Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

William’s earliest memory of the red strings was from when he was five. His grandfather had been ill in the hospital and they had been visiting him everyday, watching as he tried to breathe through the tubes, the wires wrapping around like a web he couldn’t escape. He’d carry his favourite stuffed toy every time, wondering when his grandfather would come home and play with them again. He didn’t like the harsh lights here and how he always told to be quiet. 

He remembers one day in particular when he and his dad hadn’t been allowed inside the room. So they’d waited in the corridor for his mom and grandmother for a long time, only for them to come out sobbing. 

Something flickered in his vision then, a red string flaring out brightly from his grandmother’s finger pulsing oddly, before it turned black and broke with a snap. He reached out to wrap his fingers around the broken string, trying to fix it, but his fingers had found his grandmother’s hand instead. 

She held him tightly, hands trembling, tears running silently down her face as his parents went to talk to the nurses. He wiped his grandmother’s tears gently, and offered to share his stuffed toy, trying to console her in the way only five year olds try to do.

He didn’t know what the string was at the time and wouldn’t find out for a few more years. He only knew that it had left a deep ache behind, one that lingered long after they left the hospital. 

Chapter Text

William started going to school and these odd strings became a silent part of his world. He didn’t see them always for which he was grateful. The one time he’d mentioned them to his teacher, she’d frowned and told him not to make up stories. That’s when he realised that he was the only one who could see them, so he kept quiet after that and never said anything more. 

He’d see a flicker at odd times, turn his head and there it would be, something flaring to life in bright gold when two people met for the first time before settling to a vibrant red. William loved these moments and felt the joy of the people reflected in himself, lightening his steps as if their joy was his too. 

In other cases he’d see people argue and see the string connecting them tremble and fray, sometimes turning a dull rust colour, sometimes an ill looking grey. It would make him feel ill himself, as if something of the strain in the bond tugged at him too. 

But the worst had been at a cafe. It had been a rainy afternoon and he’d gone in with his mother who had to meet a friend. He felt bored and restless inside, like the storm outside had followed him in. And then he’d seen them. A couple sitting quietly talking to each other, each word coming slower and slower till the table was covered in silence.

The woman waited for a few long moments, before she got up and left and the bond between them, a grey string that was already stretched thin, snapped with a hollow sound. The broken pieces of the string left on their fingers turned pitch black and he watched as pain etched on their faces and settled into their hearts, one that wouldn’t ever fully heal.

Something sharp and painful lodged in his chest then. William put his hands on his ribs, pressing as if he could make the ache go away, but it lingered with a shuddering intensity. He understood then, these bonds were precious and fragile, too fragile to be treated this way. He promised himself then that he would walk away before he ever had to see another bond break.

By the time he was twelve, William figured out a pattern. The strings only showed up at turning points - when they were made, when they were strained, when they were strengthened and when they broke. 

And realisation soon followed. It wasn’t random. The people bound by them drifted towards each other, spending time together as if drawn in by an invisible gravity. The strings marked something deeper than just friends or family, something rare.  And one day he found the right word - soulmates. 

Chapter Text

William is on vacation when it happens. They’ve travelled overseas that year for summer vacation and William is in a city that is both strange and familiar. It is hot and crowded and people press against him in the streets, voices speaking a language he doesn’t fully understand.

He’s spent the last few days visiting one tourist spot after the other. He’s tried out new foods in markets filled with smoke and spice and taken countless photos with his family. Now, the novelty of the city has worn off, the heat exhausts him and he can’t wait to be back home with his friends. 

His grandmother has booked tickets for a traditional theatre performance that evening but William is so tired that by the time he takes his seat in an old playhouse, he’s not really paying attention to things. Lights dim and soaring music fills the room and an old man stumbles on the stage with a book and a spool of red thread - the same colour as the bonds he sees. William finds himself sitting up without realising it, attention now fully on the stage. 

The story unfolds slowly. A man asking the old man who he will marry. The old man points to a poor girl walking on the street. The man angered, orders her to be murdered. But fate unfolds as it always does and the girl is saved. A few twists and turns and years later they find themselves married. The performance ends with the man and woman bound together by the red string, each end looped around their ankles. 

“The red thread of fate”, the narrator adds from the shadows, “unbroken by time or distance, weaves two hearts as one. They are destined to find each other, in this life, the next and every other. Bound together forever as soulmates.”

The audience claps and music begins to wind down, but William is left frozen in his seat. It isn’t quite the same, the threads he sees are tied around fingers, not ankles and they do break sometimes, but it matched what he sees closely enough. He finally knew that what he sees, isn’t all his imagination or a vivid hallucination. 

“Soulmates...” he repeats the word, savouring the feel and taste of it. He’s heard the word before of course. But this time it feels strange and thrilling, as if the word has just been waiting for him to re-discover it like this.

He leans back in his seat, eyes fixed on the empty stage. The play has ended, and he finally has some answers, but there is so much more he still needed to know. 

Chapter Text

William comes back home and gets obsessed. He scours the Internet for any mention of the red strings of fate. Of course there are hundreds of links but most of them refer to the myths. They are references to stories, dramatic TV shows or anime. Nothing real, nothing like what he sees. He feels frustrated, surely he can’t be the only one to see them. Why would there even be a myth if there wasn’t a seed of truth to it all. 

It takes him weeks, but then he finds it. Buried in an ancient forum, ten pages deep, a decade old post from v_boy. The thread starts off discussing the strings being used in a TV show, but v_boy’s reply stops him in his tracks. 

“What bullshit. They never get it right.”

Something about it makes William wonder, so he goes looking for other posts by the same person and he notices something. v_boy writes as if from experience, as if the strings are real for him too. He creates an account and replies to it, not knowing if the writer will ever read it. 

“I can see them too.”

A week later, the reply is in his inbox. 

“Prove it.”

William doesn’t know how he can do that, but he replies anyway, describing what he sees, what he feels. He describes how watching a bond break takes pieces of him away each time and seeing one created fills him with joy for days. He admits he’s always felt strange, half convinced he’s cursed or insane, to see something no one else sees. He confesses how unbearably lonely he feels at times. 

The next day there’s another reply waiting. 

“I didn’t think anyone else could see them. I thought I was alone too.”

And so it begins. Trading words over the internet void, a cautious friendship blooms over the next few months. At first they talk only about the threads, discussing theories on why they can see them when no one else can, on what they saw this time around. Then slowly it morphs into something more. 

They never give identifying information away, but William finds himself talking about his friends, his school, the things he’s reading and the songs he’s listening to. Asking for advice when the world feels more confusing. Even though v_boy is clearly much older, for the first time he’s found a friend who he can fully be himself with.

One evening he asks curiously, “Do you think everyone has a thread? Do you think we have a soulmate waiting for us as well?”

He waits for a reply, but the minutes stretch, as if v_boy is carefully thinking through what he should say. 

“Some things are better left alone, kid.”

William is left confused. He knows there’s something v_boy is not telling him. And as he’s trying to understand the missing piece, it happens. 

It’s a lazy Sunday afternoon and his parents are away. He’s lying on the floor in front of the TV half-heartedly doing his homework. The TV, tuned to some sports channel, is a rush of white noise in the background when he suddenly feels a lick of heat crawl up his spine. Startled, he sits up, eyes drawn to the TV. 

On it, a swimming competition is in progress - the swimmers cutting through the water at a speed he can’t comprehend, their bodies a blur beneath the water. At the end of the lap, a boy surges ahead, raising his arm in victory. 

The camera focuses on him and William’s entire body jolts as if in recognition, every nerve igniting, mind filling with inexplicable joy. His vision floods with the memory of every single string that he’s ever seen, and then a new one surges out, brighter than any before, one end reaching out to the boy on the screen, the other spooling around his finger. He cries out in pain at the force of the bond and loses consciousness. 

He wakes up later. His parents aren’t back yet but he’s unsure how much time has passed, the TV now playing a tennis match instead. He takes stock of his aching body before getting up. 

He feels changed, like he’s connected to something more than just himself. When he looks at his hands, his red string slowly becomes visible tied to his little finger. It stretches into the air, pulsing in tune with someone else’s heartbeat, tugging at him gently as if asking him to follow. He imagines what it would be like if he did, if he found the boy and stayed by his side. 

William is elated and he wonders if a part of him has been waiting his whole life for this moment. He rushes to his computer and tells his friend, 

“I think I found my soulmate. He exists.”

The reply comes back immediately. 

“Stay far away from him, kid. Don’t try to see or meet him. Trust me, you don’t want this.”

William stares at the ominous reply, heart hammering, questions spinning in his head. He types back with shaky hands, “Why? What do you mean by that? You’ve met your soulmate haven’t you? Tell me what’s going to happen.”

He waits impatiently, refreshing the screen. Minutes pass, then hours. He sends another message pleading for answers, but no reply ever comes again. 

Chapter Text

Even though he doesn’t get a reply, he tries to follow his friend's suggestion and stay away, he really does. He keeps his head down, focuses on school, on taekwondo, on anything other than the boy on the screen. He tries to convince himself that the thread tied to his finger doesn’t exist. But the thread won’t let him. 

It tugs at the back of his mind, pulsing every now and then as if to say ‘I’m here. Follow me. Find him.’

And one day he gives in. He goes looking for swimming competitions that were televised that Sunday, digs through the results, and looks up all the winners. One name stands out. 

Est Supha Sangaworawong

After that William can’t stop himself. He finds himself searching for news on the swimmer - chasing interviews in obscure sports magazines and race results in the newspapers. He keeps track of all the major swim competitions hoping to get a glimpse of him again. He follows him on his social media where Est remains elusive, posting the occasional travel and training photos, but little else.  

He begins to notice the small details, the way Est always tugs at his cap before stepping onto the start mark, the way he smiles when a race goes well, the stoicism that never quite hides the slump of his shoulders when he loses. 

He watches from afar, celebrating his wins as if they were his own, aching when Est falters. A strange intimacy grows from these quiet hours bent over glowing screens, the bond growing stronger with each new thing he learns. 

And then one day, the world stutters to a halt. A pandemic shuts sports centers, cancels competitions, grounds planes. The short brief glimpses he has of Est disappear overnight. He still scans feeds, newspapers, social media but there’s nothing.

The absence gnaws at his soul and he begins to feel desperate. He hadn’t realised how much Est has come to mean to him. Desperation overcomes his caution and he reaches out through an anonymous account.

“Hi. This is going to sound crazy but we're connected. You are my soulmate.”

He sends it to every account he can find, heart pounding. He knows how it sounds. Hours later, against all odds, there is a reply.

“Sure. Soulmates. What’s next? Mythical fairies? Try scamming someone who actually believes in this next time. Stay away from me.”

William feels ill at the response, chest tightening in pain. He reads the message again and again, hoping the words will change, hoping he can explain. He tries to reply but he’s already been blocked.

He feels it then. The string that has pulsed and hummed since the day he first saw Est flares once and dims. The colour of his string slowly turns from its usual vibrant red to a dull grey, as though dying.

“No, no, no”, William’s voice cracks as he tugs at it futilely, trying to save it, trying to bring the colour back, but it remains grey and lifeless, void of warmth, void of joy.

William curls into his bed as pain rips through him, each breath ragged and uneven. He clutches at his chest, waiting for it to ease. His body trembles, shivering as a cold spreads through him, sinking deep into his bones. He feels crushed, as if the rejection has seeped into every inch of him. 

Eventually the pain stops but the bond remains lifeless and empty. His mind is silent, yet heavy with the hollow echoes that remain.

For the first time he wonders if his friend was right, if soulmates aren’t a gift but a curse. 

