Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Young Integra creeps through the underground hallways of the Hellsing manor after hearing strange sounds — clinking metal, echoes of gunfire, murmurs of... laughter?

She grips a flashlight in one hand and a sidearm in the other, because she’s 13 and has trust issues. She peeks into the training hall and sees—

Alucard.
Wearing a long duster coat. And a wide-brimmed cowboy hat.
Dual-wielding the Jackal and Casull.

And he’s talking. In a full-on Wild West accent.

Alucard: "You done crossed the wrong border, partner. Ain’t no silver bullet gonna save ya now."

He fans the hammer of the Casull — even though it doesn’t have one.
Then BAM — fires three shots into the chest of a dummy rigged with blood packs. Red mist explodes everywhere.

Integra steps in, deadpan.

Integra: “...Alucard. What. Are you. Doing."

Alucard (without turning): “Immersive combat rehearsal."

Integra: “You’re... roleplaying. With sandbags.”

Alucard: “Practice makes perfect, my master.”

She crosses her arms. He holsters the Jackal with a smug smirk.

Alucard: “Besides, I absorbed a Texan last week. Would you believe me if I said the accent is a side effect?”

Integra: “Would you believe me if I said you’re grounded?”

She turns to leave.
He raises the Jackal and perfectly shoots the hat off his own head, spinning it into his hand.

Alucard: “Bang.”

He kisses the brim dramatically. She doesn't even look back.

Chapter Text

Hellsing Manor. War Room. 3:04 AM.


Seras enters the room and finds Alucard hunched over a glowing PC. Coat off, cravat loosened, hair half-writhing.

Seras: “Oh no. What are you playing?”

Alucard (deep growl): “...League.”

Seras: “Why would you do that to yourself?!”

Alucard: “Because I enjoy pain.”

💬 In-game chat

Teammate: bro stop feeding and go bot!

NoLifeKing666 (Alucard): I am eternal darkness made flesh, you cretin. I do not "go bot".

Teammate: u just 1v5’d under turret man

NoLifeKing666: And I died magnificently.

🔒 Favorite picks

Top Darius: for the blood, of course.
Vladimir, obviously. He just calls him "me".
Sometimes Thresh, just to “drag souls into my hell” and pretend he’s in a BDSM poetry slam.

But the moment someone locks his champion before him?

Alucard (muttering): “I will find your IP. I will visit your dreams. And I will show you the face of god as he turns away.”

Walter (from the hallway): “Sir, please stop threatening minors in North America.”


🚫 Bans

Teemo, because “that rodent mocks the sanctity of death. And I stepped on another mushroom.” 
Tryndamere: “Immortality without elegance. A disgrace to death itself."
Yasuo is a permaban. "I hate myself, but not that much."

🗣️ Vampire-raging moments

Gets ganked twice and whispers:
“Their jungler is efficient. I respect that. I shall consume him last.”

Gets instantly deleted by enemy Master Yi:
“He’s not even aiming! He’s NOT EVEN AIMING! AND WHY IS HE HEALING?! WHO AUTHORIZED THIS REGENERATION?"

The enemy types “gg ez”:
Presses Alt+F4 mid-death screen, disconnects headset, stands up, transforms into a swarm of screeching bats, and breaks out through the window. Comes back five minutes later.

🩸 BONUS

Seras shows up mid-rampage with popcorn:

Seras: “Master, did you uninstall the game again?”

Alucard (reloading angrily): “I uninstalled my respect for Riot Games.”

Seras: “You’ll reinstall it tomorrow, won't you?”

Alucard: “…Yes.”

Chapter Text

Integra’s office. The morning after.


Integra is seated behind her desk, dead-eyed, holding a printed report from Riot Games titled:

“Player Conduct Violation – Account: NoLifeKing666”

Integra (flat): “You told someone you’d 'defile their great-great-grandchildren’s dreams in spectral purgatory.''"

Alucard (shrugs): “They picked Vel'Koz ADC.”

Integra: “And then you hacked the matchmaking system to force them into ARAM for a week?”

Alucard: “It was merciful. Like sending a dog to a farm.”

⚖️ The punishment

Community service in the form of moderation.
He’s now forced to read every toxic match chat and hand out bans — without lashing out.

Alucard (scrolling): “You flamed your support for missing one hook? Fool. Weakling. You deserve no buffs, no items, no sunlight—”

Seras (passing by): “Master, I think you’re supposed to be de-escalating.”

Alucard: “...I told them to touch grass. In a graveyard.”

☠️ Bonus

NoLifeKing666 becomes the most feared banhammer on the forums.

Players whisper of the mod who replies in Latin.

Every permaban comes with a red wax seal and a message:

Your soul has been weighed and found wanting.
Welcome to silence.

Chapter Text

Hellsing Manor. War Room. 2:51 AM.


Seras Victoria walks by, bleary-eyed, craving blood. She freezes on the hallway.

The room is pitch dark except for the hellish flicker of a massive monitor.
On the screen: Call of Duty: Zombies – Wave 107.

Behind the desk chair, a long red coat flows like a puddle of spilled wine.
She creeps closer.

Seras: “Master... what are you doing this time?”

The chair slowly swivels. His sunglasses reflect nothing but glory and bloodshed.

Alucard (completely deadpan): “These Americans have created an impressive combat simulator. I’m adapting to modern warfare.”

He doesn’t blink.
He’s holding a controller (backwards) and still headshotting enemies.

Seras: “...Are you cheating?”

Alucard: “I am the cheat code.”

The screen flashes:

“You have been reported for suspicious activity.”

He smirks.

Alucard: “Let them come. I’ve killed more than bans.”

He casually reloads while 700 zombies storm the hallway. Then drops a frag grenade on the floor without looking, killing them all.

Alucard: “That's right. Boom.”

Seras squints at the kill count. It’s in scientific notation.

🩸 Bonus

Integra enters. In a robe, holding a mug. Looking halfway between sleep and homicide.

Integra: “You’ve been playing this mindfuck for five nights straight."

Alucard (not turning): “It’s immersive. Realistic. Surprisingly violent. I feel at home."

Integra: “You glitched into the Pentagon and started monologuing to JFK’s ghost."

