Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Bread watched the asshole of a witch absolutely disintegrate him on the screen of his laptop and slowly accepted his fate "How would you feel if I died right now, Banana?"

Truthful as always, "I'd cum. I'm a necrophiliac" his friend admitted as the last words before Bread's fit.

"Fuuuuck YOU, you toad-eating, alcohol addict son of a cunt" Bread yelled out among many, as Banana filled in the not-quite silence with his disgustingly sweet laugh.

A bit after Bread respawned and watched an arrow fly directly by his head before taking two hearts and nearly fucking losing it, he took his eyes away from the screen and forced his lips into a very clearly feigned smile as he looked at Banana with mild anger—if that's another word for rage in it's purest form dripping into his bloodstream. 

All that to say, it was very short-lived. Bread burst out in giggles quickly. "Well?" He prompted "I'm waiting, c'mon" he spread his lips comically sensually and let out a lewd moan.

Banana gasped, his head snapping up to Bread with faux accusation weaved in his features "You sound like a middle-aged white woman that turned to the hippie lifestyle after her partner left her" He commented

"What" Bread coughed up a laugh, "Imagine the Minecraft witches were those new-age, mid-life crises people"

Banana laughed probably a little too-loudly for someone who, at some point in his life, lived in a dorm room. Bread wished he cared for a brief second, before he joined, because a laugh like that is far past contagious. Apocalyptic, if anything.

"Please" Banana's voice barely came out between his laughs "She comes up in blonde dreads and throws yoga mats at you"

"Fuckin'-- The SFX are just foreign words in the worst American accent imaginable" Bread laughs like he isn't an American white guy with nothing more than high-school Spanish at his language disposal.

"You're trying to shove her in lava and--" Banana hiccups on his sentence, a stupid grin adoring the sharp of his face "She traps you in, like, slowness six, to give you a palm reading"

Bread laughs so hard he feels his fist hit his chest as a response. "Cluthing my pearl--" He tries, but cuts himself off before he can finish his joke;

Banana grabs the free hand Bread was resting on the table, efficiently cutting off most of Bread's thought processes, leaving him still laughing, but now a little more confused. And if the room got a little hotter, it's the semi-broken AC that's at fault.

Banana's expression stiffens as he places Bread's hand firmly in his, palm-side up, cracking up a little before his joke "Right, honey," he begins in the most pretentious voice Bread's heard from him probably ever "I see your lifeline right here..." He continues, his calloused thumbs soft on Bread's skin, and Bread laughs loudly.

"You've achieved—not a lot in life, I see. Don't see a change in the future regarding that department" Banana goes on, his voice infliction cracking more with each small giggle that escapes.

Bread stills himself to comment; "What pot effect is that?"

Banana's high-pitched small wheeze replaced his earlier chunky laughs, and with that change, Bread's eyes quickly travel down to where their hands connect; Banana's was now gripping Bread's own tighly as he laughed. "Blindness, because I can't see a future for you"

Bread makes himself not think about it, and laughs along.

"Mmm... Of course, your.... Uh, your headline—or whatever the fuck..." Banana continued, probably making shit up on the spot, but then again, Bread's palm reading knowledge didn't exceed that of a... Well, probably most people he met in his life. Either way, whether he was improving or speaking factually was beyond Bread, and to say he cared to find out would be far of an overstatement. He laughed at both of their incompetence.

"Yeah? What about it?" He prompted briefly.

"Yes, I'm seeing lots of riches being thrown your way..." Banana cut himself off, shittly acting out equally shitty magic. It made a smile break out from Bread's lips against his will, and he allowed his eyes to wander to Banana's face for maybe a bit longer than a second, because his eyes were closed, and—well, what Banana didn't know couldn't hurt him. 

"Oh, no, I'm just imagining a strip club, my bad" Banana quite forcefully brought him back to the conversation.

Bread tried bringing his currently occupied hand to his face, assuming Banana must've finished his bit with that line, but was quickly met with some not-quite weak resistance "Fuck you" He sighed instead, choosing to hide his steadily warming face with his free hand instead.