Chapter Text

William told himself it was okay if Est had rejected him. Plenty of people had grey or black strings and continued with their lives; their only problem - a memory in their head, an echo of pain in their hearts. So he tried, really tried, to move on from Est.

For the first time in months he looked around him wondering if he could feel something for someone else in his orbit. A pretty girl with braids caught his eye and he awkwardly tried to flirt with her. He’d message her, often multiple times a day in the hope that they could start something new, something that could make him happy again.

The few scattered replies he got made him think maybe there was something there, but one day he saw her soulmate bond with another classmate flare into view. He felt the tiny spark of hope crumple, the sting of it worse than heartbreak itself. 

He realised then that it was much easier for people who didn’t see the strings. They didn’t know why they felt the weight they carried or that it could be eased by their soulmate’s presence. They didn’t feel guilty for intruding into someone else’s happiness and didn’t question if their search for a light in a dark world was casting shadows over another. No matter how much he tried, some things just couldn’t be forced. 

After that the bond wouldn’t let him pull away anymore so he went back to following Est from a distance. What once whispered joyously now left his teeth aching each time Est shone bright. When Est started acting in shows, he devoured everything connected to it - clips on social media, interviews, BTS content. Each glimpse was both a balm and a blade. And when Est kissed another boy on screen, the string pulled so taut that William thought it might break him permanently.

Still he couldn’t stop. He saved interviews, replayed ads that Est was in, and joined his fan club. When competitions restarted and Est won a medal, the bond cried out in loneliness, at the reminder that Est had rejected him. And yet William still watched him, filing away every memory, cheering every success, as only a fool in love could. 

It was in this void of guilt and despair that he discovered music. William threw himself into it with frightening intensity. Each note was a lifeline, a beacon against the storm of the grey string. He spent hours practising the chords until his fingers bled, singing till his voice cracked. 

One afternoon, a classmate heard him in the music room and asked if he wanted to play in a band with him. He agreed reluctantly and they began practising, often messy and off key, but he still found himself having fun and smiling. Slowly they began to improve. They started playing at street shows and local events, slowly gathering a small dedicated fan base that reappeared at each show, phones in the air, recording every performance. 

Music was his only solace, the only peace, with the high from the audience applause chasing away his grief for a moment so he could breathe unburdened. He used all his pain and frustration to better every performance, no longer a cry against fate but a lifeline.  

And then he got an invite. A woman stepped forward after a performance and gave him her card. GMMTV was conducting a music survival show with the winners promised a spot in a band and William was asked to audition. At first he hesitated, wondering if he was good enough. But the others took the card for him and pushed him to say yes. As he did, the quiet part of him that still longed for Est’s attention wondered. If Est saw him on national television, would some small quiet part of him recognise William too?

He performed nervously the first time but the judges saw through it to the potential underneath. He was placed in the top performers and became a quick fan favourite, his performances getting rave reviews week after week. He even made friends with his fellow contestants, all of them as devoted to music as him. 

And then came the challenge, a solo round. He wrestled with the choice before deciding on one that spoke to him. When he took to the stage, he closed his eyes for a long moment. He thought of Est, of his pain and hurt, the irrational hope that still lingered, the desperate wish to be free. And then he sang. 

Can you please just fade away, away?
So this pain can stay away, always?
My heart is a little slow
You're unforgettable,
I can't let go
Can you please just fade away, away?
So this pain can stay away, always?
Not crying but my eyes both have not been dry for days
Without you I'll never be okay

He poured all of himself into the performance, the lyrics desperately echoing what he felt, every line a confession that he would never get to make. By the time he reached the last note the hall was silent, holding its breath. The lights lifted to many in the audience and even a judge wiping away tears. 

The night marked a turning point, he was no longer just another contestant but someone clearly destined for more. And for the first time, he dared to imagine that maybe music could carry him somewhere the bond never had.

Chapter Text

Winning the title of King of Alpha felt like a dream. William had finally been seen for his talent. They had some downtime after the competition and they spent it trying to get to know each other more while waiting for the next steps - a band name and songs to make. Eventually one was selected - LYKN, to match the competition theme they had, and the work on their first single began in earnest. 

The training rooms became a second home where they spent countless hours singing, practising choreography, pushing themselves past the point of collapse. They were bound by the shared dream of making it big, of showing the world what they have, of proving they weren’t yet another temporary project that would fizzle out in a year but a band worth remembering.

Though the bond thrummed distantly in the background - sharper some days than others, a constant reminder that Est was out there - in LYKN, William found an oasis. Nut indulged all of them like an older brother, and made sure they didn’t forget to eat and rest amidst the daily chaos. Hong was usually quiet but was always there when someone felt down, a quiet word here, a hand on the shoulder there. 

Tui was the opposite, a social butterfly  who knew everything and everyone and gossiped like a nosy auntie. He kept things light, relaying stories from other trainees and actors. And then there was Lego. Closest in age to William, he burned bright and chaotic, pulling pranks and cracking jokes. Together, they filled out empty spaces in William’s life, with noise and chaos and a stubborn kind of hope. 

Their first single was released soon after, and trended modestly and work began quickly on the second one, the company eager to capitalise on their popularity from the survival show.  They started performing at events, no longer the streets and small festivals but larger events and music showcases, with their manager, sound producers and stylists fretting over getting everything just right. 

The audience grew larger with each one, fan chants louder, the love from them wrapping like a shield around him, softening the ache of his soul bond. While performing he tried his best to be the happy, bright, goofy kid they expected to see. They had chosen him, cheered for him and deserved his full effort and love in turn. 

But away from the glitz and glamour of the stage, the silence still took a hold of him and that was when he had Lego. Lego, who pulled him into conversations and out of the quiet spells with a quick joke, Lego who pushed food and drink into his hand when he forgot to eat, Lego who lingered in the rehearsal rooms when William tried to chase his demons away by exhausting himself, Lego who had a black string.  

He’d noticed it during a particularly brutal training session, a dark shadow looped across Lego’s fingers, heavy and final and William’s heart had ached in remembered sorrow. At first, he was wary of letting anyone in too much after being burned by his friendship with v_boy. But bit by bit William’s walls cracked and he found himself looking forward to Lego’s company. Lego never pressed or prodded but just stayed by his side steady and unshaken. He was a solid presence which William found comforting on the days when the bond took more out of him. 

The realisation that Lego had a broken bond, made William softer towards Lego. Black bonds were rarer, final and beyond repair. William never asked what or when or why. He just tried to be there for Lego, just as Lego was there for him. He stayed by his side quietly on the days when Lego’s smiles didn’t come easy, when the slump of his shoulders lingered longer, when his jokes were sharper.

They found themselves paired together more and more often and fans began to notice their closeness. They clipped moments - William with an arm over Lego’s shoulder during an interview, two of them laughing over some inside joke while the others looked confused, Lego pushing William in the correct direction when he made a mistake - and started shipping them together. But William knew what it really was, not romance, not fate. Just two boys bound by a shared pain that one of them couldn’t see.  

The company building that had been a second home, became a battleground the day William heard that Est had signed with the same parent company. Est was also assigned the same manager. He started dreading going in, afraid that he’d run into Est, afraid of how the bond would react if they did. 

So William kept his head down, and tried to avoid Est as much as possible. He looked through the schedules his manager printed for them, and memorised Est’s. If Est was in a workshop he’d stay in the music rehearsal room, if Est was in the cafe, he’d make excuses to eat elsewhere. Lego watched his behaviour in concern but said nothing, choosing to stay by him while letting him work out his feelings on his own. 

One evening as he was slipping out of the cafeteria in another attempt to avoid Est, a staff member stopped him. “The CEO wants to see you right now.” William blinked, caught off guard. Had he done something wrong? Overstepped somehow? Or had he forgotten something important in his constant attempts to escape Est.

He rushed to the CEO’s office and knocked, trying to calm his racing heart. He was asked to enter and he stepped into a large office, brilliantly lit by the light from the large windows, the walls full of shelves of awards won by the company. The CEO was accompanied by another woman and they invited him to take a seat. 

“William” the CEO began speaking smoothly, “your band is doing well and we’ve been watching you closely. We think you have potential beyond singing. There’s an acting project that has been waiting for the right cast for five years and P’Mui and I think that LYKN is the right fit for it.” 

The woman next to him smiled and shook her head in agreement. William swallowed hard, unsure what to say. Acting and him? The thought excited him for a brief moment, a new challenge, a chance to grow but then he was brought back down to earth at the thought of running into Est. Months worth of effort could be undone by one single moment. 

And yet he thought of LYKN, his band mates, the countless hours spent in practice, the trust they had endowed on him. Could he really say no and refuse such a big project for them? No. He couldn’t let the bond affect the future of the band. 

The CEO seemed to sense his hesitation. “We can start small,” he added, pushing a folder towards him, “a small acting project to accompany your next song and music video. Think of it as practice for the bigger project ahead. That way you can learn how this works. And of course you’ll have coaching and training. We’re not throwing you in the deep end William. We want this to work, for you and for LYKN.”

William blinked in surprise, clinging to the respite offered. A small project meant fewer people, shorter schedules, and hopefully a chance to still avoid Est. He could do this, he had to do this. LYKN was counting on him. 

And yet, as he picked up the folder, agreed and smiled and said all the right things they expected him to, the bond thrummed uneasily in his chest. No matter how careful he was, no matter how far he tried to stay away, he knew the bond would never let him escape. Not now, not ever.

Chapter Text

Two weeks later, William found himself stepping into a small studio bustling with movement. The company had moved quickly and cast the rest of the LYKN boys in the other roles and even invited a famous actress to play the female lead. Clearly they had high hopes for the project.

The project itself was a short twenty minute drama about a boy ghost in love with a girl ghost with memory loss, who seemed to recognise another as the one she loved. The plot was simple but bittersweet, one that lingered long after it ended. There wasn’t much to it in terms of dialogue, most of the emotion had to be delivered via expressions and gestures as they’d use the footage for the music video as well. 

It was a challenging project, but from the first scene, William fell into it as if he was born for it. The movements felt effortless and the subtle expressions that lent weight to his performance - a longing glance at his co-star, a reassuring smile - came without thought. The director seemed startled before praising him for his performance and even his co-star admitted she was surprised by him. 

By the time they wrapped up the shoot and said goodbye to the crew, William realised that he hadn’t just gotten through it, he’d thrived. Scenes with him in it had fewer retakes, lines came easy and his bandmates teased him as LYKN’s resident actor. Beneath all the praise and laughter was happiness. He had found himself genuinely enjoying the process, and felt he’d found another thing that felt as vital as music. He had survived this first battle and felt unstoppable. 

As William watched the final cut of the video about unrequited love, he felt as if the ghost in the story had reached out and claimed William’s pain for its own. He recognised the shape of his grief in the boy but it felt both familiar and foreign, leaving him strangely moved, as if the video had captured a part of him he hadn’t known he could share. 

The project was released soon after and it was a hit. Critics who usually dismissed idol-acting described his performance as compelling and authentic. Comments flooded in raving about the tragic but beautiful storyline. Many specifically praised William’s performance and William read through them with disbelief. His performance had been described with words like “heartbreaking” and “raw”. It was disorienting to see strangers react to his pain as if they had lived it themselves. He felt both seen and wholly exposed. 

Encouraged by the response, the company wasted no time in setting him up with the script for the next project, this time a longer drama about an idol group in trouble and the quiet cameraman who changes everything. On the surface, it was clearly designed to promote LYKN but as William read through the script he could see the care and sincerity that had been poured into it. He could feel the pull of the characters and a spark of excitement lit in his chest. 

As the table read approached, he had the strangest sense that he was standing on the edge of a cliff, poised to take a leap into something larger than himself - a story that would both challenge and change him again. 

