Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Wilhelm awoke with a gasp, being pulled violently out of his dream. It was one that he had been having often, almost every night since Erik had died. He was stuck watching him die, unable to do anything to stop the course of the world.

Tonight had been no different, except when he woke up he wasn’t in his own bed. He looked over next to him and saw Simon, sleeping peacefully. Wilhelm was almost jealous of him. Carefully, he reached out to Simon’s bedside table, and grabbed his phone. The time flashed up at him. 3:47a.m. There was almost no sense in trying to fall back to sleep. These nightmares often left a lasting feeling of anxiety that he couldn’t shake for hours.

After a few moments of deliberation about what to do next, he finds himself sliding out of bed, hoping to make it out without waking his sleeping boyfriend. It was the last thing he wanted to do. Simon already had to deal with enough, he wasn’t about to ruin his sleep.

The rest of the house is quiet, presumably everyone had been asleep for hours. Wille takes a seat on the couch, hoping that scrolling on his phone would be a good enough distraction.

He isn’t sure how long he’s sitting there before he hears a door open. Looking up, his eyes meet Linda’s. She looks shocked to see him at first but the shock quickly turns into concern.

“What are you doing out here?” She asks as she takes a seat next to him.

“Nightmare.” He answered with a shrug.

“Oh, love. Do you have them a lot?”

“They’ve been happening a lot more since my brother died.” Wille isn’t sure what makes him admit to it. Something about Linda had always been so comforting and soft. He didn’t stand a chance. “They aren’t that bad, they just make me feel really anxious. I don’t really know why.”

Linda only hums in acknowledgement.

“I’ll be right back.” She says as she stands up from her seat on the couch.

Wilhelm watches in confusion as she walks into the kitchen. He can’t see her from where he is seated but he can hear her rummaging about the room. She comes back minutes later with two mugs in her hand.

“What’s this?” Wilhelm asks, getting handed one of the mugs.

“Hot cocoa.” She answers. “Nothing better to settle your thoughts like a nice warm drink.”

“You didn’t have to do this.” Wilhelm protests, suddenly feeling embarrassed.

“It’s really no problem.”

The two sit in silence as they sip on their drinks. Eventually, Wilhelm sets his mug down and finds himself able to relax a bit, on the couch next to Linda. The calm of the situation eventually lulls him back to sleep.

“Goodnight Wille,” Linda says softly, placing a kiss on the boy's forehead.

Chapter Text

Leaving was necessary. It's something that Wilhelm finds himself repeating over and over. It was necessary for things to change. Necessary for Simon. Necessary for freedom. There was no world where Wilhelm stayed trapped in a life that wasn’t his and he wasn’t happy. Some part of him always knew that, realistically, the only answer was leaving. Though, he couldn’t help but find himself missing a life that was so different from the one he was currently living.

A life from way before his entire relationship was leaked. A life from before Erik had died. A life before sending him to Hillerska was even a thought.

Most days, he didn’t miss it, enjoying his new life with Simon and his friends. But sometimes, the night got a little too quiet and the memories became a little too loud.

It started as it always did. Missing Erik was a common thing. He and Wille had grown up together, always allies in a world that was much too stressful for people their age. Erik had always been able to read Wille better than anyone, sensing whenever situations caused him to get overstimulated and anxious. It happened a lot at the formal dinners the boys were forced to attend.

There was one in particular not long after Wilhelm’s 14th birthday, it was for some charity that Wilhelm couldn’t be bothered to remember the name of. It seemed as though as soon as one person was walking away from him, another was eager to start a conversation with him. He had grown good at playing the part but sometimes it was harder to keep the mask in place.

Erik could see it slipping from across the room.

In a matter of moments, he was by Wille’s side.

“Want to get out of here?” he had whispered to Wille, who nodded – wanting nothing more than to get out of that room.

After excusing the two of them from the latest conversation that Wilhelm had been trapped into, they managed to sneak out into the halls of the castle without turning any heads.

The halls were much quieter compared to the dining hall that had been bustling with conversation. Wilhelm could feel himself relaxing immediately without the constant eyes on him.

“There’s something that I’ve been meaning to show you.” Erik said with a smile, leading Wille through the winding halls. He had lived there his entire life but still somehow found himself finding new things all the time.

Apparently, Erik experienced the same.

He had ended up leading Wille outside, into one of the many gardens.

“I was out here the other night,” Erik told Wille. “I figured I’d wait until the moon was full so you can get the best experience. Look, the moon perfectly lines up with that circle on the gate over there.”

“It’s really pretty.” Wille commented.

“I know how much you enjoy looking at the stars. Figured this was the best escape for you.”

“How did you even know?”

“Oh, come on, Wille.” He said with a small chuckle. “You’re my brother. I know you better than everyone.”

Wilhelm was pulled from his head when he heard Simon sit up next to him. He had forgotten that Simon was there.

He had forgotten where he really was.

“Oh, love, what’s going on?” Simon said, voice still laced with sleep as he wrapped his arms around Wille. “Are you crying?”

Wilhelm brought his hand up to his cheek, it was wet. “Oh.”

“What’s going on? Talk to me.” Simon’s voice was gentle, like if he talked too loud, Wille would break completely in his arms.

“I miss him,” he admitted.

“Oh, sweetheart.”

