Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was a cold Tuesday morning, and the sky reflected the atmosphere that held Seidou’s baseball club in a chokehold.

Kazuya returned to his room to start packing. The coaches and the school’s principal have decided that the team needed a break, as if that would help, as if that would bring him back.

He went through his stuff mechanically, feeling numb to everything around him. He couldn’t even spare a moment to think about where he’s going, to that house he hated the most, now it seemed like the smallest of inconveniences. He felt like if he would pity himself even for a second then that would take away from his punishment. Kazuya should suffer, that is the only way he knows how to live with it.

As he opened the drawer to take his notes he found something that was out of place. A letter he doesn’t remember putting there. When Kazuya picked it up he felt the blood in his veins go cold. This is how he dies, he thought to himself. On the letter there was a single word, but it was enough for him to understand. ‘Tanuki’.

He felt the bile rise up in his throat, he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move as his feet were rooted to the floor. The letter in his hands felt like it was on fire, every single finger that was in contact with that cursed paper burnt him on the spot. The only thing that went through his mind is why me? Out of everyone, what is it that you wanted to tell me? Why now? Why not before… He stared at the letter, willing it to disappear, and almost laughed at his predicament. He wanted to feel pain, no? Well, this is his divine punishment.

Just as he was contemplating whether to open the letter and be done with it or ignore its existence, he felt his phone buzzing in his pocket. He quickly shoved the letter to his duffle bag with the rest of the items that he needed and picked up the phone as he exited the room. “I’m coming.” He told his father who undoubtedly was already impatient by the whole situation, as if it was Kazuya’s fault the school had their parents pick them up right after they just had returned from a weekend break.

On his way to the parking lot he bumped into the last person he wanted to see. Kuramochi was standing there staring into nothing, almost seemed as if he had no idea what to do with himself but Kazuya knew better. Kuramochi was waiting for him. As soon as Kazuya was in his line of sight he was out of his stupor looking at him as if he was the one who personally did the act they all purposely avoided talking about.

“Will you come to see him? On Friday?” Kuramochi asked but it felt like an order in Kazuya’s mind.

“His family invited us.. god knows why… We plan to go earlier, maybe help around if they let us.” Kuramochi said while studying him and Kazuya was sure that he was seconds from passing out.

When Kuramochi realized he wasn’t getting anything out of Kazuya he continued. “You should come… you must. It’s the least you can do.” After a few moments he decided to leave without hearing Kazuya’s response.

Kazuya stood there for a minute as he released the breath he didn’t realize he was holding. He held on to his duffel bag for dear life as he felt his entire body shake with mixed emotions. The strongest of them all was anger, he couldn’t help but being angry at everybody and everything and most of all at himself.

He beelined to his father’s car before anyone else had the chance to stop him and add fuel to the fire that burned in his core. As he entered the car he tried to make himself small and prayed that this drive would be over quickly so he could bury himself under the blankets, and close off the outside world while he lies safely in his bed.

“I won’t be able to drive you on Friday. You will have to travel on your own.” His father said just before they reached their home and he wanted to hurl at the spot. He didn’t want to talk about that with anyone and definitely not with his father. He made a small sound to let him know he understood, and as soon as they stopped in the front yard of their home he jumped out of the car and speed walked to his room.

Only once he was under the covers he allowed himself to breathe and tried to close his eyes, close his mind to the rest of the world. It’s only been one day and he already felt his entire body drained from any energy, suddenly shutting down without his consent.

*****

Kazuya was startled by the sound of his phone, realized he must have fallen asleep hours ago by the darkness outside his window. When he picked his phone he saw countless of unread messages and one missed phone call. He hovered over the name with his finger but couldn’t bring himself to press it. What could he say to him? He doesn’t understand what people wanted from him, can’t they give him a break?

Apparently they couldn’t because that person was calling him again, taking away Kazuya’s choice of when he wanted to do this confrontation. He could let it ring and ignore it but he knew he couldn’t hide forever so he reluctantly picked it up and tried to steady his hand as he brought the phone to his ear.

“Miyuki?” The voice said with a soft tone.

He opened his mouth and forced the words out. “Hi Chris.”

“I tried to reach you all day… Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, why wouldn’t I be?”

“Just wanted to make sure.”

Kazuya knew that Chris could see through his bullshit but was grateful that he didn’t call him out on that.

“So, what can I do for you?”

“I wanted to know if you’re coming? On Friday that is… if you have the address and everything. We sent the information in the group chat but I know you don’t use a smartphone and well… you’re not really responding to anyone…”

Kazuya closed his eyes and tried to control his breathing, straight to the jugular, he thought to himself. He knew Chris isn’t one to go around the bush but he was still surprised to hear this question, feeling taken aback and defensive.

“I don’t know. I have a lot to do and my dad needs me and… I’m not sure I have the time.”

“Miyuki.” Chris’ voice turned stern and Kazuya winced at his tone, knowing that none of his excuses really satisfied Chris. “I’m sending you the address. I hope to see you there.” He said with finality, it wasn’t a suggestion.

After a moment of hesitation Kazuya roughly exhaled and tried to stop himself from hyperventilating when he said “Okay. I’ll be there.”

There was another moment of silence before Chris spoke again.

“Miyuki?”

“Yes?”

“I’m here for you. If you need someone, anyone… call me.”

Kazuya made a small sound, not trusting his voice. The call ended a few seconds later but his phone was still pressed to his ear as if his body choked up and his brain has stopped working. He wanted to chuck his phone across his room and ignore everyone until Friday, maybe until the end of the year, if it means he’ll get some peace.

He wanted to burrow into the covers again but he was wide awake despite feeling like his body is running on its last fuel. He got up to get his notes from the bag, thinking that baseball will make for a good distraction. As he went through his things his eyes zeroed on the letter he hoped would magically disappear. Kazuya picked it up carefully and drowned the urge to rip it in half, he wasn’t sure if he should read it, what good would it do? It’s not like the other person was waiting for an answer and he wouldn’t know how to answer anyways, and if he would choose to ignore this letter no one would know. Before he could change his mind he shoved it back into his bag and decided that ignoring was the right choice for now.

Suddenly his body felt like lead and he fell on his bed without bothering to get under the covers. Sleep found him quickly but he wished it didn’t when he saw his face in his dream.

*****

As the week passed by Kazuya became someone he couldn’t recognize in himself but did see many times in his childhood. The anger, the frustration, the hopelessness - all showed on his face, resembling the person who abandoned him, day by day. When the team was given a break he dreaded the coming days, wanting time to stop and pretend he doesn’t exist or that the world around him was nothing but a nightmare. Now, he couldn’t wait any longer, he wanted to be done with it.

Ignoring everybody’s messages was a challenge but he was determined to do so even if he knew that he probably needs to talk to them and maybe they needed to talk to him. He wasn’t like that, he doesn’t do talking, especially not when he feels like something is stuck up in his airways.

So he kept ignoring and counted the days, and the minutes every moment he wasn’t asleep.

It hit him the day before, that he was going after all, there was never an option. He knew that not going would make him regret it more than going to see him and get angry all over again.

“I’m coming.” He whispered to himself wondering if he could hear him despite the distance.

*****

When Friday came it almost felt anticlimactic, as if waiting for this day was nothing but a fever dream. He decided to pack lightly, after all, there was only one thing he needed to bring with him and even though it weighed about nothing, it felt like the heaviest thing he ever carried.

On the way there, Kazuya thought of what he would say to him once he’s there but nothing really felt like it would be enough, and Kazuya was never a person of many words so why would he start now? It wouldn’t be like him and Kazuya knew he wouldn’t appreciate it. After all, honesty was his middle name the complete opposite of Kazuya.

He didn’t realize he was staring at nothing until he heard the name of the station being announced. He got out to catch the bus that would take him to his destination and felt the weight in his pocket slowing him down every step he took. Despite that, It was a surreal feeling, after this week he thought that his rage would pour out of him and consume him but here he was, calm, as if what he’s doing isn’t the thing he dreaded most.

Kazuya was oblivious until he reached the place and saw them from afar. Suddenly, he was stricken. He couldn’t do it. He wanted to turn back and pretend that he was busy after all but he couldn’t even move as he just stared at the crowd of people. Some were strangers and others he knew too well.

For a second he commanded his body to move and hid behind the trees as his eyes met with Chris. He said he would come but that doesn’t mean he needs to interact with them as well, this isn’t an alumni party and he’s not in the mood to speak with anyone or look at anyone, or do anything really. Just coming here has already taken everything out of him. It seemed that Chris understood as he only nodded once towards Kazuya before turning back.

So he chose to stay back and observe, he didn’t want to say that he was hiding because he would probably laugh at him for acting like this even now. Maybe, him laughing at Kazuya wouldn’t be such a bad idea but Kazuya wasn’t sure that laugh would be a warm one and he didn’t want to hear anything else in his mind.

Only once he was sure everyone was gone he dared to come out of the shadows. Even on his good days he couldn’t handle most human interactions, on his bad days… he couldn’t stand it. Today is worse than bad so he won’t take any chances, especially when emotions ran high through every person that was here to see him. It was ridiculous, the amount of people that came and he was both happy to see how many people care for this boy, but at the same time wondered if he’ll ever get even close. Kazuya could count on his hand how many people actually cared for him and he wasn’t even sure if it was out of free will or a sense of obligation, but he’s used to it, or at least he tries to convince himself that he is.

As he walked up to him he felt the breeze caress his cheeks, for a winter, this wind was warmer than usual. Soft, like feathers, like whispers on his skin. He could even see a little light shine between clouds, but it did nothing to take away from the burden that took place in his ribcage.

It has been a week since they talked last and Kazuya felt disoriented by the concept of time, because there is no way this week has been the same length as every other week. It felt too long and too slow and at the same time not enough. Not enough to prepare himself for what comes next. It felt like the universe was mocking him, that choosing to do this today of all days was some kind of way to get back at him. He knew he was being irrational, but he preferred irrational over helplessness.

“Hey…” he said softly. “Heh, I know you can’t hear me stupid…” Kazuya forced his signature smirk on his face. He blinked a few times and inhaled sharply as if he was resolving himself for battle. He felt ready, or as ready as he’ll ever be, and took out of his pocket a letter. One word. ‘Tanuki’.

He opened it quickly, scared that his resolve will crumble now that he’s here, scared that he’ll become something worse than the coward he already is. Most than anything, he wanted to know… needed to know. In the end, that was who he was at his core, someone who’s always trying to puzzle difficult problems and challenges, but this isn’t something solvable - and if it’s not solvable, then at least let him know the meaning.

He exhaled roughly one last time before his eyes laid on the words, carefully written, curves of ink that danced on white canvas. He read it like one would a bible, every word a mantra, every sentence a prayer. He couldn’t stop. When he reached to the end he started to read again, and again, and again… The more he read the more his body started to react without his consent. Shaky hands, ragged breathing, numb legs, cold sweat down his cheeks- no, not sweat… He doesn’t remember when it happened last, and now the feeling is so foreign on his skin and uninvited.

In a single breath he crushed the piece of paper and balled it into his fist. He clenched his teeth to stop himself from screaming at him, from laying at him every single moment of anger he felt throughout this week. He didn’t know what to do with himself as he pulled at his hair with his free hand.

The moment didn’t last long, and he found himself on his knees. Tired from all the emotions, all his thoughts.. tired of everything. He didn’t want to fight anymore, he thought to himself as he lay his head on top of him.

What is the point of fighting, of screaming, of being angry with the boy that lies somewhere so deep even the sun can’t reach? What is the point of the sun if its favorite person is no longer here? Forever lost.

Forever gone.

Tanuki

Miyuki Kazuya,

I’m not sure why I’m writing this letter.

I thought I said everything that I had on my mind when we sat down by field B on Friday. Do you remember that night? I was surprised that I could tell you most of the things that I did, and was even more surprised by your response… but, at this point we both know that it was to be expected, don’t we?

I know what you’re thinking, now that you must’ve learned what I did, and I wanted to tell you only one thing.

Don’t you dare take credit for that. It was my decision, and you couldn’t have stopped me even if you knew.

I won’t say anything more about this. I don’t think that you’ll want to know it and I don’t think I want to give it to you either.

This time I’m doing things by my own rules, and I won’t reveal anything to you. This is how I choose to go.

If there is one thing that I hope, is that the last thing I hear is that sound. The sound of my ball meeting your mitt. Have I ever told you how it’s stuck in my mind? Sometimes when everything is quiet around me I swear I could hear it. That would be nice, after everything that went down, despite of everything.

You might hate me for this letter, but in the end I choose to be selfish. Knowing that after you read this, you won’t forget me for whatever reasons you may choose.

Goodbye Kazuya.

Eijun.

Chapter Text

The dorms at Seidou’s baseball club slowly came to life as students returned from a short weekend break. It was a Monday morning and the cold was standing in the air fogging everyone’s breath as they hurried to put their luggage in the dorms before school.

Kazuya almost cursed when he pulled his hands out of his gloves to fish out his key from his pocket, no matter how many years passed he could swear the cold is getting worse each year, or maybe he’s getting worse at handling it. Whichever one it is he still finds it troublesome and wished he could crawl into his bed instead of heading to school.

When he arrived in class his headache only doubled. Everyone was chattering about their weekend and the stuff they did with their families, which Kazuya couldn’t relate to. He only spent his time either in his room looking at scorebooks or at the batting cages near his home, and the rest of the time he slept. Yes, he lazed around, sue him. He was already in his third year and he felt like a university student with all the responsibilities he shouldered, add to that all the school work and he might just retire by graduation. He dreaded the moment he would actually need to go to university, unless he decided to go pro which doesn’t sound less of a hassle but at least he would get paid doing what he loves, so he will count that as a win.

As he was daydreaming about his doomed future Kuramochi startled him with his loud voice, essentially ending his useless thoughts and bringing his headache to new levels. “YO! What’s up?”

“Did you swallow a megaphone on the weekend or what?!” Kazuya complained.

“Shut up asshole, great to see you too!”

“Yeah yeah, I know you missed me~” Kazuya drawled. He may have a headache but that’s no excuse to miss up his chance at riling Kuramochi.

“You’re unbearable, you know that right?”

“Thank you.”

“That wasn’t a compliment!” Kuramochi fumed as he sat at his desk facing Kazuya before he continued talking. “By the way, that Sawamoron didn’t come this morning. I thought he chose to stay at the dorms since Nagano was too far but no one saw him on the weekend, so maybe he changed his mind? I waited in our room with Asada for a while but he didn’t show up and we had to leave to make it in time to class.”

“Oh?”

“He didn’t tell you anything by chance?”

“Me? What makes you think he would talk to me and not you?”

“Well didn’t you two talk on Friday night, before the weekend?”

“Yeah, and?”

“Ugh why am I even trying…”

Before Kazuya could come back with another remark the teacher entered the class effectively ending their discussion. Though he couldn’t stop thinking about a certain loud mouth and about the fact that Kuramochi thought he knew something. He wondered what did Eijun tell Kuramochi about their talk on Friday, momentarily racking his brain about everything they talked about but decided to stop before his brain combust from all the stimulation this early in the morning, and on a Monday as well, missing his bed by the minute.

*****

Just as the last period was about to start, Kazuya and Kuramochi got instructed by their home room teacher to head to the dining hall after school. They both looked at each other with confused faces and nodded their heads as they were headed back to their sits.

“What’s that all about?” Kuramochi asked.

Kazuya wasn’t sure, he doesn’t remember it ever happened during his almost three years here at Seidou. Usually coach Kataoka assembles them at the field and they only meet at the dining hall during team meetings before games, since the tv is there and they need it to discuss gameplay. Then again, they just came back from a break, why is he making a big deal out of it? He decides it’s nothing but doesn’t want to miss the opportunity to jab at Kuramochi.

“I guess the police finally figured out where you’re hiding.” Kazuya said with a smirk on his face.

“HUH?! What is that supposed to mean you jerk?!”

“Hahaha wanna confess? What were you up to on the weekend hm? I thought the delinquent days were behind you Youichi-kun~”

“SHUT UP! I didn’t do anything! Maybe they’re here for your ass!”

They suddenly heard a clap and turned around to see the teacher looking at them unimpressed “I understand you both missed each other… but I would like to start the lesson now.” By now the whole class held their laugh and Kazuya felt embarrassed for a second until he saw the redness on Kuramochi’s cheeks and he decided that it was worth it.

“And watch your language Kuramochi-kun.” The teacher sent him a disappointed look.

“Yes ma’am.” Kuramochi mumbled and mouthed the words ‘I’m gonna kill you!’ at Kazuya with his deadly glare.

*****

When Kazuya reached the dining hall with Kuramochi, all of his previous confusion and bad feeling resurfaced at once. A meeting at the dining hall wasn’t such a big deal, no. A meeting at the dining hall with all of the coaches, homeroom teachers, principal and a police officer? What the hell warranted such an assembly. They were baseball nerds, none of them cared or had enough energy to do anything outside of club activities so he’s not sure what could possibly happen that had every adult on edge with a stern look on their faces. For a second Kazuya remembered his joke and glanced at Kuramochi, because.. there’s no way right?

Kuramochi caught his look and raised his eyebrows as if to send the message of ‘stop looking at me I swear I’m innocent.’ Kazuya opted to stay silent as he felt this wasn’t really a moment for jokes, not when Kataoka looks like someone died.

As everyone settled down Kataoka remained silent for a few moments, amplifying the heavy air that was already stifling with all the adults present. Then, he spoke and Kazuya doesn’t remember he ever heard his coach sounds like that and he felt his palms sweating even before he understood what is going on.

“I assembled all of you here to discuss about an unfortunate incident. Before I begin… I want you to know that we are here to support you and if you ever feel that you need someone for whatever reasons… please reach out to us. At any time of day..” Kataoka said somberly, and sighed deeply. Kazuya could swear that he saw him shake a little. The coach, shake… what is going on? He thought in his mind and as the over thinker person he was tried to get any information by looking around the room to no avail. He felt his heart racing as if he just finished a 9 inning game. The more Kataoka remained silent the anxious he became and he could see he was not the only one.

Then he heard it for the first time. The words that will remain engraved in his mind for the rest of his life.

“Yesterday…” Kataoka stopped and lowered his head, as if the words he needed to say refused to leave his mouth. “Yesterday, Sawamura… Eijun, took his own life. Unfortunately, we were too late and he’s no longer with us.” He raised his head and looked at the students.

Kazuya stopped breathing since his coach uttered those words. His mouth was hanging open and nothing came out, not a sound, not a breath, nothing. He stared with wide eyes at this person who he wasn’t sure he recognized anymore.

This is a joke. A sick joke. A disgusting, lunatic joke. What is he thinking joking about such a thing?! Kazuya’s thoughts were in chaos and he gripped the fabric of his pants so hard it was the only thing that proved to him that he was awake.

“I know and understand that this news is hard to take.. and I want to remind you again that we are here for you. Please do not hesitate to come to any of us…” Kataoka said and bowed slightly, not sure what else he could say to his students.

Kazuya wanted to scream at him for making such an insensitive joke but stopped as soon as his eyes met Takashima’s and he gasped. Suddenly all the air he denied his body moments ago came crashing right to his lungs and he felt like he couldn’t breathe for different reasons, he felt like he wanted to stop everything. He closed his eyes tight and willed himself to wake up from this nightmare.

The sound that came out of Haruichi brought him back to face this demon in the face. All he could do was stare as he heard the wrecked sobs that came out of Haruichi’s little body. The first years were crying loudly while the rest of the team sobbed and broke apart.

Kazuya wanted to believe this isn’t true, that in a moment or two Eijun will enter this damn dining hall and laugh at their faces. This couldn’t be true, just a few days ago they were sitting together, they talked, they… what did they do? Nothing came to mind and Kazuya felt like his soul left his body. He turned to look at Kuramochi, to ask him if it’s really happening but he didn’t need to ask. He never saw Kuramochi look like that… like he lost all will to live.

He’s not sure what happened to him but he found himself standing abruptly and rushing out of the room as if staying there for a second longer would be the end of him. He kept walking with no destination in mind and only when he arrived at field B he realized he was actually running. He stopped in his tracks when his eyes saw it. Their spot, where he last saw him, where they last spoke.

He dragged his feet and tumbled to the ground and sat with knees to his chest, arms holding tight, trying to wrap his body so the pieces that made him who he is wouldn’t scatter beyond control. He wasn’t really there, his eyes were unfocused and it took everything in him to remember how to breathe. Such a simple task felt so impossible, and as the seconds went by he could barely keep the air in his lungs.

*****

Kazuya wasn’t sure how long he sat there until he felt a presence behind him.

“You’ve been here for hours Miyuki.” Kuramochi said in a whisper, something Kazuya never thought his friend was capable of doing. He heard it, the hoarse voice that left Kuramochi’s mouth, proof that no, this isn’t a nightmare. It’s real. He’s gone.

“Let’s go back, it’s late…”

He couldn’t answer. Go back? Back where? Back how? Kazuya started breathing harshly again as his focus went elsewhere, to a dark place he tried his best to ignore.

“The whole team is- I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t think the first years can handle it.” Kuramochi said with a hint of desperation in his voice.

“DAMN IT KAZUYA! Say something!” Kuramochi sobbed, surprising Kazuya for the second time in less than a few minutes. “You can’t stay here all night! Get up! We-we need to help the team. I can’t do it alone!” He reached his hand to touch Kazuya’s shoulder but Kazuya couldn’t handle touch, not now when all his being was working on keeping him alive by focusing on a single task of providing air. He shrugged his shoulder and tightened his grip on his legs.

Kazuya was waiting for Kuramochi to shake him in rage but it never came. All he heard was a few short breathes and shuffling of feet before he was left alone. Only he wasn’t alone, at least not in his mind… that’s their spot. He can’t be alone, not here.

*****

Some time after midnight he felt a strong grip on his shoulders, lifting him up to his feet. He felt disoriented and stiff from sitting hours on end, but the hands steadied him and never left their hold on his body.

“It’s time to go to bed Miyuki.” Kataoka said gently, as gentle as he could be.

Kazuya wanted to respond but nothing would come out even if he tried, he didn’t want to try he wanted people to leave him be. Leave him bound to this place, to their place.

“Tomorrow your father will come pick you up. We should have let you go today… You boys need time to process. It doesn’t mean you’re alone in this, do you understand me Miyuki?” Kataoka tried to meet Kazuya’s eyes but the letter kept his gaze to the ground.

“The funeral will be held on Friday. I have informed the team that you’re on a break until next Monday. When you come back… you’ll come back stronger, for Eijun as well, do you hear me?”

At the mention of his name, Kazuya snapped his head up, eyes swimming with unshed tears.

“You’re not alone.” Kataoka said before leading Kazuya back to his room. “Tomorrow morning we will assemble in the dining hall before your parents come, it’s important to show your face as the captain.” Kazuya nodded even though he really wanted to hand over his bat and catching mitt and leave before the assembly, captaincy be damned.

