Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It would’ve been easy for me to go through my life without ever really knowing Chihaya Anon. There’s no reason that she needed to become a part of my story.

Maybe you could say that it was fate that forged a connection between us, but that was a concept that I had never liked. No, it could only be called a coincidence. A series of coincidences even, that had led to us first meeting, to her joining a band with Tomori, to her involvement with everything that happened to Ave Mujica, and then to today.

I value my alone time. It’s not always easy to find, between school, Ave Mujica, and home life with Uika. And so, the music classroom had become something of a safe haven for me. 

Two days a week, for the hour between the end of lessons and the beginning of the wind ensemble’s rehearsal, I had the brief opportunity to be alone with the piano.

Or, I should.

“Just pretend that I’m not here, I’ll be quiet!”

Anon's voice rang out as she suddenly pushed her way into the room and pulled up a seat nearby.

I removed my hands from the piano keys, brow wrinkling in distaste as I turned to face her. She was the kind of person that I struggled with. Sloppy, overly energetic, and with a mouth that never seemed to stop moving. The kind of pretty and popular girl that could easily handle being the center of attention, and struggled whenever she was not.

To be honest, my few interactions with her left me sure that her promise of quiet would not be upheld. And even if it was, I did not come here to play for an audience.

“What are you doing?”

I did my best to keep my tone even, not to let my annoyance shine through, though I doubted someone like her would pick up on it even if I did.

“Oh, Tomori’s got some club business to take care of, so I have some time to kill. I heard you playing, so I thought I’d come by to listen.”

Anon laughed, airy and carefree. It must be nice to be so laid back, able to do what you want on a whim. 

I wouldn’t say that I would ever want to be her, but perhaps I find that a little enviable.

“So you just expect me to entertain you? I’ll have to refuse.”

“Aww, it’s not a big deal.”

“It is a big deal. How would you like it if someone insisted on listening in while you were practising?”

“You’re already so good though, it’s not like you need more practice.”

“That attitude makes me worry for your band.”

She pouts, then stands from her chair, steps closer, and clasps her hands together.

“Pretty please?”

I catch a faint, sweet scent in the air that doesn’t belong to me. It gets on my nerves.

“No. I’m sure there are plenty of other ways you can spend your time.”

“Saki, you’re so cold.”

Well, it is Autumn. My mood simply suits the season. Regardless, she presses on.

“Come on, what if I pay you back somehow?”

“I don’t want your money, Anon.”

“Not like that, I mean I can do something for you in return. Like a favour?”

I quirk my eyebrow as she takes another small step closer. I’m fairly sure that her skirt is shorter than what’s technically allowed under the school’s rules, but I guess girls like her enjoy flaunting what they’ve got for everyone. The thought makes me cross my legs in discomfort.

“What kind of favour?”

“I dunno, anything.”

A sigh drifts from my lips as I think. My precious time is wasting away. She's not going to leave unless I do something about it. And so, I hold out my hand, palm facing downward. On one of my fingers sits an unremarkable silver ring, one that Uika had gifted me (Though she nervously insisted that she “Didn’t mean it like that,”).

“Kiss it.”

There was no particular reason for my choice, beyond it being the first thing to drift through my mind that I thought she might refuse. A show of deference, respect, and submission. Something demeaning.

It gives her a second of pause at least, enough time for me to think that I might have won, and yet then,

“… Okay.”

Her voice was small, but all the same she slowly lowers herself down onto her knees, and then stares at my hand with surprising intensity.

A strange shiver runs down my spine once, then again when she gently takes hold of my wrist and guides my hand closer to her mouth. 

I feel a breath, warm in contrast to the cold classroom, brush over my skin.

Then there’s a soft sensation.

Her lips touch my fingers.

I’ve had women bow and scrape for me before, but that was on stage, where the almighty power of the scripts I wrote bound us all. Here, I had no idea of how to react, no lines or stage directions to guide my next move.

Why would Anon do something like that, and so easily? She didn’t have to. Surely there was so much else she could have done if she really needed to waste her time? Why demean herself like this? And again, there was no script to control her, no reason that she should have to do this for me.

It wasn’t as if she needed me, or even particularly wanted me. This was just a whim. Random chance that made her stop by. But what reason could there be?

Unless this only seemed meaningful in any way to me? Perhaps, for her, doing something like this was nothing. Just a silly game between acquaintances that she would forget come tomorrow. No one else would ever know about it of course, so did it even matter? Did it mean anything? Surely it should to us. Maybe the symbolism is lost on her. Maybe she just truly doesn't care.

“You’re shameless.”

I breathe out, and a small smile flashes across her lips as she looks up at me. We’re close enough that I can see every out of place strand of her hair, the pale skin of her neck peeking out from her loose uniform collar, and the faint dusting of red across her cheeks. 

And then, there’s a warm and moist sensation on my fingers as her tongue slides against them. She laps at me slowly, over my ring, pressing between my fingers. I clench my teeth as a knot forms in my stomach. It’s warm, and soft, and I can’t fight the feeling that all of a sudden we’re doing something incredibly indecent.

I yank my hand away, but her grip on my wrist doesn’t let me go far as she stares up at me with big eyes.

“Don’t do that. I just told you to kiss it.”

She laughs, then nods, and leans in to give one last soft kiss. The knot in my stomach doesn't loosen at all.

I don’t think I’ll ever understand how a girl like this thinks. There’s probably no point even trying.

“Did you like that?”

She sounds as bright as ever. I wipe my fingers on my skirt, trying to remove that wet and sticky feeling that still clung to them.

“No. It was disgusting.”

She laughs again as I turn back to the piano. Disgusting or not, a deal was a deal.

“Make sure you stay quiet.”

I murmur as she returns to her seat. My fingers settle on the cold keys of the piano, and then in an instant the room is filled with sombre sound.

To my surprise, she really does manage to stay quiet right up until I finish.

~~~

I spend the rest of that day, and then the next, turning over the events of that afternoon.

Maybe I was being ridiculous.

Maybe none of it meant anything.

Maybe I should just forget about it.

And yet, the sensation of her lips, and of her tongue, on my skin has lodged itself deep into my memory. Phantom pinpricks dance across my skin as I try to sleep, keeping me up well into the night. 

It was disgusting, of course. Getting her slobber all over my hand. I had told her as much. And yet, I found that I didn't dislike it as much as I should have.

Instead it just made me feel strange. Made me feel things that I couldn't identify. Or maybe just didn't want to. And yet I couldn't stop thinking about it.

Hesitantly, as the moon shines down through my loft’s window, I raise my hand up to my own mouth. I breathe against it, then let my lips and tongue press forward. But it’s not the same, and all it really achieves is settling a lump of shame deep into my gut. 

The next day, when I again return to the music classroom and sit myself down behind the piano, the door is once again pushed open.

I’m not entirely sure what it is I feel as I watch her enter the room and walk over to me. It’s not surprise, or at least not entirely.

But regardless, I know that from now on this is something that will bind us. Something so ephemeral and fragile, but undeniably real. As long as I agree to play for her, she’ll do me a favour. Any favour, or she claimed.

Anon Chihaya, this popular, pretty, and strange girl. Part of me is desperate to test her, to see just how much control she’d really allow me. But at the same time, there’s only one thing I can even think to ask.

I hold out my hand, palm facing downward, and say in a breathy whisper,

“Kiss it.”

Chapter Text

Sakiko is an interesting girl. She always has been, but I’d never really had an excuse to spend time with her regularly up until now. I mean, who would’ve thought that this was the kinda stuff she was into?

Or, well, maybe that should have been obvious, given all the… what was it that Soyorin had called it… “theatrical homoeroticism” in Ave Mujica’s concerts. Oh my gosh, I mean, the way Amoris and Mortis are always all over each other? They absolutely fill the air with sexual tension. I don’t know how Mutsumi keeps a straight face, if Nyamuchi did some of that stuff to me I’d swoon on the spot.

I’m getting a bit off topic. Anyway.

Saki and I had met up a few times at this point, always following the same little arrangement of her playing the piano in exchange for me doing one request (and so far, those requests had always been to kiss her ring). After our second time, she’d sent me a brief message outlining her schedule for visiting the music room (though if I were being honest I already knew (that sounds a little creepier than I meant it to, I’d just noticed the days when I tended to hear her playing after school)), and making it very clear that I was not allowed to tell anyone about anything she asked me to do.

A little harsh, but fair. I mean, she’s practically a celebrity. Having another girl lick your hands is hardly the weirdest thing famous people get up to, but I can’t imagine it would be great for her reputation. Better safe than sorry.

So, today, a dreary autumn afternoon, was another one of those days.

She’d been playing already since before I arrived, and didn’t stop as I stepped into the room and took a seat. 

That wasn’t too weird, she didn’t always like to ask me right away, and I was happy to just listen to her. It was mostly just an excuse to be here, but her music was always beautiful, soft and gentle in equal measure. It was easy to lose yourself in it.

It was nice just being able to watch her, too. Her hair cascades down her back like a waterfall, so beautiful and neat, gently swaying with her every small movement. I wonder what kind of product she uses. Her eyes seem unfocused, fixed on nothing in particular, as if lost in thought. And of course, before long, my gaze focuses on her fingers, so slender and beautiful, dancing across the keys with motions that must have been practiced thousands of times by now. 

After what feels like a very long time, but can’t have been more than a minute or two, the song drifts its way to an ending, her fingers fall still, and the room becomes silent. 

I’ve never liked silence.

“What did you do over the weekend?”

I speak up before it can become too painful.

“Rehearsed.”

She answers eventually, voice quiet and even. I have to stop myself from laughing, because it’s the exact same answer she’s given me the last two times I’ve asked that question in the previous weeks we've met. I mean, it’s probably true, but still, give me something, you know?

Saki doesn’t seem to like talking very much, and it doesn’t help that the two of us don’t have much in common. I’ve tried, okay? I want to get closer to her. That was the whole reason I came to the music room in the first place. But so far, every attempt I’ve made to start a conversation has been met with clipped, disinterested responses. So really it just ended up being me talking to myself, which isn’t the worst thing in the world, but it gets tiring.

At least with Tomori, when she doesn’t say much I can tell she’s still listening. Sakiko barely seems to acknowledge me.

Which is why it catches me by surprise when, hesitantly, she speaks up again after a few moments of silence.

“... What did you do? On the weekend, I mean.”

“Rehearsed.”

I reply almost without thinking, then take a second to laugh at myself before providing a bit more detail,

“Taki really wants us to knuckle down ahead of our next live, so she’s been cracking the whip. Oh, but afterwards me, Tomorin, and Soyorin went out to this cute cake shop that opened near Ring. We had to line up for a bit, but it was totally worth it, they have just the prettiest little designs, see?”

I hold up my phone with a photo we took together on the day. She glances at it, but doesn’t show much interest.

“Come closer,”

Is what she says next, and for a moment I think she actually wants a closer look at the photo. But, of course, it wouldn’t be that.

So, I put my phone away, stand, and move over to her.

“What do you want me to do?”

Saki, now staring at me with a steely gaze, holds out her hand.

“Kiss it.”

She had said exactly what I expected.

Well, it was hardly a great guess, it was the same thing she’d asked me every time we’d met.

Her hand, with its unblemished, pale skin was right in front of me as I got to my knees. I reached out and caressed it gently. Smooth, and soft, no calluses like mine. So pretty. As I touched her, I could feel a small shiver travel through her body.

“Go on.”

She whispered urgently, and I couldn’t help but smile.

I leaned closer, and pressed my lips against her ring, the metal icy against my flesh. I couldn’t help but wonder, at times like these, what this ring even was. I mean, it’s not the most common accessory for a high school girl.

Surely not an engagement ring. Not at this age. Although she was from a rich family, maybe there was some sort of messed up arranged marriage thing going on? I think I read a book like that once…

But it was so boring, just an unadorned loop of plain metal. Surely rich families would demand something a whole lot more fancy. With diamonds. Lots of diamonds.

I hoped that it wasn’t for an engagement. I hated that idea.

When I pulled my lips away, and looked up to meet her eyes, she furrowed her brow.

“Do it properly.”

“Hmm?”

I played innocent.

“What do you mean? You just asked me to kiss it.”

Her brow furrows even more.

“You know.” 

I laugh as she shoves her hand closer to my mouth again. Part of me wants to hold out, to try and force her to order me to lick her. To actually say that out loud. It’s a little mean though, isn’t it? She’s right, I know what it is she wants, even if she won’t say it outright.

I stick my tongue out, and slowly twirl it around the tip of her middle finger. As I do, I watch her reaction closely.

I wonder if she even realises how she looks when I do this. Probably not. If she did, I think that she’d refuse to do it, or at least insist that I keep my eyes closed or something.

Her cheeks are red, eyes dilated, mouth hanging just slightly open as she watches me. Suffice to say, it looks like she enjoys it a lot. 

I decide to do something a little new this time around, and take her middle and index fingers directly into my mouth, slowly pushing down until I have them up to the knuckle.

Her breath catches in her throat as I wrap my tongue around them, lapping all over. The taste wasn’t good. Actually, if I had to say, it was quite bad. And yet, there was something intoxicating about being able to drag these reactions out of her. She was so interesting. I can feel my own body temperature rising.

Gently at first, I pressed my teeth down onto those fingers. And then harder, and harder, until she thwacks me on the side of the head with her free hand.

“That hurts!”

She hisses, and I release her with a short laugh. She takes the time to examine her fingers after pulling them out of her mouth, and finds only faint marks. Of course, I say hard, but I know better than to do any real damage. Her cheeks are still red when she glares at me.

I think I like her face a lot.

I wonder how different this would feel if we did it in her concert wear. With the mask and everything.

“Don’t do that again.”

“Sure, sure.”

She sounds cross, so I concede easily. It’s probably a lie, though. I mean, it’s just a little too much fun to eke all those cute reactions out of her.

Still, to cheer her back up I pull her hand back in and trace the line of her knuckles with my tongue, then watch as the corners of her lips quirk up in the smallest of smiles.

It’s a little funny, to her, and probably to anyone who saw this, it would seem like she’s the one in charge. That I’m submitting to her, obeying her. Really though, I’m the one controlling things. The one choosing what happens, and how fast. The one teasing her, dragging her out of her shell little by little, no matter how cool and indifferent she tries to act.

But, I want to be closer to her, I want to get to know this girl that’s so important to the people I care about. So, even if this isn’t exactly the way I expected things to go between us, I’ll do just enough to keep her happy.

Besides, it’s not like I don’t find it fun.

I press my lips to the ring again, and she trembles almost imperceptibly.

And with that, I pull back, stand up, and watch as she attempts to compose herself.

“Good… that was plenty.”

She murmurs as much to herself as to me, and turns back to the piano, though doesn’t start playing immediately.

“You know, that cake shop I mentioned, I could show it to you if you want. After this, even, it’s not too hard to get there from the school.”

“No, that’s quite alright.”

She answers without even looking at me, and then before I can say anything her fingers move and beautiful music fills the air once again.

Well… that’s okay. Maybe we just don’t have that kind of relationship.

Chapter Text

The weather was gradually getting colder as the year steadily marched on. That suited me well, I enjoyed a bit of chill in the air, and yet sometimes it did make the school days feel longer than usual.

Especially on days when I didn’t have anything to look forward to afterwards.

Still, attendance was important, so I dutifully sat through the day regardless. No matter how dull it felt, or how well I already knew the material. The teacher droned on and on, and the minutes crawled by at a snail’s pace.

As soon as the final bell rang I set about packing my things away, while the room around me filled with the buzz of conversation. No sense wasting any more time than was necessary.

And yet, as I left the room and made my way down the hall, there was something that gave me pause.

A glimpse of pink through the window of the other first year classroom. 

Anon was still sitting at her desk, talking animatedly with a trio of girls I didn’t recognise. So flashy and energetic, making exaggerated gestures every few words. The expressions she’s making reminds me of the ones she wears whenever she listens to me play.

I couldn’t possibly hear what it was that she was talking about, but it was easy to guess that it was the same kinds of things the girls in my own class were always going on about around me. The dramas they were watching, who they liked, what was cool, or cute, or fashionable.

Thankfully most of them have given up on trying to get me to participate at this point, but whenever I listen to those conversations, I can’t help but feel like they live in a different world to me.

Not to sound as if I look down on them, it’s just… I don’t think I could ever be capable of keeping up with all that. Could ever understand what to say, and when to say it. Who had been deemed the top of the pyramid, and how to keep them happy.

Could know what people really meant, and when they were talking about you behind your back.

It was much easier to just keep to myself.

I wonder if Anon ever finds it exhausting.

I guess it all comes easily to some people. 

She looks happy, after all.

I set off walking before she notices me, and before I put myself in an even worse mood. Down the hall, out across the courtyard to the other building, then up to the music room-

Ah, wait. I pause at the door.

Today isn’t one of my days.

The room is empty all the same, but I have things to do this afternoon. The scripts for Ave Mujica’s upcoming live shows need to be finalised, and there’s still composition work to be done on the guitar lines for the final track of the setlist. Today is the day I have scheduled away to finish all of that.

But I wonder, if I messaged Anon right now, told her that I was going to play, would she come to me? Would she do what I told her to? Put herself at my mercy?

No. Of course not.

She has her own life. She has other people to spend time with. There’s no reason why she would show up just because I’d upset myself. All I was worth was some entertainment when she didn't have something better to do.

The sky was clear overhead as I left the school, the sunshine providing a hint of warmth in contrast to the chill wind. 

As I opened the front door to my apartment, I called out that I was home, but didn’t receive any answer. That’s for the best. I was in a mood where I’d prefer to be alone.

Without bothering to change out of my uniform, I flopped down onto my bed and did my best to empty my mind. No need to think about anything right now. Especially not playful, pink girls.

“I’m home!”

Uika’s voice dragged me back to reality, and I groggily pushed myself up. I must’ve fallen asleep at some point, because the sky outside the windows had grown dark.

“Saki?”

“Welcome home,”

I called out, voice croaky from disuse. A moment later, Uika’s smiling face poked up over the edge of my little loft space.

“Oh, Sorry if I woke you, things just ran a little late at the agency.”

“It’s fine.”

“Do you want some coffee? I’ll go put some on.”

“Thanks.”

I don’t, but sometimes sacrifices have to be made. Besides, I’ve just managed to waste a lot of time that I should’ve spent working, I could use something to keep myself awake until I finish. Uika disappears down into the kitchen, then returns after a handful of minutes carrying a tray with two steaming mugs balanced on it.

I accept mine, and take a quick sip. It burns my tongue, but I force it down.

“Is everything okay, Saki?”

“Hmm?”

“You’ve just seemed… a bit moody lately, is all. Happy some days, but down on others. I’m just worried.”

I force myself to smile.

“Oh, it’s just been hard work preparing for this latest batch of shows. It’s okay though, I should be able to finish everything I need to tonight.”

“Alright… you know, if there’s anything you need help with, I’m here for you.”

“Thank you, Uika. I know I can count on you.”

The concern gradually drains from her face, replaced with a pleased grin.

We finish our coffee together, Uika collects the mugs and takes them off to wash, and I let the tension drain from my shoulders.

Moody lately, am I?

I can think of exactly one recent change in my life that could be the cause of that. I hate the idea that Anon could be affecting me like this. That anyone could. I was the one in charge. I was the one pushing her around. She should be the one fretting, and worrying, and feeling all strange inside.

I settled down in front of my laptop and opened up the script document, then began pouring my frustrations out onto the page. If nothing else, this all made for good fuel.

