Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Illi wiped her sweaty hands on her skirt. She was fine, she could do this. It was just a grocery run. She was a grown woman, she could handle herself at the supermarket without her little brother’s help.

This wasn’t just any supermarket though. This was the supermarket in the town she’d grown up in. The town that she’d run away from the moment she walked across the stage at graduation. The town she’d just moved back to the week before, tired and older but still just as stuck as she had been at 16. She was a different person now, no longer the kid who used to walk these isles still in her school uniform, but being back here made her feel like she was still the same. It didn’t help that Mikey had their shared car for work, leaving her to walk to and from the store like she really was still a highschooler.

But it was fine. She was fine. She could get her groceries and get out. She doubted anyone would remember her anyway. And if they did, maybe she would be lucky and they wouldn’t even recognize her. She hadn’t had many friends anyway, honestly it was just Ray and god knows when the last time she’d talked to him was. It had been at least 2 or 3 years since they’d spoken. It was her fault really. He kept calling and texting…she was the one who didn’t respond. Eventually he got the message and stopped, she didn’t even think that she’d gotten the usual Merry Christmas text this year. It ached to remember her old best friend but…things were better now. She missed him but he didn’t exactly know her and it was easier to just sever the tie instead of trying to force the friendship to keep going.

She looked around the store, trying not to look suspicious. No one glanced at her in her longer than fashionable skirt and oversized shirt. No one looked at her and furrowed their brow as if trying to figure out where they knew her from. She’d known that logically it would be like this, a boring, normal supermarket trip where nothing happened but still the fear lingered. She breathed in quickly, trying to settle her nerves before grabbing a basket and starting to shop.

She was a shit cook, she’d admit that much. And Mikey wasn’t much better, plus since he was the only one of the two of them who had managed to snag a job so far Illi wasn’t going to just let the brunt of the work fall to him. So that meant she was in charge of food. Meaning they were going to be eating a lot of pasta, frozen veggies and frozen pizza. She kept a mental tally as she went. They didn’t have a ton of funds to work with right now, Mikey’s check still hadn’t come in and they’d burned through most of their savings getting the car. But Illi thought she could make it work. She would have to. She loaded up on a few boxes of pasta, sauce would make it better but they didn’t need it, so she skipped it for now. She tossed in a pack of ramen, she could eat it for lunch and pack Mikey something more substantial until she found a job. A few cans of soup and veggies went into the basket. She filled out the rest of her list, staying within her budget as she went. It wasn’t the most glamorous but it made her feel useful. She needed to feel useful. Needed to be reminded that she wasn’t just a deadweight dragging Mikey down.

As she was navigating her way to the front of the store to purchase her groceries she found herself face to face with a stranger looking at her with a wide smile. Instantly she was scared, had he somehow recognized her? She didn’t recognize him, but it was possible. Did he know who she used to be?

She looked him over, he was shorter than her with messy black hair and smudged eye makeup and a lip ring.

“Can I help you?” She asked, not liking how much her voice shook as she did. She didn’t know this guy and he was weirding her out with his wide gaze.

“You can give me your number.” Was his response. Illi let out a sigh. He was teasing her, that’s what this was. She shouldn’t have expected anything else.

“Just leave me alone.” She sighed. “I don’t have time for this.”

“Look, ok, wait.” The guy took a step back, his eyes going wide. “That was a joke by the way. I’m not like, trying to perv on you or something.” Illi just raised an eyebrow. This dude was weird, what was his problem? “I just didn't recognize you. And you’re kinda cute. It just slipped out. I dunno, there’s not many other people our age who still stick around here.”

“I don’t know you from somewhere do I?” Illi asked. The guy shook his head vehemently. She wondered for a second if they had gone to the same school. It was a small class, being one of the few catholic schools in the area. But it was possible, maybe he was a grade above or below her.

“Nah, I’d remember someone as pretty as you.” He smiled. It was then that Illi noticed how red his eyes were.

“You’re high, aren’t you?” She asked, internally sighing again.

The guy blinked, “A little. Not a lot though.”

“Fine, just leave me be ok? I’m not in the mood for teasing.” Illi was already over this whole interaction. She didn’t know this guy and couldn’t tell if he was being genuine or not. It made her feel nice to be called pretty, but coming from someone like this, how could she trust it? Maybe he just saw how awkwardly she held herself and wanted to poke fun at her a bit.

“I’m not teasing!” The guy protested but Illi just pushed past him and headed towards the checkouts, hoping that he wouldn’t follow.

Luckily he didn’t. Illi’s stomach sank. She wasn’t sure what she wanted. Maybe a part of her wanted him to chase after her and say that he’d really meant it, that he thought she was pretty. Of course he didn’t though. He didn’t really think that, he was just trying to get a reaction out of her. Like the kids she went to school with. She’d hardly been back a week and already she was remembering why she left this town in the first place.

She put her things on the belt, she didn’t want to talk to anyone right now, but she made herself ask “Are you guys hiring?” The clerk just looked her over once and shook her head.

“Sorry, just picked up a bunch of part-timers. You might have some luck at the mall though, I think a few of the stores are looking for some part-time help.”

Illi sighed. That was just her luck. She used to love the mall as a teenager, but she’d been avoiding the place like the plague now that she was back. It held too many memories. But, if that’s where the jobs were it was where she’d need to go. She didn’t want to make Mikey be the only one of them that was working. “Thanks.” she said, ending that interaction.

She thought about the weird guy from the store as she left. He seemed ok for a bit there. She thought he might be the kind of guy that she would have hung out with in school. Ray was her closest friend by a mile, but the two of them had hung out with a few of the other losers. That guy would have fit right in. She feels a squeezing in her chest as she thinks of Ray.

He might still live here. She hadn’t been a good enough friend to check in and ask. She knew that he’d taken a year off before starting college but didn’t know where he’d ended up going. She knew that he wanted to go somewhere far away, like California or something like that. She also knew that he was too timid to actually go that far. Unlike her he had an ok relationship with his parents and might have stayed. Illi could see him being happy here. A part of her wanted to reach out to see if he was still here, but fear stopped her. So much had changed since then, she’d changed so much. She didn’t even know if the two of them would be able to be friends anymore. They weren’t exactly the same kids they were before.

Illi exited the store, the heavy bags held in her hands as she did. To her dismay, she came face to face with the weird guy from inside as soon as she left. He looked surprised to see her, freezing in his tracks.

“Hey, uh, it’s me again.” He said awkwardly.

“I didn’t forget who you were.” Illi stopped. What did this guy even want?

“Look, I’m not going to bother you any more, ok? I just wanted to apologize. I was weird to you earlier and I can tell that I freaked you out. I just wanted to clear the air. I know you think I was trying to make fun of you, but really I just thought you looked cool.” He’s talking fast, like he’s scared to get the words out. It’s a little cute if Illi is being honest. For the first time she lets herself take a good look at the guy. He could be cute, he’s a little short and his hair is weird but Illi likes it. Maybe the two of them could be friends, in another life. But right now she just wants to get home. “Can I just start again?” The guy’s face goes red as he looks up.

“Ok.” Illi said.

“I’m Frank. I’m 21, I live here in town.” The guy, Frank, looks up at her hopefully.

Illi could take pity on him and properly introduce herself but she’s still unsure that she can really trust him. “Well Frank, you seem a bit weird but I don’t think you’re a bad guy. Maybe we’ll run into each other again.” With that she sidesteps him and heads down the sidewalk towards her grandmother’s house. She was in bad shape, her doctors said she probably wouldn’t be able to leave the hospital for at least a few more weeks and even then she would be on oxygen. Just remembering that made her heart sink. Their grandmother was the reason that she and Mikey were back in town. The depressing combination of their grandmother’s health taking a sharp downturn and Illi and Mikey reaching rock bottom brought them back here, to the last place that Illi ever thought she would end up.

Frank doesn’t follow her thankfully. The walk home is going to take a good 20 minutes. Illi really wished that she and Mikey had enough cash to get another car, but as it stood they’d hardly been able to afford the one that they had and they’d need to pour more money into fixing it up before they could even think about buying another one. Their grandmother hadn’t driven in years and had sold hers long ago so Illi had no hopes of being able to borrow a car from her. Walking wasn’t so bad, but it was hot and by the time she got home Illi was so sweaty that she felt gross. She changed out of her sweaty top and skirt as soon as she got home, switching into a clean shirt and semi-clean pair of jeans. She really needed to do laundry soon. It would be easier if the washing machine in her grandmother’s place still worked, but it had given out a few years ago and Grandma had started paying for a laundry service. She’d offered to do the same for Mikey and Illi, but Illi knew she was running low on funds and didn’t want to put any more pressure on her. After all, she and Mikey were living in their grandmother’s guest room rent free while they got back on their feet. They were here under the guise of “looking after grandma” and while they were doing quite a bit of that, Illi knew that their grandma was also letting them live here to make sure they had somewhere safe to stay.

Illi wished she could be more helpful as she put away the groceries that she’d just purchased. Mikey was working to bring in some funds and she was still here, no job and no prospects. She wasn’t even able to help their grandmother since she had no way to get to the hospice she was staying in without a car. She would need to go to the mall tomorrow to try and find somewhere to work so that she could at least contribute to her and Mikey’s bills. After putting the food away Illi went back to the guest room that she and Mikey were sharing. It reminded her of when they were kids, she and Mikey had shared a room until she moved out after graduation. When Mikey followed her to the New York suburbs after his own graduation they’d done their best to find a place to live where the two of them didn’t need to share a room. Now though they were back in their hometown, crammed in a small room again. Illi knew that Mikey was feeling the pressure of the proximity, but honestly she didn’t mind it. It made her feel closer to Mikey. She’d started to feel like the two of them were drifting apart. She knew that Mikey wanted to do more than this, that she was the one dragging him down. She just didn’t know how to do more for him. She was the older sibling but so often recently it had felt like Mikey was the one taking care of her.

She stared at the ceiling, ignoring her tears as they started to fall. She hated how complicated things felt. She just wanted to run away again, she’d never wanted to be back in this town but now she was here. She sniffled, rolling over onto her side and hugging her pillow close. Maybe tomorrow will be better. She hoped so. She needed something good to happen for once.

Chapter Text

“Can you drop me off at the mall tomorrow?” Mikey looks up from where he’d collapsed on the bed. Illi knew that his job was taking a lot of his energy. Working at a warehouse wasn’t either of their first choices, but it paid well even if the hours sucked and the work was hard. Illi had put in her own application but hadn’t even gotten an interview. She’d had that outcome more times than she could count already, and was a little scared that she wouldn’t hear the end of the rejections.

“Are you planning to do some shopping?” Mikey asked, confused.

Illi shook her head, “Nah, job hunting.” She sat on the bed next to Mikey. “The supermarket wasn’t hiring, but the clerk said she thought that some of the shops in the mall might be. I hate making you do everything.”

“You know I don’t mind.”

“Yeah, but I do. I’m the older sibling, I should be the one supporting us.”

Mikey rolled his eyes, “Stop it with that. You know that I don’t fault you for any of this, and it’s not like you aren’t doing anything here.”

“I could be doing more.” This was what all of their arguments always boiled down to. Illi felt like she wasn’t doing enough and Mikey’s reassurances weren’t enough to keep the self-doubt from creeping in. She hated feeling useless, she hated doing nothing all day while Mikey was out at work. She hadn’t even been able to draw since moving home. She had no friends here, she had no hobbies to keep her occupied and she had no way to bring in some cash to keep her and Mikey afloat. She needed something to change or she would go crazy.

Mikey sighed, “I’ll drop you off tomorrow, I’m working second shift so it’ll be in the afternoon. But I’m not gonna get off of work until late, I don’t think that I can pick you up.” The mall was kinda far from their place. Even as a teenager Illi would always be dropped off by her or Ray’s parents if they were going to hang out at the mall. But she was an adult now, she could walk if she had to. It would be worth it if she was able to get an interview at a few different places and try to make things work.

“I can walk.”

Mikey grimaced. He was protective of her, he knew that not everyone understood her and was worried about her being harassed if she was out without him. It’s not as if it never happened, Illi knew that she didn’t look the way most people would expect a girl to look, though things had gotten easier since she’d started to really let her hair grow out and started dying it. But she didn’t need Mikey around to protect her all the time. She could handle herself if she had to. She was the older sister, she had to handle herself. She couldn’t just rely on Mikey for everything like she’d been doing so far.

“I don’t know.” Mikey said.

“Mikey. I’ll be fine. It’s not like I’m hitchhiking. I’ve got pepper spray if anyone bothers me, but I’ll be fine. I’ve been fine so far.” She tried to reassure her little brother, seeing how her words fell short as she did.

“Fine. I’ll drop you off tomorrow.” Illi leaned into his side, just sitting there with Mikey next to her. He was all sharp bones and angles but it was nice. She was glad that they never grew apart. It always made her sad to see how distant Ray had gotten with his older brothers after they moved out when she and Ray were still in high school. She’d been so scared that the same would happen to her and Mikey when she moved out after graduation to try and pursue her art. She should have known that Mikey would always be there with her. He followed her to New York, he stuck with her as she started to figure herself out and transition, he stayed with her even when she couldn’t find the will to get out of bed and he was here with her now, supporting her even when she couldn’t do the same for him. She hoped he knew just how much she cherished him.

As she was getting dressed the next morning she was reminded just how much she needed to go to the laundromat, luckily she was able to rewear the same black midi skirt she’d worn the day before since it wasn’t too dirty. It wasn’t as if she was going to see any of the same people again, she paired it with a striped long sleeve shirt that might have been Mikey’s at one point. He wore a uniform for work anyway so it’s not as if he would want it for today. After lunch they loaded up into the car and Mikey drove her towards the mall.

“Don’t worry if you don’t find something.” He said as he pulled into the parking lot. “I can take care of us.” Illi knew that he was trying to be reassuring, but it felt more like he didn’t think she could do it. All his words did was make her more determined to find a job of some kind. She would even scrub toilets if that’s all that was available. She just needed to be doing something. Mikey was taking care of her, but who was taking care of him?

“I’ll be fine.” Illi pulled her satchel onto her shoulder. She had a few printed copies of her resume on there, though it was shamefully blank. She’d held a few positions since high school, she bussed tables at a cafe for a while and worked at a print shop. For all her pride in her artwork she’d never really gone anywhere with it. She’d done a few semesters at an art school but ran out of funds. Someday she’d like to go back. Right now she just wanted to be able to keep going. She couldn’t keep running on empty forever.

Illi gave Mikey an awkward side hug as she left the car, slamming the door shut behind her as she did. She pretended not to notice that Mikey waited, watching her get to the door before driving off. As she entered the once familiar place she was hit with how little it had changed. There were still the same blue-green tiles paving the whole place and the smell of chlorine from the fountain in the axis of the building was just as strong as in her memory. In some ways it hadn’t changed a bit, but as she looked around the stores and found that she didn’t recognize a good handful of the names she realized that the place had indeed moved on without her. She should have expected it, but it still hurt.

In her memory the place had remained unchanged, but here she was being confronted with all the ways that time had moved on without her. She relived old memories as she started walking, planning to start on the far end and work her way down to the other side of the mall. It was going to be extremely awkward to walk into every storefront to ask for a job, honestly the thought of doing so made her skin crawl, but she reminded herself that she was doing this for Mikey’s sake. She started with a hair salon at the far end of the mall, she figured she’d have no luck there. She had no training or skill in cutting hair and almost skipped it, but went in out of obligation. Besides, maybe they were hiring a janitor or something. She and Ray had never gone into this storefront. Her hair had still been short in high school and his mom cut his hair. She’d only ever gotten as far as letting her hair reach a little past her ears before the school stepped in and told her to cut it to fit uniform standards. It always hurt back then to have to cut away months worth of growth. Ray was a big help though, he had to keep his hair short as well, though had a little more wiggle room due to his curls. He always told Illi that her hair looked nice when she got it cut, even though he didn’t know why it hurt her so much to have to cut her hair short, and boylike, he always tried to comfort her. She missed him a lot. Sometimes she wished that she’d never let their friendship fade out.

Just like she expected, the hair salon turned her away almost right away. “You might have better luck at the pizza shop. I think they need cooks.” The clerk said, eyeing Illi up and down in a way that made her feel small. She was used to judgement, but it never stopped making her feel like crap about herself.

She walked to the next store, a small boutique that also wasn’t hiring, though the older woman running it was kinder than the lady at the hair salon. She was able to hand a resume off to the shoe store and pizza place, and left a phone number with multiple clothing stores (though she wasn’t hopeful about actually getting a call back.) She was feeling a little better about things by the time she’d crossed the middle of the small mall and headed to the next section of stores. Some of them were still the same as she remembered, she smiled fondly as she entered the Barnes and Noble, remembering the times that she and Ray used to sit there for hours reading manga without actually paying for any of the books. She’d be happy if she could work there. Luckily they were one of the nicer stores and took her resume and phone number, with a promise to “call her back if they needed help.” Illi really hoped that they did. She needed to do something and she would really prefer working in a bookstore to a pizza parlor.

She was feeling better as she left, like things could actually go right for once. She spotted a new shop a few stores down, it looked like a combination music and comic store. She had to blink a few times to make sure that she was seeing things right. Man, she would have killed for a store like this in high school. She and Ray could have spent hours in there messing around and looking at books and CD’s they had no money to buy. She debated with herself for only a moment before deciding that she could go check it out before continuing her job search. As a treat for doing well so far. She didn’t have any money to spend, but she could window shop. And maybe she’d be lucky and they’d be hiring. She doubted it, but she could dream.

