Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Most of the time Shauna just wants to make Jackie happy. This is not one of those times

“Are you seriously quoting ‘Beaches’ at me right now?” Shauna asked in disbelief

“What… no” Jackie won’t meet her eyes

“I'm not jealous of you Jackie,” a lie, Shauna is very jealous of Jackie. Jealous that Jackie can just ask her for anything and it’ll be granted, as if Shauna was her genie. Shauna’s also jealous of the fact that she just gets to be so beautiful and kind and smart, and popular—okay maybe she feels a little more than jealous.

“I feel sorry for you, because you're weak.” Another lie, Shauna doesn’t think her best friend is actually weak, she knows Jackie is really strong, but the wilderness isn’t the place for people who are strong the way Jackie is. She’s just trying to hit her with whatever she can “And I think deep down, you know it” Shauna’s eerily calm. Jackie flinches. That sends Shauna over the edge, Jackie doesn't get to flinch at her words now when Shauna’s had to stand there and take all of Jackie’s jabs at her, verbal or non-verbal for years.

So, Shauna stabs where she knows it’ll hurt “I'm sure everyone back home is so fucking sad to be losing their perfect little princess, but they'll never know how tragic and boring and insecure you really are.” Jackie flinches again, she looks like she’s on the verge of tears. It's not enough, Shauna won't stop, not after she’s spent night after night crying herself to sleep because of something Jackie said or a look Jackie gave. “Or how high school was the best your life was ever going to get.” That's how she finishes her little rampage, not because she’s not still angry but because she doesn't have any more bad things to say.

Some part of her definitely hates Jackie, but other parts absolutely worship her. Jackie will always be perfect to Shauna but she’s twisting the love and truth of that into something ugly so Jackie can finally feel just a fraction of what Shauna’s felt since 9th grade, since she realized she loved Jackie, and how horrible it was that not 3 days after that realization Jeff asked Jackie out.

January 1993

Shauna is watching Jackie put on her lip-gloss, a new ritual she’s started since Jackie came back from her ski trip a few days ago.

“Do you know Jeff Sadecki?” Jackie says snapping Shauna out of whatever trance she's found herself in for the billionth time since they reunited

“The baseball player?” Shauna furrowed her eyebrows

“Yeah,” Jackie finishes applying her lip-gloss “I saw him at the ski lodge, he asked me if I wanted to go on a date with him,”

Shauna's chest tightened the same way it always did when Jackie would talk about boys, but this time she knew why, “what did you say?”

It’s not fair. She doesn't get to feel this hurt when Shauna is the one who has had to watch Jackie and Jeff, the perfect couple, Homecoming king and queen, and (if it weren't for nationals) Prom king and queen as well. Watch them get crowned at each dance that offered royalty and then share a dance to a song Shauna had helped Jackie pick, because Jeff was useless like always.

October 1995

“If Jeff and I win Homecoming court again we’ll get to pick a song for our dance” Jackie squealed

“You mean when you and Jeff win homecoming court right Jax?” Shauna replied playfully

“Yeah,” Jackie snorted sitting down on the floor next to Shauna’s shoebox full of mixtapes “that's exactly what I meant”

“ Why did you even want to look at my tapes?” Shauna sat down across from Jackie hauling another shoebox “You hate my music”

“I don’t hate your music,” Jackie said picking up ‘I Shall Believe’ by Sheryl Crow “you have some really good songs” she then shoves it into Shauna’s cassette player

Shauna can’t help but laugh just a few minutes ago Jackie had told her Liz Phair was too “Natalie”

It seems like every time I try to make it right it all comes down on me

Please say, honestly, you won’t give up on me

Shauna doesn’t realize she’s been staring until Jackie gets this unreadable look on her face and declares “This one’s perfect”

Jeff was always just kind of there, sometimes he bought Jackie flowers or paid for something he didn't have to. Jeff was like Jackie’s purse to Shauna, and to take control back Shauna secretly wore her purse.