~~~

The next day comes and then passes by at as much of a sluggish crawl as the last. I’d managed to get that scripting done, but hadn’t been able to bring myself to start on the music, and the pressure of that unfinished work hangs over me as the minutes trudge by.

It’s hard to focus on anything when you know there’s something else that you desperately need to do, but can’t.

At the very least there’s something of a light at the end of the tunnel waiting for me today. Meeting again with Anon. Although maybe that’s not entirely a good thing. On the one hand, a sense of anticipation coils throughout me, making it hard to focus. On the other, I keep thinking of her yesterday, surrounded by those other girls. Happy.

Well, none of it can be helped. 

The day comes to a close, and I make my way to the music room. To my surprise, Anon is already there when I arrive. It’s the first time this has happened.

It shouldn’t be a problem, and yet for some reason I find it off-putting. The disruption of a pattern.

“Heya Saki!”

She waves energetically as I step inside and make my way over to the piano. I nod to her in acknowledgement, and then stare down at the old instrument. 

Thoughts swirl through my head. The work that I should be doing. Anon being here before me. The schoolwork that I’m now behind on. The moodiness that Uika has apparently noticed. Anon in the centre of her class, chatting with all those girls. Anon. Anon. Anon.

My stomach curls into a tight, painful knot, and I realise that I’ve begun glaring at her.

She clearly gets some kind of message from my look, though maybe not one I consciously intended to send, because with a small smile she stands, makes her way over to me, and then drops to her knees.

She reaches for me, and for just a moment I’m prepared to let it happen. To sink happily into the strange feelings she somehow draws out of me. But then, right as I feel the warmth of her fingers on my wrist, I snatch my hand away.

“I didn’t ask you to do anything yet.”

Anon tilts her head to the side.

“Oh, alright then. What do you want me to do?”

So smug. As if she thinks she knows what I want before I even say it. The same thoughts as last night run through my head again. She should be the one feeling strange, the one fretting and accidentally coming here on the wrong day. The one who cares.

“Just… stay still.”

She blinks, but otherwise doesn’t move, which I take as acceptance.

At first, I reach down, and trail a finger along the line of her jaw. That sends a small tremor through her body, which is gratifying. I cup her chin, tilt her head to one side, then the other. Examining her.

She’s so sloppy, uniform rumpled, hair messy and uneven. Not the kind of girl anyone should be worrying over.

Right now she’s just looking at me curiously, no real reaction after my initial touch. I could change that, though.

I trail my index finger over to her mouth, trace the outline of her lips, feel their rough, cracked surface, and then push my finger inside. Almost immediately, I feel her tongue rise to meet me, curling around my finger, moist warmth washing over me.

“I told you to stay still.”

I hiss at her, pulling my finger back, and she gives me another confused look. She concedes though, and I press my finger back into her mouth, trailing it over her teeth.

“You have such pronounced canines.”

I muse out loud as I rest the pad of my finger against the tooth’s point. I take a second to press against it hard, letting its point dig into me, feeling the strange flutter of heat that prickles out through my body with the contact. 

After a few moments the pain gets too much to ignore, and so I stop, and push my finger in further, along the line of her teeth right to the back of her mouth. Exploring her. She wrinkles her brow in discomfort, and uncontrollable emotions all of a sudden well up from deep inside me.

Without warning, I shove my finger in further still, pressing right to the back of her throat. Her eyes widen, and she gags. Her wet flesh shifts around me, convulsing. It’s a disgusting feeling, and yet I don’t want it to stop.

She doesn’t give me a choice though, pulling herself back and grabbing onto my wrist to stop me from chasing after her. Tears prick at the corners of her eyes as she coughs, splutters, and then sucks in a few deep breaths.

I examine my fingertip, and the red mark that was left behind when I pressed it to her tooth. There’s no blood, it didn’t pierce the skin. A strange part of me thinks that it might have been better if it did.

“Saki, what was that?”

She complains once she's caught her breath, looking up at me with harsh eyes that still bear tears in their corners.

“It was disgusting.”

I turn back to the piano, a sense of satisfaction settling within me. Satisfaction at having dragged her down a little. At having put her in her place. I wonder if, deep down, she liked that. If there’s something more to it for her, like there is for me. Or if maybe she just hated it, and hates me for putting her through it.

I settle my hands on the piano keys, but wait until I hear her rise to her feet and return to her chair before I begin to play.

Chapter Text

I was in a pretty bad mood after Saki did all that. For the rest of that week, even. Like, come on, I know I said I’d do whatever she wanted, but that was just nasty. I seriously thought I was about to throw up right there on the music room floor! Maybe I should’ve, that would’ve shown her.

The worst part wasn’t even how it felt, though. It was the expression she’d had right after. I think it was probably the happiest I’d ever seen her.

Ugh.

I want to get closer to Saki. I really do! And I mean, up until now, it had been slow going, but alright. The whole hand-licking thing didn’t really bother me. It was actually strangely fun, in its own way.

But if it’s gonna escalate from here, I’m not sure if I’m willing to put up with it.

The memory of that happy expression of hers keeps flashing through my mind. She really likes treating people like that, huh? Treating me like that.

She’s kinda messed up.

“Anon, Anon, what did you think of last night’s episode?”

I blink rapidly, realising that I haven’t been paying attention at all to the conversation that I’m currently part of, and the girls in my class are now looking at me expectantly.

“Ah, yeah! It was crazy right?”

“Yeah, totally!”

I didn’t actually watch the show that they’re talking about. My evening yesterday was fully occupied by rolling around on my bed thinking about Saki. Still, it’s not too hard to play along. The girls all smile, and laugh, and turn back to one another, and I sink back into my thoughts. 

I’ve been unconsciously tapping a little beat out on the table with my fingers this whole time, one of the songs she’d played for me the other day. I wonder if there’s a mark left behind on her, from when she pressed her finger against my tooth.

Probably not, right? It did feel like she pressed pretty hard, but then I didn’t taste any blood or anything after, so…

Hm…

I’m forced to conclude that I don’t know much about bite marks and how long they usually stick around for.

I think that I want there to be a mark. Then, maybe, she’d have something bothering her about that day as much as I did. And I wouldn’t even have to feel bad about it, since she did it to herself.

It’s probably best that there isn’t any trace, though. That could cause problems for her.

I take a little sip from my water bottle, and fail to not think about the sensation of her finger in my throat again. It hurt, it was nasty, but also… just a little, it made my nerves tingle weirdly.

I wonder if, for at least some of that time, I was making the same kind of expression she always made when I licked her.

The bell rings to signal the end of our lunch break, and I’m grateful for the interruption to my thoughts.

“… Anon…”

As I return to my seat, Tomori quietly gets my attention. I flash her a bright smile.

“What’s up, Tomorin?”

“Are you okay?”

“Ah…”

I open my mouth, then close it, and consider my answer. I don’t want to lie to Tomori. I’ve already let her know that I’ve been spending time together with Saki (though without the specific details), and she’s been pretty happy that we’ve been getting friendly (again, I haven't been being entirely open about it). It would probably upset her to know that Saki did something to hurt me, even if I keep it vague.

“Well, I’m alright. Just something I need to sort out, that’s all.”

So, I elect to just deflect. I can tell from Tomori’s expression that she’s not too happy about me not opening up, but also doesn’t know what else to say. And then, the teacher calls for attention at the front of the room, and she’s forced to turn away from me.

Sorry, Tomorin. But I really will figure things out, I promise.

The question is just how…

And, as much as I turn the question over in my head, I know there’s only one real answer. Come next week, I’ll be heading to the music room once again. Then, I’ll… see what happens… I guess.

