Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Damn it!” Lexa bites out as she throws her phone on her bed.

It’s been two weeks since she started Arcadia boarding school, and she’s been having a hard time adjusting. She’s never been away from her family for more than a few days before, but now she’s over 3,000 miles away from home at shitty new boarding school with crap cell service.

Well, to be honest, her new boarding school isn’t shitty. It’s one of the most prestigious boarding schools in the country, and she received a full scholarship. She knows she should be grateful for the opportunity to attend such a great school, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t miss home.

“You ok?”

Lexa almost forgot her roommate was in the room. Clarke closes the book she was reading and sits down next to Lexa on the bed.

“Yeah. Just annoyed with my crappy cell service," Lexa replies with a pout on her face. "I really wanted to talk to my sister tonight.” 

“I hear they’re building new cell towers in the area, so hopefully that won’t be a problem anymore"

Lexa just nods glumly in reply.

“Can we turn off the light soon? It's just... We have our first chapter test in Biology tomorrow and...”

“Of course! I’m sorry for keeping you up.” Lexa interrupts before Clarke can finish her sentence.

“Don’t worry about it,” Clarke replies as she turns off the light before slipping underneath the covers of her bed.

Lexa stares up at the ceiling of her now pitch dark room. She sighs deeply and closes her eyes, trying to quell the ache of loneliness and longing she feels. She continues to shift and turn, desperately wanting to just fall asleep. There’s a rustling sound coming from Clarke’s bed. ‘I must be keeping her up with my fidgeting,’ Lexa thinks, but before she can voice an apology she feels her bed shift as Clarke lays down next to her.

“Clarke… umm... What are you doing?”

“Shhhhhh. Just relax and go to sleep.” Clarke replies as gently gasps Lexa’s hand, weaving her fingers between Lexa’s.

Lexa can feel her heart racing, and her body stiffens. Even though she can barely see in the dark, she knows that Clarke’s face can’t be more than a foot away from hers.

“I’m sorry. Do you want me to leave? I thought this might help you.” Clarke apologizes once she realizes how stiff her roommate has become. “After my dad died, my mom and I used to sleep like this. Sorry, I should have asked you first before I just ambushed you.” Clarke adds as she starts to get up.

“No! wait.” Lexa grabs Clarke’s retreating hand. “You can stay. It was helping.” Lexa says quietly. “Thank you.” Lexa is grateful that the darkness of the room makes it impossible for Clarke to see her flushed face.

Clarke wordlessly slides back under the covers and turning so that they were facing each other with their hands still interlocked in between them right in front of both of their faces. She can feel hers and Clarke’s breath brushing across her fingers as she finally drifts peacefully to sleep.

Three Years Later

Lexa usually wakes up before Clarke, and today is no different. They have slept in that position every night since that first night. Even though Lexa no longer has trouble with homesickness they have grown accustomed to sleeping beside each other. So much that Lexa has trouble sleeping without Clarke when they go home during the break. She wonders if Clarke has the same problem.

“Clarke, wake up,” Lexa whispers as she gently rubs her thumb against the back of her roommate’s hand.

Clarke groans as her rubs her eyes with her hand that is not currently entangled with Lexa’s. “Morning.” Clarke mutters, still half asleep.

Lexa pulls her hand out of Clarke’s grasp and carefully climbs over her best-friend as she gets out of bed. “Come on Clarke. It’s the first day of our senior year.” Lexa says as she shimmies out of her pajama shorts and throws them at her not yet fully awake roommate. Clarke doesn’t seem to mind the shorts that are now covering her face. She even situates them over her eyes to block the lights that Lexa just turned on.

“Clarke get up!” Lexa is now fully dressed in her school uniform and is out of things to throw at her problematic roommate.

“AHHH!!!!” Clarke shrieks as Lexa pours a cup of cold water on her face.

“Room 307. Calculus II.” Lexa mutters to herself as she walks briskly through the halls.

“Shit!” Lexa hears right after the sound of textbooks and notebooks falling to the floor. She turns around and sees a disheveled girl frantically trying to pick up her array of fallen items. Lexa quickly helps pick up the items that landed at her feet.

“Thanks.” the girl says as Lexa's hands over a small pile of loose-leaf paper and notebooks. “I’m Echo. I’m kinda a mess and completely lost.” Echo says in a self-deprecating tone. “Transferring to a new school senior year might not be as easy as I thought it would be.” Echo adds as she gazes keenly at the girl in front of her.

“No problem. What’s your first class? I can probably help. I’m Lexa by the way.” Lexa says slightly embarrassed with this new girl looking at her so intently. ‘It must be my hair. It took me forever to wake Clarke up this morning, so I wasn’t able to brush it. It probably looks like a bird’s nest. Or maybe I have something on my face. I should probably go to the bathroom—’

“My first class is Calculus II with Mr. Kane. Do you know where that is?” Echo asks disrupting Lexa’s thoughts.

“That’s actually where I’m heading right now”

“Hey Lexa!” Lexa turns to see Raven rushing down the hall to meet them. “You have 1st period Calc too?” Raven asks when she catches up.

“Yeah. Echo, this is Raven.” Lexa introduces. “Echo is new here”

“Hey.” Raven greets. “So Lexa, you’re coming to the party on Friday, right? You’re invited too, Echo.”

“Maybe. I don’t know”

“You need to come. Clarke won’t come if you don’t. It’s the first party of the senior year. Come on Woods.” Raven says adding slyly, “I know Clarke wants to go.”

“Fine. I’ll go.” Lexa relents as they reach their classroom.

She’s probably going to regret this.

Somehow, even though they signed up for all the same classes, Clarke and Lexa were put in different sections for each class. But at least they had lunch together, along with Raven and Octavia and their new addition, Echo. Like always, Clarke and Lexa get different meals and share with each other since Clarke always has a hard time deciding what she wants.

“So… How long have you two been together?” Echo asks randomly during lunch as Lexa was in the middle of cutting her sandwich in half, and Clarke was placing half of her chicken finger in Lexa’s plate.

“We’re not. We’re just best friends and roommates.” Lexa states almost robotically. It’s something she has to correct people on constantly. She doesn’t mind being mistaken as Clarke’s girlfriend. Clarke is beautiful, intelligent, and popular. Everyone loves Clarke. The fact that people think she could be Clarke’s girlfriend is quite flattering. Lexa just wishes she didn’t need to correct people.

