Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Bucky was loud with his family, but that wasn't Bucky, that was James. He talked and laughed loudly just with them, he held me by the waist all the time and pressed a kiss to my head so often that I could almost count the time passing. His family liked me, they said I seemed like a good Christian. I wasn't. I knew a lot about the Bible, though, so they assumed I was. And I went to church with Bucky sometimes.

His grandmother bought me a new rosary, it was beautiful. Even though it was our house, I was the youngest of the daughters-in-law, I was relegated to menial tasks, so I was around Bucky all the time. When it was getting close to dusk, and I couldn't stand the noise anymore, I would rest my head on his shoulder and look tired. Bucky said I had the perfect look of desolation. 

"Is Aunt Lena tired?" Peter was the youngest of the nephews, only five. I nodded.

The Barnes were a large family. Bucky's great-great-grandmother had seven kids, his grandmother had five. Bucky’s mother had three, he was the middle child. Bucky's two sisters already had children, Rebecca had two, Peter was the youngest. Jenna had four girls, her husband hadn't given up trying for a boy yet, and she didn't seem willing to impose that didn't want to keep trying. 

“I think it's time to go." Bucky's grandmother, Camelia, said. It was at her command that the family began to say their goodbyes. At least an hour of hugs and goodnights, and planning the next lunch at one of Bucky's sisters' or one of his uncles' houses.

"Uncle Antonio is going to tell this story about how he lost this plot of land in Manhattan, and that's why he's not rich, forever!" Bucky said, after the last car had left. The kitchen looked cleaner that night than it had when I cleaned it that morning. "I remember being five, and him telling me that exact same story."

"Every immigrant family has a story like that." I opened the refrigerator, seeing the amount of glass dishes I would have to return at the next family gathering. "I like the story about your grandfather who came from Romania with three dollars and a dream of opening a store."

"It was two dollars, actually." Bucky laughed, the amount of money varied from time to time. "But he did it." I rested my hands on the counter, pushing my body up until I could sit on the marble top. And yes, he had. Bucky’s grandpa had managed to get rich, and make almost all his brothers have a decent life. 

"Today is the 10th," he reminded me, and I nodded. "You..." I nodded again. "Are you sure?"

"Are you?" We'd had the same conversation every month since we decided it was time. Maybe it would have been easier if he were bisexual, if he liked women, even just a little. Or if I liked it. Just a little. "The factory is your-"

"Ours," he corrected, and I nodded.

" Our s. No one can take it away from us, especially your family." I found myself saying it more often than I'd like. It was almost a mantra at that point, a reminder that he didn't have to settle for a life he didn't want, especially for his own family, but it had never worked.

"I want this, I want to be a father... you're the only woman I would want to be the mother of my child." I nodded, and Bucky came closer, giving me a hug. "You're my family."

"And you're mine." In my case, this was way more real, because I had no one. My parents were dead. My grandparents too. I had a sister, Natasha. She died in a car accident six years ago. 

Bucky was her best friend, and he offered me a job as a graphic designer at the factory he had opened a year earlier with her and their other friend, Sue. I married him the following year, not out of overwhelming love, but because he was the only one who accepted what was wrong with me.

"We can do it." I said, still in the embrace.

"We can," he agreed.

Loving him helped. In five years of marriage, we had done it of our own free will about... four times. Every time, we had been drinking, in a kind of desire that maybe something would change. That Bucky might have a hidden bisexuality somewhere, and for me, a hope that I would feel sexual desire for my own husband. 

It never happened. 

Now, we did it for the baby. He was much more excited about the idea than I was, but I wanted too. Bucky didn't see them as toys, something cute that would not last, he really wanted to raise another human being, to form someone. It was a feeling I didn't often see in other parents. 

So I did. I did it for him, because I loved him. The experience wasn't bad, as long as I didn't think he didn't wanted to be there. I mean, I didn't want to be there either, but the lack of desire came from different places for us.

There was no scientific basis for it, but when he was done, I would lie down by the headboard, with my legs up so that the cum wouldn’t leak out. It was kind of gross. Really gross. But Bucky always laughed when I did it, and it made him feel a little better. 

“Johnny from HR met his boyfriend on a dating app…” I said out of the blue, and Bucky looked at me in confusion, lying down next to me after putting on his pajamas. “He said he wasn’t expecting anything, because they hadn’t even seen each other’s faces when they met in the app.”

“It was because they just wanted sex. He just got lucky.” 

Bucky was a handsome man. People said I was beautiful, and we were beautiful together. 

He looked like a movie star, with blue eyes, the most beautiful dark hair I’d ever seen, and the jawline that most Hollywood actors would make a pact to have. One of his uncles, Bart, had once “joked” that it was a good thing he wasn’t gay, because it would be a waste of genes. Bucky cried in the car on the way home that day.

"You could try," I said.

"It's New York." I looked at him, confused. "Someone's going to find out."

"Of course not, it's a whole state! There’s many cities and… you know?!" It was weird to argue while upside down, but besides New York being the biggest city in the world, or at least with the most people, we didn't live in the city. He could find someone, have his moment, and come back.

"I can't have a boyfriend."

"I'm the last person who's going to be jeal-”

"Yelena," he said, and that was the end of the argument. 

Sometimes I wondered if it was some kind of promise he made to himself, especially being raised as christian. Or if it was the fact that I had no one, and "leaving me" would take away the only family I had. He didn't talk about it, and he swore he didn't marry out of pity. The truth, at least to me, was that he felt sorry.

Maybe just for me, maybe for both of us.

Natasha was still alive when I decided to date. I had a crush on a boy in my Art History class, and I was excited that he wanted to go out with me, until he wanted to have sex and I didn't. I just didn't want to, even though I liked him. Then I thought I was a lesbian, and tried dating a girl. And I liked her... but I also didn't want sex. 

I kept trying and hoping, and realizing that falling in love wasn't enough to make me want someone sexually, was driving me insane. I went to psychologists to look for some trauma. I took testosterone injections. I went to a drama class to play a prostitute, hoping that the character's sexual drive would have an effect on me.

I remember telling Bucky and Natasha that last part and they both looked at me like I had gone crazy. One of the psychologists said that I was born this way, that there was nothing that could be fixed. 

And I wanted to die. I didn’t… so I performed. 

"I'm going to take a shower..." I said, after we had spent so long in silence. "The team will present the new layouts tomorrow… big day." Bucky looked at me and smiled.

"That's good." And that was the end of our day.

+++

I tested every month, especially when my period was late. I always imagined I'd have kids after thirty, but I was twenty-eight. It seemed like a good age anyway, because I didn't have much to worry about. I had a house, a stable job, and Bucky planned to spend the first three years of the baby's life at home and I would take care of the factory. It was a collection of privileges most people didn't have.

"Maybe we can try insemination," I murmured, looking at the single line indicating negative. "In Delaware, no one will know." Bucky sighed heavily. He was worried his family would find out, as if there were spies around us.

"We... we'll try again this month, and if it doesn't work, we'll try a clinic." He pressed a kiss to my cheek before leaving the bathroom. He was upset, of course. Especially since my tests were perfect, so he figured the problem was him. "I'll make dinner!"

"Okay!" I yelled back.

I pulled up my pajama shirt, looking at my belly. I didn't really like my body; it wasn't ugly, there was nothing wrong with it, but was never something I wanted to be... noticed. I hated the idea of being naked, and it took me a while to get used to being naked in front of Bucky. He didn't mind nudity, or the lack thereof, which made it easier.

And he liked lingerie. He bought beautiful, elaborate pieces that cost a fortune, and I wore them because it was fun. And he... liked to see me dressing, and I liked having something still covering me. I felt like a doll that complains and laughs. He did it with dresses too, New Year's Eve was his Met Gala. 

"Do you think I will feel them growing like a parasite?" I yelled, my belly still bare as if there was something there. "Like... I'll feel... them eating me from the inside, like in Alien?"

"We can call them Ripley," he said, searching for something among the spice pots when I came to the kitchen. "Is that the protagonist's name?"

"I don't remember." I sat in a chair at the dining table, hugging my legs. "But it's a cool name. It could be a middle one." 

"I thought about joining Ben's baseball club," he said out of the blue, and the comment surprised me. Bucky didn't really engage in sports, just enough to talk to his uncles, like players names and what team was winning the championship. "I want to be active, you know? Not die of back pain from playing with the kid."

“You don’t know baseball.”

“I know!”

“What are the rules?”

“Ah…” I started to laugh as his eyes wandered, trying to come up with an answer. “I will just… you know?! Swing my hips and hit balls across the field!" and he did swing his hips with an imaginary bat, making me laugh even more. “They will teach me, okay?”

“Okay.”

“And you go to the games to give moral support.”

“I don’t know baseball, how do I know if you're winning?”

“Celebrate when people around you get happy, complain if they get sad. If there’s no one around you, just scream my name really loud.” I laugh a little more. Could be good for him, have new friends. 

“Do the swing with your hips again.”

“No!” he was getting red. Bucky was the kind of person who got flustered really fast.

“I need to see it!” He threw a piece of pasta at me and laughed, dodging it, but didn't even reach me. “Please!”

“No! What do you think about Carbonara?” I nodded, Bucky was a better cook than me. He and Natasha used to do it all the time, elaborated plates that looked five stars worth it. At least Bucky’s one always looked good, Nat was terrible at the presentation. “I need eggs…” he looked at the fridge. “I’ll get it.”

“Now?”

“Twenty minutes!” he got the car keys, running to the front door. There was nothing for me to argue, he would say that we would need eggs anyway, so it would be better to just buy it already. I watched him leave, knowing that it was more than eggs that was making him get a “time out”. It was the baby. It was his age. I was everything. But if I was honest, if I was pregnant, maybe the reaction would not be that good also. 

I needed to do something… just didn’t know what. Yet.

+++

WS had grown quickly. Natasha and Sue Storm were the main designers; they were both incredible artists and produced stationery themselves, in a small room in Brooklyn. Bucky invested in them to reach more people, and I went to university as a Visual Artist. Their first factory opened after two years of work, and I got my first internship with my sister at the big age of 20... and she died a year later.

Sue stopped illustrating soon after Natasha's death. I got a job and then, a marriage.

Probably those who didn't know Bucky very well thought he married me because I was the closest thing to Natasha he could get after her death. Those who knew even less, would hear my thick accent and thought I married for the money and the green card. Now, years later, maybe no one would think anything of it. 

A giant factory in New York, printing notebooks, stickers and stationery items with art created by real people. The American dream, I guess. 

"That company that asked us to design their logo and stationery, Victor said you rejected his sketch," Bucky said, fiddling with his phone in front of the building. He'd asked Ben to take the car to the mechanic because Bucky knew as much about cars as he knew about art. He didn't. Bucky knew about money. Ben, according to the last message, was ten minutes away from us.

"Did you saw the sketch?" I asked. He shook his head. I took my phone out of my pants pocket, opening the image. I'd taken a photo, which I intended to send to Sue later. "They asked for a building and three eyes as a symbol," I showed him the photo. Bucky stared at it in silence for a few seconds.

"It's a penis."

"It's a penis," I agreed.

"He didn't notice?"

"No one noticed!" I started laughing. Considering the whole thing, it wasn't that obvious, but it was the kind of detail that needed attention. Designer 101: Be careful not to accidentally draw genitals or a swastika in your fucking logo! "Nobody on the team realized and I didn't want to put him on blast, so I asked him to make something different. Didn’t look intentional either."

"Oh my god." He started to laugh, but stopped when the loud roar of a motorcycle rang out at the end of the street. 

I didn't know much about motorcycles, but I knew Harley-Davidsons were cool. Johnny's boyfriend, Joaquin, had one. Johnny walked out of the building, passing us, loud as always, and I watched in silence as Bucky looked at them. Johnny was my age; Joaquin must have been a year or two younger. 

Joaquin took off his helmet for a peck on the lips. The two were standing next to the sidewalk. From where we were, we couldn't hear what they were talking about, but they seemed happy. I waved to them both, who waved back. Maybe those who didn't know Bucky wouldn't have noticed his look, but it was there. The longing. Not for them, but for what they had. 

Bucky was 36 when he told me he was gay. Back then, he already thought he was too old to come out. At 43, he must have felt like an elder.

"I think I'll see Ava today," I said, and he looked away from them, back to me. Johnny and Joaquin left in a hurry. "Want to go with me?"

"No..." he wrinkled his nose. "I'll see you later. No patience for Walker today." I smiled. From the end of the street, I could see our car arriving. Before Ben stopped the car in front of us, I already had a plan in place.

+++

"Are you going to find a boyfriend for your husband?"

Ava and I went to college together, the art school and computer school buildings were next to each other, and that's how I met her. She was a developer, and I was making vampire arts to be notebook covers. The perfect friendship. Ava's house suited her, with colorful pieces and abstract paintings on the walls. John didn't fit in with the house, so she let him have a room to hang Battlestar Galactica posters and a framed LeBron James jersey.

She picked up some toys from the floor and put them in a box. Ava didn't have children, but John did. They married for the first time when she was 25, a year before my marriage. John wanted children, she didn't, so they divorced. John met Olivia, got married, had a child, and got divorced to marry Ava again. Fight. Another divorce. Another marriage.

As far as anyone knew, there were only three divorces, but I believe there were more. They would continue to marry and divorce until the end of time.

"I thought about making a fake profile for Bucky, but I feel bad about catfishing someone, so I'm going to make one for myself and look for bisexual men!" She stared at me, mouth open, blinking a few times.

"And why do you think the person who likes you will like Bucky?"

"Would you say no to Bucky?"

"I'm a married woman."

"That wasn't the question," I countered, as she pretended to think. "I just want him to have the experience. I'm perfectly fine without sex, that's why I married him. I have a best friend and company to grow old with! But he's only kissed one man in his life, and he's never... you know?"

"Really never, ever?"

“No…” he was really honest about the subject. His only kiss was in high school, with a boy named Steve. Someone saw them, the story didn’t reach his parents, but reached Steve’s. Bucky never had anything more with men ever since. “I don't want him to wake up one day and resent me. Or the kid. If he has the experience, maybe he'll feel better about... about everything. He'll be happier."

"Okay..." Ava sighed, "So you're going to interact with several men, and ask them if they're okay with sleeping with your husband."

"Put it that way-" Ava started laughing. "It can't be that horrible! They just need to seem normal... nice, I guess. It could work." Ava looked at me and held out her hand.

"Give me your phone, I'll do it."

(...)

"Apps are terrible. I'm going to give up on my next divorce, Walker's good enough." I laughed, lying on her couch, as she had fun selecting men that explicitly indicated that they were bisexual or “look bissexual” by her standards.

Walker was a commercial pilot, which meant he spent a lot of time away from home, and on days he didn't even know exactly when. At least once a week, Ava would call and ask if I thought he had another family in Utah. I didn't know why Utah specifically, but she must have had her reasons.

"I like this one." She turned the phone to me. "He has a friendly expression." The guy's smile was terribly awkward, as if he were embarrassed to take the picture. His eyes looked brown, and he looked... "He looks like a hamster."

"Is that a good thing?" I laughed; he really did. It was cute.

"I guess." She looked at her phone. "Bob. He looks like Bob." I nodded. "Okay, let's give Bob a chance." Ava continued looking for more. "If he accepts, that'll be... five to interview, that's good."

"Don't say interview, it's not like it's a job."

"What's the plan? Are you going to invite them for coffee and show them Bucky's picture?" I remained silent, because yes, that was the plan. Bucky always said men were superficial creatures, attracted to beauty, and Bucky was very handsome. A bisexual man was still a man! 

“I didn’t want to talk to anyone as… like pretending I want something? … Is it not cheating?”

“Your marriage is open, baby.”

“I know!” Bucky and I agreed to it, mostly for him, in the hope he would find a guy to give him what I couldn't. But he never tried. 

“One guy said something.” Ava said, and we looked together at the phone and the: “Hi, sexy” . “Who talks like that in the first message?” 

Is this dating now? My few tries were back in college, I saw the people, and was brave enough to ask, or be asked out. I was mostly trying to figure out what was wrong with me. 

“I don’t want to flirt with him. Or anyone. How do I do it?”

“Maybe not this one. Let 's wait more, there’s more options.” 

I didn't know if it was normal to feel frustrated after just a few minutes of trying, but that's how I felt at that moment. That was not my first experience with apps, I'd tried it myself once, two years after marriage. 

I thought if I could find other asexual people, I might like one of them, and then we'd be together and Bucky wouldn’t need to be stuck with me. 

It wasn't what I expected. One girl didn't like women. Another didn't even like kissing. Another felt sexual desire, but only after a strong bond was built. There were others, all scattered around the country. Around the world. 

Sex shouldn't matter so much, but it did. 

“Do you think Bucky will be mad?” I murmured. 

“He never gets mad with you.” That was true. 

Sometimes I wanted to be a boy. For him. But if I was a boy, Bucky wouldn’t marry me. And the asexual boys I meet, pretend too, because people expect men to want sex much more than women. So even if I was a boy for just one day, I would still not want to have sex, and maybe this would make him even more sad. 

“I just want him to have something he really wants, before the baby.” Ava nodded and pulled me in the sofa, go give me a hug. Sometimes I wondered if she felt sorry for me. No parents, no sister. A husband that didn’t love me as a woman. Not many friends also… but I was fine. I really was.

I just didn’t wanted to be lonely. 

“Just be nice in the messages.” Ava was not the best in advice, she and John bullied each other before they married. They just changed the tone in the bullying after they started to like each other. “Can’t be that difficult… just try to keep the conversation going on. And block him if he sends his dick unsolicited.”

“People really do that?” even if both parties were interested in each other… I couldn't imagine receiving a picture like this and getting horny about it. “I jus-”

"Bob said something." She threw the phone at me like it was on fire.

"What do I do?"

"Talk to him!"

"Oh... is asking him straight out for coffee a bad idea?"

"He'll think you're crazy or trying to rob him." She had a point. So I opened the message.

Bob: 

Is the Watchtower in the second picture?

Ava made the profile, so I went to look, and yes. It was the cafeteria Watchtower. We used to go there all the time, and only reduced my frequency after my graduation, three years ago. I would still go, mostly alone, cause no one wanted to do such a trip for just a cup of coffee. Bob’s mention made me remember that it has been some months since my last visit. The yellow and black walls and the retro vibes from the benches gave me comfort. 

Yelena:

Yeah, I used to go there all the time.

Bob:

You are from MNYU?

Yelena:

I left already. Arts.

Bob:

Economics. That’s so cool, and you're younger than me. 

omg

you so cool

you have a job?

I laughed, Bob’s profile picture was his big eyes really close to the camera. Ava came closed to see what I was saying. 

“You're imagining him as a little hamster talking to you, right?” Ava said, and yes, I kinda was, and he was 30. At least, it was his age in the app. He could be older. Or younger. Now that I looked enough, his eyes looked blue.

Yelena: 

Yeah, i have a job.

I draw cute things to make notebooks and stickers

Bob:

so cool

like

really!

"I like this one," I said, and Ava took the phone from me, typing in my place. She would be more subtle in the "interrogation" than I would. Bob really was 30. Economics was his second major, his family insisted. And he lived alone.

"He has money," Ava concluded. "A degree to please his family and he lives alone in New York? He has money." I didn't really care, as long as it didn't prevent me from accepting the offer. "Why would someone with money be on an app?"

"There are famous people on apps." She nodded; we'd seen one less than an hour ago.

“Oh, he said something.” Ava gave the phone back.

Bob:

you did arts

you had Anthropology class with Mrs. Kinley? 

Yelena:

She still there?

Bob:

Yeah. She hates my ass

she talks like my dad

soooo slow

I fall asleep

Not just me, everyone

but I snored two times… 

Yelena:

She needs coffee.

Ask her if she took coffee. 

She carries but forgets to drink in her first class

ask and watch the magic happen

no one teached u guys this?

Bob:

no!

where are the seniors when we need them?

Yelena:

do it

trust me

Bob:

ok

I will do it monday

I can tell you if it worked on Tuesday.

On the watchtower.

if u want.

I looked up from the phone to Ava, who looked at me in expectation.

“I think I have a date.”

Chapter Text

In an attempt to feel like everyone else, I did theater for a few months. I had read about actors connecting deeply with characters, and I thought it was a good idea to try to emulate sexual desire. It didn't help as I'd hoped, but it did make my world feel more… seen. I felt, almost all the time, like I was always acting, always performing. 

I remembered being on stage, watching the crowd behind the heavy red curtains, that smelled old and worn. The audience ranged from five people to a hundred, but they were there, looking in my direction, waiting for me to pretend for them.

I always felt like performing, hoping that what I did on the "stage" made sense. And people would see me as a real person. Normal. 

"What do you think?" I picked up the paper envelope, showing it to Ava as I drove. I hated driving, but I did it every now and then. I had made her come with me because I didn't trust going on the date alone, even in a public place.

Ava pulled the photos out of the envelope. One of Bucky and me, and two just of Bucky, one of his face and one of his full body. Shirtless. Ava held for two seconds before laughing out loud.

"Is this serious?"

"He needs to... evaluate!" I replied. Bucky wasn't just handsome, he was athletic too. I needed to make sure Bob would accept the proposal, and seeing the material was part of the job. “Bucky is hot enough to convince him, but he needs to see it! I thought that printing would make my argument more convincing.”

"You're... fascinating." She laughed some more. "I love how your mind works."

Bucky used to say my mind was younger than me. After Natasha’s death I felt... empty. And went worse after the marriage. Not because of the marriage itself, but because of everything else. I had lost everyone I cared about, had just one friend, Ava, and Bucky married me so I wouldn't be alone. So I went into a big period of nothing.

If someone asked me what I did between the ages of 22 and 25, I wouldn't know for sure.

It was a huge void in my memory. Bucky mentioned events I didn't remember and words I didn't recall to say. I slept and watched TV. I missed months of college, and if I hadn't been married to the owner, I would have lost my internship too. My mind took a while to come back, but it did eventually, and I felt like I was still 22.

"So... you're going to talk to him. Everything." I nodded. "A complete stranger."

"It’s not like a dirty secret. He seems like a nice guy. And if it doesn't work out, I'll just... try something different." I didn't know what yet. Ava and Bucky were my only real friends, who knew everything about me; I didn't have a circle of people to turn to for alternatives. "I'll park here; the street at MNYU is too busy." 

My hands started shaking as soon as I parked. Ava said something about going first so it wouldn't seem obvious that we'd arrived together, placing the envelope of photos back on my lap. I nodded, looking out the window, watching people pass by at that hurried pace that was already common in the city.

I would be completely honest with a stranger. There would be no curtains this time, no characters, no pretending. It was just me.

"You're going next, okay?" Ava said, and I nodded, watching her jump out of the car and walk down the sidewalk, disappearing around the corner to the left. I liked the way she walked, like the world was her runaway. 

I waited a few seconds before leaving. I had an extremely distinctive collection of dresses, some so short I couldn't bend down to the floor and some so long I could trip over. I wore the short ones with Bucky and Ava; they were my favorites, but they drew too much attention. And his grandmother said the short dresses were from whores, so I wore the long ones around her. That's why I had them. 

Of the people I knew in college, Ava was the only one who didn't mind short clothes. Not that the others were prudes, they just thought it didn't make sense for someone who wasn't interested in sex to show off so much of their body. It was one of the things I had to learn to ignore. People saw bodies as intrinsically sexual, and there wasn't much I could do about it.

For Bob, I wore one of my short dresses. Not too much, enough to feel like myself. 

Even after talking to him for a few days, seeing Bob through the cafeteria window was comforting. He existed, and his silly expression was real. He was right next to the window, in the corner, almost hidden. Ava stood by the counter, trying not to look in my direction. His hair fell in his face, and the sweater looked twice his size.

The Watchtower had those brown booths and old photos of New York on the wall, but all in black and white with a yellow filter. The milkshakes were named after superheroes, and the Wi-Fi was the best in the area. The bell on the door announced my arrival, and even though that wasn't the intention, my face began to heat up the moment Bob looked at me.

His lips parted slowly, and he froze before standing, looking at me as if I'd brought the sun with me. No one had looked at me like that in a long time.

"Hi..." I approached to introduce myself, but he still hadn't moved. His eyes blinked a few times before he nodded and sat back down. His eyes were definitely blue. "I'm Yel-" I reached out to him, but pulled my hand away. "You already know my name." I laughed.

"You're so pretty..." he sighed, and it was my turn to blink, unresponsive. "Did I say that out loud?" A soft laugh escaped my lips. "I'm sorry. No. I'm not sorry you're pretty. You are pretty! I'm sorry for-" He paused for a moment, giving up. "I'm sorry."

"Thank you." I sat down across from him. At least I wasn't the only one nervous. 

"I don't usually do this. Dating. And apps, it's so... so weird, and I did it to meet new people, and you showed up the same day I did, and here you are!" Bob looked a mix of embarrassed, but pulsing with energy, making him talk a lot, albeit in a hesitant tone. "Do you want to order something?"

"Ah..." I pressed my lips together. I couldn't help but feel nervous, maybe because I shouldn't do this, not with Bob, but I didn't want to have to look for another one. He was right there! "Yeah... can you listen to me for like... 10 minutes without interrupting?" It was his turn to look nervous, and I would love to know what was going through his mind. Bob looked at my face, at the envelope in my hands, and around.

"Okay..." he said, and I took a deep breath.

"Okay." I opened the envelope, taking out the photos and placing them on the table. For a moment, it made me feel like a detective on a TV show and Bucky was my suspect. "This is Bucky." I turned the photos toward him. "Bucky's gay."

Bob looked at the photos. At me. At the photos again.

"And he's my husband." Bob was about to speak when I pointed a finger at him. "Ten minutes!" I reminded him, his lips pursed. "So... I married him knowing he's gay, and that's fine with me. It's just that Bucky's never been with a man, like... ever. And he's 42 now, and I feel like he wishes he could have explored that, but never gave himself a chance, you know? So I wanted to find someone who... would help with that."

If possible, the confusion on his face seemed worse.

"He just needs trust. He's an amazing guy, and he's a great friend. And he would never do it with a stranger, or pay someone, so... I purposely sought out bisexual men so that... you know?! He's really good-looking. I have more photos." I tried to think of something else to say. "I know it's a weird proposal, but he's my best friend. And you can meet him, and if you don't like it, that's okay! I just need you to try." I paused for another moment. "That's it."

Bob opened his mouth to speak. Closed it. Opened it again. He looked at the photos. At me. The photos once more, then leaned over the table between us.

"Is this a prank?" he asked in a whisper.

"No," but I understood the gist. "You can search for “WS Paper” on Google, under the news tab, there's a photo of us both from an award the governor gave. State growth or something." I really didn't remember; it must have been a year since it happened. The picture was cute, and his mom hung it on her wall.

"So you want to find someone to… be with you and your husband? Like a shared boyfriend?" I pressed my lips together.

"Yeah... I don't have much to offer, actually." The confusion on his face was so intense I almost felt sorry for him. I looked around. Ava was still sitting near the cashier, but she wasn't looking at us. "I know it sounds kinda strange, but..." I stood up and moved to his side of the booth, sitting close. "I'll explain."

And I did. Or tried. About how I felt being asexual, how marrying Bucky simply made sense because we could protect each other and my student visa would not last forever. I talked about how it worked well, and were content with our lives, but I was afraid about the future. 

Bob didn't ask me to leave, didn't make nasty comments, he just listened. It was so strange for someone to just listen.

"So you... nothing?"

"I can do it! I know people that are different, but I can... perform. And I like kissing." I laughed a little ashamed, and he smiled. "It's still cool, at least for me. And I've had relationships before, they just didn't last long. I mean... sex is, for almost everyone, the most intimate part of a relationship, and it was a part I was always going to be lacking, even... even performing. So they'd give up."

"What was your longest relationship? Like, before Bucky?" he asked, his fingers playing with the corners of the photos.

"Four months, it was a girl. I tried, really. But she said it was... like playing with a broken doll." He felt sorry for me, I could see it in his expression. Bob was not one to hide. "It's okay, I've heard worse." An ex-boyfriend said it was no different being with me than with a blow-up doll, just that I was prettier.

"If they really liked you, they'd understand."

"Looking for love is exhausting." I sighed. I couldn't believe I was opening up so much to a stranger, but there was a certain comfort in talking to someone who didn't come to judge me. "I just want someone to be by my side, and like me even with... with my problem. And I have Bucky, but I want him to have something for himself too."

"I understand... so, your plan is to introduce me to him or..." he laughed a little. "He might not like me."

"I liked you." We looked at each other, and Bob was blushing. "He'll like you too. And you don't have to... if he's not interested. And if you don't, also! It was still nice to meet you, Robert."

“Bob. Just Bob.”

“Bob.” I repeated. He smiled. 

"So your plan is to introduce me as a friend and make it clear to him that I like men too, and become a..."

"Present figure in our lives," I said, as I had defined in the incredible plan I'd created in my head on the way to town.

"And eventually you'll suggest it could happen… if we're both Bucky and I, we're comfortable with it," he concluded, and I nodded, making him laugh. "That's the craziest thing I've ever heard in my life. The most insane." he looked at me again, and I looked back, waiting for a rejection. “Ok. We can try it.”

“Really?” he nodded, and I let a nervous laugh escape, pulling him into a hug. “Oh my God, thank you.”

It was impulsive and awkward, but after confessing almost my entire life to him and asking him to have sex with my husband, what was wrong with a hug? We hadn't had coffee, but Bob smelled like coffee. It was good. Bob holded me back, so awkward as I was. 

"Thank you so, so much." I was so relieved, but I still needed to let my anxiety speak for a bit. "Are you sure? You can back out and-"

"I am." I pulled away from the hug, but I couldn't stop smiling. I couldn't believe it had worked. Well, not entirely, but I had already managed to get a third of the plan to work. "So..."

"There's a game Sunday night. He joined a baseball team, and they're just practicing, so you're coming with me to be my old college buddy." Bob looked at the photos again, still spread out on the table, and then back at me. "I promise you won't regret it." He smiled at me again.

"I know I won't."

+++

"So you guys have two months to prepare for a real game against the..." I paused, trying to remember the name. "New Jersey Avengers?" I laughed when he nodded, pulling the light from the lamp higher above Bucky's face. "What's your team's name?"

"New Rochelle Thunderbolts." The laugh was louder than I intended, making him laugh too. "Ben chose it!"

"Of course he did." He tried to stop laughing, or I'd smudge the makeup. As the years went by, we both went to parties less and less. It wasn't that Bucky didn't like them, he just had a terrible social mask. He always looked bored or angry to be there, even if he was having a great time.

To keep my touch, I sometimes made him lie down and let me put makeup on his entire face. He even agreed to do drag once, and Bucky would make a beautiful drag, something he disagreed with. Makeup was still fun, though, and I needed someone to train eyeliner.

"I invited a friend over to watch your practice on Sunday."

"A friend? And that person actually exists?" I laughed softly.

"Shut up."

"You literally only talk to Ava!"

"I call Sue every week." 

It was true, but Sue wasn't exactly a friend; she was like a big sister, just like Nat. She was older than Natasha, already had two kids, and was an incredible artist. I didn't make small talk with Sue; I talked about what it would be like with a baby and whether I should try a new major. She was the one for big girl talk.

"He's a friend from MNYU. He's an economics major now. He was an art major before." I lied about the last part.

"It’s good that you are talking to more people."

"You're not more social than me!" I complained.

"I have Ben. And Reed. And Clint. And now eight new teammates because of the team," he boasted.

"I'm going to put glitter all over your face!" He laughed out loud, especially since I must have been sulking. "The year will be over and there will still be glitter on you!"

"That's cruel," he laughed.

"I'm going to join a cheerleading squad and get a bunch of friends!"

"You'd quit in two days." It was true. But the problem wasn't the cheerleading squad, but my recurring habit of giving up on things too quickly. "I'll try to play decently so you don't feel ashamed of me in front of your friend."

"I'll proudly say you're the old man with the baseball bat," he laughed some more.

"There's this guy on the team... Samuel. Sam…" he mentioned, and I waited for him to continue, but remained silent until I went back to painting his eyelid. "He's a few years younger, like four. And he just got to town, but... he's so cool and outgoing. Like, everyone embraced him so quickly.”

