Chapter Text
Ryan couldn’t settle his nerves. He’d been pulled out with Josh that day for a round of humiliating games.
It still disturbed him how limp and pliant Josh was. To hear his voice so clipped and cheerful with no expression on his face, just… totally blank. Sometimes he would plaster on an awful, blank smile.
Yes, Lily. Thank you, Lily. I’m sorry, Lily.
The words were sickening coming out of a grown man. And still she abused him. Pinched his tiny limbs between her fingers like toothpicks. Tossed him from too high up. Forced his body into doll clothing.
Ryan was only told to witness it today, and Lily set him up on top of the dresser, right on top of a stupid glittery jewelry box.
Josh’s nose was bleeding, and he thought his mouth was, too. She’d set him on top of a block tower, then knocked it over with a squeal. When Lily plucked his little body from the rubble, a bruise was already blooming on his cheek, blood smearing on her fingers.
“You saved me, Lily, thanks!” Josh chirped happily. His lips were cracked and his teeth were pink, blood pooling at the corner of his mouth.
Ryan turned away and paced again and again. His feet were starting to blister from walking in circles, but he couldn’t make himself sit still.
He was supposed to be a cop, a protector. He was called to serve and protect!
And here he was, placed on a dresser like a ceramic angel, unable to do anything while a grown man was brutalized by a little girl. Every time she dropped Josh, or pinched his arms too hard, or squeezed his body tight in her fist, he felt his body react. He wanted to run forward and pull Josh out of her hands, like any good person would. Now that he knew Josh was fully human, just like him, the urge was becoming desperation. But he couldn’t. He was just as small and powerless.
He was angry at Lily. The little girl that claimed his life and stole his humanity.
He was angry at Josh, that a grown man could be handled and battered like that and still say thank you.
Angry that some part of him, deep down in the depths of his soul, the part that remembered the tape and Ella’s fingers, was starting to whisper that it would be easier to give in.
“I can’t be this,” he muttered, to no one. “I won’t be like this.”
But the soft pink flower stencil on the wall didn’t answer.
And Josh, blood still wet under his nose, smiled up at Lily like nothing had happened.
Ethan could see it in Josh’s face when he and Ryan were returned. His face was distant, his limbs were trembling. He was looking at his hands like they didn’t belong to him anymore.
Josh was still damp, his hair still dripping with cold water. Ethan shivered. That meant there’d been blood, and that Josh had been held under the tap and rinsed off. It had been a bad one.
But Ethan could tell it was more than just physical. There was that distance in his eyes that Ethan recognized from looking at from below. Josh was at his limit.
Ryan was no help. As soon as he was placed on the floor, he’d gone back to the corner to begin trying to climb the stuffed animals, muttering curses under his breath.
Ethan helped Josh to his feet, led him over to their bed, and had him sit.
“What happened out there?” Ethan said, putting his arm around Josh’s shoulders. Josh only shook his head, eyes still far away. He glanced at Ryan, still moving, still functional, and something in his jaw clenched, furious and ashamed.
Ryan never stopped fighting. Ryan never went empty. But… she didn’t hurt Ryan as much as she hurt Josh. Not yet, anyway.
Ethan frowned.
He felt so helpless It was ironic. He used to know exactly what to do, exactly how to slow his breathing and stretch out in Josh’s massive, cradling palm without hesitation. But… he didn’t know how to reach him anymore. He’d never been good with words, and worse with knowing the right thing to say.
But Ethan knew what to do.
He pushed himself off the bed and sank to the floor. His knees scraped the hard wood of the toybox bottom and he settled himself down, wrapping his arms around Josh’s legs. He set his head in Josh’s lap and waited.
Josh’s fingers found him first. Shaky and hesitant, but already moving without even thinking.
Ethan closed his eyes. Of course.
Of course he remembered how to do this.
Josh’s hand slid into his hair and began to move, brushing it, petting it, each pass steadier than the last. He fell into rhythm too easily, and it almost felt compulsive.
It was like slipping on an old jacket, one that was already worn in and comfortable. Josh’s hand found the rhythm, and Ethan let himself relax into it.
Ethan carefully let out a steady breath, enjoying the familiar feeling. When he’d been ¼ inch tall everything had overwhelmed him, even things like this.
But now he found himself missing it.
And it clearly still helped. This was good. He could still help. He was still worth something to someone.
Josh let out a breath above him, like a man stepping out for his first smoke in weeks. His hands weren’t trembling anymore. God help him, it still worked. But still… Josh didn’t say anything to him. Didn’t pull him off the floor.
Ethan stayed where he was, head bowed under Josh’s hand, knees on the wooden floor beneath, until it became clear Josh wasn’t going to stop.