Alucard: “He listens better than the Round Table.”

Integra takes a sip. Stares at him.

Integra (muttering): “I really should’ve left you in the basement.”

Chapter Text

Hellsing Manor. Briefing Room. 2:15 AM.


Seras Victoria sits forward, knuckles white around the controller.
She's on her fourth blood bag. Her left eye twitches.

Across from her, sprawled on a velvet armchair like a Victorian lounge lizard with a killstreak, sits Alucard.
He’s not even holding the controller anymore — it’s floating as he’s sipping wine.


On the screen: Modern Warfare: Domination Mode. Final Round. Seras: 198 / Alucard: 199.


Seras: “You’re using ESP. That’s cheating.”

Alucard: “It’s not ESP. It’s pattern recognition. And bloodlust. And... innate superiority.”

Seras: “You camped the respawn point for seven whole minutes.”

Alucard: “I call it strategic psychological warfare.”


🎧 SFX: Final Countdown blares from the speakers. One point left.


Seras takes a breath. She charges the objective.
On screen, her character throws a perfect C4 pack onto a capture zone swarming with bots.
She detonates it with a scream:

Seras: “SOD OFF AND DIEEEE—”

Massive explosion. Five kills.


VICTORY: 200 / 199


Silence.

She drops the controller. Panting. Shaking.

Alucard raises one dark brow.

Alucard: “You learned.”

She grins, bloodied and triumphant.

Seras: “That’s what happens when you camp me one too many times, you smug bastard.”

He tilts his head. Then — slowly — smiles.

Alucard: “Shall we make it... best of seven?”

🩸 Bonus

Seras kicks a hole in the wall.

Walter passive-aggressively wheels in a fresh monitor.

Integra bans both from using company internet after 4 PM.

Chapter Text

Hellsing Manor. Alucard’s Streaming Lair (he renamed the library).


Seras is adjusting a webcam with a suspicious amount of duct tape.

Seras: “Okay! All set. Don’t forget to greet your viewers! Try to be chill, yeah?”

Alucard (deadpan): “I do not ‘chill,’ police girl. I descend.”

The stream goes live.
Chat explodes instantly.

🟣 [HellsingLIVE]
🟥 Just Chatting – Gothic Vamp Daddy Q&A + Gameplay
🕷️ Viewer count: 4,903
🩸 Follower count: 13k (auto-refreshing every second)

🧛‍♂️ Stream highlights

Alucard (leaning into the mic, fangs bared): “Welcome, mortals. Tonight, we hunt. But first—”

He casually slams the Casull into the desk.

Chat loses it.

💬 bro wtf is this channel
💬 is this a cosplay or are we actually summoning something rn
💬 DADDY???????
💬 he called me a "mewling mortal" and i think i’m in love

🎤 Q&A section

💬 Are you single?
Alucard: I am married to destruction. But I cheat.

💬 Feet reveal?
Alucard: burns that viewer’s username into ash on screen

💬 Can you say something in Romanian?
Alucard (low and slow): Îți voi bea sufletul și te voi face să mulțumești.
                                    (I will drink your soul and make you say thank you.)

Chat explodes. Follower count hits 100k.

📉 Integra walks in

Cigar in hand. Sees the chaos.

Integra: “...What the hell is going on?”

Alucard: “I’m trending.”

Integra (sighs): “Of course you are. You’ve summoned three eldritch entities through the wi-fi.”

💬 “WHO’S THE LADY WITH THE CIGAR OMG??? MOMMY???”

Integra (flat): “Turn it off. Now.”

Stream ends abruptly.

Fan edits drop within an hour. A subreddit is born. A cult forms.

Chapter Text

Hellsing Manor. Conference Room. 9:00 AM sharp.


Integra slams a tablet down on the table.

🧛🏻 ALUCARD™ PLUSH – “Cuddle the Undead King”
Fangs light up when you squeeze it
Quotes like “Call me Master” and “Bang”
4.9 stars. 18k reviews.

Alucard lounges nearby, sipping from a blood-stained espresso cup. Zero shame.

Integra (voice sharp as steel): “Would you care to explain this... abomination?”

Alucard (glancing at the screen): “Ah. The squishable version of me. Surprisingly accurate. Especially the fangs.”

Integra: “It giggles when you stab it.”

Alucard (grinning): “Yeah, some people are into that.”

🧸 Integra keeps scrolling

- ALUCARD™ BODY PILLOW - Comes in “Classic Gothic” and “Unhinged” variants
- "Blood is the New Black" Hoodies
- Signed print of Alucard's chat threat to a League player in gothic calligraphy (choose your threat)

Integra: “You’ve monetized your threats.”

Alucard: “Branded my threats. There’s a difference. Walter’s handling fulfillment.”

Integra (betrayed): “...Walter?!”

Walter: in the hallway, wheeling a cart full of plushies. Whistling.

😴 ASMR

Integra scrolls to the last item:

💀 Alucard™ ASMR – "Vampire Daddy Whispers You to Sleep"
Includes phrases like: "Sleep, my darling slaughterhouse" and "Let me hold your soul just a little tighter"

Integra: “You recorded ASMR.”

Alucard: “It’s soothing.”

Integra: “IT ENDS WITH A GUNSHOT.”

🩸 Bonus

Integra: “I’m revoking your wi-fi privileges permanently. No Twitch. No merch.”

Alucard (sighing): “You really don’t want to see the TikTok filters they made.”

Chapter Text

Integra is reading chat logs at 3AM like they were field reports.


Integra (monotone): “One user called me 'mommy dommy', and another one said they developed a smoking fetish.”

Seras: “...Was it meant as a compliment?”

Integra (lighting a new cigar with shaky hands): “They added me to a thirst tier list. Above Lady Dimitrescu.”

Seras: “Well, Sir, to be fair, I think you give more of a dom tamer energ—”

Integra: “Do not finish that sentence, police girl.”

Meanwhile, Walter, serene as ever, is packaging plushies in the dining hall.


He threads one red silk ribbon around another Cuddle the Undead King™, gently tucks it into a black velvet box, and seals it with wax.

