Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Felix felt truly lost in his life for the first time in a while. He didn't even know how long he was stuck in the circus, felt like decades, but when he came back, merely a few years had passed. His world, once filled with vivid colours has been dimmed down into something that he knew was normal, but it was like his mind couldn't accept it.
At first upon returning, it was like he dissociated until he reached the place he felt was familliar. He found his old apartment building. His apartment was pretty much intact, nothing was stolen or broken, despite the shitty neighbourhood he lived in, and he quickly tried to piece his life back together.
Now, not even a week later, he felt like he made no progress at all. Or more yet, that being pulled out of the sweet order he worked so hard to build in the circus fucked him up so badly that he felt like giving up on this life already. The worst thing about this was how much he dissociated from the world. His life, his body...everything...felt like he was watching a TV show, but it was real and...he was having a hard time coping with it. Especially with his body. Everytime he looked in the mirror, he kinda expected that purple rabbit to show up, but instead it was... him. His freckled face with piercing blue eyes and bleached short hair with dark roots already growing out.
Yet there were some details about him he couldn't remember at first. One of which he stumbled upon taking a shower. On his arms were some white lines. He was confused at first, but then his body was wrecked with memories of how he got these scars. How he couldn't handle living anymore, so everytime he felt down, he just...doesn't matter. He swore to himself that day that he wouldn't be like that. Never again...

He woke up tired. He couldn't seem to get sleep due to his memories haunting him, even in his dreams. He wondered if everyone made it out safely. If they were all okay... No wait, why would he think that? He didn't care about anyone. He didn't care if they were all with their families happily reuniting, if they already moved on, if they went back to that job as an accountant for a supermarket chain. His mind wandered to Pomni. He felt his heart ache and he curled up on his couch, hugging himself. He missed her. He missed her so bad that she managed to sneak her way into his every thought.
He quickly pushed her aside with all mental power he had and got up. He had to get ready for his early shift at this café job he just managed to get. Despite feeling his life losing meaning, he decided he needs to keep on living and slowly get his shit together. And he needed money for therapy. So he got up, brushed his teeth (while avoiding the gaze of the man in the mirror), put some decent clothes he thrifted yesterday and packed his apron he got after his succesful job interview. He checked the time and saw that it was already 7:10 AM, he had 20 minutes to get there.
Getting to work was suprisingly easy. It was close, and walking through the morning city kinda managed to ground him a bit after something that was barely 2 hours of sleep. Upon arrival, he saw his now-coworker, he assumed, sweeping the floor. He was around his 30s and looking like he was about to death-sentence Felix. He didn't even bother to greet and just went ahead with the job.
„So, your job is making sure everything is clean and fuctioning. That means cleaning tables, serving tables, filling up coffee machines, ice mashines, whatever. So be a sweetheart and do that, mm'kay?"
Felix felt his eye twitch as his blood heated upon hearing that nickname. Sweetheart? What am i, his fucking niece? But he obliged.
First hour dragged. He done nothing but check every mashine and container, re-stocking it if it was needed, but other than that, nobody showed up for their extra early coffee. The man - nametag said Bruce - finished sweeping a while ago and was now scrolling on Instagram, and Felix would be damned if he tried small-talking with that dude.
The second hour was the time when people actually started showing up. Felix was just dissociating again when he heard Bruce honk at him.
„Oi, you..." he looked at his nametag, „Jax! Serve the customers!“
Felix froze. He looked at his nametag and saw he had accidentally written Jax instead of Felix.
„I'm actually Felix!" He yelled, but his calls were unaswered. Great, he was feeling like shit again. He didn't matter, his whole identity, the one he had just regained, was already swooped back and replaced with the one more familiar to him, yet not truly his.
He shook his head and went back to working. God knows he needs the cash, and making a bad impression on the first day was not ideal.
Felix just had a second to breathe among all these people having their morning coffee, until he heard that dreaded bell sound again and the door opened. In walked two women, one shorter than the other. The taller one had sun-kissed skin with red cheeks and blonde hair, loudly laughing at something. And the shorter one was...odd. Like a complete opposite of what one could assume was her friend. Her skin was unusually pale, she had dark eyes and brown short hair with bangs. She looked extremely well-put-together, like she was about to give a business presentation. She was...kinda hot?
„I can't believe that happened to you, though!" the taller one chuckled.
„Yeah, you know my sense of orientation... Not the best...“ There was something familiar about that voice. Felix couldn't quite place it. He watched them place their order. Shorties friend ordered an iced matcha latté and Shorty herself just had black coffee.
Felix was soon called to serve them. He thought for a second. I haven't been in this world for a while, perhaps one of the things that could give me a breath of fresh air could be a date with a hot girl? He took his time bringing the order as he made up his mind. He approached them.
„One iced matcha and black coffee to match your eyes,“ he passed the drink to Shorty with a smile and a subtle wink. God, that was cringe. The taller girl beamed.
„Thank you, o' mysterious guy in a hoodie," she smiled.
„Name's-"
„Jax?“ The taller girl guessed off his nametag. I really need to change that. He saw how Shorties eyes slightly widened. „Odd name, but pleased ot meet you, Jax! I'm Bree,“ she stuck out her hand.
„Actually, i'm Felix. I just... Had a little blackout and wrote that...“ he chuckled.
„Well, no wonder! I would also black out in that hoodie.“ Bree hesitantly put her hand back as she saw that he didn't shake it. Felix stiffened a bit. He subconsciously started pulling at his sleeves, especially at the left one. He didn't feel too hot, cause he didn't have anything underneath. Anyway, he...couldn't take it off...
„Yeah...I'm naked under this, soo, nope, not the cause. Sorry ladies, i have to go.“ Felix ushered away. Well, that was one awkward conversation.
For the rest of the time, he was watching Shorty and her friend. He couldn't seem to take his eyes of them, especially from Shorty. He didn't even know her name, but the way she looked and sounded triggered something in him. She probably thought of him as some weird stalker, and that was no good. Besides, he could already hear that unbearable man Bruce yelling at him to do his damn job, so he quit looking and started working...

After something that could've been like 10 minutes, the café was nearly empty. Everyone rushed to work or other important events the had to get to. Only Shorty and Friend stayed behind, chatting. Suddently, they both got up, and Felix went right to cleaning their table.
Friend suddently appeared behind him. She leaned aganist the table.
„Soo, Felix... I was wondering... You're new here, right? I come to this place often, but i never saw you! But anyway, maybe i'd even rather see you more...outside of your work hours?“
Fleix stopped for a second. „Not interested. Your friend is hot though,“ he smirked gleefully. You're letting your inner Jax show, huh Felix? Maybe that was the real you all along...
Friend seemed kinda hurt, she looked back at Shorty, who stood wide-eyed. Shorty shot an angry glare at Felix, and then took Friend by her arm and went outside with her.
God, why do I fuck up everything?
„Jeez, you really do fuck up everything, huh?“ Bruce said, unamused. „Seriously, your first day, you get asked out by a pretty woman and not only you say "no" but you have the nerve to say that her friend is prettier. I would've slapped you in the face if I was that girl. All i can say, I thought you would be an asshole, and you are. Suprise, suprise.“
Felix rolled his eyes. Hate you too. I hate this stupid job and I've been here for not even three hours. I hate this place. I hate this town. I hate the people. I hate everyone around. I hate my body. I hate...
I hate how much I miss the circus.
Felix stopped wiping the table. He chuckled to himself a bit. Unbelieveable, he misses the thing that brought him so much suffering and arguably only worsened his mental health. He must be going insane, which kinda terrified him for a second, but then he realized that he couldn't abstract in the real world. He was stuck here. Unless...
He shook his head. No, he wasn't that kind of person. He wasn't gonna give up when he survived through the circus and escaped. He's just had a rough week settling in, no need to get destructive.
He went ahead and finished cleaning. He felt a sudden surge of energy, feeling ready to get through the shift and have absolutely no problem...

Chapter Text

He definetly didn't get through the shift with absolutely no problem. Bruce yelled at him so much that Felix already got used to him, a customer complained about "slow service" and apparently that was gonna be deducted from Felix's pay. He was at work the whole day, basically being nothing but the cleaning service. Now, it was 5 PM, and he still had to clean the whole café. Great. Bruce was in the back, doing god-knows-what, and Felix had to clean the counters, floors and some of the remaining cups and mugs. He was just about to sweep the floor, when suddently a little ding of the front door resonates through the room.
„We're closed,“ Felix announced.
„Well... I came to see you, actually!“ A nervous familiar voice made Felix look up.
In front of him was Shorty. The little lady whose name he didn't get and who was incredibly pretty.
„Hey... Why me? If you wanted my number, you could've just told me!"
Shorty pressed her lips into a thin line. „Actually, no, I came to tell you that you were awfully mean today. Bree isn't...she wasn't...happy...about what you said, obviously. Even if you don't want a girl hitting on you, that doesn't justify you making someone so upset, you hear me? Now, I hope you will apologize once you see her...“
Felix smirked. „Better quit my job then, cause I do not wanna see her again, Shorty.“
„Wha- What?! Don't call me that, I'm not your friend, I do not know you!“
„You sure? You seem kinda familiar to me...“
„I never met you!"
„You could meet me. Formally,“ Felix stuck out his hand, „My name is Felix, nice to meet you."
Shorty hesitated before taking his hand. „Christine. Nice to meet you too. Jax," she smirked, poking fun of how bad he fumbled to write an entirely differend name on his nametag.
Felix froze. His dissociation went full speed ahead, and soon, the world was a TV screen and Felix stood far away from it.
He shook his head and grounded himself. „Yeah... That... I... Need to change my nametag...“ he stuttered out, yanking his hand away.
Christine paused, staring at him with those dark, beautiful eyes. „I knew a Jax once... You remind me of him,“ she smiled and Felix's heart did a little flip.
And then they just stood in silence. Well, until Christine spoke up again.
„Any-hoo... I better get going... My...boyfriend will get worried if I... don't come home soon...“ her smile faded a bit as she looked away, clutching the strap of her purse, but when she looked back at Jax, her smile widened again - a little too forcefully. Jax knew that kind of smile. She has a boyfriend? That was the first thought that came into his mind, yet he quickly shoved that thought away. He was watching her short figure, fully aware of all the signs. The way her shoulders were tense, her nervous feet shuffling, how she rubbed circles onto the strap of her purse, while holding it like she wanted to strangle it.
„Right,“ Felix had a hint of concern in his eyes. „Hey...about the phone number, I wasn't really kidding, you know? Even if you're taken, you still seem like a nice person to talk to...“ He felt a pit in his stomach just from the way she talked about her boyfriend. Something was wrong, and he will do his best to help in any way he can.
„Oh...Well, thanks for the offer, but I really don't do...guy friends? Sorry...“ Christine smiled apologetically.
„Well,“ Felix insisted, „If...you need anything at all... My apartment is just a few blocks away, like... 15 minutes from here? You'll recognize it, it's the shittiest apartment building in the street and it's surrounded by those curvy pipes...“
„I think I know,“ Christine smiled, „thanks, Felix. See you later!“
And she walked off, leaving nothing but the scent of paper and flowers. It nearly made Jax dizzy, because he was inhaling the smell of coffee beans all day. Maybe except for the 2-hour lunch break.
Felix gazed around the café, the interaction with Christine leaving him warm on the inside. But he was still a little worried. The sun shone into his face, coating his skin in golden.
„My work's done, I'm clocking out!" That sentence reminded him of the fast food adventure, but this time, he didn't feel any negative emotions. He was just glad to be going home. Bruce just loudly said uh-huh, but Felix was already on his way.