"Being extroverted is cool as fuck." I said, he nodded, almost smudging the make-up.

"Sorry."

"On Sunday, you introduce me to Sam, and I'll introduce you to Bob." I continued trying to paint the monarch butterfly I'd made on his eyelid. Bucky wouldn't criticize even if it looked bad; he was too kind for that. "You can be friends too, you and Bob."

"No, you need friends who aren't related to me." I grimaced at him. And yes, if it were just friendship, I would agree. But I just needed the two of them to connect somehow, so Bucky wouldn't immediately reject him when I suggested the... idea!

I still couldn't believe Bob had actually accepted. Part of me wouldn't believe it until late Sunday afternoon, when he showed up at the field. Until then, it was all just a big daydream of mine. I really told him all that, and he agreed? Unreal. 

"I'm done!" I said, and he closed his eyes, putting his hands over his face as he waited for me to take a picture. The butterfly looked nice on his right eye, the left... Well, it was decent enough. I took five pictures before letting him go. "Can I show this one to Ava?"

"Yeep." I moved out of the way, letting him get out of bed to wash his face.

"Use makeup remover, not soap!" I yelled before he started washing his face and came back with his face smeared black from not removing the makeup properly.

"Okay!" he yelled back. There was a message notification from Bob.

"Should I have kept this?" was the message with a photo attached. He'd taken a picture of himself with the picture of Bucky and me, the one from the envelope. I had brought Bucky's ones back, but forgot mine with him. Bucky and I were frowning, pretending to be angry, and Bob was mimicking the expression. I smiled. This could really work.

+++

The team was legit, they even had uniforms, and Bucky was the only one who didn't look ridiculous in it because he was too handsome for anything to actually look ridiculous on his body. Practice was on a field where kids played baseball, and they were actually going to have a game, or in this case, a small display of humiliation against a group of teenagers who had been playing longer than them.

"I feel a little sorry for you guys," I said, looking at the group of boys, the oldest of whom was probably 17, and who were going to crush the middle-aged group my husband proudly belonged to. "You know how to hit the ball, don't you?"

"You have no faith in me..." he falsely complained. The white shirt with the Thunderbolts in red wasn't bad, but the combination with the tight pants wasn't really flattering. "These pants are squeezing my ass."

"I told you to get a bigger size," I laughed, “Go get them, white wolf.” heading to the front row of the terrible bleachers where I and about ten other people sat. They were probably the parents of the teen team. I looked around, trying not to seem too anxious about Bob arriving. There were still about ten minutes until five-thirty when I asked him to come.

Maybe he wouldn't come. Maybe he would. Maybe this was all a terrible idea. I should look further in that fucking app. Maybe for someone not named Bob.

"Bob," I said out loud.

"Hi," he said, and I screamed, because I hadn't seen him arrive, and no one should have heard me talking to myself.

"Oh my god," I said, and started laughing, ignoring the people staring at me and the huge grin on his face. "Sorry, I just... hi." I stood up, giving him a hug, which he took a second to return, still laughing. "I was thinking out loud."

"About me?"

"Yeah..." I admitted, feeling my face flush. "Thinking about your name. Bob." I sat back down, and he sat next to me. Jeans, a black t-shirt with a large Sarasota Springs lettering on it. “It's a very old man's name.” 

"Agree. My dad's name is Robert, too. But he didn't add the "Junior" on mine for some reason, so it is just two Roberts." I nodded. 

"That's Bucky," I said, pointing at Bucky, who was glaring angrily at Ben, who was saying something to him. "And he's not angry, that's just the look on his face when he's paying attention. Or just him naturally. It's his default face."

"Oh..." Bob muttered. "He's the only one who doesn't look like an idiot in this uniform."

"Right?" I smiled. “Ah… thanks for coming here. I didn't think you'd come," I said honestly. Bob looked at me, confused, and I tried not to smile, because he had a funny expression when he was confused. "I mean, I showed up there and asked you to... yeah. It's a weird request."

"It is," he agreed. "I mean, it was the weirdest story I've ever heard. But... I spent a long time kinda alone and just... existing! Your crazy story is the most exciting thing that's happened to me in a long time." He shrugged, looking at the floor. "It's worth a try."

"It'll be cool, I promise." I said, because I felt like it would.

I wasn't going to just push him toward Bucky; I wanted there to have some bond, at least. Bucky wanted to be a father and retire before he was 60, as few people had the chance to do, but his life experiences are really limited. Besides Ava and Walker, no one knew he was gay. Not even Sue, even when they were still working together. He deserved more.

"Bucky's happy I have a new friend, so if he says no for all that, you still can be my friend if you want..." he laughed a little, and nodded. "We can go to, I don't know, Comic Con."

"Do I look like I'll go to Comic Con?"

"Yes." He laughed harder.

"I go to Comic Con." Yelena laughed with him. "A nerd can never hide it for too long, right?!"

"Not really. But I can cosplay with you. I can be Anakin and you can be Padme. In that black seductive dress." He was blushing, and his laughter was loud. I wasn't even that funny. "Bucky can be the gay robot."

"Which one?"

"The golden one, obviously. The gayer." I'd never considered myself easy to get along with, which was one of the reasons I didn't have many friends, but Bob seemed so... familiar. Like I knew him for a long time.

"It's about to start," Bob murmured, and I glanced at the court, but I wasn't sure what I was looking at.

"How do I know if it's going well?"

"If I celebrate, you celebrate with me. You will get there with time." he said, and I nodded. At least he knew how the game worked; I had someone to look up to. Bucky waved at me, and I waved both hands at him, trying to give him the biggest smile I could muster. It would be embarrassing to see him lose to teenagers, but at least he was happy.

And seeing Bucky happy meant the world to me.

(...)

"Is 24-2 too bad?" I asked at the end of the game, when my poor husband came in with a desolate expression, accompanied by Ben and another man I didn't know. Judging by their expressions, it looked terrible, but it was just practice!

"It's horrible," Bob said, "But you said it's their first game as a group, right?" I nodded, but the sad Bucky’s face was making me do a pity smile for him. "It can be improved! I saw worse!"

“Really?”

“No.” I let out a loud laugh. “It was really bad.”

“Babe, we're going to get pizza!” Bucky yelled before getting close enough to introduce himself to Bob. He pulled off the shirt inside the pants, and looked angrily at the cloth like it was its fault for their defeat. “You are Bob, I suppose.” 

“Yeep, nice to meet you.” They shook hands. “Ah… good practice.”

“Yeah… Will be better next time.” Bucky laughed. “Let’s go, I want to eat.” I pulled Bob by his arm before he could find an excuse to not come with us. “Ah, this is Sam. Sam Wilson.” he introduced the other guy. Sam was pretty, his dark skin shining a little with sweat, but he looked good. And was the only good player, the two points was thanks to him. Bucky was a good batter, but a terrible runner. 

“You, Mrs. Barnes, are pretty as hell.” Sam hugged me, and I hugged him back. Most people didn't like hugs, but I did. “You guys look like pulled out of a magazine!” 

“We're just that cool…” I joked back. “This is my friend from college, Bob.” Sam hugged Bob too. I liked him, Bucky needed an extroverted friend. Ben and Reed were great, but very close to Bucky in personality. It would be nice for him to have a more diverse cycle.

“Eat!” Bucky begged, and I smiled at Sam, not needing to drag Bob with me this time, he was walking with us, the pizzeria was two blocks away. 

It was an elaborate attempt to make Bob a present figure. Not just for Bucky, but because I wanted to make sure Bob was a good person. It was silly, but I wanted to feel like I was doing things right even in such a chaotic scenario. A scenario I created, true, but still. 

"So only Sam moved recently," Ben commented, over his third slice of pizza. He was huge, probably seven feet tall and over 220 pounds. Still, he was the most detail-oriented designer on the team, the kind who paid attention to tiny little things and created designs with hundreds of intricate layers. "And Bob too, for college."

"I already lived in New York, doesn't count." Bob was huddled in the booth, sitting to my right, while Bucky was to my left. Sam and Ben were on the other side of the booth. "I stayed in Florida for a while, with my grandmother. Then I went back. I'm almost done, actually."

"I hated MNYU, but it was so different back then." Bucky loved to complain about MNYU, but not for himself, for me. "They're more open to foreigners these days, but I remember when Yelena came in..."

"They've improved a lot, and I have my diploma." I laughed, laying my head on his shoulder for a second. "Where did you move from, Sam?" I asked.

"New Orleans. My dad has this auto parts store here, but he's getting old, you know? The business is good, I just need to keep it going," Sam explained. "My sister already has her business, and it was easier for me to move, so I came with my partner."

"Are you married?" Ben asked.

"Not anymore." Sam laughed. "He didn't like it here, and he would have had to quit a really good job. But it's okay, I'm fine." Everyone fell silent, and I could see the fear in his eyes about the possible homophobia coming from the group.

"Oh, man. I'm so sorry," Ben said, patting him on the shoulder. "Marriage is hard, that's why I've never gotten married."

"You're just afraid of getting married," Bucky joked, and the relief in Sam's eyes was palpable. I smiled at him for a moment.

"You never had even a long-term girlfriend until Yelena showed up," Ben said. "It was what... four months? It was so fast your mom was sure she was pregnant."

"I knew her longer, but yeah, we only dated for four months." Bucky looked at me. "She was perfect, you know?!" I smiled back at him. Seeing the two of us, people might have thought there was romance, but it was easy to see, if you knew how to look. 

Ben didn't know how to look. Bob already knew the "secret." But Sam... Sam realized.

"I have to go, I have class in the morning," Bob said, reaching into his pocket. "How much I-"

"Don't even take the wallet out of your pocket, mate." Bucky pointed at him with his best menacing expression. "You were a guest. A guest to watch a terrible game, but still a guest." Bob laughed and accepted.

"Next time, I'll pay," Bob offered.

"Deal." Bucky nodded, and we both stood up to let Bob pass.

"I'll-" Bob smiled at the group. "Thanks for inviting me, it was really nice." The embarrassed posture seemed standard, but I couldn't blame him when I felt the same way myself. I was used to Ben, but the presence of Sam, and even Bob, made me a little shy.

Bob walked outside, checking his phone, and I glanced at Bucky for a second, getting a nod before following him. Bob was walking quickly, so I only caught up to him outside, standing at the entrance to the pizzeria.

"Lots of people around, huh?" I muttered as I stopped beside him, Bob glanced at me before nodding.

"I'm not very good at this."

"Which makes me even more surprised that you agreed to my plan." He looked at me and for a few seconds, said nothing.

"I think I'd regret it if I said no." He looked to his left, at the end of the street, and glanced at his phone. The car was two minutes away. "And it was really cool... I just need to see you guys three more times before I act like my real self."

"Which is completely insane, I guess. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll."

"Exactly!" He smiled broadly. A black car pulled up in front of us, the driver asked if he was Robert, and Bob nodded at him. "So… We-"

"Are you free on Wednesday?" He nodded several times. "So… I see you on Wednesday. At the Watchtower." Bob nodded a little more before getting inside the car. 

I waved goodbye until the car was out of sight. I should have gone back inside after this, but I stood there, standing outside the restaurant, feeling something flutter in my chest. I couldn't quite put my finger on what I was feeling, but it was good. A promising start to whatever the future held for all of us.

Chapter Text

I couldn't say if Bucky truly believed in God, he didn’t like to talk about it, but he was raised Catholic. Our wedding was in a Catholic church, and I attended church with him for years until I gave up completely. His grandmother was saddened by my complete lack of faith, but she accepted it better because I continued to attend occasionally and used the rosaries. 

We went to Mass every Monday night and Sunday morning. Or in this case, Bucky went on Sunday mornings. I only went along on the rare occasions when I woke up early, which wasn't very often. Yet Monday night, after work, we'd go to church, and I'd stay next to Bucky, reciting the words of the Mass like a good and fake catholic.

The blank look in my face was unfortunately inevitable, but his family accepted it as something natural from myself after I'd gotten through my depressive period still going to church with Bucky. None of them knew I was depressed, of course. 

During those years, I was practically a doll. More than once, Bucky helped me shower and comb my hair. I had lost Natasha months before our wedding, but it seemed the pain of her absence only reached me months later.

Perhaps my mind had been slow to grasp that I had no one left. No grandparents. No parents. No sister, and in a country that wasn't mine. Twenty one and alone in the world. Bucky was all I had. So I felt a great void, that lasted for some years, until he helped me out. 

I could never thank him enough, which only made it more important to me that Bucky could be happy too. 

"You're giving Mr. Smith stink eyes again," Bucky muttered, but there was still a smile on his face, he found my angry demeanor funny. I was not good at hiding my feelings.

After Mass, we had an almost mandatory moment of interaction with the family and a group of ladies who were obsessed with our wedding. Mrs. Smith, my great nemesis, kept talking about how I should hurry up and have a baby before my 30’s, which was already the plan, but the fact that she "pressed" me made me angry. 

"Aunt Lena, your dress is pretty." I looked down at Peter, who only came to Mass because his mother made him, and was too young to say no. He hugged my legs, wrapping his tiny arms around the long green skirt of the dress.

"Uncle Bucky bought it for me," I said.

"Uncle Bart says you dress good because Uncle Bucky wants..." he paused for a moment to think, "he wants to show off. Because Uncle Bucky is rich and Uncle Bart is poor." I spat out a laugh when the little boy's mom, Bucky's grandmother, and Bucky’s mother turned at the same time after that sentence. 

"Peter!" Rebecca, Peter’s mom, scolded.

"You know how Bart is..." Grandma tried to help. Bucky's grandmother didn't like Uncle Bart either; he had married one of her daughters, Marienne. Bart was a complete loser, only having a job because Rebecca’s husband offered one. "He wanted to buy Marienne nice clothes too."

"But Mommy said he… use all his money to games! And he lose!" Peter, at the height of his five-year-old self, was determined to embarrass his family while still inside the church. "He should buy dresses for Auntie. She not lose dresses." 

“Peter!” 

“He has a point.” Bucky said, “Don’t scold him, ok?! It’s fine.” he asked his sister, who nodded along. Peter had the biggest eyes looking from Bucky to his mom, and I tried not to laugh more. 

“Don’t talk about this with Marianne. None of you!” she asked back, pointing at me too.

“Alright. Now a last hug for autie Lena!” I smiled at Peter, who came again for another hug, pressing me as hard as his little arms could get, before his mom took him out. Peter probably would be free from his church duties for some weeks after that. “I love kids this age.”

“They can say what they want, it’s perfect.” Bucky agreed. 

Even though I wasn't a big fan of going to church, especially on a Monday night after work, Bucky kept the tradition and always came home discussing a variety of things, which was always good, cause Bucky was way too good at being completely silent. Natasha used to say he was loud before, that he went to parties and crazy sidequests.

Then at 20, he stopped.

They started college at the same time, and Bucky completely isolated himself, keeping only Sue and Natasha close. The circle of friends only grew when Sue started dating Reed, which brought Ben along because the two boys were best friends. When I met Bucky, I was 18 and he was 33. In a different context, we never would have gotten married. Even his temporary relationships to pretend to be heterosexual were with women in his age range.

It was a big gap. Our marriage, of course, had nothing to do with love. Not in the conventional sense.

"Do you think the house is small?" Bucky asked as soon as we got home. He'd bought the house shortly after the wedding, one with a garden, because he'd put me out on the lawn at eight in the morning and leave me there for half an hour like a plant doing photosynthesis. "I mean, it's a big house for the two of us, but... you know?"

"It's a baby. Just one. Uno. Adeen." I reminded him, kicking off my shoes.

"What if it's twins?"

"We can't even get one, let alone two!" He started laughing, sitting down in the kitchen chair. The house was big. The living room was big. The bedrooms were big. It even seemed like there was too much space sometimes. "Adoption is totally possible. We can adopt a baby."

"I know." He sighed, loosening his tie, and gave me a sad look. "It's my fault. I mean... I'm over forty..."

"There are men in their eighties who have children, okay?!" His expression didn't improve. "Did your grandmother say anything? You look way too sad."

"That she dreamed about the baby." It was I who sighed this time. Of course the old woman dreamed about the baby. "It was a little girl, named Natasha. And she was blonde like you." He gave a pained smile. "I didn't even know what to say! They're full of hope, I should never have said anything, now they need it to happen as soon as possible."

“You don’t owe anything to your family, Bucky.” I said, but he didn’t reply. He never did. “Me and you, remember?”

“I know…” he got up, walking to me till he could give me a hug. “It would be so much easier if I was… normal.”

“If you are not normal, I'm also not normal.” We knew that seeing ourselves as defectives was no help, but it was hard to not feel that way. Sometimes my exes' words came back to my mind, haunting my thoughts. My lack of desire made me like a broken toy. Natasha used to say it could work if they really loved me. But they did! For some time, at least. I just couldn’t satisfy any of them long enough for them to stay. “Bucky, you-”

I stopped. My suggestion would be about Bob, how easy it would be to have the experience if he needed, and really wanted. But it was too soon. Bucky was a scared cat, his natural reaction was to run away from everything that could be risky. He needed to know Bob a little more. And honestly, I needed to know more about him too. Just to be sure.

“We should go out. There is this new bar in the West Village…” I herded Johnny talking about this that morning, and how cool the place was, and everyone and everything looked fancy. “Bob invited us.”

“I like this one. Bob,” he laughed. “He reminds me of you.”

“Every quiet person reminds you of me.” 

“Yeah, you have a point. But it's something else, I can't really describe it,” He held my face, looking serious. “I’m going to a doctor. I should have already, but I'm doing it now. If something is wrong, we can try insemination.” I nodded. “You can put your theater training in good use and cry if someone says something mean.”

“Oh, I will make Bart feel so bad!” I laughed out loud, making him laugh too. “Marienne will leave his ass.”

“Oh my god, do it! It would be my dream.” he walked out the kitchen, heading to our room. Bucky was genuinely worried, he chose to ignore the possibility of having a health issue, or even being infertile, because the idea of him being the problem made his attitude about himself even worse. “I’m going to sleep, don’t stay up all night!” he said, and I pressed my lips, feeling my chest tightening. 

He really needed to free himself a little bit. And needed to happen before something so big, like a literal baby, comes into our lives. 

+++

I hated Wednesdays. They were my worst creative days, and they were even worse when there wasn't much to do at the factory and I had time to spare to think about things I shouldn't. So, every now and then, I'd take a Wednesday off.

That Wednesday would be for Bob.

I was excited to meet him, which was new for me because I didn't like leaving the house, but I did it. I woke up in the morning and voluntarily drove to New York. Bob didn't have classes on Wednesdays and Fridays, and my plan was to suggest we go to the fancy bar in the West Village that Friday. Bucky just needed a glass of wine to start hugging strangers and calling them best friends. That was what I needed to make it work.

There was room for parking in front of the Watchtower this time, and Bob was waiting for me. I could see him from the window, looking around, swaying as if listening to music, or maybe he was, I couldn't tell. 

Bob smiled at me when I walked in, and I smiled back, but something was clearly wrong. His face seemed paler, and he was blinking hard, as if struggling to stay awake. I sat in the booth across from him, and he smiled wider, but nervously.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” I said back. 

"Today's your day off... I mean, do you have any plans? Like... I'm going to lunch with you and Bucky?" He had an idea, unlike me, who just wanted to know more about him. Bucky thought Bob was an old friend from college, so I wanted to know enough to feel like he really was. 

"Actually, I didn't think about that... I just wanted to... see you." He smiled again, and his eyes blinked more. "Is everything okay?"

"Yes, yes... yeah, I'm fine. Do you want coffee?" I didn't know Bob very well, but I could tell when someone was lying to me. "Cappuccino?" I nodded, watching him get up and go to the register. His hand was shaking, the credit card was moving while paying. I waited for him to come back before asking.

"Bob?" He sat down, looking at me confused. "What are you feeling?"

"Nothing." The smile barely reached his face. “It’s… it’s all good.”

It was not. I could really tell.

"Ah... I'm going to the bathroom. D-Don't move." I nodded, following him with my gaze until he was out of sight. The bathrooms were behind the register, out of sight. 

I figured his nervousness as a bad sign; maybe Bob didn't want to be a part of it. Maybe he was scared. Maybe he was just worried about the consequences of interfering in a wedding, even one like mine and Bucky's. was understandable. No one could deny that it was a strange dynamic.

The waiter brought Bob and my cappuccino. I'd been to the Watchtower enough times to know the only way out was through the front door, and as time passed, I drank my coffee and Bob's went cold; I knew he hadn't left. I tried not to get paranoid.

At ten minutes, I saw the staff whispering to themselves. At fifteen, another guy went to the bathroom and knocked on the door, but I couldn't hear if there was an answer. The boy tried a few more times before giving up. At twenty-five, I went there myself.

"Bob?" I called, knocking lightly on the door. Nothing. I pressed my ear against the wood, no sound. "Bob, open the door." Very softly, almost imperceptibly, I could hear a whimper.

I walked back to the register.

"So... Do you have another key for the bathroom?" I asked. "I think my friend passed out in there." The girl at the register gave her colleague a desperate look, who nodded, and she pulled a key from one of the drawers. I'd been nervous before, but now I feel panicked.

What would I do if he'd passed out? Should I wake him up first? Even though Ava thought he had money, it was hard to know if he could afford a hospital. 

The girl unlocked the door, making room for me to enter, and I was relieved not to see a body lying on the floor, but it wasn't long before I saw him behind the door, huddled against the wall, his eyes squeezed shut.

"Bob..." I moved closer, crouching down beside him.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." he began to repeat, turning his face away as if trying to hide the fact that he was crying. "It shouldn't be like this, everything was fine, I'm so sorry." he seemed to be having an anxiety attack, his body was still trembling.

"It 's okay..."

"You shouldn't see me like this, I was fine, I swear I was." Bob was a tall man; the attempt to shrink made almost no difference; he was too big to be able to make himself smaller. "I'm sorry, I..." he closed his eyes, pressing his lips too, seeming to wish this wasn't happening.

"Anxiety?" He stared at me for a second.

"Bipolar." It made sense. 

The look in his eyes was one of shame. He was ashamed of having a breakdown in public, of me seeing him like that. Of having the door opened to take him away. I understood perfectly, because I'd been through the same thing before. My difference was that Bucky was the one who watched and took me to the hospital thinking I was dying. 

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize.” I guaranteed.

His mind was in a bad place, as mine used to be. I still took medication, much weaker than I used years ago, but part of me accepted the fact that I would never be completely normal.

"Do you want to go home?" Bob shook his head. "Do you want to... drive around until you feel good to get home then?" He looked at me again, and I smiled. "It helps. Really helps. I will be with you… all the time." 

I held out my hand to him, and getting him to stand up seemed harder than it should have been, because his body was becoming aware that he was being watched, and pulled him down. 

I held his hand tightly and smiled at the girl at the register. The waiter opened the door for us, and I'd never been so grateful to have parked in front of the coffee shop. 

“I’m dirty.” he murmured. 

“It’s alright.” I said. “I have… sanitizer inside. Just go.” I opened the car door, letting Bob in, and walked around to do the same. He was shaking a little less, and I smiled as I offered him hand sanitizer, but I couldn't tell if it was helping. He looked so pale. 

So for a moment, we just stood there, silent, side by side in the car.

"I ruined your day off..." Bob murmured.

"You didn't ruin anything." I turned to him, and he did the same. "Bob… Do you accept the proposal... you accepted help me in mania or-"

"No." He leaned his head against the glass, but turned to look at me. "I take medication, you know? And... I was fine. Stable. I don’t know what went wrong…" He sighed loudly. "I just want to live. And you showed up..." He sniffed. "I... I want more than just going to class and wasting time on my phone." I nodded. "I'm sorr-"

"No more apologies," I said. "It’s alright. We'll drive until we're stuck in traffic for two hours, ok?!" He laughed a little. "It 's alright."

“Okay…”

Bob didn't say anything else for hours. I turned on the air conditioning, and continued driving without a clear direction. Bucky did that to me in crises, and it probably helped him too back then. We weaved in and out of the streets until we got lost and had to turn on the GPS. New York was much bigger, much more chaotic, but at that moment, the car was a quiet bubble.

"That song has already played three times," he commented and I nodded. It was one of the reasons I'd stopped listening to the radio. 

"You know that song, 'Moves Like Jaegger'? My sister made a game once where every time it came on the radio, she'd take a shot. She got so drunk she passed out." Bob laughed a little.

"Back then, it played less often when a song was popular. Now it is so repetitive," he muttered. Talking back was good, he stopped shaking too. "How old was she? When..."

"34," I murmured. "She and her best friend, Sue, got into a car accident. Sue got better after a few weeks."

"I'm sorry."

"Thanks." I looked around as I stopped at the traffic light, the only thing I knew was that I left Manhattan. "You are an only child?"

"Yes. My mom had trouble getting pregnant. I'm a miracle baby." He laughed a little. "It cost a lot of money, actually, but miracle sounds nicer." He rubbed his eyes, still breathing heavily and unevenly. "Maybe it would have been better for them to give up than having me."

"Don't say that. Who else would be with me now to make my husband gay?" He laughed harder this time.

"He 's already gay."

"I need him to be more! Right now his gayness it’s only for picking out my clothes." Bob glanced at me longer this time.

"All your clothes?"

"All of them." I could feel Bob looking at me as whole.

"He has good taste."

"How are you feeling?" I changed the subject. 

"Better." He sighed. "If you hadn't gotten me out of there, I would have stayed in that bathroom for hours. Or until someone breaks down the door and kicks me out."

"I... it's happened to me before. Mostly the same, I guess. At an Ikea. I hid behind a wardrobe, Bucky almost called the police." I started laughing at the memory; now that was over, it was funny. "It made perfect sense in my head to hide there."

"Behind a wardrobe?"

"Yeah." Hearing him laugh comforted me. "The bathroom was a much better idea." I could feel his gaze on me, but I kept looking straight ahead, the traffic being the best excuse to avoid blushing.

"Turn here!" he urged, pointing right. "And take the second left. Up ahead."

"You live around here?" He made a noise of agreement. "In Brooklyn. And you live alone." Another agreement sound. "You're rich, rich!"

"My dad owns a security company, The Sentry. So original… The main office is here. He did Economics in school, and I'm doing too. The idea is to keep the company running, even if I'm the crazy heir."

"Don't say that!" I insisted again. 

"I am... I mean, who wants a CEO who hides in the bathroom to cry for no reason?"

"There are much worse people out there. You just needed time." I looked around as I began to recognize the streets. It was so familiar… "My sister lived around here," I murmured, "With two other roommates." It was the same street. The street where Nat lived.

"That building over there. The red one, you can stop in front." He pointed, and my chest tightened at the sight of the five-story, red-brick building. It was the same building where Natasha lived so many years ago. "The apartment belongs to my grandma. She said it was expensive back then, but I'm sure it's worth a lot today, and it would be expensive even for my da- what happened?"

"Nat lived here." I didn't realize my hands were shaking until I parked the car. It had been so long since I'd been in that place. There wasn't much to keep; most of her clothes didn't fit, and I just saved a few books and CDs. Bucky and I donated most of her stuff, there was a homeless shelter nearby that needed it most. 

"Oh... do you want to-" I jumped out of the car before he could finish. At the time, she was living with Sue and Jennifer Walters, a girl who was finishing law school. I lived with them for a while until I started college and was able to stay in the dorms. Bob got out of the car. "Everything okay?" I nodded.

"For such a big city, New York seems so small sometimes," I muttered.

“She was my grandma's neighbor," Bob said. “Maybe they knew each other.” 

“Yeah…” the idea made me smile.

"You want... I mean, you're a girl and I live alone, and you don't know me that well. We can go to another coffee shop, I promise I won't feel bad again." I looked at him, his attention to this was kinda new, most guys wouldn’t realize. "My study group is all women. They keep me humble."

"They taught you well." I laughed, looking back at the building. I was not ready to get in there. "Is there any bakery nearby?" he murmured in agreement. "Okay, let's go then. Walk is good." 

“There is one that way,” Bob headed to the right, and I walked beside him. "I know Bucky's gay and all, but he doesn't mind you being with me? like, at all?"

"No."

"You sure?" I took my phone out of my dress pocket, opening the messages from my beloved husband.

Yelena:

Hi

I'm with Bob right now

We're having hardcore sex

so crazy

A minute later he replied.

Bucky:

That 's great

going to make lasagna for dinner

Invite him over, Ava's coming with John

Bob looked at the message in disbelief and laughed.

"He's really going to make lasagna. Ava and John are friends, and they're great, really easy to get along with. Ava went to MNYU too." 

"I'm not going to risk meeting new people this week, especially today. But next week, for sure. Count me in," I nodded, understanding the situation perfectly. "It 's over there," He pointed across the street, and maybe it was instinctive, but Bob held my hand as he led me across. I didn't pull away, just let him do it. Bucky did the same sometimes.

"I was thinking about going out this weekend with Bucky. You could come along. We aren't new people, you already know us." He looked at me for a moment.

"Okay… Saturday." He smiled. "I promise not to freak out again."

"Okay," I agreed, and his hand kept holding mine until we were in front of the bakery, only letting go when he opened the door for me to enter. The touch gave me a funny feeling in my chest, and I moved my fingers when the sensation got a little stronger. Yet, I wasn't going to dwell on it.

I would not.

+++

Bucky being excited about leaving our house was rare; this was one of the reasons we got along. He was the introvert Natasha adopted, like a stray feral kitten she found by the streets. We liked the comfort of a familiar environment. I didn't like going out either, and did it twice in one week. A record.

And just as I expected, Bucky just needed a glass of wine to clear his mind of his worries. That was one of the reasons we took an Uber there. I didn't know if Bob could actually drink, but he was drinking. With half of a wine glass he would laugh at anything. Literally anything. Which made me think he might not have a drink in a long time.

The place was less fancy than I expected, still quite expensive, and had the "exclusivity" of a beautiful view of the city at night.

"I'm running more, but it's much harder than I thought it would be." Bucky had an arm around me in a booth, Bob was at my side, so close that perhaps in another city, people would be more judgmental. There? No one cared. "Sam is... perfect. He runs, and he hits. And he catches. And he didn't even play before!"

"He said he played in high school," I remembered.

"That's true." Bucky finished his glass of wine, pouring himself another. Two was his maximum. "I never played shit! I had asthma as a kid."

"I was a goalkeeper," Bob said. "I was the tallest of my class."

"I was a goalie too!" I said. "But I just didn't want to run as much." Bob and Bucky laughed.

"She was one foot tall!" Bucky said. "There's this team picture of her that size." He moved his hand to mark my tiny height. "Her teammates were two feet taller than her."

"Oh, I wasn't that small!"

“I will find food in this place.” Bucky said out of the blue, getting up. Bob looked at me, and I smiled at him. I could see he was fine this time, it was obvious on his face, but I couldn't resist the urge to ask.

"How are you feeling?"

"I’m good. After you left, I slept all day." He laughed a little, taking a sip of wine. "I'm doing everything right, you know? Psychologist, meds and all... but I've had this since I was a kid, these low moments. I was born defective."

"Don't say it like that!"

"You don't talk about yourself that way?" I opened my mouth to reply, but didn't. I really wasn't my biggest fan. "Look at you..." he laughed a little, "We can always see a fellow depreciator."

"Whatever." I made a face at him.

"You look beautiful," he said, and looked away at the table. "Did Bucky pick this dress?" I nodded. The skirt of the black dress was so short that if I shifted my posture a little, I'd show my panties. "Does his family know he buys all your clothes?"

"Yes."

"How did they not notice?"

"He once said he likes to show me off, and I think everyone accepted the idea." I laughed. And the more I looked like a hot wife, the better his argument seemed.

It helped that people imagined someone asexual as a plank of wood. Or a nun. Someone hidden away, who didn't show off their body at all, so even if I said I was asexual, none of them would probably believe it.

"If he... if he wasn't gay, if he were just a guy. What would it be like?"

"I don't know. Accepting me is the hard part. Most people understand at first... it lasts a few months, and then it becomes unbearable for them. I've been with Bucky for years, none: "you don't really love me or you would have sex with me”. Who else would?" 