Jeff, pull over 

She kept wearing it trying to see the appeal, but each time she just thought of Jackie. She tried not to but then she’d remember what made her want to wear it in the first place.

Tell me you love me. I won’t hold you to it okay.

“Fuck you.” Jackie replies weakly. She clearly wasn't expecting Shauna to say those things out loud, in front of everyone. Of course she knew she thought those things. There are pages and pages of Shauna thinking those things. Pages Jackie had the misfortune of having read.

She’s such a fucking narcissist. She thinks she can control my life—

A howl breaks Jackie’s train of thought before she can recall more of the resentment Shauna had written in her journal.

“You know what, that’s it” Jackie’s getting worked up now, she’s so angry and she doesn't even know what to do. It’s not really about Jeff right now, even though it feels like it should be “Get out!”

“No.” Shauna’s standing her ground, she won't lose another fight to Jackie, especially not in front of everyone.

“I can't be around you, I... I can't even fucking look at you right now.” Jackie is standing her ground too. It’s not a good call, she regrets the words almost immediately after she’s said them. She doesn’t want Shauna to leave, she wants Shauna to go back to who she was before whatever made Shauna resent her so much. She’s desperate, she would do anything for that Shauna back. She shares a look with Tai and Van.

The thought forms before she can push it away

Why can we just be like Tai and Van

Shauna’s anger starts to dissipate, and the guilt starts creeping back in. It’s as if she’s looking at Jackie for the first time since the crash, like actually looking at her. Jackie’s shaking and her eyes are filled with tears she won't let out yet. All Shauna wants is to take it back now, to make Jackie happy. Happiness isn't really a thing here so, she does the next best thing.

“Fine” Is all she says before grabbing a pillow and blanket. She slams the door shut, she can't believe she’s letting Jackie control her again, but she can't bring herself to go back inside and argue again. She really hates that she let herself lose this fight in front of everyone

“Can’t believe you chose to stay in here since,” Mari breaks the silence inside the cabin “we’re all so crazy” Jackie looks at Shauna through the window, then at Mari

“You were going to kill Travis” Jackie says hollowly as she goes to the bedspread she used to share with Shauna and hopes the other girl isn’t too cold. Shauna’s always run hotter than her, but winter is still coming and fast.

Shauna makes a fire and hopes Jackie’s happy now that she’s outside

The sun is setting deeper now it’ll be dark soon. Nat and Travis come back from their hunting trip.

Travis asks Shauna “Why are you out here?”

Nat chimes in before she can answer “Trouble in paradise?”

Shauna just flips her off and keeps feeding the fire, cold air biting her lungs.

Jackie gives the window one last glance before forcing herself to look away.

They both think about what happened to Van just a few weeks earlier.

They both fall asleep facing the door, hoping the other will come through it.

They both hope a fire will be enough to keep the wolves away.

They both know it’s not.

Chapter Text

The first thing Jackie hears are the barks she wonders if Mr. Farleigh’s dog got out again until she remembers she isn’t anywhere close to home and then a scream, a familiar scream she’s heard countless times at playgrounds and haunted houses over the years. Then it clicks.

Shauna

Surprisingly Jackie is the last one outside. Nat has shot all but one wolf who seems to be clinging to a bundle Shauna next to the fire.

“What are you waiting for shoot it, Nat” Jackie calls out desperately

Nat not in the mood to deal with Jackie being a desperate brat just says “I could hurt her, I need it to move away from her a little”

“Its going to fucking kill her!” Jackie stomps reminiscent of a child throwing a tantrum. Then when she sees that Nat is still not raising the gun it becomes apparent that she doesn't plan on raising it anytime soon, Jackie does the bravest thing she’s done in her entire life.

[insert Jackie vs wolf fight scene] just use your imagination guys (i think I'm funny)

With the wolf finally off of Shauna Jackie can see her face, it’s bloody but it's obvious most of the blood is from her arms, she must've been using them to guard her face.

Shauna’s clutching her stomach now. Jackie looks down frantically remembering what caused their whole situation. Shauna just cries out in pain.

