Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Nothing had changed. It never did.

My high school bedroom was exactly the same way I left it after graduation. Besides replacing the crib with a bed and adding a desk, Charlie never changed this room and neither did I. The walls were the same light blue they’d always been and the lace curtains were still yellowed with age. It should’ve provided me with comfort or, at least, nostalgia, but it was hard to feel much of anything these days.

Returning to Forks after two years away seemed foolish or ill-conceived, but I felt inexplicably drawn to it. I knew I would make my way back, in fact, I never wanted to leave in the first place. It was Charlie’s decision to send me away.

“It’s for your own good, Bella. This moping it’s…you’re just lifeless here. Some sunshine would do you wonders,” his words replayed in my head.

I wished the Florida sunshine had fixed me, but it didn’t. I sit here, two years later, twenty years old, with the same hole in my chest. I sit here, on the same bed he once held me in, an incomplete shell. That thought used to sting, but over the years the hurt had numbed me. The only real pain, or relief for that matter, that I feel comes from a blade. It is fleeting and it is horrific. 

I wished I didn’t do it. It would hurt Charlie and Renée if they knew, which is why I would never tell a soul. I put them both through hell my senior year of high school and I could not do that to them again, especially Charlie. They believed that I was healed. That I moved on. That I was happy. I will not let them think otherwise.

In the few weeks I’d been back, Charlie and I had already fallen into a routine. He was still the chief of police and the Newtons hired me back at their store. We both headed to work early in the morning but I got home first and cooked dinner. We ate. We watched something on the TV. We went to bed. He slept soundly and I slept like the dead. 

I refused to let my nightmares disturb him. Honestly, I didn’t want them to disturb me either. Melatonin had done the trick for a bit, but I’ve had to move onto something stronger. The great part about being an adult is that my prescriptions were between me and the random doctor I went to in Jacksonville. He didn’t have glowing reviews, but he was liberal with his signature.

I reached into the bottom drawer of my nightstand and pulled out the orange pill bottle. I shook it and it sounded half empty. I had it filled right before moving back, but it looked like I’d need to get more soon. I popped the pill in my mouth, chugged some water, and waited for my zombie-like sleep to come.

It was cold, dark, and wet outside. The rain pounded my windshield as I drove to work, but I couldn’t complain when I knew Forks was where I was meant to be. 

While I was living in Florida, Charlie took excellent care of my truck and I’m grateful for that. This truck is the last thing I had to show for my “lifelong” friendship with Jacob. Another sore spot.

By the time I arrived at Newton's Olympic Outfitters, the rain was coming down harder. I ran as fast as I could without slipping or twisting my ankle to the back door of the store, but I fumbled with the keys and got soaked anyway. My luck was amazing. I’d have to drink a warm tea today for sure. 

We didn’t open until eight a.m. but I liked to come in an hour or two early to get the paperwork done. Mrs. Newton asked me to take on a few more responsibilities as a full time employee and I happily obliged. I might as well put my accounting degree to work as I went over payroll, expenses, profit ledgers, and whatever else she needed done. The numbers distracted me and gave me something to focus on, but it wasn’t enough work to fill up all of my time. Let’s just say the store had never been cleaner.

Working as a full time employee at a sporting goods store would have made my younger self laugh. I had known nothing of the outdoors. I always thought I would study literature to become an English teacher. Like most things in my life, that did not go to plan.

Since being left in the woods more than two years ago, and then, promptly iced out by the only person I could call a friend months later… I lost the enjoyment of reading. I couldn’t bring myself to read if my life depended on it. Music was gone to me as well.

Nevertheless, I knew throwing myself into college would play a huge role in convincing Charlie I’d rejoined the living. As an adult, I technically didn’t need anyone’s permission to live in Forks, but why cause him more distress? Moving back and not living with Charlie would have been a betrayal.

At the start of our senior year, I applied to the University of North Florida, just to appease Edward. The thought of his name used to make the hole in my chest ache. Now, I felt nothing, yet, I still habitually wrapped my arms around myself. I took in my surroundings. I was still sitting in the back office of the store. The cinderblock walls were as dull and as beige as they had always been. 

I applied to satisfy his need for me to live a human life, even though I believed it to be a waste of time. I didn’t want to be human. Next to him, I was completely inadequate. I thought becoming a vampire would even us out slightly, but before I got the chance he learned what I already knew… that I was trivial, useless, frivolous. Worthless.

“I don’t want you Bella,” the words echoed in my mind.

“You’re not good for me.”  

I knew that then and I knew that now. I was never good enough.

Although, I supposed it did work out. I was able to live with Renée and Phil in Jacksonville and commute to campus. In order to graduate as fast as possible, I applied all of my AP credits which knocked out most of the gen ed requirements, I took extra classes each semester, and I never took a summer off. Choosing accounting allowed for me to throw myself into numbers. It helped distract me, but it wasn’t near enough to close the wound or make me whole.

