Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Mary is sure that Riri doesn't know what love is. Riri grew up alone, surrounded by her father's rules, the burden of protecting her sister. Riri is different; she doesn't feel emotions like others. Alexithymia governs her, and Riri is aware of it. Mary discovered it one evening when, looking for Kira, she came across a Riri in the throes of a crisis. The council room was dark, lit only by the lights of the camera monitors, the reflections of Kira's beloved aquariums, and the dim moonlight. From her position on the threshold, she glimpsed Riri in a corner of the room. She was fidgeting nervously, muttering words she couldn't understand. She didn't know what to do. She thought about calling Kira, but then remembered that she'd come down here specifically to look for her. Then, in a fit of madness—because you'd have to be completely crazy to approach a Timurov in his normal state, let alone in what looked to be a panic attack—she hesitated for a moment but approached. For the first time, Mary looked at her and didn't recognize her.
Riri was in a corner, her back against the wall, her torso bent forward, pacing jerkily back and forth.Her hands opened and closed compulsively, like claws ready to scratch something that wasn't there. The words coming out of her mouth were broken, mixed with Russian, with no apparent logic. Mary stiffened. It wasn't the first time she'd seen Riri tense, but not like this… not like this. Her instinct told her to stop, not to come any closer. And yet, her legs carried her forward. A creaking sound under her soles betrayed her presence. Riri leaped forward, turning suddenly. Her eyes, bright and feverish, seemed not to truly see her.
"Почему всё так шумно?!" (Why is everything so loud?!) she shouted, her voice hoarse, cracking.
Her hands flew to her temples. "Шумно… шумно…" (Noise… noise…) Mary took a slow step, but Riri reacted as if to an attack: she pushed back, hitting the wall, and then forward, with a quick swing of her arm that grazed Mary's face like a missed shot. "Я не могу сидеть!"(I can't sit down!) she spat out violently, hitting her chest with her clenched fist. "Too tight… in… too tight…" Mary froze. She wasn't sure if she was witnessing a panic attack, a nervous breakdown, or something else entirely.
Riri's breathing was jerky, her feet still moving, unable to stay still. "It's not… it's not pain…" she panted. "It's hot… it burns… but it doesn't hurt… but it tightens…" Her voice was shaking, but there was a disturbing clarity in her eyes, as if she knew what was happening to her was something she couldn't control. Mary couldn't have known it, but Riri knew that full emptiness, that nameless knot: alexithymia. She was aware, yet every time it was like falling into darkness. She turned suddenly and hit the wall with her open palm, the sharp sound echoing through the room. Then again at her temples, squeezing hard, as if trying to crush the noise out of her skull. —"Too… too…"
Mary acted instinctively. He grabbed her shoulders, pulling her toward him. Riri reacted forcefully. Her body stiffened, pushing away with her arms and legs. "Off!" (Let go of me!) she screamed, involuntarily hitting Mary's face with her elbow, splitting her lip and bruising her cheekbone. Mary resisted, tightening her grip. A few seconds. Then the shaking began to subside. Riri's breathing slowed, from short bursts to long, ragged gasps. She turned, her hands stopping pushing and grasping Mary's shirt, pulling hard as if to stay anchored. She collapsed to the ground, taking Mary with her. Her body weight grew heavier, her muscles gave way, and within minutes Riri was breathing evenly, her head resting against Mary's shoulder. She had fallen asleep.