Bob nodded a few times, taking a big sip of wine.

"There's no food here!" Bucky returned, completely disgusted. "A bar this fancy should have food."

"There's a 5 Guys down the street," Bob said.

"Good. We're going there. You're amazing, Bob," Bucky said, pointing a finger at him. "When you graduate, you should work with us."

"He will work for his dad, Bucky," I said, laughing a little.

"Sam doesn't want to work for me either! We have benefits. Good ones." He rested his head on my shoulder. "If you change your mind, just say so."

"Thanks." Bob finished his glass of wine.

"I  shouldn't even be eating a burger..." Bucky pretended to lament. "I'm an athlete now."

"Oh, I’m sure." I waved to the waiter, asking for the check. "You have to outrun Sam if you want to win against the New Jersey Avengers." I laughed, the name really making the experience that much better.

"Sam is so cool," Bucky said. "You're cool too, Bob. But Sam is more cool." He really was the most sociable drunk, and that was just after two glasses. "You remind me of Lena. You both are similar in a different way."

"It's the depression," I said, making Bob spit out a laugh.

"Yeah... you can see it in the eyes. We can always see it in the eyes." Bucky held Bob's gaze for a few seconds. That was good, he was really looking at him. "You... you're cool."

"Like Sam?" Bob asked, smiling.

"Sam's the coolest. But you're cool, and Lena's happy to have a college friend around." Bob gave an embarrassed smile that almost gave away our non-academic relationship if Bucky hadn't been so drunk to notice anything. “Cool Bob.”

"You need a burger. Now. Let's go." I pushed his drunken ass out of the booth. He'd be soberer after eating, and at home... I would finally put my plan into action. 

(...) 

"Was this the most expensive Uber we've ever taken?" Bucky asked, kicking off his shoes. He wasn't drunk anymore, but was excited, which was enough for me. "No... the New Year's Eve one was a fortune. The accountant thought we'd been scammed."

"New Year's... we were lucky to even find an Uber." I took off my shoes, sitting on one of the kitchen chairs. "Bucky?" I called. He opened the fridge, taking out a bottle of water. 

“Yeah?” He looked inside a little longer. “Is it bad to drink soda?”

“Don’t, you will vomit.”

“Ok…” he turned to me, waiting. 

"Ah... I need you to do something before we actually start the preparations about... about the baby." His eyes grew worried; I could see how tense he was by the way he held the bottle.

"Is there something... Lena? It’s something wrong?" I shook my head, letting out a sigh. 

"I need you to... be with a man." Saying it out loud was as awkward as thinking it. I could see the confusion in his eyes, as if I'd said something absurd, which it might have been, under any other circumstances. "You're 43 now, and will be 44 in a few months. When this child is born, you'll probably be 45 already."

"What does it matter?" Bucky put the bottle down on the table, and could see he was getting irritated.

"It matters that you've been running away for yourself for longer than I've been alive." There was no denying it; Bucky had known he was gay since he was very young. I was a baby when he kissed Steve in school. A whole life, trapped in denial. "I'm not telling you to... I just don't want you to wake up one day, and resent me and the baby for never getting what you wanted."

"That's not-"

"No?" I insisted. "Can you promise me that wouldn't happen?" He pressed his lips together, looking at me steadily. "You've never lied to me. So promise me, now, that you'll never resent the fact that you chose me and never slept with a man."

The silence stretched, weighing heavily between us. He couldn't even keep his angry expression; he was sad. So sad. 

"I always said I didn't care, and I don’t. I knew who I married. No one will find out. You can have this." His eyes dropped to the floor, then to me, to the water bottle, and back to me. His mind connecting the dots. 

"Bob...?" he said, and I smiled at his realization.

"It doesn't have to be him. But... he's willing. If you want." Bucky took a deep breath, rubbing his face between his hands. “He knows about me, and you. And is a good guy.”

"Your mind is..." he leaned closer, cupping my face between his hands. "I love your crazy little head." I laughed a little. "You planned this whole thing. Of course you did, you..."

"I'll be happier, and so will be little Natasha, if you're happy." He nodded, and I sighed in relief, realizing he understood why I'd done all this. "Bob's a nice one. He 's bi. And you have time to think, or to find someone else. Just take the necessary precautions, and you'll be fine."

"I would never put you at risk. Ever."

"I know you wouldn't." I hugged him, and Bucky squeezed me tightly. "Happy Bucky, happy Yelena, and happy baby Natasha." He laughed a little, pressing a kiss to my hair. "You have all the time you need, okay? If not him, another. But I need you to do this. For us."

"Okay…” he sighed. “Thank you."

And there was no turning back.

Chapter Text

Halloween was an important day for me. I never got into cosplay, not properly, but I loved to dress up, so every year I made costumes for myself, and since I got married, I did for Bucky too. He never mocked my effort, and liked to participate as much as myself. Or he did, before being paranoid about not being healthy enough to be a father. He spent the whole week in emergency appointments with doctors, trying to get a result as soon as possible, ignoring even the baseball practices, and making me worried as hell. 

Ava was having a really awful week and had to go see her family back in London, Sue knowing about the problem would mean Reed knowing too, and Bucky would be sad with me, because Reed would talk to him about it. So I came for the only one I had at that moment: the guy I met two weeks ago.

“Hi, Bob.” 

I wasn’t one for visits. I didn't make them, and usually didn't like receiving them too, but I almost craved to visit him, especially after knowing about where Bob lived. After Nat’s death, I didn't come back to the building. Bucky did, he took everything to his mother’s house, at that time he hadn't bought our house yet, and we saved a few itens. 

“It’s okay for you?” Bob asked, standing by my side on the sidewalk. 

“Yeah, is… it’s fine.” he looked for me, to the car, and the many bags I had in the backseat. 

“What is this? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“I sew my own costumes for halloween, and we wanted to do something cool this year.” Bob looked at me with a smile, “And we probably will go to a comic con, right?! I promised you that we would go. There’s always one by the end of the year.”

“Yeah, the comic con…” he laughed a little. “I will try to pull off as Anakin Skywalker this year.”

“I can be… Jar Jar Binks!” I said, making him laugh louder. His laugh was funny, he snorted, it made me laugh more. 

“But… You sent a message to know if I was home two hours ago, what happened?”

"Yeah... I needed to talk to someone other than my husband," I said honestly.

"Oh... okay. Do you want to come in this time? I... bought a cake. Since you were coming... So..." I smiled and nodded. I wanted to go and see the place, so I followed him inside.

Nothing had really changed since the last time I was there. Maybe just the clock on the wall above the only elevator, they put a digital one, the old one was a pointer clock. The walls still had an ugly yellowish tint, and those details like wooden moldings on the walls were still there. The place hadn't really changed at all.

"Where did she live?"

"On the fifth floor."

"I wonder what it was like going up with the refrigerator..." I laughed.

"From what she said, they dragged up the stairs, and Bucky almost broke his finger." I hugged my body as we entered the elevator. Was it irresponsible to go to his house? I didn't interact with people enough to know, but he made me feel safe enough. "Bob?"

"Hmm?"

"Ah... Do you talk to other people? Besides me? Like... people you met on the app?" The doors opened on the second floor. There were four apartments per floor, they were nice and big as fuck. It was an old building, from a time when homes were built for entire families to live in and not be cramped into spaces smaller than shoe boxes. And obviously they cost a fortune; renting divided by three girls was the only way Nat could afford to live there.

"I tried." I followed him down the hallway to the right. "I'm not very good at this... meeting people kinda thing. I deactivated the account right after you gave me your number." He stopped in front of the door and opened it. "Not that... I mean, it's not a focus on you, it's just... it's tiring."

"You only meet one person at a time?" He just smiled and pushed the door open. "Bob!"

"It's tiring!" He was silent for a second. "Come in, it's... I..." Bob stopped talking, and I went inside. “I talked to others, but it died out quickly, so…” 

It was the same layout as Natasha's apartment: a smaller living room, a second and bigger living room that connected to the kitchen. Bob's apartment was bigger than hers though, or maybe it was just empty, because it only had a couch and a TV on the wall as furniture. 

Books were piled high on the floor, leaning against the walls to support. There was a painting easel and an old mannequin dressed in his clothes, a big shirt and jeans secured with two elastic bands to prevent it from falling, Bob even drew two dots as eyes.

"What is this for?"

"My grandma had a store and this stayed behind, I didn’t want to leave her naked." 

“Her.” I laughed.

“I call her Lindy. I was planning to draw a full face on her,” There were paint pots on the floor around the easel and around “Lindy”. The canvas was mostly blank, with just a single black brushstroke. "I tried a smiling face but it looked creepy, so I left just the dots... I'll try again." I nodded. The kitchen at least had all the essentials: a microwave, stove, refrigerator, and a giant Amazon box with more canvas inside.

"This cake is huge," I said, walking over and seeing the chocolate cake on the small table. It looked amazing too. "Oh..." I looked at him. "You're going to eat this cake for the next two days and not have a real meal until Monday, right?" He looked at me in shock.

"How...?"

"I used to do that too. Mostly with pizza." I laughed, pulling up a chair. "Excuse me."

"Go ahead. Seriously." He fidgeted with his wrists, nervously. "And about your question, I... I talked to other girls, okay? And two guys. But you seemed to understand me more. So I just kept you."

"It's the depression." He laughed. “We connect by the sadness in our eyes.”

"Actually, it makes sense to be." he sat across from me. “The sadness really bonded us. But… what happened that you can’t talk to Bucky?”

"I talked to him about... about you. And the proposal. And I gave him your number, but I'm sure he hasn't talked to you yet." Bob shook his head, confirming my theory. "He's... he's tense, because... we're thinking about having a child, you know?" The shock in his eyes was palpable. "Yeah... and he's tense with the idea that he might not be able to, and I'm afraid he'll get so worried that he'll give up on doing what I asked him to do."

"A child?" Bob repeated. I nodded. “Like, you want to have a baby for real?”

"It's kind of... confusing for me too," I admitted. "I think... that I would be a good mother. And... Love is so scarce for me, that maybe my child's love would be... rewarding, in a way." Bob looked at me strangely; it didn't seem like pity, nor judgment, but I couldn't tell what it was. “It’s sounds bad, right?”

“No, it’s… love can’t be that rare for you. Like… I know you just for some days, but… you are lovable.”

I just smiled. I had accepted the idea that romantic love would never come to me, so love in other forms was what I should seek. I had close friends in Ava and Bucky, less close but still meaningful friends in Sue and Walker. I had family in Bucky's family... and I would have my child.

"So... Ah, you're going to be inseminated?" I nodded. "Okay... and you think he'll ignore everything until he is a hundred percent sure that there is nothing wrong with him." I nodded again. He swallowed, standing up and heading toward the cabinets next to the microwave. "I'll be honest, you two are weird people, and that is something considering I'm crazy."

"You're not crazy!" He shrugged, pulling two plates from the cabinet and different-sized forks and knives from the drawer below. 

“I am, okay type of crazy… And I’m good with it.” he sighed. "My dad wants me to have kids too, but I don't think it would be a good idea to have one. Not with my fucked up genes." He returned to the table with the items. "It would... What if the child is like me? With... a mind like mine. Or worse."

"Bob..."

"It's reality. The chances of the baby being born with bipolar disorder or worse are really high. And it will be my fault; I passed it on to them." I didn't have an argument for that, because I thought the same thing. My mother had depression, just like I did. Would my son have it too? "My grandmother left me these colorful plates." He deflected the subject.

"I want the green one," I asked, pulling the porcelain object. Bob kept the blue one.

“I fear to be a bad father too… a bipolar father raising a bipolar child…”  

“You are aware of your limitations, it’s a good start. Maybe you could do good as a dad. You  have the means to seek help too… I don’t know… maybe…” I didn’t know what else to say. Bob didn’t say anything for a few minutes too, then turned to me.

"I know you mentioned before... but what's it like? I... I imagine you and Bucky tried the... natural method. And probably wasn’t that good cause he doesn’t like… girls. But I presume you both tried." His hesitation in speaking about it was funny; I understood the embarrassment, because I would feel the same way if it were the other way around.

"He tried his best. It’s not awful. It's like..." My gaze wandered until I looked at the cake. "It's like a chocolate cake.” Bob laughed.

“What?”

“It’s like… eating a chocolate cake when you're really full. You are not hungry at all. The cake isn't bad, it's actually really good, but I don't want to eat it, I don't feel like it. And I wish I did, but I don't."

"But you eat it. Sometimes." he concluded.

"I do. Sometimes. Because it's still a chocolate cake, it's not bad! And the person eating with me wants it so much, and it’s important to them. But since I don't want to eat most of the time... the person gets upset with me. They get sad and resentful, and… they give up..." I trailed off, sighing softly. 

"I still think it would work with someone who loves you."

"It worked... usually for the first six months. Then they get tired. Everyone gets tired." I gave him a sheepish smile.

“They didn’t loved you enough.” 

“I feel broken, most of the time. Intimacy is so important for everyone, and I can deliver properly. It’s really like… like I’m a broken toy.” Talking about it made me feel sad, an anguish lingering on my chest. “I tried so much to fix this. I don’t even feel like I accept it…” It was one of the reasons I could never judge Bucky for keeping his homossexuality repressed, because in a way, we were the same.

"I still disagree. The love you give is intimate enough, they just didn’t appreciate it." Bob was looking at me, and made my chest flutter at that moment. “It’s different, but not wrong.” 

He cut a slice for himself and another for me; it was the chocolateiest chocolate cake I'd seen in ages. Bob took a bit, with the most satisfied look on his face. 

"Hmm, I'll survive on this and ramen noodles... perfect." I laughed a little.

"You don’t know how to cook?"

"I know how, but... you know?!" I laughed a little more. "You want me to do something... about Bucky and… everything? You want me to seduce your husband?" I laughed louder this time. "Are you finding my seduction funny?"

"You don't seduce."

"I could!"

"Okay, how would you do it?" I asked, and his face immediately turned red. "Seduce me."

“What?”

“Seduce me. Pretend I’m Bucky.” he looked at me, right into my eyes, and suddenly I was the nervous one. I shouldn’t have asked that.  

"It's not the same thing.” Bob looked down to his plate, his ears were red too. 

"It is not?"

"Men are... simple creatures. But I'll be honest, I have no idea how to seduce anyone. And I only dated one guy ever, for two months. We met on an app too. It was shit." He ate one more bit before continuing. "All my relationships were horrible, but part of it was because I took too long to get a diagnosis so after the mania passed, I isolated myself and ignored them. The cycle was… tiring. For everyone. At least none hate me or something, they talk to me sometimes, to know if I’m still alive, I guess."

“You were…”

“I tried.” He cleared his throat, "But I'm much better now. I want to get better. And live. I really do."

"I'm glad to hear it." I reached out for his hand, and Bob let me take it. His hands were cold and a little sweaty; it wasn’t a bother. "I feel like I talked so much and nothing at the same time." I laughed, pulling my hand back and finally taking a bite of the cake. It was really good.

"I think it's okay to be worried about your husband. But he doesn't seem like the type to text me for a photo of my dick." I almost spilled the cake with my laugh. “He seems to be the romantic type, so he will take some time, even in a situation like this.”

I was still laughing when a new idea popped into my head.

"Come to the Halloween party with us!" I asked.

"What?"

"The Halloween party! There are two that we always go to. The Meldrin Bar’s one is the biggest, and there's a contest that we join every year, Bucky loves it. You can go to that one; the other is a company party, it’s employee only." He still looked at me confused. 

"It's a bit far until Halloween. Do you think it will take that long?" Yes, Halloween was less than two months away, but it was still a long time. Yet, Bucky was not the one for quick decisions. He needed time and weeks of deliberation. "I can look for something in the meantime. Some show or big event we can go together and we can get closer."

"Yeah… good idea." I sighed. "You're rich-rich, I'm sure there's some cool party you could invite us to. He would never admit it, but Bucky loves some fancy parties." Natasha used to say that Bucky had a cocky and smug side when they were twenty, a little flirty too. Unfortunately I never got to meet that Bucky. 

"I'm not rich-rich!"

"You're an heir!" He opened his mouth to reply, but decided against it. "See?" 

“So… we will not see each other till Bucky is feeling better about this baby thing?” he asked, and I didn't have an answer for that. The plan was about Bucky, yet I really liked Bob’s company. Waiting to see him just at a future party didn’t seem right. “You could sew your costumes here. Like, make them. Here. I can help.”

“What?”

“Like… I have plenty of space, and… and it is faster if you need to buy something that is missing, you bought the fabric here, right?” I nodded. “And it will be fun!” 

“You will waste your weekend with me?”

“It’s cool having company, I'm alone most of the time. And you said once that Bucky has training on Saturdays and you stay home alone till eight. Now you will have me. And your neighbors won't see a man coming into your house and think you are having an affair.” I smiled, it could be nice having company while I worked, and I could make a costume for him too. “Don’t need to decide now. You can think about it.”

“Ok…” I said, looking back at the cake, feeling my cheeks burn for some reason. “I will…”

+++

Just like the previous week, Bucky didn't go to work on Monday, but this time, it was to get his test results. The emergency probably cost a pretty penny, which I preferred to ignore since it wasn't really a problem for us, but it certainly would have been if his family knew. His aunts and uncles comments about how he had to spend money to have a baby while theirs was "for free”, it would have been the lightest of jokes.

"Yelena!" Bucky shouted from the entryway. I was lying down after vacuuming the house. Household chores seemed to drain my life energy, and I could never do more than one at a time. I heard his footsteps in the hallway and turned toward the door. "What happened?"

"I vacuumed the house." He laughed at my defeated expression.

"The results are back." He had a smile on his face, which was certainly a good sign. "The count is good, and I'm healthy." I sat on the bed, and he knelt on the floor beside me. "The doctor still said it's not ideal, so it's more... difficult. I’m really not twenty anymore. He recommended an insemination clinic in Jersey."

"Do you want to try?" He nodded.

"At least an appointment, see what's possible for us. I think it could work." There was so much hope in his eyes, it was hard not to feel the same way. He wanted this so badly. It was a stark contrast from the week before, when he'd looked utterly miserable.

"We can go at the end of next month. If you miss work one more time, the team will freak out." Trying to keep the group calm with Bucky missing work for over a week was nearly impossible; it took Johnny two days to think he was dying. Bucky never missed work! “The Halloween collection will finish arriving in stores in September, so we will have nothing to worry about by the end of the month.” 

"You right… I should have done this sooner, tests and everything." He held my hand, pressing a kiss to the back. "I'll do things the right way now," he assured me. "Back to work, and baseball practice, and... and what you asked."

"Seriously?"

"I need time!" he remarked, "But I'll try. Eventually." I laughed; it wasn't surprising; he'd never do it right away; it just wasn't his thing. "I'm going to make dinner. Keep resting after the hard work of vacuuming the house," he mocked.

"It's tiring, okay?!" I complained laughing, and he flicked my left cheek before leaving the room.

(...)

Before the weekend, I decided it wouldn't be a bad idea to sew the costumes at Bob's apartment. Bucky would be training on the weekends, which would leave me alone at home, so maybe it would be good to have someone around at least on the mornings. Now that Bucky was feeling his best again, things seemed to be back on track.

"So... you will try insemination in October?" Bob asked as he helped carry the bags into the apartment. He had organized the place, cleared the paint pots from the floor, and Lindy, the mannequin, was in the corner of the living room, next to the window.

"Do you always keep her near the windows?" I asked, changing the subject.

"Yes, and I change positions sometimes. That way it always looks like someone's home." I laughed.

"And yes, probably. Or in November. Bucky's kinda... complicated. He's terrified of someone in the family finding out, so he'll go through everything to make sure no one finds out."

"There's a really big table in one of the rooms, I can pull it over here," Bob suggested.

"No, I can do it on the floor, there's plenty of space." We placed the bags next to Lindy. I had brought everything, from my sewing machine to my binder with patterns. I had molds for Bucky and me, but I was going to try to make one for Bob too.

"So, what's the costume?" He sat on the floor next to the bags.

"The Disney version of Rapunzel, you know? Tangled." He nodded. "I'm going to be Rapunzel. Bucky's been asking for it for years, I'm going to do it this time."

"And Bucky's going to be Flynn?"

"No, he's going to be the gecko." Bob was silent for a second before bursting out laughing. "What?"

"Gecko!" He laughed harder. "It's a chameleon!"

"Same thing!" I complained, but the laugh escaped anyway. "So it'll be a big onesie for him, and a dress for me. And the hair."

"Okay..." he was still laughing a little. "I can pay you to do Anakin's costume for me."

“No! Of course, not!”

“It 's hard work! You can’t do it for free!” He was frowning, looking determined to pay for it. "How much would that cost? Two thousand? Maybe more?"

"Two thousand? Are you insane?"

"It's handmade! And you're making it exclusively for me; it's basically haute couture." It was my turn to laugh out loud, because a Halloween costume being considered haute couture was the ultimate exaggeration. "A thousand dollars, then."

"Bob..."

"If you don't accept, I'll be so sad, and cry all night, maybe jump out that window-"

"Shut up!" He laughed. "Okay... a thousand dollars." I pressed my lips together. "Now get up, I need to take your measurements." Bob got up with a big smile on his face. “You’re really an heir… or not, rich people don’t offer that much money for handmade things.” 

“I’m a good heir.” he said, smugly. “How do you learn to do this?” he asked, while I looked for my tape measure inside the bags.

“Mom teached me and Nat, but I was the only one that wanted to learn for real. I learned to sew by hand, and then with the sew machine… I thought about making my own brand and all, but I was too poor for that. So I went with graphic design. This is a hobby now.” I came back, standing in front of him. “Arms outstretched, fix your posture.” 

“Yes, ma’am.”

I'd done this a dozen times before, but this one felt different because I could feel Bob staring at me, as if his gaze were piercing through my body. With each new measurement, I stopped and took my phone out of my pocket to mark the number on the notes, keeping my gaze always low, because I didn't want to look at his face. 

It wasn't like he was being intrusive or bothering me; I didn't mind him being close, but I should... right?  

"D-Do you want... you know, the black outfit? From episode three?" My eyes still were on my phone, but I had nothing else to type.

"Sounds good." I looked at him this time, and my heart fluttered. The blue of his eyes shone in the bright light coming from the windows. He was looking back at me, and I wanted to say something, but I couldn't think of anything. "Yelena..." my name sounded so soft, his face seemed to have come closer, and for a moment, I wanted to kiss him.

I wanted to kiss Bob.

"We should... buy the fabrics!" I said, taking a step back, and then another, until I could think normally. "Your costume will be harder to make, better start sooner." He nodded.

"Yeah, sure." He took a deep breath. "Ah, my wallet is..." He waved toward the hallway to the bedrooms. "I-I'll be right back."

My heart was racing. I hadn't been kissed in years. I'd insisted for Bucky not to do it during our "attempts," because he wasn't comfortable and didn't want to force him. And I didn't want to either, because I could tell from the kiss that he didn't want to be there. And I still liked kisses. I still missed it. It had been so long… 

But it was better to ignore it. That wasn't why Bob had come into our lives.

It would pass.

Chapter Text

Because I loved Halloween, Bucky would take me to Target to buy at least one new decoration item every year. It was a tradition, even when I was in the worst moments of my depression. It was usually in the second week of September, and this year I'd wait for him in the parking lot after he went to church, because I would not go that night. It would be the only Monday masses I missed all year.

I should have known something was off when it was 8PM, and he didn't show up. He didn't call. And when I called, Bucky didn't answer.

I was worried, but not too worried because I figured that, if something bad had happened, there would probably be frantic calls from the family. So I went into the store alone and bought three pumpkin-shaped candles and two huge bags of candy. I was still worried as I drove back home, until I got a text from him saying he was with Ben and Sam and if I could pick him up in front of the pizzeria. 

None of this would have been a big deal, in any other scenario, if it weren't for the moment the three of them left when I arrived.

"Babe, I'm sorry, I completely forgot," Bucky said as soon as he saw me. He'd clearly had at least three glasses of something alcoholic, and he was hugging Ben like he was a teddy bear. "We're going to Target tomorrow, ok?!"

"How much did he drink?" I laughed.

"A glass of wine. And a shot of tequila." Sam laughed too, looking at him.

"You'll regret that shot tomorrow," I said, opening the passenger door for him. Bucky could pull off vodka, but tequila? Tomorrow he would be wasted. "Get in, silly." Bucky sat on the carseat, still facing us, tilting his head and smiling at Sam. "See you at the game on Sunday, guys," I said.

"This next game will be good, I promise." Ben said, giving me a bear hug. I smiled at him and turned to Sam who… 

There was something in his smile that made mine falter. It wasn't anger, or anything exactly bad, it was... pity. 

Sam smiled and looked at me with sincere pity. I've seen smiles like this hundreds of times. I'd lost both my parents before eighteen, had no grandparents, and shortly after moving to America, Natasha was gone too. Pitying smiles were a constant. Everyone pitied me. Without both parents . Without my only family at 22. What more people could offer if not the lament look?

"Bucky is playing really well," Sam said.

"He's an athlete," I joked, turning to buckle him. “Bye, guys. See you on Sunday.” I closed the door, waved goodbye, and got inside the car, heading home with a height on my chest. 

Why would Sam look at me like this? His realization about Bucky’s sexuality was so deep that he was pitting me for marrying him? Like I was being played? Or was something else? 

I didn't say anything on the way home, not when we arrived, or when Bucky decided he needed a shower to get sober. I just changed clothes, put on my pajamas, with my mind racing. What if Sam commented with someone? Maybe not. He didn’t seem the type from gossip. 

Sam could have been a good choice for Bucky; he said he'd had a boyfriend. But what if someone found out? They trained together, and there were two men from church on Bucky's team. Ben was too nice to say no to them when he announced about the team on Instagram.

"Are you that upset that I didn't go to Target with you?" Bucky looked like a begging puppy, his eyebrows furrowed as if he were about to cry. There was a good chance he would actually cry.

"Bucky..."

"I should have told you sooner that I was with them, I'm sorry."

"It's not that." I took a deep breath, and he looked even more worried. "I think Sam knows. That you're gay. And he feels sorry for me. He probably thinks I don't know, and that you're using me." His eyes widened. "Do you think he'll say something to anyone? Anything?"

"No... no, I..." he pushed back his damp hair, sitting by my side. "Oh my god, I think... I must have said something."

"Said something?" He wouldn't tell me whatever he had said to Sam, but I could see he was replaying everything he commented that night, and a move probably happened. "You like him." Bucky looked at me, even more shocked. "You talk about him a lot. And he's gay. It would be a natural choice."

"Yelena!"

"It's okay!” I tried to reassure him. “He's a handsome man, and you two have a lot more time together than you do with Bob." Bucky stood up, backing away from the bed as if I'd slapped him. He even looked a little angry.

"You were upset just now!" he said. “You said that he looked at you with pity!”

“And he did! But this has nothing to do with you guys!

“Yelena!”

"He is an option!” I tried to pull him back  for the real topic. “He's gay, and you're gay! I only chose Bob because... because he's far from here. I mean, Brock Rumlow and Dreykov are on your baseball team, and attending church or not, they're still the most horrible people I've ever met." I sighed. "But Sam-"

"No. You said it yourself, he's too close. My uncles are going to see the training. Bart said he's coming over on Thursday with Aunt Marienne."

"Why?"

"Because he's a pain in the ass!" Bucky walked back to the bed and sat down, in a defeated position. "I... I might have said something that sounded flirtatious. And Sam's a nice guy, of course he'd feel sorry for you." I nodded, but let a smile slip. "What?"

"You're flirting..." His cheeks started to redden. "My old man still has it." Bucky laughed loudly, and the sound gave me some relief. "If... if you try... with Sam... You can tell him that I know, and that I accept. I don't want him to feel guilty. Tell him it's an open marriage, because it is. Just be careful. Especially if you drink. And with guys like Dreykov around."

The man was the devil, he went to church every mass with a gun on his hip, tormented his neighbors, and the stories said he'd been violent with all his wives before meeting the poor creature he married two years ago. His continued presence at the congregation after all this was one of the reasons I disliked going there.

"You still seem tense," he said.

"I... I feel seen. You and Ava have always been the only one who saw me under our… performance, you know? And now Sam saw me too." And Bob, I added to myself. Bucky nodded.

"He's a nice guy."

"He is." I didn't know Sam well enough, but I believed that to be the case. “I trust in your decision, ok?” he pressed a kiss to my forehead.

“Target tomorrow?” I nodded. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

+++

It had been a while since I'd read romance novels. I started reading again the same day the idea that I wanted to kiss Bob popped into my head. It was strange, perhaps, but it was how I satisfied my desire for romantic love: by reading about it. The feeling of my heart fluttering for a character that didn't exist was much safer than for a real person. 

Some romances had just kisses, others had sex scenes, but they weren't about myself. They happened to the protagonists, not me. So it was fun. And controlled. I couldn't risk feeling anything for Bob other than friendship. First, because he could still be an option for Bucky, it would be strange at best. And second, because kisses were never enough. Where my desire died, his only began.

Reading about love was so easy... it was safe. I could control it. And it was with books that I survived the whole month of August and the beginning of September. By November, all of this would pass, because time usually fixed everything. At least I hoped so.

"Bob?" I knocked on the door. I still went every Saturday and Sunday to see him. Anakin's costume was almost finished, but we had to buy some parts separately because I couldn't sew leather. "Bob?" He flung the door open.

"You know how to cut hair?" he said out of the blue.

"What?"

"Cut hair, my barber died." I spat out a laugh, as he blinked several times, until I realized he was being serious. 

"Oh my God, really?" I covered my mouth with my hands, walking in and closing the door behind me. He'd spoken so casually that it didn't seem like he was telling the truth.

"Yeah." 

"Bob, I'm so sorry. Have you known him for a long time?"

"No, I've only been there twice. But we were building something, you know?" I headed toward the living room, ignoring him for a moment before I burst out laughing again. He was unintentionally funny. Bob pulled the big table from the spare room when I finished cutting the fabric, so the half done costumes were all laying there. "Finding good barbers is hard!"

"I can only imagine." I did realize his hair was growing long, but just imagined that he wanted to keep it that way. Some strands fell over his eyes, and the back was longer, like a mullet, but it worked for him. Long hair didn't suit everyone, but he still looked good. "You could just trim it, it looks cool like that."

"Do I look Anakin enough to you?" I nodded.

"Very. Speaking of Anakin, did the gloves arrive?" He nodded, pointing at the small box on top of the kitchen counter. "Then put on the costume. I want to see if I need to adjust the sleeves."

“Cool.” He pulled the white shirt off his body, throwing in Lindy’s direction; the mannequin arms were his alternative for a hanger. I didn’t look at him, I didn’t feel the sexual urge seeing a man taking clothes off, but it still made me nervous. Bob put the first layer, the second with the belt, and the gloves by the end. 

“You look nice.” I said. It was really good, even better than I thought I could pull off. The gloves really helped, we found a girl that sold it to us on Etsy and Bob agreed for me to pay with the money he gave. “Your hair looks really… Kylo Ren now.” he made a face. “It 's too dark! But still in the family.”

“Yeah, it makes sense. But Anakin’s hair was darker in episode three so…” he nodded to himself. “I could pull it off with blond hair, right?” I purposely ignored the question, getting closer to get a better look at the costume. “You draw and sew really well too… you sing?”

“No. And I don’t like to cook very much, but I do it. And I don’t dance.”

“I know you can.” I looked at him, and Bob pressed his lips together. Quoting ‘High School Musical’ was really something. “I’m sorry.”

“If I didn’t know you were bisexual, I would have learned now,” he laughed. “I watched the movies on DVD, cause we didn’t have Disney Channel, but the third movie was in theaters, in Sokovia. And I went with my mom.” We didn't have the chance to go to the cinema that much, so these moments meant a lot to me. 

“If you don’t mind, how…” he didn't finish the question. Didn’t needed to. 

“Dad had cancer. And my mom was… was already in a… in a bad place, even before his death, so... She waited till my scholarship was approved, though." My smile probably looked like a grimace. “Then I came to America. Living the dream.”