He flips over a shipping label:

To: Lilith69, California, USA
Special request: Please write "Bite me, daddy" in silver pen on the box.

Walter pauses. Sighs. Does it with immaculate cursive.

Walter (to himself): “I’ve assassinated prime ministers. Now I’m autographing vampire thirst merch."

"...This is why the French revolted.”

🩸 Bonus

Back in Integra's office:

Integra: “He just released a Vampire Hot Sauce collab. The tagline is 'So good it’ll make you beg'.”

Seras: “...Actually I bought that. It’s delicious.”

Integra (blank): “I'm surrounded by traitors.”

Chapter Text

Vatican Special Section XIII – Iscariot HQ


The room is dark. The TV glows.

On screen: Alucard in his trademark red coat and sunglasses, purring into a mic.

Alucard (on Twitch, just chatting): “Mmm. Confess, little lamb. You sinned twice before breakfast, didn’t you?”

💬 BITE ME DADDY 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
💬 his voice is highkey doing things to me
💬 he made me believe in evil again 😩✝️

Alexander Anderson lunges forward and rips the cord out of the TV like it’s possessed.

Anderson (fuming): “THAT DEMON. THAT... THAT INFLUENCER OF FILTH!”

Priest #1 (sheepishly): “...Father, um. We found Sister Letitia in the chapel crying over an Alucard body pillow.”

Priest #2: “It was the Unhinged edition.”

Anderson (visibly vibrating): “Excommunicate the entire internet.”

📦 A package arrives at Iscariot HQ

Sealed with red wax and a tiny bat logo.
Anderson opens it with a bayonet.

Inside:

• One Blood is the New Black hoodie (100% cotton, unholy softness)

• One special, limited Saint Sebastian edition Alucard plushie, pierced with tiny arrows

• A handwritten note: “Thought of you 🖤 — A.”

He screams in Latin.

🩸 Bonus

Enrico Maxwell, from the Vatican’s upper echelons, secretly orders a plushie.

Keeps it in a drawer.
Prays to it at night.
Would rather burn himself alive than talk about it.

Chapter Text

Event: BloodCon UK – The Official Hellsing Fandom Convention
Location: London Exhibition Hall
Special Panel: “The Dynamic Between Integra & Alucard: Will They or Not?”


Father Anderson enters in disguise.
And by “disguise,” I mean... he ripped the cross off his cassock and added a trench coat.
Still carrying bayonets. Still glowing with righteous wrath.

Anderson (to himself): “These fools worship the Antichrist... I’ll salt the earth with their merch and set fire to their unholy plush bins.”

He makes it five feet inside before he’s handed:

🪪 A VIP lanyard
🎖️ A “Thirst Squad” badge
🍷 A free drink coupon from the Bang Bar™

Volunteer: “You’re cosplaying Anderson, right? You look amazing. Come join the panel queue!”

Anderson (blinking): “...Panel?”

🎤 12 minutes later

Anderson is seated onstage.

A crowd of 300 swooning fans, many in red and black, wig-wearing, cigar-chewing, or holding “ALUTEGRA SUPREMACY” signs, cheer wildly.

Moderator: “Next question! You there — Father Cosplayer!"
"What do you think is the biggest obstacle to Alucard and Integra finally sleeping together?”

Anderson’s soul momentarily leaves his body.

Anderson (twitching): “They— They— That monster should not bed anyone, least of all the Protestant witch!”

Fan in front row: “So... sexual tension, then?”

Moderator (nodding): “Classic enemies-to-lovers arc. And, as for Anderson, the bayonets are clearly a metaphor.”

Anderson (sputtering): “They are literal weapons of God!”

Audience: “KINKYYYYY!!!”

📸 Chaos ensues

Someone hands him a body pillow.
Someone else draws fanart of him blushing.

Walter, in the back, is filming the whole thing for content.

Alucard livestreams it with commentary.

Alucard (purring): “Look at him. Flushed. Furious. Conflicted. Delicious.”

Chat:

💬 GIVE HIM A SHIP NAME RN
💬 ANDERGRARD. PASS IT ON.

Chapter Text

Location: Main Hall, Sunday 4PM.
Seating sold out. Overflow watching via live stream in the parking lot.

Alucard enters first.
Red coat sweeping, sunglasses smug, absolutely thriving.
He lounges in the velvet chair like it’s his throne.

Alucard (to crowd): “I see all my little sinners showed up.”

💬 DADDY 😭
💬 DO THE LAUGH DO THE LAUGH
💬 pls sit on me like that chair

Integra enters second.
Storms in like a warhead in heels. Full tailored suit.
She does not smile. Does not sit close to him.
She does light a cigar, blow smoke in his face, and glare with enough force to rupture timelines.

Integra (deadpan): “If anyone calls me mommy I'm leaving.”

💬 YES MOTHER
💬 she's so ready to unleash hellspawn 🔥
💬 she lit the cigar and all my blood rushed down 🛐🛐🛐

🎤 Questions begin

Moderator (barely holding it together): “So! When did you two first realize there was... tension?”

Integra: “There is no tension.”

Alucard (grinning): “She had a gun to my face the day we met.
I thought: Finally. A woman who won't bore me.”

Integra: “I thought: I should put this creep down.”

💬 OTP ENERGY 😩
💬 THE BLUEPRINT
💬 they hate each other so bad it's like they’re already married

🙋🏻‍♀️ Fan question

Nervous voice from the crowd: “U-um… what’s your favorite thing about each other?”

Integra (flat): “He obeys when it counts.”

Alucard (grinning wider): “The way she orders me to do bad things.”

Moderator: “...Okay, so we’re feral today.”

💬 GET A ROOM (and stream it)
💬 WHY IS THIS SO SEXUAL
💬 BRO I CAN’T BREATHE THEY’RE INSANE

🔥 Rapid-fire round

Moderator: “Who’s the little spoon?”

Alucard: “Me.”

Integra: “There's no—”


Moderator: “Who would win in a fight?”

Both: “Me.”


Moderator: “Pet names?”

Integra: “I'd have his tongue cut from his head before he even opened his mouth.”

Alucard: “She calls me a dog with such affection. I can feel it.”