The big brown eyes meet the hazel for the first time since Shauna left the cabin a few hours earlier. “Jackie…” is all Shauna says, reaching up before she passes out.

Jackie is panting, now that the adrenaline has worn off she decides to follow the pain she feels on her ear with her hands.

All she sees is blood on her fingers. The wolf fucking bit her earlobe off.

A chorus of “What the hell, Taylor?!” is the next thing she hears before she passes out.

There are a lot of things floating around in Shauna’s head while she’s trying to fall asleep, but the most prominent one is: “Why in the ever-living fuck did i give in,” a close second to “It’s really cold.”

Then the snow starts and Shauna’s not dumb enough to sleep outside while its snowing so she mutters “fuck this,” and gathers her stuff with trembling fingers until she hears a little growl.

Now the thing that's at the forefront of her mind is Van’s face. Specifically when she was being carried back to the cabin after the wolf attack. Then it’s Jackie’s face (because she’s always thinking of Jackie's face). As the wolf lunges at Shauna, she covers her face with her arms and screams.

All Shauna can think about while this pack of wolves are treating her like a buffet is Jackie and their best times: When she and Jackie went to the beach together sophomore year the day Shauna got her license, when they won their first soccer game together, when they were 8 they went to Florida with the Taylors, when they won States, and especially when they first met in kindergarten.

April 1985

“Good morning kiddos, who wants to say what they did during spring break?” Mrs. Hughes asked the kindergarteners.Jackie’s hand shot up so fast it surprised Mrs. Hughes. “Alright, Jaqueline. What did you do this spring?”

The little girl replied, “So we went to Cape Cod–”

Around this sentence is when Shauna zoned out and started practicing her ABC’s in her head until– 

“And then we went whale watching and one waved at–” and over-excited Jackie blurted out as soon as the teacher asked what else she and her family did while on vacation.

“No one cares!" the little boy in the front row said with an eye roll.

“That’s not a very nice thing to say, Jeffery” Mrs. Hughes scolded as a 6-year old Jackie deflated and sat back in her seat.

Shauna notices of course and she feels bad, her dad always told her that “It’s better to be a good listener than a good talker” so, very very painfully she said “I care,” and Jackie immediately sat up “I wanna hear the rest of the story,” Shauna finished,

Mrs. Hughes gave Shauna a surprised look. This is the most Shauna had spoken the whole school year.

She turned to Jackie and said “Okay, sweetie let's wait until recess and you can tell Shauna the rest of your story okay?” 

Jackie nods violently and gives Shauna a smile. The other girl blushes and smiles as well.

That was the first time she was purposefully on the receiving end of Jaqueline Taylor's smile and she would discover that she’d still chase that high over 10 years later

Shauna has the misfortune of waking up to Misty Quigley stitching the bites on her arm. Her first instinct is to push Misty away but then she realizes that would probably be the dumbest thing ever.

Jackie wakes up shortly after but as soon as she’s reasonably conscious she immediately panics “Shauna!” which–naturally–catches Shauna’s attention causing her to turn away from Misty or more importantly the needle the blond was holding.

Misty start reprimanding Shauna with something about being still, wont heal right, infections but Shauna isnt listening, she's focused on Jackie they have a silent conversation just then

“Are you okay?” is the statement Shauna can figure out through Jackie's rising eyebrows

She means to say, “No. You?” through a slight shake of her head

Jackie then moves her hair to show the missing part of her ear “No.” Shauna assumes,

“Jesus Christ” is written all over Shauna’s face and that's combated with a “Seriously?” frown and up-down look.

Shauna’s throat bobs up and down in a way that makes it clear that she’s thinking about the night before. The morning sun shining a light on their issues like a blacklight and a crime scene. Jackie moves as soon as she sees the guilt creep up onto her best friend's face. She sits next to Shauna and immediately asks Misty “What do we need to do to make sure the stitches don't get infected?”