“Oh. I’m sorry that I assumed.”

But Echo didn’t look sorry at all. In fact, she looked rather pleased. ‘She must like Clarke.’ Lexa thought. Everyone liked Clarke. Throughout their high school experience, Lexa has been acutely aware of several people who have had a crush on Clarke, but ever since Clarke rejected Finn sophomore year, people stopped trying to ask her out. Lexa always wondered why, but she was just grateful, since hearing about people asking Clarke out always caused her chest to throb painfully.

“So Lexa, are w—are you going to the party on Friday?” Clarke asks, with forced enthusiasm that Lexa doesn’t pick up on. Lexa also misses the sympathetic look Raven and Octavia shoot towards Clarke.

“Yeah. Raven already convinced me to go.” Lexa replies, picking out the banana peppers from her sandwich and placing them on Clarke’s plate. “I might leave early though. I want to call Anya. She’s starting college next week.”

“Half the school will probably be there. You should come too, Echo. It’ll be a good way for you to meet more people.” Clarke says as she puts Lexa's banana peppers in her half of the sandwich.

“She knows us. Who else does she need.” Octavia jokes.

“Lexa has been content with talking to only us for the past three years,” Raven adds.

“Hey! I have other people that I talk to.” Lexa says defensively. “I’m in clubs and stuff. I’m the president of the debate team.”

“Technically, you don’t talk to them, Lexa. You just debate with them.” Clarke adds teasingly.

“We have intellectual discussions.”

“About debate topics.”

Lexa pouts in defeat. So what if she doesn’t have that many friends. The ones she has are enough. Clarke is enough.

“It’s probably a good thing though, with how needy and jealous Clarke gets,” Raven adds knowingly.

“I don’t get needy or jealous.” Clarke whines, causing her friends to laugh at her childish tone.

“Remember Costia?” Octavia reminds her friends.

“Who’s Costia?” Echo asks.

“The bitch that tried to steal my best friend,” Clarke answers spitefully. “She graduated two years ago.”

“Yeah. Not needy or jealous in any way.” Octavia says sarcastically with a chuckle.

“That’s wasn’t me being needy or jealous. Costia hated me. She kept on trying to get rid of me. Tell them, Lexa.”

“She did keep on suggesting we hang out alone without Clarke,” Lexa replies, causing Raven and Octavia to laugh loudly.

“Lexa, that wasn’t Costia trying to get rid of Clarke. She was trying to date you.” Raven explains, still chuckling. “For someone so smart, you really are oblivious.”

Lexa scowls. Costia wasn’t trying to date her. She would’ve known if Costia liked her. She's not oblivious.

Lexa was correct when she thought she would regret going to the party. It was everything she hated squeezed into a few rooms: hot, smelly, and drunk people. She was sitting alone on the couch waiting for Clarke to come back from her journey to find non-alcoholic drinks. She was getting impatient so she decided to get up and search for her.

“Hey Lexa.” Finn greets her.

“Hello Finn.” Lexa stiffly replies. Lexa never liked the Arcadia’s resident “Bad Boy”, and her dislike for him only grew during their sophomore year after he constantly flirted with Clarke while still dating Raven, and asked Clarke out to the Winter Formal. Thankfully, Clarke rejected him.

Weirdly, Lexa was also slightly grateful for those events because that was how she and Clarke became friends with Raven. Apparently, mutually complaining about a douchebag was a great way to bond.

“If you're looking for Clarke, she’s over there with the new girl,” Finn says gesturing outside towards the back patio where Lexa could see that Clarke was indeed talking with Echo, both looking quite serious. “She’s probably rejecting another hopeless suitor,” Finn adds bitterly, obviously still not over the events of sophomore year.

Clarke turns so that her back is now facing the glass door so Lexa could no longer see her face, but she could see Echo face clearly as it breaks out in a smile before the two girls embrace.

“Or not. Looks like Clarke finally found someone she thinks is good enough for her.” Finn says jealously.

Lexa feels jealous too, but she knows she has no right to be jealous. She knew and accepted early on that her and Clarke would never be anything more than friends. Really cuddly friends that slept together every night and held hands a lot, but still just friends. Lexa could feel her heart clench uncomfortably and her eyes start to water.

She didn’t even notice she left the party until she was already at the door of her room. The room she shared with Clarke. Clarke who is now dating Echo. Lexa turns on her phone and looks through her contact until she reached the name of her sister.

“Hey Lex. I didn’t expect you to call so soon. I thought you were going to a party?” Anya says when she picks up the phone.

“I did. I was... Clarke is dating someone!” Lexa blurts out. Anya was the only person she shared her feelings about Clarke with. The only one she trusted to keep it a secret. Sure she was friends with Raven and Octavia. They were good friends, loyal, funny, entertaining, but they would always be Clarke’s friends first.

Lexa is now starting to regret never feeling the need to make other friends. She never thought there would be a day where Clarke wouldn’t be enough. It was naïve of her to think that though. Clarke is beautiful, intelligent, and popular. Everyone loves Clarke. She knew this. She is part of that everyone.

“Oh Lexa. I’m sorry. Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I saw the whole thing.”

“Lex—”

“Can we talk about something else? How is your dorm?” Lexa interrupts.

“Shitty. Small. I can’t turn around without bumping my ass into something.” Anya replies trying to lighten the mood.

Lexa and Anya continued to talk about Anya’s new college while never mentioning the situation with Clarke again. Before long Lexa’s eyes were struggling to stay open.

“You should probably go to bed. You sound tired.”

“Yeah. Talk to you later Anya.” Lexa says before hanging up, feeling emotionally exhausted. She quickly showers and goes to bed, not bothering to wait for Clarke to come back from the party and not wanting to imagine what Clarke was doing at the moment. It takes forever for her to fall asleep.

The feeling of Clarke slipping into bed next to her did not wake her up, but the feeling of Clarke interlocking their fingers does.

“Sorry.” Clarke whispers when she realizes she woke her roommate up. She gently brushes her thumb against the back of Lexa’s hand. For the first time, Clarke’s touch makes her feel uncomfortable. Lexa quickly yanks away her hand and rolls over so she is laying on her back. “It’s too hot.” Lexa says stiffly as her only excuse.