Ugh.

~~~

I spent the weekend immersed in music, friends, and memories of Sakiko that just won’t leave me alone. I’m able to cool off a bit, at least, even if I earn plenty of scolding for the mistakes I make during MyGO!!!!!’s rehearsals. Sadly I don’t think Rikki would be all that receptive if I tried to explain why I’m so distracted.

I think about messaging Saki a few times, but in the end I’m not sure what I’d even say. It’s all just confusing.

Tuesday rolls around eventually, the first day of the week that we meet, and I spend the whole of it with nerves steadily building. Tomorin definitely notices the way I’m fidgeting and fretting, but thankfully doesn’t try to pry. She’s so sweet.

As soon as the final bell sounds, I make to rush out of the room, only to be stopped by our teacher. Something about some form I’d forgotten to hand in. I try my best not to let my impatience show, but it’s hard when I’m so intimately aware of every second of precious time I'm wasting as she speaks.

I make my apologies, and my promises to get that form in as soon as possible, and then finally make my escape.

When I arrive at the music room door, though, I hesitate. I still haven’t really decided what to say, what to do, how to act. If I just went in and got mad at her, how would she react? She’d probably just tell me to get out, not bother speaking to me again, and that would be that.

So, I go in easy. As I open the door, I’m greeted by silence. She’s here, seated at the piano, but not playing. Just sitting.

“Heya Saki, sorry I’m a little late.”

She startles when I speak up, turning to look at me with surprise. She stares for a few seconds, and I think she’s searching for something to say. But then, she just nods, and turns back to the piano. I walk over to my seat, and the gentle tone of her music fills the air.

Time passes by, and the whole thing feels… awkward.

She doesn’t say a word to me in between any of the pieces, and I can’t think of anything to say myself. I’m resolved to just wait till she stops to give me an order, but that time never comes. All she does for the whole hour is play her music, and occasionally glance over at me.

Eventually, when she finishes a piece, I check the time and see that we’re right about to have to leave. Ugh. Alright. I’ll be the one to speak up.

“Hey, Saki.”

She startles again.

“Yes?”

“The wind ensemble is about to start getting here. You should tell me what you want me to do, before it’s too late.”

“Ah.”

She looks down at her lap, frowning and fidgeting.

“Well…”

“Yeah?”

There’s a few moments of quiet, and then she looks up at me with a steely gaze.

“I’m hungry. Take me somewhere for dinner.”

I blink a few times, struggling to process what she’d just said. It’s not that it was a problem, just a surprise. I’d invited her out a few times in the past, after all my whole goal to begin with was to become friends, not just… whatever this was, but she’d always refused. Now, not only did she want to, but she was making it today’s favour?

Well, alright. If that’s what she wants, I guess.

“What do you feel like?”

“I don’t care. You choose.”

Not making it easy, huh?

We collect our things and head out of the school, walking side by side as my mind races. I’m not sure if any of the places I knew would be up to her standards. Maybe that was being presumptuous, but like, I’d seen her get picked up from school in a limo, y’know? 

There’s some nice cafes in the area, but she said dinner, so that didn’t seem suitable. Maybe I should lean into it, pick somewhere real grungy as a bit of revenge. But I hate the idea of her judging me, and besides, I don’t think I actually know anywhere that would fit that description.

In the end, I lead her to a family restaurant a short walk away from the school. It’s a nice enough place, not fancy, but there’s good food and plenty of choices.

It’s quiet when we arrive, and we’re able to get seats in a booth off in one of the corners, sitting across from each other. She looks at the menu for maybe five seconds before sliding it across the table to me.

“Pick for me.”

I can’t help but let out an irritated sigh. That’s the first thing she’s even said to me since we left the school. What are we doing here?

I call for the server and order us both a beef bowl, mostly just choosing at random, and then the two of us are alone together again. I brace myself for an awkward and quiet meal, but figure I should at least try to get some conversation going. So, I ask the first question that comes to mind.

“When you’re in the music room, the songs you play, they aren’t Ave Mujica, are they? Unless it’s all unreleased stuff?”

Once more, she startles when I speak. Seriously, she’s like a nervous rabbit today.

“No, you’re right.”

She answers after a few moments, and at first I think that’s all I’m going to get, but eventually.

“Ave Mujica’s songs are work. When I’m in there, it’s to relax.”

Huh. I guess that makes sense. I try to think of a follow-up, but before I can, she speaks up again.

“I thought there was a chance you wouldn’t meet with me today.”

“Why’s that?”

“Tomori left me a note in my shoe locker.”

Our server comes by, delivering our food and glasses of water, which I took a much needed sip from.

“Sorry… I didn’t tell her anything, but I guess she figured something out.”

Saki takes a sip of her own.

“It’s quite alright. She just told me that you seemed upset, and wondered if something had happened. It made me realise that I might’ve gone a bit too far.”

Pieces click into place. Going out here with me, like I’d asked her to in the past and she’d refused, it was probably her way of trying to say sorry. I let out a laugh as I realise, and she furrows her brow at my inappropriate reaction.

“Let's eat.”

I smile at her, pick up my chopsticks, and dig in.

“… Let’s eat.”

She replies after a moment.

What a funny girl.

We eat in silence, bar the clicking of our chopsticks against the bowls and ever-present chewing. When I finish, I glance over, and see that she’s done an impressive job polishing her own off, and is currently dabbing at her mouth with a napkin.

“What happened last time,”

I begin to speak, and she turns her attention to me, gaze steely.

“It did upset me at first. I was surprised, I guess. But, at the end of the day, I promised I’d do whatever you wanted. So technically it’s not like you did anything wrong, right?”

I leave off a few things in my explanation, of course. For one thing, I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been trying to push her buttons ever since this little arrangement began, so maybe it was wrong for me to be too mad that she had enjoyed getting a strong reaction out of me. And for another, even if she was being very awkward and cold the whole time, her going out of her way like this did make me happy. I mean, I knew that she enjoyed what we did together, but I also figured that was something she could get from any number of people. The idea that she actually wanted to preserve this relationship was nice.

And all the other confusing feelings? Well, I could keep those to myself too.

“I see. In that case, I’ll get the bill.”

She reaches for the little slip of paper, and a hint of disappointment hits me as I realise she’s planning to leave just like that. My own hand snakes out, and grabs hold of hers before she can.

“Anon?”

I blink, realising what I’ve done without thinking. But… I glance around, the restaurant is pretty empty, and obscured by the booth no-one can really see us.

“Hold on,”

I whisper, then slip around to her side of the booth. She frowns, probably realising what I’m going to do, but before she can object, I pull her hand to my mouth and press my lips to it.

Her fingers stiffen against me, and when I look up her expression is a strange mix of joy and displeasure.

“I didn’t ask you to do that.”

“I know, but it seems like a shame not to.”

I have to fulfill her requests, of course, but I’d already done that today. This was just me doing what I felt like. She furrows her brow, but doesn’t object as I dip my head towards her again.

Her hard knuckles dig into my lips, warmth prickling at the points of contact. Maybe I should just be satisfied with that. We are in public after all. But I’m not. I stick my tongue out, tracing the lines of her fingers with it, enjoying the soft skin and the slight tickle of short hairs.

Speaking of hair, I feel her free hand settle against the side of my head. At first, I think she’ll push me away, but instead it lingers for a second, then begins to slowly stroke me. Butterflies flutter through my stomach.

When I look up at her, her cheeks are a deep red, and as our eyes meet she lets out a shaky exhale.

“Anon, that’s enough.”

Her voice carries a commanding edge that sends more butterflies tumbling through my body. She’s probably right, even if I kinda don’t want to stop. I pull back, and smirk at her.

She stares at me for a few moments, then reaches out and wipes her hand against my cheek, getting my own spit all over me.

“Hey! That’s gross”

I sputter, grabbing for a napkin I can use to clean it up.

“Hmph. That’s rich coming from you.”

I catch a devious little smile on her face at my reaction, but it seems like we both have the good sense not to push things any further.

There’s quiet for a few seconds as we both clean up, and then, there’s one question that I just have to ask.

“Hey, Saki,”

“Hm?”

“Was dinner nice?”

She looks at me curiously, and then,

“It was delicious.”

Chapter Text

“Me and my boyfriend spent the whole weekend together!”

“Aww, I want a boyfriend who’ll take care of me like that.”

“Heh, he even left some marks, but luckily they’re easy to hide~”

Boyfriend, boyfriend, boyfriend,

The conversation surrounding me in the classroom felt like it was stuck on a loop, the word “boyfriend” getting repeated ad infinitum. Surely there was something more interesting that they could all waste their time talking about. But no, it was as if they had all become stuck on the same setting.

Not that I was actually a part of this conversation, but it was close by and loud enough that I couldn’t help but overhear. I’d been trying to occupy myself with my book, but so far I’d only managed to get halfway through the first paragraph on the page without getting distracted. Granted, that wasn’t entirely the fault of my classmates, but they definitely weren’t helping.

People could be such a pain.

At the very least, I had something to look forward to after school today. But that was still a long way away, with plenty of frustration to build up between now and when I would meet Anon.

Anon…

I wonder what she would be saying if she were in this class, right now. All this ceaseless talk of relationships and intimacy. Would she have anything to add?

Surely. She was a girl willing to get down on her knees and lick the hand of someone she barely even knew. A girl willing to do that in public, where anyone could see, even. Someone like that must be getting… involved with people all the time.

I know that I’m putting myself in a bad mood, but I can’t help but continue down this line of thought as the day proceeds. Maybe one of the other girls in her band. Maybe Tomori. They were obviously very close. Always walking together, sitting together, making music together.

Objectively, this shouldn’t matter to me at all. The two of us didn’t have that sort of relationship. We were just acquaintances. It was none of my business what she got up to with anyone else.

But I hated it.

And even more, I hated that I cared.

The day comes to an end, and I retreat to the music room. I don’t wait for her to arrive to begin playing, and when she eventually does open the door she’s greeted by a harsh melody.

I know that what I’m feeling right now is dangerous. Last time I was in this bad of a mood when we met, I took it out on her. And maybe that was okay, she had promised me anything that I wanted after all. But it upset her all the same, and it risked driving her away. I wasn’t ready for that.

Not that I had any illusions about this being an arrangement that would last. Nothing in life did, and people could exit your story when you least expected it. My own Mother had left without any warning. Why should a girl I hardly knew be any different?

No, this was just a brief interstitial. A break before I returned to the rest of my life.

But I was accustomed to this sort of thing, and I was determined to be ready for when that day came.

All the same though, there was no sense rushing towards that ending. I was, despite my better judgement, fond of this time we spent together. I wanted to stick around, to linger in it for as long as I could.

So, yes, taking things out on her. It had been a few weeks since that happened, and while she had insisted that it was fine in the end, I knew better than to push my luck. This was a foolish girl that I was talking about, one who breezed through life on a whim. She was capricious. The risk of her getting scared and leaving me was too high.

I knew all of that, logically, but that doesn’t mean I can stop the glare I reflexively shoot out as she enters the room.

“Woah, Saki, everything alright?”

“I’m fine.”

My answer was blunt and heavy, and she laughs as she crosses the floor to be closer to me.

I just turn back to the piano, and jump into the next piece before she can say anything more. My hope is that it will distract me, but instead I just sink deeper into the spiral of my thoughts. Thoughts of her going off, her being with someone else, her forgetting all about me.

Outside the windows a bitter wind howls, as if providing an accompaniment. The days are getting shorter as we move ever closer to the year’s end, and yet today the sun seems almost defiantly strong. 

I look to Anon as that next song comes to a close. Golden light shines down on her through the window, painting her with a hazy glow. She’s frustratingly… handsome. Or beautiful. Or cute.

Surely I must’ve been right before. She must have some kind of serious relationship. Something that matters, that she actually cares about. Something that would make it easy for her to leave whatever it is we have behind.

How could she not?

And if she could so easily leave, then I at least want to leave some kind of trace behind. Something to force her to remember me, whether she wants to or not.

The rational parts of my mind caution me, these thoughts are especially dangerous when my fear is chasing her off too soon. But, perhaps there is a compromise that I can reach.

“Anon. Come here.”

I shift over on the stool, making room for her to sit beside me. She wears a curious expression as she walks over.

“This is different.”

“Was there a rule that it always had to be the same?”

“No, it’s just been a little bit since anything changed.”

Her voice is light and airy, like a flower dancing on the breeze. She takes her seat regardless, and I look her over.

“Take off your blazer.”

She blinks slowly, and I meet her gaze with as much force as I can muster. After a few moments, she slowly reaches up and begins undoing the buttons. In short order, the blazer is shrugged off and deposited on the ground.

“Okay… what now?”

I can’t help but smirk. She sounds so guarded, so wary. But, it doesn’t matter. As per our arrangement, she’s at my mercy.

“Give me your arm. Then, stay still.”

She does so with only a small amount of hesitation.

Immediately I set about undoing the button on her sleeve and then rolling it up, exposing her forearm to the elements. Her skin is smooth and clear. Beautiful. I press a finger down and trace one of the dark blue veins I can see lurking beneath the surface.

A small shiver runs through her body, and as I watch goosebumps prickle up across her skin.

“Saki, what are you doing?”

Her voice is gratifyingly shaky.

“Some of the girls in my class were talking about hickeys. It made me curious.”

“Hey now!”

She tries to pull her arm away, but I catch it.

“What?”

“I mean, don’t you think that’s a little…”

“You said that we could do anything I wanted.”

I stare at her, and after a few seconds she averts her eyes.

“… Fine, do it.”

“Not that I should need your permission.”

I pull her arm close to my face, and yet hesitate at the last moment. My heart is beating strangely, hard enough that I can hear the blood rushing by my ears.

I suppose that, unlike Anon, I’m not the kind of carefree person that can lick and bite someone like it’s nothing. This reaction is only natural. She’s the strange one.

But I can’t just chicken out. The way she licked and bit me always made me feel gross. Made my stomach coil uncomfortably. Made me feel things I couldn’t explain. She had earned some payback over the last few weeks.

So, I press my tongue down at her wrist, and then slowly trail it down the length of her forearm. I can feel her tendons shift slightly as I lick over them, leaving a sheen of saliva in my wake. She doesn’t taste like much in particular, but this close to her the smell is strong. Strawberries and a hint of vanilla. I wonder if it’s the shampoo she uses, or some kind of perfume. Either way, it’s artificial and thick.

It’s a little strange, though. The room around us is cold, and with this little contact there's no way I should be absorbing much of her body heat. Even so, I feel hot. Like I'm burning up.

I pick a spot around halfway between her wrist and her elbow. Somewhere that seems prominent, but will be simple to keep hidden under her uniform in the coming days. 

My breath catches in my throat as I lean in, but I ignore it and press forward, settling my lips against her. Then I start to suck, with as much force as I can muster. She jolts noticeably, but I hold her close.

“Saki! That stings!”

Her voice is harsh, and a little gravelly. Selfishly, I wish that I could be the only one to ever hear her like this, even if I know that it's impossible.

After what feels like no time at all, but must have been a minute or so, I release her and pull back to survey my work. A clearly visible red mark sits there, marring the perfection of her skin. A dark blemish. Now, surely, this would be something that sticks with her. Something she can’t just leave behind. But only for as long as it takes to fade, of course. Only a handful of days.

Ahh…

I want to make another one.

This is dangerous.

Anon pulls her arm away before I can act on my thoughts, rubbing at the spot as if she could get rid of it that easily. Thankfully, that's impossible.

“Are you happy?”

She asks without looking at me, and I can’t quite read her expression, or her tone of voice. Nevertheless, I smile at her.

“Very.”

Chapter Text

Give her an inch, and she’ll take a mile. That, it seemed, was the rule Saki abided by. Look, I’d told her she could do anything, and in the end I’d even specifically told her that she was allowed to do this. I didn’t have any reason to be angry, she hadn’t done anything wrong.

But… like…

It’s a hickey.

It’s not just messing around. It means something. Right?

Maybe I’m just too much of a romantic, but these are something for lovers to leave on one another, aren't they? Proof of a connection. Of the depths of their passion for one another. Or maybe a mark of ownership

That wasn’t how things were between the two of us.

I mean, I liked her well enough. I liked being her friend. I enjoyed the things we did together. But it’s not like I was hers. She only had “control” over me in the specific way I allowed, and at any point I could just say no, pack my things up, and leave. Even this, I had given her the go ahead for, albeit reluctantly. Still…

More likely than not, she wasn’t thinking about anything like that when she gave it to me. Surely not. She said she’d just got curious. It was just a whim. But all the same, it troubled me that she’d left this mark that would remind me of her, every time I saw it. 

I’m glad she at least had the sense to leave it somewhere easy to cover. If she’d tried to leave it somewhere more prominent, I’d have… I dunno, but it wouldn’t have been pretty. Anyway, the weather was cold, so it was easy enough to keep it covered with long sleeves most of the time. But even that made me conscious of it, in its own way. 

The knowledge that I had to keep it hidden. Our little secret.

“Anon. Is your arm sore or something?”

I blink, my train of thought coming to an abrupt halt.

I was at Ring, in the middle of a short break part way through today’s rehearsal with MyGO!!!!!, when my thoughts had turned to what was apparently my favourite topic these days. And now, Taki is glaring at me with a raised eyebrow.

“Why do you ask?”

I go for what feels like a safe response, giving her a cheerful smile.

“You keep holding it.”

“… I do?”

She raises her eyebrow even higher, and gestures at me. I suddenly become conscious of the fact that I am, indeed, holding onto my forearm, my thumb rubbing slow circles on the spot through the fabric of my sleeve. I let go, then swallow down a lump that had developed in my throat.

“Ah, yeah, I guess it’s a little achey. Must’ve bumped it into something.”

“Right… well, make sure it’s not too bad. We have a concert next week, if you strain your arm and can’t play, it’ll cause problems for the band.”

I smile at her again, then lift up and flex my hand a few times.

“All fine, no need to worry.”

“If you say so.”

With that, she turns and leaves. Always so blunt.

I sigh, and rub my forehead. My skin feels strangely hot. I kinda hate this. The way this is making me act all weird. The way it's distracting me. And yet, I want to see her again.

I never claimed to be smart.

~~~

On the day that I get my wish, I’m the first one to the music room. It’s happened before, but it’s still a little unusual. But, I guess I did sorta rush here today.

Ugh, I think I forgot to say goodbye to Tomorin. I hope she’s not sad. 

With nothing else to do, I wander into the room, and take a seat on the stool in front of the piano. After a few seconds I get bored of swinging my legs back and forth, and so flip the instrument’s lid up and start tapping keys at random.

I’m not a complete musical amateur at this point, but I have absolutely no experience with actually playing the piano. Still, my ears aren’t entirely useless. This one sounds like it’s a C, so then the major chord would just be…

The strong tone rings out, and I smile to myself. Hey, not too shabby. Piano starts and ends with chords, after all, so I’m pretty much an expert already.

I chuckle to myself. Before any further experimentation can occur, though, I glance up, and notice Saki standing just inside the doorway. A dangerous frown is plastered across her face. I wonder if she realises just how strongly her emotions show at times like these. The impression I get is that she doesn’t and that is, despite everything, quite cute.

I wave as she strides across the room, glaring at me the whole while.

“Stop touching that. And move over.”

I oblige her. I’m a little surprised she doesn’t make me move to a different seat, but maybe she just wants to jump straight into ordering me around today?

She’s silent for a few moments, just staring down at the piano keys. Collecting herself, maybe? But then, her eyes slide over to me, and my suspicions are confirmed.

“Take your blazer off.”

Well, that immediately sets alarm bells ringing. I let it happen once, but under no circumstances do I want another hickey from her. Not gonna happen.

Although, I guess, this order on its own isn’t a problem. Yet. Nervous energy flitters through me as, reluctantly, I undo the buttons one by one and slip my blazer off. It hits the ground with a dull noise that somehow feels impossibly loud.

“Give me your arm. Then, stay still.”

And that, is where I’m going to have to stop things.

“Saki. I don’t want you to give me another hickey.”

She narrows her eyes, and when she speaks she’s clearly disgruntled.

“What?”

“I mean, don’t you think it kinda crosses a line?”

“I don’t recall us setting any lines.”

“Not with our… arrangement, I mean. Just, it’s not really something friends do, is it?”

The only emotion I can read on her face at that is confusion. I mean, a lot of the stuff we do isn't what typical friends do, but surely she can understand how this is a bit much? I'm not being unreasonable am I?

“I’m not your friend, Anon.”

Ah. That's what she was confused by.

Well, that hurts a little. It’s not necessarily a surprise, given the way she treats me. The orders in general, how she never really speaks to me other than for those orders, the way she’d never agreed to do anything with me outside of this room, barring the one time she’d turned it into an order. Still, I guess I’d held onto hope that she was just a bit… strange, a bit withdrawn, that maybe she still saw me in a positive light.

I let out a small huff of air.

“What are we, then?”

That, at the very least, seems to stump her. 

“I’m not sure.”

The unsatisfactory answer comes out eventually, and we both sit in silence for what feels like forever. Outside, a light drizzle of rain begins to fall, and I watch as the drops gather on the windows. I didn't bring an umbrella to school today. That's going to be annoying.

“Here, do what you want”

I say once I can no longer bear the quiet, and hold my arm out to her.

She takes a second to regard it, eyes sliding between my face and the outstretched arm. Then, she begins to almost mechanically go through the motions of unbuttoning and rolling my sleeve up.

“I’m not going to leave another hickey anyway. I just want to see it.”

That’s a relief, at least. She moves slowly, taking her time, until eventually the sleeve slides out of the way and reveals… nothing.

The mark had faded away quickly, melting away into my skin as if it had never been there in the first place. It had only taken a few days. Even so, I could still feel it, whenever I was alone with my thoughts.

Saki frowns as she tilts my arm slowly, back and forth. Trying to see if there was still some trace that the right angle, or the right amount of light, could reveal. I was fairly confident that she wouldn’t find anything, though. I’d already spent plenty of time searching for it myself.

An annoyed huff escapes from her lips, and tickles my skin. I feel extremely conscious of the places where she’s touching me, her grip so very strong.

And then, all of a sudden, she lets go, pushing my arm back towards me.

“I’m not sure why you had such a problem with this, you must have plenty of experience at this point, and you can’t even tell it was there anymore.”

I wrinkle my nose at her assertion. What kind of person does she think I am? I have half a mind to defend my honour, but in the end don’t bother. Saki already looks gloomy enough without us starting some stupid argument. Besides, she’s clearly not interested in talking any more.

Without any warning, she raises her hands to the piano, and begins to play.

I sit silently at her side for the rest of the hour.

Chapter Text

Today was, if I had to categorise it, a good day. Winter had arrived to dutifully escort us to the end of the year, and in turn, the end of this school semester. That translated to a deluge of exams, but I was on top of everything enough to make it through without any major concerns.

“Ughhhhhhhh…”

The same could not, apparently, be said about Anon. She had flopped down into her seat immediately upon arriving, then let out the most dramatic sigh I think I’ve ever heard. Honestly, she looked almost as unhappy as that time I made her gag. 

Despite the state she was in, she’d listened attentively as I finished the piece I was in the midst of. Now though, it seemed she was taking the opportunity to complain while I decided on what to play next.

“I hate English so much… such a stupid language. Did you have your exam today?”

“I did.”

“How do you think you went? I swear our teacher didn’t cover some of those questions about tense.”

I take a second to regard her. For the last few weeks, since I gave her that hickey, she had quietened down a lot during our time together. Not bothering to try to ask me anything like she did in the past. It didn’t matter to me, of course. If anything the quiet was nice. But, a small part of me did somewhat miss her trying to chatter away whenever she got the chance.

In any case, it seemed exam woes were enough to break her silence.

“It was fine. All the material was in the textbook.”

She groans, then seems to think of something.

“Hey, Saki, are you like, really smart or something? I mean you used to go to Tsukinomori right? They must have high standards for grades.”

“My grades are fine.”

“Hm… hey, when our results for these exams come out, let's compare.”

“No.”

“Don’t be like that, I’m the one who’s gonna be embarrassing myself.”

I realise that a deep frown has settled onto my lips. I’m not quite sure she’s right about that. While it’s true that Tsukinomori has high standards, and that I used to meet them, my results had slipped rather a lot since I left. With everything happening, I couldn’t possibly focus on my studies.

I still wouldn’t say I’m a poor student but…

For some reason I don’t want Anon to see. Especially on the off chance that she has better results than me. I’m not sure how likely that was, but it was possible. I hated the idea of her knowing, of her condescending to me, gloating to me. Or worse, trying to comfort me over it.

“How poorly you do isn’t my business. Compare with Tomori if you need to.”

I can’t stop a note of venom slipping into my tone. She stiffens a little, then slumps down, resting her chin in her hand as she looks out the window.

“Yeah, whatever. I’ll just compare with my friends.”

Ugh. She’s managed to disgruntle me. I turn my attention back to the piano, and rest my fingers on the keys, intending to distract myself with music. But… I can’t just yet. There’s still something I need to do this afternoon.

Right after all that may not be the best time, but I get the feeling that if I stop talking and start playing, I’ll end the day without another word. Already, this is something that I’ve meant to do during our previous few meetings, and ended up putting off each time.

“Anon.”

I focus on speaking steadily and firmly.

“What plans do you have over the winter break?”

She sits up straight, blinking slowly. It’s clear she’s surprised.

“Uh. Nothing in particular. Rehearsals with MyGO!!!!!, and just hanging out, I guess?”

“I see.”

My mouth feels strangely dry, but I force myself to keep speaking.

“Ave Mujica will be going on tour, with our first show at the Budokan on New Year’s Day. We’ll continue on through to the second week of the next semester. I won’t be at school for that duration, meaning we won’t be able to meet.”

Anon slumps back down.

“Oh, sure. I’ll see you in the third week, then, I guess.”

I reach down into my pocket, pull out my phone, and bring up a QR code on the screen.

“This is a ticket to our first show. For you.”

And like that, she goes stiff again, eyes now wide with surprise.

“Oh! Uh, wow, I don’t know what to say. Thank you!”