When Bob pulled me into a hug, I felt small. Maybe because I was, Bob was much taller than me, but the feeling was more complex than that. I didn't want to cry; the sensation was like a weight in my chest, and the hug simply made me feel "accepted." Covered.

"Aside from the faux leather parts, this outfit is really soft," I murmured.

"It's warm too, not in a bad way. But it would be hell to wear in July." I smiled, still hugging him. "Yelena?"

"Hm?"

"I... I'm glad I found you on that app." There was hesitation in his words, but I was glad he'd said it. I felt the same way. "We could have met here. I used to visit my grandmother almost everyday around the time you came to live with your sister here." I laughed a little. Judging by the time period, he was right, but I didn’t stay there for more than four months. 

"How many neighbors do you know now?" His silence lasted an incredible two seconds.

"Okay, but I'm sure we'd run into each other in the elevator and you'd ask if my blue eyes are brown." I laughed some more. I didn't want to break the hug. Hugs were safe. Close, but just enough. 

"You'd be my friend and come to my wedding."

"Yeah... we could say that." He laughed a little. Bob released me from the hug, and I did the same, looking at the separate parts of Bucky's onesie. It was turning out cute, but without the gecko's bulging eyes, it looked like a dinosaur. "It looks like a dinosaur," Bob said aloud, and I laughed.

"I'll make the hood look like the gecko's 'face.'”

"Chameleon."

"Same thing." I sat on the floor, carrying the pieces with me. I liked the window near the fire escape; it was the biggest, and low enough to see the street. "The windows were the hardest thing to get used to when I moved here. Everything seems too open."

"The ones near the fire escape have a security alert. It only beeped once; I tried to open it and forgot to deactivate it first." Bob sat on the floor next to me, still wearing the costume. "Do you miss... Sokovia? Or Russia?"

"I don’t remember Russia that much, we left for Sokovia when I was five. And no. I miss my family. I didn't even leave our house that much before, so I came here and tried to be... I tried to be normal. I went to college, and went on dates, and I tried dating, which I obviously failed, and had Nat with me. I think I was pretty happy for a few years, even after I lost my parents."

"Nat was... it was hard, right?" I nodded.

"It felt like a bad joke." I took a deep breath, passing the thread through the eye of the needle. Hand-stitching helped me take my mind off things. "But I'm fine now." Bob didn't say anything for a long time, he just stayed by my side, and the silence wasn't bad. He lay on the floor, looking up, and sometimes at me, every now and then.

I sewed there, beside him, for hours until the sky began to turn orange. Bob had even dozed off, which was surprising considering he was lying on the floor, but he woke up as soon as I finished sewing for the day. The onesie's sleeves were sewn to the body.

"What time is it?" he asked.

"About six, I guess..." Bob rubbed his eyes, crawling close to the window and looking out at the street.

"I think they've already passed," he muttered, and I turned toward the window, peering out at the street through the iron frame of the emergency escape ladder. No cars, not even people were passing by.

"Who?"

"Cerberus," he muttered, and I looked at him, confused. "There are three rats that live in the sewer in this street, and I call them Cerberus because I thought it was a three-headed dog when I first saw it." The laugh that escaped me was so loud it must have startled the upstairs neighbor.

"A three head what?"

"Seriously, the three of them run together, side by side, all the time. They usually come out at the end of the day, like by six or six thirty. The first time I saw them, I thought it was a deformed dog, a three-headed chihuahua. Then I saw them again and thought it was a mutant rat, which wouldn't even be weird in this fucking city, until I saw them earlier in April, like around 5PM, so I realized they were three rats running together."

"And you named them Cerberus," I concluded.

"A three-headed rat in New York is clearly a creature of the underworld. It’s only fair that I name it appropriately." At this point, I was laughing so hard my face hurt. 

“Your mind is fascinating, Bob.”

“Thanks, it's the illness.” his face turned to me, and i stopped laughing. His eyes looked brown at that moment. The light was dim, and I should stop looking at him, because my heart was fluttering again. “You… Do you want to stay for dinner? I’ll cook this time.” I smiled. 

“Maybe next week. I need to get Bucky in practice today.” It was a lie, Bucky had his car with him, but I could not risk it to stay too close to Bob when my heart was feeling funny like this. I would not run away, he was my friend, but it was for the best to keep a safe distance. 

“Next week then,” he said, and I nodded. Next week I would make him meet Ava. A third between us would really help. 

(...)

I didn't know what I had asked Bucky for until that week before our big trip to Jersey. Maybe it was the years of having him as my closest friend, even with Ava by my side almost always. I took him for granted. And that was starting to change.

I spent the whole week scared. The baby idea seemed more real at that moment, as I would go to Jersey and leave already pregnant, even knowing it was not how it worked. Bucky was a responsible man, caring and he wanted to be a father, a real one, and this really helped, but not even my medication was keeping my nerves cool. 

He had team practice on Tuesday night and was supposed to be home at eight, but he didn't arrive at eight. Or nine. At ten, he texted that he'd be home soon. After this, I spent two hours on the phone with Ava, who was worried about her grandfather, and I just let her say whatever she needed to. I'd never been around people with Alzheimer's, and I had no advice to offer, so I just listened to her and promised to visit next week. 

It was midnight when he arrived. And I was excited. Has it been a date? Had he gone out with Sam? Maybe he had talked to Bob? Bucky laughed when he saw me sitting on the couch, looking at him anxiously. 

"So?"

"It was just a beer." He unbuttoned his shirt. "I need time with these things."

"Okay..." I smiled. "Was it Sam?"

"Yelena..."

"I wanted to know..." I mean, the idea was mine, so he could share. I didn't want details or anything, just... how it was going. “Like, you flirted again?”

“Maybe,” he smiled. I wanted more, but did not insist. He needed time.

"Okay. Oh, the doctor's assistant confirmed for next Wednesday morning." He nodded. "And I'm almost finished with your costume. I even took a picture, want to see it?" I had taken the picture on Sunday, but I had completely forgotten to show it to him beforehand. We had a big problem with some items from the Christmas collection.

“No need.” He pulled out his phone, looking at something and then smiling to himself.

“You were so excited about the costume…” I murmured, “You’re sure?” no answer for a minute. Two. He texted something then looked at me.

"Seeing it finished will be more fun. Can’t wait to try on." he said, and I nodded, watching him walk toward the bedroom. "Don't take too long to sleep," Bucky said louder, and I nodded to myself, since he wasn't around to see it anymore.

I couldn't say why I was feeling sad, but I was. Maybe I had placed too much expectation on the whole situation, that I would be part of it, like a confidant. As if it were a story I could read, like my romance novels. I had asked for this, it just wasn't going as I'd expected. It was fine… 

I just needed time to understand the new connections. 

I would provide the friendship and the family bond, and Sam — or Bob, or whoever came next —would be what I couldn't offer... sex! I just needed to get used to it. To not know everything about Bucky. 

At least, that's how I kept thinking for the rest of the week, until Saturday, when I finally finished his costume-onesie and brought it home, eager to show it off. Bob had loved it; I'd even made him try it on, since they seemed to be the same height, just to make sure it was perfect. The hood was the coolest part, and looked so much like the little gecko that I almost wanted to post somewhere, even not liking social media that much.

So I waited, sitting on the living room couch, glancing at the door every five minutes even though I knew Bucky wouldn't be home from practice until ten. Knowing the time of something never helped with my anxiety, I just got nervous or excited, and luckily the medication helped me not react in a bad way. The costume was laying on the sofa by my side.

When I heard the keys in the door, I got up, almost jumping in excitement. I had made several costumes before, but these were probably my proudest work. Bob's one was cool, and he even decided to buy a lightsaber. I managed to make the chameleon's bulging eyes and was going to make a paper structure to keep the tail curled like in the movie. It was perfect.

"I need Ben to get rid of Dreykov, he's so bad! And he complains about everything!" Bucky walked in, and I could hear him knocking things over in the front door and kicking off his shoes. "Can you believe he said I'm the worst in the team?"

"He even plays? Last game he was on the bench the whole time."

"He hits a few balls every now and then." Bucky smiled when he came to the living room. "We went to this new bar that opened near the field. It's a karaoke bar, and Sam is so… he made me sing Backstreet Boys with him, we suck, but it was so fun. I need to take you there sometime."

"We could invite Sam to dinner." I suggested, "I can get to know him better and-"

"I don't think that's a good idea." He interrupted me. "I mean... you already know Bob, it's kinda... It's better for you to keep your distance, you know?" 

"Oh... Okay." It wasn't what I expected, but I could handle it. "Look, I finished the costume!" I pulled out the onesie, which I carefully placed on the couch. "The hood is the gecko’s head, and I did the eyes and everything!"

"It turned out great!" Bucky came closer, taking the costume from my hands. "Did you make this by hand?" I nodded. "It's amazing." He pressed a kiss to my forehead.

"I'm going to build a structure for the tail so it stays-"

"I'm going to take a shower and you can explain everything to me before bed." He smiled before handing the costume back and walking toward the bedroom. I lay the onesie back on the couch, "You're going to the game tomorrow, right? It's our first with the New Jersey Avengers. They have a fan base! I invited the whole family, even called Aunt Marienne."

"Sure." I followed behind him, sitting on the edge of the bed. Bucky left the bathroom door open so I could hear him. "I'm going to scream your name so loud you will get embarrassed." Even over the sound of the water, I could still hear him laughing. "I'm almost finished with my costume, too."

"Cool."

"It's looking pretty good. The hair won't be as big as the character, but the extensions are still huge. I think we can win this year." Bucky said nothing back. 

Maybe I was just reading too much into it, expecting a bigger reaction. He'd been more excited last year, but this year we had more to think about, especially with the baby thing on the way. Worrying about costumes seemed childish of me. 

Bucky came out of the bathroom already in his pajamas, still trying to dry his hair with the towel.

“You want to try the costume?” I asked.

“No, I will do it for the party. I’m sure it's great.” I nodded again. "Where's the hairdryer?"

"In the guest room." He nodded and left. 

And at that moment, it felt like when I went back to college after my worst moment with depression had passed. I had other friends besides Ava back then, but they all seemed just... condescending about me. No one was cruel or mean; just felt like I was forcing myself into places. Everyone, one by one, completely stopped talking to me at some point.

I understood after a while; dealing with someone depressed wasn't easy. I seemed to suck the life out of the room, and was not a good company for most occasions. They sought me out when they were sad, as if I could be used to understanding their pain. But most of the time, I wasn't fit to be around.

I'd never felt that way with Bucky. Until that moment.

Maybe it was the depression in me talking, making me paranoid. It wouldn't be the first time. Bucky didn't take long to return, his hair dry just enough. He lay down next to me and picked up his phone, while I just turned over to sleep. Resting might have been the best thing to do.

(...)

"And he absolutely loved it?" Bob opened the front door for me. After my third visit, he just gave me the code from the main door of the building, so I just went by myself to his door. Bob had a huge smile on his face, but it didn't last a second. I tried not to let the night before get to me. It was silly. Childish. But as soon as I arrived and he mentioned the costume, my eyes filled with tears. "Yelena?"

"I’m losing my best friend..." This time, I was crying so hard, I couldn't see him properly. I closed my eyes and felt Bob pull me inside, and the door closed behind me. My tears soaked his shirt, and his arms wrapped around me in a hug.

"Lena..." It was the first time he'd called me that, and it made me cry harder for some reason. "Come here," he said, and I felt his hand reach my knees, lifting me off the floor, holding me like a baby. I just cried harder. Bob took me to the couch, and sat with me on his lap. I would have cared about that in another time, but at that moment, all I cared about was crying. "You can tell me when you're ready, ok?!"

I nodded and kept crying, until I felt the tightness in my chest ease a little. Crying sometimes helped, but I couldn’t tell if it would this time. I would probably feel like an idiot when this stopped, but for that brief moment, I just cried, thinking that Bucky didn't want me as his best friend anymore.

"I made a mistake, Bob..." I said, my face still pressed against his chest because I didn't want to look at him. "He'll find a friend in Sam, and a romantic partner. I'll be useless."

"Yelena... that's not true."

"Yes, it is. A-And… n-normal people care more about the relationship... romantic and sexual relationship… They… they want the two things in one. It’s… it's the norm," I tried to wipe my eyes, but tears were still streaming. "That would never happen if I weren't flawed."

"You are not."

"Of course I am!" A sob silenced me for a moment. "No one wants someone broken like that, and I was lucky for a while to marry my best friend, but now he won't even talk to me like before… and this b-barely started! W-What will happen when… when the baby…" Bob hugged me tighter, and I let myself cry some more.

I had decided for all of this; I couldn't even blame Bucky. I made my bed, and needed to lie in it.

"He won't stop being your friend. It's just... he's exploring new things, and sometimes people let go of what they already have when they get new things. They get excited, and could be mean sometimes, but he will never stop being your friend." 

I wiped my eyes again, and this time, I looked at him. 

"You're having a baby together. That's much more important. All of this is something... it's temporary! An exploring moment before the baby arrives. Isn't that what you two agreed on?"

I nodded. Yet still, it just made my fear about having a kid even more strong. 

"Don't worry, you're still his best friend. And Sam, and maybe some other guys, will just be the... the sexual part of it." I nodded again. "It 's alright." 

"What if I'm just the mother of his child? What if his affection continues, but as his baby's mother, not as his best friend?" Bob just looked at me, and I could tell he was unsure of what to say. The possibility had never crossed my mind because it never seemed real. Until that moment.

"You're scared. It's okay to be scared. But you don’t need to be." Bob hugged me tighter again, and I snuggled against his chest. 

A little voice in the back of my head scolded me for it, but Bob had taken up enough space in my life that being like that, with him, wasn't unusual. I felt safe. 

"Do you want to do nothing today? No sewing dress or Jedi capes?" I nodded again. "We can sit by the window and eat popcorn, and wait for Cerberus to pass. It’s still early, so we will have some time for absolutely nothing before their usual apparition."

A little laugh escaped me.

“Sounds good?”

"Yeah… T-Thank you, Bob." he smiled back at me, and this gave me comfort. I laid my head back at his chest.

"Anytime.”

+++

I didn't make it home in time for the game. Cerberus, unfortunately, hadn't shown up, but I stayed there, sitting next to Bob, looking at the window for hours, because I didn't want to go back. I didn't want to smile at people, I didn't want to have to interact and look radiant. I just wanted to go home.

So I did. I drove home and waited. The game was supposed to end at eight, and Bucky would probably be hanging out with the guys from the team. Maybe he'd arrive at ten. Maybe he'd tell me the game was good. At eight thirty, however, I heard him getting inside, dropping everything at the front door.

"Yelena!" There was a hint of nervousness in his voice, and I sat up in bed. "Yelena!" he shouted again, running into the bedroom, and relief was visible on his face. "Oh my god... Yelena." He knelt down and hugged me as he was, his clothes still sweaty from the game, his arms still dirty. "You didn't answer your phone."

"The battery's dead." I murmured back. It was true, and I forgot to put in the charger. 

"I thought you were at the game, that you were late, then my mom said you didn’t show up, and everyone asked... what happened?" He pulled away, the worried look obvious on his face. 

I could lie at that moment, yet, the truth was the easier way.

"I... I'm scared. About the baby." If possible, he looked even more concerned. "I don't want to just be... I don't want to just be the mother."

"You would never just be the mother, why do you think that?" I didn't answer, I didn't know how. My insecurity seemed so juvenile. As if my mind were that of an abandoned child, but maybe I really was, in the end. "I'll keep our agreement, you'll be in the factory in my place, and I'll stay home with the baby for the first few years. Is that what you're worried about?"

"No..." I murmured. "I... are you happy?" Bucky looked even more confused. "Are you happy with our life?"

"Of course I am." He pressed a kiss to my hand. "It'll be okay... After the appointment, you'll feel less nervous, I'm sure." I nodded. “Are you taking your meds?” I nodded again. “It’s the anticipation… you’re scared, and it’s okay to be. But it will pass.”

Maybe he was right; it was the arrival of something new and important that was throwing my mind into chaos, creating a problem where none existed. It wouldn't be the first time. I smiled at him and nodded once more.

"I promise," Bucky smiled, "We'll be fine."

Chapter Text

I'd never been to a fertility clinic before, but it was exactly what I expected. White. Maternal paintings, employees with big smiling faces. There were two other couples in the large waiting room with us, and while the two women nervously looked at the test papers to show to the doctor, Bucky was the one who filled that role for us. He brought tests for everything about our health, anything the doctor could ask for.

And he also looked around every five minutes, as if one of his uncles were going to burst out of the ground and point directly at him at how rotten his semen was. He didn't even look at anyone in their faces, as he feared being recognized for his mom's lost best friend that would just appear there, and tell her about this whole thing! 

On one wall were dozens of photos of the doctor next to the successful cases, healthy, cute babies, mostly white, and from rich people. My mother used to say that only people with a lot of money had trouble having children, not for any big reason, just because rich people don't have time for sex.

I liked to pretend that was the case with Bucky and I. 

"You both really seem unlucky," was what the doctor said after seeing everything we brought him. "For your age, your count is excellent, Mr. Barnes. How often do you have intercourse per month?" It was a funny question, but made sense in that scenario. 

"Almost every day." Bucky lied, and I sniffed, trying to think of something else before I ended up laughing. Our most was three times in a month. I could adapt to a higher number, but unfortunately for our goal, Bucky was too gay for that. "Unlucky... definitely."

"Is everything okay, Mrs. Barnes?" the doctor asked me, and for a second I wondered if I was smiling or about to laugh.

"Yes, it is... I'm a little nervous." This time I actually smiled, Bucky took my hand, believing in me.

"There's nothing to worry about, the procedure is very simple. You'll come in next week, we'll do the implant, and in two weeks you'll take a pregnancy test. If it fails, we'll try again. You don't need to do anything different, and you'll leave here the same day as the insemination."

I liked the doctor; he had a grandfatherly look. He wasn't even that old, but his bald head and downcast eyes gave him a familiar energy. Like Santa. Bucky squeezed my hand lightly, and I smiled at him.

"Okay?" he murmured to me. I nodded.

"I guarantee you, your baby will be on the way by December."

My mind "switched off" after that sentence. December seemed so close, and so far. A baby. A tiny little thing that I would need to care about. If they don’t like me? If they ended up racist or evil? If I didn't love them as I was supposed to? Postpartum depression could happen to me, cause I was already depressed, so the chances were higher. If I hated my own kid?

“Lena?” Bucky called, and judging for his look, he did more than once. “Let’s go… home.”

“Oh… Ok.” I said, and smiled at the doctor before shaking his hand. I could feel the worried look coming from Bucky, he was the one talking with the employees about our return and everything necessary, while I was still thinking about the little thing that would grow inside me. 

When we got out of the clinic, Bucky stopped me before I reached the car, making me look at him.

“What happened?” he holded my arms, the worried look as clear as a day.

“I will be good, right? As a mom…?” his eyes looked even more concerned. “If they grow up evil? If they became a nazi?”

“Our kid won't be a nazi!”

“We don’t know!” He laughed this time, and hugged me. “I don’t want to be a bad mom.”

“You won’t be.” Bucky whispered, “You will love them so much. You’re so full of love, Lena. And I know you can’t overflow all you hold in yourself, because you are different. But it’s good, and strong…” I closed my eyes, just listening to him. “You will love them, fully. Like you love me, and Ava. Even Bob that just got here.” I laughed a little, and Bucky pressed a kiss on the top of my head.

“We will be fine, right?” I asked, just to make sure. 

“Yes, we will be fine.”

+++

It had been a while since I'd visited Sue. It wasn't like it was a problem, but Sue reminded me of Natasha in a difficult way. I loved her as a family, yet she had Nat for way more time than I did, and this made me sad. She still worked with art, and her glass sculpture exhibitions were incredible. Our factory even sponsored some; she usually did two a year, and it was one of the few times we saw each other.

She didn't look like Nat. She looked more like my sister than Nat ever did, and people assumed that was the case when I went to live with them for a few months. The accident had broken something in us. She couldn't sit in the front seat of cars anymore, couldn’t even drive, even though Nat was the one driving that day. 

I still considered her family, even then. And like family, there were things I simply couldn't share.

Sue didn't know Bucky was gay. She didn't know I was ace. And she didn't know about the baby. But well, the last one would change that afternoon.

“Lena?” Sue blinked a few times. It was really not my doing just to show up at people’s door, but I went unannounced, moved by impulsivity, or would give up, like I usually did in these cases. “What happened? Is Bucky okay?” 

I should have guessed she'd expect something serious; I really wasn't one to show up unannounced. Sue gave me room to enter, and I tried to smile, trying to show that everything was fine. 

Sue was very particular about her style, something she shared with Reed. They liked bold, solid colors. No gradients, no pastels. It wasn't too hard on the eyes, though, and it was well-placed, and Reed was fascinated by retrofuturism, making their house like the type of one you see in movies or magazines.

Reed liked old clocks, old telephones, and VCRs. Bucky was sure he was autistic, but Reed refused to seek a diagnosis. Reed said that anything that didn't interfere with his marriage, his kids, or his work wasn't a worry, and I thought that was a fair way to think.

“The kids went with Reed to Tony’s ranch. Can you believe Viktor went with them? He said we’re depriving to be a good uncle for Valeria.” 

“In his head he really gave birth to her.” Viktor was a stereotypical evil man, mean comments about people's appearance and personality, but he was Reed's only family, and was not that bad of a person if we ignore that. “Sorry to not call first, I just…” she nodded, taking my hand and guiding me to the kitchen. 

The room was orange. Orange cabinets, orange utensils, orange appliances. But the solid color in mix with the white didn't make it visually difficult to be there. I could live in a place like this, but I really loved how common my house was. 

“What happened?” She went to the kitchen cabinets, looking for tea, while I sat on a chair next to the counter. She always made camomile tea for me, every time.

“Ah… Bucky and I… we’re trying for a baby.” I almost laughed at her freezing on the spot, then back to look at the small glass jars. “We have been together for five years, and he really is ready for this. I’m in a good age too, and we have more than enough to raise a kid, so…”

“You really want this?” She closed the cabinet, turning to me. “Lena, we know why you two marry. You got the green card, and the citizenship, and I’m so glad that you did, and you stayed here, but it was not a love match.” 

“I love him.” not the way I should love my husband, but I did. Yet that part, I saved for myself. “It’s… this baby it's not a gift for him, this is not a prize.” Sue came closer, her eyes were so blue, and even in a totally different tone, made me remember Bob. Her eyes never look not-blue, like his. “We are good for each other.”

“But you love him as you suppose to? As a woman?”

“Why does that matter?”

“Because this is for the rest of your life. This baby will connect you both, forever. Don’t you want to love the father of your child?”

“I love him.” I insisted. “We are family. I have you, him, and Ava. This is the only family I have, and I love him. And I will love my child.” Sue crossed her arms, her eyes still carried the mix of pity and understanding. “I know that you’re talking about romantic love… but some people will never have it.”

“You didn’t tried, Lena. You married at twenty-two. You didn’t dated that much… I know that… you had more… criteria,” as I never told her what was different about me, Sue just thought I was picky. “And mostly didn’t work out, but after the paper work with citizenship you could have divorced, or opened the marriage, I don’t know…” 

It would be easier to explain that it was not a lack of trying, because I did tried. So much. I wanted romantic love, but some things are not for everyone. 

“I’m twenty-eight now… I finished college, I have a job and a husband. I will have a child. Time already passed.” 

“You’re twenty-eight, Lena… you’re so young to give up on love.” She held my hand. “You are so young.”

I did not answer, because I didn’t wanted to explain. I didn't want to get myself into a search again. I did look for love after my marriage. After my depression period had passed, I had so much hope that love would find my way. Bucky even talked about how he would support me in a divorce, that we could still work together, as the factory was mine too. It lasted for a brief time, one that I even believed Bucky would find a man for himself. 

But no one wants a broken toy like me, that was pretty but without the main function. Without fun. While Bucky was still in a box, hidden from the display, where no one could find him. 

We were lucky to find each other.

“You want to be the godmother?” I asked, and felt my eyes filling with tears. Sue smiled, nodding to me, her eyes getting wet too. She would not insist, not fight. She knew me.

“I would love to.”

+++

"I have a party we can go to." It was interesting how Bob always had something to say whenever he opened the door for me. He tried to be positive, like, "I took my meds today!" or "I will get my diploma in December! Small ceremony, please come." I appreciated the effort; it was sweet in a way.

"A party," I said, walking into the apartment. Now that Bucky's costume was ready, we were just adjusting Bob's, and I needed to finish my dress. That day, however, I had brought more things. Actually, I had brought a small suitcase because I just wanted to... show more, distract myself.

"My dad's having a party, the company anniversary, next Saturday. It's a fancy party, and with you and Bucky around, there's a lot less chance I'll want to jump off the balcony." He moved toward the window and pointed at Lindy. "I bought her this wig." It was pink, hideous, and had little ears, probably cost two dollars or he stole it from a homeless man's cart. “It’s Pinkie Pie after being hit by a truck!” I spat out a laugh, making him laugh too.

"First of all, I will find Lindy a decent wig. And we have to stop with the suicide jokes."

"Fine... I'll see what I can do." He laughed more. "This suitcase is..."

"My things from my theater days. And I have wigs here, but they are way too good." 

“Oh, so Lindy is not worthy?” He pretended to be offended.

“Shut up, you got hers in the trash!” 

I looked back at the suitcase, my theater time felt like a lifetime ago. I couldn't say why I'd brought it; it wasn't like Bob had asked me or anything, but I needed to forget about anything for a while, especially anything related to the next few days. 

“Ok, maybe I have a nice one her-”

"Wait, wait..." He grabbed the suitcase and pulled it down the hallway toward his room. "Come on!" Even with all the doors open, I never entered Bob’s room. From what little I could see, there was nothing much there, just the bed and a desk, but I still followed him to the end of the hallway. "Ta-da!" 

The room was really empty beside the bed, the small desk and a big window. Yet, the wall to the left was the special thing, because it was covered from end to end by a big red curtain. It was long and heavy, exactly like a theater curtain. 

"What 's that?"

"This is... or was, my grandmother's closet." he said, and turn-on the lights. It didn't make much difference in the room, which was already lit by the window, but I could see the glow behind the curtains.

He dropped the suitcase and pushed aside the curtain, revealing... an empty closet. There were shelfs, shoe racks and drawers, made of white painted wood with crystal handles. To the left, it had a separated space with mirrors that covered the entire wall and the sides, forming a square, like in a fancy shop. 

"Yeah, there's nothing here. I don't have many clothes. I only use this side." He gestured to a small space where pants were folded and a few shirts hung. "There are these things for shoes. But I don’t have enough shoes to occupy everything. And these drawers for jewelry. Which I don't have. And these things like mini pillows for watches that I also don’t have…" I started laughing. 

"Your grandmother seems really cool."

"She is a fancy lady, high society type shit, and her grandson... wears a tractor-brand shirt." He looked at his own shirt, which, yes, was a tractor-brand, and looked old as hell. "She was even happy when I said I was bisexual until she realized I have no style whatsoever."

“Your family knows?”

“Just her. And mom. She doesn't care, I just need to give her a grandson, even an adoptive one is good. She lost hope at this point.”

“That 's cool. Not about the lost hope, about them… knowing.” At least someone knew. It was better than me, or Bucky. I walked toward the closet. There was so much space, and several drawers, which were definitely empty. The curtains were the final touch of drama. "They look like theater curtains." I held the fabric; it had the same texture, even the smell. Of something old and stored, it was not bad.

"Exactly." He pulled the suitcase toward the closet. "This is your off-off-Broadway moment; it's probably even bigger here than some theaters." I laughed, but it wasn't a lie. He sat on the floor and I did the same, opening the suitcase, my wigs were inside satin bags, and I had some props too. “Why did you stop? With theater?” 

"I didn’t liked that much." I shrugged. "But... I mean, I did good enough, it wasn’t terrible, but I wanted to know how to be normal?" Bob looked at me, confused. "The play was horrible, but it was about prostitutes, and there was a crime, or something like that. My character was the one who most... performed sexuality."

"I would pay a lot of money to see that." He laughed a little. "Not that you're not sexy, it's just that knowing you, I can't imagine."

"Natasha refused to see it out of embarrassment." If the play were better, maybe she would have seen it, but the dialogue was awful. The whole thing was the creator's "dream production," who was just a guy with money and theatrical ambitions, yet no talent. "You know that thing about method acting? Where the actor kind of becomes the character, you know?" Bob nodded. "That's what I was hoping to achieve."

"Having the character's sexual impulses?" I nodded, and saying it like that sounded even more pathetic, but in my defense, I was nineteen.

"It didn't work out. But I learned to... perform. Since I don't like it, I didn't know what to do in sex, because I had no interest in doing anything. But I learned, and it got better while I was doing it, so it was more… enjoyable. But I still didn't want to do it."

"It's really like eating chocolate cake when you're full, for you." I nodded.

"I was lucky I found Bucky. He's my friend, and I have a job I like. We've traveled to some pretty places and some weird ones, and it would be perfect if it weren't for our little differences." I smiled a little. "But if he were straight, he wouldn't marry me."

"You guys are best friends!"

"Yeah, but... he's normal. Bucky just doesn't get involved with men because of religious guilt, but he wants to. And he would want to be with a woman if he weren't gay. He'd understand me, for sure, but never... No one wants someone like me. And I've never had any luck finding someone like me that I liked, so..." I trailed off.

My old psychologist said I had to stop talking like I was abnormal, that there was nothing wrong with me, but it was so hard to see it that way.

"Sorry, I must be depressing you."

"No... I like listening to you talk. About anything." I looked at him, and even though there wasn't as much light around, his eyes seemed bluer. 

"There's this thing in the theater," I stood up, reaching for one side of the curtain and pulling it until it met the other, closing it. The light inside the closet was dim; Bob had only turned on one lamp, which made it feel like I was actually in a backstage area. "They call it 'The Moment Before.' Like, before the play starts, you already have to be your character, you know? You're already that other person, before they draw the curtain."

Bob stopped beside me, and maybe he cared to know, or not, but at least he was pretending well. I didn't know what I was doing, staring at these closed curtains, pretending there was a stage on the other side. Maybe I could blame it on whatever was wrong in my head. In ours, Bob was there too.

"It's the moment to connect with the character, before the story begins. But for me, that was when I felt most real. I had lost everyone and only had Nat, my English still sounded bad, and I had a boyfriend at the time who I pretended to want to have sex with every day. I felt like I was acting all the time... always getting ready for the next scene..."

"It doesn't seem like a nice way to live..."

"I think I still live like that. Bucky too, always ready for when they draw the curtain." I pulled back one side of the curtain, almost expecting to see an audience on the other side, but there was only the room and the window to the street behind. I smiled to myself.

"Maybe it's time to leave the stage," he whispered, and when I turned toward him, Bob was already looking at me. I felt my chest tighten. I didn't move when his face came closer; I could see the look for permission in his eyes, so I just closed my eyes, and waited.

His lips just touched mine, and I felt my chest flutter. Just the small contact, so simple. Like we were kids, learning what a kiss is supposed to be. It had been so long since I'd been kissed. It was the only intimate touch I truly missed.  

I could feel his hesitation, how his hands were close to my face, but he was afraid to touch me, so I touched one of them, and the other cupped the back of my neck. Bob moved away just a little, I could feel his breath against my face, the hesitation still there. We shouldn't be doing it, but I wanted to. I really wanted to. Then I moved, kissing him this time. It was calm, warm, and his tongue against mine felt good in its own way.

Bob was still nervous at the touch, but I wasn't any better; I could feel my hands trembling. I had wanted to do this, for longer than I cared to admit. I touched his face, moving my fingers through his hair. It was soft. Even knowing my desire would end, I still wanted to keep going. I could feel him getting eager, his lips getting hungry, and this usually would pull me away, but not this time. I just wanted to dwell in the feeling a little longer.

“I wanted to do this… for so long,” he whispered. I felt his arms around my waist, pulling me up and closer. “Yelena…” he probably would say more, but I didn't give him a chance, just kissing him again. 

My wish was to pretend that it was a dream, that no real consequence would come. All of it was coming for that part of me that still wanted the romance I would never get, cause it never lasted long enough… not for someone like me.  