“Oh. Ok. Sorry again for waking you.”

Lexa knows that she and Clarke probably shouldn't sleep together anymore given the circumstances. She might not like the fact that Clarke will soon be in a relationship, and she doesn’t want her relationship with Clarke to change, but she doesn’t want to cause trouble for Clarke if Echo misconstrues Clarke and Lexa’s relationship as something it isn’t due to their unusual closeness.

Plus, it hurts too much to be so close to Clarke now.

Tomorrow, Lexa decides. She doesn’t have the will power right now to ask Clarke to go sleep in her own bed tonight. She’ll give herself one more night.

Lexa spends most of the Saturday in the library working on her college applications. As the top of her class, she has an almost guarantee that she will get admitted to whatever school she applies to. Lasts year’s valedictorian got accepted to every school she applied to, including 5 Ivy Leagues. That doesn't stop her from stressing though.

She doesn’t have a clear first choice so she is applying to several schools to keep her options open. Her final choice will probably be based on which school offers her the most scholarships and which school Clarke decides to go to. Clarke is also high in the school rankings on top of being student body president so she shouldn’t have trouble getting accepted to colleges either.

Lexa doesn’t get back to her room until late, and Clarke is already in her pajamas and lying in Lexa’s bed. Lexa quickly gets ready for bed and joins her. Clarke immediately grabs Lexa’s hand, holding it slightly tighter than usual.

“I missed you today.” Clarke says drowsily.

They are in their usual position, and yet again Lexa can’t bring herself to ask Clarke to go sleep in her own bed. ‘One more night.’ Lexa thinks.

“Yeah, I was in the library all day.”

“College apps?”

Lexa nods in reply, forgetting that Clarke can't see her in dark. “Yeah, I’ll probably do the same tomorrow too.”

There’s no reply. Lexa can hear Clarke’s even breathing and feel Clarke’s firm grip on her hand relax. One more night. Maybe two.

Lexa spends another whole day in the library, making great progress and finishing 3 supplementary essays. When she gets back to the room, Clarke is not yet there. She gets ready for bed and tries to stay up to wait for Clarke but ends up falling asleep.

Lexa wakes up to Clarke interlocking their fingers and her cold feet brushing against Lexa’s legs.

“Why are your feet so cold?” Lexa complains groggily.

“Sorry. I was outside in flip flops.” Clarke says while playfully rubbing her feet against Lexa’s legs to warm them up.

“What were you doing out so late?” Lexa askes, still not fully awake.

“I was hanging out with Echo and we lost track of time.”

Lexa is now fully awake. This must’ve been their date. Lexa’s heart throbs painfully, and Clarke's gentle touches now feel like cuts in her skin.

“Maybe we should stop sleeping together.” Lexa says stiffly, trying to control the emotions in her voice.

“Is it because my feet are cold?” Clarke asks jokingly but slightly concerned. Her feet stop moving, but she starts to grip Lexa’s hand tighter. Lexa pulls her hand away, trying not to yank it away too fast, not wanting Clarke to know how much her touch hurt.

“No. It’s just…” Lexa tries to find the right words. “Given the circumstances, it is inappropriate for us to continue sleeping together. Even though we know it’s strictly platonic, other people might not see it that way.” Lexa explains evenly, proud of how steady she was able to keep her voice despite the fact that it now hurts to breath.

“Oh," Clarke says despondently. "You mean Echo.”  The amount of hurt in her voice goes unnoticed by Lexa who is still preoccupied with trying to hide her own.

“Yeah”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah”

“Really?”

“Yes”

“Ok then.” Clarke says as she goes to sleep on her own bed for the first time in three years. “Good night Lexa.”

“Good night”

Lexa knows this is for the best, but that doesn’t stop her from wanting to take is all back and just enjoy Clarke next to her holding her hand as she sleeps. But she can’t enjoy that anymore. Not when Clarke has Echo.

It’s been two weeks since Lexa and Clarke stopped sleeping together, and the lack of sleep has made Lexa feel constantly fatigued. But, Lexa worked hard to hide how much the new sleeping arrangements have affected her.

Echo still sat with them every day during lunch and Lexa tried her best to act civilly with Echo, feigning interest in everything she says, laughing at all her jokes, forcing fake enthusiasm into her voice. She realizes she may have been overcompensating when she notices Clarke’s rigid composure and narrowing eyes as well as Raven and Octavia sending Clarke sympathetic looks.

After that, Lexa began to tone it down, not wanting Clarke to think she was interested in Echo or was trying to steal her girlfriend. Was Echo her girlfriend? Have they made it official? Lexa wants to ask but is too scared of what the answer could be.

“So Lexa…” Echo says, jostling Lexa away from her thoughts. “Do you want to do something this weekend? Like see a movie or go to that new Thai restaurant, or both?”

‘Their relationship must be getting serious if Echo wants to hang out alone with her girlfriend’s best-friend.’ Lexa thinks before answering. “Sure. That would be great!” Lexa replies with fake enthusiasm. Too much enthusiasm she realizes when she sees Clarke stiffen and her jaw clench.

Maybe she should talk to Clarke about this and make it explicitly clear that she has no interest in her girlfriend. That would be an awkward conversation though since she was interested in Clarke. Maybe not then. She’ll just have to be more careful Lexa decides as she picks the banana peppers off her sandwich making a small pile on the side of her plate. She should really remember to ask for no banana peppers next time.

Lexa groans inwardly. Being a good best-friend is difficult when you have feelings for you best-friend and said best-friend may or may not think you have feelings for her girlfriend. If she didn’t feel like there was a dull knife constantly carving into her heart, she may have found the situation humorous.

Clarke still wasn’t back in the room by time Lexa was ready for bed that night, which wasn’t unusual. For the past few weeks Clarke didn’t return to the room until after Lexa was asleep, probably staying up late with Echo again, so Lexa stopped trying to wait for her.

Lexa wakes up to the familiar feeling of Clarke interlocking their fingers. At first, Lexa thought she was dreaming, but soon realized that Clarke was really in her bed. She tries to pull her hand away only to have Clarke grip it tighter and pull it against her chest. Lexa can feel a heartbeat pulsing rapidly through her hand but is unsure if is Clarke’s or her own.