By the time he got home, sun begun to set. He was absolutely starving. In his fridge, he found only a bit of food, so he decided to eat the block of cheese he stumbled upon. He turned on the TV and switched the channel to some telenovella, not even paying attention much, only carving away at the cheese with a knife.
He thought about Christine. He could've swore he saw her somewhere before, but the more he thought about it, the more he felt like his mind was playing tricks on him. He wouldn't forget such a beautiful face.
His eyes started getting all droopy and he felt sleepy. He mustered up the strength to get up and put the remains of the cheese into the fridge. All he wanted to do was sleep, but he knew he should take care of himself before bed. So he showered, brushed his teeth and changed out of his work clothes to sweatpants and a T-shirt.
He plopped himself onto his musty couch, curling up with a blanket. For the first time this week, he felt safe. He felt like he is doing a good job at getting his life together, and all those thoughts - the dissociating, feeling of worthlessness, even the thoughts of his act of weakness in form of self-harm - flew away like balloons. Before he closed his eyes, his mind once again wandered to Christine. He hoped she would visit him sometime. But he better not dwell, otherwise it'll hurt much more afterwards. His eyes fell heavy and he finally fell asleep.

Chapter Text

Felix woke up to the sound of knocking. It was persistent, yet slow and deliberate. He heard them at the other side of the door.
Felix got up and opened the door. „I swear, if this is about rent-" His eyes fell on someone he didn't expect to see.
The short hair, dark, teared-up eyes were unmistakable. The question was what the fuck happened to her face. Her nose was bleeding, her lip was busted, and there was a red patch on her cheek, slowly turning into a bruise.
„H-hey... Felix? Sorry to wake you, I do- don't know why i even came he- here. Ss...sorry...I'm sorry..." Christine put on a tired, broken smile, tears spilling on her cheeks. She sobbed, her voice raw, and Felix pulled her into a hug, not caring whenether he got blood on his clothes.
He knew who was behind this. He knew that... fuckass was responsible. His heart broke with every pained sound Christine made, yet getting filled with more and more rage.
„Shh... It's okay Chrissy... It's alright... Come in...“ He gently led her into his apartment. She sat down on the couch, still crying. He brought her some tissues and let her hold it to her nose. She was still muttering sorry all over again. It was almost unbearable to watch.
He went into the bathroom for some bandages and disinfectant. He came back and grabbed one of the tissues, soaking it with the disinfectant.
„This'll sting, be prepared...“
„I know....“ he voice sounded defeated.
„... He did this, am I right?" Jax asked quietly, watching her lip quiver as he cleaned it. „Don't say anything, nod or shake your head..."
Christine slowly nodded, tears welling up again. Jax put a small band-aid on her lip, then he went to the freezer and found a drink he saved for later. He gave it to Christine to cool down her cheek.
„H-he got angry... He accused me of cheati...cheating. It's cause I've been 'gone for so long'..."
Felix felt his curiosity gnaw at him. „You were...gone? What happened?"
Christine chuckled. „You'd never believe me. Nobody would. I was missing a few months...though it felt like years...“
Felix felt a pang in his stomach. This...was oddly similar to what Felix went through. He started to feel warm, tingly buzzing in his heart. Hope.
„I went missing too...a few years back,“ he looked away and contemplated. He then decided to test the waters. „I was stuck in a place that seemingly had no escape. But I managed to get out. Me and... some of the people I got to know there. Others...weren't so lucky...“
He felt himself slipping back to that awful place. World was one big TV show and a purple rabbit watched it from his room, clutching the bowtie left by the only person that seemingly didn't care enough to stay with him, no matter how much he loved him. He saw Christine's expression change, but it was like he couldn't focus on it - all he saw was the black abstracted shape and thousands of eyes with vibrant colours staring at him.
„How odd... Me t-“ Christine stopped mid-sentence. She put the cold drink down and stared into the air as if thinking. When she looked back, her eyes were full of emotions - hope, sadness, joy, fright. It made Felix snap back to reality. He stared into those deep brown eyes, until he realized the truth that had been with them the whole time.
„...Jax?“ she spoke softly, cupping his face with her hands.
„...Pomni?“ he asked back, a smile forming on his face as he shivered slightly at the touch of her cold hands. He cupped one side of her face, the side that wasn't hurt.
„Jax!“ Christine crashed into his arms.
„Don't be so formal, call me Felix...“ he exhaled shakily, gripping her shirt like she could dissolve in any minute. He felt her crying on his shoulder.
„Mmh-hm, Felix. I thought I lost all of you... I was worried you weren't even alive,“ Christine sniffled.
„I was worried too... God... I was worried...“ He wrapped his arms around her tight, feeling tears spill over his eyes. He felt so relieved and happy that he stumbled upon something familiar, better yet, upon Pomni. She was his friend, even though he refused to accept it at first. But he needed her more than she needed him. In any given circumstance.
He felt her tears soaking his T-shirt. They sat there, crying in silence, so much to unpack in between them. Christine spoke after a minute.
„I.... I'm glad I came... After all... that happened with me and...stuff...“ she lifted her head to speak, her voice heavy with guilt.
Felix pulled away, taking her face into his palms. „It's not your fault,“ he said, his tone flat, because he was just stating facts.
Christine looked away. „I know...“
„It's not your fault.“
„You just said that.“
„I don't think you fully believe it yet,“ he gently hugged Christine. „It's not your fault.“
Christine was silent. She didn't even cry anymore.
„Want to send him into a virtual digital circus game where he turns into a cat and eventually loses his mind?“
She chuckled and sniffled. „Why would he be a cat?“
Felix shrugged. „Because he's a pussy,“ he grinned, getting another laugh out of Pomni. „Anyway, do you need to take a shower or something?“ he pointed to the door on the left. „It might not be much, but it gets the job done i guess.“
Christine smiled, „Thanks, Felix.“ She was about to walk through the door, but then she stopped in her tracks, her eyes wide, her smile gone. She looked him in the eyes and then grabbed his left arm. Felix's heart dropped.
„Please, don't...“ he pleaded.
„I just wanna see, Felix,“ she said, her voice unbreaking. She grasped his arm and held it tight, despite Jax trying to get away.
„Don't look, please!“ No matter how much he begged, Christine continued inspecting his arm. He looked away.
He was far too exposed.
He felt his forearm tingle from how Christine stared at it. She slowly ran her fingers over the scars. Felix whimpered and tried to escape once more, but he was like an animal in a snare.
„These are...old...“ she concluded after a long thought.
„Yep from time before the circus, yep yep, can you let go?" he blurted quickly, trying not to cry.
She didn't let go. Her gaze shifted, despite him not looking at her face, he felt her staring at him. He wanted to look her in the face and see the emotions she's feeling. She's always been easy to read. But he knew he couldn't. It would just make him cry.
He felt her grip loosen and he instantly pressed his wrist to his side, as if hiding his biggest guilt and shame will make Christine forget it.
„Felix... Look at me,“ her voice was soft. Not teary, not demanding, not angry. How could he not obey?
His head slowly turned and their eyes met. Her lips were pressed into a thin line as she looked up at him, her eyes sparked with only one question. What happened to you?
Felix wiped his tears. „Leave it alone,“ he snarled. As he saw her face change to concern, he realized his tone might've been too harsh. He remember the fight they had in the circus, when he tried to push her away but she wouldn't back down. This time it wasn't so differend.
„Felix,“ she took his hand. „I know that there can be hard times. I mean, you can literally see it in my face right now. But hiding it isn't the greatest way how to go about it. It only causes more pain, no matter how long ago or how bad it was. I will never judge you for trying to survive through those bad times, nor if you don't feel safe enough with me to let me see those scars, but I am here. And I'm not leaving.“
She let go of his hand and slowly wrapped her arms around him. Felix thought of pushing her away like last time. But he felt like he wasn't that person anymore. He wasn't Jax. His name was Felix, he lived a shitty life in a shitty apartment and got stuck in a place where he almost went insane, but he got through it and now, he didn't want to start pushing people away again. It felt nice to let them be close to him.
After he mustered up the courage, he hugged her back, pressing her to him tightly. Her scent calmed him down, paper and flowers. So gentle and sweet and... so her. Felix enjoyed the warmth of her body, even though her hands were cold.
They stood there a long time, both unsure when to pull away. Felix was the first one that did.
„Aa-anyway... I should probably conjure up some late breakfast,“ he coughed out a chuckle. „Hope you're hungry for burnt water and frozen cereal!“ he joked, trying to lighten the mood. Christine gave him a smile, yet he knew that she didn't find it funny.
The doors closed behind her and he heard her lock the door. Felix felt his heart get heavy from their interaction. She knows. She's seen all through me.
His breath hitched, as if his lungs shrank. He stumbled to his couch and crashed onto it. His mind was fuzzy. Breathe, Felix, breathe... He held his breath and then slowly inhaled. When he tried to exhale, all came out was a loud sob. And then another, and another. Jesus, you're such a baby, Felix... Are you crying because of the thing that you did to yourself? If only you weren't so weak. He curled up on the couch.
He remembered this feeling. The feeling of hopelessness, that this life of his doesn't matter, that he has already made too many mistakes to fix things. The feeling of self-hatred. His stomach was sinking and his skin itched for pain. No... He promised he wasn't like that. He will not do anything. Not when Christine is literally in the next room. He didn't want her to worry, and him relapsing would be the most worrysome thing ever.
He ran his hands through his hair. Perhaps he should start making that breakfast, so that it doesn't look like he was mentally breaking-down a minute ago. His vision clouded a bit as he stood up on his wobbly knees, which didn't feel like his own. It was like running on autopilot, all emotions pushed aside as he focused on the task ahead. He went to the fridge and found eggs, despite him not remembering buying any. It didn't matter.

After a while, Christine walked out the bathroom, he hair still wet. Felix stood up and offered her the omelette he made. She took it with a smile and sat next to him on the couch. The silence was so heavy you could almost weight it.
Christine spoke first. „Hey... I know this might be kinda weird, but can I...stay here for a while? It's just because I don't feel safe coming back home... He would get mad at me again and...stuff...“
Felix turned his head to look at her. She stared into her plate and played with her food. „Of course,“ a soft, warm smile tugged at his lips, „but you'll help me foot the bills, alright?“
Christine turned her head to him. „I wasn't expecting any less,“ she took a bite of her omelette. „How did you even manage to keep this place? Weren't you gone a few years?“
Felix shrugged. „Yeah, well, this is one of the cheapest apartments in the area. The landlady told me that I'll get to keep it, but I'll have to pay more the next couple months.“
Christine slightly nudged him with her elbow. „Hey, don't worry, I'll help you. Roomie,“ she chuckled.
Felix snickered at the nickname. „Alrighty. Well, I should also put myself together. My hair's a mess,“ he ran a hand through his hair and headed for the bathroom. „If you need anything, just wait for me.“
„Okay,“ Christine chirped.
Felix closed the door and exhaled. It felt...weird to talk to her. Maybe it was because a few hours ago, he was absolutely willing to bang her. Or maybe because now she knew what he was hiding and didn't wanna accidentaly set him off.
He didn't know why she cared so much. He was mean to her all the time in the circus. One thing was certain, however. He had to hide his upsets from her, otherwise she'll be worried. He wasn't sure how he'd do it, though, because now they were roommates. And deep down, in his stomach, he felt a little butterfly flapping it's wings. A butterfly that he wasn't sure would leave anytime soon.

