Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The last time you had your eyes open, you only saw the snow and flakes falling by the thousands above your head. 

The cold bit your skin, made you snap your teeth and tremble as if two invisible hands were using you like a shaker, to try to bring up your body heat. 

You no longer felt your extremities and fatigue made your eyelids heavy with each additional step you managed to take. 

Then, several cries in the distance and two gigantic metal doors undoubtedly indicating the entrance to a city.

Cries that you can’t hear as they seem stifled, distant. As if you were in water or any other substance that stifles the senses and sounds. 

Finally, and this is undoubtedly the last image that keeps coming back to you: your knees giving out, your body crashing as it falls sideways onto the ground, boots in front of your eyes and several weapons pointed at you. 

Then, the black hole. 

It’s a regular and comforting noise that makes you emerge then gradually open your eyes. 

The moment your eyelids open to let the winter light in, you can only perceive two small slits of the outside world. As if your pupils were no longer round but vertical like those of snakes or cats. 

You blink several times hoping to change the situation, but nothing happens, you just manage to open a little more, only a few centimeters, your left eye. 

You task to calm the panic that gently invades your brain to spread throughout your body, not knowing at all where you find it, nor with whom. So, to compensate, you wave your extremities. 

You discreetly wave your fingers, one joint after the other. You savor the sensations regained and the lost numbness. Under the pulp of your fingers, you feel a sheet lined with a fleece duvet, dotted here and there with some pilling, undoubtedly indicating its age.  

Then your fingers venture near your hips, or this time any other type of texture spreads under your fingers. This one is lighter, more flexible. A blend of polyester and cotton. A bit like the dresses that hospitals gave us, in the old world, before a surgical intervention. 

As you gradually regain the sensations of your body, you realize that you are alive. Yes, alive. By the way, you are so alive that your entire body hurts. You have the impression of having been crushed, repeatedly, by a steamroller.

Your head makes you suffer and reminds you of the migraines you had repeatedly. Your legs are also very painful, as if your bones had decided to push again, and then there are also your ribs, your chest, your plexus, and your arms. 

The price of life, you say to yourself internally. 

Just that. 

By the way, your arm hurts particularly as if you had a wound or something that itched repeatedly. You then task to redirect your gaze, while releasing your free hand from under the duvet, towards the origin of your itch. In your movement, you notice a bracelet on your wrist with writing on it without being able to decipher what is said on it.

A tube. No wound or other lesion, simply a tube attached to the hollow of your arm, running along it up to your fingers to fall out of bed.

While following it with your gaze to find its origin, you see a shape in front of you and you jump by uttering a cry. A scream that surprises you yourself with its resonance in the room. 

The shape does not react, it even seems static, as if it were a mannequin or a statue. You are looking for a detail, something that could mean life to you, a pulse, a breath, something, but you perceive absolutely nothing. 

You try to open a little, to force your only eye which seems to react to try to see more details but to force so much hurts you, and you blink your eyelid to mitigate the sting of the dryness and the lack of hydration of your eyeball.

From the person in front of you, you see a massive body. Voluminous and graying hair, a full beard, a thick neck, a straight nose that allows you to realize that his face is sideways and slightly tilted as if he was sleeping, a green flannel shirt and foreheads-voluminous arm with broad and thick hands that are contracted by forming two large fists. 

No, this person is definitely very real without a doubt. 

The tube whose end you were looking for, originates in the hollow of the forearm of this person, of this man sitting right next to you. The tube is red, filled with a thick syrupy liquid and slightly dark like wine. 

‘’ Here we are. I'm pleased to see that you’re awake. ‘' 

You jump then redirect your gaze towards the woman’s voice that you just heard. Another form that comes to life under the aspect of a woman’s body is in the doorway of your room. 

‘' Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. ‘' 

The woman enters the room and approaches the man sitting on the chair. Without touching him and staying several inches away from him, she calls out to him in a soft, quiet voice. 

‘’ Joel ? Joel, wake up.’'

The man emits a slight start before raising his head and emerging vividly. His gaze falls directly on the woman who is by his side before moving towards you. 

From your valid eye, you welcome his gaze with fear and apprehension. His eyes are black and intense, and you can’t hold his gaze for long. 

