Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Your ears are more sensitive than the average humans, but the metal music was soothing to the grinding silence shrouding you. Earth C wasn't supposed to have homelessness. Yet here you are. It was the middle of the night, central Can Town. There were a few nocturnal specters roaming around, but they were docile and kept to themselves. An archaic problem provided an archaic response, it seemed. Or they couldn't comprehend why a teenage girl could possibly be sleeping in the park after running off from boarding school.

Crocker probably would be pissed off that her money was wasted in hiding you away only for you to runaway and dropout of that hellhole. Your girlfriend will be heartbroken that she can't get ahold of you anymore, but nothing in your life has been normal or consistent. Despite your Mom's best efforts of laying low, you never had the luxury of laying low. You never had the luxury of being children of "gods" or "saviors". To you, they brought you into this world and all you were was a sick, inside joke.

You've had three energy drinks and smoked cigarettes since six in the afternoon when you got the pack. You're going to stay up until the sun goes down and when the sun comes up, you'll be sleeping under one of the trees to keep the sun out of your eyes.

No one should bother you, especially if your ears are covered. No one will bother with your tail curled around you that'll look fake enough to be like those girls that adopted the racoon tails to their uniform or their schoolbags. Or, furries...

Fucking furries...

That's your name after all. And you hate it.

Punk rock starts playing in your ears while you scroll through your phone catching up on the latest hijinks and politics. You walk yourself around the park for an hour. The sun isn't coming up for another few hours, this is going to be a long night.

Wandering is getting tiring... Your phone battery is connecting to the portable, the portable is at full battery. When the sunrises, you'd wake up and make for the nearest outlet. Maybe find a local gym to rinse off and change in the extra clothes in your bag.

The hours ticking by roll until you finally feel too heavy to tolerate standing. You lay down, listening to music, and drifting off against the tree trunk.

Waking up was always difficult, but now that you weren't sleeping all the way through the night, it was even harder to want to get up, but it had to be fucking done. You had to keep moving so no one would grow worried or suspicious. Your phone stayed charged, but the battery pack was going to get low, and you were out of energy drinks and baking under the sun made you thirsty for actual water. Maybe you'll get a free breakfast sandwich.

Hunger hadn't set in from chainsmoking the evening away yet but that didn't stop your body from still being heavy and your mind being sluggish. The air was cooler in the cafe and you've been here an hour. Maybe closer to two sipping on iced water. Free wifi was nice until the baristas started giving pitying glances and you eventually do get that free sandwich. A few nice words were exchanged. You didn't mind the bit of kindness but it made you too fidgety when eventually they'd ask. "Where's your parents?" She knew it was time to leave soon after, not too quick to keep raising concern. A dinner that didn't charge for coffee refills lets you sit for a few more hours before you get a similar feeling of worry or pity. There was a gym on the outskirts of the human kingdom but you knew better than to stay there long.

Shower. Changed.
It was still so early in the day. Public transit was easy to hop on, it was free, and you could blend into the schoolkids chatting with friends heading home or to friends or to whatever bullshit activity their parents had them doing as babysitting. You stay on until the last stop, a center in the consort's district. Even if they had questions, they were too dumb to do much other than follow you around. You might get a posse going but a family does invite you into your home. If any other group had done it, it would have bordered on kidnapping, but they insisted on letting you in for dinner and gave you something resembling the most like human food.

By the time night hit, they were all asleep, you were gone.

It was too late for any reasonable soul to be out and yet here you were. One of the only humans in the consort kingdom. You'd stand out but it's deserted save for little amphibians trekking in their little suits to get home from a late shift. You don't notice until it's too late. You don't notice until the back of your shirt is lifted like a pup being picked up by your scruff. "Isn't a little late to be out, little lady?" Oh god. The voice was flat and low but soft. You knew who it was. Everyone knows these immortal fucks.

Your eyes meet none other than Dirk Strider. You're trying to look over his face for any recognition in his features, but he's only taking you in and it makes your stomach drop. You growl out to let you go and he huffs a small laugh before setting you back unceremoniously on the ground. You catch your footing and his arms fold over his chest as though he's calculating. He seems to see you trying to scheme your own way to get out from under his gaze.

DIRK: Where are you off to?

He asks finally after chewing on his words.

YIFFANY: Does it matter?
DIRK: If a random child gets abducted, maybe.
YIFFANY: Oh no... Not the reptiles kidnapping me. How am I ever going to fend them off?

He tilts his head. The prickly elder's gaze falling on the beanie on your head with band pins.

DIRK: Those bands are from the old Earth.
YIFFANY: And?

Fuck. You knew you shouldn't have kept your mom's old pins.

DIRK: I know someone that listens to them. She plays the bass. Similar music.

He's got you backed into a corner even though you're both out in the open. Hovering a few inches indicating he flew overhead and lowered himself to investigate you.

YIFFANY: They're my mom's.

You admit, chewing on your cheek until it bleeds.

DIRK: Ah. Well, does she know where you are?
YIFFANY: She thinks I'm still at boarding school.
DIRK: Boarding school.

You feel his eyes shift over your tie and shorts.

DIRK: Explains the school uniform.

He's still silent and calculating. You try to back away for an escape plan. Desperate not to get dragged back to her. To that fucking school.

DIRK: Okay. I won't ask again why you're out so late.
YIFFANY: Good. I won't fucking answer either.

Then something nagging tugs at you, ears flickering under the beanie.

YIFFANY: Why are YOU out so late? Figured you'd go for a fly? Enjoy the night air?

You seemed to have caught him but you don't know where his corner was. You could probably find it. A few more minutes to figure out an escape.

DIRK: You know I can't let a kid wander around. You can handle your own but you have to go somewhere.
YIFFANY:I dont-

You grit your teeth.

The asshole nods.

DIRK: Okay.

Okay? What about any of this was okay?

DIRK: We'll figure it out tomorrow. You can crash on my futon instead of whatever the fuck you were planning to do.

You didn't plan a damn thing but you weren't going to tell him that.

YIFFANY: And if I don't want to?
DIRK: I have your mom's chumhandle. If she doesn't respond to me, she'll respond to Dave. Somehow I imagine she might want to know where her kid is.

Your eyes widen.

YIFFANY: Don't tell her where I am. I'll never hear the end of it.
DIRK: Don't go wandering around at night. Aimlessly.

You roll your eyes and dig your nails into your bag like claws.

YIFFANY: I'll stay one night.
DIRK: Oh? Do you have a plan on where you're going tomorrow? That's good, maybe you can outline what you're planning. I can give her an update once she hears back from your boarding school that you, what? Dropped out? Ran away?

Then it dawns on Dirk beyond your standoff at least briefly. You ran away from the world, but much like these stupid immortals, there's no escaping it no matter how much you want to. Instead you ran right into one of the assholes that made this hellhole for you to be tormented in. Yippie...