Chapter Text

It's been a few days since Christine crashed at Felix's place, yet it was like he didn't see her at all. Because he was avoiding her as much as he could.
Don't get him wrong, he wanted her to stay, mostly because it wasn't safe for her to go home, but that meant that every other day, when he wasn't at work, he had to pretend to run errands and be busy just to avoid the akwardness between them. She didn't ask questions, but maybe she also knew he was just running away from her.
That morning, Felix got up from his make-shift bed—the bathroom floor with a pillow and a blanket—and went to get ready for work. It was still early, but he wanted to leave before Christine woke up.
He brushed his teeth and walked out of the bathroom, ready to make breakfast.
„Morning, Felix,“ Christine's voice made him jump. He looked at her, sitting on the couch, her blanket still draped over her shoulders. She had a tired, annoyed look on her face and her hair was a mess. Seeing her like this made Felix's heart flutter, but he shoved his feelings away and cleared his throat.
„Uh, good morning,“ his voice cracked like he was a teenage boy, and he felt his cheeks heat up with embarrassment. „What are you doing up so early?“
„Wanted to talk to you,“ she yawned and rubbed her eyes with the sleeves of the hoodie that was too big for her. Felix's hoodie. Felix almost forgot he lend her some comfortable clothes for when she wasn't at job interviews. „Sit,“ she ordered. After a while, she added, „Please.“
Felix hesitantly sat down. His heart beat with anticipation.
„Please stop avoiding me,“ she said right off the bat. „You need to stop shutting away the people who care about you. I don't want you to think that I view you as weak or broken, but I can't prove that until we start talking again. It's been four days, Felix,“ Christine sighed. „We don't have to talk about it again if it's still a sensitive topic, but I'm here for you. If you have a bad day or feel down, you can talk to me, I won't see you as any less. It's only human to express your upsets and emotions...“
Felix felt his heart get heavier and heavier the more she talked. He knew there was more to what she was saying, that she was hinting at the circus. He was glad to be talking with her again, but he didn't wanna talk about the time in the circus, or anything that happened a few days ago. But he knew that he couldn't just say that, so instead, he whispered:
„Okay... Thanks, Chrissy.“ After a minute, he spoke again, „I'm happy we're talking again.“
Christine smiled and hugged him, which set off butterflies in Jax's stomach. Jeez, why was he like this? He reminded himself that it was probably because he thought of Christine as very pretty and charming, but it had no real meaning at all.
„... I should go to work now, heh... Bruce will be pissed if I come late...“ he freed himself out of Christine's grasp. He tried to get out of the apartment as fast as he could.
„Have a nice day at work, Felix,“ Christine chimed. Felix stopped in his tracks. He then felt a smile heat up his face.
„T-Thanks...“
He internally cringed at himself and scurried out the door. This was totally not weird. Or maybe Felix was just making it up in his head.
„Ugh,“ he groaned into his palms, leaning aganist the wall. He had a feeling today was gonna be a particularly bad day. Best get to work and hope it goes by quick...

His shift was just as boring and tiring as he remembered it. Hours dragged like crazy and Felix was basically begging for each minute to pass. After some time, Bruce finally lets him go. Felix happily hopped out of the coffee shop, staring at the remains of the sun slowly slipping beneath the horizont.
He started walking towards home, but then realized something. He didn't wanna go home. Not after that conversation with Christine. He didn't know what kind of excuse he could find to not be home. However, he was an adult, he didn't need an excuse. He could do whatever he wanted. He was almost embarrassed by how he let Christine control him. No, he will be out in town, he will have fun, but be responsible.
But maybe he should let her know that he's going out...
He took out his phone and dialled Christine—AKA, basically the only person in his contacts. The line rang a few times, then it stopped and she answered in a tired voice.
„Hello? Felix?“
„Yeah, it's me,“ he shuffled his feet. He was suddently felt like it was a mistake calling her. „Uh... I just wanted to let you know that I'm gonna be... I'm gonna go out tonight...yeah? So...don't wait for me.“
She yawned. „Mhmm... That's nice,“ her voice was a little raspy. „Oh... And I've been meaning to tell you... I got hired today! At noon... Some...office...company... I got hired there...“
Hearing her voice made his heart do little flips every time she started speaking.
„That's...really good,“ he exhaled. „Uh... I-I gotta go now, bye!“
He quickly hung up. Right, he needed to set his head straight somehow. Dusk was setting in and from the corner of his eye, he saw a neon sign light up. A bar. Yes. All he needed to do was get a bit tipsy, clear his head a little bit. So he crossed the street and entered.
Slow music played from the speakers, barely anyone was there. It reminded Felix of the bar adventure in the circus. But this time, nobody will talk to him. Nobody willl ask questions about his past, making him pull a Breaking Bad reference out of his ass. It was just him and his thoughts...
He sat down and ordered a whiskey sour. The barman slid his drink to him after a while.
„You look like hell,“ she whistled, „I've never seen you before.“
„Well i've never been here,“ Felix slightly rolled his eyes at her comment as he chugged down his drink. He stifled a cough as the alcohol ran down his throat. „'nother, please.“
The barman fixed him another drink, „I hope you don't plan on becoming a regular. You seem like the type of sad that drinks his worries away. It doesn't work, trust me.“
Felix's eye twitched. The nerve that this woman had was almost astounding. Wasn't she supposed to be nice? „Right. I came here to clear my head a bit, so why don't you leave me to that? I'd make us both much happier.“
The barman chuckled. „Asshole much? Don't forget who's pouring the drinks.“
Felix slid the glass to her yet again. She kinda had a point. „Yeah, but I don't like people poking their noses in other people's business...“ he downed the drink.
„Isn't that what barmans are for?“
„I don't think-“
„You might wanna slow down a bit...“ Felix was confused at first, but then he realized that he already downed three drinks in the span of a few minutes.
„Hey I'm paying, I decide when to stop. I know my limits...“ Felix protested.
The barman looked at him, as if she was reading him with only one single gaze. „Fine,“ she sighed in the end. „Just let me know who to call if you get shit-faced drunk...“

Felix really got into the conversation with the barman. He lost track of how many drinks he has already had, and seemingly she did too. It felt like half an hour, but then suddenly she stopped him mid-sentence and said.
„Hey man, sorry to interrupt you, but it's closing time...“
Felix slowly processed that information. „Whaath? You justt openeed...“ heh, he kinda liked talking like this. He couldn't help but giggle.
The barman looked at him, her expression unreadable. „Damn,“ she muttered something under her breath as she magically conjured up her pbone into her hands. She typed something and suddenly, the phone started speaking. Perhaps it was the music being too loud or Felix being just a taaaddd more dazed than he wanted to be, but he couldn't make out the words. The voice speaking was nice, though.
„Heeyyy, who is that pretty voice ooon the otheer siideeee?“ He slurred. Wait, was he drunk?
„Yeah, you better pick him up,“ the barman told the voice on the line.
The woman on the line audibly sighed and said something inaudible, then presumably hung up.
„Your friend...girlfriend...situationship- I dunno, is coming to get you. Soo...stay put. Oh, and when you get sick, please let me know so I can drag you to the bathroom.“
Felix slowly blinked. „Huh? Whoo were you talking to?“
The barman rubbed her nose bridge. „I really have no clue, you just gave me her number in case this happens. She should be here soon, though... She said it's close.“
Felix thought about who's number he could've given this woman. His mom? No, wait, she disowned him for dropping out of college. That was about all the women he could think of... Oh wait! Christine! Of course. Felix sighed dreamily. Of course it was Christine, she always cared for him. But he came to forget about her, yet...why did it seem like he thought about her more and more? She was broken, like him. He wasn't even ashamed to admit that anymore. Two cracked pieces, what if they could create something beautiful out of the shards?
...But what if he only ruins her more...
Felix didn't have anymore time to think, because the door swung open with a faint ringing sound. And there was Christine...

Chapter Text

Christine was startled awake by her phone ringing. She stretched, cracking her back, before answering.
„Hello? Who's this?“ she rubbed her eyes.
„Hey, uh... This is Jasmine, a barman from the Cherri Pie bar. My name doesn't matter, really... I'm just calling you about your...friend? Someone you know and who trusts you enough to be his emergency contact?“ a woman with a soft voice spoke from the other side. „I think his name was Felix...“
Christine felt uneasy. Felix did call her earlier about going out, but she didn't think he would wanna go to a bar, especially because he's the biggest lightweight. „Emergency contact? What happened? Is he alright?"
„Yeah, yeah, he's fine... Just...a little...drunk?"
Christine thought that was what's happening. She heard him suddenly speak up from the other side, something about a "pretty voice". That comment made her blush a bit.
„Yeah, you better pick him up,“ the woman hissed through her teeth.
Christine rubbed her temple with a sigh. „Alright, I'm coming,“ she hung up.
Why, out of all days, did Felix decide to get shit-faced today? He never seemed like the type. Perhaps he just had a bad day. That thought made Christine's stomach churn. She really hoped he wasn't just trying to drown out his problems in alcohol. After all, didn't they agree this morning that they would always tell the other when something was going on?

Christine got to the bar really quick. She didn't even realize that she was running until she was standing infront of the door, panting. The door opened with a little bell-chime.
„Ah, glad you're here. I really need to close this place up,“ the barman—a curly-haired woman with caramel skin—gestured to the half passed-out Felix by the bar. His hair was a mess, blue eyes half-lidded.
„Heey, Chrissy!" he chuckled.
„Oh...shit...“ Christine muttered, but then cleared her throat and spoke at a normal volume. „Yes, thank you for...babysitting him, Jasmine. I'll take him home...“
She went to Felix and picked him up, letting him lean onto her. He was...pretty light, actually...
„Sorry, ma'am and gentlefolks! Jaxy-boy's gotta go!“ Felix yelled across the empty bar.
„Yeah, fella, you need to go. Have a nice day!“ Christine glanced over her shoulder at Jasmine.
They entered the cold night together. Felix stumbled and wobbled with every step, making the walk home increasingly more difficult.
„What were you even thinking, getting fucked-up like this?“ Christine said, not even expecting an answer. She was more talking into the air if anything.
„I just wanted not to think...“ he mumbled an answer, leaning with his full-weight onto Christine, which made her nearly fall. His vague answer really gnawed at Christine's curiosity.
„About what?“
„Y'know...thoughts?“
Christine let a small smile slip onto her face. „Well, I don't think drinking really makes you stop thinking. Trust me, I know. So don't do this again, alright?“
„Whatever you want...“

