Work Text:
Ring.
There was this noise.
Ring.
Where was it coming from?
Ring.
He looked around but couldn’t find it, wait, where even was he?
Ring.
Everywhere he looked was dark. Pure black.
Ring.
Ah, that figures. He was in a dream.
Ring.
And this noise was probably coming from his phone. He really wanted to get up right now. Because this noise was getting annoying.
Ring.
Just as he thought that he felt his surroundings turning a shade of grey, meaning he was waking up. His eyes slowly opened blurry at first. He blinked a few times and stared at the ceiling for a few moments. Scowling at himself, he forced himself to reach for his phone. The caller had stopped letting it ring but would probably call soon enough. He checked the time, 12.56, ah, so it was either Kunikida or Atsushi who got caught between the Idealist’s grumbling. Thinking about it, Kunikida had to definitely add a “complain about Dazai” time at this rate.
Ring.
That broke him out of his thoughts, he looked at his phone, a notebook emoji. So it was Kunikida-kun who was calling him. He let it ring for a few more times just to annoy him more and picked it up. He was immediately met with Kunikida talking with someone. Probably Atsushi since he wasn’t waiting for him to pick up this time.
“- should write this instead of that, it is not formal enough...”
If Dazai was someone normal, he would definitely clear his throat or something for the other side of the phone to know that he was there, but alas, he wasn’t normal, so he continued to listen.
There was another person’s voice. “Kunikida-kun, do we really need to make it way too formal? It sounds like we come from the 11th Century.” Dazai has to give credit, that really was a good one.
“Absolutely, this file is for the Port Mafia. So we should take it seriously. We might be in a truce but it doesn’t mean we should act like we are buddy-buddy with them.” Kunikida says and he definitely pushed his glasses up while saying that, at least once.
Dazai doesn’t know why but Kunikida had a habit of doing that. Dazai wondered if he wore his own glasses on a daily basis would he also have a habit of doing that too.
He sighed and froze as he realised he just outed himself. “Wait, Dazai!? You’ve listened this whole time and said nothing!? And where are you, it’s already past lunch time and you’re still not here! Not to mention we have a meeting with the Port Mafia in two hours!”
“Hey, Kunikida-kun~” teased Dazai, “You don’t have to worry about me! I know you all miss me so much, and thanks to you I woke up from a beautiful dream where I was on the edge of dying! There was a beautiful lady too, we were facing the city as we were about to jump off of the building, but you had to interrupt it with your schedule. I think it turned out to be a nightmare as you had to drag me away from the edge and apologise to my Belladona! Then I woke up to my phone ringing. Such a tragedy, maybe I would have died in my sleep too if I had died in my dream.” He whined, it was obvious that he was pouting if you listened closely.
Dazai recovered quickly and continued, “And also, who even puts their phone on speaker while waiting for them to pick up Kunikida-kun? If you keep doing that, they could steal very important information from you Kunikida-kun! You should be more careful, especially since you don’t even realise people accept your call! Wait, or is it that you don’t get many calls from people, Kunikida-kun?” Dazai bets that Kunikida’s turning red or already red from embarrassment. Gosh he wished he could get a picture of it, that would be a good addition to his addition to the ‘Kunikida-Kun’s blushing sessions’ corner.
It doesn’t really matter anyways, he could just check the agency’s cameras and get it from there later.
“Shut it and come to the agency already, you walking mummy!” he shouted.
Dazai giggled and got up from his futon to head to the bathroom.
“Alright, alright Kunikida-Kun. I’ll be there at 15. Now, love you, bye!” And he hung up.
Dazai stood there frozen as he realised that.
He just said... love you... to Kunikida... And he hung up.
“Oh my god, I just said I loved him! What am I gonna do now!? Oh I know! Just ignore it like it never happened and continue like usual. Goodness, why am I always doing this!?” Then he went to his knees, to pray, “Please to any god up there, please if you hear this, save me from the mess I created. I will do anything you want me to!” Dazai whined. He really was screwed once he went to the agency.
Kunikida stood there stunned. Phone still in his hand. At first there was nothing, and then he started turning red. There was war going in his head right now. Dazai said he loves him.
Dazai Osamu said. ‘Love you’ to Kunikida.