Misty starts rambling again, but Shauna is focused on whatever the fuck is happening with her stomach. She feels like it should hurt but it doesn’t. Is it the adrenaline? She builds up the courage and interrupts the poodle-haired freak by saying “Something doesn’t feel right” 

It hits Shauna then she complains about a numb push on her stomach. Shauna, assumes that the baby is kicking. Then she gets dizzy, the room is spinning, the only things she has to ground her are the sharp pains in her stomach and Jackie's arms wrapped around her.

Shauna groans, something is wrong, its a different kind of pain, and then she feels it.

Blood. She shakes Jackie.

“I’m bleeding” is all Shauna’s hoarse voice can manage and that snaps Jackie into action.

Jackie sits up straight, sees Shauna grabbing her stomach and immediately understands that something is definitely wrong.

“Misty can help,” Jackie thinks as Misty calls for Crystal. Or was it Kristen? It doesn't matter, the only thing that matters is that Shauna is okay. Misty did help coach Scott and he is okay minus a leg, so Misty can help Shauna. Misty can help the baby.

They're moving Shauna to the attic. She likes it quiet. It'll be better up there.

When Shauna is already up there Jackie comes back down to get the blankets and water.

Shauna screams

Jackie races up before the scream as a whole is out of Shauna's mouth. She’s going to be here for Shauna even if she wasn't always. Jackie holds Shauna’s hand. It reminds Jackie of fathers in tv shows holding the mother’s hands while they give birth. Jackie lets herself wonder if she and Shauna would raise the baby together, if they would teach it to walk and talk together, maybe pick its name. 

Would the baby do sports? Soccer? No, definitely not soccer. If it did, would they go to its practices together? Hold hands? Cheer for it? Make up chants like Ms. Shipman did for them?

Jackie knows she's getting ahead of herself, I mean they are still stuck out here in God knows where, but she feels responsible for this baby somehow.

She doesn’t know why she’s picturing herself as the other parent. If anything, it should be Jeff. 

Shauna and Jeff.

That’s not how it was supposed to go, according to Jackie’s life plan. They would get married at the same time, pregnant at the same time and their kids would be best friends too. The part where they do it together is most important to Jackie. Jackie loves Shauna, she doesn't know if Shauna will want to do these things with Jackie anymore. Or if she ever did. 

What if Shauna doesn't even want her here?

What if Shauna doesn't want Jackie’s help with the baby?

So why is Jackie picturing herself beside Shauna? Is it just because Jeff isn't here?

A sharp squeeze accompanied by a yell pushes the questions away for another day. Jackie snaps her attention back to the matter at hand.

Shauna is giving birth. Now.

Then something stringy and veiny comes out of Shauna instead of a baby.

Shauna isn't giving birth. She’s miscarrying.

Shauna sees it too and looks at Jackie with her eyes teary and wide with realization.

Another scream came when a little lump leaves Shauna. Jackie sees Shauna crying. She's not crying out of pain anymore, it's from loss. Shauna and Jackie embrace each other. Jackie cries silently trying to be a rock for Shauna. Shauna weeps. It reminds Jackie of when they were playing on the monkey bars and Shauna fell and broke her arm. They were 8 then and that was the last time Jackie had seen Shauna cry that hard.

June 1987

“Shauna!” Jackie shouts running over

Shauna just lays there screaming while her arm is bent the wrong way. Her mom is already coming over.

“This is why I told you girls to stop doing tricks on the monkey bars, good thing it wasn't you Jackie” Marilyn Taylor says just out of Deb Shipman’s earshot, dragging Jackie away

When Jackie realizes they’re leaving she looks up at her mom and says “Why can’t we go to the hospital with her?”

Crystal steps away from them. She tries to get Misty to leave but she won't budge. Jackie looks at her.

Misty looks paralyzed and afraid like somehow she did this. 

Did she? 

No she couldn't because Misty has nothing to do with Shauna’s pregnancy.

Lottie told Jackie that this baby was going to change everything. What does that mean now that It’s gone?