Mary was confused, shocked. Riri always seemed so composed. She didn't know what to do. She was sitting in the dark, bruised and bleeding, holding the fearsome vice president of the council, who was sleeping peacefully. Mary noticed Riri's hands twitching, clutching her shirt, then relaxing upon noticing her presence. She was surprised at herself when she realized she had compared Riri's movement of nuzzling her shoulder and then nestling into the crook of her neck to that of a puppy seeking affection. Worse still, she blushed like a tomato all the way to her ears when she realized she was smiling and had unconsciously brought one of her hands to Riri's head, stroking her hair. Mary can't say how much time has passed, but she can say with certainty that she has never seen Kira so agitated and worried. She ran into the room with a surprised expression on her face, one hand already outstretched towards her sister, and the other ready to snatch Mary away... before stopping, seeing that Riri, for the first time in a long time, was asleep.
Both girls stare at each other, Kira notices the dried blood on Mari's face, "Did she hit you?" she whispers, at that moment something snaps in Mary, "What the fuck happened to her, Kira?" she screams in a whisper, Kira turns white, "Is she okay? Is she hurt?" she asks agitatedly, ignoring Mary's question. Kira doesn't know what to do, she's never seen her sister so relaxed after a crisis, she doesn't know whether to confide in Mary, but she knows for sure that this is her fault, after Mary left the council meeting Riri seemed stranger than usual and when she stopped Kira to talk, she quickly dismissed her to go look for Yumeko, she was so focused on her that she didn't notice Riri was collapsing, "No," Mary whispers, pulling her out of her thoughts, "She's fine, she banged her hands against the wall but there shouldn't be any damage," she said more calmly, noticing Kira's state, "It's my fault, I didn't see her coming, I was too focused on yumeko, I should have seen it coming…"she whispers, then looks at Mary who raises her eyebrow as she usually does when she's irritated and waiting for an answer,"I don't think it's my place to talk to you about this. Can you help me put her to bed? I don't want anyone else to see her like this," Kira asked in a whisper, her head down. Mary nodded and got up from the floor before bending over and picking Riri up. The scene was surreal, but Kira didn't say anything, instead turning to open the door and lead the way to Riri's dorm. They walked the 10 minutes in silence, with only Riri's little puffs to keep them company. When they reached the door, Kira looked at Mary and motioned for her to put Riri to bed. "I'll take care of it from here, thanks." Mary slowly eased Riri and nodded, heading towards the door. When she felt Kira's mouth stop her. "Alexithymia," she said. "It's what Riri has, I can't tell you more, she'll tell you about it if she wants." Mary looked at her and nodded, turning to leave when Kira spoke again. "I've never seen her like this after a crisis, it's all thanks to you, thanks for being there for her when I wasn't." Mary saw a tear roll down Kira's face, gave her a smile, and then left.
As she walked back to her dorm, she couldn't help but think about her sisters. For the first time since she'd known them, she saw a side no one believed existed, a side that no one had ever been able to grasp before that night, including her. As soon as she lay down in bed after changing clothes and treating her lip, she searched for the word Kira had said to her. When she read the meaning, everything made sense. She was right when she said Riri didn't know what love was, but she was wrong about the reason. Now she understands all the strange interactions with her, all the looks she couldn't make sense of, all the times Riri intervened violently and without warning to defend her. Riri has feelings for her, and Mary is willing to do anything to help her understand. She just hopes she's not wrong and doesn't hurt herself too much in the process. But she already knows that if she's right, all the pain in the world won't be enough to stop her. Riri loves Mary, even if she doesn't know it and after tonight Mary has no more excuses to deny the evidence, she loves Riri

