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Chapter Text

I don’t belong, and my beloved neither do you

Anthony’s POV

-

“Just- just-” said Anthony as he caught her wrist, touching the bangle that had caused everything. He wrapped his hand around hers, looking at their hands linked, he took a breath before looking up at her. “wait,” he told her.

Anthony was pleading with his eyes, they too were asking her to stay. Her beautiful almond eyes were sorrowful, he could see her guilt in them and he wanted to comfort her, he wanted to tell her it was both their faults, but he didn’t know how. All he knew was that he needed her to stay close.

His eyes were intent on hers, and she closed hers before shaking her head softly. His gaze traveled to their linked hands once more and he could tell she wanted to yank hers away and leave, and he wanted to distract her. Distract her from the mess that was outside this closet, from the sadness, the guilt and their probable future. He looked at the stuff around them and found a small purple rock, it had something written in it and it made for a good distraction.

“Can you read Latin?” he asked, her face was confused at his change in topic but she took the bait, her hand wasn’t yanking anymore. He was sure she was too tired to fight him too.

“Yes. Why?”

“What does this mean?” he asked, taking the stone with his other hand and bringing close to her face, she seemed distrustful of him, but she also obliged him, probably because she too wanted to run away from the consequences of their present reality.

“It means… Take one regret back.” She whispered, saddened again, “I would have been honest with my family.” She mumbled, her voice dripping with guilt.

“I would have never courted Miss Edwina.” He confessed, voice choked with honesty and desperation, her big eyes went to his and she seemed taken aback. As she opened her mouth to question him, the ground started to move and things around them startled falling from the shelves. Anthony moved closer to Kate and gathered her in his arms, trying to protect her.

It was the last thing this day needed, for one of them to end up hurt. And he’d never forgive himself if he let her get hurt. He didn’t understand what was going on, the earth didn’t move usually and Kate was saying something about seeking refuge but all he could do was hold her tight as he felt something change around him and before he could explain or ask her if she felt the same, he blinked and the earth stopped moving, but most importantly, he wasn’t in a closet on his wedding day anymore.

He was at the Queen’s ball, at the start of the season. He looked around frantically, his brother Benedict was by his side, looking at something in front of him, where the Queen was naming Edwina the diamond. Anthony looked at himself, his clothes were the same as they had been that day and everything around him seemed to be the same as that day.

Had he hurt his head? Had the movement of the earth made something fall into him and somehow, he was dreaming this?

“You should be the first to ask for a dance.” Whispered Benedict on his side, nudging him with his arm. Anthony looked at him with a frantic look in his face, he was sure. “Are you quite well, brother?” He asked as Anthony continued looking to his surroundings. He was at the palace, but reliving what had happened months ago.

“No, I need some air.” He said moving to door, wanting to get out of this blasted palace and this life and this moment he regretted so.

As he moved through the dance floor, he saw Miss Edwina take someone’s hand and start to dance, he wasn’t sure who the gentleman was because the Queen’s eyes were on his. She looked accusatory and her lips were pursed. She probably wanted him to dance with her diamond, but he wouldn’t do it. Not again. Even when he didn’t quite understand what was happening.

He walked through the doors and let the cold air hit his face, he breathed hard and tried to touch his body and his head and pinch himself to see if this was real. How could it be? How could he have gone back in time to actually take back his regret? As he was calming himself down, he heard the door open and steps behind him.

He turned around and there she was, the bane of his existence, looking the same way she had when she had taken her sister away from him. When he had realized his mistake.

“What happened?” she asked him, moving closer and Anthony started to believe this wasn’t just in his mind.

“Do you remember, too?” he asked, afraid she would say no. She moved closer to him, looking back, she moved to the side trying to be away from the eyes of the help and the ton and he moved away too, wanting to talk to her with honesty. He was so afraid he would be forever hunted by the moments they shared, only in his mind would he have laid his hands on her bosom, only in his mind would he had been so close to her he could smell her lilies scent.

He couldn’t conceive it.

“I do. We were on the closet, at your wedding.” She whispered, she seemed as frantic as he was and he took a deep breath when he realized he wasn’t alone. She too had experienced it.

“Did it work then? That purple stone somehow took us back in time and took our regrets back with it?” he asked, he would only believe if she said it.

“I believe so. I must tell my sister about the Sheffield’s stipulations.” She said almost smiling, looking somewhere behind his shoulder, but then her eyes turned to him and she sobered up. “About… well, I guess I should tell her I’ve met you. Nothing else has happened up to this point in time.” She said, her expression careful and Anthony felt a pang of pain in his chest. She was right, nothing had happened between them and nothing could happen between them. He was a gentleman and he would not marry for love, and she believed what they shared was mere passion and would soon pass.

Therefore, they needed to be away from one another.

“And nothing will happen, Miss Sharma. You have my word. We will go our separate ways and we shan’t need to explain ourselves to anyone, ever again.” He told her, his expression carefully neutral as well. He could see a flick of something on her eyes, but he wasn’t sure what it was, before she curtsied and turned around. Anthony’s hand flew up, wanting to keep her there, keep her close, why? He had no idea, he just did, but he stopped himself short.

Either way, she couldn’t go far because the Queen had come into the garden and she was looking at them with suspicion. Anthony’s blood ran cold, he had just avoided one marriage the Queen had wanted for him, he couldn’t go into another one so soon. Although, he imagined having to marry Kate Sharma wouldn’t be as painful as it would be marrying Edwina Sharma. However, he knew in the end there could only be pain.

“Viscount Bridgerton, you are with the wrong Sharma girl.” He told them, Kate curtsied before the Queen and Anthony bowed, automatically. “I assume it is you who has taken something back.” She told them, her lips still pursed and Anthony frowned, whatever could she mean? Could everyone remember?

“I am not quite sure I understand, your Majesty.” He said, Kate was still silent in front of him.

“I can always tell when someone uses it. It is linked to me, you see. I can sniff anyone who uses that stone. What did you take back?” she barked at him, making him afraid she would make him do it all over again. He couldn’t do it.

“I… I was betrothed to someone, your Majesty. I didn’t want to be.” He explained, trying to leave as many details out as he could.

“Then why not just break the engagement off? Why use the stone? And how did you find out about it?” she questioned, again, making him sweat.

“It wasn’t something I could do. I had gone too far with it and when I used the stone, I didn’t know what it was or how it worked. I am still not sure how it works.”

“It takes you back to a time when you can make the other choice. And I am sure you have. Was it my diamond?” she asked, coming closer to them and Anthony realized this was the very first time he had seen the Queen alone. There was no butler or ladies around her.

“Yes, your Majesty,” he told her, not wanting to lie to the Queen of England, even he knew that would be disastrous.

“And how do you feel about that? About him not wanting to marry your dear sister?” she asked turning to Miss Sharma and Anthony wished he could spare her from the Queen’s rage, he moved closer, but he didn’t touch her, he couldn’t do that in the presence of the Queen.

“I want my sister to have the happiest of lives, your Majesty. I want her to be loved by her husband and Lord Bridgerton clearly does not have love for her. I am relieved to be back in time to avoid that.” She told her simply, the Queen’s eyes squinted and Anthony noticed the woman in front of them knew they both traveled back.

“You used it too, then? What was your regret?” she asked with all the authority she had, making Miss Sharma take a deep breath.

“I regretted not being honest with my family.”

“About what?” continued prodding the Queen, interested.

“About…” she stopped and the Queen huffed in front of her, Anthony’s hand moved forward, twitching to touch Miss Sharma, to make her feel safe. The eyes of the Queen caught the movement and looked at him, understanding dawned on her face.

“About your feelings?” she asked, Kate sputtered in front of the Queen, making her smile.

“About a lot of things.” She finished, her voice quivered only a bit, however her shoulders were back and he was sure her face was stony. Kate was braver than he was in a lot of ways.

“And what about you, Viscount Bridgerton? Is it your feelings that made you regret the engagement to Miss Edwina?” she asked, interested in his answer this time.

“I-” he started to speak, but he didn’t want for the Queen to misconstrue his true intentions, so he chose his words carefully. “I am not what Miss Edwina wants. I offer a marriage of convenience, something pragmatic. She wants love and that is something I am sure I cannot provide.” He finished, but then the Queen’s eyes moved to Miss Sharma and Anthony realized he needed to act fast. “To anyone, your Majesty. Love shall have no place in my marriage.”

The Queen’s eyes moved to him and he could tell she was assessing him, he started sweating. She had the power to make him marry Miss Sharma, especially because she had found them speaking alone, unchaperoned, but most importantly because she was the Queen of England.

She looked back to Miss Sharma and she seemed to see something on her face, he wasn’t sure what it was, because he couldn’t see her face, but something flashed through the Queen’s eyes. Something like understanding.

“Very well, then. You will be free to explore this new opportunity to live without your regrets. I hope you are truthful, Miss Sharma, and I hope you know what you are doing, Viscount Bridgerton.” She told him while flaring her nostrils, clearly in disagreement with his stance on marriage, but she turned around and left them alone.

He had never known the Queen to let people do as they please, he thought all of her whims ought to be fulfilled and he let himself feel relief and also mourn the possibility of having to marry Miss Sharma.

“I have to see how my sister is doing.” She told him before walking back into the palace and Anthony wished he would be braver, he wished he could touch her just once more before their paths never crossed again.

But he didn’t, he stayed still and watched her go.

Chapter Text

I’m not cut out for all these cynical clones

Kate’s POV

-

She walked into the ballroom trying to school her face, her heart was stammering on her chest and she was still trying to comprehend what had happened in the last half an hour. Her sweet Bon had just told her she was just her half-sister, her mother had urged her to go anywhere but near them and she and the Viscount had somehow made it back in time for those things not to happen.

Only for the Queen to know about it and have the opportunity to force them to marry, when she didn’t, Kate wasn’t sure if she wanted to cry in happiness or weep in despair. Thankfully, the Queen wasn’t heartless and she could see the silent plea in Kate’s eyes ‘please don’t make us marry. He doesn’t love me but I love him.’

She found her sister, talking excitedly with their Mama and Kate wanted to cry again, they looked at her with such love and devotion in their eyes, such difference from the way they had looked at her just a few minutes before.

“Oh, Kate, is this a dream? Can you believe the Queen named me the diamond?” asked Edwina, with a soft smile for the world, but she knew her sister, she wanted to cry in triumph.

“Of course she did, Bon. The Queen has excellent taste.” She told her, taking her hands, wanting to convey to her sister how much she loved her, wanting her love back.

“Oh, it is wonderful. So far three gentlemen have asked me to dance, and I have been told they would all want to call on me tomorrow.” She told her, ecstatic.

“Where have you been, Miss Sharma? As soon as your sister started dancing, you disappeared.” Said Lady Danbury, looking quite suspicious. And she was right to be suspicious, but Kate couldn’t tell her the truth, even though she had promised she would be more truthful. This particular occasion would call for deceitfulness, as she wanted to avoid being dragged to the doctor and locked away for saying she had traveled back in time.

“I just needed a moment to celebrate our triumph without the eyes of the ton.” She simply told her, trying to infuse her tight smile with the excitement Edwina was feeling right now, Lady Danbury kept looking at her, but then she nodded.

“The Queen left soon after you did, may have you encountered her?” she asked, a glint in her eyes. Kate knew she couldn’t lie about this because she was being observed by her whole party and she was too nervous to keep hiding so much. This was her chance to be honest, so she was going to be.

“I did, she was not as… unfeeling as some people paint her to be.” She said, trying to infuse as much truth as she could to her secret.

“That must mean she likes you; she doesn’t show that side of herself too often.” Commented Lady Danbury with a small proud smile, making Kate smile as well, after all, the Queen could have done a lot of damage tonight, but she hadn’t. She had been benevolent and understanding and she would like to think that it had to do with her liking of Kate. “Oh, there you are Lady Bridgerton,” said Lady Danbury looking behind Kate and she steeled her back, in case Lord Bridgerton was with her.

However, she needn’t do that. He was not with his mother and siblings and Kate curtsied while she calmed her beating heart. She wanted to go home and wrap her mind around this, but she also didn’t want to be away from her mother and sister, she wanted to take advantage of the opportunity this stone had given her.

“Oh, Lady Danbury, I just wanted to introduce myself and my children to the diamond of the season.” Said Lady Bridgerton with a pleasant smile while looking at Kate’s sister.

“It is my pleasure, Lady Bridgerton,” replied Edwina with her sweet voice, making Kate’s chest fill with pride at how well she had raised her. Mr. Benedict Bridgerton and Miss Eloise Bridgerton introduced themselves as well and Kate couldn’t stop thinking about how different they were here than when playing pall mall.

That is when she realized that she wouldn’t be invited to Aubrey Hall this time and she wouldn’t be able to see them as such. A pity, as she had quite enjoyed herself.

“You are resplendent, my dear. The Queen has most exquisite taste.” Noted Lady Bridgerton.

“She would know, the diamond was her daughter last season. She ended up marrying the Duke of Hastings.” Told them Lady Danbury, making everyone smile.

“Oh, she must have been quite charming indeed.” Replied Edwina.

“She is perfect in every conceivable way. Much unlike me, which is why I am glad the Queen chose you.” Said Miss Bridgerton, making Edwina look at Kate with her mouth agape and surprised eyes, she was shocked someone was sharing their thoughts so openly in English Society. She hadn’t met Miss Bridgerton before, but Kate had and she could only smile at that.

“Eloise!” chastised her mother, making her roll her eyes most unladylike and Mr. Bridgerton chuckled at their side.

“I was surprised to see Lord Bridgerton was not the first to want to dance with Miss Edwina,” said Lady Danbury to their side after clearing her throat, clearly not wanting to dwell on Eloise’s transgression. “He is looking for a wife after all, is he not?”

“Oh, Lady Danbury. I wish I understood my son, he announced today that he had decided not to marry this season after all and left.” Told her Lady Bridgerton with a small sight, her voice denoting she was confused and perhaps even angry, but her face was just as impassive as ever.

“Oh, that is quite strange.” Agreed Lady Danbury, looking at Edwina with pity.

“That is even after interviewing half the eligible ladies and wounding them with his many parameters.” Said Mr. Bridgerton with fond exasperation.

“Maybe he could change his mind?” asked Edwina looking at her sister and Kate couldn’t go through this again, she couldn’t go back in time and let her lies separate them. She didn’t ever want to see Edwina’s eyes fill with rage and hatred and call her half-sister.

“Edwina, you want to marry for love and the Viscount does not. You have plenty of options, why would you want to cling to the one who does not want the same as you?” she asked gently. She heard a gasp from Lady Bridgterton and Kate remembered she shouldn’t know that much information about the Viscount.

“You are correct, of course, but pray tell, how do you know? Have you met him?” asked the Lady of the house, her eyes inquisitive.

“Forgive me, Lady Bridgerton. I…” she looked at Lady Danbury, as if asking for permission and she nodded, resigned, “I overheard Lord Bridgerton at Lady Danbury’s ball. He spoke less than favorably about the ladies of the ton, and I must say, my opinion of him was less than favorably after I heard him.” She told her, she didn’t care that Lady Bridgerton didn’t like her after talking this way about his son, she knew she wasn’t going to be invited to Aubrey Hall. She wasn’t going to spend time with her either, so why care at all?

“You have the right opinion, then.” Said Eloise in front of her and Lady Bridgerton pursed her lips and then sighed.

“Forgive us, Lady Danbury and Lady Mary, my children sometimes forget how to act properly in honorable company.” She said, looking at her daughter and she knew she was thinking of her son as well.

“My Kate can be a bit overzealous at times as well, I understand.” Said Lady Mary, smiling at Kate. Her stomach was in knots, her mama had been so hard on her and now she was looking at her with such love that Kate really needed to go home and weep.

“Oh, you would get along well with my children then.” Told her Lady Bridgerton and Kate felt the blood run from her face, she didn’t want to spend more time on his vicinity, she needed to shut this down immediately.

“That is quite generous of you, my Lady. I must confess my attentions are on my sister and her prospects right now and I do not have any time on my own to make acquaintances.” She told her trying to sound normal. Not strained, or scared to be dragged into his orbit once more.

“And are you not looking for a husband, then?” asked Mr. Bridgerton by her mother’s side, his eyes curious.

“Oh, no. I am six-and-twenty. I do not mind the life of a spinster; it suits me quite well.” She told them with a small smile, knowing Eloise would grab onto that.

“You sound quite content with your situation.” Said Eloise, almost making Kate smile at her brazenness.

“Eloise, please.” Pleaded her mother, but the girl used her hand to dismiss any concern and Kate only smiled at them.

“I am. I love my independence. And as soon as my sister marries, I will go back to India and become a governess.” She told them, Lady Danbury tutted at her side.

“That is, unless we find someone who catches your eye.” She said, both hands on her cane. Kate had to be the one to try not to roll her eyes this time.

“It has been decided, Lady Danbury.” She said with finality, even though she knows she shouldn’t challenge her sponsor for the season, she is quite exhausted with everything that has happened and she is also heartbroken at the fact that even as she and the Viscount had a second chance, he decided he didn’t want one.

“Kate.” Chastised her mother this time, making Kate apologize and then tell them she had a headache and wished to go back home.

They said their goodbyes, and Edwina decided she wanted to go home as well, because she needed to prepare for the upcoming callers in the morning.

As Kate closed her eyes that night, she prayed to the Gods that this whole night hadn’t been a dream and that as the next day came, she didn’t wake up being tied to Viscount Bridgerton by her sister’s marriage.

Chapter Text

Is it romantic how all my elegies eulogize me?

Anthony’s POV

-

He was walking slowly as they came closer to the gathering of people waiting for the races. Anthony was at least partly happy he didn’t have to plan to have time alone with Miss Edwina, but he knew this would mean that he also wouldn’t be close to Miss Sharma, either.

He chose to let her go and he chose to remain far away, but that didn’t mean he craved her presence any less.

Maybe it was worse, maybe his reluctance made it the more desirable and that is why he was now craning his neck trying to find her almost obsessively.

“Dearest, are you sure nobody has captured your attention?” asked his mother, of course, always too sharp for his taste.

“Yes, mother. I was looking for a friend of mine, Thomas Dorset.” He told her, because that was true too. Last time, Dorset had come forward to Lady Danbury and asked to escort Miss Sharma because Anthony asked him too, but he had been willing. He had later sought out Miss Sharma again and Anthony couldn’t stomach the sight of her laughing at his jokes again.

“Oh, and why is it that you would like to speak to him?”

“I trust his instincts when it comes to horses.” He simply told her, but that wasn’t true. Anthony knew who would win and he was surely going to take advantage of the fact.

“Oh, is it the young man speaking to Lady Danbury right now?” she asked, making Anthony turn around. There he was, the dowager had probably the same idea he had once, about how much Dorset liked his time in India and she was playing matchmaker for Kate. He wouldn’t stand for it.

He marched towards his old school friend and clapped his back to get his attention. He gave him a tight lipped smile when he turned.

“Lord Bridgerton!” he said, happy to see him. Anthony wished he could be happy as well, but there was too much energy in his limbs to be happy.

“How are you today, Dorset?” he asked, tight smile still in place.

“Very well, Lady Danbury was talking to me about her wards.” He told him, small smile on his lips. He was probably already interested.

“Oh, would you mind if I steal him away a minute, Lady Danbury?” he asked, impatient.

“I wished you didn’t Lord Bridgerton. I was just about to ask-”

“That can surely wait, the races do not wait for anyone, Lady Danbury and I wish some advice from my old friend.” He interrupted, knowing she wouldn’t take kindly to it, but also that she couldn’t deny him either.

“Very well, then. Look for me after the races, Mr. Dorset. I’m sure you will like what I have to say to you.” She said before they both bowed to her and let her go.

“What was that about?” asked Dorset once she left, his good humor would be infectious if Anthony didn’t hate him right now.

“She loves playing matchmaker and I know you like your independence. I was trying to save you.” He told him, trying to trick him into not wanting Miss Sharma.

“Oh, well, from what I’ve heard her ward is the diamond and I’m not quite so sure I’m eligible for that kind of rank. Are you courting her?”

“No, no. She’s quite young.” He told her, not really knowing what to say to continue engaging him in conversation but also wanting him away from his Miss Sharma.

“Is that a bad thing? I guess if I’d ever be so inclined to marry, I would probably go for someone not quite so young.”

“Would you marry a spinster?” he asked.

“As long as we had enough time to have kids, I wouldn’t mind.” He said, shrugging.

“Even if she rides astray?” he asked, desperate to keep him away, “you know that could mean she has been compromised.”

“What are you talking about?”

“The older Miss Sharma. I’m sure Lady Danbury wants to try to get you closer, as your friend I feel as if I have to warn you. I have met her,” he said, trying not to sound too forceful, “she’s prickly and hard-headed and she rides astray.”

“I… Bridgerton, I do not know what to say. If you think she is not for me, then I will take your word for it, as I trust you.” He said earnestly and Anthony felt his stomach fill with nausea. “But you know I am a man of medicine; I know that riding astray doesn’t have to mean anything.”

“I know. I just thought I should let you know, as you are my friend. Please do not say anything to anyone else, I do not want to sully the lady’s name.” He kept going, mostly because he was disgusted with himself. He had done something horrible to Miss Sharma’s honor because of his jealousy and he hated himself for it.

But what was done was done.

“Of course, Lord Bridgerton. My sincerest gratitude for how good of a friend you are.” He said, bowing and Anthony took the chance to walk away and go to his family’s side. He was so into his own head that he hadn’t noticed until he was but five steps away from them that they were with Lady Danbury and her party. Of course.

Miss Sharma looked as beautiful as ever. Her eyes were on her sister and they shone with something, as if she couldn’t believe she was looking at her sister again and Anthony realized how painful it must have been for her when Edwina had talked to her after stopping the wedding.

If Miss Edwina had been hard with him, he imagined she had been harsher with her sister and Anthony felt self-hatred all over again. He needed to do something to repair the damage he had done, even if in this second chance it hadn’t been done. He was already mucking up stuff with Dorset, he needed to find something to help her with.

“Good day, Lord Bridgerton. I see your conversation with Mr. Dorset is over.” Told her Lady Danbury, her distaste for his interruption clear in his face.

“Yes, I apologize for that, Lady Danbury but his advice on the race was most needed. I am on my way to use it for my advantage as we speak.” He said with his most charming smile, only to be met with Miss Sharma’s scoff.

His eyes went to her immediately and he could tell she felt self-conscious because their whole party was looking at her.

“Is there anything the matter, Miss Sharma?” asked Lady Danbury and she shook her head before looking at him again.

“I am sure Lord Bridgerton is not one to listen to advice, that is all.” She said making him almost smile.

“Well, you haven’t met him yet and you have him pegged.” Said Eloise by their side and Kate blushed. Right, to the eyes of the Ton they hadn’t met yet.

“And what makes you say that, Miss Sharma?” he asked, enjoying the way her face looked flushed.

“You are aware I overheard you at Lady Danbury’s ball, my Lord.” She said, as if that was all the explanation it took.

“That conversation was not for your ears.” He insisted, wishing nobody was around them, wishing he could go closer to her and bicker again until he was right in front of her face.

“Anthony! Do not speak that way to Miss Sharma.” Chastised his mother, making him school his features and bow his head.

“Apologies, Miss Sharma. Pleasure to officially meet you.” He said, a sarcastic smile on his face and he could see everyone around them look at him.

“The pleasure is all mine, Lord Bridgerton. Now, if you excuse me. We have a race to watch.” She said before she took her sister’s arm and made her walk away from their group, as if forgetting her sister already had an escort.

“And who do you think will win, Miss Sharma?” he asked before he could stop himself. He wasn’t ready to let her go just yet.

“Highflyer.” She said not turning around but stopping.

“Not Nectar?” he asked, prodding her.

“High-flyer is a cooler horse.” She replied, turning around this time. Her eyes were proud, as if this interaction had reminded her of her victory over him.

“I shall put a wager in your name on High-flyer, then. We will see if you were correct,” he simply told her before bowing and going under the tent where wagers were drawn. He knew now what he ought to do to make it up to her.

-

“What was that?” asked Benedict on his side once he was done with his wagers.

“Whatever do you mean?” he asked, even though he was sure what he meant.

“You and Miss Sharma,” he said rolling his eyes, “you have met before, right?”

“Just once, when she overheard my standards for a wife.” He told him, relieved he could at least tell his brother something about his weird acquaintance with her.

“I thought she only overheard, she talked to you about it, did she not?” he asked, entertained.

“Yes. She said something about me treating women as chattel and breading stock.” He remembered almost fondly. To everyone else that had happened merely a couple of days ago, to him it had been months and he wished the rock had sent him even further back, just so he could meet her again.

“You like her.” Proclaimed Benedict, making Anthony frown.

“Of course not, she’s aggravating.” He told him in turn, remembering his conversation with Daphne once.

“Oh, brother. Please put us all out of our misery and marry the one woman who elicits this reaction from you.” He said with mirth on his eyes but seriousness in his voice. Anthony could only grind his jaw and deny with his head.

“I will not marry this season.” He insisted before walking into the seating where he could see the race from. His mother was talking to Lady Danbury and he knew those two were planning something, but he wasn’t going to worry now.

He knew what happened now and he didn’t want to miss it. As the race started, everyone started cheering, he could tell Miss Sharma was trying to reign it in this time, even though he could only see her profile from his seat and he would not stand for it. So, he started yelling, loud enough for everyone to hear, she turned to him and he smirked at her, she smirked back and started yelling as well. Soon she was whistling in a most unladylike manor, with her chest heaving and flushed and Anthony couldn’t take his eyes off of her.

The race be damned, he knew how it would end. He didn’t know if he’d ever be able to see her like this again. Knowing his time with her was limited and soon she would leave for India, made him extra aware of the things he wanted to imprint into his memory. That was one of them.

When High-flyer was crowned champion, she laughed and clapped and he clapped as well, a small grin on his face because he knew this all too well, and he would thoroughly enjoy it. He walked towards her side of the stands, everyone started moving and Miss Edwina and her chaperone went to see the horses. Miss Sharma, however, moved closer to him.

And if that didn’t send a thrill down his spine, nothing else would.

“I was trying to be polite this time.” She told him once she was close enough, looking at her sister. He took a step forward, close but not improperly close.

“Now, what is the fun in that, Miss Sharma?” He said, a small smirk on his mouth and he knew he shouldn’t allow himself to linger, that this time he swore himself he would stay away from both Sharma sisters, but her pull was just too great for his weak resolve.

He looked at her with squinting eyes and a teasing smile and he swore his eyes had a life on their own, they roamed her face, settling on her lips and he let himself lick his, wanting nothing else but to taste hers, taunting him right in front of him. He noticed her lips parted, he had to grind his jaw not to groan at the sight. Not to forget about everyone around them and tilt his head closer. Not to forget he was gentleman and could not take liberties.

“Lord Bridgerton,” called Lady Danbury to his left, making him take a step from Miss Sharma, he looked at the lady, with his mother beside her looking at him with a mix of excitement and awe. This couldn’t be good.

“Yes, Lady Danbury?” He asked trying to make his face look as neutral as possible.

“I seem to remember you have made a wager on Miss Sharma’s behalf? Would you be so kind as to chaperone her to retrieve it, my Lord?” she asked, even though it was not truly a question. She was demanding him to chaperone her and he could only bow before he offered his arm to Miss Sharma, who looked as affronted as he was to have to spend more time together.

He should not think that. Her affront may be real, his was a merely concealed façade.

“I hope you did not make too big a bet, my Lord.” She said as they walked towards the tent, Lady Danbury and his mother walking closely behind.

“You would be disappointed then, Miss Sharma.” He told her, making her twist her neck to look him in the eye. He continued looking forward.

“That is not right, we knew the results beforehand.” She whispered furiously closer to him, the smell of lilies stronger. He had to swallow not to allow himself the indulgence of moving his head closer to her.

“There are no rules against it. Besides, we know you need the money.” He whispered as well, making her bristle by her side.

“Lord Bridgerton, I will have you know-”

“Miss Sharma,” he interrupted her, “have you told them about the… arrangement, yet?” he whispered before entering the tent, he knew she wanted to continue arguing with him, however she also knew they now had an audience, so she simply sighed.

“Not quite.” She told him, looking at the grumpy person behind the tent.

“Lord Bridgerton, what a lucky bet.” He told him, frowning to the guy.

“Nectar was the favored horse, what can I say? I like to wager against the likes of everyone else.” He shrugged, Miss Sharma shook her head by his side, positively fuming. He couldn’t help but to smile at her. “And I might have made that bet because Miss Sharma gave me enough encouragement to do so.”

“Is that so? How did Miss Sharma manage that?” he asked, gathering a suitcase from the back.

“Highflyer is a cool horse; I took into consideration the conditions of the track and the weather.” She told the man, her chin pointed up, her eyes proud and Anthony wished he could take his eyes off of her, but he just loved the way she looked in this moment. Regal and proud and beautiful.

Anthony shook his head, he could not continue thinking this way, this was what lead them to the path they were desperately trying to avoid once more. This would be the last time they interacted, if he had any saying in it.

“Well, how much is it?” he asked, trying to end this as soon as he could.

“Six thousand five hundred and eighty pounds.” He said, giving him the suitcase, Miss Sharma stiffed to their side and turned herself towards him completely.

“How? What-?”

“Come now, Miss Sharma. Lady Danbury is waiting,” he said with a smirk he didn’t feel as he knew their time together was coming to a close.

“How is that possible?” she asked, not moving.

“The odds were eighty to one. There were at least two hundred people who issued a wager. You were one of the three who favored Highflyer.”

“And you bet two hundred and fifty pounds. That will do it.” Added the man, aggravated. Anthony wanted to get away from him. That was not something he had wanted Miss Sharma to know.

