Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“So, you like animals more than people?” 

The plush chair Loki was sitting on was uncomfortably reminding him that he was still in the same room he always found himself in every other Thursday. Therapy wasn't even his idea. Apparently his recent friend group finally got fed up with Loki's ‘antics’ and decided to abandon him. Like a pet thrown out of a family home when it acts out too much. Everyone left, except one person - a woman that was almost as cynical and sarcastic as Loki, Hela. She was definitely the most annoying person in the group, Loki thought. She dressed in all dark colors, stayed quiet most of the time and laughed when children tripped in public spaces. Loki did too, but he was more discreet. He was sure if Hela was at a funeral she would be capable of looking at all the misery with a smile on her face. Loki didn't know if she was really insensitive or just very oblivious. 

 Well, she was the only one who reached out to Loki after their friend group threw Loki out like trash. In their defense, he knew they would do that sooner or later. It's not like he was a good friend to begin with. He lied a lot and one of those lies led to him being called out as a pathological liar and generally a bad person. Out of everyone Hela was standing passively in the backline, not helping him but also not accusing him or calling him a dick. One day later, completely surprised by a knock on his door, Loki was standing face to face with Hela. She didn't even ask if she could come in when she took her place on the couch with an unreadable expression. Loki was still standing by an open door when she declared her purpose for coming. 

“I got you a therapist.” She then helped herself to a beer Loki had been drinking when she came and gave him a small business card. "Recommended by a friend.” 

Loki laughed in her face. “I don't need a therapist. I just enjoy being a dick, as you all called me.” He tried to take back the beer but Hela pulled it closer to her chest and chugged the rest of it in one swing. “You need therapy more than me.” 

The insult flew right past Hela's head. “You got more of this stuff?” There were cookies on the table too, and Hela, of course, took one of them without even asking. “This is good. You baked this yourself? I didn't know you stress baked.” 

“Yes, yes and no I don't.” He yielded and brought two more bottles. He flopped next to Hela on the couch who was looking at him expectedly. “What? You are weirdly talkactive today, my dear Hela.” 

“You are a dick but it doesn't mean you have to be.” She took a sip. “And something tells me it's not the first time you've lost friends in that way. I know your type. Mysterious and cold. Like villains in comics, except without plans to take over the world. Inside you all are rather pathetic.” 

“How do you know I don't have plans to take over the world? I'm sure I could make myself look less pathetic this way.” He snorted and rolled his eyes. God, Hela was as annoying as always, except today she used more words to insult him. “If I'm such a bad person, why are you even here? Trying to what, help? ‘Help’ and ‘Hela’ in the same sentence doesn't make any sense.” 

Hela narrowed her eyes and put back her beer on the table. “You may be a bad person, but you are a bad person I care about. People like villains in comics because they are interesting. Every villain becomes even more interesting after a redemption arc.” 

“So you want me to get my ‘redemption arc’ by sending me to a therapist? Because you want my story to be more interesting to you? So selfless.” Loki's voice couldn't get more doubting if he tried. “I may be a comic artist but I don't want to share those characters’ fate.” 

Hela shifted, looking almost uncomfortable. Another red flag, Hela is never uncomfortable. “As I said I know your types. It works, try it.”  

It started looking like Hela was scheming something and Loki was not in the mood for talking about his mental state. “Fine, I'll check it out and have my ‘redemption’. Now leave.” He really just wanted her to leave him alone. 

Unsurprisingly, the woman didn't need more encouragement. She probably didn't want to be there as much as Loki didn't want her to be there. She left, and took the unfinished beer and a couple of cookies with her. 

This confrontation with his now probably ex-friend led to the current situation that had been going on for some time now. Maybe there was some foolish hope in Loki that it could be fixed, that he could be fixed. Maybe one day everything just got too much and he didn't have anywhere else to go. It didn't matter now. He was there, in the room with Mrs. Greenwood, sitting on an uncomfortable chair. 

“If I have to choose between either of them, then yes.” Loki wasn't too talkactive during their sessions and it looked like his albeit patient therapist finally gave up on trying to get him to open up for that day. 

“I also noted that you like drawing, correct?” She looked at him from under her glasses. “Maybe when you don't feel well you could go to a zoo or an animal shelter and relax?”

Loki scoffed. What was he, a toddler going to the zoo with his parents? There was nobody to buy him chocolate ice cream at the end of the day. Although, the thought of being around animals was a better alternative than sitting around people. And connecting it to the only thing that brought joy in his life might not be that bad of an idea. Loki's face still looked disinterested. 

“You don't have to do it, but can you promise you’ll try?” She regarded Loki with the same calm stare she always wore. Sometimes Loki wondered if she even had emotions. 

“Fine. Can I go?” He asked with a note of sarcasm, the same way he did whenever he got sent to the principal at school for misbehaving. His therapist sighed and watched him leave. 

—

The Marvel Zoo was not too big. It housed a lot of different species but it wasn't as popular as other zoos in the country. The flow of people there was steady but small and there were parts of the day when it was practically empty. That was mostly around noon on working days, because most people were still at work this time of the day, and children were at school. Other times included very early morning, basically the first hour or two since opening, and the other was just before closing, when all families already went home. There were also days when, no matter the time, there were no visitors. Those were cold, rainy days when nobody wanted to be out of the comfort of their homes. 

Loki worked from home. He got tasks to complete, comics pages to ink, with a deadline so as long as he finished it in time, he could work any time of the day or night. He loved his job, even if the pay wasn't all that high. He also didn't mind cold weather. He liked rain, but like most people, he liked it in the ‘sit under a blanket with a tea and a book’ type of way. But unlike most people, he could get comfortable almost everywhere, so as long as it wasn't too cold or too rainy Loki was willing to sacrifice the warmth of his apartment for some time without people around. 

 Rain was gently falling through the sky, an umbrella wasn't necessary. Loki was only dressed in a black coat with his hood pulled up, looking matching to the weather - miserable. The rain would stop every now and then, and then resume after a few minutes as if uncertain if it should rain. Uncertain just like Loki who was going towards a big gate with a big sign on it reading “Marvel Zoo”. Loki knew it also has some spots near the enclosures with canopy over the benches to hide from rain.

The cashier looked at him weirdly, probably not expecting anyone to visit in such weather. Loki exchanged money for his ticket and entered the zoo as quickly as possible. It was empty, not a soul. Well, there were souls if Loki believed animals had them. 

He ventured deeper, sweeping through the paths like a ghost. Some animals even looked at him in what could be described as wonder, not used to seeing anyone during rain. They lost interest after one glance, visibly enjoying the lack of people staring at them most of the time of the day. He passed giraffes, zebras and water buffalos until he found what he had been looking for.  

Before him stretched out a big enclosure with tall grass and low trees. And amidst those grasses, beneath one of the trees laid a magnificent, golden figure. Its mane was a bit sagged with rain but it looked relaxed. And it looked straight at Loki, who was now sitting in a small caricature of a safari car that poked into the enclosure. It was some sort of tourist attraction, to be able to see the lions better and for kids to play pretend. It had plastic windows and a safety grid on the lions’ side. 

Despite being in the zoo a few times already when he was a kid, he got to sit in the car only once. It was always crowded, but his outgoing brother Thor decided it was their turn to play and scared other kids sitting inside into leaving. Sure, he got a timeout later that day, because the other children obviously told on him to their parents and the parents told Thor's father. At home Thor told him it was still worth it because Loki wouldn't want to go inside with so many other people around. He was seven. It had been almost seventeen years. It was so much nicer without other people around, only accompanied by the gently drumming of the rain drops. Only there was a person missing. 

Loki took out his sketchbook and favourite pencil from the bag and started sketching. The big male was not the only animal, there were also a few lionesses scattered around under other trees and some even walking in the rain, stretching their muscles. Loki once read that animals become more active in zoos during bad weather, because there's no people to bother them. He would also hide if he were an animal watched by hundreds of people every week. 

This Lion however looked like he took pride in Loki drawing him. It was almost as if he posed, looking straight into his direction but not really at him. He laid in the same exact pose most people imagine lions in. His giant paws directly in front of him pressing on the soft grass, head turned to the side to face Loki, chin slightly down. Massive shoulders transformed into the hind legs with an elegant curve of his sloped back. Flicking tail laying loosely on the ground. It didn't even move its head once, as if it knew it made Loki drawing him easier. The more still the reference, the more detailed the sketch he could make. 

“Tony's such an attention seeker, isn't he?” Loki startled, scratching the pencil on the paper too far while sketching the mane. He cursed softly and looked up to see a man dressed in casual clothes and a jacket with the zoo logo. “Sorry. Not many people visit in this weather.” He hummed thoughtfully. 

The man had long-ish golden hair and honey tanned skin. He looked a bit like a lion Loki was drawing. His demeanor was calm and he looked at Loki with calculating, blue eyes. There was a welcoming smile on his lips, though. He was… easy on the eyes, to say at least. 