Chapter Text

Riri wakes up with a start, confused and disoriented. She sits up, turns on the light, and looks around. She immediately notices her sister slumped over the desk, asleep still in her uniform. Then suddenly she remembers what happened the night before. Frozen in place, she doesn’t know how to process it all—she recalls the lights, the pain in her chest, the cold floor, then a warm body, a comforting embrace, the smell of blood, Mary’s face; she clenches her hands, feels like she’s suffocating, calls out Kira’s name. Kira wakes up confused but is immediately by Riri’s side as soon as she understands the situation, holding her hands so she won’t get too agitated and calming her down.

Within 10 minutes, Riri returns to her usual self—steady and blank gaze, calm and cold voice, her slightly glassy eyes the only sign of the brief collapse before.

“I hit her. Is she okay?” is the first thing she asks.

“She’s fine, just a little bruised but she’s okay,” Kira hesitates a moment then adds, “She calmed you down, she was there and I wasn’t, you were sleeping so peacefully—I’ve never seen you that calm after a crisis, I think you like her, Riri,” she says looking into her eyes, knowing that Riri can’t understand what it means, but also knows she is smart enough to recognize that her behavior says a lot about it. Riri’s eyes widen, knowing that her sister is at least partly right, but still doubtful, she hadn’t thought it could happen. They had discussed it a couple of times—she asked her sister how to understand if you like someone and her sister looked at her with a gaze that made her feel tiny, saying “We don’t even know how to understand it, Riri, I really don’t know how to help you, we’ll figure it out if and when it happens,” and that was the end of the conversation. She knew that everyone, herself included, thought the chances it would happen were close to zero.

---

Mary wakes up to Yumeko’s voice telling her to move or she’ll be left without breakfast. She smiles, now used to her personal alarm clock, then jolts and groans when she feels the cut on her lip reopen. As much as it hurts to admit it, Riri was very effective even in a confused state.

She gets up and goes to the mirror to assess the damage in the sunlight, wrinkling her nose when she doesn’t recognize herself. Her lip is swollen, split in the middle, with a purple bruise spreading across the entire right side of her now swollen and battered face. She suddenly jumps at Yumeko’s shout: “What the hell happened last night? Was it Kira? Are you both crazy? Tell me at least she looks worse, please!” Yumeko says in a mix of worry, curiosity, and amusement at the thought of the two fighting. Mary snorts, “There’s nothing funny about it, and it wasn’t Kira, it was Riri, she was…” Mary stops before finishing the sentence. Yumeko stops laughing and pales. “Damn, you’re in trouble, friend, what did you do to make her snap?” Mary shudders at the memory. “Yumeko please, I beg you, don’t tell anyone, if someone asks you about something you don’t know, please, or it’ll be worse for me,” Mary says imploringly, congratulating herself for being such a good actress. Yumeko nods. “I won’t say anything, but if you need help, I’m here.” Mary nods.

---

Mary enters class with slow steps, as if every movement weighed twice as much.

She keeps her hood up, but the air among the desks stills as soon as she steps into the room. Gazes pierce through her—some tinged with pity, others curious, and still others judgmental.

The murmuring quiets until it becomes an oppressive silence.

She says nothing. She sits at the back, staring at her notebook as if the lines could swallow her. The pen remains suspended between her fingers, motionless.

She doesn’t look for Riri; she already knows she’s not in this class. Meanwhile, Kira approaches her to whisper in her ear, always maintaining her aura as president, even if it feels strange not to see Riri next to her.

“Wow, yesterday she seemed a lot better,” she says with a slightly worried look.

“Well, what can I say, we both know Riri can hit hard,” Mary replies softly, smiling. Kira looks at her carefully, now more relaxed, noticing Mary is not angry, then moves away from her face and says, in front of everyone, “After class, come to the council room,” and walks away.

“Obviously she can leave,” thinks Mary, who attends the school thanks to a scholarship, her family couldn’t afford it even in a hundred years.

The morning passes in a mix of boring lessons, curious stares, and continuous whispers.

By the third hour, the whole school knows Kira has summoned her; bets on the boards concern why she looks like that and why Kira wants to see her.

But Riri doesn’t show up. Not a message, not a shadow in the hallway. Only absence.

It’s late afternoon when Mary leaves the gate with the sky already dull with clouds that she sees her.

Riri is on the other side of the street, hood pulled up, her gaze evasive. She looks so lost that Mary just wants to run to her and hug her, but she remembers Kira’s order and heads toward the council.

When she enters, she finds Kira sitting at her desk, motioning for Mary to sit next to her.

She pulls out some documents and hands them to Mary—“These are Riri’s psychological reports. I’ve seen how she looks at you and I know how much you care about her. I’ll tell you everything, but in return, promise me you’ll take care of her.”

Mary looks up from the papers at Kira, her eyes veiled with tears, her voice thin and uncertain—it’s the second time in two days she’s seen her like this—“I will, Kira, I’ll always take care of her,” she says, then lowers her head and starts reading.