DIRK: Two nights.

His jaw sets tensely and his hands go into his pockets.

DIRK: Have you eaten?
YIFFANY: Yes.

You've heard he's a terrible cook anyway, not that you would turn down takeout.

DIRK: In the last few hours?

You give an indication of a nod.

DIRK: Good. Let's go, kid.

This god tier asshat starts off in the opposite direction he approached you in, a phone in hand. The green text made you nervous at a glance and he looks over at your peering eyes as you follow.

DIRK: Nosey pup.

He puts his phone away.

YIFFANY: Who was that screaming at you on your phone?
DIRK: That's his quirk.

He clarifies and obviously dodges. You hum, letting it go for now.

YIFFANY: Whatever. Two nights. I'll come up with a plan and be out of your dumb weeb hair.

He seems to find this funny and your walk together is mostly silent. You aren't sure why he didn't pick you up and fly, but he seems patient enough to let you willingly walk your miserable ass to his apartment. Maybe to tire you out and it worked.

Chapter Text

Dirk shuffles in, seeming to not mind at all that you were winded by the long, late night walk and the ridiculous incline.

YIFFY: Is there not a fucking elevator?

Maybe you needed to smoke less cigarettes.
Nah.

DIRK: Yeah, there's an elevator.
YIFFY: Well, why didn't we take the elevator?

Dirk shrugs.

DIRK: I barely ever use the damn thing. I didn't see a point.
YIFFY: Man, ffffuck you...
DIRK: You never gave me your name.

He hands you a water bottle and you drain it down habitually like after your soccer practices. The crunch follows the former habit and you toss it towards the trashcan.

YIFFY: You never heard my name...

Dirk floats like a ghost around his own apartment, unsure of what to do with himself, and restless while he awaits his answer.

DIRK: Nope.
YIFFY: Yiffany Longstocking. Just call me Ruby.
DIRK: Yiffany?
YIFFY: Yeah, it's stupid. I didn't come up with it obviously. It's Yiffy for short.
DIRK: Yiffy...

You wait for the laughter track you've heard your whole life. You've dealt it all.

DIRK: I see why you want to go by Ruby. Got it.
RUBY: Thanks.

And you meant it.
You both say goodnights. He sets up the couch like a bed for you to rest for the night.

=> Ruby: Wake up.

You come to slower than usual. The morning felt different than most you've had in the last while. Everyday in boarding school felt like a privatized prison amongst girls with striking eyeliner and tobacco clinging to their uniforms. It felt that way for all the girls, but it didn't change that it was basically a hellscape.

You weren't in a dormitory, you weren't under a random tree outside, but you didn't feel like you were anywhere familiar. How could you when you barely knew this guy?
He was already hovering around the kitchen quietly when you wake up. He offers you a cup of water and you take it, scrambling out of the covers, and reach for your brush to fix your bedhead.

DIRK: Hungry? I have bacon and eggs going.

He can't fuck up bacon and eggs. You nod.

RUBY: Scrambled.

He nods and makes them as requested. A heap of fluffy eggs you've never seen before and a hefty pile of bacon. It was almost touching if you actually knew this stoic stranger.

RUBY: Do I look that malnurished?
DIRK: I can hear the clinking of energy drinks in your bag when you walked around. You need something other than caffeine.
RUBY: Speaking of...

You reach for your bag.

DIRK: Cans are in the fridge. Just making sure you didn't have anything else worrisome.
RUBY: You went through my bag? What? Did you think I had, black tar heroin or Jane's jewels?
DIRK: I had to see for myself, but I won't go through your shit after. All you have is a pocket knife.
RUBY: No kidding. Don't go through my shit.
RUBY: And give me that pot of coffee.

Dirk pours you a mug of black coffee and you accept. It goes down with the water he's offered, and he pours you more water along the plate of eggs.

DIRK: I need to go to my workshop today. You can either tag along or hang here. It's more centralized in Can Town but don't go running off too long.
RUBY: I still have to think of where to go.
DIRK: Like your mom's or back to... A school?

You frown at him.

RUBY: I'm not going to either.
DIRK: We need to come up with a plan so you're safe and stable.
RUBY: No where is like that for me.
DIRK: Then until we find something better, you're sticking around.

You mull over his words, the itch of authority was calm rather than demanding. He didn't lord over you as if his words were final. There were options, but this sounded like the best one. You had to keep your nose hot to the gravel in case he were to turn around and put the collar on you.
Hopefully not literally.

RUBY: Fine. For now.

Was that a week? Two? You didn't know, right now you were focused on putting a dent in the eggs and bacon.
This guy leans his elbows on the kitchen top drinking coffee while you ate.

RUBY: I'm staying around here though. I want to look over that paperwork some more.

Dirk's expression shifted slightly into something that you've only been able to distinguish in people looking at you as sad. A sad, soppy look for your sake, but then it disappeared. Dissolving back into his stony face that somehow pissed you off more.

DIRK: Okay, you figure your thing out. I'll give you my handle in case there's anything you need. You know where you're at if you need a walk. I get roof access. Knock yourself out, there's a few swords around the house.
RUBY: I'd rather set shit on fire.
DIRK: Cool. I'll remember to get firecrackers and explosives.

You cock a brow, he looks to be serious about the matter, and you feel yourself smile mischievously. You won't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Dirk pushes himself off with a sigh, muttering about getting himself ready for the day.

When he's finally gone, you're left to the quiet, stillness.
You're not used to it. The space, the quietness, any of this calm bullshit.
Even with the crappy ninja stars laying around, it was the last thing that made you uneasy.

And then thoughts of your mom crept it.
You didn't want to deal with any of that, cranking up the music on his TV and sound system before looking over these folded papers yet again.
The stipulations depended on the kingdom you filed them in, you had to wait until you were sixteen to submit the forms in the consort kingdom, and proof you could live on your own.

Well, you weren't sixteen yet, not even by consort terms or unit of eligibility, and you have no job or a place of residence. You needed more time so your mom wouldn't try to smother you on sight again. Or hound you down to go somewhere you didn't want to be only because the light of day wasn't meant for you.

Fuck.

Fuck this world, man.
Your moms were thirteen when they nuked their world and you don't even get to be responsible for yourself. It's not like either of them really want to be responsible for you either. Why else weren't you able to crash anywhere they lived?

You have no means to support yourself beyond the kindness of strangers, the energy drinks that cost pocket change, and begging people to buy you nicotine so you don't get carded and caught doing stupid shit.

And now you have to rely on this fucking dude to let you crash on his couch.

Where do you fucking go from here? You needed a plan, you need an out.

You hear the door open, breaking the mapped out thoughts in your head in shitty red doodles, and expecting Dirk to be gone much longer than this, you crumble them into another heap of trash, and look up. Much to your horror, your heart sinks to your stomach, and you snarl in defense.