The conference room was larger than William had expected. Assistants walked around placing water bottles, arranging scripts and name tags on the table. His bandmates entered the room and took their spots at the table, but William remained at the door, heart hammering. He’d seen P Ko’s schedule for Est and knew he’d be here. After years of waiting and rehearsing what he’d say and how he’d act, William was finally about to meet his soulmate. 

He slid into the room, greeted people politely and took his seat, placing his trembling hands on his legs to hide the shaking. Quiet conversations started as the room began to fill up and then William felt his world shift. 

Est stood at the door, hesitating to step in. The bond yanked at him, magnetic and undeniable, drawing his attention to Est. William’s first absurd thought was, He’s much bigger than I expected. All the years watching him through the screen, but Est was even more breathtaking in real life. 

“Ah, Est”, the director said, “Come in kid. Take a seat”. Est moved into the room, eyes briefly drifting across the room as he walked to his assigned seat. For one brief moment, his eyes met Williams and that instant was enough, the bond roared to life in William’s ears. Soulmate, it called out. 

“Let’s start shall we?”. The director's voice cut in over the noise, forcing William to focus. He pushed the feelings from the bond away and started speaking his lines, halting at first before he fell into a natural rhythm with Est. They traded glances, each word carrying a weight beyond what was on the page, each pause pregnant with unspoken emotion. William had read the script, memorised the words and drilled the emotions, but nothing could have prepared him for the reality of being this close to Est. 

The table read ended and the director’s eyes flickered between them with satisfaction. “That was really good.” she said, leaning back in her seat. “Well done everyone.” 

William kept his head bowed. Outside he looked like a picture of calm confidence, inside he was breaking. He gathered his script and stood up trying to get away from it all, but before he could, Est stood in front of him. 

“William, right?” Est asked, a faint smile on his lips. “Good work today.” 

Hearing his name on his soulmate's lips sent a fire racing through his veins. Est had seen him, acknowledged him, praised him. It was scary how that one moment had the power to break him completely

William forced himself to act calmly. “Thank you Phi. I still have a lot to learn.”

Est tilted his head and studied him. “It’s our first project together, right? Maybe we should get a meal together and get to know each other.”

The words were normal, professional and kind, exactly what co-workers might say. But each one cut through William like glass. He laughed nervously. “Maybe another time Phi. My schedule’s a bit full right now.”

Est blinked, taken aback by his tone, “I didn’t mean…”.

William didn't give him a chance to finish. He backed away, mumbling polite goodbyes to the rest of the team, nodding briefly to Lego’s worried look, before slipping out of the room. The bond clamoured at him to go back but he forced himself to walk away.

He rushed down the hall, shoving a fire door open and stepped into the safety of an empty stairwell. The door shut with a clang behind him, leaving him in silence as the cold air soothed his overheated cheeks. William dropped the script, grabbing the bannister with both hands to steady himself. 

Memories and emotions from the bond threatened to overwhelm him. A tear slipped out of his eyes, then another, blurring his vision. His breaths came fast and shallow. 

Est’s face flashed in his mind, with his polite but distant tone. He’d expected cruelty and indifference, was prepared for it even. But he wasn’t sure what to do with Est’s kindness. 

His fingers dug into the cold of the metal, grounding him, until the pain began to ebb. Long minutes passed before he was finally able to pull himself together and breathe normally again. He forced his face into something resembling normality and gathered the scattered pages of the script before leaving the empty stairwell behind. 

“I can do this.” William told himself. “One step after another. I’ve survived before, I can survive this too.”

Chapter Text

Over the next few weeks, William met Est for fittings and script discussions as they prepared to film the pilot trailer, all while keeping his walls firmly up in place. He was polite but kept conversations brief and superficial. He laughed at jokes, nodded when spoken to, but never offered anything real. He didn’t want to hand over more pieces of himself for Est to break. 

At first, Est still greeted him with a smile, still tried to make conversation, but eventually William felt the shift in his behaviour. Est began to greet him with a polite nod instead of his usual smile, his tone careful, hesitant to address William unless absolutely required. To anyone else, Est still seemed the same, but to William the change felt momentous. 

Each moment Est and LYKN spent together began to feel like torture. Est had become close to Hong during the casting process and was friendly with him and the others were also starting to warm up to him. When Est laughed with them, shared meals with them, William’s heart hurt at not being a part of it. He could feel Est slipping away from him with each day of his aloofness.

The bond screamed at him to fix it, to get closer, to not hurt Est with this distance. But William couldn’t make up his mind on what to do. So he hovered at the periphery of Est’s sun, afraid to step closer and be burnt, yet too scared to turn away and live in the dark. He was leaving their music rehearsal room one evening when Lego stopped him, his expression tight. 

“It’s Est’s graduation over the weekend. P’Ko has made plans for us to visit and wish him. Will you be there?”

“Yes. I have to be, I’m his new work partner.”

Lego gave him a long, searching look. “Are you only going out of obligation?”

William flinched, “It’s complicated.”

Lego just sighed before he responded, eyes distant, lost in some memory that he wouldn’t give voice to. “Then uncomplicate it. Before it’s too late.” 

Lego left the room, leaving William alone with the bond burning low and relentless in his chest. He sat down heavily, hands resting on his head. He thought of Est these last few days, no longer the shy, happy boy he’s known through the screens but someone confused and hurt, trying desperately to hide and work through it. 

William knew Lego was right. If he kept running, he would lose Est. He could never have Est as a soulmate, the grey string on his finger was proof of that, but he could be someone Est could relax around and be himself with. He could at least be Est’s friend. 

The thought both calmed and terrified him. It wasn’t enough, not nearly enough and he had no idea how the bond would react if he tried it. But it would have to do for now. 

The afternoon sun was warm as William and the rest of LYKN made their way to the graduation ceremony. He told himself he was here to support and celebrate a friend. Est had worked hard juggling work, swimming and his schooling and was graduating with First Class Honours and William was so proud of him. 

The university courtyard buzzed with students, parents and various well wishes. William scanned the crowd, heart tightening when he spotted Est near the front, taking photos with his parents and chatting happily with his friends and juniors. He looked so dazzling in his white graduation gown that William had to force his eyes away. 

Eventually the group from GMMTV stepped forward and congratulated him, each person stepping forward and giving him a hug. When it was William’s turn, he hesitated before steeling himself and giving Est a short one sided hug. Est seemed surprised for a second but he leaned into it, patting William’s back. William stepped back quickly, eyes directed anywhere but at Est, the heat from Est’s hand still lingering on his back. 

Nut cracked a joke about posing with Est’s degree certificate instead of finishing his degree and laughter broke out in the group. William stayed back as the others arranged themselves around Est for group photos but Lego nudged him forward to hand over the graduation gift from GMMTV. They posed for a few photos before it turned into a selfie session, even William stiffly posing with Est for one. 

Eventually Est stepped away from the group and walked towards where his fans were waiting holding flowers and cards. He smiled and greeted them, posed for pictures, making sure to thank them all individually. When a reporter stepped forward with a mic, Est ducked his head with a shy grin, answering questions about his studies and work. Then came the question that made William freeze. 

“What are your plans for the next chapter of your life and career?”

Est smiled softly. “I think I want a BL partner of my own to work with. I feel jealous when I see my friends with their partners. It’s a little lonely to be honest.” 

The crowd melted at the response and William’s chest constricted at the word lonely. “See,” said the bond “This is what you are dooming him to. Do you not want him to be happy instead?” 

Est answered a few more questions before he came back to the group. “I still have a few more fans to greet, but would you all like to grab dinner together later? My treat, I want to celebrate properly.”

The other members of LYKN heartily agreed and Est nervously glanced at William as if expecting him to refuse. 

“Sure. Where do you want to meet Phi?” William glimpsed the faintest flicker of relief in Est’s eyes before it was wiped away. They made plans to meet at a Thai restaurant later and went their separate ways. 

The cozy restaurant was full of Est’s friends, their managers, actors from the company as well as some Est had worked with before. Laughter and conversations filled the room, but Est seemed a little lost. William watched from his seat across Est as he kept looking at the doorway as if waiting for someone to show up. Halfway through dinner, Daou, Offroad and Joong slipped into the room, greeting Est with hugs and teasing affection. They took their seats next to Est and slipped into an easy conversation. Est looked flushed and happy in their presence and William noticed the bond throb uneasily underneath his skin.

He excused himself to the restroom, splashing cool water on his face, telling himself to get a grip. He opened his bag and took out the box with Est’s present in it. He’d bought a pen for Est, engraved delicately with his initials, as a personal graduation gift. An offering asking for forgiveness and friendship, and a chance to start over.

He stepped out into the dim hallway but the sight in front of him stopped him in his tracks. Est stood near the entrance with Joong’s arm casually draped across his shoulders. Joong had his head bent, whispering something in Est’s ears before he left a quick peck on Est’s cheeks. Est laughed and pushed him away in response before heading back inside, Joong following on his heels. 

The gift dropped from William’s hands with a dull thud that he barely heard. The image of Est smiling in another man’s arms seared into his mind and replayed on a cruel loop - Joong’s hand on Est’s shoulder as if it belonged there, Est’s shy smile at the kiss and easy laughter in Joong’s presence. 

His legs moved automatically, carrying him back to the table. The sounds of the room were muted and distant as if he was walking underwater. He sat at the table, the food in front of him suddenly unappetising. The bond twisted deeper, heavy and painful, every peal of laughter from Est a knife stabbing into his chest. 

He wasn’t sure how he managed the rest of the evening or how he got home. As soon as he was behind the safety of his room door, he collapsed on his bed, bringing up his hand and staring at the grey string tying him to Est like a shackle. It lay there dim and lifeless, as if mocking him for getting his hopes up. 

He imagined how it would feel to break it. No more sleepless nights. No more wondering if Est was thinking of him. No more despair at watching Est smile at someone else. No more agony at his soulmate’s rejection.

He ruffled through his desk and found a pen knife and pressed it lightly against his string. His breath hitched. Would it actually cut through? Would it break something in him he couldn’t get back? The desperation almost drowned out every worry and he pressed harder. He just wanted it gone. 

At the last moment when it seemed the bond would break, he stopped, unable to go through with it. He dropped the knife, a strangled sob tearing through him. His body shook, though he couldn’t tell if it was in agony or relief. His breaths came fast and shallow and he desperately tried to calm his racing heartbeat. Even in this pit of anguish, he couldn’t bring himself to sever the bond or hate the person it tied him to.

Chapter Text

William woke up the next morning after a rough night. He’d spent most of it tossing and turning in his bed, unable to push the scene of Est and Jong out of his mind, unable to get comfortable or rest properly. Sheer exhaustion pulled him under in the early hours of the day but morning greeted him with new resolve.

He opened the windows to a hazy Bangkok sunrise, but as he watched the skies slowly began to clear. Far below him, the city was already beginning its day in earnest, the roads swelling up with the characteristic Bangkok traffic, the air already heavy with the promise of rain. He took a deep breath, steadying himself.

“Enough” he told himself. “You said you’d be his friend. It’s time to start acting like one.”

He ended up at his desk, looking through his collection on Est that he’d built over the years - pictures of Est cut out from magazines, merchandise from his fan club, photo cards from his previous work. His hands lingered on a picture of Est laughing, face open and unguarded. He hesitated for a moment, before forcing himself to gather it all into a box. He placed it on the highest shelf of his wardrobe, locking it away. 

He sat at his computer, steeled himself and signed out of all his anonymous social media accounts following Est, his fans and various fan forums. The last step was the hardest but he forced himself to do it anyway. He logged out of the forum where he had first found a friend who knew the secret, putting it all behind him. 