‘’ She just woke up.’’ Said the woman next to him. 

‘’ I see it. ‘' 

It is now these two people who are looking at you. One with harshness, the other with understanding. So, to silence his pairs of eyes focused on you, you try to talk to understand how you ended up here. 

‘’ Wh-who are you ? ‘’ You ask without really addressing yourself to someone in particular. ‘’ And where am I ? ‘' 

‘’ We could ask you the same damn question. ‘’ Respond Joel by whistling teeth. 

You try not to hold acerbity against his tone, while looking at the nurse. 

‘’ I can’t remember.’’ 

‘’ No worries, love. My name is Eileen, I am the nurse. And you're currently in Jacksoncity, Wyoming.’' 

‘’ Wyoming ? But. I-I-I’m sorry, I can’t-‘' 

‘’ It's okay, you're in shock. Take your time. ‘' 

Eileen looks at you tenderly and her mouth widens into a compassionate smile. His gentleness soothes you for a little, even if it means forgetting some of it, the gaze and presence, totally antinomian of Joel. He hasn’t moved at all. He sits on the chair, legs spread, fists clenched, watching you with a dim eye as if you were an intruder, a target to shoot down. 

‘' I’m going to look for Maria and Tommy. Can I leave you alone with her Joel? ‘' 

Joel nods with a nod accompanied by a raucous grumbling. Eileen looks at you again, inspects the tube, then leaves the room with a rather lively pace. 

The silence floods the room again and you don’t dare to look in Joel’s direction. He stares at you as if he were trying to make you disappear through telepathy, or something like that, and his behavior makes you feel comfortable in addition to deeply annoying you. 

So, to try to relax the atmosphere that makes the room anxiety-inducing, you try to make conversation. 

‘' Why are you giving me your blood? I mean, why do I-I-I need it? ‘’You bite the inside of your cheeks for stuttering in front of him then you look at his arm to avoid his piercing gaze. 

‘' You needed it.’' 

‘’ And ? ‘' 

‘’ And that's it.‘' 

He doesn’t respond anymore, then turns his head towards the door before clearing his throat. 

‘’ But wh-whe-Where did I come from ? ’' 

No response again. 

‘’ W-wh-why I'm here? ‘' 

Joel emits a growl of discontent and his eyes rest on you again and suddenly you almost regret seeing better with your left eye. Her eyes, black as two pieces of coal, give you the effect of a cold shower in addition to giving you chills. 

‘' When you stop stuttering, maybe I’ll answer you.’’ Joel responds, in a neutral tone. 

An nth cold shower coupled with a humiliation. You don’t know who this Joel is, nor why he behaves like that but what’s certain is that he is far from being able to accompany a person who wonders what they are doing in an unknown city. 

The general atmosphere in the room continues to get heavier and you feel more and more cramped in the room. As if you were caught between all the walls of the room, as if the bed was gradually swallowing you like quicksand.

You try to focus on something else, counting your fingers one by one and when your thumb reaches your ring finger, you realize that it has a ring. An oblique and smooth ring under the pulp of your thumb. 

You approach your hand with your eyes, extend your fingers in a fan-like manner to better observe it. The ring is silver, thick without being imposing, discreet. It looks like a wedding band. This detail gives you the effect of a shock.

A memory comes bumping into you like an insect against the windshield of a vehicle : fast, unpredictable, noisy.   You see the ring, the ceremony, the reading of the wishes and the horrible honeymoon that followed afterwards. 

You remember the one to whom you were, or are, related, and the image of his face makes you wince. A mixture of pain and suffering that you can’t hide is read on your face. 

‘' What's f- wrong with you? ‘’ 

Joel’s voice is dry, directional and full of disdain. 

You are about to answer him, when the door of your room opens to let in Eileen and another woman, whom you suppose to be Maria. 

Maria with a soft face but a serious look, you feel in her an obvious leadership that radiates from her posture. Eileen, hastens to observe the tube that connects you, unfortunately, to Joel before making a sulking pout with his mouth. 

‘' Another hour, sorry Joel. ‘' 

‘’ holy shit. ‘’ 

Joel seems particularly annoyed by the situation he finds himself in. You would like to be able to testify to him that you too, that you didn’t ask for anything and surely not that he is a universal donor. 