That's not Dirk.

You have nothing and now another element to your torment walks in. Why was this guy here?

CALIBORN: OH. DIRK GOT A DOG. YOU'RE AN ABYSMAL LOOKING CREATURE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

His green, scaled features were even more unreadable, and even more aggravating than Dirk's. You'd seen Calliope, but not this close. Their features were just as alien but somehow more approachable.

RUBY: I could say the same for you, asshole. What the fuck are you doing here?
CALIBORN: I LIVE HERE.

What the fuck?

RUBY: I meant HERE.

You grit your teeth at him. He begins to laugh.

CALIBORN: YOU ARE NOT MERELY AS MENACING AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. LITTLE PUP.

He dismisses her with a waved claw that surely could tear open your delicate throat if he wanted to. There was a certain amount of terror that made you realize. You don't stand a chance against this immortal. And he just lives here? He walks to the fridge and eats the raw slab of meat sitting in the fridge. You feel sick to your stomach as you witness the grotesque action.

RUBY: How did you get here?

You needed to prod.

CALIBORN: IT WASN'T DIFFICULT. DIRK HELPED AID ME IN MY ESCAPE FROM PARADOX SPACE. IT WAS BORING OUT THERE YOU SEE. NOT THAT THIS PLACE IS ANYMORE ENTERTAINING. BUT AT LEAST IT PRESENTS A CHALLENGE.

You felt like you were in a cartoon where the dumb villain was left to monologuing. His pride beaming in his eyes and movements.

RUBY: What kind of challenge?

Your head was getting light.
The cherub looks at you with similar hued eyes as you. Bigger, more violent.

CALIBORN: YOU'VE PALED. CHILD. SIT DOWN.

Did he smile like he finds that amusing? You don't do as you're told and that seems to earn his respect.

CALIBORN: NO. REALLY. SIT. I SHALL TELL YOU A TALE.

You groan and present a face of disgust. You sit. He sits across from you. He seems to take in that you slept there the night before judging by the state of blankets and pillows.

CALIBORN: I AM STIPULATED FROM MAKING ANY BEAUTIFUL MURDERS AS I HAD DONE BEFORE. IT IS. OF COURSE. IN MY NATURE TO DO SO. BUT HE THOUGHT THAT IT WOULD PRESENT AN INTERESTING DYNAMIC TO MY BEING HERE TO NOT. SPREAD CARNAGE AMONGST THE PRIZE MY ADVERSARY WON. AMD SINCE I LOST OUR GAME. IT IS WITHIN MY DUTY TO RESPECT THE WISHES OF THE VICTORS.
CALIBORN: AND I AM NOT ADHERING TO THESE RULES AS A BITCHFACED LOSER. BUT RATHER AS A CONTINUATION. WITH DIRK. THERE HAS BEEN NO OTHER PARTICIPATANTS IN OUR GAME. THEY DON'T EVEN REALIZE I'M HERE. YET.
CALIBORN: IT'S NOT A TERRIBLE SECRET. THOUGH. I'M BIDING MY TIME AND PROGRESSING THIS GAME OF OURS BEFORE I PRESENT MYSELF TO ANYMORE ELSE IN ALL MY GLORY.

You try to process this bullshit in a way that actually makes sense and it's lost on you. In all of this, you forgot the canvas sack that he dragged in. Your eyes land on it.

CALIBORN: THAT. IS DEER MEAT. AND SOME FOWL. I AM ONLY ALLOWED TO HUNT ANIMALS AS LONG AS I DON'T RUIN THE ENTIRE ECOSYSTEM. OR WHATEVER.

His eyes roll.

CALIBORN: COME CHILD.
RUBY: It's Ruby. Call me Ruby.
CALIBORN: THAT- IS NOT YOUR NAME. BUT I WILL HONOR IT IN THE TIME BEING.

You have no clue how he would know that.

CALIBORN: IN ANY CASE. IF YOU ARE NOT SQUEAMISH. COME LEARN TO CARVE MEAT WITH ME. WE HAVE MERE HOURS BEFORE IT SPOILS. YOU STILL LOOK PALE.

You nod.

RUBY: Yeah, Lord English just told me my grandpa and him are playing House together.
CALIBORN: HE IS YOUR GRANDFATHER. ISN'T HE? HAHA. WHAT AN OLD FUCK. YOUR HUMAN LINEAGES ARE STRANGE. WHO CARES. LET'S SALVAGE THIS MEAT. AND FIX YOUR COMPLEXION. IT'S FREAKING ME OUT.
RUBY: Dude, you're freaking me out. You shouldn't even be here.

He stands, going to the kitchen, and waving you over while he drags the slab of meats towards the island Dirk leaned on hours ago. You hadn't eaten since breakfast.
Caliborn pours a tall glass of orange juice and puts it into your hands. You look at it then back at him.

CALIBORN: WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT? DRINK.

You hesitantly do and this seems to satisfy him before unleashing the still warm deer, somehow neatly ripping into the fur and flesh and taking out the tools to butcher the creature.

You stare in awe as he tears it up. You aren't sure if that's even sanitary. He does take a knife and efficiently peels away at the fur. Curiously, you watch his work, not so grossed out by it. Just in awe at how nimble and precise it seemed to be despite his clumsy claws and mistreatment of the corpse before.

RUBY: How do you get the guts out without ruining the meat?

His eyes glance over at you briefly before his fluttery lashes curtain in concentration back to his work.

CALIBORN: ONE MOMENT. PATIENCE. RUBY CHILD.

You shift on the tips of your toes in anticipation. He watches you out of the corner of his eye as he diligently carves the skin from its body. Another knife goes into the skin of the underbelly, making a sickening noise. Soon the guts spill out with a horrible smell, but oddly enough, the process makes you hungry.

RUBY: I didn't know the insides looked like that.
CALIBORN: MOST INNARDS LOOK RELATIVELY SIMILAR. THERE'S VERY FEW DIFFERENCES. ASIDE FROM ONE ORGAN OR ANOTHER.
RUBY: I don't want to imagine that from speaking from personal experience.
CALIBORN: I'VE NEVER EATEN A HUMAN OR A TROLL IN A SIMILAR WAY. IF THAT'S WHAT YOUR WORRIES ARE.
RUBY: It wasn't before.

Caliborn gives a lighthearted chuckle but it does nothing to coax your nerves calmer.
For what seemed closer to hours, he's skinned the dear, plucked the guts and stored them for later, broke down the meat into chucks of meat that you see more or less packaged in the store, and moving onto the birds.

The birds are plucked and chucked in a similar fashion.

CALIBORN: I MUST NOTE. THIS MUSIC IS QUITE NICE.

You had forgotten all about the noise that filled the air between his already carnivorous motions. It was perfectly set to the music that you had blaring through the apartment complex.

