Chapter Text
Hanging from the Family Tree
November 2017
The brothers had been close when they were younger until their differences grew and wove in between them, nurtured by their parents who saw community as weakness. As Sirius grew older he began to rebel from the Black family ideals and so their parents had sent him to the prestigious boys boarding school Gryffindor in the Scottish highlands at the age of eleven. From then on Regulus rarely saw his older brother as he only returned a few times a year, taking the long journey home by train for holidays and staying with their cousins Narcissa, Bellatrix and Andromeda for exeats and half terms.
On Sirius' rare returns he waxed lyrical, at first openly, and then in whispered nighttime conversations for only Regulus’ ears about the Great James Potter.
Their parents had sent Sirius away with the aims of building character and hardening him to join the family business, however when he returned with long hair and mentions of friends who did not align with the Black family values of toujours pur, this damaged the family’s image. Regulus overheard countless family dinners where Sirius' name would be mentioned followed by harsh words like fairy, puff, and worse, spat out of thin lips and always accompanied by harsh, catty laughter.
Sirius wasn’t to be the family’s only disappointment however. In the summer after Sirius’ first year at Gryffindor, Regulus, with his older brother’s help, hacked off his long dark hair into a short, boyish cut. Their parents were appalled and quickly arranged for Regulus to start at the equally prestigious and expensive girls school Slytherin that September.
And so the brothers were torn apart. Sirius to the North of the island in Scotland while Regulus was sent to the South to a boarding school in Kent for young ladies. While Regulus kept his head down, achieving good grades, forming few friends and aiming to get out of the family peacefully with his inheritance intact, Sirius took a completely opposite approach. He existed loudly, aiming to take up as much space as possible and causing mayhem with his new found brother James. While Regulus wanted to leave the home peacefully, Sirius wanted to be kicked out on his arse, dead or alive, he saw it as the most honourable thing.
On the few times the brothers were reunited throughout the years Regulus could tell Sirius resented his cowardice. Regulus let his hair grow long, accentuated his chest and seemed to accept the life laid out for him as Regina Black, pandering to older men for attention. Meanwhile, Sirius spat and bit back at their parents, fiercely defending Regulus until Regulus begged him not to as he was punished alongside his louder brother.
In truth, maybe Regulus was a coward. Or maybe he was just tired. He was tired of existing in a body that wasn’t his, leading a life that wasn’t his and being looked down on by a brother that had once felt like his other half but now felt like a stranger.
One night, after Sirius had got into a particularly bad argument with their parents the day of his 16th birthday he had limped into Regulus’ bedroom, a carton of cigarettes in one hand and a crumpled apology and goodbye in the other. He had clearly expected to find Regulus asleep and was going to simply slip the apology under his brother's pillow and slip away into the night forever with only a carton of cigarettes for company. Instead he had found Regulus wide awake, sitting at his desk, an eyebrow razor in hand, tears running down his face and shaking uncontrollably.
With a finger to his lips and a panicked look on his face Sirius had pulled the razor out of his brother's hand, clasped it with his own and led him out of the room, stopping only to grab a couple of their parents expensive bottles of whiskey posed on a silver ornamental tray in the hallway. He had pulled his brother up the stairs, ignoring the pain in his own arms and legs, bloody and bruised from their parents' punishments. He had taken Regulus all the way to the top of the tall Knightsbridge townhouse, through the attic and onto the roof where the stars weakly glistened through the polluted London sky.
When Regulus continued to sob and shake he held the smaller boy in his arms and rubbed his back, whispering soothing sweet nothings into his ears as the crisp November air dried his tears and calmed his breathing. Once Regulus was shaking from the cold more than anything else he had held the whiskey bottle up with a weak, wry grin.
‘It'll warm you up Reggie’ he offered hopefully. Regulus nodded and grabbed the bottle from him, popping off the cap and swigging before promptly gagging.
’The fuck is this Sirius?’
‘Whiskey?’ Sirius replied guiltily, ‘wanna get smashed? It’ll help I swear!’
‘I don’t think that’s a very good motto to live by’ snorted back Regulus, ‘I’m only 15 what are you trying to get me into anyway’
‘I think you’ve got yourself into plenty of trouble already’ answered Sirius, his joking expression turning to worry, ‘you’d better not have been doing what I think you were doing in there.’
‘It’s no big deal’ replied Regulus shortly
‘Reggie-‘ interjected Sirius but he was quickly cut off by Regulus,
‘All the other girls at school do it anyway and no one cares. They all do it together. It’s like a game to them.’