She gets to her feet, fumbling for her phone as she walks over to me. Before she can arrive, however, I pull the phone back to my chest.

“I want to make one thing clear first. I am letting you listen to me perform. Live on stage. This means, of course, that after the show I will expect payment in kind.”

It takes her a second to register my meaning. And then, she bursts out laughing. I narrow my eyes.

“Sorry, sorry, just- wow. You’re a lot, Saki. Sure.”

My eyes remain narrowed, but I hold my phone back out and allow her to scan the code. She keeps chuckling to herself as she puts her phone away.

“So, what about today then? Do you have a request?”

“Just… make sure that you’re at the concert.”

“Well, I’m gonna do that without you needing to tell me.”

She hums, and trails her eyes up and down my body. I shift uncomfortably in my seat, doubly so when her eyes start to linger down on my legs.

“Hey, what’s that?”

I look down to where she’s pointing. A small discoloured patch of skin on my knee.

“Just a bruise. I suppose I bumped into something.”

“Does it hurt?”

“Maybe a little.”

“Well, why don’t I take care of it for you?”

She doesn’t wait for an answer before dropping to her knees and shuffling in close. I try to turn away, but she grabs hold of my leg to stop me.

“What are you planning, Anon?”

“Nothing bad.”

With that, she leans in, and plants her tongue against the bruise. A wet and slimy feeling washes over my skin, followed by a dull throbbing pain from how hard she presses down against the injured skin.

“Anon!”

“What? You like this sort of thing, don’t you Saki?”

Her tongue slides over the skin again, and I feel myself growing warm. I reach down, and pink hair bunches up in between my fingers. I want to push her away, to make her stop, and yet for some reason I hesitate. It’s disgusting. But maybe, because it’s Anon, it feels strangely good.

I let my hand trail through her hair, enjoying the soft sensation flowing between my fingers, and she tilts her head ever so slightly into my touch. The whole while her tongue continues to glide over my skin, her hand settles lightly against my thigh, and the room starts to feel a bit hot. Or maybe, it’s just that she’s so close that her body heat and mine are colliding, melding together and becoming one.

Regardless, I take a moment to loosen my tie in a vain effort to cool myself down. But the heat only gets worse, traveling from my knee to my lungs, where it warms every breath that escapes from my mouth. 

Then, she stops licking and instead presses her lips down to the skin, and starts to suck. My toes curl involuntarily as I struggle to reconcile the buzzing sensations fluttering through my body, but as soon as I take a second to really think about what she’s doing, it’s all replaced by a bolt of panic.

I press my palm to her forehead, and shove her back. She pouts as she lands on her butt.

“What was that?”

I ignore her, and instead inspect my knee where she had been sucking.

“Relax. I wasn’t sucking hard enough to do anything. I know better than to leave a mark.”

She might be right. It’s hard to tell given that the skin was already bruised, but I don’t think it looks any worse than it was before she began. But it was wrong for her to even come close to doing something like that.

“Don’t do that again.”

“What?”

“Anything that I don’t tell you to. But especially that.”

She leans in close once more, even as I glare at her.

“Well that’s not gonna happen. I’ve agreed to do you favours, but so long as I do that, I can do whatever I want the rest of the time. Besides, you liked it.”

“I did not.”

“Sure, sure.”

After a moment, she stands, then steps away to return to her seat. A breath I didn’t realise I’d been holding is released. I can still feel her saliva all over my knee. She’s so disgusting. She has no shame. And she's frustrating, and confusing, and annoying. She's…

“Anon.”

“Yeah?”

“Make sure you come to the concert.”

“Of course.”

Chapter Text

If there was one thing that set Ave Mujica apart from any other band I’ve had the opportunity to see, it was the production value. The set design, the costumes, the sheer amount of advertising. I mean, just playing at the Budokan already marked them as something special, something that MyGO!!!!! could still only dream of being in the same league as. 

Well, we would get there someday. I had faith. Just maybe not soon, y’know? Tomorin still needs to build up a lot of self confidence before she’d be able to sing in front of a crowd like this. As for me? Well, to be honest, I would be a bit nervous about the whole thing too. I think I’d be able to manage, but still, that’s a whole lotta people to be watching me if I make a mistake.

Raana would be fine, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her show the slightest bit of stage fright. She could play the same whether it was in front of one person or a million. Soyorin and Rikki? Well, they’re right up the back, you can barely see them anyway. What do they have to be worried about?

Hmm… where was I?

Oh yeah, Ave Mujica.

Well they’ve got the venue decked out to the nines, red velvet and chandeliers as far as the eye can see. And speaking of as far as the eye can see, so much merch. I’d made sure to stock up on my way in, only briefly debating over whether or not it would be weird to get Oblivionis keychains and posters and the like, before deciding that it was funny enough to be fine.

Maybe I could convince Saki to sign them for me? Somehow I doubted she’d just agree, but I could be persuasive.

And from the merch tables, it was a pretty straight shot into the concert hall itself. The ticket Saki had given me was some sorta special VIP thing, I barely even had to wait in line, and when I got inside I was directed to a special little private viewing section with only a handful of other people. I shudder just thinking about how much a ticket like this would cost normally, although presumably Saki just got it for free.

As for my comrades here, well, they aren’t exactly what I would consider to be my usual crowd. All stuffy looking business types. Hah, that guy has a really bad toupee. I wonder if Minami Mori might be here, but after looking through the small crowd as much as I’m able, she doesn’t seem to be. Weird, you’d think she’d be here for her daughter’s big show, but I guess she’s pretty busy. Bummer, I would’ve loved to ask for her autograph.

But oh! There actually is someone I recognise. Mana from Sumimi. She’s right over the other side of the section, though, and before I can even start thinking about how to get to her the lights go down throughout the room and the curtains begin to rise. I make a mental note to see if I can catch her after the show, but for now I’ve gotta pay attention.

An anticipatory rumble echoes throughout the crowd, and for a few brief moments the only illumination is the dull glow of penlights. And then, a spotlight shines down, revealing Doloris at centre stage. The cheers peak, and then fade away as her sonorous voice fills the room and sets the scene.

The other knights join her one by one, and yet my own anticipation only grows and grows. Despite everything, I know what I’m waiting for. Who I’m waiting for. My body practically buzzes as the play continues, and it’s only when my hand begins to ache that I realise I’m gripping my own penlight so tightly it’s in danger of breaking.

But eventually, finally, I hear a voice that I’ve grown very familiar with over the recent months.

“And as the loft moon rises, the Goddess Oblivionis descends to tend to her flock.”  

It’s a little strange, hearing Saki like this. When we speak in private, she keeps her sentences so short and blunt, and her tone so cold and reserved. But on stage, her voice is full of power and majesty, booming through the venue and making my hairs stand on end.

She strides across the stage, commanding the attention of all present as her knights prostrate themselves before her. She addresses each of them in turn, until eventually she stands before Doloris- Uika, the only one who remains standing. She circles her like a hawk.

“Doloris, dearest Doloris. You must understand that if you wish to serve me, I demand perfect obedience. Perfect subservience.”

The lightest push to her back sends Uika tumbling to the ground, where she lands on hands and knees.

“Oblivionis, I-”

“And you do wish to serve me, yes?”

Saki’s voice is a breathy whisper, even as her mic sends it echoing through the room, as she reaches down and trails a hand through Uika’s hair. A small shiver runs down my spine, phantom sensations prickling at my scalp as I remember how that very touch felt. My breaths grow short and heavy.

“I… yes. My Goddess, I need what only you can give. I need you. I'll do anything for you.”

“Oh?”

Saki circles round to Uika’s front again, letting that hand slide down from her hair to trace her jawline, tilting her chin up. Uika’s eyes are filled with awe as she stares at her Goddess.

“Then, so long as you do what I say, I shall grant you all that you want. And more.”

An ugly feeling settles into the pit of my stomach. This is so stupid. I shouldn’t be feeling jealous over this. It’s just acting. It’s just-

Ugh.

I’m an idiot. 

Something about Saki just makes me feel uneasy, makes my heart restless, makes it hard to recognise myself. It’s like there’s an impossible weight bearing down on my shoulders. She’s not very nice, in fact at times she’s downright nasty, and yet I keep running back to her. Keep clinging to her. 

And sometimes, even if it’s rare, it seems like she wants to cling to me too.

I hope that I’m not just imagining that. I know what I’ve seen, but some days it just feels hard to believe. 

I mean, I’m me.

I…

I don’t know.

My life would be so much easier if I’d never tried to get closer to her. But I can’t turn away from it all now.

If I could, well that would be so much easier too. If these conflicting emotions could vanish, like a final note from her piano fading into silence, then I could just go back to how everything had been before.

But that would never happen.

Somehow, right in this moment, I understand that no matter what happens between us from now on, these feelings will stain my heart for the rest of my life.

The play has finished on stage, and now the music begins. I struggle to feel much enthusiasm.

As expected, my gaze is fixed on her the whole time.

The way she plays feels unfamiliar. Full of theatricality, elaborate flourishes and twirls. When we’re together, she plays as if she doesn’t have an audience.

It comes as a surprise when the concert ends. I completely lost track of time, watching song after song as if in a daze.

And yet, inevitably, the band takes its final bow, and the curtains close. Almost immediately the room fills with chatter and the sound of people moving. I stay still for what must be a few minutes, until at last I sigh, rub my eyes, and then reach into my purse to turn my phone on.

When the screen blinks to life, I find a single message waiting for me. From Saki.

Come to me.

I stare at it blankly for a few seconds, struggling to understand. I mean, how the heck am I meant to get to wherever she is backstage?

Halfway through writing my reply, though, I hear a small voice at my side.

“Excuse me. Would you be Miss Chihaya Anon?”

I startle, and whirl about to see a woman in a staff uniform.

“Ah… yes?”

“Oh, excellent! Miss Togawa asked if I could bring you to her dressing room. Could you follow me?”

Unsure of what else I could possibly do, I give a small nod, and then follow behind her as she weaves her way through the venue, eventually to a ‘Staff Only’ door, and then backstage.

“Sorry for the trouble.”

I say eventually, once we’re away from the noise of the crowd and I’ve recovered enough from being stunned.

“Oh, it’s fine. It’s just lucky you hadn’t left already.”

“Yeah…”

“She can be a little demanding, but, well, what can you do? Ah, here we are.”

Indeed, we’ve reached a door simply labelled ‘Dressing Room’.

“Good luck!”

She smiles, waves, and then leaves as quickly as she had appeared. I give a quick wave in return, and then turn to face the door.

Well.

This is happening, I guess.

Not wanting to wait long enough to let myself become nervous, I push the door open and step inside.

The room is large, decked out with space for changing outfits, makeup, couches to relax on, a large catering spread that looks mostly untouched, and more. It’s clearly the dressing room for the entire band, but at present it only has one occupant.

Saki sits on one of the couches, still in her full Oblivionis outfit. She looks quite unlike herself as I arrive, hunched over and fidgeting aimlessly. The instant she notices me she sits bolt upright, stands, hesitates for a moment, then sits back down. A familiar mask of cool indifference quickly settles into place as she regards me, and it’s soon as if I’d just imagined those moments of nervousness.

“Hey, Saki. Great show.”

“Come here.”

She gestures to me grandly as she speaks, and I poorly suppress a snort.

“Oh, sorry, should I be addressing you as Goddess Oblivionis when you’re like this?”

Her brow wrinkles, but she doesn’t bother to answer. So, I have little choice but to comply, crossing the room to stand in front of her. And then, another command.

“Get onto your knees.”

“Is this how I’m paying you back for the concert, then?”

She nods.

“It will be some time till we see each other again. I do not intend to wait.”

My mouth feels dry as I lower myself. As I struggle to swallow a gloved finger gently touches at my jaw, traces along it to settle at my chin, and tilts my head up.

The memory of her touching Uika in this same way just before flashes into my mind. I dig my fingernails into my palm in a vain effort to ignore it.

Saki’s golden eyes stare down at me as I’m forced to meet her gaze. She just looks for the longest time, as if studying me. Honestly, with how many opportunities she’s had to look down at me like this, you would think she would have gotten bored of it.

Eventually, she does. Or at least, she decides to move on. Her finger trails up to brush my lips.

“Take my glove off.”

She gives a simple order, and I reach up to comply, only for her to click her tongue in annoyance.

“No hands. Use your teeth.”

I raise an eyebrow.

“Seriously?”

She just stares at me.

“I might damage it.”

“I have spares.”

My heart beats a little faster as I lean in, trying to figure out how to go about this. The simplest approach is probably the best? So, I bite down on the frilly fabric around her wrist and do my best to tug it down over her hand. It doesn’t taste very good, and I can hear little rips forming in the thin fabric as I go, but little by little I make progress, gradually revealing her soft skin.

Eventually, the glove is fully off, and I spit it out onto the ground. I wonder for a brief moment if she’ll let me grab a quick drink to get the taste of fabric out of my mouth, but before I can even try to ask she’s pressing her bare hand back to my lips.

“Now. You know what to do.”

Of course I do. At this point, how could I not? I lick up and down her fingers, one by one. I feel the way the hard surface of her fingernails gives way to soft skin, and taste the hints of sweat that accumulated under those gloves over the course of her performance. She shifts slightly in her seat, crossing her legs, when I let out a long slow breath. The cool air caresses her skin, brushing over the saliva I had left behind. 

She’s looking down at me with a hazy expression, pupils dilated wide and cheeks dusted with pink, but still attempting to look imperious. I kinda hate that. She shouldn’t get to look at me like I’m one of the characters in her plays. She’s not my Goddess. I'm not Doloris.

Our eyes meet as I examine her, and she lets out a small hmph, clearly irritated that I’ve stopped licking. All right then. I take her index finger into my mouth, wrap my tongue around it as if wiping every inch clean. 

And then, without giving her any warning, I press my teeth down onto it as hard as I dare. Much harder than when I'd bitten her in the past. I can feel her bones beneath my canines.

“Anon! Stop that!”

Her voice is sharp and low, so different to how she sounds on stage. It’s somehow a little intoxicating, and I feel an ugly heat pulsing through my head. I bite down a little harder.

“Anon!”

This time she shouts, and wrenches her hand back. I release her easily. She lets out a shaky breath of relief and begins to check her finger.

“What was that? And listen when I tell you to stop.”

Now her voice is icy, just barely shaking with anger. Getting to see her direct these emotions at me sends a strange tingle down the length of my spine.

“Sorry, sorry. I guess I just don’t have perfect obedience, or perfect subservience, right?”

I grin up at her as she fixes me with a nasty glare. Another little shiver runs through me. I’m not sure why, but being around Saki brings out a side of me that I can't understand.

“Sit next to me.”

She spits out the command without any preamble, just gesturing to the empty space on the couch. I raise an eyebrow.

“I already followed your order for today.”

“That concert was much more than I would normally play for you. You still owe me.”

Well, I don’t recall agreeing to that. Regardless, I comply. She wasn’t exactly wrong, and besides, now that my blood was cooling I was starting to feel a little bad about that bite. It was pretty hard, y’know?

The instant I sit, though, I regret that decision. Her hands are on me immediately, shoving me over onto my back. And then she’s looming over me, still with that same murderous glare.

“You need to be taught a lesson.”

My heart is pounding all of a sudden. And yet it seems like I’m not the only one affected. Our bodies are so close, closer than we’ve ever been before, and I can feel her warmth. As I watch, the reality of our position catches up to Saki, and her cheeks turn red. Our eyes lock, and breaths mingle in the small space separating us.

She swallows with difficulty before speaking again, anger still there, but now largely overpowered by something else.

“Maybe I should… leave another hickey? Somewhere different?”

One of her hands settles onto my chest, the area between my collarbone and my breasts. Even through the fabric of my blouse, her touch sends a nasty chill through me, battling against the heat that had been rising up till now.

I hadn’t been lying when I told her that I didn’t want her to give me another hickey. Even under the best of circumstances, it was too much. And on my chest? It definitely crossed a line. It would definitely change things. We didn’t have that kind of relationship. She couldn’t just do whatever she pleased.

And I had never agreed to following more than one order. I had every right to refuse, to push her away and leave.

But when she reaches for the top button of my blouse, she fumbles. Her hand is trembling ever so slightly. She’s nervous, and that makes me waver.

If it had seemed like she was just toying with me, if she was still acting as the Goddess, still looking down on me, then I could’ve stopped her without a second thought. But the fact that now, even as she undoes my top button, then the second, and now the third, she’s hesitating?

I should still stop her. I should. But instead I just rest my hands gently against her shoulders.

She finishes undoing my blouse, and pulls it open. Her eyes run up and down my body, gaze intense, and I feel my cheeks becoming as pink as my hair. I can’t bear to look at her right now, so I fix my eyes onto the ceiling. Maybe that's not the best choice, though. Now that I can't see her, my other senses feel like they're on high alert, unsure of what could be coming.

A fingertip brushes against one of my bra straps, and I noticeably flinch. I suck in a shaky breath, trying to brace myself, but she withdraws immediately.

“Sorry. I won’t…”

Her words are mumbled, and trail off into nothing. I feel hot and cold, excited and gross. I need to stop this. I shouldn’t be letting her do this to me. But I just can’t.

So, I take a deep breath, and screw my eyes shut.

“Just… hurry up.”

Chapter Text

“Just… hurry up.”

I almost don’t catch Anon’s words. My heart is pounding so hard, so fast, it’s a challenge to hear much of anything.

We’re so close right now, and she’s so exposed. I’d gotten this far on a mixture of adrenaline, steady carefulness, and stubborn insistence that what we were doing wasn’t that weird. I mean, I’d undressed in front of other girls before, changing for sports at school, and I was sure she’d done the same. Seeing someone half-undressed was no big deal, right?