I knew Renée’s word carried weight with Charlie and the sooner she thought I was better, the sooner I would get to come back. Lying had not been my forte, but living there turned me into a world class actress. Renée was usually very perceptive in a childlike manner, yet, it was easy to pretend that I was happy. Always a smile on my face. Maybe she believed me so readily because that was better than the alternative; accepting that the old me was gone. It was harder to pretend when they traveled and I was left alone...Phil’s baseball league required them to be away often.

All this masquerading had left me in a dazed state, but it was why I was still here. I could never do…that…to them. The thought of one of them walking in and seeing me dead by my own hand was something I wouldn’t allow.

I no longer knew what the sun felt like kissing my skin even on the sunniest of days, and as selfish as I was, I just couldn’t do that to my parents.

Above the desk, near the ceiling, sat a small rectangular window. The morning dawn shone through. That was my queue to get to the front of the store and start opening up. Typically, I opened alone and was later joined by Mr. or Mrs. Newton, but it was the slow season and the weather was atrocious. I bet I wouldn’t have help until after the high school day ended and Savannah came in.

Savannah was great to work with. She never pried. 

She recently celebrated her eighteenth birthday. The leftover cupcakes were in the fridge in the office. She was in her senior year at Forks High School and didn't come in until the late afternoon. She often seemed to be in her own world, far away from here. Maybe that was why she never bombarded me with questions or weird looks?

I knew she knew my history, not only because Forks is a small town, but because she was Mike’s little sister and he definitely talked about it. I was unsure why Mike had never included her in any of our group’s hangouts, but I found her company tolerable.

There were little to no customers today. To pass the time, I paced the aisles while counting to one thousand over and over again. Anything was better than the empty nothingness of my mind. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven…the bell connected to the front entrance chimed. 

An older couple walked in decked out in hiking gear. I welcomed them and asked if they needed anything but it seemed they just wanted to browse. 

It was easy to overhear their conversation.

“I heard they found the torn up body of one of those missing campers down in Bogachiel State Park,” the man said.

The woman let out a heavy sigh, “Only one?”

“Yeah, the park rangers only found one and they’re saying it looks like a bear attack,” he replied.

“Maybe we should grab some bear spray just to be safe?”

When they finished shopping and brought their items up to the check out counter, the bear spray was the first thing I rang up.

The kitchen was hot and smelled like bacon grease. Baked potatoes were on the menu for dinner tonight and Charlie loved his with crispy bacon. I did not mind cooking. It reminded me of the time before. Growing up with Renée I did all of the cooking because she would forget (or it was inedible) and it reminded me of when I moved to Forks for the first time. Before everything went to hell.

After dinner and TV with Charlie, I would need to spend the rest of the night scrubbing the kitchen from top to bottom. It wasn’t even dirty, but keeping busy was good for me.

I heard Charlie pull up and park his cruiser. He entered the house and I plastered on a smile, “Hey, Dad!”

“Hi, sweetie,” he gruffed out while shrugging off his work boots.

He must have had a long day, especially if what the older couple at work said was true. 

I finished cooking dinner while he showered and then we both settled in at the table. I wasn’t hungry, but I didn’t want to raise any of his alarms. I could tell he was still a little bit concerned about me. I knew he felt as though he failed me before, but really it had nothing to do with him. 

“How was work today?” I asked.

He looked at me with exhausted eyes, “It was busy. A body was found near Bogachiel. It seems as though we might have a bear problem.”

I nodded and ate more potato.

“There are some people still missing, but we weren’t able to find anything significant.”

We ate more and didn’t talk. Charlie and I have never felt the need for chatter. That made it easier to be around him. But, I had a sudden impulse.

“I was thinking of going out on a trail tomorrow.” He looked apprehensive, so I hurried on, “It’s a trail I’ve been on before. It’s west of here, towards La Push. Nowhere near Bogachiel.”

“You want to go hiking?” He was skeptical.

I nodded enthusiastically, “I want to try new things. Get out of my comfort zone.”

He grabbed his plate and headed towards the sink, “That area should be fine. I don’t see a bear traveling that far, but Bella, please be safe. Take my bear spray from the closet and make sure you wear your good boots.” He shook his head, “I’m working late so make sure to call when you get home or I’ll assume you slipped somewhere and got lost.”

I made a show of playfully rolling my eyes, “Of course!”

I didn't know why learning there was a dangerous bear in the forest made me want to go on a hike nor what that said about me.

Chapter Text

A thermos full of hot coffee sat on the kitchen counter. Charlie must have left it for me and looking out of the window above the sink, it was clear why. Today was going to be a cold one and the sky was already a dreary gray. Maybe this was a sign? Maybe I shouldn’t go? But, one quick look around the already spotless kitchen knowing the rest of the house was just as clean meant I had to get out or I’d waste away staring at the wall. 

I grabbed the thermos and headed out. My truck, loud as always, roared to life and I sat back sipping the coffee while it warmed up. 

Tuesdays were the worst day of the week. The Newtons required me to take at least one day off. Since Tuesdays were the slowest, I picked them, but I wanted to work. Time off meant nothing to do which meant I had to sit in the nothingness that was me. 