The old rhythm continued – no adjustments for their new reality.
A strange chill passed through him, quiet and bitter. But he couldn’t move without disrupting everything he’d just built.
This was still good. He was still needed. He knew if he looked up he would see Josh smiling, and that made it all worth it.
Josh kept petting him like a lifeline.
Neither of them said a word.
Ryan slipped, his fingers unable to use the silky fur of the stuffed animals to climb properly. His fingers ached, but his limbs were still buzzing.
He glanced over to where Josh and Ethan were sitting on the bed.
No.
They weren’t both sitting.
Josh sat on the edge of the bed, spine slumped, his hands moving like he wasn’t in control of his own limbs.
But Ethan… Jesus.
He was on the floor. Kneeling like a dog. Arms wrapped around Josh’s leg like a lifeline. His head was heavy in Josh’s lap. And he just stayed there. Still. Eyes open.
His stomach twisted, and he made a face.
Josh’s hand kept moving through Ethan’s hair again and again. And again. Like he was picking at a scab that he wouldn’t let heal.
It wasn’t the intimacy of their touch. God no – Ryan had been out for years. He’d seen all kinds of love. He didn’t judge. If they wanted to be affectionate, whatever. It bothered him that they wouldn’t just be honest about it, but that wasn’t what was making him feel so nauseous.
It was the ritual. The compulsion.
It was the echoes of Lily in Josh’s eyes. The flash of possession. The practiced way Josh’s fingers curled through his hair – mechanically, like flicking a lighter until the flame burned steady.
And Ethan’s face, God. He looked defeated and blank and limp, like he knew his place was there, kneeling! And not just for Lily, because she forced him to, for Josh. A peer! That made it even worse, somehow?
How could Josh not recognize the expression? Ryan had just seen it on his face, clutched in Lily’s careless fist, blood dripping from his nose. He’d seen it on Josh’s face as he thanked her for abusing him.
And now here was Josh, his supposed ally in this nightmare. The one who’d told him that Ethan wasn’t a toy. That if Ryan treated him like a pet they would have a problem.
This was what that moral high ground looked like?
Josh’s hand hadn’t let up in its relentless movement. His jaw was slack, his expression dazed, almost euphoric, like a man with his lips around a bottle of vodka.
Ryan knew that look. He’d seen it on the faces of the men he took in for possession. Josh was high.
Ryan clenched his fists. What the fuck was happening here?
He wanted to look away, but couldn’t. Something hot curled in the back of his throat. Disgust.
No – not disgust. Betrayal.
Josh had lied to him. But he hadn’t just lied to Ryan. He was lying to himself. He lied about his actions, even as he spat at Ryan just for looking wrong at the guy.
And Ethan—
God. He wanted to feel bad for him. The kid looked hollowed out. He was so far gone he didn’t even seem to know this was messed up.
But Ryan could see what Ethan couldn’t – the look on Josh’s face. Josh knew. On some level, he knew this was wrong. He knew he was taking advantage of the one person who trusted him.
And he still didn’t stop.
Didn’t pull Ethan off the floor. Didn’t talk to him, or even acknowledge him. He just kept treating him like some kind of comfort object. A heated blanket with a pulse.
He didn’t say anything. But his jaw tightened.
Josh looked up briefly. Their eyes met.
For the first time since he’d first found the two of them in the bottom of the toybox, Ryan didn’t look at Josh and see a protector.
He saw an addict.
And the man he turned into a drug.
The next morning began with Ethan’s retrieval. Ryan watched him go limp and empty before Lily had even wrapped her fingers around him.
The expression was too familiar.
Josh was sitting on the edge of their bed, using his pocketknife to scrape off the stubble on his face.
“Rough night?” Ryan said, stepping over. His posture was calm. In control. Josh looked up at him, rubbing his cheek.
“Uh, yeah, I guess. Little achy.”
“He always sleep like that after?” Ryan sharpened his tone, just slightly.
Bingo.
Josh stiffened, his face tightening, like he’d been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
“What are you talking about?”
Time to curve away. Soften the blow.
“You’re good with him. Calm him right down.” He said, keeping his tone light – almost casual. Josh relaxed his shoulders.
“Oh. I mean, yeah. He needs it sometimes. He gets overwhelmed a lot since… Since he came back.”
“Did he tell you that? Or do you just know?”
Josh flinched this time. He flicked his pocketknife closed and set it gently in his pocket. His fingers lingered just a moment.
“I… I mean he doesn’t have to tell me. You don’t know what we’ve been through. Together.” Josh said, his voice tight.
Ryan put his hands up.