He shut down the computer with a solemn finality. No more shadowing, no more waiting, no more foolish hope disguised as friendship. From now on he'd stand by Est - not as a fan, not as a soulmate, but as a friend and work partner he could trust. 

That evening, the final meeting before the filming for their project trailer started, had gone on longer than planned, finally wrapping at 7. William got up, stretched and looked around for P’Ko to take him home. But the man was nowhere to be found. 

Est approached him instead, cautiously. “P’Ko had to take Hong & the others home. He asked me if I could drop you off after we were done.” He fiddled with his car keys as he spoke, shoulders stiff, bracing for rejection.

William’s heart gave a painful kick but he forced himself to reply casually. “Thanks Phi. But would you mind if we stop somewhere to eat first? My parents aren’t home and I still owe you a meal.”

Est looked up at him in disbelief as if he couldn’t believe William had agreed before he brought his expression under control. He nodded quickly. “Sure Nong. What did you want to eat?”

They ended up at the noodle shop around the corner from the GMMTV building. It was usually full of patrons but it was quiet tonight. Just them and a few late night patrons, no reporters or fans hovering around. The waiter disappeared to get their order and a silence fell across them. William picked up his chopsticks and forced himself to push through it. He started making light conversation, talking about his favourite music and foods, asking Est about his preferences. 

Slowly the wariness in Est’s eyes thawed and he began responding.   And when William talked about the Ed Sheeran concert he hoped to attend later in the year, Est’s eyes lit up in excitement.

“I’ve been meaning to go with my friends too.” He said, the words spilling out before he could stop. He hesitated for a moment before adding “Why don’t you join us if you don’t have any other plans? I’ll book an extra ticket for you when I get ours.”

The bond tightened painfully, but William forced a smile. “Yes, I’d like that.”

William finished his food and slumped against his chair, complaining about how full he felt. Est laughed at his overdramatic reaction, warmth blooming in his eyes. The wall had broken and they had reached a tentative truce with each other. 

It wasn’t much, they weren’t suddenly friends. But they’d taken their first steps towards friendship and for William it was already more than he’d ever had before. 

The first day of filming arrived soon after. William stepped into a studio buzzing with activity. Est had already been there for a few hours, filming his solo scenes and P’Mui’s voice called out every now and then with some instruction. 

When it was time for their first scene together William had to force himself back to attention. The scene was simple, their characters were standing on a rooftop talking about how to escape public attention, when Thame confesses he can’t stay away from Po. 

“Action”

They stood next to each other, trading lines back and forth, slipping into the same ease as the day of the script read. Then they turned towards each other and William walked closer to Est slowly, bending his head towards Est’s neck as he gave the final line of the scene. He felt Est’s breath hitch audibly and the bond thrummed in response. 

“Friend”, he told himself firmly. “That’s all.”

They reset to film from another angle, and Est smiled at him warmly, offering quiet, professional comments about the scene. William nodded and readied himself for another take. 

After a few more takes from different angles, William noticed a shift. They moved through the sequences more naturally, slipping in and out of their character as if they’d been doing this for months. Conversations in between takes were less strained, mostly focused on giving each other feedback and suggestions to make the scenes more effective.

By the time the director called “wrap” for the day, they had settled into a rhythm. As they packed up, Est turned to him and said softly. “Good job today. We’re really getting through this huh?”

William smiled in response. He had survived the day without the bond dictating every thought.

The last day of filming wrapped and Est took William out for dinner before taking him home again. They parked in the basement of William’s building and as he gathered his things, William noticed Est seemed to have something on his mind. 

“Is everything okay Phi? You look distracted.” William prodded gently, feeling a faint uneasiness underneath his skin, the bond reacting in concern. 

“I wanted to talk to you about how we do things going forward.” Est began cautiously. 

William frowned in confusion. “What do you mean?”

Est hesitated, then looked up, his expression careful. “Well, to start with I know we haven’t been announced as a working pair yet. But once we are we’ll be expected to do fanservice like other boys’ love couples. Pretend to be infatuated with each other, flirt and have skinship. I want to know what kind of dynamic you want us to have publicly.”

Est looked away. “If you want to keep things strictly professional because you are an idol that’s fine, but I know from previous experience that fan engagement and support is higher if we seem to be closer. Either way I just want you to be comfortable.”

William gulped and thought back to how other couples presented themselves. Some were strictly professional, some were genuine friends and others went the extra step and flirted all the time, hinting at being together. 

“How about we start off as friendly Phi? Keep the fanservice for events. We can decide later if that does or doesn’t work for us.” 

Est nodded, relief spreading over his features. “Good. You should let your partner know about that then. Sometimes this industry and the practices can be hard on them.”

William blinked, confused. “My partner?”

Est rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “Yes, you’re dating Lego right? You’ll need to talk about this and about keeping things on the downlow otherwise. I’ll have a chat with my boyfriend as well but he’s in this industry so I don't think he’ll mind. Fans can be brutal if there is even a hint of scandal.”

William laughed, caught off guard at the thought that his soulmate thought he liked someone else. “No Phi, Lego and I aren’t like that. We’re just friends.”

“Oh!” Est said sheepishly. “I thought… well everyone says…”

William leaned forward, letting his tone soften, “I promise you don’t have to worry about an angry boyfriend. I’m not dating anyone.”

Est stilled for a moment before he chuckled. “Alright. I’ll take your word for it. Thanks William. I’m glad we can talk about all this and make a plan for our partnership. It’s not always this easy. See you next week for the concert?” 

William nodded and stepped out, watching as Est drove away. The bond pulsed steadily. Est was safe, content and smiling again. That should have been enough. 

But it wasn’t. William felt a chill underneath the steady thrum of approval, punishing him for keeping his distance. Every pulse tugged at him, a reminder that it wanted more than he was giving. It wouldn't be quiet for long.  

Chapter Text

William had been to concerts before, but nothing quite like this. The stadium was alive with music. Thousands of fans sat in the audience, listening as Ed Sheeran sang about love and life and loss, the stage lights painting the night in vibrant colours. 

William’s heart hammered louder than the music and he wasn’t sure if it was due to the bass or the proximity to Est. The stadium was packed tight so he was sitting shoulder to shoulder with Est who had Joong on the other side. Daou and Offroad were seated behind them with a few other friends scattered around them.

Every now and then Est would turn to him, brushing William’s arm with his own, leaning close so that he could be heard over the roar of the audience, saying “Isn’t this amazing” or “He’s even better live”. Or he’d place an arm around him unthinkingly, pulling him close to take selfies of them singing along. 

Each time, all William could think about was how alive Est looked here - eyes shining, body swaying with the beat, jumping onto his feet and dragging them up with him when a favourite number played. 

A low ache started in his skull sometime after the fifth song as Joong held Est’s hand in the dark. The bond made its unhappiness known, punishing him with a spike of pain. He staggered for a second and Est turned to him in concern. 

“You okay Nong?”

William forced his features into a shaky smile, “I’m fine. It’s just louder than I expected.”

Est searched his face for a moment, then nodded, satisfied. He put an arm on William’s shoulder to steady him as the crowd surged again. The bond instantly tightened its grip like a vice and William forced himself not to cry out in pain. 

By the time the last song ended, William’s body was tense from fighting the pain and he just wanted to go home and rest. But watching Est flushed with happiness, asking “That was worth it, right?” William could only smile and say yes. 

Weeks blurred into months as they waited for the ThamePo pilot to be released. Somewhere along the way, the remaining awkwardness between them thinned. William spent more and more time with Est when he wasn’t busy with his own work. 

Est would call him asking, “Do you want to play badminton together” or “This new concert is releasing tickets, wanna go?”. And William always found himself saying yes, no matter how exhausted he was. 

They texted often, late into the night, sometimes about the project, more often about everything else that came to mind. Est complained about learning to sing and William offered to help him learn. They spent a few evenings in the rehearsal room, with William teaching him the basic chords while Est clumsily tried to follow. 

Occasionally Est would come to their performances. He’d sit in the back, cheering loudly as LYKN played at one concert or the other, and capture their videos on his phone. Later he’d post them online, tagging William in his posts, clearly proud of his efforts.

Songkran came around and they spent the day laughing through water fights and dancing in the streets. As evening fell and they had to separate, Est wondered aloud if he should book a hotel to stay at the end of the night. 

William found himself offering his home without thinking. “You can come to mine Phi. My parents won’t mind.” 

So for the next few nights of the festival, he found himself waking at three in the morning. He’d shuffle downstairs in his pyjamas, unlock the door and each time Est would be there waiting patiently, sitting silently by the door, dripping water on the floor.

His eyes would light up when William came into view and he’d smile like William was someone important to Est and whisper William’s name like a prayer. And each time, William’s cheeks would flush with heat and the world would shrink to just them, the festival noise muted in that moment.

Eagle eyed fans had begun to notice their closeness and began speculating on the reason. They took screenshots of their online interactions, blurry photos from group outings, dissecting every smile and glance. Some wondered if they were dating and some wondered if they’d be GMMTV’s newest pair. 

William found himself forced to live between two extremes, the days some of his happiest and some of his hardest. He had what he always wanted. Est’s nearness, friendship, attention and trust - more than he could have ever hoped for. 

Hardest, because every time Est turned to Joong at the end of the day, the bond punished him for it. For his silence, for his restraint, for daring to hope that friendship would be enough. William wasn't sure what he could do but carry on. 

Eventually the day of the trailer announcements arrived. The hall buzzed with anticipation, staff moving swiftly to ensure everything went perfectly. William felt a knot tighten in his stomach. Months of work had led to this day where the world would finally see what had been brewing. William tried to focus but felt the weight of expectation weighing heavy on him. 

At halftime, they performed one of their numbers. William moved on autopilot, muscles tense, mind elsewhere, so nervous even music couldn’t wash it away. Then the lights dimmed and without warning the trailer for ThamePo was displayed on the screen. He listened from backstage as the audience went wild and traded nervous glances with Est. 

Est stepped closer, squeezing his hand, “We’re in this together okay?” 

William nodded. Est was with him, that was enough. They walked onto stage together, laughing naturally and answered questions about the plot and the crew. Fans erupted in cheers, delighted to see their chemistry, snapping photos of them together. 

William allowed himself to take it all in. The crowd, the lights, his bandmates and most of all Est’s presence beside him and he allowed himself a moment of triumph. He glanced at Est, catching the small, quiet smile that always reached his eyes and felt warmth bloom in his chest. 

For one night, the world cheered for him and Est together, even if it was just for a show.

The moment of triumph didn't last long. Almost immediately, the fan reaction split. Some complained about his age, saying he was underaged, too young to work with Est who was almost four years older. Some complained that he was giving up on the band when it was what had made him. That he now thought he was too good for the band and would soon separate from them to focus on his acting work.

Still others who’d previously shipped him with Lego were outraged that their ship had sunk. They compared Lego and Est unfavourably, complaining that WilliamEst lacked chemistry and that it was better to pair Est with Tui. When days went by without any changes from the company they turned vicious, publicly hoping the pairing would be a one off for a failed show. 

Est’s fans complained about his pairing with William, saying they wanted Est to be paired with someone who could give him their full attention. William would always have band obligations as well which meant fewer opportunities for Est. The criticism was relentless and unyielding, a storm none of them could escape. 

In an attempt to protect Est and William, Lego who’d been dragged into this mess, began to pull away from William. He was cautious about how they interacted in shows and events, distant in a way he hadn’t been before. Finally William had enough and stopped Lego for a quiet conversation. 

“Est doesn’t deserve the vitriol coming his way because of me. He’s been kind and you know he’s painfully shy. We need to protect him as best we can.”

Lego’s expression softened. “I’ll always be there for you William but maybe we need to keep a distance for now.” 

William couldn’t say anything, the black bond in his mind. Lego had suffered enough, so he quietly let him go.