“You're a zookeeper.” It was more of a statement than a question, but the man nodded nonetheless. His hair was also a bit wet, even though he stood under a colorful umbrella. He then closed it and sat down in the car next to him, but not too close. Loki respected that. 

“And you're an artist.” That was a pretty obvious statement about Loki, but nobody ever called him that. Not many people knew about Loki's hobby, but those who did, never phrased it like that. He was just a person whose work was to draw. Not a person who liked to create, bring things to life on his own canvas, as if using magic. There was a warmth in Loki's chest, even at something so seemingly insignificant. It made Loki confused. “Tony is a particular one. He likes posing for photos people make, he liked the attention. Sometimes I feel like he is aware that we humans see him as a magnificent beast. He embraces that role.” 

“You think animals can understand such complicated concepts as that? Understand that they are perceived by other life forms differently? Even some humans can't do that.” Loki scoffed. There were so many egoistical people who couldn't grasp the concept of others not thinking the same as them. 

“I think animals understand more than we think they do. Tell me, then, why else is Tony so keen on having a camera pointed at him almost all of the day? There's no natural instinct nor natural law that can describe that behavior.” The zookeeper suggested and Loki had to hum in agreement. It was a valid point. 

“Maybe he associates people with food? I'm not an expert in animal psychology.” He answered and looked back into the cage where Tony the lion was still posing. The man was looking at him intensively and it was difficult not to get lost in his nice eyes. 

“We don't feed him when there are a lot of people around, and definitely not with a camera in hand so no. But good guess.” A pause. “Can I see?” 

“What?” He startled, turning his face to the zookeeper again.

“The drawing. Of course, I understand if not.” The man had something in his gaze that made Loki feel like he was incapable of having bad intentions. It was such a relaxed, open expression, that Loki handed him his sketchbook without a second thought. 

“I'm Adam, by the way. Sorry, I should have introduced myself sooner.” He looked so apologetic Loki might have forgiven him if he murdered someone. “Oh…” 

Adam's eyebrows were drawn together now and Loki looked at what the man was looking at. The stark line of dark gray cut through carefully sketched mane, a result of Adam's surprising arrival. Before the man could look even more guilty, Loki, for some godforsaken reason, started talking. “It's nothing really, I have an eraser.” 

It sounded weak and uncertain even in Loki's ears, devoid of usual snark and unpleasantness. Adam sighed. 

“Still I should have been more careful.” He gave Loki a soft smile. “You have talent though. Are you an art student?” 

“I work as a comic artist.” He was planning to only give a vague answer but Adam looked interested in what Loki had to say so he relented and continued. “I do ink work. I work from home, if you are wondering why I'm here in the middle of a work day.” 

Loki doesn't know what makes him so… open... when talking to Adam. He had only known him for, what, a few minutes? Adam's openness was contagious, Loki assumed. When can he not elaborate when the zookeeper is looking at him with those pretty, curious eyes? 

Loki really should stop thinking about him this way. It's not that he liked liked the man, it's just that he was exactly Loki's type by looks. 

“Ah, that explains everything. I don't think I have seen any visitor other than you today. Only the workers are here. Besides the animals of course. You're an unusual sight, but not an unwelcome one.” Adam smiled warmly and gave him back the sketchbook. “Still, why would you choose this weather, when it's raining? You could have come in the afternoon, it shouldn't have been raining then.” 

“I heard animals are more active when not a lot of people are around.” ‘ And I don't like to be around people either’ was left unsaid, but Adam didn't pry. He just cocked his head to the side, intrigued. 

“I see, can't draw an animal if it hides, no? You’re right, by the way. They are more active on rainy days.” Adam stood up but Loki could still feel the warmth he left behind. “I must go, but I hope we meet again, my friend.” 

Loki didn't say anything, but he stared after the man until he disappeared around another enclosure. By the time Loki left the zoo there were two additional drawings in his sketchbook, one of which wasn't of a lion.

—

That night, he dreamt of a gorgeous golden lion he and Thor saw the first time they visited the zoo. Loki found his seven year old self following his older brother who dragged him by their linked hands around the place. They hurried past weird looking squirrels with wings, and Loki was certain it was the same image he had in mind when he first heard about flying squirrels. Now they just look ridiculous. 

They ran into the building. Thor giggled  innocently as he nagged him on, ignoring their parents’ shout to slow down. Heavy oak doors opened with a squeak and a new, colorful world greeted Loki's eyes. It was full of fantastical, tropical plants closed off in glass containers of various sizes. Then, when Loki was trying to remember which part of the zoo it was, or if it was even real, he heard Thor's shout. 

“Look! Those are even cooler than lions!” His brother said excitedly, laying both of his then small hands on the glass.

Loki stepped closer and saw a small but long reptile. It was definitely a snake, although what kind, Loki was unsure. The sign that usually tells the names of and information about animals in the zoo was blurred, as Loki's memory was foggy. 

“I wanna have one.” Loki was startled by Thor suddenly jumping away from the glass. “Mom! Dad! Can you buy me one? Pleaseee!!” 

Loki scrunched his face at the volume of his voice. Thor’s voice was never quiet. The snake was looking at him almost as if waiting for something, and flicked its forked tongue. When Loki moved to place his hand on the glass, suddenly there was nothing but air in the way. With a gasp he fell into now open container and his hand fell directly at something scaly that hissed. Before Loki could react, the snake bit down and- 

“Loki?” 

He woke up, shooting upwards with wide eyes. It was… not a nightmare, exactly. It was just surprising. The morning was slow, going exactly like every other morning of Loki's for the past few years. Coffee, breakfast, watching some boring TV show in the meantime, and then work. 

He checked the mail, got all the pages he had to ink from the penciller, and immediately got to work. Loki preferred to start early, because that's when he was the most productive. He didn't like working at noon. Having the ability to choose his own hours of work was quite a privilege and Loki used it to its limits. 

He had been working for quite some time before he was interrupted. His phone, which was playing his spotify playlist, buzzed with a notification. It was nothing unusual, maybe his higher up changed his deadlines again. Instead, he saw a text notification. From an unknown number. He froze as he read its content. 

‘Loki, I know you don't want to see me, but please, we have to talk. I won't stop trying until we meet again. Please.’ 

The air around him became rigid and he placed the phone back on the table, screen-side down. With stiff movements Loki stood up from his workplace and, grabbing his back from yesterday where his sketchbook still remained, he left his apartment. 

—

It was almost 11 am, which was perfect. The weather was quite good, the sun was shining high, so when Loki entered the zoo he wasn't surprised to see a few visitors scattered throughout the zoo. Still, Loki met nobody on his path to the terrarium. It was full of amphibians and reptiles, some of which Loki recognized thanks to his obsession with snakes during elementary school. 

Old wooden doors opened easily when he pushed them, a hall full of glass containers greeted him. Loki wandered deeper, seeking a place to sit. He passed enclosures of a few turtles and tortoises, frogs and lizards, before he finally found a narrow, cushioned bench and opposite of that, a snake coiled tightly around half-decayed tree branches. It had beautiful, glittering black scales with some red tones right on the lower side of its head. It was a magnificent, long reptile, that was not similar to a snake Loki had met when he was younger, and in his dreams at all.

When he reached into his bag to take out his sketchbook, Loki realised he had left his phone and nearly everything else at home. Only his sketchbook, a pencil and a handful of money he had used to enter the zoo. Brushing off the problem for now, he took out the necessary tools and started creating. He had barely made a few strokes before a familiar voice  reached his ears, breaching the calming silence.

“I didn't anticipate seeing you here so soon.” Loki turned around, a little bit startled, but he wouldn't let it show. He was met with blue eyes swimming with interest and curiosity. Adam's face was so open and warm, like he was seeing someone he loved. And, oh boy, it worked on Loki like a charm. He could have melted right here and there, despite the whole building having pleasant air-conditioning that kept a steady cool in the room.

The man was dressed in a similar uniform as the day before. He was leaning a bit too, presumably trying to take a look at what Loki was drawing. Realizing he was staring, Loki finally answered. “How could I not return today when there are such beautiful specimens here?” 

If Loki wasn't talking necessarily about animals, nobody had to know. Adam just cocked his head and hummed.“Well, then I suppose you would love to see Natasha up close, hmm?” 

Before Loki could even answer, Adam straightened up and reached for some keys that were dangling from his belt. He fumbled with them for a moment, mumbling something under his breath, before finally finding a small, red key. Without a word, he pushed the key into the keyhole and opened the enclosure. 

“What are you-" Loki’s eyes were widened. What kind of zookeeper takes out, from the look of it, more than a two meter snake without even gloves? When Adam saw his shocked expression, he laughed and reached into the glass box. 

“This is Nat. She is a female black indigo snake. Don't worry, she is not venomous and she isn't dangerous at all. I've been handling her for years now and she never attacked me, or anyone who was with me.” He took out the snake out of its enclosure, the giant reptile wrapped around his shoulders without protest like a scarf. Loki was sure this guy had to be some sort of snake whisperer, because he had never seen a snake be so docile and genuinely looking like it was enjoying itself while interacting with a human. Maybe Adam was simply impossible to not like. “I actually came in here for a routine health check, so I'd take her out even if you weren't there. How about you use that coincidence to get a better reference for your drawing?” 