💬 SOMEONE SEDATE ME
💬 I WANT WHAT THEY HAVE
💬 this is enemies-to-lovers-to-enemies again and i’m LIVING

💋 Final question from the audience

Fan #2: “Have you ever kissed?”

Integra (cold as death): “No.”

Alucard (voice low and deep): “Only in my dreams.”

Someone in the crowd faints.
Someone launches a plush bat into the air like a confetti cannon.
Security can’t contain the screaming.

✨ Post-Panel

Integra storms offstage.
Lights a second cigar with the flame from the first cigar.

Alucard follows, smug as hell.

Integra (snapping): “Do not speak to me. Do not look at me.”

Alucard (whispering behind her): “You liked it.”

She slams the dressing room door so hard the hinges cry.

🩸 Bonus

Fan #3: “Have either of you read the fanfic where Anderson walks in on you two—”

Integra: “NEXT QUESTION.”

Anderson (screaming from the back): “I PRAYED FOR YOU ALL!”

Chapter Text

📝 Sample titles inside

▪️Her Glove, His Collar
▪️Obey Me, Master
▪️Jackal Between Her Thighs
▪️The Impaler
▪️Cigars and Sin: A Confessional
▪️Forgive Me, Father – Bonus chapter featuring Anderson

Writing is uncannily close to their real personalities.
Like disturbingly close.

Alucard discovers it.
He reads it in full.
Twice.

Alucard (closing the file): "Whoever wrote this… knows us. Knows her. Has probably licked the inside of her teacup."

He starts annotating it.
In pen. Like a teacher.

Comments in the margins:

❌ She wouldn’t beg. She commands.
❌ She would never let me use her desk.
❌ Inaccurate anatomy — my hands are larger.
✔️ She did say this once. June 12th, 3:43 AM.

When Integra finds out, she’s livid.

Integra: "You read fanfiction of us???"

Alucard (mischievous): "I reviewed it. For academic purposes."

Integra: "You DREW STICK FIGURES!"

Alucard: "It was for clarity. Page 47 lacked realism."

👕 Meanwhile: Seras has launched an entire merch line of her own

T-shirts that say:

▫️Obey me, Master ❤️
▫️Cigars & Chains & Daddy Issues
▫️Jackal & Casull & Mommy Issues
▫️She owns him. Literally.

Tote bags that say:

▫️I survived BloodCon UK and all I got was this unholy tension
▫️Carrying sins heavier than this bag

Mugs that say:

▫️I dare you to call me Mommy again.
▫️Good morning, Master (on one side) / On your knees, Servant (on the other)
▫️Chainsmoker / Smoking kink (mug set of 2 with 25% off!)

She sends Alucard a hoodie that says:

🦇 Sir Integra’s Emotional Support Monster™

He wears it proudly.
In public.

She also sends Integra a t-shirt that says:

🥀 Alucard's Only Weakness: Me.

Integra incinerates it with a cigar.
Orders one more in secret.

🩸 Bonus

Anderson finds out about the fanfiction.
He opens the zine.
Reads page 13.
And goes full holy meltdown.

Anderson: “THIS IS HERESY.”
(reads more) “THIS IS… well-written heresy.”
(and reads more) “...sweet merciful Lamb of God she told him to kneel.”

Chapter Text

Vatican. A dim study room. Late at night.

Anderson sits alone, candlelit, fuming.
He’s just received a mysterious black envelope.
No return address.
Just a single word: “Enjoy.”

Inside, a printed copy of HELLSBOUND: Forbidden Orders.

Anderson (reading aloud, horrified): "'She grabbed him by the tie, shoved him against the altar, and said—'"
(gasps) “JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH.”

He flips pages faster.

“'The rosary still hung from her hand as she—’”
(chokes) “BLASPHEMY. PROFANITY. EXCELLENT DIALOGUE.”

He slams the fanfic down. Stands.
Cross in one hand. Fanfic in the other.

Anderson: “They’ve made a mockery of the cloth… and of me... that demonic... filthy pair of sinners!”
(pauses) “...why is chapter 8 bookmarked.”

He paces.
Opens the fanfic again.

“...No. How on earth does anyone come up with ‘consecrated corruption kink'?  That’s— oh, yes — I mean, NO—”
(rips a page out in holy fury) “Wait. Wait. That was a good line— DAMMIT.”

🗂️ Back at the Hellsing Manor

Alucard: “He forwarded me a copy with grammar corrections and a note saying the holy water in Chapter 4 is clearly insufficient.”

Seras: “He bought a t-shirt from me. Said it was for burning. But he ordered a size that fits.”

Integra, as cool as ever, is filing Anderson’s cease & desist letter in the Fan Mail folder.

🛐 Forgive me, for I have subscribed

Anderson finds out there's an AO3 account writing weekly updates about his inner conflict and growing… attraction to said filthy pair of sinners.

The summary:

Father Anderson battles his faith, his bayonets, and a rapidly destabilizing sense of self as he becomes dangerously drawn to both Integra Hellsing’s unholy dominance and Alucard’s irresistible chaos. What begins as righteous fury devolves into full-blown obsession, pushing the boundaries of sin, obedience, and entirely inappropriate… urges.

He does what any rational priest would do: he scrolls for more.

After reading all five chapters available, he rage-prays.
For 7 hours.

He leaves a comment: “WRONG. THE ROSARY WOULD NEVER BE USED THAT WAY.”
And subscribes for updates.

Chapter Text

📖 7:30 PM — Dramatic Reading: His Shadows Were Inside Me (Literally)

Hosted by: Alucard, reading his own AO3 work.
Rated: E for Eternally Horny.

Alucard (deep, sultry tone): “'Her eyes narrowed like gun barrels… and I wanted to be shot. Again and again. Bullets of judgment. I thanked her for each wound.'”

Crowd screams.

Cut to:
Seras backstage, nosebleeding.

🔥 8:30 PM — Dramatic Reading #2: Chamber of Command

A D/s slow burn between Sir Hellsing and her monster.

Alucard gets halfway through a scene involving cuffs, a wooden stake, and Integra’s leather gloves, when—

Integra (snatching the mic): “This is libelous filth!”

Alucard: “You didn’t deny it.”