“It’s so stupid. I miss a home that isn’t even there anymore. It hasn’t been since the day Erik died. Leaving was my only option but I miss what it used to be, before…everything.” He admitted as more tears tracked down his cheeks. “Everything is so much better now. I feel more at home, here with you, than I ever did there. It feels so ridiculous to still miss it so much.”

“It’s only natural that you miss it.” Simon reassured him. “That was your whole life.”

“I wish both lives could’ve existed at the same time and I wish Erik was still here.”

Erik would know how to make everything better. He always did.

“I just wish I could know if he was okay with the decisions that I’ve made.”

“I know I never met him,” Simon said. “But from everything you’ve told me, I know that he would want you to be happy. No matter what. Do you regret this?”

“No.” Wilhelm responded firmly. “Living my life how I want is not something that I will ever regret. Choosing you is something that I won’t ever regret. Choosing myself is something I can’t regret. And I don’t.”

“Good.” Simon nodded. “I hope you always continue to choose yourself.”

Chapter Text

Old habits die hard, at least that’s what Wilhelm was always told. So far, it seems to be true. The holidays had always been hard. When he was younger, it often meant many public appearances that he never enjoyed. As he got older and left the crown, his disdain for that time of year only grew. What was supposed to be a time full of love and happiness was filled with a loneliness he couldn’t even begin to explain. He was told it would get easier with time.

It didn’t.

He still found himself slipping back into old habits that he had tried to shake. The first year, it had been an accident. Erik had been dead for over a year at that point, but Wilhelm had still accidentally picked out a gift for him. He hadn’t even realized what he had done until the box showed up at his door.

Since then, with every Christmas that followed, Wille intentionally got his brother a gift. It was always something with meaning – something that he knew his brother would’ve loved if he had ever gotten the chance to open them. The first year it was a snowglobe, similar to the one Erik had given him before he moved into Hillerska, but this one had a car similar to the one Erik had owned. He loved that car. That had always felt ironic to Wille. The second year it was a framed picture of Wilhelm, Simon, and the pet cat that Linda had adopted that the boys had claimed as their own. A family photo, they had called it. Wille knew that Erik would’ve set it on his desk with all of the other pictures that he had. Each one shows an important person in his life. There had been quite a few of Erik and Wille.

This year felt different. It was now five Christmases without Erik. An anniversary of sorts. The box sat unopened on his lap. Heavy with the weight of loss. Once a boy who never imagined he would have to go through life without his brother was now a young man who couldn’t let him go. The gifts became a yearly tradition to make sure his brother was never forgotten.

This year, the gift was a watch. Erik had always worn one, one that Wilhelm himself wore daily. The watch was, by far, the most expensive of the gifts. There was a small engraving on the back, it simply read “forever” in Wille’s handwriting.

Sighing, Wilhelm finally builds up the courage to pull the packing tape off of the box. Slowly opening the packaging until it’s just the small velvet box in his hands. It was a dark navy blue. Erik’s favorite. Inside, the watch was perfect. It came out just like Wille had wanted. It was perfect and for a moment, Wille forgot that Erik would never receive it. But he knew.

Erik would’ve loved it.

Chapter Text

The two boys sat together in silence, Wilhelm was nose deep in whatever book he was reading and Erik was deep inside his own head. After many moments had passed, Wilhelm finished the last page of his book before closing it and setting it down next to him. He looked over at his brother, who he had forgotten was even sitting next to him.

“You’ve been quiet over there,” he pointed out. “What are you thinking about?”

Erik just shrugged. Wille studied his brother's face, his expression is unreadable. It wasn’t often that Erik got like this – quiet, distant, almost distracted. Wille hated it. 

“Are you excited to be done with school? Forever, too!” Wille exclaimed, trying to draw some sort of reaction out of his brother. Still, nothing. He sighed. “Erik, talk to me. What’s going on?”

“What do you mean? Nothing is going on.” Erik tried to play dumb, hoping that Wille would give up and drop the subject. Ever stubborn, Wille persisted on. 

“You can’t lie to me like that. I’ve known you my whole life.” It was something he said whenever he was trying to annoy his brother, but now it held a weight that it normally didn’t.

They knew each other too well, something was wrong. 

“Do you ever wish that you could just disappear? Pack up and leave everything behind?” Erik asked suddenly, as he stared straight out in front of him. 

Wilhelm nodded truthfully. He understood that. It was something that someone who didn’t live this life wouldn’t understand. Out of the two of them, Wilhelm has always been less keen on the idea of being a prince. Erik has always been his shield. At the end of the day, all eyes will be on Erik, since he’s the Crown Prince. Wille has always been able to hide when he needed it. Erik hadn’t. He had to show himself to the world, whether it was something he wanted to or not.

 It was the price they paid for having this life. 

“I just wish I could leave. Maybe start over where nobody knows me. Maybe go somewhere and never have to talk to a single person ever again,” Erik continued, fully aware that he was just rambling now. “I don’t know. That probably doesn’t even make sense.” He let out a humorless laugh.

“It does,” Wille reassured, understanding his brother completely. “I often dream about having control over my own life and where I’d end up, you know? Maybe I’d be an author. I just wish I could be the one to decide.”

“Why did we have to live our lives in public?” Erik asked, running his hands through his hair. “This isn’t fair.”

It never would be. They both knew that they were stuck in this life, even if they tried to leave. The shadow of it would follow them everywhere. 

“Maybe in the next life.” Erik said as he stood up. “I’ll see you at dinner later.”