Natasha flicked her forked tongue in Loki’s direction and he couldn't help but still feel dumbfounded. Adam was unlike anyone Loki had ever met. He was so nice to him, it actually made Loki feel like he was going to throw up from all that sweetness he could almost physically taste emanating from Adam. And well… the man was gorgeous, and honestly I'd be a crime to not include him in a sketch he was making. So, Loki agreed and erased his previous pencil strokes, in favour of replacing it with a human silhouette.  

He watched in silence as Adam checked over the snake, handling her gently and guiding her sleek body around his arm to look over all the scales in search of any possible discoloration or swelling. He worked slowly and patiently, his hands moving precisely and carefully. Loki could see the care Adam put into handling animals and found himself questioning if he isn't falling for the same tactics the man uses with animals. Talking to them softly, with a smile and warmth usually only reserved for the closest family. Looking at them as if they were all as aware as Adam was, treating them like humans. Understanding their wild nature, but instead of trying to contain it, he simply welcomed it with open arms and praise. 

There was something in that moment that made Loki put down the pencil and just look. Look at Adam's focused expression, a barely noticeable uplift of his lips as Natasha climbed on his head. It was, unlike any other moment in Loki's life, peaceful. And there, somewhere inside him, was a burning jealousy and self-loathing eating him alive, coiling around him like a snake hunting its dinner. Why wasn't he like this? Why wasn't there a person in his life that loved Loki the same way Adam loved those animals? Because Loki fucked up his whole life, and he didn't deserve to have someone like Adam love him. Because Odin had fucked Loki up beyond saving and all that was left was a shell of old verion of Loki that used to be lovable. 

The new, current version of Loki was full of pent up resentment and coolness that made him freeze from the inside out, infecting everyone he touched. Now, he felt like he was intruding on Adam's peace, the scared animal inside him just waiting for a right moment to bite . Loki was sure that no matter how good Adam was with animals, he wouldn't be able to stop the wild, bitter beast inside Loki from sinking its bloody teeth into the man's flesh. Hell, even Loki wouldn't be able to stop it. Himself . 

Suddenly Loki was feeling like he was in a cage, with a vision of better life mockingly placed in front of him, but he was too cowardly to reach for it, too scared of destroying this small piece of this fucked up world that maybe wasn't corrupted with human greed and animosity.

“You never told me your name, by the way.” Loki snapped out of his miserable mind and looked at the man with piercing eyes. He had ended the check up and was not just holding Natasha in his arms, probably ready to put her down. “And yet you know not only my name, but the names of my animals.” 

Introducing himself was such a simple thing and Loki failed even in that . He sighed internally. Just great. “I'm Loki.” 

“Nice to meet you then, Loki. Have you finished your drawing? I should put her down soon.” Loki glanced at the sketch and nodded. It wasn't his best work, but it'd do. He couldn't help but notice how he put more effort into drawing Adam than Natasha. 

As Adam put Natasha back into her enclosure, Loki closed his sketchbook and hurriedly put it back in his bag. He wanted to run, he shouldn't have come. The zookeeper noticed Loki's intent as he was closing the glass doors and stopped what he was doing to scan Loki with his eyes. The expression on his face was unreadable. “You plan on coming again soon?” 

The question stopped Loki's poor attempt at looking like he was completely fine and simply had other matters to attend to. “Why do you ask?” 

Loki internally smacked himself at how harsh the question sounded. He could have said ‘Mind your own business’ with that kind of tone instead, and it'd carry the same message. Adam either didn't notice or decided to ignore it, and answered with honesty. 

“I simply enjoy your company.” Loki knew it was a lie. He was barely any company, considering he didn't talk much and the emotions he displayed on his face usually ranged from disinterest to annoyance. 

Loki narrowed his eyes and stole a glance at Adam's face. Did he have ulterior motives in befriending him? He knew people didn't often deem him likable enough to go beyond the point of being acquaintances. Seeing Loki’s disbelieving gaze, Adam deflated a little but the soft smile never left his lips. Loki wanted to disappear. 

“It's true. There's something calming about your presence, and I don't like being alone. Having company when usually I wouldn't is much welcome.” Loki looked at him with interest. He knew what the man was implying. Or at least he understood it that way. Adam liked having people around, even if it was simply the fact of them being there, sitting together in silence. “Sometimes, after having so many extroverted people around, I just want to be around someone. I feel like you understand that.” 

That man was reading him better than his therapist did. It both terrified Loki, because one day he might see something Loki didn't want him to see, but simultaneously it lit a bit of hope in Loki's chest. Hope of being understood. His train of thoughts was interrupted as Adam continued. 

“That's why I like being around those animals.” He looked fondly at Natasha, who seemed to be looking right back at him, with the same fondness. That's when Loki realized he should probably answer the question, if he wanted to keep this little beacon of hope in his life. He sighed and surrendered to the part of him that wasn't a scared, cornered animal. 

“Yes, I do understand that. And I'll be coming here. I- There's no people here when I come so it's a good place for practicing.” Loki didn't know why exactly he felt the need to explain himself to Adam, but he hummed with understanding. 

“Are you having some project that makes you practice drawing animals in particular?” 

“Yes.” Loki lied, as he stood up looking at the exit. “I should go.” 

“I'll see you soon then. Take care, Loki.” With that, Loki left the golden-haired man alone. 

Chapter Text

 Loki was looking blankly at a wall in his apartment. He was still sitting in his wet, black coat after a walk in the rain back from his therapist's office. Thunder was beginning to rumble softly outside, seemingly far away, but coming closer and closer with every breath Loki took. The dark green couch beneath him was starting to soak the water dripping from his hair and clothes. If someone walked in on him, they'd think Loki was crazy. Or that he was not fine at all. The air around him was sizzling with anxiety, but his eyes were blank like the creamy colored wall he was looking at. 

 Just about an hour ago, Loki was alright, sitting bored in the plush chair in Mrs. Greenwood’s office. She was trying to talk to him, but frankly, Loki wasn't in the mood to talk. He offhandly mentioned his insignificant trips to the zoo when she asked him if he had tried the method they had talked about. Loki slipped and mentioned Adam. And then the pressure started. The therapist nudged him to tell all about Adam and she wouldn't let go. Loki didn't know if she had somehow figured out Adam wasn't just a normal person he met by coincidence, rather someone unusually interesting to Loki or if Mrs. Greenwood thought she could pressure him into talking more to people. With every question he became more and more uncomfortable, but he wouldn't let it show on his face. And that was probably a mistake.

Then she entered a very dangerous territory. She asked if Loki liked Adam and thought there could be something more out of it. Loki snapped at her, which wasn't something he should have done, even Loki knew it wasn't appropriate. But the questions opened Pandora's vault that was Loki's attachment issues and unwillingness to even try to get better. Loki wasn't stupid, he knew how he thought or felt was probably illogical and unjustified, but he couldn't help but feel fear. Her suggestion made Loki bolt and he didn't even take his umbrella. He just ran. 

His own mind closed him inside a cage with thoughts he couldn't escape. The voices that reminded him of his past experiences were getting louder and made logical part of Loki cower in fear, letting the scared, lashing out animal inside take control. Everyone left him, and as much as Loki didn't want to admit it, it hurt. And he didn't want to get hurt again, so what's the point of trying? He ran through the streets, rain falling down his face and making him feel even colder than he already did. There was Thor's voice in his mind telling him things he didn't want to hear, but things he did say to Loki's face just a few years ago. There was his mother's voice begging him not to go, and Loki hated himself for being the one who left, instead of being the one left behind. 

When he reached his apartment, it was like all that adrenaline and energy left him at once, as he collapsed on his sofa. And now, he was sitting in the same position as when he arrived, looking at the wall, but not quite there. He didn't want to think, it hurt too much. And he didn't want any more pain. 

There was a knock on his doors, maybe the knock repeated twice or thrice already and Loki didn't notice. Someone called his name, in feminine voice, and somehow Loki heard his mother yelling after him. He flinched hard, coming back to reality and he noticed he was shaking all over and he was so cold. He was soaking wet, he looked like a mess. The voice was now louder and clearer. 

“Loki! I know you're here, open the goddamn door.” What was Hela doing here? Loki hurriedly shrugged off his coat and ran to the bathroom for a towel, which he then threw around his shoulders to look remotely like he was able to take care of himself and not look like an idiot.

Before opening the door, he took a deep breath and steeled his expression into the most annoyed expression he could muster at the moment. “What do you want?” 

Hela narrowed her eyes at Loki's disheveled look and pushed him in so she could get inside too. “You have beer? There's something I have to tell you.” 

“Great. That sounds fantastic . What good news could you possibly be bringing?” He rolled his eyes but allowed Hela to go past him and deeper into the apartment. She sat  down on the couch and looked at him critically. “I forgot an umbrella.” 