Crowd: 🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️ SHE DIDN’T DENYYYYY ITTTTTT!!!

🤦🏻‍♀️ During his readings

Each time he says something like “—and then she ordered me to kneel—”
Integra facepalms so hard she bruises.

Walter is backstage placing bets with Seras on when she’ll throw her cigar.

Seras: “Page seven.”

Walter: “Page six. She always snaps before the strap-on is mentioned.”

🎬 09:30 — Live dramatization (by fan vote!)

Top voted fic: Gunplay & Grave Talk
Tags: enemies to lovers, oral fixation, unholy communion.

Alucard takes out a prop Jackal. Smirks.

Alucard (to the crowd): “Shall I demonstrate where she put it?”

Seras (screaming from offstage): “YOU PROMISED TO BEHAVE!”

🩸 Fan reactions

Integra is on 3 hit lists.

Seras sells out of “Daddy is canon” hoodies in 6 minutes.

Anderson spontaneously combusts.

Chapter Text

Subtitle: “I didn’t sign up for this — but I had the knives ready anyway”

Opening line: “This is not a memoir. It’s a cry for help.”

📖 Table of contents

Chapter headings include:

☕ “The Girlboss and The Gunpowder Gremlin”
An exploration of the early Hellsing years, when dignity still had a pulse.

☕ “The Girl Who Could Shoot Straight Before Breakfast and the Day I Realized I Was Old”
Watching young Integra sharpen skills while my back aches in new and alarming places.

☕ “Yes, He Really Came Out of the Walls Like That”
A dramatic retelling of Alucard’s favorite entrance: through structural damage.

☕ “How to Make Tea While Everything Explodes Around You”
Step-by-step guide for surviving morning rituals in the presence of chaos.

☕ “The Eternal Dance: Master, Monster, and Me (Mostly Sobbing)”
The long, torturous arc of watching my charges flirt with apocalypse — and each other.

📖 First public interview

Walter is dressed in a perfectly pressed butler uniform, seated in a Victorian armchair beside a steaming silver tea set.

Host: “Did you ever think of quitting?”
Walter: “Every. Single. Tuesday.”

Host: What's on Tuesdays?
Walter: Weekly Round Table meeting. The knights test the limits of Integra’s sanity, and she tests mine.”

Host: “Are the rumors true that you once walked in on Integra and Alucard—”
Walter (flatly): “I briefly questioned whether the laws of physics still appl— NEXT QUESTION.”

Host: “How do you stay calm in the face of all this madness?”
Walter: “At this point, I run entirely on earl grey and the knowledge that I can garrote any one of them in 0.8 seconds.”

Host: “Any advice for aspiring butlers in similar… situations?”
Walter: “Always carry a stake, a special blend, and a heavy sense of permanent existential regret.”

🩸 Bonus

Closing quote (also engraved on limited edition mugs):

“Dignity is dead, decency is bound, and my tea is cold. I’m going to hell, but at least I’ll be well-dressed.”

Chapter Text

💬 Group chat: “Hellsing HQ”

Alucard renamed the group: BLOOD BROS (and Integra 😒)

Seras changed her name to: Please Let Me Leave

Anderson added himself


Integra: Why are there 134 messages about TikToks?

Alucard: Because my thirst trap went viral 🔥 3M views. 

Seras: Who TF filmed you in the shower with a bayonet

Alucard: Art finds a way 

Walter: I’m not deleting another OnlyFans leak, handle your own PR disaster.

Alucard: That leak was intentional ✨

Integra: I’ve made a grave tactical error keeping you alive.

📦 Seras does online shopping

She bought:

✅ Garlic-scented candles
✅ A cross that doubles as a flask
✅ Vampire teeth whitening strips
✅ 3kg protein powder called Suck Gains

The review she left on the last one:

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Didn’t give me abs, but I feel emotionally swole.
Also the scoop was shaped like a stake. 10/10.

🗣️ Alucard tries therapy

Therapist: “How old are you?”

Alucard: “Do you want the Julian calendar or the Gregorian one?”

Therapist: “Do you experience intrusive thoughts?”

Alucard: “Constantly, and I do act on them.”

Therapist (writing furiously): “Oh dear God—”

☕ Integra goes to a hipster cafe

Barista: “And what name should I put on the cup?”

Integra: “Sir Hellsing.”

Barista: “Okay...”

Cup says: Siri Hellscorn :)

She hasn't been this mad since that UN summit.

🍄 Hellsing plays Mario Kart

Alucard:
▪️Picks Waluigi.
▪️Laughs like a maniac every time someone falls off Rainbow Road.
▪️Plays on inverted controls “for the challenge”.

Integra:
▪️Picks Bowser.
▪️Drives flawlessly.
▪️Throws the controller when hit by a blue shell.

Seras:
▪️Picks Toadette.
▪️Doesn’t know how she’s winning.
▪️Feels bad when she does.

Anderson:
▪️Picks Yoshi.
▪️Screams scripture every time he uses a banana peel.
▪️“THOU SHALT NOT SLIP INTO SIN!!”

Chapter Text

A modest office. Neutral tones. Soft music.
A plaque on the desk reads:

Dr. Penelope Graves, Trauma Specialist & Conflict Mediator
"No Clients Too Damned"

There’s one couch. Alucard is already in it. Sprawled. Smiling like it’s his therapy show.

Integra sits in a chair, arms crossed. Scowling. Smokes through the entire session.

Seras is perched at the arm of the chair. Visibly distressed.

Anderson refused a chair. Is standing. Pacing. Glowing with holy fury.

Walter is calmly sipping tea in the corner like he’s watching a special-themed episode of Downton Abbey.

🧠 Session starts

Dr. Graves: “So, why don’t we go around and share how we’re feeling today?”

Alucard: “Hungry. Horny. Invincible. The usual.”

Integra (lighting another cigar): “I feel like shooting someone.”

Anderson (crossing himself aggressively): “I feel the presence of SATAN in this very room—”

Dr. Graves (writing furiously): “Mhm. Ok. Good insight. Seras?”

Seras (nervous laugh): “I… made banana bread?”

Alucard (sultry): “You did. It was moist.”