“How much? That is far too much, my Lord. Last time I only wagered 5 pounds.” She hissed, making him roll his eyes.

“Is everything alright?” asked Lady Danbury outside the tent, making them move apart.

“Yes, Lady Danbury. Quite.” Replied Miss Sharma, her voice still shaken by the news of her newfound fortune.

They walked out and he could tell both ladies waiting for them were curious as to why he was carrying a suitcase.

“I believe the best course of action would be for Miss Sharma to go back home with her prize, we do not want the eyes of the ton on it. They may grow tempted to steal it.” He said, subconsciously moving closer to Miss Sharma, even though he was the one with the suitcase.

“That would only be guaranteed if she made a big winning in deed.” Said Lady Danbury, looking at Miss Sharma with inquisitive eyes.

“I did, Lady Danbury. Where is Edwina?” she asked, already looking behind her as if to locate her.

“I will go find her. Lady Bridgerton, would you be so kind to chaperone these two to my carriage? Miss Sharma should be hiding her treasure at once.” She told her, a wicked gleam on her eye and Kate sighed by his side. Anthony suppressed his groan at them, of course they would set their eyes on matchmaking on their behalf.

“Mother, you can escort Miss Sharma to the carriage. I need to find Benedict.” He said trying to let go of Miss Sharma’s arm.

“Nonsense!” spurted Lady Danbury, making him stop. “It is dangerous for two women to walk alone with a large sum of money, Lord Bridgerton. You must escort Miss Sharma to my carriage at once.” She said tapping her cane on the ground, it didn’t have the desired effect since the grass didn’t make much of a sound, however he knew he couldn’t back down.

“Of course, Lady Danbury. I apologize.” He said before bowing to her and moving forward so they could be done at once. He wanted to stop being surrounded by the smell of lilies. He wanted to drown in them.

“Anthony, do not make such haste, I am slower than you.” Called his mother behind them, but he didn’t relent. He continued moving and Miss Sharma seemed to want to move fast as well.

“Why did you do this?” she asked, her distrust thinly veiled.

“Because I wanted to make up for everything I did, before our paths never cross again.” He whispered.

“With money?” she asked, he let himself look at her and could see her brows pinched and her saddened expression. He hated seeing her this way. This was why he distracted her with the purple rock on the first place.

“With options. If Edwina doesn’t fall for a man with title, she has the option of a small dowry. A man in love will accept it, even when it is not as sizeable as what the Sheffields would offer. And if she does marry a man with title, then you would have something to fall back on. Maybe you would not have to leave for India so quickly.” He finished on a hopeful whisper. She was looking ahead after he reminded her of the Sheffields, but when he mentioned her departure, she looked at him again.

There were too many emotions in her eyes to be able to decipher and he wished he could stop time in order to unravel every single one of them. He wished this was not the last time he could look at her, but they had made their decisions and they were for the best. No matter how much he wanted to continue looking into her eyes, no matter how much he wanted to move closer to her, no matter how much he wished to never be parted from her side again.

He realized what he was thinking and he sobered up. That was not the plan and it would never be. He could not marry for love and Miss Sharma did not wish to marry him. To her, whatever she was feeling for him was fleeting, mere passion and it was better that way, anyways. Better than to fall in love with a man who was going to die in a few years.

They continued walking in silence until they reached the carriage, there they turned to look for his mother, who was a good steps away looking rather winded.

“Thank you, Lord Bridgerton. I will not forget this kindness.” Whispered Miss Sharma to his side and he could feel his heart stammer on his chest. Even if it was mere passion, he was happy to know that she would remember him once years passed, in the same manner that he would always remember her.

“I only wish I could do more. I know what it is like to be the eldest. I know what it is like to be cornered into decisions you wish you would not have to make.” He told her honestly, surprising himself and her, apparently, and then an unpleasant thought popped into his head. “Hopefully you do not have to relieve that awful dinner with the Sheffields.” He told her with a scowl. If it were up to him, they would never come close to the Sharmas at all, ever again.

“Hopefully if I am honest with my family, things will work out differently.” She mumbled looking at the grass front of them as his mother caught up with them.

“Dearest, there was no need for such haste. Lady Danbury will still take her time retrieving Edwina.” She chastised him, her breathing quickened and her cheeks red in trying to keep up with them. Anthony wanted to smile, but he knew better.

“I just thought that with the amount we carry, it would be safest to be close to the carriage.” He told her.

“I assure you nobody else but me followed you, dearest.” She argued, making Anthony want to scowl at her again.

“If I may,” said Kate by his side, making him and his mother turn to her, “I do feel safer by the carriage.” She told his mother and this time Anthony could not help but to smile. It was the first time she agreed with him.

“Would you be able to repeat that, Miss Sharma? I certainly cannot believe you would agree with me.” He teased, Miss Sharma rolled her eyes and that made him smile that much wider.

“There is no need, Lord Bridgerton. Those words were meant for your mother, not you.” She said with her chin up. Anthony chuckled, could not help himself and his mother gasped, he sobered up as she looked at him with the countenance of someone seeing a ghost.

“Mother.” He warned, and she shrugged.

“Forgive me dearest, I just have not seen you laugh or smile in quite some time.” She told him, her eyes moving towards Miss Sharma with something like fondness. Anthony frowned.

“That is not quite true.” He told her, because he would smile with Hyacinth and laugh or joke around with Greg and sometimes even with his brothers. Not when their mother was around, that was for sure, but it had nothing to do with Miss Sharma and everything to do with her expectations of him and her constant nagging.

There was simply nothing to smile or laugh about in the presence of his mother.

“Dearest,” said her mother challenging his words. And Anthony wanted to storm off, but he knew he had to stay until Lady Danbury arrived.

“Oh, would you not say you are a serious and pompous person, Lord Bridgerton?” asked Miss Sharma by his side, making him stiff. “I would have assumed so.” She teased and he grinded his teeth.

“I am not.” He told her, making her smirk.

“What would you say, Lady Bridgerton?” she asked looking at his mother, who was unsuccessfully hiding her smile.

“I would say Eloise is right, you do have him pegged.” She teased, making him groan when he heard the giggles coming from both women at his expense.

“I will have you both know that I can laugh,” he protested, making them giggle some more and he couldn’t help but to smile at that. Also, Miss Sharma already knew that, the last time he had laughed had been when they fell into the mud.

“Oh my, are my eyes deceiving me or is the Viscount smiling?” asked Lady Danbury coming close to them, he had been so busy looking at Miss Sharma giggling that he had not seen her coming. Also, another jab at his expense? Why?

“Alright. Settle down otherwise there will be no more smiles around you both again.” He told them, and Miss Sharma sobered up. Her expressive eyes were once more showing sadness and for a second, he wondered why.

“Are you planning on spending more time with both of us, dearest?” asked his mother, subtle as a rock.

“No.” he replied quickly, his face going back to the neutral state he had perfected for years. The air around them changed and he saw a shared glance between his mother and Lady Danbury.

“Very well then, let us go.” Said Lady Danbury looking at him with something akin to anger. “We need to get Miss Sharma’s investment to safety.” She finished, motioning to the suitcase, so Anthony bowed and let Miss Sharma’s arm go before giving her the winnings of her wager.

“I wish you the very best, Miss Sharma.” He said, knowing this would be goodbye for both of them.

“As do I, Lord Bridgerton.” She told him before curtsying and turning to getting inside the carriage. Anthony watched as the Footman helped her inside and he wished he would have done it. He wished he could have touched her one last time.

Chapter Text

Because I haven’t moved in years

Kate’s POV

-

On the carriage back home, she did not dare say a word. She knew what she needed to do the second they arrived and she was trying to find the words to explain herself to her mother and sister. She didn’t remember exactly when Lady Danbury had found her out, but Kate was quite certain she already knew.

“Is that true, Didi?” asked Edwina to her side and Kate looked back to her sister and everyone in the carriage. All the eyes were on her and she had no idea why.

“My apologies, I was not paying attention. Can you repeat the question?” she asked, trying to still her beating heart.

“Is it true that the Viscount put a rather big wager in your name?” she asked with stars in her eyes, God she hoped Edwina wasn’t falling for him again.

“Yes, he did. I should pay his investment back.” Said Kate looking at the suitcase.

“The Viscount would not have done it, had he thought you would. We must invite him over for supper as a way of thanking him, but he will not want more than that. He is, after all, a rather affluent gentleman.” Said Lady Danbury and Kate fell her whole body alight with the memory of him calling himself a gentleman. Of all the things he wanted to do to her, the things that he would do if he wasn’t.

“And why do you think he did it, Didi? Maybe to win back your favor?” asked Edwina with a small smile and Kate’s heart broke at the thought of her sister’s naiveté. She could still see her looking at her with so much rage and hatred. Calling her half-sister.

“We need to have a conversation. May we all go to the drawing room once we arrive, Lady Danbury?” she asked not wanting to remember that. Her stomach uneasy.

“Of course, Miss Sharma. We ought to have a conversation, in deed.” She nodded as she spoke, making Kate’s stomach sank further.

The rest of the way was silent and once they arrived, Kate excused herself to hide the suitcase on her room as everyone else went into the drawing room. She was still not sure how to explain everything, but she wanted to be as truthful as possible. She couldn’t explain going back in time, and she might have to lie, but the most important parts ought to be true.

She walked slowly and rehearsing her speech on her mind, feeling as if she was approaching the gallows. She didn’t want to see the disappointment and rage behind her sister’s and mama’s eyes, but she needed to be truthful before it all exploded on her face again. And the Viscount had given her a way out.

Her heart squeezed at the thought of him, doing this to give her options, giving her the best path forward, only to say goodbye. She could never call him cruel after this, could never convince herself he was not a good man and it made her angry.

As the thought came into her mind, the drawing room moved closer and she took a deep breath before entering. Everyone looked at her expectant and she closed the doors behind her, thank the gods there were no servants in the room.

“I have something I need to confess, mama.” She said, taking only one step forward into the room. “I have made an arrangement with the Sheffields so they could provide a dowry for Edwina.” She said, her mouth dry. Her mama’s eyes popped open and her mouth did as well.

“My parents?” she asked, as if disgusted and now more than ever Kate knew why.

“I am so sorry, mama. I believed we had no other choice.” She said moving forward, wanting her mama to see the truth in her eyes. “We do not have more money. My dowry is long gone and Edwina’s only had a couple thousand left on hers. I did not know what else to do.” She confesses, her eyes watering as Mary’s eyes did as well.

“I do not understand. Why is that so bad, mama?” asked Edwina looking confused on the settee besides Mary.

“This should have been a private conversation, Kate.” Said Mary with disappointment in her eyes and Kate put her hands on her face, she wanted to wail so badly. Her body had not been able to let go of the emotions of the failed wedding without raising suspicions and this was all too much.

“Why, mama? Am I not the one getting married? Should I not know where my dowry comes from?” asked Edwina sounding offended and Kate knew how hurtful she could be when hurt, so she tried to make herself her target, not their mama.

“Edwina do not be mad at mama. I have taught you everything to be part of this society, I tailored your lessons to the expectations of the Sheffields, I made the arrangement with them so you could have a dowry, I made the arrangement to travel here and I convinced mama to ask Lady Danbury for a sponsorship. I did everything, I am to be blamed for this.”

There was a silence in the room following her passionate speech. Kate’s eyes moved from a stunned Edwina to a simply shocked Mary, to then a pensive Lady Danbury.

“What were the stipulations of the Sheffield, dear?” asked their sponsor once the silence stretched for too long.

“They… they wanted Edwina to marry someone of high rank, so they could reenter society.” She confessed looking at her sister, who grew concerned. “That is why I did not want to tell you anything, Bon. I wanted you to marry someone for love and not for obligation. I wanted… I want you to marry someone you are in love with. And now you can.” She added with a small smile.

“Whatever do you mean?” she asked, her eyebrows pinched in confusion.

“Bon, with the money I won with the help of Lord Bridgerton and the last of your dowry we can have a decent dowry for you. It might be merely eight thousand pounds, but for a man in love that would not matter. If you fall in love with a Lord, then we can ask the Sheffields and your dowry could be more sizable, but we do not need them anymore.” She told her, feeling the hope settle into her bones for the first time since she had arrived into this new timeline.

Maybe, they could be fine. Maybe they wouldn’t need to have that dreadful dinner with the Sheffields. Maybe Edwina would not need to see them for who they truly are, ever.

“Kate.” Said her mama mournfully and all of her hope vanished. If her mama was sad, there may not be anything to repair this situation.

“I am so sorry, mama.” She told her again, her face scrunching up because she couldn’t keep it in anymore.

“Oh, my darling girl.” Said Mary before enveloping her into a hug. Kate did not remember the last time someone did, the last time she wasn’t the one doing the consoling and she was uncapable of stopping her tears, they were welcomed by someone for the first time in years and she could do nothing but cry for a few minutes. Once she calmed down, her mama pulled away and swiped her tears. “I hate seeing you like this. I am so sorry, dearest.” She told her looking into her eyes and Kate could only frown.

“Why?”

“Because it is not right that you were left to guide Edwina alone, that was my failing.” She told her, more forceful than she had heard in years, as if wanting her to believe her.

“But you were grieving Appa!” she told her, shocked to hear her say that.

“And so were you. After you had already lost your mother, too.” She said denying with her head.

“You took me in as your own, everything I did I owed it to you.” She tried to reason, but her mama only denied harder.

“You owed me nothing! Oh! Kate, you never had to earn your place in this family. I loved you from the day I met you. You came into my life as a daughter and I never saw you as anything else.” She said before hugging her once more and Kate let the last of her tears fall freely again, she thought she would cry after confessing but she would never have imagined it would be for the kind words spoken by her mama. “It grieves me to think you do not think you deserve all of the love in the world.” She whispered in her hair and a fresh wave of sadness overcame her.

It didn’t matter if she deserved it or not, it just wasn’t in the cards for her.

“I should not have hid things from you.” She whispered back, thinking about her words in the palace.

“I should have been aware of everything, yes, but not because you should have told me.” She said pulling back once again. “I should have been aware because it was my duty to provide for both of you.” She told her, regret written all over her beautiful face. And Kate wanted to keep denying it, but she was so exhausted. She had done so much to ensure her family survived that it felt vindicating to hear that she should’ve had some support.

They looked at each other in silence for a few seconds, the words settling in and Kate felt the heavy load she carried everywhere to lift quite a bit.

“I am sorry too, Kate.” Said Edwina with a small voice behind them, making both mother and daughter turn around.

“There is nothing for you to be sorry about!” cried Kate, scandalized that her Bon would ever think that.

“You have sacrificed so much Kate. Including your own dowry for us, your own options and you have given me everything to succeed and I… I would continue asking for more necklaces and more dresses, without knowing we did not have enough money even for my dowry.” She said with tears on her cheeks and a flush to her cheeks. She was ashamed.

“Bon, I never wanted you to feel as if we lacked anything. It was never your place to worry about money, it was mine.” She told her, moving towards her to sit by her side.

“And it should have been mine.” Said Mary, coming closer as well. She crouched on the floor and put her hands in both her daughters’ arms and Kate could not believe this acceptance was for her. Only because she was honest.

Would it had been different had she not had the option Lord Bridgerton gave them?

She shook her head, not wanting to think about that. She had the understanding of her family and she was not being shunned or yelled at, she should be grateful.

“I will be more open to the men courting you, Bon. Like I said, you have options now. It is up to you.” She told her sister with a small smile.

“But… what if I do find love with a Lord. Would you use the back-up dowry for yourself?” her sister asked with big eyes.

“No, Edwina, we have talked about this. The moment you marry I am to return to India.”

“Only because we had no other options, but we do now, do we not?” she asked.

“I…” she didn’t know what to say. She had never thought about it.

“Kate, did you only say you wanted your freedom because there was no money left? Do you wish to marry?” asked Mary with a sweet voice and Kate did not want to lie to them anymore, but she also couldn’t tell them about her heartbreak.

“It is one of the reasons.” She conceded. “However, I am a spinster. My options for marrying would be old men who would not offer me freedom, they would want me only to sire heirs for their line of succession.” She reasoned, making her family frown.

“Kate, you are a gorgeous young woman, you are not in the shelve quite yet.” Said her mama, and Kate rolled her eyes.

“Oh, Didi. I would love nothing more than to have you around after I marry. I wish you would stay.” Said Edwina squeezing her hand and Kate took a deep breath.

“I could gather information about eligible bachelors for you, Miss Sharma, should you want to open yourself up to the thought.” Said Lady Danbury and Kate’s heart squeezed on her chest. There was nobody she would want to spend her life with except for the one person she could not have.

“I will think about it.” She promised instead of squashing everyone’s expectations. Her mama and sister smiled giddily and Kate let herself smile as well. She had not thought her family would want her to stay after they didn’t need her and being wanted was something she could not take for granted.

“Speaking of which, how did the Viscount know you were in need of this amount of money?” asked Lady Danbury, surprising her.

“I- I fail to see the connection, Lady Danbury.” She told her, stern. Her sponsor, however merely raised one eyebrow at her and she was forced to continue. This time she would have to warp the truth quite a bit. “He overheard something.” She said, looking somewhere else.

“You two have a habit of overhearing each other, is that correct?” asked Lady Danbury, she seemed to be enjoying this quite a bit and she could tell her mother and Edwina were interested.

“It has only happened once, for both. Mama, please take this seat.” She said standing up and moving so her mama could take the seat besides Edwina, she looked at her with suspicion but said nothing while she stood up and sat.

“Pray tell, when did this particular incident happen?” asked their sponsor once more and that made Kate start pacing as she thought about the best way to explain this situation.

“The morning after we first arrived to Mayfair, I had too much energy and was anxious about everything to come, so I took one of your horses, Lady Danbury. I apologize for that.” She told her, making the dowager nod. “As I was riding the horse through a park, I heard a voice asking me if I was in danger. As I knew it would be improper to be alone with a man, I continued riding my horse, even faster than before and the Viscount continued to follow me.” She told them, trying to infuse as much truth on her tale as she could.

“Is that when he overheard you?” asked Mary, enraptured on her recounting of events.

“I thought I had managed to lose him, and I do not know why, maybe the exercise helped or maybe I just needed to vent, but I started telling the horse about my fears and everything that had to do with Edwina’s dowry. I was so distracted I did not hear Lord Bridgerton coming behind me and hearing my woes.” She lied looking at the door, hopefully her shame for lying could be mistaken for her embarrassment at being discovered. “We spoke for a little while after that and he assured me he would not tell a soul about what he heard. I did not tell him my name and did not ask for his, for I did not think we would see each other ever again.”

“And yet you saw him at my ball.” Said Lady Danbury, still looking at her with suspicion.

“Yes, I apologize for lying about not knowing him, Lady Danbury. I was afraid my other secrets would spill too.” She confessed.

“Are these all of the secrets you have, Kate? Is there anything else we should know?” asked Mary concerned.

“There is nothing else, mama. I have told you everything I have been hiding.” She promised, trying not to think about the other thing she was hiding, something so ludicrous nobody would believe her.

“Fascinating.” Said the dowager with a small smile.

“What is?” asked Kate concerned at the display.

“Only that you had met the Viscount twice before today and he already had a plan to help you out. That he started the season saying he would find a wife this very season and after meeting you and your sister being named the diamond, he has decided he has no desire to marry anymore. It is all quite fascinating.” Repeated their sponsor, making Kate’s skin prickle with awareness.

“Lord Bridgerton does not wish to marry me.” She said, certain.

“And how can you be so sure?”

“Every single time we have spoken he had made sure to say it, Lady Danbury. He has made sure nothing untoward would happen or look like it was happening as to not force us into marriage. I implore you, please do not tell anyone about us meeting before as to not force a wedding we both certainly do not want.” She begged the dowager and she must have seen something in her eyes, because she relented.

“As you wish, my dear. I will gather a list of eligible man for you to check and his name will not be in there.” She told her with a nod and Kate could breathe again. “However, we must invite him and his mother for supper as a token of appreciation for what he has done to ensure your family may have options.” She told her and Kate swallowed hard, she was supposed to never cross paths with him again, however they would be thrust together once again, against their will.

“Of course, Lady Danbury. I feel quite exhausted after the events of the day, may I call for a bath?”

“No worries, dear. You may.”

“I will have it with you, Kate. I need one as well.” Said Edwina standing from her seat and going to take Kate’s arm with a smile.

-

Once they were in their respective baths, Kate let her muscles relax on the warm water and she inhaled the smell of lilies. She felt lighter than she had in years, as she had told her family all of her greatest shames and then some more. She opened her eyes and Edwina’s were trained on her face.

“Everything alright, Bon?” she asked, and her sister nodded.

“I just cannot believe you have done so much all of this time and were planning on doing even more.” She told her, awe in her voice making Kate uncomfortable.

“There is not that much more I would have done. I would have just gone back home so neither you nor mama had to worry about me.” She said feeling a knot on her stomach. What used to feel like the greatest blessing, something to run away to once Edwina and Lord Bridgerton marry, now felt like the worst fate imaginable.

Even when she had made these plans long ago, once she sat with herself and the possibilities of going back to India without her family, it ached in a manner she had not anticipated.

“Yes! Alone! And we would have missed you dearly.” She told her with a whiny voice, Kate wondered when Edwina’s rage started, because it was for sure not at the moment. She was much more doe-eyed and understanding this time around.

Maybe it was because her family heard the truth from her own mouth, or maybe it was because it was so early in the season there was nobody that had caught Edwina’s affections. Maybe it was because once the purple stone gave you your wish, it also granted you the best outcome possible. Maybe this would all be taken away from her in the blink of an eye.

“I could still go back to India alone, Bon.” She reminded her.

“Not if I fall in love with a high-ranking man! Then you could marry someone here and we would still be together!” She insisted, making Kate’s anger start to bubble under the surface.

“Bon, stop. I would still rather go back to India and work as a governess than stay and marry and old Earl who tells me what I can or cannot do.” She said rolling her eyes.

“And what about a Viscount who makes you giggle?” she asked, mischief on her eyes.

“Bon! Whatever are you taking about?” she asked, feeling her cheeks warmer. She had tried not to think too much on how ganging up on Lord Bridgerton with Lady Bridgerton had been so fun, and how he had been exasperated until he was grinning alongside them. She could not allow herself to think about it.

“Oh, Didi. You cannot deny it.” She said with a smirk and having way too much fun, such a contrast to the last time she had spew those words at her, “You have feelings for the Viscount.” She said, matter-of-factly with the smugness only a younger sibling could manage.

“Bon, he does not-”

“I am not asking what he does or does not want. I am asking you, Didi. If the Viscount were to ask for your hand in marriage, would you accept?” she asked, with stars in her eyes. Her little romantic sister.

“Edwina, he would never.” She told her, letting the sadness she felt roll through her words. Edwina’s face fell immediately.

“Whyever not?”

“I could never be a Viscountess, Bon. My father was a merchant and my mother was as low ranking as my father. My only connection to high society is through being a step-daughter of a Lady. That is not enough.” She told her.

“Has the Viscount said that? Is that why he does not wish to marry you?” she asked, suddenly disgusted with the man and she wished she could say yes so that her sister would leave it alone, but she has sworn to being truthful. And she also felt something tugging at her chest when she thought her little sister could think of him that way, she could not do it.

“No, he has not given me a reason for not wanting to marry me, other than not wanting to marry at all. But I can read between the lines, Bon. I know better.” She told her and Edwina opened her mouth to speak again but Kate wished to remain in the peacefulness of her bath for as long as she could. “I do have feelings for him, Bon, but they will pass. After that dinner that Lady Danbury wants to invite him to, I will not have to continue seeing him and the feelings will fade.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because they must.” She replied, echoing the words she had told the Viscount what felt like years ago, in another life. “We have no future together, Bon and that is for the better. I must ask you to please not bring him up again and to help distract me from him at that dinner. Can you do that for me?” she asked, knowing it was a big thing to ask, but also the very first thing she was asking of Edwina in a long time.

“Of course, Didi. I will help you as much as I can to ensure your happiness.” She said with a hopeful smile and even though Kate wanted to continue prodding at her wording, she took a deep breath and let herself submerge under the water.

She was half-tempted to return to India at once.

Chapter Text

Calamitous love and insurmountable grief.

Anthony’s POV

-

He had not wanted to come to this dinner, not only because there was nothing to be thankful for, he had told his mother as much, of course not the part that he would do it again if it meant Miss Sharma would never have to be insulted by the Sheffields, but he did tell her repeatedly there was no need for this dinner. He also told his mother he was busy and that there were many an affair to have in order because this was Eloise’s season after all, but all of this was for naught.

Here he was now, waiting for the Sharmas while Lady Danbury had received them on the foyer. She and his mother had had a telepathic conversation and he sighed. Of course, they would try to meddle, but he was neither Simon nor Daphne, they could not make him marry anyone, not after having so slimly escaped that fate a few days ago.

As he was thinking about what he could be doing instead of being here, the Sharmas came into the drawing room and he swore his breathe was taken away for a second. Miss Sharma’s skin was glowing, she was standing up straighter than ever and there was something about her hair, framing her face that made her look angelic.

If there was one thing he would not do was deny how gorgeous he found her, every single time he had seen her he had thought to himself how stunning she was, but now, looking like she wasn’t being weighed down by her burdens, she looked exquisite.

His stomach did a strange, swirly thing when he realized it was because of something he did. He had helped her find a way to come clean to her family and she was now lighter for it and he wanted to gloat, and annoy her until she smiled at him.

“Good evening, Lady Mary, Miss Sharma, Miss Edwina.” He said before he bowed, but his eyes would only be on Miss Sharma and her newfound lightness.

“Good evening my Lord.” Said the object of his desires and he wondered if she remembered it, if every night she went to bed replaying those secret moments they had shared. If she was still driven to distraction every time he entered a room.

“The cooks have made a wonderful feast for us, shall we?” asked Lady Danbury, and he could tell he was being observed by more people than just her, so he nodded and then forced himself to look at the host. She was assessing him and he did not like that.

“After you, Lady Danbury.” He said extending his arm, she smirked and then everyone walked down the hallway to find their seat.

Lady Danbury sat of course at the head of the table, Lady Mary to her right and his mother to her left, he was sitting by her mother’s side and right in front of him was Miss Sharma. Miss Edwina to her sister’s left.

“We wanted to thank you, my Lord. If you had not made such a wager in Kate’s name, we would be in quite the predicament.” Said Lady Mary with a small smile that did not reach her eyes, was she mad at him?

“There is nothing to thank, Lady Mary. I only listened to your daughter’s knowledge on horses and then put on a wager.” He dismissed, before looking at her again, she was looking at her sister.

“Miss Sharma has informed us that you knew about the predicament they were in, my Lord.” Said Lady Danbury, making him look at her briefly before his gaze went back to Miss Sharma, whose eyes were truly asking him not to say a single word about it. “She told us about your eavesdropping.” The dowager continued, her voice clearly wanting to ask for more information. It was funny, she had been the only one to eavesdrop, he had been told this information firsthand but there was no way of explaining that without revealing too much.

“I will not insult Miss Sharma by sharing this with the table, as I know it was quite a private matter.” He said, nodding to her and he could tell she relaxed visibly.

He was excited by this development, she had never relaxed by anything he had ever said and now, she was relaxed by what he had done and said. He felt electricity on his veins, what else could he do to see her relax? Could he do something to make her smile?

“We thank you for that as well, my Lord.” Said Lady Mary this time, “you keeping this private has allowed us to hatch a plan amongst ourselves.” Continued Lady Mary, he looked at her and she was looking at her daughters. Whatever could that mean?

“I am most glad. I once again assure you; it was nothing.” He repeated, looking at Miss Sharma again and she shook her head as if to say it was not nothing, however she did not fight him this time. She almost smiled. “Would you not say so, Miss Sharma? After all it was your choice and your knowledge what procured you the money.”

“I would not have had the money for such a wager, my Lord. I am most thankful.” She added, her eyes earnest but her face still impassive. Her chin still proud and high.

“Then let us agree it was a team effort.” He said, before he drank some of his wine, hiding a smile in doing so. If he could, he would drink her. Or he would drink wine spilled over her body.

“I hope this is not too forward a question, my Lord.” Said Edwina reminding him that she was at the table. He sobered up immediately and smiled politely to her, to encourage her question. “Why have you changed your mind about marrying this season?” she asked, her big eyes curious. He almost choked on air. She could not want him to marry her again, could she?

“I just… decided.” He told her simply.

“Would anyone be able to change your mind?” she asked again, making everyone around them stiff. Or maybe it was just him.

“No, Miss Edwina.” He said with finality.

“But...”

“Bon, that is enough.” Said Miss Sharma also stiff by her sister’s side and he could breathe a little better knowing that he had an ally on persuading her sister. How different from last time when he was trying to win her over, when the only one against their union was Miss Sharma and he was quite convinced she hated his guts. He knew better now.

“I think what Miss Edwina is saying is that you should open yourself up to options, my Lord.” Said Lady Danbury with a fake smile. What was this about? “Perhaps the young, naïve debutants are not what you are seeking in a wife. Perhaps there are other… options.” Finished the dowager with her eyes moving towards Miss Sharma and Anthony finally understood what this was about.

They wanted him to marry Miss Sharma. Miss Kate Sharma.

For a second, he felt like he could not breathe. His eyes went to the lady in question, could she? No, she was looking at Lady Danbury like she wanted to kill her. Of course, she did not want to marry him herself, this was a ploy by her family to keep her close. Of course, they did not want Miss Sharma to go back to India on her own and for a second, he thought he could.

For a second, he let himself imagine that he could arrange some sort of marriage of convenience so she could stay close to her family. He pictured marrying her, having kids with her, living with her at Bridgerton house, going to Aubrey Hall together, having a life with her until he inevitably dies way too young and she is once again left to pick up the pieces of another family.