“The wet cat look suits you.” She gave him a mocking smirk. “Sit.” 

“This is my house, stop acting as if you own it.” He answered with a smile, but it didn't reach his eyes. The look he was giving her was more of a ‘get out’ look, than a welcoming or fond one. He sat next to her nevertheless and waited for whatever Hela wanted to tell him. He was curious why she was here, but at the same time anxiously awaited whichever bad news she was bringing. 

“You remember Betsy?” 

Loki snorted. “How could I not? I could never forget that time she thought Kosmo was, and I quote, a ‘yokai’. Really, who would believe her the dog talked? ” 

“Well, it looks like Betsy and you have a mutual friend.” It looks like Loki's attempt to change the subject failed. “And he would like to meet up, but for some reason he couldn't contact nor find you.”

Loki stiffened. He knew what was coming but at the same time he prayed that Hela wouldn't say his name. He already felt his impending doom. “What?” 

“His name is… Thor. Never knew you had a brother, Loki. And a rocky relationship with him it seems.” Well, gods definitely didn't exist. At least not the ones Loki prayed to.

Loki sucked in air harshly and stood up. He could feel panic rising in his chest and it was becoming bigger and bigger by second, clouding Loki's vision and ability to think. He thought he would be safe in his home. Why did Hela bring chaos to his place of peace? No, he wasn't having a conversation about this. He ran. 

He could hear Hela calling after him angrily but he didn't care, he wouldn't, couldn't   stop. Then thunder rumbled and a lighting cut through the sky, almost making Loki jump with the sudden closing in of the storm. The lights shut down when Loki was just by the door. Something crashed right behind him and he could hear Hela curse, she was closer than he anticipated. Did she run after him? 

He opened the doors and bolted down the stairs, almost falling in the process. He felt like a prey animal chased by a predator and adrenaline made it hard to feel tired or cold as he ran through the streets. His heart was beating so fast and he didn't even know if it was because he was running, or because he was choking with panic. ‘ Not again, god, not this again. ’ He thought. It was a fleeing thought getting lost in a web of Loki's anxiety. He couldn't think straight, he didn't even get his coat when escaping Hela and the towel fell somewhere half way though his apartment. His breaths were laboured and he didn't even realise where he was running before he arrived at the gates.

There wasn't anyone in the register, so he jumped over the entry gates blindly running by several enclosures, with thunder accompanying him. His vision swam and lungs burned. He couldn't breathe. Loki fell to his knees, momentum tearing the skin of his palms, but he didn't even feel the pain, not when there was Thor's voice in his head telling him how he would never have anyone love him, if he stayed the same. Did his brother really say that or was that Loki's mind's cruel games? He hoped it's the latter. 

With humongous effort he lifted himself up just enough to stand and slowly walk towards the nearest bench that didn't have any cover from the rain. He tried to control his fast breathing, counting in his head, naming things he could see, hear, feel, anything to make it stop. Lightning struck the lightning rod on one of the skyscraper’s roof, sending sparks flying. A fierce wind blew rain straight into Loki's eyes and even he wasn't sure if his face was just wet from rain or tears. 

Painfully slowly, Loki started to realise where he was and what he had done. He just broke into a zoo. He didn't think police would take ‘panic attack’ as a valid excuse. He was alone, as always, soaked with rainwater and cold, and he felt like was about to break apart right there and there if his mind decided to recall yet another uncomfortable memory. What was wrong with him? 

“Loki?” Loki's head snapped up only to be met with worried blue eyes. Adam's hands were half risen as if he didn't know what to do, but when he saw what state Loki was in, he gasped and hurried to his side. 

He almost flinched at the sound of his name. Way too many people said his name today, and it always ended badly. He looked like a mess, and if Loki was in Adam's place he would have kicked himself out of the zoo immediately. But Adam had once again proved to be a better person than Loki ever could be. He took off the jacket he was wearing to shield himself from rain and wrapped it around Loki, pulled up the hood with utmost care. Loki sat stiffly, his eyes open wide in shock and confusion. 

“Come on, let's get out of this rain.” He hoisted Loki up, who went willingly and only now realised how much he was shaking. God, he must have looked pathetic, he had no idea why Adam was helping him. The golden haired man wrapped an arm around Loki's shoulders and led him towards a small building. All while thunder rumbled and Adam's clothes and face were getting soaked with rain. Adam's jacket is now soaked from the inside too, due to Loki's clothes literally dripping with water. 

As Loki was guided inside the building he noticed the sign on the wall read ‘staff room’. Inside there was an old, worn out couch, a counter with a coffee machine and a few shelves, probably storing food and personal items of people working here. Adam wordlessly pushed him gently onto the couch and leaned somewhere over the piece of furniture. He was holding a blanket, which he spread over Loki's lap without a second thought. Noticing his scraped palms, Adam brought over a disinfectant and wet wipes. Loki let Adam gently clean his wounds, even if they didn't even hurt him. They weren't even bleeding anymore. 

“Why…” He was cut off by a coughing fit and he realised his throat was starting to hurt. ‘ Great,’ he thought , ‘all I need right now is to be sick. ’ 

Adam looked at him with those worried, soft eyes and hummed in question, but Loki couldn't find a way to inquire for answers without sounding pathetic, so he didn't say anything at all. Adam must have interpreted the silence as a result of his throat hurting, and he pulled the blanket tighter around Loki before going off to the ‘kitchen’ section of the staff room. 

The silence that stretched made Loki think. He shouldn't be getting attached. He should put the blanket back in the box behind the couch, thank his benefactor and then leave and never return again. Now Adam knows what a mess Loki is and for some reason Loki couldn't understand why Adam took care of him, instead of leaving him to mope. One part of him wanted to give in and let himself be taken care of, while the other burned with embarrassment and discomfort of being vulnerable. 

When he looked at Adam, he realised the man was making tea. Something inside him melted away and his eyes suddenly started burning with tears. He didn't remember when was the last time someone looked at him like Adam did. With worry, warmth and… something more that Loki didn't want to think about. A few moments ago, he just wanted a place to hide from the world, and it seemed he had found it by Adam's side. The zookeeper didn't know about Thor, he couldn't have. He could breathe again. 

“Here. You need to get warm.” Adam handed him one of the cups and sat next to him. They stayed in silence for a moment as Loki sipped on his tea and Adam looked straight at him as if he was trying to read his expression like a book. His expression softened even more, if it was even possible. “Are you alright?” 

Of course he wasn't. 

“I'm fine.” He didn't want to lie to Adam. But was there anything else he could do? “Thanks.”

“There's no need to thank me, everyone would have done the same.” Adam looked so earnest Loki didn't want to tell him that no, not everyone, in fact, not most of the people Loki knew. “The zoo is closed today due to weather conditions. How… why are you here?” 

Loki cringed. Of course it was closed, nobody was there when he got in, rather illegally. He was making an idiot out of himself in front of one person he was starting to like. “Sorry. I had to get out somewhere after… a rather unpleasant talk with a friend.” 

Adam's gaze was full of sympathy. “Don't worry about it. I don't mind your company, I'm the only one here now anyways.” 

“Hm. I guess someone has to feed the animals, even if visitors aren't there?” He tried to change the subject and Adam apparently understood, because he nodded and continued the subject. 

“Yes, Mantis was there before too, but she had an early shift so she already went home. Now it's only me here.” Adam's gaze was at him still, as if looking for any clues if he had read the situation right. Loki would have smiled at Adam's effort if he wasn't as good at keeping a straight face as he was.

Lighting struck outside and a rumble followed. “All the animals hid, though. Some of them like rain but none like storms. Expect Jeff.” 

Loki looked at him with a furrowed brow, but a ghost of a smile danced on his lips. “Jeff?” 

“I see you haven't been to the aquarium section of our zoo yet?” The other man smiled at him and put down his tea. “He is a lemon shark. He is very friendly and loves playing with divers, we occasionally make a show out of feeding him and playing with him. Anyways, I don't know why, but he really likes storms. He becomes more active during them, and it's not due to stress. Personally, I think he likes the lighting. He comes closer to the surface every time it strikes.” 

“Huh. I'll have to go and see him, then.” Loki wasn't shaking or cold anymore. The blanket was so warm and comfortable, he could sit there for a whole day if he was allowed to.

“You should. He really likes people. Jeff's definitely going to like you.” Adam's smile faltered, and hesitatedly put his hand on Loki's, whose eyes snapped up to the zookeeper's face in surprise. “If.. if anything bad happens I'm here for you. You can come here anytime you want, even if the zoo is closed. I know how it's like to need a safe place.” 

Loki was speechless. He looked at Adam’s hand and back on his face where a peaceful and comforting expression sat. Maybe just this once, he can let someone care. Maybe Adam is better than all of the other people he had met. “Okay.” 

Adam squeezed Loki's hand and smiled at him, and then took his hand away. Loki immediately missed the warmth. 