They finally reached the apartment. Christine opened the door for him, panting and wheezing heavily. Felix took a step without Christine's help—and instantly tripped over the threshold. She, however, managed to catch him in time.
„Watch your step, alright?“ Christine helped Felix on his feet and guided him to the coach. He half-sat down, half-plopped onto it with a dumb smirk and cheeks red from the alcohol.
„You should drink some water...“ Christine thought out loud. „And get some comfy clothes...“
„Can I have what you have on?“ Felix giggled. Christine didn't really understand why he was laughing.
„Okay, sure. I mean, it's your stuff after all,“ she shrugged. „Let me just get changed real quick...“
„Oh no no noo. You misunderstand... I want you,“ he pointed at her with a smug smile, „to take off your clothes...and give them to me... Right now.“
Christine's eye twitched. Who does he think he is? She slowly exhaled. „No will do. Take this. Change.“ She threw one of his sweatpants and hoodies at him. Felix pouted a bit and then started taking off his shirt infront of her—his eyes watching her closely. There was something about his gaze, that-... NO, no, nope! She will not watch him undress, God! She must look like a total creep.
She turned around and reached for a tall glass, filling it up with cold water and taking her sweet time while doing so. When she turned back, Felix had already changed.
„Alrighty, here's your water,“ she sat next to him, watching him take a big gulp. It was quiet for a while, the only sound was Felix's loud swallowing. Christine found it amusing how thirsty he was.
Felix set the glass down. „Refreshing,“ he proclaimed.
„Oh really? I'm glad. I put all the love I could give into it,“ Christine joked. Felix seemingly didn't find it funny, infact, his smile faltered. She suddenly felt embarrassed for even making this stupid joke.
„Chrissy...say...what's your take on love?“ Felix asked quietly. Christine was confused. Slowly, that emotion mixed with uneasiness the more she thought about it.
„Well. I think I've felt love. Maybe not now, but before, yes,“ her eyes stung from remembering her ex-boyfriend, the one she ran away from a few days ago. It felt like love at first, but now, after being away from him for so long, she saw all his issues. She saw the way how he got upset even if it wasn't her fault. And she was ashamed for ever letting herself stay long enough for it to escalate so quickly. „And you?“
Felix was quiet for a long time. „I... I'm in love,“ he blurted out. „But I...know that she can never love me... I'm too damaged... I only fuck everything up...“ she heard him stifle a sob. He was looking away from her, as if not wanting her to see him cry.
„No, no no no, Felix. You're fine just the way you are. And if you mess up sometimes, you're only a human. You just have to try to not do the same mistake again...“ she put a hand on his shoulder, slowly rubbing it.
Felix just stared at her. „No... I can't... I can nev-never be loved... I can't fix my...mistakes,“ he stuttered, trying to not sob. Tears spilled onto his cheeks. He was frantically blinking them away, but it didn't work.
Christine's heart ached like back then when she found out about his self-harm. She knew how much he was hurting, but seeing underneath the jokes he said and facade he put on so often was unusual for her. He felt so fragile. She didn't wanna hurt him by saying the wrong thing.
„Felix, stop...you can. Whatever you done, whatever happened to you...“ she grabbed both of his hands, „Look at me...“
Felix's teary eyes met her's. All his hopelessness and sadness reflected in those blue irises. She knew she was powerless to take that feeling away from him, but she could try to soften it.
„You can be loved.“
Felix sniffed. „Ngh...“ he wiped his tears away.
Christine shuffled closer to him, their legs touching. She gave his hand a soft squeeze. Then, she brought his left arm closer to herself. Felix looked at her, puzzled, waiting for her next move. She slowly brought his wrist—hidden under the sleeve—to her mouth and pressed a small kiss onto the fabric.
Felix's eyes widened and he pulled his arm back swiftly. His gaze darted from his sleeve to her, back and forth.
Christine felt like this might've been too much. She quickly scrambled out an apology. „Uh-...sorry, should've probably asked first... I know you're not comfortable with me seeing them, so I just... Sorry...“ she mentally slapped herself for this idiotic apology. This was a stupid thing to do.
„No-“ Felix blurted out. He gently rubbed the sleeve aganist his skin with his thumb. „I-...was just...suprised...“
Christine looked at him. „Were...“ her voice trailed off momentarily, „you uncomfortable with me doing that?“
Felix stopped rubbing his wrist. „No...Not really...“
Christine was suprised by that. She kinda expected him to say yes and spit an insult at her. She expected him to push her away further.
„So...“ she once again grabbed his arm, „If I keep on doing...this?“
She kissed his wrist. He went tense, but then exhaled and relaxed. She took it as a green light for her to continue. His face was unchanging, except for the times she must've hit a particularly sensitive spot, because he always bit his lip or closed his eyes tight when that happened.
„S-stop...“ he said suddenly. His breathing was heavy and he was shaking. Christine's eyes widened.
„Shit... I- I'm sorry...“ Christine let go of his arm, but rubbed his back to comfort him.
Felix didn't say anything for a while, but his breathing steadied. He turned his head on her. His face shoved no sign of crying or panic, he seemed...intrigued? Like a cat watching a feather fall onto the ground.
Christine pulled back. „Maybe...we should just go to bed... I have work tommorow and you-“ she was shushed by him. She listened to the surroundings, wondering why he silenced her—perhaps he heard someone—, but all she heard were the sounds of downtown's night.
She looked at Felix's face. He was watching her intently. It made her almost uneasy. He cupped her cheeks, slowly rubbing circles onto them.
„I liked it...“ he whispered softly.
„What?“
„The...kissing. I liked it...“ he looked away. „It was...just a lot...“
Christine smiled softly and placed a hand on Felix's hand. „Alright... Okay...“
Felix looked at her lips, and then back to her eyes. It made her cheeks heat up a bit. He leaned a bit closer to her.
„Felix... What are you doing?“ she asked anxiously.
„Just...“ he leaned even closer, hesitating an inch away from her lips. Christine was too stunned to do anything, but when he finally kissed her, she knew that this was wrong. He was drunk, he wasn't in his right mind. She grabbed his cheeks and pulled him away.
„Felix...don't... You're drunk, you're not thinking straight...“ she looked away.
„No... Christine...This is the first time after coming back that I have thought straight...“ he groaned in frustration. „I would've never told you this, but i'm shit-faced and tired and vulnerable and god fucking help me, but I don't care what happens next! I don't know if I'll die tommorow, but I sure as hell won't die with these burning feelings scorching me from the inside, not when I was too stubborn to admit they exist for this long. I want this. Last time I felt this alive was when Ribbit was still here-“ his voice nearly broke. He shakily exhaled and sat even closer, straddling Christine's hips. „Please... I want this...“
Christine felt him shake on her lap, as if holding his feelings back like this was physically hurting him. The way his lips felt aganist hers felt...good. She never really thought that she might have feelings for him, but looking back, perhaps they were always there. All she could do now was just kiss him and let the night take them... But again, it felt wrong to basically take advantage of him. He might only not be sure about his feelings, it's just the alcohol talking.
„Felix...“ Christine sighed, „You need to sober up. Then we'll talk...“
He inched toward her face. „We don't have to...talk...right now...“ his lips parted slightly.
Christine's heart started beating faster. She wanted to stop him again, but for some reason, she didn't. Maybe it was the way he looked at her, maybe it was the things he said. She thought that maybe she could allow herself be loved by him.
Their lips met. They both were shy at first, but then Felix started kissing her with such passion that Christine was taken aback. The air felt thick and hot around her as their kiss deepened. He tasted like alcohol, but with sour undertones, which she suprisingly liked and couldn't get enough of. Their make-out session was always interrupted only briefly, just so that they could catch their breath a bit, still, she managed to get completely breathless.
Christine pushed Felix onto the sofa. He chuckled and playfully growled, which made Christine's body heat up even more, but she masked it by kissing him again. She tugged at the collar of his hoodie and brought them closer together. He moaned into her mouth, which completely caught her off guard and she broke the kiss.
„You... I-... Uh...“ she stuttered. Felix looked at her, puzzled, but then smiled smugly.
„Do you like it when I make sounds like that?~“ He leaned closer. He started moaning and groaning really loudly, saying stuff that made Christine red as a tomato. She knew that he was just teasing, but it still made her flustered and...kinda turned on?
She quickly gained her composure and muffled his sounds by putting a hand over his mouth. „Shu-Shut up! These walls are fucking paper-thin! Jesus Christ, the neighbours don't have to think that we're-!“ she exhaled sharply, leaving her sentence unfinished.
„What, you don't wanna?“ Felix smirked.
„Well... I wanna go to bed and sleep. I'm tired...“ she crawled off him and stretched. She thought that maybe he could sleep on the couch this time, cause he will have a terrible hangover in the morning.
„You...don't wanna...?“ Felix's smile faltered slightly. Christine bit her lip.
„Felix... Kissing is one thing, but sex? I draw the line. You're still pretty pissed, I can taste it on ya. I feel like...alcohol can make you do stuff you might not wanna do while sober. And I don't want you to do anything you might regret later,“ she saw that Felix wanted to speak again, so she held up her finger to shush him. „Uh-uh, don't try to give me the "but I want it" bullshit. Sober up. Then maybe.“
She pressed a small kiss onto his forehead and quickly dissapeared into the bathroom.
She exhaled shakily and leaned aganist the door. The hell just happened right now? Did she really just make-out with the person that literally said that she wasn't even his friend not even three weeks ago? And not only that, but she also liked it? She buried her face into her palms. What if this was a mistake, what if he really is just lonely and went after the nearest person possible?
She lightly grazed over her lips, still sensitive from the rough kisses Felix gave her. She let her mind wander off a bit, thinking about the stuff they could've done if Christine hadn't put a stop to it... She felt her cheeks redden and decided that perhaps she should just go to bed.
She glanced at the "bed" on the floor, nothing but a small pillow and a blanket. She felt sorry for poor Felix that he was basically forced to sleep here, just because the couch wasn't big enough for both of them. She must talk about it with him tommorow morning aswell.
She got up and washed her face with cold water, just to ground her a bit. She brushed her teeth and laid down on the floor, covering herself with the blanket. Even if she had a hoodie and a blanket, she was still pretty cold. Whatever, she thought. Best go to sleep.
She couldn't sleep at all. She looked at the clock and saw that it was 4 am already. Her mind was buzzing with thoughts, each too quick to be caught. She banged her head aganist the pillow, craving nothing but silence in her mind so that she could sleep. She still felt the kissing, heard his moans... She wasn't sure if this was love. Before, she thought that maybe she had feelings for him, but what if she was just caught in the whirpool of the moment? She chuckled to herself. Jesus, was she really that unsure about everything that she questioned even her own feelings? She should know the best, shouldn't she?
...Still, she thought about the things Felix said. How genuine he sounded, how desperate he was... Maybe that was the real Felix all along. She wanted to believe that, without any doubts. No... She didn't only wanted to believe, she wanted it to be true.