Somehow, despite these justifications, it felt like one. Especially now that I was face to face with her bra. 

It was plain white and unassuming, a simple design that you could buy anywhere. That’s a little surprising to me. The version of her in my mind wears something much more flashy and enticing. Not that I imagine such things often! Just… anyway.

It makes my heart race, and makes me feel things I’ve never experienced when glancing at the other girls in my class changing. And it makes me feel strangely scared, like one misstep could send everything careening off course.

It would be so easy to take it off too. But I can’t. I remember how she reacted when I accidentally touched the strap mere moments ago, I can’t risk a repeat. Can't risk her deciding to push me away and end this. Besides, it’s not like I would want to. That’s not what I’m here for.

I just need to give her a hickey. It's that simple. Ever since that first one, I’ve been longing to make another mark. Thinking about it late into the night. Dreaming about it when I sleep.

I should’ve been able to do it whenever, but despite the promises that she would do whatever I asked, I knew that Anon had hated that first mark. On a normal day, she would resist, or try to find some way out of it. Some loophole. That was why I had waited until now, the day of the concert. If she owed me more than usual, it was only fair that I be allowed to do this, right?

And it seemed that she agreed. She had accepted, and now she was silently waiting. There’s no resistance as I brush my fingers over her skin, just above her heart. 

It’s so warm in this room. Someone must have left the heating on high.

As I lean my head down, my nostrils fill with that strawberry and vanilla scent that I’ve grown so familiar with recently. It makes me dizzy.

After one final attempt to swallow down the strange lump I feel in my throat, I press my lips to her chest. My eyes drift closed as I suck, and I try to sort through the sensations washing over me. They’re strange, and uncomfortable, but not altogether unpleasant. Her hands still sit on my shoulders, and perhaps they clutch a little tighter, but they don’t push me away.

When I’m done, there’s a deep red mark left behind on her chest. I stare at it, and clamp down on the immediate urge to make another.

I wonder how long it will last? If only the answer to that could be forever. I don’t want it to fade away. I want it to become a part of her, for her to have to carry it for the rest of her life, so that no matter how hard she tries she’ll never be able to forget me. So that once she leaves me behind, whenever she’s with someone else they’ll have to look at it and know that I was here first, that I had staked my claim.

“Saki…”

Her voice is small, wavering, but it cuts through the haze of my thoughts. I drag my gaze upwards. Her eyes are half open, gazing at me softly and hesitantly. And below them, her lips look soft, with a faint hint of gloss. I wonder if she put in extra effort to look pretty for today. For me. Without really thinking, I put a hand to her cheek, and brush my thumb against the corner of those lips. 

They feel somehow enticing. 

I lean in a little closer, and watch her reaction. She doesn’t say a word, doesn’t try to push me back. But she closes her eyes again, and waits. Our breaths are heavy, mixing together in the small space between us. I could do whatever I want right now. She's defenceless.

If I kissed her right now, what would she do?

That thought catches me so off guard that I physically flinch.

Why would I even… That’s not… I don’t…

I reel back, off of her body, pulling free from her hands. My mind is racing far too fast, is far too all over the place, to process anything beyond a deep-rooted panic that was settling into every corner of my being so very suddenly. But I knew that it was dangerous to be close to Anon.

“Saki, what-”

“Get out.”

I cut her off, and then regret my own coldness.

“We’re done here, you need to leave.”

“Are you serious?”

I can’t bring myself to look at her, so I can’t be sure of her reaction. She sounds angry, though. But I can’t bring myself to say anything else, so I just stay silent. Eventually, thankfully, I hear the faint rustling of fabric as she buttons her blouse back up, and then quick footsteps as she leaves the room.

It’s only when she’s gone that I feel like I can finally breathe. Yet, even once I’m sitting alone again, I find that I can’t stop shaking.

What is wrong with me?

~~~

The events of that evening continue to torment me throughout Ave Mujica’s tour. Almost every moment when I’m not performing, and sometimes even when I am, I replay the scene in my mind. I try to sort through my feelings.

But it’s all still a mess.

Why did I get so close to kissing her?

Why did she let me?

That wasn’t the kind of relationship we had. It shouldn’t be. It couldn’t be.

Even if our relationship was still something I struggled to define, I knew that much. I knew that if I crossed that line, no matter how enticing it seemed, it would only make everything harder and more painful in the future.

Because she didn’t care about me in that way. Of course she didn't. If it wasn’t for the pure chance of our mutual connection to Tomori, I doubt she would even remember my name right now. We probably would’ve never even spoken past our first meeting. Our lives were lines that should never have intersected.

If I indulge myself in her any more than I already am, I’ll just be making myself vulnerable.

And I cannot do that.

“Yo.”

I look up. Currently, I’m sitting and waiting on the edge of the stage where we’ll be playing tonight, as setup work is being done behind me. It’s Nyamu that called out, standing just to my side with her attention split between me and her phone.

“What is it?”

I don’t try to hide the irritation in my voice at the interruption, but she either doesn’t notice or, more likely, doesn’t care.

“I just thought that I should tell you that you were playing like an amateur last night, and I was hoping that tonight wouldn’t be a repeat.”

She takes a seat beside me as she talks, voice an unpleasant mix of bored and smug. I meet her with an equal level of sarcasm.

“Why, thank you for the information. I’ll take it under consideration.”

“Great! Hey, I do gotta ask though, what’s got you so worried you’re spending all your free time staring off into space?”

“It’s none of your concern.”

“On the contrary, when you can hardly perform it makes me look bad by association, so I’d say it’s pretty concerning.”

She continues to drawl boredly, but I can tell there’s a real edge of frustration underneath it. I stare her down in the hopes that she’ll get the message and leave, but she simply meets my eyes and continues on.

“Is there any chance it has something to do with that girl I saw running out of our dressing room after you kicked us all out back at the Budokan?”

I try not to, but clearly I give some kind of reaction, because she smiles triumphantly. She has such a way of getting under my skin.

“Maybe you should be more concerned with how much time you waste running off to fool around with Mortis and Mutsumi, rather than what’s going on in my life.”

I spit the words with as much venom as I can muster, but she just raises an eyebrow.

“You know Saki, you can be a real piece of work sometimes. She was crying, y’know?”

That… is news to me. For some reason, my heart aches just a little. And that, in turn, worries me deeply. All of this does, the fact that this is apparent even to my bandmates, that it’s affecting my performances. When I speak, my voice is quieter than I expect.

“That’s enough, Nyamu. I hear what you’re saying. I’ll make sure I perform at my usual standard tonight.”

“Hm. Well, far be it from me to intrude. But, I thought you’d kinda gotten over chickening out and running away from your responsibilities. Maybe not, though.”

With that, she stands and leaves, and I’m alone once again.

I’m…

I’m not just running away. 

But, it’s clear that this situation cannot continue. Anon should not be able to affect me like this, so much that it even bleeds into my professional life. No-one should. Not anymore. The world of Ave Mujica is sacred, a place where I have complete control, where the harsh truths of reality cannot reach us.

I cannot allow anything to influence me so deeply it ruins our performances.

And so, I resolve myself. Even after this tour ends, I won’t allow myself to meet with Anon anymore.

Chapter Text

Everything was very, very wrong.

That had been obvious ever since the night of the concert.

Ugh, I felt mad just thinking about it. The way Saki just suddenly flipped and kicked me out of the room, so coldly, when I hadn’t even done anything. I mean, let's be real here, she was the one doing things to me. If either of us had the right to get upset over it, it was me.

Yet, I was the one having to put my clothes back on and run away, the one having to struggle my way through the backstage of that stupid maze of a venue when my eyes were teared up so badly I could hardly see. I was the one having to deal with the silent stares of all the people I passed by on the way out, embarrassment and shame welling up as I somehow felt certain they knew exactly what had happened to me.

I was the one having to spend the next few nights staring at this stupid mark she left on my chest, remembering every moment of it.

Yeah, scratch mad, I was downright furious.

I’d tried messaging her the day after, and the day after that, and again, and again, but she never even read them. I would’ve tried to call too, but it seemed pretty obvious that she would never pick up.

So, I decided that I’d just have to wait to speak with her in person.

The vacation days seemed to stretch on forever, somehow endlessly dull despite how much I’d been looking forward to them. The only time I didn’t feel bored was when I was thinking about Saki, and then I was mostly just mad, so that wasn’t really an improvement.

She was the one who pushed me down, took my clothes off, left a hickey on me, and then… and then tried to kiss me.

And… I was going to let her.

I still wasn’t entirely sure why. 

After she left the mark, I thought that I should push her away. When she cupped my cheek, I thought it again, and then again when she leaned closer. I’d more than repaid my debt, I had every right to. But I didn’t. Instead the thought just suddenly flashed through my mind, What will happen if I just let her?

How will that change things?

I couldn’t even begin to understand the answer, but I knew that I wanted to know. Instead, all I found out was that she was a coward, one who wouldn’t take responsibility for her actions.

I don’t care if that sounds harsh, that had to be the worst thing she’d done to me in all the time we’d spent together.

Eventually, the holiday came to an end, but that still didn’t bring relief. Saki had mentioned that she wouldn’t be back until the third week because of her stupid tour. So, I still had plenty of days to keep stewing over things.

I guess you could say that it was only a few weeks, not that long in the grand scheme of things, but with everything that had happened it felt like an eternity. Not to mention… this was the longest I’d gone without seeing her for a while now.

Eventually, finally, the third week rolled around, and on Tuesday, I made my way down to the music room. I made sure to say a big goodbye to Tomori, (she’d been worried about me lately and I felt a bit bad even if it wasn’t exactly my fault) but otherwise raced directly there as soon as classes finished.

A nervous energy fills me as I draw closer. Anger, anticipation, excitement, worry. All mixing together in a terrible vortex deep within my stomach. Still, I walk along the path I’d grown so used to without pause.

When the door looms before me, I don’t hesitate, pushing it wide open and barging inside.

Greeting me is an empty room.

Ah.

My shoulders sag, all that energy dissipating. 

Well, I did get here pretty quickly, she must still be on her way.

I take a seat and wait, letting the seconds tick by so very slowly. Eventually I pull out my phone and start idly tapping away. It doesn’t really help the time to pass any faster.

She’s gotta be here soon, right?

When the door finally opens again, I sit bolt upright, all that energy flooding back in an instant. It all goes to waste, however, because the girl who enters the room isn’t Saki.

“Oh! Hi Anon, here alone today?”

She’s a third year in the school’s wind ensemble, usually the first one to arrive, we’ve exchanged greetings a handful of times when me and Saki have stayed late enough to need to get kicked out.

“Ah, yeah, I guess. Saki must’ve been sick or something and forgot to tell me.”

I do my best to laugh it all off, but her next words make me grit my teeth so hard it’s painful.

“Oh. Weird, I could’ve sworn I saw Togawa at school earlier today.”

I say a polite goodbye and take my leave, even as fresh anger surges up in me. Maybe I should’ve expected something like this, but seriously? She could’ve at the very least sent me a message or something, but no, she’s gotta let me turn up and wait like an idiot.

As I make my way back home, my emotions waver and shift. I feel like a mess. Still angry, but also somehow sad, like I’m right on the verge of tears. It makes me dizzy. It’s all Saki’s fault.

Maybe I shouldn’t even care. We weren’t friends, she’d made that very clear. If she was just gonna suddenly cut things off, well, that was her loss. I didn’t care! If anything I was better off without her. It was no big deal

Even if I felt… the things I felt towards her, I’m certain that I’ll find someone else, some day. And even if I’ll never fully get over it all, I’ll manage, I’ll cope. 

None of this was a problem. It wasn't

I somehow wind up back at my home, the daze I was in apparently not being enough to overcome the sheer force of habit that was my usual route.

I head inside, up to my room, get changed, and flop down into bed. Dinner should probably be on the agenda, but for some reason I don’t have much appetite. I’m not sure quite how long I lay there for, but eventually I grab my phone, and try to call her.

As expected, she doesn't answer.

Alright. If that’s how she wants to play it, fine. But if she thinks she can get out of all of this just like that, she’s got another thing coming. I’m not gonna let all this just end with a whimper.

~~~

When lessons end, I once again leave as quickly as possible. This time, though, I’m not heading to the music room. Instead, I make the much shorter trip to the other first year classroom.

Once I reach the door, one of the girls sitting nearby greets me. I exchange a polite greeting with her, mentioning that I’m here to see Saki, but to be honest I’m not particularly paying attention. Instead my gaze is fixed on the back corner of the room, where Saki is still seated, packing her things up. She hasn’t noticed me yet, but that quickly changes when the girl turns and calls out.

“Togawa, your friend is here to see you!”

Saki looks up, and then visibly grimaces. Despite everything, I can’t help but snicker at that reaction. 

After a few moments, and with clear great reluctance, she finishes packing her bag and walks over to me. She fixes me with an even stare as she draws close. It’s so hard to tell what she’s thinking. Life would be a lot easier if she was a bit more open, but then I guess she wouldn’t be Saki, would she?

“Saki, I-”

I barely manage to begin speaking before she quite rudely pushes her way past me, out the door and down the hall. I grit my teeth. I had half expected this, but it’s still frustrating. Still, I’m not one to be beaten so easily. And at this point, I have plenty of experience in how to deal with girls who are trying to avoid me.

So I follow her, down the hall, down the stairs, to the shoe lockers, and then out the school gates and into the world beyond. I’m only a half step behind her as we walk down the street, with her pointedly refusing to even look at me the whole time.

“Saki. Saki. Saki!”

I try calling out a few times now that we’re away from the school, and all of our peers, but she still refuses to answer.

“Togawa Sakiko! If you think you can just walk away from this, you’re going to be disappointed.”

“Stop following me.”

She snaps, voice full of dissatisfaction, but I only feel relief. Her being forced to acknowledge me means I’m just one step closer to victory.

“I’m not going to do that. We need to talk.”

Somewhere nearby, a car honks its horn, driver shouting at an elderly couple to cross the road faster. Saki’s shoulders droop just a touch, and when she speaks again her voice is low.

“Do we really?”

“We do.”

I confirm, and she just sighs. We walk together silently for quite some time after that, until eventually we end up outside a modern looking apartment building.

“You can come inside. My roommate won’t be home for a while, so we can talk.”

She sounds glum, and still refuses to look at me, but I count this as another big win. Still, it’s curious. I guess she moved out of the mansion? Dunno why, I don’t think I’d ever want to live somewhere different.

We head in, side by side, and she guides me to her place up on the top floor. It’s nice, though a bit sparse inside. Reminds me of Soyorin’s apartment a lot, though I imagine both of them would be annoyed by that comparison. Heh.

“Pardon the intrusion.”

“Head up there. I’ll make tea.”

She gestures to a set of steep stairs, leading to a small loft space, before busying herself in the kitchenette. A part of me worries that if I actually separate from her, she’ll just take the opportunity to run away. On the other hand, she seems to have resigned herself to talking about things now, and it seems best to play along and not give her more reason to get angry. Plus, where's she going to run to, this is where she lives.

I climb up, and find myself in what must be Saki’s bedroom. It’s cute, a little small, but nice. The most striking feature is, of course, her keyboard. I'm no expert, but even I can tell it's a really nice one, high quality and well maintained. I trace my fingers over the keys, and imagine Saki sitting here. This must be what she uses as she composes all of Ave Mujica's songs. Seated late into the night, hunched over, weaving a tapestry that one day she'll share with the world. Not like the songs she plays when we're together. The ones all for me.

As I’m examining it, I hear Saki climbing up from behind me, and so take a seat leaning up against the wall. I shuffle about, trying to get comfortable, but I’m far too restless for that. When she reaches the top, our eyes meet for the first time since back at the classroom. She sets a cup of green tea down in front of me, then takes a seat beside.

“So. What is it you feel we need to discuss?”

Her voice is curt.

I take a deep breath. I came here determined to confront Saki, to let out my frustration at her trying to push me away out of nowhere. At her trying to run away from the connection we formed. But, I struggle to find the right words. Out of all the time we’d spent together so far, today was the day I felt the most unsure of what to say, what to do. Still, I just need to press forward.

“Why did you chase me out, back at the concert?”

My voice seems to echo through the empty space. The sun shining down through the loft window feels harsh, doing nothing to improve the stale atmosphere that fills the air between us. 

“I… didn’t chase you out. We simply concluded our business, and it was time for you to leave.”

“Did we? It didn’t feel like we were finished to me.”

“You had done what I asked.”

“Was that really all? Or was there something else you wanted?”

She shrinks under the questioning, staring down into her steaming cup of tea that she still hasn’t even sipped from. She looks… vulnerable, right now. Scared, even. It makes my heart soften. Still, when she speaks, she just sounds grumpy and sour.

“I told you already, we had finished. That was it.”

“Saki,”

I try to speak more gently now,

“Why weren’t you at the music room yesterday? I was waiting for you.”

“It’s a new year. Isn’t it time to move on?”

That strikes a nerve.

“I don’t remember us ever deciding that our arrangement had a time limit.”

“Maybe I made the decision myself.”

“It affects both of us.”

“So? Maybe I just don’t care about your opinion.”

I huff, my annoyance rising once again.

“You’re saying maybe a lot. What do you actually want, Saki? Because I know it's not this.”

That makes her pause. Silence falls. I hate silence, I always have this urge to keep talking, to fill it up. But I resist that now, I wait for her as long as she needs. Eventually, finally, she speaks in a voice that sounds so very tired.

“I don’t know.”

She looks at me again, eyes golden, beautiful, and perhaps a touch forlorn.

“What about you, Anon? What is it that you want from me? Why are you here?”

It takes me off guard for a moment. But then I smile, because I know exactly what to say.

“Isn’t it obvious? I just want to listen to you play the piano.”