‘’ Hi, I'm Maria. glad to know that you're doing better. ‘’ 

‘’ Tommy’s not here ? ‘’ Ask Joel. 

‘’ He’s with Benjamin.’’ She says. 

‘' Why I am here? ‘' You reiterate your question hoping to get an answer from him. Obviously this time you are not stuttering. 

Maria accompanies her words with a fine smile that you try to give back to her without much success. 

‘' Our spotters found you in front of the city gates. You were lying in the snow, in hypothermia. You wore very few clothes on yourself. ‘' 

You take time to digest the information and try to remember anything that could get you out of this ambient fog. 

‘' You carried nothing on you, no bag, no belongings, no weapons either. Do you remember anything that could explain your condition? ‘' 

‘’ I-I-I’m sorry, I can’t remember anything. I try but-‘' 

‘' What is the last thing you remember? ‘' 

‘' Well, I remember the cold, the snow, large metal doors and then a shock. As if I had received a blow or something.’' 

Maria nods while listening to your words, although you don’t bring much new. 

‘' Did you live alone outside or within a community, a group maybe? ‘' 

When Maria asks you this question, the memory of the alliance comes back to your mind, as well as the face of your husband. Other new images are added to create a memory pattern in your brain and right in front of your eyes. 

Your eyes get lost on your fingers and your mind starts to wander. Far enough away to forget where you are and the question that was asked of you. 

‘’ Focus. Right there. ‘’ La voix de Joel te fait redescendre de ta bulle. 

‘’ Wha-what ? ‘' 

‘’ She asked you a question. ‘' 

You avoid Joel’s face to refocus on Maria’s face, which although he is serious, is much more reassuring. 

‘' No, I wasn’t living alone.’’ You break your wedding band by taking a deep breath to avoid stuttering again. 

‘’ Any family ? Any friends or-?’' 

‘' I remember my husband, our wedding and the honeymoon, but I-‘' 

You hear Joel aspirating between his teeth then clearing his throat with force. 

But what is his problem exactly?

Is it supposed to intimidate me or something? 

‘' And was this marriage before the pandemic? ‘' 

‘' No not at all, and it wasn’t really an official wedding. It was more of a ceremony, like a rite of passage or-‘’

You feel frustration invading your skin and anger filling your eyes with tears. 

‘' I’m sorry, I’m really trying to remember but it’s not easy.’' 

‘' Did you escape or something ? ‘’ 

Tu es conscient que si Maria te pose autant de questions, c’est pour t’aider à te rappeler des choses, des faits, des fragments de souvenirs qui pourraient te permettre d’assembler le puzzle de ton arrivée ici, mais plus elle te questionne, plus tu te sens étouffé par toutes ses paroles. 

‘' I imagine... I don’t see why I would have left my- ‘' 

Tu n’as pas le temps de finir ta phrase, laisse Joel te couper et laisser partir toute l’irritation qu’il semblait contenir depuis. 

‘’ What's that thing around your wrist? ‘' 

You had already seen it before, but your eyes turn around when Joel asks his question. You approach your bracelet from your right eye by reflex first, as if you were trying to know the time or something, but without much success. Your right eye is lazy or probably too damaged for you to be able to open it further. 

‘’ Sorry..My-my eye. I can’t see well with my right eye. ‘' 

‘' I will see if there is ice for your eye. it will probably deflate all that. ‘’ Eileen answers you, and with a lively step, she hastens to leave the room, undoubtedly to get away from the heavy atmosphere that reigns there. 

‘' Deflate? But- did you hit me? ‘' 

These words are addressed more to Joel than to Maria, you only really become aware of it when your gaze turns towards him, always sitting in the same way on his chair.

His eyes become even darker, and on his face you read a rising anger. His veins are particularly visible, especially around his neck, and the first image that comes to you when looking at him is that of a volcano. 

Yes, a volcano. You feel that it is on the verge of exploding every time you open your mouth or when your voice fills the room. 

‘’ What’s that fuckin’ supposed to mean ?’’ Joel responds to you in a tone tinged with aggression. 

You don’t answer anything, but you just observe her in the corner before Maria comes back to rescue you as usual. 