He started hearing less and less from Est. He’d no longer call and ask him to join his friends for dinners or concerts, no longer text about random things. The bond was unhappy - that Est was hurt, that Est had drifted away, that he hadn’t done anything to fix it though William was unsure what he could do in this situation. It punished him with a gnawing ache in his chest that wouldn't go away. 

William found himself listless. His appetite disappeared and he could barely sleep. Nut and P’Ko worried over him and tried to assure him everything would be fine but he could barely find it in himself to care. He forced himself to perform as usual but he wasn’t sure how long he could go on like this. 

One evening when William was curled up on his couch in a haze of exhaustion, Est appeared at his door. He looked agitated, dark circles under his eyes, hair a mess as if he’d tried to tear it out. William let him in, led him to the couch and went to get some water. 

“William, do you think we should go our separate ways?” came the soft voice from the couch. 

William dropped the glass, the words hitting him harder than expected. The bond throbbed angrily in response, almost stealing his breath away.

“No” he said, harsher than intended. 

Est flinched, “I mean.., the fans, the pressure… Isn’t it too much? I can see the way it’s been for you. Maybe my walking away will fix it.”

William took a harsh breath and walked towards Est. He lifted Est’s hand in his own. Est looked up at him, something unspoken in his eyes. 

“Listen to me carefully Phi. I don’t want anyone else to be my partner. I don’t want to get to know anyone else the way I know you. I’m not letting you go. Can you please try and hold on too?”

For a long moment, Est just looked at him. Then he let out a sigh and gripped William’s hand in return. 

“Alright.” He murmured, “If you’re sure about this, then I’m not going anywhere either.”

The bond sharpened in response, pain striking through William at the half truth but it was tinged with a hint of relief. There was a comfort in knowing Est would stay close even if it wasn’t quite what it wanted. And for that night, William clung to it, letting the noise of the world fade away.

Chapter Text

They stopped posting online. They didn’t really discuss it and no agreement was made, but the photos of moments they had together went unshared, their long conversations remained in their chat threads, social media interactions limited to their private accounts. 

What had once been something public, became something just for them. William and Est kept meeting, quietly, cautiously. They met for late night dinners at tucked away restaurants out of the public eye. They lingered in the music rehearsal room where William’s guitar notes met Est’s voice, the two mingling as one as they practiced. Other times they met at each other's homes, scripts sprawled across the couch as they read lines and talked through the scenes.

Because even through the fan backlash, sponsors for the show had come through and signed contracts for support. Scripts were finalised, outfit fittings done, locations scouted, the production mechanism plodding away quietly behind the scenes. 

LYKN went on tour, filling out stadiums around the country and William smiled and sang and performed as though nothing was wrong. As if the only thing he longed for wasn't to have Est ask him how things went at the end of the day. As if the gulf of loneliness wasn't eating him alive. As if the bond didn't chip away at pieces of him at the distance still between them.

William came back to Bangkok and filming began. The first few sessions were easy enough, scenes where Thame was just beginning to notice Po, scenes with his bandmates acting as Mars. But when the script shifted to more romantic scenes, something in William began to recoil. 

He tried to tell himself it was just nerves, that he didn’t know how to act professionally when the bond dictated so much of his emotion. But every time Est’s fingers brushed his hand, or Est’s eyes shining with feigned affection caught his gaze, the bond would tighten in protest. It wasn’t fooled. It knew that every touch, every smile, every hug wasn’t real, not what it truly wanted. And it was breaking William day by day. 

On the day they had to film their first intimate scenes, he woke up again with a dull lingering ache in his chest and a headache building behind his eyes. It was the bond’s way of reminding him that things weren’t right. Est was supposed to be his, not this pale imitation of love written in scripts and acted out for cameras.

William bit down on the pain and went into work anyway. He forced himself into costume and walked into the set, tension radiating off him. The lights were too bright, the sounds too loud and the scents too sharp, but he had to get through this. 

P’Mui pulled him and Est apart and discussed the scene. She ended by asking them if they were comfortable doing the scene, making sure everyone was on the same page. William smiled and nodded. He pretended the bond didn’t make him feel nauseated at what they wanted him to do. When it was time to film the scene everyone but the core team left the room. 

The camera started rolling and William swallowed hard and leaned forward for the kiss the scene demanded. Their lips touched awkwardly, William’s teeth knocking against Est’s, the kiss messy and clumsy. “Cut” the director called and William flinched, pulling back immediately. 

Est caught him with a steady glance. “Just relax William. Don’t think too much. Just feel it.”

They did retake after retake, each one worse than the last. The bond hammered at him incessantly, angry and hateful, the headache worsening with each press of their lips. William’s movements became stiff and uncoordinated, the scene dragging. Est looked at him in deep worry between breaks.

Finally, the director called for an end to the day, clearly disappointed with the progress they had made so far. She stepped aside to discuss the scene with the acting coach. 

William didn’t wait and bolted towards the exit, vision blurred. Est called after him in concern but he didn’t hear him. He ran, stumbling through the hallways, barely able to hold himself upright. He somehow made it into a bathroom, before he doubled over, vomiting violently, his whole body recoiling in pain. Long minutes passed as he shook and gasped for air, sweat soaking his hair and clothes. 

He collapsed against a bathroom door after the worst had passed, the cool floor tile a fragile comfort to his fevered skin. Every ounce of strength had faded and he wasn’t sure how he could face the world again. 

The next morning when William went down at his pick up time, he found Est waiting for him instead of P’Ko. William climbed into the car silently, hands gripping the edges of the seat, jaw tight, unwilling to reply to Est’s greeting. Est sighed before he pulled away from the entrance. He parked the car in a corner of the basement and turned off the engine. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

William turned away and said nothing. 

“I know yesterday wasn't great but I’m confident we can get through it. But you have to tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.” Est said softly. 

William still wouldn't meet his eyes. 

“Is it because you are kissing a boy? Did you only date women before?”

William didn’t know quite how to respond to that assertion so he stayed silent. 

Est’s hands tightened on the steering wheel and his voice turned small. “Or is it me? Did I do something to make you uncomfortable?”

“No!” William said immediately, turning to look at Est, to show how sincerely he meant it. He didn’t want Est to think he’d done something wrong when it was he who was the problem. 

“I just.. can’t.” he said, swallowing hard, unsure what to say to reassure Est. “It’s too much. I’ve never..” He hastily shut up when he realised he’d almost said too much.

Est’s brows furrowed in confusion before his eyes softened in understanding at the half confession. “You’ve never kissed anyone before?” he asked gently as if approaching a skittish animal. 

William turned away. “No, never. I.. I don’t know how to do it.”

“Oh. I see.” Silence filled the car, heavy and pressing. Then Est asked slowly. “ Do you want me to show you how it’s done?”

William couldn’t believe his ears. He looked at Est in shock but only found concern there. He hesitated, heart hammering before a whispered “Yes” slipped out from his lips. 

Est unbuckled their seatbelts and moved closer. William gripped the edges of the seat, tension coiling in his chest as thrill and fear mingled. As Est moved closer still and their breaths mingled, he found himself unable to look away from Est. 

Almost reverently, Est’s soft lips met his own. William froze, startled by the sudden warmth. Then slowly he let himself respond, leaning in and tilting his head in tune to Est’s movements. His eyes gazed at Est’s face, absorbing every expression and storing them in his memory. 

Est’s hands grazed William’s face, guiding him gently and William followed every touch, ever stroke, the soft warmth unravelling the tension and anxiety in his chest. This kiss wasn’t something called for by a script and performed on command. This was real, intimate. 

William’s heartbeat thundered in his ears, the bond settling into a calm hum for the first time in weeks, the ache replaced by something warmer. He let out a soft moan in relief which seemed to bring Est back to himself. He pulled back slightly, breathing heavily, looking at William in confusion. 

Est cleared his throat and looked away. “See” he said, voice shaky, “That wasn't so bad was it?”

William gazed at him softly before he forced himself to look away, murmuring quietly. “No.. no, it wasn’t.”

Filming resumed and William was able to perform better. It was as if the kiss had unlocked something in him and he no longer felt anxious when he performed the intimate scenes. He wasn’t truly comfortable, but he was able to get through them without being sick again. Thankfully there were only a few intimate scenes in the show and they got through them quickly. 

They turned their attention next to filming the Q’s that took place at Oner Entertainment in the show and William now properly saw a change in Est that he’d noticed but not fully registered in his previous misery during filming. Est was quieter and subdued, his usual spark dimmed. During breaks, William tried to offer a smile or a joke or would try to tease him, and Est would briefly respond before his attention drifted away again. Some days he seemed to be a million miles away. He’d sleep all the time during breaks and appeared listless. 

One afternoon, William finally had enough and approached him during one of their breaks. 

“Phi, are you okay? You seem off lately.”

Est hesitated for a brief moment before waving off William’s concerns. “I’m fine. Just a little tired.”

But William didn't believe him. He watched Est, following his emotions through the bond, feeling the undercurrent of unhappiness that Est wouldn’t or couldn’t say out loud. 

He had to film some scenes with Joong that afternoon and while usually Est would stand at the periphery watching his boyfriend act, today he was nowhere to be seen. He didn’t really think much about it until later when Est asked him if he wanted a ride home. As they waited to board the elevator, Joong came around the corner, face bare of makeup, back in his normal clothes. 

William braced himself to watch the two together, maybe to watch them hold hands in the empty elevator but to his surprise the elevator arrived and only he and Est stepped in. 

He held the door open as they tried to close. “Aren’t you coming in P’Joong?” he asked. 

Joong looked at Est for a long moment but Est ignored him completely. Joong let out a long breath. “Go ahead Nong. I’ll take the next one.”

William blinked in confusion. “But…”

“Let’s go William.” Est said, gently pushing William’s arm away from the door. The elevator doors closed in Joong’s face, leaving William’s hand suspended in mid-air, an uncomfortable silence settling in. 

William couldn’t hold it in anymore. “P’Est what’s going on? What was that with P’Joong?”

Est sighed heavily. “Nothing to concern yourself with Nong.” He was quiet for so long that William thought he wouldn’t say anything more. “Joong and I broke up.” Est said in a bitter tone.

The words hit William like a punch to the gut. He remembered how Est’s face would light up around Joong, how happy and domestic they seemed together. Proof he’d thought that the bond wasn't everything, that Est was happier without him, that Est didn’t need him. 

“But why?” William asked, confused. 

Est glanced at him, hesitating. “We've been having difficulties for some time now. We’ll be fine eventually but it was messy. For now it's best we see as little of each other as possible.” he said, ending the topic with a finality that made it clear he didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

William nodded, then a horrifying thought hit him. Had the soul bond interfered somehow? Had it driven a wedge between Est and Joong? His stomach twisted in knots. He wanted to say something, anything, but guilt and shame gnawed at him. 

“Okay.” he whispered, but nothing about the situation felt okay. His stomach churned in a mixture of sorrow and fear and anger. 

William clenched his fists, willing himself to let go of his spiralling thoughts, but they wouldn’t release him. He felt as if he were drowning in the knowledge that perhaps his presence had unknowingly destroyed Est’s happiness.

Chapter Text

William greeted the morning with red rimmed eyes. He hadn’t been able to sleep. Every time he closed his eyes he saw Est’s tired face and heard his voice - we broke up - echoing bitterly, in his mind. The scene repeated endlessly, as though trying to sear itself into his mind, crushing him with guilt.

They were filming another scene today - one where their relationship is almost revealed and Thame reassures Po that whatever happens, he’ll still be there for him. The irony of it wasn't lost on him. Here he was pretending to promise to do right by his lover, while in real life, he was destroying what little peace his soulmate had found. 

