Archive of Our Own ^beta

Pickles and Charles are on a walk. It’s winter and it’s cold and dark but they’ve been stuck in the house for too many days and they need the fresh air.

Charles appreciates Pickles’ willingness to brave the snow for him. It was fun when they first got here, then it was a pain in the ass, now it’s just tradition. Which begs the question, “Pickles, when was the last time we saw Dethklok?”
“Dude, I’m right here.”
Charles gives him a look.
Pickles gives up and starts thinking back. “UR … Pft, 2 christmases ago?”
“2?”
“Yeah. Remember the last one, we got drunk and I ended up in hospital.”
“Oh yeah,” he smiles.
“And the one before that we went on vacation.”
Charles remembers now. The year before was when they went over and started a big argument about size and then got everyone’s mothers to go away because Pickle’s mom doesn’t want to see him until he apologises. Which he isn’t going to.

Pickles smiles at him. “What’s got ya thinkin’ about the band?”
Charles frowns. “When was the last time you saw someone die?”
Pickles thought back. “Ur .. oh! That bakery.”
“Last year?”
“That was a year ago?”
“Yeah, it was when we did that big hike.”
“Oh yeah.” Pickles smiles.

Charles starts looking around. “I think we need to test it. Something has gone horribly wrong if the curse is broken.”

The day after, Pickles and Charles stand in a window each. Charles pulls up his walkie talkie from upstairs and addresses Pickles. “Breaker, target in sight. Do you copy?”
“Loud and clear. Window cleaner is in sight.”

The little van pulls up and sees the two men ominously standing in the window. Disturbed, but with no reason to stop, he continues to get his ladders from the roof.

“Target surpass stage 1. Any hazards in sight?”
Pickles makes the ‘ksh’ noise himself. “Nothing yet. So far safe and sound.”

The window cleaner sets his ladder up and starts spraying the window. Both Pickles and Charles watch him like a hawk. Neither dare interact with him. This experiment requires them to simply observe.

The cleaner makes his way to the top floor and does his job no problem.

“Pickles, report.”
“I got nothing. Ladder is sturdy. Windows are clean. No external factors at play.”
Charles frowns. Something is not right. “Pickles, contact the band. Any means necessary.”

Pickles pulls up his phone and sends a meme.

Charles watches the window man with a scary expression on his face. The window man is trying to ignore the death stare.

Pickles got his response. “Skwiss texted back with ‘lol’.”
Charles frowned. “So you’re still in good favour with the band.” He leans on the window. “Why’s this guy not dead yet?”

The man finishes the job and slides to safety, packing his equipment away and then driving away like nothing happened.

Pickles meets Charles at the window. He doesn’t look fine. “Charles?”
“We need to go to Mordhaus.”

*

2 flights and a taxi later, Charles barges through the Mordhaus doors and storms them to the lounge. It's their main living space. Pickles followed in tow. This is bringing back some memories. Nothing has changed.

Charles aggressively slides into the living room to find Skwiss and Nathan doing nothing. They’ve changed outfits, and Nathan has a single grey lock of hair, but nothing out of the ordinary.
“Charles?” Nathan says, noticing his entry.
Pickles pokes his head into the room. “I’m here too, by the way, just in case…”
Charles frowns. “When was the last time you saw a Klokateer die?”

Skwiss and Nathan look away while they think, collectively going “Uurrmmm…”

Skwiss plucks a string. “Oh, dis morning. Murderface slips and pushes him outs the window.”
Charles relaxes. “Oh .. thank god. You guys had me worried there.”

Pickles looks around the room. “Yo, where’s Toki?”

Just as he said it, a 3 year old girl toddles into the room followed closely by Toki, wearing much brighter clothing and heavier boots.

Pickles actively runs away from the child. “Who the hell is that?”
Toki picks the kid up and throws her over his shoulders. “This ams mine. Goods to see you, Pickle.”

Charles and Pickles look like they’ve seen a ghost.

“Nathan, catch.” Toki throws the kid to Nathan who does actually catch her, until she kicks and he puts her on the floor. The kid runs straight to Skwiss who jumps out his seat like a scared cat and walks backwards toward Toki. “Keeps that thing on a leash, woulds you. I doesn't know where it's fingers has been.”