"Oh, no, no fucking in your future, from what I can tell..." Banana let out in passing, clearly not undermining the hilarity of his own comment as he completely didn't laugh under his feigned seriousness.

Noticing the strong grip Banana still had on his right hand, Bread used his left to chuck one of Banana's few small, decorative pillows in the vauge direction of his nose.

"You're an asshole" Bread affirmed, in case Banana didn't quite catch what he was trying to throw across (Get it? 'Cause throw—like the pillow he..? Yeah okay, Bread probably shouldn't say that out loud...)

"Well, actually, your uh—erm, fuck" Banana made poor attempts at getting whatever his point was across "...Heart? Yeah, your hearthline is telling me––"

And Bread didn't even point out how terribly he said 'heartline'; "I'm gonna make you deepthroat a tarot card" he settled for, instead.

And it didn't take long before Banana was laughing in the voice that was equal parts sweet and annoyed and annoying and sweet—...

The small of his voice quickly grew to hyperventilating laughter, and the grasp on Bread's hand grew tighter, one on Banana's hands travelling down to Bread's wrist, his cut short nails grazing him slightly on their way before essentially locking Bread's hand in it's place, rendering Bread mentally and physically fucking useless for the better part of five seconds, by which point Banana had already started moving his hand up to his face and Bread was even more baffled "The fuck are you...?"

"Yes, yes, your pulse is telling me--" Oh, Banana was still—? At some point, Bread just assumed Banana wanted to hold hands, but— oh well, it's not like Bread's going to complain.

"You're a shit magician" Bread decided on instead, pointing his free hand at Banana.

"I'm an amazing magician, you're just shit at being magic-ed" What? Banana made such convincing eye contact Bread almost felt enticed to belive him.

"Now what the fuck does that mean" Bread spoke geniuenly, because, truly, what the fuck does that mean.

Banana's expression fell into a deadpan just about as quickly as it changed right back. "I'm calling you a pussy" Bread broke down laughing.

"You go to a—" he gasped for air "A doctor and they tell you some shit, like" Bread clutched his stomach in pain under the table "'I'm not a shit surgeon, you're a shit surgee as they cut your kidneys open" He laughed, silently noting the way Banana's grasp on his wrist tightened just enough to notice with each breath he struggled to take from laughter. He accepted it as fact and hoped if he can pretend it doesn't make him feel the way it does, Banana won't be able to see.

"Fuck" Banana threw his head back and concluded with a sigh, and Bread felt light-headed. 

From laughing, of course.

"I think I died, like, eight times, I'm not even joking" Bread got his mind back on track, taking a quick look around his Minecraft surroundings, with an uncomfortable angle on his mouth, having to reach his left hand over the keyboard to move and remind them both what they were in the middle of doing, however long ago.

Banana chuckled "Really? I was not paying attention" He remarked, letting go of Bread's wrist in favour of accessing his keyboard, holding now far less tightly on his palm, using the rough of his callouses to play with Bread's jewellery in a way that shouldn't make him breathless. "Shit, one, two, three... Twelve? What the fuck"

Bread laughed. Twelve deaths in what will later be titled a speedrun, even with however pathetic of an attempt they have, is pretty impressive.

"Where are you?" Banana asked "How do you even achieve that?"

"I don't even know; I don't think I had a bed set, so I'm just somewhere near spawn" He explained lightheartedly

Banana hummed "Where near spawn, though? We had that whole setup thing there, right?"

"Oh, yeah, I could go there" Bread mused, looking blankly at his screen and trying to remember what direction it was.

"Well?" Banana prompted, and Bread's eyebrows knotted in confusion "Go, check if we left anything there"

Bread looked up from his screen, and felt the fingers on his skin freeze as Banana seemingly reached a conclusion.

Immediately, Banana nearly threw Bread's hand away from his own and if Bread lost his shit at his friend's terrified face, well, it's his right. "You didn't know?"

Banana's incoherent answer came through a little too quickly for somebody who was trying to allege they were faultless, so "Shut up" Is what he seemingly settled to. Bread laughed his ass off.

