Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

We’re about five minutes from the station in 12 so I think I should leave my room. I still don’t know what to think about yesterday, I can’t believe it was only yesterday. As I step out into the corridor I can see Katniss standing nervously by the exit. Apparently she is in a hurry to get off this train. But if I’m honest, so am I. I think back to the last thing I said to her.

Well, let me know when you work it out.

That isn’t going to happen before we get to 12 and I can already see the cameras at the station in my mind. If we get off this train looking like we never want to see each other again there will be questions. Questions we might not be able to answer. We have to look like the loving couple we aren’t, so I walk up to her and hold my hand out.

Katniss looks at me with a mixture of sadness and confusion so I say, “One more time? For the audience?” I can hear the emptiness in my voice.

Confusion fades from her face as sadness claims her entire expression. She quickly takes my hand, gripping it tighter than she ever has in the past. As we stand there, hand in hand, I wonder what the next couple of weeks will be like at all the banquets and parties we’ll be required to attend. Will she want me to kiss her for the cameras? Will I even want to? But there is no time to consider this as Haymitch walks up behind us and growls, “Smile like you like each other.”

This comes naturally for me. I’ve been masking my emotions and carefully deciding on my words for my mother since I was a child. Glancing over though, Katniss just looks like she's about to cry. I guess now that it’s out there and I know that she was acting during the games, holding my hand is something she can barely stand.

The doors open and we step out waving to the crowd. Suddenly though, Katniss screams, “Prim!”

She drops my hand and hurtles herself at her sister. Thankful for a reason to move away from Katniss, I turn and see my own family.

My father looks so proud. His chest is out and he is standing taller and straighter than I have ever seen him do before. Rye looks slightly abashed, probably thinking about how Katniss volunteered for her younger sister, but he was unwilling to volunteer for me. Bannock is a little more excited, but seems to be out of his element with all of the cameras. He always was the shiest and most reserved of the three of us while Rye and I were always better with people, masking our fear of our mother with outgoing smiles.

She is there too. For the first time in my life she seems unsure of me. For as long as I can remember she has always had a cutting word or smack to remind me of how useless I am. Of how little I matter and that no one would even notice if I just disappeared. And I believed her. I still believe her, now more than ever. For a brief few days I thought I mattered to Katniss, the bravest most empathetic person I have ever met. But it turns out my mother was right. I am expendable. But now is not the time for these thoughts so I smile at my family before moving forward for a group hug. It’s probably just as important to the Capitol that I have a good relationship with my family as it is that Katniss and I are in love. I wish she had just let me die by that lake, then I wouldn’t have to worry about anything. I wouldn’t have to fake affection for a woman who would beat me senseless over the tiniest mistake. I wouldn’t have to see Katniss try to pretend to care about me.

As we say our greetings to the crowd behind the photographers, Katniss approaches me with her sister and mother. I shake both of their hands and mumble a greeting before introducing my family, which is only slightly awkward considering her mother and my father’s past. After the introductions Katniss moves over to me again and fiercely grips my hand as if it is the only thing keeping her tethered to the platform. I risk a glance over at her and she glances at me. She looks like she wants to say something, but must not think now is the time because she quickly looks away. I thought I understood her so well in the arena, but I am so lost as to what she is thinking. If she was faking it then, why is she holding me so tightly now? Is she worried the cameras will zoom in on our hands and see that she can barely stand to touch me?

That is when the real questions start.

Thankfully, the first question is an easy one lobbed at Katniss.

“What do you most look forward to now that you are home?”

Immediately Katniss answers, “spending time with my family. I missed my mom and my sister so much while I was away. There were times when I didn’t know if I would ever see them again. I’m so happy to be home with them now.”

Eventually a reporter asks Mrs. Everdeen about our relationship and her answer speaks volumes to me.

“Katniss isn’t old enough to have a boyfriend,” before looking directly at me. My mind reels at this. Did she pick up on something from across the country that I couldn’t see when I was right next to Katniss? I’m so stupid, of course she was doing this all for the games and of course her mother could tell. But at least this gives us an excuse to put some distance between ourselves so I let go of Katniss’ hand.

Strangely though, Katniss doesn’t release her grip on my hand for another half second, almost as if she doesn’t want to let go of me. I’m thrown into turmoil again, but this is not the place to try and figure out the enigma that is Katniss Everdeen so I just step away from her and move closer to my parents.

Chapter Text

The last victory luncheon just ended and in a few minutes Katniss and I will be presented with the keys to our new houses in The Victor’s Village. The only really good part of this whole thing was on the second day we delivered food and goods to the entire district for Parcel Day. I was able to forget about my own problems for that brief day. But that was over a week ago now, in a few minutes all the Capitol cameras will be gone and we’ll be able to stop pretending. In a few minutes, I’ll have to let go of Katniss until she decides what she wants.