RUBY: Oh, yeah. I like this stuff. Metal is pretty great.
CALIBORN: I HAVE NOT HEARD OF THIS. METAL. I LIKE THAT IT'S CALLED THAT.
RUBY: I listen to other stuff, but this is just what's been playing since I turned something on while I worked.
CALIBORN: I LIKE THIS. IT IS SUITABLE WORKING NOISE. YOU SHALL SHOW ME MORE OF IT.
RUBY: It's... still going, so yeah, man.
RUBY: The music's not stopping anytime soon. Keep showing me how carving that bird works.

His claws, though still clumsy, continue to work diligently to show you how it's done with the delicate, white meat rather than the more tender purple, meat of the deer. Your eyes zero in on the process as he's finishing and throws the knives into the sink.

Growing aware of the scene at hand, it looks like a messy murder took place here.

RUBY: Not that this place was much cleaner before, but oh man. Dirk is going to be fucking pissed.
CALIBORN: WORRY NOT WHAT THAT DORK WILL THINK. SOON THIS TENDER DELICACY FRESH FROM THE WOODS AND THE SKIES WILL BE TANTILIZING HIS SENSES AND SIZZLING ON HIS SKILLET.
CALIBORN: THIS IS AFTERALL. OUR DINNER.
RUBY: Does he know how to cook it?
CALIBORN: HM? I HAVE NO IDEA. I USUALLY EAT IT AT IT'S JUICIEST. TENDER MEAT LIKE THIS NEEDS TO BE ENJOYED FULLY FOR WHAT IT IS. BLOOD AND ALL.
RUBY: I think I'll take it on the more medium rare side. Fully cooked bird for me, man.
CALIBORN: SUIT YOURSELF.
RUBY: He makes decent breakfast.
CALIBORN: I CAN STILL SMELL THE BACON.

And like a blink of an eye, the kitchen was back to its original state.

RUBY: Wait- oh. You did that thing where you fucked with Time, didn't you?
CALIBORN: I HAVEN'T THE SLIGHTEST IDEA WHAT YOU MEAN.
RUBY: Whatever, so long as I don't have to clean up a crime scene and explain myself or you to Dirk. Since, evidently, you fuckin' live here too.
CALIBORN: YES. I DO. THOUGH. DIRK WOULD HAVE FREAKED OUT IF I LEFT IT IN THAT STATE. WHICH IS WHY I DECIDED TO CLEAN IT ALL UP.

He seemed to find it amusing, judging by the chuckling in his voice.

CALIBORN: HE LIKELY WILL HAVE NOTICED SOME PASSAGE OF TIME BEING TAMPERED WITH. I KNOW THAT THE KNIGHT MIGHT. IT TRY NOT TO LET IT GREATLY IMPACT ANY OTHERS' TIME. AND ISOLATE IT TO MY OWN. BUT THIS IS NOT THE MEDIUM. OR PARADOX SPACE. THE PRIZE PLACE EVIDENTALLY IMPACTS EVERYTHING.
RUBY: Weird. I don't really care that much so long as I don't have to hear it from him. I just slept the night, and I'm not getting booted off to some other dumb school because you're doing dumb shit.
CALIBORN: I DOUBT DIRK WOULD CARE A GREAT DEAL TO DO ALL THAT. YOU'D PROBABLY GET A LENGTHY LECTURE. AND THAT SOUNDS A LOT WORSE.

He rolls his eyes, reminiscing on the long scolding he must have gotten at some point before.

RUBY: So, did you make everyone lose time? Or just a ripple of time when you reverted the kitchen back to pre-carnage?
CALIBORN: OHH. SO SUDDENLY SOMEONE DOES CARE.
CALIBORN: BUT YES. IT STILL RIPPLES THE TIMELINE DESPITE ME TEMPORALLY DIPPING MY FINGER TO A POINT BEFORE THE MESS. RATHER THAN WASTING MORE TIME TO CLEAN UP THE MESS. IT'S NOT A GREAT DEAL OF WASTE OR SEVERAL HOURS THAT WILL MAKE OTHERS WONDER IF THEY'VE DEALT WITH ANOTHER BORING ASS DAY AGAIN. THEY ALREADY WATCHED THE SAME COMMERCIAL TEN TIMES TODAY. I DOUBT THEY'LL NOTICE IF THEY WATCHED IT ONE MORE TIME.
RUBY: Haha.

It wasn't a humorous laugh, but more of a sarcastic one. You weren't sure whether to piece this together as anything meaningful and to be honest, you didn't care how it impacted the other dumb immortals on the planet. You doubt they'll really pick a fight over an anomaly. Most mortals barely noticed and when your mom and uncle Dave do, it's usually brushed off as nothing within another ten minutes. Who knows if they can echolocate the source of manipulation?

You show Caliborn more music that he seems to enjoy a lot by how he moves to it and screams over it. His hands now were working on a new, arguably more destructive endeavor. Art.
If you can call it that. The drawing was abysmal weeb art on a tablet and you had gone back to trying to draw out ways that you can file for this emancipation.

You aren't sure how many hours pass and Caliborn had drawn three pieces of shit before Dirk walked in, stopping short to look at the both of you.

DIRK: Where have you been?
CALIBORN: HUNTING TRIP. THEY'RE ALL IN THE FREEZER. I LEFT A BIT OF VENSION FOR DINNER.
DIRK:...
DIRK: And you left the bloody knifes in the sink. So that means, you did it here.
CALIBORN: HUH. THOSE WEREN'T AFFECTED BY MY TEMPORAL TIDYING. STRANGE. I WAS SO SURE THAT I PUT THEM BACK.
DIRK: You did that here? With the kid here?
RUBY: I'm right here, and it was cool.
DIRK: Jesus fucking Christ, Cal.
CALIBORN: IT'S AN IMPORTANT SKILL TO LEARN.
DIRK: You walked in here, barely met the kid, and gored some animals in front of her. And then you just started drawing fluff next to her.
RUBY: Sounds about right.
CALIBORN: ACCURATE ENOUGH.
RUBY: The fluff art kind of sucks, but it's funny.
CALIBORN: HOW DARE YOU. I TAUGHT YOU HOW TO SKIN PERFECTLY GOOD MEAT. AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?
CALIBORN: TALKING ILL ON MY PASSIONS IN LIFE AND THE BEAUTY IN THE WORLD I BEAR WITNESS TOO?
RUBY: Pretty much.
CALIBORN: I SHOULD UNDO THE LESSON YOU LEARNT TODAY.
DIRK: You did enough fucking with Time today, I got a text from Dave asking why today felt uneasy.
CALIBORN: WHOOPS.

Caliborn turns his artwork to show to Dirk. Dirk sighs and peers over his shoulder.

DIRK: Yeah, these pretty much rock, dude. Finish up and we'll put these on the wall, too.
RUBY: ???
RUBY: I was wondering what was up with all the shit on the walls.