His tongue tasted like coffee, Bob pressed kisses to my face, down to my neck, and I just let him do it, because I knew he wouldn't ask for more. Not now. When all of this passed, I would hold into the memory of this moment, as I did before, with others.  I could feel his smile against my cheek, a moan came from the back of his throat. 

“I need to go…” I said, and his eyes came back to me, the worried look there again. “This was-”

“Don’t say you regret it.”

“I don’t.” I caressed his face, his beard was starting to grow, I could feel it in my fingertips. “But this was not why we met, so I need to think...”  I pressed a light kiss on his lips, trying to reassure him. “I will be here for your dad’s party. And we can talk.”

By the time the party happened I would have already had the procedure done. Should I do like Bucky, and have something for myself while the baby was a matter of the future?  Or would that just make my life harder? I didn't want Bob to leave, to be just another person I allowed myself to have feelings for, but who couldn't handle someone like me, and I had to let it go. 

Everyone, always, leaves. 

"Just a few days. Right?" he said, and I nodded.

"Just a few days," I confirmed. "I'll be here. Saturday, for your party. I promise."

Chapter Text

I woke up in pain, feeling my body joint, and something in me went into pure fear when I felt a liquid woozy between my legs. I pushed off the blankets with so much strength that made Bucky woke up too, and there was blood in my pajama shorts. The panic went worse, and I felt my hands shaking, and the cry stuck into my throat, till Bucky held my wrists, making me look at him. 

“It’s okay, it’s okay… it’s your period, it’s just your period,” I looked at him, confused, “The doctor said it could happen, due to the stress, it’s okay.” His words didn’t make me feel better, and I cried, the pain coming again like a kick on my stomach. I didn’t even remember the doctor saying anything! 

“Our appointment is tomorrow,” I said, and Bucky held me into an embrace, trying to make me calm down. 

“It’s okay, we can do it next week,” he got up, making me do it too before I bled out on the bed, fortunately, only my clothes were dirty. “You were too worried about the Christmas collection, and with the baby, it didn’t help at all. I’m sorry, I should have intervened.”

“I like to work,” I murmured, going to the bathroom. I had this before, next to big events or anything more serious. Blood simply came out of me, like an evil gift to make my bad days worse. “I’m sorry.” 

“Why are you apologizing?” He laughed a little. “There’s ibuprofen in the kitchen, go take a bath, ok? Don’t worry about it.” I nodded, looking at him leaving the bathroom, and then looking to myself, in the mirror right in front of me. I looked pale, and my eyes were red, with tears trails marking my face. 

In a strange way, my body was giving me time to think, because my first thought while I looked at the mirror was about Bob. I wanted him there, with me. Just two days had passed since our kiss, and I missed him like a lifetime. 

I took a bath, feeling blood run through my legs. And I cried more, still feeling like my period coming again was my fault, like I had done this to myself. Bucky waited for me to dress before giving me a glass of water and the pill, his sorry eyes were making me feel worse.  

“We can go next Monday… It won’t last long, and your body will be okay.” he said, holding me into another hug after I put the glass cup at the bedtable, “And we can stay home today, do nothing.” 

I didn’t have the classic PMS, maybe because of my medication, I didn't cry or feel on the verge of breaking down because the meds kept me from feeling that every day. I could never know when it was coming, if not for a pimple or two that erupted in my face and a sudden desire to bake a cake. It would be nice having a day off, like in the movies, just for a day. 

“It’s been a while since we watched anything on TV.” He finished.

“48 hours…” I murmured and Bucky laughed, he wasn’t a big fan of investigative journalism, but did it for me from time to time. He was always frustrated with unsolved cases.

“Fine. Let’s go back to sleep, ok?” I nodded, it was too early to really wake up, so it would be better to try to sleep again. “It 's alright. It’s just a little delay… we have time.” 

“Ok…” I murmured. We had time.

(…) 

"I feel like a keychain when I’m with you guys," Walker complained, lying on the grass in my garden, while Ava rubbed sunscreen on his face. "A pet."

"You're almost like that," I said, laughing a little. Bucky wanted me to work only in the afternoons, trying to keep me "less stressed" so no more blood would come our way, but I hated being alone, which made me call for Ava to stay with me. And since John was on vacation, he came along. “You need suntime and enrichment.” 

“Ha, ha! So funny!” He complained, but turned his head so Ava could put sunscreen on his ears. He was the type that turned red in minutes, not even my Eastern European ass would get sunburned so quickly.

"Your hair is even darker from the lack of sun, and you've never been so white, babe, I can't walk around with you like this." It was true, Walker was quite blond, but all that time on airplanes had darkened his hair, making it almost brown. 

"And you guys... is the baby still happening?" Walker asked. He knew about the baby, that was all, I didn't went deep into the details of the conception.

"Yes. But I think it will take a little longer." The bleeding lasted two days, but there was no way to schedule the procedure sooner, because my body needed to rest, so that left for next Monday.

"It's because you're trying so much, these things happen naturally, you know?" Ava looked at him in pure judgment. "It was like that with me!"

"Oh I know, you separated precisely because of that."

"Don't say it like it's a lame excuse, you filed for divorce once because I bought a Jeep!"

"You know I hate that car." I started laughing. If they didn't argue over silly things every half hour, they'd probably explode. “You chose it so I would not drive.”

“You already have a car!”

“But maybe I would need yours! Because you’re dying, and my car is broken, and only yours is available! But, because it’s a Jeep, I don’t drive, and I become a widow.”

“You would let me die because you don’t like to drive my car?”

“We never know...” I shouldn't be laughing that much, but it was way too funny to not do it.

"Anyway!” Walker came back on track, “It'll happen if you guys stop stressing so much about it, all this worry is getting in the way!" Walker concluded, and this time Ava agreed with him. I knew stress wasn't helping me, but there were a hundred things swirling around in my head. 

I was so uncertain about everything.

I wasn't used to this. My moments of uncertainty came when I lost my parents, but returned to normal when I arrived in the United States to live with Natasha. The feeling came back once again when I lost her, but they fell back into place with Bucky. Since then, I've never had doubts about anything. Everything has always been in place.

Bucky was my anchor. 

Now there was Bob. And Sam. And the baby... and all of this was going through me. All of it, directly or indirectly, was caused by my decisions. 

Ava and John left before lunch, and Bucky arrived shortly after they left.

"You know you can't skip meals," he said. Bucky would have preferred me to eat real food, to help with the baby thing, but the bag of Taco Bells and the two cups of soda had signaled a clear change of plans. "You're going to eat lunch in the cafeteria at work every day. Seriously. Especially when the baby comes."

"Yes, sir," I said, grabbing one of the soda cups. Diet Coke, no ice. He didn’t trust fast-food ice, according to his mom, since he was a kid. "Oh, I didn't remember before… Bob invited us to a party, a fancy one. At his dad's company. Like, champagne and no food besides appetizers." Bucky smiled. "This Saturday," and the smile faded.

"This Saturday?" I nodded. "The game is on Sunday, the big game, against the Avengers."

"Oh..." I'd forgotten about that. "Are you training all day Saturday?"

"Yeep, until nine, but I'll be so tired…" He looked genuinely disappointed. "I'm sorry, I can talk to Ben and-"

"No, it's okay," I assured him. "You guys have been training for so long. It'll be alright, no problem."

"You should go, it'll be good for you. With the game, and this party... you won't have anything to worry about on Monday." I could see how genuine he sounded, but I couldn't tell if it was really a good idea to go without him, not after... 

A kiss shouldn't mean that much, but any emotional contact was always too big for me. Too important to just let it go.

"I don't know..."

"Lena..." he sighed. "I stay out almost every day because of the training and... you can have fun, you know?! You can tell me how the party was when you get home. I'll probably listen for two minutes before I pass out, then you can tell me again on Sunday." I laughed a little.

"I'll think about it."

"Can I pick out your dress?" I looked at him for a moment, and nodded. "You can do some networking! It would be good to have a company like Bob's dad's in our portfolio," He pulled a burrito out of the paper bag. "What do they do again?" he asked, heading toward the bedroom.

"Security. It 's the Sentry."

"Yeah, they have that mascot... the superhero? You could do something cool with that." I nodded, even though he wasn't there to see it, and drank some more soda. 

Any other time, I would have told Bucky about the kiss, like I did in my attempts to find someone who accepted me for who I was some years ago. I never hid anything from him, ever. This time, however, I didn't want to talk to anyone. Not even Ava knew it. It felt too real, and it scared me somehow.

"I can't hear you eating!" He yelled from the bedroom.

"I am!" I lied. 

"You are not!" I laughed a little. “Time to eat or you are not going to work today!” I pulled the paper bag, making way too much noise, just to make him laugh, as I dramatically pulled my burrito from the bag, even though he was not there to see. “That 's right!” He cheered. “What about that dress that I gave you from the factory anniversary?” 

“Your mom said it was too revealing!”

“You can seduce Bob’s dad, we need money!” I laugh out loud this time. “Kids are expensive, think about the baby!”

“I married a gold-digger!”

“Think about the baby! Formula is pricy!” I laughed more. 

Bucky was still my best friend, we still joked the same way… So why didn't I want to share with him this time? About my feelings… About Bob? What was making this so different? 

I let out a long sigh before I started to eat. Maybe I needed to think to myself a little more. 

+++

I hadn't spoken to Bob much that week. I didn't know what to say. He had asked on Thursday if I was still going to the party, and I confirmed that I was, but beyond that, there hadn't been much interaction. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous, first because Bucky wasn't going, and second, was the fact that the insemination hadn't happened yet. It made me tense. As if everything I did from then on would change my fate, forever.

Maybe it would change my entire life; it was hard to say.

My plan was to meet him late in the afternoon, before the party, but Bob called me in the morning. I was awake, getting my mandatory dose of sunlight at nine in the morning, and Bucky was going to accompany his aunts to church before training for the game.

My first thought was that he had forgotten I wasn't going that Saturday morning. My habit of going every weekend for costumes probably made him think I should have arrived by now. Anyway, I was wrong.

"Hi, can you come over?" His voice was shaky, almost tearful, which made me tense.

"Bob, what's wrong?" I get up at once. 

"I need help. Please. Bring your things. It's not serious, but I need help." And he hung up. The "it's not serious" was a bit of a relief, but it didn't make me any less nervous. The thought that it was a new anxiety attack was the first thing that came to mind, which made sense, considering it would be an important party, and it was his father's company.

So I grabbed all my things and left.

The fact that Bucky couldn't go made me kinda sad, I knew he liked parties like that, and to dress up nicely. He really picked out the dress for me, the one he bought for the company's anniversary. It had cost a fortune, had a plunging neckline that would look incredible with big boobs that I unfortunately didn't have, and the lace on the back looked like a spider, and he nicknamed the piece as “Black Widow”.

The dress reminded me of that awful play I had done when I was nineteen. And remembering the play, at that moment, made me think about Bob. And the kiss. Kisses. 

The fact that I wanted more confused me, especially knowing my desire never went beyond that. I would make him want more, just to deny him. It was frustrating.

It was no wonder no one stayed.

I walked into the building expecting anything, but what I encountered when he opened the door. I looked at him for two seconds before bursted out: 

"Are you blond?" He hadn't bleached it very well; there were still dark spots in the roots, and the ends were a little green. Bob looked at me like he was about to cry, but was not the case, clearly something had fallen in his eyes. The yellow was bright, a little too much even. "What happened?"

"I don't know! I thought you weren't coming, and that we would never see each other again, and for some reason I had bleach in the bathroom, and in my head it was a great idea because why not! But it got in my eye, so I washed it out and-"

The laugh escaped before I realized it, because he was talking quickly, moving his hands, and I couldn't stop noticing the tips of his hair looking green and how the left side looked more blond than the other.

"Don't laugh!"

"Sorry!" I said, and finally remembered to close the door, dropping the bag with my things on the floor. "Okay, we'll figure it out. Did you wanted to go blond?"

"No."

"And why did you dye it?"

"I don't know!" I didn't even need to ask to know he hadn't taken his medication. He walked back into the living room, flopping onto the couch. "I feel like an idiot. I did it on impulse, because… Now I'm going to my dad’s party looking like a moron."

"You will not, it was just... a crazy decision." I couldn't be really judgy about that topic. 

During a period of depression, I had an episode, and left in the early hours of the morning, in my pajamas, and walked six miles to Ava's house. Bucky said I must have looked so crazy that no one dared bother me. I couldn't remember if I had met someone on the streets, or if they were just scared of whatever I looked like. Ava and John just wrapped me in some blankets and drove me back home. 

"You can dye it brown again."

"I video called my grandma... she said I looked between twenty-five and thirty-eight." I spat out a laugh again. "Don't laugh!"

"I'm sorry!" But it only made me laugh harder. "We'll dye your hair again, and you'll take your medication." He looked at me, surprised. "I can tell... Why?"

"I don't know…” his tone was sad this time. “I just thought Halloween is coming up and you won't have to come here every weekend. And... and the baby is already…"

"I still didn’t…” I shook my head. “Next week."

"Oh." That's all he said. Bob got up from the couch, and honestly, the blonde wasn't that bad. Maybe a darker shade would have worked better, but this one still looked nice. It was kinda vibrant, and heroic. "It's not a problem, you know?! Not for me... I'm really good with kids."

"Bob..."

"I don't want you to leave." He leaned closer, and I felt my heart race immediately. It had been so long since I'd felt this way, for anyone. "I know exactly what you're like, you're not fooling me, I don't want you to stay... in the moment before for me. I know saying all this probably doesn't seem like much considering this," he nodded to his hair. "But it's real. Every word."

“I know…” I said, and Bob came close enough to hug me. His hands held my waist, and I smiled. “I like the hair… it’s really not that bad. But you kinda look thirty-eight. Maybe forty.” I joked just for his reaction.

“No!” My laugh didn't lasted long, because he kissed me. It was warm, and safe. His tongue still tasted like coffee, and his body smelled like shampoo. Bob held me like I could break into pieces, or disappear in thin air. “We can be happy.” He whispered. “I’m different from… all the others.”

“Everyone says that.”

“I bet you never had a bisexual bipolar who is from Florida. The Florida part makes a big difference from everyone else.” I laughed a little more, his forehead pressed against mine, my eyes closed. Safe. “Bucky won't mind me… I bet there were crazier dynamics out there.” I didn’t answered, I had nothing to say at that moment. 

“Just… Let’s paint your hair, okay? And you need your medication too.” I looked at him and, for better or for worse, Bob knew me well enough to know when I didn't want to talk. He nodded, pressing a kiss to my forehead, going to the kitchen, looking for his meds. 

(...)

"Don't move!" I demanded, trying to make sure both sides of his hair were the same length. The brown dye had saved his hair from one of the worst blondes ever attempted, but the ends didn't survive the sheer number of atrocities in a day, and we had to cut. Or, in this case, I was cutting, while Bob kept trying to look in the mirrors, sitting on a chair that I brought to the closet. 

"What color is your dress?"

"Black. Quiet," I asked again, trimming the ends of his bangs.

"I cut my own hair once. I wanted to do it like Bieber. You know, when he launched his career and everything, 2008 or something like this." I nodded, and the image of Bob with Justin Bieber's hair from 2010 made me smile. "I did, and it looked awful, but for some reason the sides grew longer than the front after some weeks, so I looked like… you know, Velma from Scooby-Doo?" I had to stop cutting when I started laughing.

"Your life is fascinating."

"It gets worse, I thought it was a great idea to get rid of my bangs, and I did it… shaving them off." I looked at him, confused about what exactly he did. "I only shaved the front of my forehead, so besides the ridiculous situation on the sides, I had wisps of hair growing back, I looked like a porcupine! I didn't go to school for a week until my dad decided the solution was to shave all my hair."

"How old were you?"

"About 14." I nodded. "Don't laugh!"

"I would cry if I could," I said, and started laughing. "Do you have pictures of this?"

"I'll never show them." He laughed. "There are two. My mom, unfortunately, has pictures of everything I did. You can clearly see my mind has always been screwed up since I was a kid, ‘cause it’s so obvious in my eyes."

"Don't talk like that," I complained.

"You don't speak better of yourself too." Bob was right, unfortunately. “Go change, we will get late. The hair is good enough.” I didn't comply immediately, and held his face still, looking at the hair once more, just to be sure. He had already changed into a really good suit, that was probably the expensive clothes he had in his closet. 

“Yeah, it will do.” I walked out, and went into the bathroom. I wasn’t creative with my makeup, just wanted to look decent enough for Bob’s family, and the sensation in my chest was similar to the feeling when I met Becky’s family. 

There were so many of them, all with a judgy look in their eyes. Bucky said the women thought I wanted him for the green card, and the men thought Bucky wanted me for my body. It was not even that sexy, but being 22 really sold for them.

His family started to like me by the third encounter. Knowing how to cook, look collected and the sad story of being an orphan really helped my case. 

I looked at myself in the mirror, pulling a strand of hair that was falling off my braids, then looked at my hand, and my wedding ring. 

I wore many rings, but most of them were plain, without stones or embellishments. I didn't take off my wedding ring when I was awake, only doing it to sleep, because the stone bothered me as I tossed around in bed. I sighed, taking it off from my left hand, moving it to the right.

I moved my hands as soon as I did it; Then I changed one of my other rings to my now empty finger, trying to fill that space, so I wouldn't mind the absence. It doesn't have to mean anything... It was just for a day.

"Lena? It's already seven-thirty!"

“I’m done! It's really a gala or I will make a fool of myself?” I left the bathroom, back to his room, and a smile escaped me when Bob looked in my direction. It had been a while since someone looked at me like that. No… Bob looked at me that way with some frequency, yet it felt special this time. I didn’t find my body very attractive, I was no supermodel, but probably looked pretty enough. The dress really helped.

“Bucky chose this dress for you?” He asked and I nodded. “He did on purpose, to torture me.” I could feel my face getting warmer. I usually didn’t enjoy being seen, or desired in any way, but Bob made me feel different, like this wasn’t a bad thing. “You’re so beautiful…”

“Thank you…” I pressed my lips together, and felt my heart race when he got closer. Some people were good at hiding their desire, Bob wasn’t one of them. I could see in his eyes, even his body gave him away. With his pupils dilated, the blue was almost gone. “Bob…”

“I know…” His hand reached for my waist, and I let him get closer, so close that I could feel his body against mine. I didn’t act like this, with anyone, it was not my normal, yet Bob made me feel safe enough to accept it. “It’s different for me too, you know?!” I looked up. I wanted to kiss him, and forget about everything else. 

“It will stop… my desire doesn't go very far.” He nodded. 

“We could work it out. I take strong meds, my libido is practically non-existent! Once a week would be really generous,” I laughed a little at his tone. “Really, you take meds too, so it probably has a similar effect. It’s not like I’m a sex-driven person, we could make it work.” 

“I can still have… orgasms,” it was strange to say out loud. “Even with the medication.”

“I didn’t need to know that, now it’s really torture.” He smiled.

“Bob!” I couldn’t take him seriously at that moment, he wasn’t doing himself any favors, and his broad smile didn’t help. “You… You still want me,” it was funny to say that out loud, like this was a secret between us, that I should ignore for our own good.

“I do…” his face got a little closer and I instinctively closed my eyes, his mouth hovering over mine, “I could take your dress off right now if you let me. I could kiss all your body to make you feel good,” even if dirty talk didn’t move me, it still made me red. Knowing that he wanted me so much was strange in a way, especially after I stopped looking for a similar feeling, one that would fit me. 

“In some months, when I cannot reciprocate in the way you want… you will see all this differently. You will get tired, and move on.” Like everyone before him did. While it’s new, everything was fun, and exciting. In some months he would let go. And it was fine. I couldn't blame him for it.

“Can you please believe me? I’m not going anywhere.” I smiled, discussing wouldn’t get us very far. I pulled away, looking down at the wooden floor. “I know who you are, Yelena. I want you exactly like this.” I didn’t answer, there was no reason to. In time, his mind would change about every word. 

“We need to go, it's getting late,” I said, holding his face with both my hands. The desire was still there in his eyes, lingering. So real that was almost palpable. “I really want to meet your grandma.” He smiled a little, pressing a kiss to my forehead.

“She will adore you.”

+++

Bob's grandmother was exactly what I expected her to be. She reminded me of Jane Fonda, and she really looked like a movie star. Bob's apartment made more sense now that I could see who it belonged to; Of course, it had mirrored walls and dozens of jewelry drawers, Ethel Reynolds was just cool like that!

"I told Annie to come a day early; she's stuck in an airport in Texas right now," she said, explaining Bob's mother's absence. The weather was horrible down there, which caused her flight to be canceled. "She was so excited to meet you, darling; the last time Bob introduced us to a girlfriend was in high school. We knew about others, but he never cared to introduce them."

"Grandma!" Bob lowered his face, which was turning red. I laughed, not about to deny it in front of his grandmother. 

"He had a boyfriend too, when started college. The boy wasn't the best-looking, and was a little mean too, but I tried to be positive." Bob opened his mouth to speak, but stopped, giving up on a reply, which made me press my lips together, trying not to laugh. "Thank God for your face, you're so pretty, honey."

"Thank you." A laugh escaped this time, and I covered my mouth with my hand.

I usually didn't like parties like this, at least not without Bucky around and at least two glasses of champagne to make my mind a little lighter, but Bob's grandmother certainly helped, and so did he. The place made me feel poor; it was one of those grand rooms in Manhattan that made you forget there was even noise outside. The fact that I was only there because I had found Bob on an app was the kind of experience I never thought would happen in my life. 

Bob’s dad went to talk to us just for a minute before having to shake hands a hundred times. Without his wife, he was giving his all to be a good host, talking with every person he could find. Bob really looked like him, like seeing him thirty years in the future. 

"So you two went to the same university?" She asked, and we nodded. Judging by the dates, Bob started around the same time as me, but while I continued my studies even with depression destroying me inside, he stopped for a few years and came back to finish. "And your sister was my neighbor."

"Same building," I said.

"Why didn't you meet her before, Robert?" his grandmother asked. 

"That's not how it works, Grandma." he said, the story he told her was that we met at the Watchtower, the cafeteria we went on our first “date”, which wasn't exactly a lie, we really did meet there. 

“Good thing you found her anyway.” I smiled, feeling my cheeks getting warm. Bob was standing by my side, not really touching me, but I could feel he wanted to. “Bob’s grandpa worked in the same building I did for years here in New York, but I only met him when I went to spend a time with my father’s side of the family, in Florida. I thought he was following me, so I broke a bottle in his head. Turns out we lived in the same street, he was just going home.”

“Five stitches.” Bob said, making her smile. “A day in the hospital.”

“And fifty-seven years of marriage, love always finds its way.” It was cute, find love like this, by chance. “Took a while, but you found her too.” I felt something in my chest when she said that, pressing my heart down.

“Can you excuse me for a minute? I’m really not that good in spaces with many people.” I said, and Bob’s grandma smiled at me. 

“Of course, darling.” I smiled back to her, then to Bob, before walking to the elevator hall. 

The room was packed, and suddenly the sound of several voices at once was making me anxious, the ambient music wasn't helping. The elevator was empty when I entered, I didn’t wanted to leave, so I headed to the rooftop. There were probably people there; the intention wasn't to be alone, just to... get out.

The cold wind that blew in my face certainly helped; there were high chairs, a small bar, and the balcony was enclosed in glass. The noise was now from the city, but we were high enough that it wasn't a nuisance. The wind whistled a little. There were six people there: a man sitting alone on the phone, two couples talking to each other, and the bartender who clearly didn't want to be there.

I walked closer to the balcony. 

When I first moved, I used to go to bars like this, on top of anything, because the city looked nicer from above. Natasha joked that it was better to go out at night because it was cooler, so the city smelled less. I never minded; big cities smelled. Smoke, dust, a lot of urine, and something very specific that I couldn't tell if it was pollution or just the day's breeze. Maybe both.

By the almost translucent reflection in the glass, I saw him approaching.

"Lena?" Bob's voice was very low, because he didn't want to scare me. I turned to him and smiled. "Is everything okay? We can leave if..."

"It's okay, I'm fine." He came closer, stopping beside me. “It’s… it’s just cool to watch the city sometimes.” 

"The company came here when I was six," Bob said after some minutes in silence, "And I was so excited to come and visit for the first time... there was this series, I don't remember it much anymore, but I never forgot the opening. New York turned into a magical kingdom... like, it was a parallel universe. The buildings turned into castles and mountains, and the pigeons were fairies. The protagonist ended up there helping a prince who had turned into a dog, a golden retriever."

"What?"

"Yeah!" I laughed along with him. "I thought the city was magical."

"It's still a little, what other city would have three rats that run together called Cerberus?" I said, and he laughed harder. "I need to see this series now. Prince who turns into a dog, I'll find it somewhere."

"It's probably not good, but six-year-old Bob loved it." He turned to me, and I did the same. "What happens... after Halloween, when you don't have to make costumes anymore?"

"We can go to Watchtower and have coffee.” I tried to suggest, and sound positive. “And I'll even go to your graduation in December too… after the game tomorrow, that Bucky probably will lose, there is another one before they do it all again next year, and you can go watch it!"

“It 's not enough.”

“Bob-”

“I-...” I could feel he was nervous, it was difficult to let it out, his bottom lip started to tremble, “I’m in love with you.” 

I wanted to say something, but any word I could express was stuck in my throat at that moment. 

“I know you are… you are different, and… will be not easy, for both of us, ‘cause my mind is fucked up even with the madication, but… but we can make it work.” I started to blink, feeling my eyes filing with tears. I couldn’t cry, not at that moment. 

“I’m… I'm married. I will have a baby.” I murmured back. 

“I-It 's okay!” his hands were trembling too, he holded mine. “I was honest, I’m really good with kids.” A laugh escaped me, and it was enough for him to come a little closer, his fingers touching my face. It was sweaty, so the wind made it feel a little colder. “You let Bucky be happy, and be himself… You can have it too. I know you want more. I can give it to you.”

“I don’t want to lose you when you can handle me anymore.” I said, honestly. I didn't want to not be able to see him again, to lose another person I loved and cared for, because I couldn't provide what they wanted. It’s all nice in the beginning, but it never lasted. 

“I know you.”

“Bob-”

“I know you.” He repeated, firmly. “I know you.” 

He kissed me, and my whole body felt warm. I never kissed anyone in public, not even a little peek. Never wanted before, yet I did it this time. I could feel his arm around my waist and his left hand on my face, pulling me as if there was some way to get me closer. He hummed in satisfaction with his tongue in my mouth and knowing that he was feeling good, made me feel good too. I touched his face with one hand, the other squeezing his shoulder, feeling my feet lift off the ground. 

It felt magical, in a way. Like a dream. 

“Please…” He asked, and I nodded. 

“Yes.” I didn’t know what exactly I was saying “yes” for. There were too many questions, and maybe it wasn't a yes for any of them. Just for Bob. 

A yes for Bob. 

(...)

We came back to Brooklyn in an uber car. I laid my head on his shoulder and Bob laid his head on top of mine. It was a little after midnight, and I hadn't had a drink because I was still driving home. 

Bob wanted me to stay for the night, but I needed to take it one step at a time if I was going to make this work. Bob helped me out when the car stopped in front of his building. The streetlights right in front of it were dim, but it wasn't that dark.

"I'll see you next week?" he asked.

"Yes, I'll finish my Rapunzel dress. And you're still going to the Halloween party with us, right?" He nodded, and seemed ready to say something when he grabbed me by the shoulders and turned me around.

"That's them!" he pointed, and right under the streetlight, a few feet away from us, there it was. Cerberus. The three little mice together - I mean, they were huge, and at a quick glance, they really did look like a creature from another world or a deformed dog, - but it was three rats, side by side. 

"My God," I said. The middle one was bigger than the others, and the three of them were standing together. "It's like seeing a celebrity." We walked a little to the side as the three of them ran, crossing the street till disappearing into the side street. I was fascinated. "In the magical dimension, they're a three-headed dragon."

"It makes perfect sense, but I still go with the Underworld dog," He said.

“Yeah, that’s valid.” He cupped my face before kissing me again. Bob went bolder about it, as if that little "yes" in the rooftop had immediately awakened something in him, and he couldn't stop kissing me, over and over. 

"Are you sure you don't want to stay? I'm not going to try anything."

"I know." I pressed my forehead against his. "I still need... I need to think. I'll see you next Saturday, okay? Don't dye your hair again, you'll go bald."

"This brown is lighter than my natural one, so it's much more Anakin... in a way, it was almost intentional." I laughed a little. He pulled my phone out of his pocket, giving me back, and I smiled at him before going into my car. He held the door open, looking to the sides then back to me, “Let me know when you get there. And you can call me anytime." I nodded. "Okay..." He started to close the door, but opened again, stealing a quick kiss from my lips, and then really closed it.

“Bye.”

“Bye.” I waved from the open window, and was still smiling when I headed home. 

I drove in silence, because when I turned on the radio, the music started to irritate me. So I just looked at the road, and at the stores that were open. There were many. It reminded me of when I first arrived in the country, and realized that people didn't usually closed their stores for lunch and the overflow of 24 hour places. Maybe it was different in other states, it was hard to say, I never went anywhere besides Jersey and California. 

Bucky's car was in the driveway, so I assumed he was home. The game was tomorrow, so he should be asleep too, so I entered quietly, kicking off my heels near the door. It still felt strange to be away from him for so long; Bucky was with me for almost everything, and now we had a completely different routine.

I walked barefoot toward the bedroom, turning on every light as I went, only to find the room empty. It was one in the morning. I texted Bob, saying I was home. The “read-signal” went blue immediately, and I smiled at the idea he was just waiting for me.

"Lena?" Bucky called after I had just finished changing into my pajamas. He wasn't wearing his training clothes; in fact, he was actually quite well-dressed, except for the missing buttons on his white shirt and the messy hair. He smelled of cigarettes. Bucky didn't smoke. "I thought you weren't going to sleep at home."

"I never sleep away from home." He laughed, shrugging. I sat on the bed, watching him undress. "How was practice?"

"It ended early, I went out... to a bar with Sam. In Jersey," he added the last part quietly.

"Jersey? The party with Bob was in Manhattan." He stopped for a second, looking at me, guilty. "You could have told me you didn't want to go, it wasn't a problem."

"I know." He came closer, kneeling down in front of me. "But you've been so sad this week, I thought the party would cheer you up, and didn't wanted to make you feel sad again." I nodded.

"It's okay,” I smiled. “You can sleep all day tomorrow for your game."

"There's Mass tomorrow," he said.

"You're waking up at five in the morning?" I laughed a little; it was unbelievable. He slept at eight on Saturdays to wake up in time for Sunday masses! "It's okay to miss just one day." His eyes looked even more guilty. "Bucky... an open marriage isn't. exactly a divine design. You don’t need to go there and-"

"It 's fine." When he took off his shirt, I could see a rounded, red mark on his neck. It was near his shoulder, so the collar would hide it. "This is all temporary. It'll be over when the baby comes. It’s just… some missteps along the way."

Missteps?

"Bucky, I don't care. As long as you take care of yourself, you can keep it with as many people as you want-"

"No."

"But..." I went in silence.

After that first time, when I thought I would find someone who was also asexual to spend the rest of my life with, I never considered divorce again. There was no reason. Now, the idea crosses my mind almost every day. But free Bucky of me, wouldn't really freed him. Nor me. 

"You better get some sleep, you need to be rested for the game."

I wasn’t ready to talk about it, and so was he. I could tell in Bucky’s eyes, almost begging me to stop discussing, and let it go, at least for now. He knew I was keeping things to myself, the same way I knew that he was doing the same. He really was my best friend, as I was his. 

At least for a little longer, we could stay quiet. 

Chapter Text

Bucky carried me out of the clinic even after the doctor and the staff told him that was not necessary. He was nervous that I would trip and fall, and walked so slow that made me laugh all the way to the car. The drive back home was mostly silent if not for Bucky asking me, from time to time, if I was okay. 

The next two weeks would probably be the strangest of my life. 

In two weeks maybe I would know if I was a mother, or my period would come, as always did, in the first week of every month, and then I would need to try again. The idea of keeping trying, even with a controlled medical procedure, was not appealing to me, but I had to admit that would be less trouble than the natural way.