‘The other girls reg?’
Regulus’ head snapped up sharply, his eyes narrowing and eyes shifting, grasping for an escape, ‘what do you mean by that?’
Sirius tilted his head softly, a gentle smile playing at his lips, ‘Reggie, it’s ok. You can be yourself around me. I’ve always liked boys, I only like boys,’ he leant in closer to regulus, his liquor stained breath ghosting the younger boy’s ear, ‘I’m gay . I’m not the type of boy to judge,’ Sirius paused again, a shy smile on his face, ‘another boy for being who he is.’
Regulus’ only reply was swiping the carton of fags from his brother, flipping them open and pulling out the lighter along with a cig. ‘How do I do this?’
‘Which bit? The smoking or the coming out?’
‘Both.’
‘Well I think you’ve just done the coming out to be honest. So you’re a boy?’ Regulus only nodded slowly in reply. ‘A him and all that jazz’. Sirius dramatically waved his hands at this and Regulus only raised one eyebrow. Sirius grinned, ‘Sorry, sorry. Do you have a name you prefer?’
Regulus took another swig, deep in thought as Sirius gulped from his own bottle. ‘What’s the boy version of Regina? Reginald? Ew.’ Sirius stayed silent, watching his brother think. ‘What about Regulus?’
‘I think if Regulus feels like you, then you’re Regulus. You can be a star just like me. The brightest star in Leo, the heart of the lion.’
‘I feel like Regulus.’ He simply replied.
‘Well then you are Regulus!’ Hooted Sirius, ‘my baby bro born again!’
‘Shut up. Can we move on, I don’t like doing all this thinking it’s making my head hurt’
‘Awww of course baby bro’
‘Can you stop calling me that. I need a cig. Show me how’
At this Sirius gasped dramatically, ‘you’ve never smoked before? Not even at your all girls catholic boarding school?’ Regulus shook his head. ‘That’s crazy. Are you serious? No, I'm Sirius. Haha geddit?’ Sirius giggled.
‘Laughing at your own jokes isn’t an attractive quality’ sniped regulus.
‘Oh no! My baby bro doesn’t think I'm cool! Whatever shall I do?’ Sirius clutched his heart dramatically
Regulus shook the carton impatiently.
‘Ok fine. Gimme one.’ Regulus passed him a cigarette and the lighter, squinting at the stickers on it.
‘Is this a My Chemical Romance sticker?’
‘Ok and? Frank Iero could run me over and what?’
‘Ew’
‘Shut it gay boy’ Sirius lifted the cig to his lips, clasping it between them and speaking around it, bringing the lighter towards it with his now free hands. ‘You have to inhale when you light it and the end will glow. And then when you take a drag you need to inhale right into your chest not your mouth. You should feel it in your throat. Don’t worry if you cough. Oh and once it’s lit you have to flick the ash off sometimes, like this’, Sirius held the cigarette between his first and middle finger, tapping the filter with his thumb.
He demonstrated then, flicking on the lighter and holding it to the end of the cigarette between his lips. With the end lit he took a long drag, inhaling deeply and sighing dramatically as he exhaled. ‘Lovely stuff. Marlborough reds. You’d better appreciate this’.
He passed the box to Regulus who plucked one out, holding it between his lips as Sirius had and clumsily flicking on the lighter. Once it was lit he tried to take a drag as Sirius had but was soon coughing hard, his eyes watering. Nonetheless Sirius looked proud, ‘baby’s first cigarette!’ He cackled.
‘Can you stop calling me baby!’ Spluttered regulus.
‘But you are my baby. My precious baby brother’ Sirius pretended to pout and coo, reaching out the ruffle Regulus’ hair. Regulus swatted his hand away.
‘I want to cut my hair again. I look like a girl. I hate it.’
‘It’s not safe Reggie. Mum and dad would beat you so bad.’
The air between the brothers sparked back up with tension at Sirius’ reply.
‘Since when did you care about safety Sirius?’ Regulus snapped.
‘I care about your safety Reggie. That’s the difference. All I’ve ever wanted was you to be safe.’
‘But you were going to run away without me tonight. Knowing I was trans you were going to leave me all alone in this house to die!” Regulus’ voice was rising now, along with his temper as the alcohol and nicotine made its way around his bloodstream to his brain.