She keeps staring for another few seconds, then shifts her gaze over to the keyboard sitting on the other side of the loft to us. I think that we both know it’s a lie, or at least not the whole truth. But maybe a bit of dishonesty was okay, if it made things easier for the both of us to navigate.

“And you’ll do anything that I ask you in exchange?”

“Anything.”

I confirm.

“What if I asked you to leave, right now. To never speak to me again.”

“If that’s what you really want.”

It’s true that I intend to follow the rules we’ve outlined. But, I know in my heart that she could never bring herself to actually order that.

“So, come on. Give me an order.”

“You’re unfair…”

She mumbles. And it’s true, because ever since the day of the concert, I've already known what she wants. It’s just that I need her to say it, to admit it. To the both of us.

I lean in closer to her, as myriad emotions swirl around within me. Annoyance and anger. Worry and fear. But also excitement, anticipation, and something warmer and softer.

“Saki, hurry up.”

She sighs, swallows deeply, then finally speaks.

“Kiss me.”

So, she was putting the ball in my court one final time. But what choice do I have but to follow her command? I reach out, and comb through her hair with my fingers. It’s soft, and silky. Then I move my hand to her cheek, and brush the corner of her lips with my thumb, just like she had done to me on that day.

I’ve never actually done this before, and the way she’s still looking at me makes me restless and unsure.

“Hey, close your eyes.”

“You don’t get to order me around.”

Well, that’s true. I do my best to bury my discomfort, and lean the rest of the way in. Her eyes flutter shut when we’re only inches apart, and I do the same. And then, our lips meet.

I feel just as nervous as I was during MyGO!!!!!’s first concert. Maybe more.

The sensation of her lips is vivid, imprinting itself in my brain.

She’s soft, and warm.

When we pull apart, I release a shaky breath that I didn’t realise I was holding. Saki won’t look me in the eye, just staring down into her lap. But ah. I want more.

“Hey, Saki.”

I grab hold of one of her hands.

“Give me another order.”

She glances at me with a frown.

“What?”

“That was a freebie. Give me another.”

There’s a short pause, and I wonder if I’ve gone too far. But then, she speaks quietly.

“Close your eyes and stay still.”

I comply immediately, and soon feel her lips on mine again. Our second kiss.

I’d been too nervous to properly process it the first time, but this feels really good.

Warmth spreads through my body from the points of contact, both my mouth and my hand where I’m still holding hers. I give her a small squeeze. It’s like our body heat is fusing together, more intensely than any of the times I’d licked her, or she’d left hickeys on me, in the past.

A small breath slips from between my lips, the sound alone sending a strange shiver through my body. Her free hand grips my blazer, pulling closer. And then, I feel something wet and slimy, her tongue brushing against me. I shudder again, harder. Hesitantly, I part my lips for her, inviting her in.

But then, I hear something. A door opening, and a voice calling out.

“I’m home!”

Saki shoves me away, and I catch a glimpse of her bright red, panicked face as she turns and calls back.

“Welcome home!”

She shuffles to the edge of the loft, clearly trying to steady her breathing before looking down at who I presume to be her roommate.

“Hi Saki! Things finished a little early today. You look kinda red, is everything alright?”

The voice feels familiar, so I stand and move over to the edge in turn for a look. 

“Oh my gosh, Uika!”

I can’t help the excited reaction. These two really live together? What a scoop!

Huh. They live together…

Uika looks from me to Saki then back to me.

“Oh, uhm. Anon? What are you doing here?”

Saki answers for me.

“Anon was just helping me catch up with some of the work I missed during the tour. But,”

She looks to me with a pleading gaze,

“She should probably be going now.”

“… Yeah.”

I reply after only a moment. Saki looks relieved, and leads me down the stairs and back to the door. For some reason, Uika keeps shooting me strange looks, and the atmosphere feels unusually tense.

It’s clear that Saki wants me gone now, and even if I’m not entirely sure what’s going on, I let it happen. Things went well, although very differently to how I’d imagined. But, there is one last thing. I stop after stepping out the door, and look back at her.

“Saki. You’ll be at the music room again on our next day, right?”

She stares for a beat. And then, gives me a small nod.

I walk slowly on my way back home, smiling wide the whole while.

Chapter Text

“… Anon…”

“What’s up, Tomorin?”

“Are you okay?”

“Ah…”

The classroom bustles around us as I wait for Anon’s answer. She opens her mouth, then closes it again, and seems to think.

“Well, I’m alright. Just something I need to sort out, that’s all.”

I know that’s a lie. But I don’t know what else to say.

Talking to others has never been my strong suit. Communication. Always out of step with the world. Disconnected from everyone around me. Music has been an answer to that, a way to let out my screams, but it’s not an answer I can leverage in every situation, not an answer I can use here.

I’m sure Anon knows, though. She understands me better than most. She’s worked hard to. She cares for me. Now I want to care for her too, but I don’t know how. The words just aren’t there.

She's hurting, but she's trying to carry it alone. Maybe she doesn't want to burden me? But I wish she would. I wish that I could be that kind of friend.

Before I can find something else to say, the teacher calls for our attention at the front of the room, and I’m forced to turn away from her. But I can’t focus, not now, not with this on my mind. 

Even if Anon won’t say, I have an idea of what’s happening. Or, of who’s responsible. Saki.

She’s…

Hm.

They’ve been spending time together, some days after school. Anon has been listening to her play the piano. That’s good. I want Saki to be happy. I want Anon to be happy.

And each of them have made me happy, so if they can give that to one another, I’m glad. But even amidst those happy times, there’s always been turbulence; pain and sadness that throws everything into disarray.

Anon is going through one of those times right now. Even if she won’t tell me what happened, I know that it was right after one of their meetings that it began. 

She’d walked into the astronomy clubroom, and I was surprised because usually she went home on her own on those days. But when I looked, it seemed like she was on the verge of tears. I tried to ask her what was wrong, but she brushed me off then, just like today. Just sat and started practicing her guitar.

I couldn’t find the words to comfort her. I still can’t.

~~~

I visit the planetarium after school. The stars don’t hold any answers to my problems, but they help me to relax. I lose myself in the gentle dance of stars and constellations, finding something new in their beauty in spite of how many times I’ve seen them before.

By the time I leave, it’s grown dark, and some of those same stars I’ve just observed twinkle above me. I take a seat at the top of the grand staircase just outside the building, and take a moment to watch them. They shine valiantly, fighting to be seen amidst the light pollution of the city.

As I sit, I quietly mouth to myself, naming as many as I can. The simple ritual helps to keep me distracted from everything.

“Ursa Major… Ursa Minor… Lyra… Pleiades…”

“Tomori? Is that you?”

I’m startled from my thoughts by a voice I recognise. Uika. One of Saki's new bandmates. The famous idol Anon loves. I turn and look just to confirm, and see her standing just behind me, staring warmly. 

Uika is… confusing to me. She always seems nice, and encouraging. But there’s something strange beneath it, an edge I can't fathom lurking under the surface. I’m used to not fully understanding others, to not being able to see the layers of meaning they hide amidst their words. But I feel it more than ever when I speak to Uika.

“Do you mind if I sit with you?”

I nod to her, then go back to staring at the sky. The moon is out, a gentle crescent watching over the both of us. I trace its lines with my gaze, trying to guess how many days it will be until it becomes full again.

“Did you enjoy the show?”

Uika’s voice once again interrupts me. I look over, and see her staring expectantly, still with that same smile. So, I give a small nod.

“It helped me calm down.”

“Oh? Is something wrong?”

I look down at my feet, now, focusing on a small thread that’s come loose on one of my socks. My mind twists and turns as I try to find the right words to answer her.

“One of my bandmates. She’s upset. But when I try to reach out, she won’t open up to me. I just wish that I could help.”

There’s no answer at first. I keep staring down. I wonder, if I tugged on that loose thread, would it snap? Or would the whole thing unravel. Eventually, though, I hear Uika let out a soft sigh.

“I think I’m in a similar situation. My roommate’s been really moody lately. Something, or someone, is getting to her… It's worse, because I thought after everything, we would be honest with each other, now. To bare our souls completely. But whenever I ask, she just brushes me off.”

I hum. I don’t think Anon has an obligation to be totally honest with me like that. If there are things that she can’t say, I accept it. I just don’t want her to suffer alone. Isolation is too painful, and I’d already pushed her away once before.

“Still, I think we both know that there are things more powerful than words. Maybe we both just need to try a different tactic?”

I look over at Uika, her smile now broad and warm. Hm. I still don’t think a song can help, right now. But, maybe there’s another way to get across my worries. To do something for Anon. A way to go to the root of the issue.

“Well, I need to get going. Goodbye, Tomori. I hope you can get through to her.”

“Goodbye. You, too.”

I murmur as Uika stands, and starts to walk away. She gradually recedes into the distance as I think, as I turn the idea over in my head. Maybe… maybe it’s overstepping. But I’m worried for Anon. I want to help.

~~~

And so, before school the next day, I stand in front of Saki’s shoe locker, a post-it note in hand. Writing has always been easier for me than talking. Even then, I spent a long time trying to decide what exactly to put on it.

Eventually, I settled on ‘Saki. Anon has been upset lately. It makes me worry. Did something happen?’

It’s not perfect. There’s so much more that I just don’t know how to fit. But it's honest. Hopefully it at least makes her realise there’s a problem. 

I hesitate for one final moment as I open her locker and reach out to place the note. Technically, the last time I did this she got very upset. Told me to stop. But so much has happened since then. I’m sure she’ll understand.

So, I place the note, close the locker, and walk off to my classroom. Hopefully, this will be enough.

Chapter Text

I’ve been a complete mess in class today.

The lessons I’ve missed while on tour have left me scrambling to catch up with my peers, and my teachers don’t seem inclined to let me off easily. I’ve made my bed, and they expect me to lie in it. In the past, I’ve done my due diligence, cramming in whatever free time I have on hand to keep pace, and yet this time it seems that none of it has managed to stick in my memory.

It’s easy enough to identify the reason for this. Anon.

She’s enough of a distraction at the best of times, but now…

I can’t concentrate at all, my mind far too busy thinking about what we did last night. 

Even now, my hand keeps drifting up to my lips, fingers brushing lightly against them as I try to remember the sensation. What, exactly, had it felt like when her lips met mine?

Our relationship had been hard to define before, but now it felt entirely incomprehensible to me.

I have to see her today, and I have no idea how I should act. What I should do, or say, or feel. In fact, it’s tempting to just not go at all, to not have to deal with it. But Anon would be furious if I did that, after everything we just went through. And I had promised. I had a duty to fulfill to her.

Plus, I didn’t want her to think that those kisses had gotten to me, even if they really had. I’d just need to act like nothing had happened.

So, come the end of the day, I make the journey to the music room.

We’re well and truly in the midst of winter now, the windows across the school are coated with a thin layer of frost, and during the short walk outside from one building to the other a chill settles into my bones. And yet, when I step inside, I find that I’m sweating just a little.

Inside, Anon is already waiting for me. She’s sitting on the bench in front of the piano and looks up to give me an excited smile as I walk in. I’d guess she still wasn’t entirely convinced I’d show up, until right now.

I try to project an image of calm indifference as I walk into the room, all the way over to where she is. It seems that I’m not entirely successful, though, because as I draw close she snickers.

“Wow, Saki. Why so stiff?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

I glower, then take a seat on the bench right next to her. I wait for a moment, expecting her to get up and move over to her usual spot, at a seat just a short distance away. But she doesn’t. She stays sitting right there, as if it’s the most natural thing in the world.

The bench is small enough that, despite sitting as far away as I can, our shoulders are still brushing together. It makes my throat feel ever so slightly dry.

“It’ll only feel awkward for a bit.”

Anon’s voice startles me, but when I look over she’s just looking down at her phone, idly scrolling through some fashion blog. I almost think I must have imagined it, until she glances up and gives me a gentle smile. 

“I suppose,”

I reply with reluctant acceptance, and then focus my attention on the piano keys shining dully before me. For some reason, I can’t bring myself to start playing just yet. So, I try to pretend I’m stretching out my fingers, and search for something to say. As I glance about, I catch another glimpse of Anon’s phone. The screen is filled with models, all in various styles of streetwear trying to look candid in what are obviously highly staged shots.

“Is that the kind of fashion you like?”

It’s Anon’s turn to be startled, looking over to me and blinking slowly.

“Oh, uh. Yeah, I guess so. Just checking out some new trends, y’know?”

“Trends… so does that mean it’s something you actually want to wear? Or would you just do it because you think it will make people like you more?”

I say it out of legitimate curiosity, but the way Anon’s brow wrinkles and eyes go narrow make me think I may have misstepped.

“I don’t think that’s any of your business.”

I open my mouth, struggling to think of an appropriate reply, but she cuts me off before I can.

“Hey, so how did you end up doing on all the exams at the end of last semester? You still haven’t told me.”

The mention of school puts a sour taste in my mouth, and I narrow my gaze in turn.

“Well now, that’s something that’s none of your business, so I suppose we’re even.”

“I’ll show you mine, if you want. Even if you don’t want to show me yours.”

Her quick reply catches me off guard.

“Why would you even want that?”

“I’m just curious to know what you think. C’mon, I went and brought my test papers in today just so I could show you.”

“I-”

In a sense, it should be easy to say yes. She’d be the one exposing herself, after all. I wouldn't have to reveal a thing. And yet, the prospect of finding out that she might be better than me at some things makes me want to retch. So, instead, I just raise my hands up to the piano.

“Quiet now, I’m going to play.”

Anon grumbles for a moment, but then, dutifully, falls silent.

And the room is filled with my music. The piano they have here isn’t of particularly good quality. It could do with some maintenance, and tuning. Originally, the only thing that drew me here was its accessibility, somewhere I could still perform even after leaving the mansion. Recently, though, I seem to have developed a fondness for its tone. The sound it gives off feels comforting, as I weave it together into song.

As I draw close to the end of my first piece, I notice something. I have an accompaniment. Just a small one, but beside me Anon is humming along, improvising a gentle melody that dances alongside my own. She’s very quiet, so much so that I can only hear her because we’re so close right now. I wonder if she’s been doing this for a while, and this is just the first time I’ve ever noticed.

The piece comes to a close, and we both fade out. She smiles at me.

“As beautiful as always.”

I meet her gaze, and think. Perhaps it would be the nice thing to do, to extend her an olive branch. Even if I’ve had my reasons, and even if she is eternally frustrating, it’s hard to deny that I have not been wholly kind to her as of late. So,

“Anon. If you want to play something together, you could bring your guitar here with you. We could do it properly.”

Anon takes a second, and then her eyes go wide and she clamps a hand over her mouth.

“Oh my gosh. You heard that?”

The words are muffled, but still clearly audible. I give a small nod, and her cheeks turn a light shade of pink.

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t really thinking.”

“It’s fine. I was being serious.”

She grimaces, finally removing the hand from her mouth.

“You don’t need to tease me like that, I know I'm not up to your standards.”

Her reaction is a little surprising. I’m used to her seeming so confident and forceful, yet just like that she’s become all bashful. I suppose it’s not entirely unwarranted, I’m a very accomplished musician, and she’s still an amateur. But, I’ve seen a few of her performances, mostly in recordings, and I enjoy the way she plays. Sloppy, but full of heart. Just like her.

I might be inclined to put some of this into words, but at this moment I’m a little distracted. When she lowered her hand, it brushed against my leg. Tough to avoid, given our proximity, but it brings on memories. The feeling of her hand on my cheek right before we kissed. 

The soft warmth of her skin makes me tingle, and in turn makes me go tense. I wish that she wouldn’t do things like this. Leading me on, pushing me into intimacy even when I doubt she truly holds those kinds of feelings for me. She’s a tease. It's frustrating.

Then, it’s only fair if I turn the tables.

So I reach over and place my hand on her own thigh. At first on top, then smoothly slipping down to the inside, letting my fingers lightly trail over the tender skin there.

Anon practically jumps at the contact, forcing me to pull back, and her cheeks grow red.

“Saki! What the-! That tickles!”

“Stay still,”

I murmur, then place my hand back down where it had been. Almost immediately, she grabs hold of my arm with a surprising amount of force.

“Hey. I told you that tickled.”

Well, technically that isn’t telling me not to touch her, though her tone leaves little to the imagination. And yet, I’m not satisfied. Not even close.

“And I told you to stay still.”

That was the arrangement, of course. She had wanted this, she had made me come back here even when I tried to leave. So, she would do what I say. She has no right to refuse.

“And besides,”

I continue,

“I barely touched you. What’s the problem?”

She glares at me with a furrowed brow, and holds my gaze for a few moments. It’s clear that she’s unhappy, and yet I find that I like it when she looks at me like this. Eventually, though, she relents, and releases my arm with a huff.

I can’t help but smile. Still, I elect to show her some leniency. So rather than the thigh again, I begin to trail my hand up her body, over her clothes to her neck. A slight tremble runs through her when I touch bare skin, and her frown grows deeper, but otherwise she remains still. I relish her obedience.

It’s in many ways a relief. A reminder that I’m in charge here. I control her, when we’re like this. There’s no need for me to feel stiff or awkward, no need for me to worry about how to act. What I say goes.

The turmoil in my heart eases, as our relationship settles back into the pattern it should always fit.

I let my hand go higher, over the line of her jaw to cup her cheek. I brush my thumb against the corner of her lips, the same way she did right before she kissed me. It makes her blush turn a deeper red, though the displeased expression she wears doesn’t entirely fade.

The thought of kissing her again briefly enters my mind. I entertain it, but it makes my heart pound uncomfortably. Besides, I have no interest in giving her what she wants, not after she pushed me around the other day. 