He could not do that to her.

“Thank you for your words of… encouragement, Lady Danbury.” He said looking at his plate instead of anyone in the table. “However, I have decided not to marry this season. Maybe not ever.” He continued, making his mother gasp by his side.

“Anthony! You cannot mean that!” she told him, clearly taken aback by his words, but he meant them.

“We will discuss it later, mother. Let us enjoy this amazing dinner, hosted by your good friend Lady Danbury and then we can discuss those matters, privately.” He told her, trying very hard not to look at her, even when he felt her eyes on him.

-

As they entered the carriage, his mother’s eye did not leave him. The dinner had come to an uncomfortable shift after his declaration and nobody seemed to find their footing afterwards. It was, by all accounts, a disaster. And it was of his own making.

As per usual.

Anthony sighed as he looked at the footman close the carriage door and prepared himself mentally for another row with his mother, as grateful as he was to have come back in time to avoid his past mistakes, he had not anticipated how many conversations of disappointment he would have to relive.

“Anthony, have you lost your mind?” asked his mother without much preamble. Anthony signaled for the footman to start the ride and he grinded his teeth.

“I have not. I thought you would be relieved with this outcome.” He replied, trying to delay the inevitable, when he would have to be honest with his mother.

“Whyever would I be relieved of my son never marrying? Anthony, this is unthinkable.” She said with a tremble in his voice, once again, he was disappointing her.

“Mother, did you not tell me I would end up alone? You were right.” She gasped and then tutted, but he did not relent. “I concede to you, I was wrong in pursuing a marriage that was mostly amicable. I do not wish to marry someone I can simply tolerate.” He said, shrugging.

“Then why not pursue a marriage born out of love?” she insisted and he shook his head.

“That is unthinkable, mother.” He insisted and before she could continue trying to persuade him, he decided to give her some modicum of truth. “The issue is that I do not want to bind my life to anyone, mother. I simply wish to continue overseeing you all until it is not my place anymore. Benedict will be a fine Viscount, probably better than me.” He said earnestly. Benedict needed some direction in his life and this might be what did it.

“Benedict does not have what it takes to be a Viscount!” replied his mother as if it was a laughable matter.

“Neither do I, but I had to rise to the occasion nevertheless. The same will be said for Benedict.” He said decidedly. The more he spoke of it, the more he believed it. He was tired of being the Viscount and if Benedict did not want to do some of the more clerical chores of being one, he could help. He did not mind going over ledgers until he grew blind if it meant he did not have to be the Viscount in public.

At least then he could spend the little time he had left in obscurity.

“Anthony.” She said as if it pained her to do so, but he simply pursed his lips. It was decided. He did not want to marry and he did not need to.

His legacy would end with only himself. He did not want to sire an heir, only to let them way too soon and with too many responsibilities. He did not want to know the love experienced by having your own kin and then have to be ripped from them prematurely. It was painful enough to think about leaving Gregory and Hyacinth behind. And Frannie. And Ben and Daphne and Colin. God, even thinking about leaving Eloise hurt him desperately, no matter that she did not hold a single good opinion of him.

“It is decided.” He told her, and she opened her mouth to argue but nothing came out. Good. He was tired of fighting, all he wanted to do now was rest. It had been quite a season. Even though this one was just starting over.

The next day he had broken his fast on his own, before anyone else would rise and then he went straight into his office to work on ledgers and prepare for his new plan. He thought he might have to speak to Benedict about it, but perhaps they would have time soon.

He tried to remember what had happened in this week the time they had lived it before, but all he could remember was Aubrey Hall. He knew there was still at least a week for them to depart and this time, the Sharmas would not come with. Maybe then he could have a conversation with Benedict, the country air would be good for this kind of discussion.

“Dearest,” said his mother suddenly walking through his office doors, he lifted his eyes and nodded, wanting her to tell him whatever it was she wanted to say. “I have decided we are in need of some fresh air and it would surely serve Eloise well in the eyes of the Ton to see us all united in a promenade.”

“Do you expect me to join?” he asked, already weary of it. Maybe it would be a good way to keep his mind away from the somber thoughts that had occupy it as of late.

“Yes. You are the house of this household, dearest. Even when you do not wish to be.” She replied, looking saddened all of a sudden and this, opposed to her disappointment every time they talked, seemed to be worst in his eyes. He was just not ready for it.

“I will be there, then.” He promised, trying to smile for her. She smiled back, with a tinge of sadness still.

“We leave in three quarters of an hour.” She told him instead of telling her the reason for her blue countenance and then turned around. Anthony tried to dot every t and point every i as he worked, so he wouldn’t have to come back to a sea of ledgers, they did have to go to a ball the next day, after all.

Before he could finish them, however, it was time for him to go freshen up before leaving for the promenade and he asked for his valet as he walked to his room.

As his valet helped him into his clothes, he looked at himself in the mirror and realized why his mother had looked upon him with such sadness. It was all over his own face. He wasn’t scowling as he easily did, there was a quiet resignation coloring his eyes and his features were all downturned.

He tried to smile at himself in the mirror, if his heart was broken and his future bleak, it would be internal. He could not show it to the Ton and certainly, he did not want the kids to notice. He just needed to survive this one season and then, when Miss Sharma left for India and he for the country, it would pass, as she had told him.

It had to.

-

Kate’s POV

-

She looked up to the sky as they left the carriage to take their promenade, it was a bit cloudy, but there were some rays of sunshine coming through. They had come from seeing the Queen and her many animals. She had acted as if they were not sharing a secret for almost all of the visit. Lady Danbury had been whispering with her and Kate did wonder if her sponsor was privy to the stone itself, however, no conversation was had about it in front of the Dowager.

The Queen had barely paid attention to Kate and that had relaxed her, she seemed a lot more intent in paying attention to her diamond and for that, Kate was thankful, however, as they were about to depart the Queen called for Kate.

All of her initial nerves came back to her as she walked towards the Queen, who was overlooking her zebras. Lady Danbury was looking at her with some suspicion, but stayed behind keeping Edwina company.

In the end, she had only asked how much time had it been between the start of the season and her use of the stone. Kate told her the number of weeks and the Queen nodded. “There is still time, then.” She said simply. Kate looked at her questioningly, but the Queen continued looking forward.

Later, before they said their goodbyes, the Queen had whispered something into her ear that had left her reeling. “We all have free will, Miss Sharma, however, our fate is already written.”

This is what Kate was pondering about when Lady Danbury had insisted that they needed to socialize; she was sure Edwina needed to show her face even more in society shall she want suitors of more import to come forth.

She took a deep breath, trying to keep that conversation away from her mind and focusing on the task at hand. If there was one thing she had been thankful for was that once her sister would become a Viscountess, she would be free to leave this country and all of their social obligations and now, because she and the Viscount had traveled through time, she had to do it all over again.

She consoled herself with the knowledge that they had saved her sister from an unthinkable union; he did not love her and Edwina would have been most unhappy had they ever marry. That was what she repeated to herself constantly. And the fact that she should never see the offspring her sister and the Viscount would produce. She suppressed the shudder that run through her spine by imagining it.

“Has none of your suitors really piqued your interest, Bon?” she asked as a distraction as they started walking side by side, with their mother and sponsor in front of them.

“Not really, no. Lord Lumley seems nice, however he was rather dull. Mr. Thornbridge was nice, but he is a third son, so not someone I can consider when it comes to the dowry.” She told her as if she was speaking of the weather.

“Bon, you have options. We have secured a second dowry for you,” she told her, trying to get her to listen.

“Didi, we have two dowries. We are two sisters. I do not mind closing my options just a fraction, so I can have my sister close by.” She said nodding at herself, as if proud of her own mind.

And she should be. Kate felt her chest swell with pride and affection at her sister, she could not believe she had been denying herself the possibility of being seen as a priority in her family for so many years, because this felt incredible.

She had forgotten what it was like.

“This is precisely why I did not want to tell you; I do not want you to slim your chances. I believe I can be quite happy as a governess.” She told her, because old habits die hard.

“Oh, Didi, stop. You shall also be quite happy having children of your own, close to me and mama.” She said more forcefully this time.

Kate wanted to say something again, however, she felt like someone was looking at her and before she could fully turn her head towards where the sensation was coming from, she heard Lady Danbury’s voice.

“Lady Bridgerton! What a treat to the eyes to see all of your family this fine afternoon!” She said coming to a stop, as the whole Bridgerton brood stopped as well.

“Lady Danbury, what a surprise.” Said the Dowager, however Kate could tell it was not so true. Her eyes moved to their own accord towards the Viscount, who seemed to be suspicious of his mother’s words as well. Kate raised an eyebrow and he rolled his eyes.

She couldn’t help but to smile, they are ridiculous, her smile seemed to say. He gave her a small smile back, I know, said his back.

She had to look away from him then, because his rare smile did something to her insides, yes, but also because there was something in his eyes at the sight of her, something that looked a lot like yearning. She could not allow herself to see it, though.

“Should you like to join us, Lady Bridgerton?” asked her sponsor, of course. Kate looked at her sister, who was vibrating with energy and it took all in Kate not to roll her eyes as well.

She wasn’t sure if she liked the fact that Edwina didn’t want to marry the Viscount herself, as she now seemed quite intent on making her marry him, maybe she should try and get the stone again and start over. Maybe she could wish to never have come to England.

No, she shook herself out of the thought. They needed to come so Edwina could find a husband, someone who she loved and someone who could offer her security. Maybe she should have stayed back and let them come alone.

Everyone curtsied to her mother and she noticed Lady Mary was looking at Lord Bridgerton quite intently, he seemed uncomfortable under her gaze and then, her mother looked at her. There was something that hadn’t been there before. Something she had lost alongside her husband. She seemed protective of Kate.

“How are you this fine evening, Miss Sharma?” asked Mr. Bridgerton with an easy smile, making Kate look back at him. She curtsied before she smiled at him. Everyone started walking and Kate could feel Lord Bridgerton’s eyes on her. He remained standing as everyone continued walking, so he could end up by his brother’s side.

“I am quite well, Mr. Bridgerton.” She replied, trying not to look at his elder brother.

“Oh, please. Call me Benedict. We are to spend a lot more time together, we need no formalities.” He said with a jovial smile and Kate frowned at that.

“Whatever do you mean by spending more time together?” she asked looking suspiciously at him, he chuckled.

“Miss Sharma, I do not intend to insult your intelligence by denying it. You must have noticed this was not a surprise at all.” He told her, still taking this too light for her liking.

“That I have of course realized, Mr.- Benedict.” She corrected, “What I do not understand is why we shall see each other more often.” She continued, she could feel Lord Bridgerton’s intense brooding from the right side of his brother, however, she did not look.

“Well… should I say, or should you, brother?” he asked, forcing her to look at the most exasperating man in all of London. All of England, probably.

“I am not quite sure I know what you mean, brother,” he replied. His eyes on Kate’s.

She felt a whole-body shudder at his undivided attention. How could he do that so easily? And why did she want more of it? The man had clearly said he did not wish to marry her or anyone for that matter and she still wanted to have his eyes on her. She loved torture apparently.

“Oh, mother is quite obstinate when it comes to her children marrying.” He said, shrugging. “Apparently she wants you to marry one of the Sharma sisters, which one could it be?” he asked, taunting his brother. Kate looked at her sister, she seemed to be in stitches.

“She will not be successful on her endeavor. I am as obstinate as she is.” Said the Viscount, ignoring his brother’s question and making Edwina frown.

“I hope he does not mean me.” Said her little sister, making Kate frown.

“Edwina!” said Kate, more out of habit of chastising her when she spoke out of turn than because she had disparaged the Viscount.

“I mean no disrespect my Lord!” she said hastily, making Kate smile at her blushed complexion. She looked at Lord Bridgerton, trying to gather if he was being charmed by her sister, but even though he was smiling at her, as soon as she looked at him his eyes moved towards her.

It was most unsettling.

“That is quite alright, Miss Edwina. I believe we would not suit.” He told her, simply. Kate broke the visual contact to look at her sister, who seemed to be over the moon about his declaration. Kate couldn’t believe she was the same girl crying to her a few nights back saying she loved the Viscount.

“I am very much of the same opinion, my Lord. Plus, I could not marry someone who is so intent on showing my sister attention, instead of me.” She said with a smirk, making Kate and the Viscount pale in a second. They both looked away and he excused himself so he could walk by his mother’s side.

“Edwina!” she chastised again.

“What? Too forward?” she asked acting all innocent, making Benedict chuckle.

“I like you, Miss Edwina.” He said with a mischievous smile, “you will fit quite well within the family.”

“Oh, I cannot wait.” Replied her treacherous Bon with giddiness.

“I think you are both forgetting we are not to be family.” Said Kate looking at them both as if they had lost their minds.

“We shall see.” Said Benedict before winking and walking faster, towards his brother.

These Bridgertons would be the death of her.

Chapter Text

Those Windermere peaks look like the perfect place to cry

Kate’s POV

Edwina was dancing with one of her suitors, a Lord Cho. Kate wasn’t sure she liked the fella, he seemed to always be accompanied by the rake Fife and some other unpleasant guy she forgot the name of right now. However, he seemed to not be too forward and Edwina seemed pleased as well.

She would allow the dance; however, she would ask her sister what she thought of him. Kate had been too distracted with her own dilemmas to pay too much attention to her sister and that would not do, she was not in this country for herself, she had come here for her baby sister.

“Dearest, why do you not carry a dance card?” asked Mary coming to her from her right. In her hand a dance card and pencil.

“Mary, you know I do not wish to dance. I am here to watch Edwina and see to her prospects.” She replied with a frown, had Mary been able to read her mind, somehow?

“I can watch over Edwina; you shall have fun too.” She told her, taking the dance card and wrapping it around her wrist.

“I do not think anyone would want to dance with me.” She whispered as Mary finished her knot.

“Oh, I think you are quite mistaken.” She told her with a small smile, then her eyes moved across the room and of course, he was watching them. His eyes opened comically at being caught staring and he turned to his mother. “Lord Bridgerton seems interested in everything you do, my dear.” Continued Mary, making Kate turn to look at her instead of the bane of her existence.

“Does it truly matter, though?” she asked, feeling herself aggravated. This endeavor the mamas and Lady Danbury were pushing; it would come to nothing more than heartbreak and she was so tired of being heartbroken. “He does not wish to marry, mama. I do not wish to marry.” She insisted and Mary tsked.

“You are so alike.” She said shaking her head. “You are both obstinate and rebellious. And it will come to a pass. You will realize it soon enough.” She said nodding at the end as if convincing herself too.

“Lady Danbury put you up to this, did she not?” she asked and the sigh that her mother expelled told her it was true, “you do not have to do everything she tells you to do. You do know that, correct?”

“I do. However, I have ignored my duties to you for far too long. I cannot believe that he knew a way of helping you, of helping our family and I did not. It is unforgivable.” She said with her eyes glassy. Kate wished she could hug her and tell her the whole truth, tell her how this was her own fault, how everything had crumbled around her on that fateful dinner. But she could not.

“Mama, it was not by choice. If I could have, I would have taken the secret to my grave.” She told her truthfully.

“I know you would have, darling. That is why I am most ashamed. It should have been me who carried that responsibility, that weight. Never you.” Mary swiped at her eyes, her pretty face stained by sadness and Kate did not want to ever see her this sad again.

“Let us forget about that, shall we? Can we start over?” she asked putting her hands on Mary’s shoulders, trying to steel her.

“Can you ever truly start over?” she asked in turn.

“I am not sure.” She replied honestly and Mary nodded. When Kate’s eyes moved up to check if anyone had seen their interaction, her eyes found his.

-

After supper she had already danced twice: with Lord Cho and one Mr. Bagwell, who asked her a lot about India and her sister, and her card was currently being signed by one Benedict Bridgerton.

“I am not so sure I can dance three dances in once night, Benedict. I am not my sister.” She told him and he smiled easily.

“Well, it will require practice for sure Miss Sharma, however, I will assist you. I insist.” He said with a wink and Kate was suddenly overcome by the feeling of knowing him and knowing nothing about him at all.

Last time they had merely had interactions at Aubrey Hall and she was not sure if that was the feeling that overcame her, or if it had to do with his resemblance to his serious older brother. They both had the same shade of brown on their hair and they shared some gestures, however, where Anthony Bridgerton was serious and broody, Benedict would accompany them with a smile or a playful countenance.

They could not be more alike and more different indeed.

“If you insist on me calling you Benedict, I guess you shall call me Kate.” She told him as they walked towards the dance floor.

“Oh, my brother would hate it. I will be most delighted.” He told her and then he chuckled. Kate couldn’t help but laugh at the admission.

“He hates most things.” She said shrugging one shoulder before positioning herself in front of her dance partner.

“He does not, however, hate you.” He told her with a smirk and Kate could feel her face heating. As if summoned by their conversation, Lord Bridgerton appeared behind his brother, nursing a glass of lemonade and looking at them as if he wanted to kill them both. Or maybe only Benedict.

They started their dance, and Kate didn’t know how to reply to that, so she just moved through the steps, trying very hard not to look at the Viscount.

“Has he said why he is suddenly eager not to marry?” she asked, unable to keep herself from doing so.

“No. He owes me a conversation.” He said before taking her hands and turning her so her back was to his front. He was a bit closer to be proper and somehow, she was looking directly at the Viscount. He seemed about to shatter the glass in his hands. His whole body was pulled taut and his face showed anger, rage even. “That is why I am torturing him.” He whispered on her ear and she noticed Anthony Bridgerton’s nostrils flare.

“Whatever do you mean?” she asked, looking straight at the elder Bridgerton. His eyes were flames and it seemed like he was about to snap. Benedict pulled her back and she was now on the other side, the second son in the middle of her and the Viscount and she could breathe again.

She noticed, belatedly, that when she and the Viscount had shared a dance much like this one, when Edwina had wanted for the Viscount to ask for her blessing, she had felt him everywhere. His hands, his breathing, his presence enveloped her whole, whereas with Benedict, it didn’t matter that he was closer than appropriate because she felt nothing.

It wasn’t until Anthony Bridgerton’s eyes fired up with rage and unbidden jealousy that she felt her whole body tingle again. Would she ever stop feeling this way?

“You know exactly what I mean, Miss Sharma.” He told her cheekily.

“I told you, you can call me Kate.” She replied as she moved with the music.

“I am waiting for him to hear it when I do.” Kate chuckled at that, he was so mischievous.

“Is this revenge, then?” she asked as she turned and there he was again, staring. “For making you become his heir?”

“No. This is about him not asking about it, Miss Sharma.”

“Have you ever done something and not ask your brother about it?” she asked, curious all of a sudden.

“Many a time, for certain. However, this is different.” He replied with an undertone to her jovial voice that she hadn’t heard before, “He is always moaning about his duties and about how he exempts us from having to do right by society and yet, here he is, unloading a duty onto me without even asking for my opinion.” He continued, his face acquiring a little more seriousness and this time Kate could see a lot more of their resemblance.

“He does seem to be a very serious, rigorous man, for certain, although I had not pegged him for someone who complains easily, of course, I do not know him as much as you do.” She told him, but there was something she did not like about what he said. “However, did anyone ask him? When he became a Viscount the moment your father died?” she asked again, Benedict froze for a second and then continued dancing, much more robotic and flushed on the face.

Kate did not want to defend Anthony because of who he was or because of the effect he had on her. She wanted to defend him because she understood him. He told her not long ago that he knew what it was like to be cornered onto a decision one would not have liked to make and she knew he was not referencing marrying Edwina. It was about taking on the role of a protector, of a provider in the face of grief.

She understood him and now that her family was prioritizing her as well, now that she felt their support and love in a manner she hadn’t in a long time, she felt sad for him. All of these brothers and sisters and not one seemed to show empathy for him the way they should.

“I was not expecting that, Kate.” Said Benedict after a moment of silence, their dance was about to conclude and he smiled at her. “You are very observant,” he said the moment the music stopped and then, “You will make a great Viscountess.” He bowed, and she curtsied trying to stop her stammering heart.

Why would he say that? Why was everyone so intent on making them marry each other?

“Miss Sharma, may I have the pleasure of your next dance?” asked Lord Bridgerton by his brother’s side. When had he approached? Would have he heard Benedict’s words?

“You may,” she said instead of asking those questions. He took her card and wrote his name on in and then, the three of them walked together, Kate’s arm in Benedict’s, towards their mothers whispering in a corner with Lady Danbury.

She didn’t want to think about Benedict’s words, but they were still in the back of her mind. The Viscount offered her a refreshment and she simply nodded, because she didn’t trust her voice. Her? Kathani Sharma, daughter of a merchant, a Viscountess? That was ludicrous! That was not her fate.

She couldn’t say she didn’t yearn for it, though. When Lord Bridgerton gave her the glass he had fetched for her, their fingers touched and she felt her stomach erupt with butterflies and she could tell by the manner in which his eyes lingered, that he was feeling something too.

What would she give to read his mind!

Too soon it was time for them to dance, he took her hand to escort her to the dance floor and she felt everyone’s eyes on them. She knew more people than their families were looking, however she could not take her eyes off his.

He was a magnet and she was too weak to resist it.

“You did not dance this many times, before.” He said, gesturing with his head, implying he meant their other life, where he almost married her sister. Kate tried not to think too much about it, however, now that Benedict had brought forth the topic of the Viscountess, she could not resist the anger taking hold of her.

Anger at him for clearly feeling something for her, being the object of all his desires as he said and yet not wanting to marry her. Was it just because of her station? Was he such a weak man that he could not marry the person he wanted to marry because of what the people would say?

“I was busy then, trying to keep you away from my sister.” She replied trying to portray her disdain on her words.

“Even after the engagement, you did not seem inclined to dance.” He said instead of taking the bait, making her even more angry.

“I was busy planning your wedding.”

“Miss Sharma, keep your voice down.” He said, face hard with anger too. Good.

“There is nobody listening, my Lord. Only me and you.” She told him, he pursed his lips before twirling her around and then stayed quiet for a moment.

“Can you ever just agree?” he asked, aggravated.

“I shall not.” She said when he put his arms around her.

“You have been like this from the moment we first met in those woods. Obstinate. Inflexible, unyielding to good, plain common sense.” He spat on her face, making her anger bubble up inside of her.

“Well, I can certainly understand why that would be so troubling for a man like you.” She told him, his lips parted in surprise at her admission, but she continued, “a man used to always getting his way, a man used to giving orders-”

“I do not give orders.” He interrupted her.

“You give me orders and you expect me to listen. I do not listen!” She told him while they danced away from each other.

“Perhaps you should.” He said moving closer to her this time, his anger written all over his face.

“I shall never listen to you! Or to anyone I wholeheartedly disagree with!” she seethed trying to keep her voice down but her breathing was coming harder and so was his, his nostrils flared up and his eyes were molten fire. “The fact that it has taken you this long to come to terms with that fact-”

“You wish to know why?” he asked grabbing her waist with a little more force than necessary.

“I am uncertain you even know why.” She replied moving closer than proper.

“I know why.” He asserted twirling them both around, his eyes flickered to her lips momentarily.

“Oh, here we go. Enthrall me with your self-knowledge and awareness.” She said trying to muster the anger and not the desire filling her gut.

“It is because I have never met anyone like you. It is maddening.” He told her in a whisper, so close that if she were to move one inch they would be kissing, however, the music stopped and the people around them separated and Lord Bridgerton looked like he wanted to say more, however, he peeled himself from her, looking like it pained him to do so, bowed his head and then walked away.

Kate took a deep breath before joining her mother, who was looking curiously at her, as if she wanted to know what they had been arguing about on the dance floor, but she could not tell her.

She looked at Edwina dancing with a new suitor she had not seen before and kept her eyes trained on her for the rest of the evening, not even touching the glass of lemonade Lord Bridgerton had brought her before, as if that could somehow distance her from him.

However, she knew that it was futile. There was something about Lord Bridgerton that was already wrapped around her, something pulling her closer and no matter what she did, she could not untie it from herself or him.

He did not come back to the corner the Sharmas, Lady Danbury and Lady Bridgerton were at and she thanked the gods for it. She needed to breathe and to try to distance herself from him as soon as possible.

“Oh, Lady Mary, the most wonderful news have come tonight.” Said Lady Danbury later as they were waiting for the carriage to get them home.

“Yes, Lady Danbury?” asked their mother, trying to act like she didn’t know what their sponsor was about to say, but Kate knew her too well. This was being played for her benefit.

“Lady Bridgerton has invited all four of us to her country home, Aubrey Hall, for a few days before her Hearts and Flowers ball, is it not wonderful?” she asked while Kate’s eyes almost popped out of her skull.

“We cannot.” She said, her breathing already coming harder, remembering how this trip was precisely what started everything between her and the Viscount.

“We cannot deny her, this is a privilege not many are privy to, Miss Sharma. We shall travel within the next two days.” Said the dowager as if it was final and Kate’s heart squeezed on her chest.

“What if I do not go? I feel like I might be starting to feel ill.” She lied with desperation apparent in her voice. Mary’s face was shocked, she was not used to her oldest daughter running away scared, but Kate didn’t know what else to do. She was so tired of all of it, she just wanted a few days of peace and no Lord Bridgerton.

“Oh, we shall fetch the doctor in the morrow and he can examine you.” Said the dowager undeterred and Kate sighed. Edwina was smiling by her side.

“And what about Edwina’s prospects? Should she not stay behind? I can stay with her.”

“Nonsense. This way she will only grow her desirability. The ton will miss her and she shall be even more glorious for it.” Replied Lady Danbury, something in her eyes told her that there was no use trying to escape this, so Kate stopped complaining, she merely nodded before letting her eyes move towards the carriage coming for them.

The Queen’s words rang into her ears once again, “We all have free will, Miss Sharma, however, our fate is already written.” Was that part of her fate? Going to Aubrey Hall and falling deeper in love with the Viscount, only to then have her heartbroken at the end of her stay?

How could she fight it? How would she untie herself if she kept being pushed towards him?

-

Anthony’s POV

-

Anthony was stewing, not just because his brother had dance so close to Miss Sharma that it set a jealousy alight in his whole body, but also because she did not seem to see to reason and neither did him. He did not have to dance with her, he did not have to be close to her and yet, he could not stop himself.

It was not just because of his jealousy that he had wanted to dance with her, he had wanted to ask her about the conversation she had had with Lady Mary, it had seemed intense when her step-mother had come with a dance card for her and they had looked directly at him. He wanted to know what it all meant, what did she think of everyone pushing them together? Was she agreeable?

He was gathering his siblings to go back home distractedly thinking of everything when Dorset came close to him and tapped his back a little more forcefully than necessary. Great. Exactly what he needed.

“Dorset. How are you this fine evening?” he asked, trying to act as if he was delighted to see him.

“Surprised would be a good word for it, I would say.” He told him, tight smile in his face and Anthony sighed. This would be a long conversation.

“Whyever is that?”

“I saw you today, dancing with the elder Miss Sharma. I examined quite close the manner in which you regarded her the whole night.”

“That is most unsettling, Dorset.” He tried to joke, however his tone was too hard for it to land.

“As it is to notice I have been led astray. You told me not to listen to Lady Danbury, acting as my good friend, when in reality you were protecting your own interests.” He continued, Anthony took his arm and moved him towards a quiet corner, somewhere without the prying eyes and ears of the Ton.

“I do not know what you mean.” He lied through his teeth.

“You are courting her, that is why you did not wish me to interfere. I do not understand.” He said, aggravated.

“I am not courting her.” He seethed.

“Are you not? It certainly looks like it. Then why did you not want me to court her?”

“I told you, I was only looking out for you.” He lied again, he did not care what Dorset thought of him after this conversation, he could not stomach seeing him again.

“Please, I am not a simpleton Bridgerton.” He seethed this time and Anthony was surprised to see him upset, but felt vindicated somehow. “What I do not understand is why would you feel threatened by me? I am a second son and you are a Viscount.”

“I am not threatened by you, Dorset.” He told him baring his teeth at him. Dorset seemed taken aback and Anthony took a deep breath before he did something stupid. “I am not courting Miss Sharma and you should not, either. She is leaving for India once her sister marries.”

“Unless she marries herself.” Said Dorset, making Anthony frown. He could not mean that.

“Are you suggesting you want to marry her?” he asked, somehow closer to Dorset, trying to intimidate him.

“Well, if you are so decidedly not courting her, I see no issues with me doing it.” He said before he nodded and walked away. Anthony had to calm himself counting to a hundred and seventeen instead of going behind the man to challenge him on a duel for Miss Sharma’s hand. Every ten seconds he had to remind himself that he had no plans of marrying her himself.

-

Anthony was in his office after the ball, drinking some whiskey to wind down after the emotions of the day, as he watched the fire move on the fireplace. It looked a lot like Miss Sharma’s eyes when she was furious at him.

“I thought I might find you here,” said Benedict coming into the room.

Anthony had wanted some time on his own, but he couldn’t delay this conversation more, especially after seeing him using Miss Sharma to get back at him. The sooner he did this, the sooner she would be out of his life.

“Would you like a glass?” he asked, already pouring the amber liquid into a tumbler. His brother took it with a nod.

“Are you going to explain yourself, brother?” asked Benedict, before taking a sip. Anthony looked up at their father’s portrait and wondered what words he would use for this kind of conversation. Would he use the kinder words he used so well? Would he hammer down on the point of his duty in the way he usually only reserved for him?

“I have found myself without alternative, brother.” He said instead of the other two, perhaps he needed to take a page out Miss Sharma’s book and be honest. Perhaps then he would find the lightness he had been seeing in her since that dinner he ruined. “I cannot marry and therefore, cannot sire an heir.” He said simply, letting his despair color his words.

