intimidated by his height. "What the fuck?!? How dare you out her like that! How the fuck dare you?!?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I thought she was proud of who she was." and the smug little smile on his face just pissed her off more. Luke, to his credit, looked just as shocked as she did, though that could be cause he's a typical straight guy who assumed everyone was straight.

"That doesn't mean you can just tell strangers her sexuality! She doesn't know this guy, she just met him! She doesn't want him knowing that about her, it should always be her decision who she comes out to."

"I was just telling him who you were in relation to Jocelyn! I don't see what the big deal is!"

That's it, she's going to punch him. Catarina (sadly) knew what she was about to do through some wife instinct and walked over, grabbing her hand and tugging her into a corner of the room. "Babe, punching Joss' prick of a husband won't help anything."

"I think it would." Would be satisfying as hell, at least.

"Regardless, Joss needs you right now. She looked pretty shaken when she ran into the kitchen, you should go check on her."

Dot sighed, shaking her head. "Why are you always right?" she muttered, giving Cat a quick kiss before going into the kitchen.

Joss felt her face grow hot, and she quickly ducked into the kitchen, trying to calm down, feeling tears prick at the corner of her eyes. She was so humiliated, she didn't even know this man beyond seeing him in that bad commercial, and Val just fucking outed her to him! She could feel herself getting angry at him, and started scratching up and down her left arm to get the anger out and prevent herself from making an impulse decision, going in there and chewing him out.

"Woah, don't do that to yourself!"

Dot. Of course it was her

She felt Dot grab her hand, pulling it off of her skin.

"I thought you'd stopped doing this! You said you found another way to regulate your anger!"

Joss ignored the question, feeling herself start to panic cause shit, Dot shouldn't be in here, what if Val saw her come in?!? "You shouldn't be in here. You know Val doesn't like-"

"I don't give a shit what Val doesn't like. He shouldn't have outed you! God, Cat had to stop me from punching him in the face, I was so pissed!"

"He's drunk, he didn't mean to." But Joss couldn't make herself believe that, he hadn't been that drunk.

"That's bullshit, and you know it. He's never accepted you for who you are, and I told you when you first introduced us that he gave me really bad vibes."

Joss managed to crack a smile at that. "You got bad vibes from all the guys I dated though."

"Yeah, cause you attracted creeps and someone had to be there to watch out for you." Dot pointed out, cracking a smile before growing serious again. "Seriously though Joss, he isn't good for you. He doesn't accept you for who you are, he makes you feel like shit for it, and the fact that he doesn't want you being alone with your married ex girlfriend gives off major red flags."

"I love him, Dot. I love him so much and he doesn't hurt me, he's a good husband, he's just had too much to drink, and...and..." She felt the tears spill out as she broke off in a sob, falling into Dot's arms and crying into her shoulder. It had been such a long time since she'd let herself cry, and it was a relief to be able to finally break down.

She was vaguely aware of Dot stroking her hair and murmuring nonsense into her ear (or at least it sounded like nonsense to her).

When Joss pulled back, she felt worlds lighter, managing a smile. "Thanks Dot...I really needed that. And I'll think about what you said about Val, okay?"

"Okay. Come on, let's fix your makeup." She linked hands with Joss, pulling her into the master bedroom down the hall and into the bathroom, turning on the lightswitch and getting Joss' makeup, cleaning up what had been messed up when she'd been crying.

Joss stayed very still, letting Dot work her magic and after a few minutes, you wouldn't have been able to tell she'd been crying. "Thanks so much Dot." she said as she put her makeup away, giving the other woman a hug after it was put away.

"Anytime babe." she said, pulling back and they walked out together, hands linked. As soon as they got close to the living room where Val, Luke and Cat were, she dropped it, hesitating outside the foyer for a moment before taking a deep breath and walking in a few steps behind Dot.

To say the room was tense was an understatement. Val was sitting on one of the chairs alone, and Catarina was glaring daggers at him by the wine table; if she gripped her glass any tighter it might break. She relaxed considerably once Dot joined her and they started talking in hushed voices (most likely about Val). Luke was playing with his phone in the corner, probably feeling incredibly awkward and Joss would have to go and apologize to him later.

Joss didn't feel like talking to Val right now, but ignoring him would make it worse, so she went and sat down on the chair next to him.

"Where were you and Dot just now?" he asked, voice low.

"Val, not this again. She was just helping me calm down, that's all. We were in the kitchen."

"No, Jocelyn, you weren't. I was just in the kitchen and you weren't there."

Fuck. Apparently this was happening. "We went to the bedroom to fix my makeup."

"You were in our bedroom? Why did you need your makeup fixed? What were you doing that messed your makeup up?" Joss could see him starting to get really pissed off, the alcohol probably not helping the situation. Shit, she need to defuse this fast before he made a scene.

"I was crying, okay? I was crying and I messed up my makeup, so Dot fixed it for me. She is married Val, I'm married. I love you, more than anything." That was a lie, she loved Clary more than him.