I offered to come in on a volunteer basis, but Mrs. Newton refused me. She said that I already did more than they could ever ask of an employee. She also felt that I did too much for the amount they were able to pay me. I knew I could make more working in a bigger town or city, but it was never about that for me. It was about Forks being my home.

I knew where I was headed today… the meadow. I didn’t know the exact location, but I knew where to start. After driving off the highway, I reached the end of the pavement, shifted my truck into park, and jumped out into the crisp cool air. It wasn’t raining today, luckily. Finishing the last sip of my coffee, I tossed the thermos back into my truck, threw on my backpack over my thick jacket, and started towards the woods.

The trees were so tall it felt as if they could reach the heavens themselves. They were simply magnificent. The dark green all around me was welcoming, but I couldn’t concentrate on that. I had to watch my feet or else I would break an ankle or my face. 

This wasn’t the first time I had tried to come back. Once, I was going to go with Jacob, but he had gotten sick. Except, he didn’t actually have mono like I thought. He ditched me to join up with Sam Uley, whom he had despised, and Sam’s little gang. I haven’t talked to him since not for a lack of trying on my part.

I scoffed aloud at my past patheticness. I called, I texted, I emailed, I even had Charlie call Billy… total silence. I thought showing up to his house would force the conversation, but it ended with me crying and screaming at his front door.

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t before! I wish I could change how I feel! Maybe…maybe I would change. Maybe, if you gave me some time…just don’t quit on me now, Jake! I can’t take it,” my past wailing ricocheted in my mind.

I knew he had been behind the door, he just never opened it. Desperate for a reason, I thought maybe Sam had ordered Jacob to ice me out like he ordered around all his cult followers, but that wasn’t true.

Soon after I had seen Sam in town, which was odd, but I took the opportunity to talk to him. I begged him to let Jacob speak to me. Sam was frank and short in his response, “If Jacob wanted to talk to you, he would.”

Losing Jacob when I had been so close to being whole, destroyed me. The hole in my chest had expanded and became ragged all over again. It felt like being stabbed or like someone had a chipped metal spoon and was hollowing me out. My nightmares worsened and I stopped speaking. That is why Charlie sent me away to Renée.

A while into the hike and I still had no clue if I was getting any closer to the meadow or if I was going in circles. My feet were starting to ache. I found a log that wasn’t too wet or filled with moss and sat down. I didn’t know how much longer I had to go and it must’ve been past noon already. Plus, I still had the hike back. I drank some water and closed my eyes. Everything felt…bland. Typical. 

I sat for ten more minutes before shaking my head and going on. When I first moved to Forks, I hated anything cold and wet. I thought the desert landscape of Arizona was all I needed, but now I knew better. This damp green foliage was in my soul or what remained of it anyway.

Suddenly, it felt quiet. The birds were no longer chirping, the bugs were silent, and there weren’t any noises of small animals scampering. The only sounds came from my boots as I marched on. There definitely hadn’t been any sounds or signs of a bear. 

It was only a few minutes later when I saw a break in the trees. I quickened my pace and emerged, only slightly stumbling, to the clearing. I was here. 

I knew this was the same meadow Edward brought me to, but it looked so…ordinary now. The beautiful white, yellow, and violet wildflowers that once filled the round symmetrical space were nowhere to be seen. There was only tall grass that swayed in the wind. The sky was still a dull gray and without sunlight this place lost its spark. 

I stood without moving and took in what had once been the most beautiful place to me. I felt nothing. I had no substance.

When Edward left, my brain would conjure up his image and his voice. He only made his appearance when I put myself in danger, but eventually, even my own hallucinations of Edward abandoned me. I hadn’t seen or heard his counterfeit double since I left Forks after graduation. I thought with moving back my imagination might give me access again, but there hasn’t been so much as a whisper. 

I sank down to my knees and grabbed my chest. It was a reflex. I had done it a million times before and would probably do it a million times more. I had to hold myself together somehow. Part of me knew this had been a last ditch effort. Even coming to his meadow didn’t bring him back. I wish I could lash out. I wish I could scream and cry. Instead, all I felt was dazed.

I pushed up onto my feet and saw slight movement across the clearing. I squinted and from behind the trees a figure stepped out. Finally, he’s come back! 

I started towards him, then my eyes focused. It wasn’t Edward. Real or imagined. It was a person from another lifetime.

Laurent’s red eyes made contact with mine and in a blink he was directly in front of me. I stumbled backwards slightly while he looked me over. 

“Bella.”

I didn’t dare move. Last I heard he went to be with the Denali coven in Alaska. I knew they abstained from human blood, but Laurent’s crimson eyes told me everything I needed to know. He was still drinking human blood.

He looked around, “So, it is true. The Cullens have left you here, alone, unprotected.”

Again, I did not respond. I knew that this was it for me. I knew my life would end here in Edward’s meadow. I was okay with it. 

But, maybe Laurent was responsible for those missing campers? Maybe he had torn up the body that was recently found instead of a bear. I wasn’t sure. When I truly thought about it, that isn’t how I wanted Charlie to find me. If he found me.

“Yes. They have,” I responded.

Maybe if I answered all of his questions, it would be fast and clean.

The breeze sent the tall grass rippling like water. He inhaled.