He climbed to his bed and curled under the blankets. He could hear it, Okumura tried to be quiet but Kazuya could hear the little sobs. Captain? I can’t console my Kouhai, can’t support my friend, can’t save him-

He closed his eyes shut and forced himself to sleep when a snippet of a conversation he had with Eijun on Friday resurfaced to his mind against his will.

“Miyuki-senpai!”

“I’m not catching for you! Tomorrow we’re going on a break, do you know what that word means Bakamura? Let your body rest, and hell.. let me rest!”

“I know what break means, and don’t call me that Bakayuki! I didn’t come here to ask for your catching services! I already worked with wolf boy.”

“Ohh~ Already replaced me? I’m hurt~”

“Shut up! Will you come already? I-I need to talk to you.”

“Sounds like a hassle…”

“It wouldn’t take long!”

“Hmm… why don’t you go first and I’ll meet you in a few minutes? I need to finish something.”

“You promise? You’ll be there?”

“Yeah, yeah… now be on your way!”

“Alright! See you soon Miyuki-senpai!”

When Kazuya woke up he was only filled with regret, wishing he would’ve gone sooner, wishing they had more time, wishing he would have stayed in that dream forever.

Chapter Text

Kazuya’s cheek felt cold and numb but he didn’t dare to move, he wanted to be as close as he possibly could despite not being able to reach him, to touch.

This coldness was nothing he would ever associate with Eijun. Kazuya was always playful with his touches, leaned on him in the dugout, putting his hand around his shoulder. They never really touched directly but he could still feel Eijun’s warmth despite the fabric that stood in his way. Now he regrets that he’ll never get to experience it again.

He felt a light drizzle and wondered if the sky is crying, mourning the loss of the brightest of people that ever walked on this earth.

It surprised him, the level of emotions he had to deal with this week. Kazuya and Eijun were friends, that much he could admit, but nothing more than that. He had felt that they got closer this year but he knew it was all Eijun. If given the chance, Kazuya would prefer to stay at a comfortable distance from everyone on the team.

He was aware this way of thinking is not the norm, but he had his issues and he didn’t see any reason to modify them when it never really bothered him. Now he’s not sure if he was delusional this whole time and it did bother him, or it was something only Eijun was capable of drawing out of him.

Eijun was a storm of untamed energy. He came blasting through doors and left a mess in his wake, but despite it all, still managed to gather a crowed who willingly wanted to do some storm chasing. He drew people to him and apparently Kazuya wasn’t immune as he thought he was.

The worst of it all, he was sure he had something to do with this. He didn’t want to blame himself but it was impossible. Not counting all the days he riled him up, joked about him, dismissed him… he could say he wasn’t the only one, and Eijun never really seemed to be bothered by it. Maybe he was? Has Kazuya ignored what really lay beneath the surface? Even if Eijun really wasn’t bothered by those moments, one thing was clear. Kazuya was the last person Eijun spoke with before that weekend, before Eijun decided to… leave.

Kazuya tried his best this week to ignore and forget the conversation they had on Friday, and it actually worked that now that he wants to remember it’s all jumbled up in his brain. He must have said something, or maybe Eijun did? Maybe he could have prevented it?

As these questions surfaced one by one he knew that this was the reason for his anger. The possibility that they wouldn’t be here if Kazuya was normal, if he could stop and listen for a second. If he could offer his help. This anger was also at Eijun, he doesn’t mean to be angry at him but he can’t help it. Because if Eijun really knew Kazuya, really saw him as his friend, then he should’ve known not to rely on him for answers, not to expect for comfort or support.

He tried to close his eyes as tears and rain drops combined together. He tried to conjure Eijun’s face in his mind, remember his smile, but all that he saw was his face of that night.

“You’re late…”

“I prefer to say I’m fashionably late~”

Eijun looked at Kazuya with a disappointed face. Usually that was Kazuya’s cue to continue pushing on with his jokes, but when he looked at Eijun he saw the corner of his mouth slightly pointing downwards and realized that he really was not happy about his tardiness.

“Sorry, sorry…I wanted to check on some things before our game next week. We’re going to need ace-sama on his A game that’s for sure. Luckily it’s not summer, you know how he gets when it’s hot.”

“Yeah…”

“So… what’s up?”

Eijun turned his head towards the field and sighed. “Nothing much.. I wanted to talk. We haven’t had the chance lately.. you’re busy with Furuya all the time and I don’t feel like imposing when you look so tired after practice…”

“You know how important the games we have ahead, I need to make sure everything is ready if we want to win. I thought that you and Furuya get along now, don’t tell me you’re still jealous.”

Eijun momently widened his eyes but then schooled his face into a blank stare. “That’s not what I’m saying… never mind. What do you think our chances are against the school we’re facing next week?”

“Pretty good I would say, as long as we won’t try to hastily finish the game and make sure we stick to the plan we should be fine.” Kazuya answered, he was pretty confident that they could pull it off all the way to the end.

Eijun only responded with a small smile. It threw Kazuya off, small wasn’t something Eijun ever did.

“Think I would be able to play?” He then asked hesitantly.

“Well, Furuya’s in pretty good shape… Coach Kataoka might want to keep him in game now that the weather actually allows it. It all depends on how it goes.”

“Would… would you want me to play?”

Kazuya didn’t understand what Eijun is really asking here. What Kazuya wanted wasn’t relevant and Eijun should know that. He figured Eijun was looking for something else, not sure what that is, he tried to answer truthfully.

“I mean as long as we win it doesn’t matter who plays on the field right? If you get your chance I’ll make sure you shine don’t worry.” Feeling satisfied with his answer he smirked at Eijun.

Eijun only gazed at him, seemingly lost in his thoughts for a moment before he opened his mouth and spoke softly. “Right.. thanks, Miyuki.”

Suddenly, feeling a headache, Kazuya was pulled out of his foggy memories. He regretted that he even tried to remember that night and refused to continue to fish information from the rest of the conversation they had. That face Eijun did, why must that be the thing that hunts his mind? Why couldn’t it have been his stupidly wide smile or the goofy cat eyes he has when feeling frustrated. Anything but that face would have been better.

If only, if only he could go back and force Eijun to tell him everything.

He felt warmth across his face and realized that the rain had stopped, and the sun finally made its appearance. The glare wasn’t so bad as he remembered, and he looked straight at the sun despite his sensitive eyes.

If only I could see him again. I wish I had the chance, I wish I could see him.

He felt the anguish within him grow stronger and decided that he needed to leave. He couldn’t stay here anymore, this is where he says goodbye. Otherwise, he’s not sure he’ll be able to continue with his life. He must say goodbye.

As Kazuya rose to his feet, fingers slightly caressing the cold surface of Eijun’s grave, he felt a sharp pain in his heart and he stumbled backwards from the tightness in his chest. He clutched at his shirt and tried to breathe slowly but the pain was too strong. Is this what it feels like to die? He thought as he felt dizziness consume his vision.

After a few moments of battling against his body, he fell completely flat on the ground as the sun gazed upon him. Although his body was in agonizing pain he felt surprisingly in peace, feeling that if he would just close his eyes for a few seconds all will be well. He succumbed to the heavy weight of his eyelids and closed his eyes.

He could hear the pulse of his heart beating faster and faster but his body became lighter, all the worry of these past few days were nothing but a dream.

Then, his heart started to beat steadily, strong and he felt like he could use this moment to breathe. He chanced a few inhales and exhales as he felt the sensation return to his limbs.

He opened his eyes and was momentarily blinded. He thought it was the sun until the view came to focus and he realized that it was the sun, but this sun had a body, a shape, golden eyes.

With wide eyes the only thing that he could do was whisper his name.

“Eijun…”

Chapter Text

There are not many moments in Kazuya’s life that he could consider monumental, and those that were, are ones he always hated the most. He didn’t believe in anything but practicality and facts. The notion of miracles made him roll his eyes physically and mentally.

Yet, this moment, no urban legend or folklore could explain.

There he was, 18.44 meters away from Kazuya, 18.44 meters too far.

Kazuya blinked his eyes in disbelief, thinking that maybe he actually did die after all.

Am I dreaming? He thought to himself, but the heat of the late August sun on his back and the pain in his thighs gave him a rude awakening.

Eijun was frantically looking around before his gaze landed on him and all Kazuya saw is fear. Kazuya looked around as well and noticed the players on the field and in the dugout. They were in Seidou’s grounds that much he could tell, however, no third years or first years were present. On the opponent side were.. Yakushi? This is… it can’t be-

He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned around to see the umpire’s concern gaze. “Are you okay?”

“Y-yes.” Kazuya said, surprised by his own voice. He looked back at Eijun with glossy eyes and unconsciously signed for an outside pitch.

Eijun frowned and shook his head to Kazuya’s surprise. What? You want… he signed for an inside pitch and Eijun nodded.

Please.. is all that went through his mind. As Eijun went through the motion, Kazuya saw the wild pitch going in a different direction and his heart dropped. He stared at the ball in horror before hearing Kuramochi’s voice. “Miyuki! What are you doing?  Pick up the ball!”

Kazuya was late to jump to his feet and the runner already managed to reach the third base. All he could do was stand on the plate, not daring to even look at Eijun’s direction.

Before Kazuya could grasp the situation coach Kataoka called for a timeout. Probably wondering what is wrong, but even if he were to ask Kazuya he wouldn’t know what to say.

As he made his way towards the dugout he couldn’t help but stare at the back of Eijun who was walking with determination towards Kataoka. He wanted to reach out and hear his voice but his tongue betrayed him and he didn’t dare to make a sound. Helplessly listening to Eijun’s foreign tone.

“I would like to step off the mound.” Eijun declared with an eerie calmness.

“Sawamura. What do you mean by that? You only just stepped out there.” Kataoka said with a stern voice.

“I can’t pitch to the inside, I can’t continue to play like this. Isn’t it right, Miyuki?”

Kazuya was startled by the way his name sounded on Eijun’s tongue, almost as if it was a curse. He looked at him in a daze and wondered is it you?

“Miyuki?” Kataoka asked and Kazuya wanted to argue for a moment, feeling overwhelmed and confused by everything that managed to occur in the last few minutes. Is this what I think it is? What am I even doing here? What the hell is going on? How is Eijun still-

“You know what I have don’t you? Say it!” Eijun demanded with a hateful tone, one that made everyone in the dugout to turn their heads. They all stared at Eijun with gaped mouths at his little outburst. Not Kazuya. He knew at that moment that whatever happened to him to be brought back in time, apparently also happened to Eijun. Then he gasped lightly as he realized what Eijun is asking. He knew exactly why he’s reacting this way.

“Yes…” He said, almost testing the word out. Afraid to utter what comes next.

“Well?” Kataoka seemed to be out of patience.

“Yips…. He has the yips. He can’t throw to the inside..”

The silence that followed was enough to cut through the air. Kazuya regretted saying anything as soon as the words left his mouth. He wanted to ask Eijun to try, if it were his Eijun then maybe it wouldn’t turn out the way it did before, maybe he can try the outside corner? He was thinking of ways to convince Eijun but was too late.

“May I excuse myself now?”

Kataoka studied Eijun’s face for a second before he made his decision.

“Furuya! Switch to the mound! Asou, go to the left field.”

“Sawamura-“ In a state of panic Kazuya reached his hand to hold Eijun’s wrist but the letter pulled it forcefully and stared at him momentarily before he turned and went to sit in the back of the dugout.

Kazuya had no choice but to go back out there. He felt dizzy, everything was too much, only a few minutes ago he was mourning the loss of Eijun yet here they were. No explanation, no guidance, how is he suppose to react or play in this state?

“Don’t beat yourself too hard, I’m sure Bakamura will be fine.” Kuramochi slapped his back as they made their way into the field.

If only you knew… he thought. That’s exactly what he said last time when Eijun had the yips and he was wrong. Now the situation is even worse.

Feeling completely drained he tried his hardest to put effort in this practice match but he knew it wasn’t his finest of plays. He was too distraught to perform as usual, and he didn’t even care about the game. Who would’ve thought the day would come when baseball is the lowest of his priorities.

***** 

They didn’t win, just like last time. Kazuya wanted to say it felt less bitter but it wasn’t. This loss marked something bigger than he could name. He didn’t want to let it deter him from what he actually needed to do, and as soon as they congratulated Yakushi he went to find him. They needed to talk.

Unfortunately, someone got to Eijun first, the coaches took him to the office and Kazuya knew that they would discuss his condition. Last time he was present in that conversation but this time they didn’t call him. He wondered if Eijun asked to do this alone.

*****

Kazuya paced outside of the coaches’ office impatiently. He didn’t know how to confront Eijun but he knew he should anyways. He needed to confirm even though the events that happened earlier in the dugout probably meant exactly what he thought. Even so, he needed to speak to him about other things, things that were left open before everything that happened. He has too many questions left unanswered. It’s time to get out of his comfort zone and be a senpai, one he couldn’t be before.

Just as he was drowning in his thoughts Eijun stepped out of the office. When Kazuya looked at him it was like getting hit by a truck, the realization taking root in him all over again. Eijun is here. He’s alive.

He opened his mouth to speak but Eijun raised his hand to stop him.

“Not now. Not today. I can’t.” He gave a stern look towards him and Kazuya’s speculation was finally confirmed. Yet, instead of happiness he felt hollow, even now you deny me of answers.

Despite his raging urge to insist they do this now, he decided to step down with the thought that maybe it would be good for him as well. To process everything before running straight into the lion’s den.

“Okay.” He said, and as Eijun walked past him added “Tomorrow.” Eijun only stopped for a second before continuing walking without responding to Kazuya.

*****

The next day Kazuya went to school feeling restless. He knew he had to speak to Eijun but he wasn’t sure what to even say. How much does Eijun remember? Does he know what he did? Is it the Eijun from before what happened on Sunday? So many questions clouded his mind, he didn’t even notice he was standing near Eijun’s shoebox by the entrance.

A second later Eijun appeared and looked at Kazuya with dull eyes. It was only one moment between them but Kazuya knew. Eijun remembers. He could never explain how they could do it, but he and Eijun sometimes had the ability to communicate through nothing but a gaze. A thousand words left unsaid but delivered anyways. It didn’t always happen but when it did it always left him astonished. After all, Kazuya was never one to be in tune with his feelings, yet at moments like these, it seemed like Eijun did it for the both of them and delivered it in a wrapped box straight into Kazuya’s hands.

He wanted to say something but Eijun abruptly turned and went in a direction that he knew wasn’t where Eijun’s class is.

He couldn’t even entertain the thought of going to class. He had to speak to him, to make sure he’s actually here, and make sure that it stays that way.

Kazuya followed him one step behind, not knowing where Eijun is headed to but it was not relevant anyways. He needed to think, what should he say to him? The last time they actually spoke was Friday of last week- well, at least in their timeline… what day is it today anyways?

He was pulled out of his thoughts when he saw that Eijun stopped walking and took notice of where they were. The rooftop? He wanted to ask Eijun why they’re here but the moment Eijun turned and locked eyes with him he suddenly felt frozen. What should I say? What should I do? He couldn’t articulate anything at the moment and he felt cold sweat under the pressure. It didn’t last long because Eijun spoke first.

“What… what is going on Miyuki?” He asked him in a small voice.

Kazuya took a steady breath and tried to explain the best he could, of the events that happened the day before.

“To be honest… I’m not sure. Everything happened so fast I thought I was imagining it. One moment I was visiting you at- well, visiting you… next thing I wished that I could see you again and then you were there- we were back. It’s crazy…”

“What did you say? You wished for.. what?”

“I- I wished to have another chance to-“

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Eijun seethed with a kind of rage that Kazuya never saw from the boy before. He flinched back from the shock and tried to diffuse the tension.

“Sawamura calm down…”

“You’re the most selfish egoistic person I’ve ever met Miyuki Kazuya! I can’t believe you would do this to me.”

Suddenly, Kazuya felt defensive. He couldn’t understand what made Eijun so angry and he was thrown off by his reaction. He wanted to calm him but he couldn’t control what came out of his mouth even if he tried.

“I didn’t know it was going to happen, alright?! And if we’re talking about selfish, then you’re at the top right next to me!” Kazuya marched towards him and grabbed him by his collar in a fit of anger as memories of the last week came to the front of his mind. “Why the hell would you do that? Why?! Why would you leave me with this?!” He was screaming at this point, but Eijun didn’t flinch, the emotions in his eyes turned from rage to repulsion in mere seconds.

“Not everything is about you! Have you thought about that?!”

“Yeah right! Stop lying!”

Eijun closed his eyes and took a breath before saying in an even tone as he slapped Kazuya’s hand from where it held his shirt. “I’m done with you, move out of the way.”

“NO!”

“Miyuki Kazuya! I swear if you don’t move out of my way I would jump from this building right now!”

“If I move now, there’s not knowing what you’ll do. I’m not moving.”

Eijun glared at Kazuya one moment before he swiftly ran towards the railing of the rooftop and jumped to the other side, hanging at the edge.

“NO!” Kazuya screamed in panic as he was frozen where he stood.

“I told you to move.”

Now Eijun wasn’t even looking at him, he stared towards the ground with a calm face and Kazuya was sure he would actually do it. Right here, right now, he’s going to lose him… again.

“Eijun… Eijun, don’t do this to me. Not-not again. Please…” He begged with desperation in his voice, but Eijun wasn’t showing any signs that he was listening.

“EIJUN!”

“I’ll move back if you let me go.”

Let you go? Kazuya thought, I can’t, I just can’t… He tried to think of what to say and cursed himself for feeling so useless. Realizing that the moment is slipping away and he has no control over the situation.

“I can’t even look at you right now! do you understand me Miyuki? I don’t want to speak to you!”

“Please… we don’t have to talk. Let’s just sit and rest, I will let you go but not now, let’s calm down first….You’re right, I am selfish, I can’t handle this again Eijun. Don’t do this to me.” He tried to reason with him.

“You can’t handle?! How do you expect me to go through with it again? You know! You know how much I suffered during this time yet you brought me back to this point? To the time I had the yips?! It takes a special kind of evil to do such a thing!”

“Jesus Eijun! I would NEVER do that to you! I didn’t know! I-I only wished that I could see you again. I had no idea that we would be back to this time, I didn’t even think it would work! I-I was lost, I didn’t know what to do!” Kazuya desperately tried to explain but he didn’t even know how to explain such a ridiculous situation. He had no clue how to calm Eijun or himself and he felt helpless more than ever. He chanced a step towards Eijun and only after he saw that Eijun wasn’t even looking at him he sprinted the rest of the distance and locked his hand around Eijun’s arm.

Eijun, startled from the contact, tried to wiggle his way out of Kazuya’s iron grip but stopped when he realized there’s no escaping the catcher’s hand.

“Please. Get inside… let’s sit. I won’t say a word, I swear…”

Eijun looked at him with distrust before his shoulders slumped in defeat.

“Fine… Let go of my arm I can’t move like this.”

Kazuya hesitated at that and didn’t move at first but Eijun started to get angry so he took the chance of Eijun keeping his word and let go of him.

Once Eijun climbed back in, Kazuya held on to his shirt subconsciously, as if his body demanded of him to keep contact with the boy. Eijun looked at the spot where Kazuya’s hand clenched his shirt and sighed deeply, he seemed disturbed by the contact but Kazuya didn’t care, he got his chance and he will do whatever he needs to do to make things right. He was willing to be the villain again, only a smart one this time.

They both sat down and didn’t utter a word for what felt like hours. Kazuya wasn’t sure what to do. He promised he won’t say anything but he didn’t plan this far out, which is completely out of character but so is Eijun. He tried to remember how they interacted during this period in their original timeline but he couldn’t really recall anything at the moment, what with his emotions all over the place. However, he did remember that Eijun generally wasn’t an angry or a quiet person before, so he wasn’t sure how to handle his current mood swings. Usually he would joke around and rile him up, but now it wasn’t the time for jokes. One joke out of his mouth might send Eijun back to the edge of this rooftop, so he shut his mouth tightly and decided to do good on his promise and say nothing.

*****

After sitting in silence for hours, missing all of their classes, they decided to go get ready for practice, not before Eijun stated that he needed time and requested that Kazuya won’t speak to him.

Kazuya wanted to be understanding towards Eijun and give him the time and space he needed, but he also remembered what happened last time when he let Eijun deal with the yips alone. How could he possibly stand on the sidelines knowing that this time Eijun is more vulnerable than ever. He contemplated whether he should speak to Chris again and let him guide Eijun as he did before. However, in doing so, Kazuya will remain as the coward he was and nothing would change. Maybe it will change for the worst even. More than anything, it’s his fault they’re even in this situation, yet, he’s going to let someone else pick up this mess?

Kazuya also had a knowledge about Eijun’s pitching that he couldn’t share with Chris. They worked together on their ‘Numbers’ and he knew that while Eijun’s body didn’t caught up with him, if they could work on them again he will have a weapon like no other has. They could do it again, earlier, and get Eijun to practice everything now so he could show his talent during the fall tournament.

The problem was how to bridge the gap between them. They never really fought before, except their small scuffle back when Eijun disrespected Chris in front of him, and he wouldn’t call it a fight really. He was being unreasonable with his reaction and at the end Eijun didn’t hold anything against him. What happened at the rooftop today was extreme in his book. It’s not that Kazuya never fought before, but he always did it with snarky remarks and being a smartass. He never screamed or begged. Eijun on the other hand always screamed in his past, but not like that… not like he hated Kazuya. That was an awful feeling he didn’t want a repeat of.

A realization dawned on him. When he first understood that they came back in time he was relieved despite the craziness of it all. Because it meant that Eijun was here. His Eijun. They could do this together, and he wasn’t alone in this ordeal. He didn’t took into consideration the fact that Eijun didn’t want to be here or be near Kazuya. Now that it’s in his face he has no choice but to admit that whatever awaits them isn’t going to be all easy and happy.

Momentarily, he wanted to wish that he never made that stupid wish in the first place. Then, he wanted to pull his hair because wishing for such a thing meant losing him. Meant colorless life, cold grave and deafening silence.

He shook his head and took a deep breath. Yes, this going to be difficult… but it’s Eijun. He’s worth it.

*****

In the evening Kazuya decided to take a stroll along field B, purposely avoiding a certain spot, knowing he would be there.

Surely enough, he could see Eijun doing his routinely laps around the field. He couldn’t assess what kind of expression Eijun had from where he was standing, atop the stairs, but he could visualize it in his head and he felt immense regret but also determination.

Kazuya decided that tonight he would watch from afar. Tomorrow, he would approach him and do what he must.

Yes, he was willing. If he wanted to change things, if he wanted Eijun back, he would do anything. Even if he must become the villain.

Chapter Text

“Kuramochi, where is Sawamura?”

“What?”

“Pitcher, loud mouth, your roommate? Where is he? I need to speak with him.”

“Miyuki what are you saying? He’s gone…”

“Stop joking around Mochi…”

“You think this is a joke?! He’s gone! Dead! And it’s all because of you!”

Kazuya jolted from his sleep, gasping for air, feeling lost in a sea of terror. The dark room closed on him and he hurriedly got out of bed and ran into the chilly night. He sprinted all the way to the fields and didn’t stop even when he felt his lungs constricted in pain.

