Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"What even is that!?" Honeydew looked at the board in confusion.

"Math?" Glass tilted her head. "Do you not know what math is?"

"Apparently not! What kind of nonsense is this!?"

"It's how we calculate rocket launches," Glass explained. "And how we calculate lots of basic things."

"Well then you humans are stupid, because this is so dumb and overcomplicated," Honeydew huffed. "Jean wouldn't even know what this is, and she's like, one of our smartest people."

Chapter Text

Hoshi smiled at the girl in front of her. The girl was incredibly small, probably no older than four, and entirely alone.

Dandelion tilted her head. “Hewwo!”

Hoshi waved. “Hello, little one, where are your parents?”

“My papa said to wait here for him," Dandelion fidgeted with her hair. “But it feels like it's been a while."

Hoshi looked around. This place was definitely not a safe place to leave a child. She should probably bring the poor girl to the Knights.

“. . . Here, you can come with me. I’ll take you to the Knights and then they will help you find him, okay?” Hoshi offered her hand to the girl.

“Oh. Okay!” Dandelion smiled and grabbed her hand.

"What is your papa's name?" Hoshi asked as they walked.

"His name's Ichor!"

Hoshi choked. Ichor? Her brother-in-law? The boy who married her brother? that Ichor? Left a poor child out here alone? WHAT!?

Chapter Text

“Candles are delicious,” Socks grinned, wiping the excess wax off of their face. "Very squishy and crunchy at the same time, and the scented ones taste the best."

“You’re not supposed to eat them,” Alan glared. “They’re FOR. THE. ANNIVERSARY. DATE.”

“For your date, and for my stomach,” Socks grabbed a handful of candles.

Put them down, or I’ll curse you and your wife with infertility and ruin,” Alan deadpanned.

“You wouldn’t…” Socks hissed, knowing full well that the mage would do it in a heartbeat.

“Wanna bet on that, demon?” Alan pulled his wand out of his coat pocket.

Socks set the candles down and scurried off.

"Finally," Alan sighed. "That annoying fucking creature, always messing with things. Why do my kids like them so much?"

Chapter Text

Fate kissed Ruby’s forehead. “Good morning, my dear, the sun has risen.”

Ruby smiled up at them. “Hey there, gorgeous.”

Fate smiled, climbing into the bed and running a clawed hand through the girl’s hair. “Did you sleep well, my darling?”

Ruby nodded. “Yeah, and I had a wonderful dream. It was about you, and you looked very pretty in it.”

Fate purred. “Good. Having good dreams is crucial to having good sleep.” They kissed the girl’s forehead again. “I'm also flattered that they were about me.”

Ruby nuzzled into the pillow. “Mhm… Now gimme five more minutes of sleep, I stayed up way too late last night.”

Fate chuckled. “Five more minutes it is. But let me up, I have to go get breakfast ready.”

"Nooooo, staaaay," Ruby whined. "You're warm and comfy."

Fate stroked Ruby's hair. "Fine, fine, I'll stay, you silly thing."

Chapter Text

“I need a break!” Ichor flopped onto the couch. “Torturing souls all day is tiring!”

“Try sorting souls and being in charge of all of the Dark Realm,” Bitter looked up from his work. “There’s dragonfruit on the coffee table.”

“Thank yooooou!” Ichor grabbed the bowl of fruit. “Mmm…”

“Eat all of it, I need to get rid of all the fruit in the fridge soon before it all rots,” Bitter set his quill down. “And rest, for once. That’s an order from your creator.”

Ichor mockingly saluted from where he was laying. “Sure, boss.”

“And for the love of fuck can you please not leave dragonfruit leaves all over the place again? They’re annoying.”

“Yes dear.”

Chapter Text

“Humans are an odd sort of creature,” Melon mused, tossing a rock into the pond. “They scurry around like sandwyrms, and they go insane if they’re left alone for too long. They’re sensitive to temperatures, with no really effective ways to protect them from falling, or getting hit by something.”

Elly nodded. “They’re cute though. Very small and squishy and squeaky.”

“Yeah, still odd though,” Melon stroked the bird next to them. “Even more so than Madam Squiggle the duck.”