I had a conversation with my father last week after Parcel Day and it was decided that the family would remain behind at the bakery. No one else in the district is qualified to run the bakery and, if I’m being honest, I don’t think my mother wants to move in with me. Now that I am a victor, what can she do to me? This will be my house and she will be my guest. My guest to remove the second she becomes abusive. One of the biggest benefits for me from winning the games is not the money. It’s how small my mother and her abuse have become. What can she do to me that a pack of mutts with the eyes of dead children haven’t already done?

But I will be lonely. My only neighbors are the girl I love and an alcoholic Haymitch. I will miss being around other people.

Even though I’ve had almost two weeks of constant contact with Katniss I still can’t tell what she wants and we haven’t had a conversation about it either. I’ve never felt this confused in my life. I always thought I was pretty good at reading people. I had to be to avoid the worst of my mother’s beatings. But I guess my mother is the only one I can truly read.

I have never felt more lost. Katniss hasn’t said one word to me when a camera is not trained on us. I’m pretty sure I know what that means. However, there are times where she refuses to let go of my hand, even when she has no reason to hold on and then there are times where she cannot get rid of me fast enough. All I can do is give her the space to figure out what she wants. Now that I don’t have to work I have all the time in the world. I’ll give her all that she needs.

I shake free of these confusing thoughts and memories as Mayor Undersee, Effie, Haymitch, and a few other Capitol people with us approach Victor’s Village. Effie, always dependable to have a schedule down to the exact moment, has gone over this with me so many times I know what is going to happen without needing to pay much attention. Mayor Undersee reads from a paper that states that, as victors, we have been given, by the grace of the Capitol, these homes and a yearly stipend. Katniss is on one side while I am on the other of the mayor. I wonder if the mayors in the career districts have done this enough times that they don’t need to read from the paper. Their tributes come home so often that they already know what to say. Poor Mayor Undersee, this is probably the first and last time that he will do this. Gale and Katniss are probably the only two people in 12 capable of winning the games and neither of them will ever go into another reaping bowl. He’s too old and she’s a victor.

Katniss gets her key first, her mother and sister on either side of her. I wish my family was here but my father informed me that they would need to open the bakery and would miss this ceremony since they weren’t moving in with me. Next, I get my key and a shake of the hand from the mayor. Effie gives me a hug while she squeals congratulations to me while Haymitch slurs his congratulations while shaking my hand. I know I need to acknowledge Katniss, the Capitol would be upset if we just ignored each other now and walked into our homes without so much as a backwards glance.

I walk past the mayor towards Katniss and can see the desperation on her face. She has almost the same expression that she wore when I tore off my tourniquet in the arena. I hold out my arms to her and she instantly melts into them, one last touch she will have to endure from me before the cameras leave. I can’t tell if it is two seconds or two hours later when Haymitch walks up to us and reminds us that, according to Mrs. Everdeen, Katniss isn’t old enough for a boyfriend and I start to pull away from her. Katniss, again, holds on for another second before releasing me. As we pull apart I look down on her and can see such a pained expression on her face.

If this had happened in the Capitol, after the games, I’d have sworn that Katniss was already longing for another hug, another touch from me. That she needed me. But now that we are here I realize that she is longing for this charade to end. It hits me then, she doesn’t love me, she doesn’t care for me. She saved my life because she is brave and stubborn and fiercely loyal, not because of affection. It seems so obvious now, why would she care about me? We barely knew each other before the games. I was a stranger to her and she’s the most amazing and mysterious girl in the district. The one who the whole district saluted and who was able to make the fickle Capitol crowd fall in love with. I am nothing in comparison. If my own mother couldn’t love me, why would Katniss even care?

“I’ll see you soon,” I lie to her for the camera’s benefit before turning and making my way to my new house hoping I can get there before the smile masking my face falters. I only have to keep this happy charade up for a few more seconds before I’m safely inside and the Capitol cameras are off of me. Ten steps to the door. Five. Two. Finally, I make it to the door and just in time. I try to get the key in the lock, but my hands have started shaking so badly it’s a struggle to even hold onto the key. I wonder if the Capitol cameras are picking up on this, hopefully it comes off as excitement to them. Probably they are not on me though, they’re certainly watching Katniss. She's the more important of the pair of us anyways. I am nothing.

With a deep breath I am able to calm my hands enough to finally unlock the door. My door. The door to the house where I will live alone. Will I end up like Haymitch? Drowning my regrets in white liquor? Living this life that the Capitol has forced onto me. I had come to accept my death. Katniss is the one that has a family that loves and needs her. No one really needs me I think blinking back the tears.