A bell whistled out from above the door to the shop as she pushed it open. It was filled with rows of records, CD’s and shelves of comics and other books. It was heaven on earth.

“Welcome in.” A voice called out, Illi looked toward the counter only to freeze in her tracks. She thought she’d recognized that voice. Her heart pounded hard in her chest as she observed Ray, he hadn’t even looked up from the comic he was reading to see her enter. She wondered if she could just leave now, he probably hadn’t recognized her yet but if she got too close she was sure that he would…and what then? What would he say when he saw how much she’d changed.

Her indecision got her caught, Ray looked up right at that moment, doing a double take and adjusting his glasses. It was a weird sight, she was used to only seeing his glasses when she slept over at his place back in high school. He usually wore contacts during the day. She wondered if that had changed. The more she looked at him she took in the changes in his appearance. His hair was longer, fluffing up like a halo around his head before it fell down almost reaching his shoulders. It looked good on him. As she silently appraised him, he did the same to her.

“Gee?” He said it so quietly, as if he didn’t believe it was really her. Illi winced, he had no way of knowing that she didn’t use that name anymore but it still hurt to be reminded. She stood frozen, just hardly through the doorway. She felt like a deer in headlights despite the fact that she had no reason to be this nervous. This was Ray, her best friend. This was Ray. He looked at her, “Gee, that is you right?”

Illi took in a shuddering breath and nodded, making herself act normal and not like she was panicking. “yes.”

Ray’s eyes lit up, “I haven’t seen you in so long. Last I heard you were still in New York. Are you back in town for long?” He said it all so lightly, like Illi hadn’t been borderline ignoring him for the past year. She was the reason he hadn’t heard from her in so long. It felt easier to let the friendship fizzle out than try to explain herself to him. She should have known that Ray would accept her. He hadn’t even commented on the fact that she’d grown her hair out and was wearing a skirt, though she knew that he had to have noticed it. Did he still think she was a guy? Would she have to explain it all to him? She was worried, she missed him so much and now that he was in front of her again she was reminded of why he was her best friend. She wanted that friendship back, but what if Ray didn’t understand her? What if he didn’t accept her back? She thought that would hurt more than never seeing him again.

Ray’s eyebrows furrowed in concern, “Gee, are you alright?”

“Illi.” She said suddenly, the word cutting through the room like a knife. She grabbed the strap of her bag tightly.

“What?”

“My name is Illi.”

This was it. The moment where Ray decided if he still wanted to be friends with her. She should have expected his response. Ray just smiled wide enough that his whole head tilted. “That’s a really pretty name Illi. It suits you.”

Chapter Text

Ok, so maybe she should have expected Ray to be fine with things. Of course he didn’t hate her for finding herself. He was always so sweet, she should have known that he would be just as sweet about her identity. Honestly, he hadn’t drawn much attention to her transition, aside from complimenting her new name he hadn’t brought it up much at all. He talked to her like nothing had changed and they were still the same high schoolers that they were the last time they talked face to face. God, how long has it been?

Illi finds herself standing across the counter from Ray, she’s the only one in the store so he’s able to devote his full attention to her. She no longer felt the urge to run and pretend that she’s never been here. As she got more comfortable she was able to take a look around and really take the shop in. There were stands of comics, as well as some CD’s and records, she’s pretty sure there are even movies and cassettes as well. It’s exactly the place that she would have dreamed about in high school.

“When did this store even move it?” She asks offhandedly, “I would have killed for something like this when we were younger.”

Ray laughs, “I know right?” He smiles at her, so bright and warm. It makes her heart do a weird little somersault in her chest. “It was like, a year after we graduated? I didn’t see it until I came back here on a break from school. I had the exact same thought though.”

“How’d you end up working here?” Illi feels like a terrible friend. She doesn’t know a thing about Ray’s life. She stopped keeping up with him and doesn’t know what he’s doing with his time. Does he still play guitar? Was he in school? She didn’t know.

“I came by all the time, their music section is pretty good and eventually the owner, Brian asked if I was interested in working here. It beat working food so I took him up on the offer.” Illi nods, she doesn’t know the polite way to ask all the questions she still has.

Luckily Ray has more tact than her. “So, are you just visiting town?” He asks, proding her gently.

Illi shakes her head. “No, umm.” She tries to figure out the best way to phrase it. “Mikey and I are back for our grandmother. She’s…not doing well.” Ray gives her a sympathetic look at her words. “So we moved back to help her out. She’s letting us live with her, which kinda works out since we were probably gonna lose our apartment anyway. I’m actually here job hunting, Mikey’s got a warehouse job but I don’t want to make him support both of us.” She felt weird admitting it, as if she was admitting to a failure. Last she and Ray had talked she’d been so sure that she’d move to New York and become some kind of artist. It was the kind of dream that you could only really have as a teenager.

“I’m so sorry Illi,” Ray puts a warm hand on her shoulder. For some reason that makes Illi’s mind focus on how much taller than her he is. He’s always been taller, but for some reason she was starting to see him in a different light. She tamped down that thought. She didn’t need to get sidetracked now of all times. “That’s awful. If you and Mikey need anything just let me know. Yelena was always so sweet to me, I’m sorry that she’s not doing well.”

Illi smiles at him. “Thanks Ray. It sucks but we’re working through it.”

“Anything you need, just let me know.” Illi won’t, but it’s nice that he’s offering. They’ve only just reconnected, she doesn’t want to burden him with her problems. Though…maybe he could help her with a job.

“Well, if you know anyone here whose hiring that would help.” She joked. “I tried the other half of the mall but so far the bookstore is the only one I feel like I have any chance of actually getting a call back from.”

Ray smiled, “Let me think.” His brow furrows behind his glasses, it’s cute in a way that Illi hadn’t noticed before. “Sadly we’re not hiring. We just got a new guy a few months ago and between the two of us and Brian we’re pretty well covered. As you can see we’re not the most popular store in the mall.”

“You should be. This is the coolest store ever.”

“I know right?” He laughs. “Um, I think the Abercrombie might be hiring? I feel like I saw a sign in their window a few days ago. Oh, and the Bath and Body!”

“I’m not sure Abercrombie would hire…me.” Illi says softly. She hadn’t had much luck at the clothing stores she’d tried. She knows she doesn’t fit their demographic. She’s not a trendy, cute young girl. She’s awkward, she dresses weird, and she’s not exactly what everyone would think of as a “real girl”.

“That’s stupid.” Ray says, looking concerned. “Their loss. Man, I really wish we were hiring. It would be really fun to be able to work with you. I missed you a lot.”

Illi can feel heat rise to her face. “I did too. I’m sorry for being an asshole and letting things go quiet. I was just…figuring things out. I didn’t know how to tell people back here that I wasn’t…what they remembered. I should have known that you would understand, but I was scared.” It feels weird to admit it, but if she can’t be honest with Ray, then who can she be honest with?

“I would never judge you Illi. You’re still my friend. My best friend. No matter what. I’m just glad that you’re able to tell me now. And if you want, I would like to hang out more now that you’re back. It can be like old times.” Illi doesn’t know if she’s imaging it or if Ray’s face is going red too. It’s harder to tell on him, but she thinks she can see a bit of blush on his cheeks.

She leans in, “Yeah I would like that.”

Before either of them can say anything else the bell above the door rings as someone else walks in. Illi looks up, feeling as if she’s been caught doing something that she shouldn’t have been doing despite the fact that all she and Ray had been doing was talking. She doesn’t expect to see a familiar face as she looks towards the door.

Frank is looking down, winding a pair of earbuds around his ipod as he walks in, “Ray, man, it’s been a crazy day. I swear I almost got into an accident on the way here and I wasn’t even the driver!”

Ray snorts, “That’s your excuse for being late? Dude this is the second time this week.”

“What? You’re not my boss. Besides, it’s not like we’re swamped in here.” Frank looks up, freezing in a way that’s almost comical as he sees Illi. She knows then that he recognizes her without a doubt from their meeting the day before. Illi feels her face get hotter, which she didn’t even know was possible.

“Frank, this is Illi.” Ray introduces her, putting his large hand back on her shoulder. “Illi, this is Frank.”

“I um. I already know.” Illi mutters. She feels awkward and out of place. Frank and Ray know each other, they’re coworkers and probably friends. She didn’t think she’d have to see Frank again and still doesn’t know how she feels about their first meeting. On one hand he had called her cute. On the other he had been high and also probably hadn’t realized that she was trans. She was kind of hoping to never have to see him again to make things simple but that clearly wasn’t an option.

“Wait, you guys know each other?” Ray looked between the two of them in obvious confusion. “How?”

Illi is about to try and say something about how it was just a one-off chance meeting, but Frank talks before she can.

“I didn’t know she was your girlfriend!” He blurts out loudly. “I didn’t even know you had a girlfriend if I’m being honest!”

Ray fully goes red this time and Illi knows that her face probably looks the same. She steals a glance at Ray, who looks profoundly uncomfortable. Of course he’s never thought of her like that. Until today he just thought of her as his best guy friend.

“She’s not my-” Ray sputters. “Illi is a friend, we went to school together!” His voice does that thing it always does when he gets embarrassed. It gets all pitchy and high. Illi tries to stamp down the feeling of disappointment in her chest. It’s not like she wants to be his girlfriend or anything, and she shouldn’t be surprised that the very thought of the two of them being an item embarrasses Ray but it’s just another reminder that she’s not who she wants to be. “Wait” Ray says, getting over his embarrassment. “What do you mean you didn’t know she was my girlfriend, how did you two even meet?”

He looks between the two of them as if trying to figure out a puzzle. Illi’s heart is beating fast and she knows that she’s red as a tomato. She doesn’t know what to say, pressing her lips together into a thing line.

Ray turns on Frank. “Frank! What did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything!” Frank protests. That’s not exactly how Illi remembers it, but she doesn’t really have the drive to fight it right now. She’s so embarrassed that she just wants to curl in on herself and disappear.

“Obviously you did something or else you wouldn’t look so guilty right now and you wouldn’t have started screaming about not knowing she was my girlfriend.” He looks to Illi, “Did he do something?” He looks angry, protective in a way that Illi remembers. He always acted like this when she was getting picked on. He never stood up for himself, he was always too timid. But when it came to Illi he was willing to fight for her. It was part of what made him such a good friend. Now here he was, trying to fight her battles for her again.

“It was nothing.” She says quickly.

“I hit on her! That’s all.” Frank blurts out. “I wasn’t trying to be an asshole, but she thought I was teasing her.”

Ray sighs. “Frank sucks at talking to girls. But seriously man, where did you even find the time to embarrass yourself like that?”

“I was just grocery shopping! I didn’t recognize her and she was cute!” Frank protests. Ray makes a face like he tasted something sour.

“So you just go and bother her? Dude, you’re hopeless.” Ray shoots Illi a sympathetic look. “Frank’s an idiot and an asshole but I promise he’s a good guy.”

“I really wasn’t trying to make fun of you. I know you thought I was only talking to you as a joke but I really did think you looked cool. And obviously you are if you know Toro.” Frank’s apology sounds true and Illi is inclined to believe that he really had been being genuine earlier.

Though that means that he meant it when he said she was cute. She’d never gotten this kind of attention from a guy before and she didn’t know how to feel about it. She pushed down the conflicted feelings. She could deal with them later, when she was alone. She wished she could talk to Mikey or Ray about it, but she didn’t dare. Mikey was too protective and would probably try and ban Illi from ever leaving the house again and Ray was Frank’s friend. So she would just have to deal with this one on her own.

“It’s ok. I just overreacted. I’m always waiting for someone to say something mean, I guess I just forgot that people could be nice.” She admits. Ray looks so sad when he hears that. He looks like he wants to pull her into a hug but he doesn't. Illi almost wishes that he would. She misses his casual affection, being with him always feels so easy.

Frank snorts. “I wouldn’t necessarily call myself nice, but I can’t imagine making fun of a girl like you. You’re like, the coolest person in this town. Maybe second coolest if I’m being conceited.”

“She’s definitely cooler than you.” Ray says.

“Wow man, so much for being bros.” Frank rolls his eyes. “How do you two know each other anyway? I don’t remember seeing you around before and I think I would remember if Toro brought up any lady friends. I’m surprised the guy has ever talked to a girl before.”

“Frank!” Ray protests. “You make me sound like such a loser.”

“If the shoe fits..”

“We went to school together.” Illi says quickly. She’s not sure how much Ray has talked about his high school experience, but even if he’s mentioned her he wouldn’t have mentioned his best girl friend. She’s pretty sure Frank hasn’t picked up on her being trans and she doesn’t know if she wants him to know. He seems cool, being Ray’s friend definitely gives him a point in the possible friends category. Plus, it’s nice for someone to see her as just a girl for once. He thinks she’s cool. He looks at her and just sees a cool girl.

“Wow, Toro, what else have you been hiding from me?” Frank looks at Ray with mock shock. “Are you hiding any other super cool childhood friends?”

“Dude shut up.” Ray’s face is going red. “Just get behind the counter and work. I’m gonna take my break.”

Frank groans, “And just leave me alone here? What am I supposed to do, die of boredom?”

Ray rolls his eyes as he walks around the counter to stand by Illi. “You could do your job for once.”

“But that’s boring.”

“It’s what you’re getting paid for.”

“It didn’t look like you were working when I got here. You were just talking to Illi.” Frank points out.

“Yeah, well there wasn’t anyone else here. Besides, I was helping her out.” He puts a hand on Illi’s shoulder so casually, steering her towards the door. “Let’s go see where else is hiring. I think we can find you a job here somewhere.”

“You’re looking to work here?” Frank perks up, “Maybe Brian could hire her. It might be good for business to have a girl behind the counter. Think of all the comic-loving guys who haven’t seen a woman for weeks that we get in here, they’d go crazy for her.”

“Wow Frank, I’m glad that you think so highly of Illi. Putting her in that kind of situation actually sounds like torture.” Ray says deadpan. “Besides, I don’t know that Brian needs anymore help. Though, maybe if you keep being late he’ll give her your job.”

“Dude, it was like twice.” Frank argues back. “You’re right though, but I hope you get a job here Illi. You should come hang out with us on your breaks or something though, we’re definitely cooler than all the other stores here.”

Illi nods, she honestly doesn’t know what else to say. She’s still in shock a bit, she thinks. Ray guides her out of the store, and doesn’t take his hand off the small of her back even when he really doesn’t need to guide her anymore. She tries not to think too hard into it. This was Ray, she reminds herself. He’s just naturally friendly and happy to have his friend back. He would never want her like that. Not the way that Frank apparently wants her. She doesn’t know what to think about that. If she thinks about it anymore she thinks she might implode.

Who knew that coming back home would be so confusing?

Chapter Text

Job hunting was a lot more fun with Ray there. It felt like they were 17 again, walking around the mall after school and wasting time. Only this time Illi was actually trying to get a job. She wasn’t sure how much luck she would have with the few places that had actually taken her application, but at least she’d tried. Ray was a comfort though, he didn’t doubt her the way that she doubted herself. Illi wasn’t really sure how long his break was supposed to take, but it had been about half an hour now and she hadn’t seen him stop for food or anything. She was glad for the help, but also didn’t want to inconvenience her only friend.

“If you need to head back to the shop I’ll be ok. I don’t know how long your break is supposed to last.”

Ray smiled, “Oh it was only supposed to be 15 minutes, but Frank was late today and made me work alone so I’m considering this payback.”

“Ray!” Illi protests. “That’s mean.”

“He’s a little jerk, he can handle it.” Even though he was complaining about Frank, Illi could see that Ray held a fondness for Frank. A jealous, selfish part of her felt disappointed, it was like Ray had a new best friend that wasn’t her. She shouldn’t be upset. She should be happy for him that he’d found someone that he connected with. But at the same time she was upset that it wasn’t her. “Besides, helping you is important.”

“Thank you.” Illi smiled at him, but I think I hit all the stores here that I could.”

“I do hope that you get hired. If you do, you should totally come and see me and Frank on your breaks.”

“I will.” Illi promises. “I’ll see if I can stop by again this week to see you guys.” She’d nearly forgotten how nice it was to have someone to talk to until she was around Ray again. “But I should head back home. I’d like to make dinner before Mikey gets home.”

“Sure, Sure.” Ray smiled brightly. “Let me walk you to your car?”

“Oh.” Illi feels awkward all of sudden. “I um…Mikey dropped me off.”

Ray’s brows knit together, “Is he here?”

Illi shook her head, “He’s working late, I was planning on walking home.”

Ray looks appalled all of a sudden, “No way! Illi, that's a long walk all by yourself.”

Illi bristles, “I can handle it Ray, I’m not helpless.”

“I’m not saying you are! I’m just saying that I can't let my friend walk home on her own!” Ray protests. “Let me stop back at the shop and grab my keys then I’ll drop you off.”

“Ray! You’re supposed to be working, won’t your boss get mad if you leave halfway through your shift to take me home?”

Ray looks guilty for a second, “I mean he won’t like it…”

“Then you won’t. I won’t be the reason that you lose your job Ray!” Illi protests. They’re standing face to face, the height different between them being all the more prominent because of it. Has he always been this much taller than her? She thinks he might have been, only she hadn’t quite noticed it until now.