“Uh, Kunikida-San. Are you okay? Did something happen?” Atsushi said, right, he was in the agency. And he needs to recover from this. It’s just words, it is just words.
Words that have ‘Love you’ in it!
“Yosano-sensei, please can you check on Kunikida-San! Something happened and he is now red! Like a tomato and I am worried, is he suffocating!?” Atsushi’s voice reminded him that he still needs to calm himself.
Why was it so hard to do that! He is in a public space, it is very unprofessional for him to be like this. He cleared his throat and shook his head but he could still feel his cheeks burning, his whole face burning.
Ranpo took a look at Kunikida’s now slightly pink face and snickered, soon his snickers turned into full on laughter. Kunikida turned towards the greatest detective and looked at him with pleading eyes. “Ranpo-san, please. Not even a word...”
The blond man said he needed to think on his own right now, without a friend’s help. Actually that could be a bit okay, but he doesn’t want Ranpo’s advice in love. Atsushi already knew what would happen if he came to Ranpo about anything related to love, his advice on opening up to his crush was to throw figs at that person. Atsushi tried it but it only ended with him having to regenerate an arm for it. So Ranpo was a big no.
Yosano got out of her office to get a cup of coffee and also check on Kunikida at Atsushi’s request. She came face to face with a red faced Kunikida. Her first guess was if he was sick but that couldn’t be it, when Kunikida got sick he would always make sure to call in and continue working from his dorm. So that wasn’t it, the second guess would be if it was the heat, but that also got scribbled on because they were in the middle of winter.
Ah, yes. Definitely Dazai then.
For a fact, she definitely knew what he should do, so, without getting herself a coffee, she directly went to the president's office.
She knocked on the door twice before opening it. Fukuzawa turned his head from his paperwork to Yosano, “Is there an issue? It's not normal for you to come here without your coffee.”
“This is more important than coffee right now.” Fukuzawa raised an eyebrow at her. What could be more important than your coffee addiction right now? It was a silent question.
“Love emergency, old man. It seems like our little Dazai finally confessed to Kunikida and he is panicking in silence right in the main area!” She replied happily.
President's eyes widened slightly, he knew Dazai has a ‘little’ crush on Kunikida because Yosano and Ranpo talk about them when they occasionally come into his office and gossip. Sometimes they bring Dazai with them. “And what do you want from me?”
Yosano grinned and put her hand to her waist, “Make them go on a mission today. Something easy to solve so they have the rest of the time talking about their feelings instead of being ignorant about it. Especially Dazai, but I am sure Kunikida will do the job for that.” Fukuzawa nodded and looked at the emails about job offers from clients, there was one that would be too easy for them that would do the job, even if Dazai would figure out that it doesn't need two people for it and is definitely Yosano’s request. Fukuzawa nodded again, “Alright, found one. It's just an old lady's cat getting lost. Pretty sure Dazai will find it right away. I will tell them when Dazai comes to work.”
Yosano smiled graciously, “Sweet! Thanks Pres! I'll be on my way then.” She said as she went out to really get herself a cup of coffee, for real this time.
_____________________
Dazai hesitated when he was opening the door to ADA, but gave himself an imaginary slap at the face and came back to himself.
He entered through the door with a way too big smile and did his usual greeting, well, to everyone except Kunikida. Ranpo gave him a look with his very much closed eyes at that.
“Good morning agency peasants! Such a beautiful day to take a dive in a river, isn't it?” He said as he immediately made his way to his spot on the agency couch. Atsushi swore that one time when Dazai wasn't there he saw a Dazai-shaped spot on it. “Dazai-san it's past noon…” Atsushi mumbled
“Good afternoon then!” Dazai chirped.
Dazai took out his suicide manual from his pocket and started to reread it. If that would be called reading of course, because Dazai was still freaking out from earlier, but also thinking about what he should read after he went back home.
He has a few half-read books so he really should finish them, and probably should rearrange his bookshelf. He should maybe get an additional bookshelf because there won't be enough space for his many book collections, since he wanted the books to be in order.
Pre-war books at the very top, philosophy books under it. In the middle could be phycology books and last two can be medical and his foreign book shelf! That sounds perfect. Two bookshelves should be enough for that. Same order, just different bookshelves.