“What about Miss Sharma?” asked Benedict earnestly confused instead of whatever tantrum he had imagined.

“What about her?” he asked, deflecting as he so usually did when it came to her.

“Oh, come off it, brother. You have feelings for her, we can all see it. Even Colin has started to notice, with you staring at her across the room and then dancing with only her.” He replied haughtily. Anthony had the decency to not deny it this time, which only encouraged the second son, “I shall not even be surprised when Lady Whistledown reports on it.”

“Let us hope she will not. We must spare Miss Sharma as much attention as we can. Tonight will be the last time I dance with her,” he told him before drinking his glass dry.

“Oh, and what will happen on the next ball, when some eligible bachelor decides to dance with her? Will you be content watching from afar?” He asked, looking angry all of a sudden.

“I shall not be looking at her anymore. You are right, I have been most reckless. That ends tonight.”

“Anthony!” he said exasperated and he wondered how he had acquired the gift of exasperating even the most nonchalant of his siblings. “She would be the perfect Viscountess. And you want her to be, why are you not courting her?”

“I cannot marry her.”

“You already said that, brother, why?”

“Because I love her!” he shouted. Benedict seemed taken aback by his outburst and even more bewildered by his answer.

“The more reason to marry her!”

“Benedict, I cannot.” He replied simply, he was crestfallen to finally admit out loud that he loved her, only when saying he could not marry her. He wished he would have been able to tell her. Maybe on their other life he could have, just the one time before they had to continue playing their roles.

“I do not understand brother, why are you making yourself and her this miserable?”

“I am doing this for her, she deserves much more than I can ever give her.”

They were silent for a moment, Anthony thought this meant Benedict agreed. How could he, serious, pompous, stubborn Anthony Bridgerton make witty, intelligent, charming Kate Sharma happy? There was no world, no life where that could happen and his brother agreed. That broke his heart a bit more.

“You have this habit of making decisions for others and taking on the burden, only to then fault them for what you did. Do not do that to Miss Sharma. That is something she does not deserve.” He told her standing up, his eyes hard and Anthony found himself he welcomed his anger, he wanted his anger more than any other emotion.

“You are right, she deserves everything I cannot provide for her. She deserves happiness, love, stability, and so much more. I would forever be lacking.” He continued, serving himself another cup. He knew he was being pathetic but he could not find it in himself to care after the day he had.

“What is all of this? What are you punishing yourself for?” asked Benedict, his eyes stormy and confused. He looked as if he didn’t recognize his brother.

“I am merely saving her from an unthinkable fate, Benedict. You will see in time.” He finished, drinking more of his poison.

“When did you become a coward?” he asked, surprising him. Anthony just gave him a sordid smile.

“I have always been a coward, brother. I have just been good at concealing it.”

Benedict shook his head and walked towards the door, however before he could leave, he turned and looked at his older brother again.

“She almost made me understand you, you know?” he told him, face serious.

“Miss Sharma?” he asked, wanting to absorb anything that had to do with her even when he planned to do nothing more with it than to replay it on his mind until the day he died.

“She inquired about me using her to punish you and when I told her it was because you did not consult me before using me as your heir, she said something very insightful.” He continued, his jaw tight and Anthony wished he could be like his brother. He wished he could be carefree and playful and just have this sort of conversation with people. No, not with people, with her.

“What was it?”

“I said that you did not ask for my opinion before making the decision and she said that nobody asked you either. That you just had all of these responsibilities the moment father died and I told her she was most observant. I told her she would make a perfect Viscountess.”

“Why would you tell her that?” asked Anthony, more concerned about sparing her feelings than about realizing she understood him. He would replay this moment later, in his room and dissect all the words Benedict said and all the words she said.

“Because I did not think my brother would be such a coward imbecile as to let the love of his life slip through his fingers.” He said, disappointment dripping from his words and Anthony felt ashamed in a way he hadn’t before.

“She will get over it soon enough!” he said trying to be dismissive, but he could hear the strain in his voice. He was used to disappointing their mother, but never Benedict. His brother shook his head and then left him to his own devices.

Anthony nursed his glass for an hour after being left alone. He thought about her, about her beautiful face, her fierce eyes, her sharp tongue and the way her skin glowed on the ballroom. If only Benedict knew he was only thinking about her life by making this decision, he was sparing her grief and loneliness and becoming a dowager Viscountess too soon.

If only he knew. If only she knew.

Chapter Text

I want to watch wisteria grow right over my bare feet

Anthony’s POV

Anthony was looking through the window as his sister and her son arrived on Aubrey Hall. His many siblings were intent on saying hello and egg Daphne on when it came to pall mall and Anthony remembered this moment, he would seek out his family’s help to win over Miss Edwina and Miss Sharma in the process.

How different things were now.

He knew now what he needed to avoid, most of all, he could not fall into the mud and laugh with her, he could not feel panic rising in his throat as he saw her being stung by a bee, he could not stand so close to her their breaths intermingled, he could not, under any circumstance go into the library late at night and see her with her hair down and only wearing a nightgown.

He had to avoid being found by Daphne in his office with Miss Sharma in his arms, so close he could almost taste her, like his life depended on it. And it might.

“Are you quite well, brother?” asked Daphne, making him come back to the present. “You seem flush.”

“I am well, sister.” He said while moving towards the couch, there was no use in staring through the window, as he knew she would not be arriving for a couple more hours.

“He is probably thinking about one of our guests.” Teased Colin, making Anthony and Benedict scowl. Anthony had not spoken to Benedict since their argument and he was most regretful of it. He had been weak and pathetic and he had never wanted to show that side of him to any of his siblings.

“Oh, we have guests?” asked Daphne most intrigued. Of course.

“Yes, mother thought it a good idea to invite Lady Danbury and her wards for the season.” He replied, trying not to let it see how much it infuriated him. He was the man of the house, was he not? Yet, his mother had not asked him before inviting them and the invitation had already been issued and accepted before he had any say on it.

“They wanted to enjoy some peace and quiet. I only thought it a most natural offer, they have had quite the season.” Replied their mother, looking too smug for his liking. Anthony pursed his lips and saw how Daphne’s eyes lit up at the exchange.

“Have you changed your mind again, brother? Are you interested in one of the guests?” she asked, excited.

“No.” he replied, trying to remain neutral but his hands itched.

“Yes.” Replied all of his siblings in varied tones, from excitement to disappointment.

“Benedict, do you not approve?” asked Daphne, bewildered.

“She is not the issue, Daph. Anthony is.” He told her with a scowl, most unbecoming of Benedict.

“I do not believe I have ever seen you this upset over something that has nothing to do with you.” Said Eloise, voicing everyone’s opinion.

“Oh, are you saying I lack empathy, sister?” he asked, making Eloise’s eyes widen comically. She was not expecting Benedict to reply like that, none of them did.

“Brother, shall we go into the study and have a conversation?” asked Anthony, thinking about reigning him in before the Sharmas arrival.

“Have you changed your mind?” he asked, too petulant for his taste.

“No.” he replied flatly.

“Then, I do not wish to speak with you.” Said Benedict crossing his arms.

“Well, is this not interesting? Here, I thought you were the only sibling Anthony listened to.” Said Daphne with a frown and Anthony wished he could take the stone again and go back in time all the way to being born, perhaps he could convince their parents not to have this many children.

“He never listens.” Tutted Benedict looking somewhere else. “I apologize, Eloise.” He continued, a little red in the face and Anthony wished once again he could go back in time, this time to something more measured. Maybe not opening his heart to Benedict would have been more appropriate.

“Children, please do behave once our visitors arrive.” Instructed their mother with a worried frown and everyone simply nodded. Anthony kept his eyes trained on the carpet but he could feel everyone’s eyes on him at all times. Even when they were in conversation about various topics, he could feel their worry and intrigue, making him want to rip his hair out in anger.

But also, he wanted to sink into the ground and ask what they would do in his stead. He shook his head of that idea the moment it occurred to him, Anthony Bridgerton did not request for help. He would not have it, either way. They didn’t know what it was like to be the responsible one for the whole household, they didn’t know what it was like to fight for the family he had.

They did not know the sacrifices one must make in order for everyone around him to grow. He would be the one who died in order for them to bloom. That was his role.

“My Lady, it is time for your guests to arrive.” Said Mrs. Wilson to their mother and they all walked to the entry.

“Ben.” Called Anthony, staying a little bit behind as everyone ran to the door. His brother hesitated, but still stayed back with him. “I did not wish for this to create a barrier between us, I was in my cups and I said more than I should have.” He said instead of apologizing, he wasn’t sure what he could be apologizing for. He merely told the truth.

“You should have said more then, brother. As it stands, I do not understand you.”

“There is no need to understand me, brother. I simply wish for you to be the one to take my place when the time comes and I wish for us to enjoy the time we have left.” He said, earnest, he did not like it when Benedict was mad at him.

“We have our whole lives ahead of us Anthony, you speak as if you were to drop dead tomorrow!” he said bewildered, and when Anthony didn’t respond, something downed on Benedict. “Brother-” he started, but Anthony could not let him finish.

“Can we just enjoy these weeks in the country? Let us forget I said anything, let us forget we talked in my study and let us forget I mentioned anything else.” He urged his brother, there was nothing he could say that would change his mind and Ben just shook his head once more.

“What about Miss Sharma?” he asked.

“What about her?” he asked affronted.

“Should she not know why you are acting so erratic? Should you not tell her why you cannot stay away from her and yet refuse to court her?”

“I will stay away from her.” He promised, making Benedict take his face in his hands.

“You are impossible, Anthony Bridgerton.” He told him.

“See? She is better off without me.” He tried to tease, but it came out as sad as he felt.

“She would be better off knowing the truth,” he insisted and this time, instead of anger towards his older brother, all that there was in his eyes was sadness. Pity. Anthony hated it even more.

“Let us go. We must welcome our guests.” He said walking away from his brother, Benedict jogged behind him and then walked by his side with his hand on Anthony’s back. He literally had his back.

Anthony felt his eyes sting at the thought and he had to breathe hard to stop the emotion from bubbling out of him. This was not the moment to feel like this, not when he would be in the intoxicating presence of one Miss Sharma in a few minutes.

They walked outside and waited under the sun for a few moments, until the carriage showed itself. Benedict’s hand was still on his back and Anthony could feel his breathing quickening, he remembered the time this happened before, her appreciative eyes on his home. The way she looked in purple. God, he missed seeing her beautiful face.

What would he do once she left?

The carriage stopped and of course, Miss Sharma was the first to come out of it. This time, she said hello to everyone with her family instead of running off to the side, where he would talk to her and where Daphne would mistake her for her sister.

“How was your ride, Miss Edwina?” he asked once he realized he hadn’t said anything at all and he decidedly would not be asking questions to Miss Sharma, no matter how much he had missed her voice and her eyes.

“Most pleasant, my Lord. Thank you for asking,” she said concealing a frown, Anthony nodded and tried very hard not to look at Miss Sharma, however, her sister’s eyes went to the lady and then she opened her mouth. “My sister here had a less pleasant trip.” She told him, cornering him into speaking to Miss Sharma.

She was smart indeed, but how could she not? She was a Sharma after all.

“Is that true, Miss Sharma?” he asked, trying to only look at her in a perfunctory manner, however, as soon as their eyes met, he was hooked. He could not look away.

“It is not. The trip was pleasant enough.” She told him, her chin up high and her eyes showing her discontent with her sister.

“Then whyever would your sister say you did not?” he asked before he could help himself.

“Because she seems to want to vex me.” She replied, her lips pursed and his heart started beating wildly as he remembered how much he vexed her. How she had looked in the fireplace light at this very same house as she yelled at him, seconds before he moved forward and almost kissed her.

“She and the Viscount have that in common,” said Lady Mary by her daughter’s side, Anthony’s attention went to her and he sobered up.

“I do not know what you mean, my Lady.” He told her, trying not to blush, however he did seem to feel his cheeks warm.

“Oh, do not insult my intelligence, my Lord. I have seen you two arguing more times than I have seen you being civil.” She admonished with a strong stare and Anthony felt himself tiny in her eyes, he did not want her to see him as that, he wanted for Miss Sharma’s mother to see him differently. “I have only heard of you making her laugh once.”

“When?” asked Benedict by his side, interested.

“Edwina and Lady Danbury saw it, at the races.” She told them, hiding her own smile and Anthony rolled his eyes.

“As much as I want to defend my honor, Lady Mary, I must be honest. I did not make her laugh, she and my mother ganged up on me and laughed at my expense.” He said as he looked at Miss Sharma, who was sporting reddish cheeks. He had never seen her shy and he wished to commit this memory to mind.

“You did?” asked Eloise somewhere behind him, but his eyes were anchored to Miss Sharma.

“Oh, it was harmless fun. Miss Sharma can really vex your brother as well.” Replied his mother, making some people chuckle. Miss Sharma had to hide her smile but he could tell she wanted to grin.

“You see, Lady Mary? It seems to be of mutual interest to vex one another.” He said against his better judgement, Miss Sharma’s face tilted forward, her eyes squinting at him and he had never seen someone look more beautiful.

“I do not simply enjoy vexing you, my Lord. I just do not like it when men think they can get away with things simply because of their sex.” She replied, chin proud and he wished not for the first time that they were alone. The things he would try to get away with.

“Oh, I certainly like you, Miss Sharma.” Said Daphne before appearing in front of him and taking Miss Sharma’s arm. “Let me tell you all about a way to vex him even further, by besting him in Pall Mall.” She said widening her eyes at her and of course, Miss Sharma smirked and nodded before the both of them took off.

“Oh, she is sensational.” Said Eloise to their backs, “I hope to have her in the family as it would be nice to have another intelligent woman to converse with, however, I do not see you ever being able to marry someone of such wit.” She finished before walking away, making Anthony scowl.

“I think you are miscounting, dear sister.” Said Colin walking behind them and Anthony was left behind by everyone except Lady Mary.

“Lady Danbury insists in giving you a chance, Lord Bridgerton, however I need more convincing.” Said the Lady levelling him with a stare before walking away.

-

Kate’s POV

-

Kate had heard the rules a second time and had said the same jokes as she had the first time, impressing the Duchess. This time, since Edwina had nobody to win over, she had decided she preferred to watch the game rather than play it, so Kate was the only not Bridgerton playing it.

As they gathered to choose the mallets, Lord Bridgerton was looking intently at her, shaking his head as if to say ‘hands off’, however, he should already know, she would never listen to his orders.

“Who chooses their mallet first?” she asked, feigning innocence.

“We choose by alphabetical order!” barked Lord Bridgerton with his hands on his hips, almost making Kate laugh. “That is the precedent.”

“Last year, we promised to let the youngest pick first!” said Eloise, making his siblings roll their eyes.

“Let us toss a coin,” countered Colin trying to be the peacemaker.

“Everyone, please now,” said Daphne making everyone quiet, as she had the time before. The Viscount’s jaw was hard and his nostrils flared as he knew he had lost. “The only fair thing to do is to let our invited guest choose her mallet and strike first.”

Kate smiled saccharinely sweet to Lord Bridgerton and then took the black mallet.

Of course, chaos ensued on the Bridgerton family and she was once again left to smile and act as if she didn’t realize that Lord Bridgerton preferred the black mallet and that he was upset he didn’t get to play with it.

“Would you look at that, brother?” taunted Benedict with a smirk and Anthony seemed to take a deep breath and shake his head.

“Is this yours?” she asked, as she remembered doing the first time.

“Not at all, you’re welcome to it.” He replied, just as she remembered him to do the last time. Hands on his mouth and all.

“You threatened to beat me last time I touched-” started Colin and just like last time, Lord Bridgerton interrupted him.

“You exaggerate.” He told him, all tense, as if all of this happening before and him knowing it would did not vex him any less. It was most entertaining.

“Are you the superstitious sort? I know some man cannot perform without their familiar tools.” She taunted, there was a warning in his gaze, willing her not to say the last bit, but that was her favorite part. “Like a child with a blanket.”

Everyone around them chuckled and Lord Bridgerton stiffened and pursed his lips as he heard them, not looking around this time like she remembered him doing last time.

“I can play perfectly well with any mallet.” He told her, a threat in his eyes before the next part, “I wish you the best of luck.”

His eyes were stormy and dangerous and she could not believe they both knew exactly what they had said the time before as if they were following a script they knew by heart. Had he replayed this and any of their other interactions at night like she did? Had he tried and succeeded at memorizing anything they had said to each other, treasuring their banter the way she had?

“Would you want the mallet, my Lord?” she whispered while Eloise said something about standing around and he simply shook his head, too angry to say anything. She smirked and then all the Bridgertons were flying in hopes to get the best mallet, leaving once again their eldest brother to pick between the worst ones: the pink and the light blue one.

She laughed when she saw his disappointed face and she was received with another shake of his head and then a small smile on his part. This was new, last time he had been trying so hard to hide himself in order to make a good impression on Edwina he had not had the time to genuinely smile. He had grinned quite a lot that day, however it was always stiff or unnatural, this unbidden smile was different.

Kate’s stomach did flutter a bit at the realization that she had seen the Viscount truly smile more times in this timeline than he did in the previous one. All aimed at her.

“Do you think you can win, Miss Sharma?” he asked coming closer to her while his siblings walked ahead of them and somehow, after all this time knowing him, having his undivided attention could still set her skin ablaze.

“I am sure I can,” she replied, making him smirk.

“Let us hope your ball does not end up on a lake or even worse, in the mud.” He told her the last part quietly, as if wanting to taunt her with the memories of their time together. As if it could distract her from the prize.

It didn’t, of course. She played better than last time even, but with the Viscount’s undivided attention, came his ball hitting hers every time she had made progress or when she pushed his out of the way. He was obsessed with pushing her off course and everyone snickered and joked around them, but she was getting increasingly annoyed by the second.

It didn’t matter that every time she did do something good and celebrated in his face, all he did was grin and chuckle as if he was actually enjoying the sight of her taunting him. It just grated on her nerves.

“You must stop at once!” she whispered at him once they both stayed back because of his sabotage. “This only hinders you too.” She told him.

“This,” he said pointing to his pink mallet, “hinders me. If you had let me keep my mallet, then, I would have let you play at your leisure, but since you took what it is mine,” he whispered moving closer to her, dangerously so. Her breathing started coming faster and his eyes were fascinatingly shiny and his lips parted. “I will make you pay.” He finished and she wasn’t sure anymore what it was they were talking about.

“By losing yourself?” she asked him, trying to regain her wits about her, even though she could feel goosebumps on her whole body.

“By having you be by my side the entire game.” He replied with a smirk and then he walked away from her, his eyes firm on her lips and she needed some time to regain her breathing pattern. She liked to act composed and unbothered by him, but every day it got harder. He was everywhere, apparently, and always so close and always so damn charming and infuriating at once that all she wanted to do was kiss the smug fool until he apologized.

Did that even make sense? No. The sun was too high in the sky, it was probably making her mind play tricks on her and lose her wit.

Somehow, they found themselves with the same problem as the first time. Kate pushed the Viscount’s ball into the woods and of course, Colin pushed hers and then cheekily asked if they would like to cut out. Kate knew this could only mean that they were in the mud. Fate.

“Absolutely not.” She told him, looking straight into his eyes.

“After you,” he replied and there was an intensity in his eyes that hadn’t been there before, an excitement barely concealed that sent a thrill down her spine as she walked away from his siblings.

They walked in silence, not looking around as they knew where the pall mall balls were, and sure enough, once they arrive to the mud, there they were.

“Do you still have qualms about plucking them?” she asked looking at the black and pink ball sitting perfectly by each other’s side.

“Not necessarily. We both we are losing anyways.” He told her, a small shrug.

“Then why did you want to come fetch them?” she asked, turning her whole body towards him.

“Because we need to talk,” he said moving his whole body towards hers again, “Lady Danbury and my mother fancy themselves matchmakers. Have they said anything of note to you?” he asked, eyes earnest.

“Of course. I have told Lady Danbury that we are not to marry, I tried to stay behind and let her and Mama come to Aubrey Hall, however she would not have it.” She said crossing her arms. There was something in his eyes, he wanted to ask her something but he was refraining from doing so. “What is it?”

“You were quite settled on going back to India, what changed?” he asked, cocking his head.

“I was simply honest with my family before everything could blow up,” she said looking to the side, “I guess once you are honest, it becomes harder to lie to them.” She confessed looking to the side.

“So you were not keen on going back to India?” he asked, his voice dripping with interest.

“I was. I think I still am; I am not quite sure.” She said shrugging because there were too many truths that could spill out of her if she continued, “How about you? Why did you change your mind about marriage completely?” she asked, letting herself try and decipher what his eyes were saying.

They were solemn and soft and her breath hitched at the way he was looking at her.

“I just… I just cannot fathom marrying someone.” He said, and it was clear there was more to the answer but just as he let her keep her secrets, she let him keep his.

“This is the first time we actually got along, back there” she changed the subject to his visible relief, pointing to the mud with her head, and he nodded with a small smile, “I was very confused when all of a sudden you went back into being your stoic self and left me alone.” She told him, hoping that going back to their previous misunderstandings could push them apart, because she truly could not move away for the life of her.

She was afraid she would end up being ruined by the Viscount in the mud.

“I had not yet visited my father’s grave. I apologize for not explaining myself.” He said before turning his head a little to see the tree and the bench.

“I hated going to my parent’s grave as well.” She confessed, making him turn around and look into her eyes very intently. “They shared one, back at home. It reminded me that I had not tended to my emotions.” She told him, letting him know that she understood and he nodded, his eyes telling her he felt the same way.

“It is very hard already not to think about his death while being at Aubrey Hall.” He confessed in a whisper and she could see his resolve cracking a bit, she could see his eyes open up to her and she wished she could hold him.

“Did he die here?” she asked, even though she was sure the answer was yes. He nodded instead of saying anything and she let herself be reckless, she put one of her hands on his shoulder. “I am truly sorry.” She told him and he let the mallet fall to the ground and put his hand on top of hers.

“Were you there when one of your parents died?” he asked as if he really wanted to know the answer.

“Yes. I was reading to Appa, my father, when it happened.” She confessed in a whisper this time and she could see his brow furrow further as if it hurt him to hear that.

“I am truly sorry too.” He told her, his fingers squeezing hers under his hand and she nodded. “We have finally found something we have in common, then.” He joked, sardonically and she widened her eyes with the force of her surprise.

“That is not funny.” She chastised, but her lips could not help to curl in a smile and then he was chuckling and she giggled. Finding something to laugh about when it came to the greatest tragedy of her life had never happened and it somehow felt apt that she and the Viscount would laugh together about their shared grief.

“I apologize,” he told her once they had both calmed down from their hysterics. They looked at each other in silence, with soft smiles on their faces and she felt the pull again. She noticed when he felt it too, when his eyes squinted and his eyebrows twitched and his eyes went to her mouth and she felt the terrible desire to give in.

However, before either of them could move they heard Daphne’s celebratory cry as she won the game and they came back to Earth.

“We should go to them,” she told him, taking her hand from his shoulder and he let her.

“You go, I’ll pluck our balls and be right there.” He promised, she simply nodded and then walked away before she did something stupid like throw herself at him.

-

After a bath and a change of clothes, Kate felt ready to endure yet another evening with the Bridgertons. She remembered this night as the one Lord Bridgerton had not proposed to her sister, and since this time things were different, she would just enjoy Benedict’s antics and have a good time.

She did not, however, account for Lord Bridgerton’s gaze. His eyes were on her the whole evening and she could feel herself getting more and more impatient as the night went. It felt like she was on fire from within and nothing would help her settle down.

She would squirm on her seat, trying to help with some friction and his knowing eyes and scandalous smirk made her even worse for wear. She wanted to yell at him. She wanted to throw him against the wall and she wanted to feel his mouth on hers, on her body, anywhere that could help her find some release.

“Well, Miss Edwina has not found a match yet, however we are hopeful. She is the diamond after all.” Said Lady Danbury by her side and Kate made herself aware of the conversation, this was much more important than anything else.

“She will.” She interjected, wanting to make her sister hopeful and she only smiled at her.

“I am not in a hurry.” She told her and Kate pursed her lips, this was about her marrying again, wasn’t it?

“You will find a husband before the season ends.” She told her, matter-of-factly.

“And so will you.” Said Lady Danbury, making everyone turn to Kate. They all knew of her wanting to remain a spinster, so they must be as shocked as Anthony looked right now.

“We will see, Edwina is the priority.” She replied, her heart beating wildly in her chest at the look in Lord Bridgerton’s face.

“You wish to marry?” asked Benedict with huge eyes and his jaw on the floor.

“What he means is,” said Colin for his brother, “you are seeking a husband, after all? Is that not interesting Anthony?” he asked, making Kate’s eyes move from Colin to Benedict to Anthony.

“Benedict, keep looking at the lights. Colin, be quiet.” Seethed the eldest Bridgerton, he looked aggravated.

“She is.” Replied Lady Danbury for her, making Eloise gasp.

“I thought you were quite content with your situation?” she asked, as if feeling betrayed by Kate.

“I am. Truly. I will not entertain the thought of marrying just for the sake of marrying.” She insisted, her chin held high. “If I marry, it will be because I want to stay close to my family and only if I find someone I find agreeable.” She continued, looking around the table to different countenances. Colin seemed intrigued, Daphne was frowning as much as Eloise and she didn’t understand why. Edwina was trying and failing to conceal a smile, Lady Mary was acting as if this had been talked about before and Lady Bridgerton was looking at her eldest whose eyes were on her.

It looked like he had stopped breathing.

“You wish to marry, then?” he asked, bewildered.

“My Lord, every woman wishes to marry.” Replied Lady Danbury, making both Kate and Eloise scoff.

“Not every woman.” Said the young Bridgerton and Kate could only nod.

“You speak of it as if it has been decided. It has not.” She said trying to regain a semblance of control when it came to everyone talking about her situation.

“We have talked about this for weeks, Didi.” Said Edwina to her side, she had turned into such a traitor in this new life.

“You said that once we come back from Aubrey Hall you would look at the list I have compiled of eligible bachelors.” Replied the Dowager, making Kate’s face feel as if it was on fire.

“Ah! Brother, there is a list!” yelled Benedict making her jump.

“Benedict stop!” commanded Anthony, his jaw tight and his nostrils flared. Then his eyes left his younger brother to go back to her and burn a hole through her. “A list?” he asked, frowning.

“This is not a conversation I wish to have at the dinner table,” said Kate knowing her eyes were too big and her face too warm, “or with any of you for that matter. This is my decision and I have not come to it quite yet.” She insisted. “Now, if you will excuse me, I wish to go to bed,” she said standing up and nobody stopped her so she walked away with her heart beating wildly on her chest.

Why was she feeling this way? She owed nothing to the Viscount, there was no reason to feel guilty for not telling him. Also, he knew her family wanted her to marry to stay close, why was he so taken aback? Why did he seem furious at the prospect of her marrying someone else? And could she truly like it any more than she already did?

Chapter Text

Heart-stopping waves of hurt

Anthony’s POV

-

Anthony had not been able to sleep after last night’s revelations. He tossed and turned and when he finally concealed sleep, he saw her marrying someone else and him running down the aisle, trying to stop the wedding, every time he would wake up yelling, until he gave up and left his bed. He had gone to the stables before anyone else would wake up and had found one of the horses was not there.

Anthony cursed as he remembered the day it was, that was the only thing this wretched trip to Aubrey Hall needed, for him to panic as he watched her getting stung. And of course, she was not actively avoiding it, no, she was certainly doing the exact same thing that she had done before; however, she could not endure another sting. That was unthinkable.

So now, he was waiting for her, not just to avoid that, but also because he wanted to talk to her alone, to question her about what Lady Danbury had said the day before at dinner. He wanted to know if she was serious about her prospects, about marrying someone and staying in London.

He knew they were plotting, Lady Danbury and his mother, to get them to get married and he had fought them at every turn, however, he did not expect that Lady Danbury would continue matchmaking for Miss Sharma. She could not, he could not allow it.

He could not fathom a worst existence than one where he would have to see her around the Ton with another man by her side, she had said she was leaving for India and she must! She must because if she doesn’t then maybe he will, to stay away from the worst torture imaginable.

He walked around the patch of grass, nervously pacing, waiting for her arrival and of course, he checked his father’s watch and just as she had done in that other life, she had arrived fifteen minutes to six.

“Lord Bridgerton,” she said with barely contained anger. As if he was the one being unreasonable to be here.

“Miss Sharma, fancy seeing you here,” he told her, while a valet took the horse away.

“Lord Bridgerton, you should have not come. We both know what happened this day.” She said without beating around the bush, as anyone would, but she wasn’t anyone. She was Kate Sharma.

“There is no reason for you to be here.” He argued, his face formed the scowl he was so accustomed with, a mask he preferred to the real feeling under it: worry.

“There is no reason for you to be here! We both know who was overcome when this happened.” She said, wanting to walk past him, but he would not allow her. He planted himself on her path, whenever she would groan and try another way, he would be there swiftly. “How annoying of you!”

“Just listen to good, plain reason and walk around the path. Away from the flowers.” He demanded, somehow too close to her. Not close enough.

“I do not have to listen to you, my Lord!” she said instead, her eyes glowering and her face flushed and he thought he looked the most beautiful this way. He could not tell her that, though.

“I will be in your way then until you do!” he almost yelled, he could feel the electricity in the air, the need to move forward, to finally close the distance after so many times of this same song and dance. This is when it had all started, this is the moment he had succumbed to his wishes of being close to her, when his hands had touched her for the first time.

“Nothing happened to me last time! I was fine!” she almost yelled back, her breathing coming hard and he realized his was as well. And that was what broke him. She was breathing, alive and well and if she set foot on this parchment of grass, she might not.