Adam then talked about all the animals in the zoo he had fed today and kept Loki's mind from wandering into dark places until the storm had passed. They exchange their phone numbers and Adam didn't let Loki give him back his jacket, stubbornly arguing that he didn't want Loki to get sick. The amount of worry Adam had towards Loki melted his frozen heart just a little every time. 

Adam walked him back to the gates and Loki went back home. Hela had texted him, but he didn't want to read whatever she wrote when  he was still with Adam. He opened the message during the ride home, as this time he was calm enough to take a bus instead of running in the rain.

‘I left the keys behind the flower pot. We are talking about it later.’ 

He sighed and bumped his forehead against the cold glass window. He should have never given Hela his phone number or address. But, at the same time, if Hela hadn't nudged him to go for therapy, he would never have met the only person in his life he can tolerate right now. He supposed he could let Hela's antics slide for now. Just for however long this newfound hope has a place in his life.

—

When Loki came back home, he couldn't sleep at night. There was still uneasiness in his mind that started bothering him anew as his head hit the fluffy pillow. Something bothered him and he couldn't quite understand the source. Adam had been too nice. They were practically strangers. And Loki wasn't another caged animal for Adam to take care of. 

He turned around, almost kicking off the blanket and curling in on himself, like the wounded animal he didn't want to admit he was. He didn't want to be a caged animal Adam is forced to care for out of pity. The thought sickened him, to be seen merely as something worth pitying. Loki didn't want anybody's pity, not Hela's nor Adam's. 

There was a part of him though, that had to admit it was nice. Being taken care of, especially by someone like Adam, someone who at least made an impression of genuine worry. Loki hadn't had anyone look like that at him since Thor. 

He was so tired of thinking. Why couldn't his mind just give up and shut up for once? He just wanted peace, even if it meant being alone all the time. But he felt peace when he was with Adam. He didn't have to be alone. 

He didn't have to be alone.

The thought stopped his mind from wandering further. Maybe he could escape the cycle? The cycle of meeting people and pushing them away? Their overbearing personalities and care they started to develop the longer Loki stuck around made him restless, made him show his true nature, and when he did, they decided he wasn't worth their compassion anymore. Or Loki decided they would be better off without him. 

But Adam didn't make Loki snap, he didn't bring out what's the worst in him somehow. Maybe he could have one constant person in his life? Maybe. 

That something about Adam that made his presence calming was perhaps not even something Adam was aware of. Maybe that was Loki's own mind playing with him. He knew what he felt, he just didn't want to accept it.

He never could let his guard down, but… maybe just this one time, he could come to peace with the fact that he liked Adam more than he previously thought he would.

—

 ‘Hope you are feeling better today. Take care.’ 

Loki had been rotting in his bed for hours now, and he didn't intend to stop. Then, his phone vibrated. He had almost forgotten he gave Adam his number, and now he wished it didn't happen that way. He had come to terms with having a small crush on the man. And thinking about it, he would much rather get Adam’s number in more romantic circumstances. That was enough sulking, Loki thought. He had already fallen behind on work he had planned, and he hated himself for being so affected by a mere mention of Thor.

Well, that might have been more about Thor getting dangerously close in his efforts to contact Loki which was terrifying, than just memories of Thor. Loki didn't want to have anything to do with his ex-brother. Nevertheless, life went on. He had work to do, food to eat and messages to answer. 

‘I'm fine. I'll drop by to give you back your jacket.’ 

He stopped typing for a moment and his face twisted with a cringe. How does one approach a situation such as this? His crush witnessed him having a panic attack, or rather the aftermath of it and he helped , unlike what most people would do for Loki. 

‘Thank you, by the way.’ 

Loki put down his phone and finally got up. There was Adam's jacket, lying on the counter in his kitchen, which Loki wasn't sure what to do with before he gives it back to the owner. Was he supposed to wash it? He couldn't put it into his closet, that was where Loki's clothes were. And Loki wouldn't get attached to a goddamn piece of clothing just because it was given to him by Adam.  It wasn't Adam’s work jacket either, and he only noticed when he got home the day before. It was soft yellow and incredibly warm. He wouldn't admit it, but he didn't want to give it back. It was selfish of him, Adam didn’t know that side of him yet, and Loki didn’t intend for him to find out.

He still remembered Adam's warm hands on his own- 

The phone started ringing and Loki startled. When was the last time someone called him? Nobody really wanted to hear his voice, his previous friends only texted, Hela did too. Still, he picked up his phone and froze. Out of everyone he expected to get a call from (Hela or Mrs. Greenwood) on the screen read ‘Adam’, with a profile picture of a photo Loki took of his sketch with Adam and Natasha. Realizing he had been staring for too long and it was about to hang up, he responded. 

“Adam?” 

“Hello to you too, Loki.” Adam’s smooth like honey voice filled Loki's ears and he couldn't help but fall on the couch in relief. He was glad to hear his voice again, the tone Adam used with him was grounding. “I'm calling because… well, I won't be at work for the next few days.” 

“Oh.” Loki felt that, despite his trained poker face, disappointment seeped through his mask. 

“But if you really want to give me back my jacket, then how about we meet somewhere else?” That got Loki to perk up in interest. 

“Oh? Are you proposing a date, dear Adam?” On the other side he could hear Adam's muffled chuckles and it made a smile appear on Loki’s face too. 

“If you want to see it that way, then go ahead. I know a good coffee place, if that's good with you?” Was that the tiniest bit of hope Loki heard in his voice? 

“Why, I could never refuse a good cup of coffee.” He let a flirtatious tone slip into his voice. “Especially with such a company.”

“I- I'll send you the name of the Cafe through text. Is tomorrow 1 pm good?” The slight stutter at Loki's boldness sounded cute. And Loki could imagine how gorgeous blushing would look on a pretty face like Adam's. 

“Yeah. It's a date, then. I'll see you tomorrow” Using his newfound confidence, Loki didn't hesitate to try and sound a little less nonchalant than he usually does. 

“See you, Loki.” Adam hung up, leaving Loki in the silence of his room. And Loki wanted to scream, both delighted from having a chance to meet up with Adam after the mess that happened the day before, maybe even making a new good impression, and because he was also horrified. 

But Loki would slip on the mask of the best version of himself and try to keep Adam in his life just for a little bit more. Just a few more moments. 

—

September’s sun shined with the remaining warmth of summer when Loki walked to the place Adam pointed him to. It was right next to the zoo, but there weren't many people inside, even though the zoo was open. Weird, Loki thought, why was Adam not working today? He held his friend's washed jacket in his arms. It was a comforting weight against his body as he nervously walked towards the doors. Of course, he wouldn't let Adam see that. His expression was remarkably peaceful with a slight annoyed tint to it, like always. Hela called it a resting bitch face and Loki couldn't help but agree. She never had anything nice to say about his face, but he also didn't expect her to. When he smiled, she said his smirk looked villainous and when he didn't, she told him he looked like he was eternally bothered by something. He wondered if Adam saw it that way. He hoped he didn't. 

The doors opened with a ringing of a bell and he was welcomed by a cozy interior. There were plush, green and yellow chairs placed around wooden, round tables. There were so many plants inside and tigers painted on the walls that Loki thought the Cafe could have something to do with the zoo after all. But the inside of a building was not what caught Loki's attention the most. 

In the corner, the golden man was sitting. His hair looked unusually fluffy, and he was dressed in light blue jeans and a t-shirt with ‘Soul Bounded’ written on it. And, oh god, he was wearing eyeliner. It took everything for Loki not to blush when the man smiled at him, welcoming. 

“Nice to see you again.” 

“Hello to you too, Adam.” Loki teased and sat down on the green chair on the opposite of the table. It reminded him of the same chairs Mrs. Greenwood had, but he ignored those thoughts in favour of enjoying the sight in front of him. 

Adam hid his smile by taking a bite of the cake sitting innocently on the table. It was cute, and Loki couldn't help but notice there was one more slice of the same cake on another plate, which Adam slid towards him. 

“My threat. It's lemon cake, and something tells me you are going to love it.” He said with a happy glimmer in those blue eyes. “Trust me, even my friend who doesn't like lemons loves it.”  

“If you say so. Let me buy you coffee or tea then.” He stood up and was about to go to the counter when Adam's reached across the table and stopped him. Loki thought the man was about to tell him that he didn't have to and Loki would, of course, protest. If Adam could buy something for Loki, then Loki can buy something for Adam. Most people wasted their time trying to be the better person, and frankly, Loki didn't enjoy it. He liked being spoiled and using people, yes, but not Adam. 

“Just one black coffee for me please. Thanks.” And with that the warmth around Loki's arm was gone. But not the warmth in his heart. This man was perfect. 

When Loki was back and their coffee was on the table, the man indulged his curiosity. “So, you have a week off work?”

“Not precisely off work, I'm just not at the zoo. I work two jobs.” Loki looked at Adam surprised. Seeing his look, the golden haired man continued. “It's not because I don't have money or anything. I just… I studied veterinary medicine. Technically, I'm a vet.” 

Loki stayed silent, letting him speak. He did have questions, though. 