Lottie also said Jackie didnt matter anymore so she can go fuck herself.

Shauna continues sobbing in Jackie’s arms until Nat and Travis are back from their hunt.

No one speaks when they finally come back down from the attic. They all heard the sobs.

All throughout the night all you can hear is Jackie cuddling close to an unconscious Shauna and whispering everything she wishes she could have said chief among them is ¨I´m sorry¨ and ¨I love you¨ because she feels those are the most important ones right now. She apologizes for everything she can think of: Not letting Shauna speak, making her go to parties, join soccer, and wear things she didn’t want to.

Shauna only hears a handful of the dozen apologies Jackie mumbles through the night, but one sticks out to her.

¨I´m so sorry, I should’ve never made Jeff drop me off first.”

Shauna just cries harder

Chapter Text

The first thing Shauna thinks when she wakes up on the surface of the frozen lake is: “What the hell?”

“Mommy! Mommy!” a little boy shouts from a distance

Shauna turns and sees him. She knows it’s him. She’d recognise him anywhere. He has short blonde hair and piercing brown eyes. 

He has Shauna’s nose

He’s wrapped in a nice winter coat and boots and he’s completely her son

She knows from instinct

Another, taller, figure appears behind the little boy, and picks him up.

Jackie.

She also knows this from instinct.

Even though she’s too far, she can recognize Jackie anywhere.

Jackie puts the little boy on her hip and yells “C’mon, Shipman” with a wave. She signals the little boy to wave too. He does so enthusiastically and Jackie’s head falls back with a laugh.

Shauna smiles at the sight and starts walking towards them. 

They keep getting farther and farther from her.

She tries to run and yells for Jackie. Shauna starts running harder. 

They won’t slip away from her. 

The harder she runs, the more pressure is on the ice.

It splinters. She doesn’t care.

Shauna is practically stomping to get to them. The harder she tries to run, the worse the cracking gets. He and Jackie are so far away now and she can’t see them. 

Shauna stops running.

She feels the ice start to give in

“Boo!” the little boy says behind her and as soon as she turns to look at him

The ice breaks.

All she can see is him peeking through the hole Shauna fell through

She tries to swim up but something is anchoring her.

Shauna looks down

Theres nothing there.

She feels familiar hands grab and pull her up. Jackie lets her breathe for a moment but when Shauna is about to thank her, Jackie just says “You’re too late, Shaun”

Early in the morning Shauna wakes up and immediately feels a sense of emptiness. She’s supposed to be happy about this. That she didn’t have to go through birth in winter in the middle of nowhere. That she won’t have to see her baby starve to death like everyone else is. 

She turns and sees Jackie sleeping peacefully next to her. She goes down the attic stairs and finds Nat, Travis and Lottie doing their weird ass morning blood ritual. She decides to ask “Any sign of him yet?” 

Nat and Travis shake their heads. Lottie says “No but he’s alive. I can feel it.” Nat gets a weird look on her face and Travis’ eyes light up. It’s clear Nat doesn’t believe he’s alive.

All Shauna does is nod non-committedly and grab a cup to dunk in the water bucket.

Nat tells Travis to go ahead of her and that she’ll catch up. She turns toward Lottie and they start to have an animated conversation that Shauna is too exhausted to even attempt to eavesdrop on.

She turns toward the attic again. On her way she sees a little half-finished toy Javi was working on.

A few days before doomcoming

Shauna and Javi are sitting together by the fireplace. The butcher is scrubbing her hands from her time in the meat shed. Javi’s eyebrows are furrowed as he chips away at a block of wood with a smaller, duller knife than what Shauna used a few minutes ago

Shauna is staring at the boy. How can he be so determined to carve into the wood with such a dull knife

Javi feels her eyes on him. He looks up and offers it up for Shauna to look at, “It’s for the baby,” he said like it was the simplest thing in the world, “I don’t want it to not have toys.”\

Shauna grabs it with still bloodstained hands and asks “What is it?”

