Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Take me back to the Illyrian camp. Now.”

I don’t know when my windpipe started closing off or when my lungs started gasping - choking for air, but they were. Stay. Please don’t leave, stay. “Please.”

Feyre flew at me and snatched my hand with a force that could have brought down the mountains around us. “Take me back now.”

There were no words to describe the hollowness that struck my chest, the sickening grief that consumed me as I looked at Feyre and felt myself lose her all over again.

I gently took her hand and pulled her closer as I bent the folds of the world around us. The meagre strength I managed to muster immediately left the moment I began winnowing. Dizziness unlike anything I ever felt struck me, hard. My concentration broke and mud flew into my face as we hit the ground right in the middle of the Illyrian camp. I’d hoped to get us closer to the house, but now every fucking Illyrian in these damned mountains would see. See their bloodied and bruised High Lord. See him lying in the mud as the woman who could have destroyed them all if she wanted to walked away from him.

I pushed off the ground to scramble after her. All I wanted was her. Just Feyre. Just my mate. Mate. Mate. My mate.

I collapsed back into the mud as my arms gave out.

“Feyre,” I groaned, but she was too far ahead, getting closer to the house where Cass and Mor were running towards us. Cassian got to me first while Feyre asked Mor to take her away, away from me.

Mor looked pitifully at me and back to Feyre before she took her hand. “Feyre,” I pleaded one last time and then - and then.

She winnowed. Walked away exactly as she had promised she wouldn’t. And with that, my mate left me.

And I didn’t blame her one bit.

“Come on, we gotta get you into the house,” Cassian grunted as he pulled me up onto my feet and wrapped my arm around his neck. Gone. She left. My mate left.

“No!” The guttural sound that came out of me didn’t sound fae, but animalistic. “Feyre,” My arms reached for where she last stood, fighting against the tight grip Cassian had on me.

“Shit, Rhys!” Cass swore when dizziness caused me to veer so hard I nearly sent the both of us scrambling into a tree.  “I’m trying to help you!” My mate. Feyre. Gone. She walked away. She left. A sob left my body, my instincts to protect my mate kicking in.

“Fuck! What happened to you?” Clawing and scratching at Cassian’s arms, my newfound strength flickered out, leaving me sagging against his chest, shaking my head.

“Come on, let’s get you in the house.” Cassian gently helped me to the door, on which I immediately leaned as if my life depended on it.

“Now are you ready to tell me what the hell happened to you two?”

“Inside,” I muttered, my stomach twisting uncomfortably. With his help, I collapsed onto the couch, my whole body shaking uncontrollably.

“I’ll ask one more time, what the fuck happened out there?” Cassian stood in front of me with his arms crossed across his chest, fixing me with his hardest stare.

“Ambush,” I swallowed thickly against my rising nausea, ”we were shot out of the sky.”

“Shit,” Cass swore, running a hand down his face, “Hybern?”

I nodded. “Ash arrows dipped in bloodbane.” The door opened and Mor entered. A growl reverberated through my throat. “Where is she?”

Mor looked at me sadly, “You know I can’t tell you that.”

“You will fucking tell me!” I hissed.

“What the fuck’s going on between you and Feyre?” My blood boiled and the edge of my vision turned red.

“That fucking Suriel, it told her. I’m going to fucking kill it.”

“Told her what?” Cassian asked, looking between me and Mor.

“She’s my mate, Cass, my fucking mate and she fucking hates me!”

Mor looked at me with sympathy in her eyes, “I promised Feyre I’d get her some supplies, you’ll be okay without me?” She directed the last part of her sentence to Cass, who nodded. She winnowed away, just like she’d done with Feyre. Mate. My mate. Gone. Feyre.

“Come on, let’s get you to bed.” I swallowed thickly again, unable to stop the groan that escaped. 

“I’m- I’m gonna…” My stomach flipped and I felt the small amount I’d eaten earlier rise up the back of my throat. I pressed a fisted hand to my mouth while the other hovered protectively over my stomach. 

“Hold it.” Cassian commanded. He helped me up and practically dragged me into the bathroom and dumped me in front of the toilet. “Okay, you can let it out.” I retched into the pristine bowl, the plant Feyre had gotten me to chew minutes earlier and some of her blood rushing up to meet it. Feyre. My mate. Gone. My stomach turned itself inside out again and I coughed miserably into the bowl.