When the cameras rolled, he hugged Est tightly trying to convey how sorry he was, throat burning with everything he couldn’t say. Est held on to him as if he was drowning too. The hug lingered even as the director yelled “Cut”. 

He couldn’t undo the damage the bond had done, couldn’t even be sure if it was his fault, but as he looked at Est’s face and gently kissed him for the scene, he promised he would do whatever he could to make it easier on Est. 

He started small, slipping water to Est between takes, cracking jokes to diffuse the silence that Est wrapped himself in. He sat next to Est at lunch, feeding him playfully when Est picked at his food. When Est fell asleep, he’d wrap a blanket around him. He became a quiet shield, protecting Est without making it obvious. 

When Est finally laughed, a real, unguarded laugh, after William told him a story about Nut’s latest antics, William found himself relaxing for the first time in days. That soft sound made everything he carried easier to bear.

Outside the cameras, they grew closer still. Late night filming blurred into late night basement conversations. Some nights they spoke of their hopes from the project, the pressure of expectations, the fear of disappointing those who had believed in them. Some nights they just sat silently in the car, basking in each other’s presence as the music played on. 

These moments should have filled William up. Instead the bond continued to drain him. His sleep was restless, his appetite nonexistent. He grew thinner and when Est asked if he was alright, William smiled and waved it off because how could he explain what the guilt was doing to him?

A week before filming was due to wrap up, P'Ko approached him in the hallway, a set of papers tucked under his arm. 

“William, have you thought about what you want to do next? The company wants to know if you want to continue acting with Est next quarter or if they can arrange an Asia wide concert series for LYKN. A lot of event companies have reached out after all the visibility from ThamePo. You’ll have to be here for the series promotions of course but that is still a while away. I thought I’d get your thoughts first.”

William blinked, caught off guard. He’d been so tired with his day to day routine that the thought of what would happen after hadn’t really crossed his mind. He glanced at Est who stood chatting with the crew, light catching in his hair. 

“I haven’t really thought about it, P'Ko. Give me some time to decide.”

P’Ko nodded and began to walk away but hesitated, “You’ve been pushing yourself too hard, maybe plan to take a few days first? And eat something okay? You look pale.”

William grimaced but agreed. 

The question followed him for the rest of the day. He didn’t want to give up his time with Est, not yet. They’d barely known each other for a few months. But part of him wondered if distance would help shield Est from the bond. If he stepped away, maybe Est could heal, maybe even reconcile with Joong. The thought twisted painfully in his chest. 

Later that evening, as the city slumbered, William stared at his phone before he dialled P’Ko’s number. 

“William, what’s wrong?”

“Let’s do the concerts P’Ko. We can start immediately after filming wraps up.”

There was a pause on the line. “Are you sure? You can take a few days to think it over. It’s a big commitment and will keep you busy for months.”

“I’m sure P’Ko.” William said quietly. “Please tell the company.” He hung up without waiting for an answer. He wasn’t sure if he was doing the right thing but he had to try. He owed it to Est.

Filming wrapped with a simple scene of them walking together as Thame & Po, chatting quietly about their future together. William couldn’t believe that this was the end after months of effort by the director, actors and crew. As P’Ko gathered them all and took them to the wrap party venue- a bar tucked away in a garden - Est was surprisingly quiet. 

Fairy lights lit the venue, the smell of food hung in the air, excited conversations blurring into background buzz. People got up to sing karaoke and perform but Est drowned himself in alcohol as William watched worriedly. After the fifth drink, Est stood up saying he needed some air but stumbled. William caught him by the arm. 

“Here let me help.” he said, leading out into the garden. Est didn’t argue, just followed him silently. William helped him sit and brought him some water hoping it would help him sober up. Est took it with shaky hands. The noise from the karaoke fell away. 

“Did you know the CEO’s assistant called me yesterday?” Est asked suddenly.

William frowned, “No, why?”

Est laughed bitterly. “He said the show previews look good. Really good. The CEO is pleased. They think fans will love it.” He took a sip from the water bottle. “But once the show promotions are done, they are going to announce the end of our partnership. Said you’ll be busy with LYKN activities so they want to start planning for it now so fans don't raise a fuss. They’ll pair me with someone new if I like.”

William froze. He’d agreed to the concert so Est could have some space, but he hadn’t really thought about what it would mean for Est work wise. Of course he couldn’t be expected to keep waiting for William when he’d be unavailable the next few months. And of course the company would think of pairing him with someone else, Est was brilliant and he’d shown it time and time again with his work. 

William’s heart twisted painfully. “Phi, let me explain.”

Est shook his head. “No, I get it. It’s just business. They don’t understand how hard we worked to get here, how hard it was for me to start over.”

William’s throat tightened. He wanted to reach and gather Est into his arms, but couldn’t. “Phi..”

Est looked at William, eyes shining with tears, words coming out raw and unfiltered. “I don’t know what I’ll do without you. You kept me together, kept me sane. Sometimes what we have feels so real.”

William’s breath hitched, “Phi, you’re drunk.”

“Maybe”, Est whispered. “I thought I could handle this. I knew it was a possibility when I signed up. But now that it’s here..” His voice broke completely. “It feels like I’m losing something that I had long stopped believing I’d find.” Est’s expression crumpled and he gave into tears. 

William didn’t know what to do, but he couldn’t stand it anymore. He pulled Est into his arms before he could really think about it. Est came willingly and buried his face in William’s shoulder, soaking his shirt in tears.

William held him tightly, guilt building in his chest. He wanted to tell Est that nothing had to change, that everything would be fine, but the words felt hollow on his tongue. He didn’t know what morning would bring or if he could undo the ache Est felt, but for this moment he could still comfort Est and keep him safe. That would have to be enough for tonight.

Chapter Text

The days after the wrap party were strange. They drifted apart - not intentionally but gradually.  Est was swept away into new show auditions & workshops and William was buried under concert rehearsals for LYKN and events. Between all of that there was hardly any time to meet. 

William spent days confused. Some days he’d message Est, simple things like “Have you eaten Phi?” or “Did you listen to the newest Tilly Birds song?” Other days he’d try his damnedest to stay away. 

But William heard little from Est on both kinds of days. Est had retreated behind his walls again, protecting himself from the eventual heartbreak.

The silence between them felt like an illness, worming its way through his body. Some days he’d wake dizzy and cold, body aching with heaviness, unable to eat or focus. Some days he’d wake with the pain so intense only exhaustion would numb it. 

P’Ko offered to reduce his workload, but William refused. Only the hectic schedule was keeping him from running back to Est and begging for forgiveness. He couldn’t afford to stop, to think, to feel. 

He spent hours in the rehearsal room, trying to perfect the vocals and the choreography. One such day found him leaving at midnight, shirt soaked through with sweat, voice sore from the hours of rehearsal. He found Lego waiting outside in the mostly empty corridor, waiting as if he knew he’d have to drag William out at some point. 

“Are you trying to blow your throat before our next stage?” he asked, voice sharp, eyes taking in William’s tired visage. 

“I’m fine.” William muttered, trying to brush past him. His body ached and as he stepped past Lego he stumbled and leaned forward precariously. 

Lego caught him by the arm. “No you’re not. You’re about to collapse. You think I can’t see what you are doing to yourself?”

William tried to laugh it off. “I’m just a little tired. We need to bring our A-game for this concert. I need to get better”

“You are already good.” Lego said matter of factly. “Stop trying to chase your demons away by doing this. It won’t help and you’re not only hurting yourself but all of us too.”  He let go of William’s arm and said heatedly, “I can’t bear to see you like this.”

Lego’s upset face was somehow enough to make William pause. He tried to reassure Lego. “Okay okay. I’ll be more careful, you don’t need to worry.” 

Lego didn’t look convinced, and as William turned them both to the door and started talking about what they should eat, he knew he couldn’t keep his promise.

The fan sign was supposed to be routine. LYKN had done so many of them by now that they all blurred together. The rhythmic chorus of “Thank you for coming” interspersed with the requests for various poses and selfies. 

The exhaustion was dragging William under and he was moving on autopilot. Smile fixed, signing one autograph after another, he barely registered the next fan until they sat down. An older man in his late twenties, he was not one of the usual people who came to these things. He didn’t say anything or take his phone out, just sat there quietly looking at William.

“Hi”, William said, the rehearsed words coming out by reflex, “Who should I make it out to?”

The man’s voice came out raspy as if unused for a long time. “I told you to stay away from your soul mate. You should have listened.”

William froze in surprise, the practiced smile slipping from his face. 

“What?”

But security was already urging the man to move to the next artist. The stranger gave a sad smile, eyes lingering on William’s hands. He slid a note across the table and left, heavily supporting himself on a cane.  

William stared after him, heart pounding. He forced himself to interact with his next fan, laugh at their jokes, answer their questions. All the while the note burned a hole in his pocket.

Later, once the chaos of the fan sign was behind him, they decompressed in the dressing room. As William changed clothes mechanically and waited for P’Ko to take him home, he took out the note and read through the few lines written there.

You’re getting weaker, aren’t you? Come talk to me. I’ll wait at the Boon cafe.
v_boy

William’s stomach dropped. He read the note again wondering if he was seeing things right or if he had finally lost it. William hadn’t heard from him in years. How did he suddenly show up now? How did he even know who William was?

William threw the note away. v_boy had abandoned him without any warning and now he’d come back, when William was getting famous. Who knew what he wanted. No, he’d pretend this never happened.

The bell above the cafe door rang as William entered. The cafe was almost empty and smelled faintly of coffee and baked goods. He hesitated by the door, cap slung low, a mask hiding most of his face. P’Ko would kill him for ignoring the safety protocols that had been drilled into them after their debut but William wanted answers. 

He found the man sitting in one of the booths, cane placed beside him. William tried to remember if he’d seen him before but came up with a blank. He approached the table and the man looked up from his coffee, smiling faintly at William. 

“I didn’t think you’d come.”

”I almost didn’t.” William acknowledged, sitting down in the seat in front of him. “You said you were v_boy” he said, suspicion lacing his tone.

The man nodded, folding his hands around the warm coffee cup. “Yes. For a while I was.”

William studied him in silence. The man looked thin as if illness had eaten away at him. His eyes were sunken, his skin had a waxy pallor and when he lifted his cup, his hands trembled slightly. There was something haunting in his gaze, something that drew chills down William’s spine. 

“How did you even find me? I never told you who I was.”

“You didn't tell me who you were but you gave me enough clues to figure out who you were. I have been watching your career.” He looked out the window, “You’ve done really well kid.”

He sighed and took another look at William and asked, “Your bond mate rejected you, didn't he?”

William hid his hands below the table by instinct. “How did you…?”

“I lived it. Once.” he said, stopping William’s questions in its tracks. “I see the way you are suffering now. The way you are wasting away. The way you keep rubbing at your chest as if to dislodge the pain. The way you burrow under your jackets even in the summer heat. The same thing happened to me.”

“It’s Est isn’t it? You began to get worse after he showed up in your life.” the man asked gently.

William stared at his hands, “He doesn’t know”, he whispered.

“Be grateful he doesn’t or it would be worse”, the man said. “The bond feeds on awareness, on longing. The more you both feel, the more it takes.”

William stared at his hands. “So what am I supposed to do? I’ve already distanced myself from him but it still hurts so much. Do I just go on like this till I collapse?”

The man looked at him pityingly. “You won’t have to wait that long. It gets worse if you have spent any time with your soulmate. The bond has had a taste of what things should be like. It won’t like being denied.” His eyes turned distant as if remembering some old memory. “I almost didn’t make it.”

“What do you mean?” William asked sharply. 

“The bond is killing you William. It will take and take and it won’t stop until there’s nothing left.”