He nodded, and Joss relaxed when she saw him starting to calm down. "Good, glad to hear it." He grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her towards him, kissing her hard on the lips, and Joss knew this type of kiss. This was the "you're-mine-and-everyone-should-know-it" kiss. She stopped him before he started the groping, pulling back. "Why don't you go to bed, and I'll show everyone out, okay? I'll join you in a bit."

"Okay. Don't take to long though." he whispered against her ear before getting up and heading towards their bedroom.

Joss dropped her smile as soon as he left, getting up and smoothing down her dress, going to Dot and Midori first. "I gotta go do damage control, so..."

"So we should leave." Cat finished. She knew the drill by now, though Val had never made a scene like this before, or at least not when she was there to see it.

"Yeah. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?" She directed the last comment to Dot, knowing that would be the first thing she'd say.

"You better." Dot pulled her into a hug, whispering "Me and Cat'll stay in the car till Luke leaves, okay?"

Joss pulled back, shaking her head. "You don't have to, Dot. What, did you get bad vibes?"

"No, surprisingly. But just to be sure we're doing it anyway."

"Okay, sure." Joss knew she wouldn't be able to fight Dot on this, and after giving Cat a hug she watched them gather their purses and leave. She walked over to where Luke was still (probably) pretending to text in the corner, looking up at her as she got close. "Hey...I'm really sorry you had to see that. My husband...he doesn't really handle alcohol well, he's not normally like this." It was strange, having to look up at him when she was in heels. That didn't happen too often with her.

He made eye contact with her, and jesus, he has pretty eyes. "Are you going to be alright?"

Joss was taken aback by his question. He wasn't saying what he was supposed to, he's supposed to brush it off and leave, not...this.

She shook her head, trying to get herself to snap out of it cause she'd started staring. "Yes, of course I'll be alright." She tried to make it sound like anything else would be ridiculous, but it came out sounding quiet and needy and this isn't how it's supposed to go.

He kept eye contact with her, breaking it to reach into his wallet and pull out a card, handing it to her. "My number. I used to be a cop, I still have friends on the force. You ever need help, you call me, okay?"

She was starting to get pissed now, how dare he assume anything about her marriage?!? She stepped into his personal space, now annoyed that he was so tall and she couldn't get to eye level. "Listen, I don't need any help you're offering. He's a good man, you just caught him on a bad night is all."

"Never said he wasn't." Luke said calmly, appearing annoyingly unaffected by his personal space being breeched, and did his eyes just flick to her lips?

"Then why are you asking if I'll be alright? Why do you care? You don't know me." She'd tried to make the words biting, had wanted to spit them in his face but her voice broke at care, because he'd noticed. It was different with him noticing, he didn't know her.

Luke kept his eyes locked on hers, very aware she had him literally backed in a corner. "Because I don't like it when people are getting hurt."

Chapter Text

Clary wiped her eyes, trying to hide any signs that she'd been crying as she climbed the stairs back up to the party. 'Why would he just dump me like that?!? It doesn't make any sense, I don't even know that guy!' It was all so confusing, and right now all she wanted was to go home. She saw her mom dancing with her dad, and as much as she hated to interrupt them, she needed her mom. She made her way through the crowd, tugging her mom's arm to get her attention. "Mom? Can I go home early?"

Joss turned to Clary, immediately noticing the tear tracks on her face and pulled out of Val's arms. "Of course hon, I'll drive you." She gave an apologetic smile to Val before she led Clary out of the crowd as inconspicuously as possible so as not to embarrass her. They made their way to the parking lot and Clary climbed into the passenger side as soon as Joss unlocked the car, getting into the driver's seat.

"How's dad gonna get home?" Clary asked, sniffling a little.

"He'll take a cab." Joss wasn't really focused on that right now, starting up the car and heading towards home. "So, do you want to talk about it?" She paused for a moment before adding "Does it have anything to do with that boy you were dancing with? Did he hurt you?" She gripped the wheel hard, praying she'd say no.

"No! He didn't hurt me, mom. Just dumped me."

"Well then he's an idiot. You deserve better." What kind of punk would dump her daughter?!? And at a party no less!

"It's not his fault! He saw me with some guy and thought I was cheating." Clary said, offended that her mom would automatically think Jace is an idiot.

"What guy?" Crap, was this some kind of love triangle drama? She's not sure how she can help with that.

"That guy from that infomercial you like, the bad one. Magnus, I think? He was one of the guests, and we were down in the basement talking-"

"Why were you in the basement?" Joss interrupted, furrowing her brows. Sneaking around during a party was very un-Clary-like behavior.

"Um, he mentioned wanting to rent it out for some party or something, I don't really remember. I offered to show it to him, and Jace came down and got the wrong idea, and before I could explain he dumped me."

Okay, this sounded easily fixable to Joss, but right now she was more focused on this Magnus guy. Luring a teenage girl down to the basement, she didn't buy his excuse for one second. "Well how about you call him tomorrow once he's calmed down, and you explain all that to him. If he's a good guy he'll believe you." She stopped at a red light, and turned to her. "But Clary, I want you to listen to me very carefully. If you ever get a bad feeling about this Jace, or any other guy, if you ever get the feeling that they might hurt you, you come to me and you tell me, okay? Promise me you'll do that."