“Clarke, what are you doing?” Lexa asks, now fully awake.

“Please don’t make me leave.” Clarke pleads weakly. “I’ve barely slept in two weeks. Please Lexa. I need this. I’ll talk to Echo about it if you want. She’ll understand.”

“Ok.” Lexa relents, maybe a little too quickly. She needs this too. She never thought their new sleeping arrangements would affect Clarke this much too.

They lay there in silence. Clarke had maneuvered their hands so now it was only centimeters away from her face. Lexa can feel Clarke’s uneven breaths against her hand. They’re lying so close that Lexa can feel every shift of Clarke’s body. However, it wasn’t until Lexa felt the wetness of the sheet by Clarke’s face that she realized that Clarke was crying.

“Clarke. What wrong? What happened?” Lexa asks alarmed by her friend's tears. She quickly sits up and turns on the lamp by her bed with her free hand, and in the light, she could now see the tears streaming down her best-friend’s face.

Clarke doesn’t reply and just sits up on the bed.

“Clarke did something happen? Is this about—?”

“I love you.” Clarke says forcefully with a new determined look on her face even through her tears. “I’m in love with you. I have been for a long time. I know that you don’t… I don’t want to…” Her strong voice weakens with each word before trailing off completely. Her confidence wavering with each passing second with no reply from Lexa.

“I love you too.” Lexa says finally with a soft voice, still in shock from her friend’s declaration.

“You do?” Clarke asks hopefully, with strength returning to her voice.

“Of course.” Lexa says as she cups her face, wiping away her tears with her thumb. She leans in rest her forehead against Clarke’s. Clarke smiles contently before tilting her head and bringing their lips closer and closer together until Lexa jerks away suddenly, remembering something important.  

If the situation wasn’t so serious Lexa may have laughed at the visual in front of her. Clarke was still leaned forward with her eyes closed and lips slightly puckered before she realized that Lexa pulled away and gives Lexa an adorable confused pout.

“What about you and Echo?” Lexa asks still not fully understanding the situation.

“Me and Echo?” Clarke looks even more confused now.

“You guys are dating…”

“What? No. Because she likes you…  Didn’t you start distancing yourself from me because you wanted to date her, right? That’s why you wanted to stop sleeping together."

“But the party… and the late night hang outs… Tell me what’s really going on Clarke.” Lexa says when she sees realization flood Clarke’s face.

“Ummmm…” Clarke starts to smile sheepishly and light flush invades her face. She looks down at the bed sheets and starts fiddling with a loose tread. “So at the party, during the first week of school, Echo came up to me and told me that she liked you and wanted my help to get closer to you.”

Clarke is still focusing her gaze on the bed sheet instead of meeting Lexa’s intense stare as she continues her explanation. “The time I’ve been spending with Echo is because she wanted to know more about you, so I’ve been just telling her things about you and stuff…”

“So you’re not going out with Echo?” Lexa clarifies, finally piecing together what the past two weeks have been about.

“Did I ever say I was. I would've told you if I was.”

“No. I guess not.” Lexa feels relieved and chuckles at how badly she misinterpreted the situation. “Wait” Lexa grows serious again. “Why did you agree to help Echo?”

Clarke’s smile becomes sheepish once again. “I didn’t think you would agree to go out with her. I never thought you would leave me for someone else...” Clarke says before correcting herself. “Not that I thought we were a couple or anything… It’s just that… We kinda sleep together every night. That doesn’t really scream strictly platonic friendship, you know?”

Clark lowers her gaze to the loose thread on the bed sheets yet again. “And she’s been buying me candy and offered to do my math homework.”

“Clarke.” Lexa tries to feign anger, which is hard to do with the grin on her face. She couldn’t help but be amused with Clarke’s antics. Clarke reaches over and intertwines their fingers. It feels familiar yet novel.

“I love you.” Clarke says with a seriousness to her voice that Lexa doesn’t often hear.

Lexa smiles but doesn’t reply with words. Instead, she leans forward and presses her lips against Clarke’s. Clarke probably didn’t mind Lexa’s method of reply since Lexa can feel her smile against her lips. She still tastes a little salty from her tears from earlier, but Clarke’s lips are still the most delicious thing she’s ever tasted.

Lexa gasps in surprise as she feels Clarke climb onto her lap, straddling her hips as she tangles her hands into Lexa’s hair. Neither of them dare break the kiss as Lexa rests one hand on Clarke’s hip and uses the other to support Clarke’s back as she slowly leans forward until the back of Clarke’s head touches the bed. The kiss gets more heated as Lexa feels Clarke suck on her bottom lip before tentatively slipping her tongue into Lexa mouth.  

Suddenly, Lexa jerks back. “Did I accidentally agree to go on a date with Echo?!”

Chapter Text

Sophomore Year

“Clarke. Are you still awake?”

“No.” Clarke mumbles back drowsily, but she feels Lexa pull her hand away from hers and she’s suddenly wide awake. Lexa turns on the lamp next to her bed before lying back down.

“Clarke… I need to tell you something.” Lexa sounds so nervous and timid, causing Clarke to look at her friend’s face with immediate concern, hearing the seriousness in her best friend’s voice. She rolls over to completely face Lexa and waits for her to continue.

“…I’m gay.”

Clarke exhales a breath she didn’t realize she was holding. For a second she thought there was something seriously wrong, but nothing’s wrong because Lexa’s just gay, and that’s wonderful.

“Um… Clarke…”

Clarke is pulled away from her thoughts to see Lexa with a perplexed look on her face, and Clarke realizes she hasn’t said anything in reply. Instead she’s been just lying there with a stupid grin on her face.

“Sorry for zoning out, but that’s great Lexa.”

“It’s great that I’m lesbian?”

“Not just great! Wonderful! Magnificent! Super-duper! The cat’s pajamas” Clarke exclaims, with each word louder than the next, causing Lexa to giggle at her friend’s antics.

“The cat’s pajamas?” Lexa says still laughing.

“I’ve heard my grandma use it sometimes.” Clarke replies with a shrug.

“This doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable at all?”

“Of course not.” Clarke instantly replies with a rare seriousness to her tone. “Nothing about you can ever make me feel uncomfortable.”