William sat there, quietly taking that in. It should have shocked him, those words. But deep down he understood, it was something he’d already known. Something he hadn’t dared acknowledge as the bond turned against him. Long seconds passed before he managed to speak. 

“But you’re still here” William said finally, the question underneath unasked but clear. How?

“You have to break the bond to survive, kid.” The man added when William didn't say anything more. “Sever the bond willingly. It will take time to recover from the damage already done but you can survive it.” The man sighed heavily looking at his hands. “That’s what I had to do.”

 “What..,” William asked voice cracking, “What does it feel like?”

“It’s different for us because we can see the bonds I think. We know what we’re losing. It’s harder than other bonds we’ve seen break. It’ll hurt at first. Pain like nothing else, like your soul has been ripped in half.” He paused, taking a shaky breath. “After that it stops hurting. You stop feeling anything at all.”

William’s chest ached. “If I break the bond, will I forget everything that happened between us?”

The man shook his head. “No. You’ll remember everything. You just won’t feel it anymore. It’s just emptiness after.”

William gulped, “And your soulmate?”

The man’s expression barely changed. “She never knew. Went on with her life as if nothing ever happened. Maybe that’s a good thing, you take it all so they never have to hurt.”

Silence stretched between them, broken only by faint sounds of traffic outside. Finally, the man pushed his cup away and stood up, leaning heavily on his cane. 

“Do it soon kid, before it kills you. You don’t have a lot of time left, once it starts draining you like this.”

He put a hand on William’s shoulder to comfort him. “The longer you wait, the harder it will be to survive.”

And then he was gone, disappearing into the night like he never existed. Like this had all been a bad dream William could wake from. 

William had come looking for answers but all he’d found was a choice that split him in two.

William wasn't sure why he’d been invited to DaouOffroad’s Christmas party when Est no longer spoke to him. But when Offroad had called him asking him to come, he couldn’t say no. Maybe it was the unspoken belief that seeing Est would clear things in his mind.

The party was already in full swing when he arrived. Music pulsed from speakers, laughter spilling across the apartment. Daou was dressed like a Christmas tree and was going around pouring drinks for everyone. Est glanced up at him and smiled but did not approach him and William gave him his space. Just seeing him even from this distance was enough.

William sat quietly, soaking it all in. Eventually Offroad came to speak to him. He sat on the chair next to him, grinning widely. “Good to see you here Nong.”

“Thanks for inviting me, Phi.”

"Of course you’re one of us now. You’re always welcome here.”

William looked down at his drink, his throat tight. 

“You know, you’ve been good for him,” he said gesturing towards Est who was arguing over the song choice with Daou. 

William blinked, “What do you mean?”

“He was quieter before you.” Offroad said simply. “Closed off. Now he smiles more, argues more. You’ve been a ray of sunshine in his life Nong and we’re all glad you’re here.”

William looked at his glass and said faintly. “I’m not sure he’d agree.”

”Small bumps in the road happen in any journey Nong. I’m sure you’ll find your way through this.” Off-road said clapping him on the shoulders. He got up and went to speak to other friends. 

Daou came and offered him something stronger, whispering conspiratorially, “Don't tell Offroad or Est.”

William found himself reaching out with eager hands. He’d thought he could see Est one last time and break the bond but now that he was here he couldn’t imagine doing that. 

Daou and Offroad were sitting around their friends, shoulders leaning into each other, their voices soft, the red soul bond around their hands glowing with their happiness. Est sat next to them, glancing softly at their joined hands. William drank more, jealousy and loss burning through him. 

The apartment emptied out as the party began to wind down leaving only a few stragglers and soft Christmas music behind. The alcohol hit him hard. The world swayed pleasantly around him, everything blurry and hazy, the pain in his chest muted. He curled up on the couch, blinking blearily at the world. 

That’s how Est found him. He took one look at William and asked angrily. “Who gave you alcohol? How many of those have you had?”

William smiled at him, slow and lazy, and pulled him down. Est landed heavily on the couch before he adjusted himself. When William’s head landed on his lap, he gave in completely, and softly carded his hand through William’s hair. William leaned into his warmth. 

“Phi. Can I tell you something?”

Est smiled, anger already flitting away. “You already are.”

“No, I mean really tell you something.” William said, words slurring slightly. “I’m jealous.”

Est humoured him, “Of what?”

William gestured vaguely at where Daou and Offroad sat together, hands intertwined. “Them,” he said. “Of how easy it looks. How strong their soul bond is.”

Est frowned, “Soul bond? Just how much have you had to drink?”

“I’m not drunk.” William blurted out, voice louder than he intended. The room suddenly felt too big, the music too loud. His chest heaved. “You don't get it Phi, You just don’t.”

“Explain it to me then.” Est said tone softening as it always did for William.

“I can see them Phi. Soul bonds, the ones between people. They look like bright strings connecting them. Theirs is so strong.” He gave a small, broken laugh. 

Est wasn’t sure what had inspired this, but clearly it was time to take him home, “William…” 

But William pushed on, voice trembling. “I had one too, you know,” he said looking at the grey string on his finger, the other end tied to Est. It gave a painful tug that William resisted.

Est’s breath caught. There was so much honesty and pain in William’s voice that he stopped to just listen. 

“It was so beautiful and warm. But they rejected me. And then the bond turned on me. It hurts so much Phi.” William blinked rapidly, trying to hold back tears. He clutched at his chest. “And I know I should break it, be free. But I think I’ll always love them. Even if they never want me, even if it kills me.”

Est’s heart stuttered. He didn’t know what to say. Part of him wanted to laugh it off as the alcohol talking. But the way William looked made something about it feel real. It wasn’t drunken rambling. It was pain given voice. 

Est wanted to reach for him, comfort him somehow, but William was already falling asleep, eyes half lidded, breaths turning deeper. Est sat there frozen as the night carried on outside their little bubble. 

Est brushed a hand lightly across William’s forehead and whispered just loud enough for William’s ears, “Then I hope whoever it is realizes what they lost.”

Chapter Text

Swimming had always been Est’s sanctuary. The noise and chaos of the world was swept away in the silence that engulfed him underwater. 

But not today. The first bite of the cold water hit him as he started his swim. He swam with sharp, relentless strokes, trying to drown out William’s voice from last night but the small, pained voice calling “It hurts so much Phi” kept ringing through his head. 

Est wasn’t sure how he’d got here. He’d always been focused on swimming, sure that that was wanted to do with his life, the early morning drills a routine that he’d lived his life by. It was safe, quiet, steady, known. 

And then acting happened after one random encounter with his senior. 

“Just one day,” he’d said, “You’ve got the face for it.” He’d agreed, thinking it would be a funny story he’d tell his friends. 

But one audition and he’d been swept away into a new world. One where his every action and word was monitored and dissected. He hadn’t even had a series out, just news of his casting, when he’d realised what he’d walked into. 

People watched him, commented on him, and posted about him. They’d send him anonymous messages saying “I love you Est” or “You’re my soulmate” or “I’d die for you Est”.

People followed him around and made fan pages for him. It was terrifying how much people seemed to know about him, even things he’d previously never mentioned. 

But as scary as the attention was, the minute the camera turned on, he felt the same calm that he found underwater drift over him. He found it thrilling to inhabit another person, to live in worlds other people imagined.

He thought he’d found a friend in his co-actor Meen, someone he could trust, someone comfortable, someone he hoped he could work long term with. But after the show and the promotions, Meen was just gone. No explanations, no warnings. 

Next thing he knew he was reading about a new pairing between him and another one of their coactors and Est was left behind. The betrayal stung more than he’d expected but he picked himself up and tried to move on. 

He tried to balance everything, swimming, acting, school and the media attention, but the cracks started showing. He found himself getting smaller roles, less screen time. It felt like something was missing, a tension that not even swimming could erase.

Then he met Joong. Joong who was confident, kind and grounded in a way Est had forgotten people could be. They’d met at an audition and at first they’d just fallen into an easy friendship. Joong didn't pry, didn't push or try to fix things. He just stayed and listened. 

And Est learnt to breathe again. 

They began dating quietly, careful not to attract attention, sharing meals and quiet laughter. It wasn’t perfect, Joong had an established acting partner so was often busy thanks to his work but they made the best of the little time they had together. They spent time with their friends, went on quiet trips and learned to build a normal life outside the camera. For the first time in a while, Est felt safe. 

He’d thought that was how life would be. Swimming, acting, studying, Joong, until he’d got the call. Another audition, casting for the lead of a project that had been in the works for years. He’d gone for the audition not expecting anything, he’d been burnt too many times and knew better, but two weeks later he sat at GMMTV office reading through a contract that he’d never expected to receive. 

Though they hinted that the pairing would be a one off due to the other actor’s main job as an idol, Est signed the contract anyway, hopeful that it would help Est rebuild his career and offer more opportunities.

And that was how William walked into his life. 

He’d expected another polite co-star, another temporary partnership built for promoting the group. But from the very first table read, William was electric, the chemistry between them undeniable. He commanded Est’s attention every time he walked into a room. 

William had been polite but distant at first, careful with his words. Est braced himself for another short partnership, someone else who would fade from his life once the project ended, but something changed after his graduation.

Est became friends with the warm hearted, bright eyed boy beneath the silence. The one who remembered how he liked his coffee and that he disliked pork. The one who asked about his day even when he was exhausted. 

He was blown away by the quiet strength of William’s performance when they filmed the trailer. He’d expected someone green, someone who needed some guidance to find his way. But William would close his eyes and open them as Thame, speaking words that drew Est in like nothing before. 

William was focused, almost reverent at work and Est found himself watching more than he should have. He moved through scenes with intention, every gesture and glance filled with meaning and when their eyes met, Est sometimes forgot the next line entirely. 

Filming for the trailer wrapped but Est still found himself looking forward to their late night conversations, to the ease of William’s company, to the warmth he left in his wake. 

And then the trailer was released and the backlash came. Vicious comments judging them, their partnership, William’s commitment, Est and his face, body and work. It had been loud and unrelenting and Est felt he was drowning under the hate. But worse was watching William suffer, the bright eyed, kind boy now quiet and dim. 

So he went to his house, offering to walk away, hoping that it would protect his smile. But William had grasped his hands, looked up at him in all sincerity and asked him to stay. 

And Est had looked at those gentle eyes, and had been unable to say anything but yes. And some deep part that he wished remained silent, had whispered, “You can never walk away from this boy with the golden voice.”

The encounter shook Est. He tried to spend more time with Joong to get the thoughts out of his head. But Joong also was busier between filming his new show, meetings about his new boy band, recordings and practice. Est tried to find the time to make space for them, to go back to what they had been before but it was difficult. He told himself it was temporary, the industry was demanding and Joong was finally working towards his long held dream and that things would calm down once both projects settled. 

But weeks passed and Joong’s absence stretched longer, messages going answered, calls cut short. Even when they met, Joong seemed a million miles away, one hand on his phone all the time. And in the gaps left behind was William. 

He didn’t plan it that way, but William had a way of showing up for Est. A quick joke after a long day, a warm smile when things went wrong, a snack when he forgot to eat. 

He caught himself watching William instead of acting. The way he tilted his head when thinking, the way his lips would quirk when someone said something funny but he was trying not to laugh, the way his lashes kissed his cheek when he slept, the way he smiled, soft and hesitant. 

It unnerved him at first, this attention he paid to this kid he’d barely known for a few months, but when William turned to him grinning like a child, Est found himself wanting to see his smile again, to be the one who caused it.

 
The breaking point with Joong came on their first anniversary. Joong had promised to meet him for dinner but Est had been waiting for two hours, dinner cold on the table, Joong nowhere to be seen. The clock ticked past eleven, when Joong finally walked in, fatigue all over his face. 