Well this was a weird reaction. She knew her mom was protective but she looked about ready to murder this hypothetical boy who had hurt her. "Okay, I promise." 'Please let this conversation be over'

"Good. I hope everything works out with Jace, you seem to like him a lot."

Clary blushed, looking down. "Yeah, I guess..."

Sensing that she was embarrassing her, Joss turned on the radio and they spent the rest of the drive in silence.

As soon as they got home, Clary hurried upstairs to her room. Joss went into her and Val's room, pulling her heels off and putting them in the closet. She took her dress off and hung it up, then plugged her phone in by the bed.

After taking a quick shower, she changed into pajamas and got into bed. Unplugging her phone, she pulled up the internet and googled "magnus bane".

The first result was the address for his palm reading shop, and she copied it down in the notes on her phone. Tomorrow she was going to go there and find out what he had planned to do to her daughter (after that, she wasn't sure. Something violent, probably).

"Night mom, I'm going to bed!" she heard Clary yell, making her smile. She was going to miss that when she started college.

"Okay, love you! Night!" she called back. She put her phone down on her bedside table and curled up in under the covers, falling asleep.

She felt Val crawl in at some point in the night, and she leaned into him, still half asleep. Unfortunately he took that to mean sex, and started wetly kissing her neck.

"No, babe. It's late, I'm really tired." she mumbled, opening her eyes a little. She really didn't want this tonight.

"But it's been months since we've had sex...please?" he mumbled, sucking on her neck.

She groaned, pushing him away. “No, I don’t want to.”

Val groaned. “Jocelyn, please? I think I deserve it. The party was a success, and it’s been so long since we’ve had sex.”

She froze, turning to face him. "Excuse me? You don't deserve anything! You're not going to guilt trip me into having sex with you!" she whispered, really pissed off now.

"I never said I deserved sex, you misunderstood. I only meant that we haven't had sex in a while, and I missed it. I never said I deserved to have sex with you."

That didn't make any sense. He'd just said that he deserved sex. Unless she'd misheard him, she was tired. "Well I don't want to have sex right now."

"Fine. Tomorrow night then." He rolled over before she could say anything, clearly pissed off.

Joss sighed. By his tone, he took that to be final and she didn't really want to argue right now. Besides, it had been a while. She rolled over so their backs were facing each other and closed her eyes, falling asleep.

She woke up to him kissing her neck, feeling him bite hard every so often and okay, apparently he expected sex right now. "Babe, don't you have to go to work?"

"I can afford to be a little late." he mumbled against her skin, pulling back to look at her as his hand slipped between her thighs, pulling down her pajama pants and underwear, throwing them somewhere on the floor.

She didn't really want to fight this. Sex first thing in the morning was never her favorite thing but if it got him off her back, she'd put up with it. She put on a smile, trying to seem like she was into it as she sat up, pulling off her tank top, dropping it on the floor and laying back on the bed as he took his tshirt and boxers off. He fingered her for a bit to get her warmed up before getting on top of and entering her. He started sucking her neck, thrusting into her at an increasingly faster pace and she hated this. Not only because she didn't want to have sex right now, but because it felt like he was just using her body as something to ejaculate into. To his credit, he was at least trying to make her feel good, reaching between their bodies and rubbing her clit, but she really wasn't into it so it wasn't doing anything for her. Luckily she was normally very quiet during sex so Val didn't notice when she didn't cum (he probably would have used that as an excuse for another round and that's the last thing she wanted). He was off of her a few minutes after he came, smiling at her and giving her a quick kiss on the cheek, murmuring "Shower" before going to their bathroom and closing the door. Joss cleaned up her thighs, wincing as his cum started dripping out of her. She'd always hated how messy sex was (mostly cause she was the one that had to clean it up), and it didn't seem fair that she was the one that got most of the mess.

She cleaned herself off the best she could with tissues, throwing them in the wastebasket by their bed. She waited till Val left the bathroom to take her shower. While she showered, she worked on her plan of attack with this Magnus guy. Right now, the plan was she'd go in posing as someone who wants her fortune told, (and as much as she didn't believe in things like fate, it could be fun), then confront him about what he'd been doing with her daughter. 'Yeah, that'll work. I hope.'

She dried off and got dressed, grabbing her phone from her bedside table and going out to the kitchen. She checked her messages as she got the egg carton out, seeing a text from Clary.

went over to simon's, will be back later

She typed back okay, thanks for telling me. Love you! after she made herself eggs for breakfast.

After breakfast, she washed the dishes and called a cab, giving the address for Magnus' palm reading shop.

Chapter Text

Luke coughed into his elbow, quickly grabbing a tissue from the box on his desk and blowing his nose, hoping it wouldn't be noticeable.

Unfortunately, he did not succeed.

"Detective Garroway, that's the third time you've coughed in 3 minutes."

He looked up, wincing inwardly when he saw the new captain standing over him. Captain Davis had been transferred here a few weeks ago, and so far was doing a good job. Only annoying part is the man seemed to notice everything, including his cold.