Ray bites his lip. “I don’t like the idea of you walking home alone.”

“It’s fine. I told you already, I can handle myself.” Illi can feel her face going warm. A part of her likes that Ray is being so protective, but at the same time she hates that he thinks of her as someone helpless who needs to be protected. She wasn’t looking forward to the walk home by any means but it’s not like it was a death sentence.

“When do you need to get home?” Ray asks suddenly.

Illi pauses, “It doesn’t really matter. Mikey works late but I was just going to head out now since I’m done applying at the places here and it’s still light out.”

“I’m off in like, 2 hours.” Ray stammers out. “I know that it’ll probably be boring for you to just wait around but maybe you could…hang out until then so I can drive you home?”

Illi should say no, she shouldn’t waste any more of Ray’s time and she shouldn’t hang around and bother him while he’s at work. But…she’s been having such a good time talking to him again today and she doesn’t want it to end. Plus, she thinks that Ray might have an aneurism if she does leave to walk home on her own. It’s not like Mikey’s going to be home waiting on her, and she doesn’t need that much time to cook them dinner. Two hours won’t set her back at all really.

So despite her better judgement she responds, “I can wait.” It earns her a big smile from Ray that makes her feel warm inside. She lets him guide her back to the store, unsurprised to find that Frank is currently reading a comic with his earbuds in.

Ray sighs, “Dude, if Brian sees you doing that he’s going to have your head.”

Frank just rolls his eyes, “He’s not supposed to get here until you’re heading out man, there’s no one here. What did you want me to do? Die of boredom?” He catches Illi’s eye as she follows Ray into the store. “Hey, long time no see.” He jokes.

“She’s going to hang out with us a little longer.” Ray explains. He disappears into a room marked “employees only” leaving Illi alone with Frank and unsure of what to do. She still feels awkward around him, though it’s fading now that she’s talked to him more. He’s a little weird for sure, but no weirder than any of the other people she’s considered friends in the past. Besides, if Ray says he’s a good guy she trusts his judgement.

“So, you thought we were cool enough to hang out longer?” Frank jokes, “Or is there some other reason you’re stuck here.”

“You guys are cool” Illi starts, “But Ray might have found out that I got a ride from my brother to get here and freaked out when I tried to walk home.”

“That sounds like Ray.” Frank gives her a big smile, showing off his lip piercing as he does. “But hey, it means you have more time to hang out with us, and that I have something to keep me from dying of boredom.”

Ray appears from the back room, carrying a folding chair as he does. “Here Illi, you can sit back here with us.” He says, setting it up. Illi freezes for just a second before heading behind the counter to sit with the two of them. It feels weird, in part because she very much does not work here and probably shouldn’t be behind the counter, but also in part because it feels different than their earlier conversations without the counter to separate them. She feels unsure what to do with herself, and settles hunched over in the chair with the fabric of her skirt bunched up in her hands. Ray and Frank talk to each other so easily, she feels out of place with them.

Once again she’s reminded that Ray has moved on and found new friends in her absence. She should be happy for him, it was her choice to stop keeping up with their friendship after all. But as she watches the easy way that he and Frank tease each other she’s reminded that the two of them used to be like that. She used to tell Ray everything, he used to know her better than even Mikey did. Now it feels like they’re strangers just getting to know each other again. She regrets letting go of their friendship so much. She should have just kept up with him. She should have trusted him, but she didn’t and now she’s paying the price for it.

She falls into her own mind, the way that she’s been doing more and more recently. She can’t even remember the last time she talked to anyone that wasn’t Mikey for more than a simple conversation. She’s out of her depth and feels like she’s drowning. She feels so very out of place here and starts to regret letting Ray talk her into staying. She should have just gone home. At least then she could be moping in her own bed instead of sitting here like a statue while Ray and Frank talked like friends.

“Illi, are you feeling ok?” Ray’s voice breaks her out of her mind. He looks so concerned, which only makes Illi feel worse. Here she is, interrupting his day and distracting him from his job. She’s hopeless, isn’t she?

“Fine. Just distracted.” She lies. She should do something, prove that she’s not just a waste of space. She tries to think of something to do, she can’t really clean up here or anything seeing as she doesn’t work here and doesn’t know where anything is supposed to go in the first place. She wishes she’d thought to bring a book, at least then she could have an excuse to be quiet and mopey. She does have her sketchbook, but she’d feel even more awkward if she had to maneuver it out of her bag right now.

“Talk to us girlie, we’re just gonna keep going around in circles without you.” Frank chimes in, cheerful as always. “Toro here says that Blair Witch is boring, which is obviously wrong. But he won’t believe me so we need someone else to settle the score. So, do you think Blair Witch was a breakthrough or are you wrong?”

Illi gives a small smile, thankful to have something else to focus on.

“Hey! I didn’t say it was bad, just said that it wasn’t the best movie ever. That’s just my opinion!” Ray protested.

“And it’s ok to be wrong.” Frank said, deadpan.

Illi laughed, “You know, Ray was so sure that it was real when we went to go see it in high school. Mikey, that’s my brother by the way, and I kept trying to tell him that we could go and investigate for ourselves. Maryland’s not that far away, you know? But Ray wouldn’t have it. He was like, scared shitless of the movie.”

Ray sputters, “It seemed real at the time! There were all those missing persons posters of the actors going up. Someone brought one to school, remember?” Illi does, she also remembers trying to tell Ray that there was no way the movie was real. They couldn’t just show that kind of thing in the cinema. It had to be a marketing stunt, even if for a few weeks there she’s been a bit convinced that it was real too.

Frank laughs loudly, “Of course you fell for it. That’s so funny, Toro.” He bends over, laughing like it’s the funniest thing in the world. “Illi you need to tell me more embarrassing stories about Ray. Like, I need them all. I didn’t know him when he was all awkward and young.”

“Illi, please don’t.” Ray begs her. “He won’t let me hear the end of it if he knows everything.”

Obviously Illi isn’t going to air all of his dirty laundry, but as his friend she feels like she should do at least a little bit of teasing. “Oh, his hair used to be short. He didn’t start growing it out until like, the summer after middle school. You should see his old pictures.”

“I can’t imagine you without all that hair. It’s like…a part of your brand.” Frank looks at Ray with big eyes.

“It was an era, ok?” Ray’s face is bright red. “I was like 14, I didn’t have the best sense of style.”

“The long hair definitely suits you better.” Illi laughs.

“I can say the same for you.” Ray shoots back, then looks guilty. Illi knows that he didn’t mean anything by it, but she agrees that he’s right.

“I think Illi could pull off short hair.” Frank says, totally oblivious to Ray’s panic.

“I like it long.” Illi says softly, searching for some way to change the subject. “Oh, Ray tried to get a girl to go with him to homecoming sophomore year and got turned down like, 3 separate times.”

“Illi!” Ray whines. “Stop embarrassing me.”

“I’m sorry! But as your friends we need to keep you in line.” Illi jokes. She likes hanging out with Frank and Ray like this. It feels like the three of them have been friends for a long time, getting along with Ray is just as easy as she remembers and it feels like she’s been friends with Frank for years. From the outside she’s not even sure that she would guess that the two of them only really officially met today.

“Dude, that’s hilarious.” Frank laughs harder. “Let me guess, someone else had already snatched Illi up so she couldn’t go with you as a pity date?”

Again it’s made so clear that Frank doesn’t know. He doesn’t know that Illi and Ray spent all of that dance hanging out together like the losers they were, or that they left early because of the group of jocks that wouldn’t stop picking on them. He doesn’t know that Ray would have never gone with Illi, because people would have never accepted two “guys” going together as a date. Frank doesn’t know, and that alone makes Illi feel small and hopeless.

“Something like that.” Ray answers for her, trying to steer the conversation away. “She was nice enough to hang out with me there though.” He tries to shoot her a reassuring smile that Illi can’t quite return yet. The answer satisfies Frank though, who almost immediately moves on to another conversation about what music Illi likes. Turns out that the two of them have pretty similar tastes, and Frank even gives her a few suggestions of other bands that he thinks she’ll like. Before she knows it the last two hours of Ray’s shift are up and an older man walks through the door.

“Hello Ray, Frank and…” He looks at Illi, "Someone who is not my employee. Guys, I don’t care whose girlfriend she is but if she’s going to visit you at work can you least pretend to be doing something?” Ray and Frank’s boss, Illi assumes that this is the Brian that was mentioned earlier, gives his two employees a withering look.

Ray stammers out an apology, something about how he just wanted Illi to be comfortable. She notices that neither man protests against Brian’s girlfriend comment and doesn’t know how she’s supposed to feel about that.

“It’s nice to meet you hun, I’m Brian and these two dumbasses work for me.” Brian reaches out a hand, which Illi takes.

“Illi is looking for a job and you should totally hire her.” Frank says suddenly. “She would like, totally improve business. Half the guys who come through here look like they’ve never seen a woman before, it would make us look progressive to have her behind the counter.”

“Kid, you look like you’ve never seen a woman before. Besides, no offense but I have enough trouble keeping the two of you on topic when you’re scheduled together as it is. I think that if I added this young lady to the mix you guys would never be able to get anything done.” Brian gives Illi a sympathetic look. “Look, business is steady but it’s not really in the budget to add another employee right now without cutting hours for these two.” Ray and Frank both make faces at that. Illi knew the rejection was coming, but there was a part of her that was hoping that she'd somehow be able to work with the two of them. She would feel a lot more at home here with people she already knew than at any of the other stores in the mall. “Sorry kid, but hey, a few of the other places are hiring.”

“We dropped off her applications this afternoon.” Ray says, grabbing his bag from behind the counter. “We’re going to head home now. It was nice to see you though Brian.”

“Same here.” Brian waves at the two of them.

“Illi, come back and see us again. Don’t leave me alone with Ray.” Frank says which mock alarm, Illi smiles and waves as she follows Ray through the door.

She might not have a job yet, but she has at least one friend, which is more than she could say this morning. Maybe being back in town wasn’t the worst thing in the world.

Chapter Text

Ray still drove the same car that he did back in high school. Illi feels like she took a step back in time as she buckles herself into the passenger seat.

“I think I remember the way to your grandma’s. It’s still the same place right?” Ray asks as he adjusts the mirror.

Illi nods, “I can direct you if you need me to.” She feels nervous for some reason. It’s just Ray, she’s been in his car so many times in the past and has shared countless hours with him but she’s in some kind of weird limbo with him after reconnecting. It feels weirdly intimate to be in the passenger seat in a way that makes her cheeks and face feel warm. Ray just nods in response to her statement as he shifts the car into gear and starts to pull out of the lot.

“How’s Mikey doing?” Ray asks casually.

Illi is glad for the shift in subject that gives her something to focus on aside from the butterflies in her stomach. “He’s fine. He kind of hates his job, I wish we could find him something at the mall. I think he’d be much happier there.” He wouldn’t make anywhere near the same amount as his current job though. Maybe if Illi could find something that brought in enough Mikey wouldn’t need to worry about working so hard to support the two of them. Illi hates making him take care of her. She hates feeling like it’s her fault that Mikey is so unhappy at work.

“Yeah, it would be nice to have him working nearby.” Ray agreed. “I haven’t seen him in a while. You could bring him to the shop sometime, I think we probably have some music he’d like and I remember him liking comics in high school.”

Illi nods. She thinks Mikey would like the store. Mikey would probably like seeing Ray again too. They hadn’t really been friends with the same people in school because of their age gap, but Ray was over at their house so much that Mikey kind of had no choice but to become friends with him as well. She’ll have to tell Mikey about today and see if he wants to find a day to hang out with Ray.

It doesn’t take long for Ray to make it to her place. In a blink they’re sitting on the road outside of the house. Ray unlocks the door, but before Illi can leave he puts a hand on her shoulder to root her in place. “I was wondering…um” Ray’s face is quickly going very red. “If I could put my number in your phone? You know, in case you need a ride again? I can’t promise that I’ll always be there, I still have school and work but if I’m free I can drive you around so you don’t have to walk.”

He’s rambling, and his nerves are rubbing off on Illi and making her face slowly heat up as well. “You don’t have to!” She protests but Ray just shakes his head.

“You’re my friend Illi, I don’t want you to have to walk around on your own. It’s dangerous!” He awkwardly rubs the back of his neck. “Besides, I want to. I missed you a lot, I want to be able to hang out more.”

“You don’t have to drive me around to hang out. I’ll come and visit you at work and we can hang out outside of work…if you want to.” Illi could just curl up and disappear. Why were things so awkward with Ray. He was her best friend! Why was she getting so bashful around him?

“I want to.” She and Ray just look at each other for a moment. His eyes are dark and deep like melted honey and Illi doesn’t want to look away, but she has to if she wants to hand him her cell. If his number is still the same thing she knows it, but she lets him type it in anyway. “Call me if you need anything. I mean it.”

Illi just nods, unsure. She feels like she should leave, but she can’t make her body move to open the door. She just keeps looking at Ray, and to make it worse, he just keeps looking at her.

“Um,” He starts, his face somehow turning a new shade of red. “Would it be weird if I asked for a hug?”

Illi shakes her head and is then instantly engulfed in Ray’s arms. She hadn’t even realized how much she’d missed his hugs in their time apart. The angle is awkward from the way that they’re seated in the car, but Ray’s arms are strong and firm around her as her face is pressed into his chest. He smells like himself, which is a weird thing to think but Illi has no other way to put it. He smells like a mix of the shampoo he uses and ink, probably from the books he was just shelving at work. It’s an addictive smell and she misses it the moment that he pulls back.

“I really missed you Illi, I’m serious about calling. You can call me whenever and I’ll be there.”

“Thanks Ray. I really missed you too.” Eventually though Illi knows that she needs to leave. No matter how she feels she and Ray can’t sit on the street outside the hour forever, even if she wishes she could freeze time down to just the two of them at this moment. She thanks him again for the ride and all his help before leaving to unlock the door. As she does so, she notices that Ray doesn’t actually drive away until he’s seen her get into the house safely, which makes the butterflies in her stomach flutter all the harder. She doesn’t know why she’s acting so weird about this. It’s just Ray, he’s driven her home and given her hugs so many times before.

But not like this. Not when he knew she was a girl. She knows that shouldn’t change things. She doubts it changes anything for Ray and she doesn’t want to make their newly rekindled friendship weird by catching feelings for him.

But he’s just so sweet and she feels blind for not realizing just how sweet he was earlier. She collapses onto her bed in her clothes, pulling a pillow to her chest as she feels her face get warm. She’s starting to understand why she feels so weird about Ray, which only makes things feel weirder.

She feels blind for not realizing how cute he was before. He’s tall, his hair is cute and he’s got the most adorable smile of any guy she’s ever met. Then there’s his personality. Ray is quite literally the sweetest guy ever. He’s nice, he cares about driving girls home and watching them get in the door before driving off. He’s got strong arms that make her feel safe when they’re around her and he laughs at her bad jokes.

She’s got it bad.

But then there’s Frank. She doesn’t know him as well, but Illi really enjoyed spending time with him today and it’s clear that he at the very least thinks she’s cute. He said as much…multiple times. She doesn’t know if he’d still feel the same if he knew everything about her, but she wouldn’t mind getting to know him better.

He and Ray are making being back in town so much more interesting. Now more than ever, Illi hopes that she’ll land a job at the mall so she’ll at least have an excuse to hang out with the two of them more.

Illi lets herself lay on her bed like a schoolgirl for a half hour more before forcing herself to get up and actually do something. She starts by tidying up her and Mikey’s room. She clears any empty bottles and trash she finds and takes it outside, before gathering up the dirty clothes that litter the room. She really needs to do the wash soon, but she’s able to find a clean pair of jeans and a shirt she thinks she can scrub the pits of in the sink to make sure she doesn’t smell for tomorrow. She doesn’t even know for sure that she’s going to be able to make it back to the mall tomorrow, but she’s already planning out the day and an outfit to wear that will make her feel cute. She shakes her head, she needs to focus on something else.

She makes her way to the kitchen, deciding to make some pasta for dinner though it’s not a hard choice since they don’t have a ton of options right now. She’s going to wait a bit before she starts so it’s not cold by the time that Mikey gets home, but she gathers everything she needs and starts on a grocery list for the next shopping trip even though she just went the day before. Altogether her chores don’t take her too long and she’s left bored and restless in no time. She starts on the pasta, though it takes her about half an hour to actually finish cooking it up and she leaves it on the stove to keep it warm until Mikey gets home and is once again left with nothing to do.

Illi hates sitting in her thoughts, and it doesn’t take her long to retreat into her sketchbook. She doesn’t even consciously make the choice to draw Ray, it’s like her pencil moves on its own to make the shape of his bouncy hair and wide smile. It’s not the first time she’s drawn Ray, but it’s the first time the act of drawing him makes her heart speed up as if she was doing something wrong. She focuses on all the little details that had been softened over time in her memory, the curve of his nose and the way that his front teeth poked out between his lips when he smiled. In the end she has a pretty good rendition of Ray, though it would be better if she could draw from life. She could ask Ray at some point, she’s made him model for portraits before for her drawing classes.