“You’ve caught me at an inopportune time. Victoria will be most upset with me. I am quite thirsty, you see.”

The shock of hearing Victoria’s name must have shown on my face.

“Yes, she has been waiting for you. Changing for you. What she has planned I believe to be impossible. She intends to make you suffer, but I will do you a favor and end it now. Quickly and without pain,” He tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear.

I stepped back confused.

“James and Victoria were mates. She thought it more appropriate to kill you than Edward, a fair turnabout, mate for mate.”

How funny was that? I could have laughed out loud at his explanation. I was not Edward’s mate. He had made that clear the day he left me.

Laurent said he would kill me quickly and without pain. That is all I could hope for in this situation, at least he would spare me the fate of the camper.

“Please leave my body close to town,” my voice barely registered above a whisper, but I knew he could hear me perfectly.

He tipped his chin down in acknowledgment, grabbed my upper arms, and leaned in towards my neck. I waited for the sting of his teeth tearing into my flesh.

Instead, I felt his cold hands leave my arms. He backed away from me and then I heard it. A low rumbling increasing in volume. I whipped my head around and saw a black wolf step into the clearing. The wolf was huge, as tall as a horse, but more muscular. It let out a grisly snarl and bared its teeth in our direction. 

Laurent was probably not responsible for the torn up camper, this beast was.

Four more wolves followed behind the black one in a pyramid formation. Their growls sounded like thunder. I slammed my hands over my ears and turned back towards Laurent. He had already disappeared. The wolves began running. Their paws pounded against the ground and it felt like an earthquake.

I stood right in their path and I knew it was futile to run. I would never be faster than one of these monsters, let alone five, but the first four jumped right over me as if I was of no consequence. The last one stopped for what had to have been no more than a second. 

It was huge, the biggest of the group. It had reddish-brown colored fur and when I looked into its black-brown eyes, I felt a rush of familiarity. It stared back at me, shook, and then, immediately, turned away from me, following behind the others.

Once they were gone from the meadow, I wasted no time. I ran as fast as I could in the direction I’d come from. It appears I did have a sense of self preservation after all. 

Encountering a wild bear out of desperation? Yes, please. Being a human bloodbag for a vampire? No problem. Becoming a meal for a pack of wolves? No, thank you. 

How ridiculous I was.

I tripped over everything; rocks, roots, my own two feet. I knew my knees were scuffed and bleeding. My pants would be torn for sure. My palms were cut up as well, but worst of all were the branches whipping my face as I ran.

I kept going until I couldn’t breathe. My mind was racing. Laurent was here. Victoria was planning something horrific and impossible for me? There was a giant pack of wolves running around. Not for long I’m sure. Laurent would be finishing them off soon if he hadn’t already and then he would be coming for me next.

I started running again. My lungs were screaming in protest when I finally made it back to my truck.

I was shivering despite the scalding water running down my back. It felt like my mind was going a mile a minute, but I couldn’t catch up. Did that just happen? I wasn’t sure. 

I rubbed my eyes. It did nothing to help my vision focus. I’d already washed myself and cleaned out all of the gravel and dirt from my scraps. I had no reason to be sitting at the bottom of the shower, yet, I couldn’t bring myself to get up.

I felt muddled and knew time was passing, but I didn’t know how long I had been sitting there. Eventually, the water was ice cold and there had been a shrill ringing in my ears. I stayed where I was, but knew there was something I was forgetting… Charlie!

I forgot to call Charlie. My body ached when I jumped up. I rushed out of the restroom and ran towards the ringing. My phone showed ten missed calls. This was not good.

I dialed him back and he picked up on the first ring.
“I’m so sorry, Dad!” I blurted out before he could start.

“I’m home and safe. I’m sorry I was taking a shower and time got away from me.”

I heard him sigh and could tell he was rubbing his brow in frustration.
“Alright Bella, I’m glad you’re home. I’ll be home later than I originally thought. Do dinner without me,” he said.

“Okay,” and with that we hung up. 

I dressed in my pajamas, downed a pill, and stared at the ceiling until sleep came over me. I did not eat dinner.

It was Tuesday again and one week had passed since the meadow. I knew I had gone to work, I knew I had interacted with Charlie, I knew I was alive, but it felt like my life was happening to another person. 

I shouldn’t even be alive at all. Each day that passed was another day closer to Laurent or Victoria showing up. But, I was unbothered.

I was floating, untethered from the earth. I couldn’t touch back down. It was a ghostlike state which was somehow worse than being an empty shell. I was comfortable feeling numb, but this was something else entirely. I felt distanced from myself. I couldn’t remember a single conversation and everything was fuzzy. 

I’d only felt similarly once before… those first few months after Edward left. However, back then, waves of pain consumed me and each passing second ached like a bruise. Now, I was weightless, senseless, and time moved in a blur.

I knew what I was going to do. What I had to do to become real again.

Charlie was working late and as much as I tried to avoid this at least I did it while he wasn’t home.

I sat on the floor of my room with my back against the side of the bed. I reached into my nightstand for the black bag I kept next to my pills. It didn’t feel solid in my hands and I fumbled with the zipper. But, I eventually got it open.