‘' We found you like that. Traces of blows and injuries all over the body and a swollen eye, as if someone had hit you. ‘’Then, she continues.

‘' Did you faced violence by your husband or-‘’ Maria plans her question in the cockpit of the room, aware that it is not a subject one can freely discuss, especially with unknown people. ‘’anybody else ?’' 

Your eyes return to your ring, you turned it anxiously between your fingers, trying to concentrate so as not to cry. 

Yet you would like to be able to exteriorise yourself too. Not so much for the physical pain that comes back by waves flooding your body and your limbs, but more the frustration at the idea that your brain prevents you from accessing your memories. 

A bit as if an imaginary bouncer was preventing you from having access to the doors of your memory. You tried all the possible and unimaginable tactics, nothing seems to work. 

Eileen arrives at the same moment, a thick cloth stretched between her hands. She feels that she arrived at the wrong moment but still approaches you unexpectedly while handing you the homemade ice cream bag. 

‘' And there you go. This should do the trick.’' 

Then Eileen leaves, leaving you alone again with Maria and Joel. 

Maria who was until now in front of you, just in front of your bed, moves closer to your right side thus leaving your field of vision. 

You already know why she got closer. With your hand holding the ice bag and the other immobilized, it can have easier access to the bracelet you are wearing. 

‘’ Can I touch your wrist? ‘’Maria asks you. 

You nod your head to let him know yes and Maria gently places her fingers against your skin. Her fingers are warm, tender and slightly raspy but overall the sensation is pleasant. 

‘' It is written your name, your date of birth and-‘' 

‘’ What ? ‘’ Asks Joel who had remained silent until now. 

‘’ Some things that I can’t understand.’' 

‘' Cut the bracelet off.‘’ Said Joel in a direct tone. 

Before working on your wrist, Maria asks you if it suits you, and because you don’t seem to be able to say no, you resign yourself by nodding. 

‘’ Shit, I don’t have a-‘' 

‘’ Take mine.’' 

Joel shows his size on which rests a leather case. You immediately understand what it is about. With his free hand, Joel removes the hunting knife from its case to hold it over to Maria all this in front of your eyes. 

The knife is wide, thick and chiseled. The handle is made of tanned wood, a bit like the skin on Joel’s hand. 

‘’ Don’t move. I’ll be fast.’’ Inform Maria. 

You feel the plasticized texture of the bracelet stretching on your skin before suddenly relaxing as an elastic might do. The bracelet falls on the bed, and Maria retrieves it while she rests the large knife by your side on the bed. 

‘' It is written O+, 2 I I, 2 -. Does that remind you of something? ‘' 

‘’ Can I see it ? Please ? ‘’ You ask Maria. 

‘’ ‘f course, let me hold the ice bag then.’' 

Maria holds the ice pocket, when you remove your hand from it. With her free hand, she extends to you the bracelet that you grip between your fingers. You focus first on its appearance, then its texture. It resembles for every stroke any hospital bracelet on which were marked the information related to the hospitalized person, in the old world. 

The center is thicker and rectangular, while the contours of the bracelet are thinner and have holes at a constant distance. 

You smile imperceptibly because the idea of having recognized an object, belonging in addition to the old world, moves you. It’s always something to connect with, remember, it also means that you have not lost everything and that bits can come back to you. 

Then, and because you feel the questioning glances of Joel and Maria, you approach the bracelet near your left eye to see the inscriptions written in paws of fly. When the numbers come to rest on your pupils, you have again a memory that attacks you vividly from both sides of your brain. 

Your husband. 

The honeymoon. 

Violence. 

The community. 

Pregnant women in tears. 

The dead. 

The blood. 

Everything comes back to you like a boomerang. Fragments of images that you would have liked not to see again. Faces that you would like to be able to forget. Gestures, caresses, violence that you would like to be able to wash away. 

Your face writhes under the overflow of emotions, a pout of disgust and fear. Your brain is probably as damaged as your body at this very moment. 

You release the bracelet between your fingers and it falls softly on the covers. 

Maria says nothing, you cannot see her but you are certain that she looks at you with a particularly concerned eye.

From Joel, you only hear his annoyed breath and his growls of disapproval that end up becoming habitual in your ears every time you do something. 