Sirius sparked up then too, like petrol to a flame as he sat up, ‘I thought you didn’t want to go! I thought you loved the cushy comforts of the precious black family fortune and you were willing to lose yourself for it. Do you know how I felt all these years, watching you from far away even when we were close because you were too much of a coward to come out of your shell and just be yourself! I felt like I’d lost my other half!’
‘Do you know how I felt? Watching you get so wrapped up with your new brother James that you forgot about me? Do you know how I felt like it was my fault?’ Regulus’ voice was cracking now, tears trickling down his face, ‘do you know how I felt like I wanted to die because I felt like I wasn’t enough. I was willing to give myself up for you to get away and find yourself. All I ever wanted was to slip out once I was eighteen with my inheritance and live as me!’
Tears were running down Sirius’ face now. He hated crying. It made him feel weak and he hated feeling weak above anything else. ‘James could never replace you Reggie. You’re my brother.’ Sirius reached out to grab his brother's hand in his, clutching it close. He felt his brother's clammy hand in his, saw his brother's tear streaked face and felt his heart lurch into his throat as the realisation set in that he was mourning a brother that wasn’t gone yet. He decided to take a leap.
‘Reggie, you can run with me now! You and I both know you won’t live until eighteen if you stay in this house. You’ll end up throwing yourself off a cliff and dying alone by 17 at the latest. You’ll never get to live as yourself. You will die in these four walls as a coward. Please Reggie.Please.’
Sirius was practically begging now and it seemed Regulus could sense this as, slowly, he nodded, not looking at his brother.
‘Ok.’ He murmured. ‘Ok. I’ll run with you.’ He frowned, ‘We don’t have any money though. That’s why I wanted to try and wait until I was 18. I need this inheritance. I can’t live on the streets, I look like a girl, it’s not safe’
Sirius furrowed his brow, ‘Oh yeah. I hadn’t really thought about that.’ He swigged from the bottle, wincing and quickly taking a long drag from the nub of his cigarette as a chaser, deep in thought. ‘We could just steal money. Mum and Dad have loads in the basement safe, you know how they don’t trust banks to keep the money from the Death Eaters. There must be millions of pounds in there alone.’
‘I know the safe combination in the basement. They have so much in there, they won’t even notice if we take some. And we can take some of their credit cards, they won’t notice we’re using them until the bills come through next year.’
Sirius looked shocked. ‘How do you know this stuff? You’re telling me you knew all this and were content to just wait for your inheritance when you’re 18?’
Regulus raised an eyebrow, ‘I didn’t want to steal. That’s wrong.’
‘And beating and starving your kids isn’t? Besides, all the money in there is dirty money from their blackmail. They can never call the police on us, it's not like their money isn’t stolen too.’
‘Fair enough. But how were you going to run away without money?’
‘I was going to find James’
‘No. We can’t do that. It’s not just that I don’t like him-‘ Sirius opened his mouth to interject, but Regulus carried on, raising a hand to silence his brother, ’but if we do this we need to run away properly and disappear. Mum and dad can’t find us or we’ll be right back where we started in this fucking house.’
‘So we need fake names too?’ Sirius brightened at the idea. ‘You can be Regulus, that’s fine they don’t know you as that, and I’ll be…’, he paused for dramatic effect, ‘Padfoot.’
‘Padfoot? What kind of stupid name is that? We need to be inconspicuous. ’
Sirius pouted, ‘It’s a school nickname. Also why are you acting like Regulus isn’t a freaky name too. It’ll be fine, people will just assume that we have wacky parents.’
’Which we do.’ Giggled Regulus, the booze making his head spin.
Sirius grinned wolfishly, ‘I like drunk Regulus, I haven’t heard you slag off mum and dad in years.’ He slung his arm around his younger brother’s shoulder, and for the first time in years Regulus didn’t shove him away, or even lean away from the touch, instead he leaned into his, basking in the comfort and warmth of having his brother back at last.
’I still don’t think you should be encouraging alcohol dependence on your younger brother.’
Sirius just snorted in response. ‘Come on. We need to get going. It's best to leave now.’
And so the brothers left. They left the roof, they left the house, they left the family, each with just a small bag, a duffel stuffed with money and credit cards, and Regulus with his kitten Kreacher tucked under his arm. They didn’t even leave a note, they simply melted into the night, leaving all ID in a neighbours skip. They deleted their contacts and social media and vowed to entirely isolate themselves from their past family and friends until Regulus was 21.
That night the brothers lost everything. They lost a house, a family and friends, but they had each other and for once they were okay with that.