He tried to make sense of his surroundings but without his glasses he was at the mercy of the line between illusion and reality. The sound of legs hitting the ground in a rhythmic pattern brought him to his senses. He narrowed his eyes and saw a dark figure running in the distance.

He’s here. He’s here. He told himself as he drew air shakily, feeling his eyes burn from the pain of effort and unshed tears.

He crouched and tried to give his heart a moment to catch up with his brain. He knew he was awake but his body felt tense as if he was batteling demons. Blinking rapidly Kazuya attempted to erase the nightmare he just had, the face that Kuramochi was making, the words he said. He didn’t want this. He thought the days of hunted dream were over after he moved on from his mother’s death, but now he felt like he’s ten years old all over again.

Everything that happened ever since that horrible Monday was too much for him to carry. Just yesterday he said he would do anything, but now the weight of what awaits scared him and he wanted to stop this. Stop whatever it is the universe had in store for him. They should have brought Kuramochi or Haruichi, hell they should have brought Chris! Why was he chosen? What is he supposed to do when he couldn’t even handle himself.

“Miyuki?”

He snapped his head up and saw Eijun’s concerned face, a complete contrast to yesterday’s expression. He’s here. He took another breath, barely keeping himself together, and stood up.

“Hey…” he whispered.

“What happened to you? You’re bleeding…” Eijun said while staring at the ground.

Kazuya followed his line of sight and saw that his feet were littered with cuts and bruises. In his state of panic he ran here barefoot, he didn’t even feel the pain until now.

“I-I…” Kazuya’s lower lip trembled. He hated this feelings and all he could do was stare at Eijun’s golden eyes that seemed to search his own.

Eijun sighed and spoke softly. “Just… let’s treat this before it gets infected.”

Kazuya nodded, not trusting his voice, and followed Eijun.

They walked towards the dorms quietly. Kazuya glanced at him a few times and he appeared to be in deep thoughts. I’m supposed to look out for you, not the other way around. He clenched his hands but refrained from saying anything, the nightmare was still present in his mind and he was afraid that maybe he was in another dream. Afraid that he might wake up for real this time and he wouldn’t be here.

Eijun told him to wait on the bench near the vending machines as he went to fetch an aid kit. When he came back Kazuya could see the deep frown he had. Even though Kazuya managed to upset him again, he was still happy to be in Eijun’s vicinity. He wanted to find a chance to approach him but that chance found him.

For a while they didn’t say anything, as Eijun disinfected his wounds and bandaged what he could.

Kazuya thought about last year, during this time if someone would describe Eijun as mature and reserved he would laugh at their faces, yet here he was with the weight of something Kazuya couldn’t comprehend seemed to be on his shoulders. So much had changed in a matter of few days, and it will keep changing. This story, Kazuya didn’t read, didn’t have any predictions of the outcome.

“It’s actually happening isn’t it? We’re back in time?” Eijun asked when he finished his task.

“I-I guess so… I don’t have any other explanation to this.”

Eijun nodded his head in understanding before he stood up and stepped back from Kazuya. “You should go to bed.. get some more sleep.”

He turned around to leave but Kazuya felt like he needed to say something. “Sawamura!”

Eijun looked over his shoulder. Now what? Did Kazuya lose some brain cells when they traveled back? Why can’t he think ahead?

Apparently, just to prove him right, his mouth moved before he could stop it. “Sweet dreams.”

Eijun’s face immediately morphed into that of disgust, as if he ate something sour. He didn’t even bother to answer and just left him to sit with a dumbfounded face.

Sweet dreams?! Fucking great! He smacked his hands on his heated face, and berated himself for saying the most idiotic thing when he had thousand of other options. He just fucked up a golden chance, now he was sure that Eijun will avoid him like the plague.

Amidst all the embarrassment, he noticed that the tension he had before had subsided and he could breathe a little easier. Was it him being a moron or Eijun’s touch? He couldn’t tell at the moment but he was sure that he was going to find out soon. After all, he did plan to confront him again tomorrow, and Kazuya already has shown his lame side so it can’t be worse than that.

He decided to go back to his room and try to catch on some sleep before tomorrow, god knows he needs it.

As he laid down he thought of ways to tackle Eijun’s problem. Last time he had the yips they had him working on a different menu apart from everyone and he remembers how devastated Eijun was. If he could help it, he preferred to avoid that. Which means they would need to start working on the outside pitch so they will have something to show coach Kataoka he can still play. Maybe he still has the yips, but it doesn’t mean Eijun doesn’t remember the principle and theory behind the grips or his pitching form. Just a little push, he knew Eijun could do it.

With that goal in mind, he found sleeping to be much easier and just before he closed his eyes he prayed that it would be a dreamless night.

*****

“Are you sick?” Kuramochi asked and all Kazuya did was raise his brow in question.

“Injured?”

“Huh?”

“What is wrong with you?”

“You want a list?”

“You know what I’m talking about!”

“Please enlighten me.”

“YOU- Damn it! First, you zone out completely during a game and even let the ball get past behind you! Then, yesterday you missed a whole day of school! And you’re calling me a delinquent? Now, you sit here with- with that face!”

“Oh~ You think I’m pretty?”

“Yes, pretty… pretty annoying! Seriously Miyuki what is up with you?”

“Nothing, the heat got to me during the game don’t think too hard about it.”

“Okay then, where were you yesterday?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?~”

“I WOULD YOU BASTARD!”

“Well, too bad! By the way…”

“WHAT?!”

“Kamon-sensei looks at you like she’s seconds from committing murder~”

“Shit!” Kuramochi abruptly turned around and paled when he saw the teacher’s face.

“Kuramochi-kun, please see me after class.”

“Yes… ma’am.”

Great. If Kazuya thought that dealing with Eijun is the only problem he has he was absolutely wrong. He forgot that so many things that already happened were wiped completely in this timeline. Discussions, arguments, bonding, everything’s gone. It’s not so much of an issue but now he would have to do it all over again on top of making sure he won’t be the same jerk towards Eijun as he was the last time. It’s not easy to fake who you are and even harder to stop faking.

That’s what Kazuya’s been doing, putting on a mask and keeping everyone at arm’s length. The only person who called him on his bullshit on the daily was Kuramochi, which didn’t change…unfortunately. Then, there was the only person who wiggled himself into his walls, Eijun. Only now, Eijun didn’t seem to care or want to cross the borders. Which is both a blessing and a curse.

Kazuya stared at Kuramochi’s back. He remembered their last interaction in his timeline and he wondered what would Kuramochi made of all of this, how would he handle the situation. He knew his friend was heartbroken when they lost Eijun, he was like a little brother to him. Kazuya felt somehow guilty that he was the only one to get to see Eijun again. That’s all the more reason why he must work hard, even though the other party looks at him like he’s the devil incarnated.

He thought about yesterday night. Eijun did show concern despite being mad at him so maybe he still had a chance. Although, it is Eijun… he cares about everyone.

He sighed deeply and leaned his cheek on his palm, not missing the glare Kuramochi was sending him. He winked just to get back at him for ruining his night, even though it wasn’t this Kuramochi who did it, and it worked. He could almost see steams coming out of his ears. I could still be a jerk from time to time just for fun.

*****

When afternoon practice begun Kazuya couldn’t find Eijun. He wanted to talk to him about practicing the outside pitch and tell him that he thought they should try the ‘Numbers’ as well. Maybe something will click along the way?

As he was about the go look around he heard Kataoka calls his name.

“Yes, sir?”

“I wanted to let you know that Sawamura will be on a different menu from the rest of the team.”

“Wait, coach. I think that we should do something else.”

Kataoka gestured him to continue.

“If he can’t throw to the inside we can teach him how to throw to the outside. Once he will learn that, his inside pitches would become even greater.”

“I see you already spoke to Sawamura.”

“What?”

“He said he started learning how to pitch to the outside.. were you not aware?”

Kazuya frowned at the discovery for a second before he continued. “Well then why set him on a different menu?”

“He asked for that.”

What? Eijun did? Now Kazuya’s expression was that of a mixed surprise and anger. Why would he do that?

“I’m sure you can discuss it with him after practice if you want. For now I want everyone on fielding drills.”

“Yes, sir.”

To say Kazuya was confused would be an understatement. Maybe Eijun doesn’t want to talk to him, but he can’t think of any reason he wouldn’t want to play baseball. The fact that he seem to be working on his outside pitch should put Kazuya’s mind at ease but he knew it’s not as simple as it sounds and that by taking a different menu, Eijun is basically voluntarily isolating himself from them rest of the team and potentially ruining his chances at getting to pitch in game.

Even when Kazuya was a third year and Eijun didn’t get  the ace number, he was still determined to play and appealed to the coaches every single minute of the day. While he did seem jealous or frustrated at times, his optimism never ceased from lighting his and everyone’s fire.

While Kazuya understood that Eijun has changed, he assumed that the source was his anger about their current predicament with the whole time travel and that’s that. Could it be that Eijun also changed his feelings about baseball? After all, Kazuya is still not sure about the reasons that Eijun had decided to… to leave.

Kazuya decides to file all these questions for later. While he has resolved to push and confront Eijun, it wouldn’t do any good for anyone if he fails at his duties as a captain and a catcher. Besides, he loved baseball, and he wanted to see Eijun on the mound again, which means he would have to work just as hard or else there’s no point to all of this.

“You seem to be elsewhere lately Miyuki.”

Kazuya turned towards the voice. “Nabe…”

“Did something happened?”

“No… what makes you think that?”

“Apart from you being unusually cryptic? It’s really quiet here don’t you think?”

Kazuya looked around. Everyone was working on their own thing. “I guess?”

“Isn’t it because something is missing? Or… someone?”

Oh. That’s Nabe for you. He thought. First he forgot about how Kuramochi was perceptive, and now he forgot about Watanabe as well? Of course he would notice it first.

Deciding to evade the question he said. “I should round everyone up… Coach Kataoka wants us to practice fielding.”

“If you say so.” Watanabe said with an unimpressed look.

He started announcing to everyone they should practice fielding, not missing Watanabe’s watchful eyes.

*****

When evening came and Kazuya realized he hasn’t seen Eijun all day he went looking for him. Luckily for Kazuya the search didn’t last long as he heard a noise from the indoor practice facility.

When he reached the door he saw Eijun pitching to a safety net, dozens of balls all around him. It seemed like he was working for hours by the sweat that accumulated on his back.

He got closer slowly, not wanting to scare him off or making him run away, he really wasn’t up for a chase at this hour. “Sawamura.”

Eijun who was in the middle of a windup stopped and turned towards him. “Yes?”

“I heard from the coach that you started working on the outside pitch? Who are you working with?”

Eijun blinked a few times and then turned towards the net and started his windup again while saying “Who else? Kariba of course. He knows me best so it’s easy for him to spot what needs to be corrected.”

Kazuya knew he didn’t have the right to feel hurt by that but it still stung. For Eijun to claim that another catcher knows him best means that he trusts Kariba more. He won’t even try to read between the lines, it’s painful enough as it is.

“Okay… I still want to see it for myself. I also thought… you might want to try the ‘Numbers’. Maybe going through all the grips will do something to your body and help it remember how to work.”

“Not now. I prefer to focus on this. You don’t need to worry Miyuki-senpai.”

Telling him not to worry was like asking him to stop breathing, at this point he almost sure it became a second nature. He didn’t want to push on the matter but still needed to clarify something else. “Why did you ask the coach to be on a different menu?”

“Because it was the right decision. I need time to let my body work on the basics and I can’t do that with the rest of the team. As I said, you don’t need to worry, I won’t hinder you guys more than I already have.”

“I never thought that you were hindering anybody…” Kazuya got a taste for the first time of what it feels like to be on the other side of an invisible wall. He never needed to get Eijun to open up because Eijun was doing all the work for both of them. He wanted to try extending his hand just like Eijun did many times before. “Do you want me to catch a few pitches now? I’m pretty much done for the day.”

“I think I’ll keep working with the net.”

Kazuya sighed in defeat. “Alright… you know where the find me if you change your mind.”

“Sure.”

So much for helping him. He turned to leave but not before taking another look at Kazuya’s form. One thing he was sure of, Eijun has changed but if the way he looks now is any indication he’s sure that Eijun still loves baseball. As long as he knows that he hasn’t given up yet, he could work with that.

*****

A few days went by and Kazuya felt like he had no progress when it came to Eijun. Eijun had insisted on either practicing alone or with Kariba, no matter how many times Kazuya has approached him. Kuramochi had laughed at him for groveling and he wanted to punch him just so someone else would share his pain and headache.

To make matters worse, it didn’t seem like Eijun was getting used to the outside pitch at all which was odd. Eijun always had an innate ability to absorb information quickly through physical activities. Last time it happened rather quickly, and now Eijun had much more knowledge, yet his control was all over the place. It frustrated Kazuya that he couldn’t even check his condition because Eijun has been giving him the cold shoulder and he wasn’t about to piss him off more than he already was. He needed to do it smart.

Which is why when Kataoka had announced they’ll be having a practice match against an unknown school from the west region Kazuya knew this was the opportunity to check up on Eijun’s condition and maybe push a little. The fall tournament was only about one week away, and he has to make sure that Eijun is somewhat ready.

They all gather in field A for the match to start and Kazuya had already did what he planned to do earlier that morning, now the issue was how Eijun is going to react. He didn’t look forward to that but a necessary evil is still necessary, so good luck to him.

The game had started as anticipated, with Furuya decimating the other team with his power pitches. Poor souls regretted they ever agreed to play against Seidou. They were already up by 5 in the 4th inning and he knew that it was now or never.

Kazuya sat next to Eijun on the bench, leg jumping with nervousness he couldn’t control. “Hey.”

Eijun looked at him in question.

“So… I asked the coach to put you in for a few innings.”

Eijun had a shocked expression on his face that was somewhat mixed with horror. “You what?! Why?”

“Why not?”

“Maybe because I’m not ready?! I can’t pitch to the inside yet and my outside pitch doesn’t have a good control.”

“Which is why I think you should play. You can’t pitch to the net forever, there’s only so much you can gain by doing that. Besides, it’s just a practice match, it’s no big deal.”

“No big deal… what happened to “as long as we win”?”

“Huh?”

Eijun grimaced “Never mind. You’re next to bat.” He said and walked towards the bullpen to warm up.

Kazuya stood there for a moment, watching Eijun’s receding back and thought that maybe it wasn’t the best idea to ask the coach to put Eijun in. This going to be tough.

*****

In the 6th inning Eijun was called up to the mound. Everyone was trying to lift up the energy that was missing since the beginning of this game. Eijun wasn’t his usual self and the rest could tell.

“Eijun-kun! We’ve got your back! Don’t forget to pitch to contact!” Haruichi tried to encourage Eijun but he only nodded stiffly in response.

“Hyahaha don’t tell me you’re scared?!”

“Let’s get this over with.” Eijun said quietly with his head down.

The rest of the team sent a concerned look towards Kazuya, as if he would magically make this situation any better. He tried anyways.

“Just do what you always do and focus on each batter. Trust my mitt and throw your best pitches.” Somehow at the word trust Eijun snapped his head up and frowned at him. It took all the effort he could muster not to shy away from his glare. “Let’s go.”

*****

The game was a disaster.

At first, the batters seemed to be fazed by Eijun’s pitching form and didn’t get a lot of hits out of his outside pitch, but it didn’t last long. They soon started to get used to his form, and the lack of control only added to their success.

Kazuya saw the frustration in Eijun’s expression. He knew that Eijun wasn’t satisfied by this performance and he wanted to help him but there wasn’t a lot that he could do without them having other choices to choose from. The frustration from the mound managed to crawl its way to the plate and as the cleanup came to bat he felt the haste growing within him. He wanted this to be over. If this continued, there’s not knowing what it would do to Eijun’s already low self confidence.

He knew he had no choice but to ask for that pitch.

Eijun widen his eyes for a moment, shook his head and called for a timeout. As everyone on the field were about to gather around the mound, Eijun signaled them to stay put. Kazuya knew at that moment that he fucked up but now is not the time for arguments, he did want to do whatever it takes to help Eijun but he also wanted to respect the game. Baseball might not have been his highest priority at the moment but it doesn’t mean he’s not giving it his best and as the captain he has responsibilities. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself so at least one of them remains rational.

“What is wrong?” Kazuya asked.

“What are you doing?”

“Trying to get this batter out…”

“By forcing me to do something we both know I can’t?”

“We won’t get this batter out with only outside pitches. Also, we won’t know unless you try. Last time you suddenly pitched to the inside out of nowhere when we played against Nanamori. We should try it until it works.”

“Miyuki-senpai, it’s not like last time. Don’t push me into something I can’t do.”

“I think-“

“It doesn’t matter what you think! I thought this is a battery, not that I’m your pitching machine. I’m telling you I can’t, so either you sign for something else or pull me off this mound.”

“Fine.” Kazuya said in exasperation and returned to the plate.

He asked for an outside pitch. Eijun went through the windup and as he let go of the ball Kazuya already knew it was a meatball. He could only bow his head, unwilling to see what he knew was going to happen. As he heard that loud clanging sound he knew that he failed him again. Forced him to come onto this field only for this.

When he heard Kataoka ask for a switch he dared to look up only to see Eijun’s disappointed face aimed at him, but for some reason Kazuya had the feeling that the disappointment wasn’t due to the switch.

Just like that, he unintentionally created another wall between them.

Chapter Text

Patience is a strange thing. You want to give it but you lose it within yourself in the process. You go blindly after it, hoping it will bear the right fruit. It’s nature’s strength without it even being visible.

Kazuya was a patient person, on the field. He believed he was one off the field as well but this week he discovered that he’s been so so wrong. Or if he had it at least, a certain southpaw pitcher was testing its capabilities.

He was leaning outside the school walls, waiting patiently. He rolled his eyes. Then, the subject of his latest headaches appeared.

“Good afternoon~”

“WHA-“ Eijun jumped in surprise “ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK?! What are you doing here?!”

“Obviously I’m here to speak with you.”

“So you decided to ambush me?”

“Well, you’re not leaving me a lot of choices now, are you?”

“Whatever. What do you want?”

“To see you in the bullpen today, and before you think about arguing, remember that I’m your captain. So you will come to the bullpen and show me your pitches, end of story.”

Eijun scoffed. “I heard you. Is that all?”

“Yes that’s all.”

“Well then don’t mind me, you can go first.”

“Nah you know what? I’ll go with you to make sure.”

“You-“ Eijun gave him his signature cat eye look, and Kazuya would have laughed if he wasn’t already annoyed. “Suit yourself!”

The next day when Kazuya waited outside the school only to find out that Eijun had already sneaked past him, he knew that he needed a new plan. We’re living in the same dorms, he can’t hide forever.

*****

“What are you doing?” Eijun asked slowly with a raised brow.

“Eating dinner?” Kazuya deflected the actual question Eijun is really asking with one of his own.

“I can see that. I’m asking why are you doing it here?”

“I wasn’t aware that I’m not allowed to sit here.”

“Cut the crap Miyuki. What are you doing?” Eijun visibly got tense like a rubber band.

“Eating dinner.”

“Funny. Is that how you want to play?”

“Eijun… don’t make a scene..”

“Don’t fucking tell me what to do! And DON’T say my name!” He slammed his fist on the table and raised his voice, making everyone in the dining hall to turn their heads in their direction.

Kazuya pressed his lips in a hard line, feeling uncomfortable in his own skin as he felt eyes on them, but he didn’t avert his gaze from Eijun’s blazing eyes. “Sawamura, you can hate on me all you want but you’ll have to deal with me being around. Whether you like it or not I’m not going anywhere.” He declared in a hushed voice, trying to sound steady but failing miserably.

Eijun stared at him in disdain for a moment, challenging Kazuya’s claims. “Alright. I’m going then.” He abruptly raised from his seat and before he turned to leave he said “Don’t you dare follow me, don’t test me Miyuki, you know what I’m capable of and I won’t hesitate.” He stormed out, leaving Kazuya to deal with the questioning stares.

“Fuck!” He said under his breath. Leaning his forehead on his fists.

“Oi Miyuki! What the hell did you do to Sawamura? The tournament starts next week! Don’t create trouble-“

“I did nothing!” Kazuya yelled at Zono and the letter stared at Kazuya with wide eyes. Kazuya never raised his voice, he could barely do their team’s chant, so this is a shock to every person present in this room. “Whatever, see if I care.” He said to himself and left without giving anyone a chance to say a word.

He took his bat from his room, knowing he’s too angry to stay still even for a second, and headed towards field A just in case Eijun has decided to go on a run on field B as usual. He’s not in the mood to see him.

So yes, nothing went as planned ever since they came back in time. Anything he tried with Eijun was only met with hostility, and although he was willing to become a villain in Eijun’s eyes, he wasn’t aware that the job required him to become a punching bag as well. There’s only so much he could take and his patience is nowhere in sight.

This isn’t something he can solve if Eijun isn’t willing to be an active participant.

He knew they couldn’t continue this way. Not only for the sake of the team and their battery, but also for their mental health. Kazuya always considered himself mentally strong  because he never cared about anything but baseball. He only threw in one person in the equation and now he feels the wear and tear of it. He was tired, exhausted even, there was not one single moment where he felt at ease. During the day it was a constant struggle with Eijun and the team, and at night, it was a different kind of struggle. Sleepless nights, and nightmares that clawed to take every bit of energy that he has left.

Another reason was actually related to Eijun. Yesterday when they were working in the bullpen he finally understood Eijun’s problem. Of course, he was an idiot for not realizing it sooner. Yips was always a problem of the mind and not the body, and Eijun is an emotional pitcher. His pitches heavily rely on his condition for the day. In the past, when he learned the outside pitch, he didn’t need to think too much and he was  already mostly over the emotional damage he had after losing the game against Inashiro.

However, now it’s a completely different story. His emotions have nothing to do with baseball, yet he’s bringing it onto the field. Kazuya shouldn’t have missed that, he himself is dealing with a lot of emotional issues ever since they came back, so of course Eijun was not immune. Add to that, he probably thinks about- about what he did. That can’t be easy.

That’s why Kazuya needed to work it out with Eijun soon. That’s why he tried.

For the first time this week, Kazuya decided to not think about anything and just swing his bat. Hoping he wouldn’t “accidentally” swing it at something, or someone.

*****

After swinging for more than two hours, he heard a voice coming from behind.

“Heard you and Bakamura had a fight.”

Kazuya looked over his shoulder “Don’t know what you’re talking about.” He said with a blank face as he continued to swing his bat with a little more force than intended.

“People said he was screaming at you, and not the usual ‘Sawamura scream’… they said he almost punched you.”

“Wouldn’t that be a sight to see.”

“What is going on Miyuki? Ever since the practice match with Yakushi you both have been acting weird. You walk on eggshells around him and he looks at you like you’re poison shaped as a human. It’s not like him, as much as he gets irritated with you, he never hated you. So what happened between you two?”

“Nothing happened. Maybe he always hated me but you only notice it now? Can’t say I blame him… I’m not the most lovable person out there.”

