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“Hoping only leaves a deeper wound in your heart…” The teacher’s voice subsided, the breeze from the window wafting the smell of the freshly planted roses outside. Nobody would notice if one of two would be plucked, right?
soft murmurs faded in and out with occasional shuffling of seats. With one student’s focus on something different. The loss of the unplanned conversations with rung between Till and his seat mate—who was currently somewhere else. He thought he’d like the quieter room where he could concentrate on his studies—but he only felt uncomfortable with the silence. He wanted to talk to someone. Somebody to…love him.
His focus turned onto the whiteboard…gibberish he couldn’t understand. Till yearned for somebody to embrace him and engulf him with warmth he never received as a child. But only the frigidity of the breeze entering the classroom squeezed him. He was never interested in literature, although his teacher made him feel aware of his shallow feelings.
Stop thinking about him.
All he could recall was how pale he felt, how the seat next to him was empty today. How he pushed the only boy he could ever get close to away, he could only cling to a thread of hope—but that too abandoned him. He knew it was useless to hope, but he had already fallen into this pit of madness, where he couldn’t escape no matter how much he tried.
I’m still thinking about him—damnit.
The charming ravenhaired never escaped Till’s line of sight, he really had fallen for him, hard, huh? “Till, why don’t you answer the question on the board?” An unfamiliar voice echoed in the now foreign room.
..What.
He wasn’t supposed to get called on! Nor does he remember raising his now numb arm. “Uh—“ He needed to make an excuse- stat. What could he say or do?
“Well uh miss, I actually can’t because…” Till trails off, it was evident that he’ll be sent to detention. His mind turns to Ivan (Not now!) he shakes the thought away. He couldn’t just say he was thinking about his crush like a possessive highschool girl who won’t take no as an answer. “I need to go!” He slinged his bag onto is shoulder and bolted out the door. It was the 4th time this week he left class for the same reason—Ivan. This…idiot made Till’s heart explode with fear. His walls he put up for a reason will be crushed down.
“TILL!” The voice called out, although wavering and fading once Till was far from his classroom.
It…wasn’t the best excuse, but not the worst. Although he knows where to go for lunch—detention. Till wasn’t a straight-A perfect student like Luka, he was more reckless and foolish for letting his feelings take over. His body shuddered at the thought of abruptly leaving 3rd period to imagine his future life with Ivan, they’d have a shared apartment with two Yorkies—
would they even work out or would it end in an ending Till would rather forget? An ending which felt as if it happened a couple hundred years ago when they performed on a stage?—
…
… Wait.
… What day was it today?
He slid his phone out of his pocket, a mellow selfie of him and Ivan together in class. Faces squished together with the sunlight beaming hues of purples, oranges, yellows and pinks. Why did love feel so cringe at times?
…If being cringe means being with you, I will always be cringe.
February 14th.
Damnit, how could he forget? He isn’t worthy of love.
_______________________________________________
As the bell rung to signal the start of first break, Till shook the vending machine to its sides until a chocolate bar dropped. Perfect. Everything was going according to plan…or was it? This was a lame excuse of a gift to his crush, but he’ll make it work! Like always…Till’s gaze averted from the ceiling to the attractive man in front of him.
You can’t mess this up!
The silent footsteps engulfed him, blurring out the endless pits of laughter which echoed the cafeteria. He can’t back out now- or ever. This will tell their story, this one confession could blossom into something astounding—or it’ll only worsen Till’s mental state. He gets vivid memories of being on stage with a man who looks identical to Ivan, lifeless on the ground. He wishes he could get a second chance at life, to undo his mistakes.
but this is his second chance.
“Er, hey. I like you.” Till extended his arm which was sweating profusely with a snickers bar in hand. A red flush washing across his face, except Ivan doesn’t react.
Ivan was his true love. He knew everything about him, from the way he styled his hair, to the way he walked around campus. He was such a lovesick fool. So how could he forget that Ivan was allergic to peanuts?
He should’ve gone with the drawing he painted of Ivan instead, but of course he had to go with the cliche chocolates and a wilted flower clutched in his sweaty hand. “…sorry Till, I don’t like you back.” Those words hit him like a quadruple decker bus…what went wrong?
As Ivan trailed off to the hallways, the noise only ringed in Till’s ears. His eyes felt like they were burning, he thought he prepared himself enough for a rejection—like always, but it shot him in the neck. The pain he once experienced has followed him back to his new soul, to watch him rise and fall again.
“D-don’t cry…idiot.” He mumbles In between sniffles, he wasn’t deserving of love. Why did he even expect Ivan to reciprocate his hollow feelings? Love was a concept which only the worthy received. He wasn’t royal, only a broken crown clutched against his chest as if it's the only thing giving him warmth.
I shouldn’t feel like this.
…
It hurts.
…
I shouldn’t cry, like my mother said.
…
He watched as the water flowed out from the fountain, ringing giggles echoing across the campus. He was different, I know that, you don’t need to remind me. He couldn’t be loved. It was as if he was holding onto a lifeless corpse whom he knew that its soul had already passed.