"Just have a slight cold sir, it's nothing to worry about." Luke assured him.

At that moment however a coughing fit started up, and when he was finished he looked back at the captain and knew what was coming next just by the expression on his face (he'd never met someone whose skin was that sensitive to the sun. Well, no one human).

"Go home Garroway, I don't want you getting anyone else sick. Take the day off, or two if you aren't better by tomorrow. That's an order."

Luke sighed, nodding. It wasn't worth it to put up a fight, and truth be told his head was killing him. Going home sounded really good right now. "Thanks."

Capt. Davis nodded briefly before walking back to his office.

On the drive home, he couldn't help hoping that Joss wouldn't be there. He didn't want her worrying about him (of course if the tables were turned and she were the one sick, he'd be just as worried about her).

She had enough to deal with just by adjusting to what had changed since she'd woken up, he didn't want her worrying over him with so much on her plate. It seemed like the Shadowhunters were always asking her for help at tracking Valentine down, and he could tell having to rehash her past with Valentine over and over again took a lot out of her.

As soon as he walked through the door of his apartment, he saw Joss reading a book on the sofa. 'Shit, no luck there'

Jocelyn looked up from her book when he walked in. "You're home early. Something wrong?" she asked, marking her spot and putting it on the coffee table.

He took his time hanging up his coat, slipping his shoes off before turning around to face her. "Yeah, uh, I got a little cold. Captain was worried about it infecting other people."

"You're sick? Why didn't you tell me? Sit down, I gotta take your temperature." She got up, rushing over to the medicine cabinet and he sighed, taking a seat on the couch.

"It's not that serious hon, I'm okay." he said as she ran back with the med kit as if she was afraid he'd keel over any second if she wasn't watching him.

"Open." she ordered, holding up the thermometer.

He opened his mouth, letting her put it under his tongue. She waited a few minutes before taking it out, looking at it.

"98, least your temperature is normal. What are your symptoms?"

"Babe, it's just a cold. I'm okay, I just have a cough and my throat hurts a little. I'm not bedridden or anything. Davis is just overly cautious, that's all."

"Okay. Want a cough drops for your throat?" she offered, starting to calm down a little.

"Sure, yeah that'd be great." he said, figuring it couldn't hurt.

She fished the cough drops out of the med kit and handed 1 to him. Then she packed up the med kit and put it back in the kitchen cabinet.

"So, what are you doing here? Didn't Aldertree want you at the Institute?" he called, craning his neck to look into the kitchen behind him.

"Yeah, but turns out they didn't need me after all." she answered as she walked back into the living room. She sat down next to him and stretched her legs out on top of his lap. "This okay?" she asked, glancing at him.

"Yeah." he nodded, running his hands over her legs idly. "Does it bother you?"

"Does what bother me?" she asked, looking at him.

"Them not needing you. Does that bother you?" he clarified.

"A little, just cause I want to help track Val down. I want to do something, but apparently they don't think I have any information they need. Which I think is stupid, seeing as me and you are the two people who really knew him. We should be the ones they need the most." She sighed. "Does it bother you that they don't need you?"

"Honestly, not really. I have enough to deal with at the station and the pack. Last thing I need is Shadowhunters asking for help all the time." He could feel himself get a bit worked up, continuing, "And the most annoying part is, they call me up asking for my and the pack's help, just expecting it, no questions asked regardless if it's in our interests, but of course if I were to ever ask for their help and what I needed help with wouldn't benefit them, they'd refuse."

She nodded, listening to him rant. "That sounds really annoying." She knew those weren't the right words, that annoying didn't even begin to cover it, but she didn't really know what to say. She couldn't say she understood what that felt like, because she didn't.

"Yeah, it is."

"Anything I can do to help?" She wanted to be useful somehow.

He smiled. "Having you here helps."

"Aww, thanks." she gushed, kissing his cheek.

He smiled, leaning towards her. He looked at her, and god she’s beautiful.

Chapter Text

"I need you to put aside the betrayal you're feeling right now and listen to me, okay? I need you to really listen and understand why I didn't tell you."

He nodded, sitting upright. "Alright, I'm listening."

She took a shaky breath, trying to find the right words to explain herself, unable to look at him. "Sorry, I just...I don't really know how to start."

"How about you start at why you were afraid to lose me." He shook his head, scoffing at the thought. "I mean, that...Jesus, Joss. I would have thought you'd know by now that you're never going to lose me. Haven't I shown you that I love you, that I'm never going to leave?" 'Did I do something that made her think I'd leave her if she told me? Or is it something I didn't do?'

She immediately shook her head, reaching across the table, hesitating for a moment before taking his hand. "No. No, you've been perfect. It's got nothing to do with you, Luke. Trust me, okay? It's got nothing to do with you."

He squeezed her hand gently, keeping his eyes on her despite her gaze having dropped to the table. "Then what is it?"