“A surprise.” Javi answered with a smile on his face

Shauna chuckles and hands it back saying “Then it better be surprising”

 It’s not a surprise anymore. It’s clearly supposed to be a wolf. 

Shauna stares at it. 

She grabs it and goes upstairs. She hugs the little wood toy until she falls asleep again. 

Jackie wakes up to Crystal’s unending singing. 

She isn’t even singing regular songs. Jackie thinks the songs are from musicals but she really wouldn’t know if they were. The only musical Jackie had ever seen was ‘The Wizard of Oz’ at Shauna’s request. 

She goes downstairs and everyone is staring at her. 

“Is something going on?” she asks

“Javi’s missing,” Lottie answered for the group, “and it snowed.”

Oh

Yeah Jackie vaguely remembers it snowing but she can’t really remember registering it. She walks outside and everything is covered in snow. Including the pillow and blanket Shauna had left outside.

What would have happened if the wolves hadn't come? Would Shauna have frozen to death? Would she feel the snow and come back inside? Would she have died from the temperature even before the snow? 

Everyone else slept outside after doomcoming. Would Jackie be the only one alive if it had snowed yesterday?

She closes the door before the cold seeps into her skin.

She looks back and everyone is staring at her like they want her to do something. As if she could just wish the snow away, or make it disappear with the wave of her hand.

Lottie begins to stand but suddenly the attic door opens and Shauna climbs out. She does spare anyone a glance and walks straight out of the door, only to come back a few seconds later with the frozen pillow and blanket. 

Shauna plops them down near the fire to defrost and immediately goes back upstairs. 

Jackie looks around one more time at the expectant eyes and decides that Shauna is more important than whatever is happening here.

Shauna’s silently crying when Jackie gets back to the attic.

When she sees the other girl standing there, she forces a smile and asks if Jackie saw the snow.

Jackie just moves. She starts to hug Shauna, and the butcher just starts silently sobbing again.

“I thought I would be happy if it happened this way.” Shauna cries into the crook of Jackie’s neck

“I’m so sorry, Shippy.” Jackie is searching for anything that might comfort her. Shauna likes silence so Jackie just rubs her back and holds her.

 “I don’t know how to do this without you.” Shauna admits after an unknown amount of time.

“You won’t have to,” Jackie says wholeheartedly. Then the thoughts seep back in: She doesn’t actually want you here, why would she want an insecure loser to comfort her?

“We’ll get through this together,” Jackie says echoing the words she first said when she found out Shauna was pregnant

“Good.” Shauna replies instantly “I can’t picture my life without you, Jax”

Did Jackie hear that right? She has to mean that in the way Jackie thinks right? No, Shauna wants Jeff.

You don’t even like him!

And how would you know?!

What if she doesn't want Jeff? No no no. Jackie won’t be delusional about this. She doesn’t even want Shauna. Right? No yeah obviously she doesn’t that would because that would mean that Jackie’s a dyke gay, which she isn’t.

 Jackie is a lot of things: Shauna’s best friend, tragic, the Yellowjackets team captain, boring,  Homecoming Queen, insecure. Gay doesn’t fit with–most–of those words. Does she love Shauna? Of course she does, that’s why she imagined helping her best friend raise the baby. Because she loves her and doesn’t want her to suffer as a single mom like Deb. 

Ms. Shipman is a great mom, but even Jackie knows that sometimes it was a struggle. That's totally why. And that’s why Shauna just said she couldn’t see her life without Jackie, because she knows she would help. Totally. 

Shauna wants Jackie to stay with her during this time because nothing is familiar. When Shauna is better she will give Shauna the distance she wants. This is Jackie’s last time getting to be Shauna’s best friend and she won’t fuck it up. 

Jackie knows she was a bit suffocating back home but that’s because she didn’t want Shauna to get hurt. She will be the opposite of suffocating when Shauna doesn’t need her anymore.

What’s the opposite of suffocating? Well whatever it is, that’s what Jackie will be. Jackie will be whatever Shauna needs her to from here on out. 

She hopes Shauna will need her.