“Shit Rhys!” Cass cursed as he rushed to hold my hair back while I continued heaving into the bowl.

“Bloodbane ‘till leavin’ my ‘stem.” I slurred, my head drooping forward. I sat like that for another few minutes, bringing nothing up but dry heaves.

“I don’t think there’s anything left in you. Let’s get you to bed.” Those words seemed to trigger something as I leant forward and continued to retch and heave into the bowl, nothing but bile coming up. When the nausea finally seemed to ebb away, I lifted my head to look at Cassian.

“You ready for bed now?” I nodded lethargically and allowed him to strip me of all my clothes save for my underwear. He then helped me into the softer bed clothes when my limbs refused to stop shaking. I climbed into bed and collapsed on top of the pillows. Cass handed me a glass of water, which I sipped once then put aside while he got a bucket and placed it within easy reach of the bed. My throat tightened and my eyes burned as the day's events caught up with me.

“Do you think she hates me?” I whispered. Feyre. My mate. Left. Gone. Feyre. My stomach hurt just thinking about it.

“She could never hate you. Besides, she enjoys calling you a prick too much to give you the silent treatment forever.” Cassian smiled at me. What if she never speaks to me again? What if she refuses to even look at me? My heart started racing and I choked down a sob, my chest tightening making breathing very hard. What if she decides to leave the Night Court and go back to Spring? What if she goes back to Tamlin and retreats back into her shell? What if-

"Okay, I'm gonna stop whatever it is you're thinking that has made you this pale, so before you start hurling again, Feyre will forgive you. Sure, everyone knows she has a temper, but she's never been able to stay angry at you for long. My bet's that by the end of the week you two will be peas in a pod."

"But what if-"

"Nope." Cassian interrupted, fixing me with the look, "No 'what ifs'. She will forgive you. She will come back to you no matter what. She will figure out her feelings, because come on, it's pretty obvious how she feels. Everyone sees the way she looks at you. Now drink." I looked up at him, confused, but then he handed me my glass of water from earlier. "Don't give me that face. You just spent the past 30 minutes puking your guts up. Do I need to elaborate?"

Shaking my head softly, I took the glass from his outstretched hand and sipped at it again. The cold water hit my stomach like a stone dropping into water, hard and unwelcome. It took every bit of willpower in me not to gag. Cassian clearly saw me lose whatever little colour I managed to regain as the next moment he shoved the bucket in my lap.

Just in time too.

The tiny amount of water I’d managed to drink came rushing back up into the bucket. I stayed bent over that bucket, occasionally gagging but not bringing anything else up. 

“Feel any better?” Cassian asked me, sympathy written through his gaze. I shook my head, probably looking as miserable as I felt. 

“I’ve been fucking poisoned, how do you think I feel?” I snapped.

My head hurt. My stomach seemed to be fighting a war against itself and my limbs still wouldn’t stop shaking. Everywhere the arrows touched felt like it was on fire and the bloodbane lingering in my system continued to have a damper on my powers. The world wouldn’t stop spinning and on top of all that, I felt like I was hanging upside down and swinging backwards and forwards. 

“Yes, well, I suppose that is what happened.” I shot a glare at Cass, who, in turn, smirked at me. “You should try get some sleep, you might feel better soon.” He was right. Cauldron, I hate it when he’s right. I nodded slowly and lay down, shivering as my head touched the pillow. Cass pulled the cover up and smiled softly at me, before walking to the windows and shutting the curtains. 

“I really don’t feel well.” I whispered into the darkness. 

“Sleep well, I’ll be outside if you need me.” Cassian said, closing the door softly behind him. The room was finally quiet, and miraculously, I managed to drift off to sleep. 

Chapter Text

I opened my eyes, my head pounding, my blood burning in my veins. My clothes were soaked through with sweat, and yet I’d never felt so cold in my life. A soft groan slipped past my lips before I could stop it, catching the attention of the person sitting in the armchair across the room.

“You’re awake!” Cassian, I decided.

“It seems to be that way.” I croaked, my throat so dry it wouldn’t work.