“I work one week in the zoo and another as a vet. I just like working with animals and, well… helping them, in one way or another. I used to volunteer at animal shelters too.” Was it even possible to be more pure hearted than Adam? Loki didn't think it was. 

“That's admirable.” 

“No really, it's what everyone would do if they could.” That was definitely false, but Loki didn't dare discourage Adam from talking. “It's nothing special.” 

“You're very humble, you know that? I have free time but I don't do what you do. Even though I could.” Loki shook his head in disbelief, taking a bite of his cake. “Hmm, that's really good, you were right.” 

“Everyone should have free time, and it's your choice how you use it. Animals just aren't as important to you as they are to me, and that's okay.” Adam reassured Loki, even though he thought he didn't need it. “You help people in other ways.” 

Loki lifted a dubious brow. “Such as?” 

“For instance, you helped me. You kept me company when I needed it.” Loki wanted to scream at Adam's face that it was exactly the other way around, but was left speechless. “I'm not lying. I was having a bad day, and you made it better, even if not intentionally.”

Loki felt like he was being lured into a trap, a false sense of security, but he couldn't even not fall for it, when Adam looked at him like that and said things Loki thought he didn't need to hear. “You overestimate me. It could have been anybody else.” 

“And yet, you were the one who showed up.” 

“For selfish reasons. I didn't even know you'd be there.” Loki's face twisted, but he covered it behind a sip of coffee. 

“And if you knew I was there, would you have come?” Loki didn't say anything and just sighed. Arguing with this man was impossible and he didn't want to erase the pretty smirk on Adam's face. 

His companion took the silence for agreement. “Thought so. You are not as dark and mysterious as you appear to be.” He teased. 

“My friends would disagree. Hela told me I'm like a villain from the comics I ink.” And if Loki agreed with it, Adam didn't have to know. 

“Oh, I didn't know villains treat us normal civilians for coffee now. What a lucky individual I must be.” Adam chuckled, and Loki smiled at that. 

“Only the pretty ones.” Put his elbow on the table and leaned his face on the open palm of his hand, fingers of another hand tracing the edge of his cup. 

Adam blushed and took a moment to answer.

“Didn't know villains are this handsome and flirtatious now, too.” He caught eye contact with Loki, maybe hoping to get a blush out of him too, but Loki just smirked. 

“Maybe you're just special.” Loki straightened up and finished his drink. “Here's your jacket, by the way.” 

He handed back the piece of clothing and Adam started telling him about his day and somehow it was more interesting than reading the comics Loki inked. There was something in Adam's voice that made Loki want to listen, because every word out of his mouth was like liquid gold. 

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end, and soon enough, before Loki had enough of Adam's voice, the man had to go. 

And Loki was once again left to himself, finishing the lemon cake while staring at an empty, yellow plush chair. 

Chapter Text

 Loki didn't go to therapy the next week. He knew it was theoretically supposed to help him, but he simply didn't feel safe there anymore. No, scratch that, he hadn't felt safe from the beginning, but now? The thought of talking to Mrs. Greenwood again made him physically flinch. It made Loki feel a bit embarrassed. It was just meeting up with a person he had known for some time now and talking to them. If he didn't want to talk, she couldn't make him do it. A lot of people attended therapy these days, and yet they didn't act like Loki, because most of them weren't cowards. And, as much as Loki didn't like it, he could see his own shortcomings and was acutely aware of his failures. 

He hadn't stopped coming to the zoo to see Adam though. His sketchbook, which sat atop of Loki's counter, was a living proof of those meetings. If someone opened it and flipped a few pages, they would see that Loki had been drawing a lot more than just animals. He was drawing his favourite sight, that he almost always encountered during his visits. There was a sketch of the man leaning against a water tank, looking straight into it as if looking for someone. Loki made sure to add extra detail to his face and its reflection on the glass pane. Only a page later was there an actual animal - a shark named Jeff, the one Adam had told him about.  

That day Adam had shown him to the aquarium personally. Loki showed up early, with two cups of coffee in his hands. He wished he had his sketchbook opened when Adam saw him coming, because he would like to save that image in his head forever. It was as if the sun itself smiled and thanked Loki for his thoughtfulness. And Lok had enjoyed its rays for as long as he possibly could, he basked in them like a sunbathing cat. 

“Come with me, you deserve a private tour for that offering.” Loki could never refuse the face Adam makes when he is pleased. Slight uplift of his lips and softening of his eyes were enough to leave Loki yearning for more. 

Loki agreed and Adam led him further into the zoo, until they entered a big, bluish gray building. Adam was still holding his steaming cup of coffee with both of his hands which made Loki's mind wonder. Were his hands cold? The morning was a bit cold, Loki had to admit. Was there even a slim chance that he would have led Loki to the aquarium by his hand if he wasn't holding the paper cup? A little bit of daydreaming never hurt anybody.  

The inside of the building was only brightened by soft, blue light that came from the aquariums. Ribbons of light danced on the floor, water reflecting the light and distorting it with the slightest movement. Then Adam made him sit on one of the benches in front of a big water tank where countless colorful fish swam. Some of their scales made an impression of being even luminescent. As Loki looked inside the tank, Adam was speaking. 

“See this small group, with blue specks? Those are german blue rams. Or those bigger ones with black stripes? Those are anglefish. Both of the species are freshwater fish and…” Loki had to admit he zoned out a little. Not because what Adam was telling him was insignificant or boring, no. It's just that after the first two sentences or so, Loki glanced at Adam's face again and his eyes didn't want to go back to looking at the animals. Adam was talking animatedly with a passionate glint in his eyes, looking into the tank while focusing on finding another fish to point and describe to Loki. The sight almost made Loki smile. 

“How do you even remember all of this?” When Adam looked back at him Loki attempted to not look like he was staring at him all this time.

“Well it's kind of my job.” He answered with a sheepish expression. 

“I thought you handled like… mammals or reptiles, not fish.” Loki pointed out and took a sip out of his sweetened coffee. His life wasn't exactly sweet, so Loki made sure at least his coffee was. 

“You're right. But I sometimes lead field trips, so I have to know all about these animals, especially the ones that catch people's attention.” Then he turned around and pointed at some other fish species in the tank opposite of them. “For example, these ones aren't as colorful and interesting as the others so we usually don't include them in our tours. To be honest, I don't even remember their names without looking at the label.” 

“Really? Until this moment I thought you were a perfect human being. Knows everything, helps others in free time, and has a big heart.” Loki rolled his eyes playfully. “My complete opposite.” 

Adam didn't respond for a moment and when Loki looked back at him, he almost froze in place like an animal in front of headlights. The smile on Adam's face wasn't quite gone, but it wasn't as bright either. His eyes became unreadable and Loki feared he had said something wrong. Did he fail again? 

But then, thank god, Adam returned to his previous expression, as if whatever he thought just a moment ago didn't exist. “I'm not your opposite in that regard. You have a big heart too.” 

Loki scowled at him. That was not a sentence anyone would ever say about Loki, in any universe. Maybe the man was trying to flatter him? Adam did look like he meant it though. 

“And how could you be so sure?” Adam looked at him for a long while. It made Loki feel a bit small, under those clear eyes. 

“I just am.” The answer was simple, but not something Loki wanted to hear. Being completely honest, Loki hoped Adam had somehow found anything good in him, something that would reassure Loki that he wasn't as bad as he thought he was. “Trust me. My co-workers say my gut feeling is impeccable.” 

Loki raised a brow at that, urging Adam to continue while finishing his coffee from the now mostly empty cup. 

“Have you seen Bruce yet?” 

“Who?” 

“A grizzly bear.” Adam explained. “He is one of our rescue cases. Used to be an attraction in a circus. The Incredible Hulk they called him.” 

Loki hummed in interest. “There's a lot of rescues in this zoo, isn't there?” 

“Yes. Anyways, once I noticed he was acting odd. When I brought it up, everybody dismissed it.” Adam sighed at the memory, and shook his head. “I knew something was wrong. So, despite what my supervisors told me, I sneaked into his enclosure to check up on him. I'm a vet too, so I knew how to treat them.“

Loki furrowed his brows and Adam clarified. “Of course I tranquilized him before getting in. Well, he was ill and if I hadn't intervened, he might have ended up dead.” 

“Maybe you are just incredibly compassionate.” 

“Maybe. But, if I feel like you are a good person, then you are a good person. At least in my eyes.” The last sentence worked like a charm on Loki's nerves and weird relief overcame him. He knew Adam didn't think bad of him, or he wouldn't have kept meeting up with him, but hearing it directly from his mouth was like a soothing balm on Loki's anxious thoughts. 

With some more peace in his mind, Loki followed Adam deeper into the aquarium. The golden-haired man would sometimes throw a fun fact here and there and Loki soaked up his voice like a sponge. They walked slowly and steadily, lazily even. It seemed neither of them wanted for their trip to end. The time stretched on, leaving both of them unaware of the rest of the world. 