"I just...I was afraid you wouldn't be able to love me if you knew that Val had injected me with demon blood. I mean, you always kind of, you always look at me like I'm amazing or something, and sometimes it feels like you don't see me?" She let go of his hand, wiping at her eyes, blinking fast to hold back tears. "And I know you love me, I know that but sometimes I just worry that you're only with me cause of that night in the barn, or cause you feel like you have to be. I don't want you to be with me cause you feel like you have be." She could feel the tears about to slip out and quickly looked up, squeezing her eyes shut.

'This is too much distance' He got out of his booth, sliding in beside her, and she wasn't looking at him, still staring at the ceiling trying not to cry. "Jocelyn, I'm not with you cause I feel like I have to be, or cause of that night in the barn or any bullshit like that. I'm with you cause I want to be, cause I love you."

"I know...but you know me, I can't just stop the goddamn voices in my head that say otherwise. But I know Clary doesn't have any in her." She paused, taking a breath to calm down. "Remember when I had Dot take some of Clary's blood a few days after she was born?"

Luke nodded quickly. "You said it was just a precaution to make sure she's okay. I take it you were having her check for demon blood?" he guessed, squeezing her hand gently.

"Yeah, that's why. And the results came back negative, so Val didn't get to her, thank god."

"I thought he didn't know you were pregnant." Luke said, furrowing his brows. It had never seemed like he'd known.

"Yeah, that's what I thought too. But he told me when I was in my coma that he had suspected that I was pregnant, but thought it was yours." she explained, loosening her grip on his hand slightly.

Chapter Text

“You know what, I'm going to need Joss' help on this. Be right back." He walked back over to their table, sitting down. "Maia wants to know how long we've been dating."

Joss stared at him, confused. That wasn't a hard question to answer, it was obviously 22 years. "And you came back over here because..."

"Cause, I can't figure out where I should start counting. She said I should start at when we fell in love, but I don't know if I should start at when we realized it, or when we felt it."

She nodded, understanding now. "Start at the affair."

"Not an affair."

She groaned, shaking her head. "Babe, we've been over this. Just because we didn't do anything physical, we still had feelings for each other. Or are you saying that all those times you were comforting me when things got really bad with Val were always entirely platonic?"

"...no, they weren't. But we didn't know we had those feelings till the barn! And an affair is intentional. That wasn't intentional."

She raised her eyebrows. "I'm going to give you a second to think about what you just said, cause surely you didn't mean to say that you were just unintentionally helping me through one of the worst moments of my life."

He winced, shaking his head. "Yeah, sorry, really bad word choice." He sighed, looking down and reaching for her hands. "I just...I don't like thinking of it as an affair, because that would mean that he was right about us. I don't want him to be right about us."

'Of course he would see it that way, oh god of course he would' she thought, her stomach dropping out from the weight of he sadness she felt for him. "I never knew you saw it that way."

He looked up. "I know. It's hard to talk about, and I know you don't like talking about him." He felt the words bubbling up in him, feeling the need to explain. "Him being right about us means that it's all our fault-"

She shook her head violently, cutting him off. "No. No, don't you ever say that. Don't say that, please don't say that. It's not our fault, it's not." She pulled her hands out of his, trying to hold back the tears that were starting to well up. She took a few deep breaths, meeting his eyes. "Listen to me. Everything-everything he's done, is his fault and only his fault. He made his own choices. Our love did not drive him to commit genocide. It didn't." She leaned back in her seat, wiping her eyes.

He nodded, considering her point of view. "Why does it upset you so much that I see it that way?"

She sighed heavily, meeting his eyes. "Because. Knowing that you loved me was one of the only good things in my life back then. It's pathetic I know, but it really, really helped me when Val started spiraling worse and worse. And you're one of the only good things in my life, and I love you so much and it hurts knowing you see your love for me as the reason Val's done what he's done."

Chapter Text

"Call me when you can."

"Yeah."

Luke's phone started ringing again as soon as he got off with the station. 'Probably a wrong number' he thought, seeing 'Unknown' in place of a caller ID. He was about to let it ring out when he remembered he'd told Jocelyn to call him. He quickly answered just before the last ring, smiling. "Hey. Where'd you get the phone?"

"Borrowed it; apparently they keep spare phones around in case people need them. How are things at the Jade Wolf?" Jocelyn asked, locking the door to her (hopefully temporary) bedroom.

"Good. Got Simon settled in a boathouse. It's not ideal, but it'll do for now." He sat down on the couch, not wanting to go back out into the dining area; least here he could have the illusion of privacy (actual privacy was impossible in a restaurant full of werewolves).

"Good." She sat down on the end of the bed, lodging the phone between her shoulder and ear as she took off her shoes, tossing them in a corner. "Is he okay? How is he holding up? Is he eating enough?" She winced, remembering that Simon couldn't technically eat anymore. "I mean, is he getting enough blood?"

"I think so. I've been getting him cow blood, not the best source of food for him but he understandably doesn't want human blood." Poor kid. He'd do everything he could to help Simon adjust, but he knew from experience that it wasn't going to be easy.

She scooted backwards, stretching her legs out. "Is there anything I can do to help? I know I'm stuck here, but-"

"Wait, what do you mean you're stuck there?" Wasn't the lockdown over?