“We changed things, this is another life. What if in this life something does happen?” he asked, his worry pouring out of every word, hardened by his anger at her insistence in disobeying him. “What if here you stop breathing? What if in this life you…” he hadn’t realized how much faster the air was leaving his lungs until he realized there was no air left in them. He tried to breathe but his inhaling was too short and the air was not in his lungs long enough. “I cannot…” he wanted to tell her that he couldn’t breathe, but he also wanted to tell her that he could not continue to live if that were to happen.

He would have to stop breathing alongside her, in this parchment of grass. The way he should have done when this happened to his father.

“Lord Bridgerton, breathe.” She instructed him, her eyes full of worry and they were all he could see. Why would she be worried about him? She was the one who would not be able to breathe soon. “I haven’t even been stung.” She told him, but he could not feel the relief that those words should bring him.

All he could feel was despair. Desperation. Loneliness.

“I cannot…” he tried to say again but his breathing was somehow worse and was the sun darkening? Was it night already? All he could see were her eyes and darkness. “Lose…”

“Lord Bridgerton, I am here.” She said, taking his hand and putting it on her bosom, with her warm hand on top of his and then he felt her hand on his breast. Close to his treacherous and wildly beating heart. “Breathe with me, in and out.” She instructed.

“I-I…” he did not know what he was going to say, but he did as she told him. All he knew for a minute or so was that she was closer now and their foreheads touched and he could feel himself calming down, being grounded by her. After many attempts he could breathe long enough to catch a whiff of her smell and that was even more grounding.

She was here, alive, breathing and smelling of lilies, but most importantly: she was in his arms.

Anthony knew this was not alright, he knew this was not the thing a gentleman ought to do, he knew he would have to extricate himself from her at some point, but he was a weak man. He needed her fortitude to steel himself, he needed her kindness to believe the world was not as bad as he felt and he needed her presence to feel whole.

“We will walk around, I promise. Please, breathe,” she begged, her voice was calm but there was an edge to it and he hated that he put it there, he didn’t want for her to be worried about him. But then, he felt something in his chest at the realization that she cared enough about him to be worried.

She had the first time as well, but to know that this was constant even when he had managed to do everything wrong in this life and in the last one, and yet she was still concerned about him, it made him glow from the inside.

“Thank you,” he whispered, his voice ragged because of the panic that had clawed his throat, mere minutes ago. He was breathing normally, but he was not moving away and neither was she. He let his nose caress hers and she sighed as if she was enjoying it.

When the horse neighed this time, they didn’t fall back in a panic, quickly trying to mask the compromising position they had been on, this time they both took their time. He didn’t know why she did it, but he was savoring every last second of it. He knew that now that he wasn’t engaged to Edwina, he wouldn’t have to spend so much time with her, this might be the last time he’d be this close to her.

And it hurt to move away.

He offered his arm and she took it, with a small smile that didn’t reach her eyes and with his face in perfect neutrality they walked around the area in silence. His heart was stammering in his chest again, but this time it wasn’t because of the panic of the imminent bee sting, it was rather the fact that he was walking with her by his side, alone.

If he so desired, he could whisk her away into one of the more secluded areas in the garden and do everything he’d been wanting to since he met her. He wouldn’t do it, he was a gentleman, but knowing that that was a possibility was arousing and exciting indeed.

However, soon enough they were on the other side of the garden, close enough to the house that she was away from the danger of being stung and she didn’t need for him to escort her inside. They stopped, and let go of each other slowly again.

He wished he could read her mind. He wished she could read his. He wished their life wasn’t as complicated as it was.

With a small curtsy she said goodbye and walked inside the house, as he watched her. It felt like goodbye, which didn’t make sense because they would still live in the same house for the next couple of days, but he felt it nonetheless.

As she disappeared from his view, he realized he didn’t ask her about Lady Danbury’s words at all.

-

Anthony had been on a foul mood the whole day. After the bee incident the day before, Miss Sharma had not left her room, again, and had kept to herself the whole day. He had not asked what she thought of marrying someone who wasn’t him and he could feel himself growing more and more worried at the idea of having to see her go through with it.

She did not break her fast with everyone else for a second day, so he could not see her there and he snapped at Hyacinth and Greggory because they were asking him to play pall mall and they knew they were too young and the annual pall mall game had already been played. They knew the rules and yet they pestered him regardless.

His mother was dropping not so subtle hints for him to do something about Miss Sharma and then Colin had joined and Eloise was being so… Eloise. Daphne kept looking at him with something like pity and Anthony wanted to crawl out of his skin.

The one blessing was that Benedict was too hungover to even consider being around them and would only come out of bed once the hunting started with the whole Ton.

He was trying really hard not to show their guests how tightly wound he was as he walked around the lawn to calm himself, or how close he was from screaming, when a sweet voice came from his right.

“Lord Bridgerton,” asked Miss Edwina and he wondered why he hadn’t heard her approach.

“Yes, Miss Edwina?” he acknowledged with a bow, trying to breathe and keep his composure, she had not done anything wrong after all and he had a soft spot for her after treating her the way he had on their other life. It was not her fault he had decided to marry because of roles and not love.

“I wanted to ask for a favor.” She told him with a small smile and Anthony knew what was coming next. “The Duchess has informed me of the plans for the day and she has mentioned that the men are going on a hunt. I know it is unusual, however, Kate is an excellent shot and she has been… not her best these last few days. Would you cheer her up by inviting her on the hunt?”

He knew she shouldn’t come because of the way they had behaved on the hunt, and he also knew that she might not want to come because she had hated the guide, but he also missed her. Even when he wanted to ask about her seriousness in regards to her prospects, he also wanted the excuse to come talk to her.

“I would be delighted, Miss Edwina.” He said with a small smile and she smiled brightly, he could tell she wanted to squeal, like he had seen her do these last few days, but she was behaving the diamond in front of everyone else.

“Lord Bridgerton, I can tell you care for my sister,” she whispered, making him straighten up. “Why would you not consider marrying her?” she asked looking around, as if to make sure nobody else listened.

“Miss Edwina, that’s just…” he sighed, he could not tell her any more than he could anyone else. There was just too much in the middle, “it is such a complicated matter.” He settled for.

“I thought better of you. I thought her station would not be this big of a problem.”

“Her station?” he asked bewildered, Miss Sharma was a gentlewoman. She was Lady Mary’s daughter, her station was the same as Miss Edwina’s, as far as he was concerned.

“Is that not the reason you will not even consider marrying her?” asked Edwina in turn, making him frown. Is that what she thought of him? Is that what Miss Sharma thought of him?

“There you are!” said Benedict coming closer to the pair. “I am told we are to leave in a quarter of an hour, brother.”

“We need to find my sister, then.” Replied Miss Edwina, slipping on her diamond mask. If Anthony wasn’t so perturbed by her words before, he would be impressed.

“Miss Sharma?” asked Benedict and Anthony and Edwina nodded.

“We are going to invite her to hunt with us,” explained Anthony as he started walking, looking for her beautiful face. God, he missed seeing her. They were in the same house and yet he had not laid his eyes upon her in at least twenty-four hours, he was losing so much precious time.

“So much for staying away from her,” said Benedict under his breath, making Miss Edwina’s face turn to him in a second.

“Staying away from her?” she asked.

“Let us find her so we can go to the hunt.” He said instead of a real reply as he walked briskly past both his brother and Miss Edwina. “We could go our separate ways, if you would prefer.” He told her but he was practically running away from them already, before he could go too far, though, his brother clapped his back.

“Anthony, calm down. People are staring.” He said, making him slow down.

“I just prefer not to be tardy.” He told him while still looking for Miss Sharma.

“Yeah, it is not that you are so desperate to see Kate you are nearly tripping over yourself in her search.” He told him, making Anthony stop abruptly.

“Did you just call her by her given name?” he asked, feeling himself growing even angrier than before Edwina came to find him.

“Yes, it was worth it too. You finally stopped.” He said winded, Anthony couldn’t stop frowning, she had never given him permission to call her that, why should his brother be able to?

“Did she tell you you could?” he seethed, not being able to let it go.

“Of course she did and I told her I would wait until you were there to see it.” He informed him, almost smug and Anthony felt the sudden urge to punch his brother in front of the entire Ton. “Now calm down, it was just to call your attention. I will not repeat it in front of polite company, as not to foster any unwelcome speculation.”

“Speculation?”

“They could think I was courting her,” he said, shrugging and Anthony felt the immediate urge to vomit. He could not see her marry any of his siblings, ever. He could not see her marrying anyone for that matter. “Anthony, please, breathe.”

“When?”

“When I danced with her the other day,” he replied without acting the fool as he would usually, making Anthony nod. “Now, your situation has been an amazing distraction for me, as I have been waiting for the academy to get back to me, but I fear like I have not given you much back in return, brother.”

“Whatever do you mean?” he asked feeling whiplash from this conversation with Benedict. It was as if he had designed it to not let Anthony catch up to him.

“You know what happened to dad was an accident, right? It is not a curse, Anthony. It does not have to repeat itself.”

“What if it does?” he asked instead of acknowledging his soothing words. He knew that it was irrational to think he had to die an untimely death just because his father did, he was not less sure of it either way.

“What if it does not?” he insisted, making Anthony swallow thickly. If he didn’t die young and therefore ended up living a long unfulfilled life, would it still be worth it, to spare her the possibility of heartbreak?

“My Lord, I found my sister,” said Edwina coming with Ka- Miss Sharma. She looked gorgeous, as usual and she seemed to be intrigued by the fact that Benedict and him were in the middle of a heated conversation.

“Good day, Miss Sharma. Would you like to join us on the hunt?” he asked, briskly. He wanted to walk on his own for a few moments, to cool off, before he found himself spilling his fears and secrets to her.

“I thought you would not like a woman joining on the hunt,” she said with a frown, giving him a way out, apparently.

“I wish for you to prove to me that women are capable of managing when it comes to hunting,” he told her, shrugging, delighting in the heat of her eyes as she rose to the challenge.

“I will be back in hunting ten minutes and I will join on the hunt.” She said before curtsying and walking away, effectively cutting short any remarks he could have.

“You truly do enjoy antagonizing her.” Observed Benedict by his side and Anthony just sighed.

“I need to gather some stuff, meet me in ten minutes and then we can go on the hunt,” he said robotically, mostly because he needed to be away from everyone.

He was unravelling and there was nowhere to go because his house was full to the brim with guests. And memories. And ghosts. Anthony walked into the house even more briskly and once he found himself in his room he yelled into his pillow until his voice came out hoarse.

-

Kate’s POV

-

“Did you ask him to invite me?” asked Kate as she walked towards her and Edwina’s room with haste.

“I simply suggested it,” she replied primly, almost jogging by her side. Kate had been trying to hide from him ever since he got into a panic, again, and they almost kissed, again, and her little sister had managed to make her spend time with him both times! It was truly as if there was some sort of curse upon her and she ought to repeat a lot of the same things that had happened on the other life.

At least she didn’t have to see him courting her sister.

“I did not want to go,” she said as she opened the door to change her clothes into more appropriate going out gear.

“Oh, is that why you almost sprinted here to get ready? Kate, why are you lying to me about this?” she asked, making Kate open her trunk with more force than necessary.

“I am not lying to you. I have to go now, since he has challenged me,” she replied taking the same blue ensemble she had worn last time.

“Please, he barely said five words and you were convinced,” she said crossing her arms as she sat on the bed, watching her go behind the screen to change. “Really, Didi, you are both not very good at concealing your feelings.”

“We are not concealing anything!” she insisted as she almost ripped her bodice in her haste and anger.

“Please! He was practically seething at the idea of you marrying someone else at dinner the other night! You would have to be blind to miss it!” She continued, making Kate stop and tear up.

That was precisely the issue with Lord Bridgerton. He kept doing things that meant he wanted nothing to do with her, even said so, only to then act as if she was the one breaking his heart. She took a deep breath to then continue changing her clothes with more determination and less haste.

“You said you would help me forget about him,” she accused her sister, making her bristle.

“I never said that, I said I would help you be happy, those are two very different things.” She said from the other side of the screen and Kate shook her head, her sister continued believing in fairytales. A small part of herself was angry because she never got to meet the adult Edwina, the one who hated her but was more rooted in reality than in daydreaming.

She pushed that thought aside, she would never wish to inflict her sister any pain. She never wished to see her face contorted in hatred again.

“Nothing happy can come out of us hunting together. I might even shoot him.” She said coming out, changed. Edwina grinned and Kate motioned for her to help her get the back of her clothes, and her sister did.

“That might make you happy for a while.” She joked, “but I know that there is more happiness in your future than you allow yourself to believe in. I will believe it for you, though.” She continued, making Kate feel her chest tight, how could she wish for this version of Edwina to disappear? She loved her.

“Thank you, Bon. I am truly sorry for being such a grump. I guess I have been spending too much time with Lord Bridgerton.” She said looking to the side.

“When?” her sister asked curiously and Kate realized she wanted to tell someone. She wanted to tell her sister about everything that had happened, but she also needed to get her facts straight, she didn’t want to tell her things that had happened on their other life.

But then, they had happened, haven’t they?

“I will tell you, when we have a moment to talk,” she promised, making a mental note of finding a way to justify all of the times she did not know how to explain, “I need to go hunting now.”

“I am looking forward to it.” She smiled at her sister before hugging her, Kate hugged her tightly back. “Be the sister I know that you are. Be funny and brave and feeling.” She continued as she plucked a few hairs from her hairdo and took a pin from her own hair and put it back in hers. “Be unafraid of following your heart after doing the exact opposite for far too long.”

“I do not know if I know how to do that, Bon.” She confessed looking at herself in the mirror. She looked the same as the last time but different, less uptight, less burdened, even her hair was less severe.

“You have spent so much of your time shining your light on me, it is time for you to shiny all on your own.” She told her with misty eyes by her side and Kate gave her a watery chuckle. “Now go, you need to prove to them that a woman can manage.” She teased with an excited smile.

“I will.” She promised before getting out of the room, with her sister’s hand on hers, both of them giggling.

-

The hunt had started much like the one before, except this time Lord Bridgerton was trying to stay far away from her on his horse. That was alright, she didn’t need him to shine on her own. She galloped along the group, however as soon as they left their horses and the men started following their guide, she snuck out and started following her instinct.

She hadn’t felt this way in a long time. She felt free. She breathed in the clean country air and let herself feel for the first time in a while. She had no secrets with her family, she was hunting on her own in the woods, without a maid keeping an eye on her and Lord Bridgerton was nowhere to be found.

Truly, she should’ve known the second his name appeared on her mind; he would be close behind.

“What are you doing?” he asked from behind her, but that was not what made her aware of his presence, it was the way her back felt. The tingle running up her spine that made her know he was looking at her and coming closer.

“Hunting, what about you?” she asked with a tight smile.

“You have to come back to the group.” He told her pursing his lips and flaring his nostrils, Gods, could he ever relax?

“You can go back to the group if you choose to, I want to follow my instincts this time.” She said turning around and moving towards where she thought she might find a prey.

“Last time did not happen,” he said walking after her, “you need to come back.”

“I can manage.” She continued and then, suddenly, he was in front of her, blocking her path once again. “Move.” She told him, but he didn’t.

“This seems to be the only way to stop you.” He told her, she moved to the side and he did as well and she groaned at him using the same tactics on her.

“Can you just leave me alone?” she asked trying to forget about the fact that they were on their own once more and she was at her wit’s end. If this man didn’t move, she was going to kiss him.

“Can you just do as you are told?” he asked back, frowning, he looked just as desperate as she was.

“You should know better than to think I will, my Lord. Was it not you who said you had never met anyone like me? That I made you mad?” she asked, knowing she was pushing a bit too far but she didn’t care. She wanted the friction.

“You are maddening,” he told her, his breathing hard and fast but then he swallowed hard, “but not for the reasons you think.”

“What are the reasons then, my Lord?” she managed to ask even though her own breathing was coming faster and harder and she could swear she could hear the beating of her heart. She was so close to losing it, he made her mad with desire of being near him, of breathing him in, of being so close it would be impossible to differentiate where she started and where he finished.

“Call me Anthony and I will tell you,” he replied moving closer, his hands ghosting the shell of her ear and she wished to bottle up this feeling. This electricity running through her veins as he touched her, as his breathing fanned on her face and all of her thoughts cleared. When all she could feel was want.

“Anthony.” She whispered and he groaned and his nose touched hers and she felt her knees weaken.

“It is maddening, how much you consume my very being,” he whispered back, his voice so low and gravel like that she wanted to drown in it, in him, “My family has always been my number one priority,” he continued and then almost chuckled, “I am nearly certain every last of my brothers and sisters secretly despise me, my own mother at that. Despite the fact that I have lived the better part of my life for them and yet still, all I find myself thinking about, all I find myself being able to breathe for,” he said taking a whiff of her scent, making her whimper, “is you.”

“Anthony,” she repeated, trying to steel him or herself, she wasn’t sure but that only spurred him further.

“Do you think that I want to be in this position?” he asked, still so close she could almost taste him. She shook her head and their noses touched once more. “Contending with these thoughts of wanting to be nowhere except with you? Of acting on the most impure, forbidden desires no matter…” he stopped himself, his nose touching her cheek and then her jaw delicately as if it were a caress, “how much I must remind myself I am a gentleman and you are a Lady.” His nose continued their way down her neck and she tried very hard to suppress a shudder, but she could not conceal her sigh. “You must stop.” He told her, moving one step away from her.

“I am the one who must stop?” she asked, bewildered. He had done all of that, had told her all of that only to blame it on her?

“There is no other course of action to be concluded. You have to stop.” He told her, and he looked defeated, as if she was the one toying with his emotions. But she was not, it was all him.

“It has been you,” she told him, moving away from him so she could think clearly. “It has been you this entire time. Spinning my world off its axis, making me reconsider everything I have ever told myself.” She confessed and then let herself take a deep breath, after finally being honest about her own feelings for him. “I came here resolved to save my family. Everything I have ever done-”

“Has been for them,” he finished, understanding coloring his beautiful eyes and her resolve almost cracked again.

“Has been for them.” She repeated on a whisper.

“Yeah,” he nodded, her own struggles reflected back on his countenance and she knew he understood her fully, better than anyone ever had.

“You are the one who must stop.” She told him putting her hands up, as if surrendering. “Before-”

“Before what?” he interrupted, “before we both finally do something for ourselves?” he asked moving a step closer to her and she felt her chest rise and fall with haste. He was right. She wanted him more than she had ever wanted anything in her whole life and there was no reason not to take him now that Edwina wasn’t in the picture.

Why was it such a bad idea to take a risk?

Anth-Lord Bridgerton looked a second away from pouncing on her, his eyes seemed to echo her thoughts and then, a voice came from their left and they turned to find Benedict coming closer to them, with her assigned maid on his tail.

“Here you are!” said Benedict merrily as he approached them and Kate found all the reasons why what she was about to do with Lord Bridgerton was unwise. If anyone were to see them she would be ruined, he would refuse to marry her and in doing so her sister would be ruined as well.

And if he didn’t, if he married her, she would have to live a lifetime of wondering if he ever would have done so willingly, because he would never quite tell her the truth. He would keep his secrets buried and she would always feel as if she forced his hand into marrying her.

There could be no other alternative, as they seemed to want each other desperately, but when it came to feelings, Kate was at a disadvantage because she loved him, too. She wanted his smiles and his caresses and his hands and eyes on her at all times and as much as she desired him too, she also wanted his tenderness. But that was not hers to want.

“Where is everyone else?” asked Anthony composing himself before she could.

“They are following the guide as we all should be doing,” commented Benedict with a tight smile, his eyes daring Anthony to say something in front of the maid. Kate simply lifted her head and then walked towards them.

“Fine, we will not follow our own instincts then, we will follow the guide’s.” she said as she walked towards the place where they came from.

“In any other situation I would advise you, Miss Sharma, of following your instincts,” he said good naturedly, even though there was some seriousness in his eyes, something that wasn’t there the night before, “but when it comes to an organized hunt, we shall better follow the guide’s.”

“That is correct, Benedict. I came to tell the same thing to Miss Sharma and to keep her from harm’s way.” Said Lord Bridgerton to her back and all Kate could think about was the way his nose was touching her a minute ago, how they were so close to letting themselves go just mere seconds ago.

“I do not need you to keep me from harm’s way, my Lord, I am quite adept at doing so myself.” She said turning around, mustering all the anger she could instead of the other fire he stoked on her.

“That does not signify. I will do so regardless.” He told her, challenging her to disagree and she wished she could, she wished Benedict and the maid were gone and she could speak her mind, but then she also knew that that would mean she might finish what they had started not long ago.

“Let us rejoin the group and then you two can continue biting each other’s head off, alright?” asked Benedict, trying to reign them in.

“Of course.” She said, walking away again, shaking her head as she tried to regain her rationale. Lord Bridgerton did not love her; he did not want to marry her and she needed to remember that.

-

The sound of the rain hitting the window by her side and the thunders that rattled through her were not the only reason she could not fall asleep. She could not stop thinking about him.

‘All I find myself being able to breathe for is you’ he repeated on her mind, making her dizzy and warm and so bothered. Why was he doing this? How could he say a few pretty words and have her wrapped around his finger? And why did it have to storm tonight of all nights?

She stood up and walked away from her room just as she had the time before, she knew she should not, she knew there was a big possibility of him finding her, but she could not stop herself. He should be the one who stayed away. She needed the distraction and he knew this time that it was her and there was no candle lit up on his father’s study.

She let herself in and tried to find a book that her Appa would have read to her, she convinced herself that he would not show up as the time passed and when she was coming down the steps of the ladder, she could feel her awareness spike. She turned around and there he was, looking at her as if it hurt him to see her.

“Why are you here again?” she asked, irritated he kept coming to the places he knew he was going to find her. Irritated with herself for keep coming to the places she knows she will find him in. Irritated by this feeling of being pulled towards him and having no power against it.

“I remembered what you said about storms unsettling you. I did not wish for you to be alone.” He told her, this time not hesitating by the door and instead closing it behind him. Her heart started beating wildly, not only because of the lighting and thunder outside, but because she was once again alone with the Viscount and this time, they were both in a state of undress. “Do you wish to be left alone?” he asked once he was closer to her.

“No,” she told him honestly before moving closer to him as well, by the window, just like the last time they had been in this place and position. “However, I am used to being alone.” She said honestly.

“You do not have to be.” He told her earnestly and she pursed her lips, willing herself not to cry in front of him. She did not have to, that was true. She now had her family by her side and they were being so much more supportive and yet she did not wish to unburden herself with them, only with him. Always with him.

“I could say the same thing about you,” she told him instead of showing her true emotions, “does anyone in your family know about your fear of bees?” she asked trying to stop her mind from going to this afternoon, when they had been closer than ever to lose the tight grip they had on their control.

But with the soft glow of the candle and the storm outside, this moment seemed a lot less charged and a lot more fragile. They were whispering and they both seemed too tired to be fighting themselves at every turn, somehow, she understood by his stance that he wanted to live in this moment and not talk or repeat what had happened before.

“No. And it is not actually the bees I am afraid of, it is…” he trailed off, looking at the book in her hands and then shrugged. “I guess I will tell someone eventually.” He conceded, his eyes seemed more open than ever before. “May I ask you a question?”

“Yes. You may,” she said letting go of the book as he tugged softly to it.

“How is it that you learnt what to do in those situations?”

“Storms.” She said with a sarcastic smile. “Apparently my mother died during a storm, after that  I used to get much like you when storms happened. I would not hear anyone around me and I would be inconsolable. My father, bless his soul, found that reading to me would calm me down, however, there was one time when he was not there.”

“Where was he?” he asked, affronted. She wanted to smile at his protective frown but she also would not let him think badly about her Appa, never about her Appa.

“He got caught up on a negotiation in a neighboring town. The weather did not seem to turn until the last minute, there was no clue as to the storm that was about to come and I found myself with Mary and a two-year-old Edwina.” She said with her eyes seeing the moment imprinted into her brain. “I tried not to be a burden, but I could not keep it in. Mary tried reading, but I would not stop crying.”

“How old were you?” he asked, his wrinkle prominent on his forehead, somehow anchoring her to the present.

“I was nine. At some point I must have had trouble breathing because Mary did what I did with you, she showed me how to breathe properly and she soothed me with her words. Apparently, I was babbling about losing both Appa and her.” She confessed, surprising herself. Her eyes moved to his and he seemed taken aback by his confession as well, not just because she trusted him, but there was something else, something akin to understanding.

“I did not realize last time that your fear was so severe,” he whispered, moving closer to her, as if wanting to comfort her.

“It was not as bad that night, I guess.” She whispered back, looking into his eyes. They looked soft, she was not looking at the Viscount she would usually see when there were people around, she was looking at Anthony, the man who got panics when bees were around, the man who wanted to care for everyone around him, the man who wanted to be everyone’s sound board.

But what about him?

“Would it help if I were to read to you?” he asked, his voice seemed unsure, his eyes worried and she could tell he thought she would turn him down and yet he asked. She took a deep breath, whatever was happening between them was too big to ignore and she knew that come the morning she would have to continue acting as if nothing had happened and nothing ought to happen.

But at night time, when there was a wretched storm and her heart was wildly beating on her chest, she could indulge.

“It would.” She whispered; he seemed surprised but the corners of his mouth twitched. Surprise wasn’t the word for the look on his face, no, it was awe. He motioned for them to move towards the desk, there he moved the chair so she may sit and then he supported his weight on the desk to be in front of her, and started reading.

His voice washed over her and his warmth came out in waves, they were not quite touching, but she could still feel him close. She closed her eyes and let her body relax against the chair, sometimes he stopped for a second or two and she could feel his intense gaze on her face, however she did not open her eyes.

She enjoyed his voice, presence and smell surrounding her. She let it lull her to sleep, selfishly taking everything he was giving her, at some point his leg started resting against hers and she moved hers even closer, wanting the contact. Wanting as much as she could take from him and he seemed eager to give her more, as he also moved closer.

She did not know how long it took to fall asleep, but she did and was only awakened by his soft voice and his fingers touching her face.

“Wake up, darling. The storm has passed.” He whispered, she sighed, thinking she was still dreaming of him, except his fingers felt real on her face and his quiet exhale sounded a bit like a chuckle. She opened her eyes to a more illuminated room with his handsome face, a small smile on his lips and eyes as soft as cotton.

“Anthony?” she asked, confused. So confused, she forgot to call him by his title. He seemed taken aback by her mistake, but there was no anger behind it, just wonder. His lips parted and he looked at her lips, hers opened as well. Her breathing was uneven and she could swear he heard him groan.

“You should go back to bed before someone sees you.” He told her without moving, his eyes still on her mouth and she wondered what he would do if she were to move forward. She noticed now, however, that there was something on top of her, as if he had put a blanket on her body to keep her warm but his own eyes seemed tired, there were shadows under them and she realized that as she had fallen asleep to his voice, he could not have slept a wink.

“Did you sleep at all?” she asked, worried about him all of a sudden, the atmosphere changing from charged and heavy to tense, from her part at least. His eyes snapped to hers and there was a boyish smile on his face.

“It is a rather uncomfortable thing to sleep on one’s desk.” He teased, this time moving back, giving her some space.

“You should have gone back to bed.” She scolded him and he frowned.

“And leave you here, on your own? You do realize there are at least fifty people in this house, correct?” he asked bewildered.

“The more reason for us not to be found alone on your office.” She told him, realizing what they had done. She felt her face heat at the thought of everything that had passed between them, this time it had not been as heavy and fleeting as the time before, it had been soft and light and breakable. And sweet. “Thank you.” She told him earnestly and he sighed.

“Anytime.” He replied and she only nodded, because she knew there would be no next time. He nodded as well, his face downcast and then he stood up with a groan that meant he had been uncomfortable for the last few hours and she felt her heart squeeze with fondness.

“I will not forget this kindness, my Lord.” She told him as she walked towards the door, she turned when she heard his voice.

“You keep saying that and yet I feel like you keep forgetting my kindness.” He teased, a smirk equal parts mirth and sadness on his features and she wished she could kiss him. She had never felt so compelled to do so before, even when it had happened before of course, this time it was so hard not to walk over and crash her lips to his that she had to grab the door handle with force.

“I could be much worse, Lord Bridgerton.” She said instead, her chin up.

“I can imagine,” he replied, fire in his eyes. There was a sound coming from the house that brought them both out of their conversation, Kate mumbled something about having to go and he nodded and then she silently walked towards her room praying Edwina was still sleeping.

Once she got to her room, she saw her sister still in the arms of Morpheus. Small mercies.

Chapter Text

I’ve come too far

Anthony’s POV

-

He woke up later than he had in years. Which made sense given he had barely slept a wink until four am. He let himself go back to bed and left a note to his valet to let him sleep late. He ended up waking up at ten am, probably everyone had already broken their fast and were getting ready for luncheon but he did not want to move.

He wanted to stay in bed, replaying the night before. The day before. So many things had happened. He almost lost control in the woods.

And at nighttime, when he walked over to his father’s study, he was sure he would lose control. He was resigned to it, until he saw her, looking irritated at him but also there was something so vulnerable about her. She looked soft and tender and her eyes were pleading for comfort, so he made himself continue his tight grip around his desires.

However, he let himself do what felt forbidden but right in the moment, he read to her and saw her relax and fall asleep. He tried and failed to follow the story, because his mind was on the sound of her breathing, his eyes had a life of their own and went to her every few words. She looked angelic.

Her hair all around her like a halo, her beautiful eyes closed, her brows no longer pinched in worry or anger, she was relaxed and peaceful and he did that. The way his heart squeezed and his limbs felt alive when he realized he had helped her fall asleep while feeling on edge because of the storm was something he had never felt before. He put a blanket on top of her and then looked at her for hours, committing to memory her sleeping figure.