Chapter Text

Jax felt like his head was being split open by a rock. First, the pain was dull, more uncomfortable, the only thing letting him know that he was awake even though he was too tired to open his eyes. Soon, the pain escalated, and to make matters worse, he started feeling nauseous. He shut his eyes tight and tried to move as little as possible. He didn't really mind the pain, he just didn't want to throw up. He despised throwing up.
After some time, he decided that he had enough of lying. He lazily opened his eyes and looked out the window. The sun had just begun to peek up at the horizont, which meant it was far too early for him. Wait...he was on the couch? He didn't even remember how he got home... Aftet some thought, he remembered giving the bitchy bartender Christine's number. Was she even bitchy? Maybe he was the asshole... But Christine must've brought him home and let him rest on the couch. How nice of her...
Felix blushed. Christine was far too nice for him. He didn't even deserve being so unapologetically in love. Wait, in love? No... He merely thought of her as nice and kind and pretty and...
Felix's eyes widened. Oh...shit...he was in love. He buried his face in his pillow with a groan. Ofcourse he realized this while hungover. His mind spun around the thoughts of Christine, the thinking making him more and more sick. His stomach painfully tightened alongside his throat and he gagged. Oh no... He rushed to the bathroom, nearly hugging the porcelain as his stomach contents poured out like a waterfall.
„Oh god, Felix, hold on...“ he heard Christine's voice as she brushed the longer strands of his hair away from his face, rubbing his back. Felix couldn't even focus on the warmth of her body, question why was she awake so soon, all he thought about was the dizziness and nausea and his head hurting worse and worse and his throath starting to hurt from all the throwing up.
The oh-so-dreaded stream of puke finally stopped and Felix pressed his body aganist a wall, his body feeling all drained out. It almost felt...good. Everything bad has been ejected from his system. Christine suddently appeared next to him, holding a glass of water.
„Here, drink...“ she offered. Felix gladly took the glass and drank it whole. She smiled at him and slightly cupped his cheek. He was shocked by that sudden warm gesture, he almost forgot to pull away. Almost. Her smile faltered in suprise and she pulled her hand back.
„Say... Felix...“ Christine sat next to him. „Do you remember...anything from last night?“ She was almost uncharacteristically shy.
Felix tried hard to remember, but all that came were blurred scraps of the past. „Not really...“ he paused. „Did I...do or say something stupid? Because if yes, then you should know that I was totally drunk and didn't mean anything, so you should just forget about it.“ he quickly added.
Christine's eyes widened slightly. She then looked on the floor and chuckled. „Yeah, you were a real lightweight last night... You- You constantly said... dad jokes that didn't really make any sense, so...yeah...“
Felix exhaled—a little bit in relief. No dumb remarks at her, no trying anything, nothing. „Well, I'm mortified. Atleast you now know what dadda-base of jokes I have!“ he nudged her with his elbow.
„My god, that one was terrible...“ she rolled her eyes, a light smile playing on her face.
„But you're still laugh-...“ he stopped mid-sentence, another wave of nausea coming over him. He tried to keep it down, but eventually he quickly crawled to the toilet and let it all out.
„Ngh... Jesus Christ...“ Felix wiped his mouth with some toilet paper, the sour taste lingering in his mouth.
„You need to drink water,“ Christine figured.
„Yeah? No shit Sher- urgh..“ he felt his stomach revolt again, but he kept it in. He stood up and went to the sink, washing out his mouth with water. „And I need some paracetamol, but I'm pretty sure all of my medicine has expired by now. However my head hurts so bad that I'd much rather risk some psychedelics-type shit side-effects than endure the pain...“
„I'll pick some up for you at the pharmacy when I get back from work,“ Christine noted as she got up.
She looked at the time. It was a little after 5 AM. „My shift doesn't start until 9 AM,“ she muttered, followed by a yawn.
Felix realized that he must've woken her up when he barged in, so obviously she was sleepy. „Sorry,“ he mumbled instantly. „For...waking you up earlier...“
Christine chuckled. „My my, you never say sorry, what happened to you? Or is this just the tiredness talking?“
Felix tensed. He sat back down, chewing the inside of his cheek. She had a point, he really didn't say sorry much. „Maybe... Whatever,“ she smirked at him. Perhaps she found it amusing, him getting soft like that.
Felix thought that maybe he should leave and let her sleep, so he got up and started heading for the door, „Anyway, I'll leave you-“
„Woa, where are you going? You suddenly feeling better?“ Christine stopped him, her tone half-serious.
Felix shrugged. „Figured you'd wanna sleep, so I should leave you alone.“
„I mean yeah, I wanna sleep, but you'll just break in here everytime you get sick again. That wouldn't work.“
„Well,“ Felix thought for a second and then jokingly smiled. „I could throw up out the window. Bonus points if hit someone on the street?“
Christine shook her head with a chuckle. „I don't think that would work either,“ she looked down onto the floor, pondering. She then continued, her voice a little quieter: „You could stay here? With me?“
Felix was glad he was far away from the mirror, because he would bet his left kidney that his face turned into a tomato that very second. Stay here? Sleep...with her? (god, that very phrase sounded weird, even when it was in his head) Surely, she didn't see it as an odd thing, she was just being a caring friend. But this meant so much more to Felix. And even though he wanted to stay, he knew that he'd rather puke all over his furniture than let himself get that close. Who knows what would happen then...
„Uh, no, thank you,“ he said with a flat tone. A shiver ran through his body when he realized he sounds like Jax. His world warped suddenly. He was so focused on trying to seem fine, he nearly missed Christine's question.
„Are you sure? You know... I don't really mind if you sleep here. As long as you don't throw up all over me,“ her joke fell flat onto the ground when she realized he wasn't in the mood for laughing. Her head tilted slightly, so Felix forced his lips to curl into a slight smirk.
„Yeah, I'm sure. Really wouldn't want to be next to you the next, like...what, three hours?“ his tone was a lot more sharper than he intended it to be. He could say that he had a headache and was sleep-deprived, but deep down he recognized this feeling of detachment. He felt himself slipping into the persona he thought he put past himself. Jax.
Christine pressed her lips into a thin line, seemingly his comment made an impact. „Okay, rude...“ she muttered. „I just thought this would be better for us both...“
„Well, you thought wrong, now didn't you? Like a little silly jester,“ he felt his smile get wider, the empty feeling in his chest growing. He couldn't really focus on her face or movement. It once again was as if a TV screen was between them, and he was stuck in a dark spot with nowhere to go.
Her eyes widened and he swore she was at the verge of crying, „Okay, what is your problem?“ she exclaimed, fury in her voice. „Are you trying to push me away again? I'm sorry, did I get too close to you?“ she let out a chuckle in disbelief. „That's rich coming from you. Last night-"
She suddently stopped talking. Felix heard her words, but it was like he processed them in slow-motion. Last night? What...happened last night?
„Christine?“ Felix's smile faded away and he could feel his heart beat in his chest again. „What do you mean, last night?“
Christine stayed silent. „Just go. Get out, like you wanted.“
Felix crossed his arms. „That's not an answer.“
What Christine did next shocked him. „Just get the fuck out! Stop asking fucking questions and get out!“ she exploded into his face. Felix saw her hands clutch into fists, as if she was ready to throw a punch if he didn't listen. So he did, rage burning in his stomach, slamming the door behind him.
He was angry. Why did she get so mad? She was basically willing to fight him if he didn't get out! Felix anger slowly cooled down. They fought before, yet he didn't really fight back when they did. He wouldn't be able to do that this time, too, he knew for sure. Not when she was at his doorstep a week ago, beaten up and crying.
He laid down onto the couch, his head hurting worse and worse. He wondered if she'd still get him that paracematol, even though he was a dick to her just now. He begun slowly regretting all of his life choices that led to this moment. Tears started stinging in his eyes as he remembered the hurt look on her face. Why did he had to bring the circus up? He is such a fucking idiot. Ofcourse he had hurt her. Ofcourse he fucked up.
His skin tingled with the burning need for pain. The urge was stronger than last time, he just felt like he needed to punish himself... All it took was a sharp blade. He knew it was in the second drawer on the left in his kitchen. He also knew where he stored the bandages, he could easily treat his wounds. He knew how to hide it. It isn't too suprising for him to wear long sleeves at the brink of winter.
No no no no... Shut up shut up shut up shut up. He was clean for so long. He would fuck-up even further if he did it. He had to breathe. In and out.
The tingling sensation left, leaving nothing but tiredness behind. He curled up on the couch into a little ball.
This day is gonna be shitty.