He also should get some more decorations from before for the other bookshelf, the ones that are sparkly. He likes looking at them at night when he can't sleep.
Suddenly he was interrupted from his thoughts by footsteps coming towards his way.
Atsushi peaked from the corner and made eye contact with him immediately. Atsushi got scared for a moment then remembered that this is Dazai he is facing, it was normal behaviour. “Dazai-san, everyone is waiting for you in the meeting room. The President said the Port Mafia should be here anytime now.”
Oh yeah, the meeting Kunikida talked about. That much time passed while he was zoned out? He smiled at Atsushi and got up, pocketing his book. “We shall go then Atsushi-kun! I think I heard a car just parking.” Atsushi looked at him weirdly and then made his way to the meeting with Dazai in front. Dazai nodded at the President when he entered the room.
He took his seat in front of Kunikida's and eyed the papers in front of Kunikida and The President. This meeting was nothing important, just a hangout kind of meeting with the intention of making their alliance stronger. They were going to talk about the city and what's new happening in their territory. Normally, they were going to meet up in a cafe in the neutral territory but they decided that the civilians seeing the Port Mafia and The Armed Detective Agency together would definitely take unwanted attention.
So nothing important, Dazai should have fled when he had the chance. He wasn't even needed here, absolutely ridiculous!
But on the bright side, he can bother Chuuya. As he thought that, the door opened and The Port Mafia entered. Mori and his 3 executives minus Verlaine of course. Seems like he ain't getting out of that basement any near time.
‘Speak of the devil and he shall appear!’ He thought as Chuuya came into his view.
Dazai put his hands behind his head, connecting them there and resting his head there.
Everybody stood up in greeting (except Dazai. Kunikida eyed him but didn't say anything). Mori and Fukuzawa exchanged knowing looks and sat down, the agency following him and doing the same.
“So, where should we start Fukuzawa-Dono? Shall we get into business right away or an actual conversation as friends?” Mori put his elbows on the desk, resting his chin on his hands. Fukuzawa closed his eyes and answered calmly, “We should get the report done then we can do as we please.”
Mori smiled sweetly (was he blushing!?) and they got into business. Dazai wasn't paying attention to them, but it was probably short because there wasn't much going on with Yokohama right now, sure the Guild was defeated, and the few new gangs that tried to take advantage of the chaos failed miserably. He was sure that The Port Mafia dealt with them already.
He was trying to read his suicide manual from his mind when he was interrupted by someone. He made a face (with closed eyes) and looked at the person who bothered him. It was a man with gray hair and purple eyes, Ace, his mind reminds him.
He remembers him from his time researching about the new people who joined the Mafia. Mori sent him every single member's file when he became a detective. Ace joined a while after he left and Mori told him that he bought his place as an executive.
‘Ah, I bet that Chibi and Ane-san hate him. Maybe Paul-san too but I don't think he could care less about him, he is too busy mourning Randou-san’
But he can't blame them, from what he saw he acted like a shit superior and still acted all high and mighty. To him Ace seemed like he was trying to copy the Demon Prodigy.
Yes, he might have acted like a little shit to his subordinates but he at least didn't do it for no reason. This man didn't even have it, and his ability was trash, useless as heck. He needed a freaking collar to scare his subordinates. The fact that everybody knew it wasn't helping.
Anyone can take the offered collar and toss it somewhere else. He needed a collar for his subordinates’ loyalty. Dazai did that without even needing an ability and his subordinates respected him very much. So his score for this man is
‘1/10’
…he said it out loud.
Ranpo, who had been eyeing him since he saw Ace approaching Dazai, burst out laughing. Chuuya, who heard everything, cracked a smile but turned away. Ace looked like he was trying to complete a million piece puzzle.
Dazai just realised that the conversation about the city was over, and now Fukuzawa was talking with Mori. Kouyou with Kyouka, Kenji and Yosano. Chuuya with Atsushi and the Tanizaki siblings (although Junichiro looked like he was going to faint while Naomi was complimenting the executive, Atsushi was just there). That left Ace with either Dazai, Kunikida or Ranpo. Somehow, Dazai seemed like he would be the most impressed person by Ace (he wasn't, he knew everything about Ace. Even about the ship he put his goods that he stole from the Mafia. Mori already knew that of course.)