And when he woke her up and she called him by his given name, it was so intimate he almost lost control again. He wanted to, so badly. He wanted to see her wake up again, every day of his life if he could. He wanted to watch her fall asleep every night of his life as well.

He wished not for the first time that his life would not be cut short, but this was the first time he wished it for himself. He had always done it because he felt like he owed it to his family, because he wanted to see them grow up, he wanted to see their offspring and he wanted to be there for them, but he had never allowed himself to want it for himself.

Until her.

She made him want a future, she made him want to have a family, to have more time.

He let himself get out of his bed and then called his valet to get ready, he willed himself into guarding his wishes and hopes deep inside again, but this time, when he looked in the mirror, his face was not downcast and his eyes didn’t drip with sadness. This time there was something far scarier staring back at him. There was hope.

-

Once he came into the dining room, his hope was hanging by a thread. Miss Sharma was there as well, conversing and laughing with Benedict and someone else, an older Lord who had become a widower not long ago.

“What is the name of that gentleman?” he asked his mother without taking his eyes off Miss Sharma.

“That is The Earl of Gloucester. His wife recently died of influenza.” Said his mother with a fake sympathetic tone. “It has been said he is seeking a wife.”

“Why did we invite him?” he asked looking at the fellow. He was way too old for Miss Sharma. She was too alive to be with him.

“Because he has been nothing but nice to us. Pray tell, Anthony, what reason did we have not to invite him?” she asked, knowing the answer and making him glower at her.

“None. If you shall excuse me.” He said before moving closer to Miss Sharma, he did not want to see her smiling at the Earl any more than he wanted to see her close to any man that wasn’t himself.

However, he was not successful in his endeavor, as a delicate hand grabbed his arm, making him stop.

“Lord Bridgerton,” said Lady Mary to his side, he bowed to her and urged himself to calm down in front of the lady, Lord knows he had been acting the fool every time she was around.

“Lady Mary.”

“I see you were going to say hello to my daughter,” she said with a fake smile on her face, “I would rather you did not.”

“Lady Mary, I apologize but I do not understand why you would not wish me to.” He told her frowning, yes, he had maybe been foolish but that did not mean he could not be near her.

“I told you, my Lord, I am not convinced you deserve all the attention Kathani gifts you with.” She told him in a whisper. Kathani.

“Kathani?” he asked instead of acknowledging what she just said.

“Yes, that is her real name.”

“Kathani.” He reapeated looking at her. It suited her, it was beautiful and unique and it imprinted on his soul right away.

“My Lord,” called him Lady Mary, making his eyes come back to her, “I see you care for her and I also see you have not yet made any effort into actually courting her. I implore you, let her go if you are not going to.”

“My Lady… I do not wish to marry.” He told her, the lie evident to anyone who heard him say it.

“Then stop trifling with her feelings. She deserves a chance at happiness.”

“That is exactly what I want for her.” He told her firmly. Because it was. The whole reason of him loving her from afar was to give her that.

“Then you will let her explore her chances, my Lord.” She told him with a frown. “I have talked to her today and she has finally seen reason. Do not make her change her mind.” She asked, making his heart stop beating for a moment.

She had seen reason? Had she made a choice?

He looked at her again and this time her eyes found his, she seemed surprised at seeing him and there was a softness there that wasn’t there the day before. Anthony’s heart started beating wildly in his chest, because he knew he could not marry her but what if she married someone else? Would he be able to survive it? Could he step aside and see her do it?

He simply excused himself and left the room altogether, he could not promise Lady Mary he would let her explore her chances, he could not promise he would watch as she promised herself to someone else.

-

Kate’s POV

-

“You are a beautiful dancer, Miss Sharma.” Said Lady Bridgerton, coming from behind her. She turned and noticed she was accompanied by her eldest, who was of course, scowling. She had not seen him since their gazes briefly met at luncheon and she had wondered where he went.

This time he was not looking at her, though, his eyes were on his brother, Benedict, who only shrugged at his brother and then smiled as if he hadn’t noticed the storm over Lord Bridgerton’s head.

“I appreciate your praise, Lady Bridgerton. It certainly means a lot when all of your children are such good dancers,” she replied with a smile to the lovely matriarch. She felt lighter than she had in years. Maybe from having slept through a storm, maybe because she had spoken to her mother this morning and she had begged her to see to her chances of staying close, which was the only reason she had already danced with three gentleman before Benedict.

“Oh, you flatter us,” said the Dowager Viscountess, but then she looked around, “oh, if only I knew where Colin was. He would take you to the dance floor so I could see you again.” She said, still looking around the room.

“Oh, there is no need.” Replied Kate with a dismissive hand, but Benedict by her side started nodding.

“Well, you have more than one son, mother. What about Anthony?” asked Benedict, the cheeky fool by her side and even though Kate wanted to decline any offers, she turned to Lord Bridgerton and he was already offering her his hand.

“Come now, Miss Sharma. You must listen to your hostess,” he told her, a ghost of a smirk on his mouth and she looked at his mother, she was smiling proudly to her son and Kate found that she could not deny them.

“I have to warn you, my Lord, I am not used to dancing this much. I might step on your feet,” she told him taking his hand.

“Something tells me if you step on my toes, it will be born out of pettiness instead of exhaustion.” He told her while they walked away from his family. She heard Benedict sigh behind her, which was strange.

“Oh, you know me quite well, Lord Bridgerton.” She teased, with a small smile and he smiled back at her. Her stomach did a strange movement, as if it had flipped itself, when she noticed the dimples in his face. He looked quite beautiful when he smiled, he ought to do it all the time.

There was something different about him today, she had noticed it at luncheon. She could not tell what it was, but he seemed more… raw. It was as if his shield was not there anymore, as if all of his emotions were spilling from him.

As they started dancing, she noticed he grew more and more stiff. His eyes were stormy and his mouth worked a lot, but nothing came out. She let him work through it, dancing in silence and of course, he wouldn’t make her wait long. Soon, he opened his mouth to disclose his feelings to her.

“So much happened yesterday that I did not have the time to ask you something. May I, Miss Sharma?” he asked and she merely nodded when he was talking again, “is it true what Lady Danbury said? Are you thinking about taking a spouse?”

“Oh.” Is all she could say for a second, he was looking at her intently, with all the intense focus he usually displayed and she didn’t know how to respond, mainly because even though she had said so to appease her family, she wasn’t sure herself yet. “Yes.”

“No.” He said quickly, making her frown.

“What do you mean no?”

“You cannot.” He told her making all her goodwill disappear.

“Lord Bridgerton, I find that I can do whatever it is that I want.” She told him pursing her lips. He turned her and then her back was to his front and his lips spoke near her ear. She felt goosebumps on her whole back.

“You said you were leaving for India. You cannot stay and take a spouse here. I forbid it.” He whispered, there was something desperate on his voice and she didn’t know exactly why, but she was going to find out.

“You cannot forbid anything, my Lord. You have no right.” She told him again, as she spun to face him.

“And who would you take as a spouse? The Earl of Gloucester?” he questioned her further while they spun together, his nostrils flaring and his eyes had more rage in them than she had ever seen.

“Maybe,” she replied with her chin up, she would not be intimidated by him. “Or maybe Mr. Thomas Dorset. He was interested last time, after all.” She replied while he shook his head.

“Not. Dorset.” He said with a voice lower than she had ever heard him, as if he was trying to threaten her and she frowned further. Who did he think he was? Who did he think she was?

“I am not asking for your permission, Lord Bridgerton.” She told him with her own lower voice. “I can make my own choices, I am a free woman.”

“What about the dowry?” he asked, his voice a different edge now, “You do not have one.”

“Well, If I marry, I can use the dowry we made at the races. And then if he is wealthy enough he can take care of Edwina’s dowry.” She told him, repeating what Mary had reasoned to her that very morning.

“I did not secure that dowry so you could marry.” He spat on her face and she stepped on his foot on purpose, making him wince for a second before he recovered.

“Last time I checked I made that dowry with my knowledge. Is not that what you said, my Lord?” she asked as the music died down and they had to pull away, but he wasn’t pulling away.

“You. Cannot. Marry.” He told her again, his chest moving up and down swiftly. She squared her shoulders and took a step back so she could curtsy.

“What I do with my life should not be your concern, my Lord.” She replied and he scowled once again and just like the last time they had danced, he left the room without a glance back, as if someone was chasing him.

“My Goodness, what happened?” asked Benedict coming behind her, she turned and saw both him and Lady Bridgerton looking at the door concerned.

“I am not sure; I also need a minute.” She said walking out the same route he had taken, she knew it was a flimsy excuse and they both knew she would follow Anthony, but she needed to know why he had reacted to strongly.

Why was he acting as if she was the one in the wrong? He said he did not want to marry her, no matter how many times she had asked and how many times they were close to acting on their impulses, his decision had not been changed, so why was he acting this way? Like a jealous, scorned suitor?

She opened the door to this office and there he was, pacing on the same manner he was the last time.

“Why are you so distressed this time?” she asked, closing the door behind with the lock. She did not want to found with him.

“Are you trying to get revenge? Is that why you are doing this?” he asked, his eyes desperate and wild and her heart felt very much the same.

“Revenge?” she asked as if he had lost his mind, “I am simply trying to stay close to my family!” she yelled without moving from her place, knowing she shouldn’t move closer to him.

“Then do it! Stay here, but do not marry.” He demanded gripping the desk.

“I will not listen to your orders!”

“You never listen!”

“Why would I? It is nonsense! Why would you mind if I marry someone or not?” she asked, demanding an answer with her voice, he gripped the desk harder, his breathing coming harder as well and he was chewing on his bottom lip. In the back of her mind, far away from her anger there was a part of her that felt a sort of heat at the imagine in front of her.

“Oh, do not act as if you do not know!” he yelled, angry, desperation coming from his every pore. “You know why I am acting this way, Miss Sharma! You know you are the single object of all my desires, you know what you do to me.” He had started yelling, but the more he spoke the lower his voice was, until it was almost a whisper.

Her heart hurt to hear his admission, because it did not matter if she knew that or not, it did not matter her effects on him or his effects on her, what mattered was that he was not doing anything about his desires.

“And yet there is no offer from you, my Lord.” She told him, resigned. The fight leaving her body as the wreckage of sadness was left behind.

“I cannot.” He replied, his own sadness on his voice.

“Why not?” she asked, her voice regaining her anger.

“Because love shall have no part in my marriage!” his reply tumbled out of him before he could catch himself, as he finished his sentence, his eyes widened in surprise as if he had been betrayed by his own mouth.

There was a silence then, all that could be heard on the room was the fire crackling and their breathing while his voice thundered on her mind again and again.

Could he love her?

She remembered this was what he told the queen, when they came back in time. She remembered the lengths he went through to secure her Edwina’s dowry and how he told her it was all to protect her from seeing the Sheffields again. His jealousy each time she danced with someone who wasn’t him. His eyes always following her. The way he had read to her and how he stayed uncomfortably sitting while she slept in his chair.

The conversation in the woods, when they were hunting. She remembered his desperation when he was talking of the possibility of her being hurt by the bee stung this time.

“I cannot…loose…” where his words. She hadn’t wanted to make too much fuss about that day, she knew that when she was young and would have panics, she would mumble and babble stuff that many times made no sense, so she tried not to pay too much attention to it, but now, in light of all of this she couldn’t afford not to. Could that have been the reason for his panic? Because he could not lose her?

“Lord Bridgerton,” she whispered, his eyes were intent on her, fear in them, “do you love me?” she asked in a whisper even though she was terrified of him saying he didn’t. For a second it looked like he wasn’t breathing and she realized she was holding her breath as well.

“I…” he started, but then he cleared his throat and looked back at the desk. He straightened himself and put his hands on his back, in that annoying way he usually would, “I think you should leave before Daphne comes.” He replied with a levelled voice.

His face showed neutrality, but his eyes were stormy and she took a deep breath because this could only mean one thing: he did. He loved her and he wanted to keep hiding the fact.

Then why couldn’t he marry her? Was it his disdain for love? Was there something she didn’t know that was buried inside his heart and not her position in society that forbid him from marrying her? She would find out.

“I will leave, but before I do you should know something, Lord Bridgerton,” she started, squaring her shoulders and tilting her chin, ready for what was to come. “There shall be nothing but love in my marriage.” She said, making him frown confused.

“Pardon?”

“As you heard, my Lord. Whomever I marry, I shall love. I will cherish my husband, I will dance with my husband more than it is appropriate, I will promenade by his side as much as I can, I will take a turn about the water with him and I will converse and laugh by his side.” She told him, his eyes went from confused to soft, as if whenever she added something he could see himself by her side, but he also looked so sad, as if longing for something he could never have, which gave her the strength so say the next thing. “And if you, my Lord, are not my husband then you shall watch as I do so.”

He frowned and swallowed, his face moving up as if she had just punched his chin and his eyes were stormy once more.

“So your mind is set on marrying.” He told her instead of taking the bait, so she decided it was time to up the ante.

“Yes. Mr. Thomas Dorset seems like a good enough candidate for me to love.” She said while taking a step forward. “I will make sure you know when we start courting,” another step. “You will of course be invited to the wedding, you will know he will be the one to kiss me,” another step, “to look upon my naked figure,” another step, “to teach me all the ways a lady can be seduced,” she repeated his words as she took another step. His face had transformed once again into rage, he was chewing on his lip furiously and he looked tightly wound. She was two steps away from him. “You will watch as I carry his children,” she continued taunting him, seeing him lose control word by word, and then she took her final step, “I will become Kathani Dorset while you stay away and watch.” She finished.

She saw his face contorted in pain and rage and she did not want to see it, she did not want to hurt him but she needed him to listen to the consequences of his actions, she needed to shake him so he could understand what he was doing before it was too late.

She turned around then and walked towards the door listening to nothing but the beat of her own heart, she would let him marinate with those thoughts and then see if he actually decided to do something soon enough.

She took the lock off the door but as she pulled the handle to get out of his study, the door did not budge. She tried again but it stayed closed again, she tried to take a step back but her body collapsed with another. She went stiff when she looked up saw herself caged against the door by his arms.

“No,” was all he whispered on her ear, but it was with such conviction that she felt herself melt against him.

“Whatever do you mean?” she asked in a whisper as she turned around on the little space he had left her.

“He cannot have you like that,” he said, his voice half rage half agony, while he moved even closer, her whole body bracketed between the door and him. Just a whisper away from touching her.

Suddenly the door moved a fraction, she widened her eyes surprised and she thought the spell would be broken and he would move back, but he didn’t.

“Anthony? Are you there?” asked Daphne on the other side.

“Yes. Can you give me a minute?” he asked with his voice still rough, looking into her eyes, without moving from his position, still almost touching her. Kate felt her whole body alight with desire and she wanted to yell at Daphne to leave them alone.

“Can you let me in?” she asked again, “mother is worried.”

“Tell her to wait for me on the drawing room, I will be there momentarily.” He said, he gave her an inch of space more and she took a deep breath to try and calm her beating heart.

“Well, then,” said Daphne and they heard her steps on the hallway.

“I should go.” She whispered and he nodded, but neither of them moved. And then, just because she couldn’t help herself, she added, “I need not be seen if I want to continue being respectable enough to marry Mr. Dorset.”

And then Anthony growled, truly growled like a madman and lurched himself onto her. His lips crashed with hers and his hands went to her waist, pulling her closer, as if he needed to be as close as possible. He was pushing her against the door and she could feel every part of his body in hers.

It was delicious, her whole body tingled with sensation. He was desperately breathing her in as he devoured her, and she was doing much the same, she had wanted to have this for so long she couldn’t let him go. He seemed to be of the same mind as he continued kissing her even when they had to pull back for air, his lips travelling through her jawline and then on her neck.

“This scent,” he whispered before taking a deep breath on her neck, making her gasp, “has been imprinted in my memory ever since that night at the conservatory ball,” he continued before kissing her neck once more, then his nose moved up and down making her whimper, “lilies.” He concluded, moving his hand to cup her cheek and kissing her soundly again.

Kate could not think, she was all nerve endings and want and oh! How she wanted! She wanted everything he was giving her and more, she wanted this exasperating man to make her his, to explore her whole body and she wanted to mark him down as her own.

His kiss was searing and addictive. He kissed her like a man starved, as if her lips were the one source of life in this planet and he was dying. Kate’s hands had moved on their own accord and were on the back of his head, threading her fingers on his hair, pulling on it, making him groan. It was ecstasy. It was deliriously fantastic. It was more than she could ever imagine.

The hand that wasn’t on her face started moving south, bunching up her skirt. He was about to touch her where it would pleasure her the most when there were some steps on the hallway again. They froze.

The steps were moving closer and suddenly they heard a knock on the door they were still both supported on.

“Anthony?” asked Lady Bridgerton. Kate could feel the heat of the moment abandon her body the second her voice was heard on the office, Anthony peeled himself off of her slowly, his eyes full of shock and despair and Kate closed hers so she wouldn’t have to see when regret hit him. “Anthony?” another knock.

“Yes, mother?” he asked with an affected voice, she felt him move so he could continue holding the door to stop his mother from entering and she felt her skirt fall to the ground again.

“Can you please come to the drawing room with me, dearest?” she asked impatiently.

“Yes, give me a moment.” He asked, one of his hands on her face again, making her open her eyes, “we need to talk,” he whispered so low, it could be said that he was only moving his lips, but she could listen a hint of his voice.

“I will not move until you come with me, Anthony.” Said his mother again and he took a deep breath, grinding his teeth again, it seemed anger could not leave his body for too long.

“Go. We will.” She whispered nodding and it looked like it pained him to move away from her. His eyes never left her face, they roamed from her eyes, to her nose and then to her lips. His were parted and it looked like at any given second he would lurch onto her again.

But he didn’t, he signaled for her to move to the side and she tried to hide herself behind the door as he opened it. His eyes left her the second the space was enough for his mother to see his face.

“I’m coming,” he said moving forward, not giving the dowager an opportunity to step into the office.

“Whatever could have taken you so long, dearest?” she asked as they walked away from the office, his steps quick and determined.

“I needed to clear my head.” He told her.

Kate stayed there, trying to compose her breathing as she heard them walk away. She stayed for a few minutes later, wanting to give herself enough time that she would definitely not see any of the Bridgertons as she walked up the stairs.

She walked fast but silently and found her way to her room without much trouble on the outside, all of her troubles were on the inside.

She had just kissed Anthony Bridgerton and she was almost ravished by him against the door in his study. And she wanted it to happen.

And he loved her, but he didn’t want to marry her.

She felt her eyes fill with tears of anger or sadness, she wasn’t sure, she just knew it was due to the thought of never feeling his kiss again, at this being the only opportunity she would ever have to taste him. At the thought of living the wretched scenario she had painted for him.

Could she do it? Could she really marry someone like Thomas Dorset or the Earl of Gloucester when her heart so steadily belonged to Anthony Bridgerton?

-

Anthony’s POV

-

“What are you doing, Anthony?” asked his mother while he served himself some brandy. His whole body was still hard wired and he had half a brain not to turn around and continue what he started in his study. She had felt so perfect against him, so pliant and warm and soft and so responsive.

As if she had wanted it as much as he did.

“Brother?” asked Daphne this time, making him snap back into the moment. His mother, Daphne and Benedict were all in the drawing room.

“Do you not think it inappropriate that all of the hosts tonight are not at their own ball?” he asked instead of replying his mother.

“Oh, I will be there momentarily. Lady Danbury and Colin are holding the fort for us.” Said his mother with a dismissive wave of her hand and Anthony wondered how she could bend the rules to her whims so easily when she was always so hard on him.

“And you trust Colin to hold the fort that easily?” he asked with one brow up.

“Anthony, stop stalling. What is going on between you and Miss Sharma?” asked Daphne putting her hands on her hips. Anthony looked at Benedict, he seemed too solemn for his liking.

“Nothing.” He lied.

“Oh, please.” Scoffed his sister, “it is obvious you have affections for Miss Sharma! The two of you cannot seem to stay away from one another!” she insisted and it was even truer than she thought. He had tried and failed to stay away from her a second time. He had been given a second chance and he had repeated almost every single scenario in the hopes of being close to her before she left.

“She is leaving for India.” He said instead of acknowledging anything, but it on itself was an acknowledgement.

“Unless she finds a husband,” said his mother moving closer to him, “I have stayed quiet long enough. I realized I did not find the best words for you at the start of the season and that you cling to the wrong things,” she continued, making him frown. “You are not going to end up alone, dearest.” She said forcefully, apparently wanting to convince him. Anthony simply swallowed.

“Did you say that to him?” asked Benedict, bewildered all of a sudden. There was an accusation in his voice and Anthony was hit with the realization that he was being supported once again by his brother. He had his back.

“Because of the high standards he was setting for these ladies! Not because he is unlovable!” said his mother, defending herself.

“And what? Was he supposed to marry the first lady who approached fast enough?” asked Benedict again and Anthony wanted to weep. For the first time since his father died, he felt like he could weep in front of his family, but he wouldn’t.

“What do you know, Benedict?” asked Daphne looking between the two brothers suspiciously.

“More than you, clearly.” He replied sardonically. “Because I have asked instead of accusing.” He continued.

“You have accused plenty! I remember how you two comported yourselves when I first arrived at Aubrey Hall.” Said Daphne moving closer to Benedict and Anthony wondered how he got into this mess in the first place. He couldn’t remember the last time this many members of his family discussed his affairs. And in the back of his mind, he wondered how easily it would be to let them continue fighting amongst themselves so he could go back to his study. To her.

“I was angry at him, yes, but then I asked and I understood why. You should try it.” Said Benedict again and Anthony winced. He did not want to have this conversation, especially not with so many witnesses.

“Fine. Why do you not wish to get married, Anthony?” asked Daphne petulantly. He drank his whole glass in one go and then looked at his mother, he had not gone to his father’s grave this time around so that he would not have to have this conversation twice. He had said his piece once and he was happy with that, he did not need to open the wound twice, but apparently, he was going to have to.

“I would prefer to live a pleasant enough life untouched by heartbreak and the ravages of grief.” He told her, looking into her eyes. He saw the way his words impacted her, she opened her mouth and looked down at her hands, as if there was shame in her eyes. And it might have been shame, just like it was the first time they spoke about this.

His brother and sister were silent, nobody dared to move and Anthony wished he could say more but there was a knot in his throat.

“Anthony…” started his mother but then he felt his second wind and instead of sadness, anger took hold of him. A subdued anger, but it was there nonetheless.

“You were barely even there,” he continued, “after he died. And yet, I myself, am cursed to remember every waking moment.” He said with a shaky voice and his mother’s eyes filled with tears. “I could never…” he tried, but he failed to continue, so he tried again, “I could never be the cause of such pain. No matter how cruel and half-hearted everyone else might find me to be.” He said looking at Daphne and Benedict, who were both downcast. “I could never do that to Miss Sharma.” He finished passionately. Because he couldn’t.

He walked over to the door, since he had said his piece, and he wanted to finish this conversation so he could find a way to speak to Miss Sharma. Kathani. How could he do that to her? But how could he let her go and marry someone else now that he knew what it was like to have her? Now that he had tasted her and she had been so willing, how could he give her up?

“We do not have to make the same mistakes mother did,” said Daphne to his back, making him turn around surprised. He was sure she and their mother were so alike they could never argue, but seeing the fire in Daphne’s eyes was telling her there was something there too. “And Kate is a strong woman.”

“Kate already had to pick-up the pieces of her family when her father died. I could never ask her to do so again.” He told her with a frown, how could it be so hard to understand? They were staring at him silent for a few moments as if confused, and then Benedict cleared his throat.

“You are not going to die young just because father did,” he said serious, making both his sister and mother gasp.

“Anthony, it was an accident-” said his mother moving closer to him.

“An accident can happen to anybody.” He insisted, interrupting his mother because he didn’t want to hear whatever she wanted to use against his logic.

“But it does not have to happen to you.” Continued Benedict as if Anthony was the one who was too stubborn to understand. “It is not a curse.”

“I do not need you to understand,” he continued, somehow panic was rising in his throat at the thought of having to open his heart and hopes to his family in this manner. All he wanted was to talk to Kate, she would understand, he was sure.

“Then let her decide.” Said Benedict. “Tell her what your reservations are and then let her decide if she wants to take the risk of losing the one she loves soon after the wedding or not marrying you at all.”

“She does not love me,” said Anthony shaking his head. She felt passion for him, that he was sure of, especially after what had happened not a quarter of an hour before, but love? No. That was not what she felt.

“Anthony you must be blind not to see it, because we all do. She loves you. And you love her.” Said Daphne crossing her arms and frowning.

“You look at each other as if there is nobody else in the room.” Added Benedict, “it would be quite unsettling if not for the fact that it is lovely to see you this way.”

“Whatever do you mean?”

“You are smiling, dearest.” Said his mother instead of his brother, “You seem lighter than you have in years when you are in her presence.” She finished with a small smile.

“And with good reason, she understands you better than we ever have.” Said Benedict making Anthony feel something loosen in his chest. They were right. Kathani Sharma had disarmed him not once but twice and all he had done was push her away.

‘I will cherish my husband… And if you, my Lord, are not my husband then you shall watch as I do so.’ He heard her say in his mind. Would that mean that she wanted to cherish him? Could she actually love him back?

“I think you are right, I know what I have to do.” He said before turning around and leaving the room.

Chapter Text

I want auroras and sad prose

Edwina’s POV

-

Edwina came into her room, looking for Kate. She had been missing for almost an hour from the ball and she had no clue as to where she had gone. Of course, as soon as she stepped into the room, she saw her pacing the floor.

“What is going on Didi?” she asked, her sister motioned for her to close the door and she looked like she was having a hard time keeping everything inside in the way she always did, it looked like this time she was about to explode.

“I kissed the Viscount,” she told her quietly, as if afraid anyone else might hear, even though they were alone. Of course, Edwina had no such notions, she squealed with glee.

“Yes! When? How?” she asked throwing herself on her sister’s bed, wanting to hear every detail.

“Not long ago. Oh, Bon, I fear I might have messed everything up.” She confessed throwing herself on the bed as well. She was so excited to see her sister like this, unbidden by her many inner conflicts and limits she made up in her head.

“Why would you say that? It cannot be that the Viscount did not enjoy it. That man is positively besotted!” She told her as she laid down beside her sister, they probably looked like little kids, strewn across the bed, Kate looking towards the ceiling as Edwina looked at her big sister.

“Apparently he is.” She told her with a small smile, when Edwina gasped, Kate turned her head to look at her and then let out a giggle. “He could not tell me he does not love me, which of course means he does.” She finished scrunching up her nose. Edwina squealed again and Kate giggled some more, she looked so happy she could burst.

“I do not understand. This is happy news! Whyever do you think it not?” she asked once the fit of giggles dissolved and all that was left was a look of worry.

“It is only… we could not talk about it. His mother came looking for him and I had to hide. We could not be seen or I would be compromised and then you would have to live with the consequences.”

“Oh, that is only if you do not marry and he has to marry you now!” she said grabbing her hand so her sister could feel her hope, as if it was contagious.

“What if he does not?” she asked and her beautiful eyes were full of worry, “what if he does not and then I would truly have to go back to India. I could never marry anyone else, not after what just happened.” She confided in her and Edwina squeezed her sister’s hand once more.

“He will marry you. He has to! He loves you, Didi!” she encouraged, of course, she could not ensure he would, but she hoped he would. It was not just a passing fancy; Edwina was sure the Viscount loved Kate.

Of course he did, she noticed it on everything he did. The way he got out of his way to help her, to include her. How he always looked for her to get her opinion on things, even when they would usually end up bickering. In the manner in which he would look at her, ever since he met her, especially since Kate started dancing with other members of the Ton and how he could never stay too far from where she was dancing.

But it was mostly in the way his eyes followed her everywhere she went, and how soft they would turn. The man was always so proper and just… uptight, but when he was around Kate, he would either simmer in anger or melt under her gaze. He was not the proper neutral Viscount Bridgerton when Kate was around, he was a man. Edwina could see it, mama could see it, even though she was kind of mad at him for not stepping up already, but Lady Danbury and all of the Bridgertons saw it as well, it was not news.

What was news, and quite scandalous at that, was the fact that they had shared a kiss!

“Would you forgive me if I ended up going back, Bon? If I did not stay and marry someone I do not love?” asked Kae suddenly, taking Edwina back to the present moment. Her sister looked so frightened all of a sudden, as if there was anything she could do to make Edwina hate her!

“Of course I would! I would understand.” She told her moving closer, wanting to comfort the person who always comforted her.

“Is… is there any part of you that does not like what is happening between me and Lord Bridgerton?” she asked with that look in her eyes again, puzzling Edwina.

“Um…I do not like that… it is taking so long for him to propose.” She concluded after trying to gather why her sister was asking that.

“No, that is not what I mean.” She said looking at the ceiling again, she sighed and then tried again, “You are the diamond of the season and he is… well, the most eligible bachelor. Would you not have liked to be courted by him?” she asked and Edwina could feel how her muscles tightened on her arm, as if bracing for impact.

Edwina could not understand where all of this came from, and she saw how important this answer was to her sister, so she tried her best to articulate her feelings and be as truthful as possible.

“Well, I should have liked to have his attention when I was first named the diamond, mostly because he is a Viscount and that sounds...” her sister’s attention was on her and she nodded, guilt in her eyes, so she continued, “I should have liked being a Viscountess, however, I do not think I could have been hisViscountess.”

“You would have been the mistress of this house.” She teased weakly, there was still some guilt in her eyes.

“Yes, but… I am certain his eyes would never meet mine in the same manner they do yours. And if he had not met you before and somehow ended up courting me, I feel as if it would all have been a charade, and would soon end the moment he met you.” She finished, her words finally sinking in on her sister. “Has this been on your mind the whole season?”