So I tilt her head away from me, and trail my fingers round to her ear. I lightly brush its curve, sliding behind it, and a noticeable shiver races through her body.

“Oh? Is this one of your weak points?”

“Shut up.”

She sounds annoyed, but makes no move to push me away again. That’s good… that’s very good.

I touch it more, slowly rubbing her earlobe between my thumb and forefinger. And then a thought occurs to me. I lean in a little and examine it closely, finding the skin soft and unblemished.

“Oh, your ears aren’t pierced?”

She blinks, a momentary crack of surprise forming in her mask of displeasure.

“Uh. No?”

“It’s just, you wear earrings when you perform.”

A small light of recognition dawns behind her eyes.

“Oh, yeah, well, those are just clip-ons. I’m surprised you knew that, though?”

“I’ve watched some of your performances.”

I murmur, leaving out the part where I’d watched her in particular quite closely and hoping she doesn’t put two and two together. I keep touching to distract, slipping a finger right up and inside of her ear itself. That makes her yelp, another tremor running through her body.

But, it seems that she’s still determined to follow my order, still staying still and letting me do as I please. It’s nice that she understands. And it’s very gratifying to see someone like her, bubbly and energetic, forced to bear this discomfort in silence. All because I said so.

I lean in a little closer still, drinking in her familiar scent. So different to my own. But then, we’re very different people. Polar opposites who should have nothing in common. A sweet scent suits a dazzling girl like her in a way that it never would me. I don’t dislike it, though.

We’re about as far apart now as we were right before we kissed. My heart flutters at that realisation, but I ignore it. Instead I just press my lips to her ear.

I hold like that for a second, feeling her warmth on my lips. Her body is so very hot, right now. Then I flick my tongue out, letting it caress her earlobe, toying and teasing it.

She lets out a shaky breath, and I can’t help but smile.

It’s a shame that this all has an expiry date. Not soon, I had committed to seeing Anon here, and I would uphold that promise. But in just a couple of years, we would graduate, and we couldn’t exactly keep going to the music room then, could we?

That’s why, even if my heart seems to have decided it enjoys Anon’s company, we would inevitably part. All there is to do, is find a little enjoyment in it while I still can.

It's then that I feel Anon’s hands on my shoulders. It’s a light touch, but all the same she pushes me back, and I allow her to. 

“Saki, that’s enough, isn’t it? I think you’re going a bit far.”

Her voice is low and thick. I quirk an eyebrow.

“What makes you think that?”

She looks away, and my eyes focus on the delightful way her cheeks are flushed. Her breathing is ragged, and she squirms slightly on the spot. I realise, and I laugh.

“You’re such a pervert, Anon. That was nothing.”

Regardless, I think she may have a small point. That was plenty for her payment today. I need to uphold my end of the bargain. So, I turn my attention back to the piano, settle my fingers on the keys, and without waiting for her to recover, begin to play. The music is beautiful.

~~~

That night, back at the apartment, I sit and stare at my keyboard. Slowly, I reach out, and press down a key, letting a long low note ring out through the empty space. Then, I press another, and another, and gradually do my best to recreate the melody Anon had been humming earlier. 

It’s simple, but sweet, and fun. I do my best to commit it to memory, then sit back and sigh. If I played this back to her, would she recognise it? Would she be delighted? Or would she have already forgotten her own little creation.

In a way it’s strange that whenever she’s involved, the simple act of performing seems to take on this great weight. A pressure. A need to impress.

As I sit, and think, and sigh, my phone buzzes, interrupting my introspection. I fish the offending device out of my bag, and thumb the power button. It’s a message from Mutsumi’s number, though the way it’s written makes me assume it must be from Mortis. And the contents-

Sakiko
Hey
Sakiko
What’s up with you and Anon?

Make my blood run cold. I write, then delete, then rewrite, before finally settling on a reply.

Why do you think something’s up?

I drum my fingers incessantly as I wait, until,

Nyamu told me she saw a girl with pink hair running away from you after the show at Budokan lmao

I curse my own carelessness. It had been lucky in the first place that Nyamu was the only one who saw her back then, but of course she would gossip. And then,

+ Uika said she was over at your place the other day.
lol

Ugh. I give my temples a rapid massage in a vain attempt to stave off the headache I can feel coming on. I’d already assumed Uika hadn’t entirely brought my excuse the other day, but if she was lamenting the fact to the rest of the band it more or less confirmed she thought something was up. 

And if Uika properly catches wind of what me and Anon have been doing together, she’ll definitely… well, have some kind of freak out. That would be disastrous for the band, and I can’t have that. I need to manage her properly.

I can’t exactly change my excuse at this point, so instead, I double down. Maybe it doesn't make complete sense, but I'll do what I need to, to make it convincing.

We’ve just been studying together.

Chapter Text

I was bored. Booooored. Boooooooooooooooooored.

Why, you ask? Well, that’s because everything seems to have gone back to normal between me and Saki. Normal is good, in its own way, of course. Normal means that she isn’t trying to avoid me. But…

It’s been just over a week since we kissed, now, and I kinda thought that was going to change things between us. It seemed like it did at first, the day after she was so nervous and awkward, and then she did… well, a whole lot. Probably a little more than I was comfortable with all at once, but still, it was something.

But now it’s like she’s trying her hardest to pretend nothing is going on. Both the last time we met, and today, she’s just asked me to kiss her ring (read: lick her fingers) again, and nothing more than that. It’s like we’re stepping back in time to when we’d only just started meeting up.

Speaking of, right now my tongue is gliding over her fingers, wrapping around and caressing them one by one. Saki is staring down at me, trying to look impassive, though the effect is ruined a bit by how pink her cheeks are. She’s cute like this, at the very least.

I guide her ring finger between my lips, twirling my tongue slowly around its tip, marvelling at the contrast between her body heat and the chill of the room around me. She sucks in a short breath, and then presses it in further, and further, until I can feel the cool metal of her ring against my lips.

And that’s another thing that bothers me. I can’t stop thinking about this little ring. I don’t know where it came from, and I can’t bear to ask. But I remember Uika. I remember the way she looked at me when she walked in on us back at the apartment. At the time I was too caught up in the moment, too surprised, to really think, but…

Why were they living together? And since when?

At times like these I’m forced to realise that I know so little about Saki’s life. I know she’s from a rich family, the Togawa group. I know her Dad was responsible for some massive fraud, he was kicked out of the family, and that was part of why she left Crychic. I know that, at least when Tomorin and I got in the car with her that afternoon, she was still living in the family mansion. And I know that now, apparently, she’s living in that apartment with Uika.

So… what? 

I pull back and nuzzle against her knuckles, letting her drag her wet fingers against my cheek.

Maybe they eloped? Uika gave her this ring, helped her leave her family behind, and now they’re together to live happily ever after?

That seems a little ridiculous, and maybe I’m just jumping to the worst possible conclusion, but it wouldn’t exactly be inconsistent with the way they act on stage. 

I just wish I knew whatever was going on. Maybe then I would know what me and Saki are supposed to be to each other.

Saki releases a long, low breath, cups my chin for a moment, then pulls her hand back.

“That was good,”

She pauses, then daintily pulls a phone from her pocket to check the time.

“I think there’s time for one last song.”

I get up off the floor and take a moment to dust myself off, before plopping down on the bench next to her. That was my one little win in all of this, the fact that so far she hadn’t tried to force me to sit away from her again.

“Alrighty, I’m ready.”

She settles her hands on the keys, ready to go. But then she stops. I wait, and wait, but nothing comes. When I glance at her face, there’s clearly something on her mind. She’s looking at me too, and when our eyes meet she startles, then finally speaks slowly.

“Oh, one other thing. I know we wouldn’t normally meet tomorrow, but your exam results. Bring them, and come show me after school.”

I blink slowly as I process what she just said.

“Wait… why?”

At that, her brow furrows.

“You were the one who wanted to show me so badly. Don’t ask questions.”

And with that, she launches into the next song, leaving me sitting there stunned.

~~~

The next day, as requested, I pack my old exam papers into my bag and bring them along with me. I spend the whole day idly wondering what reason there could be for Saki’s sudden request. 

Maybe there’s no real reason, just a whim. That was more or less why I’d asked about it in the first place, just a random thought, something simple that might let us get a teensy bit closer. That might, in a way, help me to understand just a little more about her.

But she wasn't the kind of girl to do something on a whim, not after refusing so vehemently every time I’d brought it up. Sometimes it was just too hard to get inside her head.

Regardless, after lessons end I make my way over to her classroom, slipping my way in and over to where she sits. She’s reading a book, and doesn’t take notice of my presence until I’m practically on top of her, at which point she narrows her eyes at me.

“I didn’t ask you to come into my classroom.”

I raise my eyebrow, as if I don’t know why she’s unhappy. Around us, girls glance and chitter, clearly curious about what’s going on between us.

“What was I supposed to do, wait by your shoe locker?”

She grumbles, but otherwise doesn’t protest any further, instead just holding her hand out expectantly. I set my bag down, fish my papers out, and then pass them to her.

After that, I simply stand awkwardly as she leafs through them, checking my results in each subject. For some reason, she starts to look more and more annoyed as she goes, until eventually she reaches the end.

“I thought you said you were bad at English.”

She sounds positively disgruntled, and I tilt my head to the side.

“No, I said I didn’t like English. I do pretty well at it.”

“Hm. Alright then,”

She holds the papers back out to me.

“We’re going to start studying together from now on.”

I’m halfway through returning those papers to my back when I process what it is she just said, at which point I stand back bolt upright and stare incredulously at her.

“Wait, what? Why?”

“It’s the excuse I’ve used with my band for why we’ve been spending time together. It’ll be more believable if we actually do it. You can help me catch up on the material I’ve missed.”

“That’s been your excuse? How does that even make sense? Were we studying together in the dressing room after your concert?”

She stares at me blankly, and I get the distinct impression she really hasn’t thought this through. But… I mean, I don’t exactly like studying, but I can’t say I’m entirely opposed to the idea of spending a little more time with Saki, outside the confines of our little arrangement. Plus, it seems as if she’s already made up her mind, and I doubt it’d be easy to change it. So, with a sigh, I relent,

“Alright, fine. When do you wanna do it?”

“Today works, if we go to your house.”

I frown. She’s really got all this worked out, huh? Still, it’s not as if I’m busy. I kinda hate just giving in, but maybe this will be a step in a good direction. I can hope.

“Sure.”

And so, after she packs up her things, we make our way out of the school together. Hey, at least this time we’re actually walking side by side, rather than me chasing after her. But I can’t help but feel a little strange. This will be the first time she sees my house. It makes me strangely self conscious.

Saki sets a brisk pace, which might be a good idea given the grey clouds that are gradually rolling in overhead. Except for the fact that she doesn’t actually know where we’re going, and so I’m forced to walk even faster to lead the way.

I try a few times to chat as we walk, or as we wait at the tram stop, or as we sit down side by side on the tram itself. But, as is usually the case, she remains short and clipped in all her answers to me. Sometimes, it feels like the two of us are making progress, and sometimes she’s just so cold.

The quiet leaves me feeling uncomfortable, and gives me plenty of opportunity to regret agreeing to this as we make it closer and closer to, and then eventually arrive at, my house. I’m not sure what a rich girl might think of it, but I like my family’s little place well enough.

My parents aren’t home just yet, and so the house is silent as I take her inside and show her to my room. It feels a little surreal, seeing her here. Before today, I’m not sure I would’ve believed that this would actually happen, or at least not anytime soon.

“Well, you can set your things up on the table just there. Do you want something to drink? We have coffee, tea, juice-”

“Tea would be nice.”

She cuts me off, seeing to only be half paying attention as she wanders around my room, examining the space. Well, I guess I kinda did the same thing when I visited her place, so I can’t complain too much. I just wish I knew what she thought. Does it look cool? Dorky? Cheap?

I go grab the drinks, tea for her and me to match, and by the time I’m back she’s already hard at work, with textbooks and worksheets spread out over my table, and her blazer shrugged off. I set the cups down, and take a glance over what she’s working on. Maths.

“Ah, you made a mistake here.”

“What?”

She looks up at me like a deer caught in headlights.

“This problem here, you substituted the values the wrong way around.”

Her gaze falls back down to the page, then hangs there as she frowns deeply.

“Aw, c'mon Saki,”

I laugh, and give her a playful little poke,

“Is it that much of a pain getting corrected? If we’re actually gonna be studying together, we’re probably gonna be doing that a bunch.”

She goes stiff at the touch, then suddenly shifts over, putting a little space in between us. Only then does she grab an eraser and fix the mistake.

Saki can be so strange sometimes. She can be so bold about touching, going so far as to get me all… like that, and yet other times she acts so uncomfortable with it. Like she hates it. That can really cut me deep, y’know?

I grab out my own things, and settle down. Nearby her, but respecting the distance she created. And then, I simply study. Despite her being here, I’m mostly just working on my own, finishing the homework I’ve had dumped in my lap that day. Occasionally, I look over and see what Saki’s up to, try to offer her some pointers or corrections when I notice something I can point out. But it only seems to make her more and more annoyed.

I kinda thought that was the whole point of studying together, y’know, helping each other out, right? And it’s not as if I’m giving her bad advice, I’m not the smartest girl in the world, but I do well enough. But no, it seems like despite being the one to request this, she doesn’t actually want any help.

Time drags on, until eventually I feel like I just can’t take it anymore, and drop my head down onto the table with a thunk. The noise startles Saki, her shoulders jolting slightly, though she doesn’t look up.

“I’m bored. Let's take a break.”

Her pen keeps scratching away at the page for a few seconds. I think she might be ignoring me, at first, but then all of a sudden she stops, and lets out a sigh.

“Yes, that might be beneficial.”

Great. I sit back up and stretch my arms out above my head. It’s funny just how much sitting there writing can tire you out.

“Did you wanna do something? I have some games, or-”

“I have an idea,”

She cuts me off, an imperious smile already forming on her face, and holds out her hand.

“Lick.”

I pause, and pout. To be honest, I’d already guessed she had an ulterior motive like this in coming here. But that didn’t mean I have to be happy.

“Who says you get to order me around? This isn’t our usual arrangement.”

“True, this is different. But, I’m doing you a favour by being here, so don’t you think you should repay me?”

That doesn’t really make sense to me. I mean, I’m really the one helping her out here, so if anything she’s the one who should be repaying me. Unless she thinks just spending time with me is doing me a favour?

At the same time though, I recognise it for what it is. She wants, or maybe needs, to couch all this in the framework we’ve been using up till now. I’d much rather just be able to do things with her, to touch or feel or kiss, without needing the pretense of orders and favours to justify it. But… I’d rather have this than nothing at all.

And so I shuffle across the floor closer to her, and take her hand in my own, then raise it to my mouth.

I trail my tongue slowly across her fingers, leaving a trail of spit across the line of her knuckles. And then I trail across, shifting around to her palm, tracing its outline slowly before planting an opened mouthed kiss right in its centre. 

She’s staring at me with half-lidded eyes. Always so intent, drinking in every detail of what I’m doing to her. Idly, I reach up and loosen my tie, hoping it might provide some relief from the heat that seems to be all around us all of a sudden. 

“Don’t stop.”

She urges me on, and reflexively I obey, pressing my tongue out and swirling it in slow circles. It’s embarrassing. I hate how easy it is to just go along with whatever she says. How she thinks she can just look down at me like this, and how I let her. When she pulls her hand away just slightly, I follow after, not breaking contact. Displeasure tickles the back of my scalp when she lets out a short, low laugh.

“That’s good. You’re so much more manageable, like this.”

Her voice crackles, a husky edge to it that makes me tingle deep inside. I hate it. I take her thumb into my mouth, and rest my teeth gently against it, taking a moment to gauge her reaction. The prospect of a bite doesn’t seem to phase her, though, and she just presses down on my tongue, pinning it to the bottom of my mouth.

“What now?”

She almost seems to be challenging me, and I know that this won’t work as any meaningful kind of rebellion. So I suck once on her thumb, then release it with a pop, and instead move down to her wrist, swirling my tongue around the hard nub of bone. 

And then, I slip my hand over, and pop open the button of her blouse sleeve. Her eyes are curious, now, as I move up her arm, sliding the sleeve up as I trail licks along the lines of her tendons and veins. When I reach her elbow, I press my lips to the inside in a wet kiss. I don't miss the little tremor that runs through her body at the moment I make contact. Idly, I try to imagine it’s her lips that I’m meeting.

My imagination is interrupted when she grabs hold of my bangs, and pulls me away from her.

“That’s enough.”

She murmurs, voice gravelly and cheeks flushed in spite of her frown.

“Why’s that?”

“Because you’re only meant to lick my hand. Don’t do things I don’t tell you to.”

“I don’t remember you saying it had to be your hand, you just asked me to lick.”

“Well then, you were doing plenty besides just licking, weren’t you?”

She slowly examines her arm, where I’d been only moments ago.

“You better not have been trying to leave a mark.”

I sit back and roll my eyes.

“Please, I wouldn’t do that. I’m not you.”

That last jab was maybe a little unnecessary, but I’m not in the best mood. It’s not clear if she even cares, as she doesn’t seem to give much of a reaction, just rolling her sleeve back down and redoing the button. And then, we’re just left sitting there.

I reach over for my cup of tea, but find that I finished it all a while ago. Annoying, because my mouth feels exceedingly dry right now. 

Saki’s still frowning deeply, but now seems to be lost in thought, staring down into her lap. 

And so, I speak up again.

“Saki. What is it that you want from me?”

She jolts from her distracted state, then looks at me with confusion swimming in her eyes. 

“What?”

“Last time I asked, you said you didn’t know. I was wondering if you did, now.”

She stares at me for a few long seconds.

“I don’t have to tell you that.”