Chapter Text

Christine stood outside the office building, feeling as exhausted as ever. She forgot how mentally draining it was to sit behind a desk doing basically nothing. Her sweet colleague taught her the basics in an hour or so, and she was more than glad to get into the corporate grind to distract herself from the conversation she had with Felix in the morning.
As she buttoned up her coat and started walking home, her thoughts slowly started swarming with Felix, a cloud of rage looming over her. He was such an ass! I mean, he didn't have to say that, and if he didn't say it, she wouldn't have said what she said. Did he really not realize his words have an effect on other people? Or did he simply just not care? She really thought that they were being open with eachother, that they trusted themselves, especially because of what she saw on...
Her steps slowed down as she recalled the memory of seeing his scars. The way he wouldn't look at her until she told him to—until those white lines were pressed aganist the fabric of his shirt, not being fully covered but still hidden enough. The way he instantly changed the subject with a joke after she hugged him. Not to mention, he literally avoided her for the next couple of days and when they did talk again, he barely said anything in response and bolted almost immediately. Looking back, she knew what this all meant. It meant that she was just the silly jester he portrayed her to be, making up things that aren't there like a fool just to be met with reality. She let out a shaky chuckle.
But then she remembered last night... The uncovered emotions in his voice... The way he kissed her like it was the enly thing he yearned for... She snipped that thought away. Whatever happened, he was just drunk, it didn't mean anything, he said it himself.
„God...“ Christine hissed through her teeth. Should she give up on him? Wha- no! That was a terrible thought... But maybe he deserved it. If only he wasn't so stubborn and just let her in, maybe then she could help... If only he-
„E-excuse me... Uh-...miss?“ a rough female voice nearly made Christine jump out of her skin. The female instantly turned apologetic. „So-sorry...Didn't mean to scare you...“
Christine looked the woman up and down. She was wearing raggedy clothes, her reddish hair was an untidy mess, but her freckled face showed nothing but a warm smile and tired eyes. She looked...horrible. It made Christine a little worried about the woman's well-being.
„It's alright, what do you need, ma'am?“ Christine tilted her head in concern.
The woman suddently seemed nervous. She fiddled with her hands and spoke quietly. „I know this...You...you don't have to but...I'm...I'm kinda desperate right now?“
Christine realized what the woman was saying. „Oh, you need some mo-“
„Yes, I'm so so sorry... I have been barely living off on the streets in this weather. I'm starving...just please...“ the woman caved in, tears in her eyes.
Christine felt a stab of guilt wash over her. She would help the poor woman if she could, but she spend all of her money on lunch today. She looked over the woman's shoulder into the dark alley. „You...live there?“ she asked slowly, feeling the guilt hit her even harder.
The narrow alley was a place no person would willingly stumble into at the nighttime. A big pile of paper, placed in a way to presumably make a bed, sat next to the dumpster that was pushed aganist the wall. The crimson-red brick walls were covered in various posters of concerts or other events. One of the posters in particular caught Christine's eye...
She walked past the woman into the alley, feeling no fear that she might get kidnapped or drugged or anything, only focusing on the poster plastered on the wall that became more and more clear the closer she got. It was a missing poster of a woman... Christine soon realized that she was looking at the missing woman right infront of her. She dissapeared over 7 years ago.
„This is you, right?" Christine double-checked.
The woman just stood there in silence. Christine continued.
„Why don't you call your family? They should take care of you...“ Christine looked at the poster to read the name of the woman. Her stomach dropped when she realized that her name was Ragatha. No...no wait... She wasn't named Ragatha. It was Agatha. „Agatha...“
Agatha panicked. „No, please don't!“ she begged. „I don't wanna go back. Please, Pomni, don't-“ she stopped mid-sentence.
That name struck Christine like lightning. She turned her head to Agatha, the realization clear as dawn. Ragatha. „What did you just call me? I'm... Christine...“
Agatha chuckled. „Right... Christine,“ they both stayed silent for a second.
She then ran to her and hugged her tight. „Po-...Christine... I missed you so much. I always woke up and the first thing I remembered was you...and Kinger...and Gangle...Zooble...and-“ her voice trailed off.
„Jax?“ Christine hugged her back, joy spreading in her chest like a butterfly. „I did that too... But then... I stumbled upon Jax...Well...Felix...“
Agatha pulled away, her face unreadable. „Jax...? You...“
Christine's former joy started to leave her. She knew that he and Ragatha had...quite a history. Maybe she should've kept her mouth shut. „Felix. His name is Felix.“
Agatha slightly nodded, a small smile forming on her face. Christine felt her stomach loosen up. „Anyway...Perhaps I should call him, I've been living with him for a while, but I'm not sure if he'd be glad to have another person in his house, and I can't just leave you here. Hold up.“
„Wait, Christine!“ Agatha protested, but Christine was already calling Felix. She wasn't sure if he'd pick up, given the argument they had in the morning. She bit her nails, listening to the rings.
Suddently, he picked up. It was silent for a while, except for his heavy breathing. That sound was a little unsettling.
„Christine?“ Felix's voice was raspy and empty.
Christine stopped biting her nails, feeling her stomach twist at his tone.
Something was wrong.
He never sounded like that. So...emotionless. As if he was ridded of all feelings.
„I-... Felix, did something happen? You sound-“
„Nothing is wrong...“ it sounded as if he was painfully forcing out each and every word. She heard him slowly exhale. „What do you need...?“
Christine started pacing in small circles. „Well, at first, I need to know if you're alright. Look, I'm sorry I yelled at you in the morning, but I still care. If you want to get back at me, fine, but if there's something serious going on, tell me.“
Felix was silent. „Say what you need to say, so we both can...so we both aren't wasting our time with this conversation.“
Christine stopped in her tracks. „What...exactly...could be a "more important thing", that's worth your time. Like...right now. When you're alone,“ she kept her voice steady while her mind raced with possibilities. She was fully aware of Agatha staring at her, her face full of worry and confusion.
Felix clearly got her hint. „Shut the fuck up,“ he hissed, now angry. Christine was taken aback. After a minute of silence, a chuckle broke through the other side.
„Don't you get tired of thinking that you're so much better than me? Oh, sweet little mentally stable Christine, always here for Felix who used to cut himself? So what if he relapses? The only reason you would care is because it would make you feel like you failed as a person, failed to protect him! And how about I tell you that I can make it so much easier for you?“ his voice got louder and louder, nearly breaking in the end.
Christine felt panic rise in her chest. Felix just started laughing, the sound occasionally broken by a sob. Then it stopped.
„I can make it so much easier for you.“
Christine's heart sank, realizing what he was implying. „No...no, Felix, don't you fucking dare...“
He hung up.
Christine felt all the heat drain from her body as she stood on the pavement. Her heart beat slowly, soaking in the conversation that just occured. And it sped up immediately after.
„Fuck,“ Christine said aloud, forcing herself to take a step foward. „Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck goddamnit!“
A small sob broke through her throat as panic overtook her completely. She turned to Agatha.
„I have to get home...he...Felix...I-“ she cursed her sudden breathlessness and distracted mind for not allowing her to speak right now, but Agatha placed a hand on her shoulder.
„Go, I'll be here tommorow as I am today. Just go,“ she squeezed her shoulder reasurringly and gave her a small smile, even though she was clearly also worried.
Christine nodded and instantly ran. She didn't care that soon her muscles began to ache and her lungs burned, as long as she could keep going, she ran. Her mind raced. All the stuff he could do when she was so, so far away. She begged for any God or a higher being that was up there, if any was, to stop him. To protect him before she got there.
Icy cold tears ran down her face. Even though she has to save her breath, she eventually couldn't bite back the sobs that were tearing at her vocal chords. Her lungs were hollow, no matter how much she breathed, but she still kept going, basically ordering her knees and leg muscles to not give up on her now.
The apartment building peeked into her view. She ran down the street.
Stale air hit her nose as she opened the door, it was unusually cold. As if warning her about something bad. Even though her legs protested, she climbed up the stairs, until she stood at the front door.
„Felix, I- I'm here-e...“ hiccups and raspy breaths broke her speech, making her sound unbelieveably pathetic. Silence. Or perhaps she just didn't hear him over the agressive rattling with her keys as she opened the door.
She didn't even bother taking her shoes off, she just sped to the bathroom. Locked. Ofcourse the door was locked.
„Felix!“ She yelled through the door. No answer. She stepped back, determined to break down the door if she has to. With a grunt, she body-slammed into it, dull pain shooting through her body, though the door didn't budge. She made another attempt. And another. Another. Sobs started breaking through as hopelessness took over her, her mind swirling.
She shook her head. No, she cannot break down. Not now. Not when he could... A surge of fear and panic washed over her, but with that came a wave of adrenaline coursing through her bloodstream. She took a deep breath and then ran as fast as she could, jumping into the air, trying to break the door down again, now using her full body.
To her suprise, the door gave away. She fell onto her back, hitting her head slightly.
„Fuck! Christine!“ Felix yelled out. She immediately shot up, feeling pain in her entire body, but she didn't care. He was alive. He was alive and that's all that mattered.
He was sitting aganist the opaque glass wall of the shower, looking extremely worried for her. He was in the same clothes like this morning, only missing his hoodie. Christine noticed that it was tossed next to the sink. She closely inspected him and...
Oh no.
She crawled to him. He obviously tried to hide it, but there was more evidence of it, bloody tissues, but most importantly, the sharp knife next to him. She stopped moving when she was right by him.
„Felix...“ her raspy, breathless voice cracked when she started speaking. „You fucking...motherfucking...dumbass...I-...“ her vision clouded a bit, the tiredness weighting down on her. „need to catch my breath...“
Felix pressed his lips into a line. She collapsed onto him, pulling him into a hug. Felix didn't reprocipate, he just started running a hand through her hair, as if to soothe her. It almost made Christine laugh and cry. He was the one who was suffering, yet she was getting comforted? She was just tired, which was nothing.
When she could breathe again without nearly throwing a coughing fit, she sat up.
„Felix...we need to talk," she placed a hand onto his shoulder.
Felix looked away, his eyes full of guilt, but he nodded anyway. „I know,“ his voice was so raspy he had to clear his throat before speaking.
Christine sat up properly and thought about what to say. Million thoughts coursed through her head, she wanted to yell at him for ever making her so worried, she wanted to cry for him, for the boy who was thorn apart by life. She wanted to punch herself for not helping more, for being so selfishly indulged in her own feelings that she didn't see this coming.
All she could do was stare at him. The way he was slumped up aganist the glass wall, avoiding her gaze and shamefully hiding his wrist behind his back, even though they both knew that she saw it.
„I'll fetch the disinfectant and bandages,“ She got up, her legs buckling slightly under her weight. She left before Felix said another word and after a bit of searching, she found the medicine supplies in one of the cabinets. She returned, sitting next to him.
„Can I...?“ She wasn't too sure if he'd let her see those wounds, and she certainly wouldn't pressure him into exposing himself to her. Not like during the first time she saw them.
Felix hesitated, his eyes empty. Then, a small spark of anger flashed in them, aswell as a hint of tears, „Whatever...“ he mumbled.
He stretched out his arm to Christine, giving her a good look at his cuts. Christine felt intense guilt fill every fiber of her body. Some marks were still bleeding, clearly deeper than others, some were just light grazes, but that didn't make it any better. Her stomach churned at the thought that she was the cause of this. Tears clawed at her eyes, yet she pushed them away, aswell as the sobs trying to tear through her throat. She will not cry, she will not break down when he's in this state. She begun gently cleaning them with wet tissues and the disinfectant, the feeling of déjà vu stirring in her chest. How the tables have turned...
„Felix... I'm sorry,“ she muttered softly. „I know I lashed out today, I just...got upset...“
Felix let out a 'tsk'. „I didn't do this because of you, you know.“
Christine looked up at him. He was watching her clean his wounds. „Okay... Well...what triggered this?" she took a band-aid and pressed it aganist one of the deeper wounds when she was done cleaning it.
Felix winced and then slowly exhaled. „This is just a small relapse, don't worry about-“
„Felix-“ Christine insisted, brushing with the tissue aganist one of the wounds a little too harshly, making him hiss in pain.
„I ran into my mom, okay?“ he blurted out.
Christine's hand hovered upon the band-aid she just put on another one of Felix's cuts. „Your...mom?“
„Yeah, she-“ he cut himself off briefly, „Why should I even tell you. You wouldn't get it. You probably lived in a white–fence suburban home with a loving father and mother,“ he muttered, but loud enough that Christine could hear it.
„That's not true,“ she protested. „You can't know anything about a person is 100% true until you hear it directly from them. I might've lived in a suburban home, but my parents weren't too...well...it doesn't matter...“
Felix's shoulders tensed in pain as she cleaned another one of his deeper wounds. He then spoke softly. „I wanted to grab dinner from the store, and then I saw her. She was...suprised to see me. But not long after she started talking about how I've let myself go, but that was what she expected from the college drop-out son that soon turned into nothing but a dissapoinment,“ Felix let out a low amused hum. „She said that I've made her feel like she failed as a person. Failed to raise me. Especially when I showed her the...“ it didn't take long for Christine to realize that he meant scars. Or cuts. Either was bad. „I tried to fight back, but she just got more and more upset. In the end, she told me that she hopes to never see me again, even though that not seeing me won't erase the mistake she made by having me. And she...walked away. I got home. My mind was buzzing, and the more I thought about it, the worse I felt, and then I....just got the urge to-“ his voice cracked.
Christine instantly pulled him to her chest, still holding his injured wrist. He took raggedy breaths, seemingly trying not to cry. „B-by the time you called... I was...already...“ he bit his lip. „And when...I hung up... I really wanted to die. S-...so I went further, but then realized that I was too scared of death. Too scared that the last thing I'd see was you crying and being sad over...me...So I tried to stop the bleeding and then...you came. Crying and being sad...over me...“
Christine couldn't help but let a tear slip into his hair. Oh, how much she'd like to just hold him until he doesn't hurt anymore, but unfortunately the world didn't work that way.
„Felix...It's o-okay to cry...“ her voice wavered pathetically as she tried not to cry herself.
„Hypocrite,“ Felix let out a small snort, seemingly seeing that she wanted to cry too, but didn't. His snort of laugher turned into a tiny sob, before he clutched onto her and begun bawling his eyes out.
Christine felt every tear soaking her shirt, all the anguish he felt hitting her like a pile of rocks. She never saw him in this state.
All she could do was squeeze him tight and begin softly crying into his hair, his intense emotions crashing over her too hard, making her feel nothing but sadness for her friend. Best friend.
„I-I-ngh...I was-hh... doing s-s-sso well-“ his rough voice felt like sandpaper aganist her skin.
„Shh...shh... I-I know... Y-You did... You did well enough. You're enough,“ she pressed a small kiss into his hair.
His sobs slowly steadied down and then died. He pulled away. Christine took hold of the moment and started wrapping bandages around his arm.
„Is this too tight?“ she asked. He shook his head, so she continued.
When she was done, she grabbed all the tissues and medicine supplies. She went out of the room to throw out the tissues and put the supplies back to place. When she returned, Felix was on his feet, rubbing circles onto his bandaged arm. He stopped to look at Christine. His eyes were puffy, red and wet, but with a spark of sadness. It was better than the dead stare he had before.
She gently led him out of the room and settled him onto the couch.
„We better get to bed,“ she draped the blanket over him. She was about to leave, but then stopped and hesitantly asked. „Should I...stay with you?...Just... So you don't feel lonely at night?“
Felix's gaze fixed on her, his eyes growing another spark. This one was gentle, flaming with an emotion she could not recognize. He nodded.
Christine settled next to him on the couch. „Is...this okay?“ She gently hugged him from the sides, squishing them together so that noone falls down the couch. Felix let out an 'uh-huh'.
She deeply inhaled his scent, enjoying the warmth of his body. Heating barely worked in this place, so being close to him, stealing his body heat, was pleasant to her. It also reminded her of last night. Her heart started beating louder, and she hoped Felix didn't hear it, despite it was basically imoossible. It...confused her. She blamed it all on her worriess about him. It surely wasn't anything else...
Sleep slowly overtook her body, but she could not sleep until she heard Felix breathing steadily beside her. He could've died tonight. He would've died if she was slower, if he decided to do it after all before she managed to get to him. That thought made her snap back to reality and her insides knotted. He was alive, she reminded herself, and that made her relax a bit. She pressed aganist Felix a little more, as if to remind herself that this was real. He was alive, and she would never allow him to nearly die ever again...