The light from my bedside lamp reflected off of the clean single edged razors in the bag. I pulled out what I needed. One blade, the gauze roll, medical tape, alcohol pads, and a large bandaid. It felt like I was someone else watching myself line up the items on the floor, push up the long sleeve of my left arm, and bring the razor to my wrist.

I pushed down with one of the pointed ends of the blade and pulled it across horizontally. I inhaled sharply. It stung but also felt like warmth. I watched the blood drip down my arm. I took a few deep breaths and felt like I was returning to my body. 

I wrapped the gauze around my wrist and held it down with tape. Then, I put pressure on the wound with my right hand. Slouching down, I laid my cheek on the smooth wooden floorboards and I could actually feel them; soft and cool. I kept taking in deep breaths, slowly becoming more solid. The world and my head became clearer.

Seeing blood used to nauseate me. I would feel faint and light headed, but after doing it for so long, I welcomed the blood. I knew it was wrong. I knew it was sick. What I didn’t know was why I was compelled to do it or why it felt like a morbid rush.

This was the first time I ever cut my wrist and the first time, in general, since moving back to Forks. In Jacksonville, I did it on my upper thighs because it was too hot to constantly wear long sleeves. Here, nobody would bat an eye if I wore long sleeves year round.

I felt relief, while fleeting, it was peaceful. Surprisingly, I relaxed enough that I drifted off into sleep.

I lurched upwards, startled. My first unmedicated sleep in so long and there was something pounding downstairs. I was still on the floor. I glanced at my bedroom window. It was pitch black out now. It had to be Victoria. She’d come to avenge James.

I ran out to the top of the stairs, my heart in my throat. I didn't hear any snoring coming from Charlie's room, at least he wasn’t here. He would be safe. 

Wait. 

I stopped. 

The pounding sounded like it was coming from the front door. There would be no reason for Victoria to wait at the door.

I hesitated before walking down, but continued towards the front of the house anyway. I reached the front door and grabbed the knob with my left hand. My arm was still a bloody mess and the gauze, now dry, was the color of dark rust. I quickly yanked down my sleeve and swung open the door.

Jacob Black stood on my porch, fist raised to continue knocking. No, not knocking, pounding, on the door. He looked down at me and stepped back.

“Hi, Bells.”

At last, I felt a true, powerful, and substantial emotion; anger. I slammed the door in his face.

Chapter Text

Work provided me with no distraction. We were slow and I had completed everything I could think to do. Inventory was recorded, priced, and put out on the shelves. I dusted up and down every single aisle. The bathrooms were spotless. The back office was organized. I even swept and mopped the entire store…twice. 

I couldn’t stop thinking about last night.

How dare Jacob show up at our door, like nothing happened. As if he hadn’t cast me aside and ignored me for the last two years. As if his actions weren’t the last nail in my coffin.

I didn’t see much of him before I slammed the door in his face but he’d looked older, taller, and just bigger. We were born the same year, him in January and I in September, but I always felt older than him. Everyone assumed I was older than him. He was so carefree and playful. I was more serious and responsible, but that didn’t stop us from being close.

I grew up going to Billy’s house every summer, making mud pies with Jacob and his sisters. We’d always had fun together. But, we really became close after Edward left. Well, at least I thought we had.

I’d been drowning for so long and Jake pulled me up. Only to shove me back deeper.

I felt my anger surge. 

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven…the numbers would have to keep my mind occupied.

By the time Savannah came in, I felt itchy.

“Hey Bella, how’s it been today?”

“Very, very slow.”

She took in the state of the store and could probably smell the cleaning spray.

“I see you’ve done all the cleaning,” she smiled. “If you want to leave for the day, I can wrap up tonight.”

I did not want to go home, “No, no, no, it’s okay. I can stay until my shift is over. I don’t know if you’ve got a lot of homework, but I wouldn’t say anything if you went in the back and did it. I’ve got things up here.”

I didn’t care if she went to the back office to huff paint, but I knew she wouldn’t find any appeal in wasting time and I wanted to stay.

She looked around, apprehensive at first, then noticed there truly wasn’t anything to do.

“I do have a lot of homework… only if you are sure?”

The door chimed, signaling a customer’s arrival. I nodded, smiled, and headed to the counter.

“Welcome to New-” I stopped.

Jacob stood near the entrance.

It was easier to see him under the fluorescent lighting and without a door in the way. He had gotten taller and bigger. He was even more broad than I remembered, very strong looking. His skin was a warm russet brown and his hair was still a dark black except it was down. I’d never seen him with it in anything other than a ponytail before. His hair was thick and long, reaching midway down his back. I’d always thought it was beautiful. 

He looked older. His cheekbones and jaw were sharper. He could easily pass for twenty five. 

The deep shade of purple under his eyes made him look tired. If I were to guess, I bet he hadn’t slept well. When I met his gaze, he gave me a sheepish grin.

“Hey, Bells.”

“Don’t call me that,” I turned away from the hurt that crossed his face. “What do you want Jacob?”