“You don’t want to stop sleeping together?”

“No!” Clarke says, sounding more frantic than she meant to. “Unless you want to?” She continues in a softer, hesitant tone.

Lexa simply smiles and turns off the lamp before interlocking their fingers.

“Good night, Clarke.”

“Good night.”

“Stop moping.” Octavia teases.

“I’m not moping. I’m just tired.” Clarke replies with a pout. It’s an understatement though because Clarke is absolutely exhausted and slightly delirious. Not sleeping well for three days straight does that to a person.

“Lexa’s only been gone for three days. You two are ridiculous”

It feels like more than three days. Stupid debate tournament. Stupid best-friend who she seems to no longer be able to sleep without. Everything is stupid. Her life is stupid. Stupid. But Clarke is definitely not moping.

“Hey Clarke.” Clarke turns to see who interrupted her non-mopey thoughts and finds Finn stand there with an annoyingly confident smirk on his face. “So the Winter Formal is—”

Clarke starts tuning him out. Partially because she’s too tired to concentrate and also because Clarke is going to the dance with Lexa, and even if she wasn’t she would never go with Finn. He’s been relentlessly flirting with her for weeks, and Clarke has been quick to shut him down each time, especially once she found out he had a girlfriend. He probably thinks she’s just playing hard to get. You’d think the guys at this school would realize by now that she wasn’t interested in any of them.

Clarke always wondered why she was never interested in any of the guys that asked her out. Spending time going out with guys meant less time spent with Lexa –

Oh….

Well then…

It all make sense now. Why she hasn’t been interested in any of the people who’ve asked her out. Why she was so weirdly happy when Lexa told her she was gay.

She’s just completely in love with her best friend, and she can’t believe it took her this long to realize.

“Idiot… I’m in love with Lexa.”

“What?” An insulted voice pulls Clarke away from her thoughts. Oh right. Finn’s still here, and Clarke realizes what she accidentally said out loud.

“Oh, not you. I’m the idiot. I didn’t mean…” Clarke starts off apologetically but then realizes who she was talking to. “You know what! You are an idiot, because I’ve made it clear over and over again that I’m not interested and you won’t leave me alone!” Clarke’s voice increasing in volume and confidence with every statement.

“If this is about the girlfriend, we broke up. If you just got to know me – “

“No.”

“Why won’t you give me a chance!?”

“Because you’re a douche and I’m in love with my best-friend!”

It was then that Clarke notices that the eyes of the entire cafeteria were on her. Well that’s one way to come out.

Two-ish Year Later

“So explain to me why you and Lexa aren’t boning yet?” Octavia questions

“Cause neither of us has a dick. Hard to bone with no boner.” Clarke replies with a disinterested tone.

Clarke and her friends returned to school a few days before classes started again. Lexa had a debate club meeting so Clarke decided to hang out a bit with Octavia a bit, but she starting to regret that decision.

“You know what I mean, Griffin. It’s been it’s been almost two years since your grand declaration of love in front of half of the student body.”

“I’m just waiting for the right time.”

Honestly, Clarke is confounded by the fact that Lexa has yet to hear about the cafeteria fiasco, but Raven and Octavia just gave her a cryptic, “We’ll take care of it”, and somehow no one mentioned it to her. Not that Clarke is that afraid of Lexa knowing, because she’s 95% certain that Lexa feels the same way, and she’s pretty sure Lexa already knows how she feels since Clarke has never been subtle with her affections. It’s just that she would much rather tell Lexa herself.

“It’s not a good time right now. We’re both busy with college apps, and I when Lexa and I finally start a relationship, I want it to be when both of us actually have time to enjoy it.” Clarke continues.

At first Clarke kept it from Lexa because she wasn’t sure Lexa felt the same way and didn’t want to risk their friendship, but by mid junior year she was pretty confident that Lexa did feel the same. Now she was just waiting for the right time.

She is excited for more, but at the moment Clarke is content with being just friends with Lexa. Well, their version of friends, since Clarke and Lexa were never really ever “just friends”.

“Don’t worry Octavia. The second we’re done with college apps you and Raven will have to learn to knock before barging into our room.” Clarke ends with a wink.

First day of senior year could not have been worse. She and Lexa weren’t put in any on the same class sections even though they signed up for all the same classes, she was late to her first class, and now there’s some new girl who keeps on giving Lexa annoying heart eyes.

“So… How long have you been together?” Echo asks as Clarke place some of her chicken fingers onto Lexa’s plate and waits for Lexa to give her half of her sandwich.

Clarke tries to keep herself from giving the girl a glare. If she thinks that Clarke and Lexa are a couple, then why is she still trying flirt with Lexa.

“We’re not. We’re just best friends and roommate.”

Clarke can’t help but frown at Lexa’s response and Echo’s giddy reaction to it. Clarke knows that it’s not fair for her to be angry at Echo’s for having a crush of Lexa.

Ever since Lexa hit her growth spurt at the end of sophomore year, she lost her youthful chubbiness and her features became sharp and angular. On top of that, she also became an exercise and health nut. At first Clarke was slightly annoyed by this development, especially when Lexa tried to get her to run with her in the mornings, but the payoff made it more than worth it. Because Lexa abs.

Not that Clarke creeps on her roommate. It’s just that Lexa likes to walk around in just a sports bra and athletic shorts after a workout, and Lexa is ridiculously hot. And as an artist, Clarke is obligated to appreciate beauty.

Clarke just isn’t used to people flirting with Lexa, because “Declaration of Clexa”, as Octavia calls it, happened before Lexa’s “rise to hotness”, so everyone at Arcadia understood and respected that both Clarke and Lexa were off limits. Too bad new girl hasn’t gotten the memo yet.

“So Lexa, are w--- are you going to the party on Friday?” Clarke corrects herself before she made the party seem too much like a date, and still a little upset from the earlier comments.

“Yeah, Raven already convinced me to go. I might leave early though. I want to call Anya. She’s starting College next week.”

Clarke smiled as she popped the banana peppers Lexa just placed on her plate into her half of the sandwich. It’s the first party of their senior year and Clarke is looking forward to spending it with her best friend.

Clarke then extended the invitation to Echo, trying to by nicer to the girl now that she acknowledges that her anger towards her is slightly unfair.