Dr. Graves: “Alright, let’s unpack that. Why did you say moist like that?”

🔥 Trust exercise

Dr. Graves: “Trustworthy relationships in the workplace are very important. Let’s try falling back to build confidence in your partner by letting them catch you.”

Alucard lets himself fall on Anderson, full deadweight.

Anderson (screaming): “GET THEE OFF ME, BEAST OF LUST AND FILTH—”

Alucard: “You could’ve just said no ❤️”

❤️‍🩹 "I Feel" statements

Dr. Graves: “Let's try using statements that start with ‘I feel’ instead of insults.”

Integra: “I feel like Alucard is a smug, arrogant, disobedient piece of—”

Dr. Graves: “Let’s rephrase that.”

Integra: “I feel... irritated by his endless smug, arrogant disobedience and his fuc—”

Alucard (grinning): “I feel turned on.”

🎭 Role reversal

Dr. Graves: “Putting ourselves in someone else's shoes fosters empathy. Let's pretend to be each other to practice that.”

Alucard (as Integra): “I’m a woman of duty and repressed longing. My eyebrows have killed men.”

Integra (as Alucard): “Ohhh look at me I’m so edgy and immortal, I turn into bats and flirt with death.”

Seras (as Anderson): “REPENT. BLEED. JESUS, AM I RIGHT?”

Anderson (as Seras): “Hey I’m a little vampire baby — oh wait, I just impaled a man with a flagpole, I'm so sorry.”

Seras: “…okay, that one was accurate.”

🕊️ Therapy breakthrough

Dr. Graves: “Alucard, what do you really want?”

Alucard (genuine for once): “To be seen. Completely. Even the monstrous parts. Especially the monstrous parts.”

Heavy silence.

Integra (quietly): “…I see you.”

Anderson (storms out the room, nosebleeding): “BLOODY HELL.”

⌛ Session ends

Alucard steals the therapist’s pen.

Integra writes a thank-you note dripping in sarcasm.

Seras leaves banana bread for Dr. Graves.

Anderson has been in the bathroom for a concerningly long time.

Walter tips the therapist and whispers, “We’ll see you next week.”

Dr. Graves calls her own therapist for an emergency appointment.

Chapter Text

Integra, 13 years old, school blazer buttoned, glasses too big, already intimidating.
Trying to finish her history essay.

Alucard, 600 years old, eye-witness to aforementioned history.
He is helping. Allegedly.

Integra (gritting teeth): “It’s a 1000-word essay on the Victorian era. Not a bloodbath.”

Alucard (smirking): “But it was a bloodbath.”

He hands her an essay he wrote titled:

Jack the Ripper: A Personal Acquaintance

It’s 12 pages long. Written in blood.
On human skin parchment.

There's a wine stain on the border and a sketch of a guillotine for flair.

Integra: "You're supposed to cite sources, not summon them.”

Alucard: "Oh. But I could raise Queen Victoria to guest-speak, if you’d like.”

Walter (passing by): "Miss Integra, may I suggest not letting the vampire do your homework?”

He looks at the parchment. Sighs.

“Not again.”

🎓 Parent-Teacher meeting

Teacher: “Sir Hellsing, we’re so glad you could—”

He sees Alucard looming behind Integra in a red coat, sunglasses, and moving shadows.

“...attend.”

Integra (stoic): “He’s my legal guardian.”

Teacher: “Ah. That explains the demonic sigil graffiti in the girls’ bathroom.”

Alucard (grinning): “She’s gifted.”

Principal: “We’re concerned about her essay on The Morality of Holy War."

It included 16 battle diagrams and ended with: ‘Our enemies will know discipline'.

Integra (confused): "It got an A+.”

Principal: “Yes, we’re terrified.”

🩷 That human reproduction class

Integra storms into her study and drops her bag like it had personally insulted her.

Integra: "I hate school. They made us watch a film about… reproduction."

Alucard appears behind her chair like a very amused ghost.

Alucard: "Ah, yes. The birds and the bees. And what did we learn, little Master?"

Integra: "They said the duty of a woman is to submit to her husband, and that pleasure is not our concern."

Alucard: "Nonsense. Would you like me to submit a formal complaint on your behalf?"
(pure evil) "Or perhaps a demonstration—"

Integra (turning scarlet): "NO!"

Alucard: "Pity. I give excellent lectures. Very hands-on."

Integra: "OUT."

Alucard (melting into the wall): "As you wish. But do let me know if you need extra credit."

🩸 Bonus

Integra falls asleep over a textbook.

Alucard tucks a blanket around her. Shadows curl in, gentle.

He takes the textbook, reads a few lines, then whispers:

“...You spelled ‘Wallachia' wrong. I’ll eat the teacher if they mark it.”

Chapter Text

▶️ Cold open

Camera zooms in on Alucard sitting at his chair.

He’s wearing reading glasses with no lenses and doing nothing.

Alucard: “I haven’t clocked in since 1897. Let’s keep it that way.”

🍷 Scene: Hellsing Manor Kitchen

Seras: “I’m on blood bags now! Type O negative, low sodium!”

She accidentally spills one.

Walter (off-camera, mopping): “That was a donor bag, Miss Victoria."

Camera cuts to Integra lighting a cigar in absolute silence.

Integra (deadpan to the camera): “Do you think I wanted to run this place? I was twelve. I still had hope.”

🗣️ Confessional Booth: Anderson

Anderson (screaming at camera): “YOU'VE ALLOWED THEM TO FILM THE ANTICHRIST.
THIS IS A TRAP. THE CAMERA IS AN EYE OF THE DEVIL.”

Cut to him being escorted out (again).

Walter: “This is the third time this week.”

☕ Scene: Integra’s Office

Camera zooms in on her tea mug.
It says “Underworld's Best Boss” (it was a gift from Seras). 

Integra (monotone): “We’ve had three vampire uprisings, one Christmas party, and a break room knife fight.
Guess which one was the worst.”

📂 Confessional Booth: Alucard

Alucard: “I’ve been banned from the armory. And the intern dormitories. And the espresso machine.
And Integra's office. And her bedroom.”

A beat. He smiles shamelessly.