Is her unsatisfactory answer. And so, I lean in closer to her. Closer, and closer, and watch as her eyes slowly go wide. Eventually, when our noses are just barely not touching, I stop, and look deep into her eyes. It would be so easy to just lean in that last little bit. To let our lips meet again. But I’m not sure how she would react. Especially when-

“Don’t do things I don’t tell you to.”

She murmurs softly, and so I reluctantly pull back, and put some distance in between us again.

“Do you want to stay for dinner?”

I ask, trying to ignore the way my stomach is twisting and turning.

“No. I should be getting home.”

Chapter Text

Anon and I have gradually begun to settle into our new routine.

Previously we had only met two days a week, after school in the music room; but now there was a third, at her home to study. It was an adjustment, to be sure, but at least there was some familiarity in it. Even on those days, she would still let me order her around. 

It was only fair, of course. I was opening myself up, showing vulnerability. Letting her see some of my weaknesses, even letting her correct me. It’s only right that she should have to give me something in return.

Still, this whole thing is a pain, and I wouldn’t even entertain the idea if I didn’t feel like it would help me to keep this all a secret. Lying is a challenge, and so turning my story into at least a partial truth was necessary. 

It had been a few weeks of this, now, as our third semester passed us by. Before too long, it would be over and we would begin our second year. That probably won’t make a difference, though. Whatever comes, I feel sure at this point that I’ll keep meeting up with Anon until we graduate. Even if I didn’t want to, she’d just follow me home again.

I’m becoming a little more comfortable, here in her room, at least. Not that I can relax, but it’s familiar, now. It’s a room that suits her, form over function, flashy accessories and decorations all over the walls and floor. By extension then, it’s a room that doesn’t suit me. Being a visitor in it isn’t so bad though.

On this particular afternoon, a drizzle of rain beats away at the windows as the two of us sit together putting pen to paper. For some reason, Anon wears a small smile on her face. She seems pleased with herself, marking a contrast with my own much more muted mood.

We’ve been working on English, and she’s managed to make a number of corrections to my grammar over the course of our time here. I hate to admit it, but she’s better at the language than I am, and my frustration at that is only causing me to make more mistakes. That, and the fact that I’m just distracted in general.

My thoughts have a tendency to drift about when I’m with Anon. To backstage, after the concert, when I gave her a hickey right on the chest. To back at my apartment, when she kissed me, and I kissed her. These moments are gradually etching themselves deeper and deeper into my mind, becoming special among my many memories. 

The more time I spend with her, the more significant these memories will become. And in turn, the more that we do together, the more of these special memories I’ll have. It’s inevitable.

And I hate that.

Because I know that inevitably these memories will turn sour, tainted by separation and loss. Even the sweetest and purest of relationships have to come to an end, be it gradual or sudden. And maybe you can find joy and solace in those memories, like I was eventually able to with Crychic. But maybe they’ll just drag you down, like a dead weight on your soul.

I don’t want to take that chance, I don’t want to risk more scars. But it’s not as if I can help it. It’s not as if I can stay away. 

“You missed an apostrophe, there.”

Anon’s voice is bright and clear, and oh so very frustrating as she leans over the table and taps the sentence I just wrote out with her pen. She’s right, of course. Just like the last few times.

I still don’t like it.

As she starts to pull away and return to her own work, my annoyance flares, and on reflex as much as anything I reach out and snag the pen from her hand. She blinks, clearly a little surprised as I glare back at her.

“We should take a break.”

I speak calmly, and she just sighs.

“Already?”

“Yes.”

She leans back on the palms of her hands, looking at me with a raised eyebrow. But, after a brief staredown she concedes with a shrug.

“Fine, what should I do?”

“Just stay still.”

At that, she grimaces.

“That’s always the order you give when you’re about to do something weird.”

I narrow my eyes as I shuffle around the table to her side.

“I don’t do weird things. And I’m not going to now.”

If anything, Anon is the one who’s always being strange. Licking me in places I don’t ask, biting and sucking, doing all sorts of things that I never asked her to. I always have a good reason for the things that I do, unlike her who always seems to act on a whim. Most of the time, when I do maybe go a little far, it’s even her fault for teasing me, for pushing me, for making me feel unusual things.

And if she’s going to insist on this relationship, then she should be willing to put up with that much, at the very least.

When I reach her side, she turns to face me and rolls her eyes, but then after that stays still. I suppose that means she’s obeying, despite her defiance. It’s a little annoying, though, because now if I do what I had planned, I just know she’ll call it strange, and act like she was right all along.

Still, I’m not going to let her control me like that. So I reach out, and calmly unfasten her tie, pulling it off of her neck, and then reach for the buttons of her blouse. She gradually goes stiff, looking at me with a clearly unamused expression.

Thankfully, though, she doesn’t say anything, even though I can tell she’s just dying to.

I pop the buttons open, one by one, fingers dancing down her chest until the halfway mark. Then I stop, and hesitate. I could go further, could take it off entirely. I’d done it before, even. Yet just thinking about it makes my throat go dry and a tremor shiver through my heart.

So I leave it at that, and pull her blouse open as much as I can. The top of her chest is now exposed, rising and falling slowly as she breathes, skin smooth and unblemished. I stare, fixating on the spot where I’d left the hickey those weeks ago. There’s no trace of it now.

“How long did it last?”

I murmur, voice strangely croaky and raw. Anon is quiet for a few long moments, before giving a slow shrug.

“It started to fade after a few days. By a week it was totally gone.”

Just like the last one. I brush my fingers over the spot, about halfway between her bra and her collarbone, gently rubbing at it. I hate it. I need more than just that, need something that will finally make me feel secure. Something that won't just disappear from her as if it was never there at all, as if it never mattered to her.

I press two of my nails into her skin, soft at first, but then harder and harder until my hand is shaking with the effort and she shouts out in alarm.

“Saki!”

She disobeys me, then. Grabbing at my wrist and wrenching my hand away. But I decide not to get angry with her. I’m being unreasonable, I know that, of course I do. I just can’t help it.

Two angry red crescents are left behind, and I can't stop myself from staring and drinking in every little detail of them. They look sore, maybe, but they're not something that will scar. I didn’t even break the skin. I try not to feel disappointed. 

When I finally tear my gaze away from her chest, I see that she’s glaring at me, anger swimming behind her eyes. We’re very close together, right now. I’d been shifting closer and closer to her this whole time, without really realising it. When she lets out a little huff of breath, I can feel it clearly against my cheek.

Getting close like this always feels dangerous. Even if she’s upset, I feel like she’d let me kiss her right now. Like she wouldn't push me away, like she might even hold me close. And as my head swims and stomach clenches, I know without a doubt that I want that very badly. But I also know that if I do, this will undoubtedly become another day that I remember for weeks, months, maybe years to come. And the fear that brings is enough to overpower my desire.

So instead, I murmur,

“Did you change your shampoo?”

She blinks, confusion overriding her anger. I think that I must be right, because rather than the strawberry and vanilla scent that I’ve come to associate with her, she smells more like rosewater right now. I continue on,

“You should change it back. I liked the older one better.”

An exasperated sigh slips through her lips.

“What did I say about being weird?”

“That’s not weird. It’s a normal thing to comment on.”

And then, quickly enough that I can’t react, she closes the distance between us and plants a kiss on my right on my mouth. It’s over before I can even process that it was happening, and immediately my heart aches with desire, and I instinctually lean in just a little to chase after her. I clamp down on that instinct, though, and focus instead on trying to get upset with her. She speaks up before I can formulate a response,

“That was payback. You did something weird, even after you said that you wouldn't.”

With that, she plants her palm flat against my chest, and shoves me back. I splutter as she begins closing her blouse back up.

“Wha- I just-”

“We should get back to studying.”

Annoyance and anger start welling up inside me as the surprise fades. How dare she? How could she do something like that out of nowhere? I fix her with a glare, but she doesn’t even acknowledge it, just turning back to the table and picking up her pen to resume her work. I open and close my mouth a few times as I struggle to think of something to say, but eventually, defeated, shuffle back over to my place opposite her.

I can’t just go back to study, though, not when my heart is still roiling with that storm of emotion. So as I stare down at the page, I mutter,

“I don’t remember us ever agreeing that you would get payback if I did something like that.”

“Well, maybe you aren’t the only one who gets to add things onto the agreement whenever she feels like it.”

She answers without looking up, and then begins to write, the soft sound of her pen scratching on paper filling the air. Without anything good to say back to that, I do the same, though it’s hard to really make much progress under the circumstances. I'm still struggling to even process what happened. After a few minutes of nothing in particular, though, right when my frustration at Anon and my frustration at schoolwork are beginning to blend together into a dangerous cocktail, she speaks up again.

“You were right, I did change my shampoo. And… I might change it back. I do think the old one was nicer.”

The concession catches me off guard, and I look up at her with wide eyes. She’s still just looking down at her book, so intently that for a brief moment I think that I might have just imagined her talking. But then, she continues, voice hesitant.

“Would you stay for dinner tonight? My parents are out, it would just be us.”

I hesitate in turn as her words sink in. We’ve eaten together once before, back in the early days of our relationship, when after Tomori left me a note I became so worried that I’d scared her off I let her take me out to a restaurant. Now though, it feels different. Weightier. Part of me worries that, after all that, if I stay too much longer I might get angrier and angrier until I take it out on her in some way that I’ll regret.

But… that meal we had together. It was nice. So, I slowly open my mouth.

“Okay.”

Chapter Text

It feels a little surreal, seeing Saki sitting at my dining room table. Like it was a scene that shouldn’t be, something a little out of step with reality. And yet, there she is.

She’s sitting with a frustrated expression on her face, firing off rapid text messages. The overhead lights paint her with a hazy glow, warm and golden against her pale hair and skin, and I’m struck by just how pretty she is. It’s no wonder she’s able to pull off the whole goddess thing. 

It’s no wonder I feel so out of place next to her. 

The microwave beeps beside me, and I click open the door to remove one now formerly frozen meal and replace it with another. The only meal that I have lined up and ready to go for tonight isn't exactly classy, just boring old microwave curry and rice. If I had known she’d be staying for dinner ahead of time, I would’ve made sure to have some proper food ready to go. For that matter, if I remembered that this was all I had, I might not have invited her like I did.

In an ideal world, I'd have something that I could actually cook myself. Like properly cook. Or that we could cook together, provided I could convince her to help out. I wouldn’t say that I’m an experienced chef, but I know a little, and I think trying something like that sounds like it would be nice. Especially seeing as I doubt she’ll give me many opportunities for the two of us to eat together in the future.

Anyway, this is the situation I find myself in, standing around heating up frozen curry in the microwave. No sense worrying about it more than I already have. 

The microwave keeps humming away, monotonous as always, and from the table I hear Saki sigh to herself.

I wonder what made her say yes today. Maybe I’m just that persuasive.

I stifle a small laugh. Well, it’s obviously not that, given how easily she typically turns me down. Maybe she just recognised how badly I wanted her to, or maybe she just felt a little sorry for me after hurting me before? Though that’s unlikely. Honestly I’m surprised she didn’t do something worse after I kissed her without permission, or at the very least storm out of the house.

I wish I understood how she saw me, even just a little better than I do now. I like it when people like me. I like it when they think I’m a good person, or that I’m funny, or interesting. And most of the time, I can pull that off well. I can be fun and charming and with enough effort keep the attention of all the girls in my class on me.

I’d especially like for her to feel and think all of that. To see me that way. But I have my doubts. Because she’s seen too much of me, and knows too much about my ulterior motivations, for that to be true.

But it’s not as if I’m the only one with ulterior motivations. Our entire relationship has been transactional from the start, the only reason she’s ever allowed me to be close to her is because she can get something from me. That was the case back in the music room, and now she’s carried it into my home too.

I can accept that, or at least I can try to, but it’s not easy. It’s something that hangs over every moment we spend together, lurking in the back of my mind. And as our connection grows stronger, the weight of these transactions grows heavier, harder to ignore.

But it’s too late for that to change now. Clinging to that was the only way I was able to convince her not to leave me behind. And I’m in too deep to be able to bear that. To be able to let her go.

The microwave beeps again, and mechanically I move to take the second meal out. Really, I should wait for this one to stand for a few minutes, but… I can’t be bothered.

I empty the two containers into separate bowls, and then stop and stare down at the messy piles of microwave curry and rice. It doesn’t look especially appetising, and the thought of how Saki might react to being served this makes me fret. But it’s not as if I have anything else.

So I pick the bowls up, and carry them over to the table.

When I set hers down in front of her, Saki stares down at it blankly, and I feel a twinge of self consciousness. I do my best to ignore it, and sit down opposite her, then search for something to say. It’s never easy to know how to approach a conversation with her. Before I can settle on anything, though, she looks up at me.

“Let's eat.”

She starts without waiting for me to reply, and I feel a sense of relief that she at least doesn’t seem to be judging my poor excuse for a meal too harshly. Ah, the way she eats is kinda cute, though. Such excellent table manners.

“Let's eat.”

I answer after a moment, and start on my own food. We eat in relative silence, which is something that I would typically be uncomfortable with. By now, though, it’s familiar being like this with her. It’s kind of nice, actually, once my nerves ease off a little. I wish she’d agree to eat with me more often.

This might end up being the last meal we share together as first years. Not that it matters all that much, just… I dunno. Things are going to be changing. Maybe not between us, but in our lives. 

Plus, we’re going to have exams soon, which is always a pain, and then holidays, meaning we won’t be seeing each other for a while. I don’t like that.

Maybe that’s for the best, though. It might be good for me to focus on spending a little more time with my other friends. Not that she’s my friend, she’s always quite insistent on that fact, I remind myself. But still.

Saki occupies far too much of my time. Not just the actual time we spend together, but all the long nights she spends dancing through my mind. 

A little break could be healthy. Could give me a chance to reset and recover, before we see each other again.

Ugh. It’s all just a little exhausting to think about.

Across the table for me, I hear the clink of cutlery being set down, and glance up to see that Saki is already finished. Oh, wow. I’m not even halfway through.

“Were you hungry?”

I ask innocently enough, and she looks up at me with surprise, an uncharacteristic hint of pink in her cheeks.

“No.”

She denies quickly. I can’t help but snort in amusement. Is that really something worth feeling embarrassed about?

“Well, did you like it then?”

“It was delicious.”

As always, she’s short and blunt with me. That’s comforting, in its own way. I can understand it, at least.

It seems like she really did enjoy it though. That’s surprising to me given how low quality it was. Well, it’s fine by my standards. Pretty nice, even, as far as microwave meals go. But maybe that’s just the effect of eating with someone else.

She looks down at her phone and starts doing something or other while I finish eating. I do wish there was something that we could chat about at times like this. But we don’t belong to the same friend groups, we have such different lives; the only thing we really have in common is music, and that feels like a bit of a loaded topic given everything we do.

So I just focus on eating, and in no time at all, I’m done too. She stands almost as soon as I swallow my final mouthful, as if she’d been waiting eagerly for that exact moment. Well, she probably had, hadn’t she?

“I should be going.”

I glance out one of the windows. Earlier, it had been raining, but it seems to have cleared up now. Maybe, if it hadn’t stopped, if it had grown heavier, I could’ve convinced her to stay the night.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

I deal with our dirty dishes as she returns to my room to pick up her things, then follow her to the door to see her off. As she slips her shoes on, I try to ignore the way my stomach coils uncomfortably inside me. 

I don’t want her to leave. But I know that’s ridiculous. 

When she gets to her feet, she turns to face me, expression as reserved as ever.

“Well, I’ll see you at school.”

I should say goodbye, or maybe just nod, or wave, or any number of things. But instead, my hand shoots out, and grabs hold of her wrist.

“Wait.”

My mouth feels uncomfortably dry all of a sudden, and so my voice comes out as an awkward croak. She’s visibly surprised, but before she can question what I’m doing, I pull her closer. She stumbles into me, and I settle my free hand on her waist to keep her steady.

Her eyes are wide for a moment, then narrow with clear irritation. I know that she’s going to shove me away, and sooner rather than later, which means I need to act quickly. But what am I even doing? To be honest, I’m not really sure.

Close up like this, I could kiss her easily. But I shouldn’t. It was lucky that she let me get away with it earlier, doing it again is just asking for trouble. Not that I’m not already asking for trouble, but… I don’t know. Maybe I’m just scared. But I also can't help myself.

So instead I lean into her neck, just above her collar, and press my lips to the skin there. I kiss her lightly, but even that’s enough to make her go stiff and then roughly shove me back.

She's glaring at me so very angrily as I stumble back, a hand clamped over her neck where I’d just been, and despite everything I can't stop myself from letting out a small laugh. What can I say? She's cute like this.

“What was that?”

She demands, and I stifle my laughter. I’ve gone a bit too far, I know that, and the way I'm reacting is definitely not helping my case.

“It was nothing. No marks.”

“There better not be.”

There’s a dusting of pink in her cheeks, quite at odds with her dangerous frown, that makes my heart flutter. All the same, I brace myself for her anger. Maybe even violence. I'm asking for it, after all. But it doesn’t really come. Her gaze falls down to the ground; the frown is still there, but it shrinks, and then after a few more moments she simply turns away.

“Goodbye, Anon.”

I blink. Between the kiss earlier, dinner, and now this, she’s really letting me get away with a lot tonight. Not that I’d gotten off completely scott free, I still have the marks she left on my chest after all. But…

“Goodbye, Saki.”

I reply after a moment, when she’s already halfway out the door. And without another word, she’s gone.

With her acting this way, it leaves me wondering what else she might let me get away with. How far she'd let me go with only a glare and a frown as retribution. And that’s a dangerous line of thought to entertain.

I find that I keep pondering that thought for the rest of the night, lying awake in bed into the early hours of the morning.