They turned right, then left, then went down the stairs. Sometimes Loki glanced at Adam and would see him looking back with a smile on his lips as he talked, sometimes Loki didn't turn around and didn't notice Adam's attention was all on him. 

They ended up in front of Jeff's enclosure a bit too early for Loki's taste. 

“I introduce to you, the star of our aquarium.” Adam spread out his arms theatrically. “Jeff the lemon shark.” 

As if Jeff could hear his zookeeper summoning him, a medium sized shark swam towards the glass and showed off its teeth. It spun around and swam closer towards Adam who cooed at the creature. 

“He is so cute. I can't believe people look at sharks and think they mean harm.” He raised his hand and then extended it to the right. Jeff diligently followed it and swam away to the right, only to come back a moment later. 

“People often portray them as monsters in pop culture, that's why. I don't think they are monsters, though.” Loki nodded in agreement.  

“Yes, and usually only the bad things are displayed on the news. Shark attacks aren't common, but if they happen, the whole world hears about them. But when a near extinct species makes a comeback, nobody cares.” Adam sighed, the smile disappearing from his face and a hint of sadness taking its place. 

It's not just sharks that are touched by this problem, Loki thought bitterly. A lot of other animals were. People too. 

“Maybe one day they will see.” Loki tried to comfort. He wasn't too good at it, but he at least tried. Adam seemed to appreciate his effort, though. 

The golden-haired man leaned on the glass pane and started telling Loki more about animals swimming in Jeff's tank. Loki took out his sketchbook. They sat there in peace for a while longer, before Adam had to go help his co-worker.

In the same sketchbook, on the next page, a pack for four wolves was drawn on milky-white paper. There was no human in the picture this time. 

Loki had bought pastries the next time he had gone to the zoo. For no one in particular, really. He entered in the middle of noon, when the only other people he would see were occasionally some parent with a small child or a zoo worker. 

He wandered around the zoo trying to find Adam, to no avail. Maybe he was just busy? After all, meeting Loki wasn't his job, caretaking of animals was. Deciding he couldn't stroll around the zoo for the next hour until he bumped into Adam without looking desperate, he sat down on the closest bench and took out the sketchbook to pass some time. He didn't even check what animals were in the enclosure before sitting in front of them. 

Four pairs of eyes bore into him with interest. One of the wolves turned his head to the side as if surprised to see anyone during this time of the day. Loki read the sign in front of the enclosure. Gray wolves, specifically three males and one female. Their names were Sue, Reed, Jonny and Ben. Underneath the introduction, columns of general information about gray wolves were spread across the rest of the space left on the plastic slate. 

He spent the next few minutes sketching them, two of them smaller in size, one medium and one much bigger than the other, so much so Loki would have thought it belonged to entirely different species.

“Are you Loki?” A feminine voice asked from his right and Loki's head snapped up. Next to him stood a short woman with black hair and big eyes. Her smile was big and a bit too sweet for Loki's taste. 

“Depends on who’s asking.” If Thor sent another one of his friends after him, he might as well just move to another country. Can't this idiot not understand Loki doesn't want to have anything to do with him? 

“Ohh, dark and mysterious!” Loki swears if her hands weren't full of something that looked like bags of food, she would have clapped her hands in delight. “Exactly what Adam said.” 

Loki froze at that. Adam said what?  

“Excuse me, but who are you? Adam’s sidekick?” He snarled defensively but it did nothing to wipe that silly smile from her face. The insult flew right over her head.

“I'm Mantis, Adam's co-worker! Nice to meet you, he told us a lot about you.” 

“Such as?” Now Loki was curious. He also wanted to know who ‘us’ were. Was he about to be assaulted by another happy-go-lucky attitude soon? Because he would rather get to know it earlier so he could dodge an unnecessarily annoying encounter. 

“He said you are sooo handsome and he is sooo in love with you.” Another voice came from behind a Mantis, and a man with dirty blonde hair and brown eyes stepped from behind Mantis’ back. In that moment, Loki's mind screeched to a halt. He was pretty sure he let his bafflement show on his face due to the suddenness of it all. Mantis shoved the newly arrived man aside with a disapproving expression. “Kidding! He might as well have said that though.” 

“Peter! Don't scare him away! Look at him!” She gestured at Loki who looked at both of them in disbelief and confusion. “He is so cute, I can see why Adam likes him!” 

Loki wanted to cut in, because he was not cute, but Peter was faster. “I'm not scaring him away, he is a grown ass man he can handle this. Right?” 

Loki scowled at him. “You-” 

“Right.” Peter nodded in contentment, completely ignoring the other man's murderous expression.  

“Adam actually told us you are his friend, nothing more-” Mantis tried to explain. 

“That's a lie-” Loki raised a brow at that. 

“No it's not. Well not a complete lie. Anyways Adam isn't here today, sorry.” That finally caught Loki's attention which he diverted from staring at Peter to staring at Mantis who looked actually sympathetic. “He came down with a cold. Told us to tell you if you happen to visit and look for him.” 

Oh. Did he get sick on that cold morning in the aquarium? Loki mentally slapped himself for not offering to lend him his hoodie as Adam had done the same for him just a few days ago. “Well, uh- Is he… alright?” 

Loki wasn't the best at conveying worry. Especially in front of other people. Mantis however looked like she was about to start jumping up and down. 

“Aww, you worry! He is okay, should be back in a day or two.” One more moment in Mantis’ company and Loki might throw up. The tone she used with him reminds him of how people talked to puppies and cats when they found them especially cute. “Do you want us to… pass along a message?” 

Loki looked at them both again. They didn't even look capable of delivering a message without changing its meaning at least twice in the process. He didn't trust them nor did he want them to know any more about his and Adam's relationship. “No.” 

“Wow, you really must have a soft spot for Adam with the way he talks about you.” Peter rested a hand on his hip, looking like a high school bully. And then started mocking Adam's voice, which, if you asked Loki, was nothing like Adam’s. “ Ohh he is so nice! You'll like him, Peter Quill, he even gave me coffee once, I'll die for this man!” 

Mantis giggled and shoved Quill in the shoulder once more.

 “That's not what he sounds like.” Loki glared at Peter as threateningly as he could manage while processing what the man just said. Surely, at least some of it might have been true? Did Adam really think about him that way? 

“He does. And tomorrow I'll tell him you glared at me like you wanted to kill me this whole time, and he will say “ My Loki? Oh he could never-” Peter tried to make a lovesick expression but to Loki he looked simply disturbing.

“Okay, Starlord, that's enough.” Mantis stopped Peter but she was still giggling. 

“He would say that, though.” She whispered to Peter thinking Loki couldn't hear her. He could. “It was a pleasure to meet you Loki, but I'm afraid we must go. Bye!” 

Loki said nothing as they walked away, whispering and laughing quietly. He didn't like them in the slightest . How could Adam enjoy their company? Maybe he didn't, and was just forced to since he worked with them? That made a lot more sense for Loki.

That day, there was no drawing of Adam added to Loki's sketchbook. There was a text on his phone though, wishing for Adam to get better, and then a thankful response telling Loki not to worry.

The next drawing in Loki's sketchbook was scribbled all over. From the shape of it, it was a portrait of a man. There wasn't much that could be seen through the aggressive pencil streaks, but the silhouette didn't look like Adam. 

The day it was created was sunny and Loki had too much work to let himself visit Adam. He had let himself relax too often lately, resulting in a mountain of work that was spread across his desk after he came back from groceries. Every time he finished inking one page, it was like there were two new ones in its place. It was an endless void of work Loki couldn't escape no matter how fast he tried to ink the pages.  Then his phone pinged with a notification. Hopeful that Adam might be the one messaging him, because not many people did, he picked up the phone, already forming an apology and excuse as to why he couldn't meet up with him, but the name displayed on the screen didn't begin with an ‘A’. 

‘Meet you in 5. In your apartment.’ All the hope vanished and left a hole full of dread in the place where his heart is. Hela did say they were going to talk about it, but Loki wasn't exactly eager to invite Hela for a chat. That was… fine. All he needed to do was not open the door and pretend he wasn't home. He couldn't focus on his work anymore, overcome with a nervousness he could get rid of.  

After waiting for what felt like eternity, idly spinning the pen in his hand to somehow relieve some of the nerves, his doorbell rang. He knew it was coming, but it didn't mean he dreaded it any less. He didn't move an inch. Hela rang it one more time and when that didn't help, she started banging on the door with her fist. 

“I know you're inside, you coward! I saw you come back from shopping.” 

“You stalked me?” Loki sighed and resigned from trying to fool Hela.

“Why would anyone want to stalk you. ” He could hear that mocking smirk through the door. “You are not the only person going to that shop, you know. Now open the goddamn door.” 

Loki scoffed. Why would he? Maybe he couldn't fool Hela, but he could simply refuse to open the door. He didn't have to talk to her. “And what if I don't?” 

“Then all your neighbors are going to hear all about your drama because I've already made an effort to come here and I won't go back without talking to you.” Damn Hela and her stubbornness. “Either to your face or to through the door.” 