She sighed heavily. "Aldertree isn't letting me or Clary leave the Institute because of our 'relationships to Jonathan and Valentine'." she explained, inflicting verbal air-quotes. "Said he wants to keep a close eye on us, which really just means he doesn't trust us. Makes sense, if I was in his shoes I wouldn't trust me either." She could handle the Clave making an example of her, but she'd never wanted Clary to be punished as well.

He shook his head, exhaling loudly into the phone. "No, it doesn't. Valentine kidnapped you, there's no reason for them not to trust you."

"I don't know what their logic is. To them, I'm his ex-wife which means I can't be trusted." she said, rolling her eyes.

"So, it's Shadowhunter logic." he deadpanned. He has had it up to his ears with Shadowhunter bullshit.

She chuckled at that, nodding. "Basically, yeah. But I don't want to talk about that. How are you holding up?"

"Fine." He lowered his voice, covering the phone. "Can't talk about that right now. Don't want the pack overhearing; not good for morale to hear their leader's problems."

"Ah. You're still at the Jade Wolf?"

"Yeah. I might just camp out here, head to work in the morning." The couch wasn't big enough for him to sleep on without his feet hanging off, but he'd make it work. He leaned back on the couch, stretching his legs. "Did they give you a room? You're not camped out in the hallway or anything, right?" He's not sure what he could do to help her if she was, but he wanted to know.

"No, I have a room. And a bed that's too big for one person..." she trailed off, plopping down on her back. "I wish you were here. I miss you."

"I miss you too. Wish you could come here. Well, not here. Here home, I mean." That didn't make any sense. "You get what I mean, right?"

"Yeah, I get it." She groaned, shutting her eyes briefly. "Ugh, everything is so different now. You're the only thing that hasn't changed." Wait, being the Alpha was a big change. "I mean, not like Simon. Obviously being Alpha is a big change for you. Not trying to diminish that or anything."

"I know, I get what you're saying."

"Good. And I'm sorry they keep calling you Graymark, I've been trying to get Aldertree to stop but no luck so far."

"I appreciate that hon, but they're not going to stop. It's a power move, they want to keep reminding me I'm not one of them anymore." Just another way for them to feel superior. 'Look at us, you used to be this, and now you're just a Downworlder' he mocked in his head.

"I hate it." 'God, that sounds so goddamn hollow and meaningless. You're a Shadowhunter too, you can't distance yourself from the ones who treat him and the rest of the Downworlders like dirt' she reminded herself sternly, not wanting to fall into that line of thinking.

"Me too."

They fell silent, listening to each other's breathing. God, she missed him so much it physically hurt. "Luke?"

"Yeah?"

"When I was in my coma, you told me something that I've been wondering about."

He leaned forward, curious. He'd hoped she'd heard what he'd said to her when she was in the coma, but hadn't known for sure. "What was it?"

"Um, you said something about us missing a wedding, then you said "you and I will be able to share our love openly one day". And I'm probably reading into this way too much, but to me that sounds like a marriage proposal." She paused, tapping her fingers on her stomach. "Was it?" 'I hope it was'

He thought it over. When he'd said that, he had been thinking about marrying her but it hadn't been a proposal, at least not in the official sense. "Honestly...no, it wasn't. That was just...me letting you know that I still want that."

"Oh." She grinned. "I want that too, and I know we haven't really talked about it in years but now...now it can finally happen and it doesn't seem real."

"In a good way?" he teased, smiling. She sounded so happy, he loved it whenever she was genuinely happy.

"Good way. Really, really good way." She closed her eyes, breathing deeply. "When's the last time we had sex?"

Woah, that was a change of topic. He slipped his shoes off, checking to make sure he'd locked the door to the living room area before putting his feet up on the couch and laying down. "Um, it's been a while...I think about 2 years? Yeah, cause that's the last year Clary went to Camp Winnipesoukee. Why'd you ask?"

"Cause. I was wondering if it'd be different once we're married."

"What do you mean, 'different'?" he asked cautiously, hoping she didn't think it would suddenly change once they got married.

"I mean emotionally. Do you think it'll feel different?"

"I don't know...maybe." He leaned his head back on the arm of the couch, closing his eyes and losing himself in images of the last time they'd had the chance to be intimate. "Do you want it to feel different?"

"No. I love how it feels now, don't want that to change." She spread her legs a couple inches, breath starting to quicken.

"How does it feel to you now?" he asked, wetting his lips as his mouth started to get dry.

She was panting now, closing her eyes as she remembered the last time he'd gone down on her. She held back from touching herself, digging her hand into her stomach. "Physically or emotionally?" she got out, slightly breathless.

"Both." he panted, resisting the urge to touch himself. He could tell she was getting aroused, hearing her breathing pick up.

"Fuck...hon, if this is going where I think it is, you might want to get somewhere private. Like your home."

He groaned, sitting up. She was right. "Okay, good point. But it'll take me at least 10 minutes to get there, think you'll still be in the mood then?"

"You don't have to worry about that. Just um, don't do anything stupid like speeding, kay?"

"Wasn't going to. I'll call you when I get home, love you."