"I thought—" Bread hiccuped for air "I thought you were doing that on purpuse, 'cause of how you weren't letting me go and--"

Before Bread could finish, Banana made an attempt on his life, apparently, chocking on air like a really shit stripper. Bread felt an actual tear run down his cheek from how hard he was laughing, and he almost lost the small "Fuck you" Banana threw his way.

"No, don't be sorry" He calmed down enough to sound hopefully semi-reassuing "I thought it was sweet" He laughed "Just--" He struggled and felt the pain of his laughing fit hit his stomach for the second time around. 

"Shut up"

Chapter Text

"How would you react if I died right now, Banana?" 

"I'd cum. I'm a necrophiliac" Banana expressed warmly, watching Bread scream before 'breadtastic was killed by Witch using magic' appeared in chat mockingly. 

A considerable amount of curse words were thrown in the general direction of Bread's screen, and Banana let himself sneak a look at his friend's soft in features but tense with anger face, before Bread took his hands off of his mouse and keyboard in a—poorly disguised as nonchalance—rage, and made uncomfortably prolonged eye contact with Banana, who had still yet to stop laughing his ass off.

And it wasn't long before Banana saw the slight sweet twitch in Bread's lip and he cracked. He joined along; "Well, I'm waiting, c'mon" he laughed, opening his mouth theatrically and moaning like a shein-quality pornstar. 

"You sound like a middle-aged white woman that turned to the hippie lifestyle after her partner left her"

"What" Bread almost doubled over above his laptop "Imagine the Minecraft witches were like those new-age, mid-life crises people"

Banana felt his eyes water with hysteria, barely blocking himself in a box before a hoglin. He wasn't really thinking about their speedrun for now.

"Please" He hoarsed out around giggles "She comes up in blonde dreads and throws yoga mats at you"

Bread's hand made loud contact with the table as he threw his head forward, chuckling in a way that made his entire body shake with the sound mesmerisingly—Uh, in a friend way, though–? "The SFX are just foreign words in the worst American accent imaginable?"

"You're trying to shove her in lava and she traps you in, like, slowness six, to give you a palm reading" Banana distracts himself from whatever the fuck his earlier thought process was, and covers his face with his hands, watching Bread's own hand move on his chest as he cackles uncontrollably. Before he can think it through... Banana promptly reaches over the table. He coaches his face into the calmest expression he can manage, and grabs Bread's hand determinetly, fixing his eyes on Bread's hand, palm-side up in his own.

Banana laughs, because this is funny and not nerve-wracking and so he has no fucking idea why his pulse has noticibly sped up.

He clears his throat, sticking to the fucking bit? "Right, honey, I see your lifeline right here..." He mumbles matter-of-factly, tracing his finger on the soft indents in Bread's skin "Oh—" he adds comically.

Bread finally laughs again, but the bones Banana is supporting with his left hand feel tense. Banana doesn't think about it. He doesn't.

"You've achieved— not a lot in life, I see" he continues "Don't see a change in the future regarding that department" He 'mumbles', loud on purpuse to make sure Bread could hear him over his giggles. Probably due to Banana's own feigned seriousness, Bread's laugh quieted down a little, but never dying completely.

"What pot effect from that?"

Banana laughs at the stupidity of his idea before he even says it "Blindness, because I can't see a future for you" He hiccups on air from giggles.

Only a little too late does he realise he's now squeezing the hand he was supporting and sucks in a breath. Well, why does it matter, anyway? Friends do that; it's fine. — He concludes, before going back to the bit, and allowing his thumb to venture over more lines, tracing shapes he pretended mattered.

"Mmm.... Of course, your... Uh, your headline or whatever the fuck" Banana swore that sounded right. There were, like, three lines, right? The lifeline, and two others... Yeah— yeah, sure...

Bread stilled in silence for a few seconds, but hearing Banana's wikiHow grade palm reading skills cracked him up quickly "Yeah? What about it?" And if not for the fact that Bread was actively making fun of him, the way Bread's tongue curled lowly around those words sounded almost pretty... cute, or, like.... Whatever...

"Yes, I'm seeing lots of riches being thrown your way..." Banana closed his eyes, caressing tracing Bread's skin "Oh, no, I'm just imagining a strip club, my bad" He laughed

Bread let his forehead fall into his empty hand in silent laughter "Fuck you"

"Oh, no, no fucking in your future, from what I can tell..." Banana murmured in a faux-concentrated voice, seemingly pissing Bread off, for whatever reason. 