She still has some time, and lets her mind run wild for a second before she gets inspiration for her next drawing. It’s harder to draw Frank, she’s never drawn him before and has only just met him. She doesn’t quite get the shape of his eyes right, but it’s fun to try and put him to paper. She doesn’t like her end result, she’ll have to take a better look at him the next time they see each other if she wants to draw him better. She wishes she was bold enough to ask him to sit for a portrait, Frank seems like he’d be interesting to draw, but she’s too timid. It feels weird to draw a guy that she just met, especially a guy that was so outwardly interested in her. What would he think if he knew that she was drawing him? She thinks that he would probably be flattered. It’s not as if she would ever tell him, she doesn’t want him to think that she’s some kind of freak who draws everyone she just meets.

She’s broken from her trance by the sound of keys in the door. Illi suddenly feels embarrassed by her sketching and slams her sketchbook shut as Mikey walks in. He looks exhausted and doesn’t do much more than grunt before disappearing into their bedroom. He reemerges a few minutes later in his street clothes, still looking so tired. Illi feels horrible, his job is taking so much out of him. She sends off a silent prayer that she gets one of the jobs she applied for today so that she can take some of the weight off of Mikey’s shoulder.

“How was work?” She asks, rising from her seat to grab two bowls and start serving up the pasta.

“Boring as always.” Mikey grumbled. “How about you, any luck today?”

Illi gives a small smile, “I applied everywhere I could at the mall. I don’t have any interviews yet, but a few of them seem promising.”

“Don’t worry too hard if nothing comes out of it. I can keep the two of us going.” Mikey tries to appease her. Illi kind of hates the implication that she won’t be able to find work. She knows that Mikey doesn’t mean anything by it and was just trying to be reassuring.

“I want to help.” Illi replied. They’ve had this conversation countless times and she knows that if they get back into it, they’re going to talk around in circles. Instead she decides to pivot the conversation. “I saw Ray today. He works at a new music store at the mall.”

That gets Mikey’s attention. He puts his fork down, “Things went well?” He doesn’t need to put his worries into words for Illi to know what he’s worried about.

She nods. “He was really sweet about things. I don’t know why I was ever worried that he wouldn’t understand.” Her face heats up again as she remembers the hug she and Ray shared when he dropped her off. Mikey doesn’t need to know about that though. “He gave me a ride home, actually. He offered to help with giving me rides to the mall if I get a job there.”

Mikey’s eyebrows knit together in concern. “I can give you rides Illi, you don’t need to worry about that.”

She worries that he’s taking it the wrong way. “I know Mikey, but you work so much. Ray said it wouldn’t be too much of an issue. You know how he is, he’s like, the nicest guy in the world.”

“I know. It’s just…I want to be able to take care of you Illi.”

She rolls her eyes, “You don’t need to Mikey. Maybe I want to take care of you too.” The two sat in silence for a moment, “Ray wanted to see you, you know. We should try and find a time when all three of us are free so we can hang out just like old times.”

Mikey gives her a small smile, their earlier disagreement temporarily forgotten. “Just like old times. That would be nice.”

Chapter Text

She wasn’t actually able to visit Ray at work the next day, on account of the fact that he wasn’t actually working. He had school in the morning and afternoon and was very apologetic about it, but Illi assured him that it was fine. They called after dinner and she ended up staying on the line for nearly a half an hour before she eventually had to let him go so he could get some rest. She tried her best to ignore the looks Mikey was shooting her. She wondered if her budding crush was really that apparent.

“So. Ray.” He said as the two of them were getting ready for bed.

Illi flushed. “It’s not like that! I just missed him a lot. He’s fun to talk to.”

“I remember Ray. He’s your best friend Illi.” Mikey looked up at the ceiling. “I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

“Ray wouldn’t hurt me.” she protested the very idea that Ray could do anything that would hurt her. The guy was a big softie, he wouldn’t even hurt a fly.

“Not intentionally.” Mikey relented. “You can’t fault me for being protective over you Illi, you’re my only sister.” She wants to point out that he’s her only brother and that she’s the older sibling and should be the one looking out for him, but she already knows how that argument is going to pan out.

She lucks out the next day and Mikey doesn’t need to work until the late afternoon, which isn’t great for him since it means he’s going to be working very late and probably won’t get home until she’s ready for bed. She really wishes he didn’t have to do that. She can see his job sucking the life out of him, but thankfully he has the next day off and can actually rest. She’s already thinking ahead about asking if she can borrow the car that day, she wants to go and see Ray and Frank again.

She leaves Mikey sleeping, writing out a short note to let him know that she’s going to the laundromat to do their wash. She fills up the washers with their clothes, feeling good about actually doing something with herself today. It’s a boring wait but she has a book and her sketchbook and plenty to think about. She draws while the washers are running, drawing people has always been her favorite. Mikey has been her go to model for ages, she’s known him forever and has every detail of his face memorized by this point. Today though she goes back to her drawings of Ray and Frank from last night. She tries to fill in the gaps, wracking her brain to remember everything about them.

She wants to see them again, she wants to hang out with them and really feel like she has a real friend group again. She didn’t even realize how lonely she was here until the two of them let her in so easily.

The chair across from her pulls out with a gravelly noise “We have got to stop meeting like this.” Illi whips her head up, somehow unsurprised to see Frank. He smiles down at her as he sits across from her, curiously looking at her sketchbook. Illi is suddenly very aware of the fact that she was drawing him without ever bringing up her habit of drawing friends. “Woah, is that me?”

Her face goes red and she slams the sketchbook shut. “I wasn’t trying to be weird about it. Just got bored I guess.”

“Nah, that’s super cool. I don’t think anyone has ever drawn me before.” Frank smiles widely. “You’re really good. You didn’t tell me you were an artist.”

“It didn’t come up.” Illi mumbles. She didn’t dress cute today, she didn’t think anyone would really see her. She wonders if whatever spell Frank was under is going to be broken by her baggy jeans and old band t-shirt. He seemed to think that she was some kind of effortlessly cool girl, what would he think if he realized just how awkward and hopeless she really was?

“It totally should have. You sell yourself short Illi. I don’t know how Ray hid you from me for so long.”

Illi’s face gets warmer. “He wasn’t trying to. We really hadn’t talked for a while, he didn’t even know that I was coming back to town.”

“Well, I’m glad that he’s your friend. If he wasn’t I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t even be talking right now.” He’s right. If it wasn’t for Ray she would have just brushed her first meeting with Frank off as a weird one-off meeting. At the time she’d been annoyed, but now she thought that Frank had a certain amount of charm to him and his weirdness. She realizes now that this is the first time that she has talked to Frank one on one without Ray there to play mediator, unless you count their first meeting and Frank’s failed flirting attempt.

“Yeah, Ray’s good like that.” A small smile crosses Illi’s face at just the mention of their shared friend.

“Yeah, dude’s basically my best friend.” Frank leans back. “And maybe my only real friend. I’m new to town and he’s one of the first people I met who wasn’t a total asshole.” That sounds about right. Illi lets herself relax into the conversation, lowering her hold on the sketchbook and taking a deep breath. This is just Frank, Ray’s friend and maybe her friend? She’s not really sure. Once her sketchbook is no longer held tight to her chest her shirt is visible and Frank’s face lights up. “Oh shit, Joy Division? He questions. I knew you had good music taste.”

Illi nods, “It’s actually my brother’s shirt, but I like them too.”

“Mikey, right?” Frank asks. “If he’s anywhere near as cool as you then I’d like to meet him.” Illi wants the same thing. She’s so excited that she’s started to make some friends in town. It makes her feel better about her life and the way it’s going. She might not have a job yet or any plan of what she really wants to do with herself, but at least she’s not a total friendless shut it.

Frank is surprisingly easy to talk to once they get into the swing of a conversation. They chat about their favorite bands, finding out that they have a lot of overlapping tastes. Frank is cool, a bit of a dork but still really cool. He knows all kinds of local bands and he plays guitar and he has way more tattoos than Illi could see. In return she tells him about her art dreams, feeling a little silly as she does.

“I know it’s a pipe dream, but I want to make comics one day.” She says.

“I think you could do it. The art I saw was good.” Frank smiles. “And if it makes you feel better I think my purpose is to be in a band. It’s what I’ve wanted since I was a kid.” It does make her feel better to know that Frank has also held onto his childhood dream this whole time. “You know, Ray’s not working tonight but I’m closing. You could come out and hang out with me if you want.” Frank looks away as he says it, fidgeting with his sleeves.

Illi would like that, he’s easier to talk to than she was expecting. “Sorry, but my brother is working late and I won’t have a car to get there.” she explains. “Another day maybe?”

Frank looks disappointed, but bounces back pretty easily. “Hey, no sweat. Once you get hired at the mall we can hang out all the time.” He shifts in his seat, “Well, um. This might be a bit weird but do you want to come to one of those local shows I mentioned? There’s one happening on Friday and I’m not working or anything. They’re pretty cool, kinda underground but it’s the kinda scene I think that you’d fit right into.” He’s talking fast. “I know we kinda just met but you’re cool and I want to hang out more.”

Illi hasn’t been to a local show in a while and truthfully she’s too nervous to go on her own. But Frank knows this band and knows the local scene. Frank is cool, he knows people and he wants to introduce her to one of the bands he likes. She doesn’t have any plans on Friday, not that she ever has plans these days.

“Yeah, I’m free.” She says. “When and where?”

“At a local bar, you’re 21 right?” She nods. “Good. It starts at 8 but I’ll pick you up a little before that. Can I give you my number.” Illi hands her phone over and lets Frank get halfway through putting his number in her phone before realizing that she might have just been asked on a date. More than that she might have just agreed to a date. Frank didn’t mention anyone else going with them, he didn’t even bring up Ray at all. Her face suddenly goes very hot. Frank wants to go out to a show with her. Just her. He’s going to pick her up and everything.

He didn’t say it was a date though. Is she reading too much into this? She doesn’t know. This is uncharted territory for her. No one has ever been interested in her, much less a cool guy who wants to take her out to a bar to see a show. Could she ask if it was a date? Would that ruin things if Frank wasn’t thinking of it like that? She doesn’t know. She suddenly wants to ask Mikey, but she knows that he would panic and worry about her.

Frank doesn’t even know she realizes. He doesn’t know and what if he finds out and feels tricked or betrayed? There’s no elegant or easy way to slip it into the conversation now and a selfish part of her is worried that knowing that Illi isn’t exactly what he thinks she is will ruin things. She doesn’t know if this is a date, but she knows that there’s a certain allure to the idea of just going out with a cute boy and having a normal night like any other girl. That’s all she wants; to be a normal girl.

She lets Frank keep talking, he really can talk a lot. She’s not really processing it, her mind is stuck on their maybe-date and what she should do about it. Should she dress up? Call it off? Tell Mikey? Tell Ray? She doesn’t know and she’s starting to panic just a little bit. Eventually the day comes to an end and the alarm for her dryers goes off. She doesn’t want to leave Frank and their conversation, but she also needs to get home to make sure that Mikey has the car to go to work.

“Sorry, my brother needs the car.” She apologizes.

“You’re fine. I’ll be seeing you around anyway. Don’t be a stranger at the store, and I’ll text you again about Friday, alright?” Frank smiles brightly as she bags up her and Mikey’s clothes and leaves the laundromat. She feels all floaty and light as she drives home.

Mikey is up and waiting for her, looking at her with suspicion as she enters the home. “What’s got you in such a good mood?” He asks.

Illi debates telling him for a second. She tells Mikey everything. But she knows that this is going to make Mikey worry and she doesn’t want his anxieties to ruin the high she has from being maybe-asked out by Frank. Besides, a part of her wants this to be her little secret. It makes her feel good. It makes her feel normal.

“Nothing!” She says it too quickly and she knows that Mikey knows she’s keeping something from him, but he just frowns and lets her move on. “I did the wash, your work stuff should be clean.” she starts to sort their things into two piles, one for her and one for him.

“Thanks.” He says, helping her sort. “You know that you do enough around here, right? You don’t need to worry about me thinking you’re a burden or something.”

“I had the time.” Illi protests.

“It’s not just about this.” Mikey sighs. “I love you Illi, don’t you ever forget that.” He gives her a sidehug before grabbing his work shirt and jeans and heading to the bathroom to change. She thinks over his words as she puts their laundry away and hears him puttering about getting ready for work. It’s not that she thinks she’s a burden on him, she knows she is. She knows that without her and her issues Mikey would have a very different life. She knows that he misses the parties and wild energy of the city, that he could have stayed there forever but that it was pulling her down. She knows that she’s the reason they’re back in town and the reason that Mikey is working a job that he hates.

She stews in her self-pity until the phone rings. There’s only three people she can think of it being, she doesn’t know that Ray or Frank would have any reason to call her right now but her heartrate picks up at the thought of the two of them. It could also be Mikey needing something from her. She doesn’t check the number before answering it, she would get her answer of who it was soon enough anyway.

“Hello?”

“Is this Ms. Illi Mcmillin?” an unfamiliar voice speaks from the other end.

Her brow furrows. “Yes, that’s me.”

“Ah, we spoke a few days ago, at the bookstore.” the man on the other end says. “I was reading over your resume and I think you would be a good fit. How would you feel about coming in for an interview? Don’t worry too hard about it, I want this to be a more casual thing to get to know you better.”

Illi was so excited she could scream. “Of course! Thank you so much!” She couldn’t believe her luck to have two good things happen to her on the same day.

Chapter Text

Illi was incredibly nervous before her interview. Luckily she was able to schedule it on Thursday of that same week so she didn’t need to wait long. The only downside was that because of Mikey’s schedule and her interview she hadn’t been able to return to the record store to hang out with Ray and Frank. She had texted both of them in the meantime, and called Ray again even though she hadn’t been able to see him face to face. She was hoping to be able to hang out with them after her interview, both of them were super excited for her, maybe even more than she was.

“They’d be lucky to have you there.” Ray said on the phone the morning of the interview. “Anywhere would. You’re really special, Illi.” Illi’s face was burning at Ray’s complements. She couldn’t remember if he was always so uplifting, if he was then she really hadn’t appreciated him enough back in high school. He was her biggest cheerleader, with Mikey and Frank close behind. “Come stop by and see Frank and I when you’re done, we’re both going to be there today.”

“I know, I’ll be there.” Illi said, “I missed seeing you guys.” She feels silly saying it out loud, but she can practically hear the smile in Ray’s voice as he responds.

“We missed you too. When you get the job we’ll be able to see you more.” She liked his confidence, talking about the job like she already had it.

She was a nervous mess in the car, Mikey had work so he was dropping her off. Ray had already volunteered his own car as a ride home, even asked Illi to give Mikey the phone so he could give her brother a reassurance. Mikey still hadn’t been able to meet up with Ray and Frank but he was more comfortable with Ray since he knew him when he and Illi were younger. Illi was also pretty sure that he was glad she had a ride home.

As she sat in the passenger seat she nervously fidgeted with her dress. She didn’t really know how to dress for an interview. She didn’t have any “business” type clothes and anything professional-ish that she owned was more masculine than she wanted to wear these days. She was able to throw together an outfit that consisted of a rather plain, fitted black dress with a high neckline and hem that reached just above her knees. She paired it with a pair of flats and some sheer black tights, and put a deep purple cardigan on top. Mikey told her she looked good, which helped. She hoped that she wasn’t doing too much, she’d even done her hair and done some light makeup to try and look nicer, she just hoped it didn’t look like she was trying too hard.

She didn’t have enough time to stop by the record store before her interview, but honestly she thought that might make her more nervous. She was on edge the whole walk to the bookstore, a part of her was worried that she’d get in and it would all be a joke. But once she opened the door she was greeted by the owner.

“Hi, Illi right?” he asked, offering a hand which she shook.

“Yeah, I’m here for the interview?” She tried to say it confidently, but it came out sounding like a question. She felt so stupid, but the owner just laughed.

“Honey, you’re way too nervous right now. I promise this is more a formality than anything. Just be yourself, I’m interested in learning more about you, not interrogating you about your passion for bookselling.” Illi nodded, following him to a back room after he flipped the sign on the door to read closed.

“Sorry.” Illi said as she sat down. “I’m just nervous.”

“That’s ok. I was very nervous at your age too.” He leaned on his desk, “You can call me Mike, can I call you Illi?”

She nodded, “Yeah, it’s just Illi. I know it sounds like a nickname but that’s the whole thing.”

Mike nodded, “I like it, it’s unique. So Illi, what brought you here?”

Illi didn’t know if she should tell the truth, “Umm, I like books?” it sounded like a question again, “That sounded dumb, um I’ve always liked reading and It’s something I like to talk about.”

Mike nodded, “What kind of books are your favorite?”

Illi nodded, she could answer this question. “I like fantasy, I read a lot of dnd-style high fantasy. Oh, and vampire books, I know they’re made fun of a lot but I think there’s a certain appeal to vampires. But mostly, I like comics. I’ve always liked them, my brother and I spent so much money collecting them when we were younger and I even wanted to be a comic artist when I was in high school.” She hadn’t meant to say that much, but it had all come pouring out of her once she started talking. Mike was looking at her with a soft smile that put her at ease. She didn’t think she’d said anything wrong based on Mike’s expression.

“That’s great. I can tell you’re passionate. I will admit, comics are not my forte, but we do have a small selection of graphic novels and manga here that I think you could assist customers with.” Mike put her at ease, and as the interview continued Illi grew less nervous with the questions. It was pretty simple, Mike asked her about transportation, which she might have been a little vague about, but she had a ride most days and she could walk if she didn’t. He also asked about her schooling, other jobs and obligations and other general questions. Illi was hopeful, she wanted this to go well so bad but she was worried about getting her hopes up too much.