"Love you too." She hung up, getting off the bed and stripping down to her underwear. She grabbed Luke's spare shirt off the top of the dresser, pulling it on before grabbing her stele from the bedside table and going over to the door, putting a lock rune on as a precaution, not wanting anyone to barge in. She added silence runes to the walls, wanting whatever privacy she could get in an Institute full of Shadowhunters. Satisfied, she went back to bed, pulling the blankets back and crawling in. Rearranging the pillows behind her head, she settled in.

Luke drove as fast as he legally could, wishing he was headed to the Institute instead of his lonely apartment. He'd hoped that now that she was awake, his apartment would get less lonely, but of course the goddamn Shadowhunters had to keep them separated. 'I just want to live with her. I wanna wake up next to her every morning, kiss her, make love to her...' he thought, feeling that familiar ache in his chest at not being able to have that. He called her at a stop light, putting his phone on speaker and resting it on the dash.

She grabbed her phone, smiling as she answered. "Hey, that was quick."

"I'm not home yet, sorry. I just...I really miss you."

"I miss you too." She sighed, grabbing the sheet and pulling it up to her chest. "I was hoping I'd move in with you once the lockdown was lifted..."

"Yeah, me too. I had this whole plan; you and Clary were gonna move in with me, I mean she already has a room at my apartment...I know the Institute is supposed to be the safest place for you, but I'd feel better having you close."

"I'd feel safer living with you than I do here." she admitted, closing her eyes. "I always feel safer with you."

He smiled briefly, before remembering he hadn't been able to protect her from Val. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you."

She opened her eyes, frowning. "Babe, that's not your fault. I didn't need protecting; I took out 3 Circle members before drinking the potion. I knew I couldn't beat Pangborn and Blackwell, and I couldn't risk Val torturing the location of the Cup out of me. You couldn't have known they'd find me, so don't go blaming yourself for my kidnapping."

"I'll try." He pulled into his parking lot, grabbing his phone off the dash and taking it off speaker. "Just pulled up. Want me to call you when I'm in my apartment?"

"Text me when you're in bed, and I'll call you."

"Kay, will do." He hung up, shoving his phone in his pocket as he got out of the car and locked it. locking it behind him. He went up to his apartment and dropped the keys on the counter.

He slipped his shoes and socks off, dropping his keys on the counter on his way to the bedroom. He went to the closet and locked his gun in the safe, hanging his holster up on a spare hanger. He shut the closet, going into the bathroom and brushing his teeth, washing his face off afterwards.

Walking back into the bedroom, he peeled his shirt off, half-heartedly folding it up before dropping it into a drawer. He tossed his phone onto the bed before taking his pants off and opening the bottom drawer, tossing them in.

He crawled into bed, grabbing his phone before pulling the covers back.

In bed he texted her, leaning back on the pillows.

She called him as soon as she saw the text. "Hey."

"Hey. So...you still in the mood?" He rearranged the pillows against the headboard with his free hand, leaning back.

"Yep."

"Wait, do we have to worry about people walking in on you?"

"Already took care of that; I put a lock rune on the door, and silence runes on the walls."

"Why do you need a silence rune? You're not that loud."

"Yeah, but I'm surrounded by Shadowhunters. Don't want to take any chances that someone using a hearing rune will hear me."

"Oh. So, how do you want to do this?" he asked, shifting his phone to his non-dominant hand.

"Well...I was thinking we could video chat or something?"

"Can we do that without the screen freezing every 5 seconds?" he asked, doubtful. Any form of video chat was slow and blurry.

"Maybe? We can try at least. I'll call you?"

"Okay." He hung up, answering her video call a few seconds later. "Where'd you get that shirt?"

"You left it here on accident and Aldetree gave it to me to give back to you."

"Ah. And instead you're sleeping in it." he teased, smiling.

She blushed, looking away. "Smells like you, and it's comfy." she mumbled, looking back at him.

"Hey, I'm not complaining. You look cute."

"Aw, thanks babe."

"Welcome. So...what do we want to do?"

"I dunno...I'm not taking any clothes off cause it's freezing in here. I'm not sure if the Institute has heating. If it does it's not on in my room."

"Ah. That sucks."

"Yep...maybe we could just talk? Tell what we would want to do if we could. If I was with you."

He groaned, smiling. "That definitely works. Okay if I start?"

She nodded, switching the phone to her non-dominant hand. "Go for it."

"Well, um...and don't laugh at this, but I'd want to carry you over the threshold."

"Why? And which threshold, apartment or bedroom?" she asked, furrowing her brow in confusion.

"Both? And just cause I've always wanted to do that."

She shook her head, trying to make sense of this. "Why have you always wanted to do that?"

He thought about it. "Cause it's romantic? Why, do you not like that?"

"No, I do. I just never knew it was something you wanted to do. You never mentioned it."

"Really? Thought I had. But yeah, it's just something I thought would be fun."

"Says the person who doesn't have to worry about being dropped." she pointed out, smiling.

He gasped in mock offense. "I wouldn't drop you! I caught you when you woke up from the coma, remember? You're not that heavy. And even if you were, I have the whole werewolf strength thing, so no worries."