“You should just lay down for the rest of the day,” Bucky said after carrying me inside, kicking the door shut, then walking to our bedroom, and putting me in bed. My shoes fell in the hallway, but at least saved him the trouble to take them off. He was still too worried, and probably wouldn’t leave my side the whole day. “I will make lunch, don’t move!”

“Bucky, she won’t slide down my legs,” he laughed a little, but came closer, to fluffing the pillow under me. “The doctor said I could go back to my natural routine. I will not do any physical exercise or something drastic.”

“I know, but we need to be careful.” He inhaled deeply, “We should go to the church today. I think, you know… would be good for her,” I was ignoring the fact that we already gendered the baby. The idea of a baby girl was really bright in my head, but I would love a boy too, the gender really didn't matter that much. “It would be good to improve our chances.”

“With prayers?” I was not one to doubt his faith, but I couldn’t help but find it a little bit funny. I would never laugh, however. “You… you can do that thing… a Novena?” I was not sure about the word, it sounded a little strange, but he seemed to understand what I meant. 

“You're right.” He put his hands on his hips, looking down. “I’m so worried… it feels more real now.”

“I know…” I hugged my legs. The doctor said my period coming back was not ideal and talked about delaying for some more days, but Bucky thought it would be a good idea to try. I could tell in his eyes that he was overthinking that decision, he was doing it since we left the clinic. “It 's fine. We will be fine.” 

“Bucky…”

“All fine.” He repeated, nodding a bunch of time before he left. “Do you want pasta?”

“Yeah.” I said back, laying in bed, trying to not insist. 

The day before was funny, the Thunderbolts lost the game, but was not that bad, 14-18 was a good score, and the next game for December was a day after Bob’s graduation ceremony. He sent me a message that morning, wishing me luck with the procedure. 

Everything Bob said in that party was going in circles in my mind, filling me with hopes, and tormenting me with bad omens. Because, it's all cool in the beginning. It's fun, and new. 

Then, one day, he will not want a woman that doesn't have sexual desire for him. A woman that has a child. Not even his child. 

Having Bucky with me was luck… so much luck. Most of the ones I knew, asexuals like me, were alone. People usually don't value platonic relationships in the same standards as romantic ones, and the romantic ones they manage to get, mostly never lasted. Sometimes, they were lucky enough to find good partners, but it was a lucky strike. And mostly, they still had a family. Parents. Siblings. Cousins and uncles… I lost them all. 

I put my hands over my belly, and closed my eyes. In my mind I could picture a baby that would look like Bucky. A tiny thing with dark hair and blue eyes. They would be my friend too, at least I hoped so. I could be a good mother. And that… that would be enough.

+++

Seeing Bob again after the party had been making me anxious all week. I'd said "yes" to him, but I knew, like everyone else that came into my life before Bucky, that he wouldn't stay for long. Yet, it had been a while since I had let myself live in the moment, so it was strange to think I was doing it right now. 

I would have it, just like Bucky had Sam. Just for a while. 

It hadn't snowed yet, but it was cold enough for me to start wearing thicker tights and heavier coats over my dresses again. I stood in front of his door, like I did almost every week, feeling like my heart was about to leap out of my chest. In that brief time, I could have just been a girl in love.

Bob didn't give me time to process it. As soon as he opened the door, he pulled me into a hug, lifting me off the ground, and I laughed as he carried me inside like a doll. He had something in his hands; I could feel the edges of the box against my back, even with the coat, but I just stayed in the embrace until I felt him carefully put me down.

"You did..." He pulled away enough to look at my belly, and I nodded. "Are he-... she… are they there yet?" I laughed a little at his attempts to not gender the baby. 

"Yes and no. I mean, we did it, but we're not sure, yet. It might not happen, so we'll try again till it does." Bob nodded, looking seriously at my belly as if he could see if the baby was there or not. 

“So… it’s a maybe.”

“Yes.” I smiled.

"Okay... My family wasn't born rich, but my grandfather was always very good at pretending, and he picked up that tradition from some old, rich families back in Florida. And probably it's not a Florida thing, it’s just…" He handed me a small, long Tiffany's box. "It's for good luck." 

“Tiffany 's?”

“It’s not a ring. It's for the baby.” 

I looked at him before pulling the ribbon around the box and opening it. It was a spoon. A silver spoon, at the end of the handle, there was a heart embedded.

"Every Reynolds gets one. And I'm not trying to steal Bucky's baby, it's just... luck." I smiled at him, looking back at the spoon. It was so small, and shiny. “The attendant girl said something about silver spoons being good to feed babies, but this is probably made up to sell more.” I laughed a little.

"I love it." He kissed me when I looked at him, and I laughed because I could feel how excited he was for it. So I kissed him back. I could feel his happiness on the touch. It made me feel like I was floating, my chest was warm, so was my face. The sensation was good. 

“Oh, and this finally arrived." He pulled me by the hand into the kitchen, and on the counter were two brand new lightsabers. "It took so long, I was worried I wouldn't make it in time." He turned them both on, and they both made the igniting sound, just like in the movies. A blue and a red one. "Oh, and look at that." He slammed one saber against the other, and they made the sound of sabers clashing.

"You maxed out your credit card, didn't you?" I put the small box on the counter too.

"Actually, don’t. But I got pretty close, and it was the first time, I never spent much, not even in mania.”

“Congratulations on that.” I laughed. Bob tossed the red saber to me, and I caught it before it hit the floor. The handle was longer than it looked in the movies, or was just my perspective, and the light was bright in my face. "This is really cool."

"I thought about getting the purple one, just for your Rapunzel dress, but it was sold out on the site." I smiled before swinging the saber, and the "blades" dramatically clashed, making the same noise as in the movies. Using a lightsaber was harder than I thought; it was a bit heavy, my wrists hurt from the impact, but I didn't want to stop. It was fun to pretend we were actually fighting.

"Is there any risk of breaking?" The material looked strong, but it was hard to tell. 

"It was made for this, don’t worry." I laughed, as we walked through the living room, the blades clashing in our intergalactic fencing. Now that almost everything was ready, except for my dress, Bob moved the table from the living room back from one of the empty rooms. The pieces of my costume were folded on the sofa.

"Let me try something..." I tried to spin the saber like Anakin did in the movies, but it slipped from my fingers, hitting the mannequin behind me, and knocking it to the floor. "Oh my god, I killed Lindy." Bob laughed out loud. "Don't laugh, she's dead!" her pink wig flew away, slipping to the corridor, and one of her arms fell off too.

"You can heal her with the Force." I scowled at him, lifting Lindy back up and placing her in her spot by the window. Bob walked to me with the arm and her wig, putting it back in place. "I think I'll have to get rid of her around here. It's not safe for the baby." I turned to him.

"You don't have to adapt your life for me."

"I want to." He bent down, picking up my saber from the floor, and placed them both on the kitchen counter. "I want you with me,” he came closer again, “And the little one is part of the package, so I want them too." 

“You don’t know me long enough to make these decisions.”

“I do.” Bob held my face, making me look at him. “I know you.”

I pulled his face close, pressing a kiss to his lips. I could almost taste the feeling of my heart breaking when all this ended. 

Bob took me from the ground again, walking with me into the hallway. 

Make out was the easy part for me. It was simple. Bob was right, he knew me. Enough to hold lightly, to not scare me away from his touch. His lips were eager, however, so was his tongue. He didn’t hold back, letting sighs escape his mouth. I embraced him when Bob pressed my body against the mattress, and I could feel my body “shutting down” almost immediately.  

It was funny in the beginning. I never understood why the slight move in the direction of sex made me turn off like a toy without a battery in every relationship I had. I didn't have sexual attraction or desire to really do it, so my next move would be guided only by my desire to perform for him. Bob moved a little bit, enough for me to see his face. 

“You’re so beautiful…” he smiled at me, his fingers caressing my cheek. “Don’t worry, I know you’re not ready to… eat the cake.” a laugh escaped me. “This is the best analogy ever. I really feel like a delicious chocolate cake.”

“It’s… it’s not frustrating?”

“I told you, my libido is not that good. We can thank the medication for that.” I moved a strand of hair falling next to his left eye. “You don’t need to worry about me. I’m happy. I’m so happy… I never confessed to someone before, and you are here now.” I pressed a kiss on the corner of his mouth. “I still can’t believe it.”

“Your hair gets a little green under the sunlight… We need to cut a little more.” I said, moving another strand, and his smile got a little bigger, having fun with my inability to be romantically open. “I’m sorry. I’m not good with this… not anymore.”

“It 's okay… don’t worry about it.” I kissed him again. 

Knowing that we wouldn’t ask more from me made me feel better, and when he held me, I wasn’t worried about the next move. I smiled as he pampered my face with kisses, so I took his lips with mine again. The eagerness in his touch didn't scare me away, because I knew him.

His kisses went down to my neck, warm and soft. I caressed his face when his lips went back to mine, moving my fingers to his hair. My hands slipped down to his body, under his shirt, knowing he would like it, and it was good enough. 

For now, it was all good. 

+++ 

Bucky loved costumes; it was like seeing his 10-year-old self return, not that I even knew him back then. I wasn't even a plan! But he adores it, and had probably mistaken the chameleon for a frog, because he was hopping around the house, fascinated by the fact that I managed to get the chameleon's curly tail into the perfect shape with wires and paper.

"We need to see Peter before the party; he'll love it," Bucky said, grabbing some fries. 

We always ordered food before the Halloween party because the bar would get so packed for the competition that any order took at least an hour and a half. The contests were taken very seriously, and the prize this year was a thousand dollars, and there was even a jury.

"Is Sam going?" I asked.

"He said he'd try. Johnny said so too, the whole team actually, but I wouldn’t count on them for earlier than two in the morning. Ah, and the baseball team will probably go too." I looked at him, silently judging what that meant. "It's a public place."

"I know." The fact that some specific people were going bothered me. 

It wasn't like their presence was exactly a problem, but Brock and Dreykov were big troublemakers. There was a kind of angry energy emanating from them, always judging others, as if they were better and more righteous. But just as we couldn't stop them from attending church or being on the baseball team, we couldn't stop them from going to a party.

"It'll be fine, and next year they probably won't even be back on the team." He pulled up his hood, so his chameleon eyes were more prominent and laughed when Bucky jumped again.

"Your knees are good as hell."

"Right? They're better than yours." He laughed some more. "Do you think I should take a break from baseball? When the baby is born."

"It's important to have things of our own besides the baby," I said, running my hands over my dress. Dress... "I don't have any clothes for when I get a big belly... and what if I never fit into my clothes again?"

"We'll buy new ones two numbers up." Bucky tried to move his head to make the hood fall back, but it wasn't working. 

"My clothes aren't mom clothes."

"You'll be the cool mom who wears leather pants and short dresses that people will judge, but it'll make you look cooler to our kid’s friends. Don't worry about it." I smiled. Bucky had a solution for everything. I pushed the braid back, eating the last fries in the package. Even though it was extensions, my hair still felt a bit heavy, especially with the amount of flowers I added.

My phone screen on the kitchen table lit up. Bob's message was simply: "I’m on my way". I smiled and looked at Bucky, still hopping in our living room. He knew about Bob and I, and he didn't, at the same time. Just like I knew about Sam, but didn't know how deep their relationship was. 

It was better that way, made the fantasy about this more vivid. 

"Let’s go,” he said. “I really want to see Peter before his bedtime."

(...)

I should have expected that Halloween would be messy. It’s always messy. Most of our halloweens were a mess in alcohol and terrorizing the neighborhood with the kids — Bucky was way too good at throwing eggs in windows, but this time really went downhill in a way I wouldn't have expected. Not even in my wildness dreams. 

The bar wasn't the best for ordering food that day, but drinks arrived quickly. Bob and Bucky thought it was a great idea to have three shots of vodka each, because according to them, they were drinking for me too. Seeing how well Bucky and Bob got along was fascinating, because it was exactly what I had hoped for when I searched for Bob on that app. 

The place was crowded, but not so crowded that I felt anxious. The costumes ranged from well-made ones like mine, Bucky, and Bob, to those bought at Walmart that had so many wrinkles in the cheap fabric that they made the costume even more fun.

“Ava is coming with Walker,” I said, but both of them were more focused on the lightsaber. 

“Why didn’t you bring the other one, man?” Bucky was fascinated about the thing, he did not even liked Star Wars that much. “We could be dueling on the streets.” I laughed. 

“The neighbors would complain about you again!” He received complaints every Halloween, but most of our neighbors got used to it and just ignored him for this day. 

“Hey! Johnny!” Bucky waved toward the entrance, and I turned to see Johnny and his boyfriend, Joaquin. Joaquin was wearing a Ghostface costume, and Johnny was wearing a shoulder-length brown wig, a lilac blouse, and a denim jacket. The makeup was atrocious, a clear sigh that he did himself. "Who the fuck are you?"

"I'm Sidney!" Johnny said, and I spat out a laugh. "I'd be a really ugly woman."

“No, you just apply makeup like a toddler. It's hot as hell here.” Joaquin opened his black cape, tossing to the sides, but the black shirt under helped to keep the visual. “Hi, I'm Joaquin, this is Johnny." he introduced just in case, Johnny waved with both hands. Joaquin extended his hand to Bob, who shook it. "What a cool costume, man, where did you get it?"

"My beautiful wife made it for him!" Bucky said proudly, still swinging the lightsaber back and forth. "Because she's cool like that."

"How much did he drink?" Johnny asked me quietly.

"Three shots," I said, and he nodded. "Drunky-Bucky" was a familiar occurrence among the entire team. “Two more and we will lose him.”

"Yours is amazing too, Yelena. The details are crazy work.” I smiled at him. “And what's the gecko's name again?" Joaquin asked.

"It's a frog," Bucky corrected.

"It's a chameleon," Bob corrected him.

"The name's Max," Johnny said.

"No, it's Pedro!" I started laughing when Bob said it. Honestly, I didn't remember the chameleon name anymore, but watching the four of them try so hard to remember it was amusing.

"I know... It's Eugene!" Bucky concluded.

"No, that's Flynn's name!" I reminded them.

"It's Pascal!" a girl shouted from outside the group, making us laugh until I looked back and saw where the voice had come from. It was from the next table, where Brock and Dreykov were. Brock was alone, while Dreykov had brought his wife and his oldest daughter, Antonia. She was the one who answered. Antonia was my age, maybe a little younger or older; it was hard to tell.

She was dressed as one of the twins from The Shining, the other one of the duo being her stepmother, who was probably only about five years older than her. Dreykov, like Brock, wasn't wearing any costume at all, just their regular clothes. 

Bucky waved at them, trying to be friendly, and received the most unpleasant smiles one could hope for.

"Why are they here?" Johnny whispered to me, and I just gave him a look like, ‘I don't know.’ They always went to parties in the community, just to look miserable at them. The baseball games were one of the few times they didn't seem to be in a place as if they were forced to attend.

“Timmy! Another round, tequila this time!” Johnny yelled at the bartender that gave him a thumbs up. A group of Winx girls passed by us, then a guy covered in toilet paper as a mummy. The variety was really the funny part. 

“Tequila? You want to kill my husband?” He laughed.

“He will survive. They’re serving drinks today?”

“It will start at nine, with the contest.” I said. “Bob is waiting for his pina colada.” And I couldn’t help but smile at him when I looked in his direction.

“You’re not drinking?” Joaquin asked me. 

“I need to be the sober one with these two,” I lied. I didn’t remember if I could drink, but November was a day away, and my period, or the absence of it, was closer also, so it was better to not take any risks with alcohol. 

“I can’t believe you didn't take off your beard!” Bucky complained loudly and we turned to the door. Ava and Walker were dressed as Rose and Jack from Titanic, I even lent her a red hair wig. They did a really good job with the clothes, at least keeping the color palette with her blue dress and the white shirt and brown pants for him, but Walker kept his beard. “You need to sacrifice for the art, man.”

“No way, we are not doing the competition this year, so- This is a lightsaber?” He reached out to grab it from Bucky's hand. A waiter brought the shots, even for me, and this time Bucky gave mine to Bob. They would be wasted before midnight. 

“It makes all the sounds! It’s for battle! And he has another one!” Bucky was obsessed. Maybe he would finally watch the movies from beginning to end after all these years. 

“I’m almost going home just to get the other,” Bob said. 

“After the results!” Bucky wouldn’t lose the big moment and the chance of winning a thousand dollars, he was sure that we would get at least the second place in the duo category. “We go there and fight in fucking Manhattan.” 

“You live in Manhattan?” Walker asked.

“Brooklyn.” Bob laughed after, and waved to me as I was far from him. His mind was getting lost. 

“That fag came,” I heard a male voice saying. Dreykov’s table was next to me, Brock was right behind me in the seating arrangement, so I knew it was him. Dreykov laughed in a perverse tone.

Brock was just two years older than Bucky, but he looked older, like the evilness in him made him age faster. Black hair, black eyes, crossbones tattoo on his neck, way too white to the combination not look a little unsettling. He had a family with money but wanted to be a cop, yet was so bad that was fired for extreme violence. 

Bucky said that he had beaten two kids in an operation, one of them white, both innocent. Brook got just three years in prison, then was back on the streets. Of course he and Dreykov were friends. And of course they hated gay people. 

“Sam!” Bucky raised his hand, so the man could see us.

I turned again, and Sam was with a Cinderella costume, a bob blond wig and a blue dress from Walmart that probably wasn’t all the way closed in the back. Bucky's laugh made the group laugh too, and Sam started to pose, his big arms almost ripping the fabric. 

“I came to win this fucking contest!” He dramatically announced, “What the hell, you’re a gecko?”

“Pascal!” The whole table said at the same time, and I laughed a little more. If the place wasn’t already so noisy, probably people would complain about us.

“And it’s a chameleon.” Bob added in a low voice. 

The moment Sam moved closer to Bucky, Bob came to my side. A silent dance, our secrets getting in their right positions. Ava looked at me, a worried expression on her face when Bob got closer to me. I smiled back at her… Our next conversation would be something else.

“Babe, they opened the list,” Bucky pointed to the right, a small line forming. There was good competition this year, they banned armors since the fight about an Optimus Prime cosplay last Halloween, that was way too professional, so now, nothing with that level was allowed. 

I walked there and felt Bob behind me. It was not that strange, Bucky and I weren't that kind of couple that do everything together and Bob was there for me after all, but it was hard for me not to worry. I felt seen. Like someone would pull off the curtains and reveal that the beautiful play that was my marriage was built in rags and rotten wood boards. 

“You’re okay?” Bob asked, and I nodded, smiling at him. It didn’t lasted. “You don’t need to lie to me.” 

“I’m worried. There are too many people that… that are close to us here,” I stopped behind a guy in a vampire cosplay, Bob stayed by my side. I could feel the back of his hand touching mine, and he moved a little, brushing against my skin. His fingers tried to reach for mine, like we could intertwine. My heart was racing, like this was forbidden. It was. I wanted to hold his hand. 

“This dress looks more beautiful now that you are wearing it.” He said, and I could see the longing in his eyes. I look back, but just for a second, because I was scared to get caught staring. 

“Name and character?” The guy responsible for taking the names asked me.

“Yelena and James. Rapunzel and Pascal” I answered.

“And you?” He asked Bob.

“I don’t want to, but thanks.” The confusion in the guy's face was obvious, with such a good costume, Bob could get at least third place. “I’m good.” Bob's touch was gone when we turned to come back, and I missed it. 

It was so strange, especially because it was not sexual. Part of me wanted it to be. It would be easier if it was. Normal. I just wanted him to hold me, all the time. It was enough. 

“We’re gonna win, babe!” Bucky was one shot away from being kicked out of the bar. His arm went to Sam’s shoulders, and I saw Dreykov and Brock looking at them. 

“It’s just a hug”, I said to myself. “There was no reason to be scared. Nobody knows.” 

(…) 

“First place in the duo category, that’s my wife right there!” Bucky’s mind was long gone, but at least he was having fun. We really did win, and he made me pose with everyone, and then alone with the big cardboard check of a thousand dollars. Bob was taking pictures of me because Bucky couldn’t make the phone focus and all his pictures were blurry. 

“It’s enough pictures, Bob. Thanks.” I have exhausted all my pose ideas. Ava, Walker, Johnny and Joaquin were taking drinks at the bar, Walker loved the sweet extravagant ones that barely had alcohol. 

“We should go now to get Bob's lightsaber!” Bucky said, he really didn’t give up on that idea.

“Bob, say no to him,” Sam asked, and I laughed. “Do it, Bob. Say no to him.”

“We can go.” Bob said, making Sam dramatically shake his wig in complaint.

“Bob, don’t endorse him!” I complained too. 

“Bob is a true friend, let’s go Bob.” Bucky hugged his shoulders and pulled Bob in the exit direction. “Hey guys! We're going to get the saber!” He screamed at the others, Ava was the only one that gave a thumbs up back, the boys were too focused on their colorful drinks. I laughed before following them, Sam right beside me. “It cost like a thousand dollars or is it not that expensive?”

“Was six hundred each, actually. I saw on Reddit about it, probably there are less expensive ones,” the cold night made me tremble a little. Sam took the cardboard of my hand, carrying it for me. I smiled at him, we both were still walking behind them, Bob was keeping Bucky walking straight, cause his balance was almost gone. 

Our car was two streets ahead because there was no place to park closer. If I knew what was coming, I would never have left the bar. 

I felt another presence before we even walked for more than a minute. Then I heard a loud laughter.

“Hey, fag!” Sam looked at me, his hand reached my arm, making me walk a little faster, not looking back. Bucky and Bob, some feet away from us, didn’t seem to notice. “I’m talking to you.” he insisted. My heart sank, feeling he was getting closer. 

“Run.” Sam whispered to me. 

“I’m talking to you!” He screamed this time. 

It went too fast. Brock was drunk, it was obvious in his voice, he pulled the cardboard check in a strong motion, making Sam lose balance, tripping and falling against the asphalt. I paralyzed. My eyes scanned his body, looking for a gun that he gladly didn’t have. Brock laughed, pointing at Sam’s face. I felt hands reaching for my arms, pulling me away, and Bucky came closer, shoving Brock to the ground.

“What the hell is wrong with you?!” He screamed at Brock. The man jumped from the floor straight to Bucky, like a football player, aiming at his chest, making him fall to the ground on his left arm, his head hitting the ground after. 

I screamed, trying to reach for him, while Brock got at him, hit his face with a punch. Bob dragged me away from them, while Sam pushed Brock off Bucky's body, hitting his face with a punch, and another. 

“Bucky!” I screamed for him, when he didn’t move. He was unconscious. “Help! Help!” I started to scream, feeling my voice scratching. Brock hit Sam back, making him fall to the side on the ground. “Help!” I screamed again, but didn’t even know if someone had heard me with the loud music. 

“He will hurt you, he will hurt you,” Bob repeated while I still tried to reach them. “Yelena, don’t move, ok? Don’t move!” He pulled me away a little more before letting me go, then ran to help Sam, holding Brock’s arms from behind him. Sam got back enough to hit the man with two more punches, and Brock screamed, trying to get free of Bob, but he didn’t let go. 

Bucky moved a little, just a little turn on his head, and this made me feel relieved. He was awake. 

Brock tried to get to Sam again when he freed himself, but Bob kicked his left leg from behind, making him fall on his knees. Bob was sober than the others, so his punch aimed better, making Brock fall again. At a distance, I saw people leaving the bar, running at us. Brock managed to get up, looking from Sam, to Bob and Bucky, still on the ground. 

Then he looked at the bar. Joaquin, Johnny and Walker were running to us, screaming at him, and he ran the other way, passing by me, shoving my body out of the way. I tripped to the side, but stood on both feet. 

My first instinct was to run to Bucky, kneeling by his side. He hit his head, and his left arm didn’t look good. 

“Bucky? Bucky, are you hearing me?” I asked. More people were coming closer. 

Walker, Johnny and Joaquin were still running after Brock, I could hear Ava and someone else talking about calling the police. I could  feel Bob and Sam’s presence around me, Sam’s hand reaching for Bucky, touching his chest. 

“I think I broke my arm… that bitch…” a half cry, half laugh escaped me and I would hug him if I could. He was okay enough to be sassy. 

“We’re going to the hospital, ok?! You will be fine,” I said, hoping that my words were true. 

(…) 

Bucky broke his arm. The doctor said his head was fine, but would be better if he stayed in the hospital for the night, to be sure. I heard every word like it was coming from far away. Bob and Ava took care of everything, while I sat in a chair in the waiting room, feeling lost like I never did before. 

Sam was hurt, but nothing serious, so he went home, Ava and him just left together, she gave him a ride back, while I stayed, with Bob by my side. They didn’t let me spend the night with Bucky, saying the ward was too packed. Even so, I insisted on staying a little longer, so Bob promised Ava that he would drive me home. 

“You need to sleep, Lena.” He said, sitting by my side. “I’ll drive you back tomorrow when he gets discharged.” I look back at him. 

“He never got into fights before.” 

“He was too drunk, that guy took advantage of this.” He held my hand, making me get up. “Bucky will be fine, I promise.” I nodded. “Don’t move, I’m going to pay the parking fee.” 

I nodded to him again. I usually forget about this, we needed to pay for everything in America, even parking at the hospital. The place was mostly empty, just three people in the waiting room with me. One of them dressed as Bubbles, from Powerpuff Girls. Mom used to say that people just went to the hospital on party days after two in the morning, when all the bad decisions were made. Maybe that wasn't that many bad decisions this year. 

Bob came back after some minutes and I probably didn’t moved an inch. Everything felt surreal, like a bad dream that I would wake up eventually. Seeing Bucky unconscious made something thigh in my chest. It was not like I didn’t know that homophobia could be violent, but I never was present to watch. That man could have killed Bucky, or Sam. He wouldn’t even face any consequences, at least, not big enough to really make a difference. 

Bob drove us in silence. He mentioned once that he didn’t like driving, but I was glad that he did it for me. He didn’t talk, nor made me speak either. He just followed the car GPS back to my house. 

For some time I wondered when I would bring him here. If this would ever happen before all the feelings he had for me fall apart. Anyway, that was not what I thought would happen. 

I walked to the entrance with him by my side, opening the door for a dark room. I turned on the lights and started undoing my braids, and pulling the fake flowers, even before I took off my shoes. All that hair suddenly was too heavy for me to keep. 

“You can… there’s some food in the cabinets, and you can drink something too, if you want. I need… I need a shower.” I said, the hair extensions fell to my feet, and I finally kicked off my shoes. I could clean it all later. “The bathroom is the first door to the right in the hallway.”

The floor was a little cold, and made me feel better in a way. He murmured ‘Okay’ before I left for my room. I took off the costume in the bathroom, letting it fall on the floor, just to look at my panties and see the stain of blood on it. 

Blood. 

I just stared at it, like it wasn’t real. Like a perverse joke from the universe. 

With the door closed and the sound from the water, my tears were silent. But when the blood streamed down my things, however, I started to scream. Loud and in a rage bubbling in my chest, that only grew stronger. I couldn't point out where exactly my anger was coming from, but it was everywhere. So I screamed, till my voice was mostly gone and my throat was sore. 

Bob could probably hear me, yet I didn’t mind. He only had me in the good and the calm, mostly days were beautiful. I was beautiful. The ugliest he ever saw me was when I came crying, afraid of Bucky abandoning our friendship. Today, I was uglier than ever. Could be worse, though. At least I was medicated. 

I stayed in the bathroom for a long time, just letting the water fall over my back, till I finally felt ready enough to face the world. Or in this case, just Bob. 

I dried my hair the best I could with a towel, put on a pad, and pajamas, still feeling like an empty vessel, yet I walked out of the bedroom.

Bob was waiting in the hallway. He had taken the gloves and boots off, keeping his Jedi tunic, and opened his arms for me. I hesitated for a second, then ran to hug him. His arms pulled me out of the ground as he always did, and I pressed my face against his neck. 

“You need to rest, ok?” He whispered to me. 

“My period came…” I whispered back. “She’s not coming, Bob…” 

“I’m sorry, love.” I felt his face pressing onto my hair, his hands holding me a little tighter. He scooped me up, arms under my legs, holding me close to his chest, and walked back to the living room. 

“If there's something wrong with me?”

“There’s nothing wrong with you, it's just… It's just some bad days.” He sat on the sofa with me still in his arms. It was warm, and safe. “Your baby will come, you just need to rest a little more. You are nervous, and stressed…” I nodded, looking at him, and he looked back, touching my face.

“Can you stay here today?” I asked, and he nodded. “Thank you.” he pressed a kiss on my forehead.

“We can see Bucky tomorrow morning together, ok?!” I nodded again, then got up to find him a pair of pajamas. He and Bucky being the same height really helped, so I just got the first one I saw in the drawer. I pulled a pillow and a blanket from the bed too. “This sofa is really comfy.” he said when I came back, taking the pajama, then the pillow, and putting it to the side. “You can scream for me if-”

“I want to be here with you.” I said. My bedroom was off limits, I just needed him close to me. Bob was surprised, but agreed. “I would offer the guest room, but we didn't clean it this week.” he smiled. 

“It's okay, we will be good here.” Bob got up, and kissed my forehead once more, longing in the touch, and I looked up, closing my eyes, feeling his nose rub against mine, a kiss pressed under my left eye. “It will be fine, love.” 

Love. And mess, and the crawling feeling of change coming, getting closer and closer, not just to me. And I didn’t know how to feel… not yet.

Chapter Text

We probably never had a Sunday like that one. It was even raining, so when I said goodbye to Bob in the hospital, I just wanted to cry. I didn’t, however. I was strong enough to keep myself together, waving till his Uber was far enough. I didn’t want Bucky to see me sad, but I knew my face reflected my spirit. I barely slept, Bob was tired too, and I imagined that Bucky's night wasn’t the greatest. 

Bucky’s family would come that night, to add a new layer in a messed up weekend. Ben sent me a message asking about last night, then Ava sent one asking if we’re fine. The family group was a mess, the news about the fight reached them that morning. Bucky's oldest sister, Rebecca, was the only one I said something to, telling her that he was okay, and needed to rest. 

I went into the room, and Bucky looked straight at me, and he knew.

He gave me a smile, sitting on the bed with the jeans and white shirt he was using under the Pascal costume, that was a little damaged but mostly in one piece, folded in his good arm. The cast was only in his left wrist, the actual broken point, and would heal in six weeks, yet the doctor wanted to see him in three, just to be sure. His shoulder had a big bruise, as did his right eye, but he would survive.

Bucky was laughing when I came in, saying to the doctor that it probably looked super funny seeing a chameleon, Anakin Skywalker and Cinderella fighting a regular idiot on the streets, and unfortunately no one had captured that crazy moment in video. When he looked at me, though, his smile was gone. 

“Your period came, right?!” he whispered to me, and I came a little closer, nodding. My eyes were sore, I blinked, feeling tears accumulating. The doctor gave us an awkward look before stepping to the side, trying to provide some privacy. 

“I’m sorry…”

“Don’t apologize! You did nothing wrong.” he insisted, holding my hand with his good one, pressing my fingers a little. “We should have waited, your body wasn't ready… and we will wait more, ok? We are not trying this month. I want you to rest.” I wanted to hug him, but knew he was in a lot of pain. “Mom and grandma are coming at night for a visit. And we are not receiving anyone more today. No work and no masses for the next week.” I nodded. “Sam?”

“Ava gave him a ride home yesterday. He is fine, just… a lot of pain, I guess.” Bucky nodded. “You can invite him over.”

“No.” He was fast to say. “It’s for the best that… till we do something about Brock, we keep it quiet.” I nodded again. There was fear in his eyes. I never saw it before. 

We didn’t talk much after this. The silence was so heavy, and so full of words. His phone was buzzing with messages from the family group, all of them already making plans about visiting us the next few days. I helped Bucky get out of the car, walking carefully through the house, to our bedroom. Changing clothes was a little difficult, but we managed to put him in good pajamas.

“Believe it or not, the insurance company didn't called this time,” I said when he laid down, making him laugh, then murmuring with pain. 