When Raven starts tease Lexa, Clarke can’t help but join in. She knows that Lexa isn’t actually upset by their comments, and Clarke loves Lexa’s adorable pout. But then Raven and Octavia bring up Costia.

Costia had terrified Clarke. She was beautiful, intelligent, and two grades older, and one of the few people that was interested in Lexa before their sophomore year. She also seemed to hate Clarke and seemed hell-bent on getting Lexa to herself. Back when her friendship was new, and Clarke wasn’t as secure in the strength of their relationship, freshman Clarke was terrified that she would succeed.

Clarke smiles as Lexa agrees and defends her. A person like Costia is something Clarke will never have to worry about again. Clarke is confident now of the solidity of her and Lexa’s relationship. There is nothing Clarke is more confident in than the fact that Lexa will always be in her life.

As Clarke and Lexa arrive at the party, Clarke feels Lexa stiffen as her grip on Clarke’s hand tightens. Clarke knows that Lexa doesn’t usually like parties, and she only came tonight because she knew Clarke wanted to come. Clarke is grateful and she wants to make sure that Lexa has fun tonight.

The House the party was help was huge belonging a day student who lived in the town so was able to take classes at the boarding school but still live at home. Their parents are also constantly traveling so pretty much every party Clarke has been to in the past few years have been in this house.

“Come on Lexa, I promise you’ll have fun.” Clarke says dragging Lexa through the crowded rooms to the game room. “Let’s play pickle pong.”

“I thought you wanted me to have fun?” Lexa replies playfully.

“Shut up. You love pickle pong. Don’t pretend you don’t.” Clarke says before sticking out her tongue at Lexa.

Pickle pong was a game Clarke and Lexa made up. Lexa never liked to drink at parties because she hated feeling out of control around people that she was not comfortable with. So instead of beer, each cup was filled with watered down pickle juice, and instead of tossing the ball, the game was played with paddles. If the ball hit a cup you had to drink half of the cup it hit, and if the ball went in the cup you had to drink the whole cup.

Clarke usually lost the game since Lexa’s reflexes were almost superhuman, and the brunette was extremely competitive. Although Clarke was able to get several good shots, forcing Lexa to drink a few cups, making an amusing face of disgust as she did so, when the game was finished, Clarke still lost.

“I’m going to get some drinks for us to get this disgusting taste out of our mouths.” Clarke says as she grimaces sticking her tongue out like a baby that was given lemon juice. “Juice or soft drink?”

“Whatever you find first.”

“Ok. I’ll be right back!”

Clarke goes directly to the cabinets that she has found drinks in before in earlier parties.

“Hey Clarke.” Clarke turns and sees Echo. “Can I talk to you about something?”

“Yeah. Sure.”

Clarke follows Echo to the back patio. The two stand in awkward silence for a few moments before Echo finally breaks the silence.

“So… I like Lexa.” Echo says with a confidence in her voice that slightly annoyed Clarke.

“Really!?” Clarke tries to keep the sarcasm out of her voice.

“Yeah. So I know you’re her best friend, so you probably know her really well—”

“I know Lexa better than anyone.” Clarke interrupts proudly, receiving a brief scowl from Echo.

“So anyway.” Echo continues, clearly annoyed with Clarke’s interruption. “I was wondering if you would help me ask her out...”

Clarke didn’t know whether to fervently say no or to just laugh. Why would she help some other girl date the girl she was in love with? Not that Lexa would actually go out with her, right?

“I know this is a lot to ask, and you won’t be doing this for free. I’ll do your Calc homework for the next month…”

Although it was a tempting offer, helping Echo would be misleading since Clarke was pretty certain that Lexa wouldn’t be interested, and it would be wrong of her to do so.

“Echo, to be honest, I don’t know if Lexa would be interested. She hasn’t dated anyone—”

“Are you saying I’m not pretty enough to catch her interest?” Echo angrily interrupts.

“No! No, I don’t mean that. It’s just – “

“Then what’s the problem? I’m hot. Lexa’s hot. We’d make a hot couple.”

“Fine.” Clarke relents, not wanting to argue anymore. Plus, Echo seems like she won’t take no for an answer. Plus, the petty part of Clarke wouldn’t mind seeing Echo brought down a few pegs.

“Sorry.” Clarke apologizes as she accidentally bumps into someone as she is desperately searching for Lexa in the crowd.

“Don’t worry about it.”

Clarke realizes the person she bumped into was Finn and her features immediately stiffened.

“Don’t be like that Clarke. If anything, I should be the one pissed at you. You did reject me in front of half the school.”

Clarke rolls her eyes as she turns around to leave.

“If you’re looking for Lexa, she already left!” Finn shouts at the retreating girl.

Clarke didn’t know whether she should feel angry that Lexa left without telling her or guilty for leaving her alone for so long. Helping Echo consisted of just telling her about Lexa, her likes, dislikes, goals, etc., and being a Lexa expert, Clarke had a lot to talk about and lost track of time.

Clarke felt a little guilty about the whole helping Echo thing itself. Helping a girl ask out your best-friend who you’re in love when you’re 90% sure she’s going to be rejected is kind of a shitty thing to do. But Clarke tried to tell her, and she’s not trying to sabotage her or anything. Echo just wants information, like Lexa loves Thai food and can’t eat Indian food anymore because of a food poisoning incident.

Also, Clarke doesn’t think Echo will be that hurt when Lexa rejects her. She barely knows Lexa and is probably only interested in Lexa because she thinks she’s hot.

By the time Clarke made it back to her and Lexa’s room, she still didn’t know whether her should act apologetic to annoyed. But when she opened the door and saw that Lexa was already asleep, with the moonlight slipping through the crack in the curtains illuminating her serene face, Clarke decided on neither.

She quickly gets ready for bed and joins her roommate in bed. Clarke tries carefully not to wake up the sleeping girl and is successful until she tries to interlock their fingers.

“Sorry.” Clarke whispers gently as she gentle rubs the back of Lexa’s hand with her hand, trying to lull her back to sleep.

Clarke feels Lexa abruptly jerk away and roll over to add space in between them with only a “It’s too hot” as an explanation. Suddenly Clarke feels cold. Is Lexa mad at her for leaving her alone at the party?