“Oh boohoo.. You can go on this rant all you want but we both know that’s a lie! He doesn’t hate you, well at least he didn’t before, but something is going on and you’re both hiding it.”

“Well mister detective, you can always ask Sawamura what’s his deal or better yet, leave your nose out of it.”

“I’ve tried! It’s.. I don’t know what is up with him but I can’t get close. It wasn’t like that before, I used to push him just a little and he would tell me everything but now.. every time I try to talk he has this look on his face as if he would get up and leave and never come back… he’s like a ticking time bomb!”

“Well then, I guess option number two. Leave him alone and stay out of it.”

“No can do! I can’t ignore this!”

“Sucks to be you.”

“You should talk to him.”

“Huh?! What makes you think that this is a good idea? You just said he looks at me like I’m a poisonous snake.”

“Oi! That’s not what I sai- never mind! You should do the talking because clearly whatever’s bothering him has something to do with you one way or the other.”

“Again, me talking to him is the worst idea, unless you do want to see me get sucker punched.”

“It would just be an added bonus…”

“Fuck you!”

“Look! He may scream at you and maybe there’s a slight chance of his fist meeting your face…” Kazuya glared at him before he continued “but at least he would talk! He doesn’t talk to anyone! So yeah! Screaming is better than nothing!”

Kazuya lowered his bat and sighed “You’re not going to back down from this are you?”

“Nope!” Kuramochi flashed him a toothy smile.

“Fine… I- I’ll go find him…”

“I’ll get the first aid kit ready.” Kazuya sent him a death stare, ready to raise his bat again. “I’m joking! Geez don’t kill the messenger.”

*****

Kazuya was searching for Eijun for about an hour before he saw him standing near the equipment shed in field B. He was wondering what was it that had Eijun so drawn to this place, it was dark, secluded, deserted even. Maybe that was the reason. Maybe Eijun was trying to be alone.

Kazuya didn’t want to rain on his parade but he did tell Kuramochi that he’ll talk to Eijun, and even if he didn’t it was time. He has had it with this passive aggressive attitude he had to endure all week. If Eijun wants to punch him and get over with this, then he’ll take one for the team. Just let this be over with so they could actually do something other than sending each other nasty glares all day.

As he got close, he started to fear a little for his glasses, and only his glasses, he couldn’t care less about his face! Eijun suddenly turned around to look at him, and Kazuya could visibly see the vein in his temple pop. Oh great, here we go.

“Why are you following me everywhere?!”

“I’m not following you everywhere…”

“No? What about at school? In the dugout? In the fucking dining hall? You NEVER sat next to me before when I had the yips! You barely said a word! Now you’re in my face no matter where I am, even after I told you I can’t look at you! You don’t care how I feel, not then and definitely not now!”

Now he felt something snap within him. Eijun could blame him about a lot of things, but not that, he did care and that was the problem. “I do care! I care about you and I want to help you! I was wrong for the way I handled things before but now it’s different! You just don’t want to give me a chance to help you fix things, you want to give up and take the easy way!”

Eijun was shocked by Kazuya’s outburst for a second before he clenched his jaw and spitted out “Can you even hear yourself you selfish bastard?! I don’t want you to try and fix me! I’m not broken, so don’t treat me like one of the problems you need to solve!”

“Then what do you need me to do? I would do anything! Just talk to me, I’m not a mind reader. You keep doing that Eijun, saying things in an illusive way, leaving letters in my desk, you say you don’t want me to solve you? Then stop talking in riddles!”

“I tell you every single time! You just don’t listen!” Eijun sounded desperate and Kazuya wanted to deny his claims but he knew he couldn’t, he was never a good listener. “Miyuki… I don’t need you to do anything for me… I need you to do it with me! I need you to start looking at me like I’m the other half of your battery instead of a broken shell of what you think is me! Can you do that? Can you respect me enough to let me work on this on my own terms?”

Kazuya was taken aback. He never looked at it this way, was he treating Eijun like something broken? Did he try to work things together or dictate what he should do? He wanted a moment to think but Eijun didn’t stop there.

“I thought you knew how much I struggled… how I still do. Then you go and say that I’m giving up? Taking the easy way? You think that dealing with a body that doesn’t listen to what I want is easy?! Hearing teammates laugh behind my back again and again is easy? YOU THINK THAT KILLING MYSELF WAS EASY?!” Eijun said with tears, his pained expression stabbed Kazuya in a way he never knew was possible. It’s my fault again.

“I can’t believe it… even after everything I’m still waiting for you to look at me as someone worthy of being your partner.. I didn’t just lose my life… apparently I also lost my mind if I think you’ll ever acknowledge me like I want you to! God, I’m pathetic just like they say I am! Just like you look at me! Pathetic little Eijun!”

In his fit of anger Eijun started to hit his head with his fists which made Kazuya react fast like he was stealing a base in the last inning.

“Stop that!” He begged Eijun while holding his wrists. He never ever wanted to see him hurt like that.

Eijun struggled against his hold but Kazuya knew this is where he stands firm. He wrapped his hands around Eijun’s body, feeling how small is build is. Has he been eating at all? Have I missed something again?

The broken boy was crying in his arms. It wasn’t the first time he saw Eijun cry, but not like this, never like this. Those tears held something he couldn’t understand, his cries tried to convey something Kazuya wasn’t able to hear. He realized that the only thing he could do for him, should do, was being honest for once and stop hiding behind what he thinks Eijun wants to hear.

“I have never.. never thought you were pathetic!” He closed his eyes and tried to push the words he needed to say. “I’m an idiot okay? I hear every word you say but don’t listen to their meaning. I see your struggles but don’t let you time to heal. I do all of this because I don’t know how else to be, it’s who I am and it’s not an excuse, not when I know you need me, not when I’m letting you down. I-I want to learn but I can’t promise it will be easy…. Let me learn Eijun, you said that you needed me to do this with you so let me, stop pushing me away.”

Eijun got quiet and he knew he needed to push just a bit more.

“You are right… you are not broken and I don’t need to fix you… but.. we both know what you can do. I’ve seen it, you felt it.. remember the game we had against Hakuryuu? You can do much more. If you want it… then I want to be next to you when you try to achieve it.” He tightened his grip before saying what he should have said before “Not as a teammate or a captain. As Kazuya, as your partner.”

He felt Eijun’s little sobs and hoped that he had conveyed everything that he has been bottling since he saw Eijun again after that cruel Friday, standing on the mound, realizing that it was Eijun, the Eijun he knows. That is all he hoped for, the rest, well… he could put his patience through another test.

After a few minutes of silence Kazuya felt Eijun shaking and he thought that something was wrong and backed away to look at Eijun only to find him laughing.

Kazuya stared at him dumbfounded. From little giggles Eijun came undone in seconds with a full belly laughter so uncontrollable there were tears in his eyes.

“Maybe you have lost your mind after all?” Kazuya mused smiling at the ridiculous boy in his arms.

“Shut up you shitty Tanuki!” He sighed and tried to stop himself from laughing again. “I-I really needed that.”

“What? Scold me for how stupid I am? Seeing my embarrassing side?”

“Oh, most definitely!” He fleshed him a wide smile “I held back two years of scolding for your information! And you’re not embarrassing!” He said holding his laughter “You should have seen your face.” Eijun started wheezing.

“You’re insane.” Kazuya shook his head with a small smile. He couldn’t believe that that’s all it took to see that smile again, to hear him laugh even if it’s at his own expense.

“Well, I somehow tolerate you despite all the shit you’ve put me through so yeah, I got to have screw loose!”

Kazuya scuffed at his tone. For the first time in a while it sounded like the trademark “Sawamura scream”. He exhaled and felt the tension leave his body. It was a long time ago since they bantered like that, not trying to hurt each other, only silliness.

“Are you planning to hug me all night?” Eijun asked with a raised brow.

“Sorry.” Kazuya quickly let go and willed the heat on his face to go away, feeling embarrassed at the intimacy they shared a few seconds ago while at the same time cursing himself for missing it already.

“Are we… are we okay?” He had to ask, afraid of the answer but knew he couldn’t- they couldn’t continue with the behavior they had towards each other in the last week. Not if he wanted to change things, not if he wanted to get closer.

“No.” Eijun responded without hesitation and Kazuya forced himself to hide his hurt at the admission. “But we will be. Won’t we?” Eijun gave him a wistful smile and gazed at him with golden eyes, eyes that were a little less duller than a few minutes ago, eyes that he missed.

“Yes. We will.” He said it as a vow. Kazuya was a lot of things, a coward, socially awkward, annoying at times, but he was also determined and never backed out from a challenge. This was the challenge of his life and he will conquer it even if it’s the last thing he would do. We will.

They both lingered for a moment longer before deciding to go back to the dorms. They didn’t say anything else as they walked back together but for the first time since they came back in time, Kazuya felt at ease. Glancing at Eijun he could see the small smile still adorning his face, the frown that was stuck with him for a week now was gone. It wasn’t there yet but for now it was enough and Kazuya made another vow to himself to make Eijun smile again.

He missed it, that smile. That smile that could melt ice and light up the darkest of places.

Chapter Text

Kazuya was in his bed, drowning in his thoughts instead of sleeping, which he found himself do more often than not. He couldn’t help it, he had too much on his mind and the part of his brain that sends alert signals every time he closes his eyes is working the extra shift tonight.

He thought about his talk with Eijun, if one would call screaming at each other’s faces as simply talking. There was a lot they had to unpack but chose not too, or more correctly, evaded. It was a weird duel between curiosity and fear. Fear of finding out things that maybe better left untouched. A pandora box neither of them dared to peek into.

The thing that held his thoughts in a chokehold the most, was his willingness to open up and his longing to be close to Eijun. The both of them were close in the past but not in the way that Kazuya wishes lately.

That’s the part that he didn’t comprehend. Of course he would want to fix their relationship after he lost him in such a way, but was this all there was to it? Was it the only reason? Why should he wishes for his smile if he only wanted to mend what was lost?

The more he ventured towards these thoughts and found himself in unknown territories, the more he wanted to shut down and pretend it’s not there. What could he possibly achieve by chasing something he’s not sure Eijun would reciprocate, and what does he want to achieve anyways?

Kazuya ruffled his hair in frustration, thankful that he doesn’t have roommates to see him going insane.

The tournament is only a few days away, and he already had more worries than he could count. He just told Eijun that they would do this Eijun’s way and to let him take his time, but they couldn’t really do that. He doesn’t want to push him more than he did in the last week, but he knew he should anyways. Gentle pushes, nudges, he wouldn’t feel it!

He groaned and stuffed his head into the pillow, hoping that by some miracle he would pass out and maybe reborn as a stone or something. He could be a decent stone. Zero movement, minimum effort and free of thoughts.

As Kazuya felt sleep finally creeping in he was momentarily frozen in fear. He took a deep breath and imagined Eijun’s laughter from a few hours ago, smiling to himself at the memory, he let his eyes rest.

*****

They just received their numbers a few days ago and nothing had changed from last time. It didn’t really surprised Kazuya but only motivated him towards the goal. Which seemed to be a little impossible since tomorrow is already the start of the Fall Tournament and Kazuya was already over it.

Of course he wanted to play, but the matter of the fact is that he already did. When he used to watch movies about time travel it didn’t occur to him that experiencing the same thing all over again is so draining. He had big plans to get Eijun as close as possible to how he was during his second year but after everything that happened between them lately he knew it wouldn’t be something he could half-ass.

Even though they had that little heart to heart moment, they haven’t really had the time to actually talk about Eijun’s pitching and the pitcher still preferred to work alone or with Kariba, which left a bitter taste in Kazuya’s mouth. Eijun did say that they’re not there yet, in terms of trust and friendship, but Kazuya thought that he might have cracked that invisible wall just a tiny bit.

All that pressure only worsened his situation. The nightmares got creative and now it’s not only Kuramochi who comes to haunt him at night. The worst of his terror dreams were always ones where Eijun came to visit. It was a mix of past and current Eijun and it scared him to ever finding out one day that whatever that illusion is spouting at him was actually what Eijun truly felt in real life.

Kazuya was walking around the dorms towards the field taking in the quiet that surrounded this place. It was always odd the difference between times like these to the loudness that one could usually hear when strolling around Seidou.

He stopped at the top of the hill, his eyes wandering automatically to the running figure below.

When Eijun looked up he waved at him and the pitcher stopped running and came towards the spot he was standing at.

“You’re up unusually early.” Eijun pointed out.

“Just walking around.”

He gave Kazuya a contemplated look.

“What?”

“Nothing. Just… are you okay? I couldn’t say anything this week because I-“

“Was busy being a brat?”

“SHUT UP! I was about to say that I was too angry to talk about this calmly! Anyways, you don’t look so good, are you sleeping at all?”

“Yes… don’t worry.” Kazuya said while avoiding his stare.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure…”

“Would you have told me if it was otherwise?” Kazuya looked at him then, wondering when did Eijun became so perceptive, thinking of ways to get the pitcher to drop this conversation. Not feeling quite ready to open this specific wound. “Relax… I kind of had the idea that you used all your emotional availability the other day so I’ll give you some slack!”

“Oi!”

“But just know that I have my eyes on you.”

“Heh, I know you like looking at me~ should I start charging you?” He couldn’t help but rile him up.

“Wha-wha-“

“Use your words Eijun~”

“Ugh! I should have punched you when I had the chance!” He said while heading back to the dorms.

“Wait! Were you really planning to punch me?!” Kazuya chased after him.

*****

He was sitting in the dining hall looking over stats and listening to Furuya and Eijun arguing about the weather of all things. It always amazed him how they could find a reason to argue just about anything- even the force of nature. He might’ve even respected them for this kind of commitment if they weren’t so loud. Well, if Eijun wasn’t so loud.

“Cold is cold! At some point when it reaches a certain level, you don’t even feel the difference! So I’m just as adapt to the cold as you’re because Nagano can get cold in the winter!”

“Not like Hokkaido. It’s a different kind of cold.”

“That doesn’t even make any sense! Besides, the real challenge is to play during the heat, which we both know you suck at.”

“Am not.”

“YES YOU ARE-“

“Eijun-kun! The day barely begun… let us eat in peace.” Haruichi tried to stop them.

“You do realize this idiot’s day starts at 5 right?” Kanemaru said between bites.

“5?! Bakamura is noisy even in his sleep so technically his day never ends!” Kuramochi kicked Eijun under the table.

“The early worm gets to run away from the bird!” Eijun said while standing up.

“Th-that’s not the saying Sawamura…” Toujou’s face was red from secondhand embarrassment.

“Whatever. Let’s go Miyuki!” He pulled Kazuya from his sit.

“O-Oi! I was still eating!”

“No you weren’t, you were staring at the same page for ten minutes already! See you later everyone!” He said while dragging Kazuya out of the dining hall.

“Hyahaha I see you two worked things out huh? Too bad we didn’t get to see Miyuki with a black eye!”

“Shut up Mochi! Don’t give him any ideas!” Kazuya screamed just before they exited the room.

*****

They were walking to school in comfortable silent. Kazuya still couldn’t get used to this contrast. Just second ago he thought that Eijun was back to his first year self yet here he was, acting like a complete stranger.

“You sure got quiet pretty quickly.”

“Hm? Oh, I just wanted them to relax.”

“Huh?”

He sighed “I’m so done with arguing with Furuya… it was fun and all, but it doesn’t feel the same now. I know that ever since we came back everyone was looking at me waiting for me to act like a clown but I couldn’t do it anymore. It’s just… tomorrow we start the tournament and everyone looked stressed and I thought it might help them…”

“You- it was on purpose?!”

“You really couldn’t tell?”

“No. Not really.”

“Well then, My job is done! I just hope they don’t expect for more.”

As he heard Eijun’s reasoning he couldn’t help but wonder if this is something that he already did in the past. Was he acting all along with our jokes when we called him dumb? He knew for a fact the Eijun never really was an idiot, but his antics got them all to see him as one and they just went with the joke. He felt kind of bad for never giving Eijun’s credit where credit’s due, after all he did learn eleven pitches, which is no small fit, especially for a high schooler. “I get it. You were- are, kind of the mood maker so people will want to see your craziness just so they could get distracted from the pressure and put their mind at ease.”

“Are you insulting me right now?!”

“No, no, I mean this genuinely!”

“Hmph! I guess… I could fake it a little bit more. As long as I don’t have to pretend around you.”

“It’s a win-win for me. I for one enjoy this quiet regular voice of yours.”

“Excuse me? You love my voice! Matter of fact I might keep the pretense next to you as well!!”

Kazuya laughed and decided to use the light mood to bring the subject he actually wanted to talk about, at the risk of his own safety.

“So how’s your pitching going?”

Eijun seemed to be choosing his words “Actually… it got better. Not where I want it to be but, I think it’s useable in a game. It’s definitely a lot more work than I thought it would take, it’s like every single thing I remember about the way I used to pitch is jumbled up together and it confuses me.”

“That’s exactly what I keep trying to say. Don’t think too hard about it, at the end of the day your body will adjust to the things your movement is trying to achieve.”

“I guess…”

“I… would’ve liked to see it in person though… I might find some things that you missed, and besides, the tournament starts tomorrow and I didn’t get to see your pitches up close. It can’t be good to our battery’s dynamic.”

“I know. You’re right. I-We’ll find the time to practice.” He said with a smile but Kazuya felt like his heart wasn’t completely in it. There’s more to it than he’s letting on.

The two parted ways when they reached the school and despite not being content with Eijun’s answer he decided to put his trust in him and follow his lead.

*****

Kazuya was looking at Toyosaki’s batters, trying to get his mindset right before tomorrow. He knew they were going to win but he couldn’t be complacent. He was back in time, which already defies any logical sense he had left, who’s to say tomorrow’s game will follow any logic at all? It did feel weird but he wasn’t above it at the moment, he would have preferred to laze around in bed if he could help it, but there are things he must do.

He felt like he had enough and walked outside to get some air. When he saw lights in the indoor practice facility he took that as the universe’s signal to claim this opportunity. Walking straight into the facility he saw Kariba talking with Eijun.

“I’ll be on my way then, great work today!”

“Thanks Kariba! I really appreciate you.”

“Don’t mention it! Oh! Hey Miyuki-senpai.”

“What’s up?”

“We were just wrapping up here, what do you think about tomorrow’s match?”

“I have a feeling we would manage.” He said with a smirk while Eijun rolled his eyes.

“Let’s hope so! Well I’m going, see you guys!”

“Bye.” They said in unison.

Kazuya was waiting for Kariba to leave before addressing Eijun with his proposition.

“Want to throw me a few pitches before you go?”

“I just threw like fifty pitches to Kariba so I think I’m done for today. Don’t want to overwork myself even if I won’t play tomorrow.”

Kazuya crossed his arms and frowned at him “Sawamura, you never know what the coach will decide so stop with this mindset. Also, I thought we were over this. Are you still planing to stay mad at me and punish me by not working together?”

“What? No! I’m not mad at you!”

“It’s not very convincing when you keep refusing me. You do realize that I’m the main catcher? Even if you hate me you’ll have to play with me eventually.”

“Miyuki, I don’t hate you. It’s not that.. I just…” he sighed and pinched his nose “I know you never had a good impression on my control and I just know you’ll be disappointed. I wanted to improve it a bit before we started working together.”

Kazuya knew that all the jokes he made would one day come to bite him in the ass, but he surely didn’t think it would be today. Especially not when this specific one didn’t even had the same meaning Eijun thought it had. “You know that when I joked about your control it was only so you would be able to focus on the batters. I didn’t mean it like that…”

“Well Miyuki, excuse me for saying this but the line between your jokes and what you truly mean is very thin. I think that the other day was the first time I ever heard you speak honestly, and that says a lot for someone who spent almost two years next to you!”

He slumped his shoulder in defeat “I know.. you’re right about that but, you’re wrong for thinking that I would be disappointed. I’m not a pitcher, I can’t play catch with myself. I know that you guys work hard because I see it from behind the plate every single day. I actually think that the lack of complete control is what made your pitches powerful until now but we both know you can be better than that. I’m just glad you haven’t given up…”

“To tell you the truth.. I almost did. The night when I realized we were back I wanted to pack my things and leave without even saying anything. Then I thought about the things that I would do once I’m back at Nagano and I realized I didn’t know how to picture my life without this, without Seidou, and maybe… I didn’t want to leave you with this alone. This is too much for one person to shoulder, and it wouldn’t be fair…”

Always thinking about others… “I’m glad you stayed.”

Eijun scrunched up his nose at Kazuya’s words.

“What?”

“Who are you and what have you done with Miyuki Kazuya?”

Feeling irritated at his reaction he turned to leave “I’m leaving.”

“Wait! You said you’ll catch for me!”

“I thought you were done for the day?”

“Well I can’t refuse when I see how much you want it!”

“You can refuse, I could use the time to go over tomorrow’s opponents.”

“Now now Miyuki, no need to feel embarrassed, especially not after that whole scene you did the other night.”

“Oi!”

“Come on! I know you already looked at the stats, let’s play!”

“Fine.” He snickered “Only because I know you missed me~”

“Keep on dreaming Tanuki, get to the plate already we don’t have all night.”

“Demanding…”

“I don’t want to hear that from you, you tyrant!”

Kazuya crouched behind home plate and raised his mitt “Show me what you got.”

“You’re not going to put protectors?”

“I trust you.”

Eijun flinched for a second before he gathered himself and took a deep breath. It was very subtle, but Kazuya could tell the moment he entered the mind state that he usually has when he’s focused.

He was staring at Kazuya with his golden eyes, and it felt like being burnt directly by the blazing sun. He welcomed this kind of burn, he missed it, craved for it, never wanted to look away.

This is it. He thought to himself, this was the reason for everything he’s fighting for, this was his anchor in the sea of doubt, this was his muse.

Eijun threw the ball and it was everything he remembers only amplified with something untold. It was beautiful in every sense of the word and inspiring. The sound of the ball hitting his mitt rang across the room and he saw Eijun smile with closed eyes.

For a moment he had to wonder, if Eijun’s wish, the one he mentioned in the letter, ever came true. If he heard it then, and if he did, did it sound just as it did now?

It only took one ball but Kazuya was sure now more than ever. They will be okay.

For Eijun, his pitching was his lifeline. For Kazuya, Eijun’s life was a paramount.

Chapter Text

The match against Toyosaki went as expected with no surprises or deviations from the past and Kazuya wasn’t sure whether to be glad or not. He always wanted a challenge and it did feel kind of cheating even if he put the same effort, he felt like an imposter of himself which is ridiculous but tell that to his brain.

The fact that nothing changed also meant that Eijun didn’t get to play, but the pitcher seemed to be fine with it and even though Kazuya really wanted him to play, he knew that if Eijun doesn’t want it just as much, it would all mean nothing. That’s why he didn’t even try to talk Kataoka into putting Eijun in for a few innings.