So to avoid getting questions over and over again, you take a deep breath before letting your voice out of your mouth. 

‘' The O positive is for my blood group. The 2 followed by vertical lines means two pregnancies. And the 2 followed by a horizontal line means-‘’ You feel your lips trembling and your voice breaking slightly, so you try to catch your breath before continuing.‘' -two deaths.’' 

Without saying more, you try to swallow the big ball that has taken shape in your throat to the point of drying it out like a desert, and then you place your hand on the ice pack to signal to Maria that she can stop holding it. 

No one says a word anymore, not even Joel. He who has always made sounds, cleared his throat and other signs of impatience, since your awakening, remains strangely silent. 

On the other hand, you feel well his gaze on you. His face closed and hard. His eyes that come to probe yours. The mouth slightly pinched like a thin line. His fists even tightened against the armrests of the chair. 

Again, silence reigns in the room. Joel and Maria give each other sideways glances, before redirecting themselves towards your face still fixed on the covers. You don’t dare to lift your head. 

You are far too afraid that they might read in you the images that unfold in your brain on a loop, like an awful nightmare, a sleep paralysis that keeps starting over and over again without you being able to do anything about it. 

Eileen returns shortly after your 'revelations' to inspect the blood transfusion and see how Joel is doing. When she enters the room, she feels the accumulated tension, the worry mixed with anxiety and anger, but she says nothing. 

On the contrary, she rather acts as if nothing happened while heading towards Joel. 

‘' How do you feel? dizziness? nausea? Anything to tell me ?’' 

‘’ ‘m good. ‘' 

‘’ Eileen, can I talk to you a second ?’’ Maria asks. 

‘’ Of course, love. ‘' 

The two women are heading into the hallway, leaving you both with Joel. Silence is as always.

The ice pack has taken effect, you feel that your eye is less puffy. The ice cubes have almost all melted and the cloth is soaked. Several drops slide down your arm and some even landed on your dress and your blankets. 

You place the ice pack next to you, then you try to gently blink on your right eyelid. You still see little but at least you see what makes you sigh of relief. 

‘’ What is it? ‘’ asks you Joel in a sharp tone. 

‘’ Nothing. ‘’ you respond immediately. 

The door opens and the two women enter the room again. Eileen observes your eye and her mouth distorts into a slight smile. 

‘' I see that your eye is better? ‘' 

‘' Yes, thank you.’' 

Then it’s Maria’s turn to come back to you, this time she returns to her initial position, just in front of your bed. 

‘' How do you feel now? ‘' 

‘’ I don’t really know. I feel strange, kind of disoriented.’' 

‘' Yes, I imagine it well.’' 

Maria glances at Joel before resuming her sentence. 

‘' Do you know, roughly, how many people you lived with in your group? Maybe the name of this one eventually? ‘' 

‘' Mmh. I don’t really know, it’s hard to say.’' 

You hear Joel breathing next to you while murmuring a ‘'fucking useless” You turn around quickly to look at him, and answer him something but nothing comes to you, so you just look at him with a dark gaze, without much success. 

‘' Okay, maybe the name of the city or the name of your group? ‘' 

‘' I remember that it was related to religion, something like ''the children of’’' 

‘' Abraham's children ? ‘' 

When Maria pronounces her words, a glimmer comes to lodge in your eyes and acts as a trigger in your brain. The religious consonance gives you a taste of déjà vu on your memory language. You then look at Maria straight in the eyes while nodding. 

‘' Yes, I think that's right. ‘' 

‘’ You think or you’re sure ?! ‘’ Rushes to question Joel. 

You look at him, trying to mimic the intensity of his eyes but it’s barely if you manage to support his face in front of yours. So you point your eyes at his mouth so you don’t have to plunge your pupils into his. 

‘’ I’m sure. ‘' 

Then Joel and Maria exchange a look that you can’t translate, a look that seems full of subtext, a look that you have already seen in other circumstances and that brings back very bad memories. 

‘' Very well, thank you. Well, I’ll let you rest, see you tomorrow. See you tonight Joel. ‘' 

Maria begins to turn away to take the door and leave the room but you held her back. 

‘’ Wait !’'

Maria stops then looks at you. 

‘' What does that mean? Is it, is it... What’s the next step for me?’' 