Psychological Report – Riri Timurov

Date of evaluation: 14/05/20XX
Age: 8 years and 3 months
Parents/guardians: Mr. Arkadi Timurov
Reason for referral: School report due to lack of visible emotional reactions to social and competitive stimuli, difficulty interacting with peers, and flattened emotional responses.

1. Collected anamnesis

Pregnancy and birth: Normal, no complications reported.

Psychomotor development: Within normal limits (walked independently at 12 months, structured language by 3 years).

Socio-emotional development: Described by father as “calm” and “very independent” from early years; no recollection of frequent crying or intense emotional manifestations.

Family context: Living with father, stepsister, and stepmother; family environment described as competitive. No contact with biological mother.

2. Direct observation

General appearance: Neat child, sits composed, rigid posture.

Facial expression: Mostly neutral throughout the session; minimal variation even during stimulating games or emotional questions.

Motor behavior: Controlled, no restlessness.

Eye contact: Present but brief; tends to look away after a few seconds.

3. Clinical interview

Predominantly monosyllabic or short phrase responses.

Difficulty describing own emotional states:

Question: “How do you feel when you win a game?” → “Like before.”

Question: “What do you feel when you lose?” → “Nothing.”

Confusion between physical sensations and emotions:

Question: “How do you feel when you are scared?” → “My heart beats.”

Does not spontaneously use emotional terms (joy, anger, fear).

Does not report frequent symbolic or imaginative play experiences.

4. Tests administered

TAS-K (Toronto Alexithymia Scale for Kids): High scores in subscales Difficulty Identifying Emotions and Difficulty Describing Emotions.

Structured emotional interview: Poor ability to link events to emotional experiences; preference for concrete descriptions.

5. Clinical interpretation

Observed profile suggests:

Extremely limited emotional vocabulary compared to age group.

Difficulty identifying and verbalizing both positive and negative emotions.

Predominantly concrete and task-oriented thinking.

Possible tendency to somatize emotional states (reference to physical symptoms as the only indicator of emotion).

Diagnostic hypothesis: Developmental alexithymia (primary form to monitor).

6. Recommendations

Start emotional education program (guided symbolic play, use of emotion cards).

Quarterly monitoring of emotional language.

Family involvement in activities encouraging verbalization of feelings.

Psychological follow-up evaluation within 12 months.

Family interactions with active clinical observation

Description and setting of observed interactions:
Living room, evening.
On the carpet, two sisters face each other. Between them, a deck of playing cards.
On the sofa, the father watches silently with a stern look.

Riri is sitting cross-legged, back straight.
Kira, two years older, sports a challenging smile.

“If I win, I get your sticker collection. Deal?” asks Kira boldly.

“Yes,” Riri barely whispers.

“And if you lose, will you cry?” Kira worries.

“I don’t think so.”

Kira looks at Arkadi; the father raises an eyebrow but does not intervene. Riri never looks at him, focused on the cards.

Kira laughs when she draws a good card. Riri stays still, only her fingers move.
Occasionally her foot stiffens, but her face remains neutral.

“You’re boring. You don’t even have fun?” Kira complains.

“I’m playing,” Riri replies briefly.

Riri slowly lays down winning cards. No smile, no celebration.

Clinical observation

1. Observable behavior

Minimal emotional expression: even in a family and competitive context, she does not show joy or frustration.

Concise and neutral responses: prefers simple terms (“Yes,” “I don’t think so,” “It doesn’t matter”) with no reference to internal states.

Task orientation: fully focused on the game, ignoring emotional provocations.

2. Signs of alexithymia at age 10

Difficulty recognizing emotions: when asked if she will cry or if she is having fun, she answers without emotional reflection.

Lack of affective verbalization: no comment on how she feels about winning or losing.

Body control: only minimal physical tension signals (stiff foot), quickly suppressed.

3. Family context and possible origins

The father’s silent and observant presence may suggest an environment where emotional expression is discouraged or seen as weakness.