“Az left to get Madja last night, so they should be here soon.” I nodded, not really caring that a lot of fussing was in my immediate future. Not when Feyre wasn’t here. Mate. My mate. Gone.

“Mor feels really bad, you know.” Cassian continued, oblivious to my growing heartache, “she wants to tell you but knows that Feyre needs the time alone to think and-“

“Can I have some water please,” I said that as a statement, not a question. I already felt sick as it was; I didn’t need the reminder of how much Feyre already hated me. Cass raised an eyebrow at me, whether that was from me interrupting him or from him remembering what happened the last time I drank water, I couldn’t tell. Nevertheless, he got up and gave me a half-filled glass.

“Slowly, I don’t want to have to clean up your puke again, which you owe me for, BIG time.” I took a sip and nodded, wincing when the action caused the room to spin out of control. I could feel Cassian’s frown as I closed my eyes in an attempt to make the room stop spinning.

“Are you alright?” Cass asked, reaching a hand forward to touch my forehead.

“I’m fine!” A hint of defensiveness crept into my voice as I dodged his attempt at placing his hand on my head.

“Stop- moving!” Cassian grunted before finally landing his hand on my head. “Shit Rhys! You’re burning up!”

“Well done, Sherlock.” I snapped, rolling my eyes, immediately regretting the movement. The room once again spun out of focus, the walls tilting and the room blurring into one large smear of colour and shadows, but this time it wouldn’t stop spinning no matter what I tried. I groaned at the spike of pain that went through my head, almost dropping the glass Cassian had just handed to me.

“Okay, I’m gonna take that back until you can move your eyes without almost passing out.” He took the glass from my hand, leaving me to cradle my aching head. I lay like that for a few minutes, focusing on my breathing, slowly letting go of my head as the pain subsided. I looked blearily up at Cassian, my breaths coming in short, sharp gasps. I barely saw the concern written through every line on his face, didn't hear his words to me over the ringing in my ears. All I knew was the hollow ache in my chest that Feyre once filled. That and my increasingly dimming vision.

The next thing I knew was darkness.

0.0.0.0.0

“Did he say how he was feeling?”

“No, he just groaned and clutched his head. He wasn’t breathing right. Then he looked at me blankly and his eyes just… rolled into the back of his head! I tried to wake him, but nothing worked!” The voices penetrated the small nook I had found in my mind where none of my worries or troubles could find me. Where everything was peaceful, where everything was dimmed and muffled but in a pleasant way, where everything-

“Did he say anything before that?”

“He- he- I asked if he was feeling alright, but he said he was fine. I didn’t believe him, so I went to feel his temp- he was burning up.” The voice my addled brain had managed to identify as Cassian dropped off into a whisper. I was jolted back into my body, everything aching fiercely. I groaned softly, subsequently gaining the attention of everyone in the room.

“How long was I out?” My tongue felt like a piece of sandpaper that was stuck to the roof of my mouth. I felt Cassian and the unknown person jump.

“Five hours,” Cassian answered quietly. “You scared me real bad, Rhys. Don’t you EVER do that to me again.”

I looked around the room, my eyes settling on the unknown person, Madja. “I’m sorry.” And I actually meant it.

“What sort of trouble have you gotten yourself into this time, High Lord?” Madja questioned me with the sort of glint in her eyes that came with centuries of having to put me back together.

“Feyre-“ my voice broke off. Feyre. Mate. Gone. I cleared my throat, “Feyre and I were flying when we were ambushed. We shot out sky by Hybern with ash arrows dipped in bloodbane.”

“Alright, let’s have a look at those wings,” she said, already making her way over to me. She inspected them for about 10 seconds before announcing, “Ahhhh! That’s what's causing you so many problems.”

“What?” Cassian demanded, pushing his way forward to look at my wings.

“There’s still a bit of ash wood in your wing.”

"Shit, Rhys, I'm sorry. I- I should've noticed, I- I'm sorry. I-" Cass stumbled over his words, apologising profusely.

"It's fine," I said, my heart breaking to see the amount of guilt and pain on his face, "really, Cass," I added when he looked like he didn’t believe me.