Caliborn hisses at you while you observe the wall in disdain.

DIRK: Easy, he gets territorial about his masterpieces.
RUBY: They're pieces all right.
RUBY: Can't you have paintings of tacky dicks on the walls or sculptures like regular gay men do?
CALIBORN: THOSE TEND TO BE RESERVED MORE FOR DIRK'S ROOM DECOR.
DIRK: Dude, shut up, I sell those.

Dirk smacks the back of his neck which earns him a growl, he sets the drawing pen down, and goes to lunge for Dirk. You expected it to be scarier, but it seemed more like a declawed beast pawing around a mouse. Studying the two, you relax a bit, and encourage the fight on like that of an audience of a wrestling match that you've seen Dirk put on televised.

Narrating some parts of the smackdown until they start coming up with other moves for the show. It seemed they both loved roughhousing and putting on a performance, calibrating their attacks for something that I could narrate until the thrill started to die down into a furious fit of giggles and snickering by you and Caliborn when Dirk crashes through the table, breaking it into smaller parts. He lies there briefly for a moment, not getting up.

DIRK: That's the third table I have to replace this week...
DIRK: We should probably stop before we break more shit or the neighbors call on us for a domestic welfare check.
RUBY: Oh no, the consort authorities coming over to check on a domestic dispute between two gods. How ever will they determine the noise or to properly scold...
RUBY: Lord fucking English.

Caliborn beams pridefully at your acknowledgement towards his final form that he no longer embodied some part of. You make a note of not stroking his ego that much more.

DIRK: Yeah, whatever, either way. You too start figuring out what movie to pick, I'm going to season that deer meat.
RUBY: Do you know how?
DIRK: Do you?
RUBY: I have the Internet, I can look at a few recipes to choose from.
DIRK: Yeah? So do I, you go figure out the movie, don't stress over the cooking. Maybe some other night.

There was a settling feeling that sat in your chest for a moment that you couldn't quite place.

RUBY: Fine.
RUBY: Caliborn, we're watching a horror movie.
CALIBORN: OOO. I LIKE THIS LITTLE BITCH. SHE'S GOT GOOD TASTE IN MOVIES.
DIRK: You did not just call her a bitch...
RUBY: Actually, it kind of suits me. I am a bad bitch.
CALIBORN: SEE. EXACTLY SHE'S A BAD BITCH. DIRK. YOU SHOULD TAKE NOTES.

The rest of the night was dedicated to movie watching and picking at Dirk's cooking, which you concluded was not as bad as you thought.
You guessed that it was probably your first homecooked meal that you tasted in a very long time.

Chapter Text

Be Dirk =>
You are now Dirk. You're currently looking over part of the logs with Dave at strange hours of the night through one eye as Caliborn snoozes in a heap of puppets you've constructed at one point or another. The glow of the TV and the lull of the fan blowing circulated air keeps you company and fills the background with noise provided Ruby's in the other room. It's been a few days now and Dave was overdue one of these feels jam.

You don't mind them.

You've come to expect them from time to time when he gets in one of these moods that actually has nothing to do with you, you're just the closest guy in proximity that could somewhat understand that which pertains to the strange, distant memories from a time period not connected to you, for an odd splinter with a lot of murky issues and complicated feelings you choose not to dwell on for too long. Lest your stomach begins to twist into knots and your mind fills with paranoia that doesn't necessarily belong to you.

Except, in some sort of way, it can. You try with all your might not to let it take up rent in your body for long.