The rivalry with the stepsister seems played more on performance than on emotional relationship.

4. Impact on development

Long-term, such a controlled model lacking emotional training risks rooting detachment as the dominant mode.

She may grow up without learning to distinguish between winning “because it’s right” and winning “because it feels good.”

Clinical Profile

Name: Riri Timurov
Age: 13 years
Family context: Fragmented family, controlling father, absent mother, stepmother with null or dismissive contact, stepsister with gentle and supportive relations alternating with formal and rivalry-charged moments.

1.) Reason for evaluation

Riri was referred to school counseling after mild self-injurious behavior episodes and reports of relational difficulties: emotional detachment, limited communication, misunderstandings with peers and teachers.

2.) Personal history

Childhood: Raised in a competitive and structured environment. Academic and strategic successes were valued more than emotional expression.

Family relationships: Relationship with stepsister based on affection structured on the sister’s existence, alternating with rivalry dynamics and hierarchical roles.

Sociality: No real friends, no human relationships outside the family; tends to associate with people for specific goals rather than emotional sharing.

3.) Observed behavior

Facial expression: Mostly neutral, minimal variation even in emotionally intense situations.

Insistence on wearing a mask (likely family conditioning).

Emotional language: scarce use of terms to describe feelings; preference for concrete data or strategies.

Perceived empathy: Others describe her as cold or distant, although she shows practical attention (helps but without verbal encouragement).

Stress management: Reacts rigidly; tends to perform physical or strategic actions instead of talking about her distress. Episodes of breakdowns and panic/anxiety attacks.

4.) Alexithymic profile

Difficulty identifying emotions: Does not clearly distinguish anger, sadness, or anxiety; perceives only “tension” or “agitation.”

Difficulty describing emotions: Limited emotional vocabulary; preference for physical (“My heart beats fast”) or situational descriptions (“There’s pressure”).

Externally oriented thinking: Focused on goals and strategies, avoiding introspection.

Somatization: Tends to manifest stress with physical disorders.

5.) Functional impact

Interpersonal relationships: Frequent misunderstandings; others interpret her detachment as disinterest.

Academic performance: High, but risk of burnout due to lack of attention to own emotional needs.

Self-management: Strong rational control; absence of healthy emotional outlets.

6.) Clinical hypothesis

Moderate/high degree alexithymia.

7.) Recommended interventions

1. Emotion-focused psychotherapy to:
Expand emotional vocabulary.
Learn to recognize bodily signals related to emotional states.

2. Awareness exercises to increase contact with self.

3. Emotional diary using lists of emotions to check daily.

4. Safe and gradual relationships with figures offering time and patience.

8.) Prognosis

Good if placed in a context that values affective communication and offers clear emotional models.
Without intervention, risk of emotional isolation and superficial relationships, with possible worsening in highly competitive contexts.

Mary remains silent for a few moments, her face marked by a new tension. The papers tremble slightly in her hands as she reads and rereads the reports, trying to absorb every word. Tears, unrestrained, begin to flow slowly, while the reality she knew, now explained in clinical terms, hits her more deeply than she expected.

“I didn’t know… I really didn’t know how complicated it was,” she murmurs, her voice breaking with emotion. “I thought she was just shy, or… difficult. But this… this alexithymia, I had no idea it could make everything so hard for her.”

Kira, sitting next to Mary, watches the scene with an intense, almost protective look. “She’s always been like this,” she says softly. “For me, it’s like living with a sister who doesn’t speak the same emotional language.”

Mary looks at her, seeking comfort in her words. “How do you manage her?”

Kira sighs, shaking her head. “I try to be there, even if it’s not easy. But I don’t want to leave her alone.”

Mary nods, clutching the documents. “I promise I’ll do my best, Kira. For her. For us.”

Kira smiles, a fragile but sincere smile. “Thank you, Mary. She needs people who won’t give up.”

The two women exchange a glance full of hope, while in the background, the figure of Riri seems to become less distant, more accessible, even though the path will be long.