"Okay, I get it, you wouldn't drop me. So, you carry me over threshold #1. You'd need to set me down so I can get me shoes and coat off, and you'd have to take yours off-"

"Babe." he cut her off, shaking his head. "For the sake of this whole thing, can we just skip to threshold #2 and assume we've already taken off our coats and shoes and socks? To make it easier."

She nodded. "Okay, we can do that. So, you carry me over threshold #2, and then what?"

"And then I set you down and we take our clothes off. As in, I take my clothes off and you take your clothes off." he clarified, anticipating her next question and answering it before she could ask.

"Okay,”

Chapter Text

"She was so angry. And who can blame her?" Jocelyn said, her anger at herself seeping into her words.

"I hate to say this, but had you
come clean with her, she might've understood. I might've understood." Luke retorted, frustrated and hurt that he was just learning what had happened to her over two decades ago. "Jace's demon blood? Valentine's experiments? I mean, how could you not tell me that? I tell you everything!"

"I was trying to protect you!" she shot back, defensive.

"Trying to protect me?" he scoffed, voice raising as he got more worked up. He looked around, lowering his voice. "That's what you said about Clary when we talked about wiping her memory. And look where that got you."

Jocelyn broke eye contact, trying to keep her tears at bay as she gathered the courage to tell him. "I was afraid to lose you." she confessed, managing to meet his eyes at the last two words.

A heavy silence fell over them, her words hanging in the air.

Luke's anger melted away as he processed what her words meant. 'Of course she would be afraid she'd lose me if she told me about the experiments' he thought, feeling foolish for not realizing it himself. He broke eye contact as he stepped towards her, wrapping his arms around her and tucking his head into her shoulder.

Jocelyn clung to him, closing her eyes as they rocked back and forth for a moment before he pulled away, and she felt him kiss the side of her head. She opened her eyes, looking up at him.

He met her eyes. "You are never going to lose me. What Valentine did doesn't change anything between us."

Chapter Text

"So, Simon, how're things?" Luke asked, sliding into the booth across from him. "You doing okay?"

Simon nodded, smiling. "Yeah, I'm doing fine." His smile faded as he thought about the argument the Fray women had had earlier. "Mrs. F and Clary's fight wasn't fun to be stuck in the middle of, though."

"Yeah, Joss mentioned that they had an argument." Luke said, nodding. "She said she didn't mean for you to get involved, said it wasn't fair to you."

"Well, she...she tried to get me to back off a bit, cause I kind of tried to get them to calm down." Simon admitted, looking down at the table. "It just kind of...reminded me of when Mom and Becky would fight, you know? I would always try to calm them down, and I didn't want Jocelyn and Clary to fight cause we just got her back." He paused, not sure if he should say anything else; he didn't want to get Clary in trouble.

Luke sensed that Simon was hesitating. "I'm not going to judge you Simon, you can tell me whatever you want to tell me."

Simon nodded, swallowing hard. "Um...well between you and me...I think Clary was way too harsh on Jocelyn." he said, furrowing his brow as he thought. "I mean, Mrs. F shouldn't have shot Jace, but Valentine injected her with demon blood when she was pregnant with him! And on top of that, Ragnor Fell had a whole foreboding prophesy about him causing death and destruction...I'd be scared too. So I get why she did it. She was scared, and she wanted to protect Clary and me and everyone. And Jace had broken the Accords when she shot at him-"

"Wait, he broke the Accords?!?" interjected Luke. "What did he do?"

"He killed a vampire who had surrendered to the Clave. Clary thinks Valentine made him do it, and he probably did but we don't know for sure. And like, what Mrs F. did was bad, but it wasn't worse than Valentine! She's not a monster!" Simon ranted, shaking his head.

Luke raised his eyebrows. "Clary called Jocelyn a monster and said that she was worse than Valentine?" he asked, hoping that Simon was misremembering and Clary hadn't said that to Jocelyn.

"Well, no. Not in that order." Simon admitted. "She said,"-he made his voice a bit higher for Clary-"everybody says that Valentine's the monster, but you just tried to kill your own son!"

Dropping the voice, he continued "And then I jumped in and tried to diffuse the situation, and Mrs. F. asked me to step back. And then when she told Clary about the experiments, Clary tried to say that it's the same thing as a Downworlder cause we have demon blood too. But I don't think that really fits? Cause Mrs. F and Jace were injected with demon blood, and that's not the same thing, is it?"

"No, it's not the same thing at all." Luke said, shaking his head vehemently. "Being injected with demon blood and being a Downworlder are in no way comparable. We naturally have demon blood; what Valentine did to Jace and Jocelyn was never supposed to happen because they are not meant to have demon blood."

"Oh." Simon furrowed his brow. "But then why did the demon blood make Jonathan evil but Jocelyn isn't evil?"

Luke raised an eyebrow at him. "I would have thought you learned this in school, but Valentine injected the demon blood into Jonathan when he was in Jocelyn's womb and still developing. She doesn't know when Valentine started the injections but it was probably the full 9 months, so the demon blood had an influence his development."