Chapter Text

Felix almost hoped he wouldn't wake up, cause this was a way he knew he could die without remorse. In her arms, all snuggly and warm, feeling like he was about to cry. He couldn't sleep, despite pretending he was. She was so close to him. But he reminded himself that he only scared her to death by nearly committing.
He thought about his suicide attempt a lot during the night. He replayed the moment right after he hung up. He didn't even hesitate to grab the knife and the sweet relief he felt when the blade dig into his skin was immeasurable. He remembers laughing. It felt like he was in cotton-candy land, it didn't matter to him that it was bloody and it hurt like hell, his thoughts were reduced to simple words, repeating over and over again. But then he started thinking clearly again. He remembers panic, and then Christine, and-
He jolted awake from his sleep, or atleast some form of it. He couldn't sleep at all at night. Sun rays hit his face through the window and he grew hot. Especially with Christine pressed up aganist him. He'd stop to admire the way sunlight hit her face, but he focused on the pulsing dull pain in his left wrist. He gently wiggled onto his back, in a way that wouldn't wake Christine up, and allowed bloodflow to start coursing through his wrist again, as he had been sleeping on it.
He sucked in a breath as a sharper pain dug through his arm. His fingers tingled and his body suddenly felt so painful and feverish that all he wanted to do was curl up and wait for it to go away.
Tears stung in his eyes as he felt immerse guilt flow over him. He didn't have to do it. He could've just waited for Christine to come home, collapse into her arms and cry. She wouldn't mind, he was sure of that. She was so nice and caring and he was stupid for ever thinking that he could refuse her comfort forever. He was stupid for ever relapsing.
Christine stirred next to him with a soft "mhmm". It reminded him that beating himself up over it wasn't the right way to go. It would just make him hate himself even more.
His phone buzzed on the coffee table. He didn't remember putting it there, though. Regardless, he picked it up. MR. GREASY HAIR DUDE, stood on the screen in bold letters, ultimately reminding Felix that he had work today, but was most certainly late. Precisely, an hour late. Yikes.
He got up and headed to the bathroom, not wanting to disturb Christine.
„Hey, Bruce,“ he practically muttered into the microphone, bracing himself for his scalding.
„Where the fuck are you?“ Bruce barked. Felix sat on the floor, leaning aganist the sink.
„I'm...sorry. I can't make it today,“ he gently grazed over his bandaged arm as a nervous tic. „I'm not feeling well...“
„Jesus, take some ibuprofen, it's not that hard!" Felix wanted to groan audibly, but he figured that wouldn't help his situation. Obviously, he knew Bruce well enough (despite knowing him for less than a month) to not expect any other reaction, but his constant lack of empathy was astounding.
„This isn't a situation that can be fixed with ibuprofen, Bruce," he let out a slight 'tsk'. He really wouldn't open up to that sour dude about his issues, so he opted for the othet option. A lie. „I had an accident in the kitchen... Lots of blood, a trip to the ER, stitches, all that jazz. My arm hurts like hell and I can barely move with it,“ the words rolled smoothly over his tongue. It was a crappy excuse, but perhaps good enough to fool him.
Bruce was silent for a while. „Fine, I'll let this slide. I'll just do this by myself, thanks alot,“ he spewed, though the sharp edge of his words couldn't even reach Felix.
„Thanks Bruce. See ya...“
„Bye."
Felix hung up, almost missing the last word. He rested his palms on the cold tiles of the bathroom. He had the whole day to himself, maybe he should spend it productively. He should take a shower. But maybe mixing the freshly-scabbed cuts with soap isn't a good idea. Perhaps he should go back to sleep. It's quite early, after all. He got up and left the bathroom.
As he entered, he noticed that Christine's eyelids fluttered and she slowly opened her eyes. Her gaze flicked around a bit before finding Felix. Her lips pressed into a thin line before they curled into a small smile.
„Good mornin',“ she basically bounced up. Her smile was too bright, he was tempted to scowl at her. Scare her away.
„It's too early for me to be awake,“ Felix groaned playfully. He plopped hinself next to Christine and nuzzled his face into the cushions.
„Oh, is it now?“ she laughed softly. He turned his face to her, preparing a witty comeback, but then he saw her face. It lacked the smile from before, and she looked...disappointed. That thought made Felix's stomach churn.
„We need to talk,“ she sighed.
Felix sat up, not even noticing the throbbing pain in his wrist anymore. „We did talk, yesterday...“ he protested slightly.
„Felix...“ Christine shook her head. „...Fine... All I want is...Please promise me to not do this again. Please,“ she begged, putting a palm aganist his cheek. „I was... So so fucking worried.“
Felix felt shame pour over him. „I'm sorry...“ his chest tightened and a sob clawed at his throat. „I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry.“
Chistine hugged him and his sniffles got muffled by her shoulder. He felt bad for constantly burdening her. He swore he'd keep that promise no matter what happens. He would be better.
A couple minutes passed. Christine spoke up again. „Hey, there is one thing I've been meaning to tell you,“ she looked him in the eyes. „I found Ragatha. Well, her real name is Agatha, but... It's still her.“
Felix's brain short-circuited for a second before he realized that she meant THE Ragatha. The red-haired ragdoll. The Ragatha that didn't give a shit about people's feelings, only about whenether they liked her or not.
„She...found herself in a bit of a situation. I thought...maybe we could let her stay for a while? Before she can find a place of her own?“ Felix must've frowned, because Christine continued. „I know you haven't really been friends, but she needs help.“
All Felix wanted to do was say no. He couldn't forgive her for how she acted after Ribbit abstracted. 'Nobody thinks it was your fault, even though you two had argued the day prior. It wasn't your fault, Jax.' Bullshit. All he knew was that everyone hated him. They didn't pity him. All Ragatha done was just comfort him on the outside and then talk shit about him with the others.
But there was this side of him that said he didn't have to forgive her or anything. He could just let her stay, not talk to her and then say that he just felt like being the bigger person.
„Alright,“ Felix sighed after a prolonged pause, „but I dunno how do you want all of us to fit here.“
„I could just sleep with her on the couch!“ Christine suggested exitedly. Too exitedly. Perhaps she noticed too, because her next sentence was a little nervous, but a lot more toned-down. „I mean... We'd surely fit, considering that she isn't as... Big as you and...“ she slightly stammered over her words, and it made Felix spark a smile.
„We'll think of something,“ he quickly jumped in to finish the conversation. He didn't really want to leave Ragatha/Agatha and Christine together alone on one couch, but who was he to command Christine? She was an adult, and he surely didn't want to be the same asshole as her, as Felix assumed, now ex-boyfriend.
Christine nodded and stood up, flattening her messy hair. „She should be down a few blocks. Atleast she told me she would,“ she stopped mid-stretch. „You don't have work today?“
Felix bit his lip. „Yeah I just... I don't think I could handle it today. And I didn't want Bruce asking questions.“
Christine froze and her gaze darted to his arm. „Right,“ she slipped that word out like a bullet, Gelix could almost feel it clattering aganist the ground. She turned around and made her way to the bathroom. „Well, perhaps I should go as soon as possible. She said she'd be fine overnight, but...“ she hesitated with the hand on the doorknob, but then she flashed Felix a quick, comforting smile, before dissapearing into the bathroom.

Christine quickly showered and soon left to find Agatha, leaving Felix alone with his thoughts. Perhaps I should clean up a bit, since I have all this free time, he thought. His apartment was a mess, laundry scattered everywhere, dust and dirt in every corner, especially since he hasn't cleaned this place in ages. Not even when he first returned home. So he went on and started cleaning.
First, he picked up his phone and turned on the volume to max so that he could listen to music. The first tones of 'Blondie' by Current Joys started playing. Engulfed by the melancholic melody of the song, he begun wiping away the dust that resided on his furniture or at the top of the shelves. It was oddly relaxing. He focused on one task ahead of him, until it was finished. Then, another task came, picking up the laundry and actually washing it for once. He always was too lazy to wash his clothes, atleast until Christine showed up. She always washed his clothes, because she still borrowed some when she had to.
He collected one big pile into his hands and threw it into a bag of laundry he had to carry down later today to the washing mashines in the basement. He noticed the discarded clothes next to the shower. It was his old t-shirt and some shorts. Christine has been sleeping in that ever since she came here. His ears heated up. He picked up the clothes, but didn't throw it into the bag right away. Instead, he went to the living room and sat down on the couch. The last song faded out and was replaced by another. Drums and an electric guitar could be heard for a moment before the singer came in.
I'm a puppet on a string...
Felix turned the clothes around, as it looking for something wrong with them. Something different about them. Something that indicated that they have been worn by someone else.
...diamond cutter-shaped heartaches...
He pressed the fabric aganist him, as if it could ever even get close to the warmth of Christine's body he craved. He was suddenly surrounded by her scent. That sweet, sweet scent. All it did was set off Felix's imagination like a ticking bomb.
...She's a silver linin', lone ranger ridin' through an open space...
All he could think of was how good it would feel to have her lips pressed aganist his. How good she could make him feel. Being close to her was like a drug he could never quite reach. Perhaps because he knew if he'd ever have it, he would probably be damned forever.
... I go crazy cause here is where I wanna be.
And satisfaction feels like a distant memory...
He found himself burying his face into the T-shirt she wore, unable to stop his mind from creating all these...scenarios. His face burned hotter and hotter.
And I can't help myself...
He suddenly jolted up as he felt a well-known pressure in his pants. He tossed the shirt aside and looked down slightly. He groaned, „Shit...“
All I wanna hear her say is "Are you mine?"
His love for her was way worse than he thought...