About 45 minutes after the start Mike leaned back, “Well Ms. Illi, I think this interview went really well. You’d be a great fit at our store and I would like to offer you a position. I can’t promise too many hours, likely about 16-20 a week but if one of your coworkers needs a shift covered you’ll have options to pick up more hours.” Illi nodded, her heart soaring at his words. She’d done it, she’d found work! “You can start on Monday if that works for you. How does 11am sound?”

Illi nods, “Thank you so much Mike!” her voice went high with excitement. “Really, this is great news.”

Mike smiles, “I’m glad to make your day. You seem like a good kid, I think you’ll fit right in here.” With that he shook her hand again, before letting her go. She was practically floating as she speed walked right to the record store.

She flung the door open, not even caring if there were other customers in the store. “I got the job!” she cheered. She heard a loud whoop from the counter as Frank practically leaped over the divider to run to her. From behind a shelf she saw Ray’s hair bounce as he set down a box of merchandise to do the same.

Frank grabbed her hands, surprising her as he swung her around in a circle. “I can’t believe it! You’re going to be working here! You totally need to come hang out on your breaks!”

“I will, I will!” she was shocked by Frank’s attention, she hadn’t even touched him before and here he was, swinging her around like it was nothing. She was reminded suddenly that their maybe-date was tomorrow. It just made her all the more flustered. “I seriously can’t believe it. I totally thought I was going to blow the interview.”

Ray gave her an easy smile, moving closer as Frank dropped her arms and stopped spinning. “We both knew you would get the job. I told you, you’re special Illi.” Illi flushes even harder. Something about Ray telling her she was special really got her heart beating fast. “I know I never had any doubts about it.”

“Me either, Ray’s right Illi, you’re something special.” Frank gives her a toothy grin. “When do you start?”

Illi is overwhelmed by their praise. She really doesn’t think of herself as something special. She’s normal, honestly probably less than normal. She thinks she’s pretty boring, all she does is read comics and doodle in her sketchbook. By contrast Ray and Frank are the special ones, Ray’s smart as hell and also serious enough to get himself somewhere special. And Frank is energetic and driven enough to make it to the band he dreams of. Illi doesn’t know that she can compare to them.

“I start Monday.” She says. “I’m so excited. I can’t wait to tell Mikey.”

“Let him know that I can give you rides home if you need them.” Ray says. “You might need to wait a little bit if my shift isn’t done, but if I get out before you I’ll wait up.”

Illi shakes her head. “You don’t have to do that. I’ve been thinking of getting a bike to make it easier to get here.”

“I don’t mind.” Ray smiles. “Just wanna make sure you get home safe.”

“I can help with rides too.” Frank chimed in.

“If you’re brave enough to ride with him.” Ray playfully shoved Frank. “I think he nearly killed me last time he gave me a ride.”

Frank scoffs and rolls his eyes. “He’s being dramatic, it wasn’t that bad.”

“It was.”

Illi laughs, thinking belatedly that she’ll figure out if Frank drives like a madman tomorrow since he’s picking her up for the show. She feels awkward remembering it. She doesn’t know how to ask Frank if they’re going as a date or if she’s thinking too highly of herself. She also doesn’t know she’s allowed to ask while Ray is in the room. Frank didn’t mention inviting him and she’s not sure if he wants to invite Ray. She’s thinking so hard about it and working herself up into a tizzy.

“Come, we’ll bring you a chair.” Ray motions Illi to follow them behind the counter.

“Will Brian be mad?” Illi questions. Brian didn’t seem like the kind of boss to get mad, but she didn’t want to get her friends in trouble.

“He’s not going to be here.” Frank said. “Besides, I think he likes you. He keeps teasing us about you. He thinks you’re Ray’s girlfriend.” Frank smirks as Ray and Illi both go red at the comment.
“Oh, sorry.” Illi says awkwardly. It might be the wrong answer, since Ray’s face falls. She doesn’t know what else to say though. She doesn’t want to embarrass him by having everyone think that they’re dating just because she presents as a girl now.

“He doesn’t mind.” Frank says offhandedly, brushing past all the awkwardness in a way that only someone who hasn’t known their best friend for years could. “He gets all flustered but he never really fights back.”

“Frank, cool it. You’re making Illi uncomfortable!” Ray protests, red faced. He turns to her, “Sorry, he’s an asshole. Though I guess you already know that.”

“He’s fun though.” Illi took the chair they offered her, she feels like she belongs as she sits behind the counter with them. They make her feel better, like she’s someone worth being friends with. She feels normal, like a normal 22 year old girl hanging out with friends. She never realizes how lonely her current life is until she has to go home to an empty house and wait for Mikey to get off of work. But here, at the mall with Ray and Frank she feels good. It makes her excited to start her new job on Monday. The idea of being able to bring something to the table for her and Mikey is made better by the thought of seeing Ray and Frank nearly every day. It feels like her life is some kind of teen movie where all she has to do all day is hang out with her friends.

As she talks to them about anything and everything, from the comics they like to movies they hate she just feels normal. She’s not worried about being enough of a girl, or having enough money to take care of Mikey and support herself. She’s not thinking about her grandma’s declining health or the way her dreams of making comics are feeling further and further away by the day. All she’s worried about is this moment and her time with Ray and Frank. She never wants it to end.

In a quiet moment when Ray runs to the bathroom she finally musters up the courage to ask Frank, “Did you tell Ray that we’re going out tomorrow?”

Frank cocks his head, “I didn’t think to mention it. I think he works, did you want to tell him?”

Illi shrugs, “Just didn’t know if I should bring it up. Didn’t want to talk about plans if he’s not invited.”

“It’s not that he’s not invited…” Frank trails off. “I just wasn’t really thinking about him when I asked you. He’s the one working tomorrow night so I’m not on. Do you think he’d be mad if we went without him? I know he was your friend first, I hadn’t really thought of it”

“He’ll be ok.” Illi says quickly. She feels bad that neither of them told him, but she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings. “We’ll plan to go out, all three of us, another day. We should catch a movie or something.”

Frank’s eyes light up. “Yeah, totally. We should go see something scary.” He starts to cackle, “Ray’s gonna hate us.”

Just in time Ray comes in, “I’m gonna hate what? What did you do Frank?”

Frank just rolls his eyes, “Why do you always assume I did something wrong? Maybe Illi’s the one causing problems.”

“Because I know you, Frank.” Ray crosses his arms as he turns to Illi, “Tell me Illi, what am I gonna hate?”

“Frank wants to go and see a scary movie.” Illi answers. “I suggested that we all hang out.” She feels bad that Ray doesn’t know about the show tomorrow and feels like she should at least tell him, even if he’s not able to go. “We’re seeing a show tomorrow, Frank knows a band that’s playing in town.”

Frank nods, and she feels like she made the right choice, even as Ray’s face falls slightly. “Sorry man, I wasn’t even thinking that you couldn’t make it when I invited her out. Next time we’ll find a day all three of us can go. She just mentioned wanting to know some of the local bands and I figured that I could take her.”

“Yeah, that’s cool.” Ray’s voice is slightly tight and Illi starts to regret telling him. Maybe it was kinder not to let him know that they were going to hang out without him. “You sure the place is safe, Frank?”

“Yeah, and I’ve got her.” Frank says, slightly defensive. Illi feels caught in the middle. “She’s gonna be fine Ray, we’re just gonna go see some music.”

“Just call me if you need anything. And don’t have too much to drink if you’re driving.” Ray sits down again, more tense than last time.

“Stop being such a mom. We’ll deal you in next time, alright?” Frank leans back and Illi wonders if he can read Ray the same way she can. If he can read the emotion on his face. Illi thinks it might be jealousy. She wonders if she did something wrong by accepting Frank’s invite. He was Ray’s friend first and she didn’t mean to get between the two of them. She and Frank exchange guilty looks and she wonders if he feels the same way.

Chapter Text

Illi wasn’t sure if she was imagining it, but she felt like Ray was more subdued than usual after she told him about the show she and Frank were going to see the next day. She didn’t regret the choice, she would feel worse if Ray found out after the fact and hadn’t known that the two of them were hanging out without him. She knows him well enough to know that would hurt his feelings. She also knew him well enough to know that something was bothering him, yet he wasn’t saying a thing about it.

She didn’t know if Frank felt the same dampening of the energy in their group. They keep joking and chatting, Ray and Frank pausing every now and then to help customers or do their jobs. Illi feels at home and eventually she stops focusing so hard on Ray’s attitude. It’s not until he and Frank have closed up and she’s following Ray out to his car that she remembers his earlier reaction to her going out with Frank.

“I didn’t mean to exclude you.” She says once she’s buckled and Ray has started driving out of the parking lot. “It just slipped my mind to tell you.”

Ray’s hands squeeze tight on the wheel. “I’m not mad.” His death grip on the wheel suggests the opposite.

“I know you Ray, I can tell it’s bothering you.” Illi points out. “We didn’t mean to plan it on a day you couldn’t make it. If it really bothers you I’ll tell Frank I can’t make it and we can choose another day where we can all make it.” She wants to go tomorrow, but she also doesn’t want to ruin things with Ray. He’s her oldest friend and she’s worried about isolating him by getting closer to Frank. She wants to be close to both of them, but not if it comes at the expense of losing her relationship with the other.

Ray sighs heavily, “I’m being stupid. I don’t want you guys to skip the show, especially if you want to get to know local bands. I know that Frank is going to be there with you the whole time, but I guess I’m just a little jealous that I won’t be.” Illi’s heart is pounding hard in her chest. “Just…can we hang out sometime soon? Just us?”

She nods, “I want that too.” she says quickly. “Frank is great and all, I can see why you two are friends. But I miss you and the way it used to be.”

Ray smiles at that and it’s like the tension in his body releases at her words. “Cool. I’d like that. Any preference of where you’d want to go?” Illi shrugs. Honestly, she just wants to be with Ray. She really had missed him in their time apart. “If you don’t mind we could just hang out at my place?” Ray’s face is starting to look red. “My parents aren’t going to be home much this weekend so we can use the TV in the living room.”

Illi nods. She doesn’t know why but she feels a little giddy at the invitation. She’d spent so much time at Ray’s house as a teen so it shouldn’t feel as intimate as it does now, but for some reason it feels so personal to be at his house with his parents gone. She knows that nothing will happen. Ray is just her best friend, he’s not into her like that. But regardless, she’s glad for the chance to spend some extra time with him outside of his place of work. “That’ll be really fun, Ray.” she said. “Just like old times.”

“Just like old times.” Ray smiles. They’re quiet for the rest of the drive, but once they reach her Grandmother’s house Illi notices Mikey waiting outside. She realizes now that he doesn’t know she got the job, she hadn’t had time to call him since she wasn’t sure when he’d be home from work. She’s excited to let him know. Ray seems to tense up again as he parks the car and starts to climb out alongside Illi. Illi throws her arms around Mikey’s shoulder, pulling his lanky frame close to her.

“I got the job, Mikes!” she cheers, “I start Monday!”

Mikey gives her a loose hug, “That’s great Illi.” he turns to Ray who has joined them on the sidewalk, the two nod at each other, “Ray.” He says in his usual monotone.

“Great to see you Mikey.” Mikey separates from Illi to shake Ray’s hand, though since Ray is Ray he ends up pulling Mikey into a hug anyway. It’s weird, he hadn’t been that open with hugging Illi the first time they reunited and the two of them were always closer. Maybe it was because she was a girl now? She didn’t know, but it was something that tugged at her mind.

“That’s for giving my sister a ride.” Mikey said. “I’ll see if I can shift my hours so I can help her out more.”

Ray shakes his head, “Don’t worry about it, I don’t mind. I can help with rides in the morning too if we work similar hours. I already told Illi, but I’ll say it again; if you guys need anything let me know. My family and I would be happy to help.” Mikey smiles and Illi senses that Ray passed whatever test it was that Mikey was giving him. She knows her brother well enough to know that this was not a random encounter. Mikey was fiercely protective, only more so once Illi came out and started to transition. He knew that things weren’t always easy for her and didn’t want to see her get hurt.

“Thanks Ray, I’m glad she met you again. I don’t know that I could trust someone else to drive my sister around.”

Ray laughs, “I’m sure you’ll get along with Frank once you finally meet him, though I don’t know how much I trust him in the car with Illi.” he turns to Illi with a joking smile, “I wasn’t kidding, he drives like a maniac. Any chance you can convince him to let you drive tomorrow?”

Mikey is instantly on edge. Illi maybe hadn’t really told him about her possible-date with Frank tomorrow night. She’d been nervous about how he would react and in the end just…hadn’t said anything. Mikey’s eyes sharpen as he looks between the two, she’d mentioned Frank offhandedly but not as more than Ray’s coworker whom she’d talked to a few times.

“Frank?” He asked, “Why are you driving with him?” He turned to Illi.

“We’re going to show.” Illi averts her eyes, feeling guilty.

“Ray can’t drive you?” Mikey turns to Ray, raising a brow.

Ray looks at the two, probably realizing that he just revealed something that Mikey didn’t know. He looks guilty as he shakes his head, “I’m not going. I’m working tomorrow night.”

“So you’re just going with this Frank guy?” Mikey looks at Illi with an expression that says that there will be more to this conversation later. “Is he a good guy? Should I be letting my sister go out with him?” He asks Ray.

“He’s a friend.” Ray says. “I trust him.”

“Mikey! I’m an adult, you don’t get to decide who I hang out with!” Illi protests. She’s embarrassed that Mikey is acting like this again, even more so that he’s doing it in front of Ray.

“I just want to make sure you’re safe!” Mikey protests. “I don’t know Frank. I didn’t even know you were going out tomorrow!”

“I was going to tell you, it’s fine Mikey.” Illi huffs. “Stop babying me.”

Ray looks at the two, looking more uncomfortable by the minute. “Mikey, I promise you that Frank is a good guy.”

“I’ve never met him! How am I supposed to know that?” Mikey questions, his voice rising with emotion.

“You trust me!” Illi exclaims. “And if you can’t trust me, which apparently you can’t, then you trust Ray!”

“Illi-” Mikey cut himself off. “Fine. Thanks for bringing her home Ray, we should get inside.” he turns on his heel to leave, ending the conversation.

Ray shoots her an apologetic look, “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.” he whispers. “I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“It’s fine. He had to find out anyway.” Illi wants to hug Ray, but the moment feels wrong somehow. Instead she settles for a small wave before following Mikey into their home. Like the last time, she notices that Ray doesn’t leave until after she makes it through the door. Inside, Mikey is waiting for her.

“Don’t start.” She crosses her arms. “I’m a grown woman Mikey, you don’t get to stop me from going out and living my life.”

“I’m not mad about that, I’m mad that you didn’t say anything. Were you just going to go without saying a thing?” He questions. “Illi, I worry for you. What if something happened and I didn’t know where you were? You don’t have to tell me everything about your life but you have to tell me about plans like this!”

“Maybe you should worry less!” She protests. “I was going to tell you, but I knew you were going to be weird like this. You were weird about me hanging out with Ray and you know him!”

Mikey sighs heavily, looking torn. “I’m trying. I just don’t want to see you hurt. I don’t know this Frank guy. How am I supposed to trust him with my sister if I’ve never met him?”

“I trust him. So does Ray. We both trust him. That has to mean something.” Illi points out. “Maybe if you didn’t work so much you would know him. He and Ray want you to be able to hang out with us. I talk about you so much that Frank wants to meet you.” Mikey looks guilty and Illi knows that she went too far. It’s not Mikey’s fault that he works so much, Mikey works so much for her. He works so much and so hard to make sure that the two of them are safe. “Sorry.” She says. “That was out of line.”

“I don’t like working this much. I feel like I never get to see you these days.” Mikey says, pulling Illi into a gentle hug. “I want to meet Frank and your other friends.”

“Now that I have a job maybe you won’t have to work as much?” Illi suggests. “I hate seeing what it does to you. You’re always so tired.”

Mikey pulled back, giving her a small smile that didn't quite meet his eyes. “I don’t mind Illi, it sucks but it’s what I have to do right now. Once we’re a little bit more stable maybe I can see about finding another job or reducing my hours. I do want to meet Frank though, especially if he’s going to be taking my sister out on dates.”

“I don’t know that it’s a date!” Illi protests. “He didn’t say it was at least.”

“It’s not a date, or you don’t know if it’s a date?” Mikey questions. Illi just shrugged. A real smile broke across his face. “Illi, you’re a mess, you know that?”

“It’s my first time being asked out. How am I supposed to know if he wants to take me out on a date or not? I’m not used to weird guys calling me cute or asking me to go to shows with him.” he’s rambling. “This is all new to me Mikey and I’m a little overwhelmed by it. I knew that you’d be weird about it so I didn’t say anything but now that you know I really, really want to know what you think.”

Finally Mikey breaks and starts to snicker at her, “You’re not helping!” she protests.

“It’s just funny. Illi, if this guy is calling you cute and trying to take you out on a Friday night, I think he might be asking you on a date.” Mikey points out. “I’m just surprised that you’re going out with this Frank guy, I totally thought you were into Ray.”