Fukuzawa eyed Ranpo about what happened, Ranpo mouthed that he'll tell later.
Dazai stood up and walked to Chuuya. Ace looked like he wanted to stop him but he was still busy figuring out what he said. He heard him mumble “What does 1/10 mean!?”
“Sorry for interrupting but I need to steal this Chibichuu for a while.” He grabbed Chuuya and went out of the room with Naomi complaining behind him. Chuuya didn't say anything and just allowed himself to get dragged by a twig.
Chuuya pulled his hand back when Dazai stopped. “Alright, something's going on with you. If you wanted to insult me you would have done it in front of them. So?”
Dazai hesitated before mumbling something.
“Sorry, what was that? Talk normally, you mackerel. I feel like something possessed you or somethin’? You wouldn't hesitate to say anything. This is so creepy…” Chuuya looked mortified.
Dazai looked like he could cry, like really, genuinely cry. It creeped Chuuya out, if something could make the all mighty Dazai Osamu fucking cry that means it is bad.
Dazai, again, mumbled something inaudible. Chuuya scoffed, “Speak a little more loudly and I'll probably become deaf bastard.”
It's starting piss Chuuya off and Dazai hasn't even done anything bad anyways. Dazai took a deep breath and finally talked normally, “You remember the bet we made?” Chuuya raised an eyebrow.
“Which bet are you talking about mackerel? We make a lot of bets…”
Dazai blushed. Chuuya literally couldn't believe his eyes when he saw that faint redness on Dazai's cheeks.
He looked at Dazai.
Dazai looked at him.
Then it came crashing down, Dazai was talking about the bet they made of who would confess first to their crushes.
“Looks like I sadly won the bet…” They don't even know why they made the bet. Maybe because both of them don't have the guts to confess and they know it.
“What do you mean by ‘sadly’?! You won the bet! Now I have to call you by your name instead of my amazing nicknames… tch!” Chuuya hates this man, he can swear that he confessed on purpose!
“But Chuuya~! Let me just explain how I confessed then you'll understand!” Dazai whined with tears in the corner of his eyes. Chuuya stared at him for a minute and said okay.
Dazai explained from the time he woke up to now. For short, Chuuya finds this surprising and absolutely hilarious that he couldn't help but laugh a little, in return he got a light shoving from Dazai. “I shouldn't have told you…” he grumbles. “ Fine, fine. I'm not laughing anymore, now, you won the bet so I cannot call you anything that isn't your name and oh my god, you didn't even realise you said it, pfft-” Dazai literally looked like he was so done with life, so instead of dealing with a laughing-his-ass-off Chuuya he
decided to flee while he can.
He can smell something fishy going on with Yosano…
_____________________
Dazai was sitting on a table alone in the Uzumaki café, drinking his extremely sweet coffee when his phone rang with the ringtone he set for his boss, he picked it up and answered.
“Hi boss! You have any missions for me?” He asked, setting his coffee mug to the table.
“That's actually why I called you Dazai. It's rather an easy job, an elderly woman lost her cat. I want you and Kunikida to go and find the cat and reunite it with its owner. I have sent the location to your and Kunikida's emails.”
Ah, so this was the fishy thing going on with Yosano…
“Boss, as you said this is an easy mission, so by any chance, can I do it alone? Pretty please?” Even though he knew that Fukuzawa couldn't see him, he still batted his eyelashes.
The dreaded response came too quickly, “No.” Then he hung up.
Dazai was on the edge of having a breakdown, he cannot talk to Kunikida any time soon. Or rather about the topic, he could always ignore it but knowing Kunikida he wouldn't let him get away with it and they would end up dating in the end. He knows that, but even the concept of being loved gives him chills down to his spine. While he would absolutely love being with Kunikida he feels like the relationship will not end well. He didn't want something to happen to Kunikida.
He was brought back to reality with a gentle tap to his shoulder, he looked at his side and saw the redheaded girl formerly from the Guild. “Kunikida-san is waiting outside, sorry if I disturbed you… you looked out of it.” She said, fiddling with her apron. “Thank you Lucy-chan.” He said getting up from his seat, “Have a nice day!”
He then went out to meet Kunikida, dreading what was to come. He was waiting for him in front of the building, staring at his watch, probably calculating the seconds.