He took one look at the table and Est’s drawn face and let out a groan. “Sorry, I forgot.”

Est forced himself to reply calmly. “You promised to show up. It’s our anniversary.”

Joong sighed, annoyed. “You know how it is right now. Things are insane at work. I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you.”

“Your Instagram story said you were at a dinner, showed you laughing with others.”

“Est, please. It was a work dinner. Why are you making this harder than it already is?” Joong asked, rubbing one hand over his face. 

Est remained stubbornly silent. Joong went on annoyed. “It’s not like you are available now when I’m free either. You are busy with your work too.”

“So it’s a problem that I have new work now? I thought you were happy for me.”

“I am, but let’s not pretend it hasn’t made things harder for us.” Joong continued unaware or uncaring of the anger building in Est. “You knew this was how things were when we got together. You used to be okay with it. You knew that I wouldn’t always be able to make time.”

Something in Est cracked. He’d been holding everything in for weeks, the distance, the unanswered messages, the broken plans. The words spilled out before he could stop them. 

“William’s busy too, but he still makes time.”

Joong’s head snapped up, eyes narrowed in disbelief and Est instantly regretted the words. “What did you just say?”

“Joong, I didn’t mean..”

But Joong’s bitter laugh stopped him. “No, I get it. Let’s address the elephant in the room, you like that boy. That’s what this is really about. Do you think I don’t see the way you look at him?” 

“Joong please..”, Est reached for him, panic rising. Joong pushed his hands away. 

“Maybe you should spend your time with William instead.” Joong threw out before grabbing his bag, anger radiating off him in waves. “If he even wants you that is.”

The door slammed before Est could say another word. He stood there for a long time, Joong’s words ringing in his head. 

He hadn’t meant to say it, hadn’t even realised how true it was till the words were slipping out. But William did make time for him. He showed up every time, cared for him every time, noticed him every time. 

And the realisation frightened him. He picked up his phone and opened Joong’s contact. He typed, ‘I’m sorry. Please come back’ and stared at the message. He deleted it and put the phone away. 

 
Joong didn’t text, didn’t call. Est went through the motions like nothing was wrong, showered, had coffee, showed up at work, filmed his scenes. He avoided thinking about Joong but he couldn’t avoid thinking about William.

The script that day called for a kiss scene, the first one since shooting began. They’d rehearsed everything, the lines, the blocking. But the normally unflappable William was struggling. Est studied him worried. Had he done something? Made him uncomfortable somehow? Had he noticed what Est was beginning to feel? 

They tried several times, getting worse and worse with each take before the director called for an end to the day. William bolted,  uncaring of Est calling out for him. 

Est replayed it in his head, the hesitation in William’s movements, the tension in his body as he placed a hand on his neck. Guilt bloomed and settled heavy in his stomach. Maybe Est really had made him uncomfortable. Maybe he’d crossed a line. Maybe William was struggling not with the scene but with him. 

The next day he offered to pick William for work hoping to ease the tension. He rehearsed what he could say, how he could act, but the second William slid into the passenger seat quiet and distant, every plan flew out the window. 

The conversation started heavy and awkward but halfway through their conversation William mentioned that he’d never kissed anyone and Est lost his head. At first he was relieved. Relieved he hadn’t made him uncomfortable, hadn’t upset him. But then something else rose in its place, something sharp and urgent, desire. He found himself wanting to kiss William. 

His mouth worked before his brain could stop it. And before he even realised what he was doing, he was reaching across, pulling William close and meeting his lips with his own. The kiss was soft at first, hesitant, but William leaned into it, and the tiny motion made Est’s chest ache with relief. He let himself linger, feeling every tremor in William’s body, the way the heat of his skin pressed against his, the way he moved as if attuned to Est’s movements. 

The world outside ceased to exist, every noise muted, every thought silenced. There was only this moment, only William, warm and alive in his arms, feeling impossibly right, like he belonged there.

And for the first time in a long while, Est felt like he was finally home. 

Chapter Text

The kiss haunted Est. 

In the next few days he replayed it endlessly in his head, trying to understand why he’d done it. Was it just an impulsive thing? Something meaningless? But then why did his heart stutter every time he saw William?

William never brought it up again but his shoulders seemed less tense, his smiles easier, the scenes flowing more smoothly. It should have been a relief that William was unbothered by it at all. It wasn’t.

Est almost texted Joong again, wanting to run back to something familiar, something comfortable rather than try and work through the mess of feelings in his head. But he didn’t know what he could say.

So the days passed just like that. Est tried to bury himself in work, trying to forget that moment. He told himself it was just chemistry, a connection spawned from too much time spent together for work.

And then William would smile at him, eyes soft with emotion and his pulse would jump in a way that had nothing to do with acting. 

He hadn’t meant for it to happen. But somewhere along the way he’d fallen for William. 

He tried to keep his feelings to himself. William had never so much as hinted at feeling the same way and Est refused to risk their partnership over this.

So he tried to step back before he fell deeper. He told himself it was better this way. He just needed to get his head straight before he did something he couldn’t take back. But exhaustion crept in from the weight of pretending it didn’t matter. He became quieter, withdrawn, a shadow of what he used to be. 

William noticed of course. He voiced his worry a few times but each time Est brushed it aside with a smile.

Things came to a head on the day Joong came to film his scenes. Usually he’d stick around. Joong was a very versatile actor and Est loved watching him act. But after everything that had happened, the thought of standing there acting as if they were still friends felt unbearable. So he stayed away. 

When it was time to leave, he let out a quiet sigh of relief. He found William and asked him if he wanted to leave with him, wanting the comfort of his company after a day spent avoiding Joong. 

They were waiting for the elevator to close, when Joong turned around the corner. 

He stood there, his tired gaze flickering to Est, waiting for a sign that meant he could join them. For a brief moment their eyes met. And suddenly everything they’d been avoiding came rushing out. The anger, the sadness, the lonely nights, the broken promises. 

Est wanted to reach out and say “I’m sorry”. For falling out of love. For no longer caring the way you deserve. For the mess our friend group has become. But no words came out. He looked away, jaw tight. 

“Go ahead Nong,” Joong finally said, addressing William instead. “I’ll take the next one.” 

The elevator closed leaving them in an awkward silence. Est could feel William’s confusion beside him, questions gathering in his eyes. 

When William finally voiced the question, he should have left it at “Nothing to concern yourself with.” 

But Est was tired of pretending everything was fine. 

“Joong and I broke up,” he said quietly, telling William he didn’t want to be around Joong anymore. 

He didn’t explain further, couldn’t explain further in fact. Couldn’t say that it wasn’t the pain of the breakup that was breaking him, but the fact that his thoughts were filled with someone else instead. So he stayed silent. 

He could feel William watching him, worry radiating off him. 

“Okay” William finally said, realising that Est would say no more. 

Est looked away, pretending that the warmth from the faint brush of William’s hand against his wasn’t the only thing keeping him upright. 
 

A week before filming was due to wrap, Est noticed P’Ko talking to William. He couldn’t hear them over the chatter, but he noticed William’s surprise before he turned thoughtful. He caught William looking at him after and smiled but William didn’t smile back. 

Something in Est’s chest tightened at that but he brushed it aside and threw himself back into work. There was only a week of filming left and he had too much still left to do. 

Est was staring at the script for the next day, wondering how three months of filming had passed by so quickly when the call from the CEO’s assistant came. His phone buzzed in his pocket and he picked it up without checking the number. 

The conversation made his stomach drop. The compliments for his work hadn’t even registered before the news of the partnership termination was mentioned by the assistant. 

“I see,” he said, voice barely above a whisper. “And is it final?”

“Yes, Nong Est. You’ve done very well, the company’s decision is just based on logistics. Don’t worry once the noise from the show dies down we’ll find you a new pairing.”

Est nodded slowly, dread curling up in his stomach. “Thank you for letting me know.” They exchanged a few more words that Est had no memory of before the line went silent. 

He stared at his phone and thought of William. Thought of the ways he’d shown up, the way he made even the worst days bearable, the way he’d burrowed his way into his heart. 

And now he had to let him go. The show would be a success. William would go onto more concerts, more albums, more success, a life  where he didn't need Est. 

“Of course,” Est thought bitterly. “Of course I’ve ended up falling for yet another person who wants to leave.”

 
Est woke up the night after the wrap party with a massive hangover. Memories rushed back - the laughter, the lights, the karaoke, the alcohol he had downed trying to drown out all the pain in his head.

He remembered falling apart in William’s arms. He remembered feeling raw and exposed, every emotion out on display. William had held him, comforted him but he hadn’t said he would stay. Hadn’t said he would even try. 

So Est pulled back. He ignored William’s texts, avoided calling him and wrapped himself in work. He told himself it was better this way. If he pulled back now, maybe it wouldn’t hurt later. If he stopped caring, maybe it wouldn’t matter that William left.

But when Offroad called him a few days later, asking if William should still be invited to the Christmas party, Est didn’t even hesitate.

“Yeah,” he said quietly. “Invite him.”

Because no matter how much it hurt, he couldn’t bring himself to let go completely. Not yet.

Est watched as William walked into the apartment. He looked thinner, frailer somehow as if he hadn’t been taking care of himself. A brief thought of talking to P’Ko - to ask if he was eating, sleeping - passed through his mind, before he brushed it away. It wasn’t his place and William wouldn't appreciate his interference.

Daou’s loud antics pulled Est’s attention away, Offroad smiling quietly at his boyfriend in the background. But even as the room buzzed with celebration, as people came up to him to talk, Est’s eyes kept finding William. 

He saw him drink but didn’t think much of it at first. Alcohol was available but William was responsible to a fault, always conscious of his actions. But time passed and he noticed William curl up on the couch, his movements slow and unsteady. His brows furrowed in concern. William looked exhausted, vulnerable in a way that worried him and his feet found him in front of William before he could think it through. 

When he saw William drunk, part of him was tempted to find Daou and give him an earful, but the larger part that wanted to ensure William was safe won out. As he settled next to William, helping him adjust his head on his lap, hands automatically going to his hair, a strange calm washed over him, the sadness from the last few days washed away.

He just wanted to comfort William, let him tell Est what was on his mind, tell him why he looked so small, so lost. He wanted to know what he could do to fix it for him if can. 

When William’s drunken words came out, at first he was tempted to dismiss it. William was drunk and tired and red strings and soulmates? Who on earth believed in that stuff. 

But as William went on, he soon found himself focusing, paying attention - not to the words themselves but to William. To the way his eyes turned dark with pain, the way his voice choked with sobs, the way his hands trembled. 

As William’s voice quieted and his eyes fluttered closed, Est felt a protective surge that surprised him. A hand brushed across his brow, and he made a quiet wish. 

Est sat there, long after all the guests left and the music had faded. Offroad and Daou passed by him as they cleaned up and gave him looks but Est could bring himself to care. He looked at the boy in his lap and didn't move. If he was honest with himself he knew he couldn’t. 

When morning finally broke, Est fetched a blanket and covered him before slipping quietly out of the apartment.

He drove straight to the pool, his one place of solitude, hoping the water would help him think. He changed and jumped in, strokes cutting through the water, William’s soft broken voice ringing in his ears. 

At the end of his swim, he floated on his back, staring up at the soft blue sky, knowing one thing with absolute certainty.

He didn’t know about soul mates or these strings that William spoke of. He didn’t care that William was in love with someone else, someone who had deeply hurt him with their rejection. He didn’t care that William might never feel the same as him.

All he knew was he couldn’t walk away. Not now, not ever. He’d stay and try his best - to keep William safe, to keep him smiling, to keep him happy. Because even if he meant nothing to William, William meant everything to him.