"Luckily, this is an easy fix," Madja said, rummaging through the bag she'd brought, "all you need to do is lie still." I smiled gently at Cassian, my friend still looking impossibly guilty. It's fine, I'm fine. "Now, High Lord, don't move or this will hurt a lot more than it has to." She gently pressed my left wing onto the bed, probably holding it down in case I started thrashing or something. I felt her brace her hand and position the tweezers over where I suppose the shard from the ash arrow was. I inhaled sharply, and she gripped the bit of wood and yanked it out, hard and fast.

The effect was instant. My head stopped spinning so furiously, and my stomach stopped trying to crawl out of my throat, the burning in my wings ceasing immediately. I sagged and sighed with relief, my muscles relaxing.

"Thank you," I managed to croak, my voice scratchy from a lack of use.

"Better?" Madja asked, placing the trouble-making piece of wood into a jar. It was small, barely bigger than the nail on my pinkie finger, and yet the effect it had on me was astounding. I nodded, relief rushing to fill my chest when the world didn’t spin out of control or when my stomach didn't lurch.

"Thank you," I whispered again, the small amount of energy I had now gone.

"There's not much I can do about the Bloodbane other than keep you on bed rest until it clears your system," Madja said, giving me a pointed look to remind me of all the times I managed to escape bed rest. I smiled at the reminder, remembering one time when she'd found me out cold on the floor of the balcony. She'd just given me more bed rest. "Until then, you will be seeing a lot of these walls." She turned to face Cass, "I trust you'll keep him in bed?"

He nodded, and I knew that he would do everything to keep me in that bed. He already felt like he'd failed me with the arrow shard; he wasn't about to fail me again. I saw that in the set of his gaze as he promised her, "Rhysand will not leave that bed until you give him the all clear, I swear upon my life." I rolled my eyes at his theatrics, shaking my head fondly at my brother as I sat up and leaned against the cushions.

"Right, I'll leave you to get some rest. I'll be back in the morning to see if you've improved or not." I nodded, already feeling my eyelids becoming heavier. Cauldron, I was tired. I shook myself awake to hear her parting words, "Until then, I suggest you try to eat something."

Once she exited the room, Cassian turned to me and said, "You heard what the healer said, food." I nodded, too tired to form any sort of verbal response. "So you'd better have that butt of yours in bed when I come back with a meal big enough to feed 10,000." I nodded again. My whole body still ached, and my blood was fire in my veins, making moving currently not an option. It probably wouldn't be for some time to come. Cassian fixed me with a hard stare and shut the door, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

I sagged as exhaustion threatened to overcome me. All I wanted to do was close my eyes and fall into a deep and uninterrupted sleep, but Cass would have my balls if I fell asleep before I could eat whatever monstrosity he was whipping up. Probably something completely unnecessary and extravagant. I don't know how long I sat there, remembering all the times me, Az, and Cass had gotten ourselves into trouble one way or another. Like the one time Cass convinced me and Az that we couldn't fly through a small crack in the mountainside. It ended with both me and Az in bed for a week. I wonder what Fey- mate. Gone. It felt like a shard had been stabbed through my chest all over again. She'd never forgive me, not after what I'd done to her. She finally sees me for the monster I am, not the person she thought I was. Tears pricked the corners of my eyes. I never deserved her. She was too good for me. I should've just told her, then maybe it wouldn't be like this. I was too selfish- too much like Amarantha's wh-

"I can practically hear your thoughts," Cassian said, pushing the door open and placing a tray with a concoction of things ranging from porridge to a whole slab of steak. I looked up at him, one eyebrow raised in a silent question. "What?" he asked, getting defensive, "mashed potatoes are perfect for breakfast! Or well, an early dinner, I suppose, if you go by the time of day."

I laughed, surprising myself. "Thank you." I grabbed the tray from him, deciding to eat the small bowl of soup he'd probably added as an afterthought. The warm liquid was soothing on my scratchy throat and warmed me from the inside out. I could feel my eyelids drooping further and further against my will, sleep coming to claim me whether I wanted it to or not. I barely registered Cass taking the half-full bowl from my hands, or when he gently pulled the covers up to my chest.

But I did hear him whisper, "Sleep well," then blissful unawareness stole my consciousness.