“Yes. I have never wanted to take anything for myself that you might have wished for.”

“Oh, Kate. As soon as I saw you two interact, I knew he was not for me.” She told her, but then remembered that was not quite true. “Alright, maybe it was not as soon as that. When I saw you giggling at his side and the manner in which he was looking at you, with that smile on his face. You two looked like the very picture of love.”

“Oh, that is too soon to have been in love for sure.” She told her rolling her eyes, but Edwina just pulled her arm so she would look at her again.

“What was is that Appa said about love?” she asked, expecting Kate to recite it back to her. Her sister sighed and then indulged her.

“True love is when the rest of the world goes quiet. It is not eyes that meet, but souls that dance.”

“That is what I see every time you and the Viscount look at each other.” She told her, making Kate smile.

“Alright, let us go to bed, we need to get up early tomorrow so we can leave Aubrey Hall.” She said instead of anything else, making Edwina giddy with the thought of having calmed her sister down.

She slept happy in the knowledge that soon her sister would be married and maybe she would have a chance at love herself, if everything went right. Once she woke up, she looked at her sister’s bed only to find it empty and she sighed. Of course Kate would go on a morning ride to calm down her nerves. Or maybe she was on a secret rendezvous with the Viscount.

She got out of bed giddy with the thought, and later, could not stop swooning and thinking about what their wedding would be like as the maid was doing her hair. Kate had not come back yet from her ride and all Edwina wanted to do was ask her for more details, for how desperate Kate had been to tell someone she had not spared too much information.

However, as she prepared herself to break her fast, she heard some shouting downstairs and a ruckus that followed. She went to her door and opened it, only to find the Viscount running to the room with her sister in his arms.

“Move over!” he yelled and she listened, as he looked dead serious. Behind him Lady Violet and Lady Danbury followed, her mama came out of the room next door also trying to see what all the noise was about, right on time to see when Lord Bridgerton put Kate on her bed. She was soaking wet, her hair was all over the bed and the Viscount’s hand was bright red.

“What happened?” asked Lady Danbury, while Edwina and her mother seemed to be at a loss for words.

“Call the surgeon at once!” shouted the Viscount instead, moving around as if to make her sister more comfortable on the bed.

“He is on his way, my Lord.” Said a maid by the door. Edwina felt like the world had stopped, all she could do was watch as Lord Bridgerton continued to hold her sister’s head and more and more people gathered at the door.

“I am here.” Said a man walking inside speedily, after what felt like forever.

“She has a cut in the back of her head,” said the Viscount as soon as the man entered, “I have kept pressure on it but it needs stitching.” He moved back as the surgeon started his perusing on Kate, but the Viscount did not go far, he fussed over her blankets, shouting that she was still shivering, springing her mother into action.

“Allow me to get to work.” Asked the doctor and only then did the Viscount retreat closer to the door, Edwina’s eyes were on her sister, but she could hear the mumblings of a conversation between Benedict and Anthony. She did not process any of it as her breathing felt trapped in her lungs as she looked at the surgeon work.

All she could hear about it was the Viscount saying it was all his fault.

-

This would not do.

It had been five days since the accident, five days where Edwina and Mary had spent every single moment by Kate’s side, talking to her, asking her to wake up, crying about the possibility of her never coming back and not once had Lord Bridgerton come to see her.

Edwina thought he would come on the second day, seeing as how desperate he had looked on that first day, as if a part of his own heart had been on that bed and he needed for it to be revived and tended to, however he had not come.

Neither on the third, nor the fourth and now it was the fifth day and supper had been delivered to Kate’s room and he was still nowhere to be found.

This would not do. Kate deserved better from the man who supposedly loved her and had compromised her.

“It is enough.” She said standing up and marching outside the room.

“Whatever do you mean, Edwina?” asked her mother walking behind her, but Edwina had spent her whole life doing what her mother and sister wanted her to, she had learnt how to tame her precociousness and turn it into demureness. She had learnt to smile in the precise way people expected her to and to speak in a language that wasn’t her own without a trace of the accent her sister had never bothered to get rid of.

She had exceeded expectations and she had learnt dances and she had read it all, even though she enjoyed fiction a lot better than sermons, she still read them, she still learnt to play all of the instruments her sister deemed important and she had done so beautifully, people said. She had been perfect and she had done it all for her family.

But today, after the terrible accident that threatened to take the life of her dear sister, after not sleeping comfortably for days, after thinking day in and day out about how she should tame her heart and stop it from beating loudly for a second son, she could not take it any longer.

“Where is Lord Bridgerton?” she asked as soon as she entered the dining room where all the Bridgertons were. All except for him, of course.

“Miss Edwina, is everything alright?” asked Lady Violet and Edwina should be thankful to her and she should smile and demure and placate, but she couldn’t any longer.

“All would be better if your son troubled himself to come see her.” She replied crossing her arms.

“Edwina.” Chastised her mother, however, Lady Violet gasped.

“He has not yet been to see her?” she asked standing up.

“Not since he brought her in.” replied Benedict downcast. Edwina knew he was one of the people trying to push them together and she would have liked to imagine the gentleman coaxing his brother into going to her sister’s room, but she had no room for goodwill right now.

“Where is he?” she asked again, petulantly.

“Brooding in his study, as usual.” Replied Eloise with an unladylike shrug that Edwina envied, she steeled herself on that and then marched outside the dining room.

“Edwina!” called her mother behind her, but she didn’t want to stop. She heard steps behind her and she tried to remember where the study was, she cursed herself for not paying more attention but this house was too big to know by heart.

“On your right, dear.” Said Lady Violet behind her, she turned and the two mothers were walking with her, she nodded and then walked through the hallway to her right until she found the study.

She did not knock. She just barged in and there he was, looking down to his papers, pale as if he hadn’t seen the light of day for a week and with dark circles under his eyes. As soon as his eyes laid upon them, they widened with surprise.

“Is she awake?” he asked and Edwina hated how her heart squeezed for the way his eyes lightened up with hope. She would squash it and she would not enjoy it, but maybe she would just a little bit.

“No.” she replied and his whole body slumped down in defeat, “and she will not until you come to see her.”

“I have been busy.” He replied going back to his papers.

“Funny. You were not busy when she was awake. Everywhere she went, you would follow, my Lord, and now that she needs you most, you are too busy to be there for her.”

“She does not need me. She will wake up soon enough and you will be free to leave.” He told her frowning, his body tense and she wished she could see the man her sister saw. This was a most heartless, cold Viscount, not the passionate man he turned to whenever her sister was around.

“You are a coward,” said her mother behind her, surprising her. “I was right all along; you do not deserve Kathani.” She said with a voice that denoted she was close to crying.

“Yes. You are right.” He replied looking at her mama. His face was impassive, as if he had come to that conclusion long ago. “Now you know why I never offered her marriage.” He finished; his eyes betrayed his passive face. He looked heartbroken.

“Dearest, please explain to them. She will understand.” Said Lady Violet, surprising her even further.

“There is nothing to explain, mother. They are right. Her accident was my fault and I do not deserve to be near her.” He told them looking at his desk, making Edwina frown.

“We never said her accident was your fault.” She told him, confused, “we said you should be by her side while she recovers.”

“She should not want me there,” he muttered and Edwina wondered how he could lie so easily.

“Of course she should! Especially after what happened the night before the accident.” She said, making him drop his pen in surprise.

“What happened the night before the accident?” asked both mamas behind her, but she continued looking only at the Viscount.

“She confided in you what happened that night?” he asked looking more vulnerable than she had ever seen. Stern Viscount Bridgerton turned to putty by her sister.

“Yes. You cannot treat my sister thusly! You must marry her! She is all things good and strong. A better and more determined Viscountess you will not find!” she continued, anger and sadness and hope for her sister’s future all running through her veins in a race to her heart.

“She..” he started talking but then he stopped, as if overcome with emotion because of her words, Edwina did not understand why but there was something like nostalgia in his eyes. He stayed silent and anger won the race.

“I will tell your mother if you do not come to see her tomorrow.” She threatened, making him frown.

“Anthony, what happened that night? I trust you did not compromise her?” she asked behind her, Edwina was not looking at her, because she could not actually tell her, she had been sworn to secrecy. However, she would do anything for her sister and she knew she was not going to wake up until the Viscount came to her room, she could feel it in her bones.

“I… nothing… we…” he stuttered, trying to find the words, but he seemed at a loss.

“Is that why you say the accident was your fault? Were you there?” asked her mama, taking a step forward. He put his left hand in front of his mouth before he spoke.

“I saw her falling from the horse, and I called after her but she did not respond. She kept going…” he replied, looking nowhere, as if living in that moment once more and his face was pinched in pain.

“That does not mean it is your fault, dearest.” Said Lady Violet taking a step forward as well.

“You were right, I should have let her marry someone else.” He replied looking at her mama with so much regret in his eyes. Edwina wondered when had her mama spoken to him in such a manner.

“No one shall make that choice but her.” Said Edwina looking between both of them.

Everyone stayed silent for a few moments, she knew what he was thinking instantly: if she were ever to wake up. He looked so sorrowful, so regretful, that she could not fathom the idea of him not loving her sister. It was written all over his face: he was fearful of losing her.

“What is it that your mother wishes for you to explain?” asked her mother, apparently, she could also read his face and she took pity in him. He took a deep breath, his mouth worked as if preparing himself to speak, but he didn’t for almost a minute.

“He believes he will die young, in the same fashion his father did.” Said Lady Violet mournfully, Anthony’s eyes widened in surprise but he did not say anything. He just nodded. Edwina was taken aback, Kate had told her the late Lord Bridgerton died of a bee sting, which seemed like something easy to avoid once one knew what to expect.

“Is that why you do not wish to marry her?” asked her mother to her side.

“She has already felt too much grief, I do not wish for her to go through it again.” He told her truthfully, his mask long gone. In front of them, there was a young man who had suffered through a lot, and who expected more suffering. Someone who wanted to spare other people the same pain.

Edwina’s heart ached at the thought of her sister finding someone so alike her and losing him.

“If she were to wake up today and we were to leave, do you not think her grief over the what ifs would be the same as if she were to marry you and then lose you in a few years?” asked her mama walking towards his desk, until she was right in front of him.

“I… would assume it would pass.” He told her shrugging.

“Boy, look at yourself. She is not yet gone and here you are, drowning in your grief. The thought of never seeing her again is killing you, is it not?” she asked and he nodded, his eyes somewhere else. “I left everything I knew when I met Kate’s father and he died not long after we got married, I must confess I did not handle it well enough. I allowed my grief consume me, but Kate did not. She is stronger than we all are.”

“But she should not have to be!” he shouted all of a sudden. His exasperation with the situation coming to a boiling point, astonishing them all. “I just want her to be happy.” He whispered after his outburst.

“Then make her happy.” Said Edwina when nobody else dared say anything. His face crumbled and he just looked at the desk again, as if she could not understand what she was asking of him.

“Losing Edmund was the most difficult time of my life,” said Lady Violet walking towards the desk as well, “and the pain that I felt? Beyond description.” She continued walking until she was right beside her son, she let her weight rest on the desk and put her hand on her son’s face to make him look her. “But there is one thing that has given me at least some modicum of solace, it is knowing that I would still choose the life I led with him each and every time. I would undoubtedly feel the same pain I felt all over again if I had to, because real true love is worth it. No matter what.”

Anthony’s brows scrunched up while looking up at his mother and Edwina wondered if he was trying not to cry. She had never seen a Lord cry and she did not wish it either, but she knew in her heart that if she ever were to see one cry it would be Lord Bridgerton when it came to her sister.

“I would too.” Said her mama on his other side and Edwina took a few steps to grab her hand, to give her strength. “And if Kate were given the chance, I am sure she would as well.” She finished, nodding to the Viscount, encouragingly.

“Do not lose her, Anthony. You cannot lose her.” Begged his mother and Anthony Bridgerton left a tear run down his face as he nodded. He wiped it hastily after a few seconds and then looked at Edwina and her mama.

“Can I see her tonight?” he asked them in a whisper and Edwina nodded because she could not say anything out loud, she was about to weep.

She was sure this meant her sister would wake up soon. She had to.

-

Anthony’s POV

-

He was working on his ledgers, but every few minutes he would look up, to see her sleeping figure. She looked just as beautiful as ever, but he missed her voice, her expressive eyes, the way she always knew how to put him in his place and how she always understood him.

After Edwina and Lady Mary had confronted him, he had asked for his valet to help him put a desk into Miss Sharma’s room, so he could work from there. That had been two days ago, he had been eating all of his meals with the Sharmas and they had regaled him with stories about Kate, some of them finished in laughter, but most ended up in tears once they looked at her passively lying in bed.

Not his, of course, he had allowed himself one single tear when his mother had spoken about his father’s death and how she would do it all again, but nothing afterwards. Lady Mary was doing some embroidery now, while Edwina read by her sister’s other side and Anthony felt a lot better than he had the first few days when he had hidden in his study.

The same study where she had taunted him. Where he had kissed her. Where he had realized his life would never be the same. The same study where a ring remained hidden that he had promised would only belong to her should she want it.

The door opened and Lady Danbury walked through it, she looked at everyone in the room and smiled sadly.

“Lady Mary, have you seen the new blooms in the garden? I am sure you will enjoy them tremendously.” She said as a thinly veiled invitation.

“I assure you I will see them as soon as Kate wakes.” She told her, going back to her work.

“I think the fresh air would be beneficial for all of you, my dears.” She said looking around. Anthony went back to his ledgers, there was no other place he would rather be.

“Mama, maybe it would be good for you to take a turn around the garden, me and Lord Bridgerton will stay here and we will fetch for you should anything happen.” Said Edwina with a small smile and Lady Mary looked through the window for a few moments, until she sighed and then stood up.

“Very well, then.” She said, but instead of walking towards the door, she walked to his desk. “My Lord, could I trouble you with taking my place? It would break my heart to know she opened her eyes and did not see someone by her side.”

“I am by her side.” Objected Edwina and Anthony almost smiled.

“I know, dearest. I just mean, I want Kate to see someone whether she looks to her right or to her left as she wakes.” She explained looking at him. He had not been close to her since the night they had insisted he came, when they left him alone with her for five minutes and he had let himself touch her hand, and her face and somehow, he had managed not to weep at the image in front of him.

“Of course I will take your place, my Lady.” He told her letting his pen on the desk and then walking towards her bed as Lady Mary walked out the door with Lady Danbury.

“Lord Bridgerton,” called Edwina as he sat in the bed, looking at Kate’s beautiful and peaceful face, “would you tell me about the time you met my sister? She barely told us anything.”

“What did she tell you?” he asked, his eyes still on her.

“That you found her riding and asked if she was in trouble, so she rode faster to run away from you. Then she told her horse about her issues with the Sheffields and you overheard her but swore you would never say anything, and afterwards, you did not exchange names.”

“Huh. I have always thought about it as racing one another.” He said with a small smile. “Of course she won, because we did not make an agreement on a start or a finish line. She did say it was not a race because I was not competition for her.” He remembered; it had been so long ago now that the words they had exchanged did not come as easily as their other encounters did.

Of course, he had replayed their interactions in his mind one too many times, but that moment, the moment they met, was so special to him in part because it had only happened once. Because of the stone and their own choices, a lot of their interactions had been lived twice, but he could not hide behind that fact. He had memorized every single one of her words the first time he heard them.

 “Do you believe she can hear us?” asked Edwina making him come back to reality.

“I hope so.” He told her.

“What would you tell her?” she asked and Anthony had let this girl seen him at his worst, so there was not too much more he could hide.

“That I miss her. That I wish to bicker with her once more, dance with her, once more.” He confessed and he wished more than anything to look into her eyes once more.

He understood now, what his mother had been talking about. Now that he was allowing himself to see her and to be by her side and be confronted with the idea of losing her for real, he understood why his mother would do it all over again.

He would too. If she truly left this earth, he would forever be thankful he got to kiss her once, even if it killed him now that he would never get to do so again, at least he got a taste of her. He would gladly suffer what was left of his life with that knowledge than live a full normal life without having ever met her.

If only he could use the stone again, he would stay in his office and he would not let her leave his side ever again.

What if he could?

What if he could convince the Queen of letting him use the stone again?

“What happened, my Lord?” asked Edwina suddenly, making his eyes focus on the present moment.

“Whyever do you ask, Miss Edwina?”

“You have a look on your face, something that looks a lot different than what I have seen these past few days.”

“What would you call it?” he asked her.

“Determination.” She said and Anthony nodded. That was what he could feel in his veins. Determination.

He wasn’t sure the Queen would take kindly to his request, but he did not care. If she did not, he would find a way to get to that closet and use it. If he had to hide in the palace for days as to not call attention he would.

He nodded again and then looked at his Kate and took her hand in his. He kissed her knuckles, not caring that Edwina was watching and then nodded again.

“I am going to get you back.” He promised, before kissing her hand again and standing up.

However, before he could let her hand go, he felt her hand squeeze his.

His heart started beating wildly in his chest as he sat back down on the bed, he was focused on her face, trying to look for any signs of her coming back.

“What is going on?” asked Edwina by his side, but he did not take his eyes from her.

“Kate?” he asked, squeezing her hand and she squeezed again, this time he was sure. “She’s squeezing my hand!” he proclaimed loudly, Edwina dropped her book and then took her sister’s other hand.

“Kate? Can you hear me?” she asked and then squealed, “she squeezed me too!” she shouted.

“Edwina?” asked Kate before she opened her eyes with some effort and Edwina squealed again, but this time she run to the door and called for her mama and Lady Danbury.

“You are awake.” He whispered, squeezing her one hand with both of his. He could hardly breathe through his nose, because his chest and throat felt thick with relief, her eyes moved to him and she looked surprised.

“Anthony,” she whispered and he could not stop himself. He brought her hand to his mouth and kissed it while he closed his eyes, letting himself feel relief wash over him. Then, he moved her hand and held it against his forehead so he could hide his tears from her, but he knew she would see them. All that could be heard on the room was his heavy breathing and Edwina’s steps from the door.

“Oh Didi!” said Edwina and he could hear in her voice that she was about to cry as well, more steps came from the hallway and he managed to stop weeping once Lady Mary came into the door. By the time Lady Danbury and her cane could he heard, he had wiped his tears.

Kate’s eyes were on him and she was squeezing his hand more forcefully now, as if she wanted to give him strength.

“What happened?” asked Kate while being surrounded by everyone. Lady Mary was touching her face and Edwina holding her other hand.

“Do you not remembered what happened?” asked Edwina bewildered and then, Kate looked to the ceiling as if looking for her memories.

“I was riding my horse but the path was slippery… Oh, I fell from the horse. I am so sorry.” She said looking around and her eyes looked to everyone, only to stay on his. He was still holding her hand close to his face and he kissed it once more. Wanting to feel her close, feel her warmth and convince himself she was alive. He had not lost her.

“Oh, do not strain yourself, Didi.” Said Edwina to her sister. “We are merely glad you have awakened.” She told her and everyone nodded.

“We must be thankful Lord Bridgerton found you and brought you back, quite gallantly in fact.” Said Lady Danbury and he shook his head. He was not gallant, he was desperate.

“Thank you, my Lord.” She told him with a small smile.

“I am thankful of the manner in which we met, as I knew of your fondness for a morning ride. I do not wish to think…” he started, but he could not continue, the feelings were bubbling under the surface and he was still too raw.

“Let us not think about what could have happened.” Instructed Lady Danbury, “Miss Sharma is awake now. We shall fetch for the surgeon and let her rest. Let us empty her bedchamber”

“No.” he said aggravated, he did not want to be away from her now, not when she had finally woken up, not when he had finally given in to his feelings. Not when he wanted so desperately to ask her to marry him.

“My Lord, you can now continue your business in your study. We can take this desk from her room.” Said Lady Danbury making him shake his head even more.

“I shall stay here, working. She can rest on her bed and me and Edwina can keep an eye on her shall anything happen.” He said, still not letting go of her hand.

“Lord Bridgerton-”

“Let us see what the surgeon says,” interrupted Lady Mary, making him feel relief again. After the last couple of days, Lady Mary had softened to him and he thanked God for it.

“Fine.” Relented the dowager and then, they all let her rest. “However, the maid needs to let us know once the surgeon comes, nobody but us can know that there is a man in her room while she is in a state of undress.”

“Of course.” He said, even though he knew it did not matter. He was going to marry her anyway. He had to. “We must protect her honor.” He said, looking at Edwina, because her honor was the one to be protected.

“Thank you, my Lord.” She said with a small smile, and then she looked at her sister, who seemed a bit lost at their interaction. A few minutes later, the maid came to announce the surgeon had arrived, begrudgingly, he let go of her hand and left the room so the surgeon could come and examine her.

Afterwards, once he too had left her bedchamber, he asked the surgeon how everything looked, and he said her wound had scared nicely and that she seemed to be alright. She needed to rest for a couple of days and then she should go back to activities slowly. Anthony nodded and then dismissed him, so he could go back to her room.

He came in but instead of walking towards her bed, he did as he was asked to do. He went back to his desk, so she could rest but he could not resist looking at her. She seemed content and she gave him a confused smile, he smiled at her as he sat down with his ledgers, and Edwina started reading out loud for her sister as Kate closed her eyes with a small smile on her face, but whenever his eyes moved up to look at her, hers would find him and relief would fill his gut again.

And love. So much love.

Chapter Text

A red rose grew up out of ice frozen ground

Kate’s POV

-

Kate was confused, but she did not dare ask questions. She was afraid it would be taken away from her. For three days, Anthony Bridgerton had not left her room. He would work on his ledgers (at her bedchamber!), he would also eat all of his meals with her and her family. He would look at her with the softest gaze imaginable and he was smiling so much, his dimples were almost permanent on his face now.

She was happy.

And she was scared she would lose it if she asked what all of this meant. So she didn’t.

She stayed in bed, letting Edwina read to her, and listening to her family tell the Viscount embarrassing stories of her childhood, and she heard his stories about his siblings. One time Hyacinth and Greggory came to the room with Violet and they told her stories about Anthony as well.

They all tried to help her walk for a few steps a day to exercise but did not let her do much more and even though she was happy, she was also starting to feel restless. She was not used to being fussed about by her family or anyone for that matter and there was no one that was better at fussing than Anthony.

“I want to break my fast with everyone today.” She announced on the fourth morning and her family looked at Anthony, as if he had the final say in it, which only made Kate ready to fight him on it, but it turned out she didn’t have to.

“That should be no issue, I’ll wait outside to escort you while the maids dress you.” He told her before he bowed and left the room, making her frown. When had he ever been so easily convinced?

“Let us help you get dressed.” Said Edwina with a smile and Kate felt like there was something she was not in on. “It must feel nice to get dressed again, should it not?” she asked as she pulled one of her fancier dresses.

“I do not need to wear that, that is for balls.” She said, looking at her orange dress that Edwina had pulled from her trunk.

“Oh, it is a celebration to see you walking about the house. You shall dress as if going to a ball.” She said nodding, as if this was all already decided, which made Kate roll her eyes.

“It is nonsensical to wear that just to break my fast.” She argued.

“Well, then you must do more today than just break your fast with everyone. You must take a turn about the garden and have luncheon and then maybe even stay in the drawing room until supper.”

“Maybe I could try and mount a horse.” She told them half joking, but both her sister and mama looked at her as if she was crazy.

“You will be lucky if you ever get to mount a horse again, but that shall not be soon. Lord Bridgerton would not allow it.” Said Edwina helping with her her hair as the maids helped with her clothes.

“Oh, please. I am an adult. I do not need for him to allow me to do anything.” She said petulantly. The fact that he was fussing over her did not mean that he could boss her around.

“You forget we are in his house, dear,” said her mother from her chair on the Viscount’s makeshift working space. “And I do not know when we are going back to Lady Danbury’s house.”

“Soon, of course. Edwina is still in the search of a husband.”

“I do not mind spending a few more days in the country.” She said shrugging and Kate frowned at her.

“You have a lot of prospects to see still, Bon. You do not have any serious suitors.” She reminded her and Edwina merely rolled her eyes.

“Didi, stop focusing on that, I will get married soon enough. Need I remind you I am still the diamond? It will all be alright.” She insisted and then she shushed her so she could focus on her hair.

Kate let them fuss over her in the same manner they had done these last couple of days, after all she knew she had given them quite the frighten. She could give them these last few days in Aubrey Hall and once she could go back to walking without needing support, she would kindly ask them to back off.

Once she was ready, she could see some emotion in both her sister and her mama’s eyes, making her feel bad again for having fallen from her horse. She could tell they were thinking about what would have happened, and all Kate could do now was smile at them, trying to appease them, but soon she turned towards the door to try and escape the tightness in her chest. However, the did not want to let her go alone, they walked her, one of them on each arm.

A maid opened the door and Lord Bridgerton was there, his eyes moved up and down her figure and she could feel the warmth of his gaze heating up every part of her body they moved through. Apparently, an open wound on her head could not tone down her desire for him.

However, once his eyes reached her face, his wild eyes softened. He smiled at her in that way he had been doing for the last two days and then offered his arm and her family happily left her side so she could go with him.

“It is most unsettling how you have them wrapped around your finger.” She whispered to him as they all walked to the dining room and her mama and sister started whispering on their own behind them.

“I have been known to have a pleasing smile,” he teased, “and it must help that I own the house we are all staying at.” He continued, making her roll her eyes, even though she was smiling.

“Yes. It is a most charming house.”

“I remember how charmed you were the first time you laid eyes upon it.” He said looking at her instead of the way ahead.

“That feels so far away, it is almost as if it had been a dream.” She confessed and he nodded. He must feel the same way, after all the only two people who remembered it were them.

“Miss Sharma! It is delightful to see you again!” said Colin coming into the hallway from the stairs, probably coming to break his fast as well.

“Likewise, Mr. Bridgerton.” She said attempting a curtsy, but Anthony did not let her go far by the way he was holding her arm.

“Oh, nonsense. Call me Colin, we are soon to be family after all.” He said cheekily before gesturing for them to go into the room. She blushed, and Anthony made them start walking but did not rebuke him.

Once they entered though, she could not think about it for long, as there were too many Bridgertons in there and they were all excited to see her again. They all came closer to see her, Hyacinth hugged her and Greggory told her he had asked the cook to bake her cinnamon biscuits, as she seemed to have enjoyed those last week.

They sat at the table and, of course, they started ribbing each other. Kate felt herself relax at their banter, how they knew exactly how to piss each other off and how to rebuke them. She would laugh at their antics and then she would look to her left and there he was, Lord Bridgerton, looking at her like she was all he ever wanted to look at, and she couldn’t have hoped for a better morning, until of course, she was the topic of interest.

“But really, it is such a pleasure to have you back at the table, Miss Sharma.” Said Benedict with a little smirk, “and you too, Anthony. We have missed you these last few days.” He finished before drinking from his cup merrily.

“Oh, I for one have had too much of him.” Joked Edwina, making Anthony almost spilt his tea. “Hopefully you can have him back now.”

“Oh, I doubt it. He will surely be following Miss Sharma around now that he cannot guard her bedchamber.” Teased Eloise, making Kate blush once again at how blunt they were all being about their situation. She dared looked at the Viscount who was simply looking at his siblings like they were annoying, but there was a pink twinge in his cheeks.

“Children, that is enough.” Chastised Lady Violet, but then she continued, “before your brother decides to kidnap Miss Sharma and steal her away from all of us.”

“Oh, he would not dare!” said Hyacinth affronted, making Kate chuckle.

“Enough.” Chastised Anthony, and then he shook his head to his youngest sister as if to assure her he would never.

“Yeah, stop it before Anthony decides to hide into the study again to brood.” Joked Colin, making Kate frown.

“Colin! Why do you not regale us with one of your stories about Greece?” asked Benedict making everyone in the table groan except the Sharmas.

“I for one would love to hear about it. I have read plenty about their deities.” Said Edwina with an encouraging smile and then Colin started talking, prompting Kate to turn to the Viscount.

“Whenever could you have locked yourself in your study? You have moved your desk into my bedchamber.” She asked in a whisper. He sighed and then give her an apologetic smile.

“I did not deal with your accident in the best of manners at first.” He whispered back. “We can talk about this later, if you wish.” He said and she nodded.

“I would like that.” She told him before starting to eat again. She half listened to the story Colin was entertaining everyone with, with many a detail, and the other half of the time she spent thinking about how much she needed to talk to Anthony Bridgerton.

 -

They walked to the gardens after everyone had finished eating and went into their own endeavors. Miraculously, Lady Danbury and her mama had thought it safe for them to go unchaperoned as they could see them from inside the house. She found it unusual, but she also quite enjoyed the fact that they would be able to have some privacy. As she walked, she supported herself on his arm more than she would have liked, after all, she had not walked this much in quite a while.

“I was looking for you, the morning of your accident, that is how I found you.” He told her as they walked away from the house, as if he needed to tell her as soon as he could. “I knew we needed to talk about what happened at the library but I could not find you after the talk I had with my mother.”

“I was in my room.” She said, feeling her heart race at the thought of that night.

“When I saw you on the ground… I…” he choked for a second, his face seemed far away and she squeezed his arm, wanting for him to feel the reassurance and he looked at her as if he could still see her like that at this very moment. “I was fearful of losing you.” He whispered.

She nodded, because she understood how that must of have felt like, especially as she remembered the panic he had gotten into because of the bee.

“I apologize for worrying you so much,” she said trying to add levity to their conversation and he gave her a weak smile.

“I hid in my study after the surgeon came. I snapped at everyone in my family and I did not come to your bedchamber for days, until Miss Edwina and Lady Mary barged into my study demanding I came to see you.” He continued, making her frown.