“I want to talk to you.”

“It’s a little too late for that,” I spat out with more venom than I meant to.

He flinched but carried on, “I’m sorry, Bella.”

I didn’t respond and started fiddling around with the nearest end cap. It was full of protein bars and was already organized, but I needed something for my hands to do. He stepped closer to me.

“I didn’t know you were back in town.”

I said nothing.

“How’ve you been?”

What a loaded question.

“Just peachy,” I hissed.

He sighed, “Bella, look. I don’t even know where to begin…”

“How about with you deciding you didn’t want to be my friend anymore or when, instead of telling me that, you ignored me for two years,” I cut him off.

“I never wanted to stop being your friend.”

I snorted sarcastically.

“Bella, please. I can explain…I just don’t know how or, truthfully, if it’s the best decision,” he paused. “The worst part is you already know.”

I glanced up at his face. He looked physically pained.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said.

He hesitated, “Charlie mentioned you were living in Florida with your mom.”

“When did you talk to Charlie?” Was he trying to bait me into having a “normal” conversation?

“Last night, when you slammed the door on me.”

I glared at him.

“I stayed on the porch until Charlie came home.”

I didn’t know he stayed. I had rushed back upstairs to clean up myself and my supplies. I wrapped my hand around my wrist and the stinging sensation brought relief. I was still here.

Jacob took my silence as an invitation to continue on, “We talked for maybe five minutes, caught up a bit. He seemed happy to see me at first, but he made it clear he is unhappy with how I… he made sure to mention I’d done you wrong and I know I have, Bella,” he looked ashamed.

“Then, he told me to go home.”

I sent Charlie a silent thanks.

“Why were you pounding on my door anyway, Jacob?”

“Well, I knocked for a bit, but nobody answered and then I got this feel-”

I cut him off, again, I didn’t actually care to hear what he had to say, “Listen, we’re really busy here. So, if there isn’t anything I can help you with…”

He looked around the empty store, “Yeah, business is clearly booming.”

“I have a lot of inventory to sort through,” I lied.

He raised his eyebrow, “You’ve always been a terrible liar.”

If only he knew how much that had changed, “Just go Jacob.”

Savannah popped her head out of the back office, “Hey Bella, would you mind helping me price this shipment of fishing line?”

I smiled, “Yes! Be right there.” 

Jacob’s jaw clenched. He turned around and walked out the door. 

“I didn’t mean to listen in on your conversation. I had the door propped open in case we got busy,” she said.

“It’s fine. Thank you.” 

She went back inside the office and I went back to counting. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven…

I was still irritated days later, anger churning inside me.

“You spoke with Jacob?” 

Charlie lowered the fork that was midway to his mouth, “I did, yeah. He was sitting out on the porch the other night. He said you didn’t want to talk to him.”

“Yeah, I might have slammed the door in his face.”

Charlie chuckled at that, then shook his head, “Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something.” 

I leaned forward intrigued. 

“Billy called earlier today. He’s invited us to watch the game at his house next weekend.”

I sat back in my chair, “Oh.”

“I told him you might not want to come, but that I would ask.”

Great.

“No, let’s go. I know you haven’t seen Billy in forever,” he looked uncertain, “It could be fun,” I added reassuringly.

I don’t know how sitting at Billy’s, with his betrayer of a son, could make watching sports any more fun, but I knew my drama with Jacob had put a wedge in their friendship and that riddled me with guilt. 

 I didn’t feel like watching TV tonight, so after I cleaned up dinner, I told Charlie I was tired and headed to bed. I couldn’t concentrate on pretending to be happy right now. 

Laying in my room and staring at the wall was depressing. It felt cold and lifeless, but at least it was honest. I knew the only comfort I would feel is if I took out my black bag, but it had only been a few days since I last cut and the urge hadn’t fully returned yet.

I hadn’t seen Jacob since he bombarded me at work and it was probably for the best. I was fuming at his audacity, now he was using Billy to get us over there?

I hated this red hot feeling of anger, but it was a step up from being completely numb. In fact, I thought my anger was beginning to sit next to another emotion. Another emotion I wasn’t entirely glad to have back; fear.

I kept waiting for Laurent or Victoria to come for me, but there hasn’t been anything. Not even a whisper. A part of me wished they would just get it over with, but that was the selfish wretched part.

How could I wish for my family to feel my loss and what if they didn’t only target me? What if they came while I was eating dinner or watching TV with Charlie? What if it had happened when Jacob was sitting out on the porch? As mad as I was at him, I didn’t want him to die because of me. I didn’t want anyone to die because of me!

I couldn’t think of any solution that would not end with hurt. My head started spinning. This whole situation felt hopeless.

In all my sulking of late, I’d been putting off writing to Renée. I really was a terrible daughter. We used to email, but she’d recently gotten into stationery. She’d sent me what had to be a long letter based on the weight of the envelope. I got up and threw myself down into my desk chair. 

Renée had been busy. In her letter she wrote about Phil’s busy schedule, traveling with his team, taking up yoga, crystal healing, three new recipes that turned out badly, and more. At least she was happy. I wrote a response to every single thing she brought up. I told her things were going amazingly here. That I, surprisingly, was really getting good use of my degree working at the Newton’s store and that I had recently gone on a hike. 