Despite that, he couldn’t ignore two things that made themselves clear yesterday when he got the chance to catch Eijun’s pitches. The first thing was, Eijun was completely wrong. His outside pitch wasn’t out of control, in fact it was in perfect control. Even better than the last time. He didn’t tell him that, because he had the feeling that Eijun wouldn’t take it as a genuine observation and he didn’t want the boy to think that Kazuya is pitying him or anything of sorts. The only reason they were out of control the last time he stood on the mound was because of his emotional turmoil which clouded everything for the pitcher, and stranded him on that mound before he could make any sort of movement. It made Kazuya wonder why Eijun still believed that his pitches were something Kazuya would ever be disappointed with.

The second thing was, something he wished he would have never found out. Being in a battery with Eijun is second to none. He played with many pitchers before but no other pitcher has ever made him as excited as he was yesterday.

Eijun always trusted him on the mound, but it was more than just letting him lead, he understood him, he studied his calls just as much as Kazuya studied the batters. It was a synergy he never truly achieved with other pitchers. He never thought that Eijun was the best pitcher per se, knowing that he had a lot to grow then and now, but he was the best for Kazuya. That is something that he has to admit at this point and it scared him.

The more he thought about this discovery, the more he remembered the last conversation they had in their timeline, on Friday. When Eijun asked if Kazuya wanted him to play he never truly understood. Now however, he felt like an idiot for not reading between the lines, for never actually looking at Eijun and how significant he’s been to this battery. Their battery.

As he let his mind go rampant, glimpses of the rest of the conversation they had on Friday were slowly cracking through the box he enclosed them within. He wasn’t ready to confront them yet and he did everything he could to ignore the last bit of information he had about that night.

Putting all those thoughts aside, Kazuya climbed on the bus and looked for Eijun, hoping to convince him to play in the next match or at least show the coach that he’s ready. He slumped in the sit next to him and had to stop himself from laughing at Eijun’s surprised face.

“Good job out there Miyuki!” He exclaimed before whispering “It truly felt like watching a movie of my past life, when will it stop being weird?”

“I know, right? I don’t think it will ever stop being weird though. At least not until we reach the point where we- uh…“

“The point where we what?”

“Nothing…” He cursed himself for going there. An innocent conversation that could have turned dark and out of control in seconds. Instead he directed the discussion to his original goal. “Let me catch for you tonight.”

“Really? I mean, I’d like that, but I thought you might want to rest?”

“I’ll rest afterwards, I want us to work as much as we can before next week.”

“Next week?”

“Uh…yes. We have a match again Mino high. I thought you might want to try pitching…”

“Miyuki…”

“Look I’m not saying that you will pitch if you don’t want to, but in case you will, it’s better to be prepared no?”

Eijun had a contemplated look on his face and Kazuya was sure that he will turn him down. “I will practice with you…” he sighed before continuing “But I’m not playing in the next game. I need just a little more time.”

“Tell me, what can I do to help?”

“Miyuki, there’s nothing you can do right now… it’s me, I just need to handle some things first.”

“Alright.” Kazuya knew better than to fight with him on this matter, even if the feeling of disappointment lingered heavily in his body. The only consolation was that he will get to catch for him later and maybe on other days during the week. He will count that as a win and use that progress to show Eijun that he can lean on him.

*****

As the week went by Kazuya was mentally and physically pushing himself to his limit.

During the day he was working with Furuya and participated in all the mandatory practices and team meetings. Then in the evenings he would chase Eijun down and force him to pitch. Not because the pitcher didn’t want to, but because Kazuya was so exhausted due to lack of sleep that eventually Eijun didn’t buy any of his excuses. He didn’t want to pitch to Kazuya when the letter looked like a worn rug.

Kazuya knew that Eijun is being stubborn because he was worried but they wouldn’t be here if Eijun had agreed to play. He wouldn’t have to hear all day long from Ochiai how hopeless their bullpen is, and that he should only focus on Furuya.

Ochiai was already obsessed with Furuya in the past, and Kazuya could’ve never guessed it would become much worse. He doesn’t even have the chance to offer Eijun to play catch since the coach seemed to make it his personal mission to hunt down Kazuya every single second of the day.

He knew that he won’t be able to continue with this rigorous schedule but during the day he didn’t get to see a glimpse of Eijun. Apparently, he was practicing elsewhere with god knows who, and not knowing how the pitcher’s doing made him anxious. He knew already that the game against Mino high is a lost cause, but Kazuya didn’t want him to continue this kind of isolation. Not to mentioned that Eijun is not only out of his sight but also out of the coaches sight, and that means they will never see his improvement and Ochiai will continue with his weird fixation… Kazuya really didn’t remember it was that creepy.

He sighed deeply and told Furuya to take a break before he sat on the bench and stretched his neck to relieve the tension that has been building up. He could feel Ochiai’s stare on him and decided to stare back just to mess with him. He felt like a five years old but he’s been harboring some nasty thoughts about this coach for a while so who’s going to blame him really?

“Stare any longer and he might go up in flames.”

“Ono… want to switch? Catch for Furuya?”

“Are you kidding? Ochiai will kill us both and I value my life, besides, Furuya has been intense lately. I tried catching for him the other day and it was… a lot.”

“Yeah, he’s in the zone. I have a feeling this tournament he’ll reach new levels.” Well, I know for a fact he will “But we need to make sure he’s not pushing himself unless we want injuries on our hands.”

Ono chuckled with a pinch of desperation in his voice “We’ve got ourselves a bunch of hotheaded pitchers so I’m not sure we’ll succeed in stopping them.”

“Right… speaking of which, where is Sawamura? Did you get to catch for him lately?”

“Sawamura? No… I didn’t catch for him at all since that Yakushi game, I barely see him on the field lately.”

Kazuya turned his head and looked at Kariba catching for Kawashima and wondered where Eijun could be and what is the pitcher doing and with who?

“Is he still on a different menu?” Ono asked.

“I-I don’t know.” Kazuya felt like a failure for not knowing what one of his teammates, and one of his pitchers, is up to. They were working together in the evenings but other than that he had no clue what Eijun is doing or thinking.

Just as he was about to offer he would go look for Eijun Ochiai interrupted his thoughts on cue “I think that’s enough for a break. Furuya, get back to it.”

Furuya nodded and turned to Kazuya “Miyuki-senpai, can we continue?”

“Sure…” he sent one last glare towards Ochiai before crouching down.

Even though he felt anxious and the questions about Eijun dominated his thoughts, he knew he needed to zone them out and be present for the team. Last time he ignored the way Furuya kept pushing himself and he was prone to injuries which they couldn’t afford this time. Not until Eijun is ready.

Unfortunately, Kazuya was no longer a logical thinker. In his brain he made one decision but the rest of his body refused to listen. No matter how hard he tried, the pull that craved to see a certain golden eyed boy tugged at his senses and rendered him helpless for the rest of the practice.

*****

Seidou’s match against Mino high went well and everyone in the team were in high spirits. They had another game tomorrow but the adrenaline still pumped in their systems and no one even thought of resting. Anyone might think they are getting ready to Koshien by the look of their faces and the sweat that stuck to their clothes.

Kazuya at first planned to use that as an opportunity to rest, but since he didn’t get to speak with Eijun at all today he decided to go look for the pitcher before anyone would drag him to a batting practice, or worse, get dragged by Ochiai.

He walked around field A where most of the team were practicing outside in the nice evening weather when he spotted him sitting in the dugout.

As he got closer he felt some stress leave his body, and thought about how to approach him. Opting to wear his usual smirk he tried to come up with a way to rile him up which fell short when he saw that Eijun wasn’t sitting alone. The pitcher was sitting with Chris, seemingly lost in a hushed conversation, as if the both of them were in a bubble that nothing could penetrate.

Kazuya’s smirk immediately fell and he couldn’t help but stand and stare at the two. How long have they been talking? Did Eijun ask Chris for help with his pitching? Is that what he’s been doing all this time? Why didn’t he ask me? Random questions started running through his mind but the most prominent one was Why isn’t he talking with me?

Realizing he’s not needed he decided to turn back and call it a day, feeling agitated and upset for reasons he couldn’t name. Just as he took a step towards the exit he heard his voice.

“Miyuki Kazuya!” Eijun ran towards him while waving Chris goodbye.

Kazuya felt both panic and relief by the fact that Eijun has noticed him, immediately schooling his face, hoping he isn’t showing any of the ugly emotions he has inside of him. “Yes, that’s my name. Do you need anything?”

“I was just about to go looking for you…” Eijun momentarily stopped talking, his golden eyes studying his face and Kazuya wasn’t sure what the pitcher is searching for or what he has found, because the moment had passed before he could joke about it “Catch for me?”

“Now?”

“Yes, now. Unless you have some other commitment…” Eijun gave him a way out and he wasn’t sure he liked it, that the boy thinks he needs to make excuses for Kazuya.

“Sure, why not.”

“T-that’s awfully nice of you.”

“Oi, don’t use awful and nice in the same sentence, and why ask me in the first place if you’re going to act so surprised?”

“I honestly thought you were going to say no, I can’t help being surprised!” He gaped.

“Well if you’re done, close that mouth and let’s go.”

“Nothing is wrong with my mouth, thank you very much!”

As they walked towards the indoor practice facility, Kazuya couldn’t help but ask about what has been bothering him since minutes ago.

“So… what did you guys talk about?”

“You guys? Who?”

“You and Chris…”

“Oh, N-Nothing…”

Kazuya scowled and muttered under his breath “Didn’t seem like nothing to me.” Whether Eijun heard him or not, the pitcher didn’t make any comment to indicate that he did.

When they arrived to the indoor facility it was already filled with some other team members who were getting ready themselves for tomorrow’s game. Kazuya would have preferred to work with Eijun alone so he could reduce the pressure from the pitcher but he will work with what they have.

“Do you want to work only on the outside?” He inquired although it was more of a rhetorical question at this point since Eijun has refused to do anything else in the past few weeks.

“I’ll follow your lead, ask for whatever…” Eijun said nonchalantly and Kazuya was sure he was seconds from breaking his neck from the whiplash he did, staring at Eijun’s back as if he was a two headed alien.

“Okay.” He said while going to his spot, crouching and tuning out everything around him. Why did he change his mind? His eyebrows were pulled together thinking hard about Eijun’s words which he never used to do before but now he finds himself do it almost everyday.

For the first few pitches he asked for outside pitches only, even if Eijun gave him the okay, he really didn’t feel bold enough to use that pass. He wanted to do it carefully, methodically, everything that they never were as a battery. It felt like he was running away in a sense but he didn’t want to make any mistakes.

He knew that Eijun saw right through him as the pitcher stared at him with a frown. Eijun opened his mouth to speak but then stopped and stared at a spot behind Kazuya.

Kazuya looked over his shoulder at the man who was standing there studying the battery.

“Miyuki, how does he look?” Kataoka asked.

“I think his outside pitches are in great shape, it would be a surprise for anyone who stands at the batting box. Especially if-“ Kazuya stopped himself from completing the sentence, they all knew what Eijun needed to make his outside pitches deadlier but the pitcher wasn’t there mentally, what more could they do about it?

“If his inside pitches are back.” Kataoka completed for him.

“Well…” he looked back at Eijun and was startled by his gaze. Eijun’s eyes had a glint he hasn’t seen for a long time, it gave him goosebumps. He felt excited but confused about the source of the pitcher’s energy.

“Boss!” Eijun suddenly exclaimed “could you please stand in the batting box?” He asked without any waver in his voice.

Kazuya’s confusion reached a new level, not understanding what Eijun is planning exactly.

“Show me.” Is all the coach had to say.

He saw Eijun clenching his shirt and mumbling to himself something that seemed like self encouragement. He would have laughed at his antics but the feeling that coiled in his gut only left Kazuya with a sour taste.

It happened almost in slow motion. One moment they locked eyes. One moment Kazuya moved his mitt in a trance, body possessed. One moment and the ball left Eijun’s fingers and landed exactly where he held his hand. Right below the batter’s elbows. Inside.

Kazuya saw Eijun’s expression and it was pure relief. The boy closed his eyes and put his gloved hand on his chest, holding together the pieces that had been scattered too many times.

He was happy for Eijun. No, happy wouldn’t describe what he felt that moment. He wanted those feelings to be the only emotions that lingered within him but something darker clawed at his ribcage. He hated that feeling.

“Sawamura. Tomorrow make sure you warm up. I’m assuming you’re ready.”

Kazuya held his breath waiting for Eijun’s rejection which never came.

“Yes, boss! I’m ready!” Eijun said with a cracked voice.

Kataoka turned to leave but Kazuya found himself stuck in that moment. He saw Eijun heading towards him and he wanted to get up and leave. He didn’t want to exchange any words with the pitcher. Suddenly, overwhelmed with something he can’t point at, there is no shape to this, no logic or escape.

“Miyuki!” Eijun stopped in front of him, happiness apparent in his voice “Thank you. I’ll be counting on you tomorrow…” he said in a soft voice.

Kazuya lifted his head from his crouching position and couldn’t help but scowl at him. Counting on me? Don’t make me laugh. He thought, holding it in for dear life before the words spill from his mouth without control.

“Miyuki?” Eijun’s smile fell and was replaced by concern.

He gritted his teeth and looked away “It’s nothing. See you tomorrow?” He got up and hurried to leave, not wanting to say something he’ll regret.

As he walked towards the exit he felt Eijun’s gaze upon him, but Kazuya wouldn’t turn, wouldn’t dare to meet his gaze.

Letting the green monster within him consume his all.

*****

Kazuya walked without aim around the facilities for almost an hour until he stopped at the vending machines. He wasn’t really up for drinking coffee at this hour but he couldn’t care less as he tried to fish for coins in his pocket.

Why now? You didn’t want to pitch to the inside no matter how many times I begged! You didn’t want to play even to try so why now? Who convinced you? Who motivated you? Was it-

“I heard Sawamura is playing tomorrow.” Kazuya turned around to meet the last person he wanted to talk to.

He adjusted his glasses like one would put a mask “Yes. Coach saw him pitch and decided it’s time. Also… Sawamura said he was ready.”

“I see. That’s good. I knew he would bounce back. If anyone can do the impossible that’s him.”

“Yes.” Kazuya said quietly while looking at the ground.

“Is something wrong?”

He blinked a few times, trying to convince his brain to deter from his intrusive thoughts but he lost and his mouth moved first “I- You talked with Sawamura earlier…”

“Right.”

“What did you talk about?” He looked at Chris who only raised his eyebrows in surprise, which made him feel stupid for snooping around but he couldn’t help it.

“You really want to know?” Chris voice was calculated and if Kazuya was interested earlier now he was too intrigued to let this go.

“Yes.”

“Hmm…” Chris‘ scrutinizing gaze made Kazuya squirm uncontrollably. “I’ll tell you when the time is right.”

“What?” He asked incredulously.

“Let’s talk about this again after the finals.”

“The finals?! That’s weeks from now!”

“I promise it’ll be worth your while Miyuki.” 

Kazuya huffed in frustration “I never took you for a teaser Chris-senpai.”

“There’s always something new to learn Miyuki. Even when you think the answer is in front of you.”

“Okay…” He said slowly, not sure what Chris is trying to tell him.

“Good luck tomorrow.” Chris turned to walk away, leaving Kazuya more confused than ever.

*****

It was a warm Monday, the heat of August already forgotten as October almost came banging at the doors. A perfect weather for the last match of the block before the Main Tournament begins. It should also be their last game in general but Kazuya had the feeling that the Intrasquad with the third years will happene this time as well, since Kataoka still planned to leave, but that for his knowledge only. Well, his and Eijun’s.

He was sitting in the dugout waiting for the game to begin when Eijun dropped next to him.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” He responded. Half amused by Eijun finally reaching out to him after the whole drama of ‘why are you following me everywhere’, the other half… a nervous wreck.

“Are you mad at me?” There it was, the reason for his nerves.

He left Eijun yesterday without as much as congratulating the pitcher for regaining his inner pitch, which as a catcher that’s a lame thing to do, as a friend? That’s a shitty thing to do.

It wasn’t Eijun’s fault for the storm that made chaos both in his mind and in his heart. He was being petty, he knew that, but he felt betrayed that Eijun did it all by himself, or as Kazuya feared - with someone else, which is way worse and he doesn’t even want to entertain that thought.

“No, not at all.”

“Wow… that’s very convincing.” Eijun furrowed his eyebrows slightly “I’m not sure what I did but if you tell me at least I will get to apologize.”

“Like you tell me everything? Like you give me the chance to say sorry?” There it was again, his mouth doing the work his brain put on hold.

Eijun was taken aback by Kazuya’s accusations, golden eye searching his gaze before finally understanding. He always could understand Kazuya even without words “Are we doing this here?” He said with a strained voice.

“I don’t know, are we?”

“Miyuki-senpai?” Furuya asked, gazing between them with a bored expression. “Will you warm up with me?”

It was enough to pull Kazuya from the hole that he dug as he took notice of their surroundings and mentally face palmed himself for causing a scene in the dugout, minutes before the game, minutes before Eijun finally stands on that mound after weeks of praying. Instead of encouraging and supporting him all he did was making him worry, and he was mad at himself for doing so, especially since Eijun wasn’t to blame.

“I’ll join you in a minute, meet you at the bullpen.”

Furuya seemed reluctant to leave for a second before he left them to deal with their scuffle.

“Sorry. Forget what I said. I’m glad you’re playing and yes, you can count on me.” He tried to defuse the situation and put forward his true intentions.

“I’m counting on you… the question is, do you count on me?” Eijun said with a scowl before getting up to leave.

Just as always, Eijun left him with more questions to sort through than answers to unveil. Only this time, he felt that the question was answered by the silence that followed them both.

*****

In the 6th inning, Eijun was called to the mound and all the worries that weighed Kazuya’s mind were replaced by excitement. This was the moment that he waited for. To see Eijun in front of him where he belonged, doing things only Eijun is capable of.

When Seishou’s batter took his stance all the stats really didn’t matter to him, he knew that they had nothing on Eijun, not his Eijun.

The look that the pitcher sent him told him everything he needed to know. Eijun asked him a question just moments ago, and a different question on that lost Friday, for both- the answer was clear now and there was only one way to show it.

He signed with his fingers for the pitch that defined who they were as a battery. Daring, adventurous, assertive and ambitious. Always looking forward to the next challenge, always testing each other. A push and pull of trust in the form of silent conversations. Sharing the excitement through eye contact alone.

Eijun never failed him. He understood. Just like always, just like now. He gave Kazuya a smile meant only for him to read. They shared the moment for mere seconds but Kazuya felt that this moment was timeless, bound by millions of alternate realities. Moment that repeated again and again and would repeat until it’s time to lay their gloves down.

Eijun executed that pitch to perfection. As he did with all the other pitches he asked for. He allowed no one on base and it was truly like watching a phoenix rise from the rays of the sun.

At that moment, Kazuya didn’t care what or who caused Eijun to put his faith in his pitches. He was too grateful for the chance to see him shine again, and anything else was trivial. It didn’t took away from his curiosity or from his jealousy, but it gave him the opportunity to form a battery now and for many times more and for that he’s willing to swallow any emotions that might weigh him down.

*****

Seidou won against Seishou Academy and that meant they won all of their block matches. They held their defenses well but their offense was all over the place, just like last time. Kazuya wasn’t any better, even though he has improved tremendously in his third year he was now stuck with the body of a second year. Every muscle felt weak and unpolished and his performance as a clean up was a joke but he didn’t have it in him to be upset. Not after Eijun’s performance.

He wanted to tell the pitcher how proud he was but besides ‘Nice ball’ or ‘Great job’ he couldn’t really say anything. On the field they were something else, once they stepped into the dugout the awkwardness remained.

Even when he tried to sit next to him on the bus he was met with Eijun’s cold shoulder and he turned with his tail between his legs. It was his fault for creating this rift, again.

Only once they were at Seidou he felt confident enough to speak to him and chose to ask something unrelated to their previous discussion, hoping to ease his way in.

“You didn’t say it today.”

“Say what?” Eijun asked with a pout, still mad at Kazuya for bringing their issues up before the game.

“Your catchphrase. The one you always say when you step on the mound. You didn’t say it this time.”

The pitcher looked towards the sky with furrowed eyebrows and then gave Kazuya a purposeful stare “Will it be bad if I won’t?”

“I don’t think so…” He tried to imagine Eijun without his catchphrase and it was a little bit hard but not impossible. Maybe even bittersweet. “Care to share why?”

“What makes you think there’s a reason?”

“Come on… I see it on your face Sawamura.”

“Fine. There is a reason, but I’d rather not talk about it now.”

“Okay.” He said in defeat, lately he lost the will to push, or more accurately, scared to push. It left him empty but Kazuya never was someone who tried their hardest when it came to such things and it wore him down every time Eijun blocked him out.

As he walked he felt Eijun’s hand on his wrist and stopped in his tracks. He looked at Eijun who had a somber look on his face and wondered if he managed to make him even more upset than he already was.

“Later.” The pitcher said and Kazuya could hear the plea in his voice. He nodded and they continued towards the gym, both of them getting ready for a lecture they knew was coming.

*****

After they bathed and finished dinner Eijun led them to the vending machine behind the indoor facility. Motioning Kazuya to sit on the bench he pulled a couple of coins and bought a can of coffee.

When Eijun handed him the coffee he momentarily felt a sense of admiration. That Eijun took the time to remember what he likes to drink whereas he didn’t know anything about the pitcher. For Eijun it was always in the little things, and it soon became something big before Kazuya could keep up.

They sat in silence for a while before Eijun turned on the bench towards Kazuya. Something was bothering the pitcher gravely and he wanted to know. Know about his burdens and about the things that made him happy. So he remained silent and let Eijun hold the reins, trusting him to lead them like he always did off the field.

“You know what’s the weirdest thing about all of this- this time traveling thing?” He asked and Kazuya thought about a million things but nothing came close to what Eijun had in mind. “That all the teammates that I started to get along with in my second year are back to mocking me… and I can’t find it in me to hate or be angry at them… I can’t hate them but I couldn’t stay. Knowing that they look at me like a lost cause. How could I train like that? It took everything in me to not get up and run. It hurts so much Miyuki, they are-“ he choked and barely whispered “They were my friends…”

Kazuya almost lost his grip on the can. He felt his chest heavy and he didn’t dare to even so much as blink. Taking in those eyes that used to be so full of energy since that fateful day when they struck Azuma out, eyes that shined with joy every time he held a ball, now they were full of hurt beyond compare. When Eijun said he couldn’t do this again, this is what he meant. It wasn’t about the physical, the pitcher never backed out from an obstacle, but this, nothing could compare to this.

He felt responsible for many reasons, and didn’t know what to say besides conveying his regrets “That’s- I’m sorry…” Kazuya said through the lump that formed in his throat.

“Why are you the one apologizing? You didn’t mock me when I had the yips in the past or now.” Eijun wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.

“No, but I also didn’t do anything to stop them. I heard… everything. I never said anything and it was a shitty thing to do as a friend.”

“I appreciate you saying that but to be honest, we weren’t really friends at the time.. so I don’t think you should feel sorry about that.”