“It was worth it.”

📺 Ending credits

A blooper reel of:

▪️Seras sneezing blood onto a camera lens

▪️Alucard slowly crawling across the ceiling

▪️Integra threatening a BBC lawyer with a sword

▪️Anderson throwing Bibles' pages into the air

▪️Walter calmly walking out of a room on fire

Chapter Text

Hellsing Manor Conference Room. 8:59 AM.

A projector flickers to life. The screen reads:

“INCLUSION & IMMORTALITY: Navigating Undead Diversity in the Workplace”

HR Lady (nervous): “Today we’ll be talking about boundaries, communication, and respecting personal space.”

(camera pans to Alucard with his legs on the table, holding a human skull like a stress ball)

Alucard: “Is this about the intern again?”

(camera zooms into Seras)

Seras (looking away): “I said he looked like a snack. Not my fault if it was… literal.”

📉 Confessional Booth: Integra

Integra: “We used to solve things with silver bullets and crucifixes. Now there's PowerPoint.”

(a long pause)

“I miss the war.”

🧛🏻 Scene: Vampire Workplace Etiquette

Walter is pretending to be a client for training purposes.
Seras is pretending to give a tour.
Alucard is hiding in the ceiling tiles.

HR Lady: “Okay, Ms. Victoria, how do we greet clients without traumatizing them?”

Seras: “Hello, welcome to Hells—”

(Alucard drops from the ceiling behind her, full Nosferatu mode)

Alucard: “DEATH IS BUT A DOOR. JUST SAY YES.”

Client (Walter): “I… have soiled myself.”

🧠 HR pop quiz segment

Each team member must answer: "What does consent mean to you?"

Seras: “Enthusiastic yes, with no fangs out. Learned that one the hard way.”

Integra: “…It means obeying when they're told to.”

Alucard: “It’s when they stop screaming. Right?”

(awkward pause)

“…Oh, before that. Noted.”

Chapter Text

🎬 Cold open

Hellsing Manor. Living room. 2:00 pm.

The staff is gathered around a dusty game table that has definitely seen bloodshed.
A hand-painted sign reads:

“Gaming Friday! No powers. No weapons. No exorcisms.”

Integra (lighting a cigar): “We will have one peaceful day if it kills us all.”

Alucard (grinning): “Oh, I hope it does.”

💰 Round 1: Monopoly — “London is Mine” Edition

👮🏻‍♀️ Seras chooses the tiny police hat as her token.
♟️ Integra uses a white chess queen.
⚰️ Alucard demands a custom piece: a miniature coffin.
✝️ Anderson kicks down the door and joins with a piece shaped like a cross.

Anderson (foaming): “I SHALL OWN THE CHURCHES!”

Integra: “You already do, you lunatic.”

Alucard buys up every cemetery property and charges “eternal rent".

Alucard: “That’s capitalism, gentlemen.”

Anderson flips the board after landing on Alucard’s “Hounds of Baskerville” Hotel.

🧩 Round 2: Charades

Seras tries to act out “Twilight.”
Alucard hisses and leaves the room.

Integra draws “Holy Water Balloon Fight” and just silently glares at the camera.

Anderson’s turn:

(brandishing invisible bayonets)
(slashing wildly)

“First word is ‘judgment’!”

Everyone: “??? EVERY WORD IS JUDGMENT WITH YOU.”

🎤 Confessionals

Seras: “I thought this would be a cute bonding moment. I was wrong. So very wrong.”

Anderson: “I purged five heretics. In one single game.”

Alucard: “I let Integra win because she's my boss. Just this once. Maybe.”

Walter: “I haven’t felt this alive since the Berlin Wall fell.”

Integra (with a faint smile): “They’ll never see Uno No Mercy coming.”

Chapter Text

Camera pans shakily across the Hellsing meeting room.
Walter sets down a black box labelled Cards Against Humanity.

◾ Anderson's round: Why can’t I sleep at night?

◽ An endless stream of diarrhea
◽ The screams of my enemies
◽ The Holy Bible
◽ An oversized lizard in a trench coat

Alucard: “I'd go with number four, because I’m voting for Anderson.”

Anderson (already halfway over the table): “I WILL END YE.”

Integra (doesn't even look up): “Sit down or I’ll shoot you through the knee.”

Camera zooms in on Anderson’s face as he freezes mid-lunge.
A long, defeated sigh. He sits.

🗡️ Confessional: Anderson

“She is… not of God. But she is terrifying. I respect that.”

◾ Integra's round: What ended my last relationship?

◽ Being a dick to children
◽ A crucifixion gone wrong
◽ Daddy issues
◽ The unstoppable tide of Islam

Camera pans to Anderson crossing himself like he’s trying to start a chainsaw.

Alucard: “Daddy issues. Clearly.”

Integra (ticking a point for him): “Agreed.”

Anderson: “AGREED?! Wha—”

◾ Seras' round: What turns me on?

◽ A challenge
◽ Restraint

Alucard and Integra lock eyes.
It’s very quiet. Too quiet.

Seras (freezes halfway through reading): “Should I… leave?”

Anderson: “YES.”

Alucard (dragging the next black card toward himself): “NO.”

Walter (staring at his cards): “And that’s foreplay, children."

🥲 Confessional: Seras

“I think they’re about to either kill each other. Or make out. Or both.”

◾ Alucard's round: What keeps me warm at night?

◽ My inner demons
◽ A sad handjob
◽ A really cool hat
◽ The blood of the innocent

Seras: “Oh! That’s you, Master!”

Alucard: “Number two, clearly.”

Integra: “You’re insufferable.”

Alucard: “I said it was sad, not bad.”

Anderson looks two seconds from tearing up the tablecloth.

◾ Walter's round: In the end, the true enemy was ___.

Seras: “Nazis. Again.”

Anderson: “Sin.”

Alucard: “Celibacy.”

Integra: “Men.”

Long silence. Camera pans slowly from face to face.

Anderson: “Jesus knows she’s not wrong.”

A beat.

Alucard: “She’s not right either, but she’s definitely hot.”

Walter downs his tea like it’s whiskey.