‘' Tomorrow, the assembly will meet to discuss about you and-‘' 

‘’-and decide if you leave or not.’’ Rushing to finish Joel in an abrupt tone. 

Your mouth opens slightly, your eyes close, you grind your fingers as a sign of your new anxiety and then, in a final visual exchange, you observe Maria leaving the room as if lowering her eyes. 

Eileen approaches Joel and says to him ‘' A few more minutes and you can leave.’' 

‘' Thank God. ‘’ 

The truth is that you feel like since Maria and Eileen left, time seems long and particularly difficult to live with. 

Silence fills the room and you miss, with each new breath, choking in the meanders of it. 

Joel is fixed, straight and rigid. You honestly wonder how he manages not to faint by giving blood like that, but on the one hand you tell yourself that it’s not worse.

At least, he does not flood you with words or derogatory remarks. 

You try to hide your apprehension, your anguish, and your fear of being sent back outside the walls. You hadn’t had the time to imagine anything actually, but this hypothesis was far from being in your reflexive platform. 

What will happen to you if you leave the Jacksonville compound? It’s barely if you know how to manage by your own means, then, in the middle of winter. You don’t even dare to imagine. 

You anxiously dangle your wedding ring, then the plastic bracelet that is always against your covers. And then, it’s now your legs that start to tremble. 

You try to calm them but the more you focus on it, the more your knees shake under the duvet. 

‘' Stop that.’’ Grunts Joel. 

You give him no credit, not even a look, however your leg stops wriggling at the moment when his voice resonates in the room. But after a few seconds, it starts again more beautifully, like a muscle spasm over which you have no control. 

‘’ I said stop.’’ Repeat Joel in a more aggressive tone. 

No look, no gesture on your part, you are content to look straight ahead, eyes fixed on the wall in front of your bed.

You feel the gaze of Joel on you, as always. Eyes that could almost burn your skin, every time he looks at you, it’s as if you were transformed into a piece of butter thrown on a pan. As if your skin could wiggle and then melt at his visual contact. 

You hate this feeling. Not to mention that your legs stop for a few moments to start again better afterwards. Why does your body react like this to his orders? 

So, and when your legs get back to their tap dance routine, you see Joel fidgeting in his chair, in the blind spot of your eyes.

‘' I told you to fuckin’ stop. ''

Without warning, his body detaches from the chair and his free hand falls powerfully on your knee. You feel his palm gently squeezing your leg, and his fingers encircle your kneecap by adding pressure to it. 

His gesture makes you jump by letting out a cry but, and by some sort of survival instinct, you grab the hunting knife left by Maria and direct the blade towards Joel’s face. 

‘’ Don’t fuckin’ touch me! ‘’ You say, almost shouting. 

Joel doesn’t move, his hand is always pressed against your knee and he presses it between his fingers. His hand is so warm, that in addition to feeling the pressure of his hand, you also feel its heat spreading between the layers that separates his skin from yours. 

Your whole body starts to shiver, which Joel does not fail to emphasize by slightly raising his eyebrows. You try to hold the weapon firmly between your fingers, although it is trembling at the level of his neck. A neck just as thick and veiny as his forearms or hands. 

You imagine that he is going to shout at you, or grasp the weapon with a sharp and violent hand, but he does none of those things. On the contrary, he is even very calm, which destabilizes you even more and his posture remains the same. 

‘’ Go ahead, c’mon, do it.’' 

Almost fell if he doesn’t come to press his bare skin against the knife blade so that you hurt him. Your eyes don’t leave each other anymore, it gauges your gaze, taking the opportunity to inspect the smallest corners of your skin, of your face. 

‘’ Atta girl, kill me if you can.‘' 

The tear trembles so much under your fingers that it comes intermittently to brush against Joel’s skin. 

His free hand is always against your knee, the heat spreads more and more, so that your entire body shivers. To the point where even your crotch seems to shiver too.

What’s goddamn wrong with me? 

And then, in a last exchange of eyes too difficult to support, you end up releasing the pressure. In yet another pressure exerted against your leg, Joel withdraws his hand from your knee and takes the opportunity to grasp the weapon with your trembling hands. 

The vivacity of your gesture surprises you, to the point where your mouth emits a burst of fear that you regret immediately. 