He walked behind him making his footsteps silent. Perfect time to scare the absolute shit out of him.
He very, very gently put his fingers on his shoulder. The reaction was instant. Kunikida turned to his back facing Dazai, and almost punched him in the face if Dazai hadn't dodged.
“You-! I am not even going to do this, you're just gonna ignore me anyways. Let's go, we need to get this job done.” Dazai chuckled and followed Kunikida as he walked away.
The walk to the woman's house was too quiet for Dazai's taste. He read his book the entire time, trusting Kunikida to lead the way.
The house, from the outside, looked beautiful, there were vines growing up the walls that made it look somehow nostalgic. The garden was neat, and the flowers were growing beautifully. They went through the entrance between the gardens, and reached the woman's door.
Kunikida looked at his watch, "We're 1 minute 26 seconds early…”
Dazai squinted his eyes when he said that. “Don't tell me we have to wait 1 minute and 26 seconds to knock on the door Kunikida-kun.” Kunikida looked at him stoically, “Of course we will.” He said it like it was the most normal thing in the world.
Dazai didn't say anything; he just walked past Kunikida and looked at him, while knocking on the door. ‘Feel pain’ he thought to himself when Kunikida made a face. He looked ready to attack him but refrained himself when the door opened and a elderly woman appeared.
“Oh, you two must be the detectives. Please come in, I've been waiting for you two.” The woman smiled at them and opened the door wider to let them in.
They followed the woman to the living room. “Please have a seat while I get a picture of my dear Astroider2078.” Then she walks away.
…
What?
“Did she really just say ‘Astroider2078’?” Kunikida whispers to him.
“I think so…” he whispers back as he takes a seat on the armchair. “Humans really do have the most absurd names for their pets, don't you think so too?”
Kunikida only hums as an answer and sits on the other armchair next to Dazai.
The woman comes back after a minute with a few pictures on her hand. She sits across from them. She gives them both a picture and basically starts to rant about her cat. It was a calico, Dazai couldn't help but it looked like Sensei but Sensei didn't have any colour across his chest, this cat did.
The woman told them that her Astroider2078 liked hiding, but it didn't take this long for her to come back from where she hid. After Kunikida asked a few questions they stood up and went to look for the cat.
Kunikida started searching inside - since according to the information, she never went out - and Dazai outside because he had a feeling that he would find her there.
And he was right, because he found the cats in an alleyway not so far away from the woman's house.
Yes, cats.
Seems like the cat was pregnant this whole time and gave birth in an alleyway. He called Kunikida to inform him about it.
Dazai sighed and kneeled in front of the cat and her kittens. He let the cat check him out before he did anything; the cat was surprisingly happy to let him pet her and take her kittens - there were two of them - with him.
“Aww, you're too cute Astro!” He shortened the name because this cat didn't deserve that absurd name. The cat meowed happily and followed him back to the house. ‘Maybe I should adopt a cat… wait, dang it why did I not make the bet about that!? I would have had a cat right now…’
Really a tragedy. The next bet they make, he is going to win it and make Chuuya get him a cat.
Kunikida and the woman - Fujiko, as he learned later - were waiting for him in front of the door. The woman practically squealed in joy when she saw the kittens and her lovely ‘Astroider2078’.
“Thank you both so much! I'll forever be indebted to you two, aww my baby. I didn't even know she was pregnant!”
‘Figures’ Dazai thought.
She picked the kittens and bowed before turning back to enter her house but Dazai talked before she could. “Can I name one of them, Fujiko-San?” He couldn't help but ask, can you blame him though? No? Nice.
“Oh of course! It's the least I can do!” Fujiko immediately agreed, “Which one do you wanna name?” Fujiko basically shoved the kittens to him in excitement.
“Hmm. I'll name this one McMuncher.” He pointed at the white and gray kitten. The woman's eyes literally sparkled when he said that. “That's adorable!” Before Fujiko could talk more, Kunikida interrupted her by coughing.
“It's good to know that you're happy Fujiko-San but me and Dazai need to go back to the agency now.” He said, grabbing Dazai by his collar and dragging him.