Illi’s feels her face go bright red. “I…maybe.” she stammers. “I don’t know, ok! This is all new to me. I think that I might be into Frank, but I don’t know if he’d be into me that way. I don’t even think he knows that I’m trans, and I’m a little scared that if he finds out that’s going to stop him from being into me. I don’t know if Ray likes me like that or if he still just thinks I’m his childhood best friend. I don’t even know if I like him like that or if I’m just really excited to get to hang out with him again." She's breathless by the time all the words are out of her, but she feels better now that everything is out in the open and Mikey knows.

He blinks, thinking for a second on what she said. “So…Illi I hate to break it to you but it sounds like you might have a crush on both of them. How did you swing that? You meet two guys and a week later have both of them fighting for you.” Illi doesn’t think he’s necessarily right. Frank might be into her, but she didn’t think Ray was particularly interested in her outside of being friends. If he was then she wasn’t seeing the signs. Mikey’s tone turns more serious now. “Please be careful with this Frank guy though. I know you and Ray trust him, but I worry. If he does anything or reacts badly if he finds out then…just let me or Ray know. And if you need a ride or anything tomorrow just tell me. I’m not trying to keep you locked up or anything, but I don’t want to see you hurt. You’re my only sister Illi, I can’t help being protective.

Illi nods, she understands it. Mikey is her only brother and she can’t help being protective of him as well. “I don’t know how to tell him.” She admits. “I think he’ll be fine with it. I don’t think Ray would be friends with him if he was an asshole. But honestly, it’s nice that he doesn’t treat me differently because of it. He thinks I’m a cool girl, he doesn’t have any preconceived notions about me and just treats me like I’m normal.” Mikey looks sad at her words.

“You are normal Illi, and you are a cool girl.” he hugs her again. “Just please be careful. And remember that I love you.”

“I love you too Mikey.” she says, hugging him back and feeling better about the next night.

Chapter Text

Now that Mikey knew about her possible date, Illi was able to bother him into helping her get ready. Frank was coming to pick her up at 8, but she was too restless and started getting ready way before she needed to. Right now, she had almost every article of clothing that she owned laid out over her bed while she searched for something suitable to wear. She was glad to have Mikey’s help, she hates to admit it but her brother has better fashion sense than her.

“Illi, I think you’re thinking too hard about this. That shirt looks good on you and Frank would be blind not to see it.” Mikey points out.

“Yeah, but he’s already seen me wear that shirt before, I want something new. I don’t even know if this is really a date. How casual should I dress?” Illi worries out loud, picking up a pair of flared jeans with embroidered details. They were cute, but she worried that they were too casual if this really was a date. Frank had already seen her in her favorite skirt twice, plus that one was longer than could really be considered “hot” in her opinion. She wanted to dress cute and make Frank notice her even if this wasn’t a date.

Mikey sighs, “Illi, this guy is going to find you cute in anything. He’s a guy, I doubt he really looks at clothes that much anyway.” Illi thought about it for a moment, Mikey might be right. Frank doesn’t strike her as the kind of guy to get wrapped up in appearances, but he just looks so effortlessly cool even when he’s just going to work and Illi wants to feel like she matches him if she’s going to be standing by his side the whole night.

She lifts up a skirt that she hasn’t worn in a while. She’s a bit self-conscious about the length, it only reaches her mid-thigh and has smooth, crisp pleats and pinstripes. She holds it up, she thinks she could wear it tonight, she’ll just pair it with a pair of tights so she feels less exposed. Mikey makes a face, she knows he thinks it’s too short but she’s also pretty sure that’s just his protective nature talking. She’s seen his past girlfriends wear skirts that were way shorter and tighter than this one. Even though he doesn’t love the idea of her wearing this skirt out, he still throws her a shirt. It’s another one of his band shirts, but it’s tight around her waist in a way that she thinks makes her look cute and chic.

“Thanks, Mikes.” She says. “Now step out, I wanna see how it looks.” her brother rolls his eyes but leaves and Illi gets to work throwing on the outfit. It looks cute, just like she’d expected. She uses this as an opportunity to wear a pair of her tights that had gotten ripped the last time she wore it, paired with the rest of her outfit it looks like the rips are intentional. She looks over her outfit in the length mirror, feeling like those cool girls she used to see in the city. She doesn’t have their confidence, but she feels good about how she looks in the outfit. “You can come back in!” she calls out to Mikey.

He opens the door, looking at her and her outfit. From his smile, Illi thinks that she looks nice. “You look good.” Mikey says with a smile. “Want some help with your makeup?” Illi nods, she’s gotten better at doing her makeup now that she did it nearly every day, but Mikey was always better at eyeliner than she was. In the end he helps her draw on some sharp eyeliner paired with sparkly eyeshadow and a deep berry lip with a glossy coating on top. Illi pulls her hair back into two low pigtails and lets Mikey put some star-shaped barrettes in her hair. In the end she thinks she looks good, like the kind of cool girl who goes to local punk shows with guys like Frank.

Once she’s all dressed up she gives Mikey a spin, “What do you think?” she asks with a smile.

“I think you look good. Do you feel good?” He asks.

She smiles, “Really good. I feel cute.”

“You are.” Mikey smiles, “Frank won’t be able to resist you.”

She rolls her eyes. “We don’t even know that Frank wants me like that.” she protests.

“If he didn’t already, I’m pretty sure he will now.” Mikey laughs, his smile falls slightly, “Just be careful alright? If anyone gives you trouble, let Frank know and call me if you need anything. I’ll stay up until you get back.” Illi would protest that he needs his sleep but she knows he’ll wait for her to get back regardless of what she says.

“I will” Illi promises. It’s nearly time for Frank to come and pick her up so she gets to work putting her clothes back into the closet and drawers so that she doesn’t have to move it before sleeping. Mikey puts away her makeup while she does so. Eventually the doorbell rings and Illi feels her heart leap. That must be Frank.

She straightens up to go and answer the door, but Mikey beats her to it. She groans internally. Knowing her brother, he probably wants to interrogate Frank before letting him take her out for the night.

“You must be Frank.” She can hear him saying as she walks down the hallway.

“Yep, I’m guessing you’re Mikey?” Frank asks with a laugh. Illi rounds the corner to find Frank standing in the doorway, dressed in skinny jeans and a leather jacket. His eyes widen as he sees Illi standing behind Mikey. She hopes his expression is a good thing, though from the way his mouth falls open and he looks utterly awestruck she thinks she can count it as a win.

“Yep, that’s me. Now I hear you’re taking my sister out?” Mikey says, putting on his most intimidating voice which would be so much funnier if he wasn’t trying to intimidate one of Illi’s only friends here in town. “If I hear about you doing anything that upsets her I’m going to be very mad. Ray says he trusts you so you must be alright, but Illi is my only sister and she’s special to me. So don’t fuck this up.”

Frank laughs and Illi groans, “Mikey, leave him alone.” She shoots Frank an apologetic look, “Just ignore him, he’s an idiot.”

“No, it’s fine. I don’t have any siblings, but I think that if I had a sister as pretty as you I’d be doing the same.” Mikey’s eyebrows fly up at Frank’s words and Illi feels her face going hot. “I promise I’ll look after her, the bar we’re going to is pretty safe and I trust the security there. We’ll probably be home before midnight, and I’ll be with her the whole time.”

Mikey nods, and Illi takes this chance to push past him and join Frank at the door. “Bye Mikey, see you later.” she says, effectively ending the interrogation.

Frank waves at her brother as she practically drags him to the car that’s idling by the curb. “Bye Mikey, it was good to meet you. We should totally hang out as a group sometime, Illi says you’re cool.” he calls behind him.

They get into the car and Illi pretends not to notice Mikey watching her from the porch. She sighs, embarrassed by the way he’d acted with Frank. “Sorry about that, Mikey is just protective.”

“He cares a lot about you. I get it.” Frank says. He grins at her, eyeing up her outfit as she’s sitting in the passenger seat in a way that makes her heart pound loudly in her ears. “You look really pretty. I get why he’s so protective of you.” He shifts the car into drive and starts pulling away from the house and Mikey’s watchful gaze.

As they turn down the block Illi’s face is burning and she finds herself blurting out, “Is this a date?” she feels stupid as soon as the words are out of her mouth, “Sorry, that’s stupid of me.”

Frank’s face is red too as he steals a glance away from the road to look at her, “No, it’s ok. I was um…kind of wondering that too?”

They look at each other, at an impasse until they both end up laughing. Frank is driving slow and the roads are empty at this time of the night so it doesn’t bother Illi that he’s distracted. “I was so nervous.” Frank admits, “I didn’t think of it when I asked you, I just wanted to give you a chance to go to a show but then I realized that it was the kind of thing people do on a date. I didn’t know if you wanted that though and I didn’t want to make things weird. I’d like it if it was a date though. I think it’s pretty obvious that I’m attracted to you.” Illi feels like she’s going to combust.

“I’ve never been on a date before.” Illi admits. “It took my brother interrogating me to figure out that it might be a date.” She looks at Frank, still feeling uncertain, “So…is it?”

Frank shrugs. “I don’t know either…maybe we just go and see how we feel? I really do think you’re cool Illi so if we decide we’re better as friends I’m still going to be super happy.”

Illi nods, feeling so much better now that everything is out in the open. “Honestly I didn’t know if you and Ray had something going on.” Frank admits. “He’s one of my best friends so I didn’t want to step on his toes if you and him were a thing.”

“We’re not.” Illi says quickly, “At least, I don’t think he thinks of me like that.”

Frank looks at her like he wants to say something but he doesn’t. She wonders what that’s about. “I wouldn’t judge you if you were into him. He’s a good guy, and pretty cute if I’m being honest.” Illi’s eyes go wide in shock. She’s not sure that she heard him right, maybe he’s just trying to be funny, but he keeps talking as if he never even dropped that information. “Anyway, I won’t embarrass you anymore. Tonight is all about having fun and introducing you to awesome live music. You’re gonna love it, they’re a bit rowdy there but I’ll keep you safe if the guys start a mosh pit or something.” Illi suppresses a snort, Frank is shorter than her and it’s hard to imagine him protecting her from a mosh pit full of metalheads, but at the same time he’s pretty rowdy himself and she can see it happening.

“I’m excited.” Illi says. “It’s been a while since I saw a band live. Usually I struggle with crowds.”

“If you need to step out, just say something. I don’t mind leaving early if you’re overwhelmed. I know that things like this can be a lot.” Frank says. They reach the bar and Illi can hear the pounding of the music from the street as Frank parks and slots some coins into the parking meter. She follows him in, feeling right at place in the crowd of people in dark clothes. She even gets a compliment from a cool girl in a velvet dress and fishnet tights! It makes her feel like she belongs, even if the place kinda smells like sweat, cheap beer and stale cigarette smoke. It reminds her of Frank in the best way and she gets why he loves this place.

They practically have to yell to hear each other to communicate due to the noise level, but Frank is good at navigating through the crowd. He holds her hand to drag her through to the bar, and orders for her when she doesn’t know what to get. He even puts her beer on his tab, which makes Illi feel more like this is a date. He smiles while he hands her beer over and they go to find a place to stand for the show. Frank even finds somewhere closer to the back, even though Illi is pretty sure that he’d rather be closer to the front. He’s nice, and definitely not what she’d first expected when they met at the grocery store. She’s glad that he and Ray were friends, she’s glad that she met him and glad that she’s here with him right now.

The band starts, the singer in a black leather getup screaming into the microphone as his guitarist headbangs and sends her brightly colored locs flying all over the place. Their music electrifies the crowd and Illi even sees the mosh pit that Frank joked about earlier starting in the middle. They’re far enough away that she doesn’t need to worry about it, she was so enraptured by the first few songs that she didn’t even look over at Frank to see his reaction. By the time the 4th song ends she looks over at Frank, her heart leaping to her throat when she finds that instead of watching the band, Frank is watching her.

He smiles when he sees her, leaning into her ear to whisper, “You like them?” Illi nods, feeling Frank’s hand slip into hers. Feeling emboldened by the loud music she leans in closer, until their shoulders are touching. Right now she feels like a normal girl, out at a show with a boy. She’s dressed cute, she has a cute boy by her side and a cold beer in her hand. She’s happy. They remain close until the band wraps up, and Illi lets Frank lead her around the bar to talk to his friends before they head out to the car.

“I did promise your brother to bring you home before midnight.” Frank jokes. “I don’t want to get Mr. Mikey McMillin mad.” Illi laughs. She has so much that she wants to ask him about tonight. At the same time though, she feels like she needs to disclose that she’s trans. She’s worried that it might change things for Frank, maybe she should have said something sooner. Maybe Frank wouldn’t have wanted to spend the night with her if she knew. Her happy mood starts to turn sour as they walk to the car, Frank’s hand still tight in hers. He pauses before they enter the car, smiling up at her without a car in the world.

“Frank, wait.” Illi says, averting her eyes. She should tell him now. If it ruins things, then at the very least she’ll get to remember having one good night with a guy who just saw her as a cool girl. ‘There’s something you should know.”

Frank’s smile starts to fade as he takes in her nervous attitude. “What’s wrong Illi, did I do something wrong?”

Illi shakes her head swiftly, “No it’s just…there’s something I should have told you sooner.” She takes a deep breath as she prepares herself to tell Frank, “I wasn’t born as a girl. That’s probably why you don’t remember Ray mentioning me before. If he did…It wasn’t as me now.” Frank’s eyes widen in understanding and Illi worries that this is it, Frank is going to drive off without her, or take her home and never talk to her again. “I’m sorry for not saying anything sooner. I was just so happy that you didn’t treat me differently. You were so nice to me and I didn’t want it to end, but I think you should know before you put any more time into me.”

Frank cuts her off by grabbing her hands. “Illi, no, that doesn’t change anything for me. You’re awesome and the coolest girl I’ve ever met and nothing is going to change that.” Illi feels her heartbeat speed up at his words. Frank laughs lightly, “Illi I think you’re amazing, and I’m really glad that you trusted me enough to tell me that but trust me, it doesn’t change how I think of you.”

“Really?” Illi asks breathlessly.

“Really.” Frank affirms. “Now, I had a really good time tonight but I was wondering, can I kiss you?”

Illi nods, not trusting her words right now. In an instant, Frank’s lips are on hers, all gentle and soft and ending far too soon for her liking. Frank smiles at her looking all starstruck as he pulls back, “Wow, you really are the most amazing girl in the world.”

Chapter Text

Illi is floating the whole ride home. She hardly registers the sentences that Frank is saying, lost in the haze of his words. He called her the most amazing girl in the world. He thought she was cute. He knew that she was trans and he still thought she was the cutest, most amazing girl in the world. She didn’t want the night to end, she loved how special Frank made her feel and she was so glad that she’d met him.

He pulls up to her house, letting the car idle for a moment as he turns to smile at her again. She already loves his smile and wants to see it over and over. “Tonight was fun.” He said. “We could do it again?”

Illi nods, “I’d like that.” Frank grabs her hand, pulling it to his lips and making her feel like a blushing romance novel heroine all over again. She’s curious though, does this mean they’re dating? She’s never done the whole dating thing before and doesn’t know if one kiss is enough to make them a couple. “What does tonight mean, for us?” she asked. Upon seeing his confused look it clarifies, “Are we…dating?”

“Um, I don’t know.” Frank admits. “I know I like you, and I know that tonight was a bit sudden but I think we can pretty safely count it as a first date. But if you’re not ready for the couple label I’m ok just…seeing where things go from here.”

Illi nods, she feels conflicted and confused right now and just wants some time to think on if she’s ready to be in a relationship. That’s certainly not what she was looking for when she came back to town, but she’s not actively against it either. She just wants some time to think.

“Yeah. That works.” Illi nods, “Tonight was really good. Thanks for suggesting it.”

“Thanks for going along with it. I know that our first meeting was less than optimal, but I’m glad that we were able to really meet through Ray. You’re awesome Illi, and even if you don’t end up wanting to be more than friends I’ll be happy. I just want to be around you Illi, no matter what that looks like.”

Illi smiles at Frank’s rambling. He really is cute. She leans in to kiss his cheek to shut him up, “I’ll see you on Monday.” She whispers before leaving. “Goodnight!”

“Goodnight Illi!” Frank calls out of the window as Illi climbs the steps to the porch, finding the porch light on and the door unlocked. Mikey is waiting for her inside by the kitchen table and Illi knows that he can tell the night went well from the smile on her face.

“So, it went well?” He questions, pouring a cup of tea for her and motioning for her to sit down across from him.

“Really well.” Illi smiles into her cup. “Frank is nice Mikey. I…I told him about me and he didn’t even care. He just told me that I was the coolest girl he’d ever met.”

Mikey gives an approving nod. “If he didn’t then he wouldn’t be worth your time. But I’m glad.”

“He’s nice. I think…I think I might like him.” Illi admits. “It’s weird, I’ve never done any of this before so I don’t know if I’m doing it right, but I think this might have been our first date.” She thinks for a moment if she should tell Mikey about their kiss or not but elects not to just yet. She knows that he’s protective and worries that he might think Frank is moving too fast.

“That’s good Illi.” Mikey smiles. “I wasn’t expecting this, but if you and Ray say he’s good then I trust your judgement. I do want to get to know him better if he’s going to be dating my sister though.” Mikey gives her a teasing look, “And here I really thought you were gonna go after Ray. I totally thought he was gonna ask my permission to take you out the last time we saw each other.”