“Oh… Ok. Sorry again for waking you.”

Clarke is able to find sleep eventually, but her hand feels gnawingly empty.

The next morning Lexa acts like there is nothing wrong, so Clarke assumes she is forgiven, but Lexa also spends the entire day in the Library writing essays for her college apps so Clarke isn’t able to apologize.

Clarke also spends most of her day doing college apps too but is burnt out by the afternoon and takes a break to see Raven and Octavia to explain the situation.

“This is a horrible idea.”

“I agree with Raven. Clarke, what are you going to do if Lexa agrees to go out with her”

“Lexa won’t. She’s not interested in Echo.” Clarke tries to reassure her friends as she opens a bag of Starburst Jellybeans that are part of Echo’s payment. Starburst Jellybeans are the best candy ever.

“Even so, how is Echo going to react when Lexa and you start dating.” Octavia continues points out.

“Echo will hopefully be over the whole thing by then. Echo wants to ask Lexa out within the next two weeks and it’s going to be at least two more months before Lexa’s done with college apps.”

“I still don’t think this is a good idea.” Octavia says.

“Echo will probably stop hanging out with us the second Lexa rejects her. She barely says a word to rest of us. So, I wouldn’t worry too much about her reaction.” Raven rationalizes. “Besides the off chance that Lexa actually agrees to go out with her, I guess there isn’t anything else to worry about.”

“See O, it’s going to be fine. Plus, since Echo is doing my math homework, so I have more time to focus on College apps. Also, candy.” Clarke adds as she happily pops another jelly bean into her mouth.

Lexa doesn’t get back until late that night. Not that Clarke is surprised. Lexa has been a lot more stressed out about applying for college than she needed to be. Clarke is confident that Lexa will get in whatever school she wants. She’s more worried if she can get into the same school as Lexa wants to go.

As soon as Lexa gets into bed, Clarke immediately grasps onto her hand, not wanting to go another night with her hand feeling cold, empty, and out of place.

“I missed you today.”

It’s an understatement. Clarke understands how important applying to college is to Lexa. It’s the main reason she’s been holding off pursuing a relationship with her. Lexa barely has time to eat and take care of herself between her school work, clubs, and college shit.

But in a few more months, Clarke with tell her. She will tell her everything.

Clarke gets an excited but nervous jittery feeling just thinking about it. She is pretty sure that Lexa feels the same way. Like 80% sure.

For now, she’ll just enjoy the feeling of taking up the spaces between Lexa’s fingers with her own as she falls asleep.

Helping Echo was a horrible idea.

The whole helping some other girl come up with the perfect date to woo the girl you love is difficult enough without having to listen to them gush on and on. If she has to hear Echo say “Lexa’s so hot” one more time she may become violent.

She could of at least find more qualities of Lexa’s to gush about besides the superficial. Lexa has so many gush-worthy qualities besides being hot.

This may not be worth the candy and math homework.

“I actually talked to Lexa earlier today.”

That definitely got Clarke’s attention. She hasn’t seen Lexa all day. She even went to Lexa’s favorite spot in the library to surprise her with lunch, but she wasn’t there. She looked through all of Lexa’s usual spots and found no trace of her. How and where did Echo talk to Lexa?

“She was taking a break from her essays, and I ran into her at the coffee shop.” Echo continued smugly. “It was kinda a coffee date.”

Lexa took a break to hang out with Echo. Clarke hasn’t gotten to spend more than an hour with her in the past two days, and they live together. But she’ll take time to have a coffee date with Echo?

“She’s totally into me too. You were so wrong about her not being interested”

Clarke gets an uncomfortable feeling in her chest. A feeling she’s been free of since Costia. No. Lexa can’t be actually interesting in Echo. They barely know each other. Echo’s arrogant, shallow, and vain. Lexa’s not into that.

But Clarke actually has no idea what Lexa’s into. They’ve never really talked about it. Neither of them have had a relationship since high school. Clarke tries to remember the Lexa’s vague description of her first kiss, but all she can remember is that Lexa said she was a brunette. Echo has light brown hair. Is Lexa into that?

Clarke tries to subtly collect herself, before trying to formulate an excuse to leave.

“I should probably get going. We have class tomorrow and it’s getting late.” Clarke quickly gets up and walks away without waiting for a reply.

Clarke doesn’t go back to her room right away, but instead walks around aimlessly for a while. She regrets wearing shorts and flip-flops today, because even though it was warm during the day, the fall chill arrives once the sun set.

Clarke’s mind was racing, rethinking everything she thought she knew. Lexa had been acting strange the past few days. Even when Lexa is very busy and stressed, she always still made time for Clarke. Clarke can’t help but feel that Lexa is distancing herself.

Clarke was so sure she knew everything about Lexa. She was positive that Lexa loved her too, but maybe she was wrong. Maybe Echo was right. She has seen Lexa more than Clarke has the past couple days.

No. Clarke shakes her head as she walks determinedly toward her and Lexa’s room. Clarke knows Lexa. Learning everything there is to know about Lexa has been one of her greatest joys the past three years. Lexa has just been busy and stressed. That would explain her strange, aloof behavior the past few days.

Everything will go back to normal soon. She is just overreacting. She is sure of it. Pretty sure. Kinda.

It has never hurt more to be wrong. Because now Clarke is sleeping in her own bed for the first time in years. Even when Lexa was away on debate trips, Clarke would always sleep in Lexa’s bed. She sleeps alone when she goes home during break, but that is when Lexa isn’t in the same time zone as her. Now Lexa is in the same room, barely 20 feet away.

Clarke entertains the idea that she could wait for Lexa to fall asleep and just sneak into her bed, but that plan is quickly negated. Clarke needs to respect Lexa’s decision. If Lexa wants to pursue a relationship with Echo, Clarke needs to try to be okay with it.

Clarke should’ve told Lexa how she felt as soon as she realized. She should’ve told Lexa the second she came back from that stupid debate competition. Worst case scenario would’ve been Lexa rejecting her. Lexa would have been kind and gentle about it. She wouldn’t let it affect their relationship.

Clarke can handle rejection, but she’s not sure how she’s going to live with the all-consuming feeling of regret. This regret leaves Clarke feeling cold and empty. It steals her ability to sleep and replaces it with a mind full of what-ifs and could-have-beens. 