TG: i really dont even know what to talk about at this point
TT: Whatever you want, dude.
TG: i guess its cheaper than therapy but idk dawg
TG: seems like a whole lot to put onto a guy all at once
TG: and then repeatedly again and again
TT: Gives me something to aspire to not be.
TG: thats
TG: yeah probably still not the best for your well being but still a positive spin
TG: sure
TT: You know I'll be around if you need to air out some old laundry.
TG: yeah but its been washed cycled through the dryer and folded up
TG: not sure what i need to go over with an iron and bust out the board over yknow?
TT: Sure. We can talk about something else and come back around to it. Whatever suits you, man.
TT:
TT: Not whatever as in "I don't care" but more like "I'm chill with what you need to hash out".
TG: no yeah
TG: i think... something else makes more sense yeah
TG: talk to any hot guys except your lame ass ex
TG: sorry jake isnt lame not completely anyway hes funny just not in the context of you two being an item
TG: or i guess what else is new? jumping right to your romantic entanglements might not be 100% fair
TT: Well.
TT: I've got a lot going on. Lots of eggs I'm trying to gather in one basket right now.
TG: all right not sure if i should go for the ovi joke or an easter bunny bit here
TT: Neither are great, Dave, but thanks. Maybe keep the egg laying between you and Karkat.
TT: It's been a bunch of little projects, something to keep me busy.
TG: thats not even a thing trolls do and you know it
TG: but anyway yeah lots of projects even though you need to make the hops
TG: got a lot of eggs needing to collect
TT: I never said I was always focused exactly on everything I need to do. I need something to do with my hands to keep my brain busy.
TT: A little bit of robots, a little bit of sewing.
TG: oh god not the smuppets
TT: I sew other shit, but yeah. That too. I've been fixing up Serket's arm. I'm the prosthetic guy lately. That makes it two in the last few months. If I had a nickel for every prosthetic I had to fix and all that.
TG: aw thats nice you give her a tune up
TG: do we know the other prosthetic user?
TT:
TT: Hm. Kind of.
TG:
TG: huh
TG: see there times are when normal qs are being asked and you do that thing you do
TT: What thing?
TG: what thing he says oh so coyly
TG: that thing
TG: where you sort of dodge a straight answer
TG: and it leaves me wondering...
TT: Don't wonder.
TG: and for why does my bro hide things from me?
TT: Ugh.
TG: it seems like such a small thing and yet you make it seem colossal
TT: Maybe it's small, maybe it's colossal.
TG: oh you tease me so bro
TT: I've been told on occasion.
TG: thats great man
TG: do... i wanna know this guy? are we perhaps
TG: rizzing him up as the kids say these days?
TT: Ah.
TT: You could say that? I guess.
TG: !!!
TT: It doesn't need all that.
TG: no no it does
TT: No. It doesn't.
TG: details?
TG: im flipping through a mag on my belly kicking my feet back and forth
TT: I sincerely doubt you'll like the answer.
TG: oh god is he another douche
TT: Probably the biggest douche.
TG: man why cant you just like
TG: not pick the worst dudes?
TT: The worst ones are often the best. You gotta work for those moments. Through the harden shell with butter and seasonings. You date that crabby guy, you know what I mean.
TG: hey hey you leave my boy karkat out of this
TG: hes a prickly turd but hes my boy
TT: That's where I find myself lately.
TG: hmm ill have to be the judge of that but if you found your grump
TT: Please. Can we change the subject.
TG: he must be special
TG: fine fine! what are the other eggs looking like?
TT: Dog ears and a tail.
TG: are you kicking it with jade? i havent seen her in a while
TT: No.
TT: But I met her kid.
TG:...
TG: im gonna hurl
TG: her hwhat?
TT: She has a dog girl for a daughter. At first I thought she was yours.
TG: no
TG: no no we never
TG: her fuckin kid...
TG: meanwhile shes been living part time on my couch
TG: what?
TG: wait wheres her pup at now?
TT: She's sitting on my couch.
TG: WHAT?
TT: Well, I found her wandering around at night late one night and I couldn't just leave her there. My next death would be Just.
TG: AH?
TG: AHAH JADE?? come collect your kid??
TT: Except I think her kid is avoiding her. Ran away from boarding school. I found emancipation papers in her bag. Dunno where to exactly, you know. "Dump her off" as it were.
TG: id emancipate too
TT: To be fair, she says her mom is overtly doting and tries when she's around. I've been trying to get her to talk to her mom since I don't know who the dad... Is...
TT: Hold on.
TG: take your time
TT: I'm connecting some dots right now.
TG: uhuh??
TT: She's got two moms.
TG:
TG: wait-
TG: who?
TG: OH
TG: oh dude this is mess
TT: Oh, dude. This is so fucked. I have one upmanship leverage right now but it just ruined my entire train of thought. Hold on.
TT:
TT: But yeah, it'd be hypothetically better for her to... Be or live somewhere with her mom- with Jade. Whatever is most stable.
TG: dude... what about this kids life is stable?
TT: Right. That's what I'm trying to figure out. She can't stay here. I'm not cut out for all of that.
TT: I have all kinds of weaponry and robots and paraphernalia to stock out of the viewing of a teenager's eyes.
TG: okay so shes a teenager
TT: Yeah, like fifteen.
TG: thats a hell of an age
TT: I'm coming to learn what the phrase "Hell is a teenage girl" really means.
TG: oh how i miss those days of good for her films
TT: Right. So I have this teenager sleeping in my apartment. I try to give her space and privacy.
TG: i mean it's a loft
TT: Yeah, I sleep at my workshop most nights. This is the first time since the first night she got here.
TG: and... she hasnt dipped out yet?
TT: No, she's been staying on my couch. I lock my room up from any snooping, I've got an eye for an online school to enroll her in next week. I take her out for walks and we talk about whatever.
TG: aw walkies
TT: I don't know what she likes besides soccer and metal and punk. She came with a lot of Jade's pins.
TG: whats the kids name?
TT: Okay so, that's a doozy. She let's me call her Yiffy for short from time to time, but for a while she was against it and told me to call her Ruby.
TG: yiffy...
TT: Yiffany Longstocking.
TG:
TG: id call child protective services but something tells me youre at least the second best hands to be in at the moment
TT: Second best is not a bad place to be.
TG: yiffy... wtf bro...
TT: That's mostly where we're at with this. I might consider a bigger living space and getting her transferred into a school where she can interact with kids her age. I'll get her a note that says her hat is permitted if she's not wanting to show off dog ears.
TT: Eventually I want to tell Jade, but this kid is adamant about not letting her know where she is.
TG: in this specific case probably dont... tell jade yet
TG: not for a minute even though it feels like lying or hiding her kid from her
TT: Because it is.
TT: maybe dont make your kids name literally furry fuck long socks
TG: sounds like child abuse
TG: but...
TG: you have a solid plan for her
TG: even if its temporary you should do it
TG: you sound like the best thing right now and she hasnt tried running off?
TT: Not really, no.
TG: yeah id say go with it until its time to send her off if not like...
TT: She's trying to get those papers signed and filed.
TG: yeah a minor that young doesnt know what it really means to be on their own and all the dependency required to make her foundation of life okay going into adulthood
TG: ironically rose told me what rights a kid would lose out on being out on their own
TG: exhibit A homeless
TT: I'm picking up what you're laying down.
TT: I think.
TG: i get the impression that its occurred to you already what could be an option
TG: im just saying it wouldnt hurt to back it up
TT: I'm not equipped to raise a kid, Dave.
TG: maybe not in some other timeline but this one its panning out to look a little different
TG: get her some therapy to talk out what you dunno how to deal with?
TT: Probably not a bad effort if she's willing. I can talk it over with her.
TG: yeah i think thats enough
TG: you have a plan just let it run its course
TT: I'll keep it in mind, I'm not racing towards adoption yet. She's not my responsibility to decide that for her yet.
TG: yet
TT: We'll see how this all goes. I'm just going to set something up where she has stability and she can have a connection with Jade so she can go live with someone better.
TG: yeah not to like
TG: spit shade on my girl jade but if she were "someone better" to raise the kid then she would have made the plans youre making
TG: yknow?
TT: That's.
TT: Not my issue.
TG: okay ill back off for now
TG: does... your guy know about yiffy? ruby?
TT: Somewhat. They interacted once, by accident.
TG: oh
TG: is he good around teenagers?
TT: For being a prick, they kind of go tat for tat in a way that works. She finds him ridiculous, funny might not be the right word.
TG: so... step dad material?
TT: I should wedgie you, dweeb.
TG: im kidding haha thats not your style anyway none of this is
TG: i could never see you playing house
TT: I feel like I'm in an alternate dimension and there's a jarring laugh track playing at my expense. It's my psychological horror.
TG: thats a bit dramatic dont you think?
TT: No.
TG: aright then
TG: seriously though i gotta ask now that theres a kid involved my niece or whatever
TG: that tangle is gonna fuck with my head
TT: Trust me, you don't want to think much about it.
TG: dirrrk
TT: Dave.
TG: the name
TT: Ah. There's no escape, is there?
TG: nope not really
TT: Don't flip out.
TG: not reassuring
TT: Because it's not initially.
TG: youre already freaking me out whos like
TG: around this kid
TT: It's not everyday.
TG: dirk
TT: It's Caliborn.
TG: huh
TG: like
TG: caliborn
TT: Yes.
TG: like
TG: callies brother...
TT: That'd be the one.
TG: as in
TG: The Guy
TG: The Bad Guy
TG: the dude that
TG: tormented and killed all of us endlessly
TG: the one we had to go toe to toe with
TG: the guy that took your splinters and all your worst parts and the guy that indirectly had me behead you and ate one of mes heads?
TG: that guy
TT: You're going to hate me for saying this, but you're taking this pretty personal.
TG: yeah youre right thats a shit response dirk wtf
TT: Look, I knew him before all that.
TT: Intermittently we would talk. I used to draw him stupid fluff that he considered porn and drafted his first leg. Albeit, I didn't know he was going to go off and have someone off his sibling.
TG: oh! all is fucking forgiven! i take it back man
TG: go frolic with the dude you gave a new murder leg and draw his fluffy aftercare porn and play house together
TG: how at all is he comparable to karkat?
TT: Uh. Red blooded, loud, short, ornery, and cuddly.
TG: you CUDDLE that little fucker?
TT: He treats me like a heating rock and takes naps after a sugar rush.
TG: sugar coating his bullshit for me isnt going to make it go down easier dont make it sound cute right now im not there yet
TT: You asked.
TG: the point is that he isnt hes bad dirk
TT: I know. He called my friends fat and slut shamed them.
TG: dirk are you okay in the head?
TT: Is that a trick question? No. Obviously not, that's why this kid shouldn't be living with me. If I left them both in the same apartment, it'd be child endangerment.
TG: where the fuck is he now?
Dirk: My... Workshop. Probably.