Banana chuckled at his own hilarity as a throw pillow made quite violent contact with his nose.

"You're an asshole" Bread laughed out loud, his entire body vibrating with the sound, from the curls of his lips, down to the tips of his fingers. Banana held on a little tighter.

"Well, actually, your li— head— fuck, your heart? Yeah, your heartline is telling me––"

"I'm gonna make you deepthroat a tarot card," Bread said with little conviction, and Banana's already shallow from small giggles and I'm-totally-serious-about-this-I-don't-know-why-you-aren't cackles gave up on him even more, leaving him gasping for air for two seconds longer than sounded healthy before quickly taking strong hold of Bread's wrist and bringing Bread's hand closer to his ear. "'Fuck 're you..?"

"Yes, yes, your pulse is telling me--" Banana uttered through muffled chuckles, not even finishing his joke before Bread burst out.

"You're a shit magician" Bread accused loudly, pointing his free hand at Banana.

"I'm an amazing magician, you're just shit at being magic-ed" Banana stated as geniuenly as he could muster himself to, holding Bread's hand with both of his own and making eye contact like the other was on his deathbed and Banana was asking for his name in the will.

"Now, what the fuck does that mean" Bread returned his not-quite-pitying stare with the light of his brown eyes.

Banana fixed the smile that was fighting to break out on his lips and looked at Bread in a deadpan "I'm calling you a pussy"

Bread looked ready to retort for maybe point five seconds before he broke down in giggles over his keyboard. Banana smiled.

"You go to a—" Bread gasped for air "A doctor and they tell you some shit like 'I'm not a shit surgeon, you're a shit surgee' as they cut your kidneys open" The both of them struggled for breaths, smiling like stupid around the sound of one another's hysteria.

"Fuck" Banana concluded once an interrupted, full breath of air entered him for the first time in a while.

"I think I died like eight times, I'm not even joking" Bread huffed out, giving a passing look to one of their two forgotten screens.

Banana chuckled "Really? I was not paying attention" He confessed using one hand to open up the in-game chat, and the other to play with the silver spinning band on Bread's hand. "Shit, one, two, three... Twelve? What the fuck" He whisper-screamed "Where are you? How do you even achieve that?"

Bread's laugh rang through the room "I don't even know; I don't think I had a bed set, so I'm just somewhere near spawn"

"Where near spawn, though? We had that whole setup thing there, right?"

"Oh, yeah, I could go there"

"...Well? Go, check if we left anything there"

"..."

Bread looked back up from his screen to meet his lopsided grin and the questioning look in his eye with Banana. He watched Bread look down slowl-- oh fuck.

Banana let go of the skin and the small of silver he‐‐ Fuck, the small of silver he had been—absentmindedly, mind you—playing with like it was hot coal, physically jumping back in his seat to the point he collided with the couch that was previously at least four inches from him.

Shit, shit, fuck, shit, fuck... Oops?

As if he hadn't done that enough today, Bread started another laughing fit, throwing his head back.

And it wasn't embarrassing for Banana, because Banana didn't let his eyes wander to where Bread's Adam's apple wa-- It wasn't. 

"You didn't know?" Bread burst out.

"No, I-- Wha--..Well, you--" Banana tried, "Shut up" And gave up.

Bread gasped for air in a way that just looked painful, at this point "I thought you were doing that on purpuse, 'cause of how you weren't letting me let go and--"

Banana chocked on air for no particular reason other than his stupid fucking actions.

Twelve? Make that thirteen times Bread died, by the sound of it. 

"Fuck you" Banana accused

"No, don't be sorry, I thought it was sweet," And he hated Bread even more now, because how do you get 'I'm sorry' from 'fuck you' and be correct? "Just--" Bread clutched his stomach.

"Shut up"

And if later, when they went out for food, and he felt Bread's hand awkwardly approach his; he just allowed it. And didn't say anything about the way his friend's face lit up and grew a beautifully ugly shade of red, because unlike some people, he isn't an asshole.