Illi feels her face go hot. Her feelings for Ray are something she’s still conflicted about. Before Frank asked her out she’d been wondering if she was into Ray. She still was, really. He was sweet and nice and familiar. But she doubted he would ever be into her like that, even if she did have the beginnings of a crush on him. He just saw her as his childhood best friend.

“Ray’s not into me like that.” Illi protests. “I mean…I do think he’s really sweet and nice but I don’t think he’d ever want to be anything more than friends.”

Mikey raises an eyebrow as if the point is going right over her head. He doesn’t push more though. “As long as you’re happy.” He says. “Then I’m happy for you. I’m also tired though, so I’m going to be going to bed.”

Illi nods. She’s going to be joining Mikey after a quick shower. Tonight was so good she doesn’t want it to end but she also doesn’t want to be a total zombie the next day. So she takes off her cute outfit and sets it aside to be washed then wiped off her cute makeup. Even without it she still feels all floaty and cute, Frank’s words echoing in her head. She falls asleep with a smile on her face, feeling like the luckiest girl in the world.

The next morning she wakes after Mikey, finding the bed next to hers empty and the sheets crumpled. Illi throws on some clothes, still feeling a bit groggy in the way that comes after a night out. She walks to the kitchen, finding Mikey and a pot of coffee there. “I gotta work” He apologizes. “You gonna be alright here alone?”

Illi nods, “I’m beat, I’ll probably nap unless you can think of anything else we need to get done?”

Mikey shakes his head, “We don’t need to do laundry and we’re still pretty good on groceries. Just take it easy I guess.”

“Oh,” Illi thinks belatedly that she should mention her possible hangout with Ray in case she goes to his place before Mikey gets back, “Ray wanted to hang out this weekend. I’ll shoot you a text if I head over to his.”

Mikey gives her another quizzical look like the one the night before but doesn’t comment further. He leaves for work and Illi enjoys having the house to herself. She lays in bed, just feeling giddy thinking about the night before. She ends up napping and by the time she wakes again it’s 3 in the afternoon. She yawns and stretches, looking at her phone to find that she’d missed texts from both of her new friends.

Frank’s read, “Had a great night yesterday, talk again on Monday?”

Illi smiles at the message, shooting back her own text about having a good time and seeing him again on Monday.

Ray’s text reads, “Just checking, still want to hang out this weekend?”

Illi answers, letting him know that she’s free the rest of the day and the next whenever he wants to hang out. Less than 5 minutes later she got a response from him.

“Free now, is it too soon?”

Illi giggles before hitting the call button. Unsurprisingly he answers right away. “Hey.” she said. “It’s not too soon. I’ve got everything I needed to do today done.”

She can hear Ray’s laugh on the other side, “So it’s not weird if I come over to get you right now? My family’s gone, I’m off work and I’ve got no homework to do. I’m bored as hell.”

“It’s not weird.” Illi replies, “I’m also bored as hell.”

“Cool.” Illi can hear the sound of Ray moving and the jingling of keys on the other side of the phone. “See you soon?”

“See you soon.”

Once she’s hung up the phone Illi heads to the bathroom to fix her hair so it doesn’t look like she’s just woken up from a nap. She debates putting on some makeup, but decides against it. Ray will be here soon and all they’re planning on doing is hanging out at his place. Ray’s seen her at her worst so she doesn’t feel like she needs to dress cute for him. She’s already wearing her comfortable clothes and just opts to swap her sweatpants out for the pair of jeans she’d almost worn last night. She puts on her shoes, and by the time they’re tied she hears a knock on the door that lets her know that Ray is here.

She rushes down the hall, pulling it open to see Ray standing there with a wide smile on his face that she knows she herself is mirroring.

“Hi.” he says, looking so dorky standing in her doorway that it’s adorable.

“Hi.” She echoes.

He moves to the side, motioning for her to get in the car. “Your chariot awaits, my queen.”

She laughs, playfully swatting at his arm. “You dork.” she lets him open the door for her though, even though it’s just Ray’s beat up sedan and not a real chariot. She doesn’t feel awkward with him, even in light of last night’s events. She wonders if she should tell him that she and Frank kissed. It feels like something he should know, seeing as he’s both of their friends. But she puts it off, today is about the two of them. Today is for her to hang out with Ray, just like old times.

“Was last night good?” Ray asks, giving her a thoughtful look.

She nods. “Yeah, Frank is really nice. I kinda…told him about how I wasn’t born a girl and he took it really well.”

Ray nods, “That’s good. Frank is a good guy, I wouldn’t let him take you out if he wasn’t.” Illi’s heart thrums in her chest at his protective tone. That’s the one great thing about Ray, he’s so attentive and caring about her. He’s always been, but she feels like it’s been heightened since they’ve reunited.

“Enough about him though, today is just about us.” Illi brushes past all of her thoughts about Frank and the way he kissed her. “I was promised a day of a return to high school. I expect lots of soda, bad movies and staying up way too late.”

Ray gives her a big belly laugh that makes her feel so good, “Well, if the queen demands it.” he gives her an exaggerated wink, “Though seeing as we’re not in high school and I actually have money now, I can order us a pizza too.”

Illi groans dramatically, “Toro, you know just how to make a girl happy.” she revels in the giant grin that statement earns her.

Ray’s house is just like she remembers, all homey and warm. She almost wishes his mom was here, she’d always been so sweet when Ray had her over, practically treating Illi like her own child. She’s glad that it’s just her and Ray though. She’s missed the times they used to spend together. They settle on the couch in the living room, with the promised soda and chips to watch some bad TV. Illi finds herself inching closer to Ray each time they laugh at the soap opera they put on as a half-joke but are probably too invested in. By the time the episode is over, Ray has phoned for a pizza and pulled out his guitar to show Illi the new riffs he’s learned. He’s always been good at the guitar, and she wonders belatedly if he and Frank have ever played together. She doesn’t bring it up, she wants today to just be for her and Ray.

“Wow,” She comments after a particularly impressive riff. “I seriously don’t know how your hands work like that. I don’t even think I could do half of that.”

Ray blushes, “It wasn’t that impressive.” He’s always so modest.

“Seriously Ray, you’re super talented.” she says.

He smiles gently and Illi’s heart soars. She likes making him happy, Ray has a smile that can light up the whole room. “Want me to show you how?”

She nods, she hadn’t expected Ray to use his large hands to guide her into holding the guitar and playing the chords. She’s basically in his lap, with his chest pressed against her back so that she can feel the vibrations of his words as he speaks. His hands are warm and calloused, and so much bigger than hers as he guides her fingers into position. Illi wonders if he can feel just how hard her heart is beating as he helps her into place.

“See, you can do it.” He says, his curly hair brushing over the bare skin of her shoulders as he leans in to talk to her. “Just needed some help.”

“Yeah.” Her voice is high and squeaky, they’re so close, she can basically feel Ray’s breath on her face. He’s so close, she can see just how full his lips are as she imagines them on her own. Ray seems to notice their proximity, getting progressively redder but not moving back as the two just look at each other while their hands still touch due to the guitar.

Before either of them can say anything the doorbell rings and the two practically jump apart.

“That’s uh - I think - the pizza.” Ray stammers out, racing to the door to get the pizza. Illi takes the moment to fan her face, she feels like a Victorian woman with how hard she’s flushing. Ray was just showing her how to play the guitar, she shouldn’t think too hard about it. By the time he returns with the box of pizza his face is less red and she hopes hers is as well. Neither are brave enough to mention the moment they’d just shared, and Illi is glad when Ray grabs the TV remote to turn it back on to the soap operas they were watching earlier. Illi is hardly paying attention as the characters go through their dramatic love triangle in the background. She focuses on eating her share of the pizza, while sneaking glances at Ray. She pretends she doesn’t see him doing the same.

She wonders if the same thoughts are running through his head, if he’s also wondering if his feelings for his best friend are turning into something more. Once the pizza is gone she feels awkward. They’re both so clearly not watching the TV, and she feels suddenly awkward and out of place. What else are they supposed to do? The moment they shared made things feel tense and loaded in a way they hadn’t before. Does that mean the day is over? Illi really doesn’t want to leave yet, she wants to spend more time with Ray.

“Do you want to…play some video games?” He asked, looking at her hopefully. “Like old times?”

Illi nods, happy for a suggestion that gives her an opportunity to spend more time with Ray. “Yeah, that’ll be cool.”

“Cool, cool. Um, my setup is in my room.” Ray says, looking a little nervous as he does.

“Dude, unless your room is like, super gross I don’t care.” Illi laughs. “You saw Mikey and I’s room back in middle school.”

“I know! I just…I dunno. I haven’t invited a girl into my room before!” Ray protests.

Illi sighs, “I’m still me Ray, that hasn’t changed.”

He shakes his head, “I wasn’t saying that. Of course you’re still you. Just…I dunno things feel a little different? I don’t want to mess up or make you feel uncomfortable.” he flushes. “You’d tell me if I was doing something wrong, right? I don’t want to mess up and lose you.”

Illi shakes her head. “Ray, no. You haven’t done anything wrong. I like that you still treat me the same. I like that you didn’t change how you act around me just because I’m a girl now. It makes me feel normal and that’s a good thing. I promise that if I didn’t like something I would tell you. You’re my best friend Ray, you’re not going to lose me.”

He smiles before pulling her into a hug. “You’re my best friend too.” He says into her shoulder. “Now, wanna go play some video games?”

She laughs and then follows him up the stairs to his room. It looks a lot like she remembers, with band posters on the wall and action figures on the shelves. She settles on his bed, taking the controller that she’s handed. They sit apart, further than they used to as teens. The bed sags between them, enough so that she can feel herself shifting closer to Ray. Which isn’t awkward until she remembers his earlier comment about not having a girl over in his room before. Her mind then latches onto the fact that they’re a boy and a girl on the same bed right now. It feels cliche, but she can feel her heartbeat speed up as she thinks about the moment they shared when he was showing her the guitar. For a moment she thought they were going to kiss, but surely Ray doesn’t want to kiss her. He said he just wanted things to be like they were when they were teens.

They keep playing, and between stolen looks at Ray, Illi can tell that he’s totally wrapped up in the game. They’re playing some kind of fighting game that he swears is the best on the market. He beats her every round, which isn’t a surprise seeing as she’s never played it before. Illi doesn’t mind, honestly it’s kinda cute the way that he tries to tell her which commands to use to beat him each time he wins. She doesn’t even think that he realizes the way they’re slowly shifting closer together each time he jumps in excitement when he beats her. It gets to the point that they’re practically thigh-to-thigh. Illi doesn’t know what to do about the fact that she likes being so close to him.

“Won again!” He cheers after another round, turning to crow about his victory only to have his eyes widened in shock when he sees how close they are. “Oh, sorry.” He says, lips just a few inches from her own. “Didn’t realize I was moving.”

“It’s ok. It was cute how into the game you were.” Illi says. She hadn’t meant to call him cute, but the way he flushes really just sends the point home. Ray is cute, she doesn’t know why she hadn’t noticed it sooner.

“Thanks.” He squeaks, his eyes pointedly focusing on her lips. Illi wonders if he’s thinking the same thing as she is. When he starts to lean in she does the same until their lips are touching. Kissing Ray is just like him; sweet. He’s soft and gentle and caring, just like she’d always known he was. He pulls back far too soon for her liking, giving her a nervous look. “Was that ok?”

“More than ok.” Illi says with a smile as she leans in for more.

Chapter Text

The kissing is chaste, but it’s amazing to Illi. She’d never thought about what kissing Ray would be like when she was younger, even when she imagined kissing boys as a teenager questioning her identity. Ray hadn’t taken a place in her daydreams even then. Now she wondered how she was so blind. Ray was amazing, he’s so gentle and sweet in a way that totally fits his personality. His large hands have found Illi’s shoulders, holding her with his gentle touch. He pulls back after a few moments, smiling at her with his honey-brown eyes. Illi thinks to herself that he’s never looked more beautiful.

“Illi.” He says, sounding breathless. “You’re amazing. That was amazing.”

“Yeah.” Illi blinks up at him, so enthralled by him that she can hardly think. Her voice is all soft and breathless.

Ray continues, “I really like you Illi. I don’t know why I didn’t see how amazing you were sooner.” Ray smiles at her, looking all bashful sweet. “Can we…can we maybe be a thing? I can take you on a real date and everything if you want to.”

“I do!” Illi says happily, then upon remembering the night before she feels torn and conflicted. She liked Ray, kissing him felt good. It felt right in a way that she can’t explain.

But kissing Frank last night had also felt good. Kissing Frank had also felt right and suddenly everything felt all the more confusing.

Ray catches onto her hesitation and his face falls. “Illi, if you don’t want that you don’t have to. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. If you just want to stay friends then I’d be happy, I just want to spend more time with you.”

“No, I liked it.” Illi says she wants to make it clear to Ray that she didn’t regret kissing him. “It’s just…” She falters for a second. Would it ruin things with Ray if he knew about Frank? She doesn’t want to lose him, and she doesn’t want to affect their friendship by admitting that Frank had already made a move.

“It’s just what?” Ray’s brows knit together and Illi knows that she just needs to be open about what happened.

“Last night, after the show Frank and I kissed.” She admits, looking down she feels a kind of shame. She feels like she doesn’t deserve to have both of them so interested in her. She feels like she so completely messed up everything with two of her only friends.

Ray’s face falls so completely that Illi knows she said something wrong. “I’m so sorry!” She cries, “I wasn’t trying to keep it from you.”

“No, it’s ok.” Ray says softly, shaking his head but looking so heartbroken. “I’ll tell him that I didn’t know. I wasn’t trying to steal you from him or anything. I’m happy for you.” He doesn’t sound happy for them. He sounds like he wants to cry and disappear, Illi can relate. She wants to go back to a few minutes ago when the two of them were kissing with no hesitation or worries.

“We’re not really a thing.” Illi tries to say. “It was just one date.”

“At least he actually asked you on a date.” Ray pouts, Illi doesn’t know what else to call the self-pitying tone he’s using. “Seriously Illi, if you want to be with Frank I’ll fully support you. He’s a good guy, the kind of guy who’ll take you out on a date and kiss you after. He’s sweet, he’s cute, he’s good for you.”

“Ray, I’m not choosing him over you!” Illi blurts out. “Maybe we should all just forget romance.” She doesn’t want to. Now that she’s opened herself up to Ray and Frank she wants romance with either or both of them. Man, if she could be with both of them she would be so happy. “I don’t want to lose our friendship and I don’t want to drive a wedge between the two of you.”

“Illi” Ray whines. “I don’t want that! I want you to be happy!”

“And I want to be friends with both of you!” Illi’s face is burning. The happiness she had felt when they first kissed has melted away into a feeling of guilt. She hates that she made this complicated. Ray seems so closed off from her right now. “I’m gonna head home.” She says lamely, not sure what to do with the now-awkward energy in the room.

Ray shoots up, “I’ll drive.” Illi just shakes her head.

“I want to walk…I need some time to think.” She says. Ray looks like he might break out into tears and she just feels so guilty. Ray is too sweet, Ray deserves better than this. He deserves someone who can actually commit to his feelings. “I’m not mad at you and you didn’t do anything wrong.” She says, “I just feel really bad right now and want a chance to think.”

“Please let me drive you?” Ray pleads.

“I’ll be fine.” Illi brushes him off. “Can we talk more tomorrow? Maybe we can call?”

Ray nods. “I’m sorry that I made things weird.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” Illi says it feels awkward as Ray walks her to the door. She feels crappy the whole walk home. She almost wishes that she’d taken Ray up on the offer to drive her home, but she needs some time to think first. She doesn’t know what to do. She liked the “date” last night with Frank, she liked how cool he made her feel and how normal it felt to be with him. She’d been over the moon when he kissed her at the end of the night, she’d felt so pretty and normal and she’d been so happy.

She’d also been so happy when Ray kissed her in his childhood bedroom just a half an hour ago. She’d come to terms with the fact that she’d started to develop feelings for both of them since moving home. But she’d never expected Ray to feel the same way about her. They’d been friends since they were kids and she didn’t want to lose him. She liked knowing that he really saw her for all the ways she’d changed. She liked the knowledge that he’d known her through all of her awkward teenage phases and wasn’t deterred. She wanted to be with him so much, but at the same time she wanted the kind of excitement that Frank brought to her life.

Mostly she didn’t want to lose either of them. It had been so long since Illi had friends who made her feel accepted and normal. She liked the hours that she was able to spend with Ray and Frank at the record store. She liked the way they so readily accepted her and always set a chair up for her to sit with them. She was growing more worried on her walk home that this weekend had ruined that for her. She was worried that she’d made things weird with Ray by telling him that she’d kissed Frank and she knew it was only a matter of time until it got back to Frank. What if at the end of everything both of them want nothing to do with her? What if she’d ruined everything for herself by being too full of herself?

She’s sniffling by the time she reaches her door. She wishes that Mikey was here for her to talk to but he’s going to be at work for at least another hour. She collapses onto the bed, trying to hold herself together. She’s a big girl, she isn’t going to fall apart. But when she thinks of Ray’s soft eyes and Frank's laugh a sob wracks its way out of her throat and soon she’s completely falling apart. Mikey finds her there an hour later, her tears have stopped but it’s still so clear that she’s not doing well.