“I told you this one was good.” he closed his eyes, “But let’s not get too happy, that one time you twisted your ankle they called two days after.” Bucky looked at me, then moved his right hand so I got closer. I sat by his side, kneeling till I was in the middle of the bed. “Don’t worry about the baby, ok? You were stressed, I was too… December will be so much better. Or January.” I didn’t answered, because there was a feeling, deepening my chest, since the night before. 

“Bucky, you…” I took a deep breath before continuing. “I want this baby. I really do.” realizing that was strange to me, in a way. I wanted the little one. I wanted to see them grow up, the fascinating chaos of raising another human. A new person. Not an extension, a whole new being. “But I want you to be happy too. We don’t… you don’t need to stay married to me. Many families can function in div-”

“No.” He was fast to say again, and I had to hold him still, before he tried to get up. “No, Yelena.” His eyes narrowed at me, “Bob said this to you?” His words were suddenly full of anger. 

“What?” 

“Or Sam? They want you to leave our marriage? Sam wants you to leave me?” He was getting angrier. Bucky was not aggressive, never were, but it was easy to tell when he was unhappy. And he was! I didn’t expect that. 

“No, none of them said anything.” I was firm, so he relaxed, pressing his lips together. “What the hell was this? Since when do you get this angry?” he didn’t say anything, his eyes went down, his hands on his lap. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispered. “I scared you?”

“No, you never scared me. But you never get angry like this.” He let out a sigh. “You… you are scared.” He didn't needed to confirm it to me, I could tell.

“I wasn't even the target…” He whispered the words. “If Sam was alone, or was it just him and I… Brock could have killed us,” I couldn't deny that I thought about the possibility.

If Bucky was there just with Sam, if Bob wasn't present to intervene and give them some advance, even if I wasn’t there and cried for help… Bucky could have died. Both of them. They were strong, but Brock was a killing machine disguised as a human.

“That’s why we married… we protect each other.” I held his face, it was easy to tell when he was about to cry, his eyes would get red even before his cheeks. “You said I could have something, and I… I have Sam. But I can’t risk it more, it’s not safe.” A tear escaped his left eye. 

“I want you to be happy.” 

“I am happy. With you, and him. And I know Bob likes you. He looks at you like you’re the sun itself.” I couldn't answer that, “It’s fine. He makes you happy, and Sam makes me happy. But it works because in the end, I have you, and you have me.” Bucky reached for my hand, “You’re my anchor, and I’m yours.”

I nodded. He was right. Bucky was my anchor, my harbor. I was safe because of him, as he was safe because of me. 

And that’s all that matters in the end.  

(...) 

The visits would come all week, but the Sunday one was a test of resilience for me. Bucky was tired, I was tired, but his mom, older sister and grandma had to come or the world would burst into flames. 

If the three of them came alone it would be good, but that was never the case. Grandma was living with aunt Marianne — or in better words, they were living with grandma, Marianne and useless husband, Bart. Rebecca’s husband, Todd, was not too bad, but a plank of wood probably had more personality. 

Bucky’s mom, Mirian, didn’t bring anyone because Bucky’s dad was… dead! She would bring the urn if she could. 

“Always said that man was violent…” Marianne said, but she never told shit. Didn’t even knew Brock. “Good thing that Ben took him out of the baseball team already.”

I was in the kitchen, while they were in the living room. I hid myself there, so I wouldn't need to talk as much. By the window in the wall that divided the rooms, I could watch them, and smile from time to time. I was cutting cheese in small pieces, they loved it so much. Bart would eat like he was starving. 

“He should be banned from the church.” Rebecca said.

“People can’t be banned from the church, it's not how it works.” grandma replied. Bucky was in the middle of them, on the sofa, looking dead inside. None of them seemed to realize he was not engaging with any part of the conversation. “He will be punished by the men’s law, and god’s law, but it's not our place to judge more.”

Bucky looked at me for a second, silently pleading for help. 

“We will denounce him anyway,” Bucky said. “He is dangerous, it was an unprovoked attack.”

“I don’t know…” Bart said, and I braced myself for the worst take ever heard. “You defended the black, but we don’t know if he said something to provoke him first.” I dropped the knife and looked at him, but he wasn't looking in my direction. “The gay barely got hurt, and you went to the hospital.”

The what?

“He was attacked.” Bucky reminded him. 

“Yeah, but you were the one in the hospital.” Marianne said. “It was not your fight.” 

“See?!” Bart saw the endorsement of his wife’s words, and the silence of everyone else as a ‘go on’ sign, and went all for it. “You could have died because you joined in someone else's fight!” 

“Sam did nothing to deserve being beaten!" Bucky said. 

“I didn’t said he deserved, but these gay people act so unashamed that-” 

“Shut up!” I shouted, making everyone turn at me. “Brock almost killed my husband and hurt my friends, so apologize, Bartholomew. Now.” I was not playing. I was tired, angry and in my fucking period. And the way Bart said the words, also… The tone when he said ‘black’ and ‘gay’... “Apologize!” 

“Bucky, you won't say anything?” Bart asked, pointing at me. 

“Apologize.” Bucky said back, and I let out a smile. 

“I didn't say it in a mean way! You guys-” no one said anything, most not even looking at him, eyes on the ground. Grandma looked at me, however, but I couldn't tell what her eyes were telling me. “It was not in a bad way!”

“Or you apologize, or you get out of my house.” I moved from the kitchen to the living room, crossing my arms, looking firmly at him. Maybe on another day I wouldn’t say anything, I wasn't used to confrontation, but the anger of the last few hours was consuming my goodwill, and I let it all out. “Get out of my house!”

“Bucky!” Marianne complained this time. 

“Bartholomew, apologize.” Grandma said. The man looked at me, then to Bucky. The rage in his eyes was visible, but he would not risk it being in a bad position with grandma. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, looking at Bucky.

“To Yelena, too.” Grandma asked as soon she noticed that he wouldn't say it to me.

“And I’m sorry, Yelena,” he said through gritted teeth. 

Bucky gave me a tiny smile, but I knew how much he was hurt, because no one there, beside me, saw any problem in Bart's words. It was common for them, most of them didn't hated gay people, but didn't love them either. 

So I walked back to the kitchen, and brought them cheese, and coffee. They went back to the conversation, about Thanksgiving and the church activities from the end of the year, like nothing had happened. 

Bucky pulled me closer with his good arm when I sat by his side, holding me like a life buoy. He couldn't be more right, we really were each other's safeguard.  

I kept smiling, and engaging in small talk about things I didn't cared about, but was important to them, and to Bucky, so I paid attention. The church was their community. Bucky grew up there, his life was surrounded by this faith in so many ways. If not for my pressure for him to have something to himself, before the baby, maybe Sam would never come into his life. And Bob on mine.

Before dinner time, they left, and I was relieved. I smiled at them, waving all the way till the cars disappeared from my sight down the street. Bucky, still on the sofa, looked defeated. I could tell his heart was heavy, because even knowing his family, part of him still hoped for a different outcome. A bit of change… 

“You want pizza?” he asked as I closed the door with all my strength, the slamming sound was satisfying. “And sleeping pills?”

“We don’t need the last one. I’m tired as hell.” Bucky smiled at me, but his eyes were just so sad. “I’m your family. Remember that.” he nodded. “The only approval you need.”

“You approved of me almost dying dressed like a frog?”

“Chameleon.” He laughed. “And no, but I approve of you helping Sam. I’m proud.” He nodded to himself before giving me a smile. 

“Don’t ever think about leaving me again, ok?!” It was my time to nod. “So pizza it is.” 

+++ 

“I should know that motherfucker would get no jail time, but the police didn’t even go to his house? To make him feel ashamed at least?”

Ava was rightfully angry about the whole Brock situation. He would get a court hearing, that would probably make him do community service or something like this, as a penalty for almost killing my husband. And nothing more. 

 “I hate rich people!”

“He went to church this Wednesday. Even confessed to Father Morris. Rebecca told me.” 

Ava and I were laying on the carpet in Walker's designated room. The TV was bigger there. He had that space because, according to himself, Ava did not allow him to make any decisions in the house, so at least there, he had some authority. 

She used to let him be alone, but the last time Ava spent more than a day without entering the room, he started to cry, thinking she didn't loved him anymore. That night he went to the city to see a friend from college days. Walker didn’t wanted to, he was secretly as antisocial as we were, but Ava insisted for him to go, so we could be left alone. 

“Bob is so in love with you that probably everyone noticed,” Ava said, out of the blue, and I turned my face to her. “He has no poker face! Sam at least was better than him, I could tell, but probably no one else noticed. But Bob? He would kiss the ground for you to walk if you asked him.” 

“It wasn't that much.” Ava looked at me in silence, judging my response. “It won't last.” 

“You don’t know that!” 

“I know. You saw it first handed many times. It’s always nice when it starts. He will get tired by January. In March he will say that it was good, but he can handle this kind of relationship.” 

I felt my heart tighten in my chest as I said. Bob made me feel different than the others, maybe because I didn’t needed to pretend for him at any moment. I was myself, from the very beginning. The pain would be worse when he left…

“All this, Sam, and Bob… it’s all temporary.”

“You don’t know that yet.” 

“I know.” 

“You shouldn't see love like this.” 

“It was always like this… i’m depressed and fucking asexual, I lose two times!” Ava sat up, looking at me with judgy demeanor, “I know you don’t like when I talk like this, but it's how I feel! Bucky was the closest I could get, because love that lasts is luck.”

Finding someone that loves you enough to stay. To be caring and good. To be seen and truthful. Willing to adjust and compromise. Do better, be better. Felt like a lottery. It's already difficult for someone without any particularity, with the mind in the right place... Someone like me? It was a shot in the dark with not enough bullets. 

“You could be lucky this time,” I let out a laugh, but had no real humor. 

“Yeah… sounds about right.” 

“Bob could be the one for you, Lena.”

“How many I thought I had found ‘the one’?” I pushed my body up, sitting too. “I tried, really tried. You saw it.” A tear escaped, and I couldn’t stop the others from coming. “I’m almost thirty…” I murmured. The age seemed so big saying out loud. After losing Nat, I didn't think I would live that much. “I just want to live a good life, and have a family that I can grow old with.”

“You still want love, or you would have rejected Bob and his feelings a long time ago.”

“It doesn’t matter. I just want to… to have it, for a while. Just like Bucky is having it too. It’s nice, and feels like a fairytale, but it will end.” 

“You…” She let out a deep sigh. “You were scared that Bucky would resent you if he never experienced his sexuality… but if you became the one resentful, Lena?” more tears came, I couldn't hold them back. “If you become the one that will grow old and resent him, and your kid about never having what you wanted?”

I tried to hold back, but just cried more, a heavy feeling growing on my chest.

In a fair world I would at least have Natasha with me, maybe even our mom. In a fair world Bucky would still be my best friend, but with a man who loved him by his side, and his family would support his decision. In a fair world I wouldn't hate myself that much.  

“You can’t give up on yourself.” She hugged me, and I felt her cry too, tears dropping on my coat. Ava hid better, but was as emotional as I was. “I’m not saying to you to ask for divorce papers, just to…  try. Really try. Not acting like you can predict what's going to happen, like in January, Bob is going to wake up one morning and not like you anymore.”

“It happened before.”

“Bob is not like them. I can feel it.” 

We stayed in silence for a long moment, I couldn’t tell how long. 

I wanted to say so much, but the words simply wouldn’t form in a coherent way. My mind was a mess. It made me miss my mother tongue, yet it had been so many years since I had someone to speak in Russian with. Even this died with my sister.

“I’m scared…” I said. It was the best way I could convey. “I’m so scared…”

“If everything fails, we will be here. Me, and John. And Bucky! You can even cry together if Sam broke his heart too.” I let out a smile, drying my eyes. “But I need you to stop seeing all this as a lost cause. You survived worse than a broken heart, so stop fearing about breaking again. You will put it together, and move on.” I nodded. “Do you understand?” She insisted. 

“Yes, ma’am.” She smiled before hugging me again. I took a deep breath, trying to make my heart stop beating so fast. “I’m feeling anxious. Not even the medication is helping as it should. Sometimes… sometimes I wonder if it was a good idea starting all this.”

“It was.” Ava caressed my hair, a little too strong, but the intention was in the right place. “It would be so much worse having all this conflict older in your life, already with your kid… You will love her so much more, feeling content with yourself.” 

“Her…” I pointed out, laughing a little. 

“Of course she will be a girl. That will be named after me, ‘cause you love me that much,” I ran my hands through my cheeks. I have been crying so much these last few months… “Just try, with an open heart. Stop acting like Bob is about to leave, give this a real chance.” 

Real. 

Yet, the big thing was that my fear didn’t lie only in the possibility of everything falling apart, but also, if everything worked out. In any scenario, my life would be changed. For good. And I couldn’t tell if I was ready. 

+++ 

With Brock out of the baseball team, which made Dreykov leave too in “protest” — because, according to him, fights from outside the field shouldn’t interfere in the team, Bucky went to watch the training Saturday morning. He was excited about seeing Sam again, because all week, with his family visiting and keeping him company when I was working, he didn't have the chance to even talk to him properly.

So when he left that morning, I headed to the city. I couldn’t help still carrying the bubbling sensation of a first date. Couldn’t help being nervous, because it was getting more and more real.

For most of my years, romance was only from books. Men and women that don’t really exist, that I didn’t need to perform, or pretend. that would never break my heart. I didn’t needed to perform to Bob, however. He knew my particularities since the first day. He was willing to accept and adapt his life for me, and even with the voice in my head saying that wouldn’t last, I tried to remain positive, like Ava asked. 

He was waiting for me at the Watchtower. I could see some students from the MNYC looking desperate in some booths. I never had this because my fear of losing my scholarship made me do all my projects weeks in advance, but Ava loved doing her projects at the last minute and as a best friend, I stood by her side drinking way too much coffee. I still knew how to make some Java codes and formatting a laptop thanks to her.

Bob looked at me with the biggest smile on his face, and was a little comforting to realize he was just as nervous as I. He was in the same spot he was when we first met, months ago. It felt like a lifetime.

“Hi,” I said, when he got up. Bob pulled me in a hug, holding my shoulders so I barely could embrace him back. He laughed when realized.

“I don’t know why I’m so nervous…” he let me go, giving me an awkward smile. “Do you think they remember me?” He looked towards the cashier, the waiters were occupied with the orders, none of them looked at our side. I shook my head.

“No, there were crazier people in the city,” he laughed, taking my hand, and we finally sat together, side by side. “You’re not wearing a trunk merch this time.” It was a plain shirt, but was clearly new, just like his jeans. No big logo from a tractor company.

“I have good clothes, okay?! I’m trying to get used to decent pieces now, even bought some suits. I will start to work in February. Starting an internship at my own family business, I feel like an undercover CEO. Monday to Friday, six hours per day, and I read the files and none of the employees had tried to jump off the building!”

“Bob!”

“In this city this is a big thing, ok?” We were trying to not engage with this kind of jokes, but it was an old habit. “It’s proof of our amazing work environment.”

“Yes! Or proof that the building windows don't open enough to jump!”

“Exactly!” We laughed more. “We need to stop.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” He stole a peck from my lips, making me blush. “You will be alright, they can’t fire you.” He pressed another peak. It was so strange to show off so much affection in public. It was new, and fun. I could get used to this.

“They actually can, aunt Marjorie was fired and never went back. But she didn’t like the job, she is doing well in California. A big pet store, she doesn’t sell animals, just toys and food… There are doctors too. I even thought about being a veterinarian because of her, and taking care of snakes.”

“You thought about this in mania?”

“Maybe… I don’t even like snakes. I wanted to conquer my fear, driven by religion and the Genesis myth,” I looked at him, pressing my lips together, “I was really in a strange place with my meds.”

“It 's valid!” I laid my head on his shoulder, Bob pressed a kiss to my hair, “Anyway, I know you will be good. Just don’t bankrupt the company, and you’ll be fine.”

“It would be easier if my mind was… was ok. Mom it’s like me, but she is more controlled in a way? And she never noticed that I had it too till I was twelve, and things went really bad… I didn’t even took meds for years, because she didn’t wanted me to be “dependent” like she was. And dad let her do it… but at least I’m better than most people, I don't need to worry about how to pay the bills.”

“This really helps… when I lost Nat, it was… really bad, but would be worse if I didn’t have Bucky, and still needed to pay for everything. I got the scholarship, but everything else, Nat was paying for me. I wouldn’t have survived if I was alone.”

“I’m glad for Bucky. We would never have met if it wasn't for him.”

Bob said these things with such affection, like I was an angel sent to his life, not a girl he found on the internet. Maybe he saw it as destiny. That we would meet anyway, even though we missed each other in college and in Nat’s old building.

“There’s this autumn drinks, but I really hate pumpkin.” He said.

“Good, I don’t like that much either.” I smiled at him. “Hot chocolate would be really good.”

“Hot chocolate it is.” He pressed another kiss to my hair before getting up. I let out a sigh, but had no heaviness in my chest. Maybe I could do what Ava asked me. Maybe I could try.

(...)

“So… New Year's Eve in New York?”

Bucky could be really indecisive, so our vacations usually were planned by me in the first week of July, or he would decide in the second week of November, and would shut up about the absurd amount of extra money we would spend in a last minute decision. But this year, I didn’t make plans in July, because we were worried about a baby. And now with the broken arm, we finally had a reason to stay.

Bucky turned the thousand-piece puzzle box over the kitchen table. He loved puzzles, our factory started to produce them because he loved them so much, and fortunately many people liked them enough for us to keep the production. This one was from a partnership with some artists in Queens, a reinterpretation of Renaissance works in urban scenarios.

“You know you can go… and have fun at a gay party with Sam. In Jersey. Or somewhere really far, like Long Island.” I laughed a little, and he did too, but it didn't last. “What?”

“We never spend New Year’s eve alone, since you got here. Even before our marriage.”

“Bucky… it’s alright.” I reached from his hand across the table, and messed with the pieces too, making him laugh. “Ok… we will be back home, whatever it takes, January first. So we will be together on the first day of the year.” Bucky smiled at the idea, and nodded.

“And we won't see anyone till January second.”

“Exactly! No Sam, no Bob, our room is just ours.” he nodded again.

“And in the future, of little Ava too.” I let out a loud laugh this time.

“She asked for you too?”

“Of course! I even asked if she wanted us to name the kid ‘John’, if the baby was a boy and she said no, because John was a nothing-name.” It was exactly what I expected from her to say, and she probably said it in front of Walker, just to mess with him.

“She’s kinda right.” I agreed.

“James is a nothing-name too!”

“Of course not! James is classic, has personality. John is like you guys name dead people.” John-doe to men, Jane-doe to women, it’s how they named unidentified bodies. I had no idea why it was like this, and never was willing to search for an answer, just accepted when I saw it on TV.

“You’re right.” He nodded along. “Ok, so… January first, we need to be home before… four?”

“Five.” Traffic would be the most chaotic experience of our lives, but we could manage. “Be careful. Don’t drink too much, and don’t do things with your broken arm.” I pointed at the cast, “And don’t take pictures, just on your phone. Or Sam 's phone. No one else.”

“You're making me paranoid already!”

“I’m sorry.” He made a face, but knew I was right. We needed to be careful, no one knew about the open marriage, but even if they did, Bucky's position was a little more complicated. “Bucky…” I called, and he looked at me for one second, before going back to the puzzle. “I know that with Brock, and all he did… but your family could understand with time, you know?! About you and… and a man. Especially if we still had the bab-“

“No, Lena.” He looked at me again, then back to the puzzle. He was tense, I noticed in the way he moved his fingers.. “This… this is fun now, but it’s not real life.”

“I would never really leave you. John and Olivia work it out great, and you could still go with your plan and take the years off work to be with the baby. If you think abou-“

“Yelena.” He was firm this time, as he usually sounded when didn’t want to discuss anymore. “We talked about this. My life is good, our life.” He reached his hand for me, and I smiled, pressing his fingers a little. Maybe it was early for this, I still wasn't sure about my own future, let alone his. “I want to keep it that way.”

“Okay…” I agreed.

We needed time… time would make all of this work it out.

+++

“I wake you up?” I asked when he opened the door, no shirt, just pajama pants. His hair was a mess. Bob specifically asked me to come early so we could spend the day together, but he looked like just opened his eyes when I knocked on the door.

Bob pulled me in, carrying me inside without a word, and I laughed, confused, till I saw the living room. He had shelves by the walls, old ones that looked heavy and old school. His books that usually would be on the floor, were there now. There were two new armchairs too, and looking at the kitchen, he changed the table for a bigger one.

“I assembled all this today,” he said. “Grandma sent it to me, it was the old furniture. She had storage somewhere, and it's really good, like real wood.”

“It’s so cool… fit the apartment.” he still had his arms around me.

“I want it to look like a home… maybe painting some walls. You can choose the colors.” He let out a sign, and I looked at him.

“Is there a reason for all this?”

“My room back home was empty, just a bed and wardrobe… I always was thinking about dying, so I thought that the less I left behind, the easier it would be for my family.” I looked at him, but he gave me a smile. “I’m not like that anymore, but I never overcame that… line of reasoning. But I'm doing it now.”

“You will die of old age, complaining about your knees.” he laughed a little.

"I'll know when it's about to rain because my joints hurt." I smile before giving him a kiss.

“You did all this today?” he nodded. “But it’s eight in the morning…” he gave me an awkward smile. “Bob! You stop with your meds again?”

“No! I changed!” I narrowed my eyes to him. “Really. I went to the doctor on Thursday, he said it would be good. It 's my second day. I’m not hating it.”

“No bad symptoms?”

“Just a little nauseous on Friday, I thought I would pass out and die, but then it was all good by night. And, I finished all this by two in the morning, and it’s a great testament of this building's walls, no neighbor came to my door or called the police.” He made me walk backwards, into the hallway, into his room. “And you didn't notice, but Lindy is now in the guest room. She is happy, and thriving in a new environment.” 

“So brave of her.” I let out a little scream when the back of my knees hit the bed, and we both fell. Bob went to the side a little, so he wouldn't drop his weight on me. “Your room is so warm.”

“The heater is really good.” I laughed, turning my head to him.

“No, it's a different kind of warm.” I said. Like a hug. Not too much, just a cozy feeling. Bob smiled at me, and I pushed the shoes out of my feet. “Do you want to stay here all day? And do nothing?” he nodded, letting out a smile. “You should sleep.”

“But you’re here…” his face came a little closer. “I missed you.” he pressed a kiss next to my mouth. I could see it again, the desire in his eyes. I pulled his head to me before kissing him again.

Bob held my waist, pulling me up in bed. His hand slipped through my hair, as his mouth took mine. His kisses were always a little desperate, like he was constantly afraid that I would disappear in thin air. I like it either way, it was a pleasant feeling being wanted like that, even for someone like me. His kisses went down my neck, and I let him, moving my head up, giving him room to do it.

His body pressed mine against the mattress, and I felt him gently place himself between my legs. His breath got more erratic, little gasps escaping his mouth while he kissed my skin, and when he pressed his body down to mine again, I could feel the erection through his pajama pants. And as it always did, my body shut.

A moan escaped his lips, and he pressed himself once more, sought for friction, till his mind reminded him.

“Oh my god, I’m sorry,” he pushed his body up, a scared expression on his face, looking at me in panic, fearing that I would run away from him. “I’m so sorry, Yelena, I didn’t-”

“Hey, it’s okay…” I smiled, reaching my hands to his shoulders. He was tense, his face getting red in embarrassment. “It’s okay…” I got closer, pressing a kiss to his lips, then another. I pulled him gently by his arm, making him lay upon me again. His hand reached my face, caressing my cheek.

“I don’t want to scare you.”

“You’re not.” I like him, genuinely. Realizing that was easier than I thought it would be. He hesitated before adjusting his body against mine again, his face still so red, it was cute. 

I was mostly indifferent about any performance of the act. Sometimes it felt like an extracorporeal experience, like I could see myself doing, from outside my body. Too aware of the act to really engage or even enjoy. Other times, it was nice. Like eating a tasty cake I did not wanted, but still was good. 

“You can do it…” I moved my body against his, causing some friction, and the expression on his face made me smile. His eyes fluttered, mouth opened a little. “Just… just this.” I wasn't really sure about the limits there, but I trusted him enough to just go with it.

“Okay…” He said out of breath, kissing me again.

I had this before, just having a body against mine, moved only by lust. In my case, of course, it was different. It didn’t feel bad, I could enjoy it, but not in the same way most people did. The pleasure sounds coming from Bob’s mouth satisfied me way more than his body moving against mine. He was vocal, a little loud, and I liked that. 

“Lena…” he whispered my name, his lips taking my neck in kisses. It was good. Accepting and relaxing helped me to feel more, to have something. The experience was never the same in each try, yet Bob made that warm feeling grow in my chest, keeping me at ease.

His hands pulled my dress up a little, I could feel his fingers moving up my thighs, his hips pressing a little harder between the layers of clothes. I kept my eyes closed, trying to be responsive. My natural reaction was shut down. I didn’t have the crave, the burning desire that guided the experience, and it was one of the reasons why my relationships never lasted. I had to remind myself to perform, to be part of it too.

“You’re ok?” He asked, and I smiled. He was so worried, I could tell in his eyes.

“Yeah…” I moved my nose against his, making him smile too. His lips went to mine once more.

“You’re so beautiful…” he whispered, sliding his hand under his pants, my pantyhose and the fabric of his clothes weren't layered enough to not feel his cock. “I love you, Lena…” I moved my body against his, as he pressed himself, thrusting in a slow pace, like he was inside me, “I love you…” he repeated, moaning against my lips, the needy sound made my chest warm, I let out a sigh. “I want you so much…”

“I know, baby.” I held him with my whole body, pressing my nails to his back, crossing my legs over him, and I could hear the fabric rubbing as he moved, thrusting faster, desperate for an orgasm. He would fuck me if I let him, so turned on that his eyes looked a little foggy.

His moans went louder against my neck, his right hand grabbed the bed sheet under me.

“You’re doing so good,” I said. Bob moaned again, he liked the reassurance.

“Lena…” I liked how he sounded. His mouth went back to mine, a messy kiss with his face full of pleasure. He was so beautiful. His thin lips open, throwing his head back as the climax was about to hit.

I never had it easy like this. I could count on one hand the many times I had an orgasm with someone. My mind was always far away, feelings and body were never aligned right. The blissful feeling in his face, however, made me satisfied. Bob loved me. I could feel in his kiss, in his hands roaming through my body like I was a goddess. Could feel in the way he confessed the words. 

His mouth was on mine when he came, his eyes fluttered, and the sound came in gasps. It was strong, and it made me feel good with myself, gasping for air, just like him.

“That was… so good.” he smiled, and I did it too. “I can do it for you,” I held his hand before he reached for my panties. I was feeling good already, exactly like this. I didn’t need more, and his attempt could’ve headed to nowhere. “You can’t feel?” I laughed a little.

“I can, I told you,” I pressed a kiss to his cheek. “We can try it next time.” He was a little disappointed, like he was failing me, and I stole a peck from his lips. “Maybe by then I will take off some clothes.” I laughed lightly.

“You don’t like being naked?” I shook my head, he moved a strand of hair that fell over my face.

“It’s not an asexual thing I suppose, it’s just… just a me thing. I used lingerie when I had to have sex. So I would still be kinda covered in a way. Nothing tiny, I need the coverage. I have some really pretty ones,” Bob looked at me and let out a sigh.

“Thank you for the new information, will really help me sleep at night,” I laughed, taking his lips in another kiss, but he pulled back as we pressed our bodies together again, and I felt the wetness in his pants, “I need to change. Don’t move!” He jumped out of the bed, stumbling towards the bathroom. “Stay right there!”

“Okay!” I closed my eyes, with a funny feeling bubbling up my chest.

“You know what? We can make this work perfectly!” he screamed from the bathroom, “Do this once in a while, and I have two pretty functional hands also,” I let out a laugh. “When the medication hits, I will so not want sex too. The doctor said I would get even lower libido, so… close your eyes!”

“What?”

“I’m naked, close your eyes!” I laughed before I did it, hearing his footsteps inside the room and the curtains moving. “You really closed them!”

“You asked!” I opened again when I heard the curtains moving again. Bob was all dressed this time, in a new pajamas, that was just the cotton pants and another tractor brand shirt in awful conditions.

"If I didn't go to the gym to keep from killing myself I would actually stop, you don't really appreciate the incredible body I have." he came back to bed, pulling me closer like a teddy bear, laying his head on my shoulder. I caressed his hair. “We can order food, and sleep all day… and you could stay the weekend here, with me. Bucky won't mind.”

“I don’t have clothes.” 

“Borrow mine.”

“Nor panties.”

“We can go to Victoria’s Secret, I’ll buy you more lingerie.” I pushed his head off me, making him laugh. “Maybe one day…?” He went more serious this time. “I love you, Lena. And I know our… arrangement it’s not conventional, but I really wanted to have you for more time.”

It was so easy for him to say it. Love. Easy as breathing. Bucky was the last person I said I loved, but the love I had for him was completely different from the one Bob was confessing.

“Me too.” I said, honestly. I missed him, and with the end of the year, it would be even more chaotic for us to spend time together. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and all the church gatherings that the whole family was part of. My real commitment was with Bucky. “I will find a way… I promise.” Bob nodded, a smile on his face, holding me close to his chest. 

“We could spend New Year’s Eve together, you can bring Bucky… my mom will throw a party...” he yawned, pressing his face into my hair, “Or we can fly somewhere else, celebrate the new year and fly back to celebrate again…”

“Go to sleep, Bob.” I laughed lightly.

“It’s a great idea…” his voice sounded heavier, and he held me a little closer.

He slept fast, barely five minutes after finishing his words, the meds probably helped in this. I wasn't one to enjoy being held to sleep, never liked that much, yet I stayed there, because I really missed him. It was such a strange feeling. Ava’s words came to my mind, then Bucky’s. Starting over, taking a risk with Bob or keeping myself safe with someone that would never leave, but never love me as a woman?

At that very moment, I really didn't know what route to take.

Chapter Text

“Are you ok?” Bucky caressed my hair, sitting on the floor while I laid in bed. I liked Thanksgiving, the food was good and it was nice to have the family together, but this year, I just wanted to lay down and sleep all day. Bucky, obviously, was worried. He remembered my depression, when I could barely move from bed, so every time I came back home a little down, an alert signaled in his mind. “It was grandma?”

“She asked me about the baby.” I murmured. “Not directly, she said that dreamed about this again. We named her Natalia.” Bucky had a pitiful look on his face, mine probably didn't looked better. The problem was not the baby, it was the anticipation, the “almost there” that separated us from our future. Bucky pressed a kiss on my forehead. 

“You… Do you want to try it? Like… the natural way again?” he said, and we looked at each other. I could tell by his face that he didn't wanted to do it, but would if I said ‘yes’, because of our common goal. In any other moment, I would do it. Bucky was nice enough to at least not make me feel bad about the experience, but now, the idea of doing it with anyone but Bob, was just not right. 

I didn't even liked sex, but if I would do it, I would do it with Bob.

“No…” we said almost at the same time, making us laugh. 

“January is the perfect month for the insemination anyway… We have things in church every week till New Year's day. I don’t want the stress to make you vulnerable again, and we know that Dreykov and Brock will be there also.” Bucky concluded, and I let out a sigh. 

It was so unfair that Brock, of all people, would be there, pretending that he was regretful. 

“Can wait to hear his apologies when we come back to the next mass. It will be so emotional…” Bucky hasn't gone to church since the ‘incident’, only because he didn't wanted to see Brock there. He was just not ready, and I couldn't blame him for it. As a christian, not forgiving him was not the “right thing to do”, and I knew that he could pretend, but not that soon. 

“Now that I’m not drunk, I can beat his ass. But I won’t.” 

“You still have a cast, genius.” I reminded him, letting out a sigh. 

I was feeling so overwhelmed, there was nothing to worry about in our work, the factory would take the last two weeks from December off, and come back just in January 3rd. The church days were chaotic, as the family was so involved with the festivities, but would go by real fast, like every year. Yet, I still wasn’t feeling well. 

“You can talk to me,” Bucky said.