I left out the parts about a vampire trying to kill me and the giant wolves. She didn’t need to know any of that. 

After sealing an envelope with my letter, I glanced up at the digital clock on the right hand side of my desk. It was nine o’clock, a respectable time to go to bed.

I swallowed a sleeping pill and laid down on my purple comforter. The bottle really was getting empty. I talked about how to get a refill with Dr. García before I moved back. He said he could send the prescription to any pharmacy I wanted, but Forks only had one; Mallory’s.

It was tiny and owned by Lauren’s family. She was off at college in another city, but the thought of her knowing anything about me was not pleasant. Also, her father, Dr. Mallory, while not friends with Charlie, was friendly with him. What if he told Charlie about my prescription? No, he couldn’t. That was illegal. But, it was a small town and people shared everyone’s business. I wouldn’t risk it. My happy go lucky act was precarious enough. I would have to go somewhere else. 

Port Angeles had multiple pharmacies and was only an hour away; I’d get it sent there. I could go on my day off and Charlie had been working a lot anyway. I’m sure he wouldn’t even notice I’d left.

It was decided.

Game night at Billy’s arrived faster than I wanted it to. Actually, I didn’t want it to happen at all. Why was it when I dreaded something, time seemed to speed up? Another one of life’s cruel jokes.

When my shift at Newton’s ended, I picked up a few pizzas and swung by the house to grab Charlie. I offered to drive because traveling via police cruiser drew in a lot of unnecessary attention. 

I knew the way to the Blacks’ house by heart. Driving there everyday for months made sure of that, of course, that had been before I was deemed unworthy of Jacob’s time.

Besides the loud mechanical noises my truck always made, it was silent. My dashboard still had an empty hole where the radio should be. I ripped it out years ago. I’d made my fingers bleed, but it was too painful to leave it. Thinking about the loss of not just Edward, but his whole family made me want to sink in on myself. But, I couldn’t wallow right now.

Luckily, Charlie and I were comfortable in the silence. That was something I loved and appreciated about him. 

The Blacks’ house was small and wooden with narrow windows. The dull faded red paint made it resemble a tiny barn, but it was cozy. It used to feel homey to me. I wasn’t sure if it still would. I knew Jacob’s work area, their garage, was out back concealed behind a line of trees and shrubbery. Their dirt driveway had a path that led to it, but I parked my truck next to the ramp that Billy used to get in and out of their front door.

I saw Jacob’s head peek out from behind the curtains in the living room window before we were even out of the truck. I was instantly reminded of the first time I came here after Edward left. Jacob had done the exact same thing. 

Back then, I was alone and had two beat up motorcycles in my truck bed. I wondered if they were still sitting in the garage. We had only taken them out once and I crashed mine. Jacob stopped talking to me soon after that and I never came back to get it.

“Hey Charlie, hey Bella!” Jacob beamed.

He was always generous with his smiles. He met us halfway to the door and helped Charlie by grabbing the pizzas.

They started chatting about the teams playing tonight and the stats on individual players. I didn’t add anything to the conversation. Instead, I tuned them out and took in the familiar house. 

We walked into the living room. It looked exactly the same. 

The walls were filled with old family photos in brown wooden frames that matched random shelves with slightly dusty knick knacks. A tan recliner sat in the corner opposite of the door and next to it was a small dark green couch. The TV was already on the sports channel, the announcers speaking gibberish. It was a tight space.

Jacob placed the pizzas on the short coffee table in front of the couch and I looked back at the seating options. Billy would most likely be sitting in the recliner which had to be more comfortable for him than his wheelchair. That left the small couch for Jacob, Charlie, and I. There was no way that we would all fit comfortably.

“Charlie, Bella, welcome in,” Billy rolled himself into the room and smiled up at us.

“Hey Billy,” I responded.

“How’re things?”

“They’re great,” I lied. “I’m ready to watch this game.” 

I gave him one of my well practiced grins. Jacob looked at me oddly, but Billy seemed pleased enough and started towards the recliner. There was barely enough space for him to maneuver.

Jacob immediately went over and helped him into the seat. It was obvious they had done this thousands of times before, their movements practiced and smoothed. Once Billy was situated, Jacob folded his wheelchair up and placed it against the wall. Billy gestured towards the couch, “Make yourselves at home.”

Charlie sat on the end closest to the front door which meant I would have to sit squished in the middle of him and Jacob.

Jacob saw me looking at the space and said, “I can sit on the floor so there is more room.” 

I took the opportunity before he could move and sat down closer to the front door, beside Charlie’s legs, “I don’t mind.”

Jacob looked like he was going to oppose, but I shot him a glare and he sat down next to Charlie. I fixed my gaze on the TV and we all settled in. 

They appeared to be having fun. The pizza was almost gone and the conversation seemed light and easy. It was obvious Billy and Charlie had been good friends for decades because the last couple years of awkwardness washed away like it was nothing. They cheered, jumping up and down, when their team was winning and groaned when a player made a bad move. I tried to seem as interested and invested as possible.