“Oh, it's okay! Dazai-San, you can visit anytime if you wish, I wouldn't mind” she said as she watched them walking away slowly (Dazai gave her a thumbs up because he definitely needs to visit that little McMuncher).
Kunikida took a left turn after they passed the 6th house, to get to the agency they needed to make a right turn… but dazai didn't say anything yet ‘cause he knew this would come eventually (he just didn't want it to be this soon).
They stopped at a hill. Normally people would come here for picnics and hanging out, occasionally marriage proposals. It wasn't so crowded since it was getting late now, so it wasn't that bad of a place to talk.
Kunikida sat down on the ground and looked at the sky, Dazai did the same but just stared at Kunikida.
After a while of silence, Kunikida finally said, “I love you too…” not looking away from the stars that were visible even though the sun was still slightly up.
Dazai looked at his lap and nodded. “I know.” That seemed to startle Kunikida ‘cause he didn't expect it.
“Then why would you ignore the topic this whole day?” Kunikida asked gently, looking at him now. He could feel his gaze on him, it was too gentle and Dazai felt like he didn't deserve it.
“I don't know? Just felt like I needed to ignore it at all costs or something. I don't really know the reason either.” He said not looking away from his lap, his pants’ colour looked strangely interesting all of a sudden. Why did he pick that colour again?
Kunikida sighed, “You just told me the reason and said you don't know it. That doesn't make sense, Dazai.” He says. “Sounds like you have another reason for it.” Dang it, he always forgets that Kunikida is also a detective.
Dazai scoffs, “Fine, okay. There may be another reason for it but I will not be saying that.” He can't, he shouldn't talk about it. Because whenever he talks about it something bad happens and he doesn't want that, ever.
Kunikida suddenly puts his own hand on his, Dazai finally looks at him. “Then I will wait.”
Four words. Those four words were the nicest words he has heard in a while.
“You will?” He asks back, his voice sounds so broken, so desperate for someone to hug him. And that's exactly what Kunikida does. “Yeah, I will.” Those words don't make him cry but it makes him feel so appreciated. Kunikida only hugs him tighter.
They spend about 10 minutes just hugging in silence and they both can say those were the best 10 minutes in their lives. Dazai was the one who broke the silence this time.
He lifted himself from Kunikida's arms.
Dazai looked quite embarrassed, his cheeks a bright red colour. “So, does this mean that we're…?” He trailed off. He wanted Kunikida to say it, to know that Kunikida also wants it.
Holding both of Dazai's hands in his own hands, “I guess it does mean we're now boyfriends.” Dazai couldn't help but laugh at the irony.
“Who would have thought that Mr. I-will-meet-someone-in-four-years will date someone two years later… and a man at that!” Dazai teased Kunikida.
Kunikida became as red as a tomato at that. He lightly punches Dazai's shoulder, “Shut up, we don't talk about that.” He mumbles.
“Hm, okay.” Dazai stared at Kunikida's face, his eyes shining like that for the first time since he was sixteen, like he found love, like he found life. Dazai rested his head on Kunikida's shoulder, he wanted to stay like this forever.
They stayed like that ‘til the sun wasn't visible anymore.
“We should go back to the agency.”
“Yea, we should, I guess.”
Kunikida got up first offering his hand to Dazai once he did. Dazai smiles, “Such a gentleman you're Kunikida-kun~” he said as Kunikida pulled him up. Kunikida stood like that for a minute, “You're weirdly light… we are going to have to change that.”
Dazai gasps in fake offence. “I’ll let you know that my weight is normal! You're just strong.” They start walking back to the agency.
“Yeah, sure whatever you say dear.” Kunikida says.
Dazai stays silent, automatically following Kunikida. “‘Dear’?” He asks. Kunikida looks at Dazai, “Is that too soon?” He asks back.
“No, not at all. I quite like it actually.” He smiles slightly. Kunikida smiled and offered his hand for Dazai to take it. He did take it and they continued their peaceful journey.
(They stayed overtime for their shift because they both had paperwork, especially Dazai.)
_____________________
The next day, when Dazai and Kunikida entered together - holding hands - everyone congratulated them on finally dating.
Dazai was stolen by Ranpo and Yosano the first few minutes of him being there.
All they talked about was how it went and then started talking about random gossip they heard from just ‘passing by and accidentally heard it’.