Kazuya couldn’t resist the anger that bubbled in his gut. Why are you making excuses for me? “Are you seriously saying that? Even if we weren’t friends like we became in my third year I was still your teammate and your captain! Stop it! You’re always making these excuses which make no sense. Why are you putting yourself last?” He raised his voice unintentionally.

“Fine! You want me to blame you? It’s your fault! Feel better?” Eijun burst and Kazuya felt a tug in his heart at his claims even though he was the one who pushed him. “I wasn’t saying that to be nice I was making an observation. We both know you’re not one to engage in confrontation, I mean, do you remember the fight you had with Zono? You were both being ridiculous!”

“I don’t want to hear that from you…”

“Point is! The only people who should take the blame are the ones doing the deed. Yes, it sucked to see you stay quiet, but I didn’t care that you didn’t speak with them I was bothered that you didn’t say anything to me!”

Kazuya looked down and took a breath to calm himself, letting everything that Eijun said sink in.

“Is that… is that why you didn’t say it on the mound today? Your catchphrase?”

Eijun straighten his back and said with a firm voice “Yes, that’s why. That’s why I couldn’t just stand there on the mound and pretend after I knew what’s to come. That once I regain my pitching back it would be like nothing happened, like they didn’t hurt me, but they did and it sucks!” He shrugged and continued “That is also the reason I was so angry.. the first week after we came back. Of course, I hated the thought of going through the yips again but that wasn’t the main reason. I was more scared of their mockery, of the way they whisper when they think I can’t hear, of the way they sneer like I don’t belong on this team. This was the hardest part and it’s still hard today… and yet, I can’t hate them. I just can’t…” Eijun clenched his hands and bit his lower lip, trying to hold in all the emotions.

Kazuya felt like a jerk for making everything be about him these last few days. Now that he heard Eijun it was obvious why the pitcher didn’t want to be anywhere near the team. Let alone, cheer them on during a game. Even if the ones on the field didn’t directly mock Eijun, they also just like Kazuya, didn’t do anything to stop the other teammates from bullying Eijun during his most vulnerable moment. Expect Kuramochi maybe, and he wasn’t so delicate either to handle the situation.

Kazuya’s hand moved before he could register what he was doing and held Eijun’s hand, releasing the tensions from his knuckles.

Eijun lost all the anger that slowly seeped through his features and stared at Kazuya in awe.

“It sucks. It’s horrible and it’s hard… I don’t know how you did it.” He said honestly, remembering all those time he used to get bullied and beaten by his teammates. He used to laugh at them and at the situation, but as soon as he reached home he wanted to scream. It left him with something he only now began to realize. His inability to connect, his distrust, everything that made him emotionally constipated. It all came from the same source, the loss of the only person he ever loved and the cruelty of his surroundings. He was alone. Was, not anymore, and Eijun won’t be alone as long as Kazuya’s here. “Don’t shut me out. Together, right? I see you, and I see your hard work. I’m on your side and for what it’s worth, I always knew you could do it. Today… you were amazing. I wanted to say that…”

Eijun’s chin trembled slightly before he let a small smile on his face, tears held back he sniffled and squeezed Kazuya’s hand. “Thanks Miyuki. I knew. I knew that I could count on you.”

“And I on you.”

Eijun nodded and turned his body on the bench. He tilted his head against the wall and took a shaky breath, never letting go of Kazuya’s hand.

Kazuya only wondered about that night, if he had been as forthcoming in the past as he was now, could he have prevented whatever darkness that consumed Eijun? Could he have avoided all the sorrow and sadness the pitcher harbored? Question he’ll never get the answers to, questions he’ll never dare to ask.

He looked at their joined hands and felt something warm travel from their point of contact all to way to his chest. He never sought the touch of others, he avoided it like the plague. This was different, and he knew that once he opens this door he might not be able to close it and he wasn’t fully ready.

Tonight though, he’ll leave the door unlocked and let the light from the outside to slip through the cracks.

Chapter Text

Cold droplets traveled against Kazuya’s temple as his reflection stared back at him. Woken by another nightmare he went to the bathroom and splashed his face with water to rid of the haze that hovered around him.

He closed his eyes and filled his lungs with practiced breathing, remembering the days after his mother’s death, the meetings with a social worker who kept repeating ‘In’ and ‘Out’. Never had he imagined that something as trivial as breathing would become a task to be performed with deliberation. Yet ever since Eijun’s death in the previous timeline he found it difficult once more. The need to remind his body that air is not the enemy, that without it everything will cease.

As he focused on breathing he could feel his heart thudding a little less faster. Never truly calming down but at least no longer alert. He hung his head forward until his forehead touched the glass.

Kazuya was perceived to the outside world as someone who focused on data and facts, the critical thinker of the bunch, yet, when nightmares came to claim his mind non of those qualities mattered. There was no way for him to differentiate between dreams and reality when his dreams replayed the horrors that he had to endure in the past.

He wondered if it will ever go away, if it will ever get better, or is there a proving he needs to go through before he’ll finally be released of these shackles.

He took his phone out of his pocket, checking the time before making any decisions that would affect his entire day.

He knew that there was no going back to sleep at this point, even if his body demands it of him, he was too scared to close his eyes. At times like these he kind of hated the fact that he had no roommates. Being alone in that room was enough for him to drown in unwanted thoughts and allow his brain to conjure images he didn’t want to see. For a moment he missed the days when he used to bother Okumura with his jokes. Then the moment was gone and he officially declared himself insane.

Deciding that going back to bed wasn’t an option, he knew there was only one thing he could do that also might actually cheer him up and even clear his mind. Dragging himself to his room, he changed clothes before heading out to the field.

He didn’t announce himself once he arrived, only letting his feet match the other’s rhythm and let the breeze against his face kickstart his system so he could draw some of the energy that he was hoping is still there.

They jogged in silence. They often do that lately, the quiet. It wasn’t who they were, never how they used to operate but it didn’t bother him. There were times where they still fell back to old habits and times when they created something new, and as long as Eijun was alive and well Kazuya was satisfied with that.

Only when they were both heaving heavily and stopped for a much needed break, the silence was finally broken.

“First you talk about feelings, then you wake up early even though you loathe mornings, and now you join me on my run? What’s next? Want me to get you a personalized tire?” Eijun chuckled at his own words.

“Huh?”

“No seriously, should I be worried? You’re not dying are you?”

“Oi! Don’t kill me just yet! What’s wrong with me joining you once in a while? Didn’t you use to run after me and beg for my attention?”

Eijun’s face turned red as he spluttered ”I-I never begged for your attention you Tanuki! I wanted you to catch for me!”

“Same thing.” Kazuya waved his hand dismissively.

Eijun scoffed before throwing a bottle at him “Here. Before you pass out. I’m not going to drag your sorry ass back to the dorms.”

“I’m hurt! I thought we were partners.” He said while holding his chest feigning being hurt.

Eijun didn’t retort at that and only looked at him puzzled, as if the word was foreign to his ears even though Kazuya has said it before. “We should head back, get ready for morning practice.” He said, dodging Kazuya’s words completely.

Their banters never felt like walking on tightrope before but lately that’s how Kazuya felt. That if he tipped to one side even just a little, he would lose his balance and free fall to oblivion. He never knew where this invisible line between them was drawn, only knew that it’s there and only remembered its existence when it was already too late. When he already ran his mouth and said things that upset the pitcher even if he never meant to.

Partners. He used that word on the first day they met. He said it out of a whim, casually, he never was one to weigh his words or look for further meanings. He wanted to know what Eijun thought of that word, why it sounded like a taboo for him, but before he could do that he needed to figure out first.

Figure out what partner meant for Miyuki Kazuya.

The days of meaningless words and empty promises were over for them. If it won’t be genuine and real, Eijun won’t stay. He won’t entertain Kazuya’s evasiveness and Kazuya didn’t want him to. He wanted everything to have a meaning, otherwise, he’s just a fool. Building a structure with all the necessary tools but no guideline in sight, blindly hoping it would stay standing even though there were pieces on the floor he never found their purpose.

He walked just a step behind Eijun when a drop of sweat entered his line of sight, trailing down Eijun’s slender neck.

If he thought that he lost control of his mouth, nothing prepared him for the thing that happened next as he found himself touching Eijun’s skin with his fingers, shadowing the path that the sweat created.

Eijun stopped abruptly and only then Kazuya registered what he was doing. He stopped his hand but didn’t pull it from the boy as they stared at each other dumbfounded.

“Uh…” Good job Kazuya, could you sound any more pathetic?! “Dirt.”

“What?”

“You had dirt on your neck.” He said unintelligently as he recoiled his hand and averted his eyes. Feeling embarrassed for no real reason. He wasn’t even sure what forces made him do it.

Eijun looked like he was trying to parse his own thoughts, trying to figure out Kazuya’s action when the letter was still in the dark himself.

“Well that’s rare.” A voice came from the side that made the both of them jump, as if someone caught them redhanded during a robbery. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you guys.”

“Shirasu, geez. Who taught you to sneak like that?”

“I was here before you.” Shirasu raised an eyebrow at him.

“Oh.” He felt heat rising on the back of his neck at the implication.

“I’m surprised you managed to convince him to run this early.” He said to Eijun, but the pitcher was still in a stupor state and mumbled something before he excused himself, leaving the two second years to battle it out themselves.

“Couldn’t sleep.” He offered the information the other didn’t request.

“Hmm.” Shirasu cast him a glance before walking towards the dorms, and Kazuya wanted to evaporate from existence so he wouldn’t have to face this awkwardness. He groaned internally as he felt the energy leave his body rapidly, it was only the beginning of the day and he didn’t want to know what else was in store for him.

*****

“Miyuki, what do you think about what coach said the other day?”

“That he’s right, we suck.”

“HEY! You don’t have to say it like that you jerk! Of course we would suck, the third years are gone and we need to build this team all over again.”

“HE’S RIGHT MIYUKI!” Zono strolled into their classroom with Kawakami.

“So noisy!” Kazuya groaned, still feeling the tiredness from the lack of sleep and his early run, regretting his choices as usual.

“Well what are we going to do about it?! We need to do something about it!!!”

“Okay! Okay! Stop screaming already! Do you have any suggestions or all you’re going to do is nag me all morning?”

“Well… we-we should train everyday on our batting?” Zono said.

“Isn’t that what we already do?” Kawakami pointed out looking a little bit useless for not offering anything else.

“UGH! This is the worst! The main tournament is just two weeks away, we can’t afford to stay like this, we don’t even know who we’re up against.” Kuramochi said in despair.

“We won’t stay like this.” Kazuya said with confidence, knowing exactly how everything will play out “I’m sure we’ll get to test this team again soon, before it’s time for the main tournament.”

“How can you be so sure?” Kuramochi narrowed his eyes, seemingly trying to read his mind and Kazuya could only imagine his reaction if he only knew.

“Let’s call it gut feeling.” He smirked at Kuramochi.

“You’re the worst!”

“Thank you~”

“THAT WASN’T- ARGH!” He huffed and turned around while Zono and Kawakami left the class, uncertain of their team’s fate.

While Kazuya wanted to help them he knew there wasn’t a lot they could do at this point but continue practicing and get experience by actually playing.

Besides, his mind is in a different place, thinking about stupid things. He had a much bigger problem that no amount of practice time could solve.

Let this day end! He thought, while selfishly hoping that he wouldn’t have to talk to a certain southpaw pitcher.

*****

The last few days have been a challenge for Kazuya.

Without counting the amount of pressure he had as the team’s captain, and the extra practice he did, there was something that kept him on edge every single moment.

When Kuramochi asked he told him that he was imagining things, but he knew deep down that he was, in fact, avoiding Eijun just like he was being accused of.

It wasn’t on purpose, but every time he saw the pitcher he got flustered and scrambled away, pretending to be busy with something else. He wasn’t even aware he was doing it until a few teammates started to raise their eyebrows in his direction.

Until now, he was chasing Eijun like a hunter does his prey and that was already a weird behavior to most of the people who knew who Kazuya was. Now that he’s acting like he’s on the run he could see the questions on the tip of their tongues.

The only one who wasn’t nagging him about his odd behavior was the person behind its cause.

Kazuya might have thought that Eijun wasn’t aware that he was avoiding him if it weren’t for the quick glances the pitcher sent his way throughout the day and especially because he was acting this way and not confronting Kazuya, he couldn’t stop with his avoidance. For some reason, he felt like he would be too exposed, like he would lose if he were the one to break this suspense first.

So he kept avoiding in hopes that it won’t ruin their battery or worse, their already fragile relationship. It was a stupid hope but he was too confused by everything that it was his last resort.

When he chased and bothered Eijun, he didn’t really care for appearances since he had a clear goal in mind. He knew why he was doing what he’s doing. This however, made his brain go into overdrive. He couldn’t find any good reason for wanting to touch Eijun but lately that’s all he’s been thinking about and even when he’s not, his body doesn’t get the memo and he ends up doing it anyways.

It’s not like he never touched Eijun before. He used to put his arm around the pitcher all the time in the past, and the letter used to get all up in his space like he never heard of the concept of boundaries. This was different. This sort of touch was something else, and it made him feel odd things. Things he didn’t want to dwell on.

He was walking towards the dining hall and his mind was so preoccupied that as soon as he entered the room unconsciously his hard gaze fell immediately upon Eijun’s who choked on his food in response.

Shit.

Feeling overwhelmed, he went to stand in line for food, tuning out the conversation between Eijun and the firsts years, that sat next him, which was getting louder by the second.

As he took his food he willed himself to look anywhere but at Eijun, and chose to sit in the spot farthest from him, which didn’t go unnoticed by Kuramochi who decided to tactlessly stare at the two of them. Probably making up scenarios in his mind as to what transpired between them. He could think whatever he wants because Kazuya sure wasn’t going to provide any information. He only hoped that Shirasu wasn’t into gossip.

Why is it so fucking awkward?! He groaned internally as he held his head with his hands.

Just a few days ago they held hands as if it was nothing, and now they act like two middle schoolers over a slight touch. Or more accurately, Kazuya is the one who’s acting like one. He was sure that Eijun only reacted this way because it was the first time in days that Kazuya dared to look at him and he was probably startled.

Kazuya knew he was making a big deal out of nothing and the more he continues the more it will be difficult to stop thinking about it. He stared at his food and felt too tired for eating, too tired for thinking, too tired for this day and all days to come.

He sighed in defeat and let his head fall completely onto the table. Letting himself rest for a few moments before he’ll have to go do what he knew he must.

When he felt he was ready he raised his head, took a steady breath and whispered subconsciously “Oshi.”

“Oshi, Oshi.”

He felt his heart stop as he whipped his head to his left to find Eijun staring at him with an amused expression, already fighting against his body that wanted to abort and run away out of sheer embarrassment.

Eijun cleared his throat “Are you… avoiding me?”

“No?” He answered too fast.

The pitcher tilted his head at the question like answer before he rubbed the back of his head sheepishly “Oh… well, I was avoiding you.” He said with a guilty look.

“You were?”

“Yes… sorry. I don’t know why I did, it’s stupid really. I didn’t mean to.”

He was so perplexed that it took him a few minutes to even produce a sound. “Don’t worry.” Kazuya you’re a coward, he lectured himself for using Eijun’s admission as a way out for his own actions.

“Okay.” Eijun smiled at him, relief apparent in his eyes “So, what are we up to?”

“Huh?”

“You were just pumping yourself up, I thought you might be up to something.” He chuckled, undoubtedly thinking about Kazuya’s imitation of Eijun’s cheer.

Kazuya’s felt the burn of his cheeks and knew Kuramochi will never let him live it down if he heard of this.

“Nothing really- I was thinking of the intrasquad against the third years.” He lied through his teeth, praying that Eijun will forget his little cheering.

“Oh! Right, it’s tomorrow. Time sure flies huh? I can’t believe it’s almost time to say goodbye again.” He whispered the last part.

“Yeah… it’s weird.”

“So what about the game?”

That’s what you get for lying stupid, think! “Wait, let me put away my tray, we shouldn’t talk about this here.”

It was too easy to forget that they know what is about to happen, or potentially happen, and he didn’t want anyone to be privy of their conversations when they might mention things that would be hard to explain.

“I’ll wait for you outside then.”

Kazuya went as slow as he could to put his tray away while thinking of what to say to save himself from a situation he unintentionally put himself in. He could’ve just told the truth, be honest like Eijun, instead he chose to lie. Again. In the past he never necessarily lied, only evaded telling the truth by outsmarting everyone, but nowadays he can’t help but lie. It became his new mask, one that he hoped would last a little bit longer before it all explodes in his face.

When he went outside he thought he heard Eijun singing or humming, but it was a fleeting moment and he wasn’t sure if it was a figment of his imagination. Whether it was or wasn’t, he liked that sound and wished to hear it again.

Then he came back to his senses and felt embarrassed for adding more materials for his latest agony.

“Ready to go?” He asked Eijun and started walking towards school just a tad faster than the pitcher so he won’t see his face.

“Well, lay it on me.”

“I thought about two things.” I came up with a minute ago but you don’t have to know that…

Eijun nodded and waited for him to continue.

“The first is obvious to me, but I want to know where you stand…”

“Okay?”

“Last time you only started at the end of the game, even if the coach added a few more innings it wasn’t the same, the pressure was half way gone. I thought- well I wanted to know if you would like to get started sooner.”

Eijun eyebrows furrowed in thought, lips turning slightly downwards “It’s not about what I want… I wanted to last time and you know where it led to. It’s not my choice.”

“But it could be mine.”

“What do you mean?”

“Remember last time? Coach said that I’m in charge of the team during that game. Meaning I get a say more than usually.”

“So you’re saying that you’ll ask me to get up on the mound sooner and that the coaches won’t intervene?”

“Basically, yes. Only if you want to… I don’t want to force you to do something you’re uncomfortable with.”

“I’m not uncomfortable. I can pitch now… not like I used to but, it’s not like in the past. I can stand on the mound…”

“But?”

“No but.” Eijun said quietly while looking at the ground.

Kazuya may be socially inadequate at most times but he started to learn this new Eijun and he knew that something was wrong. He stopped walking and waited for Eijun to look at him.

“Talk to me. This is exactly what we said we would do. I can’t guess what you’re thinking…”

Eijun frown deepened and a flash of hurt reflected in his eyes, something that was rooted deep within the pitcher. Something dark.

“I don’t want us to fight… it’s better not to talk.”

“No.” Kazuya insisted “You know that when we don’t talk and ignore things it only ends up worse.” He felt like a hypocrite for saying that after ignoring Eijun for days but he needed to know what bothered him, so he decided to push after all “We won’t fight.”

Eijun looked at the ground again and Kazuya hated it more than he hated the hateful look Eijun gave him when they first came back. Because then, at least he was looking at Kazuya. Now, he found that the pitcher often preferred to avoid his eyes and that was a painful revelation. He wanted those golden eyes on him, anger, happiness or sadness, he didn’t care. He just wanted to see them.

After a few moments Eijun finally looked at him “I just thought that… that if what you say is true then last time you didn’t even want me on the mound even though you had the chance to ask for me. I- well I don’t know why it hurts me now, it’s not like I didn’t know before… it’s just- I- I don’t know…” his shoulder sagged in defeat of a war he battled against for years. It was a foundation of endless teasing, mistrust, abandonment. Things Kazuya wished he would have realized sooner, though he knew that maybe even if he knew… nothing would have changed. Not really.

He wanted to apologize but couldn’t. It wasn’t right for him to ask for Eijun’s forgiveness after all this time. He was right, at that time in the past Kazuya didn’t want Eijun on the mound. Not because he didn’t want to play with him, but because he was worried. Worried about the chance of tearing Eijun’s final rope that held him to this sport.

“I can’t change the choices of my past but I can choose different this time. That’s what I want to do and if you say you can, that’s what we’ll do.” He said honestly.

Eijun nodded and inhaled deeply before regaining his posture.

“Feel Better?”

“Yes. Much better. Who would’ve thought that you had it in you, you almost look like a proper captain now.” He chuckled and a Kazuya pushed him lightly and tried not to focus on the warmth that he felt through Eijun’s shirt.

He studied Eijun’s expression and looked for any signs that the pitcher might be hiding something else but only saw him relaxed and Kazuya couldn’t help but admire his strength again. How no matter what happens Eijun always bounced back. It wasn’t a simple thing to pull yet despite everything he managed to do it times and times again. Kazuya wished he could learn how to do that, how to continue pushing when everything around you demanded that you stay still, that you succumb to despair. If Eijun is there I might pull it off too.

“What is the second thing?” Eijun asked, significantly more energetic than seconds ago.

“Oh, uh... I was wondering if we should tell the team about coach Kataoka, before the game against the senpais.”

“That he’s planning to leave?”

“Yes. Last time they found out in the middle of the game and it was a little bit discouraging. Also, Kuramochi wanted to kill me and I have a feeling this time he might actually do it.”

Eijun laughed and grinned at Kazuya “I won’t let him.” Cute. Wha- “but I don’t know if it’s a good idea to tell them now. They might ask how we know, they might feel even more discouraged and it could backfire on us.” The pitcher continued.

Kazuya’s brain was still processing the thoughts that popped in his head that he only stared wide eyed at Eijun, feeling the heat creeping up his face.

“Miyuki?”

“Uh… No-Yes! You’re right!”

“Right... Are you okay?” Eijun asked with raised eyebrows.

“Yup, fantastic! Glad we agree on everything, see you later!” He shot the words in quick succession while started to speed walking towards the school gates, leaving an amused pitcher behind.

*****

When Kazuya headed towards field A knowing what awaits he couldn’t help but groan, feeling the lack of sleep heavy on his shoulders. He didn’t sleep at all last night but not for the reasons that usually kept him awake. He was too preoccupied by a certain golden eyed pitcher who popped uninvited to his mind when he closed his eyes.

He managed to avoid Eijun all day yesterday, but only the physical form of Eijun, his brain managed to provide an almost perfect replica in his vision just to torture him.

He doesn’t want to venture to this territory, that’s not what he should be doing. He got the chance to fix things not destroy them by different means. Eijun just managed to get back some of the positivity he used to have when he first joined Seidou and Kazuya didn’t want anything to overshadow that energy.

As Kazuya got closer he could hear the screams that mainly came from Isashiki Jun and he’s excess energy. Oh, it’s too early for my ears…

“Miyuki.”

“Yes, coach?”

“I’ll be the umpire so you’re in charge of coaching the team.”

“Sir, do I get to choose who pitch and when?”

Kataoka raised an eyebrow at Kazuya’s request “Do as you see fit.” He said with something that Kazuya would count as a smile in his book.

“Yes, sir.”

After the team gathered in the dugout it was time for their offense to go first. Kazuya instructed Furuya to warm before they’re up and went to stand next to Eijun.

“Make sure you’re ready but pace yourself. I’ll call the switch around the 5th inning.”

“Are you sure?” Eijun said with a doubtful look.

“Trust me?”

“Always.” The pitcher huffed and gave a soft smile.

“YEAH!” They both turned to look at Tanba who screamed after their successful defense.

“I missed this.” Eijun whispered.