Soon, there was a break in the game and the TV blasted commercials. I felt like I was suffocating. I hugged my legs close to my chest and rested my head on my knees.

“We need to go fishing soon. I haven’t been in awhile and I have a real bad craving for Harry’s fish fry,” Billy said.

Charlie loved Harry’s homemade fish fry and nodded enthusiastically towards Billy, “We’ll have to go up further north though. Bella went on a hike recently and mentioned something about huge wolves.”

My head snapped up. I did not remember telling Charlie about the wolves, but to be fair, I didn’t remember much of anything from the week after visiting the meadow. Jacob and Billy shared a look, but I couldn’t decipher what it meant. 

Charlie continued, “Yeah, we’ve been dealing with some missing campers and torn up bodies down in Bogachiel. Rangers thought it was a bear but now we aren’t so sure.”

They had found more bodies? The air in the room shifted and nobody said anything until Jacob changed the subject, “Bella, there isn’t much pizza left. You haven’t had any, do you want me to get you a plate?”

“No.”

Jacob frowned. My response was short and rude, but I didn’t care.

“You sure you don’t want any pizza?” Charlie asked.

“Yeah, I ate at work, thank you though,” another lie. 

I was surprised Jacob had even noticed. He had been busy scarfing down an entire pizza by himself. I don’t know how he could eat that much without feeling sick.

“Would you like a soda, Bella? We have some in the fridge,” Billy said.

I did not want to be rude to Billy. Not when I saw how much Charlie was enjoying himself. I didn’t want to strain their relationship anymore than I already had.

“Sure, I would love one.”

Jacob started to get up.

“I got it. Refrigerator still in the same place?” I joked.

Billy laughed, “Would you mind bringing back a couple of beers?”

“Nope, not at all,” I said as I turned and walked into the kitchen.

Much like the living room, it was a tight space. The walls were a dingy white and the brown cabinets had seen better days. But, it was clean and smelled like lemons. They had the same small circular dining table that I remembered them having from childhood. It sat in the corner across from the sliding glass door that led to the back and the garage.

I went to the fridge, then heard mumbling. I flipped around towards the glass door. Two figures were approaching.

My heart stopped. 

Not here! 

Not with Charlie, and Billy, and Jacob in the other room.

I felt my panic rising and my vision tunneled. How could I spare them from Laurent and Victoria? I looked around the small space. There wasn’t anywhere to go except back out into the living room.

There was only one option.

I flung myself towards the door and slid it open. The cold night air blasted my skin, but it was too late. Before I could get myself out the door, the figures were pushing in and I smacked right into one. 

I bounced back and collided with a chair that hadn’t been tucked under the table enough. I felt a scream well up inside me, but I clamped it down.

A pair of hands grabbed my shoulders, “Uh, Bella?”

My vision was still spotty from panic, but their hands were very warm, hot even, unlike the hands of a vampire. The voice was deep and sounded familiar. 

I took in some air and squinted to focus my eyes.

It was Sam Uley. My mind flashed back to that unfortunate night when he pulled me out of the woods. Then, I remembered seeing him in town and accusing him of not allowing Jacob to talk to me.

Yay. Another emotion; embarrassment. No wonder I recognized his voice.

“Sam. Paul. What’s going on?” Jacob sounded from the doorway.

Jacob was staring daggers at Sam’s hands on my shoulders. Sam dropped them back down to his side immediately.

“We need to discuss something,” Sam side-eyed me. “Privately. Let’s go.”

My white hot anger resurfaced and bubbled up through me. My head cleared. Sam might not have told Jacob to stop talking to me, but he sure as hell did something to get him to join his little cult. Obviously, he had no qualms about coming into Jacob’s home and making demands of him.

Jacob sighed and started towards Sam.

“Wow Jacob, you really are his little lap dog.” I seethed. 

Sam did not acknowledge my rude comment, but it seemed to have rubbed this Paul guy the wrong way. He started visibly shaking and he spoke through clenched teeth, “You better watch your mouth little girl.”

“Watch yourself,” Jacob said darkly as he stepped up to Paul.

It looked like they were about to start swinging.

“Enough,” Sam barked. “Let’s go. Now.”

Sam’s voice held authority and he and Paul walked back out into the night. Jacob gave me a grimace, his eyes pleading with me to understand, and followed behind them.

I stood in the kitchen alone. What just happened? 

I stayed still for a few more moments before remembering I came in to grab drinks. I pulled out two beers from the fridge and went back into the living room.

“Was that Sam I heard?” Billy asked.

I nodded and handed him and Charlie their beers, “and Jacob?”

“Sam and some guy named Paul whisked him away,” I tried to keep the bitterness out of my voice. 

Billy looked nervous, but said nothing else about it. I sat down in the spot vacated by Jacob and we all watched the rest of the game.

Jacob never returned and, honestly, I felt worn out. My brain was frazzled. I asked Charlie to drive us home under the guise of being too tired.

I had gotten lucky tonight. If it had actually been Victoria and Laurent… I shuddered at the thought.