Clarke lasts for 2 weeks.

2 weeks of listening to Echo flirting with Lexa during lunch. 2 weeks of barely seeing Lexa. 2 weeks of walking around at night by herself, waiting until she knows Lexa is asleep before coming back to the room. 2 weeks of sleeping alone.

But Clarke can’t do it anymore. She exhausted, physically, mentally, and emotionally. She hasn’t even had to try to avoid Lexa since Lexa has seemed to be doing the same, and when they do see each other it has been superficial small talk.

Clarke is tired of it. She is tired of not talking to her best friend. She is tired of not know how to act around Lexa anymore. She is tired of living with this constant feeling of regret.

So, Clarke slips into Lexa’s bed, clings onto Lexa’s hand, and begs Lexa to let her stay.

Clarke moves her and Lexa’s interlocked hands in front of her face. Even in the dark she can make out the outline of their hands. She wants to memorize the look and feel of having Lexa’s hands in hers.

Clarke doesn’t know exactly when or why she started crying. She tries to conceal it, not wanting to alarm Lexa and lose this moment. But Lexa of course notices.

“Clarke. What’s wrong? What happened?” Lexa askes as she turns on the lamp.

It takes Clarke’s eyes a few seconds adjust to the light, but when she does she is met with the concerned face of the girl she loves.

Even though things have been weird between them for the past few days, Clarke is reassured with the fact that Lexa will always care about her well-being. Looking into Lexa’s panicked and confused face Clarke knows what she needs to do, and takes a few breaths to try to compose herself.

“Clarke did something happen? Is this about—?”

“I love you.” Clarke interrupts. ““I’m in love with you. I have been for a long time.”

Lexa doesn’t reply and the silence dampens Clarke’s confidence but she needs to keep going.

“I know that you don’t… I don’t want to…” Clarke tries to continues, wanting to make it clear that she isn’t expecting Lexa to reciprocate these feelings and that she’s not trying to sabotage Lexa’s developing relationship with Echo, but she doesn’t know how to articulate this in the right words. So her words trail off into silence.

“I love you too.” Lexa finally replies.

“You do?” Clarke asks, shocked by Lexa’s declaration.

“Of course.” Lexa says. She cups Clarke’s face as she wipes away Clarke’s tears. Clarke revels in Lexa’s gentle touch. Lexa leans in to rest her forehead against Clarke’s and the only thing that could make this moment better is a kiss. So, Clarke leans forward slowly, not wanting to rush the moment but also desperate to finally feel Lexa’s lips on her own, needing to know if their lips fit together as perfectly as their hands do.

But, Lexa jerks away the last moment. Clarke almost whines at missing the chance to finally taste Lexa’s lips.

“What about you and Echo?”

Clarke isn’t sure if she heard Lexa right. Plus, she’s still a bit distracted because of the fact that she was centimeters from Lexa’s lips just a few seconds ago.

“Me and Echo?” Clarke has no idea what Lexa is implying.

“You guys are dating…”

“What?!” Clarke has no idea what Lexa is talking about. “No. Because she likes you… right? Didn’t you start distancing yourself from me because you wanted to date her? That’s why you wanted to stop sleeping together…right?”

“But the party… and the late night hang outs… Tell me what’s really going on Clarke.” Lexa says.

Everything now made sense. Now Clarke kind of feels embarrassed about the whole situation.

“Ummmm…” Clarke starts as head looks down and takes interest in a loose thread on the bed sheet to avoid Lexa’s gaze. “So at the party, during the first week of school, Echo came up to me and told me that she liked you and wanted my help to get closer to you. The time I’ve been spending with Echo is because she wanted to know more about you, so I’ve been just telling her things about you and stuff…”

“So you’re not going out with Echo?”

“Did I ever say I was?” Clarke replies finally meeting Lexa’s gaze.

“No. I guess not.” Lexa replies with and chuckle. Clarke is relieved that the whole misunderstanding is put to rest. Now they can focus on other matters. Clarke’s gaze lower to Lexa’s lips again. She really wants to lean in again and –

“Wait. Why did you agree to help Echo?” Lexa asks, interrupting Clarke’s thoughts. Crap. Clarke feels her face start to flush again, not wanting to tell Lexa what she was getting out of her and Echo’s deal.

“I didn’t think you would agree to go out with her. I never thought you would leave me for someone else.” Clarke reasons. “Not that I thought we were a couple or anything… It’s just that… We kinda sleep together every night. That doesn’t really scream strictly platonic friendship, you know?” Clarke pauses and fiddles with the bed sheet again, not wanting to continue.

“And she’s been buying me candy and offered to do my math homework.” Clarke slowly looks up to gage Lexa’s reaction.

“Clarke.” Lexa tries saying in a disapproving tone but is unable to keep the grin off her face. Clarke really loves Lexa’s smile.

Clarke reaches for Lexa’s hand and weaves their fingers together.

“I love you.” Clarke affirms, not wanting there to be any uncertainty left in how she feels.

Clarke was expecting words in reply but got something much better. Lexa leans in and Clarke finally gets her kiss. Lexa starts off the kiss tentatively and Clarke can’t help but smile at her love’s gentleness. However, Clarke has years of pent of desires and fantasies, so, without breaking the kiss, she takes advantage of Lexa’s kneeling positions and climbs onto Lexa’s lap, wanting to be as close to Lexa as possible. She almost moans in reply to Lexa’s gasps but instead weaves her fingers into Lexa’s hair as she deepens the kiss.

She feels Lexa wrap her arms around her pulling her closer as she slowly leans forward and lowers Clarke onto the bed. Clarke body heats up, feeling Lexa’s body flushed against her own. Clarke gently sucks on Lexa’s lower lip before slipping her tongue into Lexa’s mouth.

Lexa suddenly pulls her head back and Clarke is afraid she did something wrong or was pushing her too fast. She’s about to apologize when Lexa exclaims, “Did I accidentally agree to go on a date with Echo?!”

Clarke can help but giggle at the absurdity of the situation.

“Clarke, it’s not funny. What do I do?”

Clarke composes herself and pulls Lexa back down so she can whisper in her ear. “I have I few ideas what you can do right now.”