Pickles broke. “You had a kid? Since when?”
Toki took the child from Skwisgaar. “Oh, I gots married.”
Charles hurt on the inside. “What?”
Toki starts speaking Norwegian.
Skwiss nudges him.
“Oops. I was trying to says I gots to go home and helps mom sell the land. Thens I meet this girl.”
Murderface’s voice interrupts them. “It's Runke’s sister by the way.”

Pickles and Charles follow the voice and find a much more flamboyant version of Murderface in the doorway. Ascot, colourful fingernails, short shirt showing off his belly and a single earring on the left side.
“What the fuck happened to YOU?”
Murderface angled his hips. “I figured out that I’m gay.”
Pickles laughed. “How long’d it take ya?”
“Like 30 years, but I’m here. Loud and I’m proud.”

Toki, Skwiss and Nathan all collectively roll their eyes.

Charles looks personally offended. “Pickles, if I find a single rainbow in our house-”
“Don’t worry, I was about to say the same thing to you.”

Nathan frowns at Pickles. “Where the hell have you been by the way? When you said you didn’t want to be found, you meant it.”
Pickles smirked. “We been doing a lot of stuff, actually. The green house is looking fantastic this year.”
Charles jumps in. “Oh, and we took up a couple of classes. Glass making was worth the money.”
Pickles flaps. “We have the best vacation buddies, honestly, I can’t wait for you to never meet them. You’d hate them.”

Skwiss and Nathan look confused. “Dude, that's gayer than Murderface.”
“I- find that highly offensive,” Murderface says to the group.
Pickles frowns. “Well what the fuck else are a pair of childless men gonna do with their time?”
Toki holds the toddler under his arm while she kicks and laughs. “You could haves kids.”

Both Pickles and Charles start laughing.

The rest of the band are mortified to see Charles laugh. Except for Toki who looks mildly annoyed.

Neither Pickles or Charles can seem to keep it under control.

Toki stops the party by handing Charles the giggly toddle. The laughter suddenly turns to screaming. Charles holds it as far away from his body as his arms will allow. “Oh, she’s heavier than I thought she was going to be.”
Pickles hid behind Charles. “Take it back!”

Toki took his kid back but she ended up on the floor and running off again.

Charles watched them go. “Make sure she doesn’t go downstairs.”
“I knows whats ams safe, Charles,” Toki reminds him.
It feels awful that Toki has grown up so much. Charles wasn’t ready to see it happen. Then he remembers something. “Does his wife know he’s …”
“Into weird shit? Yeah. She’s Runke’s sister,” Murderface adds. “They grew up together.”

Skwiss looks at the faces in the room. “How longs you stays for?”
Suddenly they remember why they’re here. “Oh! Yeah, we think something’s fuckin with the curse,” Pickles says to everyone who’s left.
Charles pulls out his pendant. “Without the prophecy, we can’t know what the future holds for Dethklok or the world.”

Nathan scoffs. “We’ve been doing the same stuff we’ve always done. Except Toki’s married, Murderface published Planet Piss and we got older.”
Charles stepped forward. “You finished Planet Piss? By yourself?”
“No, Knubbler helped.”

“KNUBBLER’S ALIVE?” both of them yell.
Skwiss and Nathan jump in. “No,” “Don’t get hims started-”
Murderface lights up. “Funny you should ask. So it started after I tried to get back in with the groupies and I was having some trouble, so I did some soul searching and decided to go back to the training facility where Dick got shot by missiles-”

Nathan and Skwiss look unabarebly bored, even hitting their heads on stuff.

“-But the local area claimed to be dealing with a cryptid said to have glowing green eyes and lurks around the town under cover of darkness. Well, I just knew-”
“Hey Murderface. Who?” Skwiss says, unconcerned.
Murderface frowns. “Me and Dick-”
“No, who asked?”
Nathan highfives a very proud Skwisgaar

“Maybe, Pickles and Charles would like to know about Dick’s recovery and memory retrieval?”
Charles took Pickles’ hand without looking. “Did you say memory retrieval?”
“Yeah. Some wires got crossed when he got hit and he couldn’t remember anything. How crazy is that?”
Charles keeps his face neutral. “You mind if I talk to Dick?”
Pickles knows that face. He’s hiding something.
“Sure, he’ll be around here somewhere.” Murderface leads the way.