All right, it wasn't fair that you were lying to him now, but there wasn't any immediate threat and neither of them have posed any threat to each other. It's not like you could control their first encounter, to be fair, you thought he knew that you were at your workshop and would follow you there rather than ditching off to go hunting and skin dead animals in front of your niece... granddaughter.
God, you hate ectobiology.

TG: YOU DONT KNOW???
TT: I'm not his keeper.
TG: how did he even get here?
TT:
TG: you let him in
TT: I let him in.
TG: so yes dirk you are his keeper
TT: Okay, well. We got terms and conditions.
TG: man no one reads those
TT: He does. He loves rules. It's like a game.
TG: oh so this is a game cool got it
TG: are we all gonna die because you want to domesticate a wild fucking cosmic cockhead
TT: No. On several levels.
TG: illuminate me on whats going on inside your head
TG: please
TT: I was bored and everyone had their own thing going on. Jake is too flippant for my liking to keep going on relationship breaks. We're fine as friends, it was either let him in another time or I lose my mind and run far away from here.
TT: I might have.
TT: Missed his company?

You feel like going up to the roof, which sounds like a good idea right now, it's too stuffy and quiet for your buzzing mind.

TG: dude
TG: caliborns.....company?
TG: get a fucking lizard
TG: or some other reptile thats not directly a consort pet
TT: Somehow a consort pet sounds unethical.
TG: now youre avoiding shit
TT: You seem upset.
TG: you
TG: MMMM
TG: okay look im not mad at you
TG: it makes a few things make more sense
TG: i dont like when you hide big shit like this from me
TG: it makes it seem like times youve dipped out means you went off to go hang out with him
TG: instead of us or literally anyone
TT: Including you.
TG: i mean yeah were bros man
TG: id think that youd at least tell me
TT:
TG: and dont say you told me now i know youre typing it
TT: I was planning on it eventually. The dude pulls Time tricks instead of doing actual chores and menial tasks.
TG: i mean same
TG: sometimes it depends
TG: but ive been feeling a disturbance in the force

You seat yourself on the edge of the roof looking at the horizon and glancing at the red text. IT was too dark now, but the light hit nicely out here that was a nice contrast from the ocean's horizon you still were growing distant from time to time. Some moments like these, you wish you had some kind of habit formed. Maybe you'd steal the kid's cigarettes but you promised her you wouldn't go through her stuff again. What little bit of privacy was allotted to her.

You needed a bigger apartment.
Wait, are you thinking of this in the long term?
What does that even look like?

TT: I'm still trying to figure out what to do with Ruby, Yiffy.
TG: yeah
TG: she cant stay there if hes there or around

You think of how they interacted before. When you had no idea, sitting beside each other when you walked in, drawing out what came to their minds, and watching movies. Occasionally roughhousing, you had to admit that it was endearing watching Caliborn be surprisingly gentle with her. Ruby's crumpled ideas that she refused to share. Caliborn muttering about how they looked fine to him, which was actually high praise. Especially considering he didn't fillet her on sight or torment her. She didn't even seem all that bothered by him like when he started bullying everyone else. All the women in your lives. They got along... maybe too well.

What if in the long term, they end up like serial killers? You can't unleash that on the world. What if she refuses to go to school? If she runs away again. You can't control these things, but you can hope that she at least is safe somewhere. That's the point.

You lift up into the air for a few moments before you turn your head.

RUBY: Oh, you're still up.
DIRK: Yeah, I needed fresh air. I was talking to Dave.
RUBY: Hmm, yeah. About me, huh.

It wasn't a question.

RUBY: I know when assholes are trying to figure out what to do with me or hide me away somewhere.

It had been a long time since that weird tug in your chest pulled at you. She didn't sound sad like a child displaced should be. It was fact, it was indignation.

RUBY: I've heard it forever.
DIRK: What do you want to do?
RUBY: I don't want any fucking adult telling me what to do.
DIRK: Understandable, I'd almost let you do anything you wanted, but I still have to tell you when you're being a dumb kid. You're not, but... when we were kids, we always did dumb shit. None of us had anything but dead adults.
RUBY: Live ones aren't much better.
DIRK: Not really, not wrong. Can't really say that any of us are all that living anyway.
DIRK: If you stick around though, you got three years until you're an adult.
RUBY: I have a few months until I can emancipate from my mom.
DIRK: Yeah, but you already thought that out. Want to run it by me?
RUBY: No.
DIRK: There's no winning as a kid.
RUBY: Nope.
DIRK: Any other ideas?
RUBY: I'm not staying here.
DIRK: You don't even get your own room. Sleeping on a couch is going to suck. You barely have a change of clothes, but at least there's a washer and a shower here. You just saw a shit ton of food get mutilated the other day. It's not bad meat.
RUBY: You suck at cooking it.
DIRK: Just tell me the real reason why you refuse to stay then.

She laughs and it reminds you of...

TG: you still there?
TG: i dont mean to be a dick
TT: Be right back, talking to the kid.
TG: good luck
-- timeausTestified [TT] has gone idle. --

RUBY: Sure, that's a reason why.
DIRK: I've gotten better.
RUBY: I pity whoever had to eat your food before.
DIRK: My poor heart.
RUBY: It'll manage.
DIRK: It always does.
RUBY: ...
RUBY: Why should I stay?
DIRK: You want an elevator pitch?
RUBY: Whatever, what are my options? It's either bum on your couch, go to my mom? Get shackled on some leash by Jane, or runaway again. I can't go to Rose.
DIRK: I can get a new pad, what's one more room?
RUBY: Yeah, but.
RUBY: How do you know I will stick around?
DIRK: I don't but at least tell me where you're going. You don't need to be huffing off a vape cart or a cancer stick and chugging sweet taurine.
RUBY: Speaking of which...

She offers you her vape after puffing on it. You look at it, curious enough to try it, and...

DIRK: No thanks.
RUBY: Dork.
DIRK: Mhn, gotta be a good role model.
RUBY: First time for everything, huh? Is that why you want to take me in?