Chapter Text

Where the hell is she? Christine wandered around the block, trying to find the alley where Agatha resided last night. She was pretty sure it was the right building... Or was it the next one? Was she even in the right street? What if something happened to her? What if she got hurt?
Christine's mind swindled. Fuck. Was it her fault that she couldn't find Agatha? Because she chose Felix yesterday? No, of course not. She had no choice. She shook her head and focused on searching.
As she looked around more and more, her heart sunk deeper. Agatha couldn't have just vanished, right?
Suddenly a hand landed on her shoulder. Christine jumped into the air and turned around with her arms shielding her.
„Christine, it's me!“ a sweet voice calmed her down instantly. „I won't hurt you.“
Christine relaxed and let her arms drop, feeling a little silly for getting so defensive. She hugged Agatha a little tighter than she had to.
„You had me worried there for a second,“ Christine flashed her a smile. „Let's go.“
Agatha nodded slightly, one singular dimple forming by the corner of her smile. They begun walking.
„Soo...how are you holding up?“ Agatha kicked off the conversation.
Christine shrugged. „Well, you know...Just trying to live my life,“ she hesitated before continuing, „though... I had to change my life a bit after returning back. I've been gone for a month, apparently? It felt like years. But, in a way, that experience was...freeing? Like, I could see the errors in the ways of my life all of the sudden.“
She didn't look at Agatha, but knew what kind of look she had, the compassionate one, the one that gently urged for her to elaborate.
„When I was in the circus, I'd sometimes get these little...snippets of memories. I'd remember getting beaten up, but also loved, sometimes too harshly, by one person. That person turned out to be my boyfriend. When I came back, he was relieved to see me,“ Christine well remembered the day she returned to the real world.
She woke up on a street, some old woman found her and asked her if she wanted to be escorted to a woman's shelter. She refused, wanting only to go home. She borrowed the woman's phone and figured out where she was and how to get to her house. She was shocked to find out that the author of the many nightmares she had in the circus was her boyfriend and living with her. Her parents were over that day, but they left soon after Christine came so that she could collect herself. The very first night, he demanded to know where she was or else he'd 'fuck it out of her'. The very first night in a long time she felt absolutely powerless.
Soon it became clear that he just wanted to hear from her that she was out for a month cheating on him with someone else. She tried to be defiant, to defend herself, but that was only met with more tears, more blood, more bruises. The last day, he somehow found out about her going to a coffee shop to talk with the barista, Felix, even though she was convinced he wouldn't. Christine was sure he'd murder her, or worse, murder Felix, but he just midly beat her and said that he had enough for tonight, for some reason. She managed to slip away when he fell asleep, too scared to take anything, to make a noise, wake him up and get another dose of abuse. She ran to Felix, and the rest is history.
She realized she got too wound-up in her thoughts, she forgot to finish her story. „Well- ah... As I said, he was relieved to see me. But then, he started getting violent, wanting me to tell him that I was out there all this time just to cheat on him, even though that wasn't true. Then I met Felix. He must've known something was up, because he told me where he lives. That night my boyfriend beat me up, and I ran away to Felix. Ever since then, we've been living together.“
Agatha quickly cleared her throat. „Uh, speaking of Felix... What happened yesterday?“ she asked, a concerned look on her face. „You looked so...worried. Is he okay?“
Christine bit the inside of her cheek. All she wanted to do was just lay the heavy burden of Felix's relapse on her to ease the weight off her shoulders, but she knew it wasn't her story to tell and Felix probably wouldn't be too happy if she told her. „I can't tell you, I'm sorry. But yeah, he's fine now.“ As fine as you can be when yesterday you've had such a shitty day that you resorted to hurting yourself.
Agatha seemed to be taken aback, but rather smiled. „Oh, that's...okay...I'm just worried about him...“
Christine pressed her lips into a line. Silence spread inbetween them, thick and uncomfortable. A question burned at the back of her skull, and she decided to voice it. „What happened to you? You know...when you got back?"
Agatha's head snapped in her direction. „Oh, uhh...“ she cleared her throat. „Well, when I woke up, I was in the middle of a field close to the city. It was night, and I just laid there, staring at the stars, real, hydrogen-made stars. I thought about everyone in the circus. I kinda thought you guys would be there with me, but I got up and...you weren't,“ her nose slightly scrunched as she paused to sniffle, „So I laid back down and thought about what to do. I didn't even know if my family was looking for me. And- and even if they did, did I really wanna go back? Did I really wanna return to constantly being controlled by my mother, to her critisizing everything I do?! To someone who had such a hold of my life, who wouldn't let me move out, who hated me for being who I was, who took all my finances so that I could "pay back everything she spend to raise me"?! The hell I would not!"
Agatha's anger took Christine by suprise, but she wouldn't judge her for it. It was clear this has been festering in her mind for some time, it's for the best to allow her to let it out. Agatha seemingly realized how upset she got, she looked away, „Sorry, I know I'm getting a little...spicy...sorry,“ she exhaled and continued. „So that night, I decided that I wouldn't return. Not now, not ever. I went into the city and started life from nothing. I slept in abandoned buildings, wandered around, trying to survive another day. I soon started seeing these old missing posters of me, so I tore them down and hoarded them somewhere where noone would find them, in that alley. I started living there, basically. I would be till now if you hadn't found me."
Christine nodded. „Ofcourse, Agatha, anytime,“ she beamed. They turned right and the apartment building appeared before them.
„Wow, this is where you live?“ Agatha tilted her head to the side, looking at the untidy, graffiti-covered brick walls of the building and rusty staircases.
„Well, this is where Felix lives. I would say it's much nicer on the inside, but it isn't too great either. There is a reason why almost nobody lives there,“ Christine chuckled and opened the door for Agatha.
„I'll be happy to have a roof over my head. Thank you so much for that,“ Agatha grabbed Christine's hand and squeezed it in gratitude. Christine smiled.
They walked up the stairs and soon were before Felix's door. A sense of dread washed over Christine. This is where she was last night, frantically trying to stop her best friend from possibly dying. This time, when she opened the door, she was met with the strong scent of bleach.
„Feeelix?“ she called out. „I'm back!“
She heard a plastic thud and Felix muttering 'fuck'. He emerged from the bathroom wearing rubber gloves.
„Hey...“ he smiled at her. His grin seemed a little awkward. As soon as his eyes landed on Agatha, his mouth widened, suddenly he seemed almost unnatural. „Hiya, Dollface...“
„Uhm...Hi, Felix... That's your real name, right? I'm Agatha...“ her words flowed out so softly and naturally, as if nothing bad ever happened between them. As if they were old friends.
„Uh-uh. Agatha,“ he looked behind his shoulder. „Hey, you two can, I dunno, settle, talk about old times or something, I have a bit of a situation here that I need to take care of, so...“
Christine stopped him, „Wait, did you actually clean this place?“ she chuckled.
Felix beamed with pride. „Well, who else would do it? This place had like three years worth of dust."
He dissapeared into the bathroom once again and Christine with Agatha settled onto the couch. „Do you want some tea?“
„Yes, please,“ Agatha nodded. „Hey, are you sure Felix isn't upset that I'm gonna be living here for a while?“
„Don't worry about him, he'll be fine,“ Christine reassured her, turning on the kettle.
„You know, he doesn't really like me.“
„Well, you need a place to stay, and since I'm also living here, I say you can live here,“ BEEP. Christine took the steaming kettle and poured the water into two cups. As soon as the water touched the teabag, it started to colour into red.
„Okay... Thank you, Christine. You're way too nice to me."
Christine took the mugs and settled them onto the coffee table. „Please, it's the least I can do.“
They relaxed into the comfortable silence, sipping the raspberry tea. Soon, Felix emerged from the bathroom. His eyes rested on Agatha.
„You...Gonna go there or...?“ he pointed to the bathroom door.
Christine put away her mug with tea. „Oh, wait a second,“ she went over to the wardrobe where she put the clothes she bought recently, picking out the ones that might fit Agatha's slim figure. „Here, take these,“ she smiled and handed her the clothes.
„Thank you,“ she nodded and scurried away, closing the door.
As soon as she was gone, Felix entire body relaxed, as if he was holding in a breath. Christine looked him up and down, sipping her tea.
„Be nice,“ she remarked. „I know you two aren't close, but-“
„You don't know shit,“ Felix spat, words sharp as glass. Christine, however, didn't let herself get intimidated into silence.
„Explain it to me, then,“ her voice was mostly calm, but she just had to return the sharp edge back to him. She placed the cup on the table and leaned on her palm, elbow pressed aganist the armrest, gazing at Felix. He tensed up again and avoided eye-contact.
„It's a long story,“ he mumbled, „but basically, I don't trust her.“
„You never liked trusting people,“ Christine commented.
„No- I don't like trusting people when they aren't worth it! Just like-...ugh...nevermind. It doesn't matter."
Christine wanted to push the issue further, but something told her that Felix wasn't really in the mood for uncovering the secrets of their past. She made a mental note to revisit the conversation later.
Felix sat next to her with a sigh. Christine grabbed her tea once more, tucking her cold feet underneath herself. The warm liquid and the comfortable position she was in made her a little sleepy, and she couldn't supress a yawn. Perhaps she could take a nap. It was Tuesday, so she was off work today, she could sleep for how long she wanted.
„Tired, huh?“ Felix said. He pressed his knees to his chin, tucking his arms to his stomach. „Me too.“
„No wonder. Past few days were a little...hectic," Christine looked down into her mug, watching her own reflection in the tea. „First I get a job, then you get drunk as hell and...well, I have to carry your ass home, and now all of the other stuff.“
Felix nodded slightly. Silence. „Hey Christine,“ he spoke up. „Remember...the fight we had yesterday? In the morning?“
„You mean the fight where you acted like an asshole for no reason after puking your guts out?“ she teased, but still was half-serious. She made a long pause to sip her tea. „Barely.“
Felix snickered ever so slightly, but yet, when he spoke, his voice had a hint of remorse. „You're still upset. I guess that's fair, I really was an asshole. Sorry about that.“
Christine was glad that he was apologizing for what he said, but it suprised her nevertheless. „Thank you," she muttered.
His face warmed up with a genuine smile. He cleared his throat and continued, „Uh, well...that time, you said something about 'getting too close' and 'last night' as in the night you 'had to carry my ass home'. I was wondering...you never really elaborated on that...“
Christine froze. She remembers saying that only out of sheer rage and the need to get back at Felix. She kinda hoped he'd just forget about it and move on. „Ah...well...I meant it in a literal sense, a-as in you were...unable to walk, so you leaned on me.“
Felix slowly blinked. „That...literally makes zero sense...“
Christine stammered. „What do you mean, yes it does make sense!" she begun downing her tea, thinking about the best way how to swerve away from this.
„Chris, I'm asking you because I want an honest answer. I want to know if I did something...“ Felix persisted. She didn't answer.
Agatha walked in, hair wet, but a smile on her face. When she saw their serious faces, the smile drooped.
„Oh, sorry- Am I interrupt-“ she was already stepping back into the bathroom, but Christine stopped her.
„No! Stay,“ Felix looked at her and scoffed. She knew it was a cowardly thing to do, but she really wanted to avoid that whole discussion.
Suddenly, the room fell tense and awkward, nobody really having the words to say anything.
„Aaalright,“ Christine finished her cup and set it back on the table, a loud clank sharply breaking the silence. „Anyone hungry?“
Felix looked at her, same annoyed expression. „It's...literally only 11 AM.“
„Well I doubt anyone of us had breakfast—we have a right to be hungry. And we don't have to get lunch right away,“ she stretched and jumped up off the sofa. Her legs were a little tingly from sitting on them for too long.
„Well, I sure would like lunch!" Agatha nodded, a sweet smile on her face.
„I'm not hungry...“ Felix crossed his legs, even further sinking into the couch.
„C'mon, fresh air will be good for you,“ Christine playfully nudged his shoulder, „you've been inhaling bleach and all the other chemicals for the past hour or so."
„I know how to open a window and get fresh air, thank you.“
She groaned and sat next to him. „Don't make me force you. Please?"
He looked her up and down, a spark of interest flashing in his eyes.
„Tsk, okay fine,“ the corner of his mouth ever so slightly curl up. Christine smiled widely.
„It'll be fun. Just you see!"