“Yeah, I guess they are kind of odd, like seeing nettlewood in a swamp, or sandwyrms in a forest.”

“Smart though, I guess. They do a lot of things you wouldn’t expect them to be able to. Like making those plane thingies.”

"Or those big tall buildings that don't fall over in the wind," Elly added. "Or those cool, fast metal things they use to travel on the ground."

"I like their art, they're very creative with paint and ink," Melon smiled. "It's really fun to look at."

"Ooh! Yeah! Like that one that guy painted with all the swoops and the weird stars!"

Chapter Text

“That looks extremely painful,” Butters commented, watching Feathers stick himself with his insulin pen.

“You get used to it… eventually. I envy Honeydew though. She only has to stick herself once a day with her estrogen,” Feathers grumbled. “I have to stick myself anytime I eat anything that tastes remotely good because I get the "rapid-acting" type. Stupid f*cking medicine.”

Butters inhaled through her teeth. “Ouch. I pity you there.”

“Pity is for weaklings and children, thank you. And I am neither weak, nor a child,” Feathers glared at the woman.

“And you, apparently,” Butters grinned after she said that. “All the kiddos say it to you.”

“SHUT YOUR MOUTH.”

Butters cackled.

Chapter Text

“You humans disgust me,” Bitter growled, gently stroking Cedle’s head. “You have no regard for other life. Only. Your. Own.”

Bitter leaned back in his throne, taking the staff Ichor handed to him. “Dearest, if you could go watch over Dee, please?”

Ichor nodded, shooting the humans a pitying look, before Bitter kissed his forehead and he walked away through the double doors.

“Now then,” Bitter shooed the small creature off of his lap, standing to his full height, which towered over the humans. “Now we begin your punishment.”

The humans trembled at the sight of him, one of the First Ones, the creators of their world and everything in it, and he was MAD.

Bitter was tall, towering over the humans and casting a shadow over them, glaring down at them like they'd insulted his entire (non-existent) ancestry. "You don't deserve any form of mercy from me for what you have DONE."

Chapter Text

“Muah!” Elly pressed her and Melon’s dolls together to make them kiss. “Now I’ve saved you from the evil wizard’s curse!”

“Yay! Now I’m saved!” Melon moved the doll’s arms to hug Elly’s doll. “I love you, and now we’re gonna get married and have a bunch of kids, and live in my castle,”

Elly grabbed a third doll. “This is the… uh… the person that gets the people married."

“The officiant, I think it’s called,” Melon looked out the window. “Now we have to make their wedding venue… let’s go outside!”

“Yeah!” Elly giggled. "We're gonna make a wedding!"

"Yay!"

Chapter Text

Fate purred at the girl in their lap. “Your hair is so soft, child. Your fathers take such good care of it.”

Dandelion giggled. “Mhm! And Papa braided it! It’s got flowers in it!”

Fate smiled. “Bitter did a good job.”

“Mhm! Papa’s the bestest at it! The bestest in the whole world!”

“Yeah, he used to braid your auntie’s hair, when they were younger. He put flowers in her hair, too.”

“Wow! Were auntie's braids like mine?”

“Mm, I think yours are bubble braids. Your auntie always got fishtail braids,” Fate set a flower on Dandelion’s nose. “There, perfect.”

Dandelion giggled.

Chapter Text

“Noodley littlest Noodle babyy~” Alan said in a sing-song voice, booping the snake’s snout. “My tiniest little baaabyy!”

He set the snake down off the table. “Alright, silly time is over, go on now, I have to wrap this present for your Papa.”

He set the present on the wrapping paper, slowly and meticulously wrapping it in shiny blue wrapping paper.

“Leo is going to love this!” Alan smiled. “What do you think, Noodle?”

The snake raised its head and made a noise.

“Exactly. I put way too much thought into it for him to not love it, it's even wrapped in his favorite color. This is going to be the best gift since I gave him Jacob.”

Noodle stuck her tongue out at him.

“Jacob was a gift, thank you very much! I spent nine months making that boy, and he is absolutely perfect!”

Noodle slithered away.

"Don't you sass me!"