I wish I had never spoken up. She hadn’t seen me in the mud, her hearing was damaged. She would have walked right by me and I could have died in peace by that river bed, secure in the knowledge that I had done everything I could to help her survive while dying playing by my own rules. Not those of the Capitol.

I hear a crash and feel the tears falling uncontrollably from my eyes. I look up through blurry eyes and see my prosthetic on top of a toppled kitchen chair. I look back down and realize I took it off. I don’t remember doing that and I don’t remember throwing it. The shake in my hands returns as if I am freezing in the late summer heat.

After what seems like hours I’m finally able to stop shaking and I have no more snot and tears to shed. Looking around I am able to get my bearings in this tomb of a home.

With no crutches or prosthetic I crawl my way over to my kitchen table about ten feet to the right of where I collapsed, just inside the great room that makes up most of the bottom floor. I can see the living room in the opposite direction and the kitchen behind the table. There is a door off of the living room which probably leads to a bathroom with a hallway leading towards the stairs and downstairs bedroom. Behind the kitchen there is a doorway without a door, probably towards a formal dining area.

I reach my prosthetic and try to reattach it, but my hands will not cooperate. They are no longer shaking, but seem to have a mind of their own and decide not to attach the Capitol’s leg back to my body. Unable to walk, I carefully pull myself up and into a nearby chair and lower my head onto the table before collapsing into exhaustion.

Chapter Text

I wake up to someone knocking on my door. I don’t know how long I’ve been asleep or how long they have been knocking. I try to ignore it, but after a couple of minutes it is clear that whoever is at my door is not going away.

Opening my eyes and looking around I see the sun hanging low in the Eastern sky, it must be morning. Normally I’m awake before dawn, even in the long summer days, in order to work in the bakery, but I must have fallen asleep at the table and slept through the night and into the morning. The knocking continues so I shout that the door is open, which I think is true. I really don’t remember whether I locked the door behind me when I came in.

I hear the door open as I reach down to attempt to put my prosthetic back on. My pant leg is still rolled up from my attempts last night and this time my hands and fingers cooperate and I am quickly able to attach the limb. I look up to see one of the last people I would have expected to be my first guest here.

“Prim, how are you?” I ask, trying to sound lighthearted.

Instead of answering, she looks at me for quite a while, considering her response. Her eyes sweep the room and linger on the overturned chair, a small puddle of drool on the table in front of me, the ruffled clothes she must know I was wearing yesterday.

“Peeta? Are you okay?”

No.

I wish your sister had let me die. I’m going to have to spend the rest of my life alone in this house. Maybe Haymitch can introduce me to Ripper. I’m sure she’d appreciate another victor as a customer. But Prim doesn’t need my self pity. I’d be dead without her sister and it’s unfair to unload my problems on this young child. My brothers couldn’t and wouldn’t protect me from my mother. Katniss risked death for Prim. She knows a love I will never comprehend. I can’t say anything about Katniss or the arena.

I must have been quiet for a long time because she moves closer to me before softly seeking a response. “Peeta?”

“No,” I finally manage to breathe out looking down. I realize that while I had the time to reattach the Capitol replacement in my shock of seeing Prim I hadn’t rolled my pants leg back down yet.

“We noticed no one else had moved in with you and I was worried about how you were doing. I know that amputees can deal with depression…after,” she says delicately.

All I can focus on is the fact that anyone noticed me. I thought I was going to be all alone, a new Haymitch. Just the fact that anyone even bothered to look at me raises my spirits more than I could have thought possible. “You noticed? I didn’t think anyone was paying attention.”

To my surprise, Prim blushes somewhat before hesitantly responding. “Well, I didn’t notice…at first. Katniss saw you at your door. You seemed to be there for a while before you went inside and she asked if we knew when your family was moving in. My mom said that she had overheard that your family was staying at the bakery so I decided that I should check on you. I’ve seen amputees before and I’m sure having to relearn to walk was not easy.”

I smile to myself, no it wasn’t. But again, I don’t need to dump my self pity onto this kind, sweet child who is just trying to make me feel better, something I am very grateful for. “I’m getting the hang of it,” I shrug in answer.

“What are you planning on doing now that you don’t have to work at the bakery?”

Prim might be four years younger than Katniss, but she is a lot better at talking to people than Katniss. Truthfully, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this same question. I used to sketch a lot. I always got compliments on the cakes I frosted. But after last night, I’m not sure there is anything that would bring me joy. It would all remind me of what I lost or what the Capitol is forcing me to have.