“Maybe just a little.”

Kazuya turned to the dugout exit and signaled Furuya to come. “This is our chance to use the senpais’ time to work on what we need. Let’s go all out!” He told his team.

“Hyahaha Miyuki, since when did you become the inspirational leader?”

“Since I have useless vice captains that make me do all the work!”

“HAH?! Wanna say that again??”

“Let’s go already.” Shirasu pushed them onto the field and before Kazuya headed towards the home plate he looked behind his shoulder and nodded at Eijun who received the message and waved at him in return.

*****

The first inning went as expected and the only difference was Furuya who seemed to be more fired up than last time, Kazuya didn’t want him to burn out early but he knew that Furuya needs a certain drive to deliver what he got, otherwise he stays lukewarm and it’s hard to pull him out from a bad start. Besides, this time around he doesn’t need to shoulder everything, he has a solid back support and Kazuya in the past weeks had made sure to be watchful of his tendencies to push to the limit. Even if his ultimate goal had to do with Eijun, he wasn’t about to neglect everything else for the sake of said goal. He already made that mistake in the past, and he knew Eijun wouldn’t appreciate it.

When they finished the top 2nd inning Kazuya already recognized the tension that unfolded in the dugout. He took a deep breath and steeled himself for the barrages of questions that were about to fall upon him.

As soon as he entered the dugout Kuramochi confronted him.

“You knew about this didn’t you? About coach leaving after the Fall Tournament?” Kazuya’s eyebrows shot up at the accusation. It was completely different from last time, it almost seemed as if Kuramochi knew something and Kazuya felt too put on the spot. One wrong word and this entire situation will go down the drain. He wrecked his brain in those seconds, trying to remember what he said last time when he felt a presence on his side.

“I told him.” Eijun said, and everyone was shocked by his declaration, including Kazuya who only stared at the scene like a bystander. “I overheard some things a few days ago… I wasn’t sure about it so I decided to share it with Miyuki and asked him not to tell anyone until I knew all the facts. Sorry, I never meant to hide it from you guys but I really wasn’t sure…”

The suspicious aura from Kuramochi immediately evaporated “Oh, don’t worry… I get it. It was the right choice” he sighed “I think it’s true though, from things I’ve heard… what should we do?”

They all looked at Kazuya as if he had all the answers. That was the thing he never got used to and hated the most. He knew it was out of trust but Kazuya was just a regular member like the rest of them, he was confused and doubtful just like everyone else, and apparently not as mentally strong as he though he was after all the events that happened in the last few weeks.

He felt a hand on his back, a much needed quiet support that let the tension in his shoulders disperse and allowed him to breathe normally. It grounded him in ways no other thing could. You kept your promise, like always.

“The only thing we can do now is play our best. We don’t have all the details and it wouldn’t do us any good to just stand here and speculate. Today, we play and learn, tomorrow, we figure out what is going on and work together to fix it.”

“Miyuki’s right. The senpais took their time to help us get better and we should show our gratitude by giving everything we got. It’s their last game here.” Zono added with a seriousness that was rare for the baseman to show.

The team seemed to agree as they headed towards the field for their turn of defense.

Kazuya wanted to stay next to Eijun and express how much what he did meant to him but knew he had to go and lead, remembering Yuuki’s words of wisdom of how the captain should be. He decided that although he couldn’t stay and use his words to convey his feelings, he could go out there and show it with his actions. Prepare the stage for his pitcher.

As the match continued the entire team put their best foot forward. Even though Kazuya told them to go all out he didn’t mean they should do it recklessly. He knew the senpais like no other team could and used that information to the team’s benefit. He might not be the type of captain whose voice is the loudest or most encouraging, but he could carry the team through his tactics and that’s how he decided to lead.

When they entered the top 5th inning he felt the excitement already overtake his being as he approached the pitcher whom he wanted to play with the most.

“Sawamura, you’re up.” He smirked at him.

Just as Eijun was about to answer with a smile of his own, Yamaguchi voiced his opinion with other second years backing him.

“Oi Miyuki are you sure that’s a good idea?”

Kazuya’s smile turned sour in seconds, feeling his hackles rise “Is there a problem?”

“Well… you know how Sawamura is lately.” The whole dugout turned their heads to Eijun who immediately froze under their scrutiny.

He remembered Eijun’s words from days ago ‘I don’t belong on this team’ and something in him threatened to burst.

“Were you not present in the match against Seishou?”

“But that was pure luck! His condition might get worse if we throw him out there against the senpais.”

“Luck?” He sneered “If the way he played in that game was pure luck and he actually was 300% better than you did that day, it means that without his luck he’s 200% still better than you!”

Eijun snapped his head and stared at Kazuya in surprise while the others gaped at him for making a comment like that on a fellow teammate.

Just before he let the anger within him leak out and ruin everything the team had worked for Kuramochi stood between them and said in a menacing voice to everyone “You heard him. If you have a problem then fuck off this field!” When no one answered he turned to Eijun and put his arm around his shoulders “What are we waiting for Bakamura, let’s go!”

“R-Right!”

Kazuya trailed after them and ignored the glare that Yamaguchi sent his way, he couldn’t care less about anyone but Eijun at the moment. He told him yesterday that he can’t change past choices but he could choose differently this time and he would. Starting now.

He met with Eijun on the mound and waited for everyone around them to go into positions while thinking of ways to cheer the pitcher and distract him from what happened in the dugout.

“I’m fine.” Eijun said and put his gloved hand against Kazuya’s chest protector “I’ll follow your lead.”

“You got it partner.” He said absentmindedly, but once the word left his mouth it solidified to something different than any of the times he said that word, and this time Eijun didn’t falter by Kazuya’s voice uttering words of promises they never saw through, only nodded with determination clear in his eyes.

For Kazuya, that moment was a win sweeter than the outcome of the current match.

*****

Eveything went well, better than that even, and Eijun proved his abilities every time his fingers grazed the ball, every single strike, every batter he prevented from standing on base. The satisfaction of seeing their faces was something Kazuya never knew he needed. He felt proud of Eijun for not only pitching perfectly but also for standing there when everyone doubted him and Eijun followed his calls just like he said he would.

Everything went well until they announced a pinch hitter.

When he saw who’s coming he felt his body seize in apprehension. It never happened to him before but lately he’s been having all sorts of reactions every time he saw that person.

When Chris entered the batter’s box, Kazuya saw him sharing a knowing look with Eijun and it made him even more uncomfortable. He wanted to ask for a timeout just to remind Eijun that he should keep his eyes on him and to stop being distracted. He shook his head slightly as he realized he’s being unreasonable and held himself back.

When he saw Eijun’s gaze on him, having a small smile that spoke of secrets he wasn’t part of, he snapped. Screw that. He thought as he signaled for three inside pitches, difficult pitches he knew Chris wouldn’t dare to bat at.

When they struck him out he felt smug for showing Chris that it’s his territory now. His battery.

The smugness soon left his face as he glanced upwards and saw that Chris was staring at him with an amused expression. He frowned at that and felt too exposed for some reason, he wished that the catcher’s mask was completely closed so the third year couldn’t see whatever it is he’s looking for.

“Aggressive.” Chris murmured before he turned towards the dugout and only after he left Kazuya released the air in his lungs but the foul mood has already took root and for the rest of the game, although they worked just fine, he couldn’t meet the pitcher’s eyes and pretended that nothing was wrong even when Eijun came to him in the dugout.

It was many little things that kept accumulating and now spilled through Kazuya’s fingers uncontrollably. Frustration and confusion kept tackling him at every corner and he couldn’t handle that. Just like that, he started to close in before he lost himself to something he still couldn’t name.

When the match ended he went to his room and closed himself to the outside world. Praying that tomorrow’s Kazuya would be able to deal with everything he wished to lock away.

*****

After Kazuya returned from the Main Tournament Drawing he felt the weirdness of this situation all over again. It was like replaying the same movie again and again, and even though things have changed most of them remained the same. He wasn’t sure if he was relieved by that or not, he only hoped that one outcome wouldn’t be repeated and all his focus was on that alone.

It was easier said than done when the subject of his thoughts was the only person he couldn’t talk to at the moment. He was avoiding Eijun again, and this time he didn’t think that the pitcher would approach first. That meant he needed to work his shit out before he spoke to him. What would he say? I was avoiding you because I don’t like that you keep secrets from me? I don’t like when you do it with Chris? Why was he so fixated on that in the first place was something that alluded him.

He was heading towards the vending machine when he heard voices. He got closer and held his breath, felt tremors in his body by what he was listening in to.

“Why don’t you switch to throwing sidearm?” Ochiai?

“Huh?”

“Instead of overworking your arm here, you should become a batting-practice pitcher for your team. You’re not worth more right now anyway.”

“That’s an interesting offer but… I’m too stupid to pull off a sidearm throw.”

“At least you’re aware.”

Kazuya heard shuffling and hid behind the vending machines as Ochiai exited and walked away.

What… was that? He couldn’t believe what he accidentally overheard. He was too shocked to move when he listened in but now he had to hold onto the vending machine to stop himself from chasing the coach and do god knows what. He wasn’t a violent person in nature but ever since he came back in time many things have changed, this could be one of them.

When he saw Eijun exiting the indoor facility he followed him with hurried steps but kept his distance.

When they reached field B Eijun stopped and turned to look at him.

“Done avoiding me?”

“What?” Kazuya faltered

“Are you going to pretend you didn’t avoid me just like last time?”

“So I was caught after all…”

“Miyuki, you’re a terrible liar did you know that?” Eijun crossed his arms.

“Sorry…”

“Never mind that. I know you want to say something so just say it.”

Kazuya scratched his head, not knowing how to address the subject without getting upset “Why didn’t you tell him anything? Why did you let him speak to you that way?”

“Because I’m used to it already. What? You think that’s the first time I’m hearing these things from him? Please, I heard worse.”

“That’s not okay! You should stand for yourself!”

“I don’t feel like it. What would I say anyway? I’m in no position to lecture a coach and we both know it.”

Kazuya remained silent and clenched his fists, he knew Eijun was right but it didn’t make it okay. This kind of treatment is exactly what pushed Eijun away, and he was supposed to help him but he didn’t know how.

Eijun sighed and got closer to Kazuya

“Besides… I thought of a different way to send him a message. Thought you might be interested.” He said mischievously.

At Eijun’s tone his interest peaked, falling easily to old habits “What way?”

Eijun grinned and raised his palm spreading five fingers.

Kazuya huffed in disbelief before he let his signature smirk take shape on his face. There’s no stopping you… “I’m in.”

“Think we can make it before the match against Teito?”

“Oh, we will.”

Kazuya might not be able to protect or shelter him from all the negativity that persisted to seek out Eijun, but he could support him on the way and be there when he falls.

After days of uncertainty, a silver of clarity in the shape of the sun made the crack in his walls less scary, coloring them with gold.

Chapter Text

“I can’t wait to see Ochiai’s face when he sees this!” Eijun said with a bounce in his steps.

“As long as you do it after you throw the ball, I don’t want to get hit in the face.”

“When did I ever hit you in the face?!”

“Let’s not find out.”

“You Tanuki, this is where you usually supposed to say something good, like ׳great job’ or I ‘can’t believe you just did that’!”

“Great job, I can’t believe you just did that.” He said in a monotonous tone.

“You’re frustrating! I’ll get you to compliment me one day for real, just you wait…”

“Don’t hold your breath.” He joked, knowing that he has tons of compliments to give that he could never voice out loud.

“Miyuki Kazuya!” Eijun tackled him into Kazuya’s room and they both fell on the floor in a mess of limbs.

As Kazuya tried to get his bearings he found himself pinned down by the pitcher who was straddling him with a smug face.

“It’s nice to see you down for a change, it suits you!”

Kazuya’s face turned ten shades of red at Eijun’s words as he facepalmed the pitcher and pushed him to the floor. “Are you trying to kill me you menace?” He got up and put distance between them, feeling out of breath and jittery.

Eijun laughed and settled on his bed and opened one of Kazuya’s notes. Seeing him casually laying there made Kazuya squirm, it’s not something new but after the last few days it wasn’t good for his heart. For some reasons.

Despite that, he didn’t tell the pitcher to move. Looking at Eijun like this felt nostalgic and comforting in a way even though it made his lower belly warm. He thought back on the last few months of his third year, how they stopped hanging out as much as they used to because everyone was busy. He was busy, and he neglected their friendship, a kindled fire that dimmed day by day. Before that, Eijun used to be in his room all the time and only now he could acknowledge how much he missed it. 

Kazuya sat by his desk and went through Teitou’s players stats but when he thought of their southpaw sidearm pitcher he couldn’t really concentrate after the conversation he heard earlier that day.

“Is that why last time you suggested to change to sidearm? Because of what Ochiai told you?”

Eijun looked surprised at the topic “More or less…” He said while playing with the note’s pages “When he said that, I really felt like I had nothing to contribute and I wanted to be of use for the team, and no, I wasn’t aware of the consequences. That it could’ve ruin my form, I just wanted to know I’m doing my part. I wanted to help.”

“I don’t understand how he could say something like that… and how you forgave him. You never seemed hostile towards him afterwards.”

“Because if I start there, where does it ends? If I hate him does it mean I need to hate everyone on the team that made similar comments? Does it mean I need to hate myself for thinking like him? Besides, we managed to make changes in this timeline and get my inside pitch back earlier and he still made that comment. I’m starting to think that he just genuinely doesn’t like me and there’s nothing I can do about that, right?”

“I don’t know… I’m not sure I would’ve been able to let it go, I can barely let it go now.”

“I think… that my need to prove myself in the eyes of other people was stronger, and he just wasn’t part of that list.”

“Other people? Like who?”

“You know who.” Eijun picked the notes and didn’t elaborate more.

Kazuya laid his head on the desk and stared at Eijun’s profile, thinking about Eijun’s conviction and resilience. He didn’t know a lot of people who could keep going forward despite of everything and everyone. In the back of his mind he recalled what the pitcher said just a few hours ago, that he heard worse things. He couldn’t help but wonder if he was one of the people who uttered said worse things, and just like that he felt a lump in his throat as his mind wandered towards one Friday night. “You don’t need to prove yourself to me.”

“I know.”

Eijun started humming and Kazuya felt his eyelids heavy from endless exhaustion that he carried for weeks, his eyes began to shut against his will. Falling slowly into deep slumber.

*****

Kazuya was standing on the hill looking at the mound in the middle of field B. He saw two silhouettes sitting there, sharing a moment closed to the outside world.

He felt disoriented as he started walking towards them, dread creeping in with each step as the scene unfolded itself rapidly. It was him. Him and Eijun.

He wanted to turn around but his body was moving on its own, choosing for him to witness something he longed to forget.

As he got closer, his ears tried to make sense of the voices that got louder and louder. He knew the words that were exchanged but he locked them away long ago and now everything sounded like choked muffles under water.

Eijun stood up abruptly and Kazuya’s stomach dropped. He tried to scream at the Kazuya of his illusion to hold the boy, prevent him from leaving but no sound came out.

He clenched his eyes and repeated to himself that it’s not real, he’s not really here, over and over until he felt a presence in front of him.

When he opened his eyes he saw Eijun with a hurt look on his face, reaching his hand towards Kazuya’s face, saying in a tone he never wanted to hear again “Miyuki…”

Just before Eijun’s fingers touched him, Kazuya grasped his wrist and in a moment of sheer panick he jolted awake and saw a different Eijun with a concerned face.

“Miyuki…”

It was a dream. A memory turned nightmare. Again.

He released Eijun’s wrist and straighten in his chair, pulling his shaky hands between his thighs to gain any amount of control, not daring to meet Eijun’s gaze directly.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. It just… it seemed like you were having a bad dream.” Eijun said with an apologetic look.

“It’s fine.” He said in clipped tones, cursing himself for falling asleep when the other was in the room.

“Is it always like this?” Eijun asked quietly.

“Sawamura, I told you I’m fine.” Kazuya stood up and went to his closet, pretending to be doing god knows what. “It’s late.”

He could feel Eijun’s presence growing tense behind him but the pitcher didn’t make a sound for a long moment before Kazuya heard him head for the door.

“Good night.” Eijun said and closed the door without waiting for a response.

Miyuki-senpai? I- Good night…

Kazuya exhaled shakily and leaned against the closet feeling nauseous as memories invaded his mind.

“Night.”

Eijun said they managed to change things, but Kazuya started to think that some things were bound to remain the same.

*****

Kazuya woke up to the sound of rain hitting the window. Surprised that he was able to sleep at all and felt frustrated that he was tired even more than usual despite sleeping.

He closed his eyes and tried to gather himself as the rain became a comfortable white noise in the background.

He started to question if he would ever dare to ask Eijun to tell him the words he left unsaid that night. Would it give him comfort and release if he knew, or would it make everything tenfold harder. Kazuya was aware that his guarded reaction yesterday won’t help him make the case that Eijun could trust him. The pitcher always told him the truth whenever he asked uncomfortable questions but he couldn’t do the same.

It was agonizing because for all it’s worth he did want to tell Eijun everything. Lay down the ugliest parts of his being in front of the golden eyed boy and hope that he would hold those parts close to heart. But his wants meant nothing when his actions screamed the opposite. He couldn’t, and maybe part of him already begun to believe that he shouldn’t anyway.

He felt his phone buzzing and when he reached to his phone he almost dropped it out of surprise. It was only a single message but the sender of it was what made him react that way.

Kazuya stared at the screen and debated the consequences of opening the message. If he read it he might get upset by its content, if he won’t he will think about it all day. Two options that led to the same result, his day will be thoroughly ruined.

With a heavy sigh he opened the text and was rendered speechless. He didn’t account for a third option, of him being more confused than anything that happened to him as of late.

His eyebrows creased in thought as he tried to make sense of the current events. When he made his mind to change things with Eijun, it was mainly contained to baseball. Or so he thought. Could there be some kind of shift for every change they make that could potentially affect other aspects of their lives? If so, could he handle those changes?

He clenched the phone so hard his knuckles turned white but all he could do was focus on staying in the moment, scared of having a panic attack or anything that would prevent him from functioning as usual.

With a last squeeze to his poor old phone he decided that if he can’t make sense of it, there’s no point to dwell for now. He had stuff to do, places to be, this isn’t the time for a breakdown.

Kazuya got up and got ready for the day and hoped that nothing else would throw him out of balance. It was a futile hope, but what else could he do when he felt like drowning in a sea of mud.

He glanced at the window and for the first time he felt that the rain was only making it worse. So he dared to hope for another thing, for the sun to come out for just a few minutes so he could find his way back to the shore.

*****

Kazuya couldn’t concentrate in class, as he kept fidgeting with everything he came to touch with while his right leg bounced viciously, making noises every now and then which bothered everyone in class and especially annoyed Kuramochi who sat in front of him and felt every movement like a small earthquake.

When the teacher was busy with the board Kuramochi turned around and hissed “Will you stop that?! I swear I’m going to choke you when this class is over.”

“Sorry.” He said without even meaning it which made Kuramochi even more pissed.

“Does it have something to do with Bakamura?”

It was an innocent question, but Kazuya’s body went rigid, stopping all motion as he gaped at his friend. “Why are you bringing him up?”

“I don’t know. Maybe because yesterday he returned to our room looking like a kicked puppy.”

“So you immediately assume it’s my fault?”

“Miyuki, are you for real? Who else would it be? He doesn’t hang out with anybody but you lately.” Kuramochi glanced towards his teacher and once he decided it was safe continued “Whatever it is, make sure you fix it. We have a match to win tomorrow. Besides… you look just as miserable.”

“It has nothing to do with Sawamura!” He hissed back, feeling irritated at the insinuation.

“Whatever man! Stop shaking your leg it’s giving me a fucking headache.”

“At least now we know your head is still intact!”

“You- just you wait you jerk.” He scowled and turned in his sit, but even though the conversation was over Kazuya kept replaying it in his mind. Eijun, Kuramochi, baseball… he just couldn’t catch a break.

He messed his hair with his hands and started shaking his leg again which made Kuramochi explode from his seat and grab at Kazuya’s collar.

It didn’t last long, as they both were punished to go clean the dirtiest room Kazuya had ever seen and if anyone will ask what happened today, he will blame Kuramochi for everything just out of spite.

*****

The rain didn’t let up even after school which meant they had to gather at the gym. They wouldn’t be practicing today anyway, but the coach wanted to announce the starters for tomorrow among other things that Kazuya was mostly tuning out.

He couldn’t really do anything while standing, so he opted to clench the phone in his pocket as an outlet for his nerves.

He remembered this same day in his timeline, when he decided that his goal was to take the coach to Koshien so he wouldn’t leave. Now, he felt weird about it and even angry that the coach wanted to leave instead of fighting with them to see it through. He shook his head as he realized he was trying to find a rational argument to be upset at anything at this point. He used to do that a lot when he was younger, rationalizing everything that happened to him even when sometimes the reasons weren’t definitive. Sometimes shit happened for no reason at all, and looking at signs to prove otherwise was a lost battle.

When the announcement was over he didn’t hurry to leave. Even if they were supposed to rest the day before the game, he knew that rest was running away from him as his body was still full of unused energy.

He looked around just in time to see Eijun walking towards him and he winced as he wasn’t expecting the confrontation to happen so soon. It seemed that Eijun took notice of that as his step faltered for a second before he advanced slowly.

“Hey… You should talk with Furuya.”

Kazuya blinked as his brain short circuited at the unexpected topic before he found his voice “Furuya? What about?”

“About the weather. It’s going to rain tomorrow remember? You should make sure he understands to keep himself warmed up in case they will stop the game again. Even if the coach just said that, I don’t think he was listening if what happened last time was any indication for that.”

His eyes widened at Eijun’s words and he looked around to see if anyone was listening but realized the indoor facility was mostly empty at this point. He remembered the game against Teitou and he had to make sure that Eijun understood the possible outcome of such intervention “But… If I tell him that, then…”

“Then what?”

“Then there might be a chance you won’t get to play. Remember? Coach only called the switch because Furuya couldn’t handle the rain.”

“Miyuki...” He had a disbelief look that soon turned to disappointment “This isn’t about me, it’s about the team. Don’t… Furuya is your pitcher too. With the information we have we should help him out, don’t tell me you plan to abandoned him like you did me?”

“What?! Of course not!” Kazuya felt defensive at the accusation. He did nothing but smother Furuya ever since they came back, but he did make a promise to himself to get Eijun on the mound as much as possible and he didn’t know how he could balance both. “I just…”

Eijun shoulder slumped but the conviction in his eyes was there all the same “Look, I get it. I want to stand on the mound just as much as any other pitcher on this team. Maybe even more… but not at the cost of another teammate, of my friend. It wouldn’t be right.”

Kazuya felt ashamed for making Eijun think that he would sacrifice Furuya just to reach his goals which was far from the truth. But wasn’t that the issue to begin with? He never opened up to Eijun about anything, only pushed him to do what he felt was right without really explaining. Maybe Eijun was right and he has used all of his emotional availability that night when they argued. Or maybe it’s time for him to change that too. “No it wouldn’t. You’re right, I did warn him last time but… I’ll make sure he gets it this time.”