Charles gives Pickles a serious look. “Don’t follow me.”
Pickles wants to argue with him, but whatever he needs to sort out, he trusts him to do it without hurting anyone. They moved to get away from this. The last thing he needs is Charles falling into bad habits.

Charles was surprised when he reached up to kiss him on the cheek. “Don’t do anything stupid.”
Charles smiled. “Just clearing the air.”
Pickles didn’t let go of his hand. “I mean it.”
Charles kissed his back. “I promise.”
Pickles slowly let go.

Charles followed Murderface, leaving Pickles with the other 2.

“You look naked without him stood right next to you.” Nathan points out.
“I feel naked without him stood right next to me.”
Skwiss looks stressed. “You .. wants to practise .. ya know, since ya ams here and-”
“Oh fuck yeah.”

Less than an hour later, Pickles was back in his happy place behind a drum kit, behind Nathan and Skwiss while they went over their favourite songs.

“Fuck, I’ve missed this!” Pickles yells.
Skwiss is taking it up to 11, throwing himself around, and worrying Nathan and Pickles just a little bit.

The song ends and Skwiss looks out of breath. “I needed that.”
Pickles raises an eyebrow. “You guys not been practising without me?”
Nathan and Skwiss give each other a look.
Pickles stands up. “What?”

Nathan holds the back of his neck. “So .. ur, since you left, and then Murderface got happy, and Toki has his family now, we’ve ..” Nathan trails off.
“Wes hasn’t recorded a thing. The label focusing on Planet Piss. We gots no gigs booked, no hard core parties. We ams going outs of fashion.”

Pickles looked between them. “What? No, Dethklok’s not allowed to die. It’s Dethklok. We’re the biggest economic force Earth has ever seen.”
“Pft. You sounds like Charles.”
Nathan puts his hand on Pickles’ shoulder. “It’s .. ending.”
Pickles just worked out why the curse is fading.

Elsewhere in Mordhaus, Charles is walked to the recording studio. This room has changed. It's not mediaeval anymore. The walls have been covered with banners and modern slogans written as neon lights. If Charles didn’t know any better, he’d say it was starting to resemble a strip club.

“Hey.. Willy,” a familiar voice calls out. The man is wearing denim shorts that resemble briefs more than shorts. He’s got a big baggy belt hanging off his hips. He’s wearing a shirt that says ‘switch’ mirrored on it, and even that is only covering his nipples.

Charles winced as Knubbler threw himself into the arms of the other man who picked him up bridal style. Even their kiss was more tongue on display than in their mouths. Charles looked away but he could still hear it.

Knubbler was dropped. “Oh hey, look who it is. Guess you’re not the only one who died, huh.”
Charles corrected him. “Actually, you didn’t die, you were presumed dead. Not the same thing.”
Murderface leans on Knubbler. “Oh lighten up you robot. Didn’t they just flick the off switch or something?”
Knubbler sniggers. “You needed rebooting?”
“New batteries maybe?”

Charles doesn’t look impressed. “Dick, can I talk to you, one to one?”

Murderface looks between them, but Knubbler says it. “Babe, can we meet you outside?”
Murderface stops looking so casual. “Ur, sure. Yeah.”

Knubbler and Charles wait in silence as Murderface awkwardly walks himself out of the room.

“Is it clear?” Charles asks, watching the door, not Knubbler.
Knubbler zooms in. “Yeah, we’re alone.”
Charles looks away. “So, sorry about that.”
Knubbler pushes him, his eyes red. “You set me up, you bastard!”
Charles saw this coming. “Not .. exactly.”
Dick poked him in the chest. “You knew we were gonna get attacked, and you put me on the front lines!”

Charles rolls his eyes. “Okay, I’m sorry I put you in harm's way. But, the good news is that the prophecy-”
“Fuck the prophecy. Do you have any idea what Will’s been going through since he thought he got me killed?”
“Consider what would have happened if not, Dick. This was technically the best possible outcome.”