His thick and warm fingers grab yours and when they come into contact with each other, you drop the gun right away without thinking any longer.

Joel’s eyes are focused on yours, it’s probably the last time you will see his face so close to you so you try to maintain contact as long as possible, to stop crushing yourself every time he lays his eyes on you. 

‘' Not even able to hold a stupid weapon between your fucking fingers.’’ Whistles Joel between his lips. 

He puts his knife in its case, then moves away from you, the back again pressed against the bib of his chair. 

You try to put your hands under the duvet to hide your tremors, but nothing helps, because it’s the entirety of your body that is trembling now. 

Joel looks at you, the cold face, the masculine posture, legs spread and forearms still as well groomed. Everything transpires dominance and rudeness in him. 

‘' Can’t wait to see you survive outside the walls.’’ He said with insolence. 

You don’t look at him, you feel like retorting, saying something, anything, but you already know in advance that it’s a lost cause.  So you shut up and look straight ahead trying to use your hair as a firewall for Joel. 

You hate that guy. 

You wish you could punch him in the face. 

You almost regret not having hurt her with that fucking hunting knife. 

But what to tell you all that after the fact, you don’t like violence, you’ve never liked it, it’s a fact. 

And that’s probably what annoys you the most, because it didn’t take long for Joel to understand him too. 

A few minutes later, Eileen resurfaces in the room. She greets you with a smile as she walks back to Joel. 

‘' All right, I release you Joel, thanking you for your patience.’' 

With a swift and precise gesture, Eileen removes the infusion from him by pressing a cotton gauze on his forearm, some blood beads a little on the compress. 

‘' Here, eat.’’ Said Eileen while handing him a piece of dried meat. 

‘' 's fine. I don't need it.’' 

‘’ Please Joel, take this. ‘' 

Joel grumbles by taking the stick of dried meat that he holds firmly between his fingers, before gently standing up and putting himself at the back of the room. 

It’s now around Eileen to work on your sides. She tilts the tube in the air so that the last fluids spread through your veins, then gently withdraws the needle from your arm before pressing the hollow of it with a bandage. 

The tube falls softly on the ground. Your eyes are lost on it, just like Joel who is also looking at the ground. 

‘’ Here we go.‘’ Said Eileen by placing a piece of adhesive tape on the compress in the hollow of your arm.‘’You’re free too.’' 

In his words, you cast a glance at Joel, who does the same to him. His eyes are focused on yours, black as ever. A look made even more vivid by the thick black eyebrows too, which crown her eyelids. 

Eileen retrieves the still-spotted tube of Joel’s blood, then gets ready to leave the room again. 

‘' Try to rest now.’’ Eileen said. ‘’ You too Miller.’’ Then she leaves the room as quickly as she arrived. 

Joel, he stays in the room, his back leaning against the wall to slowly chew his dried meat.

His presence has become unbearable for you, you want him to leave you alone, to leave, to do everything he wants but outside this room that he makes so stifling. 

‘’Leave me alone...Please.‘’ You end up telling him while trying not to look at him. 

‘'Don’t tell me what to do.’’ Does he respond just as quickly.

Your skin is shivering, your face is turning red and you are trying to keep your eyes fixed on the blanket. 

Finally, after a few minutes, he heads towards the door with a heavy and frank step. You hear his boots resonate against the ground and you breathe a sigh of relief knowing that he is finally leaving. 

You no longer hear his steps, nor the noise of his thick boots, so you lift your head to make sure he is finally gone. But when you lift your head up, you see him who is always in front of the doorway of your door, eyes fixed on you and with an impassive face. 

‘' I'm the one giving orders here.’’ He said in a dry voice. 

‘’ I fuckin’ hate you.’'

The words come out of your mouth without you realizing them, by the way it’s more of a whisper than a real sentence. It comes to life so quickly fades into the air of the room, even if you are sure that Joel must have heard it. 

‘’ I'll give you reasons to hate me more.’’ Then Joel leaves, casually, as if he hadn’t just dropped a syntax bomb in your face.

You tremble with anger and fury when he lets out a last look at you through the window of your room’s hallway. 

What a strange and foul feeling to feel so much animosity for someone with whom, from now on, you share your blood.