“I know… but I don’t know why I’m feeling bad.” I whispered. My heart was tightening on my chest, and my desire was to just sleep. Nothing more. “I feel like… like my body is missing something. Like there is a part that is lost… and I don’t know where to find it, or what it is.”  

“Do you want to go to the doctor again? Maybe they can change your meds.” 

“I don’t think it is about medication” I murmured. It was so much bigger than that. Our future, my future, everything. I was so confused, that I just wanted to hide for some days and not deal with anything at all. “I was thinking… I want to… spend some days with Bob. And you could do it too, with Sam.” Honestly I didn’t know if I was asking too much, especially at that time. At the end of the day, Bucky was my husband, my real commitment. 

Bucky smiled at me, caressing my hair again.

“Do you love him?” I could feel my face getting warmer. Love? I couldn’t believe that he was really asking me this. “Baby, it’s okay. I would never judge you.” I sat on the bed, and Bucky moved, till he sat by my side, “I don’t mind if you love him, I just need us to stay together. Our love is different, it always was, but I’m glad that you’re happy.” 

“You do?” He nodded. 

“If I was bisexual, our life would be so much easier,” He held my hand, kissing the palm. “I wished that God could fix me. I hoped so much that he would, when I married you.” I looked into his eyes, the sadness that they carried. 

“You don’t need to be fixed. You’re perfect.” I said, and he smiled at me.

Theorically, Bucky was not depressed. He never had a proper diagnosis, and never wanted to get one, but part of me knew. His pain grew and took roots. His sadness became part of him, a part that he would forever carry. 

“You can have the world, Lena. We just need to stay together, for our family… our baby.” 

“You can have the world too,” I said, still worried about the look in his eyes. Bucky never looked so lost before, and it was hard to imagine that something I would say would help him. I was lost as he was. “You just… is this enough? Living what you have with Sam, in secret, is it enough for you?” 

He couldn’t look at me this time, there was shame in his whole demeanor. The worst part was that his shame was not about what I was thinking of him, but what he felt about himself. 

“You know that… I will always be here for you.” I insisted. “You’re my best friend.”

“I know…” He said quietly. “Sam knows that we are different, and he’s happy. We don’t need more.” I couldn’t tell if he was truthful or was just trying to convince himself. I usually could read him so well, yet this time, I wasn’t sure. 

“But is it really enough?” I asked. I needed to know. 

Bucky stayed in silence for seconds. Then a whole minute. Maybe more. 

“It has to be.” He murmured, letting out a sigh, and I knew at that moment, that it wasn’t enough. “Sam wanted to travel for some days, he has some friends in Washington that he wanted to introduce to me. I turned him down, but I guess I can go with him... but I will keep my promise, ok? January 1st, I will be here. I promise.” 

“You will get a fly back? ‘Cause you so cannot drive all the way here in time.” 

“Don’t underestimate my will to keep all my promises, ok?!” His fake cocky attitude made me smile. “Bet that I will be here even before you!” 

“Okay. Now it’s a real bet. If you lose… you can’t choose the baby’s name.” He gasped, both hands on his chest, dramatically looking at me, “Exactly. And the second name also!” 

“This is so evil of you,” hearing him laugh after this made me a little less worried. “Ok. If I get here before you, I will choose the names. If you get first, you choose.” He shook my hand, firm, narrowing his eyes to me. “Deal?”

“Deal.” I agreed. 

+++ 

Bob’s graduation was on a Thursday morning, and was strangely warm. Most days that week were cold, not enough to snow, but the last days of November rained so much that made me give up on any plans and I just stayed at home. Even the baseball game had to be delayed for the second week of December, and I thought that Bob’s graduation would be delayed too. Fortunately, the sun shone the day before, and that morning was like a warm day of July. 

I was scared to come. The ceremony was small, they didn’t have enough students to have a big thing, but it was nice. Chairs in the grass, a small stage with the professors and the dean. Ten men, three women in the student group. Bob looked scared between them, eyes wandering around, but didn’t look as if he was paying attention to anyone. 

I was almost hidden beside some people watching, probably family and friends from the graduates that had no chair available to sit. My graduation was bigger, with more than three hundred students. Ava and John had just come back together after their second divorce, and Bucky brought all his family, a choir of voices screaming for me when my name was called. 

They tried their best to make me happy, Grandma gave a rosary, the beads were red, like Natasha’s hair, so she would be there with me. Even not being the most understanding, Bucky's family were mine too. And for this loving side they had, that I had hope of them accepting Bucky if he ever came out. 

Looking from a distance, I could see Bob’s family. His grandma pearls would be seen from miles away. I was happy for him, for seeing them there. He still felt bad for being the oldest of his class. I couldn’t blame him, I shared the feeling. 

It was one of the reasons I insisted, even in my worst moments of depression, to not abandon the Uni, and manage to just delay my graduation. Losing my scholarship would make me feel like a failure. 

I smiled and clapped when his name was called, walking closer to the chairs, and smiling bigger when his eyes runned through the crowd and locked on me. He waved with the paper roll in hand, and I waved back. He looked so happy. Bob stayed by seven other colleagues till everyone was called too, and he waved to his family also. The good weather made the day even brighter. 

Bob came running to me the moment the dean finished the ceremony, my smile was so big that my face hurt. His arms embraced me, taking me off the ground, and I hugged him, letting out a laugh when he spun me around. 

“You’re here,” he said, taking me into a kiss before I could say anything. It felt like a movie. A scene from a book, something that I would never really have, but it was happening, right that moment. “I graduated.” He murmured, his face still close to mine, “Can you believe it?”

“I’m so proud,” I said, feeling my feet on the ground, and almost lost balance when he kissed me again. “You didn’t pass out on the stage or anything!” Bob laughed.

“I can still vomit on your shoes, let's not celebrate yet,” I laughed too, pressing another kiss to his mouth. I missed him so much in the few days we didn’t see each other. I could stay on that kiss forever. “Come, my mom wants to meet you.” 

Meet… Suddenly I was twenty one again, scared about what Bucky’s family would think about me. I tried to conceive the idea that I would meet them even if we were only friends, as I met Ava’s mom, dad and stepdad. Bob had the biggest smile on his face as he pulled me to his parents direction, his grandma hugged me tightly. 

“My god, you’re so beautiful!” Bob’s mom said the moment she looked at me. “Bob told us so much about you and showed me the costume you made for him,” all of them looked so happy that made me nervous. Bob noticed that, and I felt his fingers intertwined with mine, and a kiss on my hair. 

“It’s really great to meet you.” I said to her, “and see you both again,” I smiled bigger to his dad and grandma, trying to not look scared. At least I wasn’t feeling dizzy, my usual mood in public spaces was the haunting sensation of almost passing out. 

Bob’s dad was quiet, a clear introvert that was guided away by his extrovert and bipolar wife. Him and Bob had the exact same lost look in their eyes. Annie, by contrast, had that striking energy that almost made us forget that being bipolar wasn’t really a good thing to deal with.

“You’re going to brunch with us, right, dear?” grandma asked.

“I can’t, I have to go back to the factory. We’ll give the team two weeks off by the end of the month, this week is being chaotic,” I looked at Bob, “I’m sorry.” 

“It 's okay.” Bob guaranteed, and they all nodded along. “I will walk Lena back to her car, stay right here.” He asked, and his mom nodded before pulling me in another hug, her excitement was so visible that made me happy too. Bob’s dad gave me a hug too, with many pats on my back, like a grandpa. 

“We will see you on New Year’s Eve?” Grandma asked.

“Yes.” I said. “Bob promised me a party.”

“Oh, you're gonna love it.” Annie said. 

“I know I will,” I said back. My phone vibrated on my purse, and was the reminder that I needed to come back. The January collection and most of the production from some regular clients was departing that week, and even knowing that Bucky could handle it all, the team always wanted me to be there, just to be sure that everything was going well. 

“I’ll walk you to your car,” Bob said when I pulled my phone, an all caps message from Johnny with: “WHERE ARE YOU?”. I waved his family goodbye, taking Bob with me, walking fast to the parking lot. “They were so excited, I’m surprised that they were that normal.” 

“It was great, you are just like your dad,”

“Same face and awkward attitude with mom’s mental illness, I’m just the perfect package.” I pretend to push him, making him laugh. 

Bob held his cap in place when we walked a little faster. It had been so long since I went there, but it barely changed. The water accumulated on the grass from the rainy days, some students looking miserable walking in and out from the old buildings, and a big number of visitors before the winter break that Friday. 

“I missed you,” I said, and he turned, walking backwards, then pressing a kiss to my lips. 

“I missed you more,” I felt like a teenager, falling in love for the first time. Also felt like everyone was looking at us and our silly display of affection, yet didn’t mind enough to stop, I was too happy to care. “I’m officially unemployed now, you will be my sugar mommy.”

“I’m younger than you!”

“It’s not how it works, it’s about the money. You are richer now, I’m just a poor unemployed man in this big city.” I laughed, walking a little faster when my phone vibrated again, pulling him with me. The insistence probably meant big trouble. 

“I didn’t want to say it by message, but… we can finally have some time together. Like you asked.” He stopped walking for a moment, looking at me like I gave him the best news he could ever hear. “Bucky will travel on 27th, so… if you want to… I don’t know, I can be with you. So we can spend more time besides New Year’s Eve.” 

I couldn’t help feeling nervous, like he would turn me down, and chose not to be with me anymore. It wasn’t like this didn’t happen before, the first “I love you” I heard from a boyfriend came the day before he left me, because “I couldn’t give what he wanted most.” 

“Really?” I nodded. “Do you want to travel too? We can go somewhere, I don’t know, you can choose or-“

“I like it here. And I want to go to your mom’s party,” I said. I really enjoyed traveling, but this time I just wanted to stay quiet, have some regular mornings and celebrate in New York for the first time in years. Most of the time, Bucky and I traveled because we wanted to escape family functions for a little bit, this time I could enjoy just being with Bob. “We can have some days for ourselves.” 

“Okay…” Bob kissed me again, and once more when we got to my car. I could feel his excitement through every touch, and this made the fear growing in my heart ease a little bit. He wouldn’t leave, at least not for now. The genuine feeling of love was still so strange to me. “I’ll be waiting. With a Christmas gift.” 

“Don’t spend too much on me,” I asked. “I mean it, nothing expensive.” Bob just nodded and smiled as he waved goodbye with his diploma in his hand, excited as a little kid, without giving an answer about the gift. 

I drove away feeling bad for leaving, especially on a special occasion. 

The more serious all this would get, the idea of a double life seemed more difficult. What would I do in a few months, with a big pregnancy belly? Run and hide from his family? Stop seeing him altogether? If they ended up knowing about Bucky? They had a security company, for cry out loud, they would probably figure it out in no time.  

In a way, having to come back for work that morning saved me from an awkward situation, yet one that I couldn’t escape for long. 

I needed to fix this. Real soon. 

+++ 

“I should buy you some tight pants, you're not being gay enough,” I pulled some shirts from the closet, most of them were white or baby blue. Most also were suits, because Bucky focused on his job. His plain shirts at least were more decent than Bob’s ones. “Something more colorful, maybe. Or low-cut shirts that show off your nipples.” 

“I’m too old for that,” Bucky laughed, head laying next to the open suitcase on our bed. He let me pack it up from him. 

We just came back from the Christmas mass, the family went every year, and our night was with the community, not just with family. I learned to like it after the first time. I could stay by Bucky’s side, playing with Peter till he finally slept on my shoulder. Brock didn't attend, which really helped. 

“You’re hot! A leather pants would be a nice touch,” he gave me a grimace. 

“I’m forty, Lena. I would end up on the internet being called a rag.” 

“So they would all be wrong, and I would fight for my rag gay husband with all of them on Instagram.” Bucky laughed more, so much that almost fell from the bed. “You know you can give up on our bet, right? My pick for the name will be the best, anyway.” Bucky dramatically gasped.

“I’ll be here before you!” He pointed at me. “Grandma drives faster than you anyway, I’ll pass you by on the interstate.” That was my time to pretend to be offended. He was right, however. I hated driving, he got me a good SUV that I didn’t hate, but I would choose an Uber anytime. “Has your period ended already?”

“Yeah.” I was worried that it came two times in a month, but it was at the beginning of the month and again, by the end. My desperate call to the gynecologist came back with a “It’s normal, Yelena.” that made sleep better at night. “It’s even good that my fertile window will be in the first week of January, which will increase our chances.”

“That 's great.” he let out a sigh. “You’re sure you’re okay with this?”

I looked at him, confused.

“About the insemination?”

“About the trip.” 

“Of course! What's a cheating husband without a trip out of town?” I bent down the moment he threw a pillow at me, laughing out loud of his face. “It 's okay. You need this, the… safety of somewhere when no one will see you, or judge.” We looked at each other. “Have you ever thought about moving?” 

“Moving?”

“Yeah, we could go somewhere else. Where no one in your family lives.” Bucky looked at me like I said the most strange words ever. “We can find a good place, still in the state. Find a different congregation if you want, and a good school district.”

“And what about the factory?”

“When the baby comes, you will be at home for some years. And I don’t need to be there everyday. We could make it work fine.” He looked so lost still, like the possibility never crossed his mind. “It 's an idea. We could divorce, and you would be my roommate. Your family would never know.”

“They would. Where could I go, still in New York, and they wouldn’t know that I left my wife?”

“I don’t know… we never really thought about it, but we could find a way.” Bucky got on his knees on the bed, looking at me in all seriousness, arms crossed now that the cast was gone. “Don’t be so defensive, it’s a suggestion.” 

“You never talked about these things. Never talked so much about leaving our marriage!”

“Because you finally opened up to someone! Don’t you want to be with Sam? Or a guy that could give you what you really wanted?” Bucky opened his mouth like I had slapped him. “Our baby will come anyway, you can still have your happiness.”

“I am happy!” Bucky screamed in the most unhappy way possible. “I knew it! Bob is talking this into you, and I bet Sam is doing the same, trying to ruin our marriage!”

“No one told me anything!” I screamed.

“You’re lying!” He yelled back. “Do you really think any of this will last? Bob is fucking bipolar, he is one major crisis away to leave, when he gets paranoid that you don’t love him, because you guys don’t have sex!” I took a step back, feeling like he had slapped me, incapable of saying anything. “I will not throw my life away for him, or Sam, in an empty hope to be loved when the best we would get is being beaten on the streets again, and you would be left alone.”

“You… you don’t know if this will happen…” I murmured. 

“We know how the world is, Yelena. How many times have I seen your heart being broken?” I felt my bottom lip trembling, but I didn’t wanted to cry. Not at that moment. “The women at least lasted longer. Bob is a man, they don’t stay. They never do.” 

“You’re a man also.” I remembered him, almost smiling at his contradictory speech.

“I’m your best friend, Lena. You’re my person, the mother of my child. He will leave the moment the belly shows up, it’s simple like that.” This time I couldn’t hold the tears. He was right. A kid for another man would be too much to ask. Bucky moved to the edge of the bed, still on his knees, holding me into a hug. “We have each other. We always knew that this… dynamic, with Bob and Sam, would never last.”

“I know…” I whispered. “All this will probably end next month, right?” 

“Yeah…” He caressed my hair, and I cried more, making his shirt wet. “You can keep it for a little more time, as long as your heart can handle it.” I hugged him tightly. 

Even though I had taken Ava’s advice seriously, Bucky was my real partner in this “adventure”. Bob would never come into my life if it wasn't for him, so his words holded more weight. More months without sex and a pregnancy belly would be Bob’s way out. 

“I love him…” I whispered, and couldn’t even believe I had said it. I loved Bob. I really did.

“I know, baby.” I felt his tears falling in my hair when he pressed a kiss on the top of my head. “Love is not enough, not for people like us. We grow old, and alone… but we found each other. We’re so lucky…” I nodded. He was right. 

We were so lucky. 

+++

I took Bucky to the airport at six in the morning for his flight at eight. Sam was already waiting for him there. I hugged him tightly, adjusting his scarf better, because he always got a cold when we traveled on airplanes. I watched him go like a mother saying goodbye to her kid in his first big adventure. I even shedded a tear when I lost him from sight. Family thought that we went together to Washington, to meet some friends from my college time. 

I drove to Brooklyn hearing Christmas songs, because the days between the 25th and 31st were a big void in entertainment. New Years wasn't thematic enough to have proper songs. I sent a message to Bob before I left the airport, and had to smile when I finally got to the building, and saw him sitting on the floor, back resting against the open door, waiting for me. 

“Everthing is magical in the beginning.”, I thought to myself. 

“Happy December 27th.” He took my suitcase from my hands, walking me inside, kicking the door shut. “I bought you a gift.”

“You shouldn’t.” I said. “But I did it, too.” I took my suitcase back, kneeling on the floor. “Your nerd ass not having one of these is almost criminal, so…” he gasped loudly when I pulled out a lego box. 

The thing was enormous, which made me bring a suitcase bigger than necessary, but it was worth it.

“Millenium Falcon!” I laughed as he hugged me, pressing kisses to my face, almost ignoring the gift. “I love it!” 

“You didn't even see it!” He was too busy kissing me to care, but would in some minutes. Bob pressed one more kiss to my lips before hugging his gift, his eyes shining holding the box. “It’s a graduation gift too.”

“Thanks… You’re right, why have I never bought one before?” He looked around. “I will build and put it there,” He pointed at the top of the higher shelf. “Will be safer from tiny grabby hands. Dad used to have airplane miniatures, I destroyed two of them before he bought a glass display. Never underestimate a one year old's strength.” 

I smiled, but didn’t said anything. I could still have this for a little longer.

“Don’t move, I have your presents right here.” Bob jumped to his feet, running to the guest room to the left. “Ok, it's more than one, but in my defense, I'm not good at making decisions, and it’s a useful gift too.” He came back carrying a small box on his left hand, and dragging what looked like a mannequin. 

“Oh my god…” I murmured, helping him with the big thing. It was really a mannequin, a dressmaker one, that could be adjusted for different sizes, for different types of bodies. 

“This one goes from 4 to 12. I saw it in a store the other day and I thought that would be cool as a gift because you really like to make things.” I nodded, sliding your fingers through the red fabric of the mannequin. I always thought about buying one of these, but never did. “How many pockets will you hide in your next dress?”

“I will make boob pockets right here,” I pointed below my breasts, "and one to hide money right in the middle, and the classic ones on the skirt." 

“The pocket industry loses so much without you,” we both dramatically nodded about my talent. “And there is this one,” he handed me the small box, wrapped in yellow paper with a big blue ribbon.

“What is it?”

“A gun.”

“Yes!” I shook the package, smiling broadly. "I feel so American right now." I pulled the ribbon and almost could feel how nervous he was.

“It’s nothing too fancy, I just wanted to…” it was a necklace, with a sun pendant, gold sun rays and a rock in the middle that was probably a diamond. Simple, tiny. Besides my rings I didn’t use much jewelry, but I liked that one. “It means you. Your name, actually. I know it’s not exactly ‘sun’, it’s bright light, so… You don’t need to use it, it’s really not-”

“I love it.” I said, and he let out a sigh in relief. “Really.” I gave him the box back when I took off the necklace. Bob dropped it on the ground, so he could put it around my neck. I felt his hands shaking, and it took a little longer than expected, but he managed to do it.

“Look good.” he nodded to himself when moved back in front of me, and I came closer, pressing a kiss to his lips.

“I really wanted the gun, though.” He laughed loudly. “What? I would be a fucking sniper if I wasn’t so cool as a designer.” 

“I believe you,” pulled me to his arms, taking me from the ground, “You would be like a super spy, from the KGB.” 

“People actually asked me about this when I moved here. Unfortunately, not every Russian is a trained super spy.” Bob dropped me when we got to his room, “You didn’t sleep again, did you?” He didn't answered, just laid in bed, wrapped himself in the sheets and closed his eyes. “Your supervisor will fire you if you get late on your internship.” 

“I don’t get late, I will just yawn the whole day and drink coffee,” I took my shoes off, laying by his side. “I could get used to this… sleeping by your side.” he put the sheets over me too. 

“I move too much.” I murmured. 

“I’m a heavy sleeper.” I didn't said anything else, just looked at him. 

Bob slept fast, the light coming from the windows wasn't a bother, so he probably was up for long and way too tired. My fingers reached for his face, his lips pouting, cheeks pressed against the pillow. 

“I love you, Bob.” I said, hoping that he would know, even if he couldn't hear it. 

+++

“Uncle Jae thinks I'm a bum, he really can’t believe I have a pretty girlfriend.” Bob said, and I laughed. His uncle was really vocal about how Bob even got a girlfriend to begin with, which was mean, but Grandma Ethel was fast in reminding him about being almost fifty and in his fourth divorce because no women handle him for more than two years. “But you’re really way too pretty for me, can’t blame him.”

“Don’t say that.” He gave me a glass of champagne. The party was nice, my white dress was the one of my wedding reception, but it wasn't too wedding-like. The lace gloves went till my elbows, the corset and the side split was bold enough to make Bucky's family understand that I would not be a good catholic. I was happy to have another chance to use it. “You are handsome.” 

“That’s not true.” I narrowed my eyes to him. “I’m decent. Maybe good looking when I sleep a whole night.” 

“You slept a lot these days, so you’re a super model now,” I came closer, pressing a kiss to his lips, “You’re beautiful.” His fingers slipped to my chin, taking the kiss a little deeper. 

This rooftop was nicer than the other one. Had way more people too. The music wasn’t so loud, and where we stood, it was possible to hear the music from the shows. I couldn’t tell what the artist was, or what song, but it didn't sound bad. There was a ballroom downstairs, but nothing in the world would make me dance. 

“My first New Year here, I begged Nat to see the Ball Drop. So we went with Bucky and Sue, her best friend.” I looked at the tower direction, the Ball looked nice this year, the red and white looked nice from afar. “I was so excited that I just almost passed out once.” Bob pulled me close, and I laid my head on his shoulder.

“There were too many people, right?” I nodded.  

“Too many… I didn't have anxiety back then, but there were so many!” still was. It was hard to say if it was more crowded or not, seeing from the top of a building, but the sensation of being surrounded was not pleasant. “I tried again the year after, I panicked before we got close.”

“Are you feeling okay?” Bob asked, and I looked up to him, giving a smile. 

“Yeah. And how are you feeling?” I asked. It was less than two minutes away from midnight.

“Well… I usually get an impending doom feeling at the end of the year, when I think about why I live and why anything matters at all. And the human existence has no meaning, and we work every day to get a little closer to our deaths, hoping for an afterlife that justifies our suffering and pain.” We looked at each other.

“Valid.” I said, and he laughed. 

“Just that soul crushing sadness before I get drunk. But I won't this year, because I took my meds. And I have you.” he pressed another kiss to my lips. 

“No impending doom?” 

“Not this time. I’m so normal, so neurotypical.” I took the last sip of champagne, and Bob took the glass from my hand, walking to a table nearby to put. 

He waved to some people at a distance, yet came back to me, pulling me into another kiss. His tongue tasted like champagne and lime. His lips were still on mine when the counting started, and I holded him tightly, wrapping my arms around his neck, squeezing my eyes shut when the fireworks started. 

It was noisy, loud. People screaming at the streets, fireworks and voices screaming at microphones, and around us. I couldn’t stop kissing Bob, I didn’t wanted to. The bubbling feeling on my chest just grew stronger, and I let out a laugh when he pulled me from the ground. I felt confetti falling on us, and the harsh wind of December. It was perfect.

“Happy New Year, Bob.” I whispered to him, stealing a peek, and he smiled bigger.

“Happy New Year, Lena.”

+++

“He’s probably not even in town,” Bob said. “Turn here.” He waved to the right.

“We will get stuck on the bridge!” I argued. “It’s faster that way,” I pointed to the street ahead.

“We’re not passing Harlem, love. La Guardia is just fine according to the app.” I was letting him be the navigator because I hated having to use GPS. I liked to know exactly where I was going, and the GPS was just a back-up. “We go through Bronx and get there in no time.” 

“Okay…” Bob looked at me, and let out a laugh. “What?”

“All this is for the name of the baby?” I nodded. “Bucky is not there, his flight is from JFK, you don’t even need to try.”

“Don’t underestimate Bucky’s will to piss me off.” He laughed again, and I could feel that he still looked at me, “You don’t need to go if you don’t want to. I can find I safe place to stop and you can find a cab-”

“What? Of course not, I’m going with you.” I turned to him for a second, just to give him a smile. “Stop trying to get rid of me, Lena. I’m not going anywhere.” I gave one more look at him again, and back to the road.

“Do you promise?”

“I promise.” he said, I smiled to myself this time. “And as I’m going with you, I should have a say in the baby’s name. Like… half of the prize, as we’re doing this together.”

“No!”

“It 's fair!” 

“A veto at best. If the name is bad, you will be the voice of reason, and save my poor kid.” 

“Fine,” Bob laughed a little, just turning to me again to give a smug look when he was proved right about La Guardia. I kept driving in almost silence, the hosts on the radio just stopped talking to put a bad remix of an EDM song, then came back to talk more about the audience and the number of people that were still in Times Square. 

“Almost there…” I murmured, looking at the radio clock. Four in the morning. 

“He’s probably stuck in traffic.” Bob said, which was really possible.

The streets as I got closer to home were empty, a handful of people stumbling as they walked, wasted from the parties. I would peacefully park home as planned, if I didn’t see another car coming from the parallel street. Bucky looked straight at me through the windshield in the passenger seat, and I slammed the brakes, throwing Bob forward and back to the seat.

“What the hell?” he said.

“He’s not going to win!” 

I got my keys, unbuckled my seatbelt and jumped from the car, running barefeet to the front door. Bucky did exactly the same, leaving a confused Sam behind, as I left a lost Bob also. My car was closer, and I was faster, making me reach the front door first.

“No!” I screamed when Bucky pulled me from behind, holding my waist and taking me from the ground before I could put the key in the lock. 

“Sam! Go inside!” Bucky screamed. 

“It 's not fair! Bob, go inside too!” And I tossed my keys to him, my legs shaking in the air. Bob had just got out of the car. Unfortunately for me, Bucky’s broken arm healed perfectly, because he was not letting me go, “I got here first! I almost unlocked the door, and Sam’s car is all the way there!”

“No! Bob, don’t you dare!” Bucky pointed at him when Bob picked up my keys from the ground. “Sam!” 

“You both are insane,” Sam laughed, while Bob was still confused about what to do next. “Ignore their white asses, Bob!” He laughed loudly, “Yelena looks like a cartoon! Look at her little legs!” Bucky and Bob start laughing, and as punishment, I pressed my heel against my lovely husband's foot, making him scream, but not let go. 

“Let me go!” I looked angrily at my husband, who looked back with narrow eyes. “I won! I got to the front first, you reached me!” 

“She 's right.” Sam said, as he went back to his car, to park it properly.

“Which side are you on?” I looked back to Bob, who had finally decided that parking the car was better than helping me to win my important competition. “Fine,” he released me, a sulky expression on his face. His competitive ass hated admitting defeat. “But I got here too, I want to pick the second name.” I pretended to think about it just to piss him off. 

“Ok. Deal.” I agreed. 

Bob and Sam walked closer to us a minute after, both cars parked in front of the driveway. Our deal was the first day being just for us. Bob even accepted that without question, and we planned to call him an Uber before Bucky got home, yet everyone was there, at that moment, together. 

“Who wants to go inside?” I asked. We looked around, the empty street, the quiet and still dark dawn, and nodded along. Bucky was the one who opened the door, waving to Sam and Bob to walk inside first. We look at each other, “Happy New Year, Bucky.” 

“Happy New Year, Lena.” 

I smiled at him before walking inside, tiredness finally caught up with me. I just wanted to sleep, and nothing else. I smiled again as I saw Bob and Sam on the sofa, both looking as tired as I felt, but happily laughing about the small and chaotic moment on the front yard. They looked happy, Bucky also was. 

I could pretend it was a sign about the future. 

(…)

I woke up in my bed, wrapped like a burrito, in the most cozy spot, in the middle of the bed. There was light outside, but I couldn’t tell if it was morning or not. The pale light didn’t help my guesses, and by the wind in the closed windows, maybe it would finally snow. 

My mind took some time to finally hear voices coming from outside. It was not too far, and the kitchen was the only room with a strong enough echo to reach the bedroom, so I presumed they were there. 

Bucky. And Bob. 

“The last one was pretty bad,” Bucky was saying. “It was a girl, Ingrid… Lena was so sure that would work it out. She gets this childlike attitude when she is happy…” my heart tightened when I realized they were talking about me. “They broke up because the girl was cheating. Like, with a bunch of people!”

“She gave up after that?” Bob asked. 

Bucky didn’t answer out loud, so I presumed he nodded.

“Lena was recovering from the depression, doing good… that broke her. She cried so much that passed out. I took her to the hospital and everything.” It was strange to hear what happened from Bucky. We talked about it, but not the events, just the feelings. How empty I felt. Broken. “Never thought she would try to reach for someone again till you.”

“I-I don’t-”

“She told me about the app, that she met you there for me. It 's fine. I was not surprised with the proposal, she always has this… obligation, I guess. She would do the same with you if you guys were together. Suggest you find someone to fulfill the sexual part.” Bucky knew me well, I would eventually suggest that to Bob, because I did before. In desperate attempts to keep the relationship working. “Would never work for you two, of course.”

“What do you mean?”

“No offense, but you’re not like me.” 

They were silent, then Bob let out a dry laugh. 

“You don’t really know me, Bucky.” 

“You’re not like her. It happened before, even with that girl. It was cute in the first months, till she found a pair of panties that it’s not hers in your closet.”

“I’m not like that!” 

“No one was… till they were. Everything is magical, till it is not.” He let out a loud sigh. “By coincidence, you both had the same teacher, in the same Uni, and you live where Natasha lived, and maybe you think this is lovely, and it’s fate, and made her think it is too. But this is not destiny, Bob. It's just New York.” 

“I didn’t claim that was destiny.” Bob said quietly this time, I almost couldn't hear him.

“You believe it is. Your mind does these things, the idea is compeling… I can see why you both bonded. The connection is there, and it’s cute in a way. But it won’t last, like it didn't last with the others. I don’t want you to disappear from her life, you’re a good friend, but romantically, this arrangement is set up to fail.” 

“And you… and Sam? What are you both in this?” 

“I will have to let it go, too.” I could hear the sadness in his voice. Made my heart shrunk. He could see both of our destinies, and how in the end, we only had each other. Bucky was not a hopeful one, at least, not the Bucky I knew. He lost this, long ago. “It’s not fair, but it is the life we choose.” 

“Choose?” I hear a chair moving, and the rage in his voice, “Bucky, you are all she has! Best friend, husband, even her boss. You are everything!” Bob’s voice got a little louder. Angrier. “She will never really leave, because how can she? It’s all about you!” 

“That’s not true!”

“It is! You would really let her leave if things had worked out with any of the others? Actually, I don’t think she would get to that part, Yelena would never leave the man that literally saved her life. A house, a job, a family, citizenship…”

“Yelena could leave right now if she wanted to!” Bucky screamed, then got quiet, afraid that I would wake up. I wondered how they would feel if they knew that I was awake already. But it didn’t matter. I just kept listening. 

“She loves you too much to do this,” Bob said. “And honestly, I don’t believe you will even leave Sam when the baby comes. It's easier to keep him as your dirty secret, while you maintain the perfect family for the church. And she will take it, because Yelena thinks she doesn’t deserve better.”

“I’ll not do it. Five years together, I had never been with a man, or anyone at all, till she told me to do it. You could never handle what I did.” Bucky growled every word, the rage I knew he hid, bubbling to the surface. 

“You’re wrong, Bucky. And it’s new to you… being wrong. I can tell. But you are. You are wrong about me, about Yelena, even about yourself.” They got quiet, for what it felt like too long, yet were merely seconds. “I love her, and you better get used to my presence, because I’m not leaving. I will not walk away just because you have no courage to be a man.” 

I didn’t hear much more, till the sound of the door slamming echoed through the house. I didn’t move, staying exactly where I was, hugging my pillow like a safebuoy. I knew Bucky would not come back to bed, as I knew I would not sleep again. Every word was taking turns in my head, repeating themselves. I didn’t know what to think, or what to do. 

And it was just January first.