🩸 Bonus

Camera follows Anderson down the hallway as he storms out, trips over Seras’ chair, and screams “SATAN’S FURNITURE!”

Integra calmly lights another cigar.

Alucard licks the corner of a card — slowly.

Walter (sighs): “Next week, we’re playing Scrabble.”

Seras (quietly): “Can we just... not?”

Chapter Text

🫱🏻‍🫲🏻 Meet the neighbors (Don’t kill them)

Integra is already chain-smoking on the porch by 7 a.m.
A neighbor brings over muffins.

Alucard (whispering): “Can I eat her?”

Integra: “Only socially.”

Alucard: “So… with a fork?”

🥩 Housewarming BBQ

Alucard sets the grill on fire.
Integra stabs a sausage with a silver dagger.
Everyone claps (they think it’s performance art).

The Smiths next door ask if they’re “into kink”.

Alucard (deadpan): “She chains me up at night.”

Integra spits out her wine.

✨ Domestic bliss is a lie

Alucard has never done laundry.
He puts red robes in with whites. Everything turns blood pink.
He calls it “aesthetic”.

Integra tries to drive a minivan.
She reverse parks by obliterating the fence.

They argue over who sleeps on the left.
He insists: “I died on that side.”

Seras is their nosy “niece”.
She keeps accidentally blowing their cover with comments like:
“Uncle Alucard doesn’t actually need to eat. He just enjoys the texture.”

📘 Book club

Integra joins the neighborhood women's book club to gather intel.
This week's meeting happens at their place.

They’re reading Fifty Shades of Grey.
She pretends to be unfazed.

Alucard shows up mid-meeting, shirtless, dripping wet from a “shower”.

Mrs. Jones chokes on a sausage roll.
Chaos. Divorce threats.
Increased surveillance.

🩸 Bonus

Alucard tries using a vacuum. It breaks immediately.
He insists it’s “oppressing his supernatural essence”.

Integra: “It’s a Hoover, not the Inquisition.”

Chapter Text

🌆 Cottage bedroom. 10:03 pm.

The bedroom is tastelessly beige. The overhead light is soft. There are two nightstands.
And one bed.

One. Bed.

Integra stands stiff as a bayonet, glaring at the floral comforter like it insulted her lineage.
Alucard lounges on his side, shirtless, already “settled in”, and flipping pages of a Cosmopolitan he found in the bathroom.

Integra: "You knew. You knew there was only one bed and you said nothing."

Alucard (without looking up): "I thought it would be good for… character building.
Also I wanted to see you try to strangle an IKEA pillow."

Integra: "You have a coffin. You can be a dog. Or bats. Sleep in a drawer, for God’s sake!"

Alucard: "You think I survived Wallachian winters by avoiding intimacy and warmth?"

Integra: "You survived by eating people, you melodramatic antique."

Alucard (sighs happily): "Ah, the romance."

She sits on the edge of the bed like it physically pains her. It does.

Integra: "I'm warning you. No touching. No whispering. No slithering under the sheets like a—"

Alucard: "Snake?"

Integra: "—pervert. And don’t stare at me while I sleep."

Alucard (already staring): "Too late."

🌚 One hour later

Silence. They lie stiffly, back to back. Then—

Alucard: "If we ever have to do this again, I’m buying us a waterbed."

Integra: "If we ever have to do this again, I’m setting you on fire."

🕐 01:04 am.

He rolls slightly closer — too close. Breathes behind her neck.
Integra goes completely still.

Integra: "You’re in my space."

Alucard: "Space is relative."

Integra: "Move or I’ll shoot you."

Alucard (smirking): "At this range? And people say English women aren't passionate."

🌅 The morning after. 7:06 am.

Seras opens the door with a bright smile.

Seras: "Master! Good morn—"

Stops. Stares.

Integra's hair is a mess.
Alucard is lying on his back, arms behind his head and that smug grin on his face.

Seras: "Should I… bring breakfast? Or… holy water?"

Integra (deadpan): "Both."

Seras (backing out): "Right. I’ll just... get back later. Or never."

Chapter Text

📦 Three business days later...

A suspiciously large box sits in the middle of the tiny cottage bedroom.

Walter, "an old family friend who’s come to help us assemble the furniture", is reading the manual like an ancient curse.

Walter (to Integra): “Sir, if I may ask, why did you order a waterbed?"

Alucard (cutting in before she can say a word): "Because I enjoy chaos, even while horizontal. Especially while horizontal."

Integra (arms crossed): “Two rules. One: No biting the mattress. Two: Keep your limbs on your own half. All of them. Understood?”

Alucard (grinning like psycho): “Crystal clear, my dear wife. I shall be the paragon of virtue.”

They overhear Anderson, allegedly "a security consultant doing a quick safety check while we settle in", practicing a Latin exorcism in the hall.

Walter (muttering): “I quit before for way less.”

⛲ Later that night

The mattress gleams proudly under soft lamplight. The room is dim, peaceful, almost normal.

Integra (under the covers, stiff as a board): “If it moves, I’m leaving.”

Alucard (stretched beside her, hands folded, grinning in the dark): “Don't you think the water gives it... personality?”

Integra: “Beds are not sentient, you creep.”

Alucard: “Then perhaps it’s simply… responsive.”

The bed squelches. A faint ripple. Integra’s jaw clenches.

Integra: “Stop breathing like that.”

Alucard: “What are you talking about? I haven’t breathed since 1476.”

A sudden loud POP!
A geyser of water bursts from the side. Both leap up.
Alucard’s laughter fills the room as the mattress collapses in slow motion.

Integra: “Oh for the love of—”

Anderson (shouting through the wall): "THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON US!"

Integra lunges for a towel. Alucard slips in the wet.
The two end up with their faces very close in the sodden wreck, limbs flailing, and puffed hair.

Seras (in pajamas, kicking the door open): "WHA— Oh. Um. Are we working undercover yet?"

Anderson (appearing in a nightshirt behind her, horrified): “THE WICKED SHALL BE SWEPT AWAY IN THE FLOOD!”

Integra and Alucard struggle upright, tangled and dripping.
Integra is furious and oddly breathless.

Alucard (chuckling): “I told you waterbeds were intimate.”