Loki was frozen like a deer in headlights, he knew what he had to do, but he really didn't want to. She was going to mock or laugh at him because the evil, emotionless Loki had an anxiety attack over a mere mention of Thor. Pathetic. But if he opened the door and let her in, at least he wouldn't look as weak. And nobody else other than Hela would know. Even though Loki thought Hela wasn't above gossiping his secrets to the very ‘friends’ who abandoned him. He approached the door slowly like it offended him while gathering all the confidence he could to look at least somewhat collected during that absolutely catastrophic conversation that was about to happen. When he opened them, he was met with a very annoyed Hela, one hand on her hip, while the other was holding something that looked suspiciously like takeout. She unceremonially pushed Loki inside and closed the door behind her. 

“What happened to hi, hello, how are you?” He smirked with malice, hoping the nervousness wouldn't show through the mask. Hela only looked at him begrudgingly. 

“Hi, hello, how are you. Can we talk about Thor now?” Loki stopped in shock at her boldness and nearly failed to keep his face from falling apart. “What? Are you gonna run away like you did a week ago?”  

Loki cleared his throat and looked at Hela with what he hoped looked like disgust. “I have no idea what you are talking about. I just had to urgently attend to some… matters.” 

“ Please, Loki, have mercy.” She rolled her eyes and groaned. “I have no patience to deal with your bullshit right now.” 

Hela walked to the counter in the kitchen and turned around to face Loki with judgment in her bored eyes. With furrowed brows Loki came to look at what got Hela to look so judgemental. There was a paper cup left after a ramen he had eaten for lunch today. He glanced at Hela with annoyance. “What?” 

“Have you eaten any normal food for the past few days?” She looked Loki up and down. “No wonder you look like that.” 

Now it was Loki's turn to be offended. How dare she? He looked down at his clothes and they looked fine to him. “You're not the one to judge, my dear Hela. Not with your sense of fashion.” He snarled back. 

“Not that, you idiot, have you looked into the mirror recently? Your face looks like shit.” Sure, he may have neglected sleep lately due to nightmares and work but it couldn't be that bad, could it be? 

“Did you come here just to insult me? Because I can and will throw you out the door if I have to.” Bad move, Loki thought, he accidentally reminded Hela she came here to talk about something else which was definitely a worse subject than how bad his face looked at the moment. 

“No, but something tells me you're going to at least try to not talk about it so I… brought a little peace offering.” She put the bag she had been carrying on the counter with a soft ‘thud’. 

Loki looked at her expectantly. She opened one of the boxes and inside was… pad thai. Loki loved that, but the question is, how did Hela even know he liked it? Besides, he was not going to be bribed by food, even delicious ones. 

“Don't act tough. I know you love it, you told me once when you were drunk.” Well, Loki didn't remember that happening. Maybe he had drunk too much that one time. “Take it. And sit your ass on the couch before I make you. You are not escaping this one.” 

He begrudgingly took the box without sparing Hela a glance. Maybe he should just ignore everything she tells him to get her to shut up and leave him alone. This tactic sometimes worked on his therapist and she was literally trained to get people to open up. 

“Why did you run?” Loki was still looking straight ahead, paying Hela no mind. “We all have our problems but people don't usually run at the mention of one name.” 

Silence. Not in Loki's mind, though. 

Sure, people didn't usually run at the mention of one name, but Loki was not ‘people’. He was broken beyond saving and he was never really trying to behave otherwise. It manifested in different ways. His friends thought he was broken, because they thought him unable of genuine kindness and care. He thought he was broken, because he saw what bullshit his mind was capable of. He saw those nightmares, he saw how utterly defenseless and weak he really was, and how cruel. Someone had broken his confidence, his ability to attach himself to others, his heart, and he never recovered from it. Like a traumatized cat unable to connect with his owner, he was tossed away at the smallest incontinence. He was a stray, not in a way that made people want to fix him, but in a way that people would rather leave him to rot. 

“If you don't want to talk, I will.” Hela's box of takeout remained closed. Loki could only suspect what she bought for herself, but that thought was a drop in an ocean that was Loki's twisted mind right now. An ocean he was slowly but surely drowning in. “You know what I think? I think you have fucked up your relationship with him the same way you fucked up the relationship with the rest of our mutual friends and I'm sure there were others before us that you have treated the same. But he, for some reason I can't understand, still cares about you. And you are too scared to apologise, because big bad villains don't apologise, and definitely not to golden retriever superheroes like Thor.” 

“I'm not scared!” Loki snapped, even though he knew it was a lie. All of Loki's life was a lie, Thor's affection included. “ He was the one who tossed me away, you have no idea what you are talking about!” 

“Really? Because the way he talked about you it looked like you were the one who pushed him away.” That made Loki angry. If he was to drown, then so be it, but he couldn't keep the searing hot rage inside any longer. Rage born of grief and pain was the worst kind, and it tended to hurt the person who bottled it. 

“He threw me away! He- Thor, the perfect child his parents always wanted instead of me!” At that point the mask was long forgotten and Hela's shocked expression just proved to Loki that there was something more she saw behind it that wasn't only rage.  

“What are you-” Loki silenced her with a hateful glare. He stood up with renewed vigor. 

“Don't talk about things you have no idea of. I'm the victim in this situation! Not him!” There was so much venom in Loki's voice that Hela actually stayed silent for a second as Loki breathed heavily. “You have no right.” 

“Maybe not.” She composed herself and schooled her expression back into indifference. “I don't even want to talk about it, but Loki, it's eating you alive. Even a blind person could see that. You don't want to talk to me? Fine. Talk to your therapist instead, but if you keep acting like that, like you don't give a shit about anything or anyone, you are going to hurt everyone and yourself.” 

Hela stood up now too, her forgotten food left on the table. “I’ll leave. But your problems won't. Not if you continue doing whatever the fuck you've been doing this whole time. And as much as you want me to think so, I don't think you really enjoy what's going on.” 

Loki watched as Hela left and slammed the door behind her. He didn't know how long he had been standing frozen in that position, face empty of any expression as his eyes stayed glued on the last place Hela stood in. Did he fuck everything up? She deserved it, though. She poked a spot on Loki that was still raw and it hurt, so he bit. That's what animals do. And if he wasn't one of them, what was he? He was a stray animal to Hela, one that needed saving. He was a wounded animal to Adam that needed to be cared about. He was a rapid animal to anyone who knew him for more than a week, because that's when they usually started to get attached and find out Loki’s true nature. 

Sharp orange light screamed through the window and assaulted Loki's eyes. He turned around, finally, to the source of the light. The sun was already going down. But it was just past noon? He wasn't standing anymore. Why was he sitting on the ground? It was filthy. He had spilled the food. When? He didn't know. Loki's head was one, big, sweeping river that trashed Loki around like a rag doll, from one confused thought to another. He couldn't focus on anything. Filthy? Like him? His food was on the ground. What was he, an animal eating from the floor? Maybe it fit him. It was all a mess, chaos that perfectly mirrored Loki's state of mind. It was blank one moment, and then full of thoughts the next. 

Before he realised, he was laying on the floor, curled up as if he was trying to shield himself from an unseen foe. Except his own mind was that foe, and he couldn't run from it. No, he was held hostage as he looked back into the memories with him , both happy and sad. Sad ones made him feel hurt and lost. Happy ones were even worse, they reminded Loki what he had lost, what could have been his life if he, no, if Thor hadn't- It wasn't his fault! 

His head was hurting and Loki groaned. It was already dark outside and there was something wet on his face. Did he fall asleep? He didn't feel like he had rested, no, it felt even worse. His head was spinning as he heaved himself up, both hands on the ground lifting all of his body weight, which felt heavier than usual. He put one of his hands on the table and immediately fell back down with a surprised gasp, as an item he had put his hand on slipped off the table with him. It fell on the ground with a thud and opened. It was his sketchbook. 

Loki raised his head. It opened on the page with the first drawing he had made of Adam, the one with lions. Adam from the picture looked fondly at him. He looked happy. He lifted the sketchbook gently and sat on the floor, leaning back against the couch. 

And then, looking at the only thing that had brought him hope for the past two weeks, moonlight streaming through the window making it barely visible, he came to a realization. He didn't want to stay like that. He didn't want to give up to his demons, didn't want to drown in the ocean of thoughts, because he didn't want to lose whatever he had with Adam. Fear at the mere thought of that happening felt like getting thrown into ice-cold water. He physically shivered. He closed the sketchbook and rested its leathery cover against his forehead. Then, he continued shivering as he cried. Nothing he wanted ever came true. It was a law of nature it seemed. Survival of the fittest, and Loki just wasn't ‘ the fittest’. Hela was. Thor was. Adam was. Loki wasn't. 

He had made an attempt later, in the middle of the night, as he had awoken in cold sweat. He had reached for the pencil and sketched out a silhouette of a muscular man. He had drawn his long hair in a bun, his lips drawn in a smirk he always gave Loki as he greeted him in the morning. And Loki? He hated himself for even thinking it was a good idea, as he angrily destroyed it.