“They did what?” she asked stopping and he stopped by her side, nodding.

“They were furious with me. And with good reason.” He said lifting his brows and she could not fathom they would have been so angry at him when they seemed the best of friends now. “They really took me down a peg.”

“Good for them.” She told him lifting her chin, proud of her little family for sticking out for her. She had to act smug about it or she would weep. “How did they convince you, then?”

“They did not have to. I wanted to be there, I just thought… the reason they do not hate me at the moment is because I told them what I was planning on confessing to you that morning. I told them the truth.”

She looked at him again, he seemed serious and she knew she needed to hear this. They needed to talk about it all, even if she was afraid that the bubble would burst. She wanted a few more minutes, though.

“Let us go near the flowers, they look gorgeous.” She said looking at the garden a few feet from them.

“We can see them just fine from where we are.” Said Anthony not walking closer, because of course, he was overdue on vexing her. Apparently he needed to do it from time to time, there was no way around it.

“My Lord,” she said making him look at her as if she had hurt him, “I just want to smell the flowers.” She insisted.

“Anthony.” He corrected with a frown. “Please do not use my title, I do not want to hear it from your lips.” He said, making her feel warmth in her whole body with the way he was looking at her. It was so intimate and vulnerable she wished she could kiss him again. Not with the heat and desperation they had a few days back, but with tenderness and devotion.

“Anthony. Could you please take me closer to the flowers so I can smell them?” she asked slowly, kind of teasing him but also appeasing him.

“Let me bring you some, then.” He said and then gestured for her to wait sitting on a bench.

“Anthony.” She insisted, her patience running short.

“Kate.” He insisted as he took her hand, “I almost lost you.” He whispered, squeezing her hand and she remembered the way his eyes had watered when she woke up, how his face had scrunched up on relief and how open his gaze was. “Please, do not make me go through it again. Ever, if possible.” He begged and she sighed, as much as she could insist nothing would happen to her if she got stung, she understood his fear more than he knew, so she simply nodded.

He kissed her hand and then went to the garden to collect some flowers for her, she looked at him and smiled to herself. The grumpy, stern and pompous Viscount Bridgerton she had met months ago, was now this soft man crouching on the ground so he could collect flowers for her, just so she would be away from the dreaded bees.

Her heart was so full she did not know what to do with herself. She prayed to the Gods that this would not be taken away from her.

“Thank you,” she whispered when he came back with an assorted bouquet and she sank her nose in the flowers he picked. He sat by her side and looked at her with such devotion that she felt strong enough to continue their conversation. “Anthony… I feel as if I woke up in another timeline.” She told him, making him frown, “one where I get everything I have been hoping for, but I am frightened I am going to wake up soon enough.”

His prominent wrinkle deepened, there were many emotions in his eyes, sadness, worry, longing, but outshining all of them, something she dared call love.

“First, I must apologize for taking this long. You were correct, I cannot live the life you painted for me in my study.” He said as he took one of her hands in his. “I love you. I have loved you from the moment we raced each other in that park. I have loved you at every dance, on every walk, every time we have been together and every time we have been apart. In every version of our lives, I am sure I would love you. Every time.” He told her with so much devotion and certainty that Kate could not help the sting in her eyes.

“I do not know what to say…” she told him, because she truly did not know what to say to a man who declares his love so fervently and yet, has promised he does not wish to marry.

“You do not have to say anything, I just wish to explain myself. I feel… I am certain that I shall not outlive my father.” He confessed, all of his defenses down. “He was the greatest man I know while I am nothing but a shadow. There would be no justice in this world if I were to outlive him. I simply must die at the same age he did.” He told her, making her frown.

“Anthony, you are a fool if you do not see yourself as a great man. You are.” She insisted when he started shaking his head. “Do you think me clever?” she asked, surprising him.

“Yes, of course. The cleverest person I have made an acquaintance with.”

“Then how could I, the cleverest person you know, love you so deeply if you were not a great man?” she asked him. He opened his mouth, surprised and repeated some of her words to himself, as if to memorize them. “I love you, Anthony Bridgerton.” She insisted and his face exploded with emotion, his dimples in full force.

“I wish to marry you, nobody else. There has been nobody else in my mind for so long now it feels as if it has been forever.” He told her, moving closer to her, so close she could feel his breathing in her cheeks. “But I have been trying to deny it because I thought I could not ask you to endure any more grief in your lifetime. You deserve so much more than I can give you.” He told her, his hand moved to cup her cheek and she felt her heart beating loudly and squeezing with sadness at his confession. “Only, I cannot stay away from you.”

“I do not wish for you to.” She said, bumping her nose to his, “whatever time you have left on this earth, I wish to be there with you, by your side.” She told him and she could tell how her words impacted him, how his bones felt the relief and how his chest filled with air. “I wish for it to be known that I think we will live a long and happy life together, but I will be content with how many years we have. More than content, really. So happy.” She finished, before he sighed and put his lips on hers.

This kiss was different from the one before, it was filled with promises, and love and tenderness. Everything she had ever wanted in one kiss. Everything she had ever wanted from him.

“I love you,” he whispered against her lips and she kissed him again, but it was hard to do when he could not stop smiling. “Do not be impatient now, let me ask you something.” He said pulling back and one of his hands went into his pocket. “I know I am imperfect, but I will humble myself for you because I cannot imagine my life without you. Will you marry me?” he asked opening the box with the ring that she had once tried on.

“You know there will not be a day when you do not vex me.” She told him with a watery laugh as she moved her hand so he could put the ring on her finger.

“Is that a promise, Kathani Sharma?” he asked with a twinkling eye and the most pleasing smile she had ever seen sport in his face.

“Yes. Yes, it is.” She promised as he slid the ring on her hand and then her hand flew to his neck and she pushed him onto her so she could kiss him once more.

“That is quite enough, save some for after the wedding.” Shouted someone from inside the house, they broke apart to look for the voice and Lady Danbury was smiling at the door, looking at them with Lady Bridgerton and her mama. They were all weepy and smiley, making Kate laugh as she dried her own tears.

“What is it?” asked Eloise from behind them, “what wedding?” she continued asking as she tried to look at them. The matriarchs started making their way to them, so Kate and Anthony stood up to receive them.

“It seems you were wrong sister, a woman of such wit does want to marry me, after all.” Said Anthony while putting his arm around her waist, making Kate frown at the words but smile at the easy gesture.

“Oh. I thought better of you, Kate.” She told her while walking towards them as well. “But I am glad you will be part of this otherwise dull and brute family.”

“Oh, I think we can call your brood a number of things, but dull? Never.” She replied before hugging her mama and more and more Bridgertons kept coming out of the house, with different words for them, but all of them were variations of the same word: Finally.

She could not agree more. Finally.

-

Anthony’s POV

He could not stop fidgeting on the carriage, he did not want to make anyone more nervous than they were, so he tried to hide his emotions, but ever since he let himself go and show what he felt towards Kate, it was as if he had no control over them. Of course, after a few minutes in silence, Kate took his hand in hers.

“I would advise you against any display of affection in front of her.” Said Lady Danbury in front of him, he looked at her and her mother by her side who was nodding.

“That is nonsensical, we are engaged to be married.” He argued and Kate nodded by his side.

“We do not know why she is calling upon you two, I am also of the opinion that the best course of action is demureness.” Said his mother, making him purse his lips and roll his eyes.

“The Queen is not as unfeeling and dictatorial as everyone makes her out to be.” Argued Kate and this time, Lady Danbury shook her head.

“Child you have talked to her Majesty once.” She said as if she was truly speaking to children and not adults. “She can be quite persuasive and her opinion is the most important one in all of England. We need to be sure why she has decided she wanted to see you the moment your engagement was announced.”

Anthony felt Kate’s hand squeeze his. He looked at her and she was giving him an encouraging smile, he nodded to her and then tried to relax. They knew why she was calling upon them, the Queen might have let them go the day they traveled back in time but they knew nothing about what the stone’s journey required. She may want to tell them about consequences or penalties.

Whatever it was, Kate was sure it was not going to be bad, otherwise the Queen would have told them something that very first night, she reasoned. Anthony was not quite so sure. He had worked very hard to be in the position he was in now: in love, getting married in a month’s time and with the support of their entire families. He did not want to go back to their other reality.

He could not allow it.

As those dark thoughts clouded his mind, the chatter started again in the carriage. Directions were being said by both Lady Danbury and his mother, but he was not hearing them. He was nodding and repeating words, but all his brain could focus on was breathing in and out and holding on Kate’s hand for dear life.

The walk towards the Queen was a foggy one. Anthony could feel the memories of the last time he was there in his bones. He could remember the fast fashion in which he walked, as he was late to talk about his betrothal to Miss Edwina. He remembered how he did not want to be there. He remembered how much he had to fight himself not to stare at Kate.

He did not want to live like that ever again.

“There you are!” said the Queen with a smile on her face, making him frown. She was not with her many ladies in waiting as she usually would be, she was sitting on a setee, only with one of her lackies behind her and two guards on each side of the doors.

“Your majesty! It is a pleasure to be invited to the palace once more.” Said Lady Danbury as they all bowed and curtsied for the Queen.  

“Oh, Lady Danbury, there is no need to oversell it. You are my most invited guest.” She told her as they all found their seats. “Lady Bridgerton, have you ever been to my orangery?” she asked looking at his mother.

“No, your Majesty, I have not been so lucky.”

“Well, you are today. Brimsley,” she called, “would you please escort Lady Danbury and Lady Bridgerton to the orangery. We will be there in a second, I just wanted to congratulate the happy couple.” She told him and the man nodded and then gestured towards the door, where both dowagers walked to with uneasy expressions on their faces.

Anthony was only relieved he would not have to live through the anticipation and suspense any longer, he was ready to listen to whatever the Queen wanted to tell them.

“I trust you will follow us shortly, your Majesty?” asked Lady Danbury before crossing the door.

“We will as soon as I wish to do so, Lady Danbury.” Said the Queen with a less than gleeful countenance for the very first time since they arrived to the palace. The dowager nodded and then walked away and the Queen motioned for a guard to close the door. “She is quite the gossip, is she not?” she asked conspiratorially, making Kate smile.

“She can be, however I noticed everyone in London loves to partake in gossip.” Replied his fiancée with small smile.

“It is rather a national sport, I am afraid.” Told them the Queen and then she looked at them big a big smile, “I am a champion at it, no doubt. Which is why I let you both go when I first discovered you.”

“Forgive me, your Majesty, what does that have to do with gossip?” asked Anthony not following where this was going.

“I could see it in both your faces that you loved each other. What a messy situation you escaped with the help of my stone.” She jested with a little chuckle at the end, “I knew you could only end up marrying each other, it was rather obvious, so I relished in knowing something before Lady Whistledown did.” She said with a satisfied smile, “and I might have told a few people to test their loyalty as well.” She finished with a slightly sourer expression.

“Did it not work?” asked Kate, interested in whatever the Queen was talking about, while all he could think about was if they could stay in this reality forever.

“No. Lady Whistledown has reported it as if everyone could see it coming, with the Viscount dancing with only you, Miss Sharma, and because you were seen promenading together, as well as your family being invited to Aubrey Hall. She said it was all rather obvious, even when you were both denying the connection.”

“I read that. I thought it most skillful from Lady Danbury and Lady Bridgerton,” told her Kate and the Queen frowned. “We were not courting, but they made it seem like we were.” She explained and then she nodded.

“Quite skillful indeed. So tell me, children, when did you decide to stop wasting time and using this opportunity for your advantage?” She asked and Anthony sighed.

“After Kate’s accident I could no longer deny my feelings. I was too overcome with relief and I… I proposed.” He explained, not wanting to get into too much detail with the Queen.

“So much for love not having a place in your marriage, Viscount Bridgerton,” she teased, making Kate smile.

“He knows he was foolish.” She said, making the Queen giggle.

“This is the woman who owns your heart, Lord Bridgerton? Someone who calls you foolish and laughs at your shortcomings?” she asked gleeful and Anthony smiled while looking at the love of his life, chin proud and eyes dancing with mirth.

“Yes. There is no one like her.” He said with reverence he saw her cheeks turn a shade darker.

“That look is what I saw that day. That is how I knew how this would all end.” Said the Queen making him sober up.

“End? Are there any consequences to using the stone? Do we have to go back?” he asked, desperate to his own ears. Kate took his hand in hers again and soothed his nerves running her thumb down his knuckles as he finished his questions.

“No, my dear. You do not have to go back.” She replied with a softness to her gaze he had never seen before, her eyes on their linked hands, “whatever you have decided to do in this new reality is what you will live through for the rest of your lives. However, even if for some reason, you did have to go back, I would not worry.”

“Whyever not?” asked Kate, while Anthony’s mouth was too dry to ask any question.

“I told you, Miss Sharma, we all have free will, but our fates are already written. We can change certain things, we can move around what we did not enjoy and we might be successful in some of those endeavors, however, anything that has to happen will happen. There are moments that are part of our destiny, moments we might deem insignificant, like conversations or passing comments, and moments we might feel life-changing, like weddings and deaths; those are all part of the tapestry of our fate. We cannot change those.”

There was a silence in the room at the Queen’s words. Anthony felt something in his stomach loosen at the admission, he had thought about that for a while now. He had been feeling selfish, because the chance that he had to take a regret back he used for his own life, instead of finding a path to save his father’s life. To save Kate’s father’s life. But now he knew it was not something he could do.

He also felt certain that it was true. That no matter how much he fought it in his other life, how much he tried to run away from her and his feelings, he knew they would end up in the same place he was in right now. He would always find his way to her.

“May I ask you something, your Majesty?” asked Kate, to which the Queen nodded, “How did you find that out?”

“I used the stone enough times that I do not remember what things happened in this lifetime and which ones happened in others.” She said simply, surprising him with her nonchalant approach at sharing that. “However, some things remain the same in every single one of my attempts to change fate.”

“Thank you, your Majesty, for entrusting us with that knowledge.”

“There is no need to thank me, Miss Sharma. I assure you I am being quite selfish. Part of the consequences of tying the stone to me is that I cannot tell anyone about its existence, the fact that you found it and used it is a nice little loophole that serves me right. It is good to share these thoughts with someone.”

“That must have been lonely.” Commented Kate.

“It was once upon a time, when I thought I could change things. I have not used it in more than a decade, I know better now.” She told them and they nodded. Soon enough, they were instructed to walk towards the orangery as well and the Queen walked with them, asking them for more details of the engagement and their misadventures with the second chance.

Kate was enthusiastic when sharing everything, while he was more reserved, wanting to keep some of it for himself. He enjoyed the way the Queen’s eyes shone with excitement at the most romantic or embarrassing things. He saw her as human for the first time in his life.

He understood why she used the stone, though. A Queen who married for love and then lost said love to his own demented mind must be a Queen with a few regrets. She might even have tried to use it to prevent his madness, only to realize it was part of the King’s fate. He understood her better now, too. All those balls, her disdain for some people, her need to be in charge and be the center of it all, it was all her way of coping with her own fate.

As Anthony walked through the orangery with Kate in his arm and listening to the voice of his mother and Lady Danbury’s laugh around him, he thanked God he went back in time. He even thought about thanking his father, maybe he was the one responsible for putting that purple stone in his way. Maybe it was Kate’s father or her mother, they both had people looking out for them. He thanked them all.

He kissed Kate’s hand while hiding behind a particularly big orange tree, which earned him a furtive smile, so he kissed her hand again, he couldn’t help himself. She was his fate. And he was hers. There was not much he was sure of, but that he knew with unyielding certainty.

And he was happy, he was marrying the love of his life, his family had his back and loved Kate just as much as they loved him. He was not so sure he would die young anymore and he was not afraid about the future, he was quite excited for what came next indeed. For the first time in years all he felt underneath his skin was glowing, unrestricted happiness.

The end.

Chapter Text

Epilogue

And I want you right here

-

Kate’s POV

-
She didn’t know what she imagined marrying Anthony Bridgerton was, but the reality was a lot better. Since this time around, they had spent so much more time with the Bridgertons they all wanted to participate in the Haldi ceremony, including the little ones, who Kate enjoyed teaching all the things that had to do with her culture.

Anthony could not stop staring at her, with those soft, adoring eyes and sometimes she had to pinch herself to make sure she was not dreaming, but then she knew that if she was this would all have happened sooner. The Queen had asked them if they wanted an especial license, seeing as they had lived through the same couple of months twice and had been in love pretty much the entire time, but Anthony had declined. Kate deserved a proper courtship he had said.

And even though she had swooned in the moment and fell in love just a little bit more, she found herself regretting his decision on the daily. Every time they had to be chaperoned to have a regular conversation, every time they were bickering and all she wanted was to jump on top of him and kiss him senseless, every time she could tell he was imagining her naked over the dinning table. Every night, when she remembered what his kiss and his hands had felt like that night at his study.

However, it was not like they hadn’t found a way to sneak around and kiss again, they had found moments to steal kisses and looks and touching each other in a manner most inappropriate, and those were her favorite moments on their whole courtship.

She was giddy now, waiting for her moment to walk towards him, down the aisle with Mary by her side. She knew Anthony would be surprised by the red tones in her dress, she knew it wasn’t fashionable in this side of the Earth to marry with red hues, but she was not from this side of the Earth. And he seemed to like her just fine.

Suddenly, it was her queue to start walking and she and her mama shared a big, blurry smile and then walked out the glass doors at Aubrey Hall, towards the gathering of people just a bit outside the house, towards him. Anthony looked rather dashing with his dark clothes, but he had a flower necklace, made with white roses and red lilies which made her tear up.

“I did not know he would have a varamala,” she said choking back tears.

“Edwina told Colin about the ceremony, and the Bridgertons decided they wanted to do it. Even though the priest is not happy about it and we will not be having a full-on varamala ceremony, he has agreed to let you exchange them before he performs his ceremony.” She told her squeezing her arm, and Kate looked at her sister, by Anthony’s side, holding her very own necklace with red roses and white lilies.

She had to take a deep breath before she started crying and then, she let herself look at the people in attendance, everyone had big smiles on their faces and on their hands, either a rose or a lily. She could not stop the tears falling down her cheeks then, it was all so beautiful and meaningful, as if everyone wanted to participate in it even though they had no idea how.

“This is perfect,” she said in a whisper and her mama laughed at her side.

“Just as it should be. A perfect wedding for a perfect bride.” She told her and Kate shook her head, trying to make the tears leave her face. Once she reached the end of the aisle, Anthony seemed nervous, but she smiled brightly at him and that seemed to help him.

“You look absolutely breath-taking,” he told her once they were close enough to hear each other and she giggled, she was so happy, “I did not know if you would like this, but I had a feeling you would.” He told her, gesturing to his varamala and then quickly wiping her tears.

“I love it.” She told him letting her mama’s hand go and then standing by his side. Edwina gave her sister her varamala and then, Kate looked into Anthony’s eyes and vowed, “I promise to love you, cherish you and understand you for the rest of my life. I commit myself to you.” She finished taking her garland off and putting in on Anthony’s body and he nodded, with clear emotion in his eyes.

“I promise to love you forever, Kathani, to cherish you and understand you for the rest of my days on this Earth.” He promised her and then put his garland on her, making her sniff again at the emotion of the moment.

After a beat of only looking into each other’s eyes, the priest cleared his throat and then started his own ceremony, but it didn’t matter to her. She was already married, she had already committed her life to Anthony Bridgerton and she didn’t care what happened next.

However, she did follow the ceremony, she repeated the words the priest asked her to repeat and let herself feel the happiness and love she had bubbling out of her at the moment, she could not stop smiling and giggling, just like Anthony couldn’t, he kept looking at her with a dumbstruck expression and she wished she could stop time and live in this moment forever.

Once the ceremony finished and they could go inside for the wedding breakfast, Anthony led her to his study and as soon as he closed the door, his lips were on hers. His hands were on her hips and she could once again feel his body everywhere, she let herself be surrounded by him and the door behind her and she kissed him until she could not take it anymore. Gods, she loved his kisses.

“Anthony, someone might come.” She said breaking away from the kiss, which only prompted him to kiss her again and she moaned when his tongue found hers. What an exquisite sensation it was.

“I have been dreaming of this for weeks now,” he told her against her lips once they were breathless and needed to part for air.

“As have I,” she confessed, making him groan and kiss her again, his hands moving from her waist to her hips and then to her buttocks, making her dizzy with need. “Anthony, we must stop,” she said without moving a muscle, kissing him further even, mussing his hair and nipping and biting his lips.

“We do not have to, Viscountess, we are married.” He whispered with a raspy voice against her neck, making her squirm. “You are mine now, to do as I please.” He told her nipping at her neck.

“And I, you.” She said, dragging his lips to hers once more, loving the enthusiasm in his kiss. His hands started bunching up her skirt once more, and her breathing started coming more raggedy, his fingers found her center and she moaned against his lips.

“Yes, I am yours.” He promised before kissing her again, his fingers working magic on her center, making her feel more pleasure than ever before in her lifetime.

Before she could continue living in this heaven that was Anthony Bridgerton’s hands and mouth on her, they could hear some voices and steps coming towards the study. They broke apart and he helped her right her clothes as the people seemed to be closer and closer.

They helped each other look more presentable and then he gave her his arm with a smirk on his face, so they could walk outside and deal with the intruders, which were, of course, his siblings.

“I thought we might find you here, brother.” Said Benedict with a cheeky smile.

“I was showing Kate something,” he said, grumpy and his brothers laughed.

“Sure, something,” repeated Colin with mirth, making Kate blush. “Let us go to your wedding breakfast, brother, before mother comes to find you both herself.”

“We were on our way,” he protested, making them start walking and all Kate could do was laugh.

Later on, they ate, conversed with their families and had a wonderful time, but soon enough, Anthony started getting snappy. He said in no uncertain terms that he was a newlywed and that he wanted to start enjoying it as soon as possible. His family tormented him relentlessly for it, but he did not stop.

Soon enough, the carriages were ready and everyone started walking outside. Both Anthony and Kate had to say goodbye to every single guest outside the door and once they were all gone, Anthony turned to her with a wolfish grin and swept her off her feet, making her laugh.

“Anthony!” she yelled as he walked them up the stairs of Aubrey Hall, into the house.

“Everyone has the evening off.” He announced to the help and then continued walking inside, she hid her face in his shoulder because she did not want to see their expressions.

“You could have waited at the least a few minutes, Anthony.” She told him when he was carrying her up the stairs.

“I have been patiently waiting months for this, Kathani Bridgerton.” He said with a proud smile, making her laugh. She knew she was looking up at him with adoration in her eyes but she could not help herself. She loved him. And he was her husband.

“The wait has all been your doing,” she told him as he opened the door to his bedchamber.

“And I plan on making it up to you extensively.” He said kissing her, he was breathing heavily, and so was she. She could let herself enjoy his mouth in the way she had always wanted now that they were alone and married.

“And how would that be?” she asked as he put her down.

“By kissing you,” he said against her neck, before letting his lips travel through her sensitive skin. “By being the one to look upon your naked figure.” He continued turning her around and continuing kissing her as he started undoing her wedding dress.

“Anthony,” she moaned when he found a particularly sensitive patch of skin.

“By showing you all the ways a lady can be seduced.” He continued, his hands roaming through her body, first on her waist and then moving up to cup her breasts. “You are so perfect, Kathani,” he mumbled against her shoulder and she felt heat all over her body.

“Anthony, I need more.” She said, because all of her skin felt on fire and his kisses were only doing more to heat her up and drive her insane. She needed everything he could give her.

“I will give you everything, my love.” He promised turning her around so he could kiss her mouth again, and she started taking his clothes off, she needed to feel his skin against hers.

She wasn’t sure how or when, but after more kissing and moans and desperate hands tugging at clothes, they were both finally free of clothing and he walked them until her legs were touching the bed. She stopped kissing him so she could lie down and loved the way his eyes roamed through her body, heating it up.

“Anthony, come to me.” She called when he did not move.

“I want to memorize you.” He confessed before climbing on top of her again.

“We will have our whole lives for that, my love. I need you now.” She whined before wrapping her arms around him and kissing him with force, she needed him like she had never needed anything in her whole life, she wasn’t sure how she could have lived this long without the feeling of his naked body on top of hers.

“I have wanted this from the moment we first met.” He said kissing down her neck again and then he put his mouth on her breast and she gasped at the sensation, “I have been fantasizing of this since you called my smile pleasing.” He confessed against her wet flesh and then he started sucking at her nipple, making her moan.

“Oh, me too. Anthony!” she moaned, feeling herself lose her restraint with every pass of his dexterous tongue on her nipple. “I have been fantasizing about this for months.” She told him with a whiny voice and he groaned against her skin.

“You are as perfect as I imagined,” he said while kissing down her stomach and before she could say anything, his mouth was on her most private part and the sound that left her throat at his expert lips on her was something she had never heard herself.

“Oh!” she heard herself curse in her mother tongue as he continued and her whole body felt as if made of lava. And it had a life of its own, her legs moved around him, wanting to trap him and her chest would move up, arching itself away from the mattress.

“You taste incredible, Kathani.” He said nosing her bud of nerves and then he entered her with his tongue and she yelled in pleasure. “Oh, fuck, you sound so good.” He told her, making her feel bolder. He continued sucking and licking and entering and she continued moaning and yelling until she felt like her body was pulled taut and her face scrunched up in pleasure.

“Anthony!” she yelled as she felt herself lose control, as she reached a peak of pleasure like nothing she had ever experienced before. Smaller waves of pleasure washed over her as he continued licking her, now further away from before and she opened her eyes to look at him and, of course, he was smiling at her from between her thighs.

“Dorset could not have made you come like that.” He said smugly and she could only laugh as she tried to breathe normally.

“I never wanted him to.” She told him smiling herself.

“But you thought about marrying him.” He said, gripping her legs as if someone would yank her away from him, but there was no chance of that happening, she would never allow it. She belonged here, with him.

“I merely said those words so you would stop denying your feelings. I wanted us to have this.” She told him, he looked up at her with so much love that she felt like she could explode.

“I am glad you did.” He told her before starting kissing her thighs, and then her hipbone, making her squirm, “I do not think I would be able to live a happy life without you in it.” He said against her stomach and desire blended with love so she yanked him up to share another kiss.

“I love you,” she told him against his lips and he kissed her firmly, as if he was also trying to memorize this moment.

His lips tasted different than before and she felt herself flush at realizing that it was her own bodily fluids that she was tasting, but she did not mind. She let her hands move and touch the span of his back as they continued kissing and he moved so a part of him would touch her center, giving her pleasure again, building her up again.

“Kathani,” he moaned against her lips as he moved and she realized that he was feeling just as amazing as she was and she let her hands roam his chest and shoulders and he groaned again. “You drive me insane.” He told her before kissing her again, then he started kissing and sucking at her nipple again, making her moan more and louder, her fingers in his hair and her body arching up against his on its own accord.

“Anthony.” She moaned when she started feeling impatient again, “Please.” She asked, not knowing really what she was begging for, but knowing she needed it desperately.

“Do you want to feel me inside you, love?” he asked and she nodded, yes, that was what she wanted. “I am dying to be inside of you.” He confessed raggedly, and then he moved again so they were face to face and slowly, his manhood started entering her center slowly. She felt a bit uncomfortable, because it was her very first time doing this.

She was no saint, as she had kissed boys and men before, and maybe done just a bit more than that, but she had never done this specifically. She was around animals enough that she knew this is how females got pregnant in the animal world, so she knew this was how a woman came to be with child, but she never knew it would be this pleasurable.

“This is…” she started, but she could not continue.

“Does it hurt?” he asked, his adorable frown on his face.

“No. It is quite strange, but it feels fantastic.” She told him, out of breath, but nothing could prepare her for how good it felt when he started rocking back and forth. “Oh, Gods.” She moaned and he smirked.

“We fit perfectly. You were made for me, Kathani.” He told her before starting to kiss her again and somehow her pleasure doubled, she tried to keep her moans at bay but it felt impossible.

“Anthony!” she moaned against his lips when it all starting to feel like too much and not enough at the same time.

“Let yourself go, darling. Let me feel you come.” He told her with another kiss, and then his fingers found the place that pleasured her the most and she yelled at him touching her there as he continued rocking in and out of her and before she could think about it, she reached her peak once more.

Soon after she did, Anthony started moving more erratically and her name left his lips much as if it were a prayer. Kathani, Kathani, Kathani.

He collapsed on top of her and she felt whole for the first time in her life. She knew his seed was inside of her and the entirety of her body was covered by his. Bliss.

“I have never felt anything quite like that.” She told him, once she felt like she could breathe normally.

“I apologize for smothering you.” He told her moving so he could be by her side instead of on top.

“I quite enjoyed that, as well.” She confessed with a smile.

“You are truly perfect, Kathani Bridgerton.” He said with a lovestruck grin and devoted eyes as he gathered her in his arms.

“We are perfect together, Anthony Bridgerton.” She said before kissing him once.

She felt his smile against her lips and smiled as well, he had a habit of that, smiling into their kisses. And it was her favorite habit of his. Yes, she loved how important his family was for him, she loved how hardworking he was and also the lengths he went into when it came to family, but there was nothing better than feeling his smile against her lips.

His smile that he so rarely gave to anyone before they finally got engaged, his smile that she found pleasing since the moment they met racing at the park, his smile that was real now and not something he faked to placate people around him.

He was happy and so was she and, in this moment, she was sure the Queen was right. In every universe, in every version of their life, she would be his and he would be hers. She would always be his Viscountess and he would always be her husband. There was no way around it, nothing they could do to avoid it. The moment they met, they burrowed under each other’s skin, where they belonged.

And they shall stay there until the day they stopped walking this earth. But that wouldn’t be in a long time, she was sure of it.