“Good. We’re still doing it today?”

“Yeah, let’s do it after dinner.”

“Okay.”

When he looked at Eijun’s receding back he thought of the weight in his pocket. Maybe he could start there, an opening which he could close easily if he felt too much.

Somewhere within him, he had a feeling it wouldn’t happen. Eijun did make him feel too much but in a different way. He never truly judged Kazuya no matter how many times he fucked up when it came to the pitcher. Wasn’t that a solid proof that he could reach out and take his hand? If he was searching for a lifeline he had to start reaching his hand to the unknown otherwise he would stay in the same dark spot, and that, that was scarier than anything else.

*****

When evening came and everyone was doing their own pregame routines, Eijun and Kazuya headed to the indoor facility. Surprisingly, no one else was there, he assumed that they took advantage that rain had let up to practice outside. Whatever the reasons he was glad to have the space for themselves.

In the past he found it an hassle most of the time, practicing this late, but now after a day full of things he couldn’t control or understand, this was a welcomed activity. Especially with the person he was doing it with.

After playing catch for an hour it was time to wrap it up as they knew they had an important game tomorrow. Even if they knew the results, Kazuya wouldn’t chance it now that he knows that things have changed whether it was by their hands or not.

As they gathered their equipment and exited the facility Kazuya stopped in his tracks. When Eijun looked at him in question he found it hard to articulate words and just hoped that the pitcher could see it in his eyes as they stared at each other for a moment. Eijun did, and followed Kazuya towards the hill just above field B.

For a moment, he felt the air leave his lungs as if someone punched him in his gut as he remembered the nightmare from the day before. But he knew he couldn’t give up here so instead of heading towards that spot, he sat at top of the stairs and waited for his company to do the same.

They sat there in quiet but it was lighter than he had anticipated. He didn’t feel pressured as Eijun sat next to him and looked at the sky, humming silently a comforting tune that helped Kazuya’s nerves subside. He fished his pocket for his phone and turned it around in his hands, clenching and unclenching, motions that helped him push through his walls and reach for that hand.

“My dad sent me a text this morning.” Eijun tilted his head in question to this piece of information so he decided to offer another “He never does.”

“Oh.” Eijun straightened, giving Kazuya his full attention. “What did it say?”

“He wished me… good luck with the tournament.”

“That’s nice. I’m sure he’s proud of you.” He smiled something genuine and for some reason it upset him.

Kazuya scoffed “You don’t know a thing.”

Eijun’s smile fell and his lips slightly curled downwards “Well it’s not like you tell me stuff so how would I know? Why are you picking up a fight?”

Kazuya deflated and leaned his forehead on the palm that held the phone, feeling winded from a single stupid text message “I’m not. I just- I don’t know what to make of this. He never texted me before in the past so why now? What am I supposed to send back?” He looked at Eijun then, seeking for answers he couldn’t find on his own.

“You don’t ‘supposed’ to do anything. There’re no rules to that…”

“I don’t want to send anything back.” The sound of his voice was foreign to his ears, but Eijun didn’t falter and he knew he reached that hand at last.

“Then don’t.”

“It can’t be that simple…”

“But it is. It’s really that simple. There’s only so much we can give of ourselves to others, and it’s your choice alone to make of who you want to give it to. No one can take that power away from you.” Eijun reached for the hand that clenched the phone and as soon as that warmth coursed through his body he let his fingers loose a bit, releasing the tension from his knuckles.

He looked down at the point of contact. He shared his doubts and nothing happened. He didn’t die and the world didn’t collapse. It was that simple. “I lied. You do know, more than anybody…” Kazuya muttered but he knew the pitcher heard him when he felt a squeeze on his hand.

When he looked at Eijun he saw his smile and he couldn’t help but smile in return. Eijun didn’t say anything else, letting Kazuya be the one in control and Kazuya appreciated it.

Then Kazuya realized that at least one hope came through today. The sun did appear after all.

*****

They were getting out of the bus and the amount of people who decided to attend the match despite the rain reminded Kazuya of how much he loved the sport. He was in much higher spirits than he has been for the last few weeks, and he couldn’t wait to crouch behind home plate.

He saw Eijun standing just in front of the entrance to the stadium, biting his nails with a worried look.

“Don’t tell me you’re already nervous.” He tried to rile him up to elevate some of the stress that was apparent on the pitcher’s face but it didn’t seem to work as Eijun didn’t even show any sign that he was listening.

With a sigh he put his hand on Eijun’s shoulder and squeezed it in reassurance. “You’ve got this, and don’t forget that we have a trick up our sleeve…”

“What?” Eijun looked at him in confusion.

“I said, you don’t need to be nervous.”

“I’m not nervous.” He said in a calm tone that seemed too genuine for Eijun to fake.

“What is it then? You had this look on your face…”

“Oh…” Eijun turned his head to the side “I thought I saw… Never mind. It’s nothing really.” He looked back at Kazuya and smiled.

Before Kazuya could interrogate Haruichi called them and they made their way towards the dugout.

The atmosphere in the dugout was tense as they had a lot of stakes on this tournament.

As Kazuya was putting his gear on he looked at the opposite dugout and thought how lucky he was to play against that battery again. He remembered Inui’s skills when they played against the Americans and he was excited to see him again. Kazuya might have even liked to work with Mukai but that pitcher’s personality is too much for him to handle so he’ll leave it for imagination and deal with his own troublesome pitchers.

He already spoke with Furuya on the bus and he even made sure the pitcher brought additional shirts so nothing would be in their way this time. Although, he was glad to have the chance to support Furuya better, he couldn’t stop feeling conflicted as his true feelings craved for something else. 

He chanced a glance at Eijun, who was getting ready to warm up, and saw him staring at the stands, looking for something or someone.

Kazuya tried to follow his line of sight but thanks to his amazing genetics he couldn’t really see anything distinctive, only a mass of people that all looked the same from where he stood.

“If that Mukai guy pitch as we saw in the tape it’s going to be a tough battle.” Kuramochi scowled beside him.

“We’ll do as we always do. Choose a pitch to sit on, let Kominato see some pitches first I’m sure he’ll find the right timing.”

“M-me?” Haruichi was flustered and for a second Kazuya remembered that this Haruichi didn’t have much confidence in his first year, but for all the wrong reasons since he was a great batter. Which is why he should encourage him to do what he’s good at.

“Yes, you. Unless… your brother is here somewhere?” He smirked as he saw Kuramochi shiver at the suggestion.

“I’ll do my best!”

“You always do, you should have more confidence I think you’re one of the best batters on this team.”

The team stopped and stared at Kazuya and he hoped that he wasn’t blushing like he felt that he was as he wasn’t prepared for the attention.

“Miyuki giving out compliments? Is it a good sign or a bad sign? Am I awake?”

“Shut up!” He punched Kuramochi’s arm and went to grab his mask.

It’s true that in the past he wasn’t one to give encouragements or compliments without ulterior motives, which is why he couldn’t really blame them for their reaction, but he has changed a lot in the past few weeks. Whether it was a good change or not is yet to be seen but he felt that fighting against it would be counterproductive, as he wished things to be different. Different meant doing things out of his comfort zone. He could do that from time to time, the only struggle was to do it with the person he needed and wanted to do so with the most.

He headed towards the home plate as he looked one last time at Eijun who was standing in the bullpen at this point.

It wasn’t new anymore, but seeing Eijun working in silence was something he wasn’t sure he’ll ever get used to. What once they all joked about as a nuisance was now terribly missed and Kazuya could see it when they were in the dugout and even feel it when they’re on the field. No one could fill that certain gap that Eijun didn’t fill anymore.

It wasn’t Eijun’s job to be the team mascot, but Kazuya selfishly wished that he could experience his antics once more in the future, and until then, he would be grateful that at least he gets to play with the pitcher and try to fill the holes with their energy on the field.

*****

The game went on as the rain’s intensity increased, each drop hitting Kazuya’s gear in rhythm, like a ticking clock in the background of his mind as he tried to focus on anything but his wet clothes that stuck to his skin uncomfortably.

As he was thinking of the call he’ll sign next he felt movement in the dugout. He briefly looked at Kataoka and saw him speaking to Eijun while the pitcher was listening with a serious face.

It was only the 4th inning, the game did not go on break, Furuya was pitching just fine so Kazuya didn’t think there was any need for a switch. Not that he wouldn’t like it, but that wasn’t how things went last time.

He felt a shiver down his spine that wasn’t caused by the rain. Too many things are changing and the more often it would happened the more he’ll be unprepared. He wanted to change things gradually but now the ball is out there and he had no control over its trajectory.

When they finished the inning his suspicions got confirmed as Kataoka announced that Eijun will pitch in their next defense. Kazuya looked at Eijun and saw him staring at the field with a blank face, almost as if he was told he won’t get to pitch at all today despite pitching next inning. The usual excitement and energy was nowhere to be found, and although he knew that the pitcher wasn’t how he was in the past, he couldn’t help but feel there was something else that bothered Eijun.

The moment they started their defense on the 5th inning and he caught the first ball from Eijun he knew for a fact that the Eijun that is standing on the mound is not the same person who pitched to him for the last few days.

Kazuya always felt that Eijun being an emotional pitcher who uses his feelings to drive him forward was something positive and admiring, but on days like this he wondered if he was naive for thinking that. Sure, emotions could fire up not only the player himself but the entire team, but it was a double edged sword, as it could just as easily break everyone down.

His brows creased in thought as he was calculating his choices while making calls that wouldn’t cost him Eijun walking away from the mound. He blinked as raindrops gather on his lashes and tried to see Eijun’s expression before he made any hasty decision, but just as he was about to sign for the next pitch the game was stopped as the rain started falling harder. So weather is not affected by the logics of time travel… He scowled as he headed towards the dugout.

Kazuya removed his gear and changed for dry clothes while keeping his sight on Eijun who sat in a trance at the corner with unfocused eyes and a quiet demeanor.

He headed towards the pitcher and handed him a towel “Should I give you the same speech I gave Furuya earlier? You were the one talking about staying warmed up yesterday yet you sit here letting your body get cold…”

“Hm?” Eijun blinked in confusion.

Kazuya frowned and crossed his arms “Get up.”

“What?”

“I said get up, let’s do some stretches, no way you’re cooling down now after only one inning.”

“I’m not… I’m thinking about the game.”

“Think about it while moving, come on, up.” He pulled Eijun from his sitting position and moved him to the side of the dugout where they started to stretch Eijun’s arms and back.

After some bickering Eijun weaseled his way out of Kazuya’s grip and jogged towards the bullpen with Ono to keep his body warm.

“It’s nice to see you two get along again.”

Kazuya looked in surprise at Haruichi who appeared at his side “What do you mean?”

“Well… For the last few weeks it seemed like something happened between you two… but Eijun-kun refused to say anything… Now you’re almost back to how you used to be.” He said while blushing.

“I guess…” Kazuya scratched the back of his head, feeling caught by the perception of the Kominato genes.

“He missed you.”

“Somehow I doubt that.” He scoffed and hid his face.

“He did. Eijun-kun didn’t want to talk about it but he kept looking at you like he was waiting for you to say something.”

Kazuya looked at him with wide eyes and then turned his head towards the bullpen, looking at the pitcher and wondered if it was true, if Eijun, even after everything that happened between them, was still waiting for Kazuya to reach out.

“Is that some kind of payback? What did I ever do to you?” He smirked at Haruichi, knowing that the second baseman was sending him a message between the lines just as his brother used to do.

“No.” He chuckled “I’m returning the favor. For giving me the encouragement I needed.”

“I see” he huffed and shook his head “Well, thanks…”

“But please don’t do it again in front of everyone, it’s… too much.” Haruichi’s face turned red.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” He laughed and turned to get his gear as he saw Kataoka gather the team when it was announced that the game will continue.

It was their turn to bat, so Kazuya used the opportunity to speak with the coach before their defense, as he thought of the only way to bring Eijun back into focus.

When they started the 6th inning and he crouched behind the plate, he exhaled sharply and lifted his face so he could catch Eijun’s eyes. The pitcher looked at him in question but he didn’t need to explain anything, only show him what he wanted as he opened his palm and spread his fingers.

The gold in Eijun’s eyes intensified as he looked at Kazuya in disbelief.

Kazuya answered with a smirk and punched his mitt as he repositioned himself. Waiting patiently for Eijun. He knew that for all their misunderstandings and miscommunications, there was one place, one way where they always understood each other. Baseball. It was their language, their synergy, and he knew that he could reach him here, bring him back and anchor them. A steady ground among the endless variables they kept encountering.

Eijun shook his head and smirked back at Kazuya while getting ready to pitch. Predatory eyes straight into Kazuya’s soul and there it was again. The spark that he thought was lost, came back to lit the fire and warm eveything around him. Something even the rain couldn’t penetrate.

The ball left Eijun’s hand and traveled in slow motion as the batter swung at the air, not prepared for the trick the battery pulled. The sound the ball made when it made contact with the mitt was ethereal and Kazuya couldn’t help but chuckle at the look of Kuramochi who stood just behind Eijun.

He wasn’t stupid, he made sure to inform Kataoka of this before pulling it off but that didn’t mean he had to disclose it to the rest of the team.

He squeezed the ball and threw it back to Eijun. Both of them smiling at the successful delivery and that was all they needed. That was the starting line.

*****

They won the game as he expected but it was different in every way possible.

Kazuya tilted his head back and rested it on the seat bus. He realized that today marked the first step towards his plan, to make Eijun recreate his pitching arsenal early and give him the chance to stand on the mound as much as possible.

He actually did it, he pitched a Change-up he thought and glanced at the sit next to him where Eijun has been sleeping. He seemed exhausted, but for some reason it felt like it was more than just because he played today. Eijun was too distracted today and there were dark permanent marks under his eyes that screamed lack of sleep. Yet you scold me for not sleeping…

When they arrived at Seidou Eijun was still sleeping. Kazuya waited until everyone exited the bus before waking up the pitcher, hoping to let him rest even for a few minutes. When it was only the two of them, he put his hand gently on his shoulder to wake him up and in mere seconds Eijun’s body went stiff and he opened his eyes which was full of terror while he screamed “NO!”

Kazuya withdrew his hand as if he touched fire, confusion painting his face as he never got this kind of reaction when he touched Eijun before. “Eijun?” He asked cautiously, watching how the boy was bracing himself, shaking before realization washed his face.

“M-Miyuki?”

“What… Did you have a nightmare?” He asked quietly, not wanting to scare him more than he already has.

“Ah n- yes. Yes, a nightmare.” Eijun laughed but it sounded fake. After a few seconds he ran his hand through his hair and spoke again “Are we at Seidou already?”

“Yes…”

“Oh good! I-I’m getting hungry, l-let’s go!” He climbed hurriedly from his sit while Kazuya stared at him still shocked from what happened just moments ago. He knew that Eijun tried to dodge the whole thing and Kazuya unwillingly let him. Mainly because he didn’t know how to handle this, the other reason was that Eijun had given him the time and space to deal with his own problems, and even though Kazuya pushed him away he never stopped supporting him. He didn’t feel like he had the right to pry although he wanted to be there for him. He thought about his conversation with Haruichi, about all the times he and Eijun were making progress only to take a few steps back because of Kazuya’s evasiveness.

At the end of it all, before he could be there for him or for anyone else, he needed to stop running away, stop shying from everything that made him uncomfortable.

He got out of the bus and before he headed towards the dorms he pulled his phone and sent a message.

*****

When Kazuya finished his dinner and exited the dining hall he saw Eijun leaning on the wall and staring into space.

“Want to go for a walk?”

Eijun looked at him and smiled. He straightened and started walking next to Kazuya, matching his pace.

They headed towards the hills of field B, like their body gravitated towards the same place they used to sit at so many times before. They never truly acknowledged that that spot has long been abandoned, but the fact that they were purposely avoiding it was still present, always at a safe distance.

Kazuya didn’t ask Eijun to walk together on a whim. He wanted to talk with the pitcher, this time more than ever, there were things he needed to know, needed to hear.

“Who did you see today before the game?”

“Huh?” Eijun raised a brow “Why are you asking all of a sudden?”

“It seemed to bother you that’s why.”

“It’s really not important…”

“You see, I think it is. You gave your best performance today yet you don’t look happy at all. Didn’t you say you’re going to make Ochiai eat your dust?”

“Hey! I definitely did not say that! And I couldn’t even see his face because he wasn’t in the dugout!” He sulked for a moment and then sighed in defeat. “It’s… Fine. I saw Wolf boy and Seto.”

“Really?”

“Yeah…”

“Hm, I wonder if they came to this game in the past too.” He muttered as he tried to piece why seeing them would make Eijun react the way he did.

“They did. Koushuu told me one of the reasons he chose Seidou was because of that game.”

“Oh.” Koushuu? Kazuya frowned, feeling upset at hearing his Kohai’s first name, or more accurately, that name coming out of Eijun’s mouth.

“Okay, your turn.”

“My turn to what?” He looked at Eijun in confusion, still stuck on the name ‘Koushuu’.

“It’s a give and take Miyuki! It’s not fair that you get to keep asking me stuff but I never get to do it in return! I demand fair trade.”

“Uh… what do you want to know?”

“L-Let me think for a second!”

“You don’t even know what you want to ask?” He started laughing “You’re ridiculous!”

“Shut up! I didn’t think you would actually let me ask you…” Eijun was flustered as blush colored his cheeks.

“Oh~ what kind of questions you had in that little mind of yours?” Kazuya put his finger against Eijun’s temple.

Eijun swatted his hand “Shitty Tanuki…” He muttered while being deep in thought before declaring “I have one!”

“Well?”

“What is your hobby? Besides baseball!”

“You can’t be serious…”

“I’m as serious as coach Kataoka when he talks about Japanese idioms!”

“What are you even saying stupid!”

“Answer the question!”

“Alright! My hobby except baseball?” Kazuya tried to wreck his brain but what was there more than baseball in his life? Except Eijun that is… “Honestly I don’t think I have one.”

“There must be something that you like to do at least! You can’t be that sad of a person.”

“Oi! I’m not a sad person!” He pushed Eijun lightly “I guess… I like to cook. Does that count?”

Eijun stopped walking and stared at him comically “Miyuki Kazuya… cooking?” He stared a second longer and put his hands on his hips. “No.”

“What do you mean no?!”

“I can’t imagine that! That’s… that’s so….”

“So what?” Kazuya crossed his arms.

“I don’t know…” He groaned and messed with his hair “Well maybe it does suit you after all. You need to be precise but also do it with a soul… and if you cook like you play baseball I bet it tastes amazing!” He turned around and started walking again.

Kazuya laughed at Eijun’s dissection of Kazuya’s skills “Maybe…” He smirked and continued walking slightly behind Eijun as he felt something tugs at him to ask what he wanted to ask for so long. The more that spot entered his line of sight, the more he felt the need to do it.

“Is it my turn now? To ask a question?”

“If you have something to ask, sure.” Eijun said without turning back.

Kazuya steeled himself and clenched his fists. He closed his eyes momentarily as the vision his mind put on repeat, during the day and in his dreams, started to form vividly.

“That Friday night, when we talked here…” He glanced to his right and immediately turned to Eijun before his eyes could lay on their spot. “You didn’t say everything you wanted to say.”

“What?” Eijun stopped and turned around slowly with wide eyes.

“In the letter, the one you left me before… before you were gone. You mentioned that you already said everything you wanted to say but you didn’t. You were about to say something but then… W-what was it? What did you want to say?”

“…I…” Eijun breath hitched and he turned his head towards their spot with a sorrowful look. He inhaled shakily and turned back to Kazuya “I forgot…” He almost whispered, like he wasn’t sure of his words, like he was lying.

Kazuya regretted that he asked that question immediately. Just moments ago they were having fun, now everything turned sour at the mention of that Friday night. More painfully, was the fact that even after he took that leap of faith, Eijun left him at the bottom and didn’t take the jump. Even if he wanted to, he won’t get the answers he so desperately desires.

“Is that so?” He looked at Eijun imploringly.

“Yes. Probably…. it wasn’t something important.” He said with tense shoulders while looking at the ground.

“Okay…”

Eijun nodded once and started walking again, the silence that followed was heavy and Kazuya didn’t know how to make it better. Maybe there was no way to make this better, this part they both didn’t want to breach but needed to anyway. He could only look at Eijun’s back and hope that regret is not something that would defy them. That one day he would hear what he took Eijun’s ability to say.

He took one proper glance towards the mound in the middle of field B and hoped that one day he’ll hear the words Eijun never got to say. Maybe one day… he’ll get to say some things back.

“Miyuki-senpai...”

“Hm?”

“We don’t have a lot of time, before you leave.”

“Oi, don’t make it sound as if I’m gonna die. I’m only graduating.”

“I know. It’s just… now that we are so close to your graduation it makes me realize that our time as a battery, as partners, is coming to an end. I wish we could’ve played together more…”

“Well, if your control didn’t suck so much maybe you would’ve had more opportunities to stand on the mound~ besides, who said I wanted to play with you more? Hahaha~”

“Why are you like this?”

“Huh?… It was just a joke-“

“Well it’s not a joke to me!”

“Okay! Geez, relax…”

“Miyuki-senpai, you have no idea how much I wanted for you to acknowledge me, to be taken seriously! I genuinely wanted to be your best partner on the field and I worked hard for that! Can’t you see?”

“Sawamura, it was a joke. I do acknowledge you…”

“Acknowledge me as a player on the team or as your partner?!”

“Isn’t it the same thing?”

“No, no it’s not and you know it!”

“Look, I don’t know what got you so upset all of a sudden. It’s not that deep, you were a part of other batteries and will be a part of many more in the future.”

“It wouldn’t be the same! I don’t care about other batteries, I care about ours, about you! I-“

“Sawamura… I think you’re tired and we should go back.”

“What?! No! Let me finish!”

“Sawamura.”

“I came to Seidou because of you, because I wanted to be with you.”

“Sawamura. Stop.”

“I enjoy our time together! And not only on the field! When we hang out in your room, or just stroll around the training grounds. It’s not the same with others, I know it’s not because I-“

“Sawamura.”

“Miyuki-senpai, I-“

“SAWAMURA!”

Kazuya sighed deeply “Look. I’m sorry for the joke okay? Can we leave it at that?”

Eijun looked at Kazuya and whispered “Yes. Yeah, you’re right… I’m- I’m just tired...” after a few seconds of silence Eijun got up “I guess I’ll see you on Monday?”

“Yeah, see you on Monday.”

“Miyuki-senpai?”

“Hm?”

“I-…“ Eijun looked at him with an expression Kazuya couldn’t understand. It’s like all that energy from seconds ago left Eijun’s body and now all that’s left is just the shell. Eijun opened his mouth and closed it a few times, he looked like he wanted to say something important but no words came out. After a few moments, he closed his eyes, turned around and said in a soft voice “Good night…” before leaving Kazuya alone.

“Night.” Kazuya whispered to no one. Not knowing at the time that they will never meet on Monday.