He drops his things, rushing over to his sister and falling to his knees beside her bed. “Illi, what’s wrong? What happened?” Illi tries to answer but all that comes out of her mouth is another pitiful sob. “Illi,” Mikey caresses her face and hair. It comforts her a bit, but she still feels entirely awful. “Did something happen? Was it Ray? I thought you were going over to his place today?”

Illi nodded, “He didn’t do anything like you’re thinking.” She says quickly, “He was really nice actually. I’m the one that messed up.” She sniffles, feeling so small right now.

“Illi” Mikey says softly, “It’s okay, tell me what happened.”

“He kissed me.” Illi blurts out.

Mikey quirks a brow, “I thought you liked him? Isn’t that a good thing?”

Illi nods, another sob breaking free of her chest, “I do. But I don’t know what to do.” She whines. “Frank kissed me last night and I think we might be dating now. But I didn’t tell Ray, and then he kissed me.” She explains, the words grow faster the more she talks. “I really liked it, but then I felt awful since he didn’t know.”

“Did you tell him?” Mikey guides her through. She nods, “Did he get upset?”

“Yes.” She says, “But in a very Ray way. He said he was happy for us and then he freezed me out. I think I ruined everything with him.” Illi starts to cry harder as Mikey pulls her into his chest and slowly shushes her. It makes her feel better to have her little brother comfort her. “He’s my best friend, and now I’m worried he’s never going to want to talk to me again. And what if he tells Frank and then neither of them want to be friends with me anymore?”

“Illi, I think this is all a miscommunication.” Mikey comforts her more. “Ray didn’t know that you had something with Frank.”

“That’s not the problem!” Illi pulls back. “The problem is that I don’t know which one of them I want to be with, or if I want to be with either of them at all!” Illi knows that she probably sounds so stupid right now, but if she can’t talk to Mikey about this then who can she turn to? “I like both of them Mikey, they’re both so sweet in different ways and I would be happy to be with either of them. But they’re also my only friends and I don’t want to lose either of them. So maybe it would be better if I just told both of them that I’d rather be friends.”

Mikey nods contemplatively, “I…honestly I don’t know what to say Illi.” He admits. “But I don’t think that you ruined everything. I think that maybe the three of you just need to all talk it out with each other. If you end up dating one of them then fine, but if you guys would all rather be friends then that seems like the most straightforward way to work things out.”

“I just don’t know.” Illi admits. “What if they both hate me after this? What if romance doesn’t work out and I lose one or both of them?”

‘Then they’re not worth your time.” Mikey says, slinging an arm around her shoulder. “And you’ll still have me.” Illi nods, leaning her head onto her brother's shoulder.

“Both of them made me feel so pretty.” She says softly, “I felt normal when I was with them. I didn’t feel weird, I was so happy. I wish…I wish it was an option for me to have both of them.”

Mikey snorts, ruffling her hair “Maybe if they’re cool you can.”

Illi shoves him off, laughing at his antics. “As if, I think we both know that guys don’t like to share their girlfriends. Plus, they’re both so nice to me and I don’t want to be the one to ruin their friendship.”

“You said they’re cool!” Mikey protests. “Maybe they’re cool like that.”

“I really don’t think so.” Illi rolls her eyes. She still feels like crap, but like always Mikey made her feel better.

“Now, are you through with moping? I thought maybe we could take a Walmart trip together to grab some groceries.” Mikey asked. “Fix your hair and get your butt in the car, woman.”

Illi protests, but does as Mikey says. She really just wants to mope in their room for the rest of the day but she doesn’t think that Mikey will let her. Besides, maybe it will do well for her to be out of the house. While she’s settled in the passenger seat she starts to think of what she could text Ray. Knowing her friend he’s going to be worried sick thinking that he’d done something wrong.

She settles on something simple: “Had a good time today. You didn’t do anything wrong, I just needed to talk to Mikey.”

Ray answers almost right away: “I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable. We can pretend that nothing ever happened if you’d prefer that.”

Illi frowns, she doesn’t really want to totally forget their feelings for each other. Even if they try to ignore that anything had ever happened she knows that the nature of their relationship has changed forever. She sets her phone down, she doesn’t know how to phrase her feelings to Ray and she thinks it might be better for the two of them to just call each other the next day even though that will doubtlessly be more awkward.

She tries to clear her mind, focusing only on grocery shopping with Mikey. She hasn’t gotten to spend a lot of time with him recently with how much he’s been working and she knows that they’ll have even less time for each other once she starts her own job. She’s missed him, even doing something as simple as shopping at Walmart with him calmed her down. She could almost forget everything that happened earlier and the way that she might have messed up her oldest friendship.

“Illi, don’t think of it too much.” Mikey says as they head to the registers, it’s like he can read her mind. “It happened, you can’t change that.”

“I know.” She sighs. “I’m just so worried.”

“Ray is a good guy, I think he’ll understand.” Mikey says, “And if he doesn’t then he’s not worth your time. Just remember that you can tell me anything, if he or Frank do anything you can tell me.”

“I don’t think they’re going to do anything.” Illi says, and that was the problem wasn’t it? She was worried that once Frank and Ray found out that both of them had shared a romantic moment with Illi they would want nothing to do with her anymore. “I’m just worried.”

“Think of the good things.” Mikey said, “You’ve got your job to look forward to.”

Illi nods, though all she can think about when she thinks of her new job was the offer for her to come and visit Frank and Ray at work when she could. Now she wasn’t even sure that was going to be an option. She shouldn’t have let herself dream too big. All she’d done by getting overconfident was make things more complicated with the only two friends she had.

“Yeah, I guess that’s good.” She said, “Everything just feels like too much right now.”

Mikey nods in understanding. “I think this calls for a movie night. We’ll watch Star Wars when we get back.”

Illi snorts, “Who is this supposed to help? Me or you?”

“Who says that it can’t be for both of us?” Mikey retorts. “Just…let’s have a night just for us.” he suggests. “Even if there are thousands of boys vying for your hand, I’m still your only brother.”

“Yeah, you are.” Illi smiles at him. She’s glad that she has Mikey, he always helps her when she’s feeling down and she’s glad that he’s able to help her through her issues.

Chapter Text

Illi slept better after a Star Wars marathon with Mikey, as she watched the familiar scenes she was able to turn her mind off and forget everything she was worried about. Halfway through the second movie her phone buzzed with a text from Frank.

It read: “Hey, had a great time last night. Wanna do it again sometime?”

Illi’s stomach churned. The thing was that she did want to do it again sometime. She wanted more nights with Frank, she wanted more nights of feeling like the kind of cool girl that she’d always dreamed of being. At the same time though she didn’t want a romance with Frank if it came at the cost of her friendship with Ray. They were both so important to her and it felt like she had to choose between them.

She looked at the message so long that the words started to blur, eventually Mikey noticed her distraction and pulled the phone out of her hands.

“It can wait until tomorrow.” He said gently. “Just give yourself some time to think.”

She nods. She couldn’t even respond if she wanted to. She doesn’t know what to say. The text sours the rest of the night as she keeps watching the movie, it helps having Mikey there with her. He always makes her feel better, he understands her better than anyone else in the world. She thinks back to his earlier words about having both Ray and Frank if the two of them were “cool enough.” She still doesn’t think it could ever work out, but she can dream. In a perfect world she could be dating both of them, and the two of them could be best friends regardless of it. They wouldn’t get jealous, hell maybe they’d even have something between the two of them. Illi knows that she wouldn’t mind, if anything it would be kinda cute she thinks.

She remembers Frank’s off-handed comment about Ray being hot. She wouldn’t be surprised if he was interested in guys, she wondered if he had feelings for Ray at some point. She wouldn’t blame him, Ray was sweet and cute and all the things you could want in a guy. The thought only makes her feel worse. What if she somehow interrupted some kind of feelings between the two of them? She didn’t know if Ray was interested in guys, he’d never said as much to her when they were teens, not even after she herself had admitted to him that she liked guys. But maybe he could. He certainly really admired Frank. The thought that the two of them could have ended up together if she hadn’t interrupted things only makes her more upset. She can’t stop the feeling that she’d messed everything up for all of them by just being here.

“Illi, seriously. Stop fixating on it.” Mikey says, pausing the movie. He looks at her in concern. “Do you need to talk about it?”

She shakes her head. She doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. She doesn’t even want to think about it anymore. She just wants everything to be over and done with. “I don’t want to think anymore.” She says.

Mikey lets out a dry laugh, “That’s what the movie is for.” He restarts it and moves closer to Illi. He always knows when she needs comfort, he leans his head into her shoulder, giving her reassurance that he’s right here if she needs him. She appreciates it, even if she doesn’t want to talk right now. Mikey is one of her favorite people, she thinks. If she has nothing else she has him. By the time the movie is over she’s sufficiently tired enough to no longer be in a constant downward anxiety spiral. She still takes Mikey’s wordless offer to sleep next to each other like they’re small children though. It feels nice to have him by her side, she knows she’s safe when he’s there with her.

She wakes up to him getting up, “Go back to bed, I’m gonna make breakfast.” he says softly. She nods, but she can’t go back to sleep. Now that she’s up she’s reminded of everything that has happened this weekend and the fact that she’s starting her new job tomorrow. It’s too much, and the anxiety of everything was enough to make her start feeling nauseous. She checked her phone, just to be reminded of Frank’s message from last night.

“Hey, had a great time last night. Wanna do it again sometime?”

There was so much she could say. She also had a great time on Friday night, and she did want to do it again. But she didn’t know if she could commit to it, not if she went through with her plan of avoiding all romance with both Frank and Ray. She didn’t want to totally ignore Frank though.

She typed out a message she thought felt pretty safe, “Friday was amazing! Talk more on Monday?” She presses send before she can chicken out. It’s a safe enough bet, she thinks. She didn’t promise more than she could give him. She hopes that’s enough. To counteract her nervous energy Illi decides to pick out her outfit for her first day of work tomorrow. She hopes that it’ll help take her mind off of everything that’s been bothering her since the last afternoon.

She pulls open the door of the closet she and Mikey share. This is the most she’s worried about her outfits in a long time. Her new job didn’t have a strict dress code, Mike said that the only “forbidden” things were shorts, tank tops and any clothing with “profanities or inappropriate imagery.” Luckily Illi had plenty of clothing that fit in that dress code. She pulls out her favorite pair of embroidered jeans, the ones with the flares that she thinks make her look really cute. She pairs it with a baby tee that she thinks makes her look cute and girly. She pulls out one of her cardigans as well, in case it gets cold at work. All in all, it doesn’t take her long to have her outfit picked out and once the clothes are separated and set to the side she feels her worries returning. She told Ray they could call today, and knowing him he’s probably waiting for her to call. She really doesn’t want to, calling Ray means addressing their feelings for each other.

What is she supposed to say, “I like you but I like Frank too? Can I date you both?” She can’t think of a better way to lose both of them. But what’s the alternative? Turn Ray down for Frank and break the heart of the nicest man she’s ever known? Turn both of them down and hope they can all stay friends even though she knows that the kisses she shared with both of them have intrinsically changed her relationship with both men. She could also tell Ray and she’d love to date him and in turn ruin everything that she’s started with Frank. The worst part of any of those scenarios is that she knows that the “loser” wouldn’t fight her on it. If she chose one of them over the other, the one she didn’t pick wouldn’t get angry. She thinks she might feel the worst about that fact. Before she knows it, a feeling of immense guilt has overwhelmed her and she has to sit on the bed. She hugs herself, she’s so guilty that her stomach hurts. If only she didn’t take Frank up on his offer to take her out for the night. If only she hadn’t let herself get so close to Ray. If she hadn’t been so confident then things would still be the same, simple and uncomplicated.

Mikey finds her, curled up on the bed. He sighs and sits next to her, “You still thinking about it?” he questions.

Illi nods, what else was she supposed to think about. “I told Ray I’d call him today. I’m worried that he thinks he did something wrong. He’s too nice Mikey, he’s too nice and I hurt him.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” Mikey slings an arm around her shoulder. “You can’t blame yourself for this Illi, it’s all just a misunderstanding. If Ray is the kind of man I think he is then he’ll understand.” Illi hopes Mikey is right. “Come on, I made us some bagels for breakfast. We can hang out for a bit, I never get to see you anymore now that you’ve got loads of boys fighting over your hand.” Illi lets Mikey drag her to her feet. She wouldn’t say that she has loads of boys fighting for her attention. Just two of them. But she agrees that the two of them never get to hang out anymore. The one good thing to come out of the last few days was the times that she and Mikey got to just hang out.

She wonders if Ray’s suggestion of a group hangout would ever come to fruition with the added complications of this weekend. She wants to rewind the clock, and go to a timeline where instead of pursuing things with Ray and Frank she just included Mikey into their group. She wants something simple and uncomplicated like that. She would be missing the romance she so dearly wants to find, but she would be safe. She wouldn’t have to worry about getting hurt.

She follows Mikey to the kitchen, sitting at the table and letting him serve her a plate of bagels and jam. “I was thinking that we should probably go and see Grandma, her nurse said she was feeling well enough for visitors.” Mikey says as they eat. “We can tell her all about your new job.”

“I miss her.” Illi says. She feels awful for not calling more. With the whirlwind that has been her life recently it had slipped her mind, that and the fact that Yelena wasn’t doing very well and couldn’t even find the energy to call most times. When she did her mind slipped, she called Illi her grandson and it hurt even if Illi knew that it wasn’t from a place of malice and was more from a place of confusion. Yelena talked about coming home most of the time when Illi called, and though she would love that Illi didn’t think her grandma would ever be coming home again. Her condition just kept getting worse and it was getting hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Illi was worried, first at the thought of losing one of the few family members that accepted her as her and second at the question of what she and Mikey would do then. As much as she hated to admit it, they were totally reliant on Yelena for their living arrangements. She didn’t want to lose her grandma or her newly-found home.

Mikey looks at her with sympathy, like he can read her mind. “I know Illi, but while we still have her we need to make the most of things. She’s going to be so proud of you for finding a job.”

Illi nods. “I wish I had more to show her. She was so supportive of my art. All I have to show her is a retail job.” She feels stupid for the self-pity that has leaked into her tone. She knows that Mikey isn’t happy with his life either, he never dreamed of working in a warehouse. She knows that he would be happier if they were able to switch places and he was able to sell books to bored moms and teenagers at the mall. If he would let her she’d swap, but she knows that her brother is too protective to let her work at the same warehouse as he does.

“She’ll be proud of you because you’re you.” Mikey points out, putting a steadying hand on her shoulder as he does. “She knows that you haven’t given up on your art, you’re just working through some things.”

“That’s a funny way to say that I crashed and burned and couldn’t even get through art school.” Illi scoffed. “You don’t have to baby me Mikey, I know that I’m a mess.”

He furrows his brow. “I don’t think you’re a mess.” He says. “I think you’re Illi, and you’re awesome and amazing and my favorite sister.”

“I’m your only sister.” She points out. He just laughs at her.

As she loads up into the car, with her sketchbook and some pages she plans to show Yelena as a way of proving that she hasn’t totally given up on her passion as per Mikey’s suggestion, she wonders what Yelena would think if she knew how messy Illi’s current life was. They go through the familiar motions of checking in at the desk at the hospice and being led to Yelena’s room. The whole room smells like antiseptic in a way that makes Illi’s nose itch. Yelena looks so small in her bed, it always makes Illi’s heart feel like it’s breaking to see her this way.

“Illi, Mikey.” She smiles at them, and it’s like Illi is five years old again. Yelena is feeling very well today, she’s talkative and active and it feels like things are really normal. Mikey talks about his job before turning things over to Illi.

“She’s starting a new job tomorrow, at a bookstore at the mall.” He says.

Yelena beams at her, “Oh that’s wonderful. You always did like to read. Are you still drawing?”

Illi nods, she meant it earlier when she said she wished she had more to show for her passions but she pulls out the marked pages in her sketchbook to show Yelena what she’d been working on. The first spread is a vampire scene, the figures vaguely based off of her and Mikey. Yelena wrinkles her nose at that one and says with a laugh, “It’s like those movies you kids like.” making the two of them laugh. The next page is just a charcoal sketch of Mikey in profile, Illi had really been working on her realism recently. “It really looks like him.” Yelena says approvingly, “You’re so talented Illi.” Illi’s face burns at the praise. Sure, she can draw but it’s not like it has gotten her anywhere.

The moment ends and she goes to put her sketchbook away, but the pages move of their own accord and fall open to show the two page spread of Ray and Frank’s faces from the week before. Just seeing them there makes Illi’s face freeze. Worse is the way that Yelena has seen them.

“Oh, who are those two?” She asks, taking the book from Illi again with surprisingly strong hands. “I recognize him, that’s your friend.” She points to Ray with a smile. “I didn’t know you still talked.”

Illi blushes. “He works at the mall too, we started talking again after Mikey and I moved back.”

Yelena smiles, “How sweet, he was always a nice young man.” She points to the drawing of Frank next. “I don’t know him though.”

“He’s one of Ray’s friends.” Illi can feel her voice speeding up and she knows that Yelena has caught onto it. She wants this conversation to be done. She doesn’t want to think about Ray or Frank or any of this anymore.

“That’s nice.” Yelena takes mercy on her and hands the sketchbook back. “I’m glad you’re making friends.”

If only she knew just how much Illi was struggling with her friends and her feelings right now.