Dick held his own head. “Can you at least try to be sad that you put us both through so much?”
Charles blinked at him. “Can you ask for something plausible like a dragon or something?”

Dick took a deep breath. “I’m still super pissed at you, but I’m gonna let it go for William’s sake.”
Charles looked at the floor. “He seems happier.”
Dick smiled. “He’s doing great. We even got Planet Piss to a number 1 record sale.”
Charles frowned. “What about Dethklok?”
“What about ‘em. They’ve not written anything new for years.”

Charles’ world starts crumbling. “That’s it. The curse has moved.”
“What curse?”
“Dick, when was the last time someone got severely injured or died in your presence?”
“Ur … Lemme think. Oh! Yesterday. I went downstairs to pick up a little bag of party powder and some Klokateer got blended up in an industrial sized fan.”
Charles opened his eyes too wide. “Were any Dethklok members with you?”
“No, just me.”

Charles runs away. “Thank you, Dick. Good luck.”

Pickles runs toward the recording studio.

Charles runs toward the practice hall.

They both run into each other in the middle of a corridor.
“Charles, the curse moved!”
“I just found out. This changes everything.”
“I know. No more freak accidents.”
“No, Pickles, it means you’re all mortal again.”
Pickles blinked. “Huh?”

Band meeting.

The group sit in their places around the meeting table, just like old times. Even Knubbler is here.

“Hey, remember when this room was designed so we couldn’t kick each other under the table?” Pickles asked.
“Pickles, can we stop reminiscing for 5 minutes. I actually need you all to pay attention to this.”

Skwiss continues to fiddle with his guitar. “What, you going to tell us about our tax returns again?”
Charles frowned. “No, I’m going to tell you that your god status just dropped.”

“WHAT?” the whole room yelled.
“That ams not possible. I still has guitar. I can still plays,” Skwiss argues.
“And we still saved the world, right? Like, we can still play shows,” Nathan points out.

Charles pulls up a diagram. “Over the years, the number of casualties has correlated with your fame. This has also kept you all safe from such accidents.”
Murderface raises his hand. “Well that’s BS.”
“Murderface, you have suffered beat downs from crowds that would fill a football stadium. You’ve been thrown out of helicopters, frozen alive and there was that time you fought a bear. You should be dead,” Charles reiterated.

Knubbler’s eyes go yellow. “So they’re not immune from freak accidents. Big deal.”
Toki stood up. “Yes, big deal. Ifs other people doesn’t die, we ams at risks of dying.”
Charles pointed. “Well, said Toki. The curse has now moved to Planet Piss. Which makes me wonder if Murderface’s new immunity could be transferred or shared with other members of Planet Piss. This is why I think Knubbler is also safe from any freak accidents.”

Pickles blinked. “Hold on. Do you seriously think joining Planet Piss will save us from potentially dying?”
Skwiss sighs. “Planet Piss or deaths is a difficult choice.”
Charles frowns. “Well, it’s just that your god status is gone. You’ll age and suffer the effects of anything you do to yourselves.”

Pickles stood up. “So drugs can actually kill me now?”
“Yes.”
“And I won’t haves immediate reloads between ladies?”
“No.”
“And peoples won’t dies around me?”
“No.”

Nathan frowned. “Wait, what was my ability?”
“Your voice, Nathan.”
“I’m going to lose my voice?”
“Or at least the impact it had, yes.”

Pickles put his feet up on the table. “I can live with it.”
Skwiss sighs. “I suppose it coulds be worse.”
Toki sighs. “For my family.”
Nathan sighs. “I guess it was bound to happen.”
Charles raises an eyebrow. “You … all took that better than I was expecting.”

Murderface held Dick’s hand. “So, Planet Piss is the new Dethklok?”
“Essentially.”
Murderface jumped to his feet. “Fuck all of you! Dethklok walked so Planet Piss could run. Live in my shadow, eat my dirt, suck my dick.”
Knubbler stroked down his arm. “Was that an invite?”
“Doors always open.” Murderface pinned Dick to the table and rammed his tongue down his throat.

The rest of the room rolled their eyes and left the table, disgusted and annoyed they had to witness that.