“Okay, okay. You’re right. I don’t know what you’ve been through.” He paused. “But… it’s just interesting how you didn’t say anything to him.”
“What are you saying?” Josh said, his tone guarded. Ryan shrugged, hands in his pockets.
“I’m not saying anything. But, you know… neither is Ethan.” Josh stiffened, and Ryan pressed a little harder. “He just… does things for you. Right?”
That got a response. Josh clenched his fists, his face darkening.
“I’m helping him. He needs me.” Josh said, his voice strangled.
Ryan scoffed.
“Didn’t look like that to me. You’re really going to sit here and tell me that Ethan was the one getting anything out of that… ritual last night? He’s not your therapy dog.”
Josh glared at him.
“I told you – he’s not a pet. Don’t you dare talk about him like that.” His voice was angry. But Ryan wasn’t cowed this time.
“You told me Ethan wasn’t a pet, and I believed you. So you tell me – what do you call a man you keep on the floor, kneeling by your feet?”
Josh froze.
His face flushed immediately, his mouth opened – but nothing came out. He clenched his jaw, curling his fists into the blanket by his sides.
Ryan didn’t say anything. He let the silence work for him.
“It… it’s not like that.” Josh said, lamely.
“No?” Ryan tilted his head, raised an eyebrow. “Then what is it like? What am I missing?”
Josh’s face twisted.
“It’s… we’re just close. What, is that a problem for you?” He said. Ryan rolled his eyes and scoffed. He heard Josh’s implication loud a clear.
“I’m gay. It’s not a problem for me if you want to be close.” He ignored Josh’s startled look. “I care about whether Ethan feels like he can say no.”
“What – he can say no!” Josh said, his voice rising. Ryan felt a surge of satisfaction. Josh was getting rattled. “He- he came to me! He chose me.”
“Did he, really? Didn’t look like a choice when he went to you. It looked like he’d already decided he doesn’t get to choose anything.” Ryan sniffed. “And I didn’t hear you stop him when he put his head in your lap. You know… I don’t think I heard you say anything at all.”
Josh narrowed his eyes.
“I – I don’t need to. And neither does he.” He said, though his voice was beginning to lack conviction.
“That’s interesting.” Ryan said, folding his arms, stepping closer. “How you speak for him.”
“I… I didn’t ask him to get on his knees for me.”
“But you didn’t pull him up, did you? You didn’t ask him to move.” Ryan said, his voice piercing through the room. Josh dropped his eyes, his voice faltering.
“No. I didn’t. But… if he’d have asked me to stop, I would’ve. I swear.” Ryan’s face tightened.
“But you knew he wouldn’t, didn’t you?” Ryan said, the accusation sitting heavy between them. “You know he won’t stop you. And you take advantage of that.”
Josh acted like he’d been slapped. His face went red and his mouth fell open.
“That’s not fair.” He countered, but his voice cracked halfway through.
“You’re right.” Ryan said, keeping his voice steady. “It’s not fair. To Ethan.”
The tension went out of Josh’s shoulders. His gaze dropped. Ryan took a small step backwards. Time to ease up.
“You think you’re all that he has left. You’ve placed yourself in front of him as a protector. I get that. That’s not evil, Josh.” Ryan said, letting a little softness into his tone. “But is that what he needs?”
Another moment of silence passed between them. One more nudge.
“Does he need you? Or does he want you to need him?”
Josh closed his eyes and let his head drop. His fists clenched.
“He… I’ve always looked out for him, okay? Even before we were like this. Even before he was even smaller.”
“I believe that. I truly believe that Ethan trusts you.”
Ryan took a step forward again. Josh was off his guard now. It was time to move in.
“But that’s the problem. He trusted you then. And you used him.” He paused. “He trusts you now. And you’re still using him.”
“I’m not using him!” Josh said, his voice ragged. “I’m… I’m not.”
He wasn’t going to let that one slide.
“Don’t lie to me, Josh. Not right now.” He said, his voice soft, now. “I saw that expression on your face last night. I’ve seen it a million times. Even made it myself, when I tried to quit smoking.”
Josh squeezed his eyes closed and dug his palms into his eyes.
“You turned yourself into a cage. Maybe when he was smaller it made sense. I wasn’t there. But you’re still keeping him in it, Josh. One he doesn’t know he can leave.”
“I’m… just trying to help him.” Josh said brokenly. “I’m trying to keep him safe.”
“Are you trying to keep him safe?” Ryan said. “Or are you just trying to keep him?”
Josh broke down. Tears began to leak from behind his hands as he took in shuddering breaths.
There it was.
“Okay.” Ryan murmured. “That’s the first honest thing you’ve done for him yet.”
He didn’t say anything else.
He didn’t need to.