That strikes a chord in your chest again, reminding you how much she looks like Dave.

DIRK: I'm not letting you-
RUBY: Sleep on the street, I get it. I'll get by.
DIRK: Don't you want somewhere that you can actually learn to live and feel-
RUBY: What? Normal? I'll never get that, Dick. I have a fucking tail and dog ears. I never had the option.
DIRK: I was going to say... Wanted?

She falls silent, standing up.

DIRK: Where are you going?

She shakes her head. You stand with her.

RUBY: No. dont fucking follow me.
DIRK: I just don't know what's on your mind. What are you...
RUBY: I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
DIRK: Okay.

There's silence between the two of you and she's not looking at you before she goes for the stairs, descending downward.

DIRK: Just know that I'm here for you whenever.
RUBY: ...you dont even know me...

God, were you this broody as a teenager? Don't answer that. She's gone and you wait a few minutes to go back down the stairs with her. By then, she's already gone, a part of you panics, but then you notice the bag. A sigh of relief. Wherever she is, she'll be back.

CALIBORN: WHY IS THERE COMMOTION?
DIRK: Oh hey, was she loud leaving?
CALIBORN: THE CHILD SLAMMED THE DOOR.
DIRK: I asked her what she wanted out of living together if she's gonna stick around.
CALIBORN: SHE'S STICKING AROUND. NO? SHE'S FUN. DON'T SCARE HER OFF WITH TOO MANY QUESTIONS. YOUR CEASELESS FUCKING QUESTIONS. MAN. IT'S ONLY BEEN A FEW DAYS. SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS OTHER THAN TO AVOID WHAT SHE ALREADY DEALT WITH.
DIRK: I'm not trying to give her that.
CALIBORN: SHE DOESN'T KNOW THAT. ALSO. YOU HUMANS LIKE TO RAGE AGAINST THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU KNOW. AND STILL END UP RAGINF AGAINST WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO HAVE ANYWAY. WHAT IF SOMEHOW.

Caliborn chortles tiredly to himself.

CALIBORN: WHAT IF YOU'RE *TOO* STABLE?
DIRK: Haha. That's not going to happen. Especially with you here.
CALIBORN: SHE LIKES ME. I'M THE FUN ONE.
DIRK: What? You're the fun parent now? Is that what we're doing here? Playing House?
CALIBORN: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS HAS TO DO WITH THE SHOW WHERE THAT SMUG CHUCKLEFUCK COMMITS MALPRACTICE.
Dirk: I hate you.
CALIBORN: I DON'T KNOW THE GAME OF HOUSE! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT YOUR BULLSHIT HUMAN GAMES ARE. YOU LIVE IN AN APARTMENT. WE MAKE FOOD FOR EACH OTHER. I DON'T KILL *PEOPLE* ON THIS PLANET. WHAT ABOUT THIS IS NOT A GAME FOR US ALREADY? OR AT THE VERY LEAST. BY YOUR DEFINITION. A JOKE?

You sigh.

DIRK: Now I don't want to talk about this. I never wanted any of this.
CALIBORN: WHICH PART OF *ANY*? WE BOTH AGREED TO THIS.
DIRK: I was never cut out to be a parent or a guardian.

Caliborn makes a face at you.

CALIBORN: OH. THAT AGAIN. WELL. SHE'S NOT A SMALL CHILD. THOUGH SHE IS STILL A CHILD. YOU ARE MERELY PROVIDING HER RESOURCES AND ENTERTAINMENT. IT'S. NATURAL FOR HUMANS TO FOSTER THAT FOR THEIR YOUNG. WHATEVER THE FUCK ANY OF THAT IS SUPPOSED TO ENTAIL. I HAVE NO IDEA. ALL OF YOUR HUMAN NEEDINESS IS FOREIGN TO ME STILL. INTRIGUING BUT WEIRD...
DIRK: I can't provide the emotional part of that duty. Not in a way that is healthy for a kid.
CALIBORN: SHE'S. A STRANGE HUMAN CHILD. LIKE YOU ARE WEIRD. BUT SHE'S BUILT A BIT DIFFERENTLY. THEN MOST THOSE SOFT-BELLIED BRATS OUT THERE. YOU VERY WELL HAVE SOME EMOTIONAL APPEAL THERE. AS YOU ARE AN EMTIONAL LITTLE TWAT. SO LONG AS YOU DON'T GET ALL BITCHY AND MOPEY ABOUT IT.
CALIBORN: YOU TRY TO CARE. WHICH IS SUPPOSED TO BE A GOOD HUMAN TRAIT TO UTILIZE FOR THE TASK. OF CHILD RAISING. YOU DEAL WITH THAT. IF SHE COMES BACK. WE WILL STAGE A WAR ON THE ROOF TO WAVE AWAY YOUR CRYBABY FIT ABOUT WHAT TO DO WITH HER.
DIRK: I'm not throwing a fit.
CALIBORN: I THINK YOUR PERSPECTIVE ON THIS WHOLE THIS IS ALL WRONG. IN FACT. IT *SUCKS*! YOU'RE FEARFUL OF ENDING UP. SOME FAMILIAL FIGURE THAT HAS TO DEAL WITH ALL THOSE RESPONSIBILITIES.
CALIBORN: IT'S TOO EARLY TO SAY. BUT I WANT TO KEEP THE LITTLE BITCH AROUND. SHE IS FUNNY. SO DON'T MESS THIS UP FOR ME. KEEP HER HAPPY AND SHE WILL STAY AND WE CAN DEFINE THE RULES OF THE GAME. OR AN IRONIC BIT THAT THIS SHALL BE.
DIRK: Are you really telling me it's not that deep, bro?
CALIBORN: YES.
DIRK: This is literally her life.
CALIBORN: THEN MAKE IT FUN. KILLJOY.
DIRK: Fine.
CALIBORN: I'M GOING BACK TO BED. DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP ALL NIGHT. WE WILL FORM OUR STRATEGY TO TAKE YOU DOWN. YOU MUST STAY AT YOUR PEAK AND ANTICIPATE OUR ATTACKS. DRINK HER SUGARY MAGICAL POTIONS IF YOU MUST. YOU AREN'T GETTING OUT OF THIS FIGHT ALIVE.

Off the sleepy cherub saunters, his golden prosthetic clinking still a bit busted against the ground as he hobbles like a bearded dragon out to plop into your bed.
Out comes Ruby from the bathroom, seemingly not paying any attention to anything with her earbuds in but she does spare you a look, pulling an earbud from her black, pierced ear.

RUBY: Tomorrow. It's on, old man.
DIRK: All right, game on, brat.

Yeah, Dave is probably going to lose his mind whenever he hears you guys are playing war games tomorrow. You're not going to get much sleep either way tonight.