“What is Katniss doing?” I ask to buy time.

“She went hunting first thing this morning.”

Figures, the woods were her sanctuary before the games. They must be even more important to her now.

“Maybe you could bake?” Prim offers. “Not because you need to, but because you’re good at it. I’ve tasted the bread you baked and seen the cakes you decorated. I bet with time and supplies you could come up with some amazing things.”

This brings an actual smile to my face. There are so few things in this world that I am actually proud of and baking and decorating are what I am proudest of, along with my sketches.

I stand up and stretch. I’m much taller than Katniss and I absolutely tower over petite Prim who has managed to drive away the depression that was threatening to envelop me.

“Thanks Prim. I’ll bring the first loaf I bake over just for you. Any particular type you’d like?” I ask.

She smiles at me and answers easily, “Whatever you feel like making. I already know it’ll taste amazing.”

After Prim leaves I take stock of what I have on hand. The Capitol has stocked my house with food, but not baking supplies. I’m sure I can buy a few simple things off of my parents or from the general store while I wait on larger, more unique items I’ll need for more complex recipes. I go into the downstairs bathroom and see that my face is a mess. The tear stains and snot that I shed yesterday are still clearly visible and my eyes are puffy and red. No wonder Prim asked if I was okay.

After taking a shower and changing into some clean clothes I realize I am starving. It must be past 9 o’clock in the morning and I haven’t eaten since lunch yesterday. I make myself a quick sandwich and then focus on what supplies I’ll need to keep myself busy. Prim was right, I do need to do something. I’m able to make two lists, one of art supplies and one for baking. Effie is staying at the Mayor’s House, she will probably be able to get me the art supplies I want. I’ve never been able to afford real, high quality art supplies before. My mother refused to buy anything decent so I made use of what I could scrounge from school or make for myself.

I take both lists, deciding that I should visit the Mayor’s House first. It’ll be better to visit with my family after any morning rush has died down.

I leave my house and walk over towards the exit to Victor’s Village. Haymitch is nowhere to be seen, but Prim and Mrs. Everdeen are walking around the outside of their new house. Prim catches my eye and waves brightly at me. I smile in return before briefly waving back.

Once I’m at the Mayor’s House I knock and a servant opens the door.

“Has Effie Trinket left yet or is she still here?” I ask with as much confidence as I can muster. I’m a victor and everyone knows who I am. It should be totally normal for me to need to speak to Effie. And since Effie has been staying here since we returned from the games this should be normal. But I can’t help but swallow nervously. I’ve never been here before and it is a little intimidating.

The servant nods and allows me inside to sit in a large waiting area before going to get Effie.

Clack, clack, clack. I can hear Effie coming down the hallway before I even see her. Effie is sweet, even if she reminds me vividly of the Capitol people who bet on whether I would kill or be killed.

“Peeta! It’s so good to see you!” Effie trills out before hugging me.

“Hi, Effie,” I smile at her. “I was hoping you could help me. I’ve always liked drawing and I wanted to try to start painting. Would you be able to help me by getting some supplies to get me started?”

“Of course!” She squeals excitedly. “It would be great to introduce some color to this district!”

I know she means this as a compliment, so I take it in stride. “Thanks Effie, here’s a list of everything I want for now. Once I’ve started and had some practice I’ll call you. I mean when you are back in the Capitol, I’ll call you. If I need anything else, if that’s okay.”

“Absolutely! Anything you need I’ll get for you,” she says with a sincerity that touches me. “Now that you will be a mentor we’ll be in touch regularly.”

Well it was a nice moment thinking of Effie helping me, but I do not need a reminder of what’s coming up next year. Effie doesn’t know any better though so I just smile politely before excusing myself.

The walk into town doesn’t take long and before I know it I can see the bakery, but I decide to stop at the shop next door first to see my oldest friend Delly. I can see Delly through the window helping a customer. The bell on the door jingles as I enter and Delly looks up. When she realizes it’s me her face breaks into a huge smile and she abandons her customer to give me a hug.

“Peeta!”

“Hey, Del,” I say.

Delly seems to realize she abandoned a paying customer and turns to face the customer before turning back to me with an apology written across her face.

“Don’t worry Del, I can wait. I just wanted to say hi. I’ll just sit down here for a second while you finish up.”

“Thank you,” she quickly whispers before turning fully back to the customer.

It only takes a minute or two before Delly returns. She stops by the front door to lock up before sitting down next to me. I look a question at her before she says that no one is going to die without new shoes until we are done catching up. Then she really looks at me for the first time since I’ve been back.

“What’s wrong Peeta?”

I look at her and can see that she knows something is bothering me. I consider lying to her, but she’s my oldest friend. She’ll see through a lie, but I don’t want to sound pathetic by telling her all of my problems.

But then again, I need to talk about this and I don’t know who else to talk to. I told Katniss to talk to me when she knows what she wants. Instead she went hunting, probably with Gale I think bitterly. As sweet as Effie is, I don't want to bring this up with someone from the Capitol. Except maybe Portia. But the only way to speak with her would be on the phone and I’m not sure if that’s safe. That leaves my family and Haymitch. A drunk and my abusive mother. If I have no one else, I have to tell Delly.

“Katniss doesn’t love me. Everything was for the games. We upset the Capitol with the berries and I’m worried about what Snow will do and I’m so alone in my house,” I start and before I know it I’m telling her everything. Some of this I should keep to myself, but I can’t help it.

Delly lets me spill everything. I talk non-stop for at least ten minutes, by the end of which I am nearly in tears. But as I talk I start feeling better. Just having someone to tell this to makes me feel so much better. Like I’m not alone in the world. Delly just sits there holding my hand, looking sad for my suffering. Finally, when I am done Delly looks at me for a full minute before saying the last thing I expected her to say.

“Peeta, I’m so sorry this is happening to you, but there is one thing I know for sure and I need you to know it too. Katniss does love you.”

“How on earth can you know that?” I laugh. It’s absurd that anyone could hear about the last few weeks and not realize that Katniss does not care about me.

“I watched the entire games. It was hard, after Cato stabbed you…” she breaks off blinking back the tears that have started forming. Delly takes a deep breath before continuing. “If that was the last time I was going to see you alive I didn’t want to miss a moment. Even when viewing wasn’t required, I watched. Every second that I was awake I was watching. Katniss risked her life so many times for you. Did you see the look on her face when she held those berries out to you?”

“That was just to avoid going all the way to the end and then coming back to 12 alone and facing the crowd after letting me die,” I interrupt, dismissively.

“No.” Dell says firmly. “She didn’t want to live in a world without you. That’s love. Now I don’t know if she is IN love with you or just loves you, like I do. But no one does that out of district solidarity. I’d never seen that girl smile in my entire life and she had a look on her face, at times, in that cave, that looked like she had never been happier. We’ll get to the other stuff in a second, but I really need you to know this. She loves you.”

It’s painful to discuss Katniss right now and I am so confused so I just acquiesce to Delly’s onslaught.

“If you say so Del, I trust you.”

“Good,” Delly says with firmness that lets me know that the subject is closed. “You also said you were lonely, well I can help you with that,” Delly states tactfully changing the subject. “Vera is having a party on Friday and I know she’d love it if you could come.”

I smile slightly, thinking to myself that at least it gives me something to look forward to. “Sure, I’ll go,” I tell Delly who finally manages to break into the first real smile since we started talking.

Thinking back to my conversation with Prim I add on, “I’ll make a cake. Can you ask Vera what flavor she’d like?”

“I’ll ask her for you. So…anything else on your mind?” Delly asks.

“How have things been here? I mean since I left,” I ask.

“Well…” Delly starts mischievously.

“What?”

“Corbin asked me out a couple of weeks ago. I know,” Delly quickly starts, “that you two haven’t always gotten along. What with that headlock you put him in when we were 12, but he’s really sweet when you get to know him. When you were reaped he was so sad. He told me that he always admired you and was sorry you two had never had the chance to make up. He watched most of the games with me. He knew how much I love you and how much it hurt me to see you in that awful arena.”

I try to smile for Delly’s sake. She is my best friend and the sister I never had. But she always sees the best in people. She could probably meet president Snow and walk away thinking he is a good guy. But it is not my place to tell her that Corbin is a snake. It’s no coincidence that he waited until I was gone to chase Delly. He probably thought, hell I thought it too, that I was a dead man walking. With me out of the way, he probably thought that he wouldn’t have to worry about what would happen when he breaks Delly’s heart. He knows that if he does that I’d break his arm, but with me in the Capitol about to die, he didn’t have to worry. Corbin has a history of chasing girls and when he gets them tossing them aside when he is bored. Now that I am back, a rich victor at that, he is probably not too happy.

“You know our history Del, but you seem happy so I am happy for you. And for both of your sakes, I hope he treats you well.” I say with a small laugh.

The rest of the visit goes well though and Delly catches me up on all of the drama. How her little brother had dared his friend to jump off the roof of the store and broke his leg. How the carpenter was caught sleeping with a married woman from the Seam. How the new school year was going so far. Eventually though, I can’t put off a visit with my family any longer so I leave and go to face them and buy the baking supplies that I need. Like any other customer.